#i know why my mom was too overwhelmed to be capable of nurturing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

moonprincessdiviniation · 4 years

Text

Pick A Card - October 2020

**All readings are open to interpretation and are meant as a guide. Nothing is set in stone and nothing should be treated as fact. Not everything will resonate, so take what does and leave the rest. If no pile resonates, it just means your message isn't in this post. But thank you for reading and I hope your month is transformative and full of good energy** 💜

Pick A Card Photos

Pile 1 - 🎃

Pile 2 - 🦋

Pile 3 - 💙🇺🇸

Pile 4 - ⭐🇺🇸

**Every pile is going to be different in terms of how many cards fell out. I tried to keep a set number in mind, but spirit urged me to take more with certain piles**

Pile 1 - 🎃

The general theme for the month of October

My pile ones have been through some stuff 😔 this month is about reminding yourself with what you've still got or who you still have in your life. For those of you who feel that you have nothing/no one, the fact that you are still here after going through this, is proof enough that you're strong enough to face anything life throws at you. Take this time to do that thing you've been considering or working on, really work hard and think through it seriously, you've got the power within you to put it into action. Use this thing that you're putting so much work into to get stronger within yourself. It's not just anyone that can do this thing you're working hard towards, so the fact that you're doing it and are going to do well in it? Should tell you how amazing and talented you are 💜 so take this as an ego boost and embrace it. Look for the truths in the things and relationships around you. Decide who and what you want to continue putting your energy into. It's time to let go of things and people that are no longer serving you to make room for things and people that will. A possible love interest might be coming, or some really happy news you've been waiting for. Everything that happened before this was designed to help you get to this point, it was a part of your divine plan. I cannot pinpoint what this big thing is, as divine timing is hiding it, but it's everything you've been asking for. So take comfort that so long as you don't give up, you've almost reached the end of the dark tunnel. Happiness is waiting for you, don't let it escape you because your shadows and ego are holding you back. 💜 You've got this my pile ones.

Things to look forward to:

Things are calming down, lots of peace, quiet, stillness and that moment to catch your breath

Strengthening your gifts, receiving new ones or learning you have them

Things to look out for:

Learn to be more flexible with your time and energy, you'll be tested

Take this time to say no to things. It's okay if you're not ready for something, don't half the work and turn it in, it'll do more harm than good.

Stop putting your energy in the future or looking at the past, they cannot serve you now. Focus on right here, right now, or this will be another thing you contemplate on

Advice:

Take this time to nurture yourself and settle down. Take that break from school or work, spend that lazy day lounging around the house in a face mask while picking up your room. Remember, those clothes you picked up from the floor for two minutes is one less thing you have to do and will feel so good to do. Or curl up watching a show you've seen a thousand and one times because it makes you feel better. Do something that will feed your soul and body at the same time, your guides are urging you to. Protect your energy, release the connections you make in a day and return them, take back the energy you gave. Now is the time to take care of yourself, rely on the fact that you know what's best for you. Ask your guides to protect you, guide you away from people and things that won't serve you a good purpose. You're on your way to being a great guiding influence, a teacher to those who need it. But it's being suppressed, so you're not seeing the things you should, grasping into the full power you're capable of. It's time to focus on the things and connections you've been neglecting. Do the things you've been saying you'll get to, take a break from the things you keep doing daily that aren't serving you anything substantial. It's time to bring balance back into your life, in whatever way that means for you 💜

Pile 2 - 🦋

The general theme for the month of October

My pile twos are my mom best friend moonbeams 💜 you work hard on your personal and business lives. I'm seeing it's been hard to find a balance between the two lately and it's starting to take a toll on you. You're starting to question yourself and the intentions of others around you, which is causing inner turmoil. You're finding it hard to trust yourself and the strength you usually have towards situations like this. But fear not, good news is coming! It could be in the form of finances, but that might not be the only thing for some cases, so be open to things. I see you're juggling a lot too, finding it hard to just focus on one thing for too long. You are not superhuman, please take my advice and follow the 20/5 rule. Spend twenty uninterrupted minutes (no answering notifications, getting up to grab that snack you're suddenly craving, scrolling through socials, whatever the distraction is) doing one task at a time. Then after those twenty minutes have passed, answer the notifications, scroll through socials, grab the snack. But time yourself, don't cave. You've been manifesting too, something or someone in your life to help things along. They or it, is just around the corner and this will be a time of learning for you. Everything is starting to fall into place for you, it's just going to take a little while longer for things to stabilize, have patience. 💜

Things to look forward to:

A strengthening within connections you've made. Whether it's family or friends, you're rebuilding those connections and making them better than they've been. This could also point to inner healing, so prepare for some time out to reflect on past actions and how to learn from them.

For some of you this is going to be a step back, but it's a good month for being homebodies. Now is the time to stay home, take that break. For some of you who have been stuck wherever because of covid, this might be a point that you can return home soon.

Things to look out for:

A lot of you are forgetting where you came from, your roots. So expect to be brought back down from the cloud you're on to be reminded.

Some of you are lacking in family or friend relationships. Your relationships might be tested that you still want them in your life, or how much they think you care about them

Advice:

Now is the time to really sit down with yourself and ask what it is that you want in this life. You're losing your purpose and getting derailed from your track. Some of you might be overwhelmed or lashing out at those around you because of things that appear in your mind, or emotions that spring out of nowhere. Have patience and don't stress too much, you're reaching a spiritual awakening and it's come at this time to make you stronger for this thing or person you've been asking for. Take some time out to take care of yourself, have a long bath and look within, ask yourself what the core issue was during these times. It'll help the process go by quicker if you can be honest with yourself and become more self aware of your actions. Take this time to get outside, reconnect with nature and yourself. Remind yourself why you have to take time out like this, feed your soul. For some of you I keep hearing your chakras are blocked, your heart, crown or root chakras to be more exact. A lot of you have been afraid to take some big leap and it's caused you to be stagnant. Your guides are saying they're going to force it out of you by bringing something to light a fire under your butt. So take the leap when the time comes and get out of your comfort zone or you're going to get burned and all your hard work will come undone. They're trying to help you, so allow them to by working and trusting in them. 💜

Pile 3 - 💙🇺🇸

The general theme for the month of October

Something unexpected and drastic happened to my pile threes recently. Things are changing for you, they're getting better in this month. They're settling down and calming down for you. But now is the time for you to do lots of planning. Whatever happened really changed a lot of the things in your future, so you have to adjust and move things around for your well-being. It's time to take that big leap of faith you've been waiting to do. Your guides protected you from making this leap previously because they knew this event had to happen first. They didn't want you to fall mid leap and take away the wrong message. Nothing is holding you back now, take that big step. Be happy in your decision to do this thing you've been waiting for. Work hard, put your all into whatever this is and prove to yourself and others that you're capable of anything 💜 You have everything within you to bring this thing into something stable and to attract positive things. You're full of determination, power and the universe wants you to succeed this time. So don't hold back, jump and give it your all, this is your sign to do it. You will be tested in the midst of this hard work, but it's to help bring forward a new opportunity for you. So be mindful of what you do and who you put your energy into so you aren't derailed for too long. This new opportunity will seem like something you shouldn't invest time into, but it's exactly what you need to continue forward. So embrace the uncomfortable feeling for just a little while, eventually you'll get to where you need to be.

Things to look forward to:

Finances will be better. You'll get that job you were hoping for, or income will start to be more stable

Lots of risks to take. You'll see how much fun it is to put your faith into the universes hands and trust that things will work out without stressing

Things to look out for:

You'll want to keep fighting for something and will keep failing. This is the universe telling you that you aren't meant for this. To let it go and look for something/someone else

This is a rough transition for some of you, so be mindful of your emotional health. Do things that make you happy, don't let yourself be too overwhelmed by things

Trust that things happen for a reason and don't question them

Be more creative, you've been drowning in stagnant routines and people, feed your creativity

Advice:

It may not feel like it, but everything that has happened was divinely guided. These events were put in place to make you a better and stronger person for the planned things ahead. Trust in the universe, it knows what it's doing. Now isn't the time to be a wallflower or to follow the crowd. You have a voice, a style, an opinion, share them. They're what's going to help break you out from the usual mold. You're meant to be a leader, so prove to yourself and others that you are. Don't let others drown out what you have to say or take away your spotlight. You have a gift, a light you're meant to share with others. Your soul has been training you for this for lifetimes, keep working towards your goal. You're almost there to the end of your goal, something big is coming. You're not ready for it yet, so it's not coming any time soon. But it's in the process of forming, it or they are waiting for you to push through this last hurdle. Don't keep it or them waiting any longer 💜

Pile 4 - ⭐🇺🇸

The theme for the month of October

Oh pile fours, you've been biting off more than you can chew. Or at the very least, finding it hard to focus on what it is that you've been wanting to do. You're constantly overwhelmed, looking for something to call out to you and hoping something sticks. You're going to continue feeling like this until you slow down, take time out for yourself and really isolate from others. You need to be able to hear your own thoughts and emotions. But you can't do that if you're constantly immersing yourselves in tv shows, movies and friend drama. You've got to listen to you, figure out what it is that you really want to do. What do you like doing? What are you not fond of? Is there something you could be doing better? You can't answer any of these questions if you're avoiding them. Things are stuck and unable to get better if you can't find the time to get a better sense of understanding of your situation. No one can answer these questions for you, you have to face them yourself. Don't tell the other piles this 🙈 but I'm pretty sure this is my soulmate/twin flame pile. It's rare to get a couple in a reading and this is the only pile with one. If your person isn't coming this month, they're just around the corner. So get to work on that inner work you've been avoiding or you'll miss your chance to meet them sooner. You've been waiting for each other for so long, don't let your ego prevent you from seeing each other any longer.

Things to look forward to:

Things are going to be very stable and you're finally going to be putting those untouched things in their place. Work will be put in for a better outcome

In turn, a strong foundation will be built on top of that hard work. Something you've been asking for will be coming 👀 mayhaps the TF/soulmate?

Things to look out for:

Don't get too lost in your head. It's good to visit, but lingering for too long will leave you stagnant

Breaks are good! But don't go overboard. If you do fifteen minutes of clean up and then reward yourself by chilling watching Netflix for the rest of the night, it's counterproductive.

Advice:

You're so worried about the things you have to do, that you don't even realize you've been doing them. You've already put in the work before, you just have to finish it. It's not as hard as you're overthinking it is. Let loose, have some fun, watch some movies or shows. Take a break if you absolutely need to, just to let go of this seriousness you're holding onto about this. But take care of the work that needs to be done when you're finished. You can't expect to move forward if you don't want to put in the work. You have a job to do with bringing in this new spiritual awakening for those of us in the spiritual community. Even those of us who aren't feel it, they just chalk it up to a new season or a new moon. You and your person are meant to do great things and shift things for the rest of us. But it won't happen if you don't do the work. Release those negative thoughts and feelings. Let go of old energies that no longer serve you and say to yourself that you're no longer going to make the same mistakes you made previously. You're not like your family and in order to pass on that new mindset to your future family and friends, you have to start by being the example. Believe in the path that's waiting for you. Trust in the universe, it's working so hard for you. Don't keep it waiting 💜

#pick a pile #pick a card #free tarot #free readings #tarot #tarotblr

67 notes · View notes

ambitionsource · 3 years

Note

Who in the a class is in some kind of therapy?

what a question LMAO. but honestly, a very fair one indeed. while discussing this, es and i ended up basically dividing it into three groups (if someone isn’t mentioned, it just means none apply)

Is In Therapy Currently

Isadora || as we know from the canon of S3, isa is currently in therapy to work through the grief of valerie dying as well as like... the built up abandonment issues, anxiety, and struggles she has articulating or processing emotions lmao. it also helps her learn better methods to work with her autism

Farkle || i mean... we all watched S1 & 2. we know why he’s there LMAO and by god does he need it. it’s good that he’s improving though!!

Chai || she officially started therapy after the events of S1 while she was abroad because evidently her parents divorce really fucked with her emotional state and coping mechanisms -- as well as having sort of emotionally distant parents and having to navigate the world on her own. basically, money =/= nurturing. but yeah i think she realized what she did with tormenting her classmates wasn’t Healthy perhaps and so she sought out the resources to fix it on her own. her parents certainly weren’t going to be much help

Clarissa || clarissa has been in and out of therapy here and there since she was little, mainly for managing OCD. usually she’s fine and her appointments are infrequent (monthly at this current rate), but she tends to go back to her therapist when circumstances get very stressful, like the events of S2 (she mentions going back to therapy in a scene with charlie and haley in 210)

Not In Therapy Currently, but Has Before

Riley || though not by choice, riley went to therapy for a stretch of time in the aftermath of her bullying experience freshman year. by the start of S1, though, she’s on the tail-end of it after a whole summer full of it. she also had stints in family therapy when she was little when cory and topie were having their first bouts of marriage problems, but she doesn’t remember all that obviously. she’s thought about going back for herself because of all the divorce strain, but ultimately opted against it bc she didn’t want to go through cory or topanga. she mainly sticks to talking to eric if things get too overwhelming and using the coping mechanisms she already has

Darby || miss darbs spent some time in therapy in late elementary school due to having issues socializing with her peers. i think she’s always been a bit awkward and desperate to please, so that can get messy with kids cause kids are mean. she was also definitely bullied at that age for being really tall and so i think her parents put her therapy out of genuine concern just with the hopes that like, she’d be able to develop some coping mechanisms and have a safe space to get advice if they didn’t have the answers. and in some ways it helped, other ways no -- her friendships aren’t the healthiest still (as she’s the doormat), but i think she holds her own BETTER with the plastics having gone to therapy than if she never developed those emotional tools at all

Has Not / Is Not but Really Fucking Should Be in Therapy

LUCAS || this is like the most obvious blinking lights sirens wailing example ever. he is a walking textbook for endorsing therapy. between the domestic abuse, mommy and daddy issues, self-esteem in the subbasement, lack of life purpose, inability to read others well emotionally, inability to process his own emotions, the physical aversion due to his trauma, his kleptomania, his risk-taking behavior, his habit of lying, the fact that he has canonically walked off for days at a time with no warning, explanation, or safety net, that he sleeps in a fucking technician’s booth, he used to free-climb buildings SOMETIMES IN THE RAIN, no sense of self-preservation, intrusive thoughts, inability to express appreciation or affection in a normal non-stressful way...... this man is a therapist’s dream and nightmare. they could spend YEARS unpacking him. but will he ever go to therapy? no. because he a) doesn’t think he needs it, b) can’t ask for help ever, and c) could never afford it. and at this point, d) if his dad heard he was seeking help like that he would shut it down instantly. anyway, he’s the biggest case here. underline him in red

Charlie || charlie is a great example of someone who is like coping... sort of... not really... it Looks like they’re coping but they aren’t really and they really need help. like yes, charlie has stability in certain areas of his life that others don’t, and he’s extremely self-aware of his privileges, but i think that’s part of the problem. he’s convinced himself he doesn’t need or shouldn’t get external help because there are people who have it so much worse than him and he doesn’t... he doesn’t really need it, does he? he’s fine. he’ll be fine. and even if he did think about getting “help,” i think his first instinct -- and advice from others -- would be to go to his church leadership, which is not a suggestion made with ill will but just isn’t helpful considering half of his trauma is tied to his relationship with god and the church and faith. he needs a more objective space to unpack all of that, and obviously church itself is not the answer. i think that charlie will be able to work through a lot of his initial issues on his own with time and patience with himself (something we’re in the thick of right now -- we’re just barely in the acceptance phase), but he should really go to therapy in the future just to like... work through all of the long-term trauma he endured from his upbringing and bridgette’s exile and the dueling psychology of church vs sexuality. like... that’s gonna take some time to unravel and he needs to be in the right place to pursue that on his own. will he, i dont know, but i think when he does a certain heaviness he’s been carrying his entire life will finally like... lift. and he’ll be able to breathe better

Asher || so asher is a bit of a clusterfuck LMAO like he’s diagnosed officially with generalized anxiety disorder but he never saw a specialist, his mom diagnosed him since she’s a psychologist. the complexity here is that because of that... well, they say you should never let family be your personal doctors and i think that’s true for mental health professionals too. like emily basically gave asher the generic coping rundown when he was really young, and then he went on to develop his own coping mechanisms with, at least, a very fundamental understanding of what’s wrong with him. but he kind of developed his own complex about it all too, bc i think emily took pride in him being able to figure it all out and be so capable with his own mental health without ever going to therapy and he kind of internalized that, as well as having internalized a lot his mom’s perspectives and opinions as a mental health professional in a way that its like... well my MOM said that, so i feel kind of some type of way about it. so its all really complicated and twisted in his head and he just doesnt bother to unpack it (something, ironically, therapy would probably help lol). the thing about asher is that for all intents and purposes, he does cope well and he is really in tune with his own mental state. it’s just that he could seriously benefit from having an objective party help him untangle some of his neuroses i think and it would take some of the constant stress off his shoulders, but he’s honestly too stuck in his ways at this point to go. that being said, he’s a vocal advocate for therapy and its benefits -- just not for himself

Nigel || as discussed a bit in the ask i answered about him, i just think nigel carries way too much pressure on himself and he could benefit from someone helping him work through things instead of carrying all his stress on his own -- even if its less complex than some others. he’s like same range as clarissa.

Maya || maya has no issue with self-esteem, but i think she could still benefit from someone helping her actually unpack her issues over her dad and why she is the way she is. a therapist who specializes in narcissism would be a good fit for her -- not because she is one, but she does have... certain quirks where i think having that specialization can help unravel her motivations and actions a little more easily

Missy || she’s just a fucking mess. she shouldn’t be redeemed but i think therapy could really do her a favor and maybe make her less terrible and psychopathic towards people who aren’t like her. maybe

-- Maggie & Es

#a class #answered #Anonymous #ask and you shall receive

5 notes · View notes

magicmoontea · 4 years

Text

Illuminated Fantasies (1/2)

Characters: Beckett Harrington x f!MC (Iris Atwood), Pend Pals

Rating: M, Language and sexual themes, topics of mental health

Word Count: 5760 ~Less than 20 min read (A bit longer, I couldn’t help myself!)

Summary: It’s the Summer Solstice and Iris and the Pend Pals are celebrating! Feeling her Sun magick growing on this day, Iris struggles within herself to keep a balance between her unchecked fears and fantasies from bursting out.

Notes: This takes place after book 2, and ignores Winter’s past. Beckett and Iris (f!MC) remained friends throughout their time at Penderghast and never pushed it further than harmless flirting. I wanted to make Iris feel more relatable as I felt like they gave her too much power, so I ran with it. If angsty reads aren’t your thing, this might not be for you. This is my very first fic posted online, so I’d love to hear what you thought <3

Part two coming soon!

Created for @choicesaprilchallenge - Fantasy day 28

Everything inside of the brilliant Sun-Att hummed beautifully and yet unmistakably powerful and intense at the same time. She could sense the strength of her Sun magick growing stronger and radiating powerfully as it was the early morning of the Summer Solstice. Iris felt the weight of her immense pure Sun magick.

She had woken up before the sunrise, drenched in sweat, even with her air magick spells flowing around her bedroom, and could feel her heart racing against her chest. To Iris’ surprise, she was also glowing a warm golden hue without any effort making light rays dance across the walls. She sat up and wiped the wild platinum blonde strands that clung to her forehead and clutched her heart and tried to slow her breath. The glow eventually faded and ultimately the pressure in her chest went along with it. If she was being honest with herself, it was all starting to wear her thin.

Iris had been spending her time nurturing her newfound relationship with her mom/not intimidating at all Sun Source. There was so much to unpack with all information she was given the last few weeks of her second year at Penderghast. It was overwhelming at times to remember that not that long ago she had no idea magick truly existed, and she built her reality, thought patterns, and idea of herself around the idea that she was unordinary, powerless to change her situation and truly doesn’t belong.

She’d be lying if she said all those feelings disappeared when she found her magick within her, practiced and came to the powerful place she is today. It was incredibly hard for Iris to shake certain thoughts she had about herself since childhood and what her role to other people was supposed to be.

Being half Sun source didn’t change the fact that for a long time she struggled with dark thoughts about herself that shadowed her mind. Sun will bring shade, and her heart definitely carried that darkness that she buried with positivity and hope for a safe place for her to truly belong one day. Her caretakers were good people but she had spent many nights alone in her room in a whole other world in her mind.

Iris grew up a lonely only child, and she couldn’t talk to anyone about how she just felt different and that it kept her up at night. That her emotions were so strong at times that she felt she was going to burst, and that she went through such high and lows with them. She was told consistently that it was part of growing up, and she learned to accept that true happiness and belonging happened to other people, not her. It was just the cards she was dealt in life.

After meeting and finding out about Atlas and developing a quick bond with her to fill the years they were apart made Iris feel truly happy for a while. However, after a while, she clung to the idea that this was her family and so this must be who she really is, and it fed into Iris' terrible habit of codependency. It was so much easier in her head to have people tell you who you are and how to respond because you were never allowed to explore those options on your own.

So needless to say, she was freaking the hell out with the information that she and Atlas were half Source. What did that mean for her future? How did being half Source change the paths she took in life and how her magick looks like in the future? When Iris allowed herself to be truly honest with herself, there were times she felt terrified of the power she possessed.

For a while, she didn’t feel worthy of her magick after finding out she was Attuned to an extremely rare attunement as people have gone their whole lives knowing and practicing magick and not having half the power she does. She didn't feel like she deserved the praises from teachers that either taught her or didn't as she easily combined her natural talent and years of being a tuneless scholar, let alone deserving of or being even capable of being a half Source.

She knew she had no choice but to accept who she was, but it was a difficult journey that caused so much doubt and fear. Iris was still just getting a good grip and control on her refractionary magick’s effect on her body let alone have enough energy to deal with the heavy fact that she was half Source, the responsibility of having Kane's tether, and having every single person looking at your every move wondering what the great Sun-Att will do next when in reality she has no fucking idea what she's doing.

Tonight, she guessed she was only getting 3 hours of sleep as her body was full of adrenaline from it being the most powerful day to be a Sun-Att. Annoyed that she wasn’t able to enjoy the comfort of her own bed as long as she’d like, Iris decided to make the most of her extra Sun magick energy and practice her prescience. She hoped she’d be able to burn some energy off as she wouldn’t be able to sit still with that much magick that wanted to pour out.

Sitting up and crossing her legs in the lotus position, Iris took calming breaths. It didn’t take long to feel the connection to the sun, even as the sun was just starting the early stages of sunrise. Her magick was powerful and strong and she knew from previous prescience practices, that it really isn’t practice at all, prescience will do what it wants when it wants. The more you work with it, the more it becomes more than a gut feeling, but you can’t just pull it whenever you please.

That’s why she was trying to use her prescience this morning of the Summer Solstice to invite that heightened connection and welcome prescience to happen freely to continue a vision she has earlier that week. She had been minding her own business a few days ago prior and felt her entire body flush with goosebumps like she was just exiting a cold movie theater into a warm summer day. With all the advanced practices with her mom, Theia, and Dean Swan, she knew that she was getting a vision.

It wasn’t a long vision, but she was floored with how genuinely happy she felt in it, and how that effect lasted throughout the waking hours. She spent the rest of the day fantasizing about it and being terrified to dissect it further because that would mean thinking about something, she pushed down first year: how she truly felt about her best friend Beckett. And she wasn't sure if she could handle that.

In her vision was Beckett, illuminated by the glow of a magical fire, beamed at her with such tenderness he reserves just for her and brushed her hair behind her ears. Then it faded away no matter how hard she tried to stay with it and focus.

With each thought that took over Iris’ mind over those next days, one thing was becoming more and more clear to her: that she was lying to herself about how she felt about him. She never took the time to challenge the butterflies in her stomach when her fingers grazed his when he handed her an ingredient for a potion or how his freckles dancing on his cheeks when he smiled at her made behind her knees sweaty, or that she felt like he was one of the only people who truly listened to her, and didn’t put any expectation of what she should be regardless of magick potential.

There was a time early in her time at Penderghast that she knew that she was attracted to him and spent many nights allowing herself to fantasize about him and what it would be like to hear him moan and make him feel like he can lose control for one night of ecstasy with her. She always came quickly on her soaking fingers then, biting her lip from crying out his name and as if that would make the situation less awkward tomorrow when she saw him in class. As she learned that she needed him to be there for her emotionally and in her life more than she could have ever guessed, she stopped any thoughts or impulse based on pure lust that would risk losing him.

She knew part of the reason they had such a good bond was that they both had similar struggles. No, Harrington’s wealthy upscale lifestyle and his ability to be such a prick in the beginning definitely didn’t help, but as time went on it became more obvious that he was running from something in himself, too: constant perfection.

If Iris traced back to when she no longer could deny the surge of pure emotion she got when she was by Beckett, it was when he ended up in the hospital creating a ward to save her from Kane. She would have without a doubt died without him. She was beyond grateful. The look he gave her when he asked her if she was okay made her realize that this amazing man truly cared about her.

Even after she put him through a fight with a psychopath killer Raife, cried on his shoulders numerous times and suffered massive panic attacks in front of him before fighting for her life at 19, beat him in magickal competitions revolving topics she just heard about, or after he saw the dustiest parts of her soul and stared back unflinchingly, he still cared.

Iris never thought that Beckett could actually care about her in that way though. She never saw any signs besides his blushing inexperienced geek self-antics whenever she teased him, but always pushed that away so she wouldn’t get hurt. Deep down she had a terrible fear that she would never be good enough for someone as smart and well established as him as she still viewed herself as someone who ungracefully barged herself into a world she knew nothing about and was given a substantial amount of the magickal powers without deserving them.

Pulling herself back into the present moment, Iris took another breath feeling the connection to the sun growing stronger as the sun started to rise more. She desperately wanted to see more of a vision of tonight, as she deduced that the magickal fire she saw in the earlier vision was going to be the ritual Summer Solstice fire from the get together Shreya was having later.

She then focused her attention on thoughts of the party this afternoon, Beckett, and herself. Having a good feeling plus the power of the sun on Summer Solstice sparked that extra confidence Iris needed to make it work.

Then it started to happen. Feeling like she just received amazing news, she felt her whole-body spark with energy. Her body began to hum and tingle as goosebumps danced their way across her freckles and skin. White lights appeared at the corners of her eyes as a vision was starting to come through.

When the vision played out in Iris’ head, her toes curled underneath her legs on the bed and she audibly gasped. Her body temperature rose greatly at what she just saw, and she felt her body become flushed. She has no idea what she has to do to make that vision come true, but she will do whatever it takes.

For starters, she figured it wouldn’t hurt to change her outfit tonight to the black sundress with the mini golden suns, and flowers that she saw laying on the floor of the vision.

-----------------------------

“Okay, so now who is going to clean this up?” Shreya asked jokingly as she looked around her large kitchen and the mess the Pend Pals had made while baking traditional ginger and cinnamon Summer Solstice cookies. There was more flour on the ground than in the cookies themself, but they couldn’t help but throwing some flour in the air and having each one take turns running their magick through it to create different effects. All for healthy competition of course.

“Oh, I know of an excellent cleaning spell that can clean this mess easily.” Beckett offered to help as he looked around at their mess as well as Atlas currently making a snow flour angel on the ground. Not being in the best mood today since it was the hardest day to be a Moon-Att, Iris smiled at her sister enjoying herself.

“Don’t be silly. My parents said not to worry about cleanup at all after my party. They just wanted me to have fun celebrating with my BFF Sun-Att’s favorite day!” Shreya said happily, feeling the many toasts to the sun, she made the group do earlier.

Iris smiled sheepishly. “I’m glad you’re fine with sharing the day. I know being a Fire-Att gets your magick all pumped up today as well, so it’s about you, too. Besides, I had plenty of time practicing my sun Magick with my Sun Source mom earlier. Which is still so weird to say by the way.”

“She’s the best!!!” Atlas sang from the ground, and everyone gave each other a knowing look and smirk, Atlas was quickly feeling her drinks as well as all ofer energy was used to muster any magick. She got up and waited for Iris to cast an Air spell to clean her off like she had earlier since “Atlas’ energy needed to be saved at all costs”.

Her energy is saved for more drinking, Iris thought. Plus, she was sure she loved having her to boss around.

“I still can’t believe you can hang out with Sources all day!” Zeph proclaimed and Griffin agreed in and expressed their well-known feelings again making Iris’ stomach do flip flops. She didn’t like the kind of attention it brought.

“It’s not all that great, really. Nome and my mom are the ones I see the most and they barely can remember what it’s like to be in a human form half the time. It’s bizarre. But, I appreciate it. I do say though, they are working me to death with training and skill enhancing.” Iris rolled her eyes and welcomed the fresh air as they made their way back outside into the now summer night.

Shreya had really outdone herself with decorating her large, luscious backyard for just her friends to come over. Shreya never did anything half-assed, and of course had magickal snacks, foods, and drinks that cost more than Iris wanted to think about. She had asked for Iris’ help, however, on the finishing decorating touches: hundreds of warm orbs flowing and glowing throughout the air to create the mood.

“You’re planning on sharing that knowledge with me, correct?” Beckett asked with terror clear on his features. Iris couldn’t help but smile at him and for the hundredth time that night already, get flustered by the things she never allowed herself to before. Blaming the extra Sun Magick, her prescience vision, or just her unchecked desires, Iris decided to go with it.

“Of course. Atlas is way too good at the Moon spells already obviously, so I’m going to need someone to compete with. And win against of course.” She bumped her shoulder into his playfully, and she could see the tips of his ears turning pink. Just like the good ole days.

Her vision from this morning came crashing back to her: Beckett kissing in her underwear like his life depended on it, with her sundress on the ground. She knew that not every vision comes true, and that not every vision necessarily is what the future holds. She could have very well thrown off her prescience with her evolving attraction to Beckett that was at the forefront of her mind for the past couple days. But she was going to try to look for any sign that it may happen, and more importantly that he wanted it to happen.

“I actually have a really fun spell for us to try with the fire we make tonight?” Iris spoke and looked at Atlas knowing that she would be for it.

“Are you talking about the spell we were just taught?” Atlas actually looked excited. “I think I should have enough energy for that. But I don’t know, Iris, you might have to be my personal magickal assistant for a bit longer though.”

Iris stuck out her tongue as a response to her twin and continued to the others, “It’s a really fun spell that uses the emotional nature of the Moon and the affirmative nature of the Sun and it actually shows what you fantasize most. So you cast intention onto something gets thrown into water, fire, over a cliff or whatever as long as it disappears and so it can come back to you with what your heart fantasizes.”

“Or you don’t cast intention and the spell only shows you that you fantasize a really good sandwich.” Atlas retorts back laughing on her past experiences.

“That is true.” Iris smiled remembering her first experience. “I didn’t really want to think about anything major the first time, and focused on just practicing the spell, too. It showed me a nice bed with the window open for a slight breeze. I guess my body just needed sleep.” Iris shrugged and continued a bit softer as she spoke, “Then I tried it when I was in a shitty mood, and I fantasized a day where no one knew my name or who I’ve fought and had any expectations of me.”

The group got a little quiet after Iris’ statement and she could feel a pair of grey eyes on her as she sat next to him. She smiled to lighten up the mood scolding herself for being a damper. “So let’s make sure we have a lot of fun before hand, and knowing us that won’t be a problem.”

Shreya’s mouth dropped open in shock and spoke, “A spell that plays out your fantasy in front of you? Um yes! Sign me up. I’ve been thinking about this eye candy that shops near one of my favorite boutiques a lot lately.”

She wiggled her eyes up and down, and Beckett and Zeph sighed poking fun at their friend at the same time, looked at each other and high fived each other laughing.

“I’m SO happy that I won’t be able to see that play before me. I’m already weak as is tonight.” Atlas retorted taking her seat around the bonfire area as well.

Everyone did their part to contribute to the bonfire, and they could feel the warm magickal effect flowing through each of them as it began to blaze brightly. Shreya used her Fire magick to make the fire have beautiful color changing effects, casting a vibrant glow on everyone’s faces.

The group began to bond quickly over the time they hadn’t seen each other and laughed over stupid things each other has done and drank plenty of drinks mixed magickal mood enhancers as the night wore on. They were playing a game of blind enhancements: where basically you take a magickal drink not knowing the magickal effects. Shreya ensured the frantic Beckett multiple times that she wouldn’t put an enhancement in there that ‘wasn’t fun’. Not feeling super comforted with that answer, Beckett still played and even found himself sitting there blazer off, sleeves rolled up and laughing until his stomach hurt at the different situations that arose.

Aster began to speak a different language for a whole turn, Zeph’s skin turned green for 20 minutes, Griffin felt a strong urge to sing loudly and Shreya went through a fit of hysterical laughter. Atlas was even a good sport when her drink made her want to dance wildly and hiccup every other word.

There was one particular drink that Beckett had taken and remained suspiciously quiet for a while after. Iris couldn’t help but notice the fidgeting Attuned next to her and his blushing ear tips when she had pressed her thigh against his for a brief moment. She wouldn’t call him on it until later when they were alone, but she knew that he didn’t get a “bashful” one.

They switched over to playing ‘Never Have I Ever’ and enjoyed embarrassing one another. They had started with easy questions, but leave it to Atlas to break the seal with, “Never have I had sex with the lights on. Having sex in the day doesn’t count”.

Zeph laughed and said, “It’s never been better to be asexual”.

Aster blushed furiously at the topic but didn’t take a drink. Shreya and Griffin took a drink quickly. Iris snuck a quick drink to avoid attention to her and conversations about her sex life, but noticed that Beckett didn’t take a drink.

Iris mind began to wonder again to Beckett’s sex life. A topic they never talked about. Was he a virgin and if not how experienced was he? How many people has he been with? What does he enjoy in bed?

Beckett cleared his throat indicating he has asked a question, and she noticed that everyone stopped talking. Blushing furiously, she realized she hadn’t been paying attention to what was going on.

“I’m sorry, I missed what you said.” She blushed harder even though she tried not to as Beckett looked at her in the eyes.

Then it happened. Her vision came to life. He smiled so wide that his eyes were smiling, too. He showed her such tenderness in his smile that it felt so much better than her vision to be on the receiving end. He leaned forward and tucked the wild strand behind her hair.

“That’s okay. You obviously were having a very important thought. I tend to know a thing or two about those.” His eyes held a little mischief like he knew, and she was worried that he could somehow read her mind. “What I had asked before was, do you think it’s the right time to successfully implement the fantasy spell?”

“Yeah, no time like the present.” Iris felt herself beaming at him and looking at him with her heart on her sleeve, not caring that her intuitive twin would definitely be asking about why she was looking at him like that later. Beckett’s blush reached his cheek at the same time the magickal fire glowed a beautiful magenta hue, illuminating his face and highlighting his blush in a stunning way. She felt her heart skip a beat.

Shreya who was getting more drunk by the minute, spoke loudly interrupting their moment. “I’M SO READY!”

Iris smiled at her best friend enjoying the night and complimenting herself on how great the party she threw was going. Iris wasn’t feeling anything more than buzzed as her Sun Magick was working her energy and metabolism quickly, but she didn’t mind. If she was going to have any part of her vision come true tonight, she wanted to be clear headed.

“Okay, everyone have their stick they’re going to cast their intentions with?” Everyone nodded and grabbed their twig they picked out earlier. “Okay, now take a moment to take a couple deep breaths before I cast the spell to ground yourself.” As everyone closed their eyes, Iris couldn’t help but peek at Beckett before taking her own grounding breaths.

Standing up with Atlas who stood on the other end of the fire, they began to recite the powerful spell. Everyone’s stick began to illuminate a bright magickal golden hue and rise by the energy of the spell. Then each stick flew into the fire one by one, casting a puff of colorful smoke.

Iris felt the corners of her eyes grow blindingly bright as she was pulled into her spell’s fantasy. The vision began to unfold. She found herself sleeping in bed, breeze blowing through a quiet bedroom. The peace and quiet was soon challenged as vision Iris sat straight up in bed gasping, waking from a night terror.

Stirring next to her was another body and to her heart’s pleasure sat up Beckett, tousled hair from sleep, rubbing her shoulders kissing them lazily and softly.

“Bad dream, baby?” His voice thick with sleep asked vision Iris as she leaned into his touch and nodded. He enveloped her into a large hug and slowly brought her back to lay down in bed. She rested her head on his heart, and he stroked her hair.

“I’m here. No one will hurt you as long as I’m here. You’re safe. I’m not going anywhere. Ever.” His gentle voice and soft kisses to her head pulled her back to sleep.

Iris was pulled back to reality gasping trying to get a bearings of her surroundings again. She looked around to her friends who were wearing excited faces and started to chatter about what they saw in their own fantasties. Aster was giddy with delight seeing her excel in Attuned Magick and Zeph had fantasies about being the new Thief captain.

Shreya then began to talk about the love story that folded into her fantasy and that racy novelists should just contact her now, she has a best seller. Iris felt herself fading away more and more from the group as her mind began to unravel.

She felt the ringing in her ears getting louder as a toxic thought kept repeating over and over: “you’ll never be good enough for that fantasy to be real. That happens to other people. Not you. He could never care about someone like you. Someone who doesn’t even deserve to have this immense power circulating through you right now. Someone who can’t even control it properly. Who has no idea what they are doing. You can’t do this.”

Iris stood up abruptly then Sun magick bursting through her as her magick and mind threatened to spiral, shocking her friends slightly at the sudden movement and bright light that briefly casted them.

“I….I...I don’t feel well.” Was the best Iris could make out. Her breaths were becoming staggered and shallow, and she felt the continuous intense rolling pressure in her chest and body that her anxiety brought. “Bathroom.” She bolted her way away from her friends, and could faintly hear Griffin laugh and say, “TMI” as she made her way into Shreya’s house.

She didn’t want anyone to follow her, and she wasn’t particularly sure where anything was in Shreya’s large house. So she just continued to walk down the gorgeous marble hallway down to the other end of the house hoping that the walk will calm her and her mind.

She rounded the corner and made her way down a second hallway to the back of the house. Stopping by the luxurious sunroom, Iris decided that this was a good place to hide and recoup. She admired the bright furniture and enchanted ceiling to have vines and other beautiful floral hanging below gracefully. Her Water magick hummed with delight when she saw the fountain and magickal rain that occurred for the plants every so often. Running her fingers in the fountain and casting little light orbs to follow her magickally started to make her feel at ease already.

Feeling foolish for how she left and having the fantasy affect her this much, Iris chastised herself again. She just wanted to be normal. Funny, she long hated her life before magick, but she envied the simplicity of just wanting to belong. She still didn’t feel like she belonged and now had a world of responsibility and power and everyone telling her where they think she belongs and watching her every move. Maybe she wasn’t able to handle this, and she didn’t know if she could let everyone down. She began to cry softly.

“I’m sorry.” Iris stated out loud to no one in particular feeling pathetic.

“Hey, no need for that.” Beckett spoke softly startling Iris at his entrance to the room. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. You had been gone for a bit, and I could tell something was wrong, so I wanted to find you. Don’t worry, the others think I’m admiring the flora in the front garden.”

“How did you find me?” Iris said sniffling and wiping her eyes to compose herself in front of someone who always looked so well kempt.

“It’s funny how you don’t even have to try, but it’s as if you are my magnet. I find myself being able to feel your energy and magick quite easily.” Beckett explained and made his way to sit next to her on the large couch.

“You’re being too sweet because I freaked out back there. You don’t have to baby me. I know I’m crazy.” Iris spoke and hated how self deprecating she sounded. He shifted his body to look at her face forcing her to meet him in the eyes.

“Don’t ever say that about yourself. You’re not crazy. You just spend so much time taking care of others, that when you take care of yourself it feels strange.” He said matter of factly, and she cursed his brilliant brain for being right all the time.

“I hate the attention being on me. I can’t stand the pressure anymore, Beck. It’s all getting to me. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Atlas wants to go head first into the whole half-Source life, and I’m sitting here fucking terrified! I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve all this power.” Iris broke her facade that she was strong and doing well and began to sob into Beckett’s arms.

He took her into his arms and tightened the hug holding her like he was the glue keeping her together. He stroked her hair and let her cry and let out her emotions she desperately needed to release. He gave comforting noises but didn’t try to stop her from feeling. He made her feel validated for being upset.

After she her crying slowed down, she stayed for a while breathing in Beckett’s scent and just feeling his warm strong hand caressing her back soothingly. She reluctantly pulled back after a while, and she was so close to him that she could count all his freckles.

“I’m so-” Iris began to apologize and Beckett gently put his finger to her mouth to silence her. She couldn’t help but feel the electricity that sparked through her as he touched her lips.

“Don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. I want to be here for you, through thick and thin.” He stared at her face as if he was having a long conversation with himself before he continued speaking.

“You deserve everything that makes you happy. It pains me greatly to see you like this. To think that you don’t feel the way you brighten everyone’s lives. That you can’t see that your warmth stays with people for hours and how no one forgets all the times you’ve been there for them. You take on every challenge with everything you have, Iris. You’ve been through terrible situations no one should ever be in, but yet you’re in them again and again with people asking too much of you. And you give to them! You give everything you have to every person, and you’re still able to find the spark in the darkest room because that’s how incredible you are! You’re there for Atlas but she can’t be there for you emotionally. You’re there for Shreya but there is always going to be that distance between you guys because you can’t relate. Iris, when the hell are you there for yourself?”

Knowing that Iris wasn’t actually going to answer that question, Beckett’s cheeks blushed as he spoke, “No matter. I will be there for you whenever you aren’t there for yourself to remind you how amazing you are.”

Iris just stared at her friend in shock that not only did someone think of her that way, but that Beckett thought of her that way. Her lip started to quiver as she was overcome with intense emotion and Beckett cupped her face. They had never shared such an intimate and raw moment, and Iris felt her heart and soul fall even more head over heels in love with the man in front of her. The man who wanted to be her light for her when she couldn’t find her own.

“Thank you.” Was all she could croak out as she took an audible gulp. After a moment of comfortable silence and steadying her breath she continued, “You know, Beck. I couldn’t have made it this far without you. I’m so grateful to have you in my life. You make me feel like I can figure out who I am and be allowed to fail, and I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing that feels.”

She smiled at him and allowed herself to show the person she cared for most just how much she cared in her eyes. She rested her hands against his thigh, and she could hear his breath hitch. She didn’t want to be afraid of rejection and losing him anymore. His thumb brushed against her cheek lightly, and he didn’t make any moves to move apart. She could feel his breath hitting her lips and she enjoyed the way his aroma began to engulf her as well.

“I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. It’s crazy but I’d do just about anything to keep you safe. I can’t pull myself away from you, and I don't think I want to try anymore” Beckett spoke softly blushing lightly at his confession. She felt her chest tighten and her mind wanted to tell her that is was a lie, but a part of her that she was so tired of fighting, wanted it to be true.

“Beckett…” Iris breathed and found herself lost at words, feeling her magick drawing herself even closer to him. He was intoxicating.

“Can you tell me something, Iris?” Beckett asked her and she would just about give him anything he wanted now.

“Of course.”

“Obviously something you saw in the fantasy made you a bit upset. Do you mind telling me what it was?” He sheepishly asked and she could tell this flustered him a bit instantly making her wonder what his was. She tried to control her body temperature, so she didn’t give anything anyway.

“It wasn’t a bad fantasy or vision. It just made me a bit sad because I desperately wanted it to be my future, but I have a terrible fear that it would never happen. It hurts too much to think about that.” Iris took a deep breath and looked down at her lap and thanked all the energy the Summer Solstice brought to give her the courage she needed to say what she wanted out loud.

“What was it, Iris?” The vulnerability in his voice made her tear her gaze from her lap and look into his grey eyes that were heavy with emotion.

“Beckett…” Iris felt her face getting warmer as she spoke, “My fantasy was that you loved me.”

#beckett harrington #the elementalists #play choices #fanfic #choicesaprilchallenge #fanfiction #choices stories you play #beckett x mc #beckett harrington x mc #choices fanfiction

42 notes · View notes

nicnacsnonsense · 5 years

Text

Moana “Script” Doctor

This is a continuation on my previous post musing on some of the flaws in Moana and how to fix them. First post can be found here.

Our movie still opens with Grandma telling the story of how Maui stole the heart of Te Fiti. The key difference in this version is it is understood and explicitly stated both that Maui stole the heart with the intention of it being for humanity, and that the darkness now spreading across the world because of Te Fiti’s missing heart is also why they settled on their island and stopped being voyagers. The village chief Tui, henceforth referred to as Dad, interrupts her story. Not because he disagrees with any of the facts she is presenting, but because she’s scaring the children. Grandma insists the kids are fine, they love stories about Maui, right Moana? Except whoops, Moana is gone.

Cut to Moana, cowering the bushes at the edge of the beach, having clearly been terrified by the story. She hears some cawing and looks over to see a little baby turtle wanting to get to the ocean, but in danger of being eaten by birds. Moana waffles for a minute, then grabs a leaf and uses it to escort the baby turtle to the ocean, despite clearly being afraid of the birds herself. She successfully gets the turtle back to the ocean and maybe waves goodbye to him. She stares at the ocean apprehensively, then looks down at her feet, where the waves are consistently stopping a few inches short of her. She slowly picks her foot up and is about to test it in the water, when a big waves comes up and knocks her down on her butt. Little Moana is not happy about this. She scrambles backward to get away from the water, and in doing so realizes the big wave also deposited something in her lap. She grabs it and looks at in with interest. Then we hear Dad calling her and she gets up and goes running back to him.

Next is the getting older montage, probably set to song. The big takeaways in this montage include Moana, though smart and athletic and capable, is kind of a scaredy cat and consequently lacks self-confidence in general; Dad is very protective and nurturing and understanding of Moana’s fears to a fault; and Grandma pushes Moana to help her grow, also to a fault. Moana’s afraid of the ocean, so Grandma is liable to pick her up and throw her into the deep water whereas Dad will let her avoid doing anything that has to do with going down to the beach. Also during this we should start to see the effects of the spreading darkness – blight on the crops, less fish in the ocean, and people getting sick.

Finally we get to Moana being the present day time of the movie, and the scene where no fish are caught anywhere on any side of the island. The night after this Moana goes back home to overhear Dad and Grandma arguing. Grandma is asserting Dad knows what needs to be done to fix the crisis and Dad is having none of it: she’s too young; she’s not ready. Grandma accuses him of being overprotective and Dad accuses her of pushing too hard. Grandma says the ocean gave Moana the heart of Te Fiti and chose her to restore the heart. At this point Moana freaks out and runs off. This is also probably where we would insert another song number, though obviously this Moana’s song would be pretty different from “How Far I’ll Go.”

After the song, Moana is sitting by herself when Sina, henceforth Mom, comes up and sits beside her, confirming Moana had heard the argument. She tells Moana Dad and Grandma both love her and want what’s best for her, even if they don’t agree on what that is. Moana pulls the heart out of her pendant and says it can’t actually be the heart, right? It’s just a pounamu stone that happened to wash up on the beach. Mom confirms she believes the stone is the heart of Te Fiti, but she’s more ambivalent as to whether the ocean chose Moana or if it was just a coincidence. She says regardless, and no matter what Moana decides to do, she has full faith in her and supports her, and she is just generally best mom.

Mom jokes that they ought to get back before Dad and Grandma kill each other, a joke that gets much less funny a few seconds later when they hear the conch shell and find out Grandma is actually dying. We’d see her coughing occasionally in earlier scenes and it appears she’s come down with the mysterious illness that is assumed to be caused by the darkness spreading due to Te Fiti missing her heart. When Moana makes it to Grandma’s bedside, she tries to use the heart to heal her, but it doesn’t work that way. Grandma instead chargers her with returning the heart, Moana says she can’t, and Grandma insists she can. She tells Moana she knows she’s hard on her sometimes and pushes her, but only because she knows Moana is braver inside than she knows.

Grandma dies, and Moana declares she will take the heart to Te Fiti. Dad protests at first, but Mom reminds him they agreed to let Moana grow at her own pace, and here she is, telling them she’s ready to grow. He reluctantly concedes and they go to the cave where the large canoes for open-seas voyages are. They aren’t hidden there per se, the interior cove just makes a good place to store them that’s out of the way and out of the weather. They get Moana situated on her boat, then Dad instructs her to wait while he gets one more thing. While he’s gone, Moana confesses to Mom she’s scared and Mom tells her that’s okay; this is a scary thing she’s about to do. The good news is they’ve got something that might help.

Cue Dad coming back with Maui’s fishhook. He explains to Moana that a thousand years ago when their people were looking for somewhere to stay while waiting for it to be safe to voyage again, they found this island with Maui’s hook washed up on the beach, which they took as a sign. Since then it’s been a sacred duty passed down from chief to chief to guard the hook and keep it safe until Maui returned for it. Now he’s passing that duty on to her: she must keep the hook safe and return it to Maui. Then she can ask him for his help in restoring the heart.

Moana is partially excited, because she’s a big fan of Maui. She’s heard all these stories about him and he’s always very daring and brave, which is something she, being meek and often frightened, looks up to him for. On the other hand she’s a bit nervous and overwhelmed at the thought of asking Maui, a demigod for his help. Mom tells her she ought to grab him by the ear and tell him “I am Moana of Motunui. You will board my boat, sail across the ocean, and restore the heart of Te Fiti.” Moana is vaguely horrified, but Mom laughs and says she was just kidding; Maui is the hero of men, if Moana asks for his help, he’s sure to agree.

We get a little of Moana sailing on calm seas, talking herself through what are clearly some rushed instructions on sailing Dad gave her before she set out (or she might be “talking” to Heihei. As he has no real impact on the plot, I won’t be including any mentions of him in this, but if you enjoy his silly chicken antics, please mentally insert him where appropriate). Then a storm rolls in and it becomes very apparent she really has no idea what she’s doing. Her boat capsizes and as a last ditch effort Moana pleads with the ocean to help her. Giant wave, and cut.

We open back up on Moana and her boat washed up on a beach. Moana figures out this is the island where Maui is, has a brief minor panic attack about what she’s going to say to him, suddenly he’s there, and she just blurts out “I am Moana of Motunui,” etc. etc. She is again horrified and quickly and clumsily tries to verbally backpedal until Maui laughs at her good-naturedly and asks if she wants to try that again. She explains, more politely and thoroughly why she’s here and asks for his help. Maui is visibly reluctant, but Moana doesn’t seem to notice. Before he can answer one way or the other, she exclaims she forgot something and scrambles back to her boat to pull Maui’s hook out of the inner compartment. Maui is overjoyed to have his hook back. He gives it a few practice swings then shapeshifts into a few different animals in rapid succession then back to his normal form. He laughs in a way that might seem like just a further expression of joy at the time, but in retrospect is clear awkward “I meant to do that” kind of laughter. He then agrees to join Moana and to help her restore Te Fiti’s heart.

They’re out at sea with Maui now steering the boat – he is the one who knows where they’re going after all – and Moana is fiddling with her necklace. She comes to a decision and opens it up to take out the heart and offer it to Maui, believing it will be safer in his care. Maui freaks out a little, what are you doing, put that thing away, before -= too late. The Kakamora attack.

Maui tells Moana to take over steering the boat and to do what she can to evade and get them away while he holds the Kakamora off. Moana reveals she doesn’t really know how to sail. Maui does some quick thinking, then declares fine, he’ll try to get them away and she should do whatever she can to keep the Kakamora off them. Moana doesn’t do a bad job of it, but unfortunately the Kakamora manage to steal the heart. Moana reports this to Maui and he asks if she thinks she can go over and take it back. At Moana’s flabbergasted response, Maui explains he has an idea to get them away from the Kakamora, but he can’t sail and fight the Kakamora at the same time, so does Moana think she can go steal the heart back? Moana’s answer is a resounding, “No. Yes. Yeas, I can do it.” As Maui notes, this is not an encouraging answer, but he’s going to trust her. Moana is successful in getting the heart back, despite being clearly terrified as she’s doing it, Maui uses a bit of tricky steering to get the Kakamora’s boats to collide into each other, and the two of them escape with the heart.

Moana immediately collapses to the floor of the boat, emotionally overwhelmed by what just happened. Maui pats on the back, a little awkwardly, and tells her she did it, it’s over, everything’s fine now. Once Moana has calmed down he asks her if she really doesn’t know how to sail. Moana says she only has a very basic knowledge that was imparted right before she set out; she never learned before because she’s afraid of the water. Maui looks around as though to confirm, yes, they are indeed surrounded by water. He offers to teach her how to wayfind. Moana is initially reluctant because Maui can do it, so they should be fine, right? Maui points out there may be more situations like what just happened in the future where it’ll be helpful where either of them can take over control of the boat, plus it might help her deal with her fear if she knows what she’s doing. Moana agrees and the scene ends with Maui starting to instruct her on some of the basics.

The next scene fades in with him instructing her on coming in and landing the boat on the beach of a new island. Conversation establishes it’s been a few days, and they’re stopping to top off their supplies. They split up to look for food and fresh water. We’re following Moana who’s found some good fruit that’s just out of reach and she’s so focused on getting it that she doesn’t notice the menacing rustling from behind her. Cut to Maui hearing her scream and running to save her. Cut back to Moana at the end of her scream. She’s been nabbed by Tamatoa. Tamatoa tells her to be quiet, she’s shocked he can talk, and he’s offended she would be shocked. Moana manages to pick up on his sense of self-importance and starts flattering him. It manages to distract him for a while, long enough that by the time he goes to eat her, Maui triumphantly enters the scene. Tamatoa is frightened to see Maui. Maui brandishes his hook with a look of desperate concentration and turns into a little fish. He tries a few more times with no more success. Tamatoa laughs at him and sets Moana down so he can go beat up on Maui as revenge for Maui cutting off his leg. Moana intervenes and manages to trick and incapacitate Tamatoa – Maybe tricking him into falling off a cliff? – and she and Maui run back to the boat.

Once they’re back out at sea Moana asks Maui about the hook not working. He confesses that he hasn’t been able to use it successfully since they got it back. Moana realizes she hasn’t seen him use it at all since he got it back, except the brief bout of rapid-fire changing right when she returned it. Maui confesses that was not what he was trying to do back then, and he’s since been hiding the fact he can’t use the hook from her. But it’s not working anymore, he’s useless. Moana says her family has been holding that hook in sacred trust for him for generations. Maui expression shows he is ready for her to really lay into him. Instead Moana follows her comment with, so of course you’re not going to be able to use it right away. You haven’t been able to practice with it for over a 1000 years. It’s going to take time to relearn how to use it, and Moana offers to help with that. Maui is completely baffled, Moana misunderstands why he is baffled and says that while she doesn’t know how to use a magic fish hook to shapeshift, sometimes it just helps to talk things through with someone, like when she talks through her wayfinding lessons with him, or back on her island she used to talk things through with her mom all the time when she was struggling with it. Maui accepts her help and after a few minutes of talking Moana suggests maybe he’s just overthinking the transformation when he’s supposed to let the magic flow naturally. He tries again with a noticeably calmer expression and manages to transform into a giant eagle for just long enough to briefly celebrate before involuntarily turning back to human. Moana is undeterred, seeing this as a huge success and says as all has he keeps at it and she keeps at her wayfinding they’ll both be pros in no time.

Another time skip and now Maui is telling Moana about some dangerous obstacle up ahead that will require some very skillful sailing and maneuvering of the boat. (I do not know enough about sailing or the geography of Polynesia to know what an appropriate tricky sailing thing could be and as the exact nature of it doesn’t matter, it shall jus be referred to as tricky sailing thing.) After he finishes explaining he tells Moana she’s going to do it as a final test of her new skills. Moana asks if she has to, and Maui says no, not if she doesn’t want to. Relieved at the pressure being off, Moana asks if Maui really thinks she can pull it off. Maui points out that obviously he does or he wouldn’t have suggested it and asks if she thinks she can do it. Moana’s answer is a hesitant but affirmative, “Yes, I can.”

So they begin with the tricky sailing thing, but as soon as they get started, a monster attacks. The exact nature of the monster will ultimately depend on the exact nature of the tricky sailing thing, but for now let’s go with a taniwha. (From Wikipedia: “In Māori mythology, taniwha are beings that live in deep pools in rivers, dark caves, or in the sea, especially in places with dangerous currents or deceptive breakers (giant waves). They may be considered highly respected kaitiaki (protective guardians) of people and places, or in some traditions as dangerous, predatory beings, which for example would kidnap women to have as wives… At sea, a taniwha often appears as a whale or as quite a large shark.”) Maui tells Moana she’s got this, then jumps off the boat and goes to do battle with the taniwha. Moana successfully navigates the tricky sailing thing, made even trickier by the fight going on and Maui successfully uses his shapeshifting abilities to fight off the taniwha. Once they are in the clear they celebrate their success and how awesome each other are.

Next we get an upbeat travel montage with a fun upbeat travel song. There should be scenes of Moana and Maui sailing on open water, stopping off on islands to get more supplies, fighting off more monsters, and maybe weathering a bad storm. Ultimately the montage should showcase that there are a lot of dangers lurking, but also how well Moana and Maui work as a team, and how big and beautiful the area really is.

After the montage we cut to our twilight scene. Moana is steering while Maui lying back, not quite napping. He looks over and notices Moana’s worried expression and asks her what’s wrong. She points out what must be really bad storm clouds blotting out the stars in the direction their heading. Maui looks and tells her those aren’t storm clouds; it’s soot. That’s Te Kā, meaning they should be to Te Fiti by tomorrow.

This unsurprisingly does not alleviate Moana’s worry and Maui tells her it’ll be fine and she’s probably the bravest person he’s ever met. Moana is rather incredulous and points out that she is scared all the time. Maui says not quite as much anymore, but yeah she is, is kind of amazing, but not as amazing as her still being here and having done all the things she has to get here and that’s what makes her so brave, way braver than Maui. Moana takes exception to the implication her childhood hero and new BFF might not be brave and starts pointing out all the brave things he’s done in the past, using his tattoos to illustrate her point. He clearly appreciates the admiration, but points out it was easy for him to act brave in those situations, because he’s Maui, Shapeshifter, Demigod of the Wind and Sea, Hero of Men, he doesn’t have any reason to be scared of monsters. He brandishes his fishhook for emphasis.

Moana hesitates, then touches the tattoo on his back. Maui tenses. She tells him this is the one Maui story she never liked, because it never made sense to her; why would anyone ever want to throw someone as amazing as Maui away. Maui says that was before the gods found him and gave him his fishhook and made him a demigod; his mother didn’t throw Maui away, just him. Moan says just you is Maui. Maui doesn’t believe it, so as proof she points back to all the tattoos of the things he’s done again, things he did all for humanity. Even though his human parent threw him away, he didn’t let that hurt define him; that’s what makes him brave. Very softly he says, “But I did.” Everything he’s done for humanity was with the hope if he could do something amazing enough, if he could just prove he was worthy, then maybe his family would take him back. He gives a self-depreciating chuckle and says he knows they were all mortal and are all long dead now, but in spite of that he keeps hoping…

Moan interrupts to say she will be his family. Her and her mom and dad and her whole island. They’ll all be his family if he wants. He doesn’t have to be alone. Moana is looking up at him all earnest and pure, and Maui laughs again, but happy this time. He tousles her hair and tells her “Alright, alright, you win.” Then he tells he’ll take over with the boat and she should get some sleep because they’ve got a big day tomorrow. She curls up on the boat and Maui looks down at her smiling fondly. The he looks up at the soot cloud and his grip on his hook tightens.

The next day they approach Te Kā and go over their general plan. They’ll split up as they approach Te Fiti, Maui getting in close to Te Kā to harry her while Moana sialing by on the boat hopefully serves as enough of a distraction to give Maui the upper hand. Once she lands on Te Fiti, Moana will hand off the heart to Maui, then hide while Maui uses his shapeshifting to get to the spiral where the heart goes as quickly as possible. They go in and Maui fights Te Kā while Moana searches for a way past the barrier islands. She finally manages to spot the gap, but she hadn’t been paying close enough attention while she was looking and Maui just barely manages to intercept Te Kā’s attack. Moana, Maui and the boat are blasted away by the impact.

Moana returns to consciousness and sees Maui sitting on the edge of the boat. She asks if he’s okay, and he turns, looking completely despondent and holding his cracked and burned hook. She asks if they can fix it, he says no, so she says they’ll be more careful next time. He says there won’t be a next time; Te Kā is too dangerous and if they try again, he’ll break his hook for good. Moana says he doesn’t need it, but Maui says he’s nothing without his hook. Moana says it’ll be okay, what happened was her fault for not paying attention and she won’t let it happen again. She can – Maui snaps, and yells at her no, she can’t.

This breaks Moana. She collapses to the floor, her head bowed and her hand holding her necklace. Maui looks very guilty and hesitantly approaches her. Moana mutters to herself, then repeats it again, louder. “I am Moana of Motunui. You will board my boat, sail sail across the ocean, and restore the heart of Te Fiti.” She has pulled the heart out of her necklace and holds it up to him. Maui is visibly torn and his expression suggests he’s about to change his mind and agree to try again. Right then his hook sparks, he looks at it, and the fear is back. He tells Moana he’s sorry, then transforms and flies away.

Moana scrambles after him, begging him not to leave. As she does, the heart comes out of her hand, bounces off the side of the boat, and sinks down in the ocean. Moana comes to a stop kneeling on the edge of the boat. She looks out over the ocean and asks it to please help her. Nothing appears to happen and she bows her head again in despair.

Then stingray Grandma comes through, and appears as ghost Grandma on her boat. Moan runs to her, and tells her she can’t do it; she’s sorry. Grandma says it’s her fault for asking too much of Moana, for always putting too much on Moana’s shoulders. She tells Moana if she’s ready to go home, then she will be with her.

Moana grabs her oar, but hesitates. Grandma asks why, then we go into the triumphant reprise of Moana’s earlier I Am song. The main theme of the song should be Moana admitting and accepting she’s afraid, but that doesn’t define her. It the experiences she’s had and the lessons she’s learned and the people she loves that makes her who she is. “I am Moana,” and she dives into the ocean to reclaim the heart. She fixes up her boat and sails back to Te Fiti saying, “I am Moana of Motunui. I will board my boat, sail sail across the ocean, and restore the heart of Te Fiti.”

Sher manages to get past Te Kā and through the gap in the barrier islands, showcasing some skill that we have previously seen her use, but once she’s in the inner lagoon, her boat capsizes. Te Kā attacks, but Maui swoops in just in time to save her. Moana is pleased to see him back and he says it was about time he tried being brave. She asks about his hook and he says he doesn’t need it, then winks and adds that Te Kā still has to catch him first. He tells her he’ll hold Te Kā off, so does she think she can go save the world. Moana confidently asserts “Yes, I can.” He flips the boat and fights Te Kā his hook shattering in the process.

Meanwhile Moana makes it to land, climbs the mountain and sees Te Fiti is no longer there. She realizes Te Kā is Te Fiti and holds the heart up to get Te Kā’s attention before heading back down to the water. She holds the heart in front of her and instructs the ocean to let Te Kā come to her. The ocean parts. Moana and Te Kā make their way toward each other. The main emotion on Moana’s face is compassion – she’s finally not scared anymore, but only because she feels so much empathy for the pain Te Kā/Te Fiti has suffered that it overwhelms any feeling of fear.

The heart and Te Fiti are restored. Te Fiti nonverbally thanks Moana. Maui apologizes for what he did and Te Fiti offers him a new hook. He tells her very genuinely he doesn’t need it anymore. Moana agrees he doesn’t need it, but think how many more people he could help with it, plus it would be rude to turn down a gift from a goddess. He tousles her hair and tells her she wins again. He takes the hook and is just as genuinely giddy to have it back. Te Fiti makes Moana a new boat to get home on, and Moana tells Maui he��s welcome to come. He tells her he has a lot of heroing to do, but she’ll see him around. If nothing else he’s got to make it to the next family get-together, right? Moana grins and promises to save him a seat. They hug. Happy ending montage with Moana going back to her island and teaching her people to be voyagers again. The End.

#Moana #Disney #Maui #meta #fanfiction

2 notes · View notes

circleofhope · 2 years

Text

Superwoman Syndrome Part 1 - A Harsh Reality

I don't feel enthusiastic to go and meet one of my friends when she invites us for dinner, makes sure that the 3-course meal is lip-smacking, her house is the cleanest, neat and tidy amongst us all and never fails to achieve the promotions at work.

She fits the description of a superwoman, balancing several roles and excelling in many, if not all of them. You may argue that this isn't a problem for her if she feels capable of completing the numerous duties each day.

She, on the other hand, is constantly taking on additional obligations, and is frequently seen hurrying around, looking agitated, and appearing to be on the verge of burning out, according to other acquaintances. Another issue is that those around her may feel obligated to live up to her high standards. Because of her superpowers, others will require them as well. Does she remind you of someone? Perhaps you've seen these patterns in your own behavior?

You know her. She is the one with a lovely family and a successful career, and the one who always appears to be well-dressed on Instagram. Her list of responsibilities is endless: caretaker, nurturer, cook, hostess, wife, volunteer, mother, daughter, to name a few. She manages to fit everyone and everything into her schedule, and she does it all with elegance and poise.

Don't blame her, all thanks to the Superwoman Syndrome. And yes, she is not alone. Do you also feel overwhelmed with work at times?

Do you have a never-ending to-do list that motivates you to be a better person? Many of us are under the stress of juggling multiple full-time duties, such as being a career woman, a decent mother, a supportive friend, and spouse, or serving as the family's therapist.

The term 'Superwoman Syndrome' is used in popular psychology to describe women who juggle several roles and feel obligated to excel in all of them. Marjorie Hansen Shaevitz coined the term "superwoman syndrome" in her book of the same name (Warner Books, 1984).

The concept gained traction following the feminist movement of the 1970s and 1980s, which saw women transition from raising children at home to working full-time jobs without sacrificing efficiency in either.

Women are frequently pressured to perform far more than they are capable of. Society promotes Indian women from traditional families to be superwomen. These women are frequently the first in their families to work full-time. As a result, they don't have a choice to manage both their households and their careers, and they thrive at both. Their dedication to their jobs is sometimes viewed as a personal decision rather than a necessity.

Indian women are still expected to fulfill the role of the perfect daughter, wife, or daughter-in-law. Often, these moms get up before anybody else to cook breakfast, a multi-course supper for their children and in-laws, go to work for a whole day, then come home to prepare dinner. In many of these houses, hiring a cook is still frowned upon because it is the woman's job to feed her family. Consider the magnitude of obligations that this woman carries. Is she capable of completing this superhuman effort daily for the rest of her life? What about her own physical and psychological well-being?

Is it possible for someone to excel in many or contradictory duties and continue to do so with ease over time? So, why do we set such improbable ambitions for ourselves? Don't we realize how vulnerable we are while running this race?

Is it too tough for us to recognize that we all have flaws and that it is these imperfections that distinguish us? We can't be everything to everyone else until we first look after ourselves.

Let's go ahead and discuss this really important topic in the next blog, and understand the signs and symptoms as well.

#Superwoman Syndrome #Circle Of Hope

0 notes

x---an--othered--another---x · 3 years

Text

this is about the first woman that broke me.

CW // parental abuse, neglect, family trauma, conversion therapy, body dysmorphia, christianity

Dear "Mom".....

This is everything I want to tell you, and too terrified to speak.

I know you will never understand.

You and Dad always used to speak about how my arrival to the world was with purpose. Unlike my older brother, I was the baby that was planned, because he always wanted a little girl. Unfortunately, now, we understand why. But we aren't here to speak about him -- not yet, anyway.

In childhood, I remember my anxious attachment with you. When out of my sight, it was not unusual for me to cry or scream for you. I found life without you to be vile and fearful. I was also terrified that you would never come back to me.

I loved you so deeply. I needed you even more. I always wanted my mom. I felt emotionally empty and confused without her... perhaps, to a point that could be considered "abnormal". I don't know how it started. I just felt it, and too such an overwhelming capacity, even for a small child. Mama's boy in the making.

Sometimes -- many times, actually -- you did leave me quite perplexed, to say the absolute least. When in good spirits, you were perfect; a loving, nurturing, kind, and thoughtful existence, capable of soothing and comforting my deepest woe or worry. It was not unlike you to occasionally spoil me, be it with gifts, snacks, quality time, or simply your positive attention. Your laughter could put a soft smile on my face, and, beside of you, I felt not only loved and cared for, but also, whole. It was a fullness I could never achieve through anything or anyone else. I understood this early in life.

In retrospection, it is phases like this that make me ashamed of my burning resentment for you.

Because, what the rest never knew, is that this was never you, all the time. I firmly believe it is who you wanted to be, and even who you still hope to be -- maybe even believe that you already are. Perhaps, you tried your best.

But, I cannot forget this.

There is a special kind of self-blame that comes with looking into the same eyes that once bore an adoring gaze for you, and, suddenly, watching them fill with what could only be described as unbridled hatred and loathing in your anxious direction. To be sharing a warm embrace for one moment, to finding it impossible to look up at that twisted, angry expression so soon after. Regardless of what you intended, I need you to know that I was legitimately scared of you, in such moments. If looks could kill, I would have been dead by age 10.

Of course, this is much more than just an uncomfortable stare that I am so disturbed by when I reflect upon the past we shared. Whether you will ever accept this or not is irrelevant, because, in the end, this is the truth: You physically assaulted me, and more than once. When you caught me telling my friends about this, you gaslighted me into believing that it was 110% my fault, that I triggered your explosive rage and therefore deserved this. If not this specific approach, you would only convince me that I was grossly exaggerating, or that it never even happened to begin with. If you happened to ever be reading this, I am positive you would do it, again.

Let's get specific, lest you then make the bold claim that I am engaging in an infamous "fake accusation" -- the abuser's favorite go-to line. I first remember an instance when I was 12: I got into the car after school with sharpie markings on my arms, because my friends wanted to playfully draw on me, and I told them they could do so. I had no reason to suspect that this would be some horribly upsetting event in your eyes; you had never even mentioned to me that this kind of thing was a problem, at all.

Your response? You took me to the nearest grocery store parking lot, parked as far away from the doors and other cars as possible, and proceeded to punch me. Granted, it was my thigh, sometimes my arm, but it was with as much force as you could muster in that moment, and you did it repeatedly. I was in legitimate shock, and, for one of the first times in regards to you, I flinched. I cowered. I cried, and I asked you to stop. You did, only to continue to verbally tear into me. By this point, I was too stressed out being in a car with you to even hear what you were saying to me.

You never apologized for this.

While this was not the first time you had taken out your tantrum on me -- physically or emotionally -- I can confidently say that this was the day I knew I could never trust you. From this day forward, my every move and word would be calculated. I would learn to hide everything from you, which, eventually, led to hiding everything from everyone I ever knew.

You laugh when you tell us the story of how I would "vomit on command" when you would spank me as a toddler. I obviously do not remember this, as I was between two and four years old, at the time. I thank whatever deity helped me forget this, because I have since digested how actually fucked up what you always described really is.

"You would get into trouble, and I would spank you, and you started puking to make me stop," you would say with a giggle and a smile. "So I got to where I would just hold you over the porch when I did, so you would puke over the ledge instead of the floor."

Mom, do you understand that what you were punishing with such callous ferocity was my trauma response to your husband grooming and molesting me?

Nevermind the "where were you when it happened" speech -- why were you beating the shit out of me when I showed that behavior (which, by the way, is concerning as shit)? Why were you beating the shit out of me AT ALL?

And why, even now, do you tell the story with such a sadistic giddiness about you?

Moving on. I can harp forever on the chronic, neverending shame, despair, and animalistic fear that came with the fanatic Southern Baptist family dynamic -- or, those jarring, unexpected alternations in your ability to provide me with healthy love and emotional substance. However, the abuse really kicked up a notch once I reached puberty, which, I was unfortunately old enough to internalize, and therefore remember later into my adult life.

I couldn't count how many times you body-shamed me. Called me ugly, made "jokes" about my chest and ass, jumped on me the second my leg hair became visible to you. I remember those acne pills you insisted I start taking, because you were so worried that I would get scars all over my face from the intense breakouts. You loved the idea of me wearing make-up, but if I wore it my way over yours, then I just looked "evil" and "scary". You always hated how much I hated skirts and dresses.

It was as if my own body did not belong to me. Nothing I wanted to do with it was ever good enough for you. I was not allowed the control over my self-expression, my appearance, my whole vessel. You only wanted it to be yours to control and manipulate. Why?

And let's not forget your obsession with my hair. Good fucking god, Mom, your preoccupation with my beauty (of lack thereof) was so not fucking normal. I remember all the times you forced me to have my long hair cut into a dumb bob, because "it's not like you're gonna style it, anyway, what does it matter?" I remember sobbing the first time, and you did not emote in response, whatsoever. Or when I did not take a shower on Christmas Eve night, and you got mad at me because my hair was "too greasy". What was the response to that one? Oh, right. You "accidentally" caught my ear in the flat iron, after sloppily and angrily clamping the hair you were attempting to straighten for me.

On Christmas morning. I was seriously mortified. Inconsolable.

I became desensitized to my looks quite quickly, as I had internalized and accepted the fact that you so kindly graced me with. It became a finalized concept to me that I was irredeemably disgusting to look at and would never be called beautiful by anyone in my life. As true to myself as the grass was green. You made sure I knew this. My friends were always a threat to both of you for a reason. God help you should I tell them. God help you should I experience genuine love from another person.

As if this weren't enough, fast forward to the days I began to realize my queerness. I came out to the first person, and I felt nothing but freedom and euphoria. I became addicted and kept on telling others. I wanted to be known, to be seen, as me.

Living in a small town, it, of course, did not take long for the pastor and his wife to receive notice that their child was openly coming out of the closet to everyone but them.

Cue the fuckin' war drums, here, because I fear that words will simply never do.

When you stole my phone to rummage through my texts, you saw that I had also come out to my aunt -- the only family member I could count on to be supportive, at that time. You responded to her with a short text:

"Never talk to [000] again."

And she never did.

She died, two years later.

She, too, never got to know me. It was out of my control. I will never forgive you for this, and I mean that, genuinely.

In those two years, I covertly dated behind your back. Despite that you had taken my only source of external contact -- just in time for summer break -- and made extreme attempts to isolate me so that only direct family could access me... we stayed together. It was so very strained, but all I wanted was love. In the midst of "voluntary" conversion therapy, I needed it more than anything. I could quite literally have died without it.

My grades naturally dropped through these months of pretending I could be cured of my diseased attraction, which was met with force, as usual. Anything but an A, or a high B on the report card, and I may as well have shot someone in the streets. By now, it did not matter, to me. I was so fucking dead inside, by now. You broke me. At this point, you could have gutted me with a knife, and I would have barely reacted. I felt like nothing, so much so that I became no one, at all.

But hey. At least ya'll felt better.

Only, you didn't. The divorce came mere months following these events. I had never been so happy to see a relationship fail in my life. I should have been sad, but I knew this would be my ticket back into a normal life. You would finally fuck off, and I could just be a human being with no judge or critic looming over me every waking moment of my life. Maybe now, finally, I could live a life that wasn't graded. I didn't have to be godly -- perfect -- anymore.

You never knew this, but I will say, the way I became aware of this news was a lot less exciting. Through another restless night, I snuck to the kitchen for a snack. Your bedroom door was closed. The light remained beneath the doorway. You were fighting. Unfortunately, it was not that uncommon for you two to bicker, so I, for the most part, tuned it all out.

That's when the punching started. Your voices went momentarily silent, as if confused or stolen. Only the muffled, gutteral growls on occasion emitted from behind that closed door, between was sounded like the intentional, rage-induced smacking of skin.

I could only use my imagination.

In my mind, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that our father was beating the shit out of you. Cue dissociation. The only emotion left inside of me was anger, similarly.

I grabbed a knife. I had no idea what I wanted to do about this, but I wanted to be ready, just in case. And I sat outside that door, and listened to this physical exchange intently, clutching my kitchen knife by the handle, ready to do... whatever.

It was after I heard his annoyed pleading of "stop, stop it" and your hissing "who is she" that I finally had an accurate picture in my mind of what was happening just a few feet behind me.

I went to my room. I tried to call my brother, but he was asleep, as this was all going on at around 3AM. I called my best friend, who had to also go shortly into the call. I laid in my bed, alone and afraid to a point of triggered regression. I slept with the knife under my pillow, just in case.

I pretended not to hear it, the next morning. I never told you. I had no idea what to think or feel, and I did not want you to influence those things for me. Long story short, you both were over, and, honestly, I was celebrating that shit. Even as you mourned it for months on end. I was burnt out of sympathy. I only wanted to be free.

Things slowly improved once dad was removed from the household, but, by then, it was far too late. I could sense you attempting to connect with me, to withhold your emotional reactions toward me, to engage with me and approach me with adult kindness. I entertained your efforts for a while under the guise that I may finally experience a loving, motherly relationship. I have since discovered that there are still so many things etched in this old stone that no act of kindness will ever undo, that I cannot move on from, because you still never apologized, or even acknowledged that you were anything below a great mother whatsoever. In all fairness, would it even matter to me if you did, anymore?

This does not even cover all of those miseries passed down from you to me. Between trashing my drawings because they weren't holy enough for you, assuming me stupid when I couldn't pass math with flying colors, always reassuring me that my friends would never fully love me, and ESPECIALLY not like you did, and so much more..... this relationship was doomed from the start.

And I am tired of blaming myself for not wanting to see you, anymore.

Every time I speak with you, I feel gutted and anxious. The persistent sense of powerlessness and insignificance comes back full force, as if no amount of years has separated me from your dysregulated emotions, whatsoever. When I know we have to engage, I am assaulted with cluster migraines, and my mouth is sewn shut. I take on another person around you, even now, because I have no reason not to assume that you are no longer capable of that kind of mistreatment.

Afterall, it still does not exist to you, does it?

Nobody saw it. I was too small to be my own advocate. No family or church members would ever believe me. Even if they did, they would tell you. You even successfully convinced me, for so many years, that I am the one being to hard on YOU for these things.

Mom. You were the god damn adult.

It is not up to a child to control you emotions for you.

The saddest part of all of this, is that... I am still anxiously attached.

Your favorite way to punish me as a kid was the silent treatment. Sometimes, it would go on for days. In those periods of time, I really thought you would never love me or speak to me, again. I blame this for my inability to cope with separation from those I love even still.

As fucked as you may be, that space is still a vacancy. The absence still hurts. The abandonment feels so unbelievably eternal.

I am sure you sense my distance. I am absolutely breadcrumbing you; I admit it. I will respond to your daily texts maybe once or twice a week, because it is all that I can handle, anymore. It is arguable whether or not even that is not setting me back. In all honesty, I want to be rid of you, entirely.

But... that's retaliation, isn't it?

I guess I never learned how to do that.

Or, maybe, I am still so fucking scared of you.

Whatever it may be, I know in my core that I am better off without you. But, how do I communicate this to you? How do I shamelessly become the thing I hated so much? How do I do that to someone? How do I abandon another person knowing just how much it hurts to be on that other side?

And why am I the only one who seems to ask themselves this question, here?

I cannot keep dismissing these pains. They not only haunt me in a way that feels so self-conjured, but they pave the path for me to enable similar behaviors within myself, to fall in love with that same violent smile in another person.

To normalize the abuse.

I simply will not do this.

Dear "Mom".....

While unquestionably the better parent, you are not a good one, yourself. I long for a day where I can comfortably address this with you. I fear that this is only a product of my waking dream.

I need to wake up.

Whether or not I ever say goodbye in the flesh, I have far beyond said it in my heart and mind.

Please. Give a shit.

Beyond surface level.

For once.

Sincerely,

000

P.S. You never wanted a little girl. You only wanted a pet. Accept that.

#letters i never sent #letters i’ll never send #dear you #dear mom #complex ptsd #surviving narcissism #family troubles #i hate you #i love you #i need space #i miss you #let me grow #this was your fault

1 note · View note

jouchi-josei · 6 years

Text

lot of feelings.

i managed to write this a couple weeks ago. (i don’t remember if it was before or after i ghosted everyone. hah.)

this is the raw truth of what i felt in those moments, writing what i’ve been so desperate to say. whether the sentiment behind all of this is still present now doesn't matter.

save your time from trying to help me: i’m kind of already a lost cause.

spend your time reaching out. to those who feel like they have no one on their side. to those who aren’t comfortable enough to speak up. to those who aren’t as lucky as i.

i was supposed to cover “Words Fail” from Dear Evan Hansen and post it, but lately, i can barely get out of bed without being in extreme pain, both emotionally and physically.

///// suicide & extreme hopelessness trigger warning //////

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKP9UdIcXFk

“Words Fail.” Not only the title of the song, but a reminder. A reminder that no matter how hard you wish to explain yourself through spoken or written word, there is only so much that can do to express your true self. As someone who is lucky enough to be able to explain themselves through words at a decently comprehensible level, not being able to do so is so disheartening. So exhausting. So… isolating.

Before coming to Japan, I rarely experienced that. I always had a particular metaphor or analogy that could help others understand where I’m coming from. When I looked at people, I could see it click in their minds: they understood me on some kind of level. Some kind of understanding was enough for me. I managed to do that through word alone.

But… I lost that. I couldn’t explain the crippling loneliness, the lack of motivation, the overwhelming insecurities, the inability to get out of bed. I couldn’t explain why my depression was so bad.

People kept asking me, kept advising me, kept… trying.

Long after I stopped.

Rather than taking the time to try and explain myself thoroughly, I merely answered with an, “I don’t know,” because trying to formulate a proper response was too fatiguing.

My suicidal ideation is as heavy as it was the weeks following my last suicide attempt. And I mean that: it is. People have been fighting to keep me afloat, and I do not want their efforts to be for naught, but it’s been real difficult when I have not only a lack of a will to live, but a strong desire to die. Lack of a positive + presence of a negative = overwhelming negative.

When I was physically separated from my amazing support system and suddenly couldn’t avoid my problems by sleeping, I was forced to spend more time in my own head.

I was forced to really see myself. Discover more about myself. And the longer that that happened, the more I realized how much I hate myself. How disgusted I feel when I think about my being. I merely avoided it by focusing on other people. But being here forced me to confront myself straight-on. And what an unsightly thing it is.

I mess up a lot. Over and over and over again. And I was forced to come to terms with: even if your heart is full of immense regret and you swear to never do it again, people still might not give you a second chance. And they’re not obligated to. You just have to recognize that you messed up. And decide to do better next time.

But I’m also at the point of: why should I forgive myself when they won’t forgive me either? Why should I cut myself loose so easily?

They’re good people. Amazing people.

I’m the mess up.

I shouldn’t share something people have told me in confidence. I shouldn’t betray someone’s trust like that. I shouldn’t... use "coping” as a fucking an excuse instead of just owning up to the fact that I messed up. I hurt people I care about. And I need to take whatever repercussions come along with that.

My friends have called me out on this, but I didn’t do anything about it until recently. Like, mad recently. And the only reason I decided to do something about it was because my defenses were so broken down, I was forced to recognize that, even if I had no ill-intention, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt others.

My mom would do the same exact thing to me. Air out my dirty laundry for everyone to see. And I mean, literally everyone.

Like mother, like daughter, I guess.

(Don’t want to be, though.)

There are times where I wish I didn't have my heart open for everyone to see, I wish I didn’t “lead with the worst of me”. I wish I could stay quiet and not be vulnerable with people. Because now there are people who have parts of me I wish I could take back.

But no. That’s not who I am.

Inauthenticity I despise more than anything else. Of course, I could always just keep my heart tucked away, for only a select group to see, but my extreme trust issues say, “Share everything with everyone all the time! So no one can talk about you behind your back and use it against you! Because you don’t trust anyone ever! And that’s why you’ll never really love anyone!”

And yet, part of me has been terrified to talk about it: my suicidality. Because I’m so scared of being pulled back to America. I’m scared of whether my efforts of fighting for Japan will end up being futile.

The main thing that I’ve been fighting for for my own sake was Japan. The opportunity to study abroad was actually taken away from me back in January. Due to my mental illness and my “risk factor” of being abroad, UT decided to pull the decision from me. They offered me to study abroad in the Fall semester (those of who know how studying abroad in Japan works know that that would be impossible). They asked me how I felt over the phone. Was I meant to respond in a chipper voice, excitedly accepting their choice? (spoiler: I didn't) And they didn’t even offer me any kind of chance to try and prove I was stable enough to go abroad.

I had to find the solution myself, without their help.

I don’t… want to prove them right. UT screwed me over. Took away the one thing I wanted for myself.

I fought for it still.

And now that I’m here in Japan: a country that has no easy access to mental health professionals, xenophobic towards any and nearly every kind of 外人, and where my voice is lost among the overwhelming crowds…

I question whether I should be here or not. But America also holds a lot of bad memories for me too. Which one is better to lean towards? Who knows? People ask me whether I want to stay or to leave? I don’t know what I want. All I know is that I want to die.

But I’m tired of faking it. Faking that I’m living a luxurious life in an amazing country. Faking that I’m having a good time when in reality, I spend more time crying and wanting to die than I don’t. Faking that I’m capable when in reality, I am so weak.

I’m done “pretend(ing) that I’m something better than these broken parts; pretend(ing) I’m something other than this mess that I am. ‘Cause then I don’t have to look at it, and no one gets to look at it. No. No one can really see.”

(Please do listen the song simply for that portion [^] Please.)

So, here I am: extremely suicidal in a country where I feel like I don’t belong. Here I am: too exhausted to try and carve a me-shaped space into this place. Here I am: having an identity crisis of who is Kamea versus KayCee, and questioning why it feels as though there is such a huge discrepancy between the two. Here I am: resisting the everyday urge to self-harm, not even for my own sake. Here I am: seeing all of the mistakes I made and wishing so badly I can undo all the hurt and pain I caused. Here I am: wanting so badly to just disappear and never return. Here I am: wishing I didn’t have an overwhelming love for my friends.

Because if I didn’t, I’d be long gone.

But no. No, I had to care about people and have a love cultivated and nurtured for them and have a desire to witness their lives with all their accomplishments and failures. Witness how far they go even if I may not be a direct part of their lives anymore. How badly I want to see my friends (all of you) go off and do great things. Because I know that you all will because you all already have. Pride swells up in my chest as I see all that my friends have done and do. And I love all of you, overwhelmingly so.

But.

I wish… God. I wish I didn’t.

I wish my heart didn’t burst every time I saw someone I loved. I wish I didn’t look at people and think, “Yeah. This is okay. This is worth living for.”

I wish I didn’t have that.

Because then this would finally be over.

But no. I had to care about people and have people care about me. They reciprocated in ways I never thought they would. My friends have made such strong efforts and put their trust in me even long after I begged them not to because I’m as ephemeral as they come. I am fleeting, and all I will do is leave destruction in my wake.

As much as I wish I could disappear in a puff of smoke, my friends would probably see my leaving as detrimental: a destructive explosion rather than a raincloud fading away to let the sun shine.

My friends held their hands out to me and I made the mistake of reaching back. And now, they won’t release me any time soon.

How badly I wish they would. Because I am a bomb with the timer counting down. Because I’ve shown such horrible sides of myself and yet they love me through all of it. Why? Is it because I’m a project person and humans feel this integral need to help/fix people and they are using me to fulfill that craving? Or is it because they care about me? Wholly and unconditionally?

God, I don’t understand at all. I don’t deserve their love or their trust, but I have it. I don’t… understand.

I don’t know what to do. I used to say, “I’ll figure it out” rather than saying, “I don’t know.”

But… I’m at that point. I don’t know. Nor do I think I will ever.

I know that talking about this is what's keeping me alive. Having this conversation, even if people aren’t “ready” to have it, is important. Because I never EVER want anyone to feel the way that I do. But I know that there are. Some of them may even be reading this. My heart aches for you.

Talking about it is my lifeline right now. Sharing my voice and my story just in case someone may need to hear it.

But... I’m also tired of talking about it.

I hope... that people can still do it. Be a leader in pushing mental health awareness. Be a leader in showing that talking about suicide is not taboo. Be a leader in fighting against those who try to silence you, including yourself.

Even though I won’t anymore. I am tired. Exhausted. Done. It’s a waiting game for me now.

10 years since my depression manifested. 5 straight years of everyday, non-stop suicidal thoughts. Some people may see that as a short amount of time. Yeah. You're right. I'm weak. And tired. And over it.

I put in as much work as I can. I’ll just cheer from the sidelines from now on.

Good luck to all of you. To all of you who still have that drive to continue forward. I believe in you. And I know you will accomplish great things.

I wish you all the best.

i wrote the ending of this post the day that i managed to complete my plan of suicide, details and all: i was... just waiting for the energy.

it never came.

so, i’m... still here.

2 notes · View notes

healthierhappier-me · 6 years

Text

Get To Know Me Tag!!

I tag @gethealthystayfit , @tropical-fit , and @zaya-fit :) have fun!

1. What is your full name?

simona! [no need for last names on here lol]

2. What is your nickname?

i never really had a nickname, but my friends tease me and call me simon sometimes...

3. What is your zodiac sign?

pisces (march 5!)

4. What is your favorite book series?

probably the Eragon series or maybe Ranger’s Apprentice? i love fantasy a lot

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

sort of? i keep bouncing back and forth and can’t really decide

6. Who is your favorite author?

this is an impossible question and i will never be able to answer it sorry

7. What is your favorite radio station?

magic 106.7! i grew up on it :)

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything?

probably either lemon or lavender or the combination of the two

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful?

amazing? i’m not sure hahaha

10. What is your current favorite song?

probably “all time low” by jon bellion just because it’s been stuck in my head for days oops

11. What is your favorite word?

probably cascade or mountain, unsure

12. What was the last song you listened to?

“the nights” by avicii!

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS ALWAYS

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

anything disney/pixar, particularly “the emperor’s new groove” lol

15. Do you play video games?

i’ve played pokémon since i was 6 and don’t intend to stop just because i’m an ‘adult’ now :)

16. What is your biggest fear?

being forgotten for sure, as well as being less important to a person than they are to me

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion?

i’m quite a nurturing person, and i like that about myself

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion?

i overthink things that don’t need overthinking and it puts strain on some of my friendships sometimes

19. Do you like cats or dogs better?

this is another impossible question to which my answer will always be both!

20. What is your favorite season?

currently craving summer but i’d say fall is my all-time favorite

21. Are you in a relationship?

yes!

22. What is something you miss from your childhood?

not having to worry about deadlines!

23. Who is your best friend?

a girl i met in the 6th grade who i’ve talked to more or less every day since then

24. What is your eye color?

brown!

25. What is your hair color?

also brown! exciting stuff

26. Who is someone you love?

my inner circle of friends

27. Who is someone you trust?

my dad

28. Who is someone you think about often?

my boyfriend (long distance relationships will do that)

29. Are you currently excited about/for something?

spring break!! finally a second to relax

30. What is your biggest obsession?

probably buying far too much makeup...

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child?

scooby doo or the magic school bus!

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone?

a couple of my best guy friends

33. Are you superstitious?

nope!

34. Do you have any unusual phobias?

i’m terribly afraid of needles to a ridiculous extent

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

i love being in front of the camera but only if someone i like or trust is behind it!

36. What is your favorite hobby?

singing!

37. What was the last book you read?

my chemistry textbook :(

38. What was the last movie you watched?

big hero 6!!

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any?

i sing and play a bit of ukulele

40. What is your favorite animal?

either horses or sheep!

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow?

another impossible question! if i follow a blog it means i like it quite a lot

42. What superpower do you wish you had?

time travel/time control

43. When and where do you feel most at peace?

in the mountains!

44. What makes you smile?

other people’s success stories as well as my own

45. What sports do you play, if any?

i love to ski, and i used to swim competitively

46. What is your favorite drink?

tea! i have an embarrassing amount of tea honestly

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody?

the other day when i slipped a note under a friend’s door

48. Are you afraid of heights?

no, but i am afraid of falling

49. What is your biggest pet peeve?

loud chewers actually make me want to throw them out a window sometimes

50. Have you ever been to a concert?

yes, imagine dragons and pentatonix :)

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian?

no, though i do admire the lifestyle and what it stands for

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

a lawyer... don’t ask me why hahaha

53. What fictional world would you like to live in?

probably the world from eragon (blanking on the name) because uh.. dragons!!

54. What is something you worry about?

my future (financial, career, etc)

55. Are you scared of the dark?

only if it’s in an unfamiliar place

56. Do you like to sing?

yes! i sing quite a lot

57. Have you ever skipped school?

i’ve skipped classes, but not all of school

58. What is your favorite place on the planet?

the mountains in colorado, probably

59. Where would you like to live?

either the northeast (usa) or colorado

60. Do you have any pets?

i have two cats and have had quite a few fish over the years

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

it really depends on the day, either one

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

sunrises are more fulfilling to experience though i think sunsets are more vivid usually

63. Do you know how to drive?

yes, though i don’t have my license

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

earbuds!

65. Have you ever had braces?

yep, from 5th to 7th grade

66. What is your favorite genre of music?

literally anything in the ranges of pop/hip hop/alternative/edm/pretty much anything else

67. Who is your hero?

i don’t really have one, though i certainly look up to a lot of people

68. Do you read comic books?

i’ve read every single peanuts and calvin & hobbes comic :)

69. What makes you the most angry?

i really hate blatant ignorance and entitlement

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

i love flipping pages so definitely real book

71. What is your favorite subject in school?

psychology!

72. Do you have any siblings?

nope, just me and the cats

73. What was the last thing you bought?

a pair of grey suspenders for my singing competition

74. How tall are you?

5′10″ (yeah tall i know)

75. Can you cook?

yes i love to cook!

76. What are three things that you love?

my friends/family, my pets, and mountains

77. What are three things that you hate?

donald trump, bigotry, and loud chewers

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends?

it’s a pretty good mix i think

79. What is your sexual orientation?

i’m straight!

80. Where do you currently live?

i go to university in PA though that’s not where i’m from!

81. Who was the last person you texted?

my mom!

82. When was the last time you cried?

last night oops

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber?

jacksepticeye for sure

84. Do you like to take selfies?

all the time!

85. What is your favorite app?

probably MyPlate (food and exercise tracker)

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

it’s pretty good, i’m still financially dependent on them so it’s a big part of my life

87. What is your favorite foreign accent?

scottish accents are so cute honestly

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit?

switzerland!

89. What is your favorite number?

when i was little i really liked the number 18 for some reason so i guess 18?

90. Can you juggle?

no but i’ve always been jealous of people who could

91. Are you religious?

nope! but people can believe what they’d like of course :)

92. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting?

i’ve always been fascinated by outer space because we have absolutely no idea what’s going on out there

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

uhh sometimes i feel braver than other times, but overall i don’t think i’m particularly daring, no

94. Are you allergic to anything?

thankfully no!

95. Can you curl your tongue?

yes!

96. Can you wiggle your ears?

also yes!

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

i’ve been working on being less stubborn lately, but i still hate admitting i was wrong so idk

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach?

the beach! i love the ocean

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

don’t look at everything you have to do in one big scary lump, take it one very small step at a time and it’ll help not get as overwhelming

100. Are you a good liar?

unfortunately (or fortunately) yes

101. What is your Hogwarts House?

gryffindor! pottermore certified :)

102. Do you talk to yourself?

not really, but i get lost in thought quite a bit

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

i’m much more on the extroverted side of things but i do enjoy time to myself

104. Do you keep a journal/diary?

not really, i think this blog is the closest thing to that

105. Do you believe in second chances?

it really depends on the context and the specific situation imo

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?

try to track down the owner or turn it in!

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change?

again, depends on the situation; certain facets of personality are unchangeable in my opinion while more superficial mindsets can be changed

108. Are you ticklish?

extremely (it’s kind of a hazard actually)

109. Have you ever been on a plane?

oh yes many times!

110. Do you have any piercings?

i have basic ear piercings but i’d like cartilage piercings as well

111. What fictional character do you wish was real?

baymax! or teto from the ghibli movie nausicaa

112. Do you have any tattoos?

no, but i’d like a small one

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far?

choosing my particular university tbh

114. Do you believe in karma?

sort of? not to any huge extent

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts?

thankfully no i have fine vision

116. Do you want children?

someday, absolutely

117. Who is the smartest person you know?

probably my dad tbh

118. What is your most embarrassing memory?

the way i acted towards my ex right after the breakup. total regret and still cringing.

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

i try not to, but yes a few times

120. What color are most of you clothes?

black, blue, or olive green

121. Do you like adventures?

yes!

122. Have you ever been on TV?

i don’t think so?

123. How old are you?

18, about to turn 19 (in 5 days)

124. What is your favorite quote?

pretty much any quote from parks and recreation

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods?

strongly depends on my mood!

#personal #tagged #get to know me

5 notes · View notes

fundedjustice · 7 years

Text

The Vigneault's have no choice but to fight on

I cannot understand why this is happening to us. I really believed that by now, a rational and sensible county worker would step forward and admit that our case was handled poorly and stop this attack. Instead it get's more nightmarish daily as the rules and accusations keep changing.

Many friends have given generously and we are overwhelmed with appreciation. I am launching this new campaign because we will run out of money before we get to the hearing and the caseworker has unlimited resources at her disposal - next week she will file a motion to stop us from using THIS resource to ask for financial help. I am embarrassed that I must make this plea. Please pray that our house will sell quickly and we will then have sufficient resources to continue this fight.

They have accused me a saying disparaging things about the department. I have nothing but respect and appreciation for what CPS is attempting to do and their very good intention to protect children. We have worked with many wonderful workers from CPS whose professional demeanor and tireless efforts have blessed our family.

It is because of my respect for these good workers that it breaks my heart to see one caseworker drag down the good reputations of the many. Somebody needs to step forward and realize the damage that this caseworker is doing to our family. She knows every secret thing about us, she knows we are broke and broken and she is hitting at our most vulnerable weaknesses.

For those who are not familiar with our story, Teresa and I are under a hostile attack from Child Protective Services. One of our sons has severe Reactive Attachment Disorder. Many will say that RAD is a rare problem but NOT to a foster or adoptive family. These poor children have been rejected and neglected and are seriously damaged. Logic tells us that they just need to be loved in a family setting. Unfortunately that is the worst trigger for a child with RAD. These kids do well in an institution, a school or even any other family but in the family where he or she is loved, the child becomes an expert at manipulation.

A RAD child really believes that he will be rejected again and so he begins to punish the loving mom (the nurturing enemy) for all the times that his bio mom did not protect him. Our son was burned, beaten, starved and attacked by dogs before he was five years old. How could we turn away from the opportunity to give him a healthy family?

Unfortunately, he and his bio sister turned on my loving wife. They manipulated, triangulated and even physically hurt our pets, other children and us. We have had deputies, police, detectives, case workers, social workers in our house often. I continued to hold out hope that they would get better with love. They only got worse.

There comes a point where a family with RAD kids runs out of options. There are residential treatment centers where these kids can receive help. The average treatment lasts six to nine months and costs $210 a day. I wish I would have known that three years ago. I quit my job to keep Teresa and kids safe and have been living off my pension. That pension is now gone.

One of our social workers suggested that we contact CPS to see if the county could get behind a plan to get our son into residual treatment. A caseworker came to the house and interviewed each of our children and Teresa and me. I had read that in some cases when parents reach out to CPS that instead of help, CPS charges the parents with neglect and takes their children away. I brought this up to the caseworker who I believed was really trying to get help for our son. She put a paper in front of me that said, "Parents are no longer willing/capable to care for children." I protested, I told her that wasn't right, that those words are too harsh. I told her I was afraid someone will come in and take our kids away.

She looked at me and put her hands on her chest and said, "Bob, this is me, I'm the only on who sees this. No one is going to take your kids away. I know this sounds harsh but this is how we have to word it in order to get the process going." Assuming she meant the process of finding help for our son - I signed the paper.

Signing that paper gave her the ability to lie, deceive and devastate our family with impunity. A few days later she tricked us into coming to the county building for what we thought was a discussion of our son with RAD, instead they separated from our youngest sons and took them away.

With your help, our friends and church family, we were able to get a lawyer, he's a good lawyer with experience in this area. He was able to argue for us to get our youngest back but now we are facing a trial to protect all of our children. Not content to wait for the trial, the caseworker has harassed school teachers, doctors, therapists and manipulated information to make us look like the worst of parents. They have filed a contempt motion and created false narratives in order to nickel and dime us to death and it is working.

We need more money to keep fighting. The majority of CPS case workers we have known over the years are wonderful people. They are doing the Lord's work. There are too many children in the system and too few of these overworked workers to protect them. The tools at their disposal are inefficient. It reminds me of 17th century dentistry. Their instruments are blunt and do more damage than good. Every now and then a caseworker comes along who isn't so much interested in keeping children safe as taking control over a family. I've warned people about these types and I hate myself for falling into the trap of this one.

The system is broken. We need to draw attention to the weaknesses in CPS. It's also very important to educate the public about the great damage that RAD kids can wreak on a family. Our story is not unique, that is the saddest aspect of all of this. This has happened to others and it will keep happening.

If you can find it in your hearts we need money quickly. Three thousand dollars bought 12 hours of work and now we need another five thousand dollars to continue. If you can't give, then please pray for us. If you know any other adoptive families, ask if you can help them - watch their kids for a day or just let them hear an adult voice.

Thank you dear friends,

Bob and Teresa Vigneault

PS, if you are interested here is a story (one of many) that nearly mirrors exactly what we have been through and where we are at.

Funded Justice

from Blogger http://ift.tt/2xyMqgJ

0 notes

rexylafemme · 7 years

Text

i am just one small part of forever

i’ve been on this almost-secret trip back toward the center of myself. mostly in preparation for very large transformations to come in my life, things i’ve needed and wanted for a long time, for all my life. i’ve been motivated by the intention of seeking the actions and experiences that fit the greater patterns and cycles of my life & cycles of wider social, political, cultural shifts. what i/we need to move forward. it’s not a new trip, i’m just owning it out loud.

because there’s so much more to us and what we’re capable of than these bullshit systems, barriers, these realities we’ve created or have been complicit in maintaining. their limitations and violences are constructed. failures. there are always other options, other ways. the answer to the question of “how?” frequently feeling elusive. or change feeling hopeless, impossible. and, yet, everything changes all the time. shifts in consciousness happen all the time, sometimes even driven by a generative hopelessness. it’s about harnessing that power, being able to come together, do something with it. it feels so physical. as in, of physics. energetic. so all about bonding and force. that i feel a pull toward the destiny of revolution, collective love/rage, creation in my body, that it feels deeper than my body, deeper than psyche. that those are the essential things, the real driving forces, the real truths, the real imperatives. i can’t feel this clarity all the time. but that we’ve had it once, or we’ve had it before, i can feel it in my circuitry. or, we have it all the time in small ways, in fleeting moments. people come together all the time, people force cultural shifts, people create all the time, people learn, people fight back all the time, people build. always have & when you trace those lines through the threads of time, there’s this overwhelming rush—a feeling of empowerment and potential. a feeling to keep going. the clarified knowledge that scarcity is a lie. & if we weren’t powerful, they wouldn’t want us dead or broken. self-fulfilling prophesies aid in perceiving only what we expect to see. the world will speak to us in the language that we provide.

been thinking a lot about my contributions in relation to all of this, my responsibilities to myself, others, my communities. i’ve been reflecting on the ways my sense of vocation and obligation are totally informed by my own positionality, which of course, has everything to do with the privileges i do and don’t have. that i have a lot of work to do, a lot of learning. that i have to show up and also be shown up for. about giving and receiving support, resources. from each, to each.

thinking about how i’ve had a hard time prioritizing my own needs in the past, how i’ve been even ashamed to tend to my needs, or to ask for anything. thinking it was selfish. but that’s what i was taught to do. poor/working class/white/catholic/femininity. how i did, at times, surround myself with people who required that i sublimate myself. or who just didn’t care. how it all has everything to do with the aforementioned bullshit systems. including my family system. how scarcity and power informed it. as well as abundance, nurturing, sharing. how we pass along treasures and trash, back and forth, down the line. help!

part of the solution to meeting personal and collective needs being that practices of care and healing are constellatory, not singular. how my own healing is its own line intersecting with all the entangled individual lines of healing that make up that massive rubberband ball of collective struggle. if spirit is manifest in individual parts that get to grow and evolve and understand independently, they render the whole infinitely greater in their reconciliation. let’s go!!!! #ready

i’ve been thinking about my talents, my skills, what i have. how to channel everything i’m good at, how to put everything to good use, how to expand on sharing and giving. all of it. that this is something i’ve always been concerned with. i’ve always been able to give outwardly. but giving to myself and receiving have always been a struggle. & that’s a big deal. getting into why is too deep, but ultimately i need to honor myself and what i have to offer; i need to be generous with myself. i think of how much i admire the people i care about, how much i wanna be the cheerleader to their lives, to support them and reflect how amazing they are back to them. and how i’m working on having that relationship with myself. how it’s so much about learning how to be your own friend. the ultimate task.

and what it means to be your own friend, to love yourself, is the same as what we should strive for with anyone else in our lives. we need the courage to connect with ourselves—all our parts. we need to be cautious and patient with the process. to be willing to make mistakes, to be vulnerable. willing to be understanding. willing to be radically and deeply honest. willing to look at things we don’t want to see. willing to work with aspects of ourselves we don’t like. willing to surrender, to give in. willing to be open. willing to stand up. willing to take risks. willing to receive criticism graciously. willing to part with judgment. willing to part with a lot of things. willing to accept loss & change. willing to accept joy & love & newness. all the things that come naturally to us before we learn otherwise & before we get hurt, defensive. that we must master these things with ourselves and with everyone.

time doesn’t heal wounds, we do.

it sounds cheesy, but the experience of feeling like you were made to do something can be so real. we delude ourselves into thinking that destiny is tied up with inevitability, when in reality, it’s all about choice.

in my interview at the neighborhood playhouse conservatory for acting, the executive director asked, “why do you want this?” “because i want to fall apart, i want to break myself open. i’ve wanted this so much for my whole life and i’m terrified. and that’s exactly why i need to do it. i’m dying to do it.””dying?!” she said, “that’s great!”

i remember when i gave up on that dream, i remember when i got quiet, when i got small. listening to the wrong lessons: shrink, disappear, don’t move, don’t speak, don’t make waves, don’t love or own yourself. i turned inward and couldn’t stop reading, couldn’t’ stop writing. i was always writing. at times i couldn’t be alone enough, but i was part of a big family in new york city where there is no such thing as alone, no such thing as privacy. so, i created a space of aloneness in public space: at school, at home, on the street. in myself. an interior world, an ongoing conversation. i was other people in that world, as i chose. characters from movies, tv shows, books. strong-willed femmes with storied pasts, flawed and reaching, or closed. madame rose and gypsy rose lee. it wasn’t escape, it was immersion. into parallel experiences of feeling: my own and those of characters i admired. this & writing saved my life. & music & drawing.

so much of my exploration of self lately is concerning itself with shame, fear, anxiety. all the ugly parts, all the broken feelings. and when i just allow myself the space to sit with what’s broken, it’s like the shards are puzzle pieces and i wind up putting shit together, tracing the feeling back in time to influences, tracing the influences to lineage. this tapestry of brokenness. and then i get overwhelmed, i get angry because the shame and fear are someone else’s, instilled in me and echoing through the tides of my life from the tides of other lives. i find myself looking for the first moments i internalized them & realizing that’s the wrong question: when.

when i was a kid i spent my days listening to the same records, watching the same movies obsessively, gobbling guzzling and focused. learning every line, every gesture, every sigh. committing every sound to memory. & i sang & i danced wherever i went. & i dressed up, & i put on my mom and aunts’ makeup, i used to sit on the closed toilet mesmerized as i watched my uncles shave their faces. i used to also revel in the process of shaving legs. the foam and the pink razor and the pink cloth robe. and at age 5, someone let me outta their sight for 2 minutes, and i cut myself “shaving” my face, and on another occasion, i cut myself “shaving” my legs. & i did get in trouble, but also we all laughed about it. & i begged my aunts, uncles, cousins to pretend with me. & i was a freak, i was 7-years-old & obsessed with susan sarandon (from jackson heights, too!). pretending to be her character from bull durham. haha, so inappropriate and strange. i wanted to be an adult so bad & i was called old soul and wise. & my aunt, the movie buff/cinephile, would indulge me and watch all the movies with me. but i was a kid and some experiences were too much. the movies and otherwise.

but, too, i think about how my experiences, traumas even, give me a range of depth and feeling to work with when it comes to acting and art. that what was always so inspiring for me from film/theatre was that ability to create a space where people connect to each others’ feelings and experiences in this really palpable way. that invisible stuff: not just sight & sound, but another sense. that draws you into a life, or a projection of one. a friend of mine joked, “i don’t trust actors. don’t you have to be a sociopath to be one?” “no!! you need to be an empath, i think!” to genuinely engage with a character’s experiences and truthfully represent them. i think the form has so much revolutionary, transformative potential in that way. representation is powerful. to provoke people to feel is powerful. to provoke people to remember or know something they didn’t is powerful. it’s challenging, too.

and expanding on that, just… what viola davis said in her oscar acceptance speech:

there’s one place where all the people with the greatest potential are gathered and that’s the graveyard. people ask me all the time ‘ what kind of stories do you wanna tell, viola?’ and i say, ‘exhume those bodies. exhume those stories. the stories of the people who dreamed. big. and never saw those dreams to fruition. people who fell in love and lost. i became an artist, and thank god i did, because we are the only profession that celebrates what it means to live a life.”

WATCH THE WHOLE SPEECH AND BE MOVED

and as surrounded as i’ve been in my own life by death, by loss, bullshit systems & all they reap in our constellated lives, as much time as i spend in the graveyard myself, i remember what always drew me back to creativity was that: life. wanting to hold onto it, wanting to know what it was all about, wanting to share it, to choose it, wanting to know people. being so alternately enchanted and horrified by what we were capable of— magic & havoc. the triangulation between, magic, havoc, intimacy. ugh, life. even tho we would come to lose it, life, and each other.

i wonder what it means to want to connect to havoc, to want to represent it. but, sometimes we just want to play evil. i think that’s the fear in me. it’s what i’m afraid of, for sure: exposure, letting it out. driving the impulse to hide. but, then, the opposing desire: to be seen, to release. that impulse to show what you obscure, the snarling parts. the things you keep to yourself. your other powers.

i’ve been so attached to my shadows, i think, while not fully understanding where they were cast from. and how shadow is just a matter of perspective, what point you’re looking from. and nostalgia is a yearning for an old [sense of] home, the past, but when the sun’s ahead of you and you’re looking backward into night, all you see is shadow. blue. not that night isn’t beautiful in its way, or without its virtues. but it’s its own point of perspective, and it isn’t the only one.

#shadows #shadow self #theatre #art #healing #collective liberation #change #death #empathy #friendship #self-love #ghosts

0 notes