Congrats to the ultimate winner of the Hot & Vintage Movie Men Tournament, Mr. Toshiro Mifune! May he live happily and well where the sun always shines, enjoying the glories of a battle hard fought.
A loving farewell to all of our previous contestants, who are now banished to the shadow realm and all its dark joys and whispered horrors—I hear there's a picnic on the village green today. If you want to remember the fallen heroes, you can find them all beneath the cut.
What happens next? I'll be taking a break of two weeks to rest from this and prep for the Hot & Vintage Ladies Tournament. I'll still be around but only minimally, posting a few last odes to the hot men before transitioning into a little early ladies content, just like I did with this last tournament. The submission form for the Hot & Vintage Ladies tournament will remain up for one more week (closing February 21st), so get your submissions in for that asap! Once the form closes, there will be one more week of break. The first round of the Hot & Vintage Ladies Tournament will be posted on February 29th, as Leap Year Day seems like a fitting allusion to leaping into these ladies' arms.
Thanks for being here! Enjoy the two weeks off, and send me some great propaganda.
In order of the last round they survived—
ROUND ONE HOTTIES:
Richard Burton
Tony Curtis
Red Skelton
Keir Dullea
Jack Lemmon
Kirk Douglas
Marcello Mastroianni
Jean-Pierre Cassel
Robert Wagner
James Garner
James Coburn
Rex Harrison
George Chakiris
Dean Martin
Sean Connery
Tab Hunter
Howard Keel
James Mason
Steve McQueen
George Peppard
Elvis Presley
Rudolph Valentino
Joseph Schildkraut
Ray Milland
Claude Rains
John Wayne
William Holden
Douglas Fairbanks Sr.
Harold Lloyd
Charlie Chaplin
John Gilbert
Ramon Novarro
Slim Thompson
John Barrymore
Edward G. Robinson
William Powell
Leslie Howard
Peter Lawford
Mel Ferrer
Joseph Cotten
Keye Luke
Ivan Mosjoukine
Spencer Tracy
Felix Bressart
Ronald Reagan (here to be dunked on)
Peter Lorre
Bob Hope
Paul Muni
Cornel Wilde
John Garfield
Cantinflas
Henry Fonda
Robert Mitchum
Van Johnson
José Ferrer
Robert Preston
Jack Benny
Fredric March
Gene Autry
Alec Guinness
Fayard Nicholas
Ray Bolger
Orson Welles
Mickey Rooney
Glenn Ford
James Cagney
ROUND TWO SWOONERS:
Dick Van Dyke
James Edwards
Sammy Davis Jr.
Alain Delon
Peter O'Toole
Robert Redford
Charlton Heston
Cesar Romero
Noble Johnson
Lex Barker
David Niven
Robert Earl Jones
Turhan Bey
Bela Lugosi
Donald O'Connor
Carman Newsome
Oscar Micheaux
Benson Fong
Clint Eastwood
Sabu Dastagir
Rex Ingram
Burt Lancaster
Paul Newman
Montgomery Clift
Fred Astaire
Boris Karloff
Gilbert Roland
Peter Cushing
Frank Sinatra
Harold Nicholas
Guy Madison
Danny Kaye
John Carradine
Ricardo Montalbán
Bing Crosby
ROUND THREE SMOKESHOWS:
Marlon Brando
Anthony Perkins
Michael Redgrave
Gary Cooper
Conrad Veidt
Ronald Colman
Rock Hudson
Basil Rathbone
Laurence Olivier
Christopher Plummer
Johnny Weismuller
Clark Gable
Fernando Lamas
Errol Flynn
Tyrone Power
Humphrey Bogart
ROUND 4 STUNGUNS:
James Dean
Cary Grant
Gregory Peck
Sessue Hayakawa
Harry Belafonte
James Stewart
Gene Kelly
Peter Falk
QUARTERFINALIST VOLCANIC TOWERS OF LUST:
Jeremy Brett
Vincent Price
James Shigeta
Buster Keaton
SEMIFINALIST SUPERMEN:
Omar Sharif
Paul Robeson
FINALIST FANTASIES:
Sidney Poitier
Toshiro Mifune
and ok, sure, here's the shadow-bracket-style winner's portrait of Toshiro Mifune.
I really should be going to bed, now I can’t stop thinking about Eddie as a contestant on The Price is Right, back in the Bob Barker days, of course.
He was simply tagging along with Steve and Robin at first, to kill some time, but then he is chosen to “come on down” and be a participant. Steve applauds, but he’s a little bitchy about it because Eddie didn’t even want to come to LA, but now here he is getting to be on the gameshow.
When the contestants have to guess the price of the washer/dryer set, Eddie’s tongue is sticking out of the corner of his mouth while he concentrates on that Munson Magic. He does not listen to the numbers the crowd is yelling at him, instead he thinks about Wayne, and how much he’d appreciate a new washer/dryer and he blurts out an obscure number that ends up being the closest to the actual dollar amount without going over.
He prances up onto the main stage with his arms up, triumphantly. He spins the wheel and wins some money, and then he wins a car and a cruise.
Bob Barker gives him an obligatory shoulder hug at the end while the music plays and Eddie mouths the words “I love you baby” at the camera, hoping you will see it.
Betty Compson (March 19, 1897 – April 18, 1974) was an American actress. Compson shot 25 films in 1916, although most of them were short. She played Rose in The Miracle Man (1919), directed by George Loane Tucker, a role for which she gained stardom. In 1928 she starred in The Barker, a silent film that contained some spoken scenes. Compson was nominated for an Oscar for Best Actress for her performance. One of her best films was Docks of New York, notable for its dark visual ambience and superb performances. In 1930 Betty filmed a version of The Spoilers, in which she played the role of Marlene Dietrich in the 1942 version, while the character of Gary Cooper would be played in the same version by John Wayne..
Everyone laughed at Wayne's cow-tractor idea. No one's laughing now, mostly because of the nightmares.
Pa Barker had turned many of his sons into immense hogs. It took way too long. But I guess it's back to the drawingboard and feeding table.
Still not what he wanted. But Pa Barker knew how to keep the feed flowing; if farmhand Jorge wanted to take Jeff off his hands for 5 bills he had plenty of more sons.
Everyone was tired of Billie's manual steering joke, but Tommy loved messing around with that rear wheel drive, so he humored him.
Luckily for Cletus, Pa had finally got his splicer calibrated, cause he was next on the list. All his dreams were about to come true.
"Who's the prize hog now Shawn? Me, it's all about Cletus now little man."
Robert William Barker (December 12, 1923 – August 26, 2023) Television game show host. He hosted CBS's The Price Is Right from 1972 to 2007, making it the longest-running daytime game show in North American television history. He also hosted Truth or Consequences from 1956 to 1975.
Barker co-hosted CBS' coverage of the Rose Parade from Pasadena, California for several years during the 1970s and 1980s.
Barker appeared on Bonanza, playing a character named Mort in the 1960 episode "Denver McKee".
Barker appeared on various talk shows such as: Dinah!, Larry King Live, The Arsenio Hall Show, Crook & Chase, Donny & Marie, The Rosie O'Donnell Show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, The Wayne Brady Show, the Late Show with David Letterman, and The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.
Barker also made cameo appearances on The Nanny and The Bold and the Beautiful in 2002 and 2014. (Wikipedia)
Oscar Wilde: ah midnight society
King: OMG! Oscar wilde
King: guys it’s Oscar wilde!
Poe: yes steve
King: they say he’s the wittiest man in the world
Wilde: hmm and what is the world but a very big globe with people and other things on it
King: ha ha! Oh man I’m laughing already!
Wilde: there’s only one thing worse than being in a society and that’s not being in one
King: oh zing! Ha ha! He sure got us there!
Wilde: getting us is only half as bad as not getting
King: ha ha-
King:
King: wait what
King: do you have a story for us tonight Oscar?
Wilde: perhaps
Wilde: or perhaps a story has us for you tonight
King: ha ha! Oh man the jokes keep coming!
Barker: what the fuck, I don’t get it
Wilde: hm
Wilde: maybe it’s too droll for you?
Barker: oh yeah sure THAT’s the problem, whatever
Wilde: I am the master of drollery and wit
Wilde: for example
Wilde: [draping self over chaise lounge] a bird in a hand is worth two in the bush but who wants a bunch of birds
King: ah ha ha! Oh man!
King: my sides are aching!!
Barker: christ
Barker: this is gonna get real old real fast
Oscar Wilde: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the annoying americans who buy a haunted castle
Brian Asman: so this haunted castle is for sale?
Asman: where is this again
Asman: I just need to know for
Asman: reasons
Wilde: this is the story of the canterville ghost
Wilde: it will be very droll and witty
Barker: doesn’t seem like it’s gonna be very scary tho
Poe: clive
Poe: clive come on
Poe: it’s got a ghost
Poe: just be happy with that
Wilde: so these americans buy an English castle
Wilde: which has a ghost
Wilde: but they don’t believe it
Wilde: because they’re rational modern people who don’t believe in absurd fantasies
Wilde: I mean
Wilde: they’re americans, after all
Wilde: so the americans are Mr and Mrs. John Wayne B. Cheeseburger
Wilde: with their son Applepie Constitution Cheeseburger
Wilde: and their daughter Abraham Lincoln Cheeseburger
Wilde: and their younger twins Purple Mountains and Spacious Skies Cheeseburger
Barker: borrrring
Barker: talk about how hot butcher boys are again
Wilde: hmm nothing like a strapping butchers apprentice getting beef blood all over his rippling biceps and broad chest as he handles a steer carcass
Barker: YES
Barker: now there’s nothing about that image I don’t like