#Idk how much I'd say about myself on it though

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

i can't think of a creative title

👽 for finding later because look at him he's a little alien :D

so anyway i (15F) had this girlfriend (16F) a little bit ago. we honestly didn't do much together, even though we're both in high school. never went on a proper date and we never even kissed.

whenever i would try to set up a date or anything, she'd kinda be like "ok." and then never follow up and i wouldn't wanna do it because i have really bad self esteem issues and i didn't want her to stop liking me because i was being too clingy or anything.

we were texting like normal one day and she just sent me this text where she was like "i'm literally so selfish lmaooo i already knew i was gonna break up with you by the end of the school year but here i am still dating you and wanting to kiss you 🤪" and i just stopped texting her right there because. because what? she was literally planning to break up with me and she knew what day she was going to do it and everything? then what was the point of even getting together with me? because she knew i really liked her and still did that.

anyway, we agreed to talk during our free period/study hall at school the day after. i had totally freaked myself out and i was completely prepared to just go and apologize over and over again, even if she was in the wrong, but when i met her, she immediately started talking about how i put her on too much of a pedestal and how my self esteem was too low and how i have a tendency to say "im gonna fucking kill myself" (not in like a serious way or anything but it just became a thing i'd say sometimes, we both knew that i wasn't being serious about hurting myself but i see why that would make her uncomfortable and it's actually a habit i've been trying to stop) and these are actually all pretty valid concerns. i did have a little bit of a tendency to put her on a pedestal because of my previously mentioned terrible self esteem. so we broke up.

but then a little recently, a friend, who i'll call miku texts me and she's talking about how my ex, i'll call her uh... rin? anyway, rin texts miku and rin allegedly said that she thinks that she's more mature than all of our friend group ( we mainly have the same friend group, me and rin are still friends) and miku tells me that (also allegedly) miku wasn't really all that affected at all when we broke up or even when i randomly stopped texting her after that text. so. idk. was i the asshole? i feel bad about ghosting her, that was kinda toxic and abusive and definitely something i shouldn't have done, but it freaked me out.

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw

[solradguy]

I know exactly how to write code doesn't work in HTML and CSS through the power of over 1000 Neocities page edits

#Baked off my gourd. My dad gave me this stuff called golden pineapple and I'm so used to garbage weed it hit like a truck #But I don't have the Tumblr app installed which means the Jack-O' posting on the horizon will end once I crawl into bed here soon #I want to make a kin page on my Neocities and host some essays that helped me figure it out on it #Idk how much I'd say about myself on it though #I've written some like blog post journal entries about kin stuff but they're REALLY personal I don't want to hand them around haha #I guess I don't really have to talk about myself on a page like that though #It shouldn't take too long to do since I have most of this stuff bookmarked already #Maybe I'll work on it tomorrow after I finish the DPS mag project #Anyway I thought of this because I kind of want to talk about it a little but also I get the impression that some people wanna ask about it #but are shy/don't know how to bring it up

[rotisseries]

I JUST FINISHED REREADING LEGENDBORN AND STARTED BLOODMARKED LAST NIGHT AND COME ON HERE AND YOU'RE ALSO READING IT 😨😨 WE SYNCED

CLOWN TO CLOWN COMMUNICATION. OUR UNBREAKABLE BOND

#come talk to me when you finish bloodmarked I reread legendborn last night and got to the gala bit #that I'd completely forgotten about where bree says something about how her nick and sel are all bonded to each other #and like. combined that with bloodmarked as a whole but especially chapters 51 and 58 #I am absolutely fucking certain I'll die on the polyamory hill like THEY ARE ALL FUCKING BONDED ALL 3 OF THEM IT'S CONSTANTLY REITIRATED #NO WAY SHE PICKS JUST ONE IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT #WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE POLY CODING. WHAT THE HELL. #every time I'm in the bathroom I start looking into the nearest mirror and start talking to myself crazily #about how actually fucking insane it is like I'm losing my mind tracy deonn what are you on can I take a hit #so yeah keep me posted on your reading progress lol #speaking of rereading legendborn though I'd forgotten just how mean nick and sel are to each other in the first book #and it was like. actually crazy to see that continue pretty much right up until the end bc they don't really get a chance for reconciliatio #and then to compare that with having also just recently finished bloodmarked #which is literally like. a complete fucking 180 #idk if nick's month being kidnapped by his dad just gave him a lot of time to reflect or something #but he never has a genuinely bad thing to say about sel. like right from the start and his first appearances in bloodmarked #similarly for sel lmao #contrasted with the. everything in legendborn. like it's actually fucking crazy #what spending a month away from your magically bonded bro does to a mf #anyway. in regards to us always reading the same shit have you been keeping up with chloe gong's books? #bc I read foul lady fortune and last violent call earlier this week as well #ask #lyoshaland #hi lyosha!

[ihaventsleptinweekz]

Sometimes I think I'm a normal person then the 11 pm thought kicks in and suddenly I'm insane

#Going to mildly and vaugly vent in the tags to buckle up ^_^ #Will not clarify on any of this because it's more fun not to. Hope that helps #Anyway I'm kind of just. Weirded out by myself rn. Like I'm fine but I'm side-eyeing myself a little bit #And recently I've been believing thay I think really I was more immature a year ago #and while I do think back at her (year ago me) and kinda laugh at her for being overdramatic I feel kinda bad about it because yknow I was #But then I got kind of weirdly slowed down? In my being less freaked out process #Mostly because of Hellenite everyone say thank you hellenite (sarcastic love those fics so much) #But reading the fic kind of reminded me of the emotions that were going on at that time #And while I don't really miss or regret what happened too much anymore I think the general emotions of it started popping up again #Like idk how to say this but I'm over IT as a whole- but the emotions are still kinda left over? #Man really do NOT know how to put this #Cause it's kinda old news and frankly I am wildly happy with where I am right now #And I'm kind of thankful?? But also just a little :I about the whole thing. Which is making me inwardly side-eyeish #And I do think that I probably wouldn't change much if I could- and honestly I'm a little more embarrassed than anything else #Sorry for the weird long rambling tags just didn't want to call either of the like- maybe 3 friends I'd consider bringing this up with #I probably should check in with them though #Ough and I have work to do tmrw #Ew ew ew ew #Feel like this week has gone too damn fast and also not fast enough lmao #I'm also kinda nervous because I might have to take the ASL placement test soon to see if I qualify for skipping a couple ASL classes #Which would be nice cause I would LOVE to graduate quicker #And with all the AP classes I took in high-school it'd be nice to knock a bit of time off my college thing #Although admittedly I DID get that scholarship so it couldn't hurt??? #It might actually give me more time to get EIPA certified and check out some internships?? #Which would make getting jobs out of college WAY easier #Although maybe it'd be easier to get NIC certified if I retook a couple classes instead of trying to skip them??? God maybe I'd be behind #Ofc that wouldn't be a thing until after college #I'll probably have to save up money soon to start thinking about taking the test since it's so damn hard and so damn expensive #At least from what other interpreters have told me #Which is good!!! The it being hard thing anyways. Makes sure Deaf people get GOOD interpreters thst they deserve!!

[llatimeria]

Just finished The Santaroga Barrier by Frank Herbert (my dad likes to play audiobooks in the car on trips) and I didn't like it much (and there's quite a bit of Yikes in it, because frank herbert and the 1960s in general,) but the aspect I found most interesting was the concept of like. A world's subconscious desire to kill The Other.

In the book an investigator visits a small cultish town in order to investigate it for a market study after a few other researchers mysteriously died. he gets into a frightening number of "accidents" while he's there (like the former investigators) and starts believing that there was a conspiracy among the townsfolk and all of them were intentionally trying to murder him.

tl;dr, it turns out it actually was a subconscious yet intense phobia/hatred they had of The Outside they had as part of their personal traumas, childhood indoctrination into their local cult, and the LSD-like drug they were constantly on. They didn't mean the investigator any harm, if anything they were extremely welcoming, kind, well-meaning people, but this background radiation of fear and rage kept making them accidentally do things to kill him - mixing up insecticide and spices in his food, gas fumes being pumped in his hotel room after a botched maintenance job, a torn carpet tripping him off the railing of the balcony, and Many Other subtle attempts on his life that he just happened to avoid by sheer chance.

But all the townsfolk don't really think anything of it - the town doctor, especially skeptical, "diagnoses" him as "accident-prone" until the investigator begs and pleads with him for days after several brutal accidents in a row, and only then does the doctor start believing him but even then only comes up with the theory that all of this supposed malice towards the investigator is "subconscious" - later shown to likely be correct when the investigator himself, after overdosing on their special drug, "accidentally" shoves his colleague off a roof, killing him, but the investigator physically cannot see it as anything but an accident anymore. it simply doesn't reach his mind that he killed a former friend of his. it was just an accident. he just fell, all on his own.

the idea of A Town That Wants To Kill You, But It's Nothing Personal resonated with me from the perspective of being a disabled person, especially one in a generally welcoming, accepting environment. when you're disabled, not a lot of people will come to you bearing their ableism between their teeth. They'll be nice, insensitive maybe, but nice, and are often outwardly willing to accomodate you. But they also stick out their leg as you're walking along to trip you. They'll apologize, and you'll maybe even believe it, even though to you, from your perspective, it was obviously an attempt to harm you. You excuse it once, maybe twice, but after a point, you realize that this world, this community you have entered, is actively hostile towards you and everyone like you. so you start screaming it to the rooftops. you tell authorities that the world wants to hurt you, but they begin affixing labels to you like "paranoid" or "anxious". they know no one actually has it out for you, personally, after all. that would be ridiculous.

but you still keep getting tripped down the stairs. the rat poison and the sugar at your favorite coffee shop still keep getting mixed up, but only when it's your order. in the hospital, recovering from your previous "accidents", a nurse will still accidentally pump you full of saline instead of medicine.

after a point, doesn't the fact that all of these are "accidents", and that no one WANTS to kill you, just... stop mattering a little bit? Yeah, no one wants to hurt you, but they just keep doing it. They keep making stupid little mistakes. They know everyone like you who has visited their community has died or been seriously injured under suspicious circumstances, but the idea that they, themselves, could be a little bit at fault just doesn't even register to them. they don't even consider that they might have to change their ways in order to protect people like you. After all, you can't prepare for every "freak accident". Even when the solution could be as simple as "stop putting rat poison next to the sugar", every time it happens to you, or a person like you, it's just an "accident", that no one "meant" any harm, and "nothing could be done".

it doesn't cross their mind that a string of unfortunate accidents ceases to be accidents, but serious negligence. it can't cross their mind, because they're not the victims here. they only even begin to acknowledge something might be wrong when the victims are screaming in their face, day after day. even then, they come to the conclusion that even if you're right, and the community does want to kill you because you are Other, they won't immediately see anything wrong with that. To Them, the answer is clear as day: just become one of Them, and you'll be safe. They take care of their own.

#this isn't even really what the santaroga barrier is even about i just found this to be a useful structure for talking about disability #It's not... NOT what it's about?? #it's definitely got themes of Otherness #but it's more about like. #My dad put it as 'how much of your individuality would you give up to live in paradise' #which is also interesting to think about but . imo if i have to give up parts of myself it would no longer be paradise #But also a lot of what the cult-town tries to get you to 'give up' is. like. Believing in capitalism #And to me it definitely feels like Herbert was on the santarogan's side with that part at least but it's still interesting that that's like #it's still interesting that That of all things is what you have to give up in order to Become Santarogan. #Like. Personally i'd have to change very little to become a santarogan. the trade off for me is not that huge #which makes the protagonist actually seem a little unhinged and unnecessarily hostile #Does daesin just want to believe in capitalism That Badly even when he doesn't understand that that's what this is about #Is it like the scene from They Live where the protagonist tries to get his friend to wear the Anticapitalism Sunglasses but the friend #just refuses point blank even though he has no reason to? #idk. it's definitely an interesting premise. but the racisms. and the misogynies. it's really hard to look past that #especially the part where one black character describes himself like #'before [santaroga] i was an ignorant [n slur hard r]. now i am an educated n-gro“ #which was just. holy fucking shit. that is unspeakably awful. shut the fuck up frank #Also a part where a woman disrobes herself to prove herself to be no harm to the investigator [her fiancee] #and he says something like. 'you're so beautiful i just might rape you' and shes just like teehee thats sweet :) #Which. Bad. Very nasty. Don't say that. #And the general concept of potentially using that woman to lure the investigator into the cult. it's unclear how much of that was #on purpose on the part of santarogans but it does have this slimy Women Are Evil Temptresses That Trap Men In Bad Situations miasma to it #anyways. sorry for blabbing on and on about a 50 year old book by the same guy who wrote dune which is clearly an unquestionable masterpiece #/s. #I just had no choice in listening to this story while sitting in the back of a car on Very Empty Montana And Wyoming Highways #so I might as well rotate it just a little I guess. nothing better to do

[elegyofthemoon]

Sorry, but I saw your comment about how Gepard is in that piece like Serval's shield, and I guess you mean in general how that's the role he has as the captain of the Silvermane guards and how that's the role he tried to get to get "even" with Serval due to childhood, but also... The fact that at the same time Serval is still literally his shield? That always makes me soooo ajfkabfksndjd when it comes to them and their dynamic.

DONT MAKE ME THINK ABOUT THIS IM TRYING TO COOL OFF LMAO

#answered #longagoitwastuesday #MORE REASONS TO APPRECIATE THAT ART SM you're so right though #i think i was saying something about like gepard living in serval's shadow and living up to a lot of the potential serval had left behind #but yeah also regardless of how much time has passed gepard is still very very much serval's little brother and serval still being #his shield in turn #actually if i think longer on the landaus i think im going to just go light myself on fire instead #see also thats another reason why i'm like 'so where does that leave lynx' i wanna knOW and understand more #i think i told myself this weekend im just gonna go rewatch servals companion quest and lynxs just bc this brainrots like killing me mental #but its fiiiiine its fiiiiiine we're okaaaaaay #you'd think after throwing up a lot of thoughts on them i'd shut up #i think i passed out last night talking about them #AND THEN WOKE UP TALKING ABOUT THEM AGAIN???????? #girl shut the fuck up 😭😭😭 #like idk there's probably no way we'll see the landau parents and that's totally fine by me #but i just wanna see and trace development between all three of the kids bc we can see how much that played into serval and gepard #but lynx. idk i feel like she just kinda went her own way and that was that #bUT I MUST DIG HARDER #anyways the tags are so barren....i need something to trap me in a neverending cycle of brainrotting destruction for them #anyways. normal day on snow's blog. what.

[cactusdodes]

.

#also i've finally deleted L's number from my phone and the sad spotify playlist and the list of her fav things #(also i feel like saying list of her fav things sounds weird and creepy. just to clarify i keep a running list for each of my friends with #like important info and their fav food and coffee order and stuff like that because i have a really bad memory and can't always remember #details like that even though i really care. i just have trouble recalling details when i want to get them treats and stuff) #but anyway.. i deleted all that stuff from my phone. i even charged my old phone so that i could delete her number from there too. i want to #let her go. i've moved on so long ago but for some reason i just haven't been able to fully let her go so i've held onto these little things #but i'm finally ready to fully let her go #so i deleted that stuff. i cut that connection. i no longer have her number. and it feels so good #like that tiny part of me holding on is a little sad. but it's more mourning the loss of what could've been #but i've accepted that it doesn't matter. i can't keep thinking about what would've happened if she hadn't moved or if i'd reached out #sooner when she got back. i can wonder and wonder but i'll never be able to go back in the past. i don't need to wonder anymore #because honestly i don't even want to be with her anymore.. it would kind of be embarrassing. idk i was just such a different person when we #were seeing each other. i feel like a completely different person than that and idk it's almost embarrassing that she knew me like that when #i know how much better i am now. like i just truly like myself more now than then. i'm so much cooler now lmao #but yeah. i don't want her anymore. i'm letting go. i can finally actually let go and it feels so good #and not only for me but like i'll no longer have that tiny layer of guilt when dating anybody else #and i'll be able to actually fully be all in for that person and that's what i want #i don't want to hold out for her anymore #and honestly. i hadn't been while dating N #that's a whole other thing i have to deal with #but i'm just glad that i'm no longer holding onto L. i just feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me :) #blake says shit

[bluejayblueskies]

i feel like i've got whatever the opposite of imposter syndrome is going on in grad school rn where i constantly have to be like 'actually, i do have a background in this and i do know what i'm doing and i'm allowed to make mistakes without being looked down on because of them'

#my bosses and professors are not the problem (they're all super chill and actually really good at. you know. trusting me with stuff) #it's my classmates and coworkers #(specifically my male classmates and coworkers though given that my program is male-dominated idk how much that actually says) #like. i don't want to jump right to it being bc i'm female presenting but also. idk idk #it's just really frustrating bc like. idk #i was talking about one of my projects with one of my coworkers yesterday (who i work with a lot and am semi-friends with) #and i was talking about how i'm seeing some things in the analysis of the recordings i made of myself etc. etc. #and i was like 'but you know since it was just me i would need a bigger sample size in order to make a conclusion about this' #and he was like 'yeah yeah like an actual professional saxophonist' #and i was like '.... i *am* a professional saxophonist' bc. i am! i have a degree in saxophone! #never forget the time a guy came into the office asking me to take some stuff of an SD card #off* #and then when i was having trouble finding it (turns out it was compacted into this weird file type i'd never seen before) #''''helpfully'''' told me that files are usually stored in folders #anyway. i'm very tired #personal

[mrfoox]

Sometimes I see myself in the mirror and think 'it looks like I've lost weight!' but then in the same day I can see myself and think I've gained

#miranda talking shit #I cant rightfully judge myself like i cant tell unless i have numbers to go by #And i dont... I dont own an scale /: #I just know last time i did weight myself was about a year ago and then i was like 96kg which is as bif as ive been I believe #But after that i did continue to binge for a while so i may have gotten to 100 tbh #Now ive been monitoring my calories for about 7 months? Usually stay in 1700-1800 calories some days i go under #And once every other week or so i go over #If i have lost weight i cant say its been in the best or correct way but at least better than when i had my starvation year in 2015-2016 #Im kinda curious though if i have and how much or if I'm just imaging it #I cant tell bc of my messed of self image. When i was heavily undereating for a year i didnt realize #I had lost weight until my sister pointed out that I looked thinner/good and then i got weighted and i was like 70kg which is considered #Normap for people my height but i have never before then been in the normal weight range always been at least 10kg over the line #My weight and me will probably never be friends. Can say feom experience losing my extra weight and being 'thinner' didnt help #Me at all and i still hated to see myself/thought i was fat. Now i have an improved self-image but i also have my doubts #If I'd actually feel more confident losing weight. Bc i cant 'see it' i just feel big/huge #Idk where im going with this all as usual but yeah just ranting i guess

[noxtivagus]

i get distracted so easily but i promise i'll get more done ! eventually aaaa 🫶🏼

#🌙.rambles #i find it so amusing how wnvr i have a new interest i always get into it so deeply #a week ago i listened to sm architects songs n searched up sm lyrics n read articles too n now this week it's #switched to the 1975 n i'm listening to sm of their songs too n reading even more articles n watching stuff n YEAH N #oh dear. i shld be doing my assignments due like 24 hours from now n they're easy n i'm nearly done #that's the thing i'm srs nearly done but i keep on getting distracted 😭 n then other stuff too i wna do but forget hflkasdjfd #can't blame me though bcs isn't there just so much to life? n other than all these responsibilities n. survival i suppose. in this society #i just want to live n. learn everything. understand as much as i can and be understood. #be at peace w all the contradictions in life.. 'always' is never possible but i do know i'll endlessly keep on going on until my end #sorry. that doesn't really make sense i just contradicted myself 💀 theres rlly just sm n. it's weird bcs.. i've rlly known extremes so well #like w apollo i have a twin i know how it is to have. such a deep and close relationship with another person. we're like #familial soulmates fr so ik how to direct my energy so.. yk yeah so IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN BUT #maybe a better comparison is. yk when i love something i'm super passionate about it. obvious i have phases here n then but #i have. a wide range of interests but. arghhh no not quite that as well. so.. the range n that intensity? coexisting? #n it's overwhelming often bcs it's too much. n in the past trying to do more than i could rlly drained me like. sm at the same time #but then yk that time for me where i mostly just played ffxiv. uh. help i don't know how to say it n then i forgot what i was gna write #ah. it's just a lot. i really can't write it enough. such is one of the limits of being human #but.. the strong thought i have of how these stuff make more important things more meaningful is just #at the same time there's. another thought that battles it w a similar intensity. n i feel too deeply i think too much of it #but if you were to ask me how i was doing right now i'd say. perhaps stressed yes but i'm doing alright right now. actually maybe not #HELP NO I'M NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE I'M CONFUSING MYSELF W MY OWN WORDS 😭 dw tho i am fine just rather frustrated with time #i want to do so much but yk i have these priorities that i need to do.. i mean. not really 'need'. but. #ah i just love thinking of how life is in relation to society n its people n then w. i forgot how to say it.. but yk. just the universe #it's so heavy thinking about these heavy things so often. the intense desire to understand n be understood.. #to learn and to be learned. or maybe these songs r making me think of how. there's just so much. in life n death n everything #there's so much i don't know n again n again i keep on saying that while there's so much i don't know in every single aspect #there's.. people that r specifically one of my greatest weaknesses w just how unpredictable we are. i love it though but at the same time #it's uh. yeah. thinking of time n the past n present n future n how it's filled with so much is something that i want to #i want to take all of it in but it's also so overwhelming n i'm just at odds with my own self rn but i'm fine #words aren't enough honestly. but i want to convey it somehow. so i'll do what is right for me. in time.

[alasy]

They keep saying I'm cute (personality wise) and I still don't know how I feel about it

#like... ive never seen myself as *cute*? #and lately ive been conscious even about my voice #which i always thought it was a little deeper than id like it to be #but now i cant stop thinking how high it is and it annoys me so much #its not that i dont like when they say it its just that that's not the way i'd prefer to be perceived #maybe i dont like idk #and everything i do its always awww and im like please stop im not a child #like yes i understand the affection but idk #ugh i dont like it #love my friend's perspective though that apparently i'm ' imponent ' #love that #10/10

[mayfieldss]

Accident - Tangerine

Warnings; language, sexual innuendos, mentions of blood. A serious overuse of nicknames "love" and "darling". Tangerine is saurr ick coded in this idk what's going on.

Summary; Tangerine walks in on you after a shower and the conversation that follows plays out different than expected.

Tangerine is not expecting anything when he opens the door except an empty room with a bed for him to rest. He knows you're somewhere around of course, you'd parted ways with him shortly after the job, claiming you needed to wash the blood off of you before it stained your conscience. He didn't know if you'd still be in the hotel room, or down at the bar drinking away the memories of the days events. Overall he wasn't expecting what he saw.

"Fuck, shit, oh my god." He finds you scrambling for something , anything to cover yourself when he enters.

"Oh, bloody hell, sorry love. Thought you'd be done by now." He turns his back to you, though he does it slowly, because quite frankly he can't help himself from stealing a glance.

"You presentable yet darling?" Tangerine can hear you stumbling about behind him, a smile creeping onto his lips at the quiet curses that you let slip under your breath.

"Couldn't you just leave?"

"Believe it or not, I paid for this disaster of a hotel room, so I think I've won myself the right to bloody well stand in it."

He listens again, and can just make out a string of names you call him under your breath, "Ya know, that's not a nice thing to say."

"Go fuck yourself Tan." You're pissed, he likes it.

"I think it would be much more enjoyable if you gave me some help with that." He hears you gasp, your footsteps stumbling about until he knows you're in the bathroom and out of sight. He turns around, walking through the room to lay upon the bed. With hands behind his head and his back against the pillows, he waits for you.

When you're finally back within his view, he sighs, loving just how much his smile is irritating you, and even more so the way you refuse to look at him. "I think I liked you better with your clothes off."

"Of course you did." You're packing things into your duffle bag, and as you lean down, Tangerine can't help but notice that the shirt you're wearing is too big for you. Not only is it oversized however, but Tangerine realises it's his.

"You know darling, locking doors is a thing I'm sure you're capable of, considering you got opposable thumbs and all." He doesn't bring up the shirt just yet, perhaps because he thinks you might take it off if he does. He likes the look of you in it for now.

"I hate to break it to you, but this shitty hotel you paid for? Has no fucking locks!" you stand straight as you yell at him and now he has a full picture of you. His shirt hangs loose around you, the buttons done up crooked in your obvious rush to put something over your body, one sleeve keeps slipping from your shoulder, the skin there revealing itself and hiding away again every time you pull the fabric back up. He's obsessed with it, and you.

"Fucking hell."

Tangerine doesn't intend for the words to escape him, but they do, and he's almost embarrassed by it. It takes a minute before you realize what's happening, looking down at yourself and back up at him.

"The shirt's really doing it for ya, isn't it?" You've got your eyebrows raised, and Tangerine grins broadly.

"It really is, love." He pauses, taking you in again, "it really, really is."

You roll your eyes at him, but to Tangerine's surprise, you keep the shirt on, moving to sit on the other bed in the room.

"You know, that's something i don't get." You're staring up at the ceiling, arms by your sides on the bed as you speak. "What is so attractive about sharing clothing?"

Tangerine huffs, struggling to concentrate on his words. "Fucked if i know, but I'd let you have my kids right about now."

A laugh slips free of you, and you turn your head, cheek pressed against the duvet as you look at him. "You'd let me? What the fuck does that mean?"

"Sorry darling, lemme rephrase." Tangerine clears his throat, and you resist the urge to smile. "It would be an honor to father your children."

In an instant, you're laughing so hard you can barely breathe, curling in on yourself, and holding your stomach from the pain of the action. Tangerine watches you all through it, a smirk plastered firm on his face. "You're treating me like the fucking joker right now, it's not that funny."

You ignore him, calming yourself down.

"If you think about it, we'd have some good-looking kids, don't ya think?" His eyes scan over the features of your face, and he knows you're doing the same to him. "They'd be real heartbreakers, I think."

"Are planning out a fucking future with me in your head right now?" You ask, and there's another chuckle of disbelief threatening to break past your lips.

"No," Tangerine is deep in thought, though there's nothing sweet about it. "But I am planning out the next ten minutes with you."

That stuns you into a silence and a thousand thoughts race around in your head. You sit up, the left sleeve of Tangerine's top slipping from your shoulder again. "In my head, the next ten minutes involve alcohol, food, and sleeping in this hard arse motel bed. I think our priorities are pretty different."

Tangerine chuckles, propping himself up on his elbow, staring you down. "Well, our plans have one thing in common." He grins, but you don't share the expression. "The bed's in my fantasy too, darling."

You scoff, standing to move across the room. You'll order room service, you think, and pay for it with money from Tangerine's wallet, just to teach him a lesson. "You disgust me."

You can hear Tangerine standing from his place on his own bed, coming to stand behind you. "Alright, I'll drop the subject. What're you ordering?"

You twist your head back to look at him as you wait for the call on the rooms landline to go through. "Whatever the fuck I want."

The man behind you sighs, though you know he finds humor in the situation. He likes to get you all riled up. "You don't gotta give me the attitude, I get your point. Get me some chips, though, would ya?" His hands move upward to undo the top few buttons of his shirt. Buttons very similar to the uneven ones holding a particular piece of fabric to your body.

You don't respond, but when ordering Tangerine can't help but smile as you inquire about the chips he'd asked for. You don't hate him yet. In fact, he thinks you feel quite the opposite. You find him amusing at the very least, even though he finds you to be the most intriguing person he's ever met. Baby steps, he thinks. One day, you might take as much interest in him as he does you.

"Thank you, love. I appreciate it." He says once you've hung up the phone.

"They're just chips. It's not a big deal." You push past him, bare shoulder brushing against his clothed arm.

"It is when you're as starving as I am." His gaze follows you as you leap back on to your designated bed, sinking into the stiff pillows.

"You were starving for something else a minute ago." You mutter, eyes falling closed as you lay atop the covers.

"I'm always hungry for that, love. Make no mistake." He's removed the vest he'd been wearing, his belt discarded too as he answers the knock on the hotel room door. It's a staff member with what you ordered, arriving abnormally fast.

"You seriously apall me." You groan once the door is closed again, sitting up ready to eat. Tangerine snatches his chips from the tray provided, taking them over to his own bed as he sits down. With his legs over the edge of it, he leans forward, smile present again.

"I'm only joking, darling. Unless, of course, you don't want me joking, in which case I'm totally not."

That does earn a snort from you as you dig into your meal, and Tangerine leaves it at that. It's been an eventful night, and he's blessed enough to be sitting in this room alive. He's gifted even further with the fact that he gets to sit here with you, looking like a bombshell capable of ending every war in the world. Even tired and stuffing your face full of mediocre room service, he can't help but admire you. And that's a dangerous thing. If he's catching feelings, he doesn't exactly know it yet. But he has a suspicion that he might be, and he'll think on that for the rest of the night.

TANGERINE TAGLIST; @swordofawriter

#tangerine #tangerine fic #tangerine fanfiction #tangerine fanfic #bullet train #bullet train fanfic #bullet train fanfiction #tangerine bullet train #bullet train tangerine #aaron taylor johnson #tangerine x reader #tangerine x you #tangerine imagine #tangerine imagines #tangerine one shot #tangerine drabble #tangerine oneshot #bullet train fic #tangerine smut #tangerine fluff #tangerine headcanon #tangerine x y/n #Tangerine fanfic #bullet train imagines #bullet train imagine #bullet train drabble #Tangerine angst #bullet train tangerine fanfiction #bullet train tangerine fanfic

[mysteryshoptls]

SSR Jamil Viper - Platinum Jacket Vignette

"Happy 100th Anniversary"

[Land of Dawning – National Museum of Art]

Jamil: As a supporter of the Land of Dawning National Museum of Art's 100th Anniversary Celebration, I've made sure to look into every single exhibit.

Jamil: If I recall, the next exhibit over should have a painting of the Sorcerer of the Sands on display…

???: That's a good look he's got there. Makes sense, though, this captures the moment he got his hands on that Very Rare mat he'd been searching a long time for, so.

Jamil: Idia-senpai, is that you over there…?

Idia: EEK! O-O-Oh, it's Jamil-shi. Don't just suddenly start talking to me like that…

Jamil: My apologies. I didn't expect you to be this startled just by calling out to you.

Jamil: At any rate, this painting is spectacular… It's overwhelming to see the real thing in person like this.

Jamil: He overcame countless ordeals and finally obtained the magic lamp that he had been continuously seeking for many years…

Jamil: This painting perfectly depicts the legendary tale of the Sorcerer of the Sands.

Idia: …He continuously searched for just one thing for countless years, huh. I think I can sympathize with him.

Jamil: Sympathize?

Idia: Ah, no, uh… I just meant that there was something that I wanted to have, no matter how hard I'd have to struggle to get it, is all…

Jamil: Something you wanted to have, no matter how hard you'd have to struggle for it, hm…

Idia: Th-The way you reacted there… W-Was there something that you wanted, Jamil-shi?

Jamil: Yes, I suppose I want…

Jamil: THE POWER TO COMMAND THE UNIVERSE.

Idia: HUH!?!

Idia: N-Never thought I'd hear those words come out of your mouth, sounds like something a middle schooler would say…

Jamil: I was just trying to mimic a quote that comes from the legends of the Sorcerer of the Sands, but… Looks like you didn't catch the reference.

Idia: Ah, so it was a joke… For a second there I thought we were similar, soz…

Jamil: No, there's no need for you to apologize… We were talking about things we want, right?

Jamil: There are many things I want, but… I suppose my current priority is networking.

Idia: Siiigh, so that's what you went with.

Idia: Still feel like I could relate better with you when you said you wanted "the power to command the universe"…

Jamil: In order to fulfill my deepest desires, I need useful…

Jamil: …I mean, helpful people with whom I can solidify and further my relationships with.

Jamil: After all, they say that the Sorcerer of the Sands also received assistance from many people in order to obtain that magic lamp.

Jamil: That is why I want to network and make human connections, so that I will never miss out on my deepest desires.

Idia: Yeah, I can get wanting to get your hands on a rare item as much as the next guy, but…

Idia: Leaving it to other people means they could end up betraying you. And it'd already be impossible to set up those human relations from the get-go.

Idia: But hey, since the Sorcerer of the Sands held the spirit of deliberation…

Idia: Maybe he was able to work with others the same way you think through things, Jamil-shi. IDK.

Jamil: If there were any similarities in the way the Sorcerer of the Sands and I thought, then I would consider that a high honor.

Jamil: In most legends, he is described as a man who was prepared for any possible circumstance that could arise.

Jamil: That is, in both the country's affairs, and his personal affairs.

Jamil: In order to become someone as great as he was, I will continue to improve myself with care.

[Land of Dawning – National Museum of Art]

Jamil: This is a painting of a bird. It seems what's depicted here is the hornbill that served the royal King of Beasts family for generations…

Idia: U-Uh-huh… Looks like it's spouting something of all smug-like.

Jamil: Perhaps he's advising the royal family on something… Or no, maybe he's just lecturing.

Jamil: From what I understand, in addition to being the king's chamberlain, he was also the prince's chaperone as well.

Idia: For him to lecture someone he serves like that, he's either got guts or is unafraid of anything…

Jamil: Well, if the prince was the type to do his own thing, or act without thinking, dragging other people around him into his messes…

Jamil: I think I also would have a few frank words to say to him.

Idia: Jamil-shi, doesn't it seem like you're bringing your own feelings into this?

Jamil: …You must be imagining it.

Jamil: Now that I think of it… I heard that this hornbill was once asked by the King of Beasts to sing lullabies.

Idia: H-He asked his stern chamberlain for lullabies… Sounds like the King of Beasts' courage knew no bounds.

Jamil: Perhaps he got along well with the King of Beasts, let alone the prince.

Idia: My vote is that he'd have him sing lullabies in retaliation for nagging him day in and day out.

Jamil: Haha, that's possible too.

Jamil: But even so… Lullabies, huh. I remember my sister used to pester me for them all the time way back when, too.

Idia: U-Uh-huh… What another lovely memory for you.

Jamil: I don't know what you may be imagining, Idia-senpai… But it absolutely isn't a lovely memory at all.

Idia: Eh, r-really?

Jamil: Yes. Even though I tried my utmost to sing her a lullaby to help her sleep…

Idia: She wouldn't sleep at all?

Jamil: That'd still be a cuter outcome than what would happen.

Jamil: She'd furrow her brow at me and say YOU'RE TERRIBLE AT THIS!

Idia: Gaha! Out of the mouths of babes, as they say!!

Idia: Oh, but you were part of the NRC Tribe, right?

Idia: So that should mean that your singing was good enough to be chosen by that Vil Schoenheit, right?

Jamil: Well, sure… Ever since my sister first made fun of me, I've practiced a lot. I thought I improved enough that I could sing in front of people without embarrassing myself.

Jamil: My sister was also watching the live broadcast of the VDC, so I said to her, "Guess you can't make fun of me for being terrible at singing anymore"…

Jamil: And she responded with, "What are you even talking about?"

Idia: So she didn't even remember she said all that!? H-Heehee… Jamil-shi, that sucks!

Jamil: Right, I felt like an idiot for overthinking it for years.

Jamil: Well, I guess all's end that ends well, since all that practice means that my grades in music class don't suffer.

[Land of Dawning – National Museum of Art]

Idia: Ooh, the painting we can see over there is of the Thorn Fairy. It looks like she's in a bit of a pinch surrounded by a ton of soldiers.

Jamil: Yes but look at her expression. Although there are so many weapons pointed at her, she fears nothing.

Idia: More like the soldiers are the ones who're scared of her. But, how did this situation happen, in the first place?

Jamil: They say that the Thorn Fairy held magical power so great that everyone prostrated themselves before her. That is why she is legendary.

Jamil: However, humans often fear those who have unfathomable power…

Jamil: So I'm sure there were some humans who would attempt to point their weapons at her in this fashion. Foolish, is all I can call them.

Idia: Uh-huuuh, I see. If it were a video game, I can understand getting all excited trying to figure out a way out of throng of people, but…

Idia: If I ever got surrounded by so many people IRL, I'd faint immediately.

Jamil: I'm sure you're just overexaggerating about the faint…

Idia: Overexaggerating!? J-Jamil-shi, are you saying that you could go up against a large group of people like that and stay composed?

Jamil: Hm, I would… I would come back another day and request to speak one-on-one with the king who commands those soldiers.

Jamil: Well, that's assuming that they are a king who is willing to have a rational discussion.

Idia: Oh, so you wouldn't be able to handle them like the Thorn Fairy would…

Jamil: Well, isn't she considered one of the Great Seven because she can accomplish things that ordinary people cannot?

Jamil: Not only does she harness great power, but she is also very big-hearted. If it were me, I would probably have retaliated against them.

Idia: Oh, yeah? What kind of revenge would you come up with? Make 'em stub their toe on a desk corner or something?

Jamil: Heh, perhaps.

Idia: Oh, that look in his eyes means he's definitely plotting something…

Idia: I-I just remembered something urgent I need to do, so I'll leave you to it!

[Idia runs away]

Jamil: Something urgent? What else could he possibly have to do here? As supporters we're just here to enjoy the art museum.

Jamil: Well, no matter. I was just thinking I'd like to look at the exhibits quietly without anyone else bothering me.

Jamil: "What kind of revenge would I come up with?"… Hm.

Jamil: Well, if it were me…

Jamil: I would make them feel abject humiliation in every possible way so they could never walk the earth with dignity ever again.

Requested by @bibi-cha.

#twisted wonderland #twst #jamil viper #idia shroud #twst jamil #twst idia #twst translation #twst birthday #mention: najma

[luveline]

hi!!! i really love your writing, i was thinking maybe i could request something for the steve zombie! au? maybe the reader and steve get separated (maybe the reader and eddie go outside of camp and don’t come back for a couple of days, so steve thinks something went wrong and maybe someone got to them) but after days they reunite and it all protective steve fluff? idk if you don’t like it it’s fine just ignore me hehe 🫶🏼

sorry this wasn't very angsty but there is fluff! ty for requesting ♡ steve zombie au. fem!reader, 1.4k

You and Eddie lie with an amicable space between you, though you've agreed to share a huge sleeping bag to conserve a modicum of heat. His hair touches your shoulder whenever he moves. 

"Why are you looking at me?" you ask. 

"Are you okay?" he asks quietly. 

"No. I… yeah, I'm okay." 

Eddie never tries anything, doesn't touch you beyond friendly pats on the shoulder or knuckle touches after a job well done. He's never given you any reason to worry, but Steve said he's a guy. He didn't think Eddie was gonna hurt you, but there was a possibility he'd flirt. All I'm saying is that it didn't take long for me to fall in love with you, Steve'd said, his hands in your waistband, tucking in your shirt. 

You laughed. Steve, you didn't like me. 

Well, not out loud. And I was dumb enough to miss how lucky I was for a while. Eddie's not that stupid. He's not gonna try nothing, but… You know, don't fall in love with him. Please.

You'd wrapped your arms around his neck and shoulders and had him take your weight, impressed and in love at the subtle strength he used to keep you both standing. Don't worry. I won't. I never would. 

Not with Steve in this world. Even then, if Steve somehow met his demise, you're pretty sure you'd be done with love. 

"Worrying about loverboy?" Eddie asks. 

You're definitely worrying about loverboy. "I told him I'd be back in the morning. It's been a whole extra day. He gets– gets so worried. Honestly, it won't surprise me if he turns up looking for us."

"You've been apart?" 

"Two or three times." You wince, thinking about Steve the last time you'd been separated. How he'd put his hands under your arms and hugged you, even though you couldn't open your eyes. The time before, how he'd cried into your stomach, hands grasping blindly at your back. "I think he worries about me 'cos I'm kind of useless." 

"That's not true. Robin told me all about your psycho takeover." 

"She did?" you ask, covering your face with your hand.

"I wanted to know why she calls you killer." 

"That's pretty much the only time I've defended myself. He always does the hard work."

"If you're really that useless, why'd you come?" He turns on his side away from you. "You're fine. You've learned to fight just like the rest of us. Steve knows you can take care of yourself. He's probably sleeping like a baby waiting for you to bring him back his new jacket." 

You dig for the necklace Steve gave you so long ago under your shirt. You'd thought you lost it, having taken it off before bed the night you escaped the College, but he had it. He gave it back. The little diamond is hard between your fingers. You press it to your lips, wondering if he's really as okay as Eddie claims.

—

Steve lies on his back in the clearing, wishing he was dead. The anxiety is genuinely so bad he's agonised and prone. 

Robin laughed at him for worrying when you didn't show up in the morning as you planned to, but by nightfall she was equally worried. A day later, she sits cross legged by his head, her hand on his arm. She's feigning reading, her bottom lip nibbled raw. 

"You want some chapstick?" he asks. 

"Nah. Stings." 

He sits up feeling like someone's kicked him all over. "The brain is a stupid organ. I'm worried about Y/N, so sure, I get to feel like a jet engine fell on me."

"She's fine." He and Robin have been playing a game where one of them mentions you and the other immediately reassures that you're alive. He quite likes it. It makes it easier to breathe. "You need to chill out, that's all. Eddie had that fucking shotgun. They're not in any danger." 

"What if she fell and broke her leg or something? He's carrying her across the country like a backpack. That should be me." 

"What if he fell and broke his leg? You wanna go give Eddie a lift?" Robin asks, grinning. 

Steve thinks the worst part is that he misses you. He's so worried about you he could throw up (he almost did at breakfast, every mouthful cement thick), but he just hates turning to talk to you and finding empty space. He misses the way you smile, your tentative hand holding, even the way you look at him. He remembers the first time he realised you liked him, how your gaze had slowly gone from annoyed to admiring, how your eyes would catch on his arms or the corner of his mouth. 

He remembers wiping sleep from your eyes, how hot your cheek felt under hand, and the pit it opened in his stomach. It's a strange thing to notice someone's fallen in love with you by themselves. He had catching up to do. It's probably why he feels like he's on death's door whenever you're not around.

"I don't wanna give Munson anything. S'already stealing my girl, smarmy bastard. They ran away to be together."

Robin gasps. He thinks, Well, I was kidding, then, Holy shit they've actually run away together.

"Stevie!" your voice echoes. "Hey! I've been looking all over for you, why are you guys out here?" 

Steve's neck clicks like a Jacob ladder as his head whips up. The fear and anxiety drains from his body, a rapid exsanguination. You look tired but blissfully alive as you jog across the grass clearing, your backpack weighed down and your empty canteens rattling against your thigh. 

Steve trips over grass whorls to get to you. Your little laugh before he grabs you drives him crazy. 

"Where the fuck have you been?" he asks. 

"Got lost. Sorry. Love you," you say, rubbing your cheek against his, your hands bunching up his shirt. You smell like dirt, grass, and tent plastic. It's frankly the best smell in the whole world. He sniffs at you greedily.

"I thought you died," he says. 

"Yeah, I did. Eddie gave me sloppy CPR–" You screech as Steve sweeps your leg from under you and giggle as he holds you up, begging for forgiveness as he threatens to drop you. "Sorry, it was just so easy! You set it up for me!" 

You laugh as he drags a kiss along your jaw, his stubble scramming your softer skin. 

"I love you," he says, "even if you're seeing other boys."

"Never." You close your eyes and wait for a kiss. Steve's more happy that you expect one than he is to give one, which is saying a lot —he wants to kiss you bad enough to feel the phantom of it before he's closed the gap between you. 

He gives you way too many kisses. 

You push your head down into the crook of his neck and hold him tight. "Sorry I didn't come back when I said I would. Didn't scare you too much, did I? 

He was scared shitless. "No, it's alright. It's okay."

He takes your face into his hands and checks you're all in one piece. Same smile. Same dazzled squint when he kisses you. 

You leave his arms too soon for his liking. Robin waits patiently for her own hug, less so when you shed your backpack. She hugs you as it falls to the floor. 

"Miss me?" you ask into her hair. 

"Thought I'd be stuck with mopey Steve forever." Her insult doesn't land, her voice heavy with relief. "You know coming back in the morning doesn't mean any morning, right? Just checking." 

"Sorry, Robin. I missed you." 

"Eddie bad company?" 

"He's nice, he's just not you guys." 

Steve puts a hand on your back, fingers hooked in your belt loop. "Where is he?"

"Playing Peter Pan in the mess tent. I got you guys the best winter jackets ever. Though me and you are sort of matching, Steve." You look at him over your shoulder sheepishly. "Sorry." 

"The horror," he murmurs. 

#steve zombie!au #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x you #steve harrington x y/n #steve harrington #steve harrington fic #steve harrington blurb #steve harrington drabble #stranger things x reader #stranger things fic #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington fanfiction #stranger things #stranger things 4

[restinslices]

If Bi-Han Was A Sub

Let it be known I'm a Virgin. I'm Bisexual and Bi-myself. I get no bitches. Absolutely zero play. So take everything I say with a grain of salt.  No pronouns used. Mentions of sex from behind but that could be a dick or a strap on. Whatever fits your fantasy. And obviously MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. SCHOOL IS IN SESSION. READ A BOOK.

I know the chances of Bi-Han being a sub are pretty low. I get that. I understand why people write him as a Dom… but if he wasn't-

I don't think he would come out and say this is what he wanted. Most likely it just kinda happened? You guys just kept having sex and you noticed he let you take the reins, and you just kept seeing how much you could get away with. 

When you do eventually bring this up he's like "what are you talking about? I'm not a fucking sub". Sir- 

I feel like you'd keep the same position and role, but it wouldn't actually have a label. It'd take awhile for him to actually say he takes the submissive role. 

I also don't think he'd make initiating sex a big deal. Some people try really hard to seduce their partner and I can see him just coming up to you and saying "I want you". 

Having this big man under you and listening to everything you say though? Heavenly. 

That's a fucking lie. Why? He's stubborn and disobedient 

Kuai Liang gives ready to serve, this MF gives off ready to get on your nerves 

What's wild is that he does this shit on purpose. 

This the same guy who keeps reminding Tomas he's an orphan. Trust me, this bitch is petty. Unnecessarily so. 

I feel like he'd do shit to piss you off because A) he's petty. B) he likes seeing you pissed off. And C) he's into punishments. 

We can all tell this man is not fragile. So roughhousing is definitely encouraged and appreciated. Realistically, there's a good chance he's stronger than you and could just flip shit if he wanted, but he doesn't. Honestly though, in my head that would add to the fun for both of you. The fact he could physically stop all this, but chooses not to. 

This concept would especially get milked if he was being punished. 

He would start mouthing off and you'd be like "if you hate this so much, why not stop me? You're strong enough to". He'd have no real response because he had no legitimate reason. 

"You know what I think? I think the Grandmaster is just like every other man; a slut who needs to be put in his place". 

However, if there is something he doesn't like, he has no problem with telling you. You wouldn't have to worry about secretly hurting him or making him feel like shit because he'd let you know immediately if you were taking it too far. Obviously you'd apologize, and he'd just tell you to make sure it didn't happen again. 

Things I'd think he'd be into is impact play, rough sex, dirty talk, restraints, temp play, overstimulation, masochism, and probably some more shit I can't think of. I feel like his kink list is like when someone pulls out a small scroll, then it turns out that bitch is long and hits the floor. I feel like he'd also enjoy humiliation to an extent. He doesn't want to be embarrassed in public, but if you made him beat off in front of a mirror while you watched, he wouldn't be against it. 

Idk why but he really gives me "hit me harder vibes". You'll think you're hitting him hard but then he'd ask you to hit him harder. 

"Harder" probably explains his entire vibe. He pisses you off to make your life harder. He wants you to hit him harder. Be harder on him when he breaks a rule. Fuck him harder. Just be harder. He's not easily breakable. He can handle it. 

I just really feel like he enjoys rough sex from behind. Probably finds that shit relaxing. 

I feel like the punishment he'd absolutely hate would be orgasm denial. One night is already tough but when you won't let him cum for an extended amount of time? Torture. 

He gives off the vibes of someone who wants constant sex, so cutting him off would be hard. I feel like this is the only rule he for sure wouldn't break because he knows you'd just reset the amount of days he can't cum for. 

Aftercare with him would probably be difficult because he wouldn't say what he needed. He's good at telling you when he's uncomfortable with something, but isn't good at saying exactly what he wants when you're done. He's just not used to being pampered and thinks asking you to do things like cuddle with him is embarrassing. 

It's obviously not though, so you make sure to take care of him. 

He appreciates it, even if he won't say he does. 

He makes sure to care for you as well. He's an asshole but he's not that big of an asshole. If you're warm from all the moving, he'd cool you down. He'd probably try to get up to run you a bath and you're like "sit the fuck down". 

Probably enjoys silence afterwards. I don't mean he doesn't wanna hear you or he wants to pretend you don't exist. He just enjoys feeling your presence there and the sound of whatever is outside. 

An afterthought I just had. Bi-Han grunts, Kuai Liang moans loudly, Tomas probably whines. 

I know I should be writing Liar pt 2, and I am. Unfortunately the voices have taken over so this came out first. Might make another part, maybe a short Drabble. Idk. I do know that I will make one of these for Kuai Liang and Tomas.

#bi han #bi han x reader #subzero #Subzero x reader #Bi han mk1 #Bi han smut #subzero smut #Sub subzero #Sub bi han #Mk1smut #mortal kombat smut #sub character #Fact he ain’t real is some bullshit because I need him #Mdni

[litnerdwrites]

Azriel in Silver Flames

I've basically hated the IC since... Acowar, honestly. But the more I think about it, the more conflicted I am about Azriel. I liked him in every book, but in retrospect, I'm not so sure anymore. This is mostly regarding his treatment of Nesta, since he honestly didn't do much before hand the start of Silver Flames, and he didn't do too much during it either.

I understand why Azriel would stay away from Nesta from the end of ACOWAR to the start of Silver Flames. He's observant, and I imagine he's figured out that Nesta doesn't want to spend time with the IC. Moreover, he may also see it as being in Feyre's jurisdiction, and wanting to stay out of it out of respect for her privacy and what not. It's his behaviour through out silver flames that has me conflicted.

Azriel was raised in confinement with limited interactions with other people. He saw his mother once a week, for limited time and suffered physical and verbal abuse, and torture during that time. He had no control over his schedule, food, social interactions, nothing. Yet, despite that, he allowed Nesta to be isolated and kept on a strict schedule and diet that she has no say in, and we never see any signs of him arguing against it. Especially since he knows being locked up somewhere against your will, where you can't leave, often made to do things you don't want, is what most of the IC's trauma roots from (Amren in the Prison, Rhys UTM, Feyre UTM, Mor in the CON, Azriel in his father's dungeon, etc). Why the, seemingly, most sensible person allowed this is beyond me.

Azriel, through out the book, never protests against this treatment either. He treats Nesta decently, though that is the absolute minimum. She should've been treated like that, regardless, of where she was or what she was doing.

He despises Illyria, knows the dangers out there, from both males and whatever's in those forests, yet he doesn't protest against Nesta going. We've seen that there are days where she wanders around on her own (like when she went to Emerie's), without protection. What would happen if she jumped off a cliff or a steep bluff? Or if she went into the forests? What about if some of the males attacked her? It's not like she was constantly supervised. trusting her witch status will keep them away is too risky, since some might not care. Azriel knows the dangers of Illyria, and he let her be taken there. He saw how Illyria hurt his mother, and how she was treated, first hand.

He doesn't do anything even after suspecting that Cassian pushed her down the stairs, or witnessing her being verbally abused by Cassian, and Rhys when he cares to show up. He doesn't defend her, or shut his brothers down, he just lets it happen, seemingly unbothered. Idk about you, but if I was at dinner, and my brother said to his girlfriend, the things that Cassian says to Nesta, I'd drag him out the front door by the hair myself.

Azriel also had a bag packed for Nesta and Cassian's hike from hell, waiting for Cassian to come get it. He let Cassian take Nesta somewhere else against her will. He, presumably, knew about the plan to take her on that hike, helped prepare for it, and just let it happen without a care. He knew where they were taking her, and what they were going to make her do, and he let it happen.

Then there's the issue regarding the Trove. Azriel pushes for Nesta's right to know about what her powers can do, yet he doesn't have any issue pushing her into life threatening situation to keep Elain from it? He says that Elain shouldn't be exposed to whatever darkness the trove and cauldron possess, but that alone implies that Nesta should be exposed to it, and that's despite her mental condition at the time.

While I don't think Azriel's status as a spymaster means he should know things like Nesta's fear of fire, and her suicidal ideation, but it does mean that there's a very good chance that he does (and yet he still sends her on that hike). Knowing this, Azriel implies that Nesta should go on these life threatening missions, where she could be killed, or commit suicide, or be taken.

Azriel is shown to stand up to/argue with Rhysand in the bonus chapters. He does so for himself and arguably Elain. Why doesn't he do it for Nesta too?

It's all of these little things that leave a bitter taste in my mouth regarding Azriel.

Would he have tried to beg/force Nesta to go instead of Elain had she refused, or if he would've stood up for Nesta if Cassian had become physically violent with her. If she refused to go on that hike, would he have fought for her right to chose like he did before? If Rhys tried to kill her, would he stand up to him for her? If Elain is mistreated in her book, would he stand up for her? If so, why not Nesta too? How can he call himself her friend if he doesn't at least try to talk about how wrong it is, assuming he even realises it's wrong to start with.

We haven't gotten much of his pov yet, and he doesn't really say much, but from what I have seen, I'm concerned. Azriel may not be actively trying to hurt Nesta, but it feels like he enables his brothers and his court too much.

Didn't Tamlin dod the same, along with his court, who watched Feyre whither away, and did nothing. Even if they didn't see what was happening in her head, they saw her wasting away from lack of sleep or food. Isn't Azriel doing the same to Nesta by letting her be treated that way? Reaming neutral still makes him part of the problem, doesn't it?

Am I the only one who gets this bad taste in my mouth when I think about this?

#anti ic #nesta deserves better #pro nesta #anti acosf #anti rhysand #anti inner circle #nesta acotar