#I need a new job and a new state

[scramratz]

#I need a new job and a new state #I live like 5 minutes away from the Jesus slide #look it up

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

going through my old journals as part of therapy homework and i'm reading a section written in the emotional wreckage of a full-on breakdown when i get hit with this line:

There is never a satisfying answer to ‘Why didn’t they love me?’

like wow babe. good fucking point

#like you were on the ground biting the carpet and dry sobbing while you wrote that and still. good fucking point #not a shitpost #cptsd #and it's true. there's never a satisfying answer #the truth is i know why i wasn't loved #i analyzed my parent's traumas and abuse to death. i understand why i alienated and was alienated from my siblings #i know why my mom was too overwhelmed to be capable of nurturing #i know why my dad vanished into addiction and avoidance #the details of our cycles of trauma and cptsd and family history i have a phd in all of it #i understood perfectly. i spent years studying and now i knew the answer #and guess what? IT WAS NOT SATISFYING!!! #because they still didn't love me! and i still couldn't change that! #it was still a completely unsatisfying state of affairs! #so like. when the people who are supposed to love you...don't. #when the people who are supposed to take care of you...fail to #you can look for answers and reasons and explanations #but that's not actually going to FIX your situation. #and it's probably not within your ability TO fix the situation. (and definitely not your job) #because you don't need answers--you need a new situation #*inserts Just Walk Out. You Can Leave!!! (Running Skeleton) Meme* #and yes. walking out isn't always possible. #but for you i hope it will be one day soon. and i hope you build the courage to take that leap. #stepping away from the people who failed to love you...it feels like being untethered but also like being lighter than air #new and scary. immensely relieving. the future opens up. empty but empty like a canvas. blindingly bright until your eyes adjust #like climbing out of a pit you called home and for the first time realizing how bright the light of day can truly be #when you aren't just getting glimpses from the bottom of a hole

[moki-dokie]

how to make 19 year old boy who came of age during the pandemic and never had a real real job before now realize he needs to Chill The Fuck Out and be Less eagar about working for free holy shit he is impossible to wrangle

#moki talks #hi i got dumped with a shitload of new responsibilities at work #one of which includes trying to teach a Virgin Employee how work life.. works #today i got asked a mindfuckery question that made me go #oh oh no he doesn't even know basic labor laws must get him sat down with hr like yesterday #do you wanna know what the question was #'so if you work more than 8 hours are you like required to take a lunch??' #CHILD PLEASE #i have told him no less than SIX times now to STOP. WORKING. OFF. THE. CLOCK. jesus christ #it is a CHALLENGE when this is all in a remote environment #sigh. i am not cut out for teaching kids #lawd i am trying tho #i guess in his defense there aren't labor law posters plastered everywhere to read during breaks/downtime #as there are in the typical workplace environment #idk man he's a good kid very smart tons of initiative but i have a feeling this aint the job for him #which really sucks cause its basically his dream job but #bruh i need you to get like 3-6 months minimum of real people customer service job skills #smh i am flabbergasted he asked me about the break policy he has 0 concept of the severity of labor laws #like no wonder states are pushing for child labor again NO ONE IS EDUCATING THESE KIDS ABOUT THEIR RIGHTS. FUCK.

[that-ineffable-devil]

I...need some input, guys (gn). Some outside perspective.

My mother's husband is in liver failure. Like "added to the transplant list as an emergency" failure. Considering his track record, I don't know how he's making it on the list, but regardless there are rising medical bills.

Now for some VERY simplified backstory:

The Husband: my mother married this man after I was a full grown adult with a kid of my own and I've spent very little time with him. What time I HAVE spent with him has alternated between genial/amusing to "I blocked his prejudiced ass so he'd leave me alone." I haven't spoken to him in over 5 years and generally can't stand him. But I don't want him to die.

The Mother: I only spent the first 7 or 8 years of my life with my mother, and most of those memories are repressed under a thick haze of trauma. We're talking "even the memories I do have aren't in any chronological order and I can't remember how old I was when they happened" kind of repression. My most vivid memories of my mother that don't include physical trauma are when she'd call me (when I was a kid) in the middle of the night, drunk, to either apologize/explain that she wasn't that bad of a mom or yell at me for being spoiled and abandoning her. She claims not to remember these events.

We've tried a few times in my adult life to reconnect, but it always goes sour quite quickly. When I came out to her as trans, she immediately rejected the idea and started sending me "transition regret" videos from YouTube and calling my grandmother to yell at her for supporting me.

I told her off and she stopped that. Ever since, she's pretended like nothing happened and started sending me funny videos as if to bridge the gap she created decades ago, while I've been pushing further away because, at this point, I don't want her in my life at all. I don't want to put in the effort when I know I'll only end up hurt in the end.

But then her husband got sick. And just like when I was a little kid, I feel obligated to be there for her. To hold her hand and support her because, I guess, I don't hate her. I don't like her. I don't even know if I really love her. But I don't hate her, and I DO hate when people are hurting.

Then yesterday, she messages me out of the blue asking me to create a GoFundMe for her husband's medical bills. I haven't read the whole message because I don't know how I'm going to respond yet, but I'm feeling really gross about it. She makes very little money, I know, and I don't think he's worked the entire time they've been married, and I know he doesn't have insurance. Maybe it's a moot point, because I feel like if my grandmother finds out, she'll pressure me into doing it, too, and I have an even harder time telling her no.

So, I guess, tl;dr: My transphobic and emotionally manipulative parent wants me to create a GoFundMe for her dying husband's medical bills for reasons, and I'm not sure I want to since I'm trying to go no contact, but I feel obligated to help her because the man is dying and she's suffering. What do I do here? Am I a horrible person for even hesitating?

#I hate to air my own dirty laundry out here #But I feel like I really need an outsider's perspective here #Because I feel like a really shit person for even hesitating on this #Because she DID once create a GoFundMe for me to help me cover moving costs for a new job when I had nothing #She's honestly not the worst person in the world and has been thru a lot #But I don't feel like that justifies the way she's treated me either #And it kinda feels like she's using that one act of kindness as leverage to push me into this #This is just another reason I'm trying to move out of state #I need to get as far away from these people as I possibly can #Also want to add that I am NOT her only kid but I AM the only one she bailed on and treated like a pariah #cw: abuse mention #cw: alcohol mention #cw: death mention #cw: transphobia mention

[theygender]

I may be considering the crime of... Getting a business degree 🤢

#i Like my new job where i get to play in excel all day and i also like having financial security for the first time in my adult life #i was originally thinking about switching my major to sociology bc its another area that im interested in #but my mom may have talked me into considering a business degree as an option since sociology isnt a great fallback option... #the thought of majoring in business makes me gag tbh. but i mean... i DO like data analysis and there IS a masters for data analysis #and the bachelors degree in information systems would teach me new things about computers which might be cool #and they have an international business program that links in advanced study of foreign languages and cultures #and theres even a certificate program for sustainability that includes direct work with grassroots programs #AND all of this is intentionally made to be accessible to people who are already in the work field so i wouldnt need to quit my job... #...all of this plus a sociology minor (or double major if i can pull it off) is starting to look pretty good actually #BUT... can i withstand the pain of spending the next few years in classrooms full of business majors 🤔 #real talk tho i was wanting to use my social work degree to go into policy anyways which could mean government OR corporate #...if i get a business major i could potentially speedrun the process of getting into corporate policy to make a difference that way #and my sociology minor (or major) would still support that #fuckin. trojan horse the companies i guess #i am rotating the idea in my mind with the emotional state of that gif of someone trying kombucha for the first time #rambling

[scattered-winter]

literally nothing worse than waiting for bad news to hit. like i don't know how i'm supposed to go to class with this particular sword hanging over my head

#especially since this particular Bad News could change So Much .. #i don't think my dad is ready to be shouldering the entire household by himself. i really dont. #with 3 kids still at home and his job i just. i dont think he can do it alone. #and both of my older siblings have lives already !! they have spouses and jobs and kids !! #they cant just pack up their lives and move across the state !! #but im not settled i dont have a job i dont have kids or a spouse and hell i was gonna leave school anyway !! #just. not this soon. #but fuck i guess i might have to move up the timetable a bit. #but the THING IS that I DONT KNOW YET. like i Know but i dont actually know officially. yet. #and idk. maybe im hoping it'll not turn out the way i know it will so im holding off on making a decision #or maybe im just trying really really hard not to think about the future for the next few days. #but either way by tuesday i'll know for sure and that'll be that. #ill need to talk to my landlord to see if they'll let me move out early. and my counselor to see if i can take a break from school for a bi #and probably my dad just to let him know that im moving back home. idk. i dont fucking know #winter speaks #personal #grief tag #<- gonna be a Whole Thing btw if u wanna blacklist

[yohankang]

i had such a bad day at work today 😭 i started crying when i got home and now it's 9pm and i don't even have time to relax bc i need to get up an hour early tomorrow and now i want to cry again and ahhh HHH i hate it when something happens and then i'm like this for the rest of the day

#like. it's still so hot and i'm sweaty so guess what i'm going to do about it? CRY #i don't have time to make a gifset today even though i really want to? i think crying will help a little #i'm entirely convinced this is the worst state i've been in for months. but i also know it's not. 🙂 #i need to cry and kill someone and go on vacations and change my job and start a new life and then i'll be fine #god what even is this post. #anyway. hope you all had a better day than me <3 #k.txt #dl

[iwantyoursexmp3]

my brain is mush so i cant write prose but do know that i as usual am thinking about best friend dynamics and caretaking dynamics, and the way they integrate in beau and bobby’s relationship arc, and what it means to not just require increasing levels of daily care but to receive it from the person who’s always been your peer, the same guy you grew up with and experienced teenagehood and adolescence with, and now you need him in a vulnerable way you never expected to need from anyone, and how them being best friends shapes that caretaking dynamic in both positive and negative ways, but ultimately in the end it integrates with that friendship and deepens their bond in a way nobody could understand but just them

#it’s actually sooo interesting to me like they have beef about it at first #guy who doesn’t want to admit he needs help + guy who gets anxiously obsessive about giving that help literally recipe for disaster #but once they figure it out it works SOOO well!!!!! #but even when it does work so well and bobby believes he’s the luckiest person ever to get looked after by someone like beau it’s still #something that changes them. like there’s inherently a new dynamic that’s not as equal even if they treat it as such #like the amount of trust bobby has to instill in beau and the trust beau has to have in himself #sometimes he does not get it right!! but it’s okay because they have to figure out what’s best together #also I think there’s a flip side to this where beau needs bobby + bobby is seeing HIM in an extremely vulnerable state too #but on the surface bobby is the more ‘vulnerable’ one and that’s an interesting thing that #reshapes what was otherwise just two 21 year old friends #who read all that!!!! #I’m actually so passionate about it ugh it’s almost like I took care of a loved one in my personal life and now it’s my day job

[anqelbean]

Man, looking through danmei confessions was a mistake

#the sj pro vs anti discussion is RANCID on there #none of it is the mods' fault ofc they're doing a great job with the blog #but there's a reason I don't follow it #not getting into discourse is my new new year's resolution so I'm staying FAR away from the shen jiu discussion. #nothing good comes out of it anyway #it's so polarizing people are fucking idiots over it #people on both sides need to take a fucking chill pill #and realise they fell RIGHT into mxtx's expertly laid trap #this is EXACTLY what happened in canon #mxtx literally stated 'hey he isn't good OR bad you cannot fit him into those boxes' and people STILL try to force him in either one #babe he cannot fit into either. you are trying to stuff him into one box by cutting off the parts of him that don't fit— #— until you have a box filled to the brim with no room to breathe and a bloodied mess on the floor outside of it where the rest of him lies #(just like pidw) #anqels ramblings #eva.txt

[silvercaptain24]

Growing up is weird

#silver rambles #vent #that post about the ‘how you knew someone else came from money’ is just. sticking with me #mostly cause as a kid I didn’t realize how bad off we were #like. I didn’t realize we got groceries from the food bank run by the church my dad worked at until I was a teen #it just. affected me subtly I guess #being worried about a $2 difference in shoes when I needed new ones because I liked the more expensive ones #and my mom having to convince me that it was fine #it still sticks with me #it’s really hard sometimes to not think about cost if my dad and I go get lunch or something #I’ve never been to another country #meanwhile my friends would go to Rome and Sweden and India and Greece and Mexico for their 12 year old trips #I stayed in the same state for the one with my mom and only went a state over for the one with my dad #but like #yeah. I always sorta knew #I just. couldn’t have told you that I knew #all the little things you didn’t know growing up #I didn’t know about the groceries thing until yeah. I was…16-17 I think #and now we’re much better off and I have my own job (technically two) but like… #hhh. #why is my brain fixating on this? idk #sorry #needed the thoughts out

[stirdrawsandreblaws]

feeling a certain species of hopeless today tbh

the last couple weeks have been rough despite a few really good changes happening...but man today was. a lot. and i have a ton of shit to worry about next month too

#might lose medicaid and have to just. stop getting meds entirely bc i can't pay out of pocket. just when i found stuff that worked. #and then i've been working with the state to find a job but my rep is 'leaving' and it could take weeks to get a new one #and i need to figure out some details about program compliance but nobody has seen fit to answer my questions directly thus far #idk i'm just exhausted and upset and extremely conscious of time passing. #stirring up trouble

[the-100th-witch]

i feel bad for telling my mom to leave me out of the house shit (im helping with cleaning and organizing and moving) since im trying to not live with her (not mentioning this) bc i cant handle the back and forth.

I understand she cant either but im at my limit also like i rather not even be fucking involved tbh

#personal #i told her only that if she needs me to pay rent i will but pls i dont wanna hear or be involved with the new house #my brain is full at is trying to get a job and plan for me moving (might be out of state might not be we'll see) #if it's temp jobs out of state if not (and it is a good position) then just to an apartment nearby #it's 4pm my brain is fried it's been fried for weeks bc of this house bullshit

[fiisheyes]

what do u guys think i should do with my life

#idk im supposed to use today for like . life prep stuff #like i need to enroll in a cc and fill out some job apps and i need to reopen my bank account so ill have new statements #bc the sec of state refuses to believe im a real person and thus wont give me a license until i show them some #anyways i guess i have alot of options for what i could do n todayd kinda the day to choose u kno

[bravevolunteer]

i bought the fucking fnaf movie novel. i apologize in advance!

#kindle version was only $8 i HAD to i need to fucking know #it's made some Decisions i'm iffy about based on leaks i've seen buuut the mike content makes me crazy i really want to read it #i ?? once again feel like i'm on the EDGE of being sick i've felt like i'm going to fall asleep standing up ever since i woke up #so im probably gonna chill and read through a bit of this... i also am experiencing that between christmas and new years urge #to declutter my shit bc i am not a very organized person over time JFHDKSD #found like 10 receipts while just cleaning the SURFACE of my dresser i fear to think about the state of my drawers #point is somewhere between these if i stop feeling like im about to pass out then i will write JHDFSJK #⁂ ･ﾟ: i was looking for a job‚ and then i found a job‚ and heaven knows i’m miserable now ➛ ooc

[kaeyaphile]

this family christmas hasn’t been too bad except apparently my sister invited her super conservative asshole of a coworker for some reason??? or very possibly he just. showed up. so now i would simply just like to leave 🫠

#kayleigh.txt #i mean every member of my family is a conservative asshole but like. this guy is ESPECIALLY an asshole #he was helping us remodel/renovate our 50+ year old double wide trailer this past summer #and was being super condescending and miserable and judgemental the ENTIRE time #like. wow i am SO fucking sorry we can’t all be rich and live in brand new houses instead of rotting trailers like. my bad #like my father is a 77 year old disabled veteran he doesn’t have a lot of money #and i am a 30 year old disappointment who has no money that lives with him/takes care of him lmfao #idk my family consists of ignorant conservative republican assholes and i am so tired #desperately need to get a new/better job since i lost mine and also a friend or two to move tf out with because #like we stay civil but at what cost (my mental state and/or will to live) #idk i am on my period and i am exhausted and my head hurts and my cramps are so bad today #i just wanna go home and curl up in bed and play baldur’s gate 3 or horizon forbidden west until i pass tf out 🤷🏼‍♀️

[hearties-circus]

I kinda feel like I've just hard erased any happiness or elation I had from being done with school all just so I wouldnt get asked a stupid question anymore I hate this I hate this

#gamer txt. #not once have i actually fucking wanted to go to college this was just the only way to make ppl stop asking me about jobs #but im realising now that was a stupid decision and i hate that i made it i hate tgat i had the chance to back out and didnt #the only thing that made school worth it before was my friends that was the only time id get to see them #now im going back to school completely without them like a fucking idiot #i know college is different from highschool i get that and i do want to learn fab weld but fuck me this was dumb #i know damn well im not going to make any new friends during this course im more terrified of people than ive ever been #and i stick out from my class like a sore thumb #whats worse is my nervousness from this has started fucking with my appetite and hunger and that is the worst possible thing it could do #that is like the number one way to break me #im already in such a vulnerable state i do not need constant fucking reminders of trauma i cant fucking escape #and im meant to just be normal and be a person and go to class on monday? #im this close 👌 to just dogging it. im pretty sure ill be getting the train in like i could full well just fuck off and leave #its not like they have my mums number she wouldnt know any different from what i told her #can i not just stay in the purgatory of being a teen old enough to be done with school but young enough to not have a job forever ? #please? im not ready for this im not i couldnt be less ready for this why did i let myself succumb to this pressure? i hate it #g-d i havent cried in. months now. this feels so. this is too much this is way too much fot me i cant do this #i dont know how i thought i could when the hell have i ever been able to do something like this on my own #theres nothing to me on my own i dont have any confidence i dont have any strength i need my friends for that and i dont have them