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rainbows-fanfics · 2 years

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Human Emotions

Part 1

She allows herself to see him again. Claire Finn endures a week of not contacting the Kaylon after their discussion. In that time, she has hours to herself where she reflects on what was exchanged between them. From Isaac's confession of experiencing a human emotion to the possibility of continuing their relationship, she has a lot to ponder about. All she seems to do during her breaks is stare outside and think of nothing but Isaac. He has been the source of her distractions the past month, but it's different this time. Instead of clenching her fists in hate every time her mind even processes the thought of him, she is now fascinated. Absorbed in thinking where this could take the two of them -- naturally going through one of the most artificial processes with a similar consent on either side. That he wants to do it the 'appropriate' way instead of pretending that they simply forgot about everything. In a way, she admires him for taking that step - ensuring he apologized to her just so her forgiveness to him can be more genuine. He is honest. But she isn't sure whether she's liking it or just respecting it.

It's hard not to reveal his appearance to her fellow coworkers. Claire is tempted to share this with either Kelly or Talla; tell them how Isaac had the guts(or lack thereof) to approach her and apologize. The conversation would've most likely been in distaste, which is why she decides against it. She found it endearing that he did what he did and said what he said, even if it derived from his betrayal and endangerment of every species. He's changing, but she isn't sure if anyone else will notice that. This is attested when she invites him to her quarters one afternoon after her shift ended. In the invitation, she called it a "formal consultation", but her intentions were obvious that she figured even Isaac would understand. He must've, as when she called for him to come in, she found him carrying a tangerine in his left hand. "Your irritability, having not consumed any sustenance after 16:00 hours, has not improved. I thought this gesture would be...thoughtful." He tells her. And he's right. Moments after ingesting it, she feels a lot better. Small details like these beckon her to speak with him again. Their first arrangement consists of an enlightening discussion on how they are going to execute this process. They settle on times when both of them are free - after-hours, in the mornings, or during their breaks - and when they are willing to speak more. To neither of their surprise, it's Claire's end that depends on whether she wants to talk or not. And as the days drag by, she realizes how badly she wants to resume their communications. As it is painful to undergo nearly a month without speaking to him, she finds it just as difficult to cut off contact days after he offered her a fruit just so she wouldn't get cranky. Their second disposition -- taking place 5 days after their previous talk -- is where they dig further into the situation at hand. Claire makes it clear that this is going to be a complicated process; one that will not resolve itself so quickly. Isaac promises he never expected it to, and, as he puts it, "wants to continue this forgiveness as naturally as possible". Her feelings are not forced, nor are they rushed...she is, in fact, given her space and time to consider most of her responses - where Isaac sits back and gives the patience necessary in order to conduct this process. He seems so unreal. Nothing like a human man. They would be a lot more demanding and impatient, that's for sure. They have a moment where they talk about how the Kaylon situation affected them. While Claire takes a considerable amount of time ranting about how her family suffered emotionally, she is surprised to find Isaac has a similar result. He talks about his reaction to losing his only home, attacking his own people, and practically diminishing his chances of ever being accepted into his own species ever again. Although he can't express it, she can tell the weights of his actions have taken a toll on him. The way he describes it is nothing like she has ever heard before. "The last words Primary spoke were 'you will always be alone'. It was directed to myself, and I am unsure as to why that was." Isaac sits back a little in his chair, stiff in posture. "It was unnecessary. I knew the results of my actions. I am the cause of my isolation. Therefore, I can only assume Primary was reaffirming the Kaylon's perception of me after my rebellion." She is so stunned by his words that she has to ask. "You had to face all of that? Your loneliness, your abandonment of your own species...even your loss of a home - you did all of that just to protect Ty?"

She remembers him taking an unusually long time to respond. "--That is correct."

...What is she supposed to think, really? All this time, she thought the only ones affected by the Kaylon attack were the passengers of the Orville - who were led to their impending death. No one would think Isaac feels any way about it after instigating everything. But what happened with Ty was beyond anyone's eyes - even Claire's, as she hadn't known that part of the story. He didn't save her son for the credit or for his own redemption - he genuinely cared for him, and risked his relationship with his own kind for it. It made her feel guilty for avoiding him for so long...but she had to keep her front about this whole thing.

She is waiting in her living room, biding time until Isaac arrives. She invited him over for another 'talk'. Their last discussion about the Kaylon attack was still on her mind - she didn't expect him to open up to her in any genuine, human way, but how he said those words...about being alone...it touched something in her sentimentally, even though she knew it shouldn't. If Isaac feels sympathy, then what other organic emotions can he experience? Is he truly being affected by all of this? Or is it just a matter of 'fact' to him - to face the consequences of his actions? It's foolish to think he can feel every human emotion now, but she wants to know regardless.

Marcus and Ty returned from school an hour prior. She sternly told them to stay in their room in the meantime. She was worried they might hear Isaac's voice and feel upset, so she informed them ahead of time that he was coming. Ty was delighted with this news while Marcus appeared apprehensive - asking *why* she was even bothering to see him again. This was a difficult conversation to have with her children.

"Sometimes, when good people do bad things, they want to earn your forgiveness." She says in a motherly tone, offering them snacks. "That's what Isaac is trying to do. I have to talk with him until I can decide if I want to or not."

"-You should!" Ty speaks up, swiping the banana from his mother's hand. "He saved everyone! Don't you remember-"

"We've heard it before." Marcus interrupts. Ty shoots him a glare. His older brother sighs. "But, mom, why would you forgive him? He tried to kill everyone! For all we know, he might want to do it again. How can you trust him?"

She places an apple in his palm, patting his shoulder. "I didn't say this wasn't complicated, sweetie. I felt the same way you did, but we can offer him a second chance to explain himself. He'll have to earn your forgiveness, too."

Marcus' face contorts in thought. It's clear this situation is beyond their understanding...but this is their ex father-figure, whom they got attached to. They are owed an apology just like she is. But she hasn't let Isaac anywhere near her boys after what happened. Not until she's sure he's worth forgiving. Things have been difficult without him around - with Ty's new piano teacher, and Marcus not having a tutor anymore. Ty regularly complained while Marcus was constantly struggling with his grades. It's clear his absence affects her family - but they have to live through it, if things don't go well.

She shooed them away for the afternoon. Ty burst into a fit of tears hearing he couldn't see Isaac - which was another difficult situation she had to deal with. Eventually, her boys are secured in their room. She can hear the sound of a game console, but it isn't loud enough to disrupt her thoughts. As she stands, a chime comes from her front door. She perks up at the expected noise - but corrects her posture. She scolds herself for even feeling excited that he's here.

"Come in, Isaac."

The door swipes open and the Kaylon steps inside. He looks at her before peering around the room. Like he's searching for something. She opens her mouth to ask what he's looking for, but he beats her to it when he turns and makes a polite gesture with his hands.

"According to their schedule, Marcus and Ty have returned from school. Are they not here?"

"They're in their rooms. And they won't be coming out, so don't get your hopes up."

These words leave her lips harshly, like she hopes it'll make him feel bad. Isaac dips his head at this information. She motions for him to sit at their table while she fetches a drink from the food simulator. When she turns around, he's seated with his hands placed open on the countertop. He always looks stiff when he sits down. She isn't sure if he can feel uncomfortable, but it isn't the mood she wants to set. She places down her cup and looks him from head-to-toe.

"Would you like anything to...hold?"

"I have no need for human nutritional substance," He replies automatically. She rolls her eyes. Just like old times.

"Just trying to be hospitable." She sits down beside him. Their knees almost touch. She reflexes back instantly. "You wouldn't mind if I asked you something a little...personal today, would you?"

"Of course not, Dr. Finn." He noticed her hesitation and added, "I will be truthful with my responses."

"I was thinking about our last conversation. And what you said, when we talked...about how Primary told you that you'll always be 'alone'...did you believe him?"

He doesn't expect this question, judging from the way he moves his head back in surprise. He answers anyway. "-It was an accurate observation. With the loss of my planet, I am alone regarding the Kaylon."

"But do you feel like you're alone here? On the Orville?"

He stares at her. "Others, including the Captain, have made it clear that they require space. I am not approached off the Bridge since I have not received anyone's...forgiveness."

"You mean, no one's talked to you besides me?"

"That is correct. You were the only one I initiated conversation with, in order to ensure you received my apology."

She fiddles with the handle of her cup. "But doesn't that make you feel lonely?"

He shoots this suggestion down. "--It is not within my programming to experience human emotions."

"But you felt sympathy. Don't you think you're capable of feeling other things, too?"

Maybe she's projecting onto him. Like everyone aboard the Orville tends to do with their Kaylon officer. She tries putting herself in his shoes, being ignored by everyone around you and practically shunned from a highly-populated ship, even though you saved them all. To not have contact with another being for so long, only spoken to during work and nothing else...it's one of the most loneliest experiences she can imagine. And that's what Isaac is going through right now. No one thinks twice of avoiding him since he can't feel emotions - even she's guilty of doing it - but what if it's been taking a turmoil on him this entire time?

His answer surprises her. "I do not know."

She quirks an eyebrow. "You don't? Really?" She can't fight the laugh leaving her lips. "This is the first I've heard you not knowing something."

"Primary rendered me defective for experiencing organic feelings. My programming does not recognize them, because it is not possible for a Kaylon. I cannot detect if I am lonely, since I do not understand it. Dr. Finn, please elaborate."

Claire isn't sure what to say, taken aback at how...desperate he sounds, despite his monotone voice. She thinks carefully before clacking her tongue. "Well, do you feel any different without the company of others? Something's missing or maybe things feel 'off'..? Compared to them being with you?"

His shoulders move as if he's breathing, even though it's not possible. "To be accompanied was not a common occurrence. I was occasionally invited to observe with the company of others. Therefore, there is no change. Yet my programs appear to behave differently."

"Differently?"

"I ran several diagnostics and identified similar errors to the time after our...breakup." He explains slowly. "My internal functions are no longer working efficiently. I cannot reroute my algorithms. Since this has only occurred when we were separated, I believe your lack of presence still affects my efficiency."

Her heart hammers in her chest hearing this confession again. It was a romantic gesture when he called her to the Bridge and simulated rain, offering to mend their relationship. Because he was better with her than without her. He made mistakes in his calculations and couldn't perform the same if he removed her from his life. Since she'd been so deeply ingrained into his everyday routines. She forgot that was even a thing...and how it would still effect him now. Her fingers curl into the fabric of her shirt as she tries to process this information once more.

"So it's just me you're missing?" She asks, swallowing the knot in her throat.

"Events that are also integral to my internal functioning include Ty's piano lessons and Marcus' homework evaluation. Without these actions to perform, I am not operating optimally."

'He misses all of us,' she thinks to herself. It stirs a familiar hope inside of her - that he might reciprocate what they're feeling, and step in as the true father figure in her family. She clenches her fists tightly in her lap to fight back any tears. She can handle talk of their failed relationship. What used to happen between them. But when he mentions her sons...it makes her throat tight and her eyes water. To think that he misses them and what they used to do together...

She tries to hide her reaction by looking away and wiping her eyes with her sleeve. After a choked breath, she tells him, "Well, Isaac....that sounds an awful lot like loneliness to me."

"Impossible." He refutes. "I cannot experience human emotions. That would indicate I am-"

He pauses. He actually pauses. It's the first time she's ever heard him do that. He never leaves a sentence unfinished unless something interrupts him. She looks up in disbelief and finds him staring at her perplexingly. It takes a minute before he's able to finish his sentence.

"-That would mean I am defective." He doesn't wait for her reaction before he rambles to himself. "-Not possible. I cannot be faulty. I am a superior artificial life-form. I am-"

"For God's sake!" She abruptly stands from her chair, gesturing to him exasperatedly. "Is it so bad to be different from everybody else!? You were the only Kaylon who cared about humanity, and that's why we're....that's why Ty is still here. Did it ever occur to you that feeling human emotions could be a good thing?"

She's leaning over the table with her hands gripped firmly at its sides, shoving her face in front of Isaac's robotic one. It's been so long since she stared deeply into those blue orbs. To be close enough to him to even do this....her arms shake as she loses her grasp. Memories flood her mind the longer she stares at him. Claire caves in to her tears and whimpers, her head falling into her shoulders. She steps back and hides her face in her hands. It's finally happened. She lost control of her emotions...and it didn't even take that long of an exchange between them.

"We loved you, you...cold-hearted bastard!" She sobs into her palms. "Ty loved you so much he said goodbye when we thought you were gone, and I...I gave you everything. My body, my family, my love....and you can't see any of that as more than a defect!"

He stands from his own seat, mimicking her movements. "Doctor-"

He doesn't finish whatever he was going to say. Claire looks up from her hands and finds his attention directed somewhere else. She follows his gaze to see Ty standing in the doorway, staring between them with his mouth agape. His brown eyes come to his mother in worry. They're watery, like he is on the brink of crying as well. He must've heard her screaming. He clutches at his shirt as she gasps.

"Mom? Are you okay?"

"Ty, honey, go back to your room. Now." She points in its direction. He looks away regretfully towards the other figure standing there.

"...Hi, Isaac."

"Hello, Ty."

He ducks his head before running off to his room. She waits for the door to fully close before sitting back in her seat, sighing deeply and drying her cheeks. Isaac takes this cue to sit back on the cushion. His stare is still directed at her, not once taking it off from her figure. She appreciates his attentiveness but feels embarrassed for losing her patience. She takes this moment to collect herself. She should've expected this from the start - while it hurt to hear him regard these feelings as nothing more but flaws, it was the only natural conclusion to him. His kind think they're superior and hold themselves highly for being more advanced than humanity - of course he would refuse any humane experience that challenges that.

"Doctor, may I ask you a question?" His voice interrupts her thoughts. She groans, still feeling unprepared from her outburst.

"Fine."

"When can we make negotiations to resume our coupling?"

"You're really going to ask me that? Now, of all times?"

He tilts his head, ever so oblivious at the social cues. "Is this not an appropriate time?"

"Isaac, I..." She sighs with impatience. She needs to get to the point, otherwise they're going to be babbling into the night. "I have to forgive you first, before I even consider letting you into my life again like that." Her eyes droop as she muses to herself. "I know you're not operating right and you probably need me around, but...I'm not going to want to be with someone who can't love me."

"Love; an intense feeling of deep affection." He states this proudly. She looks up at him with unimpressed eyes. "My processors cannot decipher this...organic feeling. I have previously attempted this. It is not something that is written clearly - and I get different results each time I process it."

"Like what?"

He lowers his head. Then she hears a recording from her youngest son, whom they'd seen only a few minutes ago. "'Isaac, we love you'."

She suppresses the tight feeling in her chest with a fist. He takes this chance to elaborate. "--Before I deactivated all Kaylon onboard the Orville, that is what Ty told me. I looked into my database but could not find a consistent explanation for this term. It appears that there are different types, intentions, and expressions involving it. I can't find a clear definition and therefore struggle to assign one."

"That's the thing about human emotions. They're complicated and sometimes messy. 'Love' can be something you feel for your friends, your family, or even a...lover." The last word is hard to get out for some reason. "The word can mean different things depending on the person. Some people express and want things differently. That's just how it is sometimes."

He perks up in his seat. "I would like to learn more."

"-About what? Love?"

"Human emotions." He elaborates. He eases his hand to rest it in the middle of his armor, replicating where a human heart would be. For a second, he's quiet. He looks up at her. "I do not prefer being defective. I would fix myself - but despite all my diagnostics, I am unable to find a solution. I might be able to if I learn more about these...complicated feelings."

She can't believe what she's hearing. She leans forward in disbelief. "Do you really mean that?"

"I have no choice." He sounds defeated. It tugs at her heartstrings. "If I am to receive your forgiveness, I should understand the emotional aspect of it. It is...new. I would like to keep learning, even though I am no longer reporting back to the Kaylon."

She sits back in her seat, filled with intense feelings. Isaac wants to learn more about human emotions. Before, he was receiving anything he could about mankind - but he could not relate to them. Now that he does, he feels broken and wants to fix himself...it makes Claire feel unpleasant. She wants him to know he doesn't need fixing. That showing his humanity is not a weakness - rather, something that saved the ship and even her son. This is more than a promising sign to her. That he's trying to redeem himself after all.

"Isaac, if you promise to keep with this, then I....I forgive you." She blinks away a tear or two. "But I'd like to be the one to teach you about...love, and everything else, if you'll let me."

"-Does this mean we'll resume our relationship?"

She thinks long and hard about her answer. She settles on one, eventually. "-If you can get Marcus and Ty to forgive you, then I'll let you back into my family. We all have to be onboard with this before I make that decision."

He sits back, their frames upright in shared pleasantry. "Understood."

#The Orville #Claire Finn #Marcus Finn #Ty Finn #Seth Macfarlane #claire x isaac #isaac x claire #clisaac #fanfiction #fanfic

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