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hoodharlow · 3 years

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The Rat

EL Novio Quarantine Edition: Part 2

AN: Here's Part 2. It was suuposed to be posted yesterday but I spent the whole day out running errands, and I got home late. Hope you enjoy

Warnings: Mentions of dog bites, blood, waiting room scene, some sex jokes, baby talk and baby fever (idk if it’s baby fever but yeah lol)

Word Count: 2.2k

"Your mans fans can't be this oblivious." Medelyn told Claudia, sliding her phone to read yet another tweet about Calum and Claudia's friendship.

At the start of quarantine, fans were surprised to see that Calum was in Torrey Pines and not at his house in Los Angeles. They weren't surprised to see him at the Santos' home. They all gathered that he has become a friend of the family. Some of their fans joked that he was using Claudia to get to Diego so he can then get to Guy Fieri since he obsessively watched Guy's Grocery Games. Some fans didn't think much of it, they were just happy to get Calum content whenever Claudia would record him trying her baking goods for TikTok.

The one thing that they never guessed is that they were dating. The few fans that listened to Claudia's podcast knew that her boyfriend was staying with her and her family. They just didn't know her boyfriend is Calum.

"They are." Claudia said, taking a large gulp of her licuado. "They're still trying to figure out if the girl from Taylor's party and Benito's album release are the same person. They're struggling because my hair was straight in New York and curly in Miami."

"Stop," Medelyn laughed. "Speaking of your mans, where is he?"

"He took Duke and Panchito out on a walk. My dad doesn't need him at the restaurant until later."

"I still can't believe Diego is making him make deliveries."

"He's gotta pull his weight." Claudia joked.

Medelyn went to check on her sleeping newborn in the living room where he slept on a bassinet. She came back a few minutes later to keep talking to Claudia. It was still a surprise to anyone that knew them back in high school to see them get along. A few weeks ago they talked about it in Claudia's podcast and dissected why they didn't like each other in high school. It had mostly to do with the internalized misogyny and how because they were both latina, they both couldn't be at the top. One of them had to fail while the other was successful. Listeners compared it to how Naomi Campbell and Tyra Banks were pitted against each other. But unlike the supermodels, Claudia and Medelyn were able to put their differences aside and eventually became friends.

The barking of multiple dogs was heard out in the front yard. Claudia got up from where she was sitting and went to see what was going on. The front door opened and closed as she tied her shoes.

"That fucking rat has it out for Duke and Panchito and it's owner has it out on me." Calum cursed, unclipping Duke and Panchito's leashes.

Claudia scoffed and watched him take off his shoes. "You're being dramatic. Mrs. Garner and her dog are literally so nice."

"The rat nearly attacked Panchito. If it weren't for Duke, we'd be on our way to the animal hospital."

"Ah ha okay."

"Claudia, I'm being serious." Calum got up and put away the leashes in the coat closet. "If you get bitten by that rat then don't come crying that you need a ride to the hospital."

***

"How the fuck did we end up watching three kids and a baby?" Claudia asked Calum as she slipped on some leggings. "They're not even ours."

"Because you wouldn't let me battle your brother in rock paper scissors. You're so predictable when you play." He said.

Calum leaned back on her bed and watched her get changed for their hike. It wasn't really a hike, they're just going to walk on the dirt trail behind the neighborhood with her niece and nephews while Danny and Medelyn spend some time together.

He gently smacked Claudia's ass a few times, watching it bounce against the fabric of her leggings. "I fucking love your ass."

"And I love yours. Jesse is a miracle worker." She said repeating his actions.

Calum rolled his eyes and followed Claudia out of her room to the living room. Guito, Paloma and Damian sat on the couch watching Duck Tales as they passed a giant bowl of popcorn. The three kids looked nothing alike, but it was obvious they were Junior and Marlene's kids. They all had distinct features from their parents. After spending time with them, it always left Calum wondering about how his kids with Claudia would look like.

Of course they haven't talked about having kids anytime soon. Claudia was about to graduate and attend grad school at UCLA. Calum knew better than to get in the way of her academic future. For now he just kept the thought of kids to himself. He also knew that Diego would murder him if he uttered baby making and Claudia in the same sentence.

Claudia emerged from the kitchen with a lunch bag and waters. She squatted down in front of the stroller and put in the things in the bottom basket along with the diaper bag Medelyn packed for them. She turned back and caught Calum's eyes permanently glued on her ass.

"I'm gonna ask Danny for a rematch." he said, pushing himself up from the couch.

"No you're not." Medelyn said, stopping him. "We need this. We stopped having sex the minute I couldn't see my feet. And add the forty days I couldn't do anything. We need this."

"Cal, don't worry. We'll be back in a blink. Danny is gonna need at most five minutes." Claudia said. She wrapped her arms around him, and pushed back his growing curls. She kissed his cheek and whispered. "When we get back I'll suck your dick."

"Let's get this show on the road." Calum told the kids. "When we get back, Danny and Medelyn can take all of you to Coldstone."

"Can we get Ice Cream cake?" Paloma quietly asked him.

"Sure."

The three kids cheered. One by one, they went to the front door and put on their shoes. Calum carried the stroller down the steps and helped Claudia put Sebastian in the stroller. After spending a good five minutes on the importance of 'Slip-Slop-Slap' and sunscreen, the party of six plus Duke and Panchito were on their way. The kids walked just a few feet ahead of Claudia while she pushed the stroller. Calum stayed back with Duke and Panchito. He didn't mind, the trail was slightly slanted and it gave him a spectacular view of Claudia's ass.

About halfway around the trial they all stopped at a bench under a tree. The kids sat down and ate some Gansitos. Claudia set down two bowls of water for Duke and Panchito to drink.

"You think they're done?" Calum asked Claudia when sat on the ground.

“Honestly, the last thing on my mind is how long my brother takes o fuck his girlfriend.” She said reaching over for her water.

He took off his windbreaker, leaving him shirtless. He stretched and flexed his muscles.

"You're so rude." Claudia said before taking a large gulp from her pink Hydro Flask.

They stayed in the shades area for another half an hour and then turned back home. Claudia and Calum fell into step while the kids raced each other distances determined by what they saw on the ground. They made a quick pit stop at the kids' house because Damian had too much water. He couldn't hold it until they got back to Claudia's house, who lived four houses up the same street.

When they got to the house, they found Danny and Medelyn passed out on the couch while 'Sortilegio' played in the background. Claudia placed Sebastian on his bassinet and unclipped Duke and Panchito's leashes. Damian and Guito stayed outside wanting to play some soccer with Calum. So Claudia and Paloma migrated to the kitchen to make some brownies.

Paloma left to play on her iPad the second Claudia placed the baking dish on the oven, leaving her to do all the cleaning.

A loud growl followed by a scream came from outside where Calum and the boys were. The front door slammed open with Calum carrying Damian with Guito following him.

"The rat bit him." Calum told Claudia when he sat Damian on the counter.

"Let me see." Medelyn said motioning Calum to step aside. She snapped her fingers at them. "Someone get me a first aid. Hopefully he doesn't need stitches."

Calum went to the pantry and grabbed the box hanging on the wall. Medelyn took it and got to work on Damian's arm.

After five minutes of tending the bite, Medelyn wrapped up his arm in a gauze and motioned Calum, Claudia and Danny.

"He needs stitches. The cut is pretty deep and he may need a shot, too." She said.

"Fuck." Danny cursed.

"I'll take him." Calum volunteered.

"I'll go with you." Claudia said.

After lots of convincing and crying, Damian, Claudia and Calum were on their way to a community clinic. Claudia's knee bounced while they waited for Damian's name to be called. He had fallen asleep on Calum's arms.

She texted Junior and Marlene updates. They were waiting outside in the parking lot for them. Ten more minutes pass until they call for Damian. Claudia stayed back while Calum went with him since he was there when the bite happened. Half an hour later they came out.

"So?" Claudia asked anxiously.

"The nurse gave Tío Cal her number, but he said no thank you." Damian said sticking a Spider-Man sticker on his shirt.

"Oh?" Claudia quirked an eyebrow at him.

"I still got it." Calum smirked.

"You say that as if you're fifty and not twenty-four." She snorted.

They made their way to the parking lot. Damian let go of Claudia's hand and went to hug his mom. He proudly told Junior and Marlene that the stitches and the shot didn't hurt. Calum briefly told them what happened and how the someone from the Humane Society was going to over in a few days to put the dog on house arrest.

Damian rode with his parents on the way back to Claudia's. The car ride was quiet. Calum and Claudia didn't even bother to put on music or a podcast.

"You okay?" she asked him when they got to her house. "Regret not taking the nurse's number?"

"Funny," He said. He took off his cap and scratched his head. "Just thinking about Damian and everything. I don't know, I just feel like this is my fault. Obviously it's not, I wasn't the one who bit him nor that was my dog. But I just can't help thinking that if we played in the backyard like we always do, he wouldn't have gotten bitten."

"I have no idea how to respond because I don't wanna dismiss what you're feeling, ya know. But I just wanna say that I'm very impressed at how responsive and on top of it you were. Like when we have kids, I'm not gonna worry because I know you'll be at my side ready." She said.

"When?" Calum asked.

Claudia's eyes widened, realizing what she said.

"Shit. I didn't mean it like that. Like today when we babysat. You knew what to do and stuff…"

"Miss Santos do you wanna have my children?" He teased her. Noting how uncomfortable she got, he stopped laughing. He cleared his throat and silently counted to five. "Would you ever want kids?" With me? He added in his head.

Claudia stopped playing with the elastic on her facemask and turned on her side and faced him. Calum mirrored her actions and shyly smiled at her.

"I didn't think we'd have this talk so soon." She giggled.

"Better sooner than later." he shrugged. "I'd want some or at least one."

"Yeah?"

"Preferably with you of course. But if Katy Perry drops Orlando Bloom, then we go our separate ways."

"That's fine, I'll just hit him up." She giggled. "Jokes aside, I do want kids. Just not right now. I mean we're in a pandemic for fucks sake. I also feel like it's too soon. Like my parents and brothers had their kids pretty young. I don't want to be responsible for someone when I'm barely learning to take care of me, you know? Like once we're more settled down and whatnot we can talk about starting a family. But for now I don't wanna share you with anyone."

"I agree with you 100%." Calum said, pulling her to kiss her. He pulled away. "We probably shouldn't kiss after coming from a clinic."

"You're right." Claudia laughed, pulling away from him. She pointed behind her. "Plus my dad's watching us."

***

Claudia and Calum took out their grocery bags from Calum's car when someone cleared their throat behind them. It was Mrs. Garner, the owner of the dog that bit Damian. A few days ago the Humane Society came by and put her poodle mix on house arrest for two weeks.

"Hi, Mrs. Garner." Claudia greeted, pulling up her mask to cover her nose and mouth.

"You're going to regret the day you crossed me and reported my baby, mark my words. You don't know who you're messing with."

With that Mrs. Garner turned on her heel and went back to her house.

"What the fuck?" Claudia said, trying not to laugh.

"C'mon, your ice cream and dino nuggets are going to melt." Calum motioned her.

Claudia turned back to Mrs. Garner's house and then back to Calum. "Has she always had cameras in front of her house?"

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#calum hood fluff #calum hood imagine #calum hood blurb #calum hood one shot #calum hood fanfic #calum hood imagines #calum hood one shots #el novio quarantine edition #El Novio series

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thatgirlwritingficsatnight · 3 years

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Odi et Amo I

Odi et amo. Quare id faciam fortasse requiris? nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior

Catullus, 85

After a few years of working in the USA for Disney and playing the role of The White Fox in Marvel Cinematic Universe you came back to your motherland - Korea only to be greeted with hatred and contempt. To make things harder for you the universe sends you the most irritating neighbour ™. Will you be able to find your happiness and accomplish your dream of becoming loved actress in Korea without complying with standards of patriarchal society?

pairing: Park Jinyoung x reader

genre: actor au

warnings: angst, foul language (please don’t read it if you’re not old enough)

words: 5582

A/N: Hi this is my first fanfic ever, and so there are few things I have to say before you hopefully enjoy reading it. 1. English is not my first language so there may be some grammatical errors. I’m sorry, perhaps in the future there will be someone to proofread my works. 2. I’m terribly sorry for my interpunction :( for some reason they don’t teach it here and so it may be terrible. I am reading about it more but it’s not easy for me as I haven’t practiced enough. I’m really sorry if it’s awkward. 3. This was supposed to be long oneshot, but I was told not all people enjoy long reads on tumblr like I do, so I decided to make a miniseries out of it. Let me know if you enjoyed it and if you want me to write some scenarios, or post more of my works (i have a lot of them in the depths of my drive lol). Love, thatgirlwritingficsatnight.

***

You sat in spacious sofa in your old apartment in Korea. A sigh leaving your lips as you looked through the headlines.

"The black sheep of Korean show biz comes back after four years in USA"

"Whose heart will she eat now? National heartbreaker came back to Korea"

"Go back to USA you wh*re! - internet went wild over L/N Y/N"

"L/N Y/N comes back in outrageous style"

Most of them were a summary or perhaps a reminder for k-netizens why they should hate you; it's because you dated who you wanted to and for how long you wanted to, it's because this one time in the talk show you told off male host when he kept asking about your private life and because the other time you told another one to stop giving you all the questions about clothes and make up while your male co-star got to answer some deep questions about character development and that's to name the few reasons that came instantly to your mind. Of course some articles had to focus on your airport fashion too. The conservative Korean society had a problem with your bra, or rather a lack of thereof under your designer t-shirt. You left out an irritated groan as you scrolled to the comments. They were vicious and vulgar, you don't know what else did you expect honestly. You tossed the phone and buried your face in your hands fighting the urge to tweet something about the nasty people and how they should keep their antediluvian opinions to themselves. You sighed again perhaps if you were in a different country you'd do that, but here with systematic misogyny, where women were supposed to always smile and nod their heads, here where they got paid 60% of men's pay... you'd most likely be crucified. Then again who if not you would come to your defense? You knew the answer — no one, that realization was enough to anger you even more. The blood was boiling inside you as you snatched your phone back and went into Twitter silently mouthing apologies to your manager who'd be blowing your phone in just a few minutes.

"Yes, I don't wear bras. No, it's not a topic for your article nor your problem. I also know it may shock some people but my dating life is not a topic for your entertainment either."

"It baffles me how Korean society thinks its country is in the group of one of the most civilized ones but still treats women as if we were stuck in 50s."

Your phone was already blowing with notifications, you could see some new articles already popping and soon after that it buzzed as your manager tried to reach you. You silenced your phone and left it on the coffee table while you moved to the kitchen. You got yourself a lamp of wine and watched always busy streets of Seoul from a window. It was already dark and it looked like rivers of light with cars and street lights constantly illuminating them. You were deep in your thoughts as you pondered if you made a good decision. You had a good life in California. You had your best friend there, a house with a pool and many good opportunities for roles you declined. In those four years you became an international star after your role as Marvel's White Fox — a gumiho superhero. You knew in a year or two Disney would ask you to come back to make more movies and most likely you would but you couldn't stay in the USA any longer. Somehow, even though it seemed illogical considering the warm welcome you've got, you still missed your home. You missed Korea the country that loved to hate you. You weren't exaggerating when you said they loved to hate you, for instance you always played villains in Korean films and dramas and the Korean audience loved it. They loved to hate your characters and so every time you tried to audition for a role that would be first or second lead you'd always be cast as the villain. The very first time you played a good character was when you portrayed the White Fox for Marvel, they chose you because you were half American (on your father's side) and because you used to play femme fatales and that was kinda the character. You accepted the role secretly hoping that it would change the way Korea has seen you. It didn't. They said you were too Westernised and that you weren't true Korean and had their own perfect casting with actresses that weren't as scandalous as you. Well, at least the rest of the world loved you. Nonetheless, you came back. You still weren't sure if it was a good idea or for how long, or even if you'd work here or just relax; you were just happy you could eat unhealthy convenience store food whenever you felt like and that kimchi was a standard and not something you'd only find in specific shops. Speaking of, you craved some ramyun with cheese and perhaps some yakult as well. You changed your clothes into a pair of black sweats and a black hoodie and chose to wear a black cap and face mask as well. You checked yourself in a huge mirror in the corridor. Your outfit screamed two things: first was "I am a crazy murderer from drama" and and second "look at me I'm a celebrity". You sighed. Honestly what else could you wear? You decided not to change and went out to the nearest convenience store.

You walked slowly taking your time to get to the store while listening to Def Soul hoping lazy beats would calm your nerves. You bopped your head to the rhythm as you entered the store and went straight into ramyun section. You picked your favourite spicy one and grabbed some cheese, yakult and cherry coke. The girl working there seemed really young and you caught her yawning. She apologized and you smiled warmly although she probably couldn't see it through the mask.

"Don't worry about it I'm tired today as well." you said, and she smiled. You paid with a card and regretted not withdrawing any money so that you could tip her. You remember when you were just a bit younger than her, working in similar way but back in the USA; she’d appreciate extra cash. You took the ramyun to prepare it and hummed as you waited for the noodles to get soft. Food always got you to feel better. You were spreading cheese on your noodles when middle-aged men entered the shop. Soon you'd believe it's not your night or perhaps that you got some bad karma, or that you were just cursed. The men came up to the cashier and asked for a pack of cigarettes. You were about to slurp the first noodles when he spoke.

"When will you finish your shift cutie maybe I can pick you up?" He chuckled and the girl tried to smile politely although anyone with eyes could see how uncomfortable she felt. She tried to decline his advances with a small scared voice clearly she was too young to feel comfortable enough to just curse him out.

"You sluts are always the same. You smile at me flirt with me and then act all fucking.."

"Aish!" you didn't let him finish. And he turned your way surprised someone else was in the store. "I lost all appetite," you dropped the chopsticks next to the bowl and moved your gaze at the male: disgust was rolling off from you in waves, and he flinched upon meeting your eyes, "then again who wouldn't if they had to eat in the presence of trash?" You watched as his face got all red and furious, it seemed almost twisted now. "How dare you speak like that to me, you bi..." once again he couldn't finish his sentence this time you silenced him with your swift actions. You closed the distance between the two of you and grabbed his hand firmly. Then you put it behind his back and twisted it painfully enough for him to groan.

"Call me a bitch, I dare you." you said quietly, but he didn't respond, he just jerked trying to escape your hold. He smelled like tobacco, digested alcohol and grease. You scrunched your nose and took him out of the store. You pushed him lightly, and yet he still lost balance and fell. He shot you a glare full of hate and fury while you tried to remain calm. Truth to be told you were scared, yes you jumped in to help the girl, and successfully silenced him, but that was most likely only because he wasn't sober. You were silently asking universe to help you out as you mustered your courage and played your part of "fearless Y/N”.

"Leave or I'll call the police and tell them you harassed both me and the girl." He stood up and spit under your legs before he left. You sighed, a tight knot unravelling itself finally in your belly, adrenaline that was brought up with the surge of fury disappearing now, leaving you bit wobbly. You made mental note to thank the director of The White Fox for making you take those material arts classes, they came in handy. You came back to the store, you didn’t pay attention to the girl that watched you in awe. You just wanted to enjoy your noodles. Finally, able to take the bite you let out disgusted groan they got too soft. Letting out resigned sigh you opened the yakult.

"Miss Y/N.." small voice started next to you. The girl was blushing and smiling. She was cute, had long brown hair and a mole just under her left eye. You smiled back and it seemed to encourage her. "Thank you. You are like the coolest unnie ever. I will always support you and fight anyone that calls you names and.." You chuckled at her eagerness and sudden flood of words. "Thanks kid. What's your name? "Kim Seoyun." "Nice to meet you Kim Seoyun. I'm L/N Y/N." you said with a smile, and she blushed even more. You looked through the window and bit the inside of your cheek. What if he comes back when you're gone, you couldn’t risk it. "Tell me Seoyun when do you end your shift?" She took out a phone from her pocket. "Oh, in ten minutes." "Great I'll wait for you and order you a taxi." "Ah, unnie you don't have to… you already helped me enough and.." "Nonsense", you cut her off "he may come back and I'll sleep better knowing you are safe at home."

She nodded and came back to work. Leaving you with your soggy and lukewarm noodles. You thought about throwing it out but you hated wasting food and so you made yourself eat at least a bit although now it was cold and awfully soft. Ten minutes passed rather quickly and soon you found yourself standing next to the taxi with Seoyun. You gestured her to get in, but she stood in front of you and suddenly bowed deeply while extending her hands in front of you. Much to your surprise she was giving you a popsicle.

"Y/N-unnie I know it's not much but I wanted to thank you..."

You grinned at her while taking the gift. You quickly unwrapped it and tried it, it was strawberry flavoured.

"Thank you. It's the best popsicle I've ever had." You said honestly. Seoyun blushed and entered the car but before the taxi took off she lowered the car window and screamed.

"Y/N-unnie from today I'm your biggest fan! Unnie fighting!" You laughed.

"Mmm. Thank you!" After that car took off and you happily walked back home. Earphones in, phone in your hand as you decided to order some food since the ramyun sadly haven't been quite satisfying. You slurped at the popsicle even though it was the time of year when nights got colder. The taste of strawberries melted on your tongue. It was the first time someone in Korea told you they were your fan, it was also the first time a Korean fan gave you a gift. Despite the chilly air, and cold ice against your lips you felt warmth spreading from your chest. Grinning to yourself, you scrolled through different restaurants still thinking of what should you eat and then you bumped into someone or rather someone bumped into you. Popsicle fell to the ground and so did your phone with earphones brutally torn out from your ears. The man who bumped into you was in a very similar attire as your own he even wore a mask and a cap. You frowned upon realizing the gift from your first Korean fan was melting next to you. You were however about to apologize before he spoke in irritated tone while collecting some boxes scattered around you two.

"Next time watch where you're going." The blood inside you boiled the third time this evening and you snapped back at him before he could add anything else.

"Maybe you should watch where you're going." your tone was so aggressive it was clear all of the frustrations from today's evening build up in you. You gathered your things quickly.

"Excuse me..." he said straightening as he glared at you. His tone was promising a fight or a lecture at least. You didn't feel like any of that so once again today you didn't let someone finish their sentence, a habit of yours as it seems.

"Apologies accepted, asshole." you said fiercely and left him standing there with his stupid boxes in a state of shock. You got into the elevator and decided not to pay anyone any more of your thoughts tonight. You smiled at wooden popsicle stick and quickly forgot about the man downstairs.

Jinyoung was still shocked but also amused by your witty comeback. He knew he reacted upon his emotions when he was rude to you. He was just angry that he had to move the second time in the last two months. Sasaengs somehow found out about his last apartment in which he lived for only two weeks and just started feeling at home. Few days ago they found him, and he was harassed once again. Tired and angry he acted without thinking when you bumped into him and his belongings scattered. He wanted to apologize right away but you growled back at him, and he got irritated, so he wanted to lecture you or at least tell you not to interrupt other people when they are speaking, but you did just that and in very smart matter at that as well. Now Jinyoung was riding an elevator trying to pinpoint your face, he was sure he had seen you somewhere already. He entered his flat and sighed as he realized he had to unpack once again. He decided it could wait till morning.

You were woken up by both pounding and drilling in the wall behind your head. With long groan you pulled a pillow over your head but it didn't help much. You checked the time on your phone. It was seven thirty in the morning and you couldn't fall asleep till three - courtesy of your jet lag. You tried to ignore it hoping that you were sleepy and tired enough to fall asleep, unfortunately to no avail.

"Who the hell does the renovation on Saturday morning?" you asked your own walls with furious tone. You left the bed deciding to speak with the person next door. You didn't even bother to change from your PJ or brush your teeth, or hair, or even to throw something over yourself. You left your apartment in your bunny pyjama set, a gift from your best friend. Soon you were pounding angrily at the door. It took quite some time before the drilling inside stopped and someone opened the door. The man who opened seized you up and down with his eyes and coughed in his fist diverting his gaze somewhere else.

"Can I help you?" he asked his voice was a bit distressed. "I sure hope you can. It's Saturday seven in the morning." you were fuming, and he finally looked at you although he kept his eyes stuck to your face. "Ah... thank you for informing me. Are you working as personal calendar and clock for all of your neighbours or am I on some special treatment?" he asked sarcastically and smirked which made you: first bewildered and second even more mad if that's possible. "Let me rephrase that for you: it's Saturday, early morning and you are drilling in a wall." "Well, technically it was Mr Ahn who was drilling, I was enjoying myself with a book." He clearly enjoyed teasing you, there was this gleam in his eyes. "Don't you think that's a bit too early for a renovation?" your voice was seething with venom although you tried to keep your cool. "Quite contrary. I checked with the building manager, and I am only supposed to keep quiet between ten p.m and seven a.m. as you can see I even waited thirty minutes." He smiled at you and in that second you hated him, his stupid brown hair, strangely symmetrical face, weirdly tight cardigan and the fact that you couldn't do much since he was in the right. You just turned on your heels ready to storm off back to your flat when he spoke again. "Ah, and might I add I just love your fashion sense." he raised one brow and his eyes once again travelled through your body. "Excuse me?"

"Apologies accepted." Your face went from frowned and angry to shocked in a second, and he laughed at your reaction before closing the doors and leaving you cursing yourself, your luck and your best friend who thought it would be cute to buy you pyjama set which contained of hoodie with ears and a bunny tail and some shorts.

You entered your apartment, deep red setted on your face from both anger and embarrassment. As soon as you closed the doors the drilling continued. You cursed under the breath and went to shower. You stood long under the stream letting the water wash away both dirt and emotions. Once you were clean and ready for the day you’ve decided to ditch your flat for now since it was too loud for you anyway. This time you went for less sporty look but still all black. It was a turtleneck, slacks, martens and a beret. Chic and comfortable. You did your makeup and hair and went out for breakfast. The car was already waiting for you when you got downstairs. You pulled a black mask over your face and greeted the driver who didn't talk much and so you didn't have to worry about the small talk. You scrolled through your phone checking the messages you got from your manager — there was about twenty of them and somehow each was written with different emotion: rage, irritation, sadness, hopelessness and so on. You sighed knowing that you should probably apologize for the troubles you caused him. Then again what were you supposed to do, not react when half of this country is calling you names? You signed back in your Twitter only to be greeted by thousands of notifications. Most of which were trolls and haters commenting on your tweets with occasional death threats in your DMs. You tried your very best not to read each and every comment knowing that even though you were strong it still affected you. You were; however, positively surprised when you found some supporting voices. There was your best friend (obviously) who fiercely defended you and called out everyone on their bull, he even threatened legal action and you smiled brightly at his tweets, but there were also few Korean celebrities who took your side and defended you as well. Most importantly there were few normal people, fans perhaps, who applauded you and thanked for speaking out. You smiled when you saw user "Y/NUnnieFandomPresidentSeoyun" somewhere in your notifications. Somehow traffic was still bad even on weekend and it took you forty minutes to get to the café you had in mind. Once you got there however you didn't regret time spend on travel. It was café in quiet part of town, it wasn't very popular since it wasn't in Gangnam but because of that it was one of your favourites. No paparazzi, no dispatch, no other celebrities.

The place itself wasn't very big but it had huge windows and was located in front of the park so you could easily grab a coffee and go for a walk or just stay inside and watch people and kids spending their time at the park. The interior wasn't anything special either, it wasn't one of those Instagram worthy cafés. It had simple modern style. You came in and ordered coffee and some toasts and sat in front of the window. There were few people inside so you sat without your mask freely and wondered if your friend was already sleeping. It was around nine here so in Los Angeles it was probably midnight. You texted him asking if he's sleeping, and he just responded by facetiming you right away. His black hair was still wet from shower, and he wasn't wearing any shirt.

"Yah! Y/N-ah!" he scolded you immediately. "How dare you not text or call your best friend for over a day. Do you know how worried I was?" You rolled your eyes at him.

"It's not like you contacted me either. And put some clothes on Tuan."

"Never. I know you secretly love watching my chest."

"Gross. Anyway.. I haven't called because I was tired yesterday, you know jet lag and all of that, so don't get mad at me."

"How are you now?" His playfulness was replaced by concern and it was clear he wasn't really asking about the quality of your sleep which was in fact terrible thanks to your lovely neighbour.

"I'm fine." He gave you the look. "Really. Honestly I didn't expect anything better from what I got, so I'm fine Mark."

"I shouldn't have let you go. You know what? Those people don't deserve you. Come back to the USA and let's live together again I'll even cook. Or I can come to you I'll fight them and keep you company. I'm can easily stream from there.." You giggled at him and he grinned. "You know I'm serious though you can come back I already miss you anyway. God, I should have married you maybe you wouldn't leave me Y/N-ah..." he was whiny again and you laughed. It was an inside joke between you. Both yours and his parents would always tell you to just marry already but neither of you felt anything romantic towards the other one. You'd known each other since you were two and both of you had treated each other like siblings ever since.

"You should have and now it's too late. I'll find myself new victim and feast on their heart like a true gumiho I am." you said in theatrical manner while munching on your toast.

"Honestly who the fuck writes those articles?"

"I don't know but I'm pretty sure... Oh my god. You've got to be kidding me." you said and tried to lower your face down so that the person passing in front of the window you've been sitting by couldn't see you.

"What? What? Is that paparazzi? Your ex? Is that paparazzi rented by your ex?" You frowned at your friend.

"What? No? It's my asshole neighbour." "Never heard of him. Why are we hiding anyway? You can just tell him to back off. Last time I checked you were great at that." He showed you two thumbs up and smiled broadly. "I'm hiding because I'm embarrassed and I don't want to talk to him." "Why?" he laughed. "What did you do?" "I didn't do anything it was that stupid PJ you got me..." you whispered at him while trying to make yourself as small as possible. "Oh my god. One day in Korea and you already got yourself a one-night stand. This is not how I raised you. What would your mother say?" he teased you and giggled. "For the love of... it's not like that." you said angrily a bit too loud perhaps since the men in question who was just ordering by the counter turned around and looked you dead in the eyes. His neutral expression changing to surprised before it transformed to smirk. You cursed yourself and Mark and bowed your head slightly and awkwardly before you turned around to face your now laughing friend.

"You should see your face."

"Shut up. I hate you."

"You love me."

"What a surprise." Third voice spoke up by your side and you cringed a little before you put on your cold mask on.

"A surprise indeed." You said, your neighbour moved his eyes from your face to the screen of your phone carefully placed against the glass. Mark was still there, still half naked and smirking at you.

"Am I interrupting something?"

"Yes."

"No." you and Mark said at the same time and you send him death glare regretting that you couldn't kick him right now. "I was about to go to sleep anyway. Love you."

He disappeared without waiting for your response. You let out soft sigh and reach out for phone.

"Do you mind if I join you?" The man was already sitting next to you. He was smiling at you and perhaps any other person would say it was a warm type of smile but you felt like he was mocking you. Constantly. You straightened up in your seat and eyed him closely. He was wearing the same tight cardigan, it was accentuating his broad frame and muscles hidden underneath soft, brown cashmere and simple but well fitted blue jeans. You had to admit he was handsome and had somehow angelic face which only made you cringe once you compared it to his personality or at least to what he showed you already. "I don't think that's a good idea." You said after a pause, his expression didn't change for a second, and he sipped on coffee that blushing waitress brought a few seconds ago. "How so?" His voice was sweet and melodic, it irritated you even more. "I am a celebrity, there might be an article about me having coffee with you tomorrow." You kept your tone intentionally bored as you played with the spoon. He laughed and you changed your mind his speaking voice couldn't be called melodic when his laughter sounded so beautifully.

"That's funny. I'm celebrity as well I think I'll survive." It wasn't surprising at all, he was too good-looking to not be an idol, a model or an actor perhaps. You held back another sigh. You could already see the headlines "Y/N attacks again will this man keep up with her appetite" or perhaps "One day in Korea, and she already dates — check out Y/N and her new boy toy". "Yeah I doubt it." you said but quickly added. "Weren't you supposed to renovate your apartment anyway?" "I left it to Mr Ahn it got too loud for me to read in peace."

"I can imagine." Sarcasm was basically dripping from your tongue which only seemed to amuse him even more. His eyes were now twinkling and you thought that he must be a devil in disguise. "I must say it's very lucky that I met you here. What are the odds, right?" "Ah I wouldn't call it lucky, that's for sure." You were currently planning how to escape from this conversation. "So how about we get to know each other a bit better?" He proposed with a warm smile. "I don't think so. I don't even know you." "Oh. That's harsh you do know me. I'm your neighbour and this is our third meeting." He placed a hand over his heart and frowned in pain and you wondered how can one still look handsome while frowning before he continued. "Besides I can fix that. I'm Park Jinyoung nice to meet you. See now we know each other." You fought and urge to roll your eyes and you summoned the most polite looking smile you had in your arsenal. Your phone rang before you could say anything and you've never been more happy to see your manager's face appearing on your screen.

"I'm sorry I have to take it." you said politely, and he just nodded. "Oh I wasn't expecting you to pick up." "Ah manager-nim don't be like that I haven't been picking up only for one day." "Why are you so polite are you with someone?" "Yes." You glared at Jinyoung, he was watching you with a smile with coffee in his hand. "Ok, I can call later." "No!" you almost screamed and cleared your throat trying to remain composure. "No, it's fine." "O-ok. Do you have time today? We should meet and talk I just got something that may interest you. It's really nice drama. I know you said you don't want to play in any of those romantic stories but hear me out this one is..." you'd roll your eyes if not for your neighbour's curious eyes. "Of course when and where will we meet?" You decided to cut off his rumbling. "Really? Before departure, you said you won't play in any stupid drama again." "Ah, I see. I did say that. We should meet today, text me the address then." Hanging up on him, you hoped he got the brains to follow up with text. He thankfully did and your phone barked. Jinyoung laughed again and you gave him confused look. "Did your phone just bark at you?" You blushed against yourself. Was it so weird to have a dog's bark as your message sound? "Ah... yes. I like dogs." You cringed on yourself. Somehow today in front of this man you were constantly losing your cool. He either irritated you or made you flustered enough to forget any eloquent comebacks or eloquence at all. "Anyway it was nice meeting you Jinyoung-ssi but I have to meet up with my manager."

"Oh you're leaving without even properly introducing yourself?" He cocked a brow on you and smirked. You stood up and looked at him coldly. "I'm sorry I don't feel the need." You were about to leave before he spoke again. "Ah… running already... startled... like a true bunny. Come to think of it... it does have a nice ring into it, doesn't it? Bunny. It suits you and you even have a costume already." His voice was so extremely mocking that you felt the irritation buzzing in you like electricity. Not to mention he spoke so loudly the waitress that was blushing at him before now listened carefully. You groaned internally. What if she writes about it somewhere. Media won't let you live especially that he is your neighbour they'd say he is already in love with you. And "bunny" was such a couple pet name. You were in the midst of your internal crisis before he decided to speak again.

"Have nice day bun.." You reacted before you thought, your hand slapped against his mouth before he could say anything more. His eyes got bigger, he was clearly shocked that you were so close to him, that you touched him and that you didn't really care about your language. You on the other had were fuming. You've met your fair share of fuckboys, assholes and idiots but not one of them that had similar status to yours acted with such insolence in public where other people could see you. Well, almost none, perhaps your ex was the only one. You kept your voice quiet, loud enough only for him to hear.

"Shut up. And watch your tongue before I pull it out because the universe be my witness I will and I'll do it with pleasure. My name is not kitten, bunny or any other pet name your buffoon head comes up with. It's Y/N. My name is bloody Y/N." You hissed out and his hand reach out to yours. It was hot from coffee and soft even though his grasp was firm. He took your hand of his mouth and smiled.

"Nice to meet you."

You took a step back and send him the look that must have looked like you were trying to shoot daggers at him.

"I'm sure it is. Now if you excuse me. I don't want to be late."

You rushed to counter to pay only to find out it was already taken care of by Jinyoung. You furrowed your brows and wanted to give him his money back instantly but your phone buzzed and it was your cue to leave. The driver was here.

To Mark 🐰 💙 : One day Tuan... you'll pay for this betrayal

From Mark 🐰 💙 : ILY 2 good night. P.S. He seemed hot 👀

You rolled your eyes how hot was he didn't matter if his sole personality drove you crazy only after three brief meetings. You sighed. This was not how you wanted to spend this day: enraged twice and on your way to see your manager.

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kinetic-elaboration · 3 years

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April 10: 2x14 Wolf in the Fold

Watched Wolf in the Fold last night. The only thing I really remembered about this ep going in was that it was a Scotty ep. Which is true but also… slightly misleading. Also that it had to do with Jack the Ripper—which is more true than I remembered!

A decadent intro… I get why Spock isn’t here but I actually DO think he would be into it.

Matchmaker Kirk lol.

Scotty is so awkward. This is the other detail I remembered from this ep, actually: how Scotty wants to applaud using his hands no matter what. (Even with those cool lights RIGHT THERE lol). Old Aberdeen pub crawler…

This is honestly such a bizarre back story: Scotty got a concussion because someone who happened to be a woman made a mistake and now not only is his head all funny but he has a “total resentment toward women.” Like okay, nothing creepily sexist in that concept. Also –they ultimately barely even use it! I know it’s the implied rationale for why he would suddenly start murdering women and also not remembering it but it’s like such a flimsy excuse that they never say it out loud in so many words for fear it should sound too stupid. Which it would. Honestly, you really only need the concussion imo. Why go into the weird misogyny thing at all?

And now Kirk and Bons head off to a brothel, giving me a total resentment toward men.

Nice eerie fog out here. Very Aberdeenian.

Okay, so this woman was stabbed a dozen times but she only screamed once? And then a second later, Scotty had somehow teleported several feet away, still holding the knife? He’s good at his job but he’s not that good. This is already deeply suspicious.

“Therapeutic shore leave.” Trying to cure his hatred of ladies lmao.

So this weird little bald man, Hengist, from Rigel IV. Is he an alien? I suppose he must be. Rigellians are a race, as we know from Journey to Babel. It’s not always clear to me which groups of people are Earth colonists who have migrated to or been born on other planets and which are humanoid aliens.

The Aurelians are a gentle, harmless people. Cute. I like these aliens.

I wish we could hire aliens to be our administrators. Alien Overlord and Taylor.

“I’ll be taking over, since I am the highest official.” He out-officialed him.

I like this guy and his slightly creepy empath priestess wife. I feel like Spock would like them, too.

Speaking of: Spock in the captain’s chair. Hot.

I don’t get how this planet is the only space port around. Like… could not any planet be a space port? What does that even mean?

Oh no, a woman with the lie detector machine! She must be incompetent and/or to be despised.

I love Sybo’s outfit. Her hair and jewelry too. Honestly just a great head-to-toe look.

Another murder! Sorry but this one is on the Aurelian for just leaving the murder weapon out there unattended.

Generally speaking, the costume and set people are doing allllll the work in this episode.

Hengist went to look for suspects and he came up with the victim’s father and fiancé?? He’s not even trying lol. Anyway, he obviously did it.

How can you NOT tell if a lock was picked or not? I mean I know McCoy is a doctor, not a locksmith, but come on. It can’t be that ambiguous.

Spooky mumbo-jumbo.

Interesting that Spock doesn’t trust the mumbo-jumbo either. I guess he only approves of it when it’s Vulcan.

When Sybo says “monstrous evil” the camera is looking right at Hengist. Not suspicious at all. He’s only clearly railroading Scotty, looked right at the second victim before she was killed, was in the perfect position to take the murder weapon after it was carelessly left about, and is the most obvious non-Scotty suspect here.

I love how loyal Bones is. He literally saw Scotty holding Sybo and the knife with blood on his hands and is like “It’s impossible he could have done it.”

So many of the “truth discovery” devices on TOS are truly creepy. Like they’re all clear plot devices, and for that reason depicted as completely reliable, and the more completely reliable they are, the more deeply disturbing they become upon any reflection at all.

That’s a pretty computer though. All those pretty flashing lights! And it runs on floppy disks.

I literally just remembered what happened.

“Scotty, lie to me, how old are you?” / “Twenty-two, Sir.” Yeah, I’d say that’s a lie.

So like this allegedly all-powerful computer is literally just a lie detector. That’s it! A lie detector that picks up on psychological signs of lying, just like our lie detectors today. I mean… you could have just said that straight out. All they do is show what a person believes to be true, so in the case where someone truly doesn’t remember something, the usefulness is… limited.

My mom suggested a Vulcan mind meld which, actually, would pretty much solve the problem! But for once Spock actually treats it like something serious and not to be thrown out as a solution to all problems at the merest suggestion.

Someone needs to do a fashion line based entirely on the Argellian outfits.

Spock is internally eye-rolling at all this drama. I feel like he’s a real advocate for the computers today. That’s like… really his only role.

The computer’s linguistics banks don’t know what this word means? Maybe we should get Uhura on the case.

Plot twist: the killer was Jack the Ripper the WHOLE TIME! The last one you’d ever expect.

I don’t get how the computer made the leap from Redjac to Jack the Ripper since that is not a real word and no one outside of this episode of TOS has ever used it for Jack the Ripper.

“Everyone feeds on death, even vegetarians.” So dark, Spock. So emo.

Aw, alien creatures that derive sustenance from love. Adorable. There should have been an episode devoted to them. (Wait a minute…. Idea coming on…)

Speaking of gaseous cloud aliens…the Companion?

This episode really relies a lot on the computer to provide information and otherwise move the plot along.

Kirk keeps ignoring everyone to just talk to Spock.

“Cloud the issue” lol that’s a good pun. (Already can’t remember who said it but… point stands.)

The cloud entity feeds on women because they are more easily and deeply terrified. That sounds fake but okay. It’s also not in keeping with what Sybo said, is it? She mentioned a hatred of women. That’s not the same as finding women useful.

Hmm, when do we get our Martian Colonies, @ perseverance?

Oh, Rigel IV, you say? There seems to be a Rigellian right here!

This whole history of the entity is bizarre. The first killing sprees (that we know of) are on Earth, and Kirk specifically says that when man left Earth to explore, he took this with him. Does that mean… the cloud creature/entity originated on Earth? Truly a bizarre hypothesis, when you think about it.

Are you the entity, Sir?

There is actually very little Scotty in this Scotty-centric episode.

Lol the knife originates with the hill people of Rigel IV. What is this, Deliverance?

Omg Kirk punched the entity right out of that man!

So to summarize: “Jack the Ripper is actually a gaseous cloud that is capable of infecting the computer system of the Enterprise, thus hijacking the whole ship” is the basic, wacky concept of this episode.

This tranquilizer could quiet a volcano. Where was it during the volcano scene in STID hmm?

Kirk’s plan to keep people from being scared by the maniacal voice of the entity: Tranquilize the entire ship. That’s why he’s paid the big bucks.

Yet another twist on the old Kirk v. Computer plot. Time to use Math to defeat it.

Kirk is so unimpressed with the entity. “Eh, shut that off.” He would not be moved by a haunted house.

“This is the first time I’ve heard a malfunction threaten us.” Sulu can man his post AND be funny; he’s multi-talented.

Kirk and Spock don’t need tranquilizers because they’re smart enough to know this high-pitched voice yelling random threats just isn’t actually scary.

Kirk is really insistent that Sulu man his frickin’ post!

Oh no, not PI!! My nemesis, PI!

I’m really living for Sulu here.

If the entity entered a tranquilized person, it might take up knitting. I gotta say, that doesn’t make any sense as a plot point but I like it anyway.

That was a very efficient tranquilizing job! Everyone in a 400+ person ship in like 10 minutes? Get the medical team on the Enterprise in charge of the vaccine distribution stat.

Kirk just outright assumes that Spock won’t be a hospitable entity choice. And he’s not even wrong! The entity chooses the dead body over Spock or Kirk. It knows when it’s not wanted.

Hengist has been revived!

The entity is honestly, truly hilarious. Die, die, everybody die! Kill! Kill you all! Maniacal laughter! All while being carried by a still utterly unimpressed Kirk down the halls of the ship.

Spock’s like “get out of the way, you tranquilized idiot. Got some entity-scattering to do.”

“I gave them a pretty big shot, Jim!” Think you might have slightly overdone it, Bones? You didn’t need to make everyone useless for 6 hours for a problem that was solved in 5 minutes!

This is one of those moments, Kirk trying to get Spock to see the pretty ladies with him, when Spock seems super gay. Like, I don’t even think he is, that’s not my reading of him, and I also assume that wasn’t the intention here, but that’s just so clearly how it reads.

Aw, Kirk doesn’t want to go the strip club alone. Poor bb.

Weird how Lt. Leslie was in this when he died in the last episode.

Overall, I’d actually have to say that was a very crack-y episode. I liked the ending the best because it was so ridiculous.

What I don’t understand, in addition to whether or not the entity was really supposed to be from Earth, was how it came to be Hengist. Like, it can enter and leave bodies (or computers) at will, so perhaps it just entered Hengist, a normal Rigellian, at some point. But if that’s so, putting him on the transporter and scattering him into space was a pretty cruel thing to do. Also, why did he die (or appear to die) when the entity wasn’t in him? That implies he is the entity’s physical form. But then, first of all, how is also a Rigellian? Like did the entity mate with a Rigellian? Did the entity take over a baby Rigellian? Did the entity just claim to be Rigellian but is really just humanoid in its physical form—we did establish that some aliens, like this one, or creatures or whatever, are gaseous sometimes and solid others, so maybe its solid form is humanoid. Which would fit well with it originating in Earth, although that also brings a new and perhaps unintentional layer of creepiness to the story. I have to assume that’s the situation, but still, wild. And it doesn’t explain this: why does Hengist “die” when the entity “leaves” him, as opposed to just disappear entirely when the entity changes form??

Anyway, I know I’m overthinking this very wacky premise. Overall, I think the episode was fine. It didn’t have enough Scotty (for being a “Scotty episode”) and it changed genres an awful lot for 50 minutes. There was a tad too much misogyny going on. And overall I didn’t feel like the characters—even Kirk, and in actuality this was a Kirk episode much more than a Scotty episode, and purposefully so—were at their most interesting. Tbh Sulu ultimately stole the show in the final minutes.

Next up is the Trouble with Tribbles! Also a funny episode but at least undeniably purposefully so!

#the year 2021 #2021: star trek #star trek tos #wolf in the fold

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detransexual · 3 years

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Hot take but people without personal experience too often focus on how young trans-id women and girls "destroy their beautiful bodies!" and way too little on how damaging trans ideology is psychologically for young girls/women. Sure i think medical transition should be criticised, but id love for there to be more of a concern about the psychological scars of it. Not even my horrible horrible experience waking up screaming in pain after surgery has affected my life even close to as negatively as spending years being told that as a transman i have male privilege, that im just as bad and violent and dangerous to other girls as actual boys and men are.

I still dont feel like i deserve to date women (and yes there are alot more factors to it) because im just as likely to hurt them as a sleezy shitty boyfriend. Especially since im honestly a mental trainwreck and my life is so far from being in order that it feels like im always going to be a burden on anyone who gets close to me. I dont think it can be overstated how detrimental it is to tell a young girl steeped in internalized misogyny and homophobia, socialized from birth to prioritise everyone else over herself, that she is a danger to other girls, that she is creepy, that she needs to check her male privilege, that she's an oppressor simply for being dysphoric and trying to escape misogyny. I dont fucking know man. It just fucked me up alot, but then again i am autistic and also extremely sensitive to the opinions of others, so maybe its just me, maybe im just weak, i dont know.

I could definitely have worded this better and more elaborately bc its a lot more complex than this but its late and ive had a week™

#Personal ramblings oop #Op #Detrans

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where-fading-princesses-live · 4 years

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double standards

So I was watching this very interesting video last night... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Di_R6Md-L80

And around 6:43, he talks about the classic Mary Sue trope and how, if you have a male character in a work of fiction who is presented as equally perfect and free of flaw (in other words, a Gary Stu), the criticism is less harsh towards him, or in some cases, nearly nonexistent. Some might even say he's a total bad-ass and how dare you find fault in someone so impossibly cool? But if they're female? Good god, it's bad writing and anti-feminist. People seem to be generally way more accepting of male archetypes who fall under this trope than the likes of their female counterparts, hence double standards. You see this all the time in action flicks for instance. Arnold Schwarzenegger films, anyone? James Bond whomst??? But suddenly you have Rey who's arguably not better or worse than the likes of those characters, and yet, the general opinion of her is... kind of unfair. Understandable, nonetheless... I'm not a fan of her either but at the same time, I don't think we should judge her harsher than male characters who have similar treatments. Male characters like that shouldn't be excused. I'm not saying Stus are NEVER pointed out or criticized, but this guy does have a point. There seems to be a much more airtight scrutiny surrounding female characters of this nature and it might be due to internalized misogyny or ''something something quantum quantum...'' Granted, I don't think Stus/Sues should be a widely accepted overused theme regardless, and that should be blamed on poor writing rather than sexism. Whether male, female, both, neither and everything in-between, characters need to be well-written, well-developed, believable and nuanced and blah blah blah. I'm not really here to talk about that. What I want to point out is double standards. And yes, this is sexism.

Take Rick and Morty for example. I'm not going to get too deep into it, but the fandom seems to praise the shit out of Rick who can easily be labelled a Stu because as we're constantly reminded, he's supposedly the ''smartest man in the universe''. Now, when you create a character who is a self-professed genius and placed on a pedestal by the writers, it can definitely come off Stu-ish. It's not that Rick unrealistically lacks flaws... no, this man is LOADED with flaws, but the fact that he's a literal badass who can get out of almost any sticky situation... well, like I said, there's more to his character than that and I'm not going to get into it, but Rick rarely, if ever, fails. Sometimes there's moments of vulnerability and the fact that he keeps trying to change but just slips back into his old ways, that makes him much more 3-dimensional than a Stu... but you know, despite his narcissism, his sarcasm, his alcoholism and mistreatment of his family and his incapability of maintaining healthy long-term relationships, he still has a limitless ability to create, a superior intelligence level even when compared to higher lifeforms on other planets, enabling him to outsmart entire government organizations and civilizations spanning galaxies, well... you can see where I'm going with this. There's no person on this planet like that who exists irl, even among the smartest of history's greatest men. Yes, it's a cartoon, it's meant to be far-fetched. Yes, it's sci-fi so we're expected to suspend our disbelief. Yes, there's a reason for it. Yes, it drives the core of the story. But even if there's times where it seems Rick will definitely fail, he never truly has an ALL IS LOST MOMENT because the writers conveniently write him out of most of his troubles, because the series has to keep going (obviously). Basically, I never feel a real sense of danger when Rick is in trouble because I know he'll get out alive (if not, there's infinite amount of Ricks and infinite amount of realities to replace him-- not to mention he can replace his family members as many times as he fucks up which became the show's laziest overused point in my opinion). Rick's not a bad character. Far from it. That's not what bothers me.

What bothers me is his daughter, Beth. Okay, no, she doesn't specifically bother me. The way the fandom sees her bothers me. Now Beth is undoubtedly cut from the same cloth. You know what they say, like father like daughter. And yet... the fandom fails to recognize her as a potentially great character, just as equally flawed and brilliant minded as Rick. She's a genius horse surgeon in a failing marriage. (I will go out on a limb and say she's more well written than Rick *ducks from flying tomatoes*.) I mean, her story is literally almost the same as her father's, her flaws are just as realistic--in fact, she's probably more realistic because she's not the ''smartest so and so of the godforsaken universe'' which is just as bad as annoyingly cringey The Chosen One trope. She's just Beth. A terribly smart woman with abandonment issues and trust issues and all other kinds of issues, but you can't blame her given her upbringing. By no means perfect or good at everything she does. Or loved (or hated) by everyone or hailed a genius by the entire flipping universe. You can't even call her a Sue. Yet some of the fandom chooses to label her a b*tch for whatever reason... even though her characterization is near identical to D*ck, er I mean Rick (e.g. she drinks just as much when she hits an all time low). She's just as awful with just as many fuck ups yet she's more sympathetic due to the way Rick raised her (or didn't raise her)... yet there's a double standard because somehow, because she's a female, she's a worse character than Rick, who's a male and apparently awesome (brownie points because he's one of the the two titular characters so you *can't* hate him, it's against the law). If Beth were Rick's son instead of his daughter, I wonder if the general opinion would be the same or not. If Rick were a woman.... he would be Rey, now would he? Don't deny it.

Then there's Ed Edd n' Eddy. As much as I love praising the hell out of this show, I also like to crap on it. There's no shame in pointing out flaws in your faves. But this isn't so much the flaw in the actual show and the actual writing, but again, I'm taking a jab at the fandom and how they perceive male characters v. female characters.

Sarah. Sarah is almost exactly like the female Eddy. She's little and bratty and loud af. She's probably the most hated character on the show (even Jimmy and Kevin are more liked than she is). I used to not like Sarah either but I never really asked myself WHY. When I compared her to Eddy, I realized that they're literally, almost the same character and I have no real reason to hate her (yeah yeah a lot of the cul-de-sac kids share eerily similar traits to the Eds and it was no accident; it makes you wonder why the kids hate the Eds so much if they ostracize them for the very same quirks they have, and it's not just the scams--it's because kids at this age are terribly insecure about themselves and tend to make fun of more vulnerable others who share their flaws to make themselves feel better. I was bullied in middle school for acne by... wait for it.... kids who had acne. GASP. Imagine that. So my point is, we often despise traits in others we despise in ourselves, not to mention we don't perceive ourselves the way others perceive us, hence, the Looking Glass Self theory. Basically, EEnE is deeper than it appears on the surface, and I've analyzed this before during those EEnE Appreciation Month things, so I won't bother repeating myself, but that's the basic idea in a nutshell.)

Ahem, before I get off on a further tangent, let me reiterate my main point. Sarah IS Eddy. No, not really, but yes, kinda really. Her voice can be irritating and grates on your nerves at times, she's bossy and controlling of her friends (I honestly love her friendship with Jimmy, and how they both defy stereotypical gender norms, and how protective she is of him, but there's times where she pushes his buttons), and though she doesn't hold Jimmy back from finding his own independence apart from her the way Eddy sometimes does to Ed and Edd who he treats them more as cronies in the first season (for instance, Sarah doesn't raise objection to Jimmy joining the Urban Rangers and finding his own identity and making other friends besides her, I mean they don't have to be glued to the hip and she damn well knows that), and yet... the way she treats Ed... well... even if Eddy stands up for Ed against Sarah and grows increasingly annoyed with the way she walks all over him... Eddy ain't much better, pumpkins. DON'T ACT LIKE HE'S BETTER THAN HER. Sure, male characters *always* get excused for this kind of behavior, but if it's a girl, she's automatically a mega beyotch with no redeeming qualities. If she's a b, he's a b, and they both have potential to redeem their flaws. They should be treated equally.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE Eddy. He's one of my favorite characters. OPE. And there's the tea.

Most people LOVE Eddy (not everybody, and if you don't, that's fine; you don't even have to like Sarah, but I have a case). Despite the fact that he's bossy, sarcastic, rude, selfish, self-absorbed, over confident, flamboyant, vain, screams with a voice that makes your ears bleed.... well, gee, didn't I just describe Sarah? Sarah loves make-up clothes and hair just as much as Eddy loves speedos and deodorant and cheap shampoo and dressing to the nines for Jonny's Arbor Day Party. Hell, Sarah had a complete meltdown because she lost her freakin' earring! Eddy flipped the fuck out when Ed lost his porno mags. THEY'RE. THE. SAME. FUCKING. PERSON. (and it's why they butt heads but that's a topic for another day, because you know, you can't fight fire with fire... you can argue the same for Eddy and Kevin)

Yet, the fandom HATES Sarah and LOVES Eddy. Probably not cuz she's female, but aside from the Kankers, the girls (and Jimmy, poor Jimmy) seem to receive harsher judgment towards them as characters by fans, even if they have similar traits to the boys. I'm sure it's because Sarah isn't as well written or developed a character as Eddy (who's a main cast member, actually the driving force of the show, the primary lead) BUT that's not to say Sarah doesn't have her moments of vulnerability or moments of total bad-assery that makes her.... well... interesting if given the chance. (In BPS, she beats the living shit out of the Kankers and devises a plan for her and Jimmy to escape their enslavement, one of my all-time favorite scenes in the entire movie; not to mention she beats the crap out of EVERYONE on the show and it's usually, not always, well-deserved but it's entertaining nonetheless: cat fights with Nazz, even beating up Rolf who's twice her size, etc.). The fact that everyone is afraid of this little girl??? (maybe except Kevin). I mean, this chick is fearless, and yet, she still has moments of weakness. That's 3-dimensional if you ask me. She's more than just the bratty little sister. I didn't used to like her, but after studying her more, I've come to appreciate her. There's nothing about her that makes her an inherently ''bad'' female character. She plays a role, as do they all, and she plays the role perfectly.

Last but not least: Nazz. Everyone's favorite (I'm kidding). I don't know if the fandom hates Sarah or Nazz more. I can understand the hate towards Sarah, but Nazz seems even less just. Nazz is like one of the nicest people on the show and never really does anything to warrant the hate (until the infamous flanderized Season 5-- don't judge me, I love S5 regardless)... but even then she's still nice, if a bit artificially so. I mean, she becomes a bit of a Mean Girl (they all kinda do; it must be how the clique school environment changes a person), but she still goes out of her way to be inclusive towards everyone (even if she can be spotted in the background laughing at the Eds along with the others at times, but they're ALL guilty of this... ya'll out here lovin' on Rolf or Jonny or whatever, and pretending like they're saints, but they laugh at our precious Ed boys too. Also, precious Ed boys are not complete angels either and sometimes they need a good ass whooping or two. I mean, they're just kids. Kids are assholes). She's not a bad person though; she roots for all the contestants during the Spelling Bee. She personally appoints Ed to be the mascot of the football team. I can go on and on. She's just nice. Maybe that's why fans hate her. Because nice is boring. Nice is... personality-less. I don't think Nazz has as much eccentricity as the other characters, obviously, but she, too, has her moments (she yodels, for starters). She's not entirely lacking in personality. Sure, she may have as much personality as a board of wood (actually, I take that back, Plank has MORE personality than her XD) buuuut.... Idk, I like Nazz. I didn't at first either. But even if it irks me a bit that she's reduced down to the unattainable love interest and not much else, she, too, isn't an inherently ''bad'' female character. She has the least development of all the cast members, but she fills her role effectively. Without her, the show would feel like it's missing something. Even if she doesn't appear as often.

What bothers me the most is that she plays the same part as Kevin, only female. Kevin's the quintessential jock/bully popular leader of the kids, the King of the Cul-de-sac if you will (self-appointed or otherwise, just don't tell Eddy I told you). Nazz is like his Homecoming Queen, even if they're not an official couple (they spend the whole series as a ''will they or won't they Ross and Rachel'') and though not the leader of the kids collectively, she does sometimes lead the girls (or really, Sarah and Jimmy), while Kevin leads the boys (Jonny and Rolf, excluding the Eds). AND YET Kevin, though sometimes hated by fans, isn't nearly *as* hated as Nazz. Yet, he has as much personality as her (sorry, I love you, Kev). I mean, THEY'RE. ALMOST. THE. SAME. CHARACTER. Good looking, sporty, popular... He's also the least developed character of the male cast. Plank has more development than him and that's kinda sad... y'know... getting beat by a board of wood. (But Plank comes alive through Jonny, so basically Jonny is split into two separate characters; Plank reveals aspects of Jonny that he won't reveal to us, and vice versa. I can talk about Jonny all day, but let's not, because this is about Nazz.) I mean, again, Nazz and Kevin both have their moments of vulnerability and it's not like they're NEVER interesting; I beg to differ. Kevin, anyway, has two great episodes that revolve directly around his insecurities and anxieties and deep-seated fears, some deep shit I wish we got to see with Nazz. But instead we got BPS and it was hands-down the best character development we ever saw from her in the entire show's run. It's sad it had to be the end, because if they gave us more BPS Nazz throughout the series, she would have been a well rounded 3-d character.

Nazz is angry AF in BPS and I live for angry Nazz. We can kind of feel for her here because Kevin is such a dunce. She's finally reciprocating his feelings and he decides to turn the other way.... for his goddamn inanimate bike. It's something Jonny would do, but Kev always loved that bike... I guess more than Nazz, and it's one of the greatest love triangles ever. Phantom of the Opera don't interact. Ahem. My point is, Nazz finally displays more personality here-- like actual fucking emotion beyond just being nice and pretty (sure, we've seen her get angry sometimes, or freaked out other times, but never like this). Buuuuuut the fandom sees otherwise. They hated Nazz even MORE after this, despite that.... the male characters in BPS, like Rolf who punches through a tree and Edd and Eddy who go at it all piss and vinegar in an actual fist fight, are angry fucking men, and they're allowed to be angry and not Nazz because...? They have more testosterone and she doesn't? Because penises are more justified than vaginas? Oops, no, sorry, women can only be angry when they're on their periods, my bad. I mean, everybody's out in this freezing cold swamp, having a break down, at their wit's end, reaching their ''all is lost'' moment... yet, Rolf and the Eds are allowed to vent their frustrations on each other or on the surrounding environment. But not Nazz. No, Nazz is being a b*tch because.... Kevin's paying more attention to a non-living machine than to her. And he sat flat on his skinny ass and didn't help her when she needed him the most. And she didn't have to tag along with him but she did. She didn't have to put up with his cold aloofness but she did. And even if she was trying to catch his attention and flirt with him at inappropriate times she wasn't entirely useless. It was HER idea to find Eddy's brother. If she hadn't suggested it, he'd still be riding around in circles chasing his shadow. Yeah, okay, she's a total b*tch.

God forbid women have emotions. God forbid women cry or get frustrated. Then they're b*tches. But if they're pretty and nice and perfect and popular, they're Sues. Yet, male characters with the same traits.... get lighter sentences. No one even bats an eye. Boys will be boys am I right?

I can go on but yeah, don't say double standards are total BS. In this essay I will

#personal shit #eene #ed edd n eddy #rick and morty #feminism #mary sue #gary stu #nazz #sarah

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dentalrecordsmusic · 5 years

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My Chemical Romance Was an Excellent Band and You're Not Special for Shitting on Them

There was a time when I was extraordinarily uncool. Around age 11 my fashion sense was a mess, my hair was messier, and I listened to My Chemical Romance. 2004. What a year. I was bullied for a lot of things, from my big belly and lil tiddies to my love for these pants. But most especially, I was bullied for my taste in music (no, I’m serious).

I have a distinct memory of a boy who (shall not be named) (thought Billy Talent was the best band ever) would stuff notes in my middle school locker telling me to kill myself because I was an “emo shithead” who listened to MCR. I remember one girl at sleep away camp (I’ll name her) (it was Serina) (she won’t read this) who had a lot to say about my “fat ass” and even more to say about my passion for music, which was dubbed “whiney screaming boy band garbage.” Good times.

I wrote an article last year about my trials and tribulations with what has been christened “mall emo” and I found out that not only was I accompanied in my laments, but there were literally thousands of people who went through similar things as pre-teens. The difference was, I was bullied into believing that My Chemical Romance was embarrassing. That there were not worthy of praise, and rather, they were something to be ashamed of. Don’t give anyone the idea that you like them. They will make fun of you. They will make you feel stupid. My secret of loving this band became a sinking feeling in my stomach. This feeling followed me through college and beyond.

The truth was, My Chemical Romance wasn’t just a good band. They were very good. So good that people, to this day, continue to run fan blogs about them despite the fact that they’ve been broken up for like, five (almost six) years. Fans are making their own merchandise. They’re starting podcasts. They’re starting bands. They’ve been following MCR since age 11 like me, or they’re discovering them now as high schoolers, and now, they’re reflecting on how groundbreaking, magnificent, and prolific this band was. It’s not simply teen angst driving them. These fans are older now. They’re looking beyond that and seeing My Chemical Romance for what they were: poetic, theatrical, sincere music.

From the beginning, they wanted to start a band that sounded like if “Morrissey had joined The Misfits” and they achieved that through their songwriting, expressive creative vision, and their dynamic performances whether they were playing to ten kids in a basement in Philly or a packed arena in Mexico City. There are a plethora of tracks in their discography that illustrate this, but “Thank You For The Venom” is perhaps the most obvious nod to Moz and Jersey’s horror punk band. Later in their career, they took on a bigger, brighter, arena-filling Queen-inspired sound with The Black Parade and broke down barrier after barrier in terms of career success. Later, they brought pop back into the mix on Danger Days and inspired so many with a beautiful apocalyptic concept which brought us the comic books. Conventional Weapons came around and we were faced with another realm of MCR — one that was dirtier, grittier, and yet still uniquely them.

The roses in the sink. The night vision photoshoots. The blood-drenched magazine covers. The intensity of their music videos. Their old website. The merch and the album booklets and the show posters and the backdrops. The band had every hand in what they visually stood for. It was impressive and almost insane how much work and attention and thought was put into how they were visually perceived. My Chemical Romance took on each new album like one would approach a cohesive feeling — each was its own separate art project with a distinct manifestation. They captured pain and suffering and also valor and heroism all in the same vein. They were stunning.

Gerard Way was an exceptional frontman from his effortless highs to his on-the-brink-of-death lows. Throughout the entirety of his career with MCR, he was acutely aware of himself and what he represented to millions of fans around the world. A powerful symbol of what it means to face adversity and to be unafraid to "keep on living." On the opposite side of the coin, he was an Iron Maiden and Morrissey fanboy with a deep love for Dungeons & Dragons. He loved his grandma. He wore his heart and every other internal organ on his sleeve. He fought against many things: misogyny, mental health stigma, homophobia, transphobia. Way stood for inclusion and acceptance against all odds, especially during a time when bands were still asking girls to show their tits on camera for backstage passes.

“You’re not in this alone” was the first MCR lyric ever written from the song “Skylines and Turnstiles." It became the main idea behind the band, as well as a mission statement for them to stand on if they ever lost sight of what was important to them. More importantly, My Chemical Romance never shied away from how enthusiastic their fanbase was (and still is). “Sometimes, honestly, I feel like we’re moderating a support group,” Gerard Way told Spin in 2007. “We tap into dark stuff from the high school years, and it’s our responsibility to bring kids to a positive, nonviolent solution.” They took responsibility for their actions, never faltering on their goals, and they always made kids feel less alone. “It's okay to be fucked up, 'cause there are five guys in this band who are just as fucked up as you but we've overcome that to do what we do,” Way said in Life On The Murder Scene.

When the music stopped and My Chemical Romance broke up, it was bitter-sweet (mostly bitter) (just kidding). In truth, there was a sigh of relief, but also sorrow. Where else was the band going to go? How much further could they take it? What can we expect from the Way brothers and Frank and Ray in terms of new musical projects that weren’t My Chemical Romance? One could argue that there were plenty of other “emo” bands who were doing something similar — writing intimate songs about intimate things. But admittedly, on a grand scale, no other band did it like MCR. They filled arenas and moved over five million albums over the course of their career which spanned a killer twelve years. They were an enormous band playing loud as fuck songs about incredibly personal ideas and they continued, without fail, to include every walk of life on their journey through the ups and the downs.

My Chemical Romance created a new musical frontier. Unassisted, they formed an entire subculture of teens and young adults — especially women, mentally ill teenagers, and LGBTQ+ people — who could network together and find acceptance and solidarity in their suffering, which continues to be stigmatizing and written off as the usual case of “teen angst.” Your problem? You’re lead to believe that just because a band has a majority female fanbase it’s not considered sincere and heartfelt music. That it is automatically cringe-worthy and unqualified to be critiqued the way good bands should be critiqued: based on the quality of their music, their artistic vision, and their ability to perform in an entertaining manner. My Chemical Romance was superb. Let go of your misogyny.

And that’s that on that.

Catherine Dempsey’s gun fires seven different shades of shit. So what’s your favorite color, punk? You can follow her on Instagram and Twitter.

Follow DRM on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

#my chemical romance #my chem #mcr #mcrmy #gerard way #frank iero #mikey way #ray toro #alternative rock #emo #feature #catherine dempsey

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serenagaywaterford · 4 years

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It’s aggravating to see aunt Lydia get some sort of redemption arc both in the new book (Why, Margaret?!), and possibly in season 4. She should be the last person to get it, as far as I am concerned. She is a real believer, the only one who’s totally devoted to Gilead, 100%. Not even Fred, or other commanders, and certainly not Serena. Yet, people scream bloody murder if there is even a hint of Serena turning to the good side. But they want it for aunt Lydia, fuck’em!

RIGHT?!

Without going into how bad a book The Testaments is (cos, lbr, it isn’t a good novel), I was just SO disappointed that even Atwood went that route. I mean, it was a bit obvious that Miller wanted to soften Lydia and that absolutely atrocious, nonsensical, bullshit S3 episode was proof of that (and what an insult to Ann Dowd tbh. She deserved so much better).

I literally cannot buy any of the “Aunt Lydia isn’t THAT bad! She’s not like Serena! She just a true believer!”

And...???

I don’t see how she’s not worse than Serena? The only thing people seem to think about is 2x10.

“Well, Aunt Lydia didn’t help Fred pregnancy-rape June!”

No, she didn’t. That’s right.

She just chained her up in a basement, force fed her, and threatened her with death over and over and over until she completely broke her psychologically and made her into a walking zombie-womb to serve her One True Purpose -- to such a degree that even Serena (Serena! The one who wanted a perfect obedient Handmaid!) is like, “WTF?! This is too much, yo. Where my snarky baby factory at?”

She beat and maimed other women in front of June as payback because she knew she couldn’t touch her. (Hmm, familiar? Except Serena slapped Rita. Aunt Lydia literally burned Alma’s arm over open flame.)

She took Janine’s EYE for merely talking back(!), and Lilly’s TONGUE, and attempted to get the Handmaid’s to murder Janine themselves. She’s had June’s feet lashed so hard she can’t walk--MULTIPLE TIMES. And those are only the abuses we know about. But, no, she didn’t help any husband rape June, that’s true.

“UWU LYDIA! She’d never suggest such a thing like Serena did!”

No, she wouldn’t but not because she cares about JUNE lolololol; she cares about the BABY and it is a terrible idea medically for a healthy birth (which is incidentally why I don’t buy that whole 2x10 episode. Serena’s disgusting and furious but she’s not fucking stupid.) That is all Lydia is concerned about. That is her validation and her raison d’etre; if she doesn’t produce obedient Handmaids that give men healthy babies, she’s failed. And I don’t believe that it’s entirely fear that motivates her. She seems to get a very clear sort of power trip and glee from exercising such brutality on young women. Hence, her attitude and acceptance towards how the system treated Natalie. Babies above all! Fuck women, they’re literally just machines. They are BROOD MARES.

“Aunt Lydia didn’t hold June down to be raped every month!”

No, she didn’t. That’s right.

She just trained 100s or 1000s of girls with brutal torture to lie down and take it. She fully supports the Ceremony. Fully. 100%. Even horrible Serena hates it and VISIBLY is uncomfortable with it (but she’s a selfish, delusional coward with anger & jealousy issues so she abides it).

Absolutely everything else Serena has done, short of writing an anti-feminist book and making speeches pre-Gilead, Aunt Lydia has also done. Randomly beat June? Check. Lock June in a room? Check. Scream at June? Check. Uphold the ideals of Gilead? Check. Aunt Lydia ACTIVELY abused, tortured, maimed, bullied, and straight up murdered numerous women. Not just one or two. How many Handmaids has she “trained”? COUNTLESS. Without a hint of remorse. Sometimes she has a soft spot for Janine, or very occasionally, June, but mostly she seems to just treat them as her troublesome pets. Like cattle--to the point of literally using a cattle prod on disobedient ones. A farmer can care about his cattle but it doesn’t make him not a farmer.

Hell, there’s that episode in S1 where Lydia is beating/electrocuting the shit out of June for talking back and Serena swoops in to stop the assault. (Her motives are shitty, and she snaps back to own horrid self not long after, but still...)

Yeah, considering they’re reworking S4 to be more in line with The Testaments is just... sad. Not that we didn’t see them attempting to woobiefy Lydia in S3 already, but I will guess S4 will see her suddenly and randomly taking Handmaids’ concerns seriously. HOW OOC IS THAT? Like, there’s been NO emotional journey for Lydia. It’s why her behaviour in 3x06 didn’t make sense to me. She goes from savagely assaulting Janine in 3x04 to “Oooh, June! This muzzle is so sad! Alexa, play Despacito!” I didn’t buy ANY of Lydia’s randomly swerving and flaky narrative in S3. I have no problem with her expressing her humanity and the audience seeing reasons to sympathize with her (like 2x08) but it was SO ALL OVER THE PLACE in S3 that I can only shudder and how they’re going to do S4. Especially using The Testaments as a roadmap... like suddenly Lydia is a resistance fighter?

Give me a fucking break.

And I think the problem I have with giving Lydia the so-called “redemption arc” on THT is that...

I don’t care.

Who really does?

Lydia is at best a secondary character who has had zero to little development. She’s literally had one (terrible) background episode that was shitty and full of sexist tropes, that only went to show what a snivelling, vengeful, crazy religious bigot she is--and that’s supposed to set her up for THT Redemption™? Suddenly she’s going to switch sides, just like that? Because White Saviour June has spoken to her? (Again, don’t get me started on the sheer idiocy of June (the woman (directly/indirectly) responsible for multiple women DYING in S3 alone) being touted as some precious saviour of women on Jesus-like levels.) Aunt Lydia is magically going to see the light of her wrongdoing?

PLEASE.

And meanwhile, they had a female character who is also a monster on about the same level--just in a different way, who is arguably a lead character and has had PLENTY of background and development, and even started--a few times--down a path that could slowly and ORGANICALLY lead her to remorse and change, and ultimately something vaguely like a redemption arc... but nope! LMAO. PSYCHE!!! Too easy, I guess? Too predictable?

Yes, because I watch THT to be shocked by the unpredictable... /sarcasm. C’mon.

Why bother giving Serena ANY sort of development just to do her so dirty like S3 did, and switch it up so she stays repulsive but AUNT LYDIA MAGICALLY and OUT OF NOWHERE suddenly changes all her long-held and incredibly cemented beliefs? Meanwhile we’ve seen Serena wavering in hers THE ENTIRE SERIES. We’ve seen her try to break the system, to fight against it. Weakly, and she’s a sissy, but hey, it’s SOMETHING. More than we ever saw with Lydia.

No, giving Janine a nicer eyepatch after YOU RIPPED HER EYEBALL OUT FOR TALKING BACK is NOT the same as Serena standing up in front of a council of men and reading in order to give all females the chance to read. Giving Janine a piece of cake for not making a scene at a gala is NOT the same as Serena giving “her” baby away to make sure she has a better life outside the hellscape that she knows is Gilead. What Aunt Lydia has done for “her girls” pales completely with what very little Serena has done for both June, Nichole, and women (/herself lol).

It’s like saying Fred deserves redemption because he let the Handmaids have devilled eggs in 3x04. Or gave June a photo of Hannah. (Which incidentally, Atwood wrote Serena giving that to June. So, let’s just keep taking things away from Serena, Miller. Good job.)

I just......

I...

No.

Aunt Lydia deserves a redemption arc as much as Fred Waterford does. But even Fred--yes, even Fred--has more substantial character development to sustain such a story, and a shift in his arc. Well, I should say nobody “deserves” a redemption arc. But rather, it makes SENSE for a particular character to experience one.

Honestly, I just don’t understand the flagrant Serena hate when people like Fred and Lydia exist. I don’t see why it makes more sense and is less offensive for either of those monsters to get this mythical redemption arc over Serena, the second most developed character in the entire series.

“We need a foil for June! We need her to have a villain to fight against!”

Yes, I agree, dipshit, it’s called Gilead. It’s called female oppression. It’s called the inherent rampant violent misogyny there, and even in “normal” society. It’s the stealing of children. It’s every man in any position of power. It’s religious and ideological extremism. It’s the commodification of women’s bodies as machines for baby-making and male sexual gratification. It’s the Sons of Jacob. It’s international governmental complacency. It’s war.

THERE ARE SO MANY EVIL, VILLAINOUS THINGS IN THT. Serena does personify some of these things, sure. So do ALL the other characters everyone is less upset about getting redemption arcs. But Serena doesn’t need to be the be-all of all these things. She doesn’t have to be the visceral manifestation of all those things forever.

Okay, I just have to stop here cos I can go on forever.

To me, it’s only makes narrative sense for Serena--and ONLY Serena--to get this highly-prized yet still completely imaginary THT Redemption Arc™. And that’s my controversial opinion lol.

#long post #Anonymous

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iknowthismuchistrue2017 · 7 years

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My FTM Detransition

This is the story of my own transition and detransition. This is my experience only. I’m not speaking for anyone else.

I’m in my midlife now, and up until about six months ago I knew I was trans. My top surgery and hysterectomy were done almost two decades ago. My name change was legal almost a decade ago.

I’ll start at the beginning. I was born in the sixties in a conservative town at a time when gender roles for men and women were extremely rigid. I know these roles are still rigid, but believe it or not they are less extreme than they were. Growing up it was apparent to me even as a child that I was less than just for being born female. Fathers were proud of their son’s in a way no one was of their daughter’s. When son’s were born it was celebrated, when daughter’s were born it was just another day. Additionally sons had power, they were allowed to be vocal and have opinions. Daughters were seen and not heard.

My mother wanted nothing more than a girl when she had me. She’s told me that by 3 years old she could no longer keep me in dresses, that she would put me in a dress and within minutes she would find me stripped down and dressing myself in my fathers clothing. This was the beginning of the clothing wars with my mother, and I give her a lot of credit for finally letting me win that war to a large extent. She did eventually allow me to wear t-shirts, jeans and sneakers most of the time, though I still had to wear dresses for holidays and events. Those days involved a lot of screaming fights and crying. I was not allowed to cut my hair short until high school, which was another battle and a huge relief when the day finally came.

My friends were all boys. I liked their toys, their games, and playing sports. I felt like one of them, but I couldn’t understand why I didn’t have a penis. So every night I would ask god to please let me wake up with a penis. I don’t recall how long I made this request, but I remember waking up disappointed for a significant period of time. I never had any interest in girls, their toys, or their games. And I found their conversations boring.

Over and over I heard the same things from the adults around me, even some I didn’t know:

“Girls don’t do that”

“Why are you wearing boys clothes?”

“Why are you wearing boys shoes?”

“You’re a girl you know”

And later, “Why do you have a boys haircut?”

Looking back I can see the beginnings of my internalized misogyny. And why would I want to be a girl? Girls didn’t get to wear comfortable clothing or shoes. Girls didn’t have any of the freedoms afforded boys. Boy Scouts went camping while Girl Scouts sold cookies and did what I considered to be boring, and in a skirt! A girl’s future involved getting married and having children, which I had no interest in. Girls didn’t grow up to have careers, they grew up to be housewives doing laundry and making meals and I had no interest in that either. There was no room for me in any of this, so from the beginning I was separating myself from girls and identifying with boys.

At 11 when I got my first period I honestly felt like my life was over. I became very distressed, and cried every month for years, begging my mother for a way to make it stop. My mother would try to comfort me telling me that this was something all girls/women went through, and that just made it worse for me. All I could think was that 12 times a year, for what seemed like the rest of my life I would be bleeding from my vagina. And while I never liked my vagina to begin with because I felt I should have a penis, I now despised it, and it was the start of intense dysphoria which would last for many years. To make things worse my breasts started noticeably developing quite suddenly and my mother decided it was time for me to wear bra’s. My periods were distressing but I would at least get a 3 week break from them. Bra’s were everyday. From the very beginning I felt encumbered bra’s. They felt like a harness around my body, and I longed for the freedom I had when my skin felt free under my t-shirts before I had breasts.

Once I started puberty I was around boys less because I was isolating, due largely to the distress of a changing body and the realization that I was trapped in a body that did not feel like mine and that I did not want. I was not comfortable in my own skin, and I had a lot of self-hatred because of my body.

I also discovered the love I had for women was here to stay. When I was younger I had crushes on girls, but I didn’t give them too much thought because my friends were boys who also had crushes on girls. The only talk of gay men, or lesbians (shims as they were called in my town) I ever heard growing up was mocking and negative, so I kept this secret to myself. In high school I was determined to make peace with my body and spent my junior year wearing make-up and dressing like a girl. I had no friends because I had already be judged a freak by my peers and I became more depressed than I already had been. In my senior year I went back to dressing in a way that felt right to me, back to men’s clothing, with big button shirts over t-shirts to hide my breasts. I had learned to wear sports bra’s in a smaller size to flatten myself.

After high school I went away to college in a major city and for whatever reason ended up quickly becoming friends with lesbians and the lesbian friendly women, without even being aware that this is who they were initially. Then for the first time I began dating woman. I enjoyed this new group of friends, and girlfriends too. I got a fake ID and began going to gay and lesbian bars and a new world was opening up to me. I had transformed into a butch lesbian and it felt like maybe I was coming into my own, sort of.

I did begin to notice not long after was that I still didn’t feel right in my own skin. I was with a group of friends I loved, and had a girlfriend that I loved and yet I didn’t feel a part-of within the lesbian community. I was with women, who were proud of being women. But my body still felt foreign to me. I still had dysphoria. I still felt distress with every single period I had, not only that my periods were heavy, and painful, and a full week long. And I still wore tight sports bra’s to hid my breasts.

It’s important to remember that this was the mid 80’s, long before the internet, and long before the word transexual was used to mean anything other than a pejorative. The only time I heard the word “trans” was in reference to transvestites and prostitutes at that time, and it was used in the most derogatory way.

After 4 years of college in a major city where being a butch lesbian was largely accepted (in the right parts of the city), I moved to another major city. This new city was a big wake up call for me because while there was a large lesbian community, it did not include butch lesbians. I had a buzz cut and wore jeans, t-shirts, Doc Marten’s, and a black leather motorcycle jacket and I was not welcome within this lesbian community. I’m sure somewhere in this new city there must have been butch lesbians, but with no internet I never found them. I tried for a couple of years to make friends within this group and no matter what I did I couldn’t make friends, and couldn’t find a girlfriend for quite a long time either.

I decided to throw myself into my work and became a workaholic. I worked long hours, and 95% of the people I worked with were straight. Once again I became more comfortable with the men I worked with, and generally talked only to the women I had crushes on, some of which I had relationships with. I still had dysphoria, still hated being in my body, and still did not identify with being female. I began distancing myself from being female even more, my internalized misogyny came crashing back, and I was incredibly depressed. Life went on like this for years.

Eventually the word trans became part of the vernacular, and when I was about 35 I had top surgery. This was one of the happiest days of my life. It was the beginning of a journey that was going to help make me comfortable in my own skin. Within a couple of years I had a hysterectomy. The hysterectomy was for medical reasons and not related to my being trans, but that was the other happiest day of my life. Now life was really looking hopeful for me. I still had some bottom dysphoria, but without breasts and periods my life instantly became easier to deal with. I very much wanted to start T, but at the time I had a great job in a somewhat conservative industry that I wasn’t willing to lose at that time. I had already been passing well enough to use men’s rooms and get called “sir” pretty consistently without T, provided I didn’t talk much. But I was leading a double life for years as a female at work and male outside of work, and I was getting tired of that.

In 2012 I started a low dose a T because I was still concerned about losing my job. When my voice started to change I decided to come out to my boss. I lost my job about a month later. A couple months after that I started getting a lot of cystic acne and I was seeing my dermatologist 2 to 3 times a week to have cysts drained. The longer I was on T the more acne I had, and I still was not at a full dose. Other than the severe cystic acne, the other changes I was getting were relatively minor as I already looked fairly male, though I did love the big energy bump I got from it. After another few months both my dermatologist and endocrinologist said as long as I continued taking T, I would continue to have cystic acne. Cystic acne had plagued me through my teenage years and there was no way I could live with it in my 40’s and beyond. I stopped T.

While it was incredibly disappointing at the time to have to stop T, at the same time I felt relief. I can’t exactly pinpoint why because I still didn’t feel or identify as female, but I wasn’t going to actually be 100 percent male even with T. Something didn’t feel right about it.

It’s been 5 years since I stopped taking T, and in most of that time I still considered myself trans until my thinking slowly started to shift without me being completely aware of it. The more I thought about what my identity is, the more I felt like I’m just me. Sure, I was born female, but I’m still just me, and that me is gender non-conforming. Then about 6 months ago I was on YouTube, and I discovered there were other people who had people who had transitioned, but had then detransitioned. And on Tumblr I found more people who had detransitioned. And none of us detransitioned for the same reasons, we are all unique.

And here’s something else, all my life I considered myself a feminist but I wasn’t, I was a misogynist for decades until the pieces started coming together. I was unknowingly lying every time I called myself a feminist. How could I distance myself from being female in every way possible and not be a misogynist?? Wouldn’t it make more sense to be a different kind of woman? I didn’t and don’t have to buy into this antiquated patriarchal system of what is male and female. For me, by transitioning I was buying into that system and I don’t want to perpetuate that rigid binary model. And more importantly, for me that is, is that had I understood at a young age that is was possible to be whatever kind of female/girl/woman, and that I didn’t have to follow the narrow path I was presented with. Maybe I could have been spared a lot of discomfort, anxiety and stress I felt about being born female. It’s not to say I still wouldn’t have been distressed over my breasts because I did feel entirely confined and trapped by bra’s. But it is hard to quantify whether my periods would have caused so much distress for decades because they were abnormally heavy from the start, and I had excruciating cramps from my first one until the last one. And by my mid 30’s before my hysterectomy I was having extremely painful periods twice a month. Just maybe if I had had a normal cycle I would have outgrown the distress, but I’ll never know. And as for my bottom dysphoria it’s possible that had I not felt so trapped by my gender, had I known there was more than one way to be female, had I had more access to sports and parents who wholeheartedly accepted me as different, maybe that would have eased that dysphoria.

This is what I’ve come to take away from my experience. Gender roles are bullshit. Yes I was born female, but I can be anyone I want to be. I don’t have to fit into any kind of rigid role I don’t want to. And I don’t have to take T to try to turn myself into something I will never be. I also don’t regret my top surgery, because who says I can’t modify my body in any way I want to. I can do whatever I want to my own body. And here’s something else that happened on it’s own, somewhere between the ages of 40 and 45 I woke up one day and realized I no longer had bottom dysphoria. I wasn’t working on it, and the only thing I can think of is I just didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care in the same way I don’t care how people read me. I know who I am, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

Maybe all of us who are AFAB could start to embrace our differences and build a better community for ourselves. If we work together and accept each other, we could begin to close the gap in the difference between the way men and women are treated in society. We could stand up for each other and not tolerate being “less than”, and we can demand the respect we deserve.

I’d like to add that I am NOT part of the right wing Christian movement. I am not a republican. I am not against people transitioning because we are free to do whatever we want with our own bodies. This post is my own experience and nothing more.

#detransition #gnc #detransitioning #lesbian

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