#and I’m writing my creative writing dissertation on someone else entirely

[stardstgf]

been looking at old character studies of old characters that I wrote and I miss. real ones remember kaeira🫡 been thinking abt her a lot today.

#when I was 13 I came up with her and she has grown with me over the last 8 years #she is my Roman Empire lol #and it’s just funny because. I have taken very real steps towards my dream of being published this year with a whole set of different #characters and diffefent stories #and I’m writing my creative writing dissertation on someone else entirely #but I think abt her a lot and how much I loved the first characters I ever wrote about when I was fucking miserable at 15 yk #come a long way since then but kaeira u will always be famous 🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡 #maybe one day I will rework heart of night #finish writing it #and just publish that instead xxxx #heart of night tag

[phoebehalliwell]

how would you rank the seasons from least to most favourite?

alright okay right off the bat worst season season 7. for starters i think this season has no staying power i mean like since i’ve been running this blog 4 so long now my knowledge of charmed is encyclopedic and insanely vast more than like it ever need be but for the longest time. i could not remember season 7. like wtf even happened there?? evidently leo became human??? cole returned? the avatars??? like all of it was just. it’s not even necessarily forgettable it’s just i straight up could not remember it for the longest time. and i’ve said it before the concept of utopia was way to advanced for a show like charmed to tackle i am not watching charmed for moral philosophy i am watching bc i love these girls ♥ hee hee hoo hoo magic adventure ✨ tho if i am to offer a single comment on utopia: it’s awfully rich for a show to go on about destiny and fate and then take a stand against utopia in the name of free will. but w/e. i don’t like leo in the avatars i don’t like his dynamic with piper in this season i don’t like whatever phoebe’s doing this season there’s like leslie?? maybe there’s someone else? boring & flavorless they should have been setting up her endgame instead of puttering around. and kyle. zoo wee mama. could have been a great antihero. morally gray. duplicitous. self serving. but no. they gave him all those traits and called him hero/love interest. s7 left a lot to be desired out of the characters and their relationships also gave us phat L’s such as the charmed ones are werewolves don’t worry about it and feminism peaked with naked women. shout out to zankou: demon, dilf, dub & the noir episode.

you know what? fuck it i’ll say it second worse season 5 genuinely fuck season five. this is probably a Very Specific beef 2 me But. i hate what they did to the charmed universe. this was the season that marked the transition of charmed from supernatural drama to campy soap which like. i love camp! i do! but fr. fuck this season and what it did to the worldbuilding. the early season have Such A Vibe to them man with warlocks and witches and just a couple niche monsters from assorted lore that the show took and made their own. season five opens with mermaids goes directly into fairytales then gives us superheros whatever the fuck was going on in that mummy episode the sandman leprechauns and nymphs. and i hate it for that. it takes away from this urban fantasy things that go bump in the night what lurks in the shadows of the back alleys of san francisco in favor of the ugliest cinderella dress ever put to television and an onslaught of horrible irish accents for a full episode. other issues with season five: cole’s still here? why? they don’t know and neither will you! we’re not redeeming him! phoebe’s not getting back together with him! yes he died we just refuse to let him go! the cherry on top of course being a cole-centric 100th episode. shout out to. hmm. lemme think about what i actually liked about this season. i like jason dean as a love interest i don’t remember what he did in s5 but i know he was there. the season finale i’ve talked about how stupid & shitty it was but idc i still love that episode and then shout out to bacarra the only original villain this season that was a proper serve. the crone gets second place.

next on this come on we all saw it coming season 8. it’s a bad season! and i get bts there was a whole lot happening budget cuts missing actor etc. but it goes beyond that. it was a bad season. billie and christie were bad. and i’ve said this before but billie in herself is not an inherently bad character. she was just the literal worst for the show. she was a dollar store buffy blonde confident cocky skilled and ready 2 fight evil But. we are not following her like we followed buffy we are following her mentors. it’s like if we had a show called giles that aired for seven seasons And Then buffy showed up. billie was insanely irritating to watch from our perspective and in general wasn’t like. well written. attempts to humanize her / give her more depth often fell flat. and then christy. oh nelly. oh my god. barely a character. not well acted but hey it would have been a miracle if she was. negatives include dumain who was a mess omg bringing back the triad bringing back the source billie & christy obvi and also involving homeland security. which is season 7′s fault which is why it’s the worst. dubs on the other hand include both coop and henry i really liked them the shoehorned love interests weren’t great but i like their characters i though the way the got rid of leo to save on the budget was really creative and gave us a great piper episode and of course the sugary sweet finale i love it i do what can i say.

yet another controversial choice aptly coming in fourth is season 4. i respect what season 4 set out to do. i think it was a good idea. long form narratives, keeping a darker tone, focusing on character-driven drama and growth. too bad it fucking failed miserably at all of this. cole as the source and phoebe as the queen of hell was just so so botched. they had a very unique opportunity following the death of prue to explore these characters and what it means to them to be charmed, to be witches. they saved the world but the cost is insanely high. they’ve lost an older sister. they’ve gained a new sister. how do you even begin to cope with all this? episodes such as hell hath no fury and brain drain fuck so hard because they work with exactly that. had the whole season been like those episode season four would sit at number one with flying colors absolutely no competition. but alas. we can’t have nice things. the show got so bogged down with phoebe & cole, in a way that was just so, so messy. for starters, whether you loved cole or hated him before, we can all agree source!cole sucked. he was such a strong 180 from what we had seen that the show had to make the source some type of possession to justify half the shit they were trying to pull. and then to pit phoebe and paige against one another over a man was just. disgusting. and the ending of course felt rushed because it was! they wrapped up that entire issue in a nice little bow much faster than they reasonably should have been able to. it could have been a great season. it was definitely not. shout out to the seer an iconic mastermind on barbas levels, as previously stated brain drain and hell hath no fury Specific shout out to piper’s scene at prue’s grave shout out to paige as a character i like what they did with her and um. yeah that’s it.

okay we’re exiting the shit tier in favorite of the good tier welcome to the upper half. kicking us off is season 6. season 6 did what season 4 could not in that it gave us a long form plot that still left plenty of room for like. normal demon of the week episodes. i love phoebe early in this season with her faboo haircut her brand new empathy power and her relationship with jason dean. obvious strikes against for whatever the fuck that baby crazy stint was and also the mata hari episode. yikes. i love paige’s hair color in this season nothing paige as a character necessarily stands out to me however i like how they seem to have hit the blend of work-magic with paige where she wants a life and career outside of magic however she still loves the craft and embraces is with an open heart and mind. season six also gives us chris who was a very fun male lead imo we really didn’t have many like him he’s bitchy. he whines and bitches a lot he’s got an agenda he’s a bit secretive but at the end of the day he just wants a family i like him. i like the character growth we see out of piper i like seeing her try to move on from leo i love seeing her get back together with leo i like her dynamic with chris and her fears about motherhood. i also liked richard but that one takes a lot of justification. L’s are witchstock hyde school reunion used karma off the top of my head also the paige/richard/addiction plotline was so tone deaf. also the girls were mean to darryl : ( he deserved so much better. dubs were chris as a character, tbh the episode little monsters, phoebe with empathy specifically saying i love you too to jason i could write a dissertation on that line alone also the courtship of wyatt’s father and i thought the reveals of evil wyatt and chris being piper and leo’s son were both fun and interesting plot twists.

coming in third is actually season 2 a season i really do love it’s just. it lacks structure. imo there is a lot to love about season 2 morality bites and pardon my past are both delightful time travel episodes we get jack sheridan and bane jessup two of my personal favorite prue love interests we get p3 h2o and a great prue plotline regarding the death of patty we get the super cute cupid episode it’s a great. collection of episodes. it’s not a great season. there’s just imo not a strong enough thread connecting the stories together it’s mainly held together by having the same characters in it over and over again i really liked dan personally but like. i knew we were wasting time there. he was just an obstacle. a super cute loving and caring obstacle who’s great with kids but lbr piper and leo were always endgame. wasting our time on dan was stupid. i do love the sister dynamics in season two “gotta hand it to those pesky little demons they sure have brought us closer together” but again. this season could have benefitted from a rex and hannah type or even like a cole or zankou. this season is less of a season and more of just like a handful of episodes, and while there are some fat dubs, there are also some definite swings & misses. shout out to the time travel episodes the prue centric episodes phoebe’s character growth and maturity throughout this season (e.g. her going back to college) and i also think the fashion got a lot more fun this season.

second place i’m saying season one season one was a really strong start and gave us these really compelling characters with interesting relationships between one another But. a lot of it just kinda falls flat. and credit where credit is due it was a brand new show getting its feet under it but the fourth sister feats of clay which prue is it anyway they just simply aren’t dubs imo. also i don’t like that 70′s episode bc again i am an asshole concerned about The Lore i can’t believe one bitch ass warlock caused the Charmed Ones to grow up without powers. it just really bugs me. all in all the plots as a whole like aren’t great imo they’re nothing to write home about (save for from fear to eternity) it’s really the characters that make this season so goddamn good.

first place congratulations to the one the only season three. this is just because it kinda hits all my requirements in that it has some banger one offs (e.g. all halliwell’s eve, the good, the bad, and the cursed) it has an overarching plot at the exact same time as the source becomes more prominent and obvi cole is also there with murderous intent i like the character growth we see especially from prue i like piper and leo finally get married overall i really like the aesthetic of this season that blends a darker urban fantasy tone with still some charmed fashion and whimsy. strikes against tbh phoebe and cole’s relationship i am insanely picky with my enemies to lovers and the do not come remotely close to cutting the mustard in fact they are almost immediately disqualified however from afar i can see and respect The Drama. shout out to recasting victor prue with pistols death as a character and shannen directing episodes

#and of course this is a matter of opinion i'm not expecting everyone to agree w me Howver #i think you'd also be hard pressed to talk me out of my opinion #like the closer you get to the top there's more wiggle room like what's the best season i think changes with the wind #but the shit tier stays shit tier in my mind it's a matter of personal preference and i personally prefer my season to be good #charmed #💌

[doyouever-daydream]

I’m every woman.

A/N So today is the International Women’s Day and I felt inspired to write something, I tried to incorporate as many women that appeared on Criminal Minds but failed to include them all. I’m going to start writing reader insert imagines for my CM Bingo prompts so SSA y/n y/l makes her first appearance here. 

Today I’ll be attending my first Women’s March so that obvioulsy inspired this imagine, if any of you are going to the Women’s March please be safe and thank you for taking the streets and suppporting the cause (the current situation in my country is pretty fucked up so this year is even more important to me to try and do anything I can so women can have the same rights as any human being)

English is not my first language and although I love writing and spent most of my teenage years writing fanfiction, everything I wrote was in Spanish so it took me years to finally decide to post my writing in another language, I’m still super insecure but I want to share it so, apologies for any mistakes (also it is currently 3:00 AM so I am practically writing with my eyes closed), I believe it is important for women to speak up and take actions so they can be heard and there are equal rights so that’s how this imagine was inspired. Also these female characters have inspired me as a woman so I hope you can enjoy this! 

Warnings: I mean I don’t think this qualifies as warning but talks of feminism

Word count: 2201

“I’m every woman, it’s all in me, anything you want done baby, I’ll do it naturally.”

It was a Saturday night and Chaka Khan’s song played in the background at Penelope’s and Luke’s apartment, it was a special girl’s night, all of them, even Kristy was there while Matt and Luke baby sat the kids.

“Wine and sign making? This is my kind of girl’s night!” Garcia was ecstatic that all of them were going to the Women’s March.

“I know! Although I’m not sure I’m creative enough to do this” JJ stared at her blank poster.

“Come on, JJ, you can do this! Put feminist AF” Emily was already a little tipsy and was clueless as to what her sign would say but she was excited.

“Actually yeah, I think something like that will be fine, what about you, Tara?” JJ looked at Tara who looked as if she was struggling to decide.

“I don’t know, there’s so much I would like to say but unfortunately I can’t write an entire sermon”

“Same, girl, I’m so torn up, not only about what to write but how to decorate, Garcia here has like a million of art supplies we could use, I’m about to turn up a 9 year old and put glitter on all of your signs.” y/n grabbed one of Garcia’s boxes an eyed the glitter selection her dear friend pulled out.

“YES! Glitter and colors and stickers and ugh, I love you y/n, let’s throw biodegradable glitter as a protest!” Penelope hugged y/n while the rest of the gang decided what to put.

“I’ll need your help with Chloe’s and Lily’s signs! So Penelope and y/n, unleash all of your creativity on her signs” y/n smirked.

“I already know what I’ll write for one of them, tell me what you think, girls just wanna have fun” She paused “…damental human rights”

“I HATE YOU, you should’ve told me to put that” JJ teased.

“I’ll be honest and say that I saw it on instagram but thought it would be cute to put it on one of the girl’s sign.” y/n confessed while she started drawing on her poster.

“She’s drawing already, man, I wish I was as artsy as you are” Tara tried to see what she was drawing but couldn’t make a figure just yet.

“Oh, oh, OH, I got it, y/n will not be the only one using music” JJ started writing on her poster “Check this out” She lifted up her poster that read ‘ok, ladies, now let’s get in formation’.

“I still think you should add my idea” Emily laid comfortably in Penelope’s couch while seeing her friends work on her signs and siping on her glass of wine. “We should’ve brought donuts”

“Oh, I can call someone to pick up some” Penelope already had her phone and was, apparently, sending a text.

“Who else is coming? I thought it was only us?” y/n asked while she kept drawing.

“I invited an old friend but she only just told me she could make it” Now everyone was eyeing Garcia while she smiled proudly.

“Who? Linda Barnes?” Emily’s sarcasm had everyone laughing.

“Nope, but it’s a surprise, let’s continue please.”

“You know what? I already know what I’m gonna put on mine, back when I worked in San Francisco, I had this really annoying co worker, whose name I can’t remember but he was a pain in the ass that constantly went around joking with everyone in the office about how I had the biggest case of resting bitch face, not only did I have to endure that but also his misogynistic jokes” When Tara finished writing on her poster she showed it to her friends.

Resisting

Bitch

Face.

“I’m gonna decorate the shit out of it now” She proceeded to grab cut outs from magazines that Garcia had.

“I love it Tara, and I love being here with you, thanks for counting me in Penelope” Kristy was happy to hang out with these women that she considered her friends.

“Nonsense, you’re part of the girl power gang, we’re family, now, what do you think about my progress?” Everyone turned to see Garcia’s sign, it read: destroy the patriarchy, not the planet.

“Penelope Grace Garcia, you are perfect” y/n stated and everyone agreed with her.

“It’s totally you.”

“Ah, see? Baby girl is a great feminist and ambientalist” Penelope smiled proudly while she painted flowers.

“You know? I’m inspired, I’m gonna start working on that sign, that is until the donuts arrive” Emily sat straight while she put the glass on Garcia’s coffee table and then went to get her poster.

“I finished mine” Kristy said proudly while she held her sign up: ‘women belong in all places where decisions are being made’

“You are a genius, woman” JJ was in awe of all her friends.

“I love it, Kristy” y/n finally speaked up after being very focused designing her sign “I know I’ve told you this many times but growing up I was a tomboy, I loved playing in the dirt, climbing trees, playing I was a spy, I had bunch of guy friends, I loved, I still love baseball with my life, and other sports, I truly believe ‘all clothes are unisex if you stop being a little bitch about it’ and because of that I’ve had to put up with a million comments about how ‘weird’ I am because despite all of that I also like wearing makeup and other ‘feminine stuff’, I grew up being an ‘enigma’ to some people because I like boy stuff and girls stuff and I always hated when they told me bullshit like that, I always refused to accept there were stuff for girls and boys, now after giving you this lecture as if I was presenting my dissertation, look at my sign”

I eat gender norms for breakfast

y/n accompanied the quote with a drawing of a cereal box adorned with blue and pink glitter.

“SLAY” Emily cheered. “I feel you, y/n, I grew up speaking my mind and sometimes that wasn’t well received because I wasn’t a man, it drove me insane, it still does, as much as the brass wants to believe they are ok with having women in charge, they’re not completely convinced, you know?”

“You are a total boss bitch, and we love you” Tara commented while she raised her glass.

“Yes, Emily Prentiss, one day you’ll be THE boss bitch of the FBI, I know it” y/n added as the doorbell rang.

“Ooh, my surprise for you is here” Penelope hurried to the door and when she opened it she shrieked in delight when she saw Alex Blake standing there.

“Hello ladies” She entered the apartment and went to say hi to everyone, introducing Kristy to their former teammate, since she was the only one that did not know her, Prentiss had met her before and y/n was also familiar with her as they’ve worked together when y/n worked for the Crisis Negotiation Unit.

“It’s so nice to see you, Alex, how you’ve been?” JJ asked while offering her a glass of wine.

“Great, I am back teaching at Georgetown, James is also teaching there and we’re very happy to be back from Massachusetts”

After catching up with Alex’s life and the rest of them trying to sum up everything the BAU had been through during her absence time flew by quickly.

“I can’t believe you didn’t joined the BAU when I was there, it would’ve been incredible to work with you Tara, you as well, y/n” She smiled fondly at the two women she had known for the longest time out of the rest.

“It’s known to everyone that has worked with me that I learned so much from the both of you, I can’t believe that now you are my friends and here we are, making signs for the Women’s March”

“Hearing you talk about working together at the BAU almost makes me want to join you, girls” Kristy joked “If only the cases you worked weren’t so dark” They all laughed.

“There have been incredible ladies in that unit” y/n admired the women that had been before.

“I remember when Elle Greenaway joined the BAU boys club and I wasn’t so lonely during our cases anymore”

“I miss Elle so much” Garcia sighed while she reminisced on her friend that grew apart from them.

“I never got to work with her during her time in the Bureau but I heard she was a badass” y/n said wondering what had happened to her.

“She was” JJ added.

“Talking about awesome BAU ladies, the other day I saw Jordan, remember her?” Emily looked at Penelope and JJ.

“No way! I haven’t seen her since she came to our rescue when I was on maternity leave”

“I’ve seen her a couple times, she’s worked her way up, I think she’s also unit chief but I can’t remember which unit, she also has an adorable son, once we bumped into each other and showed me some pictures”

“Ashley Seaver also worked briefly with the BAU, didn’t she?” y/n asked.

“Oh yeah, Seaver! She was nice” Emily said.

“Reid had a crush on her” And as soon as those words came out of Penelope’s mouth she regretted them, she didn’t want to make y/n uncomfortable, not that y/n and Reid were anything but Garcia knew they were pining for each other but were too stubborn to act on their feelings.

“I know her, we’re not friends friends but I like her very much, we have some mutual friends, she’s married now, still working for the FBI at a field office” y/n said making a mental note to call her soon.

“Isn’t it amazing knowing how many women are kicking ass in their jobs and making our country a better place?” Kristy said.

“You’re a part of that change Kristy, you should’ve worked at the FBI”

“Oh no, just one FBI agent is enough in our family but thank you for the trust, now I need ideas for the girls signs, y/n has already helped me with one but I still have one to go”

“What about fight like a girl? Matt has told me how much Lily loves Taekwondo” JJ suggested.

“Actually that’s perfect” Kristy went to write that on the poster her little girl would be holding during the march.

“You know, tomorrow Lily and Chloe will not be alone, Kate is bringing Kelly along with her and Meg.”

“I wished she was here” JJ really wanted to see Kate, it had been a while since she had seen her.

“She had to cancel last minute, poor Kelly has a stomach bug” Penelope lamented their friend couldn’t joined them.

“Alex, do you know what you’re putting on your sign?” Tara questioned.

“Actually yeah, I’ve thought about it all the way here, let me get on with it so we can help you clean and then we continue talking?”

They all agreed and went to finish their signs, after a half an hour later they were all done.

It’s time to ovary-act.

“I’m telling you I live surrounded by incredible women, ugh, I love all of you, mis mujeres” Penelope had learned a few Spanish from Luke.

“I couldn’t resist a little wordplay, after all I’m a linguist” Alex was proud of her idea as the others reassured her it was witty.

“You know what? I’m not that drunk that I actually thought deeply about mine, but I finally got it, and while I’m not that drunk I’m drunk enough to make a speech so prepare” She stood up straight while everyone turned to see her “All my life, no matter where I lived, men have tried to intimidate me just because I am a woman and I’ve always fought against those dicks that try to tell me what I can and can’t do, even when it came to my own fucking body, they felt entitled to give their opinion, it’s time we show them and our next generations that we will not accept being silenced, we have the right to speak and be heard and we’ll rule the world, mes amis.” She jokingly raised her glass while y/n grabbed Prentiss sign so she could show it to the rest of their friends.

Vulva la résistance

The rest of the girls cheered on Emily, they were now standing beside each other, with their arms resting on their friends shoulders.

JJ and Penelope went back as far as 15 years, 14 with Emily and y/n, apart from Tara and Alex, had only met these incredible women a little over a year but she was amazed by the amount of courage they had, she felt extremely lucky to be surrounded by women that did it all. Absolutely all.

Truth was being a woman in the FBI, hell, being a woman anywhere wasn’t always easy, but having a support network like the one they had created made life a little easier, knowing if anything happened all they had to do was look beside them and there would be another woman lending a helping hand.

#criminal minds #penelope garcia #jennifer jj jareau #elle greenaway #emily prentiss #alex blake #kate callahan #tara lewis #jordan todd #kristy simmons #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds fanfiction #reader insert

[lokilaufeys]

i was tagged by @javier-pena (thank you astrid <3) to answer some about me style questions! here we go boyos

named after anyone? no one in particular, i think all my parents ever told me was that there was a character named chloe in some old show they used to watch and that’s where they got the idea from (my middle name is elizabeth though which i would much prefer smh)

last time you cried? last friday...razor crest, grogu, need i say more?

do you have any kids? nope! not for a long time, if at all unless it’s grogu because i swear to god i had never felt maternal instinct before i saw that green gremlin

use sarcasm a lot? yep, sometimes to a fault i think lol

what’s the first thing you notice about people? i’m not really sure but probably how they’re dressed? that’s incredibly shallow but i feel like you can get the vibe of someone from their sense of style

eye color? kinda washed out blue that’s a little more green towards the pupil. yes i did just get up and shine my phone torch over my eyes to assess the colour and what about it

scary movies or happy endings? scary movies all the way, i’m slowly building up my tolerance for horror

any special talent? i think i’m good at writing essays i got a first in my dissertation this year no big deal  and i’m semi decent at drawing/painting

what country were you born in? england 

hobbies? sketching, video games, writing two chapters of a fanfic then acting out the rest of it in my head every time i’m bored, taking an entire year to read one book lmao

have any pets? nope, would love a cat someday though

play/have played any sports? i’m not a very active person whatsoever, i played football in primary school, netball in high school but they never really went anywhere, idk where all my energy went after high school lmao

how tall are you? between 5′1 and 5′2 i think, i am smol

favorite subject in school? absolutely english, i deadass wrote bioshock infinite fanfiction one time and submitted it as a creative writing piece

dream job? in a perfect world I’d be a freelance artist or run a nice independent coffee shop with lots of plants in it 

this was so fun! tagging @maxlordd @mishacollinsapologist @cherry-magic @bivillains @dindiarin and anyone else who took the time to read this mess!

#about me #tag meme #javier-pena #maxlordd #mishacollinsapologist #cherry-magic #dindiarin #bivillains

[iamanartichoke]

This is neither eloquent nor organized. I’m very frustrated and I just need to get things off my chest. 

Please do not reblog this post. 

Cut for anti-Ragnarok discourse, pro-Ragnarok discourse, the Ragnarok discourse war, mention of Thorki, and general venting. 

I’m not using tags bc I don’t want this post to show up in them. Very sorry and if any of these things is one of your blacklists, please keep scrolling.

Yesterday, I read a fic.

I was wandering through some of the Thorki content on twitter, and followed a link to one of the big bang fics, bc it was a human AU and das my jam.

I didn’t recognize the author’s name. The fic was extremely well-written, though: lots of feels, beautiful narration, a sweet ending balanced with a lot of sadness. It was one of those fics that gave me a lump in my throat.

I was only going to leave kudos, but then I figured I’d take the extra five seconds and leave a comment, bc we all know how much authors like comments. I mean, I’d rather someone leave a comment than kudos, especially if the fic really affected them.I get it and I gotchu, fam. 

Anyway, so I left a comment and proceeded to click on the author’s profile to see what else they’ve written. As you do.

I recognized their AO3 icon, even though I didn’t recognize the name. I’d seen them around on some Ragnarok wank on tumblr. I went to double-check, and it was the same user, and also they’d blocked me.

I do not know this person. I have never spoken to this person. Yet they’ve gone out of their way to block me, most likely bc I associate with the anti-Ragnarok crowd. This happens to me a lot. I’ve even had a couple of former mutuals unfollow and block me (without saying anything to me) and those felt like punches to the gut.

I understand not wanting to see content that you don’t like or that upsets you. Everyone has the right to block whomever they wish. But I can’t deny that getting blocked like that – by someone I don’t know, let alone interact with – fucking hurts. I know it’s not that deep but I can admit it. It’s a shitty feeling and it’s hard not to take it personally.

It’s not really about this particular person at all, although it’s a shame bc they’re a good writer I probably would have followed otherwise. But this entire anti/pro Ragnarok war has gone so far and it’s exhausting. I stayed pretty neutral for as long as I could. 

And here’s the thing. My observations, both from being neutral and also being someone who, despite often being quietly blocked, tends to fly under the radar are this:

The majority of the negativity comes from the pro side.

Look, I side with and agree with the anti side on this one. I can admit, however, that sometimes it gets tiresome to see posts get turned into Ragnarok criticism or tiresome to see more posts on my dash about this that or another thing that sucks about Ragnarok and why. It, like anything, can be tiring.

But I also see that the anti side largely does its best to keep to itself. The pro side complained about the Ragnarok tags, so the anti side made an anti tag, and the pros still come into it to complain. The anti side will post their discussions and criticisms and they largely just circulate within the same group of people. The discussions are almost always criticisms on the source material (ie, the film) and not about anyone who enjoys it.

Now, maybe I don’t see everything. Though I don’t think I’m biased just bc I agree with the anti side – in fact, it was these attributes that made me take a closer look at what they were saying bc maybe they had a point after all. I don’t follow every anti Ragnarok user, but I do follow a lot. I can’t say personal attacks and whatever never happen - but, I hardly ever see them.

That’s not the case with the pro side. I don’t think I follow many from that side, but I see so much negativity from them. It’s like this kind of underhanded negativity that I’m not quite sure how to explain. It’s tonal negativity. 

I mean, sometimes it’s blatant. Name-calling (Loki stans, lackeys, pathetic, delusional, and racist come to mind) is an example. But more than that, there’s this collective tone among the pro side that smacks of condescension and I can’t stand it.

They make fun of the “dissertations” that have been written.

They always include an “lol” or laugh emoji or something to express that they’re not the ones taking this seriously.

They fall back on saying they don’t care about a two-year-old movie.

They’re laughing and making fun and at the same time acting like they’re so above it all.

They want us to just shut up already.

What it comes down to is this: it’s not just a matter of being able to agree to disagree because the pro side actively acts offended that the antis are even having these critical discussions, even if the antis have gone out of their way to not involve the rest of the fandom at all.

(Again, this is not every pro person, but the majority. Tone does matter online, and the overall tone of the pro side is not positive. I say this from a mostly neutral place.)

And here’s a thing about “oh my god, it came out two years ago, get over it!” Yeah, it came out two years ago. So fucking what? You guys are still engaging with it, via fics and headcanons and art. How old the movie is doesn’t matter when you’re having fun with it, but when someone wants to engage with it in a (valid) critical way that you don’t like? No. That’s unacceptable. That’s pathetic. That’s being a lackey. Get over it.

Even writing this, I know that things are much worse for others than they are for me. I get stealth blocked; others are called out by name in public posts, receive anon hate, and are actively targeted.

It’s just, this shit is so fucking toxic to this fandom and it honestly needs to stop. Both sides need to not only stop engaging one another, but also stop acknowledging one another. We get it: you either like the movie or you don’t.

Let people do their own thing. Don’t be fucking obnoxious. If you disagree and genuinely want to talk about it, then try to remember there’s a person on the other side of the screen and be civil. If you disagree and don’t want to talk about it, then just fucking don’t.

If you see a post you disagree with, scroll past. And, yes, block the person if you need to (and sometimes it might be me that needs blocking and I recognize my hurt feelings are my own personal problem, not whoever else’s).

There are a lot of movies in the MCU that are not perfect. (Btw, it baffles me a little to get hated on for my stance on Ragnarok, when I am so much more vocal [and emotionally invested] in hating the Russos and IW/Endgame – but, whatever.) There are a lot of interpretations of characters that are different. There are a lot of people who project their own identity or issues or whatever onto any particular character that resonates (and that’s okay!) and there are a lot of people who don’t project but still identify with a particular character (and that’s okay, too).

Stop judging whether someone is a “real” fan of a character/franchise or not. Just because someone isn’t engaging with the source material in the way you are, and just because they don’t see it in the same way that you do, does not make them wrong. (Yes, this applies to the pro side, too. None of them are wrong or less valid for enjoying and even stanning the movie.) It doesn’t make anyone better than anyone else here. 

Acting otherwise is honestly going to kill this fandom. Because it bleeds over. Fics will have less readers, bc they don’t want to interact with something posted by someone they dislike (or who blocked them). There’s less sharing of things like art and headcanons and content. People unfollow and block each other, people are having to watch what they say, people are losing friends (and potential friends) bc they may be a great person but they don’t agree with you about fucking Ragnarok.

I came to tumblr bc it was the only place where not only could I find other people who loved Loki as much as I did, but it was the only place where I could express that. Express it in fic, in headcanons, in meta. Being creative and starting dialogues and just interacting. I wish we could get that vibe back.

I wish none of this bothered me so much.

#again #please do not reblog this #i wanted to get this off my chest #i don't want this post to start any fucking wank #please excuse my lack of tags #i am sorry #heed the trigger warning at the top

[aaronexplainsitall]

Aaron, do you have any advice about how to write papers well (for Uni)? I always get so overwhelmed and then annoyed that my papers always suck, and I don't know how to improve...

Hey! Here are a couple of my Hot Tips for academic writing. I’m not an expert, and it’s been a while since I was in a position where I had to write academically rather than creatively, but these are some guides that hopefully you’ll find useful. 

(I ended up waffling on for ages, so I’m putting it below the cut): 

1. Deconstruct your question 

Whether your essay title is a question that you have to answer or a statement that you have to argue, there will always be a prompt for you to begin with. Start by making a note of what you understand the question to mean, and breaking down each word. 

So for example, (and I’m using the title of my dissertation because I know it well), if your title was: 

“‘9/11 Fundamentally Changed Dystopian Literature.’ Discuss the ramifications of major world events on western literary landscapes.” I might make these notes: 

- essay is discussing the relationship between what happens in the world and how people write about the world - ‘9/11′ - discussion of Sept 11th terrorist attacks - ‘Fundamentally’ - at the route, complete and holistic change - ‘Changed’ - in what way did it change? For better/worse? In tone? In urgency? In focus? - ‘Dystopian’ - what is dystopia? Is the definition widely agreed? - ‘Literature’ - Fiction. Prose/Poetry/Drama? And so on and so forth. 2. Research 

Before you put pen to paper, do as much research as time allows you. Don’t begin to construct or marry yourself to your argument until you’ve read as much around the subject as possible. This doesn’t just apply to the arts, in science you want to have a total understanding of the field of research before you wade in with an opinion. Let your research guide your opinion, don’t let your opinion guide your research. 

Your opinion will likely change in this part of the writing process, so not only make notes about what you’re writing, have a separate page of notes where you track your opinion/feelings. 

3. Write - in no more than 200 words - your answer to the question 

Once you’ve done your research, you should have a pretty good understanding of what you think the answer to your question is. A good litmus test is to try and answer the question concisely in roughly 200 words. There’s no need to give examples or rationale, simply write what you feel the crux of the answer to the question is. This paragraph of writing may become part of your intro in your actual essay. 

4. Assemble your essay into a series of key points 

Your essay can take two basic forms: 

i) A thesis statement of opinion or fact followed by three to five pertinent examples which argue for this opinion 

ii) A debate which falls into ‘for’ and ‘against’ sections - each one making a case for and against your thesis statement 

The former is probably more relevant to a directed essay, the latter to a cautious one, and which one you choose will depend on the question. If you have a ‘discuss’ question, I’d go for option 2. If you have a direct question, I’d go for option 1. 

Either way, boil your research down into no more than 5 points which either all argue for the same thesis or which debate the same thesis. Write out a sentence on each one that sums it up - in school, you might have called that a ‘topic’ sentence. 

5. Collate relevant examples for each point and form the point into an argument

Go through your research and drag everything you want to talk about into one of your ‘topic sentences’ or argumentative statements. Discard the rest. Now go through each of your statements and reorder the relevant examples so that there’s a natural flow. Begin basic and get complicated. 

While you’re reordering your research, begin to interject with your own opinion. This might look like: 

[Scholar a] argues that [xxx] but in actual fact this is a limited perception of a complex phenomenon. We may look to [scholar b] who wrote [yyy] for a more nuanced understanding of the question at hand. In actuality what both of them miss is [your opinion]

What you’ll notice is that you’re writing the essay without having actually started writing the essay. You’ll want to order your argumentative statements before you write an introduction or conclusion. This is important. 

6. Write your sections up into prose 

A couple of key points when writing academically: 

- keep the tone formal, but don’t force the issue. Some people don’t like the first person in academic writing, I think it’s fine, but I’d reserve it for your introduction and conclusion. Use phrases like ‘we can see’/’it can be observed’/’we can conclude’, where you’d feel the urge to write in the first person. 

- don’t use the passive voice. Be direct. Make a statement and stick to it. The passive voice in academic writing tells your reader that you’re not sure of what you’re asserting. Be sure (even when you aren’t!) 

- avoid run on sentences. This is my greatest undoing - because I love a long sentence - but they don’t sit well in academic writing. Be punchy, avoid parentheses, and be assertive.  

7. Write your introduction 

Based on the argument that you’ve made, write an introduction. Begin by setting the background of the debate or argument that you’ll be making in the essay - include historical context, current academic discussion, any limitations you’ve observed. Don’t go crazy, your intro should be 3 paragraphs max. 

You should assertively point out what you’re going to argue. “In this paper, I will...” or if your professor hates the first person, “This paper/essay will argue that...” Be firm, but be brief, you can be more elaborative in your conclusion. 

8. Write your conclusion 

Do not skimp or half arse your conclusion, this is your opportunity to really get creative. So far you’ve been moderate and assertive but here you can really let your opinion shine. Do you think all the research you’ve read is bollocks? Let rip on those dusty old clowns. Do you think that the question is redundant? Say so! Do you think it’s a question that can’t be answered? Here’s your place to say your piece. 

Begin with a reiteration of your thesis statement (the statement you made in your intro about what you’d argue) and then go nuts. Be florid, be memorable, be sensational. A good conclusion is melodramatic. 

By writing your intro and conc last, you make sure that the beginning and end of your essay marry up and that they are both informed by the actual content of your paper. 

9. Proof read 

Always leave yourself at least a day to edit. This can be hard when you’re working to a deadline, but you’ll want to take a few hours off once you’ve finished your first draft (go do something fun) and then come back to edit. 

You can sometimes spot monumental errors (like contradictions or entire sections that don’t make sense) when you edit, so you want to have enough time to fix them. 

Also, get someone else to read it and get their feedback. Whether that’s a friend or a parent or a significant other, someone who doesn’t have much knowledge of the field will be able to tell you if it makes sense and if not, why not. 

- 

I hope that all helps! 

[stl29tide]

Season 1 Thoughts

There were a lot of creative decisions (storylines, editing, pacing) that I didn’t agree with when it came to Roswell, New Mexico, but instead of focusing on the negative I’m going to go over what I did love about the first season. (Rest assured that if they’re not renewed for a second season, I will then make a post to roast the shit out of everything I didn’t agree with, including the events of the finale).

Things I loved about the various characters/storylines (omitting all of my gripes):

Liz - Jeanine gave such a powerhouse performance as Liz. She’s so strong and smart. Half the things that needed to be solved on the show were solved by her. She’s warm and kind. Throughout the series she’s given so many opportunities to be bitter and not do the “right” thing - but she does it anyway. Liz is a good person and I’m so glad she was able to open her heart up to love again. With that said, I love that so much of her storyline was focused, not just on Max, but the love she had for her sister. Sister love is POWERFUL and unless you’re a girl who has a sister, you might not fully understand what kind of sacrifices they would make for each other but this show got that love right.

Isobel - Isobel is a person who has been used and abused since she was a young teenager. Her abuse may not have been physical and known like Michael’s or Alex’s, but it was mental and present. She allowed herself to love and she was ultimately betrayed for it more than anyone else. She may not have made peace with the situation yet, but she was able to stand up for herself in the end and now she’s going to start exploring her own abilities. For someone who always just wanted to be “normal” she’s accepted who she is. She’s going to figure out exactly what she can do and become stronger than ever.

Max - Max loves with his whole heart. He makes mistakes (BIG ones), he carries guilt for those mistakes, but in the end he tries to make up for them. His love for Liz and his want to help correct his mistakes ultimately cost him his life. For someone who is largely deemed as selfish, it was a selfless act. He didn’t try to save Rosa to be a hero. He tried to save her because he thought he could, because he wanted to give back a life that was stolen, because he wanted Liz to have her sister again.

Jenna - Badass with a heart of gold. Another great example as to the profound amount of love one can have for their sister. The show could have turned Jenna in to a villain, but they didn’t. She had feelings for Max but she recognized that Max’s feelings for Liz were greater. She knew what they were to each other and instead of inserting herself in the middle, she removed herself from the situation and wished them well. She could have helped Jesse but instead went to Alex. She protected the aliens, she protected Max, at her own expense. She wasn’t used. She always knew what the deal was between the two of them. She had the bravery to tell Max that, that would be the last favor she ever did for him because she knew it’s what would be best for her. I hope we see her back one day.

Michael - Michael has been through A LOT. Despite everything he’s been through, he might love more deeply than anyone else on this entire show. I also think that terrifies him. He closes himself off to accepting other people’s love because of his trauma and it’s realistic and valid. Despite what he says, Michael’s actions and behavior always speaks more to what he’s feeling. He says he doesn’t have family, but he loves Max and Isobel like they are. Michael will never have a relationship that works until he reaches the point where he accepts that other people can and do really, truly love him. It’s that age old “you can never really give love until you’re ready to receive it” thing and that’s so fucking relatable to me because I’m the exact same way.

Kyle - Kyle, like Jenna, they also could have made into a villain and they didn’t. He loves Liz, he supports Liz, even knowing she loves someone else. He didn’t try to insert himself into their whole thing or try to get back together with her. Instead he basically stepped up and asked what she needed from him. It took him on a journey that changed his life and his view of a parent he idolized. Even at the end when he was breaking down, he had every excuse to revert back to something ugly, but he still took the higher road. Kyle may have used to be a homophobic bully, but he’s the proof that we all look for when we ask if it’s really possible for a person to change. Kyle changed and I’m proud that he continues to surprise me.

Maria - Maria’s love for her mom is so beautiful. Watching someone you love slowly lose themselves is one of the MOST difficult things, and seeing them show just how much stress it really puts on her life was wonderful (even though it was difficult to watch). I loved the little insight we got regarding Maria’s feelings of growing up in a town where everyone was white and how it was her mother that taught her to love her skin and her voice. The scene with her and Liz sitting on the billboard was so important. I also love that we know Maria’s family is involved with the aliens in some way (we just don’t know how yet). Also, on a more shallow note, Heather Hemmens is crazy beautiful so I’m grateful to the show for introducing me to her.

Alex - I mean....I honestly don’t know what to say about Alex. At this point I feel like I could write a dissertation about him. Alex has affected me in ways that I was not expecting. I didn’t really understand him at first. I was intrigued, but it took me a while to really see him. To truly see him. Alex is smart. Ridiculously smart. Remember when I said that Liz solved about half the things on the show? Alex solved the other half. He’s kind. He’s so freaking kind, and loving, and loyal. He stands up for his friends and calls them out when need be. Seeing his relationship with Kyle this season has been a blessing. They may not be “friends” (yet) but he’s willing to not look at how they were shaped by the past to instead concentrate on the present because it’s what’s needed. He has this capacity for love that’s so deep which is all the more amazing given by the fact that the two people who should have loved him unconditionally didn’t. He was abandoned by his mom and left to be raised by an abusive, homophobic man. He had every reason to turn out hateful like his dad, but he didn’t. His trauma cost him so much of himself, but this season he’s started to regain those pieces that had been chipped away. He confronted his abuser, he stopped running away from the man he’s in love with. He wants to be free. Free to live and love the way he’s always wanted to. Alex has spent this season regaining his agency, and it’s easily been my favorite character arc.

Extras:

The fashion choices on this show (at least regarding the women) are A+. Maria’s outfits were my favorite. The song selections were also amazing. Nothing makes me happier than some quality 90’s music so it was basically a fantasy brought to life to have a show that showcased it every episode. I even loved all of the cover versions of popular songs. I also had this idea of “what if they end the season playing Here With Me?” and they did, so I’m glad that at least everyone agrees that it was the only song choice that made sense. The show had a lot of great one liners, especially from Michael, Alex, Kyle, and Isobel. I truly believe they’re the snarkiest characters and lord do I want to see more of that.

So those are my positive thoughts on Season 1. Will I watch Season 2 if it’s renewed? Yes. There are a lot of things I wish I could change, but the one thing that the show did (relatively) well is create a multitude of characters that were easy to love in different ways and I *want* to know what happens to them next. So, hopefully, we’ll all get to have our weekly freak out moments again next TV season. We’ll see. 🤷🏼‍♀️

#roswell nm #roswell new mexico #echo #malex #shoutout to Noah who got screwed over so he’s been left out of the list

[lobsters-on-their-heads]

Continuing Travels of Cophine, Part 3 Chapt. 10

Fucking finally. I’ve been trying to get my novel out to literary agents, which has taken up a lot of creative energy on top of regular life activities and things (bipolar doesn’t always work in my favor, either). But, here it is!

You can read all of Part 3 here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16820221

Cosima didn't know how to write a condolence card. She sucked even more at picking one out, but on Tuesday that was her One Job.

At the card-and-party-goods store Sarah brought her to, the card section stretched over three full aisles, and the “sympathy” cards were ten percent of that. “Just grab a card,” she muttered to herself, “any fucking card.” But all of the cards she picked up sucked. Donnie Hendrix just lost his mother – the first person in his entire life who loved him – and the trite pre-written message on a two dollar piece of card stock was supposed to sooth his pain? Were the swoopy cursive letters and watercolor flowers actually supposed to comfort anyone? Or wasn't it all just a ploy to make those who hadn't lost anyone feel better about themselves? Like saying “look, I helped” without actually helping anything at all?

She picked up a card showing a tire swing at sunset. Always remember that every part of life is a part of God's plan, it said.

Cosima huffed. “Is cloning a part of God's plan, too?” she asked the card, and stuffed it back into it's slot.

Another read, Nothing happens without a reason. A whole bunch of Cosima's life experience contradicted that one, too.

Those who love us never really leave us.

“Way to rip off Sirius Black, yo,” Cosima told that card. As she suspected, JK Rowling was not credited with the message anywhere on the back.

She had no idea how close Donnie was (had been) to his mother. If (when) Cosima's mother died, there wasn't a card in existence that would even dent Cosima's pain. To make matters worse, in her search Cosima came across sympathy cards for the loss of a spouse or partner and she nearly fled the card aisle to join Sarah in the “summer fun” aisle with the pool noodles and plastic sand buckets. The two news alerts from Syria she got a few minutes ago really didn't help, and Delphine wasn't even in Syria yet.

Cosima was scowling at a card reading Don't cry. They're in a better place now when her phone rang. She crammed the card back in it's overcrowded slot and answered. “Hey gorgeous,” she said.

“Hey,” Delphine said. “Is everything alright? You said you needed some help?”

Delphine sounded exhausted, and Cosima chided herself. Delphine had treated two Turkish clones in two cities in two days. She deserved some time to herself. “Totally alright,” Cosima assured her. “Nothing to worry about. Forget I asked.”

“Euh, not very likely. What do you need help with?”

“Well, you seem like a classy lady, and so I thought – ”

Delphine's snorted laugh cut her off. “I'm sorry, what?”

“I have to buy a sympathy card for Donnie, and I have no frikkin' clue what to get, or, like, what to do when we see him later today.”

“Oh.” Delphine's mirth vanished. “Why are you buying a sympathy card? What happened?”

“His mom died. She had a stroke on Friday and she never woke up from the coma. Not, if you ask me, the worst way to go, but still sad, you know?” Funny how none of the sympathy cards said that: It wasn't the worst way to go, but it's still sad, I know.

“Hm.”

“Anyway, I'm trying to find the right card, and nothing seems right. Sarah doesn't know either, and the whole “sorry your mom died” thing kind of sent her to a bad emotional place too. Totally understandable, you know? She's distracting herself right now. I'd normally ask Alison, but obviously that doesn't work here. Scott's socially inept in these areas, even worse than me, and my mom's off the grid until June, so I can't ask her either.”

“I see.” Traffic rushed by on Delphine's end, and she said, “hang on,” a couple of times before the traffic noise ceased. “I'm not sure how much I can help, actually. I'm not exactly an expert in comforting phrases or what to say after someone dies. In English or in French, actually.”

Cosima sighed. “Well, you've gotta be better at this than I am. Like, what kind of card would you want if your mom died?”

Delphine laughed again. “That depends.”

“On what?”

“How she died, if she'd decided to talk to me before she passed, if she has a will...”

“Let's say there's no will, you were on speaking terms, and she died of a stroke.” Cosima had no idea about the will part, but assumed it didn't matter here. “In fact, you know what, scratch that. You'd probably want a card saying something like Guess what? She's dead.”

“In my case, yes, that would be fine. But this is not my case.”

“What kind would you want if I died?”

Delphine inhaled sharply, and Cosima kicked herself again. Delphine already had those nightmares. “I'd rather not think about that.”

“Yeah, fair. Ditto.”

“Cosima. What kind of card do you think you should get? What would the right one say in this situation?”

“I just want one that says, This sucks, and we all know it sucks, and we're here for you. None of this greater purpose, heaven and God shit. I mean, I know the Hendrixes go to church and all that, but... I don't know. It seems off base to me, and it'll be super obvious I don't mean it.”

“Don't they have any blank cards? You can write in your own message if you want.”

“I am not sure that would be better, actually.” She sighed again and held a hand to her forehead. Chances were, this would be their only conversation that day – it was dinner time in Bursa, and Cosima would be spending the next few hours with the Hendrixes. She should get the most out of her daily Delphine Time. Walking away from the cards towards the big store-front window, she asked, “How'd your day go, then? How was the treatment?”

“Fine. She's asymptomatic, as we suspected.”

Cosima smiled. “Nice of you to use the plural there. If I remember correctly, you're the one who convinced me not to drop clone fest to inoculate her back in March.”

“You weren't terribly opposed, though.”

“Mostly because I knew Alison would kick my ass.” Cosima giggled. “If only we'd known how Clone Fest would actually go! Alison might've been happy for us to miss it.”

“I thought you two smoothed all that over?”

“Eh. I guess. Forgiven but not forgotten, for my part.”

“Doesn't sound like you've completely forgiven, either.”

“I've forgiven enough to not bring it up again with her. How's that? I'm letting it slide.”

“As long as you're both okay.”

“I am fine. Alison's husband is the one I should be worried about right now. And you. I'm always worried about you.”

“Don't worry too much. Bursa is very nice. Rainy, but nice.”

“Oh, I'm sure it's nice. And it's not really Bursa I'm worried about, either.”

Delphine made a noncommittal noise. Cosima picked up a little animatronic Easter bunny from the store's clearance bin and pushed the button on its ear. While it danced around to its tinny robotic song, Cosima tried to think of something else to say – something other than “you know there have been chemical attacks in Syria recently” and “you know our security team can't really protect you from everything.”

“How's everyone else?” Delphine asked.

“Fine. Charlotte's still being Charlotte. Sarah's worried she's gonna fail her math class, so we're all trying to help her out with that.”

“Wait. Sarah's worried that Charlotte will fail? I thought she was strong in math.”

“No no no. Sarah's worried that Sarah might fail math.”

“Ah!”

“Too many shes, I know.”

“Hm.”

Cosima looked around to make sure Sarah wasn't in hearing distance. “I'm trying to kind of gently coax her into, like, an advisor's office or something. Maybe an academic counselor.”

“Sarah, you mean?”

“Yes, still Sarah. Like, it's weird.” Cosima looked around again. Sarah had moved on to the “Over the Hill” birthday aisle, where she was laughing at some tombstone shaped decorations. “She's obviously smart,” Cosima whispered to Delphine, “and she's doing everything she's supposed to do. She's working her ass off for these classes, and she just can't get it. Me and Scott are still tutoring her like once a week or so, but I dunno. I think she needs something that we're not able to give her, but I don't know what. She just keeps saying she's too stupid to get it, but I don't think that's the case.”

“No, I don't think so either.”

“She was joking the other day that someone must've dropped her on her head as a baby.”

Delphine was silent on the other end, but in the silence Cosima heard her thinking. The gentle tap of a pen or pencil gave it away. Before either of them to continue the conversation, Sarah came over and waved a “old man survival kit” at Cosima.

“Art's birthday's all set, then,” Sarah said. When Cosima just stared, she clarified. “He's turning 40 in a couple weeks.”

“Oh,” Cosima said. “Cool. Um. Send us the date, yeah?”

“Sure. He doesn't want anyone to know, but whatever.” She waved at the phone in Cosima's hand and raised her voice. “Hi Delphine!”

Delphine chuckled softly and said, “Hello Sarah” in a voice soft enough for Sarah to miss it.

“I should get going,” Cosima said into the phone. “I probably can't talk much later, but text me if you want, yeah?”

Delphine agreed to, they both said “I love you,” and Cosima hung up. Then she turned to Sarah. “How'd you know I was talking to Delphine?”

“Your face, mostly. Anyway, you ready yet? Where's the card? I wanna get outta here before I buy too much shit I don't need.”

* * * * * *

On Thursday, as Delphine travelled to Izmir, Cosima sat in their apartment and scrolled through job listings. The exercise was futile – she wouldn't apply to any of them and anyway, she didn't have her PhD yet. Her advisor sent back a list of dissertation edits yesterday, but Cosima had only made two of the smallest ones. More and more, every time she sat at the computer, her mind drifted. Some of it was the same old shit: anxiety over the state of the world and the nagging feeling that nothing she did amounted to much. And worry about Delphine. She always worried about Delphine. The job search began as a combination of those – worry that she'd never get a job good enough to give Delphine the kind of life she deserved.

Her family made sure to get her away from the Rabbit Hole for at least an hour every day now, and Cosima was not allowed to protest. If she did, they pretended to move in with her, loudly, until she left the apartment in frustration. That only happened once, though. Tuesday's outing was to the store and the Hendrixes, where Clone Club gathered to support Donnie in his grief. Yesterday, Cosima was back at Bailey Downs, to “help Helena with the boys” while the Hendrixes attended the funeral in Hamilton. “Helping with the boys” made no sense, of course, since Cosima didn't know what the fuck to do with one-year-olds except make silly faces once in a while, and Helena resented the obvious supervision. Cosima spent half of that visit riding Alison's bicycle aimlessly through the subdivision by herself.

Thoughts of the twins and the suburban expanse of Scarborough set Cosima's mind spinning again.

She remembered the sprawling, packed metropolises of Mexico City, Istanbul, and São Paulo. Those weren't even the biggest cities in the world, and still their size and scope took her breath away. She remembered the bustling streets of Lima and Cairo, and she'd never stopped being amazed at how many distinct individuals existed in the world. Little Arthur and Little Donnie were unique, just like every single one of those people. Just like Delphine. Just like Cosima and each of her sisters.

She shook her head and tapped her own cheeks. Another cup of tea was in order, but before she got up her phone emitted a weak little chirp – another news alert from Syria.

“Fuck it,” Cosima told her laptop. Grabbing her coat and purse, she went outside, leaving the job search and dissertation edits behind.

The Syrian news alerts never made Cosima feel better. Even the occasional cease fires failed to get her hopes up, because most of them devolved into violence again, or yet another armed group entered the scene to fuck shit up again.

At least Cosima now checked those alerts only from outside of the Rabbit Hole, with a view of sky and trees rather than drab walls and a moldy ceiling she lacked motivation to clean herself. Ignoring the chirps from inside the apartment didn't change the situation, but it helped Cosima keep her head screwed on, and it kept her from telling Delphine to just stay far the fuck away and send someone else to cure the Syrian Leda.

Not that she hadn't thought about it. The trouble was that no one else would do it – not the way it needed to be done, or with the appropriate discretion.

Cosima ordered a chai latte at the cafe around the corner, sat near the window, and gave in to her brain's desire to dwell on bad news for the day.

Fighting in Aleppo schools bombed in Hama clinics shot up in Ghouta ISIS kidnapping people in Deir ez-Zor

Hundreds of thousands of people were trying to flee with the clothes on their backs, and the only people trying to get in were ISIS recruits, aid workers, and foreign military “advisors.” By the time this whole shit show ended, Cosima doubted there would be anything left of the beautiful country she'd wanted to visit as a teenager – encouraged by her tenth grade math teacher who just happened to be Syrian and also super fucking hot. But that was now beside the point. The point now was that a different super fucking hot object of Cosima's affections would be in Syria within the next couple of weeks. Their purchase earlier that year of “kidnap and ransom” insurance only made Cosima feel worse.

Skimming over the most recent alert from Damascus, a pair of chimes interrupted her. The first was from Qamar, their remaining Arabic translator, requesting a phone call in a few minutes. She did that often, preferring to relay messages longer than five words verbally rather than in writing. Cosima sighed and agreed.

The other was the semi-daily update from Nabil back in Djibouti. Like most of the children's texts, it was short and random – a picture of a filthy street cat in the shadow of a trash can that he'd captioned “friienb.” Cosima replied as she usually did, with a picture of her own – her chai latte, framed by a glass sugar shaker and a napkin holder. She added a short and simple message of her own. “Lunch.”

She kept thinking of talking with Qamar about Nooran's nieces and nephews. Djibouti was certainly safer than Yemen, and now that Nooran was cured their life could improve somewhat, but Cosima couldn't let go of Nooran's request – to take the children to Canada with them. She also couldn't forget the role they'd inadvertently played in Cosima's current situation by sending a picture of themselves with the flag of the Muslim Brotherhood in the background. It wasn't their fault, and she would never – could never – ask them about it.

Her phone rang and she answered before even checking the caller. “Hello, this is Cosima,” she said.

“Hi, Cosima,” her mother said, a certain heaviness in her voice.

The dissonance between her expectation of Qamar's chipper accent and the sound of her mother's voice made Cosima reel. “Oh. Hey, Mom. I thought you were out to sea right now?”

“Well, we were.”

“Okay. That doesn't sound good. What happened? You said the boat was having some issues, but – ”

“No, honey, the boat's fine. We got that fixed last month.”

“Okay...”

A garbled, wonky announcement sounded through the phone, like the announcements at airports or train stations, but filtered under water. Sally sighed and waited for it to finish before speaking again. “We're at the hospital right now.”

Cosima froze. “Oh shit. Is it your foot?” She'd been worried about that, about her mother going out to sea so soon after bunion surgery, but Sally said no.

“No, honey, my foot's doing fine. It's Gene.”

“Oh. Is he...”

“It's not his heart this time. He's very keen on everyone knowing that. He did not have another heart attack, and he's been taking his statins regularly.”

“Okay, well that still doesn't really tell me what's wrong with him.”

Sally sighed again. “Well, a couple of days ago, he started noticing blood in his urine. Of course, being Gene, he didn't say anything about it until yesterday, when he couldn't urinate at all.”

Imagining that made Cosima squirm and cross her legs in sympathy. “That sounds awful.”

Beeping in Cosima's ear told her Qamar was trying to get through. Whatever. Qamar could wait. Qamar probably didn't have a urinary blockage.

Sally went on. “Yes, well, after several hours of that, he agreed we should turn around and head for shore. Fortunately we were only about six hours out from Eureka, so here we are.”

“So, what, Dad went like eight hours without peeing? Holy shit.”

“Closer to twelve or fourteen, I think. He's on a catheter now and they're running some tests.”

“Jesus Christ, poor guy.”

“Yes, well.” Sally gave a few of her deep sighs – the kind that came from somewhere beneath her diaphragm and that Cosima was all too familiar with.

“Go ahead and say it, Mom.”

She sighed again. “Well, it's just – I know this has been going on longer than he says it has. The doctors were worried about his prostate last year, and sometimes Gene gets this pinched look on his face, you know? This pinched pained look and then he acts like it didn't happen and he's not in any pain, like I'm some kind of an idiot.”

“That... sounds familiar.”

“Oh, so you noticed while we were in Toronto a few months ago? You noticed it too?”

“Uh, no, actually, I didn't. I was thinking of something else.” She was thinking of Delphine, wincing over the phone and over Skype and swearing that nothing was wrong, all the while having a cracked knee cap. “I think you and I have similar tastes in partners,” she told Sally.

Sally laughed. “Don't say that! Delphine's a nice girl.”

“Yeah, nice and stubborn as hell. Anyway. What's next? What's going to happen?”

“We're staying on land for a while. I knew Gene was really hurting when I told him we'd have to, and he didn't even argue.”

Cosima whistled. “Back to Berkeley then?”

“We'll see. I'll keep you posted. Love you.”

Cosima returned the sentiment and hung up. She needed to call Qamar and see what she'd turned up, but that could wait another few minutes. Pulling up her on-going text string with Delphine, Cosima typed, Would you tell me if you couldn't pee for twelve hours? After hitting send, she kicked herself. Over text, she wouldn't see Delphine's face when she read the question, and in regular messenger it was impossible to delete texts.

The phone call with Qamar lasted four minutes. Samira, the one Leda remaining in Syria, still resided in Douma, but had no cell phone or internet access. All the information Qamar had was word-of-mouth, from the cousin of a friend of Samira's husband.

“I tell him, you see her next month,” Qamar said

“It'll be a lot closer than that,” Cosima said. “Delphine's scheduled to meet the security team there on May 9.”

“May 9? Okay, I tell them tomorrow. I talk them tomorrow.”

“I mean,” Cosima cautioned, “there's also always the chance the date could change. Just like the others.”

“Yes yes. I know.” Qamar had been with them since they got the Leda List, or close to it. She knew the deal, even if she never quite understood it.

Off the phone again, Cosima let out a long, slow breath. Different news would have been welcome – that Samira had fled along with her Syrian Leda sisters and Delphine didn't need to go there at all, ever. Or maybe that Samira was in some unique position to hop over the border into Lebanon for a day or two and get treated there.

Not likely.

Finishing her drink, Cosima debated a trip to the aquarium or to see Scott at the university, where he was working on nanotechnology. She'd just settled on visiting Scott when Delphine's reply arrived. Yes, I will tell you if I can't pee for 12 hours but only on one condition.

That was unexpected. What's that?

You have to tell me why the fuck you tried putting a robot worm in your face a few years ago.

#continuing travels of cophine #my fanfiction #cophine fanfiction

[thepsychicclam]

Could you talk a little about what being a professor/getting your PhD has been like? Do you have to constantly do research and publish, is it hard to find jobs, do they pay enough to relieve the doctoral debt? I know you’ve moved at least once and I wasn’t sure if it was to follow a job, or if it was for personal reasons and then, was finding a new job hard? Did you start teaching while getting your PhD? I’m just fascinated by it and you seem like the best to ask!

Yes! I can share my experience. Everyone’s experience is different, and mine is unique for a few reasons I’ll discuss below. It may also vary from field to field. My PhD is in literature/English, and from what I’ve gathered, your concentration can influence a lot of stuff, too. So, under the cut, I’ll try to share my experience as much as I can! This is VERY LONG, so be warned, nonny! :D

Before I decided to get a PhD, I got a MAT - a master’s in secondary education with a focus on English literature. My BA is in creative writing/english lit. I taught high school for three years, and for a lot of reasons said FUCK THIS NOISE and quit. I lived with my parents and they told me they’d help support me. I ended up with a college teaching job (you can teach adjunct in the states with a masters) and they told me to get a PhD if I wanted to do it full time some day. I love teaching, and I’m good at it. I especially love teaching literature. So, I decided to go get my PhD.

Choosing my specialization was kinda interesting bc I decided to go for medieval literature, which I hadn’t really studied up until that point. I had always done Victorian and Shakespeare/Renaissance, with a bit of dabbling into Native American and postcolonial literature. But I taught Dante’s Inferno to my seniors my last yr at HS and fell in LOVE. So, I thought, “Hey, there aren’t a lot of medievalists. Everyone gets a PhD in Shakespeare/Victorian lit, so I’ll do that. Maybe it’ll make me more marketable.” I have always loved medieval lit, so I figured lets go for it.

My original plan was to do something with romances, so late medieval stuff. I ended up with two professors in the dept, one who focused on Anglo-Saxon/Old English and one who focused on Chaucer/later medieval. I took multiple classes in both, and my second or third semester, I took intro to Old English. I fell in LOVE WITH IT. It was a linguistics course where we learned the Old English language (which is completely different than modern or even middle english) and translated. I was GOOD at it and took to it unlike anyone else in the class. It just made sense. I think probably bc I had a background in Latin and German (I was a German studies minor in undergrad until I realized I couldn’t speak German to save my life :P) and I took like 3 or 4 yrs of Latin in hs. Anyway, I was hooked and switched to Old English. I took a lot of postcolonial literature courses, like Indian lit, lit of SE Asian, and Native American lit courses, and through this I met another professor who I adored. I ended up working with her to do my minor/secondary specialization, which is literature of the indigenous peoples of America (Native American, Chicano lit, etc - mostly Native American). I ALMOST wrote my dissertation with her bc I loved her so much and I love Native American literature so much. However, as a white woman, I didn’t feel that I would make a good postcolonial/Native American scholar, so I stuck with Anglo-Saxon lit.

I used my class papers to start working on my dissertation ideas. I got obsessed with monstrosity and the narrow definition in AS lit, and connected that to ideas of reason, which I also became obsessed with, and ended up writing all my papers about some type of monstrous transformation and how it connects to the reason of the punished. Thus, my dissertation topic was born, which currently has the working title of Transformative Bodies and their Punishments as Social Control in Anglo-Saxon Literature. It’s a terrible title, but right now, at least it states the overall topic lol

My comps, which are the comprehensive exams you have to take, took me a year to read for. Most people take one semester, I took 2. I took mine in the spring and just read for two semesters. Now, to put it into perspective, the English dept standard was 40 primary texts and 20 secondary texts, so 60 texts. Mine was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY over that. I ended up with over 16,000 pgs of texts to read. Hint: I DID NOT READ THEM ALL. And remember, half of mine were in Middle English, so they took 3 times as long to read, and half were translated OE texts. But I read a lot, read the secondary stuff, and took my comps. Comps were supposed to be 2.5 hrs. The director of graduate studies handed me my comps and said, “You’re the medieval one, right?” And I was like, “...yes...” and he looked at me and said, “You get 4 hrs.” THAT’S HOW FUCKING LONG MY ADVISOR MADE MY COMPS. I HAD TO GET EXTRA TIME. So, 4 hrs I did nothing but type. There were questions on there that were not part of my 16k words, but I answered everything. I wrote 9 fucking thousand words in 4 hrs. I was PUMPED. Then, he gave me just a PASS not PASS PLUS. I’m a straight A student, valedictorian, graduated cum laude and magna cum laude, mortar board, scholarships, etcetc. I WAS PISSED :|||| I MEAN I HAD 4 HRS AND WRITE 9K ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? It didn’t matter bc I still passed, but it was a pride thing lol

Okay, so that August I moved to Boston. My diss director was PISSED. I was ABD (all but dissertation, ie I had passed my comps), so I was going to work on my dissertation remotely. Many ppl do this. Well, he basically looked at me and said, “Yeah most ppl don’t finish who do this.” I cried for like 2 weeks. Then I got pissed and told myself I WILL FUCKING FINISH THIS IF IT KILLS ME. I regretted not doing the Native American diss with the professor I loved. My dissertation director is a dick. Hands down. I would be finished if I had a better director. I have had no support. Now, I did move to Boston, I procrastinated and took my time and had a lot of anxiety, but he didn’t help me at all. He made it worse. If you’ve followed me for awhile, you know I struggle with depression and anxiety, and at times it’s basically debilitating. So, it increased tenfold with the dissertation process. It took me a year to get my proposal submitted, finalized, and approved. 

I started working on my dissertation, which thankfully I had drafts of chapters from my class papers. As of right now, I have drafted 4 full chapters of average 40 pgs each and am revising. My director takes forever to get back from me, and my comments give me MAJOR anxiety. Part of the dissertation process is being told “yeah this needs work.” It’s like, hey, your ideas are great! You have a good point! But here are 100 ways you suck. Or that’s what it feels like. So, it became a major source of crippling anxiety for me. When I was in therapy, it was like all I talked about. I have to spend a week or two just pumping myself to check my fucking email. I have been trying to make an inface mtg with my advisor for a freaking yr. He blew me off to go to the bar with his friends at a conference we attended last yr (I only know this for a fact bc I SAW HIM AT THE BAR WITH THEM when he texted me and said he had “fallen asleep.”) So, needless to say, that has been a huge struggle and conflict. However, I don’t think that’s normal. lol I’m just cursed.

Right now, I’m trying to learn how to push myself as an academic writer and researcher to the next level. Something I need him to teach me, but still trying to meet face to face! I’ve gotten to the point in my drafts that I need to improve the arguments and research in a few places, but I’m not sure how to break through my wall. I need guidance, you know? Bc I don’t live around the campus, I’m doing this alone. I don’t have a writers group or any friends in the program. I’m pretty alone and isolated, which sucks. It’s also not the norm either, I don’t think. So, I have to push myself and keep myself going and write in a vacuum. I’m the only medievalist in the Eng dept getting a PhD, so there’s not even someone else writing their dissertation in Anglo-Saxon lit or even Middle English. The medieval dept is small.

So, that is my PhD schooling experience. Let’s talk about work and loans. I worked at a different college as an adjunct while doing my classes. I did not do a graduate research or teaching assistant job at the university, which means I paid for my schooling out of pocket/loans. I had someone tell me once, “If you’re paying for your own PhD, you shouldn’t be getting one. If you’re not being paid to get it, you’re not worth anything.” Pretty much, I feel like I was told the entire way I was doing everything wrong. I couldn’t get a GRA/GTA while teaching at the other school. I was an adjunct with a 3 class load, so I made decent, though not much. I lived at home w my folks, so I was okay with money. I was extremely lucky bc of that bc most ppl live on their own and have to work multiple jobs. When I moved to Boston, that’s when I got the 239847239 jobs. (also why I used to write a lot of fic and now I don’t write as much lol real life, man). When I moved to Boston, I taught adjunct, 3 classes. I also did freelance writing and worked at a farm, mainly bc rent was$2000/mth and I didn’t get paid during the summer. When I moved to SC, I also ended up with a 3 class adjunct job, but continued with the freelance writing. I have always been incredibly lucky with getting jobs. I think it’s bc I have a lot of teaching experience (this is my 10th yr teaching) and I have a background in English literature instead of education. I also wasn’t picky where I taught. I wasn’t teaching at Harvard, Boston College, or even something like the University of South Carolina. I taught at a small state school to start with, a community college in Boston, and now another small state school. But all experience is good experience. One thing that will make you marketable is your teaching experience. Everyone I’ve every talked to who hired me was interested in my teaching experience. 

For my career, right now I do a lot of conferences. I am doing 5 this semester, and I have done a ton of them. Graduate conferences, medieval conferences, lit conferences, pedagogy conferences, even library conferences. I give presentations/papers at each of them, bc I don’t see the point of going to a conference if you aren’t going to give a paper. I haven’t done any publishing yet. I have a few ideas for articles, but I’m terrified. It’s very hard to get published, so I haven’t tried yet :/ it is an expectation of all professors/phds to get published. At my current job, where I just got hired full time as an Visiting Assistant Professor, if I get a tenure track position, I have to have at least 1 publication within 5 years. That is a peer reviewed journal article or book. Getting published in English is SO MUCH HARDER than the sciences. I have a friend who works in Atlanta as a research assistant/lab technician/scientist (I’m not sure the title tbh) and she has like 3 publications bc she helped with these studies that they publish online that get published within like a month. My sister has a chapter in an art history essay collection, and it took 2 years to get published!! Academic publishing is the WORST. I’m hoping at least one dissertation chapter gets accepted as an article. I also did a project in my 102 class last semester that I have given multiple conference presentations and teaching workshops about, and I’m starting to work on turning it into an article. I want to be a teaching professor, not a research professor, so I’m trying to focus on the teaching aspect of my career. I just got a Brit Lit class for next semester instead of a sea of composition, so I’m trying to come up with a unique topical angle that I can use on my CV to show my teaching skills. So, part of my job is trying to find ways to increase my CV. Like, I run a panel at a regional literature conference (I kinda lucked into it bc my mentor used to run it, and now I do lol), so that looks good on my CV, too. So, it’s not constant publishing, but you are expected to do SOMETHING, conferences, publication, things like that.

Is it hard to find jobs? I’d say yes. Like I said, I have been incredibly lucky to always have a job. My dissertation director told me last yr after I got my job in SC, “Well, I guess you’re doing something right. I mean, you always seem to find a job.” (thanks asshole for that BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT) I am not picky. Experience is experience, and you’re not going to find your dream job immediately. That sense of entitlement limits you and keeps you from finding a job to start. Right now, I teach 5 fucking composition 101 classes. I was bitching to my sister today about how I was teaching fucking TOPIC SENTENCES and my students don’t get it!!! It sucks!! But, it pays a full time salary, and it gives me experience. Do I want to teach how to write a FUCKING TOPIC SENTENCE?? NO!! I can translate Old English and have studied medieval and early British literature for almost a decade. THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO FOCUS ON. But, I’m not an entitled asshole and realize I have to work my way up. When I finish my PhD, will get the perfect medieval/early British job? NO. I hope to get a job as an early British person somewhere (not my current school, who has no need for a medievalist really), but I know it will take one to two jobs before my dream job. Everyone I know has done 1-3 jobs before their perfect tenure job. Of course, there are always people who have the magic CV or whatever who will get that perfect job right out of grad school. I have no delusions. That’s not gonna be me. I’m an okay researcher and scholar and a damn good teacher. The first part means more than the last part for colleges. I just hope to eventually find somewhere I can teach Medieval lit to undergrads, and maybe do a course on monsters in pop culture.

Money wise, professors make okay but not mega bucks. I make pretty good for my area. But, I grew up poor, so having a full time job is like WHOO. I’ve learned how to live a great life on a lower salary. If money is what you want, this is not the career for you unless you’re teaching business or accounting at an MBA program. However, I go to work at 10 am, I leave some days at 1 and others at 3, I get from May-August and all of December off, and I make a full time yearly salary. So...I chose my profession for the time off. lol That’s exactly why I became a teacher XD I’m in a lot of student debt, but I worked out a payment plan with the student loan ppl and pay my loans every month. I’ll be dead before they’re paid off, but oh well :P 

What other questions did you ask...yes, I worked the entire time teaching while getting my degree. At one point I was working 5 jobs lol but not while taking class, during comps/dissertation stuff. If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask! Like I said, I have a unique circumstance, with a dick dissertation advisor, moving between 3 states and teaching at 3 different places, though I finally have landed a full time college teaching position lol When I finish my dissertation, I will be very happy with my career path. Right now, with it looming over  my head and making me feel like the fucking biggest idiot and stupidest person on the planet, I regret my life decisions XD But really, I don’t bc, you know, I work like 20 hrs a week XDDDDDD

[ripfoghorn]

i’m just thinking about how fucked up beatrice became due to sexism and abuse and The War and how that cycle continues and how ... i mean obviously it doesn’t excuse what she did to bojack, just like how what she did to bojack doesn’t excuse what he does to others, but uh... fuck? it’s still hard to see? 

and bojack “walking” her through the lake house in michigan that he had torn down... knowing that he will never get that closure that he was desperately searching for (though wasn’t he the one that told dianne closure was a fake, made-up word?), but not using it against her. is he maturing? did having a ‘daughter’ teach him that? we know he was going to forgive (maybe not ‘forgive’, but at least sympathize) with beatrice before he found out she’d been fucking up hollyhock. how much of that was her? how much lucidity was there? i mean, i assume she’d been making the coffee primarily for herself, but she had made comments before and said the coffee was a secret (or something?) implying she knew what she was doing. was it her fucked up way of trying to help? how much does it matter at this point?

also mr pb’s and diane’s relationship was uh... yeah... alright. not surprising, but still hard to watch. i mean they’re just ... you know. opposites. and opposites attract but they’re better suited for short-lived relationships, not marriage. i wasn’t expecting diane to start crying like that in the last episode, though. damn. i think they’ve both tried for each other but don’t know how to make it work, or if it’s even possible... sometimes you love someone and you want it to work but it just. doesn’t. also if you have extremely different political views it’s going to continue coming up again and again, especially if they’re important to you (which they always are for dianne and almost never for mr pb). like. didn’t mr pb just repeat the surprise party disaster? he does things that he thinks would make her happy, through his own lens of happiness (but also to make himself feel better). mr pb has always been generally nihilistic. and i know diane has her own problems with depression and kind of -- wanting to make herself feel small and kind of... not in someone’s life? which could have been a survival tactic having 4(?) abrasive brothers and neglectful parents. they could go back to couples therapy but i don’t know how much it’d help at this point.

also everytime i think about princess carolyn i get overwhelmed. i really just want her to live a happy & fulfilled life. i don’t want to get too into the mouse / cat relationship and how ralph’s family hates her because i think it’s something i need to think about more to adequately talk about. but i do think she pushed ralph away. i’ve always had very mixed feelings about him, but i don’t think he handled the situation poorly... but it was a very emotional for both of them. and she fired judah, who was just trying to look out for her. yeah, he should have told her, but he also had a point, and (as far as we know) has never done anything but help her. i just want PC to know it’s okay to need others and rely on them, that she doesn’t have to be strong 100% (and isn’t the refusal to be weak a weakness in itself?). i think she began to get there at the end, though. i did like her talk about people wanting to find someone easy to love and not willing to put in the work, though (whether ralph was really like that or not).

also as a general note i appreciate how they treated todd’s asexuality and it was really cool & important to see that kind of representation. going from not wanting a label to using the label to find out more about himself and the definition of who he is (like that aces can get married/be in relationships), cool. his maybe axolotl maybe soon-gf? cool. (i wonder if they’ll do something where they go oh, we’re both ace but our personalities don’t really work....) also todd’s shenanigans (clown dentists) as a background comedic (though horrifying) adventure was, as usual, Something Else. am i the only one who thought the kid who was getting worked on by the clown dentists looked a lot like a certain vincent adultman? (could just be similar, though). 

i can’t even get too in to beatrice and butterscotch’s relationship... like. the Cool Art Guy who’s gonna be the next great american author, except........ he doesn’t actually write. that’s actually such an important real life thing to talk about imo, those idealistic types who have so much ~hidden creativity and passion~ but don’t actually work for it (and even blames others for it not happening). a lot of people fall for those people. also both being liberal and their slow conversion to being bigots because they’re in a life they hate and find it easier to blame others than work on themselves... i mean this season had the most political parallel (which i was expecting, the first season made after trump was elected) that i could probably write an entire dissertation about (heck, just the second and eleventh episode alone would be enough), but for now i’m just thinking about the characters.

the last thing that’s bouncing around in my head is ... hollyhock’s entire character. she struggles with the same thing bojack (and the rest of their family) does - the Bad Thoughts / mental illness. but she has a chance to handle it better because she (presumably, the dads seemed okay enough) didn’t grow up in that cycle of abuse, because.... well, basically because beatrice kind of .... saved her from it. because she knew the chances that hollyhock would end up like bojack if henrietta kept her and butterscotch tried to be a father again. or maybe that was just a lucky side effect of getting rid of a problem. 

also i think i’ll need a week and a rewatch to fully think about the doll/baby/Doll imagery, even though it did make me cry. but episode 11s in bojack are always the Tough Episodes anyway.

#go go personal post #bojack horseman #i'm just uh trying to start to get my feelings out ok #i'll probably have random other things to say but i'm still decompressing #long post #i deleted all my liveblogs in favor for this

[iamanartichoke]

Oh man.. I went to see endgame again and I want to like Thor in this movie I really do and am worried I'm a bad person for not but like, the tone feels all over the place with him, like the tragedy undercuts the humour but then the humour disrespects the tragedy. I can't get my head around this creative decision. What do you think?

First of all, you’re not a bad person for not liking Thor in this film. The negative reaction to how Thor is portrayed is pretty widespread, especially on Tumblr, and a lot of people share your opinion that his character was handled poorly. 

I ... *sighs* Here’s the thing. My immediate/general reaction was something like being stunned and second-hand embarrassed for Thor and really upset at the portrayal, because it really, really does feel like the narrative is framing Thor’s very real PTSD as a joke. Playing it up for laughs when there’s nothing funny about that level of loss and grief. 

I felt it was disrespectful, that it undermined not only Thor but those of us who suffer from mental illness and have unhealthy coping mechanisms. I felt like depression was being made fun of, like trauma was being made fun of, like weight gain/generally showing how far a person can sink into depression where they can’t take care of themselves was being made fun of. Furthermore, I have been especially furious that despite his trauma, Thor didn’t mention Loki even once, even when acknowledging literally everything else he’s lost besides Loki (family, Asgard, Jane). 

But. 

Everyone knows, because I have been obsessing about it for days, that I’ve discovered some really, really good during/post-Endgame Thor fic. Fic that manages to strike the balance between what we saw on-screen and what’s going on in Thor’s head. I have found fic that somehow manages to reconcile the two, showing how deep Thor’s trauma runs while still being consistent to what was portrayed on-screen. 

And in finding myself not only empathizing with Fic!Thor, but also feeling very protective of him and generally loving toward him, it also made me admit to myself that, when I watched Endgame, it was like two days before the release and I was watching a really shitty cam rip, where I missed 75% of what was really happening, due to poor sound and visual quality. 

So, tonight, I went back and rewatched it. Not in the theatre but I found a better cam version on Putlocker, with much better sound and video. I tried to be open-minded. And I had no idea how much I missed, when it came to Thor’s microexpressions and mannerisms and even what he was saying half the time. Watching it in better quality along with having the fics in my head has kind of ... brought me to an understanding of it, I think? In a way that I’m no longer furious about it, because I can sort of get behind the creative decision to show Thor just completely deteriorating and becoming something like an entirely different person than what he’s been before. Because mental illness and trauma do do that to a person. And I do think that it was a bold, but not necessarily a wrong, decision to go the opposite way in portraying the illness than what is usually shown in media. Usually, in films and tv, traumatized, depressed people are portrayed as stoic, and usually really thin, and scowly and brooding.

Thor in Endgame as a concept is taking that expectation and subverting it and showing the other end of the spectrum: that sometimes you are smiling and joking even though it’s an act, that you’re laughing on the outside while a weight is pressing down on you on the inside, that drinking to excess can cause weight gain, that eating as a coping mechanism can cause weight gain, that not caring about life can mean not caring about yourself and you don’t necessarily notice that it’s been a week since you washed your hair and two years since you cut it and what does it matter anyway, because you’re not going anywhere or doing anything or trying to impress anybody, you’re just putting one foot in front of the other and trying to make it through day by day until the universe finally decides to take pity on you and you die. 

And I get that, because I’ve been there, because a lot of people have been there, because it’s a very real, uncomfortable, visceral portrayal of someone who has just completely broken down - mentally, physically, emotionally. 

That all said - I understand the intention better now than I did before, but I do think that it fell flat. Instead of really delving into these things, the narrative played it like we were supposed to laugh at Thor. Not a single person, except for Bruce, asked Thor if he was okay. No one acknowledged that Thor might not be up for this mission. No one acknowledged that even if the snap was reversed, Thor will still have lost everything and he doesn’t get anything back. 

Thor is very visibly breaking down, and the others just roll with it. Worse, they make fun of him, what with the way they look at him and the way they act toward him and Rhodey’s stupid “cheeze whiz” joke. The narrative supports this view, especially with camera shots that emphasize Thor’s weight and general disheveled appearance. And the version I watched today was still filmed in a theatre, so I was able to hear all the places where the audience just laughed, even when Thor was obviously in pain and obviously needed sympathy rather than mockery. It smacks of fat shaming and general mental health shaming. And that’s not okay. 

I feel ... more generous toward Chris Hemsworth’s performance than I did before. On a second, closer viewing, I do think that his facial expressions and his delivery of his lines did show someone who was in deep pain, especially when it came to Thanos specifically (his change in demeanor when Bruce says his name, the way he begs to wear the gauntlet and “do something right,” the way he approaches Thanos in the final battle, among other moments). 

I also think, though, that Chris may have gotten too into the comedic aspect of it, too, and that probably contributed to Thor in general being played for laughs. Because Chris likes to laugh, and have fun, and screw around, and he’s said so himself. I think if Chris had a better understanding of mental illness than I assume he does, he might have been more willing to delve further into the emotional side and relied less on the comedic side. And if Chris wasn’t so anti-Loki, then I think we would have had a lot more acknowledgement of how much Loki’s death has contributed to Thor’s grief and mental state. 

Idk. It could have been better. The fics are better. But at the same time, I do get it now more than I did before. I’m not really crediting the Russos with that, bc they’re trash, but I do give Chris Hemsworth and his acting more credit than I did. And honestly, I give the fic writers credit bc reading them forced me to consider my point of view and whether or not I was looking at Thor too critically due to my general hatred of everything the Russos touch. 

So, yeah. Overall, it’s ... a complicated thing. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with it, but I’m not so anti it either, anymore. If that makes sense. 

I didn’t mean to write you a dissertation, Anon, so I’m sorry for the length. This has actually been on my mind for several days, though, so I kind of hopped on this ask and took it as an opportunity to write all of this out. I hope it makes sense. I hope people can understand where I’m coming from. And even if you can’t, please don’t @ me, I’m very tired. 

Anyway. Yeah. So that’s what I think. I hope this somewhat answered the question. XDD 

#asks #charlotte replies #endgame #charlotte bitches about endgame #endgame thor #tw fat shaming #tw mental illness #anti russo brothers #chris hemsworth critical #but also #chris hemsworth positive #a nonny mouse