#and I feel like a total failure

[flower-biter]

really really feeling the grief of the unlived life tonight

#Some of my bffs from several years ago when I lived across the country reached out tonight for the first time in nearly a year #and I was already thinking about that time in my life and that friend group and how much I missed them #and then bam there they were on my phone #and now i’m crying #because I miss them so much #and that’s a time I can never go back to #and I’m not currently where i’d dreamed I would be by now #and I feel like a total failure #I thought I was leaving something good for something better #but the better never came #I left something good for something worse #I don’t regret a lot of things but I do regret that #but it’s too late now we’ve all scattered #and can’t go back to what we were #and I’m just #full of grief #and handling it badly #anyway #tmi probably

[probablyhuntersmom]

I've had to halt work in the meantime (not that I was earning nearly as much as I hoped..yay) coz the depression would technically count as severe now (I checked WebMD). It's scary that none of the other professionals trying to help me have made me feel better. Maybe this developing country just isn't ready to deal with AuDHD clients yet.

And I'm just not one of the lucky ones. It looks like most people are, but I am not. And this ain't the Boiling Isles.

Like, I took a risk to work as a mental health professional...however, I didn't find out that I was struggling with ADHD burnout and autistic burnout (like, 3 decades' worth of it without it being accommodated or treated..instead I was misdiagnosed or just viewed as having a bad attitude) until after I was licensed. That..has led to a whole host of problems.

It's been a gradual downhill slide since last November, I'm not sure if it's even getting better. Worst of all, I confess that my connection with blorbo Hunter has been fizzling out. It's caused me a ton of stress :S I hung on till 8th April to post my anniversary art, but I think I need to step back and just stick to FFXIV stuff until I start to connect with the blorbo again. Coz I feel that he and everyone else have run off ahead, while I'm trying not to be crushed by depression rubble and am trying to crawl and pull myself out. And other people don't know how to get me out. (Is this a Sword in the Stone type of situation where only I can pull myself out..? Sigh)

I'll do my best to hang on. Hell, I've chosen this year to visit online friends around the world since every other area has crashed and burned so far. I'll be able to make it till then, maybe I could find inspiration again.

For now FFXIV is my main lifeline..I should also start Dungeon Meshi and other stuff..and I really appreciate every word of encouragement people have sent me in the past months. Stay safe

#idk man. I need to get out of here (this country). I think it's going to kill me if I don't #moving to this apartment bought me time to try and plan that ig #the disability employment services here are as good as non-existent #feeling like a total failure. capitalism and expectations are threatening to destroy me #yes I can make screenshots but I'm not making $ from them or getting any less rejected IRL #loz says stuff

[birdsribcage]

Tw: ed @na

I'm at a point that if I eat as much as I normally did my stomach hurts a lot and I love that

#birdie's chestbox #couldn't handle had to purge and i feel like a failure #im totally pro recovery tho #just not mine :p #⭐️ve #⭐️rving #i wanna ⭐️ve #tw ed but not sheeran #an@rexi@ #@n@ diary #@na rules #@na vent #@na motivation #@n@ buddy #@n@ trigger #@nor3×14 #@n@ diet #tw purge #purg1ng

[inklessletter]

Just been to X, made an account and everything, followed some blogs, put a profile picture, been thinking for months to join in there.

It's absolutely fucking terrifying and demoralising.

#inklessletter #i just know it is not a nice place to be #it was just an hour and it feels hostile and I really haven't posted anything but already feel like a total failure

[jackienautism]

trying so hard to cope rn🙏

#mine #text #my thoughts #vents #do you ever just #do you #do you ever . just . #d. do you #do youuuu #yeah #do you ever feel like you could totally erase yourself from a (social) situation and literally nothing would change? #that your presence wouldn’t even be missed? that no one would know that you were gone? #i’m just ……… #idk man #not feeling it rn LOL #i just want to go home #i feel like so shit having to be on my phone rn but it’s just #idk #these get togethers alwyas remind me of how socially inept i am and how much of a failure i am #like yeah who the fuck cares abt the person who doesn’t go to school doesn’t drive doesn’t have anything going for them #man. whatever #i hate it #i love being here but these gatherings take a wicked toll on me #it just reminds me of terrible i am at interaction and handling group settings #of how* #i just want to me w/ my brother and mom is that too much to ask #i’m uncomfortable and not my ‘true’ self in every other situation #tired!!!!!

[aeide-thea]

my possibly-unpopular-these-days fic opinion is that i think there should be more fic where the characters are exploring queerness for the first time, instead of being old hands at it and uncertain of nothing but whether a particular partner reciprocates their desire

also like. to be clear, while there are a lot of reasons one might want to see that represented: specifically i want to see it because i think it's sexy :)

#also yes probably the thing to do would be to go back and read older fic #like‚ iirc there was a ton of eg professionals fic in this vein #but often those were stories about having to overcome an enormous amount of internalized homophobia #and while there's absolutely nothing wrong with that‚ it's hard for me personally to relate to #or at least—i can't relate to the kind of internalized homophobia that's about actively thinking it's Bad to be queer & agonizing abt it #my personal experience was (probably still is in some ways!) about‚ like‚ total failure to *recognize* my own feelings #so i'm thirsty for stories that are like. oh THAT's what i'm feeling. late-in-life firsts. #candlestick silhouette suddenly perceptible as two faces kissing-close. etc. #anyway. just a little monday evening introspection or whatever :) #fannish things #the psyche

[osamid]

an interesting (unpopular? i think?) soukoku opinion i have is i don't think dazai was oblivious to his feelings towards chuuya, like ever. i understand WHY people interpret dazai as having trouble identifying and reckoning with his emotions; i'm not knocking it! there's plenty of evidence to suggest that and also i think it fits with his actions. HOWEVER. for me dazai is the most fun when he's deliberately suppressing and neglecting his own feelings. dazai realizes at the tender age of like 15 that he's at least infatuated with chuuya, and his first instinct is "well how do i compartmentalize that. how do i make sure this doesn't interfere with my plans and our job at the mafia." and then he compromises with his emotions by keeping chuuya close but not allowing himself to seem too affectionate or "trick" chuuya into liking him back. i think this version of dazai is most compelling to me because then the struggle isn't "get blockhead dazai to realize he's in/can love" its "get blockhead dazai to realize he's allowed to indulge in love" which is much more fun, especially when you have seven (or even more, i don't think this mindset would be limited to chuuya) years worth of distancing himself from his own emotions to contend with.

#putting the more negative parts in the tags i think another reason i'm not partial to the “dazai is oblivious to his own feelings” headcanon #is that it sorta implies that dazai isn't self-aware? #which like. he clearly is. i think moments when we (the veiwer) think he isn't self aware is the result of the MEDIA not being self-aware #<- talking about his treatment of akutagawa and other such failures. “don't pity yourself” moment. the whole father thing. #dazai doesn't acknowledge these flaws because the source material doesn't think its a flaw either #but i digress. my point here is that i personally think dazai is so painfully self-aware that it turns into over-rationalizing himself #dazai's emotions to him are just as irrelevant as his physical needs and such like that. #does this make sense? idk #example i'll give: his character growth as he trusts the ada and works less utterly on his own mind #i think dazai is capable of seeing his own trust issues and what not from the very beginning #but it's only after it's been proved to him that him that no total control isn't the most logical option #and in fact trusting his allies CAN work out without pulling every string #that dazai beings to take down (a few) of his walls #its not that dazai doesn't know he has feelings. its that they aren't relevant to him #they cause him grief #fuck up his plans #and (to him) need to be squared away and dismissed as soon as possible #i know that isn't in line with the no longer human novel but WHATEVS #my hcs #bsd #skk #bsd dazai

[grizzlyofthesea]

I DID IT!!!

I passed my final with a good enough score to pass the class!

Now Mittens Fluff 'n' Stuff is on the way. I made a deal with myself, I get to fulfill it. -w-

Pix E. will be happy to see one of her friends. :)

#i did it #i did a thing #treat yourself #lalaloopsy girls #mittens fluff n stuff #lalaloopsy #i'm so freaking happy #you have no idea how much was on the line with this exam #like #holy crap #i might actually graduate on time #for once i don't feel like a total failure of a physics major

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

#so the hospital group that diagnosed my stroke as an anxiety attack&let me sit in their er for roughly five hours is in the news #bc body cam footage came out showing them having called the police on a patient who was 'refusing to leave' #despite the fact that he 'had no medical reason for being there'. #he had ODd&they had given in narcan. he was also homeless. so all the actual rules about watching a patient post resus #went out the window in favor of calling police&being incredibly cruel about it. #the man died at the police station. where they took him bc they looked him up&he had bench warrants. #they couldn't process him bc he was totally unresponsive. they tried tho. best believe they tried. #&when they had to explain why they were didnt try to get him medical help they released the body cam footage. #prob the only time they didnt throw tantrums over it too seeing as it successfully shifted the blame. #the hospital has had to apologize publically for the 'failure' on their part. #i cant even put my feelings into words. #ive said it once ill say it every fucking time learning medicine was not&is not hard. its not worthy of special note. #its something you do bc you care. &if thats not the case i hope you die of the medical neglect you would force onto those #who come to you for fucking help. #pathetic. absolutely fucking pathetic. #i might not ever be able to work in traditional medicine but w stories like these why the fuck would i ever want to? #why would i ever want to be associated w willful fucking murderers? bc thats what medical neglect from a medical pro at their work is. #fucking murder.

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

.

#my coworker now has tickets for three taylor dates and we have zero. i never even had codes so i'm totally useless #i'm so sad now. :( feel like a failure #taylor swift #i just wanna see her live after all these years. but ig the whole world feels like that

[ouchhq]

yesterday i posted my latest illustration on ig and also on my stories and last night my ex professor from art school replied to my story with “bravissima” and i started crying like an idiot. because i feel so insecure and incompetent and i feel like im losing any artistic skill i ever learned and just like the biggest Failure, truly with a capital f. his comment didnt change the way i feel about all these things but for a second it felt like a pat on the back, like maybe im not doing everything completely wrong

#still feel like a total failure though #i really dont know what to do with myself

[brontes]

having a rough night of it. had a rough day of it. need to communicate but also don’t want to talk to anyone. wearing dangerously thin emotionally and too tired to fight it

#personal #I just….baby Jane is still too small. #I have to tell work that I’ll have to have two dr appts per week moving forward #work is swamped and I’m hurting #and I know it’s not my fault and there’s nothing I can do but #every time I have to update everyone on her growth I feel like I’m admitting failure as a mother #again and again and again ongoing #I break down in the dr office and drive home in silence to then cry to my husband #and I cry on the phone with my mom and I cry at church #and I’m just so worn out #and everything could be and is probably totally fine! #but somehow that doesn’t stop the feeling that I’m failing her

[natasha-in-space]

The next time someone is going to tell me that my twenties are supposed to be the best time in my life and that I shouldn't waste them, I will simultaneously explode actually.

#mia babbles #i had to survive a talk with a relative #i hate you external pressure to achieve certain goals by a certain age #i hate you external expectation to be happy regardless of your circumstances #i hate you the feeling of being a failure by not enjoying your youth the same way everyone else does #like yeah thanks for telling me all the things i am struggling with already #real motivating #i totally do not feel like a complete failure :) #ugh #the way i am totally okay and happy with myself until i am forced to interact with my relatives says a lot #also apparently hitting 30 is considered old now so #that was fun to hear #if only i could retire by the time i hit 30 😔😔😔

[soldier--poet--queen]

what came first, the body dysphoria flare up or the internet deciding now was a fantastsic time to show me transmasc content

#rin rambles #tw i get real heavy in the tags #SLAMMING. MY. HEAD. #HHHRGHHGHHH I GET SO ANGRY AT MYSELF #WHICH I KNOW IS STUPID AND POINTLESS BUT ARGH #every time i like. even have the twinge of these emotions. my brain is like ah. #so you're a failure? you're a fucking disappointment? man. sucks to be you. you should do something about that dysphoria. OH RIGHT. #and then i cry a little in Adoration it's okay #it doesn't feel okay. but like. ah. #i just feel like a disappointment to God. like He gave me this body and i hate it. and i hate that i hate it. #idk i just feel like i'm in so much pain. and then i try to talk with other Catholics about it and i'm seen as a wounded animal. or inhuman. #and they're like 'your dysphoria isn't causing you the anguish it's something else' LIKE IT CAN BE BOTH? #is it so bad to say that YES i am sad that i can't transition? that this causes me grief? but i follow Christ because ultimately He is worth #that pain and suffering? #is it bad to say that love is a sacrifice? and that the whole point of sacrifice is that it hurts? #where was that one post about the ai generated Bible verse. bc it wasn't /totally/ theologically correct but ough. #it made me feel things. i know God sees me and loves me. despite everything. there is love

[aeide-thea]

i do wish, like, literally anyone i knew were even a little bit hesitant or skeptical about the institution of marriage where i could hear them

like—i accept that presumably the thing can be done in a more radically ~examined~ way or whatever; but how does that happen if no one ever actually, you know, examines it through a lens that’s anything but rose-colored? or at least, not out loud where some actual collective discussion and theorizing could happen?

and also i just, as always, think there’s value in voicing a variety of visions for how to live, because i think a worldmodel in which there’s a default goal, and then a stigmatized alternative for those who can’t or won’t meet it, is in fact worse for everyone, even the normie or normie-passing, than a worldmodel in which that false, stifling binary gets expanded back out into a full range of free, deliberate, joyous choice, and the original default becomes just one of many, equal, gorgeous possibilities…

#like it’s hard to talk abt this bc people feel really protective and defensive of it #which i get! it’s near and dear to people’s hearts! #but it really makes me feel like an alienated freak even among alienated freaks #and there’s literally no one i can talk to about it #so it just feels like. i’m failing at this thing and failing to feel the right way abt this thing and it’s just like #increasingly a locus of resentment and bafflement and alienation and shame and silencing and deep unhappiness #anyway yes i guess i AM saying i want antimarriage Representation #hideous but there you have it! #like ultimately yes you have to just be fine with being a freak and a failure and whatever else #but like. honestly we all need some like-minded people #existing in total isolation is. really brutal actually. #so i guess i AM actually still on the side of more ~normalization~ despite all the backlash against that lately #like i’m SURE there’s been discussion of this by eg aros #but like. i don’t want to have to go read up by myself. i want there somehow to be room in my existing circles for questioning.

[ptsd-tiger]

isn't it amazing how every single attempt to try and fix myself comes immediately crashing down on me because tiger always resurfaces. really funny joke, it is.

#almost like theres nothing i can do to rid myself of past abuse #i get too scared #i back out or lash out #and thats where it ends #back to square one of being a total failure #so. tiger is an OSDD type 1a alter. she holds trauma and believes everything is horrible and can only be settled with fights #all of those feelings of course are far more indepth than just that ofc. but if it's not obvious. that's where all the posts here come from #tiger is me. yet at the same time. is not the me everyone else sees. not even close. does that make sense? #people leave when tiger arises. so tiger stays here. #yet in the end she always finds a way to break her cage and scare everyone away. be it friend. acquaintance. professional. family. therapy. #this is not 'cheetah' by the way. 'cheetah is a type 1b alter. her name isnt actually cheetah but yknow. its a coverup to fit big cats them #those are the only alters i have. had you ever talked to the 'host' you'd never be able to tell it was me. #and thats why shit sucks ass