#WHERE THE *FUCK* IS GERALT

[podcastenthusiast]

"Here should be safe to set up camp," Geralt says, scanning the treeline with his eyes in that odd witcher way. Like he's seeing much more than a mere mortal could.

"Thank the gods," sighs Jaskier, who's been really starting to regret skiving off those physical fitness courses at Oxenfurt.

"Get a fire started while I tend to Roach."

"Oh Geralt, I'd love to, I would. Truly it's colder than a sorceress' shapely—"

"Jaskier."

"Well, as they say: you can lead a bard to timber, but you can't make him—"

"Just do it, Jaskier."

"I don't know how! All right? I've never built a fire in the middle of nowhere before! It's not one of the seven liberal arts, and I much prefer my fires stoked by comely barmaids in taverns."

Geralt looks at him for a long moment. It's a complicated look—frustration and amusement and a hint of regret. Mostly it's a look that says Jaskier is an idiot for joining him on the Path.

"Right," Geralt says slowly. He begins building the campfire himself.

"I imagine they teach wilderness survival to baby witchers at witcher school."

Geralt looks at him again and there's something different in his expression. The ghost of a smile? Jaskier doesn't quite know how to read it.

"Kaer Morhen," he says. "And yeah. Something like that."

"Oh?" Jaskier has to rein in his enthusiasm, his curious questions. Geralt so rarely reveals anything personal about himself or his past. Not that Jaskier has been forthcoming in that regard either. They live in the moment, day by day, but some context would help his creative process.

Besides all that, he genuinely wants to get to know Geralt a little better.

"Vesemir took me out into the forest one day. Gave me a knife and left me there for a month."

There is no bitterness in his words. If anything, the witcher sounds...almost fond. Nostalgic. Proud of his younger self for overcoming the challenges his mentors set before him.

It takes a moment for the true meaning of that to sink in and, once it does, Jaskier is horrified. His own parents weren't great, but even they would never simply abandon him.

"He just— like as a test— what—?"

"Real eloquent, bard. I doubt he had any choice. Probably wasn't even supposed to give me anything."

"How old were you?" he demands, unsure if any answer will make this revelation less abhorrent.

"Six? Seven? Maybe eight. I don't know." Geralt makes a gesture with his fingers and the pile of wood beneath his hand sparks with flame. "Not old enough to have learned Igni yet."

He can picture it, too, so vividly. Curse his dammed artist's imagination. Geralt, just a kid, alone and scared and definitely cold—because no one bothered to teach him how to start a fire.

"Stop it," the witcher snaps.

"What?"

"Looking at me like that. I'm fine. I was fine back then. Wasn't so bad at all compared to the Grasses. Vesemir came back for me like he said he would. I survived the trial—no, I didn't just survive; I exceeded all expectations, which is why they..." The witcher trails off. Takes a breath.

All of that... It's quite a lot of words for Geralt. Honest words, even.

It's his job to talk, to sing, to commit the most painful and difficult experiences to beautiful poetic verse. But Jaskier doesn't know what to say to his friend right now. Surely he has to say something.

"Geralt..."

"Don't waste your pity. Save it for the ones who didn't make it through. I did."

"Okay," the bard replies, careful and tentative. He isn't a brave man, nor a particularly kind one. But Jaskier considers himself an honest fellow so he adds, "Just because you made it through, you know, that doesn't mean what happened to you was all right, Geralt. Children aren't supposed to be left alone to fend for themselves."

The witcher laughs—a humorless, wretched sound. He doesn't say anything at all to that. Which is okay, really; Jaskier just needed him to hear it.

There is a long silence. The fire crackles. Jaskier absently strums his lute.

"You're gonna write a ballad about this, aren't you," Geralt says after a while.

"No!" Maybe. Yes. He won't perform it.

"Hm."

The fire crackles.

Quite out of the blue, Geralt tells him, "I befriended a wolf back then."

"What? You're joking!"

"Witchers don't have a sense of humor. Common knowledge."

"Common misconception. Most people are just stupid. No, hang on, stop distracting me—You had a pet wolf?!"

"Not a pet," the witcher corrects, smiling faintly. "Fangtooth was her own wolf."

"Fangtooth?" Jaskier repeats, struggling to contain his amusement. "Not Roach?"

"No."

"Forgive me, but that's adorable."

"I was just a child. I wanted to stay with her in the wilderness. Be a wolf, too. Or a knight." He shakes his head dismissively. Silly childish dreams.

"But you didn't," Jaskier says. And feels stupid for saying something so obvious.

"Too late for that," Geralt replies without reproach. "I was already a witcher."

"As a child, I wanted to run away and join the circus," the bard offers.

"Of course you did."

They're quiet for a moment then. Comfortable, shared silence. Just the sounds of birds and forest creatures, and Roach contentedly eating grass. The fire crackles.

"Geralt, will you teach me to light a fire? Without witcher magic, obviously, since I don't have any."

"Why?"

"Because...well, because I could be a more useful traveling companion. Like Fangtooth must've been."

"...Fine," Geralt agrees after some thought.

It is a skill he will be very grateful to have on freezing nights in the coming years, especially whenever the witcher is too injured or ill from those dreadful potions to help set up camp. He will try not to think of the child Geralt once was, subjected to horrific tests of his ability to survive all on his own.

Except he hadn't been on his own back then, not completely. And he isn't alone anymore, either.

#whisking canons and headcanons together until i get the hurt/comfort i need #this time it's twn jaskier and stuff but some hexer geralt backstory #the witcher #geraskier #jaskier #geralt of rivia #geraskier fic #witcher fanfiction #possibly part of a series where jaskier realizes how fucked up geralt's childhood was

[geraskierfanficprompts]

Prompt 32

Geralt isn't exactly good at the whole "travelling with someone thing", but he wants to learn. He wants to learn how to be good to his friend, Jaskier. Thus he starts a journal. He writes what makes his friend happy, what makes him sad, what makes him angry, and what makes him annoyingly smell like lust. Best to avoid things that cause that. "Flowers - likes (Prefers buttercups, but likes anything yellow in particular) Weeds - N/A (talks himself into circles over which weeds are 'worth it') Weeds that vaguely look like flowers - likes (dandelions can 'hardly be classified as a weed', according to him"

"Wine - Likes Prefers red Clingy and lazy when given Est Est (the touching was nice) Sings a lot when given Erveluce (very nice) Falls asleep when given Fiorano (worried he overdrank) Talkative and gregarious when given most Toussanti Vintages (in moderation, and not when, 'Fucking living my life, Geralt')"

"Gets twitchy near nobleman who talk too loud (smells afraid. I hate that smell.)"

"Gets teary when not allowed to look at my wounds (worried i'm dying? Worried I don't trust him? Need more research.) - Update: Both" When the years pass and the idea of making Jaskier smell like lust gets less and less disgusting and more and more appealing, Geralt decides to study what Jaskier likes from other people who flirt with him, so that Geralt may try his best to replicate them.

#geraskier #fanfiction prompts #geralt x dandelion #geralt x jaskier #witcher fanfiction #the witcher #geralt loves his bard! #writing prompts #requited unrequited love #friends to lovers #yes i did steal teh wines from the game :nail_care: #geralt keeping a diary over what his boyfreng lieks #story prompts #can be fluffy/angsty/romantical #Or can be fluffy/angsty/romantical with SMUT at the ENd where they Fuck

[access-point]

i like that the reason any of us write jaskier as capable and strong and able to hold his own is because of joey and his clearly built figure because if you read the books, dandelion is about as useful as a wet napkin

#im reading the books now and i cannot fucking get over it #''i know everything now'' ''you know fuck all dandelion'' WEEPING #jaskier #the witcher #the witcher jaskier #the witcher dandelion #dandelion #the witcher netflix #the witcher books #joey batey #in my most recent fic i wrote jaskier fighting with a sword but dandelion?? dandelion would bloody well NOT ToT ToT ToT #dandelion ''i had him right where i wanted him'' face ass #i still hc that dandelion can use a sword but he just... wont. hes the damsel helloo #like dont get me wrong he's still the sandpiper and a redanian spy and all that cool competent shit he does #but everytime anything happens in the books he starts crying out for geralt like a midwife im in love with him #hes good at what he does but hes very. limp wrist about it yknow

[patroclusdefencesquad]

no more keeping jaskier in the same outfit all season. let him mysteriously turn up in a new outfit that he should Not have and geralt be like "where the Fuck did you get that?!" and there's just a flash back to jaskier nicking a shirt off a washing line

#ciri : where the Fuck did you get a PURPLE shirt in this shithole town?? #jaskier : *flashback to begging yennefer to magically dye it for him* #the witcher #jaskier #geralt of rivia

[vulpinesaint]

listen i am geralt of rivia hater number one but one thing i actually CANNOT stand is when the fandom mischaracterizes him. took one look at this man who speaks very straight-forwardly and matter-of-fact and is a little recalcitrant with his words sometimes and went "haha he communicates in grunts! man who only says 'hm'!" and then won't even write him to speak in full fucking sentences. hello???? hello???????? yes the netflix show was a bad influence on everybody because they were trying too hard to depict geralt as a stoic manly badass but we CANNOT let that distract us from the REAL thing to make fun of geralt for. which are his Constant Unprovoked Monologues

#also the fact that he fakes his dumb stupid little rivian accent because the man was NOT raised in rivia. but i digress #'haha he only says hm!' where were you for every episode when he launched into a speech about the lesser evil. that's like. the whole thing #geralt of rivia will do nothing But talk once you let him. don't give that bitch a chance! he'll start up about honor again!!! #convinced that most of this is because netflix show insisted on showing us him around jaskier so much #and jaskier does not shut up. love him to death. but geralt genuinely does not have time to get a word in edgewise #i will admit that this is something that i had to learn by reading the books and paying more attention to it #but it's not like he DOESN'T do it in the show. if you ever sit with a witcher episode transcript for whatever reason #and really take a look at geralt's lines. man he talks a whole fucking lot. #again cannot emphasize enough that he Monologues. HE TALKS HIS WAY OUT OF SO MANY SITUATIONS. #me when i look filavandrel of the elves in the eyes and 'hm' at him and he lets me go. no bitch he monologued!!!! #terrible. terrible. let this man speak. if i see you fanfic bitches continue making him talk in sentence fragments again i'm gonna kill #as for my own fanfic. i will always prefer a geralt who talks too much to be believable over a geralt who barely speaks at all. #both because i believe in letting him speak his mind which he OBVIOUSLY likes to do. sideeyes him. #and because it's just fucking boring and a little annoying to read speech patterns that don't sound like how people talk. #cough cough lan wanji the untamed. man i'm not sitting here and reading this motherfucker's two word sentences #let him speak!!!!!! #anyway. #geralt of rivia #the witcher #fanfic

[youaremysunshine-court]

The saddest thing is the witcher could have portrayed healthy found familial relationship in a non-traditional way, but they went and forced yennefer into the role of mother, geralt into the role of father, completely did away with jaskier, and didn't even bother to consider that every single witcher in Kaer Morhen could be considered ciris father, but no, there's a husband and a wife and a child and that's all there is to it

#witcher #the witcher netflix #geralt of rivia #jaskier #yennefer of vengerberg #also yennefer is historically NOT a good maternal figure for ciri #it was so ooc for geralt to just completely forgive her at th end of s2 #like i have never had a child but i do have nieces and nephews and they are very dear to me #and if anyone pulled that sort of shit with them i would hunt them and waterboard them not cuddle them on a battlement jesus christ #also the fact that like the witchers are relegated to uncle positions is so fucking dumb #a girl can and should have 20 dads if she wants #bc like kaer morhen is basically a commune right #so they good have given us some good non stereotypical family vibes maybe some polyam #but they ruined it #they gave us two people who could barely stand each other forom the time they met and a lady who traumatised this guys daughter #and they were like nah its fine theyre gonna live happily ever after #WHERES THE FUCKING BARD #IS HE LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER #also fuck socially acceptable family dynamics and fuck netflix and fuck whoevers writing these godawful scripts (fuck henry cavill?) #and fuck the last episode for that unsatisfactory scene where they just cuddle up on a fucking roof like yen didnt give ciri trust issues #for decades to come #if i was geralt i would have slit her throat then and there #nothing comes before children #i was gonna be done here but its so narratively unsatisfactory like they havent seen each other in a year(s?) and his loyalty is with her #instead of his own daughter??? #the man who prizes morality and justice over everything else?? is fine with dragging a literal child into her need for power?? #what. the fuck. #okay im done #it could have been good but netflix fucked it the way they do everything so #fuck you netflix

[autistic-echo]

*slaps hansa* this bad boy can fit so much autism in it

#loving baptism of fire as you can see #they are all so fucking autistic i love them #this book is definitely my favorite out of the series so far #dandelion and geralt’s disaster road-trip where they keep acquiring friends along the way #love cahir sm i hope twn does his arc justice #the witcher #the witcher books #baptism of fire #the witcher baptism of fire #geralt of rivia #emiel regis #dandelion #milva barring #the witcher cahir #cahir mawr dyffryn aep ceallach #dandelion the witcher

[serenfire]

jaskier and RADOVID??? future bald BALD BALD BALD BALD BALD BALD mad king of redania radovid the fifth??????????????? insane choice for the series to make 10/10 no notes

#this retroactively makes the witcher 3 so funny this retroactively makes the witcher 2 so funny this retroactively makes the witcher 1 so f #no SORRY i'm imagining w3 where radovid is hanging around the novigrad docks trying to get geralt to work for him #and geralt is like: hey you're dandelion's ex heehee no i haven't seen phillipa fuck off #WAIT DANDELION IS ALSO IN NOVIGRAD W HIS INN THAT'S SO FUNNY THE COMEDY POTENTIAL IS UNMATCHED #the witcher spoilers #the witcher

[jay-arts-t]

Long Distance Modern AU (back at it again)

Geralt: oh my fucking gods it's so hot, Jask. It's literally 30°C (85-ish F)

Jaskier: oh yeah, 30s aren't fun.

Geralt: I'm dying. It's so hot. Why is it so hot I'm up NORTH

Jaskier: yeah yeah it's not that bad. Go lay down inside babe

Geralt: no but you have AC, I have a box fan

Jaskier: we don't use AC at that temp

Geralt: OKAY WELL YOU KNOW WHAT. I LIVE IN THE MOUNTAINS JULIAN. ITS USUALLY COLD AS BALLS UP HERE, NOT SATAN'S WET ANUS

Jaskier: WHY DID YOU CALL IT WET???

Geralt: SWAMP ASS.

#i hate it here #the witcher #geralt of rivia #jaskier #genuine things me and my beloved have said #geraskier #incorrect witcher quotes #long distance modern au #its so fucking hot im melting and hes CLOWNING ME #but ohhh when it drops down to the 10s F where i am hes all YIKES THATS SO COLD #cant i get a morsel of sympathy #cant i get a “oh its ok babe ill get you a cold drink” #BUT NO #HE BELITTLES MY SUFFERING

[tillasst]

Geralt, not wanting Ciri to suffer being a Witcher: I am breaking the cycle

Ciri, rampantly trying to go through the Trials: But father I crave violence

Yennefer, thinking it's necessary to survive: You have to adapt to the violence the way I did

Ciri, dipping: I am breaking the cycle

#Geralt of Rivia #Cirilla #Ciri #Yennefer #The Witcher #Ciri: Not that kind of violence #The one where I repress the feelings like Geralt #I'm so on her side #Like get the fuck out of there #They seem so like women who would regularly comment on you going through puberty #The kind to cause you an ED #What Witchers had to go through isn't better #But Geralt was protecting her from it #Ciri's not safe with Yennefer with Geralt not there #Witcher season 3 #the witcher spoilers #I'm high I'm sorry if this is nonsense

[podcastenthusiast]

Still so amused/annoyed that in the game Geralt was all 👀😲 at the mere idea of Dandelion potentially choosing to have sex with someone who has a dick. Like, he probably didn't even speak to a woman until he was a grown ass witcher!

Look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't hold Eskel to "keep warm" during cold nights at Kaer Morhen. Even if nothing ever happened, there's no way it's a novel or weird concept for Geralt.

#choosing to interpret it as him being like oh....people can do that outside of kaer morhen?? #the witcher #geralt of rivia #witcher 3 #witcher 3 wild hunt #tw3 #geraskier #i don't really ship geralt x eskel much so i dunno the tag #there's hexer's version where witchers are basically monks who don't fuck but ehhh #i see geralt as ace and i still don't believe that kjgjgjh

[pikapeppa]

I met Kotallo, the yummy snack of a man that he is. and I finished HZD and enjoyed Window Bird very much. and you will have lots of plants to pick in RDR2 so don't worry about that.

AW OMG YES welcome to the wonderful world that is Horizon 😂❤ I'm going to take advantage of this to show off some of my own fave photomodes of Yummy Kotallo.

I'm so glad you enjoyed Window Bird! 🥰 and YAYYYYY PLANT PICKING IN RDR2. Because that's what cowboys do, right? Pick plants? SAME AS WITCHERS. PICKING PLANTS IS THEIR SPECIALTY AND GERALT'S FAVE HOBBY. 😂💀

-- love from your friendly neighbourhood Pika! xo

#kotallo #hfw #horizon forbidden west #rdr2 #the witcher #geralt of rivia #thank fuck the tags don't do shit on tumblr #i feel like people actually wanting content from these tags would be disappointed to see my dumb ass talking about picking plants #but honestly can you ever have enough herbs? methinks no #ESPECIALLY NOT IN HFW WHERE YOUR ABILITY TO PICK UP PLANTS IS BASICALLY INFINITE 😂 #yes i have 5000 salvebrush and 5000 ridgewood what about it

[vulpinesaint]

man who is 1) an idler 2) a parasite 3) good for nothing 4) a priest of art 5) the bright-shining star of the ballad and love poem 6) radiant with fame 7) puffed up like a pig’s bladder 8) stinking of beer and 9) geralt’s friend :)

#this is a dandelion love blog!!!! #also the things they took from us etc etc. dandelion is such a messy bitch in the books and he and geralt are FRIENDS dude where WAS that #anyway yeah they are perfect friends. i adore them #witcher reread #the witcher #geralt of rivia #dandelion #also shout out to nenneke for being like ‘fuck this bitch’ #‘as a priestess of melitele my girls can have sex with whoever they want but i don’t let Whores into my temple’ #also 🥺 he’s his fellow 🥺 #netflix geraskier friendship has me so starved for Normal People Being Friends that it’s almost overwhelming at this point #the last wish

[hanzajesthanza]

dressed elegantly. this will never leave my head. the implications of this.

because geralt and his company, they saddled up, left beauclair, travelled through mountains and frozen blizzards and downpours and muddy sod for two to three months. you need to pack outfits for that. you need to plan your gear.

what was the rest of the company wearing? what did they pack for this long journey? they packed practically, dressed warmly for the frozen journey of january, february, march. geralt wore a wolf-skin cloak, a scarf, a shawl… milva wore a fox-fur kalpak, angoulême wore a hat with a pompom and a sheepskin coat. cahir’s dress isn’t mentioned, but he must have been dressed similarly, because he rubs his hands briskly together and were he not dressed warmly he otherwise would have frozen to death. regis’ dress isn’t mentioned, but it is mentioned that he’s immune to the freezing temperature. so, i mean, it doesn’t matter what he’s wearing in this scene, maybe a regular outfit.

but at stygga. dressed elegantly.

so you’re telling me that. regis packed his things in preparation for their flight from beauclair, went to his quarters after geralt explained to him the satisfactory reasons they were leaving, and went,

“alright, time to prepare for this long and dangerous journey that will conclude in a great clash between our forces and the kidnappers of ciri. the end of our quest. the final journey. and a dangerous road awaits us, with snow still blocking the passes, frost and white all around. a grand fight and conflict awaits us. what gear should i prepare, what should i wear for this expedition, what kinds of clothing should i pack.”

and then he went:

“you know, i want to look fucking good ✨ when we get there 💅🏻🦇”

imagine the final preparation before they approach castle stygga. geralt sees the castle hewn out of the cliffside, effortlessly noticing every detail from far away, seeing like an eagle with his mutated eyes. and like an eagle, compelled to swoop down and snatch vilgefortz like a fish. ordering the company forward, declaring they’ve made it. this is the moment they have all been waiting for. everyone has been waiting such a long time for this. they prepared everything.

they wait until midnight. angoulême eagerly unsheathes and whets her long sabre, swings her axe around with predatory glee. cahir fits the plate armor and winged officer’s helmet he scavenged from a small nilfgaardian dispatch that they ran into extorting caravista for tax. milva tightens the same worn, polished leather bracer that she’s always had on her left arm, and mutters as she fixes her spiralled arrow fletchings over boiling water. geralt, with nothing left to do, paces and breathes, wondering where the hell regis has gone.

just then, regis walks out from behind an outcropping of rock, eyes glinting with cat-like light, in his “elegant” outfit, absolutely slaying that shit, and all his friends look at him absently like. “what the hell are you wearing. where the fuck did you get that. you packed that? you planned your outfit for the final battle, you planned this outfit in advance three months ago?” to which he counters, “well, three months isn’t very long at all,” and they’re like, “this is the preparation you made? we thought you left to do some secret vampire rituals or whatever. or to reckon with yourself for the severe violence we’re about to inflict.” and he’s like “no, i just wanted to make sure i was dressed nicely for the occasion”

#witcher 3 keira metz’s ‘if i’m to die i should look smashing for the occassion’ should really go to book regis i think that’s canon for him #also my headcanon would be that he looses his hair and takes his glasses off #kind of like in a movie where a nerd girl has a glow up and walks down the staircase at the end with her glasses off and hair down #and the boy she’s dating is at the bottom of the stairs like ‘wow… i didn’t know …’ #except the boy in this situation is geralt #however it’s less of a cute thing of ‘haha where’d the cute nerdy girl go’ and more of like. um. where is the kind barber surgeon i know #because if you exist quietly and sense the night around you and pay close attention to the moonlight #there are some kind of powerful unknown dark energies brewing and swirling around their group now like fog #he laughs and smiles and he does not purse his lips. and his hair is becoming tangled in the wind #and geralt’s like. who the fuck did i bring to stygga castle. lmao #angouleme: yesss slay uncle | regis: [nods head solemnly] we certainly are | angouleme: noooo like SLAYYYY 🔥🔥🔥 #bruh your drip is straight fire 🔥💯 #the witcher books #txt #emiel regis #regis #book: lady of the lake #headcanons

[creepyscritches]

They actually roped Doug Cockle for the witcher animated thing??? :O

#Creepy chatter #I'm at the point where as long as the witcher adapt isn't racist/sexist/etc I'll likely enjoy the funny lil story #Since there's mermaids/sirens do you think they'll have Geralt sing-speak?? Who is brave enough to adapt that #Audiobook Geralt my beloved you sound like a stepped on cat ❤️ go get dandelion out of the fucking water

[malpractice-morale]

sweaties the solution to all my problems would be a sitcom platonic / maybe not so platonic? yennskier spin off of the Netflix show okay

#the witcher #the witcher netflix #yennefer of vengerberg #jaskier #julian alfred pankratz #Geralt can go fuck off to I don’t know where I just want more of their dynamic #also it is explicitly comedic #it might kept to darker themes but I just want them lovingly roasting each other 24/7 #while engaging in hijinks^TM #yennskier