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deadpool15 · 6 months

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Mommy Duties P.2

"Hola mi amigos, it's your girl Cassie. And today is a very special day. And before you hit me with the omg, she is finally having the baby comments. No, this thickass baby isn't coming until like 2 months from now. Anyways, today will be a pool day. So, I'm sure everyone knows that last time I visited Bada on set, and while I was there, Mina and some of the staff suggested I come to their little pool break. Now, it will be a bit difficult because, well, you know who isn't ready yet. Obviously, Corey is a toddler and feels the need to make everything difficult."

Cassie says dramatically while walking around the house, trying to gather all of Corey's things. Realizing, i forgot to pack his diapers, which is the most important thing. I laugh at the camera, looking around my room before sitting on to my bed, trying to figure out where the hell I put those diapers. "I swear I had them last night yall, shit just be disappearing in this house." I look down on the floor and see the diapers sitting right there still in the pack, turning around looking at the camera with a guilty smile on my face. "We just gonna edit that out, I don't need yall knowing my pregnancy brain be fucking with me ok. And while we are on the topic of kids, I just wanna let yall know how I raise mine is how we meaning me and my wife choose to raise our son. I've gotten comments saying all this and that while questioning my methods. Like first of all, I do say I will hit him sometimes when he does shit but I always just yell. I mean, I don't put my hands on him. I grey up with Dominican parents yall trust me I know what the fuck I'm doing. Second, aren't Asian parents known for giving their kids childhood trauma? How about yall ask yall kids why they are so afraid yo fail and depressed before you come at me. Thank you."

Now, after that moment, I managed to get Corey ready. "I got him ready off camera mainly because he was being a bit fussy. It's slightly earlier than when I usually wake him up, so bear with my baby yall." I state after grabbing all the items, including my son, who is currently in the process of going to sleep. Thank God for that. Hopefully, he will wake up with a lot of energy when we get there and get worn out. Carrying everything to my car with a sleeping baby and being pregnant, call me superwoman at this point. I unlock the car door and place everything inside, making sure that Corey is all tucked in before I start driving. I make my way towards the front of the car and sit down, getting ready to go. "Yall, be sitting there saying our heights are so funny to look at compared to Bada. Like, yall simply don't know the struggle. Every time I get in this vehicle, I have to adjust the seat before I drive. Like who can drive from all the way back here. The steering wheel is in Korea, and the drivers seat is in Japan. That's a time difference here, people. Anyways, I'm gonna be doing a little Q&A to keep yall preoccupied. So, yall don't have to focus on my side profile."

Luffy57-When did you and Bada decide to have kids?

Monsterhigh99-Why do you always call them Bada's kids, aren't they just technically yours?

I read the first two questions, trying to gather all the information before I start up the car so I won't have to keep looking down or anywhere else but the road while driving. "OK, to be honest, I didn't want kids like at all. I'm not saying you are supposed to like count kids out if you are with a woman. But me personally, I didn't want any. I just could never see myself as a mother, I didn't want to. But, I met Bada, and life kinda changed. Now, ywll don't go thinking just because you meet people, your perspective will automatically change. Bada didn't change my decision, I did. I envisioned a different life for myself. After doing some thinking, I decided." I said while looking at the camera for a split second and looking back at the road. Until we reached a red light. And I glance at Corey. "He always knocked out in the car."

I sit there for a while, thinking about food, to be honest. Then I remember the second question, and the light turns green, causing us to go back on the road again. "Right, my bad yall. So, wait, what was the question again? Ooo, right, so I obviously call them her kids because they are. I mean, we are both raising them, so it shouldn't matter about the little details. Second, technically, Corey is literally her son. He looks like both of us. Bada wanted to be more involved in the process when we decided that I would be the first runner-up to have the baby. She volunteered, even though she was scared too. But here, career was just taking off, and I refused to have her waste time when she was finally getting recognized. So, she offered to give me some of her eggs and stuff like that, and yea shit happens."

I look up and see the building, realizing we made it. I call Bada to help with stuff. Because I no longer feel like carrying all this shit anymore.

Myocean💖-Hello baby

Mywife💞-You mind introducing yourself to the exit to come help me carry all this stuff.

Myocean💖-And by stuff, do you mean our child and his things?

Mywife💞-Yes, before I randomly decide to make today not your day, if you keep sweet talking me Ms. Lee

Myocean💖-Whatever you say, baby. I'm on my way, Mrs. Lee

I hand up the phone smiling. "That's my baby yall." I giggle all girly like, and then I see Bada smiling at me through the window. "Omg, what is wrong with you? Couldn't you have told me you were here, out here scaring me." She opens the car door before looking me up and down, "and ruin your little moment. Nah, baby, I wouldn't do that. Are you wearing a top under that ?" I look down at my pink bathing suit top before looking up at her. "Baby, this is the top. I mean, it literally has long sleeves and stuff." She stares at me while poking her tongue on the inside of her cheek. She only does that when she is made or annoyed. "Now, would it happen to have long sleeves because you are trying to make for that fact that you happen to me wearing a thong under that skirt?" I just kiss her check telling her how much I love her.

After some minor issues with Bada, we finally make it into the building, with her carrying Corey, who, by the way, had finally woken up and chosen his favorite to spend the day with as always. "Crazy, how you hold a lid for 9 months only for them to come out picking the other as their favorite. I'm basically just a storage closet." She laughs at my remarks and kisses the corner of my lips, causing a whine to leave my lips. "Behave." I listen for the moment. We make our way inside, and I see all the girls playing in the water. I almost forgot that tsubakill members were eliminated. Then I see Mina running up to me. "Omg, you made it. I thought you weren't gonna come. Almost had to beg Bada to get you here." I turn around and look at Bada while hugging Mina.

"Of course, I made it. I mean, who would miss a free pool day." We chuckle at each other before she grabs my hand, and I turn to look a Bada seeing her motion towards Bebe. Letting me know where they will be. "I just thought with Corey and everything you would be busy, you know," she says while sitting us down, making sure to place a cushion under me. I nod as a sign of thanks. "I mean, he was eager to come when I told him this morning, though I think he completely forgot. He was only focused on the fact that I was waking him up early." We laugh together, and soon the whole crew of DeepnDap comes over, greeting me. Though, since I mainly know Mina, I stick with her throughout the day. We talk for what feels like hours. She gets a bit touchy after seeing her with her members. I notice that's just how she is. I can't help but feel a certain stare on me, knowing who it is I excuse myself.

I walk over to the table, grabbing something to drink. Until I hear breathing behind me, startling me. I turn and find Bada looking at me with a smirk on her face. "You scared the shit out of me, baby. Don't do that." She completely disregards my statement. "You and Mina seem to be getting along quite well, don't you think?" I grab my chest startled by her walking up on me. "Bada what the fuck, my heart can't take all that, and I don't know what you're talking about." Ofc I knew what she was talking about I just liked to fuck with her. How evil of me, right? "Well, whether you choose to know or not, you're off the market. I stare up at her now that she has gotten closer. "Is that so?" "Yes it is so. Because the moment I put that ring on your finger, actually fuck that the moment I looked at you, you were off the market. And now that you're carrying our baby, it just makes it better. Now tell her to back off before I have to do a repeat last night." I shyly turned to face the table again, making myself busy. "I don't know what you're talking about last night wasn't all that good." "O, really?"

Flashback

For the night, Bada's parents agreed to watch Corey. Saying they missed their grandchild, but I think it was simply for our alone time. Considering they winked at me while picking up Corey's toys. Bada's mom even told me to be careful and pointed to my stomach. But now that was long forgotten, well, at least by me. As I'm laid on all fours, completely at the mercy of Bada, with her constantly slamming her strap into me. "F-fuck... slow down...m. mmm." She leaned down and locked a bold strip of my neck, "really, I thought I wasn't moving fast enough. Now it's slow down. You just don't know what the fuck you want, huh? Just a greedy little whore." As she says that last word she makes sure to push in harder making me see stars. I didn't know whether I wanted her to go faster or slow down anymore. It all felt too good. The only thing anyone could her in or outside of the room was skin claps on skin claps. And of course, me screaming for my fucking life. "Just needed this can't filled, that all you ever need, huh? Just me." I can't register what she is saying anymore. "Y-yes fill it upp."

End Flashback

Bada is sitting there reminding me of everything that happened last night. "OK, ok, I'm sorry, I remember shit." I tell her, hoping she will stop embarrassing me before she drags me to the nearest bathroom. "Bada, we can't do that here. What about everyone? And Corey?" I ask already in fear and slight excitement of what she is doing. "Corey is sleeping." She states while turning me around, shoving me into the sink, though making sure not to hurt my stomach. She is always cautious about that. "And everyone else should mind their business and now their place. Which is not with my wife, much like Mina, correct?" I simply nod as she pulls down my thong bottoms and immediately shoves a finger in my pussy. "I fucked how many times last night and you're still fucking tight. So I have to fuck you open again, huh princess?" I look at her though the mirror before looking down in embarrassment.

"Look at the mirror right fucking now." I hurry and look up and make eye contact with her as she places another finger inside and rubs my clit hard. "Answer me, you know I don't like repeating myself. Remember your manners." I start to answer or try to, as all that comes out is a much of bullshit. "Y-yes please fuck me open. J-just f-uck me so good, Bada." She nods her head, getting down on her knees, causing me to grab her shoulders to stop her. "But-", she kisses my lips, shutting me up for the time being. "No more, talking baby, just let me eat, ok."

*request by @vachieve

#street woman fighter 2 #swf2 #street woman fighter x reader #bada lee x reader #bada lee #mina myoung

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barrenclan · 8 months

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imagine my surprise when the issue started WHOLESOME!!!!!! sure it was advertised as a baby issue but STILL!!!!! i fucking love cormorantpaw playing with them and giving them the childhood he couldn’t have, it makes me so happy. and he’s happy, too!! i’m sure if he heard what cootstorm said about them, he would have thrown hands. begging for more scenes of corm babysitting/playing with the kits, even in the bg. him being this happy about the babies being happy is just. AAA!!

of course, in patfw, wholesome bits can’t last forever. daffy is in the issue at what cost !!!! i love how she just casually drops it and YES I WANTED TO SEE HER REACTION BUT IT HURTS IT HURTS SO BAD. i love how complicated it is, daffodil’s feelings and pinepaw struggling to apologize due to how neither of them did wrong.. aagh. i love this causing daffodil to realize that she kinda forced herself to love cormorantpaw due to the circumstances, and her opening up about how she really thinks about romance! i know she deserves the love she can so easily give to others, and i love how just.. the cycle is still kinda referenced in this issue? not with dustfeather, but with cashew. i never thought we’d touch a cycle of abuse other than familial but i’m really happy we did now and it makes so much sense? abuse comes in many forms, after all!

mallowstar’s struggles of being a leader and blacknose’s struggles of being a mother, aaaaa. it’s so intertwined and so different and they really need eachother. also, more cycle discussion!!! mallowstar wanting to break free is sooo important to me, everyone needs that. hopefully the green isn’t defiance territory, though.. maybe if it is, throw cootstorm as a sacrifice and run

ALSO THAT ENDING???? HACKSAW GO AWAY I’M GONNA THROW HANDS RN 🤼🤼🤼🤼🤼🤼🤼🤼

i always love your writing and your expressions in these, keep up the great work!!

Hey, sometimes I do wholesome issues! They're not all depressing!

Cormorantpaw is the best babysitter ever, he's great with kids. He knows how to vibe on their level, and his lack of self-consciousness means he can really get into the spirit of a game or a kid's conversation.

PATFW when they ask me for emotional weight: hey what's all this emotional weight doing here??? Haha, I'm glad you liked the section with Daff, it wasn't always something I had planned to include in this issue but it ended up being necessary to resolve. Since Daff and Slugpelt are both very romantically-inclined characters (when Slug was young, at least), they share a lot of similar worries and needs, and having those problems that her mother faced unconsciously be consciously present in Daff's head has made her do a lot of thinking.

Mallowstar and Blacknose really are so good for each other, they're so sweet,, it's fun to write their interactions because it's just totally interpersonal drama-free. Mallow's been thinking about leaving for awhile, largely buoyed by Blacknose herself (the biggest BarrenClan radical), and I can confirm that the "western border" is opposite Defiance's territory, which is past the eastern border of BarrenClan territory. Hopefully they can get out in time!

But I can't end an issue in the second half of the comic without a little Horrors. :]

#ask #cormorantpaw #daffodilpaw #slugpelt #mallowstar #blacknose

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demonichikikomori · 3 months

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Hello! ♡

I've been trying to work up the nerve to send this ask but I just wanted to say thank you for enjoying my writing!

I'm so honored that a writer as talented as you follows me and enjoys my work! (I was so surprised when I found out we were following each other!) I'm especially excited to see that you write for Hypnosis Mic (Your Samatoki x Reader fic is just...I don't even know how to describe it I just love it that much, and I'm not even a Samatoki fan! lol) and I can't wait to see what you write next! ♡

Also, I'm so happy to see other Uta no Prince-Sama fans, as I noticed you liked and reblog my Syo x Reader story! Is there a particular character or group that's your favorite? If so, I would love to know!

I apologize if this message seems odd since I know we have never really interacted before but I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am, and how much I love your writing!

Thank you! ♡

AAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s nice to meet you officially!! I noticed we became mutuals a hot second ago but… I was too scared to say anything!! Sometimes I get worried about the content I make and if it might be kinda off putting so I get scared to reach out to blogs cuter than mine!!!!! <3 <3 <3 Thank you for visiting my inbox!!!!!!!!! I really like how you write Ruggie and when you made something for Syo… I had so many intense emotions in my heart I couldn’t bring myself to speak… I got back into HypMic recently (I discovered it in 2019 when I was at bandcamp and I remember when they announced the two new groups when I was in school!) and I decided to try writing for a character a friend of mine likes! … I didn’t realize how empty the tags are for HypMic x reader content… It’s kinda depressing… Feel me? There are so many cuties in the series! Just because it’s overseas people shouldn’t let a language barrier hold them back!! Feel the music on your soul and look on YouTube for event translations!!!!!!!

But, anyway!! I want to definitely write more HypMic since I’m a bit burnt out on Twst… That’s all I wrote for a good two years so I need to switch it up… At least for a bit. I have a post queued up for tomorrow about the Peel My Orange test?? I think I’m biased as I’m writing the Headcanons but this is my blog and I can do whatever I want!~!

ALSO YES THATS ALSO WHY I FOLLOWED YOU!!!!!!! AHHHH I SAW YOUR MASATO BANNER AND I WANTED TO SCREAM!!! Ever since UtaPri shut down I have been rocking back and forth wondering what I’m going to do without my first love. I even went as far as to downloading a PSP rom just so I can play the original VN. I will pretend the MC girl is not there so I don’t have to see her kissing MY boyfriend. Technically husband since we’ve been together for such a long time. Syo-Sama loves me the most in the entire universe, no one knows him better than me!! Syo is perfect in all ways!! He’s masculine and can enjoy traditionally feminine things like painting his nails and styling himself in pink. He’s not too tall so kissing him is super easy. He’s very passionate about the things he likes. He’s willing to better his body even after being told he won’t make it past 12?? Oh my goodness when I first played the game back when it first came out, let me tell you… I had seen the light… I am a super big fan of STARISH and at one point I was an Otoya girl… But Syo reigned me back in very easily. His voice lines for birthdays, White Day, Valentines, and his own… I really, really like Syo. Honestly? He’s the character I can say is a comfort character to me? I had a rough childhood and him greeting me when I logged in or asking if I would eat dinner with him… He seriously is the best in the whole wide world!! <3 <3 <3

Please don’t see it as odd coming to say hi!! I really like making friends even if I’m scared to take the first step!! Please tell me lots about you and don’t be scared to DM me either!! Let’s talk about our faves together and hopefully I can make more content that you secretly want to see!! HypMic related on the way… But I’ll have to write for UtaPri too… Wahhhhh my heart is going crazy. I’m a little scared, but excited too!~!

#ask the devil #⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧sugarcookiesheep

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tellywoodtrash · 1 year

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Hey TT. I have my NEET PG exam coming up in 4 days and underprepared, uninterested, depressed, anxious and a whole lot of other adjectives. It feels like i did a big blunder becoming a doctor and coming into this field. I have zero interest left in this field. But nobody outside will understand if I want to leave this field because doctor bannke kon chod deta hain. Don't even know if i can leave this and do something else because I come from a middle class family and have a single parent.

I'm already 27 and jobless. At this point it feels like I want a PG seat only to get a good rishta and settle in life. I do want it. A good partner. A nice companion ship. I want to be happy. Would it be so bad to take any non clinical seat and be satisfied with a 60k 70k salary for the rest of my life? This move is a career suicide in my field literally. People will look down upon me and I'm already dealing with this immense pressure since childhood to be ultra succesful in life and help my mom. My mom is supportive but I can't help being guilty for all the sacrifices she made for me and my education and I won't even give her the satisfaction of a succesful child. All I want is to be peaceful and happy. Will it ever get better?

Hi friendddd,

First of all big hugs. 🫂🫂🫂 I know perfectly the feeling of putting in the years and effort only to realize that the career isn't working out for whom you are as a person. Been there, done that.

I personally am of the opinion (and you are fully welcome to disagree) that if you are finding it intolerable to trudge through a day in a certain profession, then it's better to leave it. Fuck what people outside or even INSIDE the career think. Medicine is very very hard (in every way; academically, physically - depending on your area, and emotionally) and a soul-grinding kinda job and not everyone is made for it. And if you have zero interest in it anymore...... Well, there's your answer. Patients who come to a doctor deserve to have someone who is invested in making them better. If you feel like you don't have that to give (and that's in no way a bad thing! not everyone is capable of it!) then why put yourself through becoming a doctor? Look up the concept of "sunk cost fallacy". I think that's what you're experiencing right now.

You said your mom is supportive and you want to help her out. So I want you to carefully sit and think about this: Which do you think will work out for both of your happiness long term? Pushing yourself into a big career that you can't sustain long-term, which could lead to burnout and then her having to support you again; or making a side-step into a non-clinical field which may start small and not flashy, but you can successfully commit to long-term, and thus build up a career in eventually? Trust me, any good parent just wants their child to be healthy and happy. All the money in the world cannot buy those things. I would suggest you have an honest talk with your mom and tell her that you're struggling, but also feeling an immense amount of guilt that you may be letting her down. I am sure she will want you to pick the option that makes you feel better in the long run. You have nothing to prove to anyone else. It's just between you and her.

As for the rishta thing, again, you want a life partner who is going to understand when you feel like this (and we go through things like this many a time in life; unfortunately, this is what adulthood is) and be a supportive companion through it. So look for a partner who has compassion and empathy and can understand why you made such a decision, rather than one who just looks at the job title you hold and your take-home package.

It WILL get better. But for it to get better, you will have to make some unconventional choices and not care what other people think or say. Once you are at peace with yourself, you will not care for outside opinions anyway.

I am sending you all the love and strength I have. Hope everything works out for the best of your health and happiness! 🤗🤗🤗

#tt answers #big sister tt gives life advice

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false-kingdom · 2 years

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TRIGGER WARNING: There's gonna be some talk about IRL abuse and slight mention of su*icide. If that's not something you want to see, keep on keepin' on. I never talk about my own childhood so this is probably gonna get a little dark but I feel like it'll be cathartic for me to do it and it's important to the point I'm trying to make. May be a long read but I feel like it's something that needs to be said. Try to catch typos but I'll probably miss some bein' on mobile.

So, there's been a bit of Bo slander going around and I kinda wanted to say somethings about it. This topic has been bothering me for awhile but it's been popping up more so it's been on my mind. I feel this way about a lot of characters but this is the one that I'm most bothered by. I feel like a lot of slashers or 'bad' characters in horror movies get labled as pure evil right off the cut. If it's shown there was abuse to them, people swipe it under the rug and pretend that it doesn't exist because murder = evil, no exceptions. They only see the aftermath and refuse to uderstand or acknowledge what caused it. Then in turn, the people who relate to those characters and talk about the abuse, get hate for it because we're making 'excuses' because we think they're 'hot'.

HOW is one of my top three favorite horror movies for one reason and one reason only; I see myself in Bo. Hard.

I was raised by a neglectful and emotionally/mentally abusive parent. From as earliest as I can remember until I was disowned at 17 for FINALLY putting my foot down and refusing to bow to them. It was BAD and at 27 I am STILL dealing with that trauma and the invisible scars it left behind. They didn't want to deal with my behavioral issues so they just used force to get me to be 'normal' and yell when I wasn't. It wasn't until I got older that I realized a lot of my issues steemed from ADHD that gave way to anxiety and depression. I'm not in a position to get checked out for BPD but it's probably likely due to it being heavy in my family.

When I first watched HOW at 16 I stayed in bed for two days afterwards because of how much I saw myself in Bo and Vincent and their implied abuse and how they acted. It was even more terrifying because my mothers maiden name is Sinclair. Which, by the way, almost made me stop watching the movie because FUCK. Hell, I even lived in Georgia for awhile as a kid and have a southern accent when I'm angry. The similarities were too eerie and I refused to watch the movie again for years because it hit too close to home.

I had selective mutism as a child and stuttered when I did have to speak. Which would lead to being yelled at more. I still struggle with it now. I couldn't explain what I was feeling to ANYONE. I felt too much all the time and I was too small to understand it. I would scream and throw things. Lash out in anger because anger was the only emotion I ever saw. I was MEAN to people. Cruel at times even. As a teenager and into my early 20's I was not a good person to be around. I lashed out at anyone and everyone.

I started smoking at 12 and drinking at 13. It made me FEEL something. All through JR high and most of HS I went to school buzzed because it made everything quieter. Easier to handle. I even tried ending my own life at one point because I thought it would be easier than the hell I was living. I was 13 when I tried and failed, making me feel even worse. The abuse only amped up when my sibling left. I was blamed for it because I was too much to be around. I was told I was the reason our family was torn apart and I was just a mistake that should have never happened. I was the 'bad' one. Self-hatred became very really. And I still feel myself suffocating in it sometimes.

I dealt with all of the weight of everything completely alone. Stuck in my own head and drowning in the weight of everything being to much. To loud, to bright. To everything. I watched the movie again at 25 and almost rooted for Bo and Vincent to come out on top. Which made me realize I needed to get help, because obviously murder isn't good. Duh. I spent a year focused on myself to try and get to a point where I felt 'normal'. Which I realized is never going to happen. My brain isn't wired to BE normal. No one's is. You don't get fixed, you just get better at handling it. It doesn't go away it just gets quieter.

I don't condone Bo's actions(or any other slashers) and I never will because Bo, honey, killing people isn't a good thing. But I also refuse to ignore that it is a very real outcome of abuse. NOT THE ONLY OUTCOME BUT STILL AN OUTCOME. He's not evil or the devil. He's hurting and broken and painfully HUMAN. He never got the chance that I did to get help. Most people don't. He was only taught pain and never kindness. He was told he was a monster and it was all he knew. By all these people ignoring that their actions are a product of abuse, you are telling real surviors that we are never going to be anything but BAD. That we're only bad because we want to be and not because we we're made that way and are struggling. We are not using his trauma as an excuse to justify his actions because we think he's hot. We are acknowledging that abuse happened and is the CAUSE of his actions.

Abuse is real and has lasting consequences that can be ugly when steps to get help aren't taken or available to be taken.

I think I said all that I could think to say. This applies to all slashers that have been shown to have abusive backgrounds.

Side note, ya'll need to be nice to @grease-daddy. Man's doin' his best and your all out here ripping him to shreds. I understand you Bo. Don't agree with your coping methods....but I understand you. If I still smoked, I sit with you and have one. I'd have a drink with ya though as long as yer buyin'.

That was ROUGH to type out. I'm literally shaking from adrenaline holy crap. I want a cookie. Or maybe a hug.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk. I'm gonna go scream into a pillow in a corner somewhere to make myself feel better.

#bo sinclair #slashers #vincent sinclair #lester sinclair #how 2005 #house of wax #horror

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coreyww · 2 years

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The zero-bs reason I sometimes have long writing hiatuses

Hey guys, honestly this isn't going to be a dire post or a sad post in case you saw the title and are worried about that. It scratches the edge of personal stuff but I'm not gonna talk about anything like too upsetting. Mainly what brought this on is I saw the new EyepatchWolf video about Berserk which I had Relatable Feels got reflective and realized I should probably like...explain that to anyone who reads my fics and wonders why updates just like...stop sometimes.

The short of it is that the past few years I kinda realized my drive to write was rootes by a desire to express myself and connect with people at times when, because of bad circumstances starting in childhood, I didn't feel like I was able to express myself and connect with people any other way. It's kind of a sad fact that the periods of my life when I've been the most productive have been periods where a lot of unhappiness was going on in the background. Sometimes I'm aware of the Real Shit going on that fuels the desire to write, other times (and this is the stuff that really started to mess with me when I noticed) Real Shit was happening I could only perceive and express on a subconscious level. I'm not trying to imply everything I've ever written was done so while I was depressed or anything cause that's not true...but it seems like a lot of the innate desire to create started as a defense mechanism from childhood that still kicks in sometimes.

Mostly in recent years the hiatuses have come up because I'm like... A lot healthier than I used to be, if that makes sense? Like some real stuff can and has occured in those hiatuses but like...I'm generally a lot better off now than I was at my most productive (and way WAY better off than I was as a child). Like I have a support system, I have friends who I talk to, I have a family, I'm actually social, I take medication for the issues all the above still can't fully resolve. Its something I was kinda afraid to say out loud but like...writing started for me when I was at a place where I needed it, truly, because there was no other way to express myself. And things aren't as dire and I don't need it in the same way I used to.

Which makes things hard sometimes cause the desire to create is still there, but I've found that trying to force it when I'm not propelled by like that drive of like... Express Something That I Have To Express For My Own Health has mixed results. I've made a few really cool things since Kinda Sorta knowing this was the root cause, but sometimes I've found forcing it too much will lead me to just stress and feel bad, actually distancing me from happiness rather than helping me find it, which is what the hobby started as.

So it's kinda like the tide now? When it's there, it's there, but when it's not it's not. And that kinda sucks in some ways, which might be weird to hear after everything else I've said. I am definitely glad I'm happier and healthier now but after you spend a lot of your life getting kinda good at writing, you also wish you could just turn it on at will when you want XD. That's kinda where I'm at now. Like I am going to keep trying to create, but I'm not gonna do it at the expense of my own happiness and everything else, so it's the thing of trying to have that balance.

So that's kinda what that whole deal is. If you're a fan of the stuff I've written, I hope you can understand. Sorry if this is a weird post. I usually don't get very personal on here but considering I've never given a good reason about that, I thought it'd be good too. People will probably say I wasn't obligated to really do that and maybe I wasn't, but in my real life now I try to be very genuine so I figured this post might have that same spirit I guess.

Thank you all for reading and have a great night.

#personal

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sealcontent · 2 years

Text

a few not too deep thots about depression

it's weird living in a deep depression for a significant period of your life (like the majority of your adolescence lol) and then coming out of it and looking back on the events of that period and reevaluating them. when you remove the Misery and Self-Hatred filters you start to see shit you missed and shit you misinterpreted.

in my case, i think my depression made me miss/misinterpret a lot of attempts by other people to reach out to me. like, i can remember multiple people/friend groups i met through a class or an extracurricular in college who invited me to hang out with them or go to parties with them, sometimes multiple times, and somehow, i hated myself so fucking much that i never realized that that meant they liked me and wanted to be my friend. or even if i did realize it on some level, i was too miserable and filled with doubt to let myself believe them. so i just spent the entire experience feeling like an unwanted extra wheel. and the friendship always petered out because i was so fucking guarded and locked up in my unhappiness that i could never meet ppl halfway

there are similarly certain crushes i had that i have always assumed were 100% one-sided because at the time i felt too fat, ugly, sad, and weird for anyone to ever be interested in me back. but when i look back now i'm like 🤔. hm. was that u flirting with me. was that us flirting with each other. is it possible the vibe i felt between us was so powerful because it was mutual and you were vibing too. interesting

kinda sux bc that was definitely the (or at least a) prime friend and relationship-making period in my life and i missed it. and missed out on all the practice that a lot of other people were getting. although you know what, as fucked up as i was i managed to come out of it with a few cool ass friends i care a lot about, which is great. love you fuckers

GOD i wish i was not still saddled with all of these MALADAPTIVE COPING MECHANISMS some of which go back as far as my UNHAPPY CHILDHOOD

(sidenote, the mom of one of my closest friends growing up apparently once said "halie is the most depressed child I've ever seen." she was right)

but yeah i think i just have a deeply ingrained compulsion to soothe myself that goes way back, and as it turns out the compulsion is now a whole beast of its own and i think i might need to get back into therapy to unpack that shit.

final grim thought: i am aware that depression is often cyclic and i worry sometimes that even though i feel the best i've felt in years right now, i'm basically at the whims of my own hormones and chemicals and i could start feeling bad again at any time, now or in 50 years. like it could very well happen again. but i guess if it does..... it Does

#musing abt how i used to be mega depressed and now am not #be cool and dont reblog

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yetanotherreader · 4 years

Text

Useful—6(1)

Genre: College AU

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Y/N Y/L/N

Summary: The school's most popular boy wants to be friends with Y/N, out of the blue. It definitely doesn't have anything to do with her hot best friend, though.

Word Count (For the chapter): 6,367

Warnings (For the chapter): Fluff, Mentions of Depression, suicide attempts, murder, angst, panic attack, fluff, more fluff?

A/N: Well, hello there. First of all, THANK YOU. I mean it, thank you so much. You guys are so supportive, it makes me feel I don't deserve y'all. And since I made you wait extra long for this chapter, I wrote an extra long chapter. Does it make up for the delay?

Just got to know I can't make a post this long so I'm going to post this chapter in two parts. If you're patient enough, please do read. Thank you.

Useful Masterlist

Chapter 6(1)

Chapter 5

"Really now? That's where you bring me?" Dean said, as you rolled your eyes at his, pretty much, failed attempt at hiding the excited little girl he was being.

"Stop, huh. Stop acting like you don't enjoy this." A mischievous smile formed on his lips when you said it at god knew what he thought.

"But theme park rides? What are we? Babies?"

"Babies go on theme park rides?" You looked at him, amused by the stupidity that practically dropped off every word of that sentence, "Alright, grandpa, you can sit at a side while I go enjoy those rides alone. Come on, Dean!"

"Only because you insist." He said as he grabbed your hand and dragged you through the gates. You didn't even remember visiting a theme park, it's been that long you came to one. It was beautiful and you already were ready to jump into every ride you find. It was mesmerizing.

Painfully mesmerizing. Just a reminder of how you fucked up your childhood. But you were going to enjoy today. You had come here with your best friend, and nothing—no haunting past memories—was going to make you less happy about today.

"Here, sunshine," amidst your thoughts, you didn't even realize when Dean's hand slipped out of yours and he went. You shook your head to break the chain of thoughts.

Dean stood there, with a kid grin on his face, holding two candy floss in either of his hands. The sight was to behold, as something inside you did a somersault, and just like that all the dark memories faded away as you took the blue one from him.

"You're gonna leave me with the pink one?" He pouted, giving you one of his puppy dog eyes, which he claimed he learned from his little brother.

"Not working on me, Dean. Go tell Sam he wasn't a good teacher." You said, chuckling. And you couldn't have misheard it for the death of you, Dean giggled. Actually, giggled. Like a baby. It made your heart flutter inside your ribs and just like that, you let your eyes linger on his freckled face for longer than it was appropriate for a friend.

"Do you think we should go to that place first?" You followed Dean's gaze and shook your head seeing a small 'pie stall'.

"So typical of you, jade boy." You arched your eyebrows at him, "what d'ya say we go on some rides and tire ourselves a little before that?

He pouted, again, the cutest pout you've ever seen, as you laughed at the ridiculousness of his face, "that face does not suit you, Dean. Get back at being that tough guy."

He followed behind, as you made your way to the stall. He beamed,"As if you don't die to kiss it off my lips all the time."

"Watching too many chick flicks these days, huh, Winchester?" You responded, too quickly, without turning to look at him and let him see your flushed cheeks. Comments like these made you want to think if Dean sees you like someone more than just his best friend too, if he ever had thoughts of both of you together in more than the way you were. It wasn't something that happened all the time, but sometimes you liked to wonder. Dean was everything that a good guy could be, and much more than you deserved. You could never make that place in his heart. And definitely not with how you looked.

Sitting down on one of the small tables, you sighed. Licking the candy straw one last time, you tossed it in the dustbin that wasn't too far away from where you seated. Dean let out an amused laugh, "My kinda girl!"

You looked at him taking a seat in front of you on one the plastic chairs, with a scrunched up nose and a sheepish smile, "What even?" You laughed a little, "Your kinda girls lick it off the stick, now?"

Dean almost choked on his floss before smirking at you, "yeah, yeah they do."

It took you a moment before you realized what you just said and you hid your face in your hands, "Oh my god, Dean! Shit shit shit, I didn't mean it like that!"

By this time, Dean was doubling over laughter. He kept his forehead on his fists in order to hide his face as he kept laughing.

"Alright stop okay, it wasn't even that big a deal." You scoffed, embarrassed, trying to stifle your own laugh. Dean's smile was contagious, especially when he was like this—laughing his heart out with an almost red face while his eyes crinkled in those gorgeous crow feet which were starting to become your weakness, "Oh god, Dean, stop."

And just like that you both were laughing, unbothered by the people around giving you crazy looks. For the first time in a very very long time, you didn't care about how you looked while laughing. It just came naturally with him, easier,"Your face...you should have seen your face." He took a deep breath, regaining his ability to speak, "I'll go bring us the pie."

"I'm paying!" You yelled after him, as the smile faded away from your lips. You knew he didn't mean it like that, he never would but the voice in the back of your head was hell bent on convincing you otherwise. He just meant it in a funny way, like you would if you said something like this to someone, but for some reason you couldn't help but think there was something about your face that forced a laughter out of him. If he thought your face was funny or weird, or if he thought you were ugly but was just too nice to say it directly. Your heart felt heavy, and suddenly you wanted some air. Your self doubts were the worst thing. They never let you enjoy, worse they always ended up ruining your days. You subconsciously pulled out your phone and looked at your dark reflection, observing just how flawed your face was. Every little scar looked back at you, the little milia under your eyebrows or your not-so-cute nose. You hated looking at yourself, face or elsewhere, it felt like you were made of flaws. And if you couldn't love them yourself, why would someone else? You shook your head, it wasn't the time for this. Today, you came here to spend some time with your best friend. Hating yourself could wait for later.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Dean's soft voice shook you out of your trance.

"Uh-actually.. nothing. Where's the pie?"

"It's coming. What's up with you, really? One moment you're being all adorable and the next you're serious like this. Are you okay?"

Adorable. That's what he meant. He doesn't think you're ugly.

Or maybe he does?

You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to silence your thoughts, but in vain. They kept getting louder, telling you to just stand up and walk away from him.

You don't deserve a good friend like him, you'll ruin his life too.

You knew where this was heading, and if you didn't stop it now you're going to make a clown out of yourself in the middle of a fxckin' fair. You tried to take a deep breath, your shaky hands came up to your ears trying to stop the voice, but it felt like you didn't even know how to breathe.

"Hey, hey, hey," You heard a familiar voice at a distance, "Y/N!" You felt two warm, big hands on yours, and you opened your eyes to see concerned green orbs looking back, "You're okay, I'm here."

It took you a second or two to register what was happening, and it felt like a bucket of cold water thrown on you. You were here, in front of Dean who knelt in front of you, looking like a weakling. This wasn't supposed to happen, this was supposed to be his day. You pulled your hands away from underneath his to make a hold of his wrists and slowly remove his palms from your face, "I'm..I'm okay. Just fine."

Dean's brows furrowed in confusion at the hint of cold in your tone, followed by a subtle clench in his jaw. He stood up, took a step back and looked away, with a stoic expression, "Yeah. You're okay."

You breathed out his name, still a little shaky and out of breath. You knew you needed him, but something held you back. You were so used to dealing with everything by yourself, that having someone now just felt weird.

"It's fine, Y/N. But I'm here, okay? And I'm not going anywhere," his few words of reassurance meant a lot more to you than you cared to admit. He walked up to you and held your hands pulling you on your feet, "Need a hug?"

You bit your lip, not sure how to tell him that you did. Fiddling with your fingers, you looked up at him through your lashes to see him smile and mumble an 'idiot' as he engulfed you in his embrace. It was a full bear hug, and it was funny someone like Dean gave it to you. He was a huge softie for a tough guy he acted like.

"See it wasn't that hard," he said nuzzling your neck, and if you didn't know any better you would think this intimate gesture had a meaning.

"Shut up, dork," you giggled, feeling his stubbles tickle at your nape, "You're so touchy."

"Don't tell anyone though," He pulled away, looking at your grinning face with a soft smile, arms still around you, "So now, listen here. We are going to eat that delicious pie, I'm taking the bigger piece, till we gain a couple extra pounds and we are going to go have fun and we won't give your pretty little brain enough time to go south."

"Sounds about right!" You beamed.

The next hour was spent having the time of your life. The rides you'd never been on before, you did now, and if you were being honest to yourself, you had never had so much fun before. You wondered why you never had it when you were a kid. Dean was so good with the bumper cars, you just realized how interested he is in cars again. It was funny to see him trying to fit, though. It took awhile for him to adjust his large frame in that tiny car, whilst you laughed your ass off. He made sure to take revenge, though, and bumped his car in yours again and again. And then there was the mechanical bull. Your favourite. It was the first time you sat on one, and boi did you underestimate it. You, even, challenged Dean calling it 'easy peasy' and all he did was smirk at you. You should have understood it wasn't as easy as you thought it was. You barely lasted a few seconds before being thrown off, and this time it was Dean's turn to laugh. Dean lasted on it for almost a minute, yelling 'Yee Haw' making everyone laugh.

Two old ladies came up to you while you goofed around with your drinks, and you found out they were together. They almost fangirled over you both, telling you stories of how they sneaked out of their houses to go to carnivals and how much you kids reminded them of their youth. You almost choked on your coke while Dean seemed to enjoy it, "Right? Y/N and I have been together since high school. Her parents didn't allow her to date back then, and we sneaked away to meet. You won't believe it, our first kiss was scandalous. Right, sweetheart?"

You stared at him with a mouth agape, what the hell was he high on? You narrowed your eyes at him and he looked at you mischievously, as if challenging you to continue. Oh, this could be a game of two. You smiled at him, as you turned your head towards the couple looking at you both with starstruck eyes, "It was my first kiss. It's kind of funny. I made this one wait three months before I actually let him kiss me, and that was the kiss of a lifetime. Not because it was perfect, but because it wasn't. He was staying at his uncle's with his little brother, Sam that day. His Uncle just happened to be my neighbour. He sneaked out in the middle of the night, climbed up to my room. We were watching a movie, cuddling and it just kind of happened. He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. Like I said, it was my first so I didn't know how to kiss him back. He thought I didn't want it, so he apologized. Kept saying sorry with that adorable face until I had to stop him." You looked up at him, again, with a smirk as he looked back intrigued, "with a kiss."

He arch his brow, clearly enjoying this as the shorter woman cooed. You wiggled your brows at him, and he took it as his cue to continue, "and that took my breath away. We made out on her bed, while her parents were just a room away. That was the hottest thing I had ever experienced, well until something else happened of course," He smirked again, looking at you as you bit your lip in anticipation of what's coming next. His eyes traveled down to your lips at your little action, "She's the hottest thing you'll ever see, not that you will, when she takes control. She looks innocent and all, but she's a wild kitten in bed. And then there are times when she completely surrenders, letting me have my way with her-"

"Too much information, babe!" You squeaked. Your eyes wide and cheeks flushed as you stared at his face, his expressions mischievous. He smirked, snaking his arms around your waist pulling you possessively to him. This was the closest you'd ever been to him, physically, and you were afraid he could feel your heart thumping in your ribs as your chests pressed with his.

He looked at you with a winning expression and whispered in your ears, "Lost so soon, wild kitten?" You could feel your ears heating up and you knew very well he saw it too. This wasn't how it was going to be, he wasn't going to know that he had that power on you, even though he did and let him tease you about it for the rest of your life. You were going to take the winning shot. You stood on your tiptoes, slowly pressing your lips to the side or his mouth, letting them linger for a second or two as you whispered a 'no' against his skin. You pulled away, looking back at his flushed face. You made Dean Winchester blush, you deserved a goddamn medal. After a moment the reality of the situation hit you. You just almost kissed your best friend. It was a game, and you hoped it didn't ruin things between you two. Your best friend mattered to you more than a silly crush you had on him.

"Oh my god, you two are so cute!" The shorter woman squealed, effectively pulling you out of your thoughts, pulling both of you out of them. You saw her looking at you with an awed face, while her taller wife scolded her a bit, "Sorry, I just get a little excited around young couples."

"It's okay, we didn't mind." Dean spoke politely, his hands still around your waist, "but I think we should get going. It's going to get dark in a couple more hours."

Walking out of the small hut, you didn't know how to form words. You couldn't believe you did that, you just hoped Dean let it past. It was so awkward, and you knew he could feel the tension too. Great, you just ended your most beautiful friendshi-

"So, uh-" Dean started, trying to cut through the tension, "First kiss, huh?"

"High school girlfriend, huh?"

"Well," he chuckled, "You won't deny it was fun. I mean, now that I think of it, we can make a pretty good couple."

You laughed, all the tension leaving your body at his fun tone, "You bet. A pretty good, scandalous couple, who make out in the room next to my parents."

He laughed, throwing his head back this time, "Wild kitten? How ridiculous."

"That part got me. What was going through your mind when you said that?"

"A lot of things. Fantasizing my best friend? Scandalous, enough?"

"Oh my god, Dean" you laughed, trying to hide your blush as Dean threw his arms around your shoulders, "Let's go there, I still want a ride."

"On me?"

"Shut up."

You stood in front of the giant ride, eyes beaming with excitement. You wanted to go on it as soon as you entered the park. Loop-o-plane. "Let's do it!"

"I-I am not going anywhere near that thing," You frowned and looked at your best friend only to have him look ahead with saucer-like eyes.

"Why?" You whined.

"What if that thing comes out?"

"What thing?"

"That thing that's keeping this thing in place."

You looked at him like he's grown horns, "No it won't."

"But what if it does?"

"Do you trust me?"

"With my life," his voice went soft, you turning to look at him, as his voice grew high again, "but I don't trust that thing. It's a machine, Y/N. You should never trust a machine. What if that belt breaks and we fall down and die? I hate hospitals!"

You grinned amused by his childishness, "We won't fall down, Dean, and you won't have to go to the hospital."

"Nah."

You sighed, "Alright, you can stay here and I'll go. Is that okay, now?"

His eyes grew wider, "Y/N Y/L/N, no. I know you ain't all that fond of your life but I'm not letting you get yourself killed."

"What-what even? I'm not going to get myself killed. Please, De? Please, please, please, please, pretty please?"

"Don't give me that look," you flashed him your most innocent pleading face as he glared at you, "Argh, if we die, we die together. I hate you so much."

"All the love back." You grinned, pulling him by his arms.

The next two minutes were the longest two minutes of your life. Dean screamed like a little girl, clinging to you until you couldn't feel your eyes and hand anymore. It was fun and it was torture. When you got off the ride, both of you were a little shaken, rather Dean was a lot.

"See! I told you it'll be fun." You said, cautiously, as Dean glared at you. He walked faster until he was ahead of you, "Aye grumpy soldier, come on!"

"I am never hanging out with you ever again. You little, you little-"

"Little what?" You ran up to him, and grinned, "Wild kitten?"

You could have sworn you saw his lips curl up a bit. He looked at you, narrowing his eyes, "You aren't my best friend. You're an enemy in disguise. Who sent you?"

"Lucifer!" You giggled.

"Or are you satan?"

"Hey!" You whined as he laughed circling his arms around your shoulders. You let out a little yawn, "I'm tired."

He smiled down at you, his face looking shades of pink from the setting sun. His freckles stood out darker than usual. He was a sight, so beautiful, "Let's take you home, sleepyhead."

By the time you were on the road, it was pretty dark. You sang loudly to the radio with Dean, all the tiredness leaving your body. It turned out to be the best day of your life. You, your best friend shutting the world out and living your best life.

"Dean, stop!"

"What? Why?"

"Pull over, pull over." Dean pulled over at the side of the road as you stepped out, Dean following suit, "Look at that."

Dean followed your gaze, his breath hitching at the beautiful scene in front of him. There were a couple of swans in the middle of the lake, bowing their heads in front of each other under the moonlit sky, "Wow.."

"They are mating," You whispered.

"Mating as in banging?" You couldn't help but chuckle lightly at Dean's genuine curiosity, "What?"

"No, not yet at least," You said, keeping your voice low, "They are surrendering themselves to each other. For a lifetime. The heart they're making, it's their courtship ritual. They flutter their wings, sing and dance and bow down to each other offering each other their lifetimes. They are said to be epitome of true love. Some of them even die of heartbreak if their mate dies before them."

Dean looked at the sight, awestruck. He never saw something like this before. He could all but whisper, "That is beautiful. You think such love exists between humans?"

"Like soulmates? I don't know. I never saw any. Most of the people I saw are either together because they have to, or just break each other's hearts. You?"

"Don't know. About what you said, my parents loved each other a lot. I don't know if I can love like that though."

"Maybe when the right girl comes?"

"When the right girl comes." He looked at you with a small smile and soft eyes. You, once again, read his features. He was the most beautiful man you'd ever seen, and it reminded you everyday why you would never be deserving of him. The moonlight danced on his face gracefully, and it almost took your breath away. He was gorgeous.

"You think we can go anywhere near them? Will they run away?

You shook your head lightly, pulling yourself out of your long shot of a dream, "No they won't run away, they will attack."

"Oops"

"But we can sit a little far away from them, see that bench?" You nodded to a bench near the lake, away from the swans, "Wanna sit for a while?"

He nodded, excitedly as you made your way to the bench with your hands held together, "Y/N," Dean whispered looking at you as you sat on the worn out wooden bench, "Thanks for today. It's the most fun I had in years."

"Me too." You smiled back at him.

There was a shift in the atmosphere, which you couldn't quite comprehend. It was different with Dean tonight, almost intimate. His hand never left yours as you sat by the side of the river and you didn't try to pull away either. It felt perfect. You took a leap of faith shifting closer to him, and dare you say if it were a fragment of your imagination, you saw a little smile on his face. His thumb caressed the back of your hand, and you knew whatever it was tonight would be an unspoken story by the morning. None of you will speak a word about it, but you wanted to cherish it right now. You put your head on his shoulder and he let out a sigh, returning the gesture and bringing your joined hands to his lap. You sat together in silence, seeing the mute swans at a distance singing out their love for each other.

"I'm sorry," you whispered after a while.

"For?" He whispered back, none of you wanted to break the trance you were in.

"For yesterday. I was a bitch, you didn't deserve that."

He sighed, "Sweetheart, don't beat yourself up for that."

"I don't understand why you put up with me. All I do is hurt you."

"You know what you do? You cheer me up when I'm down. You hug me outside a party house when you see that I'm struggling. You join me for movies on Friday nights and I absolutely love that. And you know what more? When you think you messed up, you come and make up for it. You don't just let it pass, or get away with it. You don't go back to being friends again acting like nothing happened, you own up to your mistakes and apologize. You make things right. Maybe we don't talk about ourselves a lot with each other, but the nights that are hard for me, I always think that I'm not alone. That there's a girl out there rooting for me, that I matter to someone and she will miss me if I am gone. You keep me going, Y/N and that is why I put up with you."

Chapter—6(2)

A/N: So yeah, the second chapter is coming right up. I hope it's not too much for one day. Also, feedback is greatly appreciated.

Btw, I LOVE YOU ALL.

Tags for useful:

@bi-danvers0 @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @itsjaybro16 @mml232 @blablatiti @stilltoomuchafangirl @bat-shark-repellant @bluebell-24 @shortwinchester @always-money-in-the-banana-stand @soullessbabee @ima-be-a-mongoose @infinityspacesuniverse @vicmc624 @roonyxx @fandoms-fiend @slythermyg @perpetualabsurdity @whydontwejustgohunting @supraveng @coffeebooksandfandom @justafuckeduphuman @busy-bee-angel-misska @ria123love @woodworthti666 @katiekitty261 @supernatural-fan-123 @yxseminx @janicho88

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abri-chan · 4 years

Note

I saw you talking about X Reader fics and trying to write for Giorno, what would you say are your biggest pet peeves when it comes to Giorno x Reader fics or just general Giorno based fics? I'm trying to write for Giorno for a fic. that pairs him with a female OC and I check other fics for inspiration apart from the manga and purple haze feedback, and it seems like there are specifically three different versions of Giorno that show up in fics

I’ll be honest the xReader fics I read are smut (yeah I know I don’t write smut myself but hey I need my porn). The fic I’m writing for Giorno is actually a somber one kinda and is about him and Dio, so no reader or OC in that one.

Also, I kinda approach readers as OCs a lot, so we’re similar there. (I do have actual OCs tho!) I would like to know more about what you think the three versions are.

I’m rambling here, and not all may be useful. These include xCharacter, xReader, or just Gen.

Submissive Giorno. I’m separating top/bottom and sub/dom here. I feel like Giorno is always ultimately in control. I kinda HC Giorno as being a thot like Dio, in that he will not hesitate to use charm or sex to get what he wants. But even though Giorno could be fine with humiliation I think even that is calculated. There were some nice examples in abbagio fics where physically it seems Abbacchio was in charge: he was getting payback for Giorno’s behavior, but emotionally it was Giorno that drove him into getting rough with him. I joke that the D in Don Giovanna stands for Dom, but I believe Giorno is always in control of how the situation unfolds, bedroom or not.

Innocent, childlike, or melancholic Giorno. This is a big one. I’ll admit I ship Giorno into what could be considered incestuous because I think his dynamics with other Joestars are interesting (he’s partly Dio after all). I used to consume giotaro/giojota/giodio for a while. Great art by some artists, but the fics I’ve read... not the best. I feel giobru falls under this category too. Not that the stories the fics tell are bad per se; it’s the characterization of Giorno that is off. It seems when Giorno is paired with an older character or manlier character he comes off either as overly naive or overly depressed. (I believe Giorno would fuck over any other Joestar except maybe Jolyne) While as far as we’re shown (through behavior, never thoughts) Giorno manipulated his capo (Bruno) and became Boss in 14 days. You can argue that maybe if Giorno falls in love he’d wear his heart on his sleeve and I don’t quite buy it because it would be too much of a drastic change. IMO Giorno kicked melancholy in the face when the nameless gangster gave him hope-- he seems “a look towards the future kind” of guy.

I’m not saying he doesn’t have any feelings or thoughts on the sacrifice of his comrades, and I do believe Giorno grew a lot in what a leader should be (specifically the opposite of Diavolo): value loyalty (Narancia, Abbacchio), be open to what your subordinates think (Mista in Ghiaccio’s fight), pay people by their worth (the entire La Squadra fiasco could have been avoided). But I think Giorno sees them as a testament or sacrifice to a bigger vision: his bigger vision. So he looks at the bad aspects with respect and awe instead of depression or melancholy. Which brings me to the fourth point.

Give power when power is due. After Giorno becomes Don describe a Don lifestyle. Don’t have Trish just walk into his room anytime or Giorno lazying around. Don’t have him friendly with Mista or Fugo, because they’re not on the same level-- there’s a huge power imbalance and idc how much Giorno values them, he needs to maintain order and hierarchy. Yes he may be 15 in some fics but he never even acted 15 in the actual story. I feel being Don forced him to mature faster-- think of how helicopter parents force their children to perform adult feats in academics (taking college classes) or arts (child prodigies in music). You’d have to deal with the ramification of a character never having a childhood and not being allowed to have one.

Especially if you want to explore romantic relationships, you’d have to deal with how a huge power imbalance comes into play. I honestly wouldn’t even be surprised if Giorno didn’t intend to fall in love but instead planned for it. He’d task a trusted subordinate one day to find him a suitable wife (using wife since your OC is female). How would love unfold for someone that has it planned on how it should be and things don’t go according to plan?

(fourth point) There’s something wrong with Giorno. And I don’t know what it is, but I feel a good characterization would be able to capture it (if not in words in events or overall feeling it conveys). A lot of fics are not even wrong, in the sense that: yes Giorno would be overly romantic and prince charming. He’d also be unforgiving and cruel. But he’s somewhat never quite here or there. Maybe there’s something to be explore with Golden Experience Requiem: you chase a personality trait Giorno may have and realize you have return to the starting point without quite pinpointing it (just like Diavolo can never quite die).

I haven’t read PHF, only skimmed a bit, but there were some points where it gave off this vibe. For example, if I remember correctly Sheila was Giorno’s bodyguard. But then he just sends her away to find Fugo and the question is why? I mean the Don does need a bodyguard and especially trusted people-- you’d have to find another person to replace Sheila if something went wrong. You can read it as Fugo was important because Purple Haze is a dangerous stand, so Giorno must send his best wo(men). But the disturbing way I read it was that Sheila resembled Narancia’s devotion to Bruno in her devotion to Giorno. I think Fugo comments on how he thought Sheila was just as naive as Narancia at first. Did Giorno actually do this on purpose, because he knew what Sheila would remind Fugo of? That’s twisted, and I don’t know if PHF touches on that, or if it was just a coincidence: the author went for a character that resembles Narancia but not with the extension of how it would make Giorno look (this was emergent). There were also fans that screamed ‘fugio canon’ but idk did Giorno say those words (there’s this nice scene towards the end) to manipulate Fugo?

---

By the way isabelbuccellati has done very nice characterizations of Don Giovanna. Unfortunately she only has one public fic up on AO3 (it is nsfw so check at your own risk). I think the way she writes him has some depth you don’t usually see in his characterizations (these writings aren’t public tho).

But you can hop over to her tumblr and ask about Giorno, she’s a very nice person. She’s also one of the few people I’d trust to write smut of my fics.

---

Another advice would be to not be afraid to write a strong OC, because that way you can explore the characters around them through reactivity. You may end up putting Giorno in a situation that throws light into some hidden aspect of his personality.

I don’t mean strong in the sense of “great powers” or “great personality” or “role model”. I mean strong in the sense that she has presence in the story: for good or bad, with all the virtues and flaws, someone could definitely say “This is a person. This is a believable person.”

#anime manga rambles #Giorno Giovanna #jojo #jjba #jojo's bizarre adventure #Ougon no Kaze #Golden Wind #Vento Aureo

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myselfsquared · 5 years

Note

I'm so sorry to bother you and feel free to ignore this if it's annoying but PLEASE I am literally begging for more info about Cynthis??? PLEASE???? I LOVE HIM??? MUST KNOW???? ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Literally none of these asks are a bother at ALL, quite the opposite, so please don’t apologize! It makes me SO happy to see people like my art and are interested in my characters! So… I’ll try to cover the basics but if you wanna know more feel free to let me know!

Context: Cynthis exists in two settings, because I am weak for AUs and using the same characters over and over again in different things. First one is my comic “My Superhero Husband” which I made a teaser for a while back and plan on continuing it as soon as I have some free time on the side. Second, the one all the moodboard drawings are from, is a cyberpunk story/RP I’m writing with @reversedkore—we’re writing it for fun and it’s messy and it’s out of order, so we don’t really have any plans of sharing the full thing, but I can at least share some info, and maybe some pages of Cynthis’ backstory!

This is gonna be kinda long so I’m putting it under the cut, but please don’t feel obligated to read the whole thing!

Setting: We’re in the far future and there’s spaceships and there’s an intergalactic Empire who controls everything, and there’s androids, and it’s kinda dystopian, except most people are queer one way or another, because this is our story and we do what we want. Society is divided in two sides: the Noblus, who are like nobility except it’s a bought title, and they have to pay millions to keep it every year, and the Hands, who are literally everyone else.

The current Emperor, James, is the first Hand-turned-Noblus to earn the throne. He’s a bit of an arrogant self-centered prick who kinda ends up being the bad guy, but it’s complicated and we love him.

Magik: Due to experiments done decades ago, now a small percentage of people are born with powers that we’re calling “magik” because we are edgy and unimaginative like that. There’s three types of magik: Techs (communicate with technology), Warpers (they can literally warp the fabric of spacetime and do shit like teleport, time freeze, gravity control etc. which is fun but also their powers are killing them), and the most common ones, Shockers (different types of electrokinesis). The Empire doesn’t allow non-Noblus magik users the tech that helps them properly use their magik though, unless they join the military, the police force.

Backstory: So, Cynthis had to leave his home planet at a very young age and join the Fleet (their version of the military) so he could get the tech that helped him control his powers. He comes from a planet where all life is considered sacred, so for many years he refuses to kill. But unlike most Shockers, his power is limited to touch—he can’t send out stuff like bolts of electricity. Nobody really takes him seriously as a kid cause Shockers are like canon fodder and his powers aren’t that great, and purely out of spite he becomes the best one in class. If you have time to kill and you wanna read some snippets of his childhood, you can find them here.

Forward several years, he’s been part of special forces units, he’s earned some medals, and is considered one of the best the Fleet has to offer. And then the Emperor decides that Cynthis is both skilled and pretty, so he assigns him to be his personal bodyguard, and Cynthis hates this, but the money is very good. Then emotions and morality and a whole bunch of factors get involved and things get complicated.

Personality: Cynthis tends to be flat, cynical and sarcastic. Though he used to be a bit more idealistic, now he’s of the opinion that nothing ever changes anyway, so why even try? He also has a bit of a guilt complex and always tries to blame others for things. Despite that, he’s straightforward and honest, with no taste for small-talk and pleasantries. He is not great at understanding emotions and social cues, and is especially thick when it comes to realizing that someone is flirting with him. You could be handing him flowers and saying “I LOVE YOU” and he’d still be like “???” He has shitty self esteem.

Interests: Outside his job and training, his interests tend to change quickly. He picks up random hobbies all the time, and then some months later drops them: sewing, gardening, snowboarding, knitting, carving, fishing, hiking—you name it and the chances are he’s done it. Sometimes he comes back to them, sometimes he doesn’t. He loves plants though, that doesn’t change.

Mental Health: Though he keeps himself distracted most of the time, Cynthis doesn’t exactly have the best mental health possible. He shuts himself off from other people, and sometimes has self-harming tendencies. He has a lot of guilt surrounding things he’s done, and often goes through long depressive periods. Though he used to be more hopeful, that’s been replaced by cynical pessimism. He’s 33 and he feels old.

Dysphoria: Cynthis knew he was trans since he was a kid, but he couldn’t start hormone treatment till he was 18, because the Fleet did not allow it. He’s gotten top surgery since then, and that’s helped his dysphoria a lot, but doesn’t want bottom surgery. He’s not as bulky as most of the other guys he served with, and he’s not very comfortable with his body in general, but his dysphoria nowadays is more of a background thing, rather than something unbearable. There’s days where he doesn’t even think about it.

Relationships: Cynthis has a boyfriend called Archimedes, who is a Noblus fashion designer, and about 8 years younger than him. Archimedes is the kind of person who says he’ll get a coffee and orders a mocha with extra whipped cream, croissants on the side. I adore him. He’s idealistic, and naive, and sheltered from the world, but he’s incredibly kind. He hates the Emperor and the whole Empire system, but is too scared to leave his family and go fight for what he believes in. The two are very different but somehow click together. Archimedes makes Cynthis feel hopeful again.

Things get more complicated when James, the Emperor, gets involved. Though Cynthis hates him at first, over the years the two grow closer, and they end up having a very intense, somewhat toxic relationship. They bring out the best and the worst in each other. Cynthis can talk to him about things he’s never been comfortable discussing with Archimedes, and James actually begins it trust Cynthis and value his opinion.

A bunch of very messy things happen and plot and blah blah blah, but the most important point is that the “love triangle” turns to an OT3, and you can pry these three out of my cold dead hands.

Oh god this really has gotten long. Okay. I’m going to stop now?? Thanks for the ask and I hope this kinda answered some questions!

#cynthis

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pastelraes-blog · 5 years

Text

Bitch Why Are You Like This: meeting Miss & Daddy (Jan 22)

A picture of me looking at me during the entire evening.

Starring: Daddy, Miss and a bitch (that's me!)

i've been thinking about my meeting with Miss and Daddy. Before that very moment, i have never felt young. Truly young - innocent, energetic, inexperienced, requiring guidance, in-over-my-head. Ever. Welcome to childhood, bitch.

Miss is fucking amazing. Although intense, she embodies the person i want to be. There's a quiet strength about her, a self-assurance, and she's beautiful. When the hostess pointed her out, i was quite sure i'd die before ever reaching the table. But here i am. Still living. While sitting at the table i marveled at how blessed i felt. Do i know what the fuck i'm doing? No. Do i know what i'm getting myself into? Hell no. But i trust in the experience Miss has, her thorough questioning, and deliberate actions.

For a moment, i wondered about sex trafficking. Atlanta is the sex trafficking hub of the nation, and to get women, sex traffickers often recruit other women. Because girls/women feel safer with and trust women more than men. With reason. But i requested to see and talk to her and Daddy was kind enough to let that happen.

And then in comes Daddy. i doubted He was real but He sure as fuck is, and boy do i feel little. It's not something i've ever experienced in my life. And i like it a lot (question mark?). i was pretty sure i was going to fuck some shit up and fuck some shit up i did. He told me to ask Him a question. i didn't feel i deserved to ask a question and quite frankly i was suffering from slight sensory overload and i didn't have a question to ask. Every question i had left my mind the moment He asked. Somehow, i found one - something about my age. i don't remember what i asked or His answer. i do remember getting comfortable and asking another question. He leans forward and says, "What part of one question do you not understand?" and i respond, "the one part." 🤦🏽‍♂️ Internally, i was yelling at myself to shut the fuck up.

And then He looked at me.

He looked *into* me

and i fell

When i was 4 or 5 or 6 (who the fuck knows honestly) my mother took me and my sister (who was 2 or 3 or 4) to a pool. i could somewhat swim but knew i should never cross 4 feet deep. Keeping this in mind, i jumped in the pool. And then i started drowning; the '4 feet' pool marker was missing and i thought i was jumping into 3 feet water. As i drowned, there was no panic. i felt no discomfort. i remember being surrounded by light blue waves. Looking up to see the sun shining through the water. i was at peace. There was no sound, there was no disturbance. And then i closed my eyes.

And when i opened them i was staring into Daddy's.

*still*

There's a common descriptor phrase - looking like a deer in headlights - and i have had the terribly unfortunate opportunity to witness this in reality in the passenger seat of my grandfather's jeep speeding toward a deer at 50 miles per hour.

and i am the deer

and the deer is me

drowning in water

over four feet deep

with eyes staring into Daddy's

Eventually i look away. And to mask my terror - that i could feel the depth of those experiences, i do the worst possible thing i could do in the moment: i look back at him defiantly & *i get smug*. And when i return my attention to Miss, i am smiling. Daddy asks Miss if i have signed the waiver yet and he says to get that done *as soon as possible*

A bitch is in trouble .

Should i be terrified for my life? Should i try to suck His ****? Who knows 🤷🏾‍♂️ (lxlzkzkzjkzjzb why am i like this! 😳🤣). Fuck Twilight AND ESPECIALLY fuck its fanfic 50 Shades, but Bella. Sweetie. If this is how you felt when Eddy-boy stared at you, i understand and im sorry for ever doubting you.

The night goes on. Daddy pours his coffee in a very particular manner. i am very thankful for Miss. They work well together. A perfect balance. She asks about me staring down Daddy and asks if i wanted to or felt like i should look away. Hell yeah i wanted to look away. i felt like i should look away. i wanted desperately to look away. i couldn't. And then it felt like maybe i shouldn't look away? Like what was this Man thinking i wondered. And when i caught myself looking i realized i kinda didn't want to stop? A bitch is a brat. Why do i poke the Lion? i don't knoooww 😭. Miss says she can't imagine me being submissive and that hurts a lot.

And of course in typical fashion of one who emotes (?) dramatically, i begin to cry. Because being smug is a defense mechanism. Bucking authority is another. i have had to puff myself up and build up walls and be hard for so long to *survive* and i don't want to be like that anymore. It's not me. i didn't have a childhood. i've always felt impossibly old. At 10, i raised my siblings for four years while momma went to college. because making 6k a year aint shit with 4 kids. At 14 when she finished, she wanted her role and her power back, but the children didn't recognize her as momma. And she hated it. It was a constant power struggle. To me she was irrational, led by the heart and prone to overreaction. Her favorite punishment aside from capital punishment was to take away everything i cared about at any moment *because she could*. So i became smug. *Because fuck you.*

Fast forward 4 years when i finally get to college and shit aint much better. i'm in an environment i wasn't ready for academically. The learning curve was exponential with a slope asymptote to infinity (undefined). That joint is a straight line lol. People are mad racist, dudes are mad sexist, the black people super rich and i'm slipping into depression. When i took a break from school last semester, i learned the traits i picked up - the way i operate in groups/the constant fight - don't work in other environments. It's dangerous to myself and it hurts others. And i don't want to be like that anymore. this is what i've had to do to survive all my life and it's ugly and it's not me.

i'm done with surviving. i want to thrive. i want to *live*. i want to submit desperately, i just don't know how. i'm tired of being defiant and smug and provoking because it's not me. i care so deeply for people, and i struggle because my face, my words, and my attitude are incongruent. When shit is bad, and i mean real bad, i smile and laugh. Not because something is funny or amusing - i smile because it isn't. i guess i started smiling cuz that's much simpler than bursting into tears. And these behaviors are habits i desperately want to break. my life has been fight after fight and resistance and war. i've made it so i would not submit to the negative forces in my life, but now i don't know how to accept the good. and that's why it hurts me so much when i smile at Miss or stare down Daddy when i would truly love not to be.

i was sure after that fiasco i'd never hear from them again. i failed so epically at something i know myself to be. regardless of the tears (because i definitely cried more last night), i am so thankful for that one opportunity to be in the presence of Miss and Daddy. The experience allowed me to gaze intently at those very ugly behaviors that i didnt truly recognize until last night. i left feeling like i failed a lot. But that failure was good because it was necessary. i'm now one step closer to knowing the person i am and transforming into the person i want to be.

Miss told me to look up what submission means and give ten examples of when i have ever done that in my life. For a moment i was quite terrified because i don't think i have ever submitted to someone or something without resistance first.

Submission - the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person; an act of surrendering to a hold by one's opponent; humility; meekness

Okay the '10 examples' activity is super hard because i see now i've been the bitch reluctant to listen and follow. people must loved me to put up with this shit. Jesus take the wheel.

i still don't think i'm off the hook. i live on the hook. i am the worm 😂. i'm super disappointed in myself, but my love for myself has not changed. i'm really proud of myself for taking the chance and putting myself out there and meeting people who i fantasize about binding me, dragging keys down my back until i bleed, whipping my *****, leaving marks/bruises and other normal shit like calling me hideous degrading names and looking at me in ways that make my entire being quiver. If we're being 300,000% truthful, though i didn't intend to fuck up, the intensity of those moments, the acute embarrassment i felt, the topic of conversation in that public environment is something i truly enjoyed and if given the chance to experience it again i definitely would. ☺️

Eventually i'll ask Miss about her role because she's Daddy's sub but i have to pass her first to get to Daddy. Does that mean one day she's going to hand me off and i don't get to have her as Miss anymore 😢? i'm going to enjoy things as they are and take them as they come. Because i like Daddy & Miss a lot 🤷🏾‍♂️

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gotoveritstillloveyou · 3 years

Text

Aight, so, I'm about to just fucking eviscerate myself, and I need to say some shit before I do so. In fact, the next several chapters is gonna be all dark negative shit about you and me and life and our problems. I decided to save all the cool weird shit till the end.

First of all you can't take this wrong way. This chapter is dedicated to me just saying all the things I did wrong, without any explanation unless it's absolutely required, and I'm bout to just go the fuck off on myself. It's basically a list of horrible memories and reasons to hate me. But look, everyone does bad shit, some more than others, some worse than others. Not everybody does what I'm writing though. I'm about to acknowledge my awareness of what was wrong about me, validate how it affected us, and own up to it.

In general I write and work on all the mistakes of my past and when I work on this specific project I work on all the problems we had and ways we hurt each other. That's not the whole picture. All day long all the time, I think about all our good memories and how special and great you are, that's what keeps me going. And then I gotta find answers and solutions. Those answers are hidden within the problems, and they are the things that are broken.

There are a lot of reasons I did all these things. So much of it was out of my control and just hurt me as much as it hurt anyone else. I didn't want to be feeling or acting or being like this. Some of its not like that though, some of these are just me. Just me being an asshole or me just sucking. There's no explanation or justification to any of this, but there are reasons, and those reasons do not buy any forgiveness, but at least, for the both of us, we can at least see I was truly not some psychotic asshole evil person at heart. But I'm not writing about those reasons here. I'm gonna attempt to just flat out say this shit.

That's the last couple things to keep in mind. It's one of the reasons I have chosen to continue living, these are not the things of my heart. Deep down in my heart I feel like I never skipped a beat. I have always been good in my heart. That was hard for me to accept honestly. That's how I'm trying to live my life now. None of these things truly came from my heart, they came from my ego, my pain, my stupidity, and just how I was almost forced to respond to life. I was created by my environment and I just took the worst path. I could've been forged by the fire but instead I burned.

This is the first point of order but also kinda part of the preamble. My stupidity. That is one thing that really ties this whole story together, extends from beginning to end. I'm just fucking stupid. The things I've done and the thoughts in my head and all of that, just stupid. Even now that I finally truly understand myself, and realize not everything was just a stupid mistake, but see how I slipped up, or I was misled, or reality was warped, or my mind played games on itself, or things weren't in my control, I still just feel stupid. I feel like while almost everything had a point of origin, had a long backstory, and had a set of circumstances leading it to happen, 99% of it could ALSO at the same time be explained with one thing: I'm fucking stupid. So much of this shit I think about, like this whole books worth of shit, was right in front of my fucking face and super obviously and blatant and self explanatory, yet I can see the reasons my mind missed it, but still, I'm like God DAMN what a fucking DUMBASS. I can see what led to my mistakes, that maybe they had good intentions, that maybe my failures were true attempts but failed for different reasons, and I look at my mistakes and I'm like holy shit what a fucking mouth breather. The things I've discovered and realized about you, they were really obvious at the time. Like in my mind as I discover them, it feels like I have unveiled some hidden secret and removed some illusion and found a deeper truth. Which often is truly the case. But about half of that? When I write it down in words. I'm like holy fuck what a tardo. It's like writing down "The sky is blue". And I'm still fucking stupid. I'm just stupid. I'm maybe less stupid than I was because I'm not all fucked up now, but looking back and seeing how stupid I was, that's the one thing I can't confidently say that I've fixed, I look back and see someone so fucking dumb that it's a joke to ever believe they could be less dumb. I'll get into this in the paranormal chapter, but I dont call myself a wizard for weirdo reasons, it truly is the one archetype that most closely matches the true nature of my soul, and even then, maybe one of the less talked about aspects of a wizard, but absolutely essential, is that he is the fool.

Hey me from the future here. I just spent a while writing this and then deleted it and stopped writing for a few days. I can't do it. I tried to write this out in excruciatingly overwritten detail and make it long as fuck. I just really want to own up to every single thing. I'm not gonna be able to do that. This entire couple years, I've been working through the stuff in my head and Journaling some of it. In the long run this is just my journal. Well some of those things I wrote down really fucked me up. Like a few of the longer posts in my journal set me into a 3 week long mental episode. I'm not bullshitting about what I said, I haven't just been sitting around and thinking about you occasionally and sometimes writing stuff about you. I've been reliving and regressing and examining my whole life in extended detail. Several times it has fucked me up and writing this was trying to do that and I just can't have it. I'm doing really good right now. Also, I was getting really deep into like every single bad thought in my head and they just aren't relevant. Every good thought I had during those times also had a doubt or a bad thought or something selfish, and everyone has that, and it isn't the real them, so I ain't writing that shit. Also, the times on this mental journey where processing stuff messed me up, sometimes it was just working through something tough, but a lot of times it was self imposed punishment. I don't believe my punishment is over for the way I've lived my life, but I simply can't do it to myself anymore. I did it until I was near death and felt so bad that I finally stopped and I'm not starting again. So I'm still gonna confess my sins but I'm not gonna go crazy with it. Like I said this is really just my final journal of the subject and it's directed at you but its for me, but if for some reason you've found this, and your one hang up is that I didn't say and explain every fucked up thing I did in painful levels of detail, just let me know.

Well of course it's starts at the start. Just at the start it was just me being a normal flawed dickhead, before all the crazy and evil. I didn't bullshit you on my sob story about Kammy. Yes, bitch was crazy, yes I had a TBI, yes I had just come out of a dementia tier 6 month trance. The part I left out that I was a dysfunctional dickhead. This is really the only part I'm adding explanations too, I swear. I was a fuckin asshole and bad at life and aimless and a loser and prone to agoraphobia and dissociation and tantrums of anger. Everyone hides shit like at the start. You hid a way bigger side. It's just that I lied and we saw the fruits of it. I just thought that was all due to my unhappiness and I just wasn't gonna be like that anymore it was a new me. That worked for a while.

See I got frontal lobe damage. Say someone really nice got frontal lobe damage. They would get a little meaner. It would be really obvious. Well I got frontal lobe damage so I guess everyone just thought they were finding out how mean I really was. And I'm anti-medicine and psychiatry. And I'm prone to dissociation and hiding my true thoughts. And I had childhood ptsd. And my life was already not going well and I was not putting myself into it. And THEN I got frontal lobe damage. Twice. So yeah I lied about that. I thought it was just really bad depression and when we met I was just then coming to terms with having a TBI, and thought it was just gonna be cognitive issues. No, I hit my head so fucking hard that cerebral fluid leaked out of my nose for 8 months and 5 years of my life were ruined. I just thought it was all my unhappy life with Kammys fault and I was free now and I was in control and I was gonna be a bad ass and just defeat all my demons at once.

Since this is the only time I'm gonna address the beginning of our relationship in a negative light, I wanna give it a small paragraph. I did not try to date you because you were young, or vulnerable, or the way you are. Just wanna put that out there. I know a lot of people thought that. I really have nothing else to say about that or feel any need to try and prove that. It's just true. I loved you and you're amazing, that is the only reason I wanted to be with you. No confession coming from that, but I felt one was expected, so I wanted to add this in.

Now, you were in fact vulnerable. Not gullible but like willing to listen/follow. You were vulnerable because of your situation. The only reason I liked that was just because you were down to roll and no baggage. I see the people around you take heavy advantage of your naive nature. I was always very careful with that. If I ever even broached that territory, I made sure I was being careful and not trying to fuck you around. That said I do have a confession, it's small in the grand scheme of things, but it really makes me wanna fucking puke and it's super cringe. I guess I just saw you as a girlfriend at first. Mostly this is just those typical first doubts everyone has. But I figured we would date for a year or so and I would help you out and then you could go off and find someone better for you. Like the dark side of my mind saw you as just company and temporary at first. I know this contradicts my previous story. This isn't the full story, this is my confession. This is me talking myself out of believing in the love I really felt. But then I just kept getting to know you more and realizing I really couldn't live without you. But I had just come out of this long ass relationship and then had all this fun being alone and dating, so I was just flooded with doubt and insecurity. That's not the confession. The confession is I then proceeded to try and manipulate you into some weird relationship dynamic that would put all my fears to rest and "not fuck my life up by being tied down". It was really scummy and doglike and you never were into it just went along with it to be with me. When you moved in I dropped it and that was your plan all along lol. Just being a normal dog man honestly but I feel gross for acting like that.

Now I will say I always brought up throuples. I just wanna say I never said that because I'm polyamourous or I wanted a threesome. I have legitimate justifiable reasons for that. They just didn't apply to you and I didn't see it, and always brought it up. You even brought it up a few times on your own, so did kammy. Just for me, it's more about balance. Just doesn't apply to you. You're my match. You're literally almost too much for me. Other girls aren't like that. That said I brought it up too much, and generally had a wandering eye because Im just a perv, but I shoulda kept that shit to myself. It's hurtful and degrading to say stuff like regardless of what's behind it.

I remember the first time I got mad at you and I do not regret it. I wish so bad to remember what you actually said that made me mad. I raised my voice slightly and said something very stern, slightly rude maybe. You were being disrespectful to the level of degrading. I don't regret it, but that broke the seal. Up until then,, I had just ignored you or stood my ground quietly, or at least calmly. I never should've stopped doing that.. The next couple times it happened, a few times it was the only way I was able to get my point across, and it worked. A few times were my first slip ups into my old bad self.

I only wrote that last paragraph to make a point. Anger is okay. But more than that, not being gentle is okay, standing my ground and sticking up for myself is okay. But I'm making a point. The first couple times were okay, or small mistakes. Pretty much every time after that was fucked up and wrong.

I was mean and unpleasant towards you for the rest of our entire relationship. Look you're a brat, emotional, and dramatic, and I miss all those things about you. At first it was just dealing with that, getting frustrated, or typical boyfriend girlfriend fights.

But then, I just got mean. Each day I got worse. I was the boy you loved who was so caring and thoughtful and nice. Then week by week I just got meaner.

There's a lot a reason but that's not what this is here for. It doesn't matter who's fault the anger was or what was behind it. It doesn't matter what lines I never crossed. I was mean. Over and over and over again. I chose to be mean again and again. I was just mean all the fucking time sometimes. I was mean over nothing. I snapped over nothing. I woke up already mad.

I blamed you. I blamed you for just fucking everything sometimes. I blamed you for things that you did actually do, they were you're fault, the blame was yours, but I chose to be mean about it. I insisted you did it on purpose whether you did or didn't. Sometimes you didn't didn't do anything. But regardless, I blamed you for one reason or the other, and my response was to get angry, throw a fit, withhold things from you, refuse to be nice to you, or refused to do something you asked or take you somewhere, because I blamed you and I was being fucking mean.

I held resentment too. I didn't stop blaming you or being mean about something just because the fight ended. It continued onward until you either proved me wrong or stopped doing it. And of course you didn't stop, I was being mean as fuck, you're just like me, I accused you and Kammy of doing the same thing to me: I was mean so you felt unloved, I didn't provide you an environment or chance to say sorry and change, I shamed you for it and I made it seem like our love was on the table, and that hurts, so you acted out. And then when you acted out I was twice as mean. And when you did it again I was quadruple mean, regardless if it was on purpose, on accident, or just in my head.

I was mean all the time. I yelled. I threw things. Multiple times I threw totinos pizzas or food. I stayed mad for hours.

There was a similar progression with how I dealt with your craziness. At first I was accepting and tried to help. Then it just got ridiculous. I would say one thing and you would completely shut down or lock yourself in the bathroom. At first it was like you would have an episode, or a panic attack, and I would calm you down for an hour and it still didn't work so I would try anger. And then that gap got shorter, I would try to help for a shorter time, and I wasn't just trying anger, or trying to show frustration, I was getting mad. Then there was a period where your mental episodes to me just meant we were having a fight so I fought with you, made it worse, extended it. And then there was the transitional phase where you were getting less crazy and I was getting more crazy, and at that point slowly I started thinking fuck this bitch. The second you had an issue I was like oh here we go again. If it wasn't directly related to me I would still try to help you, if you seemed legit upset. But if it was something between us I just instantly turned it into a dramatic fight and started being mean.

I did help you. By pushing you, being stubborn, maybe getting a little loud and stern. I helped you get outside more and feel better for things and be able to go do stuff without it being a big panic attack. But then I kept going. I kept pushing harder and harder. I stopped seeing you for who you really are and just wanted you to just shut up and be okay all the time. I was pushing myself so hard, and I felt you needed to be pushed that hard. So I just pushed harder and harder, got more loud, got more mean, got angry more quickly, and got more frustrated and it just grew and grew.

I wrote like a 4 page dissertation on the time I made you cry with spray cheese. I just feel so fucking bad about it. I put spray cheese on you and it triggered your autism really hard and you started crying. I almost got a little mad but then I tried to comfort you. I decided I had tried enough and you had cried enough. Really I kinda did. I tried to calm you down and make you feel better. You kept crying so I was just gonna let you cry. And you just cried more and more you just started all over from the beginning. I realize now that maybe you were just that upset, or you were crying because your heart was breaking over all the stuff going on in our lives. God it made me so made. I yelled at you to shut the fuck up. I thought you were doing it on purpose and you refused to let me comfort you and you were crying loud on purpose. I'm not giving you reasons, that's part of the confession, it's horrible that I even thought that. And even if I did think that, ptsd or not, why the fuck would I act like that. Jesus christ. A poor crying sad girl and I thought she was doing it to fuck with me so I yelled at her.

I'm getting off track but thats honestly one of the worst things I've ever done in my entire life. I was glad to be getting some writing done but I'm gonna have to stop for a while. That's one of those memories that makes me physically sick. It doesn't matter how guilty I feel BTW, that's not what I'm trying to say. It just makes me sick. What a horrible thing. A lot of people in prison for heinous crimes divorce themselves from the idea that it was the real them that did the crime. I'm not doing that. I wish I could. I wish you would call me and say you were actually doing it on purpose. But it makes me just as sick to think I did such a cruel thing, but it makes my head spin because that is also one of the clearest memories of how fucked up I was in my brain. I cannot believe the thoughts I had, the feelings I felt, and the way I acted. That is not me. I'm not divorced from shit, I did that shit, I know why I did it, I can feel myself doing it. That's not me. The real me would've let you cry for hours while holding you and did whatever it takes later to find out what was really wrong. It doesn't matter. That was so horrible and cruel. A lot of our other bad memories have at least some nuance to them, some back and forth, 2 toxic sick people, at least some semblance of a dramatic fight, not this one. It makes me feel like I am truly evil inside. I cannot imagine how bad I hurt you by doing that. I can't imagine the feelings you were feeling. To have your autism trigger and then your emotions start pouring out and me telling you to shut the fuck up and being mean. I feel like if I could feel the feelings I made you feel that night, I would actually die. I have to stop writing for a few days.

I didn't abuse you. Hold your horses before you shit yourself. There's just no part of this confession where I say "I'm your abuser I'm sorry". You can put your boots in the over and callem biscuits but that don't make it so.

I tried to ram the theory that I'm an abuser so far up my ass so many times. It just isn't true. I am a piece of shit that did bad things. I am a sick person in a bad situation. I'm an angry mean person.

You know in my edit above where I said sometimes the work and Journaling I've been doing messed me up? My story of what I've put my time into isn't bullshit. I haven't been sitting around musing about my ex girlfriend. I have been investigating, researching, and experimenting, every aspect of my life, every shadow, every part of my brain, health, ego, and every memory. I couldn't take it anymore and I had to get to the bottom of it. A lot of times this shit affected my work, my lifestyle, my health, my mental status.

You know which one fucked me up really bad? I wrote down every bad thing you did or made me feel but I used the terminology of domestic abuse and described what happened in the language of an abuse victim. It fit very very well. By the time I finished writing it I think it sent me into a spiral that lasted 6 weeks. Writing about my episodes and uncovering my trauma fucks me up, writing about good memories also particularly hurts me, but I remember this one particularly fucking me up. Don't worry, I saw through it. I explored every possibility I could think of and it was one of the dead ends.

I don't know why it fucked me up so bad. I fucking hope not because it was actually true. That it fit so well that I had to completely lie to myself and keep writing to reinforce my denial. I think it was just such a dark ending and hid too much truth. This was way before I started having revelations and improvements. So I think my brain was like NO BITCH START OVER.

An abuser is a specific kind of monster and criminal. Now, they do have "reasons" and could be self aware of them like I am. I don't call them reasons. I call them origins. They may have psychological problems, or be part of a cycle of abuse. Hint hint. But they cross a line at some point. They aren't doing it out of pathology, they aren't doing it on accident as a trauma response or a bad learned behavior. They cross a line where abuse is just what they do. I would say it's out of hatred, but I think most of them are sociopaths, so it's really out of nothing, they don't see you as a person. The things they do are cruel and intentional. They trick you into loving them, manipulate your emotions to keep you under control.

An abuser is an evil demon, who you fear, who hits you, hurts you, and then tells you it's your fault. Meeting an abuser is the same as getting mugged in an alleyway. You're a random victim of a criminal. You weren't chosen for any reason other than your victimizable. An abuser degrades, they tell you the dinner you cooked is disgusting, your body is disgusting, your stupid and its all your fault. Verbal abuse, yelling at you for no reason, they may be yelling at you about something but they are doing it for no actual reason other than to abuse you. Emotional abuse. Your emotions are nothing but a tool for them. That's the abuse cycle. They make you feel absolutely horrible and at fault about everything, make you feel bad and disgusting, that's the abuse. They make you feel worthless and not redeemable, so you must stay with them, and of course threaten to kill you if you leave. Then the literal abuse ends. They make sure you know it's all your fault, and then you have a period of peace, usually beginning by showering you with good emotions and presents. You see the "other side" of them and can't help but love them and you're being flooded with positivity. There's no other side of them, there's just an on/off switch to the literal abuse part, and trickery and manipulation. You're either scared to leave them, or in love with them during manipulated positivity, one or the other. You're never just their girlfriend. And then one day you escape. Abusers may come back for you and try to trick you back, but 99% of them disappear forever and find a new victim within 6 months, that's an fbi statistic. Abusers don't feel remorse. Maybe they can change, but personally I don't think they can. That line can't be uncrossed. The abuser, in their mind, is fully justified in their behavior. They think they did the right thing. There's no struggle, it's not a hard relationship that didn't work out, it was a stage play where they are the lead role and you're a side character that deserved what they got and you're the one that abandoned them.

What I did was bad. I was a real piece of shit. I hurt you a lot and made you cry. You hit me with some pretty bad shit. I didn't do that though. I almost kinda think what I did was worse, which is what this rant is leading up to. If I could just say to myself yeah my behavior was abuse, I coulda ended this whole thing right there. I tried pretty hard to do that. If I was able to come to that conclusion, I would have nothing to say to you. I wouldn't have you on my mind anymore either. This story would've wrapped up cleanly 8 months ago with a nice bow on top. I would've known exactly what to do for myself as well. Paradoxically, and only because it's not true, my heart would've put an end to this story. Abusers don't have good hearts, that's why it's a paradox, and abuser would just carry on as normal. But if I landed on that the solution would've been simple. Either I would have stopped working on myself, no longer any motivation either because of you, or to have a woman in my future. I would never let it happen again. Or, I would have just killed myself, like all abusers should have. Now, I did damn near accept you as my abuser, like I said it lines up very well. I looked at my own behavior and was like nah, doesn't line up. Bad, should feel bad, maybe should kill myself anyway, but doesn't line up. Yours lined up, but I looked deeper, I know what happened now, photo finish on that one, glad I kept going, turned out good.

I was manipulative, as I've already confessed. You're stubborn and feral. My manipulation was good hearted, my manipulation was me trying to train you to live better and act better. And then, life got worse, and my illness got worse, and my manipulation did become very mean, the good intentions remained, but so did Ghengis Kahns good intentions. My teaching truly did become manipulation and pressure and anger. I also manipulated you to try to prove my PTSD fears untrue.

I yelled at you. I yelled really loud and angrily at you. What was I yelling about though? One of two things, either literally our exact relationship problems and the solutions to them, a good talk we needed to have, except I was fucking yelling because I was insane, and you weren't listening because I was yelling. Or, I yelled about all the fucked up shit in my head, an overflow of all the shit I was repressing.

It's embarrassing to say, but yeah we had those toxic dramatic moments that both toxic and abusive couples had, but they were fucking temper tantrums like a 5 year old. Now, that doesn't really describe well the content of what was in my head, or what was going on in our lives, but those peak moments of drama were essentially a really gigantic toddler fucking losing his shit in a really skilled fashion.

I never insulted you, degraded you, I never talked about your body, your mind, I never insinuated that your some piece of shit is the reason we are having the issue. I know some of my behavior may have scared or disturbed you, and undoubtedly it damaged you and hurt your heart, but you were never scared of me. You know what you did during these fights? Well a lot of times you fought back. In fact, a lot of these memories weren't just me having and episode, they were you having an episode, or us having a fight, or 2 really weird crazy people in a little house freaking the fuck out. Sometimes, you just sat there and cried, or defended yourself. Sometimes, you fucking hit me, through shit at me or around the house.

I did blame you for things. I blamed you for things you did, and blame is not how a relationship works, accountability is, and yelling is not how it works, talking is. But I blamed and yelled. I blamed you for things you did not do. I blamed you for things that were legitimate miscommunication or confusion, except instead of talking about it, and figuring it out, I was a piece of shit to you about it. I also blamed you for things that were 100% true in my mind, because my mind was broken. I blamed you for doing things that kammy did to me, because while maybe she didn't exactly purposely abuse me, she left such a litany of fucked up shit behind in my mind that there's no other word for it.

Abusers escalate. Our life did get worse. It wasn't an escalation of abuse. It was a progression of my mental illness, our life getting worse, and all the things stacking up and compounding. I ran. As it got worse, I started fucking running away. The episodes and delusions got worse, so when they happened, I started fucking running away half way through. I definitely was getting louder, and getting really prone to smashing shit, it was getting way way worse, so I did that shit, but something in me was like OH FUCK so I started running away. I remember one instance where the second I snapped I just fucking ran. You shoved me and yelled at me but I just felt that fucked up feeling and ran. I can remember also feeling fucked up and just putting my shoes on and leaving a bunch of times.

There was that one time, that time I burned myself with cigarettes. That's a different fucked up different thing for a different chapter.

An abuser traps you. They either manipulate you into staying, or threaten you to leave. I broke up with you every time I had an episode. After the episode I tried to get you to leave. I threatened you once, during the mentioned cigarette incident. I said every fucked up thing I could just to get you out of the house. The night the neighbor called the cops on us, I locked you out. I think that was my worst mental breakdown. I was trying to get you to leave. I was trying to end this. I didn't truly think it was your fault, I either thought it was my fault or some kind of mental problem. I just wanted it to end. I tried to get you to go home for a few months, or break up with you, or kick you out, or run away. I put every effort I had left into trying to figure out my problem and make it stop. I kept trying for 2 fucking years after you left to fix it until I finally did. I broke up with you. You did not escape me. I broke up with you and you finally left and I rambled incoherent bullshit to you on discord and never once tried or asked for you to come back.

Maybe an abuser would use this strategy, write this whole ass thing to try to get you back. They would be lying first of all. That's what abusers do. The abuse happens, then they fake how sorry it is but also gaslight/blame you. There was no abusive cycle with us. There was no up and down circular abuse cycle. It just straight sucked. The next day I did say how sorry I was and how scared I was and that I was gonna try really hard to fix it. I never once said it was because of you. I never flooded you with good emotions or gifts. Nope. The next day we just had the same fucking problems. The next whole month we had the same fucked up life, with occasional good memories or moments of chillness. And then one of us had another breakdown, or fight. That was the cycle. Two crazy kids getting fucked over by poverty and losing their minds together.

So just deal with it. I didn't abuse you. You basically almost abused me. That's just not what was happened. Maybe it's pathological of me to focus so hard on what the truth is. But its not the truth. When I find the truth, I accept it. I'm not working my way around it. This is the most life changing experience that happened to me ever and when I'm done rebuilding myself it's gonna influence the course of my entire life, and that will NOT be based on a lie or a rationalization, and if these memories are gonna fuck with me they are gonna fuck with me correctly.

You have been abused before. It was easy to tell yourself that all that happened was you got abused again. It was definitely easy to explain this complicated ass shit to other people. If that's what you had to tell yourself to keep going, fine. But you were there. I don't write this to trick you, I write this to give myself closure, and I kinda think none of this even matters to you at all, but I write this to in fantasy land also give you closure.

Now that I said that, let me invalidate all of it. If you felt abused, then you were abused. If you want to tell me what I did was abuse, I will listen, and I will accept it. You were undoubtedly my victim, I was also your victim, I was also my own victim, and you were the victim of the consequences and expressions of what I was a victim of. If you felt abused, you were, and I'm the abuser. I would rather you didn't think that. I don't think it's true enough, but you own your own truth. I would rather you think that I'm a piece of shit that hurt you really bad, a failure, a loser, a hurtful mean asshole, someone that betrayed you and let you down and fucked you over. All those things are true, I don't believe I abused you. I never did this out of hate, I never crossed that line, and I tried to stop it and didn't want it to happen. I'm an absolute curmudgeon, asshole, violent, dickhead, shitty piece of shit, and I hurt the fuck out of you forever and ever. It can't be undone and what we call it doesn't matter.

I think what I did is worse. I think all the shit I listed before the abuse rant is really fucking bad. In some fucked up way it would almost be better if those actions were out of abuse. Then it was just abuse and not your fault, and I'm an abuser so just throw me in the trash and forget all the memories, they are just trauma. That's softer than the truth. The truth is I was just a guy you loved that was an incredibly hurtful jerk asshole. Just by being himself. And you know what, a lot of it wasn't our faults. It was situational or an accident. That's fuckin horrible. That's like dropping a baby on its head.

Nah, I think it's still worse. With what I know now, now that I'm no longer insane, now that I know who you are and know who I am, I think what I know now is worse. We have both been brats and assholes our whole lives, and we both have had people abuse us our whole lives. Nah. This is worse.

It's that shit at the beginning. When we met. You were stuck out in that town, you felt like your family was abusing you, the one friend you had her boyfriend tried to rape you and she was manipulating you. Then this guy shows up and he has all the same interests as you. You were sitting around bored and sad and lonely and rotting away. He came and swooped you up. But then, you were nuts. But it didn't scare him off. Nah. You told him your secrets and things about yourself you were scared to say and he was like oh cool that's no big deal. He promised you this big dream life. Yall were gonna be a team and treat each other right. He was so interesting and you were telling people how cool he was and showing them this cool book he gave you. He got you a house and you started going crazy in there and he was always there to calm you down and help you work through it. You started feeling better and better, losing weight, skin glowing up, free from all the boredom and abuse you had at home. Things were tough and weren't always great but slowly we we learning things and putting our life together, making little improvements to our house, setting up little things we wanted, he planted you a garden, got you a guinea pig.

Then slowly, day by day, he betrayed you. You watched this guy that you thought was so amazing just slowly lose his mind, slowly the house got nastier and his attitude got nastier. Less and less he acted like that guy you met. More and more he blamed you. Life got less fun and more sad, you missed your home, you never got anything fun to. He got worse and worse, more loud, directed more at you. He wasn't even the guy you remember. The dream was dying. He used to be the guy that wasn't like the others and would never hurt you, no matter how hard you tried to test him or drive him crazy he always said look I love you get over it ill always love you we will figure this out. But he was so far from that. Now he was the guy that would hurt you over something you didn't even do, something that was just in his head. You had struggles at first together, but you were able to learn and figure them out together, and it made us both proud when we fixed a problem. But now, it's the same problem, every day, but worse each time. He used to be the guy that would take you camping and stomp around naked chasing a possum in the woods, the guy that would take you driving and stop to save a turtle off a road. Now he just lays there like a log. He brought you to this cool town and took you to all different stores and new places to eat but now he just lays there and gets mad if you ask for anything. When yall met you didn't have any money for yourself but he always took you to get a pony or a calico critter and some eyelashes but now he won't even pay to get your nails done, once, ever. He used to hold you until you stopped crying but now he tells you to shut the fuck up. You used to do fun projects together but now he just blows money on fish crap and makes the house a mess.. He was your guy, your favorite person, the guy that always showed up to save you and always helped you and always was gentle and took his time and always took you on an adventure but now he just lays there like a log and yells at you and is always mad and always drunk.

I can't imagine what that betrayal felt like. Watching everything go sideways and backwards and watching the person you finally gave your heart and trust to just mash it up with a hammer.

Well I do because it happened to me too but that's not my point. You loved me and would do anything for me and I made you so happy and I ruined it all. You watched me lose my sanity and become an evil zombie right before your eyes. You just wanted it to stop and you wanted your boy back but you didn't know what to do and he blamed it all on you and it all got ruined. What a fucking nightmare.

And I think of this sweet special girl. I remember you being really hard to put up with, really hard to figure out, hard to find the key too. But I just always felt that weird synchronicity, I felt like God damn she is so weird and complicated but I actually understand her exactly and know exactly what to do. I'm the guy for her and I'm glad I found her because I know bad people would do a really bad job at dealing with her. I remember this naive girl, her emotions were big, so when she gave her trust she gave all of it, or she would do anything to not lose a friend. So I saw people take advantage of it, I saw her get hurt and manipulated and put in bad situations. She was pure and honest and the people around her weren't. That's why she keeps getting in trouble. So I knew she had my trust, and would follow me, and thought I was smart and knew better so she would listen to me, and she never wanted to lose me so she would do whatever it takes. So I took that trust, like a delicate crystal, and I said I'm gonna make sure I always take care of her, if she listens to me then I'm gonna tell her the right thing, and I'm always gonna be careful and true and gentle and do life right by her.

And now I'm gone. First, I fucked all that up, and now I'm gone. And I gotta sit here and worry that she will be with someone that will abuse her and she will stay because she loves them and forgives them for it. I gotta think about her manipulative friend and wander what kinda bad situation she will get in. I gotta hope that maybe she meets someone nice that will protect her but I just can't imagine what kind of strange creature she would have to meet that would really understand her problems, and really appreciate the good and best things about her.

And I remember this really cool girl I fell in love with. She would go hunt for bones in the forest, or go drive around at night, go to burger king stoned at 3am, go hang out the anime festival, and she had her bedroom how she liked it. And I took that from her, and suppressed it, and made her boring, and made her life boring. And I remember a girl that loved her family and being around them so much and I took her away from them and wasted her time. I remember a girl that had big dreams and big desires and lots of hobbies and I took those all away and said no to everything either because I couldn't afford it or I was sick and an asshole.

I remember a girl that loved me so much and tried to give me her everything and I just yelled at her and hurt her. A girl that would've gone with me anywhere and I never took her anywhere. A girl that would've truly accepted me for who I am but instead I hid it from her and let it turn into evil inside of me. A girl that was so beautiful and so amazing and probably just the coolest ever but I never told her that because I was scared. A girl I thought the whole world of and lived my life for except I never showed her that and now I'm just another one of her bad memories.

I look at who I am and who I'm becoming, and my real self. Someone you never met and someone I totally forgot about, yet somehow, pretty much the guy you loved. Somehow you knew who he was underneath all this shit. I'm starting to remember him and find little pieces of him. It disgusts me. I think this is the thing I feel worse about. Worse than all the other things, because those things wouldn't have happened if I was that guy. There's really no good way to explain this to you, but I know it's true. You can't even get it I think. It would sound like a lie. But yeah. You fell in love with one of of good parts of me, and didn't care about my problems or how I looked. Definitely I'll probably never look like your dream guy. But in my heart? I can't describe this guy but any other way than this. He's you. He's your imaginary friend. He is so much like the real you, it's like it's two parts of the same soul. The real true me, that I hid away from the world, that all this bad shit happened to and twisted up. He is you. It matches your soul and everything I miss about you. He would've said yes to everything you ever asked him. He would've watched a Disney princess movie with you like he was your best friend and you were 7 years old on summer vacation. He would've laughed at everything you showed him. He would've made you so many bead bracelets your arm would fall off. It freaks me out. I've thought so long on who you really are, and who I really am, and this part of me that is so deep down that I didn't even know its there, and that deepest part. It's you man. It's fucking you. Its like someone you would dream up to be your best friend. And for me, I'm gonna explore that more and try to bring him out. But you'll never get to meet him. Its like Santa is real and left a Christmas present under the tree just for you and God tied a bow around it, and I snuck in the window and stole it and fucking threw it off a bridge and yelled at you instead.

Thank you by the way. Just wanna throw a thank you in there. Thought I knew myself so well and that I was gonna teach you how to fight life like me, and then kick it's ass together. Instead, life won, and you taught me so fucking much about myself it's ridiculous.

And then there's the worst thing of all.

I'm stupid and my problems were stupid. The situation we were stuck in didn't have an easy answer, but making it through it together was far from impossible. I doubted that you loved me and now that my eyes are clear I can look back now and see that you loved the fuck out of me. I thought you weren't trying and didn't care but I look back and see you trying your hardest and never giving up. I tested your love with my bullshit over and over again and you still stuck around and obviously loved me. You always picked me no matter what was happening. You never once talked about leaving me. I look back at the problems I had searched to solve for 20 years and they all had simple answers. Mostly. The journey was hard to get those answers but that was my own fucking fault. I basically could've stopped being a stupid bitch at any time and the answers would've shown themselves. I didn't understand what was going on in my head and all I had to do was tell you. I kept it all a big secret. I kept it a secret from then one person on earth that would've understood and then you would've understood what was happening and been able to help. I needed your help but refused to let you or ask you. I loved you more than anything but I refused to tell you because I thought you would use it against me. I thought you were so cool and I enjoyed everything about you so much but refused to tell you because your ego was too big.

Basically, this whole thing was complicated as fuck and hard as fuck to figure out but the solution was simple and right in front of me. It's my fault for making it hard and loud and complicated and it's my fault for being blind.

There was one simple solution and I don't even care that there was a million things that hid it from me and misled with me. I'm a dumbass.

All I had to do was trust you. Tell you the bad thoughts I felt. Told you the good things I thought about you and how much I loved you. And you woulda been like oh OK no problem. All I had to do was stop drinking and eat better and go to a few doctors. All I had to do was be truthful and honest for you. That's it. All I had to do was not choose anger. Even if you had a hard time understanding me, or believing me, or tried to drive me crazy, all I had to do was admit to myself, and admit to you, how much I really loved you. All I had to do was stop living in fear and try to protect myself and see that right in front of my eyes is exactly what I think it is but won't except, the girl of my dreams, the girl I want to be with. All I had to do was put you first l, and put us staying together first, and this would be a beautiful love story. The situation wouldn't have changed, but we would've made the best of it and been good to each other, and things eventually would've gotten better, and we would be all good now and still together.

But no. That's not what I did. I kept secrets. I chose anger every time I had the chance to. I denied my feelings. I denied you the truth. I denied you encouragement and kind words. I kept loving you a big secret because I thought you didn't love me back so I wasn't gonna love you openly. I hid my problems and secrets and good things and bad things from you. I let my fears be reality, I didn't let the truth be reality. I was scared about things, and decided they were real, and that you were doing them. And now I sit here without you, you're gone forever, I hurt and betrayed you, and I write long rambling books about you like a fucking freak, when we could literally just be happy and have a good time. I chose darkness and pain over love and happiness. I hurt you.

My victory in my personal journey is fucked. I resent it. For so long, long before I met you, I felt so wrong inside, my life was so wrong. I DONT take accountability for that like I take accountability for our problems. I take accountability for SOME of it. But, I was fucked, my life fucked me, my brain fucked me, my molesters fucked me, the bullies fucked me, my bosses fucked me, and I decided you were just another person here to fuck me. But I was right. There was something wrong with my body, and I fixed it. There was something wrong with my mind, my brain, my psychology, my lifestyle, my life, my perception. I spent 20 years trying to fix it, and I finally did. So now I know it's possible. I know if I chose to not be a dumbass mean ass stupid fucking bitch, I could've done everything we planned to do, that whole goal we set our for to have a better life and be better people. I fucking did it. A year after you left. Nah not while the love of my life and the best friend I ever had was literally 5 feet away from me. Nah Nah. That would make too much sense. No my stupid fuckint ass chose to be shitty and keep suffering and hurt the fuck out of her and myself and she left forever, THEN I fixed it. I always thought these weren't things that could change and fix and I fixed them, it only cost me everything, it only came at the consequence of hurting the fuck out of you and the losing you, it only came at the cost of abusing myself and letting my life go so bad that I went into extreme debt, destroyed my life, killed all my pets, ruined my future, and created a horrible irredeemable past. THEN I fixed it all. I walk into my nice clean cool little house smelling good looking good with money in my pocket, full of energy, ready to cook or play or go somewhere, just got home from my good ass consistent job that let's me do my own thing and pays a lot for it, just living in the freedom of having a brain that works and a mind that's not trying to make me kill myself and a body that doesn't feel like molasses. And I don't deserve it, and it cost too much, and I have blood on my hands, and I should've done it for you, and you should be sitting there with a big glowing smile happy to see me and say we can go to daiso and Williams chicken and I say yeah sure let's go! I am nothing, I have nothing, I am the worst person that has ever lived. I am Diogenes of Texas. I worked my whole life to fix my problems and I hurt everyone around me. I completed everything I sought to do for 20 years and I destroyed everything around me. I pushed every good thing out of my life and ruined ever good chance I had. I hurt the fuck out of people, I am a bad memory in everyone's head. That's why I'm Diogenes. I finally did what I set out to do and got it all, but truly I have nothing, I live in a barrel, I have a lantern to light my path at night, and a cat sometimes comes by to keep me company. I am a wretch, a villain, and victimizer, and an oathbreaker. It was all my fault and it was at the cost of the trauma of those around me. I don't deserve the things I have or achieved, and I deserve the hell that I've made for myself. We could've had a beautiful love story, a lifelong friendship, a big ass romantic redemption arc, and a cool ass life life lots of smiles and fun and a big garden and lots of cute pets and fun memories and adventures and cool stuff, but because of ME and ME ALONE and by no others fault but MINE, we had a painful, unfixable, disgusting stinky hurtful memory of failure and remorse. That is my sin.

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