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cloudbxrry · 3 years

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hello, and welcome to my blog! You can see some of my info in the blog description, but this is for rules and additional information. If you do not agree with the rules here, you can leave.

ALSO, I am cynophobic (scared of dogs) so do NOT try to send me pics of dogs. Cute puppies are ok, but just don’t send your fearbeastpics. Also, please do not come onto my blog to just send hate abt how I’m scared of your “little fluff muffin who can do no harm”. I am not sending hate to your dog, or any dog. Only putting this here just in case. Idk why anyone would send dog pics, but I guess I want to be sure idk lmao. • Black Lives Matter

• I believe that many cops are kind, but DO NOT support police brutality or racist cops.

• Stop Asian Hate

• Fuck Donald Trump

• All lives matter

• Pedophiles are NOT part of the lgbt+ community

Trans men are men and trans women are women

Non binary and Agender people are valid, including those who use neopronouns

You do not need dysphoria to be trans

Terfs and any other people who exclude/gatekeep trans people are not welcome to interact with me, my blog, or my content

Queer is not a slur. It is perfectly acceptable to identify as queer

I support ace and aro people, who are queer and part of the queer community

Love is not inherently romantic. I support platonic and queerplatonic relationships, as well as those who do not wish to be in any relationship • Lgbt+ rights

A relationship does not need to be monogamous. I fully support people in polyamorous relationships

I support bi, pan, and multisexual people, who are queer and part of the queer community

Pedophiles are not part of the queer community and are disgusting humans that are not welcome on my blog

Incest is never okay in any circumstance, even if it’s between foster or adopted family members

All religions are valid and welcome on my blog

Indigenous lives matter

Free Palestine

All races are valid. Racists are not supported by me in any regard

Nazis, white supremacists, alt-right members, zionists, and any other members of discriminatory groups are not welcome here whatsoever

Disabled lives matter, and this includes both mental and physical disabilities

Women’s rights are extremely important and I support feminist movements

Sex workers deserve respect, safety, and security

Wearing a mask is extremely important. Everyone should be wearing masks in public no matter what

• Your mental illness does not give you the right to be an asshole

• Do not use harmful slurs

• Do not post/talk about nsfw content on this blog please. I am a minor and am not comfortable with those types of jokes

These things are not up for debate. If you don’t agree with all of these, my blog is not for you and I am asking you to not interact with my blog. Unfollow me, block me, do whatever you must.

If you do agree with all of these, you are welcome and accepted here with open arms. My blog is a safe place for all people. I will not tolerate discrimination of any kind. Thank you.

(credit to mayflowers07 for some of the rules on here, I am not very good at wording things and I didn’t want to offend anyone/forget anything

These were already said, but If you are racist, queerphobic, transphobic, homophobic, biphobic, a “battle-ax Bisexual” (as in being a Bi that does not supporting omni, pan, or other multisexual people), Aphobic, or bigoted in any way then you are not allowed on this blog. It is a safe place for people of any race, religon, neurodivergant, cynophobic, and mentally ill people.

A BIT ABOUT ME:

(most of this is in the blog description)

Name(s): Ari or Nova

Pronouns: She/They/He/Void

Hobbies: Reading, writing fanfic, sports, drawing, memeing, stalking tumblr /lh

I do Grit Ninja (look it up on google if your interested, it’s a gymnastic/parkour thing lmao idk how to describe things)

My favorite ship is Cremini/Alyssa (my and my friends OC’s, they are dryad cottagecore lesbians ❤️) I have adhd (undiagnosed), depression, anxiety (getting diagnosed), and am a Bisexual Agender person.

MY (CURRENT) FANDOMS:

• Dream SMP (only the fandom. I have never watched the streams and my attention span wouldn’t allow it. I have been lurking in the fandom for a while tho)

• Hermitcraft

• 3rd Life

• Evo SMP

• Percy Jackson (especially TOA)

• Warrior Cats (kinda)

OTHER TOPICS I WILL POST ABOUT:

• ADHD/Neurodivergant stuff

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Therapy

• Abuse/Child Abuse (and Ptsd/C-Ptsd)

• School

HOW THINGS WILL BE TAGGED ON THIS BLOG:

Answering questions will be tagged #Ari Q&A

My Art will be tagged #myart

Picrews will be tagged with #Aricrew

Things with my and my friends OC’s will be tagged #AriOCs

Updates on therapy (starting in 9 days!!!) will be tagged #Ari therapy

My rants (I rant A LOT) will be tagged #Ari rants

Serious content (s3lf h4rm, depression, anxiety, gender dysphoria, suicidal thoughts) will be tagged #Ari srs

Random, more lighthearted things will be tagged #Ari speaks

MumboJumbo angst things will be tagged #Mumbo Angst Society

(Will use tags to tag this post to demonstrate)

Backround info to the Mumbo Angst Society:

I had noticed there wasn’t a lot of mumbo angst, and I was confused because he has just so many angst options! So I posted abt that and @ mayflowers07 in the post, and they responded (small fanenby noises bc fanfic writers are awesome) and said “Well this is a pleasant surprise! Thank you op, I am honoured to be the sole provider of the Mumbo Angst Society.” So now im calling it the Mumbo Angst Society ok.

Will add more to this over time :) have a good day!

#additional info #introducing myself #myart #Ari Q&A #Aricrew #AriOCs #Ari therapy #Ari rants #Ari srs #Ari Speaks #Mumbo Angst Society

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thecommunityoftrustworthysinks · 5 years

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endgame thoughts

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

so. boy. okay. first things first, we are going to walk through this with the things i enjoyed/noticed first, and leave One Particular Event for fucking last because ive been blocking it out of my mind since friday morning and letting it loose is going to be. rough.

here we go. it’s gonna be a mess cause there is So Much and i need to see it again to get a better handle on everything that happened and the order

- IT STARTED SO SUDDENLY like i didn’t even have time to process Fucking Endgame Was Starting and there it was. damn

- TONY AND NEBULA TONY AND NEBULA TONY AND NEBULA FHVB FDHBFKHDKJCHJ NCDKJ GKJFJDKGH FERI UDJFCK

- “you won!” AAAAAAA

- HER LITTLE TOUCH ON HIS SHOULDER

- GIVING HIM THE REMAINING FOOD?????

- IM FUCKING SCREAMING EVERYONE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

- i actually ?? liked steve in this movie ?? i kinda liked him in first avenger and winter soldier, but even that was barely, most of the time (and for all other movies he was in) i either tolerated him or disliked him. but this one i actually liked his character, im impressed. job well done

- “i lost the kid.” FUCK ME UP WHY DON’T YOU???? GOD

- tony’s high as fuck rant at steve and the avengers dear god i was so fucking alive that was art that was fucking art and every second of it justified im so. ye S.

- okay. watching thanos get his head chopped off was one of the most satisfying things ive ever seen in my life holy fuck. i could watch that moment forever. our entire fucking theater cheered so loud like. god damn. yes.

- M O R G A N S T A R K M O R G A N S T A R K IM SCREAMING TONY AND PEPPER HAD THEIR KID ??? SHE WENT INTO THE GARAGE LOOKING FOR SUIT PARTS??/

- I LOVE YOU 3000

- IT’S SO SOFT

- DOMESTIC TONY

- YES

- THIS IS SO GOOD

- YES

- IM CRYING PLEASE

- EVERYTHING HE DESERVES

- tony just straight up figures out time travel on a whim one night? im fuc kingg. god i love that man

- can we just take a moment to appreciate scott lang

- ray of sunshine

- can we also take a moment to appreciate the like solid ten seconds devoted just to watching tony drive up to the compound

- like

- we all knew it was him, immediately

- just because of how fast he took that turn

- i love tony stark

- and i love his driving

- aLSO THE KID STUFF IN THE TRUNK I STAN A DAD

- have i mentioned i love tony stark

- Y’ALL NEBULA’S REDEMPTION IS ALL SHE DESERVED,,,, WORKING WITH THE AVENGERS,,,,FU CK,,, IM SO PROUD OF HER

- revisiting 2012 was so cool dhfgjdfhkjdfkjgdfkjghkdfgjdf

- a m e r i c a ‘ s a s s

- tony why were you checking out steve’s ass anyway, y’all got something to tell us

- who am i kidding we been knew tony’s bi

- but seriously all that banter, that’s the avengers we deserve

- “I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY” “YEAH YEAH I KNOW”

- ART

- A R T

- “that IS america’s ass”

- THEY WERE SO CLOSE MAN, THEY WERE SO CLOSE

- they had no way of knowing what was going to happen with nebula, of course. like fuck, man.

- looking back as an outsider’s perspective i wish she had stayed behind, because their plan would’ve been flawless

- don’t misunderstand me, it’s not nebula’s fault and im not saying that. they had no way of knowing that would happen, it’s just like...knowing it DID you wish you could’ve changed it

- QUILL’S SINGING,,,BLESS

- not sure how i feel about howard and tony’s scene cause like......howard was an abusive piece of shit to tony and i don’t really like that that’s just swept under the rug as “he tried” or whatever idk. but at the same time, it seemed to bring tony peace and if it brought tony peace, i can live with it

- fuck what happened after that

- oh yeah i should say i understand people’s complaints about thor as well, but i think that, while they went a little too far sometimes, overall he was treated okay. like the depiction of him in such depression was actually like, admirable? i know it was treated jokingly a little too much, and that’s valid. i’d change that if i could

- thor’s talk with his mom was so good though

- god his little “im still worthy!” like HhgdgSDHD h fuc kme UP

- and nat too, i should mention that. tbh i don’t feel like im the most equipped person to talk about nat’s death cause i like her, but i never LOVED her, or clint for that matter

- but regardless, once they went there i was like ?? who are they gonna give up ?? hello ??

- i didn’t feel much sadness about it, like it was like “oh, who is it? it’s probably gonna be nat. no, not nat :(” but i didn’t feel super sad

- UNTIL THEY STARTED BEATING EACH OTHER UP TO RUN OFF,,, AND THEN THEY WERE HANGING THERE AND SHE WAS ON THE BOTTOM AND CLINT WAS STRUGGLING SO HARD TO KEEP HER AND KEEP HIMSELF, DAMN IT THAT WAS ROUGH

- t h e n s h i t w e n t d o w n

- when thor, tony, and steve all walked out onto that battlefield to face thanos. boi.

- if i didn’t want to beat thanos’ FUCKING face in before (i did) I DEFINITELY DID THEN, I DO NOW, FUCK THAT PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT GRAPE BALL FACED MOTHERFUC-

- anyway

- okay we need a second because. when we started to see strange’s circle in the background. the theater gasped. we were all waiting for him to come through

- then it was the wakandans and i

- theN EVERYONE

- AND IT KEPT COMING AND THE MUSIC SWELLED AND PEOPLE SCREAMED AND I SCREAMED AND OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THAT WAS PROBABLY THE BEST MOMENT IN THE ENTIRE MCU HOLY FUCK,, GRAND PROPORTIONS WORTHY OF LORD OF THE RINGS HOLY FUCKING SHIT, ARMIES POURING IN TO FIGHT OFF THANOS AND HIS HOARD I

- GOD

- I CRIED

- that battle was incredible. everything about it.

- okay

- okay.

- the hug. can i. how do i. everyone listen i. peter’s there, talking and being so chatty like he always is, and tony just. oh my god. he just grabs him without hesitation and i . ls iten, i , o h ym god. i literally think i made some inhuman shriek in the theater that moment watered my crops and cleansed my skin and cured my depression that is all i ever need in life v

- BUT WHEN THE GUNS WERE FIRING AND PETER CRIED OUT AND CURLED UP IN THE FETAL POSITION AND COVERED HIS HEAD CAUSE HIS HELMET BROKE IM SO UPSET IM HURT

- ALSO THE SCENE WHEN THEY WERE JUST TOSSING PETER AROUND WITH THE GAUNTLET HGFJDGKDJF THAT WAS GREAT

- “hi, im peter parker” “hi peter parker, you got something for me?”

- y’all know what else we need to talk about.

- fucking

- mjolnir

- dude when it started moving i was like fuck yeah it’s gonna hit thanos on the head or something and then thor’s gonna beat his ass

- NO

- OH NO

- IT WAS SO MUCH BETTER

- I THINK THE THEATER EXPLODED

- LIKE FUCK YES CAP WITH MJOLNIR

- HELL FUCKING YES

- peter parker, the honorary woman

- that was a really cool scene though

- it’s so funny peter was just There but like no one cared cause he’s just the team baby

- WHEN THANOS GOT THAT GAUNTLET I WAS LIKE WHAT IN THE F U C K

- i didn’t think he’d actually get to use it but

- thEN STRANGE HOLDING UP HIS ONE FINGER LIKE....THIS IS IT

- oh my god

- oh my god ive never experienced a higher high than seeing tony motherfucking stark with the infinity gauntlet on his hand

- “and i...am iron man” FUCK

- FUCK YES

- oh my god i was literally weeping with pride and joy at that moment i literally

- that was one of the best fucking things ive ever seen

- endgame let me see thanos die twice, once with a chop to the head and once while he watched, watched as his army and goal crumbled to pieces around him

- sweet, sweet justice

- holy shit. that was good.

.....

aaaaaand we’re here everyone.

i have to talk about this now.

so i have pushed this out of my mind since friday, about midday, and never let myself think about it in detail until now, because i needed to fucking recover at least a little.

that. crushed me. im not even kidding when i say i felt like genuine shit after that. like. i had to watch tony stark die. in front of his wife and son. i don’t know how to express the grief and despair that brought me. it’s needless to say, but i sobbed, and i sobbed loud, and a lot. i was the only person audibly ugly crying in the dead silent theater. i just.

look, tony stark means so much to me. it’s wrapped up in rdj too, because he also came back from a real shitty place, but tony...i mean, he was an asshole, but he grew. he grew and humbled and...he is filled with so much love. his heart bursts with desire to save everyone he can, and i hate to see him filled with so much self hate. all these years, seeing him grow and deal with ptsd and anxiety and getting over abuse, and all the healthy and unhealthy ways he expresses his mental illness, getting therapy, becoming a father figure to peter and trying his fucking hardest to not be a dad like his dad. it’s inspiring as hell to say the fucking least. it’s enough, to explain my grief, to say i love him, because i do. more than a lot of things, honestly. but he means so much more than that to me. he embodies second chances, and trying harder, perseverance, and the idea that you CAN come back, you don’t have to give in, be it to the evil powers in the depths of space, or your own shitty parents, or even the shit in your own head. you can stand up, try harder, and win. maybe it’s not easy, but people will be there with you, you don’t have to be alone, you don’t-

this is so fucking hard. i was devastated thursday night. i could barely move from that moment until the end of the goddamn credits. and of course, seeing the funeral and rdj’s signature just made it worse. all i wanted that night was to be unconscious, that’s how awful i felt. i went to bed so early and couldn’t even fall asleep for fucking hours because i was so shocked and in pain and tormented by this. i couldn’t even talk about the movie. i couldn’t even think about the movie until later on friday. and the only reason i could then was because i started a fix it fic that granted me some semblance of peace.

tony stark is a fucking incredible character and person, and i know some people will think it’s dramatic to react this way, but i know im not the only one because ive seen so many posts that echo these feelings. and im not going to apologize for how i feel.

of course, im angry about the writing too. he didn’t deserve that. they even GAVE him his retirement, and then stole it away. he only got four/five years with his daughter. he only got two years with peter. peter JUST saw him again and tony got ripped away. this isn’t right. this isn’t okay. it’s not a satisfying end for his character or his character arc. it’s wrong.

and it’s even more wrong in light of steve’s. their endings should have been reversed. steve never would’ve left bucky and sam and just gone and lived a domestic life. that boy has been fighting the bad in back alleys since he was a tiny sick teenager. his life has always been wrapped in fighting for the greater good, and a sacrificial end for him would’ve been perfect. sad, heart wrenching, and perfect.

tony on the other hand, his life has been plagued with battles and fights and he never really wanted it. he wanted to help, so he always did it, but he just wanted peace with a family. would it really have been so hard to just give it to him? please? please. im still pretending it’s what he got because i literally don’t think i could handle this any other way.

im proud of him, of course. but im angry because this was in the hands of the writers. they chose to do this and they could’ve chosen not to do it. there would have been so many ways to have him survive that. paralysis, or mental damage, or let them share the snap “dance off to save the universe” style (not my idea, a friend’s), or just...i don’t know. so many options. let him raise his daughter. let him continue to mentor peter. i know they wanted to end his arc in the mcu, but they could’ve. we all would’ve accepted a retirement with cameos. please. i know they tried to show that he would’ve always gotten back to the fighting life but like. look, he was tied up with thanos since he saw him through the wormhole. i think, after that, especially if he was permanently injured from the snap, he could’ve stayed home and been okay letting the new heroes fight the big fights.

it hurts. it really hurts. im not going to get over this soon, if ever, honestly. all i can hope is some day, since i liked everything else, i can learn to appreciate this movie and enjoy it as best i can, given that. right now it just hurts.

#x #this post is eight miles long im sorry #endgame #endgame spoilers #avengers endgame #tony stark

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imrisah · 6 years

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How much do you draw in a day? im trying to kinda work out a good schedule because 1) i have a full time non art related job and 2) my depression and art block is kicking my ass, so im trying to find a good drawing schedule to kinda gradually force myself back into drawing as much as i used to? like idk i dream so much of being as great as you and i just started digital art and i know the only way to not suck is to actually draw but im having a hard time with that :(

Hey darling ❤️ the straight answer is: not a lot, and not as consistently as I'd like. I have an art related job, but artist isn't my only role, so I can go from drawing 8 hours a day to none at all for weeks on end. As for personal drawings, I try not to go a single day without it, but that very often means doodling something bad on my sketchbook on the train for five minutes and then falling asleep. On a good day or for the comic, I can squeeze out a couple of hours in the evening before crashing into bed.

personally I strongly believe that forcing yourself to draw is never the answer, especially if depression is in the mix. If you're not used to having a fixed schedule or amount of hours, your first step should be to get used to having a pen in your hand every day. Get so used to it that you can feel it when you skip a day. Make yourself want it.

In my opinion you should never do more than what you really feel like doing, it can cause a lot of frustration which is very counterproductive. If you take it in baby steps, you can build up your drawing stamina slowly, like physical exercise if that makes sense?

Whatever your may say, I'm really not that great and I've only come to be consistent and disciplined very very recently.

Tldr: don't beat yourself up, you have to be kind to yourself because how can you enjoy doing something if it only causes frustration? You're doing it for fun, don't turn it into another job. This is also very important to overcome art blocks btw!

#spaghetti rant #answered #anonymous #art tips #Long post #i hope this helped #i feel like i just went on a tangent here

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uniformbravo · 6 years

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ffuckcingn Part 2 where i talk more abt resolutions But This Time Writing

some resolutions in terms of Not Drawing. non art related goals. i really want to start writing again? like, definitely not as serious as art, this is like a personal enjoyment kind of thing, like a hobby? idk i guess it doesn’t matter really but ok basically, i have all those millions of documents in my phone right. all the thousands of fic ideas that i have but can’t get myself to write? i want to. write them,,

not all of them, probably definitely not all of them but i mean, i made this to-do list for myself, because i kind of have this thing i do that’s basically become tradition at this point where at the end of every semester im always scrambling to get finals done and while im doing that i get The Procrastination Urge where i suddenly get super excited to do everything that isn’t my homework, so i write it all down in a to-do list for after finals week is over & then i have Goals for the break in between semesters so i have stuff to do instead of just taking a thousand week-long depression naps, right. i mean, whether i actually ever do the things on my lists is another matter entirely but The Point Is i make them and i have them & on the most recent list one of the items is “write at least one fic & post it”

which i feel like is a pretty decent goal? with the number of fucking ideas i have crammed into my phone’s limited memory it’s not like i’ll exactly be wracking my brain for ideas, and i do genuinely enjoy writing, it’s just. my problem with writing in recent years has been mostly a lack of the required energy & motivation it takes to write out a full story, and i always just attributed that to depression, which is. partly true. i mean it’s fuckin valid as fuck but i think i’ve also come to realize that the reason it takes so much energy for me to write is because i’m a huge perfectionist when it comes to writing

like, im a perfectionist in general, and i’ll get all hard on myself about art too, but i feel like i have a much higher standard for my writing and That’s a big ol’ problem because my current skill level is way below that standard unless i push myself to my limit, which is where the massive energy suck comes from which is why i never write

i’ve seen some very good art advice before which is “let your drawings suck.” you can’t get better if u don’t crank out a bunch of shitty drawings first, etc. etc. and like, i never thought to apply that to writing too??? i’ve always been so caught up in, like, the concept of good writing; i feel like i know what makes a good story and i know the kinds of things to avoid and i know the principles of a successful narrative, but actually trying to put that knowledge into practice, getting into the details and each specific building block of a story is an entirely different process

it’s the difference between visualizing a painting & then actually painting it. it never comes out exactly how you pictured it because you never know what it’s gonna look like before you make it, you can’t know because it doesn’t exist yet. things happen in the process of making it, a multitude of factors influence you as you’re working on it, you know, things you couldn’t have predicted.

what i’m getting at is that me feeling like i know how to write doesn’t mean i actually know how to write and because i thought i knew how to write i felt like anything less than perfect writing was unacceptable because come on, you know this, you can do better than this, and i’ve let that hold me back for uh. a very long time

because the other way i’ve been looking at writing is. there is no sketching. with drawing, you have doodles, sketches and finished pieces. the way i was looking at it, writing is always the finished piece, so it always has to be polished and flawless, and i think part of that might be just the general way people seem to view writing, that it’s either Good or Bad, right. art is fine because everybody’s at a different skill level, everybody’s learning, but when people read something it’s always about “are they in character is the dialogue believable is the plot engaging is the vocabulary descriptive enough etc etc” and if it doesn’t meet most or all of those criteria then it’s a Bad Fic and it’s not worth their time

(which, side-note, i suppose the most significant reason for the difference between people’s attitude towards art vs writing would be the amount of time it takes to consume each one, right)

so i’ve always put this pressure on myself to write to the absolute best of my ability (and then some) or else it was shitty, embarrassing, things like that. and now that i’ve taken enough steps back to realize this, i want my new attitude towards my writing to be just. whatever happens happens. if you’re writing, then you’re practicing, and if you’re practicing, then you’re improving. anything is better than just letting ideas rot because you’re paralyzing yourself with a standard so high there’s no point in even trying to reach it. why try to scale a fuckin 50 ft wall when u can take the stairs, u know?

so this year im just gonna let myself write shitty stories & have as much fun with it as i can & not worry about making it perfect because literally 6 years went by because i wanted it to be perfect & i have fuckin jack shit to show for it. im just gonna Do it

and for my final resolution, along those same lines, i want to work on comics this year. i feel like comics are the ultimate combination of art and writing, at least for me. i need to know how to structure a story as well as put visuals to it, get a lot better at visual storytelling. i want to get a feel for how to lay out panels and how to pace things so that the story flows smoothly while remaining engaging and hitting all the beats it needs to, and just. idk i feel like such a beginner when it comes to comics and if that’s something i really want to do then i need to get started on really learning it, you know?

something that i feel like was helping me was actually redrawing pages of comics that i like; it’s one thing to study a comic by reading it & paying attention to things like layout and borders, but when i started redrawing a page of mp100, for example, i really got a close-up sense of what it’s like to actually... do it. because if you’re actually drawing the thing out for yourself, you can’t skip any details accidentally because you have to pay attention to everything if you want to replicate it accurately (or at least you have to see what’s going on in the original to be able to change it to whatever you want to change it to)

so i think this year im gonna do more comic studies, redraw some pages from my faves to see what’s really going on, and hopefully become more familiar with the process of making comics. i also want to making short comics of my own, which is where the storytelling comes in- the more creative elements as opposed to the technical aspects. i’ve had a few ideas for short comics in the past but i haven’t actually made them for a similar reason to the whole writing thing. just perfectionism in general. i need to let myself make shitty comics to be able to get to the good ones, so like. practice. experimentation. all that kind of stuff

anyway that’s pretty much it for resolutions this year? at least anything relating to art & writing. there are some that im confident i can do and some that im feeling a little shakier about but im at least willing to give them a shot and hopefully by the end of the year i’ll have made progress i can be proud of

#retag later #talkin bout stuff #resolutions n shit #hmm theres more smaller resolutions that i felt like didn't fit into this post but that's ok #mainly i just wanted to say i'm gonna try to be more active on yt as in posting more often than every 2 months #still not weekly uploads but at /least/ monthly would be nice. every 2 weeks would be fantastic #& then for piano i wanna try to get better at recording my shit. not messing up as much. just getting better in general

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noxiim · 7 years

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(1/3)Okayyyy so i mightve sent a few asks abt this before but this topic is really now bugging me cuz i have depression and im sensitive to like everything. Im starting to take this "not getting notes on my art" thing really personally and i know it sounds childish (and i laugh at myself for it) but i cant help but get upset when i spend so much time and effort and get like no feedback. And i know people say not to draw what u love and not for attention but honestly i dont even know what

and i dont even know if im drawing what ilike sometimes. Yeah i love bts but i dont know if i like what im drawing or ifim just doing it for notes???? And i have a lot of anxiety too and thats wherei feel like im taking this too personally. Cuz im starting to think that my artdoesnt get notes cuz its straight up not good which leads me to think ishouldnt even try to pursue a career in art anymore. But im not good atanything else so wtf am i gonna do if i dont succeed in art???? Like i said i laugh at myself for thinking like this and iprobably sound like a fuckin child but i cant help it???? Like i think my artis decent???? But maybe its not???? Idk like this was really hitting me todaycuz i feel like im wasting so much time and im probably gonna be one of thosepoor college students cuz i decided to focus on art more rather than taking ajob cuz i thought i could make money off of my art but yknow clearly its notgoing so well and im scared for my future U dont have to give advice to all of that i just needed tolet that all out

Aw dude don’t worry I get what you mean,I actually experienced something similar when I first started posting my art totumblr, and even recently when I first started posting bts fanart. It’sperfectly normal to want recognition (in this case in the form of notes) forsomething you worked so hard on!! I think one of the major issues with postingto such a big fandom such as bts though is that there’s so many peopleproducing content at any given time, that it’s incredibly easy to get drownedout. Especially since tumblr changed how search and track tagging worked, itmade it that much harder for people to get noticed for their content.

When I first switched to drawing for bts,I found it hard because I also focused a lot on my note count. For someone whowas originally well established in a previous fandom, the move to bts was quitea jarring experience. I had built my following on tf2 art, and used toconsistently get a couple hundred notes, but one of main reasons why I left wasbecause of the dwindling of note counts. When I first left, overwatch had justcome out and a lot of attention shifted towards that game away from tf2, andalthough I still love the game, the dramatic decrease in notes on my art fortf2 really made me sad and I ended up deciding to leave the fandom after 3years of drawing tf2 art. I hopped around a bit, before eventually getting intobts. Even then, my first few pieces (they’re not on my #bts fanart tag so mostpeople wouldn’t have ever seen them) either got no notes at all or only two orthree. It was easier for me to establish myself in a fandom such as tf2 back inthe day since it was such a small, tight knit community with limited contentcreators, but now with bts there are so many more people and it just seemedhopeless for a while and I lost motivation in my art. I stopped wanting todraw, since it felt like nobody cared. Art is the biggest hobby I have, solosing my confidence in my art was crushing.

Now you might be wondering how I got towhere I am today. I’ll be completely honest with you. For me, I highly doubt Iwould be anywhere near where I am if it weren’t for networks. I had neverjoined a network before, but decided to join armiesnet and jimin network one daywhen I saw that applications were open. I got accepted, and I joined theirrespective group chats too. I met lots of great people on those chats, and madea lot of new friends which was nice after having moved fandoms and lost touchwith many previous mutuals. I’m so glad I joined networks, because not only doyou have the chance to make mutuals who will support you and your art, thenetwork blog itself also reblogs all its members’ content which gives youexposure to members of the network through both the network tag and through thedashboard. It’s a perfect way to get started, rather than hoping that somebodywith a decent following will happen to stumble across your work in the tags oneday and reblog it.

That being said, unless you’re like somesort of godly human being I don’t think we can ever get over how note countsfeel as an artist. We need something to gauge people’s response to our art, andthat tends to default to note counts. I can assure you that the feeling of disappointmentwhen your post doesn’t get as many notes as you want/expected it to is a thingpretty much all artists on this site shares. People always say “you should drawfor yourself, not for other people” but that’s the equivalent of like say themona lisa being painted and then left to rot in Da Vinci’s closet or something.The whole point of art is sharing your ideas/love for something through yourdrawings with other people, and so it’s perfectly normal to want therecognition you deserve for working so hard and putting so much love into yourcraft. When it feels like you’re all alone, you have to remember not to giveup. Creating art in such a big fandom can be unforgiving, but just rememberthat your art is never the one at fault. It’s all about finding that littlegolden window of exposure, whether it be through one big blog or a couplesmaller blogs reblogging your work. Those kind few people will be what helpsyou grow, and you have to keep posting for that to happen. If you water a plantbut it doesn’t bloom the next day, abandoning it will get you nowhere. If youjust keep going, keep watering it, results will come. Keep reminding yourselfthat you’re doing well, and you can compare older art to your current art tosee the progress and keep you motivated. Don’t force yourself to draw if youaren’t feeling it – art is something that should make you happy. I used to drawbecause I felt the pressure to put out content, but that just resulted in mefalling into a negative spiral of art block, limited motivation and generalunhappiness with my art as a result. Remember that there’s no such thing as adeadline when it comes to posting art on tumblr – work at whatever pace suitsyou and if anybody tries to rush you, shut them down. You’re the artist, youget to choose what you do with your art, how you do it, and how long you spendon it.

If you truly have your sights set onbecoming an artist full time, then by all means go for it! I can’t give muchadvice in that area since I only plan on keeping art as a hobby, but justremember that art school is always optional. In the end, working as an artistis all about the portfolio, not where you graduated from. It’s more importantto work on your art than it is to get in to an amazing art school. Sure, artschools can be useful, but in the end they are simply tools, sort of like atutorial rather than something that will magically turn you into an amazing artistwith amazing job offers. At the end of the day, it’s all up to yourself to workhard and promote yourself. Since art is all about reaching different audienceswith your work, promoting yourself is essential, even if it’s just casualfanart on tumblr. Feedback can’t come without exposure, and exposure can’t comewithout self-promotion.

Lastly, remind yourself that there’s nosuch thing as ‘bad art’. That might sound like a stupid statement, but inreality art is a constantly changing thing. There is no pinnacle of perfection,no model artwork that represents the most perfect drawing out there. Everyonehas different styles, everyone has different approaches, and most importantly,everyone is still improving. I’m still learning and trying to improve my ownart, and there’s no shame in that. It’s easy to perceive someone else’s art asbetter than yours which would lead to some self-critical thoughts, but you haveto remember that the other artist is probably looking at their own art andpicking it apart, thinking “aw man there are so many mistakes here.” It’s fineto make mistakes, after all, that’s how we learn. Just because we see mistakesin our own art doesn’t mean that everyone else will too – nobody looks at artand their first thought is to list all of the mistakes present. As long as youare aware of what you are less confident in and actively work to improve it,you can quickly surpass even the people you look up to.

So yeah, sorry that this is hella longlol, but in all honestly I can understand what you’re going through. It’seasier said than done, but even though it might feel hard - don’t give up. Youmight feel like you’re not getting anywhere at the moment but I assure you thatif you just keep going, things will only get better. That’s the thing abouttumblr, if you keep posting art your audience can only grow. For now, I would definitelyrecommend joining some networks, and making some friends. It’s not uncommon forpeople to promo their own work in the network chat occasionally, as long as youdon’t spam haha

Anywho, I wish you the best of luck withyour art journey. If you need me you know where to find me 💕💕💕

#long post #sorry I kind of rambled #but anon if you want to talk to me don't be afraid to message me instead #I'm always here if you need to vent 💕#asks #Anonymous #art asks

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zakziki · 7 years

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got a rude message in my inbox talking about me moving with little money. So here’s a brief rundown as to why im going through this temp move for peeps not in the know and the peep calling me ‘irresponsible’. more under the readmore.

My mom had a health scare back in June and nobody got back to me to tell me she didn’t have cancer until about a month later despite me calling multiple times. I started thinking about how i disconnected from her over the last 6 years and brought up that I think I might move up there to spend time with her through the Christmas season temporarily but I wasn’t sure.

So my dad decided to tell everyone I was moving, at my brother’s birthday party they all sounded excited to hear i was indeed moving. I however didn’t decide to move at that time and in no way announced my consideration to anyone but my dad. Later that week he insisted I was leaving, emphasizing he’s going to remodel the place we live in, redoing the floors and kitchen and bathroom and that if i stayed i’d have to essentially be annexed off into my room for a week to a month. This would mean I wouldn’t have access to the door out of the house, the kitchen, anything short of the bathroom.

When I said I was reconsidering because I couldn’t make the money to make the move comfortably when he wanted me gone he started harassing me over my reasons, including an event i was scheduled to attend MONTHS ago, but i stood firm at least for that. He tried talking me out of bringing just about anything, including my cat, which he would have started putting outside despite being a purely indoor cat. So after fighting to bring my pet and some of my own possessions along he’s nagging me to pack faster and clean the house and stop interacting with friends and that I don’t /need/ certain things that belong to me. Just today he was boasting about how nice it’ll be without me around, so that felt good, idk why he’s being such a prick but I’ve helped pay for bills and worked around the house to do my part so i feel a bit shitty about the whole thing.

This will be a temporary move in any case. He knows im coming back in a little under 4 months, he wants me back to cook and clean, but since I’ve gone through all this shit when I come back I’m aiming to leave using whatever money i can make while I’m gone. Wages are better up north, and if I work through both a standard job and my art maybe i can afford a small used car and rent for a one bedroom flat.

I’m moving out of this house with work supplies, a bag of clothes, my cat and his belongings, a wood futon chair, a gaming system (because like hell im leaving that behind), and a few plushies and trinkets including things from friends, and my blanket. But I’ve need to pay for a new carrier/crate to comfortably move my cat, a tablet to work off of because i’ve been using a friend’s for the last two years, and i need a desk to work off of. Where I’m moving to I’ll have access to a bed and a unsecured wobbly desk that I can’t reliably place my PC and tv/monitor on. I managed to buy a crate for my captain today at a reasonable price but i need a bit more before i can pay for much of anything else.

I’ve been struggling with depression for the past two months near constantly and haven’t had the energy to do a lot. I’ve been trying for a while to put on a smile and look at the bright side of all this, getting myself pumped about being two blocks from the library and 5 from the mall, maybe being able to meet new friends, getting to experience more varied foods, cheap-ish travel to NYC if i really want to go and planning a little partything for as a late halloween for when i’m back! Even so when people need me I try to do my best, but through this I've felt really lonely dealing with this whole process. It’s hard to stay positive when you’re essentially being kicked out and the only explanation you get is ‘well i wanna change things up’.

So that’s the reason I’m moving with only a little money lol. IDK how i’m gonna get through this but i’ve lived through worse and survived so I just gotta work hard and get my shit goin’. And sorry i know this isn’t written very clearly i’ve been exhausted for this past week trying to get things together in time for both yesterday’s convention and this friday night’s move.

#zilla's personal shit #here i go with this longass textshit skip it if you aint in for the long haul #delete it later zilla

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moralchaos · 7 years

Text

Rp Thread Tracker

I have now officially gotten a Thread Tracker, I hope it works out, seems to be right now but not sure how it will work when Im model almost 95% of the time lol

Im still on Hiatus, I do come on here and scroll threw my Dashboard and reblog transformers stuff, stuff chaos likes, art etc. I have found the muse for a couple of rps if you haven't seen that already. I reply when Chaos seems to like it and have the muse for it and when I have time. Other then that, if I'm writers block I won't answer it until I have something.

But if we do have an rp Im pretty sure I got all the ones that are active on Thread Tracker so all good. Ill get to them whenever I want to. Idk when that will be.

I am doing a little better. Not as depressed but still stressed as hell but whatever I guess.

Im okay....could be better

Love you all

MC~

#mun speaks #dl

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tealime9 · 5 years

Text

rant???? yeah ignore this is 3AM remembering bad person

that i am lol and- OH MY GOD THE FUCKING UNDER READ WORKS. cool.

i was in an outdated part of tumblr which didnt let me post, im not gonna write again but keep rambling.

ahem

I mean really im feeling a lot of pressure sticking in.

End of college!

Getting a job!! (how do you job??? how do you talk in a interview?????? I DONT KNOW IF MY WORK IS WORTHY AT ALL?????)

relationships!!!

ART BLOCK ?! ?! ?! ?!

DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND EMPATHY KICKING IN!!!!!!

LIKE FOR DAMN REAL????

I DONT THINK DISTRACTING IS WORKING AT ALL??? OF COURSE ITS NOT!!!!

I AM PRETENDING TO KNOW ANYTHING AND BEING AN ADULT AND I APARENTELY CANT EVEN BE FUCKING RESPONSIBLE???? IM TRYING BUT WHAT

WHAT IS HAPPENING

CMON GOTTA CHANGE GOTTA BE BETTER AND and..

and what the hell really.

I know im depressed hitch.

like tbh its like my 3th year of high school

except is not im feeling like im going to die in the woods whatever THE FUCK was that feeling.

I feel hopeless. I feel like its not being worth of even waking up.

I feel like this might be a year i fucking kill myself dude. for presure???? what is this being so stupid.

what. jsut. WHAT.

I hate how im always awake. I hate how im always kinda cocon and my feelings get in the way.

I...

I dont wanna exist. I dont want any of this.

I hate this feeling.

Im gonna fucking search a therapist. Its needed!!! hahahahahahhahahaha oh goodness.

Im a wreck of human being. Let me be. Its...

Its time to tell.

I fucking caaaaant.

*sigh*. okay not the best lift but better than anything? wake up tomorow, hope Jazz come to help me somehow.

(hope maybe Alex will become a damn host cuz lmaooooooo its. wow. but hey im happy Gem is also back and having more golly time)

You know, I noticed how i get to end up surfacing and fronting while with others. because i see something interesting that might make me happy? and then I. I just end up coming to see and experience and then I fail it.

I screw up everything. I hold everyone back. My life? do I even want to be my life???

I guess I do.

But life aint just pleasure and i dont know why I dont understand that YET????

ugh

not being easy. no matter how much im supressing my emotions and yeah I shouldnt but wow yeah thats happening.

Im scared.

yeah.

Tomorow. Jazz me and Alex aight? therapist seeking pool and idfk whatever u want. buy a skateboard for all I care. dont forget the helmet.

oh!maybe a bit of. doing the- yeah I’ll do the dishes thanks for reminding me. But no. Talking with R friend as soon as possible abt the job stuff and anxiety and all. curriculum idk. Go to the google one like F friend said!!!!

edit: also i feel hopeless seing my country being ruled over a idiot who want to destroy everything and makes us look worse to the world outside and im like what the fuck but worse he took the fucking human right from lgbtq people like???? and want to destroy amazonia cuz damn greedy farmers and took the rights from the lands of the native people and they re getting fucking killed and and.

and I dont know what to do. I feel like I should do some hero/anti hero shit thing and want to go ape shit but i aint shit to do that and im like. What the hell do I do????

feeling like isolating trying to see other things but that doesnt change and I dont know what to do. Sincerely want to tear open some people that gave him any kind of fucking support like ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID CONGRATULATIONS YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS WITHOUT ANY EMPATHY AT ALL.

and now im becoming apathetic and at the same time not cuz im trying to ignore and everytime i remember that i feel like fucking go ape shit and i cant and its just.

stressful. stressful fucking year.

thats one more whys i want to freaking kill myself ahahahhahahahhahhahhaha I see no hope and dont know how any can go better OR MYSELF GOING BETTER IM SCARED MAN .

edits over i think

ok i’ll try to sleep bye

#rant #vent #leave me to vent alone i just need to #spit it out i guess #im #oof

0 notes

natural--trash · 7 years

Text

Tag thing, wanted to do it for some time but now im at my comp and stuff so uh yeah anyways

Rules: once you’ve been tagged you’re supposed to write a post with eighty-two truths and then tag twenty-five people

I was tagged by @fluffyliontae

Name: tsu (just call me that, or susu or smth yknow)

Blood type: A-

Nickname(s): susu, mym

R/s: single

Zodiac Sign: libra

Pronouns: eh whatever, on some days its he > she > they but it can also be a diff order so yeah seriously whatever floats your boat

Favorite TV Shows: W - Two Worlds (same), a Persona 5 anime could be one of them but there’s none

Long or short hair: long

Height: 162cm or so

Do you have a crush on someone: romantic none, aesthetic ones? squishes? hoo boy

What do you like about yourself: my eyes, that cute scar on my hand

Right or left handed: right

List of three favorite colors: too many, i mostly like colour combos, but light blue, black and #540003 i guess

RIGHT NOW

Eating: nothing, i had brownie ritter sport a bit earlier tho

Drinking: water

I’m about to: draw

Listening to: Believer - Imagine Dragons

Kids: 0

Get married: nah

Career: I want money

MOST RECENT

Drink: water

Phone call: i think my uncle??

Song you listened to: before Believer there’s Bonfire on my spotify playlist but rn its Queen by History

HAVE YOU EVER

Dated someone twice: nah

Been cheated on: thats a long story

Kissed someone and regretted it: dont think so

Lost someone special: hmm

Been depressed: yeah

Been drunk and thrown up: never drunk alcohol

Kissed a stranger: nope

Had glasses or contacts: yeah

Had sex on the first date: nope

Broken someone’s heart: not that im aware of it

Turned someone down: kinda??

Cried when someone died: yeah

Fallen for a friend: im aro, that doesnt work

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

Made a new friend: yes

Fallen out of love: no

Laughed until you cried: yes

Met someone who changed you: mhhh dont think so?

Found out who your true friends were: kinda (I’m sorry that I’m always answering like this omg)

Found out someone was talking about you: cant remember

Kissed someone on your fb list: i dont use fb

WHICH IS BETTER

Lips or eyes: eyes

Hugs or kisses: hugs

Shorter or taller: taller

Romantic or spontaneous: platonic

Sensitive or loud: sensitive

Hookup or relationship: friendship

Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

FIRST

Best friend: have conatct with both or them but we’re not as close? although I still don’t mind lying/rolling around on his floor

Surgery: does removing my wisdom teeth count? (does it?)

Sport: swimming (I wish I hadn’t stopped)

Vacation: Turkey

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

Yourself: depends on the day (same)

Miracles: yeah

Love at first sight: i dont rly believe in romantic love, but other than that yeah has flashbacks to when x impulse bought a ps vita

Heaven: i want to

EXTRAS

How many people from your fb list do you know irl: i still dont use fb

Do you have any pets: i used to have a duck

Do you want to change your name: yeah kinda i’d prefer something gender neutral

What did you do for your last birthday: i played video games at home bc i have no friends

What time did you wake up today: idk, fell asleep again

What were you doing last night at midnight: internet

Something you can’t wait for: when i move out

Last time you saw your mom: some minutes ago

What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: how my brain is sometimes

Have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah, had a classmate with that name

What’s getting on your nerves: loud noises in the morning, often ppl i dont consider as friends

instructions: You can tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to. Put your music on shuffle and list the first 10 songs, then tag 10 people. No skipping.

(should i do the whole thing?? ok lemme get my phone pls note that i havent gotten the p5 ost yet)

Obtained a Berry! - DP OST

actually there comes some more Nintendo OST

Awake -BTS

Young Forever (unplugged ver) - BTS

crow tit (jpn) - bts

Mein Block - Sido

We don’t talk anymore - Jungkook

a song i do not remember what it was

Faint - Linkin Park

La la La - naughty boy

i think its time to make a new playlist bc i dont listen to some pop songs anymore

so uh yeah the whole thing it is

5 things you’d find in my bag:

tissues, a shit ton

wallet

probably some paper

charger

phone

5 things you’d find in my bedroom:

desk

clothes

stuffed animals

bed

my computer

5 things i always wanted to do in life:

Travelmore

Get a job i love

Own a cat

Get a life I like

Have ppl I’m close with that are not far away

5 things i’m currently into:

video games

persona 5, fire emblem heroes (they deserve their own point)

kpop

art

ummm edgesthetic?

5 things on my to do list:

go to a BTS concert

get a part time job

learn Japanese and perhaps Korean and get better at French

visit all the countries I still want to go to

get better at drawing

5 things people may not know about me:

I would love to study video game development but I’m too scared of what’s after that plus there’s no way I’ll get accepted hahaha

i love min yoongi and his mixtape bc he idk he helped me think that maybe not everything in my life will be shitty later and that maybe I’ll be able to be happy one day

I’m currently in a more down phase

i have problems with my sense of reality

i have a cute scar on my hand

Top 10 BTS Songs Tag:

House Of Cards (Full Length Edition)

House Of Cards [OUTRO]

Good Day

No order from here on

4. I NEED U (Japanese Ver.) 5. FOR YOU 6. 쩔어 (Dope) 7. 등골브레이커 (Spine breaker) 8. 24/7 = Heaven 9. Blood Sweat & Tears 10. Not Today

I have time

10 groups/artists you like besides Kpop/liked before Kpop:

nqrse ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎

Fall Out Boy

Panic! at the Disco

DAOKO ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎

Casper

Die Ärzte

I think that’s it

DAT ADAM

uhh I liked Abingdon Boys School at some point

idk the old Sido songs aint bad?

10 favorite non-kpop songs:

ダイスキ - DAOKO

BANG! - DAOKO

Das Grizzly Lied - Casper

パラサイト(Parasite) - nqrse feat.まふまふ,luz

ECHO - まふまふ (mafumafu) feat.nqrse

p much any song sung by nqrse im sorry im trash hmu and ill link you some good stuff

Believer - Imagine Dragons

Bonfire - Felix Jaehn, ALMA

Die Vergessenen 1/2 - Casper

omg i totally forgot about OSTs Toberu Mono from The Last Stiry, too much from Persona 5 liek Beneath the Mask, Last Surprise etc

10 favorite movies:

i don’t watch enough :c

10 favorite tv shows, including anime & cartoons:

W - Two Worlds

Acchi Kocchi

Psycho Pass

I’m giving up

10 things you enjoyed before kpop/enjoy besides kpop, that won’t fit in the lists above:

music

art

video games

esp atlus n nintendo games!!

cute soft stuffed animals

flight rising

sarma

collecting cute key charms

collecting cute things in general

dancing

ten tag last movie you watched: i dont know

last song you listened to: that one song mentioned above by Daoko

last show you watched: I Hear Your Voice

last book you read: Der Vorleser by Bernhard Schlink, don’t read it

last thing you ate: chocolate

if you could be anywhere in the world right now where would you be: Tokyo

when would you time travel to: itll be spontaneous

first thing you would do with lottery money: buy a loft

character you would hang out with for a day: P5 Protagonist

time right now: 23:52

the ‘or’ tag

build a snowman with v OR have a snowball fight with j-hope

get coffee with suga OR get ice cream with suga

go to the cinema with jimin OR the amusement park with jungkook

do a dance cover with j-hope OR sing a duet with jin

kiss rap monster OR cuddle suga

babysit with jimin OR dogsit with v

meet j-hope’s family OR have v meet your family

film a commercial with j-hope OR film a sketch with v

hug jimin OR hold hands with jungkook

go to paris with jin OR go to london with suga (sorry been to paris already)

film a drama with jin OR do a photo shoot with rap monster

attend an award show with rap monster OR wear couple t-shirts at the airport with jungkook

spend a lazy day with suga OR explore a city with j-hope

fall asleep next to jimin OR wake up next to jungkook

make up a silly rap with v OR a silly choreography with jin

have a fun picnic with j-hope OR a fancy date with jin

have jungkook serenade you OR have v sing you to sleep

have a dance party with j-hope OR sing karaoke with suga

go camping with jimin and v OR go to the beach with rap monster and suga

cook with jin AND bake a cake with jimin

have a sleepover with the hyung line OR a birthday party with the maknae line

celebrate halloween with jungkook, suga, v and j-hope OR christmas with rap monster, jimin and j-hope

rules: answer the questions with the first letter of your name, then tag 10 people. If the person who tagged you has the same initial, you must use different answers. you cannot use the same word twice.

What is your name? - Tsu

A four letter word? - text

A boy’s name? - Tom

An occupation? - tailor

Something you wear? - t-shirt

A color? - turquoise

A food? - tomato

Something you find in the bathroom? - toilet

A place? - Tokyo

A reason for being late? - traffic

Something you shout? - yells

A movie title? - something that starts with “the”

Something you drink? - tea

An animal? - turtle

A type of car? - tesla

Title of a song? - Tage wie diese - die toten hosen

I’m,,, maybe later @mama-kisu @metroid-fr (you can do the non kpop stuff) eh whoever wants i guess

#upgraded trash

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xomaleriestar · 3 years

Text

Collection of notes

17.02.2021 at 10:02

so what i wanted to say before initially

is that i read the letter

and was wondering if its still relevant

ok so my response letter its so in heat of the moment and gross but whatever. i wanna share before ur travels and not think about it

i think i have feelings for you too big time but im hella damaged and have big problems w trust so its hard to accept any thoughts of them. i literally cant stop thinking about u and it burns in my chest when i do

its recent, like 2 weeks. always thought im totally tripping out and were totally chill but like bro when i went to take that covid test the other day thats when i realised that it might be a fucking problem cuz i literally felt empty inside w out u and im soso scared sooooo scared of being ok with "feelings" and its really goddamn hard to talk about them as well for me but lets see what happens in the next month

slight overview of damage: the more i open up the more distant i get usually. i've always felt im not worthy of anything good in life and im rotten throughout and its my "destiny" to lean how to give myself away to """"god"""" and reach enlightenment through my own methods

i think all comes from my relationship with my mom which i need to fix before being capable of love cuz ive felt my whole life like i have no idea what it is as i think my mother does not know either. so its been my plan all along to try and learn to love my mother on this trip and forgive her (my whole life i ive been dealing with trauma from my dad so new level now spiritually)

it completely quiet in estonia so my mind is racing but whatever

our souls are connected forever and i feel a very strong connection to u and ur very good to me or just are good

18.02.2021 at 08:15

i love you so fucking much. everytime i look at you or think of you i feel blessed. writing these letters im not sure you even exist anymore. (having flashbacks of i love dick :D)

and i relate with everything you've said

i'm honestly very very very confused as well with these things so don't be scared to move at your own pace and trust yourself first..? there's nothing to prove and we both are free and i dont need you to give me anything you dont want to. everything

at the right place right time. i feel lucky?

on the topic of trust... you are the first person in my life i've connected with only based on my gut feeling. i overthink a lot, but with you i havent had the need to. in the past i would change a lot for a person, but with you i've only gone deeper within and it's gotten me to a point where i have you and for the first time i feel ready and i dont want to distance myself to avoid getting hurt and im totally okay with being completely honest with you. the feeling of trust came very naturally but it's still scary. usually i search for understanding and i always feel i never get it but with you its so different, i dont think about it. i've never actually realised before now that it's trust i've struggled with and it makes sense with every part of my life. trusting myself with my art, trusting others with myself. again, coming back to my upbringing-it defo makes sense cuz i've never trusted my mother

it's defo a strange point in our timeline but im glad we've talked about these things and opened up more

please have a safe flight, i cant wait u to be in nyc already and defo call me i miss u so

15.03.2021 at 01:00

i just remembered that i almost gave away my room away in july and cuz i was so depressed wanted to stay in estonia. found a new person but she literally cancelled like a week before i came back to uk and my init

2:42 am

literally i cant sleep and am spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this voice memo from my dads bday in the summer where my mom got super depressive/manic and is crying and im talking with her and i cant get the fucking sounds out of my head and honestly im shocked i even recorded it. my whole childhood was literally spent by her facing the window in our kitchen, not showing her face and crying and later locking herself up in the bathroom and i literally got the whole thing recorded and its so painful to listen

ugh i cant fall back asleep, spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this crazy voice memo from summer, dads bday where my mom got super manic and i had recorded it and found it yesterday. listened to the whole thing a couple times and now its stuck in my head like some random song. i'll play it to u one day, it's literally my 9-18yrs explained in that recording. my thoughts are rapidly shifting between that voice memo and you, i literally spent the whole day thinking about you.

i once dreamt that i needed to speak to my mother, grabbed her by her shoulder to turn around to see her face but she kept turning around and had no face, only hair. i never saw her face and this one time when i was stoned, i was trying to remember her face and couldnt. now realising that maybe it was because of these moments

19.03.2021 at 10:42

i love you so fucking much i love you i love you i love you so mich i love you i love you i love u love u i love you i love you i love you so much i love you so much im in love woth you i miss you im in love with you im in love with you l love you i love you im in love with you im in love with you i love you i love you im in love im in love love i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you so i love you so i love you so much i love you so much i love you i love you i think i really love you i love you so much its hard to breathe and i think i really love you and it feels great to really say it to you

20.03.2021 at 17:12

love u so fucking much coumba honestly i hope youll have an amazing day. im gonna go offline for a bit

had a really strange dream, really mundane. took the metro home from some festival and was living in my grandmas apartment again and elevator was broken so had to take the stairs. but it was super slow and dramatic. on my way up (the apt is on 6th floor) i over heard my neighbour family fight and i left the door open to overhear what the topic was and they were yelling at their child?

i crave physical touch

hey hope ur being productive!! goddamn, ive just been writing and reading the whole day and figuring out this creative block situation/ why am i so triggered by work. found the right stuff to read and feeling full of life again. hope u are too

hope you're not second guessing me for getting sad yesterday. im feeling fucking crazy and it might be cause im starting my period. i keep rereading your letter.

26.03.2021 at 19:21

bless you

ur so nice to me

had a walk and it was really refreshing. feeling better but have so many anxieties that sometimes i just explode

i fucking love u too. sometimes its like ur my lifes worth of care i never

sometimes i feel like my lifes worth of good is coming to my life through you

......ur so nice to me....honestly i love u too so much..... i think it might be bc of full moon but im just like a total wreck today :D thanks for hearing me out before. and yes i'm excited to see whats waiting for me in london!!

in other news -.... called me rude and an egomaniac bc i told her i was depressed and feeling xtremely anxious blabla basically overview of what i told u today so will postpone thinking about countryside stuff. feeling like shit again lolzzzzzz bc of it.... we were supposed to go together with misha but misha cancelled right so im not really in a hurry which she knew and wished me a happy trip back to london. like whenever she doesnt get what she wants she goes off but i mean i do understand that im being an asshole as well so its like the perfect way to end this day

baah mh im just gonna rant here u dont even have to respond :D but i used to be really really selfless growing up and my parents always bring it up that i let my friends use me lol and ive been hella defensive abt it always bc i never knew how intense it was?. friends literally always came first and i kinda repressed my true self bc of embarrassment etc etc and two years ago it slowly started morphing into hurt and disappointment idk why i expected sth back (now i dont thats prolly why im super self centred and delusional as well i guess) so like after all this shit when im like yo having a hard time i get called a fucking egomaniac... i think im tired and honestly the fact that im getting along w evert so well makes me so happy but yeah since eliann is horrible at expressing emotions its harder

31.03.2021 at 20:20

❣️ is for 🚬👄👗COOL🕶☕️🏙❣️

❣️ is for 🎀🎀🎀ORIGINAL 🎀🎀❣️

❣️ is for ⭐️Ur A Star ⭐️ ❣️

❣️ is for MUSIC 🎧🔊🎶❣️

❣️ is for 🦋🦋 BEAUTIFUL 🦋🦋❣️

❣️ is for 💫💐🧚‍♀️ANGELIC 🏵🖼🔮❣️

❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️

02.04.2021 at 14:24

miiisssssssss uuuuuuu sooooo muuuccchhhh aaaannndddd caaannnnoooottttt wwwaaaaaiiiitttt toooo seeeeee uuuuuuu aaallllrrreeeaaaddddyyyyy iiimmmm sssoooop eeexxxccciiittteeeeddddd ffffoooorrrrr iiiittttt

11.04.2021 at 12:54

i really reaally love you

13.04.2021 at 21:53

have said this before but im drunk AGAIN and will say this AGAIN that i think ur amazing

14.02.2021 at 01:46

im in love w u

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flootweed · 3 years

Text

@misterbitches im finally responding to your posts lol sorry babes 😬

i think ive heard of tamara but i havent read that specific thing youre talking about. but yeah the power structures behind anti-asian racism are not perpetuated by black ppl def. and white supremacy has a greater effect on black ppl than asian ppl bc of ya know... history. thats some rlly interesting insight tho bc like the antiblackness in the asian community is seemingly often presented as a perfect parallel to anti-asian racism in the black community.

moving on from depressing stuff .. the dubbing of the untamed is by different ppl which is why it fucked me up when i found out. like that wasnt their actual voices tf ??! both of the leads were idols so that probably was part of why they got the role lol but they’re also talented.

im sorry your college experience was like that it sounds like hell.

ik i should say something if I feel i should but like i always think “maybe theres something im missing i dont want to talk out my ass” idk just how i am

yesss im a large proponent of curating your own spaces i use the block button liberally. also just ignoring ppl who have meaningless opinions i disagree with. like i used to get myself in a tizzy in my head when i saw someone say something bad about something i like trying to justify to myself how theyre wrong. now im just like idc lol.

i live in a city with a lot of out of state tourists and i just get to clean up after them for $11/hr 🙃

im def guilty of sometimes believing whatever leftist analysis i dee on the tl i really need to do start reading more theory/history but ive become illiterate. i learned about the stuff your referring to in a class last year but like im not gonna get into all that its just very complex.

atots is very romantic as a pisces it makes me want to die. ive never heard that story about SOPHIE thats lovely.

lol i lowkey tend to look at vague spoilers before watching any bl bc im picky and dont want to waste my time on something shitty its worked pretty well for me so far. your past obsession w/ lady gaga is understandable tbh. but yeah ive been waiting for all this to blow up in sibs face. i have no idea whats gonna happen tomorrow in the next ep. like obv gene is gonna forgive him but im excited to see his grovel. yeah i like up’s acting even tho his crying isnt my favorite bc he has great expressions. kao is eh. he was similarily as meh in uwma tho so i wasnt expecting much from him. i think tharn’s actor (mew) got so much worse about that pausing thing in season 2 it was terribleee. also i think tyoe’s actor (mew) is good but thats mostly bc i think he’s gorgeous.

i dont think mhok and aey are stepbrothers but idk for sure. im thinking mhok is either a childhood friend or aey’s sisters bf. oh yeah fuck his sister. its probably partly bc hes gay but his father mentioned him being evil which ig can be referring to him being gay but idk.

i liked color rush it had a unique premise. oooh i saw mr heart and to my star too. i think you already know my wbl thoughts so yeah ... i love shu yi and his dad needs to fuck off. i think the first season flowed much better than the current one.

aw i feel like everyone like uwma for winteam but i love the main couple. fluke had to cry multiple times every episode and he did wonderfully. lol hes not the pale one who died tho that actor is earth/cooheart. he also cries a lot tho. fluke and earth are actually both openly gay irl love that.

ah so its like the giver and the receiver. thats so stupid. makes me think of this political philosopher i read recently who thinks of marriage as inherently oppressive to women. which like .. word !!

yeah i used to read rpf but like it just doesnt align with my morals i cant. even if i dont think theyre real it still feels weird. lol i just watch from afar as stans think fanservice and queerbaiting mean these ppl are actually together lmao.

i just want gay ppl to be employed. if theyre selling the fetishization of gay men to girls then the gays need a cut of the check. the replacing a straight relationship with two men is why im fine when a bl has a homophobia storyline bc that gives it less straight vibes lmao.

i still think about that scene in itsay where the gay one tries on his moms bra bc he thinks that what the other dude would want. and then has a breakdown bc thats not him. WOW art !! the girl was def utilized well in itsay i loved her. i havent seen my engineer but she sounds lovely. tiffy my love ... OKAY DONE

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