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#I worry that I'm a burden on everyone.
birdmenmanga · 1 year
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hope everybody can understand!! feeling that immense loneliness despite the closeness tonight!!
#just thinking thoughts...#I don't know.#there's so much love but it's so lonely out there.#I can't express myself properly in chinese...#I worry that I'm a burden on everyone.#That they have to explain everything to me because my vocabulary isn't good....#that the motorcycle guy has to take me home every night...#surely he must not want to be tied down to me. it's got to be a pain.#I don't know. I think I'm rejecting everyone's kindness because I feel bad.#I was offered a jacket when I left with him at 3 AM.#but I felt like I couldn't take it you know. I didn't feel clean enough. and I didn't feel close enough to her.#but maybe it was rude of me not to take it.#I tell myself that I love taking people home and such. but it's soooo hard for me to believe that other people might also feel that way#I think I'm going to have to get him flowers next week. the guilt is killing me#like legitimately. it's killing me. I'm sorry about me. are we friends? are we even friends yet?#even if we are I don't think he likes me enough to really be enjoying it. I don't know.#I asked him if it was okay to message him even if there wasn't anything. and he said it was fine. but it's not like he could have said no.#sorry for cornering you. I didn't think about it.#sighhhh sometimes it feels like... oh why bother making friends when. this is all such a temporary thing.#when I'm going to be gone in a year.#but I'm going to die like this. I need someone to hold my hand. I need someone to give me a hug. I'm going to cry like this.
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hurglewurm · 2 years
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g et. steaemd
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lisbonsteresa · 1 year
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spiraling again
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murobrown · 5 months
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#i just got back to my place after holidays and I'm feeling so homesick#i want my family closer to me#i want to see them more often and for longer time#and I hate that whenever I come home i have to split my time between mom and dad#and now my dad os going through something and it's breaking my heart#because he's always the funny and silly one...always happy and now he reminds me of himself when he was divorcing my mom#i am so grateful that I spent new year's with him and that he wasn't alone#i even miss his cigarette smoke infused apartment#and my mom's weird cooking and her her candles and essential oils#and I wish my brother would appreciate all this more and not see us as a burden#i love him but I want him to grow up finally#and today before I left everyone hugged me a little tighter and a little longer#and now it's making me cry because I won't feel a human touch like that until next time I get home and that will be easter#those holidays went too fast and I want at least one more week like that#and it's all about those mundane things that make my heart beat faster#like when I went grocery shopping with my dad on new year's#or when I was just sitting and watching my mom cook#and I miss my cat so fucking bad#I'm so happy he spent another year with us#i don't even want to think about it but each year I get worried that it's his last Christmas with us because he's getting so old#and now I'm here alone and I love it that I can do my own thing and I don't share my apartment with anyone#but I just want them a little closer#i don't like how limited is my time with my own family#I'm super emotional tonight#I know it will pass in few days but today the feelings are super raw#because for more than a week I was never alone and always surrounded by love and my favourite people on Earth#and I went to being totally alone right now#i should go to sleep because I'm exhausted and I'm waking up at five tomorrow#guys...i hope you all had wonderful holidays and i wish each of you all the absolute best in 2024!
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torgawl · 8 months
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another day being sad over no one really caring about childe's well being after he disappeared in the fortress of meropide. the fatui only cared about using the situation for their own interests and diplomatic purposes, the people at the fortress obviously didn't really give a fuck since they didn't even know him personally and even traveller and paimon who displayed actual concern and are his friends didn't really have any real urgency (i know they had to be clever executing their mission but still)?! childe's little group of subordinates that he managed to gather in his days at the fortress, who barely even knew him, were actually the most concerned people and the only ones that seemed to care about his disappearance, standing loyal and putting efforts into awaiting his return. i think the scene that shocked me the most was arlecchino asking the traveller if the way she replied to childe's sister seemed okay. not because the scene is shocking per se - and it's understandable why the fatui would hide the situation from them since it's also for their own sake - but because you realise at that moment that childe doesn't even have the luxury of having his loved ones' worry. that they have no hint of an idea that childe is in danger and might not come back. and you inevitably question yourself how trully lonely his path is.
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spade-club · 1 year
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I... hate what my life has become. I am so tired. I am spending the first bit of free time without my partner ive had in weeks sitting here being upset about them instead of being able to enjoy my freedom from them because I know this wont last forever. It'll hardly last two more hours. And I still wont have the fucking conversation with them when they come home because chances are I wont be here and no one else will. That or they'll come home in a mood and I wont want to make shit worse. Its just... unending. All I want to do is make ground rules for if they want to talk to other people & let them know that it did upset me that they went off and did things before the rules were clear with two different people without even telling me. One of those people being their roommate.. I guess ex roommate now. They moved in to our house because their old roommate, after sleeping with them many times, was being a huge fucking dick and I decided to be their safe haven from him??? As if like, them making bad decisions with him wasnt the whole problem right now anyways. Not my problem to fix, but here I am living with them and being miserable all the time now because of it. Like. Yeah, move in with me and my twin bed knowing full well you have no intention of sleeping anywhere else and I have complained to you before, many times, about how hard it is for me to sleep well with you in such a small bed. And then they get mad at me if I fall asleep on the couch. Theres. No. Winning. And I just have to endure this. As if its not my fucking life too. I was here all the time before this. But now I can hardly stand to be around anymore. It's just. Exhausting.
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champion-of-aurene · 10 months
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Just did my first ever raid today!! :D Joined a training run with my gf that my guild was running for Wing 1 and it was a ton of fun! My gf enjoyed it as well and said that it was more fun and less rough than the WoW raids she did years ago, which was positive to hear ^^ The story that followed the raid was also pretty interesting and now I'm quite curious to continue it with Wing 2 sometime c:
I've honestly been pretty nervous about trying raiding even though I've been wanting to for quite a while but overall I'd say this was a good first experience! My only real complaints were that it was hard to figure out the right balance between the discord voice chat and the in-game voiced dialogue (I love the dialogue in this game so I wanted to be able to hear it) to be able to hear both of them well enough, and also there were a couple parts between bosses that I felt we went through a bit faster than I would've liked since I was hoping to explore a little more during the run, but I was at least able to explore after the raid and it thankfully felt like it would still make sense story-wise for my character/commander to explore/investigate mostly after the raid rather than only during. I might ask my guild if we can go a little slower during the between boss sections if we do raid training for other wings (if I can muster the courage to ask), but overall my guild was great to run with and I'm really happy I was able to join ^^
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shoekinn · 2 years
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talking in the tags 💯
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It's so hard to have to cram all the things in your head without it spilling out. The internal filing cabinets slapped full, overflowing, the desks messy, the boxes askew. My brain is in over drive. Work, cosmetology school, MBA...it's rinse and repeat 7 days a week. No break. No down time. Just constantly going. I'm broken down. I'm burnt out and it's had just enhance my depression and body dysmorphia to an all time high. I've projected to the one person I even talk to about anything and now I can't even say anything to that person because it's effecting them and I feel like I'm one word away from losing them in my life. I feel like such a shit and toxic person. I want it all to stop. I just feel so fucking alone. I don't have the capacity any more for any of this shit. I'm broken down. I'm tired.
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factual-fantasy · 19 days
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Grimace has a lot of internal struggles that he deals with.. primarily his sense of worth and belonging..
This comes from the fact that he loves his friends very dearly, and he wants only the very best for them.. Which in turn makes him analyze himself and whether or not he's good enough for them.. if he's worthy to be a part of this great team.
He tries his best to make them laugh. To be strong and protect them. To give them all a shoulder to cry on when they are sad.. he just wants to fill their lives with joy. Just as they have done for him.
Though sometimes he falls short. Someone needed advice and he didn't know what to say.. or he wasn't strong enough and someone got hurt. When this happens Grimace takes it very hard..
Of course Grimace never tells the others about any of this. The last thing he wants to do is burden his wonderful friends with all his problems.. Instead when he gets overwhelmed by these feelings, Grimace will hide away in the shadows. That way not even Gloria can sense his distress as he tries to cool off on his own.
In this particular drawing, I imagined that Grimace left while everyone was sleeping to work through his feelings. But this time he was so distressed that Gloria could sense him through the shadows.
She woke up Sylvester and sent him after Grimace. He wouldn't usually show himself during times like these.. but Sylvester was worried about him so.. he came out.
Sylvester tried to comfort him with his ribbons auras, and it helped calm his nerves some.. V kept asking what was wrong but Grimace refused to tell him. "I'm just stressed.." "About what?" "..nothing.."
He would eventually simmer down and they'd return to the group. But Grim would never tell anyone what was wrong. Even days later. He just keeps all these feelings to himself, not wanting to burden his friends.. 💔
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toruslvt · 3 months
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 THE BEAST
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⋆ wriothesley + fem!reader
( girl u in jail what did you doooo? /j it's not mentioned you probably stole a fonta idk )
⋆ mdni. heat cycles, knotting, praising, he fucks u hard rip that pussy. pet names: good girl, baby. reposting the fic I'm most proud of.
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"you shouldn't be here"
"if you hate me that bad then…"
there's a chuckle resonating through the walls, metal rings around fingerless gloves clicking against the metal railing as the Duke makes his way down the stairs and next to you.
still at your side the man was a couple inches taller than yourself, bringing a slight feeling of nervousness around your body, or perhaps it was a natural response to the 'tiny' crush you had on him.
"your imprisonment is over, you're free to leave this place" Wriothesley mentions, arms crossed, eyebrows furrowing with a hint of scolding in his words to which you only shrug in return.
"i like to help Sigewinne in the infirmary" that wasn't a complete lie, but part of the reason for your continuous presence in such a place was due to the dark haired man currently standing next to you, whose presence was enough to get your knees weak and heart pumping wildly.
"mhm, I don't believe you" he mentions dully, fingers rubbing on the bridge of his nose yet his lips held a small smile on them, "I just wanted you to know I'll be out for a couple of days, a week at max"
"what?" you let out a high pitched sound, even though his erratic schedule wasn't news for anyone around, a week was far longer than any of his other absences.
"don't worry, Clorinde will drop by to check everything is in order" you stiff a huff, if anything, you weren't to admit the prison was the least of your worries.
"take care" was the only thing you managed to say. his hand felt heavy on your shoulder once he replied with a soft "you too"
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a day passed and you already felt as if your 'not' lover left for war. the fortress remained the same as well as your usual activities at the infirmary, but the emptiness Wriothesley left alongside the usual meetings for tea and having lunch at the cafeteria started to burden.
but, on the other hand, a sense of pride bloomed in your chest since many of the guards went to find you and ask for advice regarding the fortress, quoting to their own sentences, you were the one his grace trusted the most.
"I am very sorry to bother you miss" one of the man said, "but since the Duke is out and miss Clorinde is still left to come back we decided it will be the best if you knew beforehand" strange rumors started to raise ever since Wriothesley left, some kind of 'beast' was heard from one of the pipes, and even though many guards already searched for clues, nothing was found.
"it's fine" you sighed, "please warn everyone to stay away from that place, at least until this issue gets fixed.
"it will be alright" Sigewinne smiles your way, trying to get your nerves on check while bandaging a man's scratched forearm, a match just took place due to the sudden influx of injured men, luckily no one was in mortal danger, but it was enough to keep you busy until your work hour was over.
but you should have expected that what the guard mentioned earlier was to keep you awake all night, to drag you out of bed and sneak past whoever was on patrol duty that night.
the mentioned zone was clear, no guards or prisoners looking for a challenge with an unknown danger, but especially, no sound besides the occasional water drop hitting a puddle on the floor.
another thing was the cool and smooth metal panels covering the walls, where your fingers slid trying to find any clue, knuckles hitting the material and ear pressed to find any possible hollow area.
and for what it felt like an eternity later, you heard a soft growl from behind the wall, right where your ear was pressed against.
you gasped by consequence, failing to stiff the sound so whatever was on the other side didn't hear you.
apparently, it did, since the growling stopped completely at the same time your back turned to flee and warn anyone nearby, as soon as your foot took a step, a hand covered your mouth and dragged you into some kind of dim lighted room before the door closed right in front of you, it was rough and calloused, and you could've had recognized it in the spot if it weren't because of the fear surrounding your whole body and freezing you in place.
"calm down" a voice rasps in your ear, an incredible mix of emotions running through your body in just a couple of seconds, starting with confusion since you were certain that was Wriothesley 's voice, passing to worry as to why is he in such place and lastly, flustering at the feeling of something poking on your lower back, his arms and chest warm and bare against your body.
"Wriothesley…" you pant once his hand leaves your mouth, "what is going on?"
he exhales heavily, letting you free from his embrace way too quickly for your liking, but allowing your eyes to take in his scar covered chest, drops of sweat dripping down his forehead and dampening the dark fabric of his half buttoned pants, and oh… he was hard. painfully you might add with how his trousers seemed to be about to burst.
"I'm sorry, I should have told you sooner" he starts and you think it should be you apologizing for thinking lewdly of him, "but you have to go"
"what?"
"it's not safe for you to be here" the man grits his teeth, backing up until the back of his knees touch a bed you failed to notice before, sitting on it with no care while his hands are in fists, tight enough to turn his knuckles white.
the threatening growl from man makes you flinch slightly, yet that doesn't stop you from taking a step closer, bared teeth with a single fang peeking from his bottom lip that buries in the lower until a single bead of blood pops up.
"tell me what's going on" you whisper in a slightly demanding tone, your relationship was close enough to mess and joke around, but watching him in this situation, and that he was so hesitant to speak broke your heart.
"i—" he swallows hard when you're close enough to smell your scent, a brief and almost imperceptible hint of arousal clouding his brain and stealing a hiss against his will.
unaware of the situation, thinking Wriothesley is in serious pain, you decide to rest a hand at the top of his shoulder, a friendly motion he often did with you but now, he just wanted to pull you by that hand and kiss you until you ran out of breath.
"I..." he starts again, gently holding your wrist and bringing it up to his mouth, smiling when you shiver visibly, "I go through heats, once every a couple of months"
"oh"
he chuckles, warm and genuine, raising his head to observe your expression, leaving you with shaky knees, his bright blue eyes a tone darker, hair damp and messy, inviting you to thread your fingers on it and kiss him stupid.
"that's why you're not safe here" the Duke whispers, still with his lips against your growing pulse, "I've been dying to rip your clothes off ever since I saw you, now it feels like I'd definitely die if I don't touch you in the next five minutes"
you gasp, surprised and turned on before replying, "make it one" and in the blink of an eye you're kissing him, hard and desperate while your body melts against his, pliantly letting him drag you down and sit you in his strong thigh where you're quick to grinding against, sloppily like the kisses you share.
"fuck" he growls and you moan, allowing his tongue to slip past your mouth while his thumbs press tight on your jaw, opening for a better reach while you can only take it and claw onto his nape.
his knee bucks up in a steady rhythm, one of his hands sneaking below your skirt, all the way up from your bare thighs to your soaked panties, "you're wet, I can smell it"
a pained moan escapes your lips, face burning in embarrassment but the look on his face is rewarding enough, pupils blown out, lips red and puffy letting out breathy exhalations. you barely get enough time to observe him before your eyes shut unconsciously at the feeling of a pair of rough fingers coming in contact with your clit through the flimsy underwear fabric.
"can I… please…?"
"yeah" you gasp, earning a whine from the man right onto your neck where he's nibbling, quickly getting rid of your skirt and half ripping your panties in the process, his pants get undone next, enough to fit his cock between your dripping folds flicking your clit with the engorged cockhead before pressing into your tight cunt.
he's big, bigger than you had imagined during sleepless nights of you touching yourself, but you're incredibly wet and doing your absolute best in taking a fat cock.
"oh fuck…!" you mewl, pressing your chin to the side of his head while Wriothesley continues to bite on your shoulder, careful not to pierce the skin as his hands find place on your hips, busy pushing your body down to take him whole.
"take it" he exhales, "I know you can take it, baby" and you whimper at the praise, thighs shaking from the stretch. his breath is hot against your collarbone, hips rolling forward that causes his cock to rub against the firm spot inside your cunt that leaves you limp, tugging your shirt from above your head so his hands freely get to palm at your tits once he's fully bottomed out, giving you a moment to adjust while he plays with your nipples.
"there we go" Wriothesley pants, hips snapping forward to fuck you deep, clutching onto the back of your head next to press his mouth against yours, bouncing your body up and down his cock in increasing speed.
"shit, shit!" Wriothesley groans, hips stuttering before stopping almost completely in what felt an attempt of self control, his tip coating your insides with immense amounts of precum, making you wonder just how much cum he actually held in those heavy balls that smacked against your ass in loud papping sounds.
"Wrio, you don't have to hold back" you whine through bitten lips, cupping his cheeks between your hands. and the moment where Wriothesley snaps will get forever burnt in your brain, starting from the deep rumbling groan, the twitch of his cock messily ruining your inside with hard precise thrusts, to the sudden movement of your whole body where he pins you down in bed, face down against the pillow with his hand pushing between your shoulder blades, ass up, face down while he successfully mounts you from behind.
his fat cock glides easily past your tight entrance, soaked in slick at the same time his thumb finds a place between your teeth, rubbing on your tongue the tangy taste of your slick.
"stay still" he grunts, dropping his forehead down between your shoulder blades while feeding your pussy the rest of his cock, "you smell so fucking good" Wriothesley is a mess of grunts and hisses, spreading out your ass cheeks to fit in properly inside your tight cunt, loving how the squelching sound comes louder in this position.
"too deep!" you scream, thighs shaking from the forcefully stretch of your walls around his cock.
"it's okay" he slurs, fingers pressing on your forehead to push you head up and kiss your temple, yet his hips continue to piston inside of you, dragging in your body with his on top of the mattress, his knees on each side of your thighs to perfectly fuck into you, driving his tip almost at your cervix with each thrust, "I got you, you're fine"
"Wrio" you sob, "feels so good"
"I know, baby, in know" he chokes out, eyes closed shut while pants escape freely between skin slapping, "you take it so good, my good girl, all mine"
"o-oh!" you whine, "Wrio please, you're so big, oh my god"
"don't say that" he grits, hips stuttering and pushing onto your waist so he gets to reach in much deeper than before, "I'm going to come soon"
"ngh" you moan, toes curling and pussy clenching.
"can I knot you?"
"yes" you reply way too quickly, digging your nails onto the sheets, pillow drenched from sweat and tears, "yes, please"
Wriothesley moans like a wounded animal, fucking you like one too with his hands on your head, pushing you down as if to submit you to him.
you can feel him twitching again, cunt fluttering in sync, clenching and begging to be filled with a scream of your own while you cum all over his cock, gasping loudly when his knot begins to push past your tight entrance.
"W-Wrio—" you sob.
"yes, I'm here, it's alright you can take it" he thumbs your clit, helping you ride out your high while his knot gets snuggled inside your cunt, digging his nails on the skin of your thighs while rutting into you, long and thick spurts of cum coating your walls.
"fuckin' perfect pussy, taking all of my cum" he groans, panting loudly and jerking his hips until every single drop of cum is stuffing your hole.
"are you alright?" he asks once you've calmed down, turning your body around to let you cuddle against his broad chest.
"yeah" you sniffle, overwhelmed.
"I forgot to ask how did you find me" the man grins, rubbing his cheek against the top of your head.
"people heard you growling like a beast" you sniffle again.
"... what?"
and you should have told him earlier, since you were certain now people might think that said beast was just some horny dog.
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medicinemane · 2 years
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Every time I'm honest about how I feel, which is very bad and I want to die, it's always just "get help, get help, get professional help"
I did, for many years. I did more to fix my life while not in therapy, not because therapy is bad and I don't need it, but because after I'd stopped going to therapy cause Rob was the wrong fit for me, that happened to be the point where enough movement happened in my life to make change possible in a way it wasn't while I was in therapy
Rob I think could be useful to me now, but I no longer have feasible access to him or anyone else. Why is me going it alone without professional help not good enough? Why is me wanting to die everyday, but never doing more than preparing for it not good enough? Why is all my work on myself and my situation not good enough, and I have to do it alone?
Why is it always "get help" and never "good job"? (not literally, some of you are supportive but like... stuff doesn't internalize, but the ratio of just being told "I hope you get some help" to like "you did good on this" is way closer to one to one than I'd like)
I'm just tired. I'm just very very tired. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to wake up, everything enjoyable is very fleeting for me and hardly worth the price of continued existence... yet I continue to exist as much as I don't want to... why can't that be good enough for people?
Why has it always been people being like "I hate seeing you depressed... which is why I won't be friends with you anymore, so I don't have to see it"? Don't know how to help? Might I recommend trying seeing me outside of school like even once so I have a chance at company?
To be clear, I like the people here. The people I'm friends with are much better friends than people I've had in the past, and I think people over all do care, but I've noticed that people just in general are very bad at helping others even when they do care
The people saying I should get help are saying it because they care, but like... I've asked, I've laid it out plainly so many times on here in plain language. I've said exactly what the problem is over and over and over and over and over
I only have the evidence in my head to work with. I know it has been collected through a warped lens, but in absence of any other evidence it's what I have. When I only hear how worthless and useless I am, how am I meaningfully meant to counter that. When it's years after years after years of my grandma going up against and occasional "neat" on some minecraft build I do, how I am supposed to counter it?
This isn't to blame, this... I want to lash out, I'm always so bitter and I often just want to be hurtful, but I'm trying to choose my words very objectively and I know that the people I'm most likely to hurt are the people who care the most and I like the best, who really are trying to help and have done more than most
This is just me trying to be totally plain. This is me trying to show things exactly as they are. I feel like I still won't be heard, because no matter how plain I've ever made myself it always seems to go astray... but here it is
No one here will fix me. I don't even know if I can be fixed, but if I can't it won't happen overnight, and it's also no one's job to fix me
But I also don't really want to be fixed. I want to be allowed to exist and maybe get some support. I'm so tired of everyone just wanting me to be better and not accepting that I'm not
I want to be back in therapy, but there's barriers I've said over and over, and unless you can move those barriers for me I'd like therapy or any kind of professional help to be dropped. I'm slowly working towards getting even that figured out, but can we just leave it
But it's also I think any one of my therapist would agree that it's not even really professional help I need. Therapy doesn't fix years and years of isolation, a whole life of isolation. I've regularly said that the pandemic didn't effect me cause for me it was all just another day and I didn't even notice. That should tell you that there's something very very wrong with my situation
I don't want people feeling guilty, that just makes me have to try and help them. I don't want people to... to feel like they have to do something to stop me from being broken. I just... I just want to be honest about how I'm doing and have people sit with me and treat me like that's ok instead of leaving and getting upset which just lets me change things to being about them (because I will always try to shift it to being about someone else)
I'm so close to making things work. I don't want professional help, I don't want meds, I want to accommodate myself. I've got the trailer emptied, I've almost got the first wave of cleaning done, why isn't any of this enough to make anyone trust me?
Why is it never anyone wanting to help me figure out why I get stuck when I try to clean the room I'm working on and figuring out how to fix that? Why is it always just that I should take meds that'll make it work? I don't want that, I want the tools that are almost in reach to do things my way. Why can no one ever respect my personal decisions when I'm always happy for people on meds that they have something that's working for them?
Why can't I get the respect for my choices that I try to give to others?
...what would it take to get treated the way I try to treat others?
#mm tag so i can find things later#this is all very long and personal and hopefully people didn't bother reading it#I'm tired... I'm gonna go take a shower maybe#I'm just... I'm just tired#and I don't really want to like... I don't know#I could say I wish people were better with communicating with me; but then I worry the people I'm fine with how we communicate#will think that I'm talking about them and feel bad#and meanwhile the people I do mean; I wish that we could talk it over and figure out ways to do things that work for both of us#because I like them very much and don't want anyone feeling guilty... I just want to be able to understand things#and... I'm just tired of always always always feeling like trying to get my needs met is such a burden on people#some in one way; other in another; but always a burden#and I'm tired of almost every time I just try to talk people trying to tell me what I need to do differently#I can't open my mouth without either total silence or people telling me ways I can get better#why do I have to get better? and more so... why do I have to do it right now?#why isn't everything I've done to get better enough to give me a chance to just exist around people?#one of the best times in my life was when I almost drowned and for one night on that trip I just got to sleep in a room#where just for a bit my teachers and classmates cared about me and I just got to exist and rest in company#...and that was the end of that forever more#I don't know...#I'm not perfect; not at all; but I'm such a broken people pleaser that I'm always always trying to take everyone's feeling into account#and I just wish... I just wish I got returned a fraction of it#and I wish... I wish I could just say stuff like this without worrying that I'm hurting people's feelings by making them feel bad#making them feel like they're not being good enough for me and it's like that's not the point#I like you and you're doing fine#and I'm just very drained a lot of the time#so it's not like... I don't know#...I really don't know#just take care and look after yourself and like...#don't feel like I'm so broken that you can't share how you're doing with me because it's taking away from me#and... don't make me feel like I'm laying down 1000 rules that force everyone to walk on eggshells
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Okay so thought would Astarion just be uber happy if tav is just clinging to him and is like let me stay here where it is safe for just a little longer pleaseee
I think I'm feeling the energy. And it's an actual drabble instead of a novel! Cw: In-game references, spoilers, but this is just some fluffy fluff fluff.
~
When Astarion made the decision to seduce you, it had been based in cold rationality. In the short time he had known you, you had proven to be intelligent, capable, attractive enough for sex to not feel like a total burden, and extremely hard to kill. Using a falsified relationship to wrap you around his finger was the easy choice for survival. And it did work, with varying results.
Because you provided many, many complications. Like the unfortunate reality that Astarion quickly had grown sincerely fond of you. Not only were you impressively competent, you were fun. Hilariously bitchy in a way that never failed to make him laugh. But you were still kind, kind in a meaningful way that Astarion was simply not used to.
It had felt like a shock when you were so adamant about his right to be his own person. When you didn't make him bite that drow cretin he was struck with the realization that you actually cared about him. What that thing had been offering in return would no doubt have been useful to your journey, but you didn't even give it a second thought. And Astarion wouldn't soon forget how you saying, "He said no," with so much conviction had sent a shiver up his spine.
Perhaps the whole event sent him into a tailspin that ended with him admitting his, in-hindsight, horrible plan, but it had been worth it in the end. Gods knows why, but you didn't abandon him when he revealed the truth. You just listened. You listened and opened up your mind for him to see just how much you cared for him. A care he perhaps didn't deserve, but one he would take. Even if he had no idea what the two of you were doing anymore.
But he did know that something shifted in your relationship after that, the birth of a new kind of trust. Apparently, Astarion hadn't been the only one holding back.
Because seemingly overnight, you got a lot more touchy. A facet of yourself that he really had not seen coming. Not sexually, no. You had been nothing but a dream when it came to understanding the hang-ups he had with that particular topic. But you did suddenly decide that you loved holding hands. You loved hugging him, for no reason at all. The two of you went from the occasional night together before parting ways to simply sharing a tent. And gods were you a cuddler. Every morning he would wake up with you wrapped around him, peaceful and at ease as you slept in his arms.
And... it was nice. Really, really nice. Astarion had always assumed that he would loathe being with someone who was so tactile. But it turned out when every little touch wasn't leading to mediocre and/or horrifying sex they were actually quite enjoyable. It felt good to have you so close, to know that you felt safe and comfortable with him of all people. Nice enough for Astarion to slowly get addicted to it. He wasn't quite sure when his favorite past time became reading while you laid on top of him, but he knew it claimed to top spot with startlingly speed.
Even now, with Cazador still looming, the tadpoles still squirming behind your eyes, worries and responsibilities abound, Astarion felt completely at peace. He was laying flat on his back on his bed roll, a book in one hand and the other carefully petting your hair as you dozed off; your body completely draped over him. He'd have to wake you sooner than later. Baldur's Gate was only a day's journey away now, and if you wanted to make it there before nightfall then everyone would have to get moving. He could already hear the sound of the others shuffling about.
He snapped his book shut, setting it to the side before he gently shook you, "It's time to rise and shine darling, Baldur's Gate won't be saving itself."
You mumbled as you buried your face into his chest, your words slurred, "Don't wanna. Too early."
That was another change with this newfound phase of trust. Astarion had become the only person who knew your little secret of not being a morning person. In the first few moments of wakefulness, you were at your clingiest, your whiniest, surprisingly your most honest, and arguably your most adorable state of the day. A fact that you actively hid from the rest of the group out of sheer embarrassment, but Astarion thought it was cute.
Not to mention that it made him feel special, oddly enough. That he was the only one who was allowed to see you like this; who could take care of you like this.
Astarion laughed at your response, "Tell that to the sun sweetheart. It's high-time we got going."
Despite his own words, he wasn't really doing much to move the process along. If anything he was hindering it when he wrapped his arms around you, only helping to make you more comfortable instead of less.
But then again, maybe he wasn't quite ready to let you go yet either.
You shook your head against him, your hands tightening on the fabric of his shirt, "Le'mme stay, just a little longer."
"That's easy for you to say when you're not the one to get Lae'zel's wrath," Astarion lightly argued, still making no moves to actually hurry this process along. But it was true, Lae'zel always blamed your lateness on him, her favoritism towards you blatantly obvious. The bitch. But at least she was a bitch with good taste, "I would prefer not to be murdered by a gith for being tardy."
But you were already back to being half-asleep, your internal filter completely disintegrated as you mumbled, "Feels safe here, with you. Don't wanna let it go yet. Please?"
Gods, how the in the nine hells was Astarion supposed to say no to that? He didn't. Instead the grip he had on you only tightened, the happy little sigh you let out at the movement striking him straight through the heart. He felt so... happy in that moment, through nothing more than the simplicity of holding you. Because you trusted him. You felt safe with him, which might as well have been a love confession in Astarion's world. It felt so good to have this, an intimacy that he'd been denied for centuries.
Astarion settled back, letting his own eyes close as he smiled. The others would get the two of you eventually, but until then he wasn't going anywhere. No, the two of you would be staying right here.
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moonsaver · 14 days
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Okay, honestly, I'm still reeling from the entire penacony quest, but here's my take on Sunday so far;
He's manipulative, obviously.
But like.. the type that's kind of hesitant from time to time because he's still sincere to a degree. At least, when it comes to his loved ones.
So, I guess that hesitance decreases a lot if you're just some nobody. Even then, Sunday does want the better for everyone, too. It just means that others may bear the brunt of it for the most part before being able to get ahold of it.
Also, at the very least, even if some people suffer, at the end Sunday believes they will reach where they want to, after. In that case, however, Sunday suffers far more than them, without actually ever reaching his own destination or idea of paradise.
However, this view is a bit distorted. Sunday believes to be "sacrificing" himself, shouldering loneliness and burdens in order to uphold everyone else's "paradise". But to the others, he's simply a tyrant overruling everyone's will with his own idea of Order.
Sunday deeply cares. He cares too much. That's kind of the problem.
A bit of self-destructing tendencies when pushed too far, I guess.
Lets ignore logic established by the quest for a second (because i literally am still reeling from it)
Imagine Sunday first discovers this possibility. He's terrified of it, but at the same time, he truly thinks this is humanity's salvage – for everyone who has deeply suffered. He thinks of you.
You who have had your fair share of pain, who confides in him late at night in the quiet of your privacy, hushed voices like silenced by a thick blanket through the wall.
You deserve to live a sweeter life. He thinks. No. You deserve more. He knows.
The first person he ever wants to step into this paradise – you.
Now, although Sunday was defeated in the end, we all know that unfortunately, our ragtag team had to wake up again because defeating him first was a dream. This means at some point, Sunday did succeed.
And after everyone wakes, you don't. You continue sleeping soundly. So does Sunday.
The rest of the world can return to their miserable, bitter lives outside of this dream; but Sunday will be damned if he's letting you go. Perhaps.. it's not a selfless wish, anymore. Perhaps at this point, Sunday desperately, selfishly, grips onto you with the latches of a sweet, deep dream. One where he was fatally destined to never reach, only to control from the waking world. Now that everyone else has woken, he wants to return to the dream. He wants to return to you, who he has so lovingly entrenched deep into it.
Also, Robin. Im in SO much pain... PLEASW..
Do you guys think.. even if Robin was vehemently resistant against Sunday's ideas..
Even though Sunday knew she wouldn't stand for it..
Do you guys think.. he wanted her to also join him at the end and enjoy the "Paradise" he created aswell?
Do you think he would have wanted Robin to stop worrying about everything, to take rest, to finally come home, and sing to her heart's content inside the dream? The dream where they set the bird free? The dream where Sunday still has a sweet tooth? The dream where she never has to wear elaborate neck-pieces? The dream where neither of them was hurt? Where neither of them left each other?
Oh...ogh. . My heart.
Sunday would be such a scary lover, too.
I mean even normally, I don't think a relationship with him would be that healthy
Particularly because it seems so healthy
If reader was in a relationship with normal sunday, I mean.. it's gonna at least appear healthy and normal, even to them. It's probably just Sunday having to constantly burden himself with all the dirty strings he has to pull, the quiet rush of water when he washes his hands before caressing the side of your face, the tight, closed smile he would give if you ever asked him what was wrong.. he can't let you know.
I think he'll take a yandere route in an established relationship if you do happen to find out what's been going on behind the scenes. He'll have to calm you down, and you promise you won't peep about it. The build up is almost invisible, because things seem to go back to the way they were. Before Sunday starts acting a bit.. restless. That would be when his yan! Tendencies would start kicking in, for a variety of reasons.
I feel like y'know, out of all the hsr cast, he's one of the characters who is genuinely very close to becoming a yandere canonically. Control freak? Check. Twisted ideals? Check. Unchecked power? Check. Hypnotization/manipulation? Check.
Also, the slight difference of his color pallete as opposed to Robin's.
His is much more washes out than Robin's. It's more "duller" but also more professional, and the gold of his halo is more colder than the warmer tone of Robin's halo. They both still have white/grey as a major color in their palletes, but Sunday's is accompanied by deep navy blues, or washed out blues. Robin's is very vibrant and purple. The only blue segment of her pallete is her hair, and it's remarkably more vibrant than Sunday's.
Also.. Sunday's whole ideas on "weak" and "strong"
Of course, it wasn't all correct, but that doesn't mean they didn't hold some semblance of sense.
Regardless, this playing with yan! Tendencies..... HOOOOO boy
So many thoughts. Sunday manipulating his partner is quite possibly the most common theme in them.
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pickingupmymercedes · 2 months
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She's here and she's not only ours - Lewis Hamilton
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Sequel to She's here and she's ours. Bit of angst, lots of fluff.
pairing: Dad!Lewis Hamilton x Reader!
wordcount: +1k
As always, I'm open for feedback, come say hi!
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Navigating the journey from being a couple to becoming a family is often likened to entering a whole new world—one filled with unpredictable challenges and profound joys. The radiant 7-month-old girl had effortlessly woven herself into the fabric of your lives, captivating not only you and Lewis but everyone who crossed her path. Yet, adjusting to new routines, shifting priorities, managing emotional and physical changes, and, most crucially, cultivating a deep bond with your child were aspects of parenthood that no book, class, or well-meaning advice had adequately prepared you for.
And so, the real test of parenthood often lay in learning to prioritize.
“Oh my God, she’s growing up so quickly!” Susie exclaimed, her eyes lighting up as she entered the living area of your apartment, making a beeline for the giggling toddler seated in her bumbo seat on the kitchen island.
“Please, don’t remind me. Time is flying by too fast already,” you replied, your smile widening as you watched your baby recognize Susie and reach out to be scooped up.
“I’m sorry for dropping by unannounced… I just... I had to know why,” Susie said, her expression curious and concerned.
You had expected people to comment and be surprised, but you hadn’t anticipated the attention coming so soon, even before you and Lewis had a chance to share your news.
“So, I take it everyone at Mercedes already knows?”
“More like everyone on the paddock, probably,” Susie confirmed.
“Do you remember her first few days? When she struggled to gain weight and every day felt like a battle?”
The first inkling that something was amiss came mere hours after you had returned home with your newborn daughter. Her incessant cries and insatiable hunger, even after an hour of breastfeeding, had raised red flags.
You had been warned that the initial days would be challenging—that you were now solely responsible for nourishing a tiny human. So, you soldiered on, suppressing your growing panic and tears, dreading the 40-minute feeding intervals where you’d bite your tongue and cheeks to keep from crying.
You tried every trick in the book—increasing your water intake, warm and cold compresses, dietary changes, pumping between feeds, consulting lactation specialists, and even consuming magic lactation cookies. Yet, your milk supply remained stubbornly low.
The sense of failure weighed heavily on you; your primary role was to nurture your baby, something you had done successfully during pregnancy. Instead of relishing the joys of new motherhood, you felt like a failure, a lesser mother to your daughter and a villain to your husband's fairytale of having kids.
Lewis was acutely aware of your distress and tried to be supportive. Despite knowing, as doctors and specialists had advised, that you needed to supplement with formula for both your daughter’s and your own well-being, he refrained from pressuring you. Every night he would feel as though you were punching him in the face when you went out of his sight to cry, or how his chest would tighten when he carried your screaming daughter in his arms, knowing she needed more, from him and from you. Still, he didn’t have in him to lecture you, yet again, on how that little girl needed more, not when you were giving your life and sanity away for her.
It wasn’t until the day before her second week checkup that you broke down. You knew the scale wasn’t going to give her much more grams than she had the past week, way less than she deserved and the added burden that he would be going for his first race of the season in a couple days had you reaching your breaking point.
Seeing Lewis on the sofa, looking worried and worn-out, you collapsed in front of him, letting your tears flow freely. He held you, comforting you with gentle whispers, and you both agreed that transitioning to formula was for the best. Despite the months of hearing about the benefits of breastfeeding, you had come to understand that sometimes the most challenging part of parenthood was knowing when to stand your ground and make the best choice for your family.
“We don’t want his job to feel like a burden every weekend,” you said.
“So, the Hamiltons will be a staple in the paddocks?” Susie asked, her approving smile revealing her pride.
“Life doesn’t always go as planned, does it?” You shrugged
“The media is going to love that smile,” Susie cooed, her attention directed at the toothy grin of your daughter.
“Yeah… She won’t be only ours, but Lewis needs her as much as she needs him. I guess it’s a small price to pay,” you replied, smiling at your yawning daughter in Susie’s lap, her little hands rubbing her eyes—a clear sign that her naptime was due.
“Please, let me. She still loves Disney songs, right?” Susie absentmindedly asked, already heading towards your daughter’s room, laying the toddler on her cheast and ready to lull her to sleep with a familiar melody. As you watched, you couldn’t help but marvel at how your daughter had already captured so many hearts at such a young age.
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heartfullofleeches · 4 months
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Dude I feel so bad for zombie Yan, I tend to be accidentally honest but would totally keep up their delusion. Like, their little half exposed brain can't process their (probably bad) death, how am I supposed to tell them?
Like, "yeah babe lots of humans have half of their brain out, don't worry pookie" "Yeah I know their arm fell off, would you stop being such a dick about it?" "They just drank too much water from the sink, that's why their skin is gray"
"Hey, babe.... Do you still think I'm cute?"
They feel like such a terrible partner - piling stupid questions on top of all the care and attention you've given them since they got sick. You must be so tired of them now, but they needed to hear it from you. The difference between them now and the person you fell in love with were like night and day. They'd lost so much weight in these past few months, their eyes are hollow and empty. Their skin remains the same blotchy gray color no matter how many hours they lay rotting in the sun.
"Of course I do. Why wouldn't I, silly?"
"I don't know.... I guesx I just haven't been feeling like myself lately....With that whole dog bite incident and everything that's happened since I feel like a burden to you...."
"Hey, don't think like that. You're just sick - that's all, remember?"
Sick... That's right. They said so themselves. Ugh, it's not fair. How come you still be that same wonderful you that they fell for all that time ago? So understanding and still so, so cute. You just get cuter by the day to them...It makes it so hard for them to control their temper when they see neighbors interacting with you outside. Don't they know you belong to them? Just because they get to be outside with you doesn't mean a damn thing. They hate how buddy buddy everyone gets when their symptoms flare up and they can't leave the house with you. Hate, hate, hate- They just want claw, and stomp, and bite all their dumb, smiling faces into a mangled heap no one would be able to tell apart. It's what they deserve for trying to steal you away.
But they'd never do anything like that - Hurting people would make you cry and if they did that what good were they to you?
"I think it's time for bed."
"Yay!"
Your partner crawls in bed, leaving their ankle hanging off the edge of the mattress for you to shackle to the frame. Once testing the strength of the chain, you climb in right alongside them - loosening the latches of their muzzle by a few notches as you both get comfortable. You kiss the cheek with the lesser amount of decay as they nuzzle up to you - breathing in your intoxicating scent. Deep down you both knew they'd never bite you. You satisfied a different craving and if they ever lost you their hunger for human flesh would swallow them whole.
"I'm sorry we have to do this, but we can't risk you running out while I'm asleep again."
"It's okay. I know you're just trying to help me get better. I actually really like the idea of being chained to you for the rest of my life. I love you so much, baby. Soon as I get better I promise I'll be the one taking care of you."
"Yea.... I'd like that."
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