#I’m finally on break and I haven’t doodled stuff for myself in Forever…it’s so nice…

[luminous-orb]

pretty sure I’m the only person playing tales of the abyss in 2024

#tales of the abyss #my art #mindblowingly good game btw. made me cry yesterday #my close personal friend luke fon fabre #I’m finally on break and I haven’t doodled stuff for myself in Forever…it’s so nice…

[tea-and-toblerones]

Unison  Chapter 13 - Better Love

Better Love- Steel Train

Hey, remember once upon a time when I used to write fan fics? Well, I finally finished the chapter. 

Here’s Chapter 11 and Chapter 12 for a refresher and if your brand spankin new, or just want to reread the whole damn thing, here’s the master list. 

Enjoy guys...sorry it took a forever and a year...

You would think sleep would overtake me quick and easy, with everything that had gone down. Yet here I laid, now wide awake, my mind racing. The fallout of tonight's events playing like a skipping disc, just bursts of memories. Drinking and laughing, dancing on the floor. The guys hands on my waist...wandering down...wandering down. I flung the heavy comforter off me, a small part of me wondering if it was the reason I was covered in sweat. Ed had grumbled a little as I eased out of bed. His face buried deeper in his pillow. His pillow. The thought had pulled me to a stop. My hand hovering over my doorknob, trying to think back to when I started lumping our stuff together. When I had started splitting stuff up into my stuff and his stuff. Which, seems innocent enough, but in this moment it seemed like a huge deal. 

I shook my head. I'm making too much out of it. I pushed the door open, the little whiny creak caused him to flop over. I used to hate that creak. When Nate or someone crashed on my couch, they'd wake me up everytime they would come in to use the bathroom. I was so adamant about the door remaining open. Until Ben. A lot of things had changed after that. I can almost draw a line in my life. BB and AB. Before Ben and After Ben. Ben....fucking Ben....

I scooped up the discarded trash and dirty dishes, depositing them in their proper receptacles. I pulled down a pot and began to make tea. Something normal after such a hectic night. Choosing a night time blend over my normal lemon and ginger. I hovered over the steam, breathing in the sweet, flowery scent. I scooped up the cup, and headed out on the fire escape. I let my legs dangle off the edge as I stared off, letting my thoughts run rampant. 

Tonight was a complete and utter shit show. I could shame starting to creep in as the shots wore off. I buried my hands in my face, like that would just wipe it away. It's true, I had been spending most of the night avoiding him. Hearing that he was an abusive stalker was quite a shock. Why hadn't he told me? That's important information to know going into a relationship. I pushed a sigh through my lips. I guess I'm just as guilty about withholding information from him as well. I felt the urge to go in, snag my shoes and go for a walk to clear my head. Deciding against it, I laid back with a huff, staring up at the sky trying to spot what few stars you could see in the city. The little voice in the back of my mind was telling me I jumped in too fast and I wasn't ready for all this yet.

I hadn't realised I fell asleep until I heard Ed's frantic voice above me. I slowly blinked my eyes open, his worried face coming into view. The sky was  streaked gold and pink, casting him in an ethereal glow. I groaned as I sat up, taking his hand to help me up. Every muscle felt stiff as I moved. Ed sat down beside me, his arm coming around my waist. His free hand stroking my hair. I expected him to bombard me with questions, yet he remained silent. Finally I broke the silence. 

"I'm sorry about last night. I should have just asked you about the allegations instead of distancing myself from you and seeing how you reacted. It was childish and if I hadn't been keeping my distance, that guy wouldn't have been able to do what he did."

His concerned expression morphed into one on anger. His brow had pulled down, his hand had froze in place. 

"It doesn't matter what was going on, he never should have done it period. It's not your fault. It's his," He seemed to deflate a little bit, "I'm also sorry. I acted like a child too. I should have told you about those allegations. I just...it wasn't true and I didn't want you thinking I was something I wasn't."

"Hiding it makes it seem like there's more to it than that...but I can't be too mad. I haven't shared everything with you."

"Well, let's fix that. I'll tell you everything. Everything about Allison, the fallout and the reason I'm on this break. I owe you that," He stopped, "No, I owe you more, but that's a start."

"Well, let's make some breakfast and get comfy. We don't need to add uncomfortable due to hunger."

We pitched ideas for a fabulous breakfast spread, both drooling over potential delicacies we could be eating. After 15 minutes of saying you know what sounds good...this...we settled for the high quality, four star meal of toaster strudels, because let's face it. We wanted the food, but neither one of us had the energy to cook said spread.  So we settled into the couch, still giggling over the attempt at stupid doodles that inevitably turned into a giant white puddle.

"Alright, I think I've procrastinated enough now..." He stated as he placed the plate down on the coffee table, "So I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you know next to nothing about me and Allison?"

"Erm...not next to nothing." I wiped the remaining frosting off my face, "I know nothing about Allison and you."

"Okay, then I'll just start from the beginning. Looking back I can see how stupid I was. How young and naive..." He shook his head, "I thought she was perfect, made specifically for me. I couldn't believe my luck. Well...she ended up being too good to be true."

"I know that feeling..." I muttered, then apologised about cutting him off. He waved his hand, taking a sip of water. 

"I met her at the market. She took the last bag of crisps and we ended up chatting a bit before going our separate ways. Ended up running into her a couple days later at my favorite take away place. Made a joke about it being fate and traded numbers so we could plan our next meeting. Took her to an upscale joint and had a typical first date, talked about typical first date things, but she did seem more interested in my touring and  career than my personal life. I didn't think much of it. Most people have questions and I don't mind telling some of my more wilder stories, which she really seemed to enjoy." 

I listened to him, focusing on the way his lips moved, the way his eyes looked. I thought back, about how I had asked about the places he had visited. Places I had dreamt about visiting. He had told me about some of the parties he had went to, but those hadn't really interested me. I never really saw the appeal of giant parties. 

"I just brushed it off as her just living vicariously through me. A lot of people like hearing those types of stories. She'd offhandedly mention how cool it would be to go to one and so, one night I decided to surprise her invited her along. I had expected her to be thrilled, it was all she talked about. Almost to the point of accusing me of being embarrassed of her. Instead, she got angry, saying I had to give her more than a day's notice because she had nothing nice enough to wear. No biggie I thought, so I took her shopping. Let her pick out some clothes, we had plenty of time before we had to be there. We went from store to store, and not to sound like the typical male but, I was getting both bored and frustrated. Every time I'd suggest something she'd get upset and accuse me of rushing her or wanting her to look bad. Finally, she had picked something out that was pretty pricey but at that point I didn't care, I was just ready to leave."

I watched his adam's apple bob as he swallowed.  I could tell he was trying to get his story in order by the expression on his face. I sat in silence, my hand resting on his knee, in what I hoped he saw as comforting. He had just started but I could already tell she was no good. I know you're not supposed to make snap judgements of people but she really was coming off as a spoiled princess. It had me wondering what Ed had seen in her. He didn't strike me as the shallow type so it had to be more than a pretty face. 

"When we finally made it to the party, after she had to go home and put on what she called evening makeup." He gave me a little side eye, the corner of his mouth curling up, "I had asked her what was wrong with the makeup she was wearing because she looked gorgeous." He made a face, "Because Ed," His voice high and mimicky, "This is for day, I need a bolder look for night." He did an imaginary hair flip with a scoff. I couldn't help but chuckle. "Seriously though, I'm glad you're lower maintenance than that. Not that you're a slob, but you have more of an effortless beauty, y'know."

"Hey Ed?"

"Yeah?"

"I get what you're saying, you can stop."

He chuckled, "Right, well, We get there finally and we go our separate ways. Which I was cool with. I don't like feeling like a chaperone. So, the night goes on, a lot of drinks have been poured, a lot of joints passed and she's nowhere to be found. After searching the entire house, I find her out by the pool, in just her skivvies, waving around a bottle of booze. I had called for a ride back home and gather up all her shit and get her in the car, all while she's whinging about wanting to stay and party more. She eventually just passes out, I let her sleep it off on my couch and we continue like nothing's happened. This goes on for a couple months. Rehearsals and sound checks during the day, shows in the evening, partying at night."

"The non stop touring was starting to catch up with me. I was getting tired, I was missing home, missing my family and friends. I still had a whole leg of the tour left and I didn't know how, or even if, I was going to make it through." He paused and a somber look passed over his face, "I should have ended it with her when she first offered me molly, but I was lonely and she seemed to be the one that understood me. 'It'll help you get through, baby. You won't feel as worn down. It'll be fun.' Honestly, it didn't take a lot of persuading on her part." He let out a wry chuckle, "She knew I had an addictive personality. She did her research and she did it well. She knew I'd get hooked easy. She knew I'd get hooked on the feeling, the rush, but slowing it stopped working and I would just be numb. So she switched to coke. Line after line. It was all I could think about for months. She made it where I relied on her. Made it where I needed her."

"Stu tried to intervene, but I blew him off. I blew a lot of people off because of her. I almost lost everything. I gave her whatever she wanted since she supplied what I mistaken as happiness. I bought her so much stuff. A house, car, clothes, shoes, purses. I was stupid. So fucking stupid." 

I squeezed his knee, his hand coming over mine. "I've been through dark times before. Couch hopping, sleeping on bus benches. When I first moved to America, but I made it through. This was worse. I was always angry, I lashed out at everyone. Me and her always seemed to argue and after one huge fight, I told her to go back home to give each other space. I stopped partying, finally came to my senses and officially ended things with her. The withdrawals were awful. The body aches, the trembles, the night sweats. The physical stuff lasted a couple weeks, but the mental stuff..." He trailed off, " I wanted it for months. I wish I could say I kicked it completely but I switched to pain pills, I convinced myself that was better since my whole body hurt." 

"Then the public backlash began. I had managed to stay under the radar the entire time but when she went back home, she began telling the press that I was stalking her. That I was sending her unwanted gifts to try sway her. That when she found out I was an addict I tried to buy her silence but giving a house and car, but she 'Couldn't be bought' and that caused me to become violent. She was raking in even more cash by trashing my name. The tabloids loved it. I went from Music Superstar, to deranged druggie singer. My tour was over and I honestly thought it was the end of the road for good. Of course, like all scandals, it blew over and it was on to the next story."

"I wish I could blame it all on her but it was my choice and I have to live with it. I fell for her act. She pegged me right off the bat and it was my choice to stick with her. She was after me for my money and her fifteen minutes. She broke me. She broke my trust and not to sound dramatic, but she broke my soul."

I just sat in silence, trying to process everything. I didn't know what to say, it was just... a lot. I could just stare at him, his head bowed a little, his gaze directed at the floor. My heart hurt for him. I wrap my arm around his shoulders and pull him toward me. I began stroking his hair and he collapsed into me. 

"When's the last time you..." I trailed off timidly , not entirely sure I wanted to know the answer.

"I had some pills the day we fought and I thought it was over," he said quietly. The remorse dripping from his voice. 

"Ah..."  I had a feeling but I still felt my heart sink down into my stomach.

"I'm sorry...it seems like I just keep hurting you..." His voice cracked. I could tell he was close to tears. 

"I stand by what I said. I'll stay as long as you keep working on the underlying issues, but  I won't put up with you popping pills."

"I'm done with that part of my life. I choose you. I want you in my life. You make it so much better and I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize that."

He pushed himself up and looked at me for the first time since he started talking. I half expected his eyes to be red and puffy because it had sounded like he had been crying. Yet, they were the brightest blue I had yet to see, with a gleam behind them that I hadn't seen. He pressed his lips against my temple. 

"I just don't want you thinking I'm a magic cure, okay?"

"Of course you're not. I know it's going to be a lot of work. All relationships are, but you're worth the work Adi. I know there's gonna be hard times, but it's safe to say that the honeymoon phase is over. I'm willing to do the work and effort, the question is, are you?" 

I am? He just dropped a lot of information on me that I still haven't processed. Just how bad was his usauge? Do I really want to know? I mean, that was the past right and we don't live in the past. I kinda feel like that's naive thinking. Of course it impacts the present and future. I did say I would stand by him but how far am I willing to go? Where's the line? 

"Well...I do have concerns...I don't want to be responsible for your relapse if something would happen between us. That's a lot of pressure."

"It would be my choice if that was to happen. I know saying don't worry about it, isn't going to help. What I can say is, I'm getting to the root of the problem. I'm taking the steps help myself. I know things have went kinda fast and everything and that this break isn't going to last forever...but I just want that one special person that I can spend my life with. That enhances it. That makes my life better."

I just stare at him, causing his expression to turn sheepish. 

"And you think that's me?" I barely whisper 

"I think it could be you, yes."

"Wow..." I breathe. 

"Sorry, too much?" 

"Um...I guess I hadn't realised how much of a romantic you are and how much you thought about the future." I began picking at my nails, an old habit I had never been able to shake.

"You don't?"

"I think about the future, but...I guess I've been career oriented too long...I just been focused on that for so long..." The whole 'lumping our stuff together thoughts' crossed my mind again, "But...I could see us being together for a while..."

His face split into a grin, "We just had the where do you think we are in this relationship talk."

I nodded, "Yep, we did."

Ed blew a burst of air out of his lips, "Well, enough for all this seriousness. Let's go and do something fun."

I arch my eyebrow "You got something in mind?"

He smirked, holding out his hand, "Of course I got something in mind."

"Well, then after you." I said, taking his hand. A smile spreading across my face, pushing my fears to the back of my mind. 

I could see a future with us, but will that last when he goes back on the road? How much is going to change then?

#ed sheeran #teddy sheeran #code ginger #ed sheeran fan fic #ed sheeran mature fanfic #ed sheeran fan fiction #ed sheeran fanfiction #ed sheeran fanfic #orginial writing #fanfic #fan fiction #celebrity fanfiction #fan fic #fanfiction #celeb fanfic #unison

[hey-hey-chan]

Soulmate!Hyunjin

WARNING: Don’t read if you can’t handle or are uncomfortable with mentions of suicide/depression and anything related to gore/blood. 

If you’re the type of person to like song requests at the beginning of fanfics, I suggest listening to All the King’s Horses by Karmina and/or Island by SVRCINA. 

DO NOT ASK FOR ME A PART 2. THANK YOU.

“Oh my fucking Jesus Christ, holy guacamole, holy AAH!” My sister yelled this as she hit my arm, making me flinch in pain at the contact.

“What? What?!” I yelled at her, yanking her hands away from my arm. She squealed again and tried to shush me, despite making a loud ruckus in the library herself.

“My timer! It stopped!” She shoved her wrist in my face, making me fall back onto my chair. 

I gasped as I saw the numbers all hit 0. 

“Kyungmi, how did this happen?” I asked my older sister. She shrugged and had a knowing look on her face. 

“Ok, well, look, to your left, no your other left, yes, in the corner, do you see that boy?” I looked in the direction she told me and low and behold, there sat a boy who was just like my sister’s type; tall, styled black hair, but perfectly messy, and was the epitome of a pretty boy. 

I smiled.

“Yup?” She smiled and scooted closer to me. 

“It totally stopped once he walked into the room, I’m- I’m pretty sure he’s my soulmate!” She blushed, clutching her wrist that held the countdown to who we were destined to spend our entire lives with. 

“Well, what are you doing still talking to your baby sister? Go talk to him!” I nudged her, making her fall out of her chair. She glared at me, but she was hiding her face with a blush. 

“Ok, ok, fine, how do I look?” I raised a brow.

“When do you ever need someone else to tell you how pretty you look?” I mocked.

Me and my sister are polar opposites. She was always the pretty one, the beautiful one, while I was dull in comparison. 

She was the president of our leadership club, on the honor roll for her four years of high school, and was friends with about every student in the school. People naturally gravitated to her bubbly and fun aura, even I admit she was my best friend. 

She was the life of the party, yes, she had multiple boyfriends and flings along the way, but she was the type of girl to sit and just dream about her prince charming coming to sweep her off her feet. 

And well, me? I was the girl you wouldn’t glance twice at if you saw me walking down the hallways or even if I fell face flat into the floor, that’s how boring I was. 

“Ha, you’re cute. Ok, I’m going, wish me luck!”

“Luck.” I whispered. I watched her flip her long, curled hair over her shoulder and strut her way over to the mystery boy. 

I looked down to my wrist. 

398 20 16 30. I took a deep breath and sighed. 

Well, that’s a long time to wait. 

Honestly, I wasn’t the girl to sit around and dream about her prince charming, I was more of the girl who accepted her fate that no one like her and she would be alone forever. 

Despite the whole soulmate/destiny thing, there have been numerous accounts on where people never met their soulmate or their soulmate chose someone else. 

How devastating would that be. 

I watched my sister walk up to the table and shyly say hi to the boy. He glanced up and locked eyes with her, showing off his eye smile. 

They both looked like awkward pretty people for a second, then she sat down and they continued to talk. 

I smiled slyly at the couple, happy my sister finally met the boy of her dreams.

I waited an hour for my sister before she got up and grabbed her stuff from our table. 

“We’re going on a date, don’t wait up for me, ok?” She whispered, giving me a harsh look which meant ‘don’t tell mom and dad’. I nodded and glanced over to the lucky boy. 

He had dark brown hair and was even more handsome up close. He towered over my sister who was a short height of 4′11 while I was an average 5′5. 

“Hi, I’m Hyunjin.” He extended his hand. I tightly gripped his hand, shaking it firmly as a dad would do to his daughter’s boyfriend. 

“Y/n. Nice to meet you.” I pulled my hand away to cross my arms over my chest. 

“Ok son, don’t have her out too late, I want her home by 9pm sharp ok?” The boy barked out laughter, his eyes crinkling into tiny crescents. I laughed at his outburst, but immediately retracted it once I saw my sister glaring daggers at me.

She gave me ‘the look’ and I covered my laugh up with a cough. 

‘It’s a joke’ I mouthed at her. She gave no response and I shook my head at her stubborn self. 

“I’m joking, just sneak her through the window when you’re done with her. Later.” I gave him a small smirk before walking away and I knew my sister would yell at me later, but I was certain he would stay with her.

I mean, they are soulmates. 

And she’s the most perfect girl a guy could want, how could he leave her?

For the next few weeks, I felt as if I lost my best friend. 

“Hey, do you wanna grab some pho later? I’m really craving something brothy.” I asked Kyungmi during our 4th period. She gave me a guilty smile, something she always gave before she was going to give an excuse she wasn’t really guilty about.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. 

“What? Hanging out with Hyunjin again?” I tried not to act too upset about it as she was much happier with him around, I just had to understand my sister had her own life to live. 

She frowned and fixed her hair to lay over her shoulder.

“Y/n, please, he’s my soulmate. And it’s super weird! Like he’s the first guy I can’t tell who’s into me, and he hasn’t even showed me his timer yet! Like isn’t that the first thing you show someone you’re interested in? To prove you’re not wasting your time?” 

I scoffed at her remark.

“Why haven’t you showed him your timer then? Show him you’re soulmates. Maybe he’s worried you aren’t his or something.” At these words, her eyes brightened up. 

“You’re right, I’ll show him once I actually start to get to know him better and know 100 percent he likes me back so he wouldn’t feel compelled to like me.” I scoffed again. 

“You mean who wouldn’t want to date the most popular girl in school?” I teased. She shoved me slightly which barely moved me an inch.

“Shut up, you know how much I hate when you say that.” I smiled jokingly.

“You mean how much you love it?” She hit my shoulder again, making me laugh and having us get shushed by our teacher, which returned things to normal, but only for a little bit.

I was sitting in my room, doodling in my journal until I heard the doorbell ring. I sighed, pulling on a hoodie to answer the door.

Who could possibly be coming at 1pm on a Saturday? 

“Y/N! That’s Hyunjin! Can you please, please stall him while I get ready?? I totally forgot we were hanging out this afternoon and I still haven’t done my hair and makeup!” I sighed but did as she told anyways.

“Fine, but you owe me!” She laughed.

I opened the door softly and there stood Hyunjin with a black t-shirt and dark skinny jeans, an outfit I knew my sister would drool over. 

“Hey, Hyunjin.” I greeted awkwardly, I wasn’t the best at talking to people. He smiled awkwardly, matching mine perfectly. 

“Hi y/n.” We both stood awkwardly at the door for a bit until I realized I was supposed to talk next.

“Oh yeah, um, Kyungmi’s still getting ready, but uh, you can come in?” I honestly had no idea how to ask a boy into the house, but he complied anyways.

“Thanks, so, how’s it going?” He asked. He took off his shoes and I led him inside.

“Uh, pretty good, how about you?” I asked. He smiled tightly.

“Pretty good.” Silence again. Suddenly, his gaze danced over to something behind me.

“Woah, is this I Hunt Killers by Barry Lyga?” He gently plucked the book off the book shelf. I chuckled softly and nodded.

“Yup, one of my favorites.” He looked up from the book in amazement.

“No way, it’s one of mine too! It’s seriously so underrated though, like one of the most thrilling and fast paced mysteries I’ve read, I don’t know why it isn’t more popular.” He sighed in disbelief. I let myself relax and smile.

“That’s exactly how I feel. I-I mean, I really like how Jasper didn’t end up with the girl in the end, I mean, he was too broken and damaged for that. It hinted there was something still there, but I agree with Lyga that Jasper needed more time.” Hyunjin locked his eyes on mine, making my eyes waver from his. 

“Wow, everyone I met who read that book has ever agreed with me on that.” He spoke. 

Somehow, when he locked eyes with me, I felt as if I was the center of his universe. 

Like he was focused on me, and only me. 

I quickly shook my gaze away and chuckled.

“Yeah, I mean, yeah.” I added lamely. He then reached over me again, getting a little too close for comfort. 

“Slammed by Colleen Hoover. A guilty pleasure of mine.” He smiled. I snorted and leaned back on one leg. 

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with a boy reading a beautiful and romantic novel written by a lady, nothing wrong at all. In fact, I encourage it.” I voiced. 

I felt bad for boys who felt the need to hide the fact they read books with “girly” themes and written in a girl’s point of view, though no one said anything if a girl read a book with a male point of view. Double standards really suck.

He blushed and ruffled his hair slightly. Suddenly, the mole under his eye became noticeable and it made his face look ten times cuter. 

“Yeah, I mean, there’s something really poetic about this novel, and not just because it’s about poetry.” I laughed at his lame joke, but it fit my sense of humor. 

“I mean, there’s something almost compelling to read about a forbidden love that wasn’t even supposed to be forbidden at all. Ah, I guess enticing is a better word.” He gave me a subtle grin, making me blush at his words.

“Y/n, what are you doing, showing Hyunjin your nerdy books again, ugh. Don’t scare him away.” My sister plucked the book from my hands and threw them into the shelves. 

She tidied up her hair and stared at the boy who looked equally as uncomfortable as me. 

“Ok, come on, Hyunjin. Let’s go catch that movie.” She took his hand and pulled him away, breaking the eye contact Hyunjin and I tried not to have but had anyways. 

I ignored the pounding in my heart that felt as if the world had crumbled below me and threw a soft smile to the couple. I leaned against the wall casually and waved.

“See ya, don’t stay out too late.” I winked at the boy, making him blush and laugh. My sister turned red for a whole other reason and glared at me, but said nothing. 

I heard the door slam shut and I fled to my room to isolate myself from the pain in my heart that even I wasn’t understanding. 

I tried to ignore the subtle way my palms sweat when Hyunjin came into our house or the way my heart skipped a beat when he laughed at one of my jokes. 

I tried to ignore the way I melted when he said something beautiful about a piece of my poetry and when he spoke about one of our favorite books. 

I tried to ignore the way my heart broke as he looked into my sister’s eyes.

And most importantly, I tried to ignore the way he looked into mine. 

“No, but seriously, I was just walking down the hall with Kyungmi right? And suddenly a guy comes out of nowhere and he’s obviously a lot older than us and asks ‘hey do you have a boyfriend?’ and she says ‘uh, no’ and he fucking asks, wait for it. He asks ‘oh so are you taking applications then’” I rolled over in laughter at the story that got me on my ass every single time.

I felt tears trickle out of my eyes and saw Hyunjin tip over and his eyes disappeared under the crinkles and smile. 

“Oh my God, do guys actually say that? There’s no way!” He yelled while sobbing. I nodded, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

“Yes way! And-”

“Ok, y/n, we get it! Can you like, go up to your room or something? Hyunjin and I are doing something.” I stopped laughing immediately and retracted my statements. I felt stunned at her sudden outburst and was unable to do anything at first. 

Then, I sat up slowly from the couch and felt red burn my cheeks. 

“Hey, it’s-” I heard Hyunjin start, but I cut him off. I avoided his gaze as I felt his pitying stare on me. 

I almost forgot how I was a year younger than the both of them.

I forgot how my sister was the pretty one and I was the ugly one. 

I forgot how he was her soulmate and not mine. 

“No it’s fine, seriously. I’ll leave you two alone.” I quickly got up and made my way upstairs, pretending I didn’t feel their stares pierce my back. 

And I pretended how tears didn’t pierce my eyes. 

I slowly shut my door and let out the tears I had that were instilled in my eyes. I softly brushed away the tears from my soft cheeks that were used to the wet tears and fell slowly to the ground.

He doesn’t like you, I told myself. I glanced down at my wrist and checked the time.

319 23 13 08. I sighed in relief, yet I unfortunately had a small bit of disappointment.

My soulmate isn’t Hyunjin. 

This is just a weird bump in the road.

This means nothing. 

As the next couple of days went by, I tried to forget everything. 

I tried to forget the way Hyunjin brushed his hair out of his face when he was bored, the way he looked me in the eyes when he talked to me, the way his eyes lit up when he talked about a book with me, and the way he looked at me as if I was better than my sister. 

But this all changed on Friday night.

I sat in my room, watching TV while my sister was out with her other friends and I was left to hold down the fort as our parents were always away on business trips. 

Suddenly, I heard a soft knock on the door. I flinched at the sound, almost dropping the bowl of popcorn on my lap. I furrowed my brows and set the bowl to the side while lowering the volume of the TV. 

I threw on a hoodie once again and made my way down the stairs. 

Who could this possibly be?

I slowly opened the door, afraid someone would jump out and attack me, but felt even more nervous at who I saw instead.

“H-hyunjin?” I stuttered out. He gave me a gentle smile and gave me his signature awkward wave. The boy was wearing his usual attire, yet a denim jacket was slung over his shirt. 

“Hey y/n.” He greeted. I felt my hands shaking at the anxiety I felt around him, but I opened the door wider to hide my fear.

“Um, Kyungmi isn’t here right now, she’s, um-” He chuckled, making my heart pound faster and faster at his smile.

“Yeah, I know, I came to see you.” 

I felt as if my world stopped and my bones and limbs shook at the aspect of being alone with the boy who made my heart jump and my guilt swallow me silly. 

“Oh, ok, well, come in.” I knew I probably shouldn’t let my sister’s boyfriend-crush-in while she wasn’t home, but I had a hard time saying no to people. 

“So, how have you been? I haven’t seen much of you lately.” He started. I scoffed at his words, shutting the door behind him.

“Oh wow, I wonder why.” I joked. We both knew my sister hated me being around him. He sighed and ruffled his hair. 

“Well, I like seeing you, I like being around you.” He spoke slowly. I shook my head, the walls seemingly closing in as he kept speaking.

“Hyunjin.” My breath shook and I took a step back from him. “Kyungmi doesn’t-”

“I don’t care what your sister wants! This isn’t about her, this is about you and me!” He raised his voice. I shut my eyes, trying to take deep breaths. 

“Hyunjin, you know, you know.” He took a sharp turn away from me, facing toward the door once again. 

“Yes, I know I’m her soulmate.” He said these words no emotions, which terrified me.

“No, you both are soulmates, you’re meant to be.” I noted softly. He shook his head and took off his jacket. 

“You’re wrong. Look at my wrist.” I gripped his wrist as it came flying at me.

00 09 14 08

I gasped and dropped his wrist immediately. 

“No! No, no.” I gasped out. I took shaky breaths and tried to lean against something, but Hyunjin caught me instead.

“Y/n, she isn’t my soulmate. I don’t know if she got the person wrong-” 

“No, we were one of the only people in that library and it turned to 0 once you came in. It has to be you, there’s no other way.” I choked out. I brushed my hair out of my face though it still stuck to the sweat that thinly coated it. 

Our fight came to a standstill and I could only hear his deep breaths and my heart pounding.

“Y/n, I-I’m sorry. But I don’t feel that way about your sister. I can’t when I’m in love with her-” 

“Don’t say it! You can’t say it, Hyunjin, please.” I cried. I covered my ears and blocked out the sound. 

He gently set my hands down despite my wimpy protests. He gazed gently into my eyes, but I refused to meet his. 

“Y/n, I like you and there’s nothing you can do about it, ok?” I felt my heart start to pound at his fierce words.

“You’re wrong! You can’t like me, I’m pathetic, boring, ugly, dull and stupid! She’s our school’s president for God’s sake and every boy’s dream! You’re wrong! I’m, I’m-” Hyunjin bent down to my level and cupped my chin and faced me towards him.

“Listen to me, you’re none of those words, you are strong, you are beautiful, you are smart, and you are the most amazing girl I’ve ever spent time with. You’re-” I pushed away from him as our former position was too intimate, too loving. 

“Stop, Hyunjin! I’m nothing compared to her, just admit it! My sister has had tons of boyfriends, tons of lovers, and she has tons of friends, while me on the other hand, I’ve never even had a boy look at me for more than 5 seconds!” I screamed. 

I need to get away form here. I need to get away from here. 

“And you! You’re the most perfect boy I’ve laid eyes on, you’re smart, funny, beautiful, inside and out. And you deserve a girl like her.” I whimpered childishly. He shook his head. I could see his face turning red in pure anger, but I didn’t care what he thought at this point.

Maybe if I made him angrier, he would understand that he’s making the wrong choice. 

“Don’t tell me what I deserve or what I don’t deserve! Let’s talk about what you deserve, ok? You deserve the whole fucking universe to fall at your feet because you’re the most unselfish person I’ve ever met, you’re so kind to your sister and to everyone around you. You’re funny, smart, and everything you say makes me smile. You make goddamn butterflies fly around in my stomach like I’m 12 years old or something. 

“I don’t care that your sister is president of our school or that she’s had way more experience than you in relationships because I love you for you, and you’re beautiful alright? I wish you could see yourself the way I see you because you light up like stars when you walk into my line of vision and you make my day a million times better.” 

I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt his fingers brush against my cheek. Thankfully, I snapped out of it and slapped his fingers away. 

“You can’t choose her over me, you can’t do that. No one does that-” 

“I’m not choosing her over you because you’ve been my only choice, got it?” Before I could answer, I felt him crash my lips into mine. 

The kiss was rough at first, but then turned soft as he got timid at his bold action. I didn’t know what I was doing but suddenly my hands were in his hair and his arms were around my waist. 

Suddenly, I felt a jolt around my wrist, making me jump back from him. 

“Did you-” I quickly pulled up my sleeve and stared at the numbers that seemed to trivial before.

00 00 00 00. 

I didn’t see Hyunjin for another week after that incident. I tried to pretend it ever happened. I tried to forget how beautiful he made me feel and how alive he made me feel.

Like I wasn’t trapped behind my sister’s shadow. 

Like I wasn’t a drone living through my days.

Like I had something living for. 

“Thanks for helping me move boxes into the art room, Mr. Oh would have my head if I didn’t get this done by today.” I wiped the sweat from my forehead.

“It’s fine. I wouldn’t want you to be stuck here doing it yourself anyways.” I handed her a big box and saw my sleeve droop slightly lower. 

“Thanks, and hey!” She dropped the box and pulled up my sleeve, ignoring the paintbrushes that were scattered on the ground. 

I tried to pull my arm back, but she was too fast. 

“Your timer!!” She yelled, holding her hand to her mouth. 

“When? Who? With...” Her face changed from surprise to pure anger as she threw down my wrist. 

“Kyungmi, it’s not-” 

“It’s Hyunjin, isn’t it?” Her tone left a bitter taste in my mouth as she glared at me with the most hatred I’ve seen. 

“Kyungmin, I didn’t know. We didn’t even know-”

“Oh, so this has been a secret from me? For how long!? When were you going to tell me!?” She yelled. I shut my eyes, not knowing how to respond. Were we ever going to tell her? What was the right thing to do in this situation?

“You know what? This isn’t like you. You used to tell me everything, used to never keep secrets from me and now look! Now you’re stealing my boyfriend!”

“He wasn’t even your boyfriend in the first place!” I spat, wanting to take back those words as soon as they left my mouth. I shut my eyes and groaned internally. “Ok, I meant-”

“Save it. You’ve always been jealous of me anyways."

She turned around, but quickly whipped back around at me to make one final point.

“If you even cared for me enough, you’d let me have him.”

I thought everything would get better after a couple of days, but it didn’t. Kyungmi ignored me. 

I ignored Hyunjin. 

Hyunjin ignored Kyungmi. 

This was a vicious cycle I didn’t know if I could handle.

I sat in my bedroom, slowly letting out the tears from my eyes, thinking of the pain I’ve caused everyone. 

How did this happen to me? How did I get caught in the most toxic love of all? 

With my soulmate and my sister? 

"If you even cared for me enough, you’d let me have him.” 

I let these thoughts consume me as I mustered up my courage and went into the kitchen, grabbing one of the sharpest blades we had. 

It’s ok, your sister will be happier with him. Everyone will be happier with them together. Even Hyunjin. This is for the best.

The voice in my head told me. 

“You have no friends, no future, while she has it all.” 

I shook my head, throwing the blade away, accidentally cutting myself in the process. I saw the blood trickle down my arm, making my head spin and my heart pound dangerously.

Stop. 

Stop. 

Stop. 

You can’t do this. 

You can’t do this.

You can do this.

I knew the one way to reverse soulmates, to reverse the love. 

You had to stop the time and break the clock. 

I closed my eyes, and grabbed the blade once more. 

I stared at the small device, that stared back with the large number 00 00 00 00. 

I closed my eyes once more, thinking of the happier life Kyungmi would have, Hyunjin would have, and I would have once this ended. 

"If you even cared for me enough, you’d let me have him.”

These words jolted me into reality; I thought of the beautiful life she could live while I had no future ahead of me.

I sharply threw the knife up and down onto the clock, cringing at the sound of skin breaking and wires buzzing in my skin. 

And then

it all

stopped. 

#stray kids #straykidznet #skdays #skcountdown #sk-writersnet #hyunjin #stray kids scenarios #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenario #stray kids imagine #hyunjin scenarios #hyunjin imagines #kpop soulmate au #stray kids soulmate au #sk scenarios #sk imagines #hwang hyunjin #stray kids angst #sk angst

[a-day-at-once]

January entries #21 to #31

#21

21/01

Hello, diary. I'm sorry this time I took so much of you, I'll be fast. Today at work, Leo and I talked abou KSV, and watched some of the manga's pages. As usual with magical girls mangas, it's a bit... Darker, than what TV's adaptation shows. Well, looks like Leo didn't knew that. Today's sticky note was a doodle of us watching Sakura, so I drew us cosplaying. When the shift finished, I headed back home and feeded Ember. Watching those pages made me remember my first motivations to draw. Inspired me, somehow. So I took you and went to the canal, were we still are.

Do you remember weeks ago, when I told you about journals? How 'diary' suited you better, because people took their journals outside and stuff? I won't stop calling you diary, it's way too settled down now to change it. But welcome to your new life.

It's just a messy, fast sketch. And I'm lying down actually, but I couldn't make the pose right as I wanted so...

I signed it as 'Luz'. It's a friendly nick for my coworkers now, but at first, it was my artistic name. I haven't used it as such in a long time... memories come to my mind, of every painting and sketch that I signed with this name. It means 'light' in spanish. Well, I'll go back home now. It's getting late, I'm kinda tired, and maybe Ember is missing me. See you tomorrow.

- Eva.

#22

22nd of January

Today was pretty long, diary.

There was some kind of event at one of the shops nearby, so I assume that everybody and their mother's brother decided to do their shopping for dinner before they went home. We were packed all day, to the point where I didn't even have time to get the stocking done I was supposed to get done. I ended up staying forty-five minutes after my shift to get it done.

On a positive note, that meant that the end of today's shift coincided with Leo's. On a negative note, when I saw him, I was struck with a bolt of lightning: I had gone on a date with Leo.

We hadn't decided it was a date, not fully.

But he held my hands and taught me how to ice skate.

Was that a date? Did we... Date?!

He bought me dinner, diary!! That was bloody well a date!!

He trotted over to me with a grin on his face and I dropped the boxes of pasta I was holding. Holy god, I went on a date with him! "Hey! What are you still doing here?" He'd asked, helping me collect the wayward pasta.

"Stalking! Stocking," I said, stacking up the boxes. "Yep. Just, uh, leftover stocking stuff. Couldn't get it done during the rush," "Oh, that's the worst," Leo had commiserated. "Want some help? I don't technically clock in for another fifteen or so,"

"Sure," I agreed. I knew my face was redder than red, the reddest I'd ever been, even redder than the time I'd fallen asleep on the beach. Leo ignored how shirty I was being and just talked about a show he'd watched last night. I didn't technically have cable, as watching whatever's on at the laundromat didn't count, so I didn't know what he was talking about. But he filled me in on some of the backstory with animated hand gestures, hysterical character voices, and the occasional dynamic pose. I don't think he ever put a box on the shelf, but the way that he set me at ease after my sudden realization helped more than he could have ever known.

My entire walk home, I thought about the date-not-date. Leo was so relaxed during the whole thing, but I assume I had been too.

I hadn't thought that it was a date the entire time.

If I had, there was no doubt that I would have skated directly into a wall going at least Mach the fuck Five and possibly crying the entire time I did it. I unlocked the door to my apartment and threw myself down on the couch.

What was the etiquette on this whole thing? Was I supposed to ask Leo if it was a date, or would he eventually ask me? Were we just going to keep going on like this forever and ever until one of us wondered if we were supposed to be filing taxes together or something?

What if I asked him and he laughed at me? What if I asked him and he didn't know what I was talking about?

What if I didn't ask him and I died right here, of a heart attack? Ember pounced on my gut, forcing me to unglue my asscheeks from the couch and feed her.

That gave me a three-minute reprieve from the unholy existential spiral I'd found myself in, but I'd made no more progress on my best course of action. Just as I got done cleaning up after Ember dove into her food bowl, I got a text.

From Leo. Leo: Hey, I'm on my lunch break and figured I'd give you a holler. You said you're an artist, right? I want to work on my painting skills. Want to go to the craft store with me on payday? I want a pro by my side! I stared at my phone like it'd grown snakes for what felt like an hour before I typed back. Me: Sure! I should get some more supplies, too. I've been getting back into the swing of things. Leo: Great. It's a date! I stared at the screen, frozen in place.

Dear diary, it seems that Leo answered my day-long epic saga of self-exploration, self-deprecation, and a little bit of absolute terror.

Now, I guess I have only one question. Is Leo psychic?

--hawkwarrd

#23

Welcome to Day 23, diary, 'cause the breeze is so strong and the weather's so dark that I might have dropped you into the snow when I was rushing out the door this morning with my bag unzipped.

Just dash, drop, drown--I've left you out in the air in the sink, hopefully minimizing the damage as much as possible. Would a hair dryer help? Can I even use a hairdryer without setting it on fire?

Fire--god, I wish I had a fireplace. It's so cold. It's so fucking cold.

Round these parts it doesn't snow 'til January--dull dreary grayness throughout the December and  mild-mild-mild chills until January "the Real Fucking Winter" 23rd rolls around with snow so wild I'll freeze my toes off.

I. Hate. The snow.

We're getting snowstorm warnings but I go to work anyway like how we put warnings on prescription bottles and they don't stop us all anyway and honestly? Wasn't busy, given the snow. No one wants to go around in this weather.

We closed early for the lack of traffic. I'm home now, and though your pages are water-damaged and wrinkled and stained, you're still okay. Still functional. We're a lot alike in that respects, aren't we?

I thought about writing another poem, or doodling--hell, my neighbor's kid plays their rap music so loud I considered trying to make my own. I will not. I would be a disaster--but yeah, that kid--they're probably like 13, 14, with a bad attitude and headphones too big for their face and a big button on their backpack that says THEY/THEY PRONOUNS OR I'LL KILL YOU.  Their nickname changes every other day from planet names to galaxy clusters to snowflake crystalline shapes. Their mom, Hadiza, is nicer, all on her own--a tired smile on her worn-pretty face and her hands cracking from dish soap and snow-skin, but she sometimes knocks on my door and asks me to make sure her baby got home okay while she was out at work.

sometimes i think i'd kill to have a family who loves me but that's a bad thought bad bad bad

She's nice, at least, though. When I got home she offered me some tea--you've been awfully quiet lately, Luz! Come in, I'll make you some-- all soft and warm, and well, motherly.

Made my heart hurt a little. Made some of the snow melt.

So I'm here, diary, after a lazy slow cold day, with milk tea and biscuits warming my body from my toes to the brainfreeze I caught in the winter outside.

Good days and bad days, huh, diary? Good days and bad days.

I hear the music playing up from the apartment next door again, but I don't mind it so much right now.

--redlight

#24

24th January

I was painting today after my shift at work.

That’s why I wasn’t paying attention. Why I didn’t fully look at the screen before I answered the phone.

It was set to be a good painting, I thought. I’m pretty sure I was trying to deal with what happened at the turn of the year. I was so proud of myself for picking up a paintbrush and getting into that space.

I don’t think it matters, now.

I pressed the phone to my ear, expecting Greg or Susan to be calling me to confirm my schedule for next week.

It was neither Greg nor Susan.

“Hey. I didn’t think you were going to pick up,” Nick’s voice said. “Listen, I know that you’re really mad at Dad and all,”

“That’s one way to put it,” I said, mouth feeling numb as I spoke. I wasn’t here at all. I was at the pizza shop with Leo. I was ice-skating. I was even arguing with an old lady about the price of tuna, because I wasn’t here--

“I think we need to put that aside for a while.” Nick said, sighing. “I’m at the hospital. With dad. And Mum.” He said shortly.

“The hospital?” I said, looking around. Ember sat curled up on the couch. I’d dropped my paintbrush. There’s a splatter of brown-red paint slowly seeping into the cream carpet. There goes my deposit.

“Yeah. Dad’s… Not well. Mum and I talked, and I think… We think, all of us, that you should come home.”

“I can’t.” I spat immediately. “I just… I can’t, I just can’t.”

“If it’s about money, I’ll buy the ticket.” Nick said nonchalantly. Funny, that. Who knew being His Holiness came with such a stunning salary.

“It’s not about the money and you know that.” I whispered, curling in on myself. I could barely breathe, could barely think. “What’s going on?” My morbidity asked.

Nick let out a sigh.

“Dementia, we think. He’s been asking for you.” He admitted, his voice choked. “We’re not sure how much longer he has.” “Dementia,” I echoed. “Okay. I’ll… I need to… I have a job,” I babbled, standing then sitting immediately back down. “Can I call you back?”

“Sure. We’re going to be at the hospital all day, so even if you want to talk to him…” Nick said, trailing off hopefully.

How he wanted a perfect family.

“Right,” I said, finally choosing to stand back up. “Right.”

“Okay. Bye. I love you.”

“I… I love you, too.” I said, looking down at the phone in confusion. Nick hung up.

I felt like I’d been boiled.

Dad had been asking for me?

What did that mean? As far as I knew, he hadn’t uttered my name since I’d left the house.

Was he really dying? There was a time in my life that my father dying had been a fond dream of mine, while I was locked in my room to give me “time to think”.

Nick becoming a man of some monolithic God was hardly original. My father had been patient zero. The outbreak. The drop of contamination in the well.

Mind and body, I still bore scars from being the queer child in a House of God.

How was I supposed to go back to that? How was I supposed to care?

Nick had always behaved like I was being overdramatic, and he still was. How could he just casually call me one afternoon and ask me to go back to that place like it hadn’t ripped everything I was away from me?

The numbness I had on the phone was swept away by the tide of rage.

My father was the type to read from the Bible for our bedtime stories when we were children, to pray before dinner, to attribute everything good in our lives to God.

As a child, I was wont to agree. All the evidence I had pointed to the affirmative. My life was good, and therefore God was good.

It was only when things started to take a turn that I found out the truth.

God made man. Man made pain. Pain made man bitter and tired.

Dear diary, I am so bitter. So tired.

Somehow, my father had found out that I was queer. I had been trying things on for size at school, trying to grow into myself in a safe space.

Soon after, the mill downsized. My father was one of the many that were turned away, no pension, no benefits.

Many people would have turned to alcohol, to drugs, to anything to make that horror seem far away for awhile, but my father turned to God. We went to church Sundays and Wednesdays. We prayed every night, together, before bed.

I’m sure there are people out there who thrive in that environment. Nick sure had.

Me? Not so much.

Especially not when I was to blame for my father’s layoff. They laid the family’s flaws at my front door, blaming my queerness for why things were going wrong.

God is punishing me, they said. I was unnatural, they said.

Ember made a small chirrup from the couch and I looked over at her.

I couldn’t go back, I thought dumbly. They wouldn’t let a cat on the train, and Ember surely wasn’t staying here by herself.

I looked back down at the phone.

I had a few options. Running through them would help sort the cluttered stack of panicked thoughts in my mind, made frantic from a single phone call.

Option one: never call Nick back, throw my phone into the canal.

Option two: call Nick back, tell him I can’t go back, but talk to my father on the phone. Option three: call Nick back, tell him to buy me a ticket, go back to my hometown.

Just thinking the third one made me sick to my stomach, so I crossed it off. I couldn’t do it. Not now, at least.

Option two seemed like the best way to keep everyone happy. I was the equalizer. I was the one that kept everything together.

This was my role in the family.

I picked up my phone, but instead of dialling Nick, I dialled Leo.

“Hey! What’s going on?” Leo answered. He sounded cheerful but suspicious. I would be, too. We’d only texted a few times since the date. (Not date? What the fuck ever, I’ve got other shit happening.)

“Something… crazy, honestly. Do you have a second?” The background noise on the call stopped and I heard a door close.

“Yeah. I’m all ears. What’s going on?”

I gave Leo the five-minute version of my family history, much like he’d given me over pizza. It was sanitized, but I could hear him hiss through his teeth while I recounted certain tales.

“Now he’s sick. Nick says its dementia and he wants to see me, but…”

“You can’t.” Leo said firmly.

“Right.” I agreed, folding my arm across my chest. “It would be…”

“Bad, bad, bad.” Leo said. I could nearly see him shaking his head, his hair getting in his eyes. “No bueno.”

“Nick said I could talk to him on the phone, but…”

“Do you owe him that, honestly?” Leo asked me.

“Do I owe him?”

“Yeah. It’s supposed to be just a phone call, alright, but you’re freaking out. Do you owe him your piece of mind? Do you owe any of them your peace of mind?”

What a question. “I don’t think so.” Leo said, softly into the silence. “I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that you are worthy of peace. You are worthy of happiness.”

There was a lump in my throat and I could scarcely breathe.

“I dunno if anybody ever told you that, but it’s true.”

“Thank you,” I choked out.

“Anytime. Literally, day or night.” Leo said. I heard a door bang open and someone calling his name. “I have to go back in, but are you going to be alright?”

“Yeah. I am.” I said, and I didn’t know it was true until that moment. “I think I’m going to call Nick back.”

“What are you going to tell him?” Leo asked.

“That I’m not going to talk to my father,” I said, gulping slightly around the tears that threatened to choke me. “At least not now. And I’m not going back there. Ever.”

“Good. Great,” Leo said. “Call me if you need me, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you so much,”

“No problem. I’ll see you tomorrow at work, okay?’

“Okay.” I agreed again. We hung up, saying our goodbyes.

The phone lay in my hand, inert, but it felt like the potential energy contained inside of it could level a city the size of New York.

I took a deep breath, moved to the couch, and grabbed Ember around the middle. She opened an eye at me, offended, but I wrapped her sleepy, limp body around my neck like a scarf and the warmth seemed to appease her for a moment before she oozed partially down my chest, keeping her head near my chin.

With my little mascot, I opened my contacts and pressed on Nick’s.

“Hey! Are you clear to come down?” He answered.

“No, Nick. I’m not coming down.” I said firmly. The phone shaking in my hand and my other hand tangled in Ember’s fur belied my strong tone.

“What? What do you mean you’re not coming down?” I gulped at his angry voice and the sound of him walking down an expanse of tile. “I can’t go back, Nick. I’m sorry.”

“Your father is dying and you won’t even go see him?” Nick shouted and something within me snapped.

“I was dying!” I growled. “I was dying and nobody even cared!”

“What are you talking about?”

“The entire time I spent praying for something to change inside of me, praying to be anyone else but me, I was fucking dying, Nick, and none of you gave a single shit. In order for me to survive, I can’t go back to that place.” My voice was shaking, but my hands were firm. “I’m not going to do that to myself, not again.”

“Are you kidding me? You’re seriously just being a baby? What about ‘Dad’s dying’ do you not understand?” Nick said incredulously.

“You’re not listening to a word I’ve said,” I spat, sitting forward on the couch. Ember shot me the evil-eye, but she stayed. What a good cat.

“Yes, I did! You said that you’re not going to come and see your dying father because he tried to raise you right.”

“No, I’m not coming to see the man who raised me to believe I was an abomination because I would like to live.” I growled, clenching my jaw. “I think we’re done here.”

“I think we are, too.” Nick said. “He’s going to be so disappointed.”

“So am I.”

I hung up the phone. I stood, cradling Ember in my arms. I sat back in my painting chair.

I bent, picking up the partially-dried paintbrush.

I rinsed it off, picking up more colour.

I started to paint.

--hawkwarrd

#25

Day 25.

I woke up just a few moments ago. That's why my handwriting is so sloppy. I'm sorry.

I didn't really sleep. I couldn't. All I could think about was that fucking phone call and my dad and my brother's unbearably loud voice screeching into my ear. I don't even need to read what I wrote last night again, I remember every single word like it was burnt into my brain. (I don't think I can, actually. Read what I wrote. I can't.)

Why did he even call me? Why did he have to call me?

Fuck. I don't want to go to work.

I wish I could grow vines from my body that would merge me with this bed. That's all I need. To just lie here and fucking sleep.

︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿

Update. I tried to sleep for the last 40 minutes and I couldn't. Even having Ember lying against my back didn't help.

I don't want to go to work. But I can't stay here without falling asleep. It'll only get things worse.

I just got a text from Leo. He asked if I'm okay and if I want him to call in sick for me.

You see that, diary? He cares about me more than my entire family combined. Unless he doesn't. Unless it's all a show and he actually doesn't care and nobody cares and I'll end up all alone again and my own fucking brain will keep on screaming and screaming until I take that rope again and ch

Sorry. I'm sorry. I wrote too hard and now your page is a bit ripped.

I told him I'll come.

︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿ Here we meet again diary. My damaged diary, just like me.

Today was… odd. It was… bad, but… somehow… I dunno. Sometimes it was okay, and other times… it was a disaster.

I was late to work but Greg said it was okay. He was in charge again so he put me in the cleaning product section, to put the new price stickers on the products that were on sale. Then he told me to put in the cans in order and do some stuff like that.

I went to lunch with Leo again but nothing that big this time. We sat outside and ate some sandwiches he made (they were perfect. Cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and salty butter. I couldn't ask for a better homemade lunch than that. I didn't, actually, he just brought it and shared it with me and made my morning better), and just watched the people go in front of us. We played that game I play with myself sometimes, and tried to guess where they went and why.

We saw a woman hastily talking on her phone while walking fast. Leo said she was a lawyer late for court, and I said she was just late to meet her friends somewhere.

We saw a guy and a girl (I said girlfriend, Leo said sister) sit not far from us and laughed at something they saw on their laptop. Leo said they were looking at puppy photos while I said they saw a funny post on tumblr.

We saw a guy walking slowly with a small girl, and while Leo said it was her uncle taking her to eat ice cream, I said it was her brother taking her to the near park, to ride the carousel.

Leo looked at me and asked, “what, like Holden and Phoebe from The Catcher in The Rye?”

I smiled at him, all proud that he recognized what I was talking about. “Yeah. Why not? All he needs is a hunting hat.” I said.

He laughed. “It's my favorite book, you know,” he told me.

“I know now,” I said, and he looked down shyly like only he can, with his freckled cheeks red and his green eyes hidden. So that part of the day was the good part. The only good part.

Even before rush-hour, my luck was running out. I dropped products, I bumped into things. I discovered that I put all the sale prices in the wrong place in the morning and had to rearrange two entire sections. I was already frustrated by the unnecessary work I made for myself, and the embarrassing stuff that I did - I was not ready to spend the rest of my day there.

But I couldn't go home, either.

And then, some point in the afternoon, the store was stuffed. Since it's a Friday, everyone wanted to hurry and buy everything before the weekend.

Which is exactly why I hate Friday shifts so much.

I stood in the dairy section in the back. Once in a while, some random customer asked for help. I tried to stay friendly, at least on the outside. The noise creeped into my bones but I did my best not to let it stress me more than it already did.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and it made me jump. I looked at it and saw it was a message.

It was from Sean.

I couldn't even look at what it said. I just turned off the screen and put it back in my pocket.

At first, I didn't even notice that I was shaking. I kept on gulping and licking my lips, like I was thirsty, even though I wasn't.

Why? Why did he text me again?

My phone vibrated again (and made me jump again) - but more than once this time. Someone was calling, but I didn't want to look at it. I didn't want to see who it was, in case that it was him. I just - I couldn't handle him, I just couldn't. And I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of hearing me break. Because that's what he did, that's what he always fucking did, what he was best at - I couldn't calm down, even after I turned off my phone completely. I looked at other parts of the store, to see if I could see Leo, or Greg, or Susan, anybody, but I couldn't see any of them ; they were all too far away, too busy. The entire damn place was too fucking busy and I felt like it was getting too much.

I had to get out. I had to get out but I couldn't. My legs were stuck in their place and there were too many people and too much noise and too much to do.

Fuck. Even writing it now makes me want to puke.

I saw someone. Someone that looked just like him. And for a moment, I was certain that it was him, that he found me, that he actually found out where I am and that he came to get me.

I couldn't breathe. Each inhale I took felt like fire, just like my eyes did when I blinked. I couldn't hear anything but the blood that rushed in my ears. At some point I must have lost my balance cause suddenly my shoulder hurt, and when I looked to my side I saw I bumped into one of the refrigerators, but I couldn't fucking move. It was too hot and too cold at the same time and I could barely stand and I felt like my lungs were tied up and I shook like mad and my throat hurt as if I was screaming (did I? Or was it just from crying?).

Someone put their hand on my shoulder and I jumped and slapped it away. I couldn't really see properly but I just knew that people were looking at me and gathered around me and I just needed to get the fuck out of there, get away from him, get away from everybody, I couldn't fucking breathe -

Suddenly, a familiar voice reached my ear. Leo was calling my name, asking “can you hear me? Can you hear me?”

Somehow I managed to nod. I blinked through the tears and saw his huge piercing green eyes. “Look at me,” he said, “Breathe with me. In,” he took a deep breath, “and out,” he exhaled. He repeated it slowly, just for me, until I felt the fists that squeezed my lungs gradually let go. He encouraged me and guided me until I could breathe without needing to fight for it.

I was numb, for a few moments. Or maybe in shock. But it was quiet, finally quiet, and I needed that, just for a few more minutes. I didn't even notice he took me outside.

“Here,” he whispered, and gave me a bottle of water. My hand was still shaky when I took it, and slowly soothed my sore throat with it. It helped the breathing, too.

“May I ask you what happened?” Leo asked, so gently, so emotionally. I turned to him and felt my eyes burn again. My vision was blurry with tears and I… I tried to speak. I did.

“It’s just… I thought I saw…” I bit my lip as I tried to stop myself from crying again, but it was useless. “That I saw someone that... “

I couldn’t really continue the sentence, but he got it. I looked down at the ground and when I raised my eyes back at him again, I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I leaned my forehead against his shoulder and I cried, letting the tears stream down my face and right into his shirt. I don’t even know for how long I cried but he kept on holding me the entire time. I could feel his arms fold around me, and he was just so tender, so careful, just like he could. One of his hands cupped the back of my head, and his other arm just kept me close, as if I’m going to collapse again. My fist gathered his shirt at some point, and I almost hugged him back.

I don’t know how long passed, but he didn’t let go, even when I was done. And I let him. No one ever… comforted me like that before. No hug ever felt so safe.

When I raised my head to wipe away the trails of my tears, I saw he was crying too.

“Leo…?” I blinked at him, all confused and guilty. “No, no… it’s not your fault,” he laughed through his tears. “I just cry very easily… I just… can’t stay indifferent, you know? Especially when I know what it’s like. I’m sorry, it’s… it’s stupid.”

I managed to smile, if only for a moment. “It’s not stupid.”

He saw I was still trembling and weak, so he suggested to ask Greg to let us take the rest of the day off. “My apartment is only one bus stop away,” he told me. “You can stay in my place until you feel better.”

Despite myself, I nodded. In other situations I would’ve been awkward or flustered at such a suggestion, but… I knew I needed this. I couldn’t go back to work… and I couldn’t go back to my place. Not after this… not when the rope is in there, just a drawer away.

We went to Greg together, and Leo told him I didn’t feel well, and that he needed to escort me. Fortunately, Greg was very understanding, and let us go pretty easily.

We then went to the locker room, to take our stuff. I saw he left me a sticky note this morning, one that I didn’t notice before, and I promised myself to leave one back for him the next time I get the chance.

He paid for us both on the bus, and led me to the back door inside of it. I watched the houses and trees rush in my sight while the bus moved, and felt like they were running away from me (but Leo didn’t). Before I knew it, we reached our stop.

His apartment was on the ground floor of the first building to the left of the bus-stop. He kicked the snow that piled up by the door, pressed the numbers for the entry code and let us both in.

We both took our shoes off by the door. He hung his coat in the corner and told me to do the same. “You can put your stuff here in the corner, so everything’ll dry up,” he said. “And you can go ahead and sit on the couch, I’ll make us some tea.”

I did as he said and went to sit on the couch. I felt a bit awkward at first, and would have been much more so if I wasn’t so tired. It was a small place, smaller than mine. He had a small kitchen just by his living room, and the bathroom was just near his bedroom. It was tidy and warmed up immediately when he turned the heater on, and just felt so… homey. The orange light from the lamp made it even more so.

“There,” he stepped slowly and put a wooden tray on the table in front of me. There were two mugs on it, and beside them, a sugar container and a spoon. “Peppermint and lavender. Do you like sugar in your tea?”

I nodded and mumbled, “one.”

He added sugar to my cup and then went to his bedroom, only to come back with a blanket. I was about to decline, but he already put it around my shoulders and it just felt so soft. The teacup warmed my hands up and I could feel myself relax, little by little.

He sat beside me and we drank our tea in silence.

“I’m sorry… about all this.” I finally managed to say, somehow. Words never came out easily for me after a panic attack.

“No, don’t be. Please,” Leo told me. He brought his legs up and bent them flatly on the couch, with his knees turning towards me. “I’m glad to help. And I want you to know that you don’t need to feel obligated to explain anything, okay? I know you explained a little before but if you’re not comfortable with elaborating, then I respect that. I just want you to feel… safe. Do you feel a bit better now?”

I nodded and brought the mug up to my lips again. After a few more gulps, I could feel that the herbs were actually helping. “Thank you…”

“Of course.” We finished our beverages and continued to sit there, comfortably silent. Then we talked for a while, about other things. Leo showed me some photos of his sisters and his dog. In turn, I turned on my phone, swiped away the message notification (and the missed call one) so I won’t have to see it every time I look at the screensaver, and showed him the only picture I had of Ember. He said she was the sweetest kitten he’s ever seen. I told him how I adopted her and promised to take some more photos to show him.

I spent much more time there than I thought I would. It was already dark outside when I decided I should go. Even though I ended up napping there for a while before that. He didn’t even wake me; when I woke up on my own from my dreamless sleep, he said he didn’t mind. He had a book on his lap and his phone beside him.

“Besides… it’s nice to have someone around here. You’re the first visitor I have here.” He said. It somehow made me feel a bit… special.

Not long after that, I put my coat on and took my things. He suggested taking me home, but I didn’t want him to bother that much for me.

Apparently he was very stubborn when he really wanted to be.

“I’m not letting you go all the way by yourself, not when it’s so cold, and not in this hour. I have my car here, I’ll take you.” He said.

Before I could say no again, he already put his shoes and coat on (I didn’t bring my own car to work today so I didn’t have any other excuse).

Leo’s car is small and old, but functions well. He said his oldest sister left it for him, and that’s why there also was a leftover smell of cigarettes (Leo hates that smell. Good thing neither of us smokes) that he tried to mask with an air freshener. I told him my address, and we were good to go.

The roads were almost completely empty. People in this town don’t use their cars much, not for Friday nights anyways. Most of the bars and pubs are in the center. I fell asleep during the ride, and before I knew it, Leo woke me up to let me knew we arrived. His hand was gentle and warm against my shoulder, and for a moment, I was tempted to invite him in.

I couldn’t, though. I didn’t want him to see that shithole. Not tonight.

I put my hand on the handle, but I didn’t open the door just yet. I licked my lips nervously and looked down, a bit in a loss of words. I wanted to thank him again, I wanted to tell him that I have no idea where I’d be by now if he wasn’t there, but… somehow, I didn’t find the right words, at the time.

I looked at him, and he smiled in understanding.

And then he hugged me. It was a bit uncomfortable, because of our sitting position in the car, but it wasn’t unwelcomed. It was a different kind of hug than before, but it still felt… protective. Safe. I liked it. (I didn’t want it to end)

I tried to make a lame joke before I let go completely. I don’t even remember the exact phrasing cause it was that lame, but it was something like, “I’d invite you in but I’m late on feeding my cat and I don’t want my first visitor to be eaten alive…”

At least it made him laugh. His clear, beautiful laugh that you can just tell it’s so sincere. Even from a stupid joke, just like that.

We said goodbye and I got out, and he waited until he saw me getting into my house before he drove away.

I fed Ember. I changed into my jacket-and-random-pants pajamas…

And that’s it. The most roller-coaster day I’ve had in a long while.

I decided to keep my phone as far away from me as I could tonight, and put it to charge in the socket on the other side of the room. If I don’t hear the alarm, at least I’ll have Ember to fill in for it.

So maybe this morning wasn’t the only good part of the day today…

And at least now, I can try to have some sleep. Who knows. Maybe I’ll manage, this time.

- hadar

#26 - BLANK DAY

#27

I may or may not have spent most of yesterday in bed.

I did. I only got up to pee and take a shit.

I needed the rest, though maybe not as much as I got. The more I slept the more I feared waking up, and every time my eyes flickered closed like old lamps in desert hospital hallways, I found myself where I didn’t want to be.

My mind took me there, diary. I saw him in his deathbed, and he extended his hand to me. Hands that were heavy on my body, weakened by delusion, perhaps seeing a child he no longer had but pretended God was merciful enough to grant him the vision of my presence nevertheless.

”My beautiful child,” he whispered in a voice that used to tuck me in bed until it became coated in venom. He was glad to see that my hair is short now; he always said that I shouldn’t have it as long as I liked it at the time, that I’d spend more water washing it and each extra dollar towards the water company was one less dollar towards the church charity pot on Sunday. For a brat of fifteen, it made me want to grow it over my shoulders, only to taunt him. Every day he pointed out that it had grown and laughed about it. Playfully, for anyone who didn’t know better, but each low chuckle was a warning I chose to ignore for the sake of rebellion. I’ll never forget the day when he grabbed a fistful of my hair, jerked me backwards and cut it himself. One swift, clean lick of a scissors. But that’s straying from the point. In this… fucked up psychic dimension that was my dream, my father extended his hand to me and said he missed me.

He fucking missed me…?

Nick was there too, smiling with his hands resting on our mother’s padded jacket. She smiled too, head tilting to the side as it always did, nails long and pointy, polish of a color that looked ridiculous in a woman of her age, fingers adorned with jewels we could never afford so she took to her own measures to have other men paying for them on the side.

”My beautiful child, please… Come closer.”

In my dream - I was nauseated, choking on bile, my stomach twisting and revolting at the mere thought of being touched by those calloused hands again - I walked to him. I let him fuck no FUCK get away DON’T TOUCH ME touch me and he guided me closer to him, pulling me until he could reach my face and he SHIT STOP PLEASE DON’T DO THIS PLEASE I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE kissed my forehead. ”My beautiful child,” he said again, ”I’m glad that God gave me a chance. I’m glad that God gave me you.” His hands - weaker than before, one of them connected to a serum pumping machine - curled around my neck. The grip was fragile, barely even squeezing, but I was contorting already, quivering in anticipation, feeling my air lines cutting in advance, heart bursting frantically as if it were scared to be beating for the last time and it was.

”But you’re broken, my child, you’re twisted into a monster. But that’s okay. God will save you just like he saved me.”

The ghost whips of a leather belt stung on a skin that never forgot the pain, a mind that struggled to keep up to the “treatment”, to the sick… attempt at “fixing” something that I had no control over. In my dream I was crying, and I woke up crying just as hard.

Ember, perhaps unknowingly, purred a soothing melody as she curled up to me. It was a song I never heard, but I sobbed against her fur until she tri-pawed away to chase a fly. I was calmer by then, arguably sober in a mental sense, the aftermath of the dream pressing my body further under the sheets. I found myself wondering why I kept the rope. Was it a trophy to remind myself that my cursed timeline could have ended but I pushed through like a champ? Or was it just so I could fantasize about having it around my neck again? I weighed a few thoughts on the second option.

I heard footsteps on the hallway and my heart stilled. I knew it couldn’t be him, but I still hid until I heard a familiar voice.

“Rise and shine, sugar plum.” Greg said from the other side of the door, choosing to tap a few knocks on the surface of the door over ringing the annoying buzz of the bell. I appreciated that, and he knew so.

Greg… He doesn’t talk much. But he always says what I need to hear, even if I don’t want to hear it. Today’s “I don’t want but I definitely need” was, “I’m picking you up for lunch.”

He introduced himself to and played with Ember while I showered and got dressed.

Sunday meals at Greg’s were the absolute opposite of what I used to have back home in Arizona; he had so many people over on the weekend I often considered it smothering. His living grandma on his dad’s side, his parents and parents in law, brothers, sisters, nephews, and sometimes the lonely neighbour who had lost his wife to cancer and always repeated the story of how they had met, over and over, until he saw at least one eye around the table getting teary. Greg’s partner was always there too, of course. My family was never that large, but the silence and the mandatory praying and the television weather report and the roast and the elephant in the room everyone refused to acknowledge, it was all so suffocating--

Me and Greg met online when I was a dumb kid of twelve, playing with an online mask of a twenty year old. It was a thing us stupid kids did back then, trying to be grown ups where no one could prove that we were simply trying on a shoe a few sizes too big for our tiny feet. Greg, he was twenty-one at the time and had just finished high school a few years late, but it was done and that was all that mattered. He tried for college but never made it in. He doesn’t regret it.

He found out about the almost-catfish a few weeks after we started talking, but he never brought it up. Again, he never says anything he doesn’t have to. We spoke every now and then and when I noticed, I had stopped pretending I wasn’t myself.

I told him about wanting to leave my house. He understood.

He’s the reason I had somewhere to stay after I ran away from my family. From Sean. This apartment, in fact, belonged to his younger sister, before she moved to Europe with her fiance. He’s the reason I even have a fucking job. I can never thank him enough for everything he did for me without me ever asking. That’s probably why I never say no to him. Today, it was just us. No overly large family. Just… us. Family, too, in a way.

“Andy’s gone out with his college buddies. Some sort of weekend-long bonding camping trip. He sent pics, you can see them on my phone if you want? It’s over there.” He said as he chopped an onion without looking at the cutting board. I feared for his fingertips, but years of practice had him confident in his technique.

Ah yes. Greg? He cooks amazingly. He and his husband are gym-pumped vegan beasts, and most people would scrunch their noses at being presented with a dish of soy over beef, but the way he seasons the food is just-- chef emoji, super yum, 100/10, putting Rich Landau’s worldwide famous plant based meals to shame. I could drool all over a plate before eating it - ravishing it, rather. I hate carrots, but Greg’s roasted carrot purée is crazy d i v i n e and I could feed on nothing but that for the rest of my pitiful life.

I should have taken a picture à la Instagram, dear diary, but I left my phone charging at home, so I’ll have to leave it for another day. He promised he’d have me over more often, even when I said he didn’t have to. He insisted that he wanted to have me there. That I was always welcome. I pretty much only needed to say the word and he’d have a front door key ready for me.

We ate (have I mentioned how bloody DELICIOUS it was???), he made a stupidly quick yet delightful dessert and we lazed the day away in the couch, his arm around me, my head on his shoulder, our legs up on the coffee table (if Andy were there, he wouldn’t approve of that). Both of us had already watched that Schwarzenegger movie like eleven times, but still we sat through it until we fell asleep. I had no nightmares.

When we woke up, it was to a key on the front door and Andy walking in. He had a whole bunch of new pictures and stories to share. It was dinner time by then, and even though I wasn’t too hungry yet, I could never say no to more of that meal, so we ate leftovers from lunch and heard all about his adventures with people I never knew of.

Greg drove me back home close to midnight with a tupperware full of another portion of his food. Before he drove off, he asked me, with all sincerity, if I was okay.

Diary, I wanted to lie and say “yes”. I always did, it was a reply that came out on autopilot. That I was fine and that the embarrassing panic attack I had on Friday was caused over some stupid anxiety, nothing I couldn’t get over with a little more sleep and more of that purée.

But I thought of Leo. How concerned he was. I thought of my day with Greg, how I owed him so much but he never asked for anything at all, and I thought of the amputee cat waiting for me to feed her just upstairs. I thought of how much of a carcass I was in the lonely night of December 31st 2018, how I was so prepared to embrace death as one last attempt at feeling anything at all and how I stood up to Nick like I had been too much of a coward to do before.

And then I said yes. And when I said yes, diary, I said it because I meant it. In Greg’s smile, I noticed he too noticed.

When I got home, I petted Ember, fed her, but she barely ate, choosing to follow me around and rub on my legs instead. I unplugged my phone off the charger to open my messaging app and read Leo’s concerned texts and reply to them as fast as my cold fingers could type on the screen of my smartphone. Pressing backwards when I waited for a reply, my eyes drifted down to see one text from Susan - missed call - and the one from Sean’s number. I found myself praying, for the first time in a very long time.

I prayed that it wasn’t true. I prayed that I read them wrong, that it was the wrong number, that it meant nothing. But I read those words again and again, and they were right there. Mocking me. Taking whatever security I had gained over foundations of sand and crashing them down like a salted wave of restlessness. Greg was one phone call away, but my phone fell on the floor and cracked the screen and I couldn’t find it through my tears.

XXX-XXX-XXX: I found you.

Dear diary. That rope on my drawer is suddenly looking very inviting again.

#28

Day 28. (somehow)

I woke up so many times at night, I can barely call it sleep. Even now, after I put my phone on the other side of the room again, that message still haunts me. Mocks me. Whispers in my ear like a damn ghost, settling in my head like a tumor. Like only he can do.

As I said before. He wasn't the only reason, but he had a huge part in my decision to leave. I can't even elaborate on that, it'll make me - it'll make me want to rip you apart, diary, and I can't do that. Not to the only thing I can rely on with my thoughts and secrets.

Dammit.

Knowing that he found me gives me such chills, I can barely write properly. I tried doing those breathing exercises Greg had taught me but nothing helps.

I want the ground to swallow me whole. I want a lightning to strike me right here and now. I want…

I don't know what the fuck I want.

What do I do now? Do I run away again? Do I wait and see what happens? Do I call him and tell him to leave me alone no, hell no. Definitely not. Not gonna happen. If I listen to his voice, I'll scream.

Fuck him fuck him fuck him. Why can't he just leave me alone? Why can't he just let me be and let me move on with my life?

It hasn’t been this long since the year started. But I finally have something good here, you know? I have Leo and Greg and my job and Ember. I have the lake to sit by and the park to go through to local events.

I have my freedom, something I used to only fantasize about not even that long ago. Finally, I can choose where to go and what to do; not my dad, not my brother and definitely not him. Neither of them controls me anymore. None of them can tell me who I am and who I should be.

At least… That's what I want to believe, diary. That's what I want to believe.

… I hate him. I hate that he makes me feel so weak and confused. I hate that with three little words, he can crush me into dust and take away the one thing I ever wanted.

To feel safe. My phone made that special sound I put especially for Leo so I'd know that it's him. He said good morning and sent a cute lion emoji instead of his name.

I'll get ready for work soon.

︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵

Even going to work was a nightmare. That text Sean sent me was stuck in my head, and I couldn't shake the feeling that with every step I made, he made two. It made me anxious. The only good thing about the cold and the snow was that it somehow managed to chill my body, even underneath my coat, because it was too hot even in that weather.

I had to stop thinking about it.

Not long before I needed to start my shift, I bought myself some coffee and some cookies to share with Leo and Sylvia at work. When I got there, I left him a sticky note like I promised myself I would, and he himself showed up not long after me. We shared some cookies and talked, then I gave the rest to Sylvia. She said she'd bring them to her grandchildren, cause chocolate-chips cookies are their favorite.

The shift was rather calm today. Not many people are coming on Mondays, especially not in this weather, so we mainly focused on cleaning and organizing things (it was nice to keep myself occupied, otherwise I'd probably had another panic attack by then). I spent most of the time with Leo while Sylvia was in the cash stand. The three of us had a lunch break together after that, because she insisted and we didn't have the heart to say no. Turned out she brought enough food to feed an elephant, and we ate much more than either of us hoped.

I'm so grateful I had their company today. It didn't undo what Sean did, and let me tell you, I will most likely think about it every day because I can't stand the thought of him trying to find me, maybe he's even watching me-- but… they did help me, a lot. Having them with me kept me… sane. I jumped when I got a message on my phone later in the afternoon, but luckily, it was safe this time. It was Simon, one of the people that volunteer with me in the animal shelter (he's a bit of a dick, but all in all he's okay). He said he broke his arm so he won't be able to be around in the near future. We're pretty much always short on staff, especially ever since the snow started, and our manager, as understanding as she was, kind of freaked out about losing another volunteer. She really cares about the animals in the shelter - she's the one who brought in most of them.

Turning to Leo was my first and only option.

It was towards the end of his shift that I asked him if he wanted to meet me up later and go with me to the shelter. To my surprise (or maybe not), he immediately agreed, and even offered to buy some stuff on his way to get me.

It was only me and Sylvia until I she'd give me the o.k to go, and that entire time I did my best to remain somewhat busy, to keep my mind from wandering towards those three cursed words I have on my phone.

So I drew. I drew the store around me to the tiniest detail. I drew Sylvia sitting behind the counter, writing stuff in her notepad.

I drew Leo out of memory. That one I kept in my locker, later. Leo came to get me around 7pm. When I got into his car, I saw he bought much more than any other volunteer I've met until now. When I asked him about it, he said most of the things were stuff he found in one of his sisters’ bags in his apartment, and the others he bought on the way. He refused to tell me how much it cost so I wouldn't be able to pay back some of the money he spent. I gave him the instructions on how to get there while we were on our way, and he was glad to see part of the city he didn't get the chance to see before.

Later, he stuttered something that I didn't understand at first, and he blushed even more when I asked him what he said. “I - I asked if you're still up to go out with me to the art store on our payday?”

I choked on my own saliva and coughed like crazy for a whole minute. He told me to take his bottle of water from his bag behind me, and while I did, it finally occurred to him that what he said was… That. He began to apologize and say he didn't mean to make me uncomfortable, but I somehow managed to tell him that it was alright. He even said I could call it off if I wanted to, but I told him I never said no. When he turned quiet, I knew it was because he was flustered, even when I didn't look. So I said, “You know, payday is the day after tomorrow… so I guess we can go then.”

He quietly agreed, and right before our silence could become awkward, we arrived at the shelter.

I introduced him to the manager, Georgia, and she showed us in instantly after we brought her the all the stuff Leo brought. She asked me about Ember and I showed her the most recent photo I took. She was more than happy to see the cat already looked bigger and healthier. She said she liked really happy to be with me (I'd like to believe that, too). Leo loved it there. He was so excited to help so many kinds of animals in one place, and he was actually good at it. He was charmed by Georgia's story of how she opened this place last spring, all on her own, and how she managed to keep it stable up until now.

I showed him Shelly, the conure that's still really fond of me, but she didn't like him very much. She even tried to bite his finger (how can anyone not like Leo, I will never know).

We spent our time there helping Georgia around until the shelter closed at 9pm. Then we went to grab something to eat (ate Chinese takeaway in his car) and Leo drove me back home.

He stopped me before I got out of his car, by gently putting his hand just above my elbow.

“S-so… the day after tomorrow. Right?” he asked. Maybe he was still feeling bad that he called it a “going out” thing, but… it was cute. That he wanted to just make sure, I mean.

“Yeah. The day after tomorrow,” I confirmed. I smiled at him and that seemed to put his mind at ease.

And now I'm right here, diary, writing to you in a slightly better mood than I was this morning.

I'm kind of excited about tomorrow. More than kind of, actually. I'll go out with Leo and we'll have fun.

But if I'll be honest, I'm… I'm scared. I am. I never admitted that and I didn't think I would, but… You're the only one I can say that to. I don't know what I'll do if the messages continue, or if Sean starts to call more often. Fuck, I don't know what I'll do if he ever shows up.

But for now… I need to keep it together. For my own sanity, at least.

Or at least, I need to try.

-hadar

#29

One of these days, I am going to wake up and my first thoughts won’t go to the noose in my drawer.

Today is not one of those days.

I feel like someone is playing tug-of-rope, and I’m neither on the winning side nor the losing side.

I’m the rope.

One moment, I’ll feel like things are looking up. Like things aren’t all that bad.

The very next I’ll remember the missed calls and the texts on my phone.

It appears that ignoring Sean only made him worse. As I stood at the cash register, I was sure that my phone was ringing off the hook in my locker.

Leo seemed to notice how distracted I was and he kept eyeing me between customers. He’d look like he decided on what to say, but once we were alone, he changed his mind.

I didn’t blame him. I had to look like some kind of wraith, haunting register number three in a fugue.

He broke when we went on lunch together when Sylvia came in.

“Are you okay?”

Something in my locker buzzed.

“I—”

Something in my locker buzzed.

“You’ve been a little out of it all day,” Leo said, tossing his head.

Something in my locker buzzed.

That was an understatement, I thought.

Something in my locker buzzed.

I must have looked like I was on another planet.

Something in my locker buzzed. ‘A little out of it’ was such a nice way to put it. Something in my locker buzzed.

“Should you… Get that?” Leo asked.

I snapped.

“No!” I shouted, standing up and slamming my hands on the table. Leo flinched back, eyes wide in surprise. “If I get it, I’m going to throw it into the canal and I’m going with it,” I snarled.

Something in my locker buzzed.

Leo stood up and walked over to my locker, pulling out my phone.

“Who the hell is calling you like this?” He asked, holding it out from his person like it was poisoned. “You have forty missed calls. It’s not your brother, is it?”

“No,” I whispered. “It isn’t.”

“You don’t have to tell me, but feel free on the walk.”

“The walk?” I said dumbly. He thrusted his jacket at me.

“The walk. I’m going to find Greg. Put this on.”

He stalked out of the lunchroom. He looked livid and I wondered how I could have pissed him off so quickly, so easily.

I hoped he’d at least let me down easy.

Leo came back, Greg in tow.

The phone was still ringing.

“You guys can take the day.” Greg said, giving me a worried once-over. I still held my jacket, standing in the middle of the lunchroom. “I’ll work the registers. Don’t worry about clocking out.”

“Thank you,” Leo said, voice still a little clipped. “C’mon. Out you get.”

I followed Leo as I climbed into my jacket. He still held my phone, and he looked down at the screen.

“Calling again.” He snarled, his upper lip curling. Where was shy, gentle Leo? “This is gonna stop. Now.”

“What are we doing?” “We’re going to the store and changing your number.” Leo said, full of piss and vinegar. “I don’t know who Sean is, I don’t care who Sean is, but you look miserable and I’m not going to sit here and watch someone harass you like this. Fuck him, fuck this phone, fuck the black cloud that’s been around you all day,”

He ranted, turning down the street toward the cell phone branch.

“God, fuck this.” He finished, shaking the phone in front of him with a snarl.

“Are you… Okay?” I asked, slowing my walk. Leo had marched out of the store with a vengeance, setting a breakneck pace toward the store. He slowed with me and shot me a confused look.

“Am I okay? What about you?” He asked, a little more of the gentle Leo that I knew. “I’m sorry, I should have asked before I went on a crusade…” He trailed off.

“No, no. I really appreciate this, honestly.” I admitted. “I wouldn’t have done this by myself.”

“How long has this been going on?” Leo held open the door to the store for me.

“A few days.” I said, tossing my shoulder like I hadn’t lost sleep over this. “A few…! Okay, yeah, this is getting done today,” He said, marching up to the desk.

The clerk looked a little overwhelmed at the start, but Leo eventually calmed down enough to stop turning to me and reading me the riot act mid-transaction.

A few of Leo’s greatest hits:

“I don’t know who this person is, but they don’t get to call you a thousand times and make you feel like shit, okay?” --While the woman was asking for my customer information

“Who would even harass you anyway? You’ve never done anything wrong in your life!” – After we’d handed the phone over

“I bet they don’t even have anything to say. This is illegal! Do they know that? We should go down to the police after this, I bet Greg would come, Sylvia too, we would all go with you,” –As she was waiting for Sean to stop calling so that she could access the settings in my phone

Once the whole thing was said and done, we’d been there a half hour. I felt like a flannel, wrung out and left to dry.

Tired, exhausted, and thoroughly told off, but… Good. Having Leo make a big deal out of this and validate my panic over the past few days felt… Good. I thought I’d been making a big deal out of nothing, acting like a baby, but watching Leo, calm, gentle, Leo, fly into a fit over a few phone calls was somehow far more comforting than I’d ever thought.

“Thank you, ma’am.” Leo said, taking the phone back and turning to me.

“Can I go home?” I asked, taking the proffered mobile.

“Of course. I’ll walk you.”

We were quiet for a few blocks, Leo’s righteous rage stemmed for the time being.

“I didn’t overstep, did I?” Leo finally asked. My apartment building was in sight.

“No. I… Thank you.” I said, looking down at my feet. “Thanks for caring.”

“You deserve somebody to care about you, okay?” He said gently, putting his hand on my shoulder. “Whatever this is, you don’t have to tell me right now, but whatever it is, you don’t have to do it alone.”

“I’ll tell you.” I promised. “Just not right now, okay? I’m… Exhausted.” I admitted.

“That’s understandable. I already have your number, so call me if you need anything. Or if whoever that was calls back. Alright?”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me,” Leo said, chuckling. “Get some sleep. Big day tomorrow, eh?”

“Art shop!” I said, twinkling my fingers with a smile.

“Art shop… Date.” Leo said, stiltedly. He inclined his head. “If that’s okay?”

“That’s… Okay.” I said, fighting a smile and nodding. “It’s totally okay.”

“Okay,” Leo said, perking up slightly. “Okay! Okay,”

“Okay,” I laughed. He stopped and shook his head at the absurdity of our conversation.

“Okay!” He said, breaking into a big smile and laughing with me.

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.” “I’ll pick you up?” He said, hopefully. I grinned one last time.

“Okay.” --hawkwarrd

#30

Wednesday. January 30th.

  I don’t know why, but I woke up feeling a lot better today.

  I’m not sure what it was; maybe it was the sheer caring Leo had shown in helping me deal with Sean yesterday. Maybe it’s the thought of our date (our date, diary) later today (today!), or the fact that I actually got out of bed at a reasonable hour this morning, or… I don’t know. I’m not sure I want to. It’s the first time I’ve been mildly happy in… years, honestly,  I can’t remember the last time I was – was I ever – I can’t- I don’t know I should know  and I’m not about to question it.

  I think if I mention it anymore it’s going to go away.

  And it almost does. The thought of the past few days come crashing down, and it takes all my energy to push them away. Even then they don’t leave entirely – how could they?

  Sean still knows where I am, doesn’t he or did he never know in the first place?

  What could have happened if Leo and Greg weren’t there.

  Honestly, as cliché and stupid as it sounds (and sorta makes me feel) he – Leo -- reminds me a bit of a prince. I mean, have you seen him? Messy perfect-length light-brownish, hint-of-red  hair, (not to be confused with an artful mess, just… a mess) -- how did he even see someone like me? It’s only a year’s difference but I feel so much older than him sometimes not to mention we have similar music tastes (I found out randomly during one shift that we both liked indie, alternative, and electro swing). Good god, if I don’t get out of this house now I’m going to die, aren’t I.

  The whole day seems to stretch by slowly, so slowly, until finally I look up from my pile of video games and books and lock eyes with the clock.

  2:40, twenty minutes before I’m supposed to pick up Leo from the store.

  I mean – it’s not like we set a particular time or anything. And.. he did say he was going to pick me up. But I know he gets off at 3:00 and it’s only a ten minute walk to the art store from there, and… I may or may not have wanted to stop by and walk there with him.

  It’s stupid.

  And yet, only a few seconds later, I find myself tugging on a sharp, patterned shirt and – whatever else it is when people want to impress their art store dates.

  I’m hopeless, aren't I? I pull into the store parking lot at 3:01 and see Leo walking out the door, finding myself running to catch up with him before he disappears into the crisp air and I have to walk by myself all the way there (because seriously? How weird would that look? Fuck my life but no way is that happening). His eyes light up with surprise and a little bit of pleasant happiness at my sudden appearance as I slide up next to him, looking at me as the cold turns his nose and ears an adorable but subtle shade of red. Or maybe that’s just me?

  “Hey,” he huffs, eyes sparkling, a little more forcefully than he needs to so he can watch his breath become visible. It’s not freezing, but it is January, and thus a bit chilly. Definitely medium-heavy coat weather, which… given from the light one he’s wearing, he doesn’t seem to have realized. Oh well.

  “Hey,” I muse awkwardly in response. My lungs burn a bit from my sprint across the parking lot but I don’t care.

  We fall into comfortable silence, neither knowing what to say. It’s only seven minutes before I see the art store a small ways ahead and glance at him and his strange green eyes, my question rolling off my tongue as we approach our destination. “What kind of art do you like making? Or,” I correct myself, “I guess, what would you like to make?”

  He looks a bit startled, like he hadn’t even considered that. “I’m- not sure. I used to sketch a lot more when I was younger, but I- fell out of practice. A lot of it was pretty bad anyhow.” This time the red across his cheeks is a definite blush, and I think it’s so cute I might be blushing myself. I feel so detached from the events of the last few days and, from the sheer calmness he’s displaying, he does too. It seems like so much drama has happened that even the cool (but not frozen, like that around us only moments ago) rush of air as we step inside the store makes me grin, and I look at him. “We’re really doing this, aren’t we? I mean, who goes to an art store as their second date?”

  He grins right back at me. It feels… neat inside, and I suddenly realize what it’s been that made me feel so happy the whole day.

  I haven’t been in an art store in ages.

  And this is the first time I’ve ever been in one with someone I care about.

  Someone who cares about me.

  After all, Sean hardly counts.

  “I know, right?” Leo looks just as excited as I am. His response fell so in time with my thoughts that I’m taken aback for several seconds before realizing he’s just responding to my earlier joke.

︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵

We leave the store almost two hours later (to be fair, we looked at everything), me with some new paints at my side and some good pencils, pens, and a sketch pad at Leo’s. Neither of us have mentioned the past few days – if we want to be happy, I imagine, it should be now. It’s a date; Me and Leo (Leo and I)  and the art store, not… Leo and me and the art store and… everything else. God, what have I dragged him into? He doesn’t- he doesn’t need this.

  But he must notice the death of my slight smile because his slips away too, and he purposefully yet gently bumps into my shoulder with a concerned twist of his expressive eyebrows. “Hey, you okay, Luz?”

  Am I ever?

  I’m trying to push the emotions away, far away. I can’t let them ruin this moment. It’s too important to me. Leo’s… too important to me. “Yea,” I say, observing the air from my mouth as it becomes visible just like he did when I first caught up with him. I get a strange feeling.

  It’s obvious he doesn’t buy it and he, being no-one else but Leo, stops with a worried (and then understanding) shift in his eyes. “Is- this about yesterday? Because I- I did say I was- again, I’m- sorry if I overstepped- “

  “No, it’s not… I dunno. The past few days have just been… insane. It’s terrifying. And… I’m scared. Of what that’ll make me do.”

  Leo shuffles where he’s standing. It’s not an alarmed sort of shuffle, merely a sad one, as if he knows what I’m referencing and is familiar with the emotion(s) I’m trying to convey. It makes my heart break a little bit. No-one should have to understand. “Yea.”

  “But I’m glad- that you’re here. You don’t have to stay, but you do.” I stop speaking there because I’m upset I might reveal a bit too much. It’s startling how fast the mood changed.

  “Well, you’ll always have me.” It’s so quiet I wonder if I made it up entirely or if I just misheard what he said. Part of me hopes it was really what he meant to murmur, even if the rest of me feels too fuzzy inside at the hummed declaration to have an opinion yet.

  Then the moment has passed and he looks like he did before, flashing me a grin as he continues walking towards the store where are cars are at. I let it go and fall into step behind him. “Want me to drive you home?” He asks, twirling to walk backwards so he can watch my expression as I answer.

  “Okay.”

  The air around my house, I know, is no different than the air anywhere else, but it… experiences unique. Leo doesn’t mention the fact that I live in an apartment (because why should he, my mind supplies), instead focusing on teasing me about my hair (which now looks as bad as his). I’m tempted to point out his light jacket in return, because honestly it’s been bothering me since the beginning, but I leave it alone with a smile.

  “I had a good time,” he suddenly says. I look over at him.

  “So did I,” I respond, softly. I think it comes out a lot less awkwardly than I considered it might.

  “We should do it again.”

  “I agree.”

  So, nervously, he glances at me, and moves a little closer. (Finally, that sense of awkwardness I’ve been waiting for this whole damn date fills me). I know what he’s doing.

  And then he does it. It’s quick, almost misses because he’s shaking a bit. It’s clear this isn’t his first kiss, just as it isn’t mine – but this one seems like it matters. A lot more.

  Then he waves, even though we’re a foot apart now, and just hums “I’ll see you at work?” before sprinting across the apartment parking lot, back to his car and away from me.

- sher

#31

Day 31

The end of January. For most people, that means the end of striving for a New Year’s Resolution, or the beginning of a next phase, or the beginning of the end of something. Anything.

For me, I feel like it’s the end.

The end of… Something.

My phone was quiet for most of the morning. I worked until two today, then went home and fed Ember, puttering around making lunch for myself and tidying up.

I sat down and painted for a while, not really striving for anything but to get colour on the canvas. It looks like the stuff that I used to do while still in school. Not bad, just… Different.

January 31st feels like the end. I feel like I’ve been waiting forever, yet not long at all.

Time has moved so slowly. Every day felt like a decade, but it still feels like only hours ago that I had that rough rope fixed around my neck and the cool wood of the chair beneath my feet. Thirty-one days.

A century.

You are only thirty-one days old, dear diary, and yet I feel like you know me more than any other force on the planet. You are older than time. Older than myself. Civilizations were born and died in your lifespan, watching over each of these thirty-one days with the cool composure of a stone sentinel. Never offering your wisdom, nor telling my secrets.

The secrets, the musings, the crossed-out, scribbled words kept beneath your bindings carry more weight than Atlas carried on his shoulders.

For me, anyway.

To a random passer-by, to a person on the street, they are meaningless. Imperceptive eyes would skim past, reading the words written on my heart turned inside-out and wonder what they could mean. One could look up each word in a dictionary, find the definitions and the nuances in the English language, but would one find the meaning?

Do they mean much to you, diary? Are your arms tired and your back strained from carrying the leaden words I’ve scrawled upon you in a fever-pitch haste to exorcise them from myself? Some days I wonder if this is better for me than simply allowing everything to pass me by.

Writing it down makes all of these things seem real. It gives the passing of time sustinence, body, a corporeal form to drift through this apartment, just as much of a resident as Ember or myself.

Thirty-one days.

Thirty-one more opportunities for quiet car conversations. For walking around an art store and feeling like touching everything, dreaming up ways to use it, ways to craft it, ways to make it mine. For pizza, for ice skating, for crying on the small streets.

For being held.

For holding.

Thirty-one more days to allow the dust to gather on that length of rope.

Thirty-one more mornings to watch as other people go about theirs.

Thirty-one more evenings to sit and listen to the city while I make dinner.

Thirty-one more afternoons to actually create, something I haven't done properly in years.

Dear diary, here’s to the next thirty-one. --cryptidkickflip

#ADAO #entries #21 to 31 #january #2019 #writing #creative writing #collab #mass collaboration #art #doodle

[toastydoodles]

(Art Blog) | (Twitter) | (Instagram) | (Storenvy)

((Had to get in one last post before the new year!))

I HAD THE MOST STRESSFUL FUN THIS OCTOBER doing these three conventions three weeks in a row, not to mention doing multi-day conventions for the first time! There were ups and downs but I had so much fun and by the end of my con season my brain was utterly fried!!

Thank you so so much to everyone who stopped by, and to those who followed me here sometime in the past couple months: Hello!! Thank you for supporting my art and I hope you enjoy your stay!!

That said, I’m gonna talk a bit about this con season. GET COMFY, ITS LONG

So con prep started in late August when I learned that I actually got into Kumori after having been on their waitlist for a while. I knew then that I REALLY had to kick my ass into gear lol

At this point, I was still in the middle of my 40 hr (+ 12 hr travel time) a week summer internship, so I didn’t have all day to work on my prints until the weekend, but my weekends were usually taken up spending time with loved ones and friends. Or gaming, since I didn’t have the time during the weekdays >_>

Then college came back around, giving me 4 classes, a student job doing graphic design, and club activities + homework! When I thought I’d have more free time, I actually had less! But with cons approaching, I drew more than I would have if I didn’t have cons AND found myself improving when it came to doing prints again.

The biggest issue popped up a week before BCC. LONG story short, I suddenly did not have a button maker to borrow anymore. I weighed my options: either lose money on potential button sales (which made up most of my sales in previous years) and shelf my button designs, or drop $500 on a button maker set to make them in time for Kumori and Jet City. This is also keeping in mind that I might not be able to do too many cons in the future.

I bought the button maker. But, since I am the luckiest daughter in the world, my parents swooped in to pay for it as an early Christmas present. I will be making so many wearable memes with this gift and I am GRATEFUL.

Another issue I ran into the WHOLE MONTH was not being able to take card. I’m forever rejected from Square (tl;dr, my phone glitched during signup and shredded through all the signup attempts I can possibly have. Customer service basically said “welp, sorry!”) and Paypal Here was entirely unhelpful, so I had to go the season as cash only. I won’t actually know how much this hurt sales, but it definitely hurt turning down some big purchases because I was one of the few vendors that didn’t take card!

I’ll definitely be looking into the alternatives for card readers soon! There’s a lot out there.

This year, I kept track of my sales and stock with excel sheets with formulas! It definitely kept things organized and helped me keep track of stock and see where patterns were, if any. It wasn’t perfect, but it helped immensely. I also kept very VERY close track of what my spending was like. 

I’m spoiling it before the end, but I was about $200 from breaking even. Luckily I’m not in a position where this loss impacts significantly, but it still stings! It could have been a result of multiple things, such as the hotel for Kumori being 1/3rd of my expenses ALONE, my choice of products/fandoms, not having ability to take card, and general attendee interest.

Let’s take a brief look at each con!

Bellingham Comicon

Glad to be back!

Bellingham Comicon has once again, been a joy. It’s a small convention but excited attendees pack the place and sales were good. A couple people recognized me from last year and I recognized a couple people too! I didn’t have my button maker yet but perlers seemed to be decently popular. I even made a custom Witch Mercy perler that sold 40 MINUTES INTO THE CONVENTION. It sold so quick that I didn’t even get to take a table picture until after I sold it! (I will say, when I put up that custom Sentai Genji, I upped the price a bit lmao)

I met a lot of amazing artists and got to do a bunch of art trades as well, something I haven’t really done in previous years! I was happy to see a couple familiar faces and meet some new artists too!! BCC is small enough that walking around and chatting to other artists and vendors is on the easier side.

I got a couple weird looks dressed as IT Damien from Dream Daddy, but was glad some people recognized me! I made some first impressions on some very cool artists in that cosplay haHA

While BCC is a comic convention, I didn’t feel out of place. There were lots of attendees that I would consider in my target audience and I didn’t feel like it was taking away from business. BCC is very much a comic and pop culture convention, with fans looking for all sorts of things!

Kumoricon

GOD WHAT AN ADVENTURE

Kumori was my first multi-day convention, and the farthest I’ve travelled for a con! Needless to say, I was anticipating this con since August, but didn’t know AT ALL what to expect.

We ended up driving down on Thursday and setting up that night, which definitely took a lot of the stress away. I also managed to compact my table and merch into a single tote, a print box, a bag to hold the wire cubes, + personal bags for miscellaneous stuff. So that was less stressful too.

Friday came and I was cosplaying Taako (which, as I found out, is 150% more fun to wear than IT Damien oops). The day was on the slower side, and some of my friends came by to say hi and ended up helping out at my table, giving me time to check out the artist alley!

Kumori’s artist alley was HUGE. And even more jarring: so many of the artists I follow on twitter/insta/etc were there. Somehow. Good lord, how many of you live in the PNW that I didn’t know about? I recognized an artist who’s art I love in line while waiting for badges and almost had a heart attack. Over the weekend, I met a lot of artists but it was only a fraction of the entire artist alley. I didn’t even get to meet all the artists I recognized!

So. Profit-wise, the con was kind of a disappointment. Oh boy, here’s a stat: I made about as much at BCC as I did at Kumori. In three days.

Again, this could’ve been a number of things. A lot of artists (many more experienced than me!), general interest, things I chose to sell, etc. But even so, many of the returning artists I talked to said it was slower than last year and some said the con is usually pretty dang slow.

But the con was fantastic in other ways. It gave me valuable big-con experience, some new art friends/mutuals, a fun time at the con and in Portland (good food!), and again, my favorite part, meeting a ton of cool, amazing artists and being able to make some art trades or to buy from them!

I definitely needed rest after this one. My brain was absolutely FRIED by the time we finally got back home and ate a late dinner at Shari’s.

Jet City Comic Show

Not even gonna lie, it was EMPTY most of the weekend!

I ended up having to table by myself, which wasn’t a problem with how lax it was. I even had time to doodle as well as finish a pen drawing! And I live pretty close to the show, so I could just head home once the days ended.

My table neighbor was super cool and I met a bunch of cool artists from all over the artist alley as well! This alley was pretty massive too, so I didn’t get to check out all of them. Being a comic convention, most of the artists were comic-based, with maybe a hand full of anime-styled artist from what I could see.

Many artists had their own published comics, and I enjoyed listening to their pitches (and took some comics home too!!).

My row didn’t seem to get a lot of foot traffic, but neither did the majority of the artist alley. And Sunday was even slower! Talking to other vendors, I found out Jet City is usually slow, but this year was slower than the last.

All in all, it was a nice quiet weekend and I was happy to meet more amazing artists at this con, as well as happy to get home and REST!

Overall...

This season was rewarding. Not in the money way, unfortunately. I’m lucky to be a position where it doesn’t affect me in a major way. But I’m always so excited to go to cons, and just being around fellow fans and creative minds is rewarding in it’s own way. I’ve also learned what to do and what not to do for future conventions should I continue to do them!

the real profit was the artists we met along the way

#artist alley #artist alley recap #long post #toasty post #i actually wrote this is november and havent finished it til now lmao #portfolio

[exileoblivion]

all of them for you too buddy

alrighty, here goes!!1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? I try to make it equal, but I always end up with more milk than cereal

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? For the most part, yes. Unless I’m not feeling well or whatever

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Whatever’s close at hand that’s flat and small, lol

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? My coffee has to have a LOT of creamer and/or sugar. My tea depends; for the most part, it HAS to have at least a little bit of sugar, but there’s some that I don’t mind not having sugar in, just depends

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? YES.

6: do you keep plants? No

7: do you name your plants?No

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Either writing or drawing

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? Yup!

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Mainly my sides, but I’ll lay on my back when I’m sick or hurt

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? …oh god…my one friend and I have one that deals with DMMD, and I am SO not talking about that here pppfffttttttt

12: what’s your favorite planet? I don’t really have one

13: what’s something that made you smile today? I WATCHED THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE, AND IT WAS SO DAMN CUTE ALSDKFJELAKJSDF

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? Dorky AF. Probably a lot of purple/shades of purple for the colors

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! Space smells like burnt meat and metal, or something like that? I remember hearing that a while back

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? Chicken alfredo, or Mushroom Ravioli alskdjfalskjdf

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? I REEEALLLLYYYYYY want to dye the right side of my hair pastel pink

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. that same inside joke about DMMD omfg alskdjf

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? a writing journal? No. I do have a TON of sketchbooks though, which have random doodles in them.

20: what’s your favorite eye color? Blue. BRIGHT blue. I’ve also lately REALLLYYYY been loving shades of brown that almost look red. 

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. I recently bought a Castiel bag from Hot Topic, and while it’s not old, it has gone on a few adventures through the woods with me, and went with me to my last job quite a lot. I’m going to be using it a TON when I get my fursuit partial in 2018.

22: are you a morning person? Depends on if I get enough sleep, and wake up in a good mood

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Laying in “bed” curled up in a few blankets with snacks and watch youtube vids

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? In the past, yeah. I haven’t had someone I could trust that much in a looonnnggggg time though

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? Technically it wasn’t breaking in to, but I went to explore my old abandoned house and it was SO cool, omfg. 

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? Lately it’s either my red converse or my gray winter boots

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? Man, I haven’t chewed gum in YEARS…I dunno?

28: sunrise or sunset? Sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? i can’t think of an answer to this one

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? OF COURSE

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I love them in the winter! I love the ones with patterns, or things on them. The plain colored ones are so boring, tbh. I loooveeee the ones that go up to my knees, or the super fuzzy ones. I also super love slippers asldkfj 

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. I can’t stop thinking about that damn DMMD joke between my one friend and I alskdjfalkds that happened WELL after 3am when we were both super tired to the point of delirium, and it’s just so funny alskjf

33: what’s your fave pastry? It’s a tie between pie and cinnamon buns/rolls

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? I had this plush cat that my one grandma gave me for christmas like…a year or so before she died? I named her Jellybean, and I took her EVERYWHERE with me. I should still have her…at least I did when we moved here when I was like 15…but I haven’t checked…she could be ruined for all I know ughhhhhhh

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? Yeah! I use stuff like that on rare occasions.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? STARSET!!!!!

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? I don’t have a room, and have way too much stuff in all different areas to keep anything organized. I HATE it :”D

38: tell us about your pet peeves! I CAN NOT FUCKING STAND THE SOUNDS OF PEOPLE EATING. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT IT IS, I CAN ALWAYS HEAR PEOPLE EATING. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I FUCKING HATE IT ALSKDJFALSKDJFLAKSJDFUUGHHHHHHHHHHHH. No, but seriously. I can NOT be around people that are eating. I HAVE to have headphones in. Like, no offense…I have sensitive hearing, and chewing ((honestly, any kind of mouth noise other than talking)) noises make me gag and spiral into a HUGE anxiety attack and it’s so bad alsdkjfalskdjf 

39: what color do you wear the most? Black

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? Okay, so since I keep mentioning DMMD; I got an Industrial piercing in my left ear just like Noiz. It was the last piercing I got, and my first one from a PROPER piercer. The whole experience was awesome, and I loved it. It was back when our group was still 4 people, and we made a day of it. The piercer was SUPER nice, talked me through everything he was doing, being calm and reassuring, and just super sweet in general? Afterwards, he gave me a box of apple juice to help with my blood sugar, and I loved that idea so much, that to this day after I get tattoos or piercings, I always make sure to have apple juice as a tradition. I got my last piercing because 1.) I thought it looked HELLA cool, 2.) I reallllyyyyyy wanna cosplay Noiz, and 3.) Noiz’s character has a TON of meaning and stuff with me. Up next I’m gonna start stretching my lobes like him. Maybe it’ll be soon! 

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? Another Note: The Los Angeles BB Murder cases

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Sadly, no. If I did, it’d probably be a Starbucks or a Crazy Mocha

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Like, actually laid out with a blanket and watched them for a long period of time? When I was a little kid with my brothers, watching a meteor shower

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? n-e-v-e-r~

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? sometimes

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of  for the life of me, I can’t think of any at the moment alskdjfalskdjfleakjsef

.47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? BLACK LICORICE

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? I think it may have been the dark…? And I mean…I do suffer from sleep paralysis…so…sometimes, kinda…..bllleeecchhhhhh

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? YES! The last two that I bought myself was  Gorillaz’s Demon Days and Plastic Beach 

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? Do stuffed plushes/animals count…? Cuz…ya boi has a bad addiction with buying stuffed things

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? The only ones that I can think of are all sad/depressing/triggering…

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? What in tarnation dog…I don’t get the whole babadook being a gay icon one, but it is funny af for some reason??? distracted boyfriend….is the “BITCH I WON’T HESITATE’ considered a meme at this point, cuz I LOVE that one even if it isn’t

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? I will NEVER watch or listen to that shit, get it out of here. Not yet, but maybe someday. HATE IT. Never seen it.

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? IRL…? no clue lmao

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? God…I have no clue….probably like, raise my voice…?

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? …I really need to start paying attention to people more…I can’t think of anything…

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? Unpopular opinion…I hate that song. 

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? I don’t have enough friends to apply this to anyone oops

59: what’s your favorite myth? I don’t have a favorite myth, but can we talk about conspiracy theories and stuff like that???? cuz, holy hell…my eyes are finally open to them and some of them are GLORIOUS

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? Poetry’s okay, I don’t have any faves

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? Probably like everything I ever give people. I can’t think of any

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? If I have apple juice, I WILL DRINK THAT EVERY MORNING ALSKFJLSKEJF

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? I kinda just leave them be. As long as they don’t get ruined

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? It looks black?

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? convention friends. I also used to have a lot of online friends who have all pretty much disappeared that I miss terribly…

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? It’d be made of golden flowers. because reasons.

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? ALIVE alskdfjaslkdfj

68: what’s winter like where you live? It’s all over the freaking place. Sometimes it’s super cold, snowy, windy….other time’s it’s kinda cold, no snow, we’ve had a few where it’s practically spring weather?!???!?!?! 

69: what are your favorite board games? I love CAH, and other kinds of adult humored games like those alskdfj

70: have you ever used a ouija board? Not an Ouija board, but I have used a pendulum thingy with a sheet of paper that almost represented an Ouija board

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? I love ALL kinds of tea. I have so many faves, I can’t pick just one alskdjfalskdfj

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? Sorta, yeah

73: what are some of your worst habits? Whew boy, just about everything I do anymore is bad lmao

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. um…they’re…human?

75: tell us about your pets! I don’t have any

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? sleeping lmao

77: pink or yellow lemonade? yellow

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? HATECLUB

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? no one’s done anything cute for me in years thx

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? The area that I sleep in has white walls. It’s the color that was here when we moved in.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. …it just occurred to me…that I have no idea what color eyes my friends have…WELP

82: are/were you good in school? Nope lmao

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? I think the art for Plastic Beach is pretty neat

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? YES!!!! I have my Bill Cipher one all drawn up, just need to get it done. And then, I’m thinking of getting the seal of Metatron from the SH series done on my other rib, and then….I have SOOOOOOoooooOOoOOOoOoO many more ideas for tattoos, it’s ridiculous, lmao.

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? I don’t read comics, but I do read manga lol. I LOVE Deadman Wonderland, I just got the complete series of MARS which was the first manga series I ever read through, Alice 19th is SO GOOD, of course my unhealthy love for Killing Stalking, Blood Bank…um…I can’t think of anymore atm

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? I honestly don’t know what that means….? But, it’s possible…?

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Nightmare Before Christmas, Inception, Shutter, the original Halloween movies, Guardians of the Galaxy, The Lost Boys, Queen of the Damned, Ironman 3

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Not really

89: are you close to your parents? nope

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Okay, so…I’ve only ever been to D.C. once so far, but it’s REALLY beautiful alskdfj I can’t wait for next Otakon, and hopefully be able to explore it more. There’s such a surreal charm to it. You can reallllllyyyyy feel the history everywhere you go there. Just. Damn. 

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? I WANT TO VISIT CENTRALIA SO GOD DAMN BADLY WHILE I’M STILL THE SAME AGE AS JAMES SUNDERLAND, AND I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIMEASLDKJFALSKEJFLAKSJFLKJ

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? no cheese plz

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? messy buns or ponytails

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?…one of my brothers…???

95: what are your plans for this weekend? celebrate Thanksgiving, make a dessert for our dartball tournament…hope to hell I don’t get dragged to it…and hopefully write or play games. Maybe also clean too….

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? I tend to let them go for awhile before updating

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? INFP, Aquarius, Slytherin

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? too long!!! and, I think so?

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Hiro no Tsuki/Melfina’s song, Is there Somewhere and Control by Halsey, just about the whole Undertale soundtrack, the sountracks to both Portal 1, and 2, ESPECIALLY Exile Vilify by The National, All of Me by John Legend,JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING BY STARSET, I know there’s a ton….but those are all of the ones I can think of at the moment

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years into the future. 5 years ago was TERRIBLE, and I never want to relive it again.

#about me #long post #hot-for-justice #ask Oblivion

[rey-129-fan]

Isra Character Bio

So I finally sat down and wrote out the full bio for Isra!  Woo!!  Now a lot of these answers are based on the events up to chapter 5 in The Scion, so slight spoilers for the first arc.  Also, a lot of these questions are answered by Isra herself, though when she can’t, I labeled them with a WOG so you know that’s my answer.

Character bio template can be found here: http://yeahwrite.co/post/24774343500

ORIGINS & FAMILY:

Name: Isra Luana Douglas

Nickname: Bakagou likes to call me shadowy bitch.  Flint prefers Ningyo.  Flint’s is my favorite.

Reason for name: Isra means nocturnal journey, which given my dad’s family quirk, fits really well.  It was also suggested by a family friend, though I can’t remember who.  Luana was also tossed around, but according to Mom, she didn’t think it would fit as well.  I agree, and am glad they went with Isra and not Luana.

Birthday: February 13 (Aquarius).  I especially love it when it falls on a Friday.  If only Japan had the same superstitions.

Age: 14.  I will be 15 in time for the Entrance Exam.

Gender: Girl, she/her.

Place of birth: Honolulu, Hawaii.

Places lived since: Mustafa, Japan.

Parents’ names, backgrounds, occupations: Galen was my dad’s name.  I don’t remember what he did before he died.  Zoey was my mom’s name, and I think she was a pediatric nurse?  She was really sick for the last year she was with us, so I can’t really remember what she did either.

Number of siblings: Flint is technically considered my brother, since Sophia adopted me and we grew up together.  I don’t really remember Jack, since we really little when he died with Dad, but according to Sophia, we were close, like twins generally are in their early years.

Relationship with family: Dad’s side is pretty much gone.  Mom’s side, outside of Sophia and Flint, are all dicks and can never speak to me again, and I would not care.

Happiest memory: There was that time Mom was well enough to be out of the hospital in time for my birthday, so we went down to the beach and built sandcastles.  Mom wanted it to be a big party and invite all my friends, but I really just wanted her, Sophia and Flint.  Mom even got me a book I really loved, while Sophia got me this game that I could play with Mom when she had to go back to the hospital.  Flint showed me how to bodyboard in the waves, and even let me try his board.  After we had dinner, and then a cake.  Mom let me have her piece, and then laughed because I got it all over my face.

...That was the last time Mom got to celebrate my birthday.

Childhood trauma: I guess having both my dad and brother dying before I was even 4.  And then mom got sick and died too.  Then the CHI targeting me because of my “villainous” quirk.  Honestly, the deflating grades is probably the least bad thing to happen to me, though the school in general was full of dicks.

Children of her own?: I’m 14.  What kids?

PHYSICAL

Height: 5’6.5” or 169 cm.  An inch taller than Izuku.

Weight: I thought it was rude to ask a person their weight?  I guess maybe about 150 pounds.  That or 70 kg.  I don’t know, I don’t weigh myself regularly.

Build: What?  I guess I’m fit, and I don’t have much in way of hips or chest.  I’m 14.

Nationality: American, White.

Disabilities: Um… chronic pain in my leg, though only affects me if I did a lot of running.  Sophia thinks I might have ADHD, but I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD.  The second one’s been around since I was little, and mostly shows itself as being unable to talk in certain situations, particularly in schools and around teachers.  I’ve been working on it, and I can use my quirk or sign language to communicate, I just can’t speak.  I’m on antidepressants for the others, and am mostly fine.

Complexion: Tanned, no freckles.  Definitely have acne, though it’s mostly on the shoulders and back.  No notable birthmarks.

Face shape: Face shape?  I mean, I guess it’s round?

Distinguishing facial features: Given that I’m white in Japan?  Eye Shape.

Hair color: Violet, though the tips go black when I use my quirk for long periods of time.

Usual hair style: It’s normally down, though I tie it back when working out.  There is this annoying strand that for some reason stays short and tends hang between my eyes.

Eye color: It’s a light grey most of the time, though turns black when I use my quirk.

Glasses? Contacts?: I have glasses.  Aizawa-sensei says I may need to get contacts when I get into high school if I’m going to become a hero, since glasses will just get in the way.  I get that, they just feel weird.

Style of dress/typical outfit(s): Loose, long, baggy.  I prefer graphic tees, but they stand out like a sore thumb, so I tend to stick with solid cool colors.

Typical style of shoes: No heels.  Covered shows that I can slip on and off are great.

Health: I’m generally in good health and don’t get sick often.  When I do… urgh.

Grooming: People wear clothes that are already dirty?!  Yuck!  Anyways, I tend to shower once a day, and my clothes are cleaned regularly.  Hair is brushed a couple times a day, but I don’t do anything fancy.  I do have to also wash my face before bed, but I don’t wear makeup.  Pretty sure it’s against school rules anyway.

Jewelry? Tattoos? Piercings?: Pretty sure those are against school rules.  I don’t like jewelry that much, and don’t care for piercings.  As for tattoos, I’m in Japan.  Tattoos aren’t seen… favorably here.

Accent?: I guess it’s close to Standard American, with a bit of Hawaiian?  At least in English.  According to Izuku, my Japanese sounds pretty American, though I do have the r down.

Unique mannerisms/physical habits: According to Sophia, I tend to bite bottom lip when I’m concentrating.  I tap my foot when impatient.  I also tend to walk quietly and my shoes get really worn out by the balls of my feet.  My quirk tends to act up when I’m nervous or stressed out.

Athletic?: Training to become a hero, and Mom insisted that Flint and I take martial arts after Dad and Jack...

INTELLECT

Level of education: Third Year Middle School, which is about equivalent to a Freshman in High School in America.

Level of self esteem: I know I’m smart, I know I have a good quirk.  I also know that I’m not the best.

Gifts/talents: I have a nice strong quirk, and I tend to pick up on things quickly, especially if there’s a clear pattern.

Shortcomings: ...I really have a hard time speaking aloud, especially around strangers.  I also don’t like putting up with other people’s shit and will call them out, which some people don’t like.  It’s led to a couple of fights.

Style of speech: Um… I guess pretty informal?

“Left brain” or “right brain” thinker?: I prefer to be pretty logical, but according to Yagi-sensei and Aizawa-sensei, I can come up with some really odd ideas.  Don’t know what they mean, after all, how else will Izuku learn not to block with his elbows without a bit of pain?  Trust me, if you want strange ideas, get Izuku started on one of his quirk ramblings.  Some of his theories and ideas can be pretty out there.

Artistic?: I like art, and doodling helps me concentrate.  Flint has been pushing me to try drawing.

Mathematical?: Oh math?  That’s easy.  At least the tests and classes would be if I could understand what the teacher is asking.  I know he’s doing it on purpose, but it gets really frustrating when on tests, he throws in kanji that I almost never see, without the hiragana.

Makes decisions based mostly on emotions, or on logic?: ...There are people who can make decisions based on logic without it taking forever to decide?

Neuroses: What’s neuroses?  ...Oh.  Um, I do have extreme anxiety, and have since I was little, hence the mutism.  I was also diagnosed with depression, and was maybe not in a good place before I met Izuku… And I do have PTSD after CHI.  I’m working on it with a therapist and psych, and I’m doing a lot better, but I do have moments were I just… reset to a couple of years ago.  I wish I could get better faster.

Life philosophy: Go out and do what I want to do.  Life is too short for regrets.

Religious stance: The stories can be pretty interesting.  I just don’t believe in that stuff.  And if I find something funny in the story, I will laugh, sacred text be damned.

Cautious or daring?: Depends.  I’m not as cautious as Izuku, but I’m nowhere near as daring as Bakagou.  Then again, that’s probably a good thing.

Most sensitive about/vulnerable to: I really don’t like people judging others about their quirks.  I also am very sensitive about my own quirk.  I don’t like not being able to use it if I need to.  It’s probably the main reason I don’t feel fully comfortable around Aizawa-sensei after Izuku realized who he was.  I just… had a bad experience when I wasn’t able to use my quirk.

Optimist or pessimist?: I think I’m more a realist.  I prefer the thought of prepare for the worst, hope for the best.  I do like looking for the bright side of something when things are shitty.

Extrovert or introvert?: Mix.  Crowds are tiring, but I do like hanging out with Izuku, Flint, Aunty Inko, and Sophia.  Aizawa-sensei is good too, but Yagi-sensei can be draining.

Level of comfort with technology: I know how to use the devices I come into contact with, but I would not be able to fix them.  Breaking them is easy, though, especially if I’m allowed my quirk.

RELATIONSHIPS

Current marital/relationship status: Single.  A little busy with school, training and studying.  Plus all the kids at school are jackasses.

Sexual orientation: ...I don’t know.  I don’t quite understand what everyone means by hot and wanting to bang someone.  Not even Izuku could really explain it in a way that makes sense.  Oh well, Sophia doesn’t seem too worried about it, so maybe it’s not so bad.  (WOG: She’s ace/aro, just hasn’t quite realized it yet.  She’s 14.)

Past relationships: None.

Primary reason for being broken up with: Kinda need to have had one to be broken up with.

Primary reasons for breaking up with people: Again, need a relationship for a break up.

Level of sexual experience: Um, virgin.  I haven’t dated at all.

Story of first kiss: I haven’t really thought about it.  I don’t know, maybe after a romantic date?  Do people seriously think about this stuff at my age?  I thought that was just a thing for stories.

Story of loss of virginity: Um, what?  I’m 14.  I haven’t given it much thought.  I guess if I meet someone I really like?

A social person?: I don’t have many friends, but those I do I will fight for.  Most people are put off by the mutism, and I really don’t like interacting with strangers, especially in large crowds.

Most comfortable around: Hard to say, but if I had to pick, Izuku.

Oldest friend: Hina.  Jack and I met her back in daycare.  We were together until I moved to Japan.  We’re still in touch.

How does he/she think others perceive her?: I think the mutism puts a lot of people off.  I also do tend to pick fights, though most of the time they’re asking for it.

How do others actually perceive her?: WOG: A lot of people see her as a haughty foreigner who befriended the quirkless freak who wants to be a hero.  Toshinori and Aizawa see the hard worker she is, and how protective she is of Izuku.

VOCATION

Profession: I’m a student, about to become a hero-in-training.

Past occupations: I didn’t know there was an occupation before student.

Passions: I like learning, and I want to make sure no one feels hopeless and alone.

Attitude towards current job: It depends on the subject.  I do like learning, when the teachers are competent and will actually treat their teachers fairly.  Orudera sucks ass.

Attitude towards current coworkers, bosses, employees: Most of the other students are assholes who I wish would leave Izuku alone.  Seriously, what did he do to them to warrant all the shit they put him through?  Don’t answer that, I know they’re just entitled assholes who need to feel better about themselves and are just taking it out on him.  Teachers aren’t much better, though if Aizawa-sensei is any indication, UA is a million light years better.

Salary: Wait, I’m supposed to be paid?  Jesus, all my schools were full of dicks if they were skipping out on my paycheck.

SECRETS (Every character–no matter how minor–should always have secrets!)

Phobias: Abandoned buildings remind me a bit too much of CHI.  I also don’t like being in hospitals, though I’m better there than abandoned buildings.  Also I don’t like being unable to use my quirk.  Honestly, if Aizawa-sensei were to erase my quirk, I’d probably have a panic attack.

Life goals: To become an Underground Hero.

Dreams: To save others so they don’t have to feel helpless.

Greatest fears: Being unable to protect the ones I love.

Most ashamed of: Those months between CHI and becoming friends with Izuku.  I really, really wasn’t in a good place.

Most embarrassing thing ever to happen to her: Oh god, there was this one time where we were showing Flint’s friend Naotsu Todoroki how to have fun at the mall.  Well, my shoes came undone, which Izuku pointed out.  Now I never trip on them, so I just rolled my eyes.  Then we go up the escalator.  Just as we’re stepping off, the escalator decides to eat my laces.  Nearly broke my nose and had to get new shoes after that.  Flint could not stop laughing for the rest of the day.

Compulsions: Checking a new location and new people with my quirk.  Just constantly checking that my quirk is working.

Obsessions: I guess my need to constantly make sure my quirk is on and working counts.

Secret hobbies: I like to read and doodle.  Most of my free time is spent studying and working on my Japanese with Izuku.  He also likes to drag me to his hero fights just so he has someone to help him analyze and bounce ideas off.

Secret skills: Good at martial arts, being just below first dan in both judo and taekwondo.

Past sexual transgressions: ...what?

Crimes committed: I guess quirk usage?  Does that count, cause everyone breaks that law, and you don’t really get in much trouble, so long as it’s not for vigilante/villainous stuff.

What she most wants to change about her current life: I’d kinda like not to have all the shit wrong in my head.  Also wouldn’t mind having my parents and Jack back.

What she most wants to change about her physical appearance: My hair is a little noticeable.  I’d probably just change it to be like a black or dark brown, something that’d blend into the shadows a little better.

DETAILS/QUIRKS

Daily routine: Get up, get ready, drag Izuku to school (hopefully without running into any hero fights on the way), nap when I can, doodle or do homework in the classes where the teacher won’t let me sleep, have lunch with Fujita-sensei and Izuku, after school go and train with Yagi-sensei and maybe Aizawa-sensei, go home and finish my homework with Izuku.

Night owl or early bird?: Night owl, oh so much.

Light or heavy sleeper?: Apparently I’m a pretty heavy sleeper, even when sleep walking.  Sophia’s given up on waking me and just puts me back in bed.  Thank god our front door is locked.

Favorite food: Strawberry Bon Bons are the absolute best.

Least favorite food: You give me anything with even the littlest amount of spice and I will break all the toes in your feet.

Favorite book: Flint had me read this book a few years back called Blue Skin of the Sea, and it was pretty good.  I don’t have much in way of favorite books, though.

Least favorite book: If a book is so bad, I will drop it within a few chapters.  I guess I’d have to say Warriors got pretty bad after the first couple of series.  And there was that bear series the same author wrote that wasn’t that good.

Favorite movie: A classic, but The Princess Bride.  I have a few memories of curling up with Mom, Flint and Sophia just laughing at it.  Haven’t watched it in years.

Least favorite movie: I swear to god if Izuku makes me watch that All Might movie again, I will put him in a fucking choke hold.  That or make him watch Watership Down.

Favorite song: Oh god… If it’s just musical pieces, Hopes and Dreams from Undertale.  But if it needs words, either Kuraiinu’s English Cover of Peace Song or Sora ni Utaeba by amazarashi.

Least favorite song: 100 Years, by Five for Fighting.  My homeroom teacher back in 6th grade insisted on having us sing it.  Just thinking about it reminds me of her.

Coffee or tea?: Tea, particularly non-bitter.  Caffeine doesn’t really work on me anyways.

Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?: Smooth, with a nice glass of milk.

Type of car she drives: I don’t know.  Something useful, but would blend in.  Mm, maybe a bike?

Lefty or righty?: Righty.  Though maybe I should learn to use my left more, it’d be so useful.

Favorite color: Light purple, lavender.

Cusser?: I learned a lot of Japanese ones from Bakagou.

Smoker? Drinker? Drug user?: I do have an antidepressant subscription, but nothing really beyond that.

Biggest regret: ...I really wasn’t in a good place before I met Izuku.  I just regret how much I worried Sophia and Flint at the time. 

Pets?: Don’t have one.  Wouldn’t mind a cat.

#the scion #isra douglas #ofa is known au #character bio #hahaha #so many things that'll come up later