#and if you’re feeling down/sad/stuck/depressed/[insert feeling here] it does get better!!!

[binniesthighs]

what you heard | reader x changjin

a/n: hi. its missing changjin hours also now I am addicted to poly r/ship fics so here is what my brain came up with hehe (pic creds to OPs!) 

what you heard | reader x changjin 

Pairing: self insert, hwang hyunjin x gender neutral reader x seo changbin 

Genre: smut w/ fluffy tones 

Tags: poly r/ship, comfort fic, outdoors sex, friends to lovers, discovery of feelings, idiots in love, with a lil bit of comedy, college au, teehee switch!changbin, switch!hyunjin, switch!reader, they’re all kinda fighting for dominance muhaha (its those bestie vibes ahaha), bratty behavior on all sides, jinnie kinda flips a switch when he gets in the mood (hehe pun intended), spitroasing (r), unprotected sex (stay safe!), sex under the stars hehe, penetration and fingering (r), oral (r & m), face fucking, cumshot, cum eating, that good, good makin’ out, soft and intimate body touching hell yeah, fluffy ending

Word count: 6.8k 

Recommended listening: what you heard by Sonder 

If there was something that you and your two bestfriends were the best at, it was getting your heart broken. 

Hopeless romantics you all were, in one way or another. In fact, it would take even more than your set of three hands to count the number of times that the three of you had come over with a broken heart, seeking ice cream, hugs, or plates to break. 

Changbin was the kind to fall in love slowly, but when he did, it consumed him, and everything that he was. He would become convinced that there was no one better for him in the whole world. He would spend sleepless night writing songs and poetry about those who would occupy his mind. Changbin would write love letter after love letter to never send them, or to have them crinkled into papery balls, and slam-dunked into his waste bin. He would often joke that he was ready to love someone, but he just didn’t quite know how to. Under it all, you and Hyunjin knew that he must’ve been scared if they didn’t love him back. 

Hyunjin fell in love with people at the drop of a hat. It was his “fatal flaw” as he liked to to joke about too. The gorgeous blond man would fall in love over hearts scribbled on coffee cups, smiles in passing, and compliments on days when he had caught the bus late. This man was the kind to sing love songs loudly in the shower no matter who heard him, and would often have a new crush by the week. Unlike Changbin, he had no fear when it came to confessing, but had even worse luck getting someone to take his words seriously. Hyunjin had too much love to give, and never received enough back. 

You, on the other hand, delayed love for as long as you could, no matter how much that you would dream of it. Love came to you in the forms of movies and books, fictional characters and song lyrics. You wrote about the love you had to give in countless journals and on the back of sticky-notes that had been used on the front-side. Love was more of an abstract concept to you. It was never something that you could touch but rather dream about. However, while this wasn’t the worst way to view it all, you still thirsted for something more. A hand to hold, a warm body to tangle up in the sheets with you. 

On this day in particular, you and your friends had gathered for a meeting: your “Unofficial Lonely Hearts Club” as you called it. You couldn’t recall who had called the meeting after the long week that you had, but it was likely what each of you had needed. 

These nights would often start the same: the three of you shoved into Changbin’s pickup, windows down, night air in your lungs, some song on the stereo that Changbin had been into these days. The three of you lived in the typical college city nestled into the side of some mountainside--a stark contrast to where you had come from before. It was the kind of place where people went to forget about who they were before to become new people. For some reason, some crazy fraction of the people who moved there, never left. 

First chance you got, you would move the hell out of there: a place full of so much heartbreak and disappointment…who could dare to stay? 

Hyunjin stuck his hand out the window, making little waves with his palm in the wind. You wondered what he had been thinking of that night; if he was sad or if he was happy. After knowing him for nearly four years now, you knew there was nothing in the world that he deserved more than to feel all the warmth that he had conveyed to others. It was a crime that he never got it back. 

Changbin’s free arm held to the handle above the car door frame, and he flexed and relaxed his muscles as he hung his fingers there. You too wondered what thoughts floated on his mind: if he was making up lyrics or if he was putting together some grad story or gesture only for it to never see the light of day. He too deserved all the love the world could offer. 

Changbin’s car sped up the dirt road to the lookout spot where kids would go to get drunk, high, or possibly both. It was a dreary and empty Wednesday evening, and secretly you hoped that no other rambunctious students would be there to shatter bottles on the craggy rocks. His headlights lit the path ahead, and the car bounced on the rough road with dusty orange rocks. The higher you got to the mountainside, the more static-y the stereo would buzz until soon all that was left were broken lyrics. 

There was one spot you liked particularly: it was a ledge that would jut out horizontally, giving a clear view to the whole of the land below: you would see the white lights from the nearby hospital, and the stadium lights from that god-awful football stadium that had sucked up your student loans. Further, you could see river on the edge of the city-line, and how it would ripple in dark blue sparkles under the moonlight. 

Your two best friends would grab the blankets that were habitually kept in the backseat made of scratchy wool, but this only made them warmer. Changbin also kept a couple camping lamps in his car to light up the dark space of his cargo bed. The weight of your bodies would shake the space and make the car bounce a bit on its wheels when the three of you would cuddle up between eachother to take in the scene. 

On nights like tonight, neither of you would say much, but just look out and feel it all. There was a kind of beauty in the simplicity of the way that everything seemed so still up there, or how time had appeared to stop somewhat. If you were lucky, you could hear the hoot of an owl, or some other critter rustling in the bushes. 

Hyunjin was always the one to sit in the middle, and he would take turns resting his head upon your shoulder or Changbin’s sighing deeply into how they would rise and fall. You hugged your knees to yourself and wondered how many more times you would come up here with them, or if after graduation, it would happen at all. It was painful to consider, but you even wondered if they would be in your life at all after everything ended. 

“I’m sick of being lonely.” Hyunjin said into the cold air. He shifted, looking both you and your other friend in the eyes. “Its depressing and exhausting.” 

“What are you talking bout ‘Jin?” Changbin threw his hoodie over his head.

“I mean moping about people who don’t ever feel the same...feeling sad when it doesn’t go my way...I’m sick of it!! I just wanna like, give up!! Would it be so hard for me to just like, stop feeling??” 

“Oh Jinnie...don’t be ridiculous. You can’t just stop falling in love with people. It’s impossible. Not just for you but...” You exhaled out, “...for all of us.” 

“Yeeeah, I don’t think that you have much control over that.” Changbin agreed. 

“No, seriously!! It’s shit!!” 

You wrapped your arms around him lovingly, nuzzling into his shoulder to sooth him, “I know, I know.” 

“Aren’t you guys sick of it?? The three of us must be cursed or something.” 

Changbin laughed out his little trademark chuckle and ruffled up his friends blond locks. “You’re being dramatic again Hyunjin. It’s not that bad.” 

“Psh! Says you who hasn’t gone on a date in months!” 

“Hey!!” 

You flicked both of your friends on the sides of their heads. “Cut it out, will you? We came up here to relax and forget all that stuff, remember?” 

Hyunjin gave out a sign in his exasperation, turning to fiddle with his little Bluetooth speaker that had definitely seen better days. The last crickets of the season chirped in the early fall air, and the little device booted up with the tiny ringtone that you knew well. 

“Anything we want to listen to in particular?” 

“Whatever you feel like Jinnie.” 

The little blue-white light of his phone illuminated his face, and Hyunjin picked a song that you had likely heard dozens of times before. It was from that artist that he had adored to bits, but only really listened to when he was feeling down. 

“Oh Jinnie.” You hushed, then wrapped your arm around his wide shoulder. “No one deserves you.” 

Changbin let his head fall on the other boy’s shoulder too. When the three of you were close like this with your body heat shared between you, it was cozier than anything imaginable. While you and your two friends weren’t the most touchy of people, there were still times when you could huddle up, and it was no secret that it felt safer than anything. 

Hyunjin chuckled a bit, causing his shoulders to shake. “You know what they say in those movies about people who can’t find love after long?” 

“What’s that?” 

“They say, “By the time that we turn thirty, if neither of us have found love, lets just marry eachother.”” 

Changbin scoffed, “And you’re bringing this up why?” 

“Well, I guess it wouldn’t be the most ridiculous idea if the three of us decided to do that, right? Seeing how the current trend is going?” 

You exchanged adoring and teasing glances with Changbin over your adorably naïve friend. 

“I think you’re missing something out of that equation Jin.” 

His doe-eyes widened, “What’s that?” 

“In all of those movies, it was usually two people who made that promise.” 

“Two people, three people, what does it matter? As of right now, its looking like the only people that we’ve got is eachother.” 

Hyunjin stretched out his hands into his sweater paws and made a little squeak when he cracked his back. 

“What do you say?”

“Hm.” Changbin cleared his throat, “So you’re being serious?” 

“What’s so crazy about it?” Convinced as ever, he counted out the points on his fingers, “We could all live together like we’ve always talked about, we’ll never be lonely and have someone to do things with, we don’t have to be second guessing ever, waiting for someone to call us back...we all already know eachother really well so there will be no surprises...” 

“Oh, so you are being serious about it then?” You ruffled his hair up a bit, just to get a rise out of him like it usually would. 

“I mean...it’s not like it would be hard...right?” 

Changbin sucked at his teeth, “Mm. I guess not.” 

“But isn’t a marriage supposed to be like, having kids, being in love, being...partners?” You added. 

Hyunjin stammered with frantic hands, “W-well, we don’t have to do everything!! Marriage is so conventional these days, we don’t have to follow all the rules, especially since there will be the three of us anyway.” 

Changbin sighed, casting his head up to the ocean-blue sky dotted with silvery constellations and the red blinking lights of airplanes overhead. 

“You’re still forgetting something Jinnie.” 

The blond tiled his head. 

“The part about being in love?” 

The tallest boy shied his hair behind his ear, then tucked his chin into one of the blankets. 

“I mean...I know that I love you guys. I wouldn’t mind spending the time...” 

Your chest buzzed with warmth hearing your friend say it for the first time. It previously had been somewhat of an unspoken phrase between the three of you, but now that he had said it out loud, it felt even more real. 

“Awww, I love you too Jinnie.” 

Changbin scoffed once more and picked with the fraying ends of the blanket. “I guess I do too.” 

The cargo bed grew silent while the three of you chewed on the idea. The longer you thought about it, it started to make sense bit by bit. After all, through all the confusion and the broken hearts, ice cream and broken plates, your little group understood each other better than most. When there were tears to dry, each of you knew exactly what to do. You had loved them all along, you always had. 

“I really love you guys...I think.” Hyunjin finally said, and linked his arms with yours and the other man’s. 

“What are you doing getting all cheesy for, huh?” Changbin nudged him with a smirk. 

“I don’t know, I guess I just never really thought about it like that before.” 

“Like what?” 

“Out of all the people that I’ve “loved” I don’t think that I’ve ever loved them like I have with you both.” 

“What do you mean?” Under the swath of blankets, your knee nudged against his, and he jumped a bit from the feeling. 

Both you and Changbin looked at him attentively and how his lip quivered, and soft eyes glistened from the glow of the lanterns. 

“M-maybe all along...I’ve been in love with you?” 

“Like, in love, in love?” 

“I don’t know...maybe?” He rubbed his eyes like he would’ve had they been lured with sleep. “Maybe I’m just, making things up...I don’t know. It’s getting late.” He laughed out with a tentative breath, “I’m saying things that don’t make sense.”  

Changbin looked out at the stretch of city lights as if he was contemplating the idea himself. 

“I guess that it wouldn’t be impossible.” He said blankly. 

“What!?” You tried to look at both of your best friends as seriously as you could. While your heart started racing, it was as if it was against your will. 

“It’s kinda funny,” Changbin began, “The three of us always complain about how love never really comes our way when we’ve already got it...right here.” 

Logically speaking, it made sense. You and your two best friends really did know eachother better than anyone else ever had. When you had met as scared little 1st years without a clue in the world how to be your own people. You had figured it all out together. The ways that you had showed love to each other had been a bit different--but it was still all the same. If you were to have not met them all those years ago, your life would’ve been drastically different. You couldn’t even picture it. 

Perhaps in all of your little rambles in journals and daydreams, was what you were looking for...them?

“Maybe we were just looking in the wrong place?” You offered, and both of them shrugged. 

“It’s possible.” Hyunjin pulled both of your arms closer to him, and rubbed his cheek into the top of your head, then Changbin’s dark curls. He giggled out, tackling the two of you to lay flat on the cargo bed. It crinkled with a plastic sounding thud, then he wrapped his legs up in both of yours the best that he could. 

Under his arm, you choked a little from his tight grasp, but you eventually let yourself mold into the curves of his body and soak up his warmth. The scratchy wool tickled at your cold fingers, and you soon felt Changbin’s hand come searching for you under the blanket too. It was a bit startling at first, but he reached out to hold your arm, then rubbed small circles into it with his thumb where you rested them on Hyunjin’s chest. 

It was as if he was a bit delirious, but Hyunjin chortled with laugher until he had lost his breath, and his lyrical sounding voice bounced off the cavern of the mountain and echoed up into space. 

“Why do I...weirdly...kinda...wanna make out with you guys right now?” 

Changbin pinched his friend with a teasing grin, “You mean it?” 

Hyunjin pouted with his plush pink lips, “I thought we all just agreed that we were in love with eachother??” 

“Jinnie...” You settled your head into the crook of his neck, right by his collarbones. 

“Damn. Glad I’m not the only one.” Changbin bit a smirk into his lip, then propped himself up on his forearm to gain better ground on you and the other man. 

Your fluttering heart beat it’s way up your throat and into your ears, and your two friends looked at you expectantly. 

“O-outside? Right now?” 

“Yeah, I guess. Why not?” Changbin traced his thumb and index under Hyunjin’s smooth jaw. 

“Aha! So you admit that you want to too!!” Hyunjin beamed and tugged at the sleeves of your own hoodie. 

“I-I didn’t say that...” 

Hyunjin leaned over on his side to face you. “Y/n, how about lets make a deal. We try it out, see how it feels, if it feels weird, we stop and pretend it never happened?” 

“I don’t know Jinnie...this seems pretty friendship ending to me.”

“Isn’t that the point?” Changbin said with a sly grin. 

The tallest boy pleaded to you with nearly needy eyes. “I think that it would feel nice? Besides...none of us have really...felt that...in a while.” 

Changbin’s creeping hands came surveying over Hyunjin’s deep green pullover, and the other boy shivered out a little feeling the touch. 

Hyunjin’s own curious hands reached out to hold both sides of your face gingerly with pink fingertips. 

“I know that I’d like to kiss you...if you’ll let me?” 

Both of your friends waited for you as you took turns checking with both of them. The whole prospect was unimaginable, but now...with both of them in front of you, both more real than anything you could have ever thought up, it started to make all the sense in the world. 

“What do you say?” Hyunjin asked with a dreamy air. It was chilly on that early fall evening, so he tucked up the blankets even higher. It was a simple gesture, but still held multitudes of his care. 

“It doesn’t hurt to try...” 

You felt your face pulled closer to his, and all at once his warmth flooded your lips. It was a strange feeling your friend’s lips on yours like this, but while it was new, it was comfortable. Your friend relaxed himself over you, smiling with the corners of his mouth, and slowly sucking at your lower lip like he didn’t want to startle you with anything too fast. His glossy lips stuck with his favored strawberry flavored Chapstick, and you only wanted to taste more. He hummed with a little happy sound, and his larger hands nearly covered your whole face where he helped tilt your head a little so that he could gift deeper kisses to it. 

Beside him, Changbin shook with a sigh watching the two of you, a different kind of passion growing within him seeing the two of the people that he loved most do something like this. He was a bit unsure at first, but he tucked back his friend’s blonde edges to free the skin of his neck, then sucked little kisses there too. He to was careful, and didn’t want to leave marks, but rather feel the way that Hyunjin’s skin dotted with goosebumps from the feeling and then let kitten-sounding whimpers go from the pressure on his neck. 

While the night itself was nearly too cold to bear, the three of your bodies heated instantly, and you nearly felt as if the sweater that kept you warm was even too much. Hyunjin parted his lips slightly to enter your mouth with his tongue, and it was a feeling so indulgent that you tried to hide from your friend how good he could make you feel out of your own embarrassment. 

Your name slithered from his lips to yours, and you tucked your hands under his sweater, finding Changbin’s hands there too on the other boy’s bare skin. Hyunjin flinched from feeling both sets of hands on his muscles. His abs flared from the attention, and he accidentally bit into your lip feeling the cold pads of fingers on him. 

Now that you had one taste of him your body could only crave more. 

Changbin tilted Hyunjin’s gasping and swollen lips to his own where he took his own turn gifting the other boy his affection. Hyunjin pressed his whole chest into the other man in an attempt to get closer and Changbin’s hands splayed across his back to hold him tightly. The two of them giggled a bit as they roughly worked their way around each other’s mouths. Changbin, a little smaller in the other man’s wide and long arms appeared to swim in him, and the two of them melted between the thick fabric of their clothes. 

Once more your hands went journeying up Hyunjin’s shirt, and you ran your fingers over every curve and twist of his back: from the little dimples above his hips, his ribs, his sweeping shoulder blades and each swelling bit of fleshy dorsal muscle you could get your hands on. You had never realized how curious you had been for him in this way, but it delighted you to feel him this close. 

Legs became anxious under the wool blankets, and tangled up with little regard for personal space, and hips writhed asking for attention that had been kept for them for far too long. 

Changbin moved down Hyunjin’s jaw to give him more kisses to his tender neck, sucking harder this time to imprint little purple marks. You had never taken Changbin to be one to do so, but something told you that he was one to take pride in those that he loved, and wanted them to be his only. 

“B-Bin...” Hyunjin’s voice wavered, no longer loud enough to bounce off the rocks surrounding you. 

From the way that Changbin kissed the other boy, you instantly craved for him to do the same for you. Across the width of your gorgeous blond friend, you tossed around Changbin’s dark and curly strands, and soaked up his warmth to your hand cracking from the cold. 

You called out for him too, and found your hips grinding into Hyunjin’s back, becoming more impatient by the moment. The way that both of them touched you, and each other was...different. There was no fear, no heartbreak, no uncertainty or loneliness. When you thought of it later, it was if the three of you could actually heal from it all for the first time. 

Changbin’s eyes softened hearing you beg for him, and he helped you slide closer to him. 

“Hm. You’re so cute.” He muttered before filling your mouth with his own kisses. Changbin appeared to channel everything that he had in him to give to you--it was no surprise considering the romantic that he was. He was attentive and slow; rough at first, but then melting into something much more infatuating. Hyunjin took his turn swiping his hands up and down your thighs, kneading into the skin, and then tucking up your sweater. He shimmied down your body, pressing soft lips into your belly to make you tremble from the pleasant gesture. He made his way up higher, up to your chest where he exposed even more skin to the cold, but was sure to make up for it by keeping the blankets close. 

Changbin swiped his thumb over both of your lips, smiling as he did so. 

“Have I ever told you that you’re really breathtaking?” He said with a tone so sultry it was a bit laughable. 

“I don’t think so?” 

He too took a greedy hand down your chest where Hyunjin nipped lightly, admiring the way that you had looked under the moonlight. He brought his fingers back to your lips, giving you a tiny and accidental taste of his fingertips, then promptly resumed the kisses that you had asked for. 

Hyunjin worked his way back up your body, stopping at last to lap lightly into your neck with tiny fleeting love bites and delighted in the way that he could see them fade onto your skin--almost like you and him were a matching set now.

Changbin broke his lips from yours, creating a tiny wet sound with a thin string of his saliva on your your bottom lip.

Hyunjin played with the elastic of your sweatpants, gasping out a bit once he saw your legs rub together in the absence of friction. His eyes wandered slowly to his other friend who had grinded his hips down into the cargo bed with a quivering length.

“Are we about to do what I think we are?” He asked, both thrilled and shocked.  

“Seems like it.” Changbin said simply after going to caress the other man’s cheek.

“Damn. I was not expecting this night to go like this.” Your voice shook, either from anticipation, or from the cold--you couldn’t quite tell.

“Me neither...but I’m not mad about it.”

“Friendship offically ruined?” Hyunjin said with a mischievous little smile.

The breeze blew through, wrapped up in the smell of the crisp mountain air. Hyunjin’s little speaker played on with his songs that you still knew the names of. There wasn’t too much light, just the glow from the inside of Changbin’s car and his lanterns, but it was just enough to take in your friends fully--the ones that you had cared for so much, you didn’t even known how much you had. While you would’ve been worried about getting caught on that Wednesday night, this mattered little.

“I’d say so.” You answered, and it was exactly what they had wanted to hear.

The three of you opted to keep your tops on to fight off the elements, but under the covers, you each jiggled off pairs of joggers, jeans and sweatpants. The car bounced once more as the three of you readjusted. As soon as bare legs intertwined and the thin fabric of undergarments got thrown into the mix, you each got louder and more desperate for wandering touches that could quell your desires.

With twisted and oversized socks, Hyunjin straddled both sides of Changbin’s head, letting the other man palm the outline of his dick and squeeze at it harshly until he shivered over the smaller man’s frame.

“Damn Jin...” Changbin groaned seeing the other’s length. “You’ve been packing and didn’t feel like sharing?”

“S-shut up.” Hyunjin whined as the other teased him.

You worked bite after bite down Changbin’s torso, sucking lightly, then harder. After long, you found that it tickled him a little--this knowledge you would save for another time.

He wore baggy boxers which hid the full girth of his dick that swelled with his erection that bopped and only appeared to grow larger once you and released him. Thick veins wrapped around his length, and his tip flared where you grabbed him into your palm.

“I could say the same to you, Bin.” You teased your friend.

Hyunjin turned to see for himself, laughing out, seeing the way that it looked in your smaller hand.

“Bin, what the fuck?”

“...Intimidated are you?”

The other boy tossed his head back, hair getting caught in his hoodie. “No...”

Changbin snapped the elastic to Hyunjin’s briefs just because he liked the sound, then pulled the other’s member out to pump at the considerable length with his fist. The blonde boy choked out a gasp at the strong grip, and Changbin dug his fingers around the other’s waist to bring in him closer.

“What me to suck this pretty dick of yours?”

“Do I even need to answer that question?” Hyunjin snarked.

Further down, you worked your own hand around Changbin’s cock which you had lathered at first with your spit. Obscene sounds of the liquid cupped in your hand, then you worked your mouth down to his gloriously thick thighs. Something overtook you then, and all you wanted to to was ravage them, make them all yours, mark them as yours, and make the quiver all because of you.

Your fingernails dug into the fleshy and squishy skin, and Changbin moaned out forcefully feeling the sting.

“Feels good?” You asked with a wicked grin, then returned to sucking bruises into the inner parts of his thighs.

“You’re gonna...gonna distract me.” He sighed out, still jerking the other boy away.

Hyunjin swiped away the other man’s curly bangs so he could see him fully. He guided his length over Changbin’s mouth, teeth clenched with a tight exhale once he felt the warmth of the other’s tongue lapping up the sides of his shaft.

Your teasing was enough, and you finally granted your friend what he wanted. With a girth as wide as he had, it was somewhat of a challenge, but a challenge that you gleefully expected. He had puffed up your cheeks fully, and you could barely take in half is length without it testing the back of your throat. Still, you focused your breath coming out of your nose, and swallowed him down deeper. Your eyes wetted from the simulation to your gag reflex, but you held on for as long as you could. At last, your wish was granted, and his marked up thighs shook just for you.

“Bin...fuck.” The blond shuddered upon coaxing himself fully into his friend’s mouth. He moaned out sinfully feeling the twist of the other man’s tongue.

To give yourself a moment’s pause, you stopped, gasping over your friend’s slit, teasing your tongue around his head, dipping down to the place where he dripped with beads of precum.

Changbin laughed out breathily, swearing easily and calling out your name too with a rasp to his tone. “S-shit...”

“Getting too distracted?” Hyunjin purred, seeing the other man made a wreck by you. “What about me?”

“S-sorry.” Changbin admitted, wetting his lips and taking back Hyunjin’s cock into his hollowed cheeks.

As you swallowed around him, your friend rutted his hips just slightly, his lust overtaking him.

“Oh fuck, just like that, mm--” Hyunjin cooed, getting lost in his own ecstasy with head thrown back, and his sweater paws melting down to Changbin’s quaking chest where he supported himself.

You worked your hand and mouth up and down around the pulsating vein’s of your best friend’s length, lazily letting him feel your flattened tongue, then switching to let him feel the tightness of your throat.

Hyunjin sighed out heavily as looked down at his friend who had taken him so well. It was almost as if he felt cheated from the crappy head that he had been getting in dirty bathrooms and semi-public dressing rooms. It was dangerous in the way that Changbin would stroke him languidly, then let his drool wet his tip.

Further down your hips, the pent up heat from your own sex ached on the cool plastic of the cargo bed, and you grinded your hips down for any simulation you could get. 

The blonde man whimpered out after long, feeling even hazier the longer that Changbin continued on. “Binnie...you’re...feels really--fuck--so, good...”

It was as if the words hand been a trigger for him, but your friend pulled his length for your mouth, panting out like a dog, while also robbing Hyunjin of all feeling.

“Don’t-don’t wanna cum yet...” He laughed out, “I was really fucking close.”

Hyunjin pouted, then turning back and look at you with a bit of your own saliva running down your neck.

“Your turn now.” He nearly whispered, then crawled down the other man’s body to jerk at him lightly.

“Jin! I-I--” He clenched his teeth.

“Lay down, y/n. Is there any way that you want it?”

“A-anything. Anything that you want to do. I-I don’t care.” You begged, falling under his spell.

“Aw. Cute.” He added once he had seen the purple marks on Changbin’s thighs.

You fell back under the two of them, opening yourself up for them to do as they wished. First, Hyunjin crept down your body with as much care as he could--beautiful in the way the he looked close to you like this. 

Hyunjin’s hand cascaded down your chest, then belly, all the way down to your own twitching and wetted sex, and you keened directly into his touch. 

“Wouldn’t you like my fingers? Filling you up...” He asked softly, finally sinking down far enough so that you could feel his words swirl over your exposed arousal, then pressing light kisses into you. “...as deep as you can take it?” 

“Mm-yes.” You squeaked, opening your legs further for him. 

Your other friend settled beside you, tilting your chin nearer to him. Just barely, his lips grazed over you, breathing in your air with his hooded eyes glued to your weakened form under the hands of the other boy. 

“You’re that excited?” Hyunjin mocked, “We’ve barely touched you.” 

“Quit talking and just get to fucking me, got it?” You demanded, mustering all of your strength. 

“Oh-ho! I didn’t take you for one to bite back.”

Changbin bit a proud little smile into your lip, wrapping his arms around you. The blond man then toyed with your entrance, licking his fingers, wetting them, then pushed them slowly into your needy hole. 

“Ahhh, look at that, so fucking tight around my fingers, You want it that bad?” 

His long and lithe digits filled you up where he started to thrust them in and out, using his free hand to push your jolting thighs back. Your right hand traversed it’s way under the blankets which you had readjusted, all the way down to Changbin’s leaking length which still blushed red. You wrapped around him carefully, promising his to lips that you would go easy on him. 

As Hyunjin curled his fingers, the other man then reached down to rub at you fervently, matching the pace at which Hyunjin flicked his wrist. Your hips lurched feeling the combination of each sensation, and you cried out loudly for the two of them--the sound itself bounced off that empty space where the three of you existed, almost as if you were calling out for the whole starry sky to hear you. 

“I-I think that we were really missing out on something...” You joked with an airy breath and both of your friends joined you. 

Changbin’s teeth caught his lip as your hand squeezed and twisted, and you could see with every ounce of restraint that he had, he was holding back. 

“Way to make me want to fuck you sideways, huh?” He said with a little grin, observing the size difference between your hand and his member. 

Your back arched when Hyunjin reached in even deeper, and you dissolved into the pleasure that he brought you--an amazing kind of all-consuming feeling that shattered your will, and sent you mewling out into your other friends mouth. 

“I-I can’t wait anymore,” You begged, clawing right into Hyunjin’s golden trellises. 

Changbin scooched up quickly, taking half of the blankets with him, thankfully giving the other boy a nod when he let him be the one to use your entrance. With his brutish hands, he flipped you to your stomach, and hiked up your hips too, cold fingers holding them in place. Hyunjin kneeled permitting you access to his cock which as softened slightly, so he pumped himself back into place with his eyes holding yours. 

At first, Changbin teased you with his tip, adding pressure to your twitching hole, then guided himself in bit...by bit. 

The blonde tapped his dick to your lips, holding firmly the back of your neck as you took him in and choked out at the way that the other stretched your walls. Changbin grabbed at your ass in handfuls starting slowly, grinding his hips in little circles to simulate you deeper. 

“Hm. Who would have known that your pretty little hole would be so perfect for me? Guess we really were missing out on something.” 

Hyunjin growled lowly feeling his cock slide down to the back of your throat, brows crossed, and the bottom of his hoodie resting just above his hips. 

“Squeeze my leg if it becomes too much, okay? ...I’m gonna fuck your mouth, okay?” 

You nodded best you could, and he started to thrust carefully, every few seconds you would hold his member to drag it against the sides of your cheeks, causing him to huff out loudly at the fleshy bits of your mouth. 

Changbin quickened his pace, doubling over your back as he lost himself in you, grunting out in his rhythm. From both sides, your best friends used you, resorting to something much more feral as they edged themselves closer. From the motions, the car rocked back and fourth like a bed and it’s headboard. 

You too felt the tension build deeply in your core, and it begged with reckless abandon at your dizzy mind that drew itself closer and closer into the feeling of being utterly all theirs. 

In many ways, you guessed that you always had been--while it had been unspoken at the time. Now, having the two of them wholly like this under the silver sheen of the moon, the cold biting at your skin, then furiously met with your heat, you could no longer see them as the two broken souls whom you had bonded with at first. They were now everything, everything that you had wished and hoped for.

Even now that you had become much more to each other, there was nothing that could take away the closeness that you had shared with them. 

“F-fuck--gonna cum--” Changbin announced while he pounded frantically. The other man rolled his hips into your mouth quicker too, seeking the same kind of release. 

“Y/n?” He said with a broken breath, and you muffled out a moan to let him know that you were nearly there too. 

“Oh shit, oh shit--” 

Changbin grunted out, with a bit of panic to his voice, forcefully removed himself from you seconds before he spilled his white seed onto your hole, then sending it dripping down your leg. 

“Oh fuck--s-sorry--” He gasped out, still jerking his cock while he pulsed. 

“Bin!! What the fuck??” Hyunjin yelled out, his words quickly turned into mumbles of nonsense when you took him down as deeply as you could manage without gagging, focusing only on him even though your sex ached feeling so empty.  

When he had come down after a few moments, Changbin took to fucking your walls once more with his thick fingers, not even caring that he had fucked his white warmth back into you at the same time. Meanwhile, he returned to rubbing of your sensitive flesh, trying to replace the feeling he had robbed you of. 

“Cum for me baby, cum for me.” 

On cue, you came in waves, shuddering over Changbin’s fingers slicked with his cum, just as your other friend released down your throat and the warm liquid painted your tongue. 

His blissful moans turned into light chuckles as he milked himself into your mouth, giving you every last drop. Changbin drove you further, overstimulating you to the point where your knees nearly gave out, and you had to beg him to slow. 

After each of your bodies collapsed weakly to the bed of blankets and rejected clothing, you drew the covers back up over yourselves, feeling the cold seep in once more. Both of your friends kissed perfect adoring kisses into your raw lips, tasting the both of themselves on your skin. While your thighs still stuck with your friend’s cum, it didn’t matter as much now that you had huddled up cozily into their arms. 

“Bin, you asshole!!” Hyunjin jested, and flicked the other boy’s forehead. “You fucking finished before you were supposed to!!” 

“What the hell was I supposed to do?? I’d already edged myself enough!!” 

“You could’ve tried!!” 

“Whatever, it felt fucking amazing, don’t blame me.” He added with a smug smirk, “You felt fucking amazing, y/n.” 

“Did it feel good for you too, y/n?” Hyunjin gingerly asked, falling right back to his soft and adorable composure that you knew well. 

“Like Bin said, it was fucking amazing.” 

“So we all agree then? We won’t forget that this happened?”

You gave Hyunjin a little nod to say yes, and your group of three hugged eachother even closer. You hadn’t noticed it, but at some point, Hyunjin’s music had turned off. 

“So, this means that we’re like, a thing now?” Changbin asked, playing with the drawstring to your hoodie. 

You peppered Hyunjin’s forehead with a tiny kiss. “I’d like to be.” 

He nuzzled into the crook of your neck and reached out for Changbin across the expanse. “Me too.” 

~🌹~

Bunch of (Ro)ses!

@minaamhh @dazzlehoseok @synnocence @jjewibeans @hyunsluvv @unexceptional-h @bobawithchaitea @lechanters @sailorhyunjinz @silencefavarchive @eunaeiekim @lunarskzzz

#skz smut #stray kids smut #kpop smut #changbin smut #hyunjin smut #seo changbin smut #hwang hyunjin smut #stray kids imagines #kpop imagines #stray kids drabbles #kpop drabbles #stray kids oneshots #kpop onehsots #changbin x reader #hyunjin x reader #changbin x you #hyunjin x you #changbin x y/n #hyunjin x y/n #stray kids fanfic #kpop fanfic #stray kids fanfiction #kpop fanfiction

[szopenhauer]

How are you today? not good :( What is your favorite medication that you take, and why? ... What color hair did your first crush have? my first irl (not celeb) female crush had dark brown hair similar to mine but much longer

Are you living in a dream or a nightmare? nightmare with love plot What’s something that most people don’t know about you? for example - that I might have DID? What’s one common assumption about you that isn’t true? for example - that I had to be a hoe to get STD? Would you rather do a craft project or a science experiment? depends Who was the last person who was rude to you? mom? Do you say garbage, trash, rubbish, or something else? śmieci/śmietnik Do you have any cousins who look like you? wouldn’t say so Do you have any haters who are jealous of you? jealous of what? Can you see the mountains from where you live? my house? noooo Did you ever play pranks on April Fool’s Day? nothing big because I hate pranks and still regret them tbh as most of them didn’t end well/go as planned or just made me feel uneasy in general What does your favorite pair of leggings look like? I have many leggings so hard to choose Does chronic illness keep you from doing the things you want to do? sadly Do you part your hair on the left side, right side, or in the middle? whatever Have you ever owned a succulent? sure Do you have a library card? I do Do you frequent the local library? not during covid What color is your bedroom door? white with glass, my mom painted a picture on it to cover our room from the hall light when my dad was going to work early or coming back late

Have you ever hurt yourself because of love? umm... Have you ever been in a hospital for more than 3 weeks? yes? Do you shave your arms? armpits sometimes only When is the next time you are going to take a shower/bath? tonight Do you like tap water? I boil it first Is there anything in your hair? there isn’t What’s the last game you played? Forge of Empires as there’s an event currently but also Chicken Smoothie Do you like animal print? *shrug* Have you ever cracked your head open? almost, bawiłam się z siostrą w ogrodzie i zrobiła ze mnie konia po czym pociągnęła mnie za “lejce” i upadłam do tyłu uderzając głową w kamień - nie pamiętam tego zupełnie co jest dziwne  What was your last surgery for? - Do you like sea horses? but it’s gross how males give birth :x Where were you planning on going this summer? Ełk which didn’t happen, first time in ages Does anyone in your family have an alcohol problem? not close ones Are you waiting for someone to text you back? I always wait for my gf to text me :3 Are you wearing socks? warmer already, it’s autumn

Oh look , it’s snowing outside! Do you get excited? hell no

Is your room covered in posters, or pretty bare? it’s covered in smth else

What store makes the best sweaters? dunno, I buy second hand clothes

What sport do you completely fail at? most of them?

You’re favourite store at the mall closes down, now what do you do? not surprised, that was happening plenty of times before 

Do you have a cool hat in the shape of an animal? yasss, several :D

Do you like watching the news, or do you find it too depressing? it is depressing indeed, I avoid majority of news

Insert cool song lyric here: If you can't handle a heart like mine Don't waste your time with me

Would you ever risk having a house party when you’re parents are gone? I’m not into parties and my mother never leaves the house

Are you a worrier, or more care-free? worrier

What’s one sport you really want to try at least once in your life? for example - tenis?

What are you plans for the future? I have no future...

What put you in the mood you are in today? shitload of stuff

Have you ever pretended to be someone’s friend? it’s complicated Have you ever been physically abused? a little Does it take a lot to make you feel guilty? it’s easy to make me feel guilty  Have you ever made up a false rumor to get back at someone? nah Have you ever done something bad JUST because you knew you shouldn’t? wtf Have you ever purposely hurt yourself? I have Have you ever mooned/flashed someone? accidentally Have you ever pushed someone into a pool? don’t! :o Have you ever copied someone else’s homework? obvi Have you ever kissed someone the same day you met them? nope

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yup

Do you remember the show Bananas in Pajamas? I didn’t really watch it as a kid but I saw fragments later in life by accident here and there so... Would you rather have 1 best friend, or a large group of friends? bestie is enough Is the glass half full or half empty? half full... of shit If you could know how, when and where you’ll die, would you want to know? YES Have you completed high school? in 2011 Have you lived where you currently live all your life? yep

Do you love the last person you text? I do Is it windy outside? it isn’t for now

When’s the last time you took a bus somewhere? this week Do you think road kill is gross? sad Have you ever walked away from someone and they didn’t come after you? oh well... How many teeth do you have? I’m not missing any yet Have you ever watched someone die? just animal, not counting movies of course Who did you last dance with? my current partner Have you ever had a full body cast? luckily not Do piercings make people look ugly? might but it’s their life What do you think about age? what do you mean? Are you naked? why would I be while doing survey O.o Have you faced any of your fears lately? I face them everyday... Have you ever kissed under water? no thx Who was the last person to comfort you as you cried? no one Do a lot of people have your name? recently lots of kids get my name Do you have to plug your nose while swimming under water? I don’t swim under water Have you ever been so hungry you felt like you were going to throw up? that was happening but I’m glad I didn’t end up puking after all Have you ever choked on your own spit? who didn’t Who do you want to kiss? my fiancee How do you feel about grass? long is nice Do you live on a farm? I wanted to but it’s too hard  What’s the last thing your parents bought you? food  When was the last time you did laundry? recently Do you like playing poker? why not Do you like carrots better when they are cooked? that’s true Do you have any cartoon theme songs stuck in your head? not atm Do you know anyone who commited suicide? not personally Have you lost any close family member to cancer? I didn’t really know them Is it ever too late to apologize? it seems When was the last time you cried out in pain? I rarely cry out of pain, I’m used to it

Would you rather drink beer or whiskey? I’d rather not Would you rather be stabbed & die, or raped & live? if I was going to get pregnant then stabbed and die if not then dunno Which Spongebob character would you like to be? I’m Squidward lol Would you rather be hot or cold? hot Would you rather have your whole body tattooed or pierced? tattooed, I know that piercings you can easily take off and wait for your body to “grow back” but... still, too much piercings look disgusting to me Would you rather lose a foot or a hand? foot Do you think it’s wrong for people to get sex changes? no comment Would you rather win a million dollars or be truly happy? what if truly happy would include million dollars? hahaha Do you believe that you should really have no regrets? that’s irresponsible >.< Would you rather skydive or ride a bull? wait... real bull?

Do you watch That 70’s Show? no Is there anyone that you would take a bullet for? oh Nat definitely would lmfao 

[mild-manneredapricot]

Okay I did the thing

Here is my self-insert Beetlejuice fanfic because I have no self-control

Emotional Support Stinky Rat Bastard Man: the fanfiction

Just to be clear, this is not slash. Reader is not being shipped with Beej. They're just friends having a good time. source: I am lonely and want friend

Reader is feeling lonely after everyone leaves for winter break and they are stuck in the dorms, until they summon Beetlejuice accidentally. Shenanigans ensue.

Chapter 1: It Begins

You’re invisible when you’re sad

The dorm was almost abandoned, it felt like. You walk the halls in your pajamas, wondering at the sudden silence. The lack of people was a bit unnerving, having been used to the noisy rowdy mess that was the freshman college dorm at all hours of the day and night. But now it was the end of December, time for winter break.

You were sure most of the other freshmen had families that they went home to over the break, while you and only a few others wouldn’t be heading home this holiday. It’s not that you didn’t have a family, or that they didn’t love you, they were just… away, taking your younger brother with them. You weren’t sure what your sister was up to, only that she wasn’t coming home either. Honestly you were rarely sure what she was up to. She was the most social creature you had ever seen. Nevertheless, the family house stood empty, an hour away by car, leaving you to spend a winter alone in the middle of the city. Surrounded by millions of people at all times and yet lonely. What a life you lead. 

Let’s focus back on walking the abandoned halls. Although, not so abandoned, as you notice a person sitting at the table as you pass by the common area. You make awkward eye contact before moving on, descending the stairs to the lower level of the dorm, where you checked your mailbox (empty as always) and stepped outside of the building in order to walk a couple yards down to the cafeteria entrance in the same building. It was endlessly annoying how they closed off the indoors cafeteria entrance, forcing everyone to walk outside in order to obtain food. It was both parts blessing and curse, especially when it rained. Eating alone in the semi-empty cafeteria was certainly an experience, especially since the machine that made hot chocolate was still broken. Just in case, you try it as you pass by. Nothing but weird-smelling hot water.

It was the same routine three times a day. Go downstairs in your pajamas to eat a meal, go back upstairs to your room and wallow until your body alerts you that it’s time to eat again. Doing the bare minimum to keep your flesh machine functioning. 

It had only been three days since your roommates had left. Three days since finals had ended. And you were already spiraling. It couldn’t be helped, you supposed. Depression is funny like that. 

You barely remember trodding through the steps to make it back up to your room, but you do. You make it in, slowly shedding your outer layers until it’s just you in your pajamas, and then you climb into the beanbag under your bed and just curl up and cry. This had been going on for a while now. You were just, so depressed. You didn’t want to do anything and you didn’t have the energy to do anything and technically you could no nothing because there was no school but everyone had left and you were so lonely. For a moment, you pondered on what it would be like to have a friend, a single friend to spend the winter holiday with, but the thought just made you cry harder. 

After a couple hours, you manage to drag yourself out of the beanbag to go to the bathroom, and as you look at yourself in the mirror while washing your hands, you realize how shitty you looked. “I need some serotonin.” you said out loud. One of the benefits of having the dorm to yourself was that you could just say whatever you wanted… and there was no one there to hear you. That sometimes made the depression worse.

Shaking away the thoughts, you went back into your room and wrestled your computer onto your bed and hit play on the Beetlejuice soundtrack, which is your new hyperfixation of the month. Anything comforting that you could get your grubby, lonely hands on in this time of depression you took.

You stand in the middle of the room as Lydia sang her ballad, just feeling the music. For a moment you feel like crying again, only to be hit by emotional whiplash when The Whole Being Dead Thing starts up. You recover, shaking your head and starting to awkwardly dance along, mouthing the words and doing dramatic motions to accompany them.

By the time the soundtrack had reached the halfway point, you were full out singing every song. There was no one in the room anyway and if any of the people living near you heard, they couldn’t say anything, or at least you didn’t care. You needed that serotonin, dammit. 

You pause as Say My Name ends, out of breath from dancing and singing. You stand, heaving, as the dialogue at the beginning of Day-O starts playing. You grin, mouthing along to Delia’s lines and breaking out in song when the first “dayyyyyy-o” sounded. 

Daylight come and we want go home

You sing along at the top of your lungs, trying to imitate the jerky movements you had seen accompany this song in the Beetlejuice bootleg you found on tumblr. You absent-mindedly dance through all the dialogue, until-

“Beetlejuice!” you shout along with Lydia, climbing on top of your chair as the Beetlejuice in the recording went on.

“Beetlejuice!” you scream to the empty dorm, fueled by days of depression and sadness and the desperate need to have someone there, anyone at all so long as you weren’t lonely anymore.

“give me just one more.” from your computer. You gathered up all the air in your lungs and squeezed your eyes tight for one last, “BEETLEJUICE!” 

A swoosh and then the next line, “It’s showtime!” sounded like an echo.

You open your eyes as the soundtrack goes crazy and there, right in front of you, was Beetlejuice himself, in all his terrible striped suit and green haired glory. The only logical thing that occurred to your mind to do was scream and fall off the chair. Without taking your eyes off of him, you pause the music.

He grins at you. “Hey.”

“What the fuck.” you mutter. “Did…”

“Yeah, you summoned me here-”

“Can- How? I’m so confused. You’re real?”

“You know it babey.”

“Like…”

“Okay, let's not get into the specifics, I'm here and you summoned me, so what do you want me to do? Scare some people? Kill some people?”

“No!” you reach out for a second as if to physically stop him from just running outside and starting a killing spree. “Um… I need a second to process...” you wave a hand in his direction, “this.”

“No, yeah, sure I’ll just stand here and watch you. Cool space by the way.”

Does he ever slow down? You look around at the tiny dorm you called home. Half of it was your roommate’s so it was mostly empty of stuff except for the bed, and your side was decidedly messy. “Oh, yeah. I guess I have some cool posters of something.”

“Okay, so you good now? Can we get around to the reason you summoned me, cause I gotta tell you I got some other shit I gotta get to, so we gotta make this snappy.”

“Oh.” You wilt a bit, not wanting to let go of the only person you’d talked to in days. “Well I didn’t really mean to summon you-”

“Bullshit.” he scoffs. “Everyone means to do it, whether they know why or not.”

You squint, his comment already making you so much more tired then you already were. “Okay well to be fucking honest, I’m lonely as fuck because all my roommates left and so now I’m going to be spending the winter break in my dorm by myself and I’ve already started spiraling, so I was just trying to give my brain some seretonin when I accidentally summoned a fucking demon and honestly you’re the only human interaction I’ve had in days.” you finish, looking him dead in the eyes. He looked a bit surprised and you notice his hair had darkened a bit. “So there you go. Now you have full permission to just fuck off to wherever you want and leave me alone here to cry.”

You push past him and crawl back into the space under your bed, curling up in the beanbag with a blanket.

A moment’s pause and then, “Hey.”

You groan inwardly. Why hadn’t he left yet? Didn’t he have someplace better to be? He had already said as much. You glance up over your blanket and see the stinky rat man crouched down in front of your under-bed cave. “What?” It comes out a bit more bitter than you meant it to.

“You okay babes?”

You roll your eyes, ignoring the tears that immediately started threatening to overflow at the question. “Obviously not.”

Another pause and then, “What's wrong?”

“Did you not hear any of what I just said?” you sit up, finally meeting his eyes, and you notice his hair had become streaked with blue. “Mood ring hair.” you mutter.

“What?”

“Nothing. So why haven’t you left yet? Don’t you have some other, better, place to be?” you cross your arms.

“Well…” he stops crouching and sits down in front of you. “I was actually lying about all that.”

“...okay?” 

“Actually since you summoned me I can’t go away until you un-summon me.”

“Un-summon?”

“It’s this whole complicated process, involving-”

You cut him off. “I just have to say your time three times again, right?”

He froze and you knew you had gotten it correct. “No…”

“Your hair changes when you lie.” you nod to it.

He looks up and started messing with it, frantically trying to hide the streaks of yellow that had suddenly appeared. He looked so serious that you couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. He stops messing with his hair and looks at you and you immediately look away.

“So you know how to get me to leave, you can just-” he flails a bit, “and I'll be gone.”

You pull the blanket back over yourself and curl back up into a ball, letting out a muffled, “Okay.”

You could feel Beej’s eyes on you as the silence stretched longer.

“So… you gonna let me go or what?”

“I don’t know.” came the muffled reply. You pull the blanket down a bit so your mouth is free and continue. “On one hand, I'm incredibly lonely and depressed and I’m going to be basically alone for the entirety of the winter break, but on the other hand you’re weird and liable to kill someone at any given moment.”

He chuckles darkly. “You got that right, babes.”

You roll your eyes again and pull the blanket back up over your face. “I’m too depressed to make that decision. Or any decision for that matter.”

“Fine, I’ll make it for you.” he stands up, making a big fuss out of brushing his suit off. “I’m sticking around baby, and there’s nothing you can do about it!” and with that, he vanished with a pop.

You uncover your face and look around, but he was gone. “...what.”

#fanfiction #beetlejuice #my writing #beetlejuice fanfiction #beetlejuice/reader

[bluerosesburnblue]

So a while ago I made bios for my Hogwarts Mystery avatar, Seren, and her older brother. I figured it was only fair to do one for my KHUx keykid, too, especially since I made her first (and actually made her a character instead of just a self-insert weeks before I made Seren)

Now, in honor of Kingdom Hearts III coming out in 23 days, here’s some info about my starlight girl

Name: Blue. It’s a nickname (Yes, she has a real name that is not my name, I just don’t want to say it quite yet. I guess I can give you a hint, though. Starts with an “S”)

Union: Vulpes

Title: Unchained Starlight (“Light’s Apprentice” before the Keyblade War)

Top Keyblades: Starlight*, Divine Rose, Missing Ache

*Like most KHUx avatars, Starlight is her Keyblade’s default form

She always introduces herself as Blue, and then appends “It’s a nickname” to the end in a single breath. It’s almost a running joke among people she knows now. The Moogle Shop owner will call her Miss Itsanickname just to rile her up

So, just a general headcanon, but my personal timeline is that it takes about three years from the start of the Foretellers recruiting for the Keyblade War to happen

They recruit people anywhere from ages, like, 11-19. The Keyblade War was fought primarily by people from ages 17+ (the “older kids” and people who joined as kids but were adults when the war happened) and the Dandelions had a disproportionately large number of “younger kids” from ages 11-14, but people of all ages participated in either the War or the Dandelions

So Blue joined up at age 15 almost as soon as they started recruiting, right in the middle of the age group, and was about 18 by the time the war happened

I also headcanon that most of the kids in Daybreak Town were, like, runaways or abandoned or just otherwise had nowhere else to go (which is why the town is solely populated by unsupervised kids) who found themselves drawn to the light of Daybreak Town

Blue was of the “runaway” variety, and didn’t have any real friends back home. Small town, the “friends” she did have only really hung out because there were few kids in town

Her first real friend in town was @anheiressofasoldier‘s keykid, who went by “Heiress” at the time. Based on how anheiressofasoldier and I met, I imagine that Heiress dropped a journal with her writings in it somewhere in town, and Blue found it and dropped it off at the Moogle shop’s lost-and-found. Heiress hunted her down to thank her and one thing led to another and then Blue became a part of the party Heiress was in and that was that

Personally headcanon her as the youngest person in the party at the time, which makes her eventually being one of the oldest Dandelions and oldest “member” of the Sewer Squad more significant

Player is canonically kind of quiet. Blue doesn’t really go out of her way to chat with people, she mostly keeps to herself. But if you’re her friend, well, get ready for just a constant stream of philosophic ramblings, dorky Keyblade facts, and rants about the Moogle shop

Snarkmaster extraordinaire. Her Chirithy had to get his tendencies from somewhere, after all

Dramatic statements delivered in a deadpan tone. Most of her sense of humor is just downplaying the weirder things that happen to her

Flip-flops wildly between being a pretty chill, helpful, and quiet person and being THE MOST DRAMATIC PERSON YOU HAVE EVER MET IN YOUR LIFE depending on how emotional she is in the moment

Wise well beyond her years. Always has been, but it becomes more pronounced the older she gets and the more open with advice she gets

She probably keeps a few plants in her room. Strelitzia would’ve liked them

Her big thing is Keyblade forging. Crafting Keyblades? Designing the weapons? Running around town for days trying to get the right materials for just one more refinement to her perfect recipe for each keychain? Yuuuuup

Headcanon that she’s the one who created the design for the Missing Ache Keyblade in a fit of sadness after Ephemer fails to show up for their meeting (because it’s unlocked in Proud Mode three missions after he disappears). She started designing it while waiting for him at the fountain about an hour after their meeting time

“Chirithy please, I just need one more Electrum Ore.” “You haven’t slept in two days please stop.” “But I’ve almost got it, buddy!”

She might be the last person left in the Dandelions who knows anything about creating and refining Keyblades and keychains

She frequently takes her forging materials to the fountain or up on the rooftops to work, just because the scenery helps her relax. The Keyblade is a weapon of the heart, so if your heart’s at peace, you’ll get the best results

Related, she likes heights. If you can’t find her, she’s probably on a roof somewhere, either reading, Keyblade crafting, or watching the sky

Would probably die for her Chirithy and then realize later that if she dies so does he and she instantly regret everything. He is, no joke, the best friend she’s ever had and she loves him more than anything

She’d really love to collect souvenirs from every world that she visits, and was really disappointed when the ones that she picked up disappeared when she got back to Daybreak Town. It only made sense later, when she learned that the worlds she was visiting were illusions

I could see her deciding to try foods at each location she visits and deciding to collect recipes on her travels

She’s probably a decent cook. She does live by herself, after all

The fact that she’s not actually visiting other places is the most disappointing thing to her, because she’d love to travel and it turns out she hasn’t been

The Moogle who runs the Moogle Shop is her eternal rival. He makes some really good food and drinks, but his medal banners are NONSEEEEENSE and she refuses to spend money on them. They are constantly heckling each other about it

Clothing-wise, she hates skirts and she hates having her fingers covered. She sighs dramatically every time her reward clothes have a skirt, and cuts the fingers off of any pair of gloves she owns. She used to hate midriff-bearing shirts and sighed when she got them, but tried one out when she got older and they just kind of stuck as part of her style after that point

Started wearing hats to hide her face and her little spiked piece of hair that she was super self conscious about (“It’s the one piece that won’t stay down!”). Stopped wearing them after Ephemer saw her take her hat off and told her the little spike was cute

Frequently throws her Keyblade during fights, and one of her favorite combat techniques is throwing it and letting it fly around and hit things while she goes in for some magically enhanced punching and kicking. Her Keyblade is out of her hand as much as it is in her hand during the course of a fight

Most of my commands tend to be either ice or thunder-based, so I’d say she specializes in Blizzard and Thunder based techniques, with some light-based magic attacks and dark-based physical attacks on the side

She’s good at changing up her battle style on the fly (based on Player’s ability to easily swap Keyblades and employ magic, power, and speed attacks on any setup in any order)

That being said, she does favor magic, then speed, then power in that order

Very hard to keep down. If she were in a main series KH game, she’d get Once More and Second Chance pretty early on and maybe even Auto-Life by level up

The encounter with Nightmare Chirithy deeply affected her, because it really was the personification of all of her sadness, anger, self-loathing, etc... and yet it made good points that made sense to her and were honestly things she’d been thinking of for a long time. She took its talk of relying too much on the Foretellers’ powers to heart and started training herself to use her own power not long afterwards

She respected Ava a lot. Even when she was starting to get frustrated with all of the Foretellers for just doing what their Master told them to without question, she still had faith in Ava, and spent at least part of the War trying to convince her to just help her stop the fighting, and it broke her heart when Ava refused to help, but told her she was proud of the Keyblade Wielder she’d become

Blue used to actively reject her darkness at the start, but as she started questioning the Foretellers she started being more conflicted about it, shoving it down until Nightmare Chirithy became a problem. She spends a lot of time post-War in a weird depressive state where she can’t remember the war but still feels the emotional effects of it and can’t figure out why, and will eventually become this post once she comes to terms with her emotions post-War. She enters into an almost Riku-like state of being chill with her own darkness, though in her case it’s more of a “just let the emotions happen and use whichever element matches” thing

I’ve named her Spirit after Missile, best doggo and top Pomeranian from Ghost Trick, and I’ve been trying to make the spirit look like him ever since. In-universe, the Spirit dog’s name is Missile thanks to the Blast trick

Ephemer took a liking to her pretty fast because she was the one person who wasn’t even a little lost during his infodumps. And she contributed to his theorizing. She was practically perfect friend material

Mentioned that I ship Ephelayer recently, but I honestly can’t see Blue developing romantic feelings for him unless she sees him again and gets to know him better. She knew him for a day, and while she liked him a lot, that’s not grounds for a romantic relationship. I think of it more as a “they could be good together in the future” sort of thing. As long as Ephemer communicates with her

Ephemer was really special to her, because he was probably the first friend that she actively made on her own. Heiress was the one who hunted her down, but Ephemer was the one that she went and saved on her own and befriended on her own. Which is why it hurt so much when he didn’t show up

Headcanon that meeting Ephemer happens about two years after recruitment starts, so she was 16/17-ish when that happened, and he was about the same

Since time moves weird in the datascape, she may actually be physically older than him at this point since he would have entered it first, about a year or two before the war

Skuld is also one of the best friends she’s ever had, but she can’t remember most of their time together post-War, so she’s not entirely sure why she misses that black-haired girl she barely knew

She starts off as pretty awkward and shy, but by the time the war comes about she’s the Ultimate Big Sis, helping out all of the younger kids and being really nice to the kids who come up to her asking for help

She’d probably have adopted Strelitzia and Ven as younger siblings in a heartbeat

Strelitzia’s crush wasn’t romantic, it was definitely a “cool older kid” crush. Strong “I wish that person was my sibling” vibes. Especially since Blue and Lauriam are probably close in age

I... am not sure that she even knew the Sewer Squad before entering the datascape, so that’s all with 18-year-old, tired and jaded post-War Blue

Her memories being rewritten have actually messed her up way worse than Ephemer, Skuld, and Chirithy were expecting. She can’t remember how old she was at any given point during her time in Daybreak Town anymore, who her old party was (since... I think Player’s whole party canonically dies in the war? So they’ve gotta get erased before Player starts questioning what happened to them), what her life was like before Daybreak Town, or even that Blue isn’t her real name (the last one being what tips Chirithy off that they may have messed up). Her sense of time no longer exists, either

She also sleeps a lot more after the war, which worries Chirithy a lot

Even though they’ve overwritten her memories of the war, the scars still exist in her heart. So it’s honestly worse that she can’t clearly remember, since now she just feels extreme guilt and grief with no discernible source and hides it behind a cheerful facade most of the time since she, like... can’t even justify her own sadness to herself. And she can’t fix the problem by dealing with the trauma because she’s not even sure the trauma existed

She’s not technically a Dandelion, but believes that she is because it’s how her memories have made sense of the whole thing

I called the Sewer Squad her surrogate younger siblings in my post about the Halloween Event, and that’s true. She’s older than all of them, and not even technically a member of their party. She’s an honorary member, and they call her the team Big Sis whenever she joins them

How she takes getting her memories back is going to entirely depend on the situation she remembers them in

#liz art #kingdom hearts unchained x #kingdom hearts union x #khux #keykid #blue (it's a nickname) #i blame my ocs sunny and skye for the fact that all of my avatar characters have to have names that start with s now #but my pokemon avatar saga who i have never mentioned on this blog is technically the one who started the trend #saving the name for something closer to kh3 release date

[randomfandomimagine]

Smile (Dan & Phil x Reader)

Characters: Dan Howell (danisnotonfire) and Phil Lester (AmazingPhil)

Fandom: Phandom/Youtubers

Categories: Reader Insert, Gender!Neutral Reader, Polyamorous

Title: Smile

  Requested by anon:

Hello! Could you possibly write a Phan x reader (polyamorous relationship cause I rarely see it) and the reader is depressed and kinda suicidal so Dan and Phil just take care of them all day. Like tell them why they're amazing (cute sticky notes idk whatever is fine) and take them out and just make em happy and feel worthy. Very fluffy! You don't have to write this if it's too triggering and/or if you're against polyamory. I'm just sad and this stuff always makes me happy. Chao!❤

Requested by anon:

Could you pleeaasee write an imagine where Dan and Y/n have a cute date night at home with dinner, movies and cuddling, etc and then they put music on and 'Perfect' by Ed Sheeran comes on and they slow dance in the living room and with their foreheads pressed together and just really fluffy stuff then Dan says everything he loves about Y/n and he proposes at the end of the song?? Sorry that it's so specific! thank you! <3

I let out a big sigh as I continued to apathetically browse Tumblr on my laptop, not really even enjoying what I was doing. I was just trying to distract myself not to dwell on my negative thoughts.

I stirred in my bed, lying in a different position, and feebly kept on scrolling through my dashboard. I couldn’t wait to go to sleep.

Then a knock came on the door, surprising me. Even though, honestly, I should have expected them to check on me. Truth was, I had almost forgotten I lived with Dan and Phil.

“Come in” I replied tiredly, sitting up slightly to look at the door.

“Hey, Y/N” Phil stuck his head and stared at me.

I noticed how he frowned when he saw me, his eyes filling with concern.

“Hi, Phil”

“You alright?” He asked me, trying to keep an upbeat tone in his voice.

With a sigh, I put the laptop away and properly sat up. Phil cautiously walked into the room when he noticed this.

Since I wasn’t really saying anything else, he sat down in the bed with me.

“We haven’t really seen you for like two days other than bumping into you on your way to the bathroom or something” His beautiful blue eyes pierced me worriedly.

“I have been feeling… well, pretty depressed” I was so tired that I didn’t really care telling him the truth. I just wanted to feel better.

I could read the genuine sadness in Phil’s eyes in response to my words, but he still kept a cheerful attitude when he replied.

“Why hadn’t you said something? You know we’re here for you” His hand tenderly rubbed my upper arm in a fond gesture.

I just shrugged, not really knowing the answer. When I was like that, I was pretty lost and didn’t really know how I felt. I was just so dull and passive.

“Well, we’re gonna get you to smile, you’ll see” Risking it a bit, he leaned forward and kissed me in the cheek. “Dan!!”

As he called out to the house, hoping to receive an answer, he stood up from the bed and offered me a hand. I felt too lazy and couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed.

“Yeah?” Finally, it came Dan’s voice from somewhere in the house.

“Y/N is sad!” Phil replied loudly, so he could hear him. “Come here and help me put a smile on this cute little face!”

I rolled my eyes at his attempts, still finding them endearing. Phil was also so bright and so nice, it warmed my heart.

“Wot?!” Dan exclaimed in outrage, and we could hear him racing toward us.

Phil chuckled at his endearing gesture while I waited for the inevitable.

When Dan arrived to our room he was gasping for air as he had run so fast, the goofball. I would have smiled if it weren’t for that mood I was rendered in because of my stupid depression.

“You’re sad?! I thought you were being lazy and wanting to be alone with your movies and stuff” He sighed, not too happy about such discovery. “Is your depression acting up again?”

“Yeah…”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“I don’t know…”

The two of them were there, watching me worriedly, and they were so determined to help me. It was so sweet, but I couldn’t expect less dating them both.

“Wanna go play videogame or something?” Phil offered with a kind smile.

“I guess…” I shrugged again, not truly feeling like it but knowing it would do me some good.

Besides, Dan and Phil always managed to cheer me up. I never understood how they did it, but after spending a few hours with them I felt so much better. They made me so happy.

I guessed I was too focused in my own negativity to remember. Or to even think about going for them for help.  

“Let’s go!” Dan took me by the arm and somehow pushed me onto his shoulder.

“Dan!” I complained as he carried me outside the room.

“Be careful!” Phil yelped in a high-pitched voice, stretching his arms out just in case I fell, prepared to catch me.

*

They tried distracting me with videogames, movies and anime, but it didn’t quite work. I couldn’t really focus enough to enjoy any of those activities.

Using it as a last resort, we were watching Friends, knowing how great that show was. It always filled you with great vibes and made you laugh. Good enough, I guess.

The three of us were cuddling in the couch, me being in the middle so I was in the receiving end of both their cuddles. Phil comfortably rested his head on my shoulder and cupped my hand with his, a gesture that surely meant to reassure me by giving me some affection. Dan copied him as well, taking my other hand and intertwining our fingers together.

We laughed a little when, in the TV, Joey pushed Ross into the refrigerator and blamed him of breaking it. That show was so light-hearted and funny that it somehow managed to raise my spirits a little.

Feeling comfortable and slightly better, I leaned into Dan and rested my head on his chest. Phil didn’t lose time to wrap his arms around me and fondly nuzzle my neck as Dan placed an arm around me.

We didn’t speak as we watched TV, we didn’t need to. We were comfortable, and for the first time in days it was finally starting to feel like I could allow myself to smile a little. Because I was content right there and then with them.

All of a sudden, Dan suddenly gasped. I could hear his heart speeding up a little since my ear still rested over his chest.

“Have you eaten anything today?” When I looked up at him, I noticed how he stared at me gravely, eyebrows knitted in concern.

“Y/N, please tell me you have” Phil separated himself from me, but his hand refused to leave mine.

“N-Not really…” I admitted in a whisper, ashamed to confess it.

It was just that when I felt like that it was so hard to accomplish simple tasks as such. Eating, drinking water, showering… all those things felt like a world to me when all I had the energy for was lying down in bed.

Not to mention that my upset stomach wouldn’t really accept food.

Gently sitting up so I wouldn’t fall without his support, Dan then stood up. He dedicated me a determined glance as he pointed his finger at me.

“Phil, you spoil the fuck out of Y/N” He told us in his jokingly important voice. “And I’m gonna make dinner!”

“Dan, you don’t have to” They were definitely spoiling me, actually cooking for me.

“I’m gonna!” He was already on his way to the kitchen.

Knowing him, he would also make my favorite meal even if it took him forever.

While Dan was gone, I looked at Phil. His kind blue eyes were piercing me lovingly, it made me think of how much they both adored me. Perhaps if I was worth their love, I couldn’t be that much of a mess as I thought to be.

I managed to smile a little, warmed by the idea that they were trying so hard to cheer me up, to take care of me and remind me how much they loved me.

To do anything in their power to make sure to look after me when I didn’t look after myself, to distract me and be there for me. That alone meant the world to me.

“You already know this, but…” Phil mumbled, eyeing me carefully as though what he was about to say was delicate. “You can always talk to us, if you need to vent or cheering up or anything”

“I know, Philly” Endeared by his further efforts, I held his face and pecked his cheek amorously. “Thanks”

He then displayed a cute smile, even if his pale cheeks had turned a light rose tone. It was adorable when he blushed.

“Want a marshmallow?” Phil suddenly said to avoid embarrassment and to divert my attention from his blushing.

To my surprise, that precious boy pulled out a small bag of marshmallows from his pocket as though he carried it with him at all times. I always knew he had a sweet tooth, but that was ridiculous!

“Phil…” I laughed, shaking my head at the silly scene.

He then let out a strange noise, a mixture between a shocked gasp and a happy high-pitched squeak.

“Dan!” He was overreacting, but it was great seeing how he celebrated my improvements. “Y/N smiled! She’s laughing!”

“Wot?!” A yell came from the kitchen, and we soon heard feet stomping as his enormous stature ran across the house to get back to us again.

Seconds later, he stood at the door of the room, watching us with a twinkle of joy shining in his brown eyes.

“Mission accomplished!” Phil jumped to his feet and high-fived him.

Even if they missed and made a fool out of themselves. I couldn’t tell if that was deliberate or not.

“Does that mean you’re gonna stop being nerds?” I affectionately asked them, trying to convey my gratitude.

“No!” Phil replied in his outraged high-pitched voice.

“It is still our duty to spill you to the maximum!” Dan took my hand and gently pulled at it until I was standing up from the couch. “Come here!”

“I’ll keep cooking, be right back!” Before he left, Phil kissed me in the cheek.

Gallantly, Dan placed an arm around me and took my hand and began to slow dance with me.

“Thanks, Danny” I gladly snuggled closer to him, hiding my face on his shoulder and enjoying the warm closeness.

“Don’t mention it, Y/N” He left a tender kiss on my forehead that made me giddy.

*

Having eaten, hydrated myself and being spoiled, it felt livelier. Dan and Phil’s cares had greatly improved my mood and seemingly belittled my worries and insecurities. They were still there, but with those two boys around they didn’t seem as important anymore.

Somehow I ended up lying in the couch, with my head resting on Dan’s lap as he tenderly caressed my hair and with my legs up on Phil’s as he absently tapped his fingers against them.

Thanks to them, I was experiencing a comforting calm and peacefulness that I hadn’t in days. My anxiety used to drive me crazy with distressing thoughts and this feeling of being unable to breathe. But right then I sighed happily.

“You know what you could use now?” Phil mumbled, his eyes directed to yet another episode of Friends in the TV. “Some fresh air”

“Very fresh air, actually” I replied jokingly. “We live in London”

Dan and Phil exchanged a hopeful glance because of my little joke. Those two nerds, being so happy that I felt in the mood to make a joke.

“You’re right” I mumbled as I lazily stood up. “But just a little walk, I’m kinda tired”

“Yeah, just enough to get you some fresh air!”

“Or some direct sunlight” Dan teased us, knowing it would be cloudy.

I briefly gave them a kiss before I went to get ready.

As I walked to my room, I noticed there was something in my door that wasn’t usually there. A small green sticky note with Phil’s messy handwriting.

Curious, I picked it up and read it.

‘Hi, Y/N! Get ready to read the things we love about you…’ I turned around the small note to read what was in the back. ‘I wanted to tell you in person, but Dan knew you would be all flustered so…’

That comment earned a chuckle from me, because I realized they were right. I would feel overwhelmed and stupid if they rambled about those things in person. But it was an adorable idea, and one that definitely made me feel better.

I opened the door and let out a small laugh when I noticed there were sticky notes all over my bedroom. Dan and Phil must have sneaked in when they were ‘making dinner’.

The closest one to me was on my bedside table, a blue sticky note with the number 1 scribbled on it with Dan’s handwriting. I picked it up and turned it around to read the first compliment.

‘Your amazing smile! Are you kidding me? That bright, genuine wonderful smile that can bring world peace! *heart eyes*’

I was very glad that they decided this method instead, because I would never see the end of it if they were telling me all those things to my face. I would blush so hard that their teasing would end me.

In the headboard of my bed there was a yellow one that read ‘Number 2. Your eyes are so warm and friendly and beautiful!’ with Phil’s handwriting.

The number 3 was written by Dan, stuck on my desk, and it said ‘I swear, Y/N, the sound of your laughter is so pure and precious that it purifies the darkness of my soul’ in an orange sticky note that made me laugh.

As I got changed, I kept on reading these cute little notes. And feeling happy and blessed with each one.

*

They were waiting for me out of my room, already dressed and ready to go out. They were so lovely, it was so heartwarming all they were doing for me that day. And always.

“Ready?” Dan asked me with a warm smile plastered in his lips.

There were hidden mischievous smile on both their faces as they tried to pretend like they didn’t fill my room with adorable little notes.

I nodded and hugged them both tightly. I lingered on the embrace for quite a while before we left the apartment, feeling lucky that I had those two wonderful boys that I could call boyfriends and that would always be there to cheer me up. To make me smile.

#imagine #oneshot #phandom #phandom imagine #phandom oneshot #dan #dan imagine #dan oneshot #phil #dan and phil #phil imagine #phil oneshot #poly #polyamorous #gender neutral reader #fluff #gender neutral #reader insert #requested #dan x reader #phil x reader #dan howell #dan howell x reader #dan howell imagine #dan howell oneshot #phil lester #phil lester imagine #phil lester oneshot #phil lester x reader #youtubers

[adventures-in-asexuality]

bi-gray replied to your post “I keep sitting down with myself, trying to go, okay, let’s look at...”

What is upsetting you?

(putting under a cut because long and probably boring. thank you for asking)

- Health stuff. Short-term I am kind of terrified about going back to work tomorrow, about trying to get through each day, each week, and the next, and the next... you get the picture. Way too much pain, way too much fatigue, way too much other bullshit side effects. Long-term, I am concerned about how this is only getting worse, faster and faster. I’m not really managing now. I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal if/when it keeps getting worse. (I suspect I’m not supposed to deal, really. But I have to do something.)

The obvious answer here is ‘go back to the fucking doctor, Libris’. Partly this is an issue because, well, I’m barely managing to get to work; it’s not like I have extra spoons to go to the doctor on top of that. (And it’s not like they have appointments, either. >_>) But the bigger issue there is that no one ever believes me. ‘just take less painkillers. deal with it. get some more exercise, lose weight maybe.’ (I would take an advocate - that does help - but my geographically closest friend is in fuckin Amsterdam, unfortunately.) That doesn’t mean I don’t still need to try and get to the doctor when I, hah, feel well enough - but given that, and the complete lack of treatment for any of this, I’m not holding out hope. (Don’t take painkillers! Get CBT so that you’re not upset about being in pain, because thinking that it sucks and has notable cognitive symptoms and impairs your ability to do literally anything is just your brain lying to you!)

I am working towards being able to work from home sometimes, which will help a little. My manager doesn’t get why that won’t stop me from being sick, but it’s a step.

- Related to that, it really frustrates me that I just... can’t do anything. Like, the go-to thing for being depressed is ‘do something, occupy your mind, then you’re occupied and can be pleased that you did a thing’. And that’s worthwhile - but, I can’t do anything. I try to write, but my brain is always completely blank; I try to build games, same; write music, make interactive things - whatever you please, my brain just. Won’t. And I can’t go for walks; I can’t exercise; I can’t cook or clean or whatever. I’m just. Stuck.

- Which is also another thing: I can’t really find a goal, which is a problem. Like, my way of dealing with things has always been: everything sucks, but I have a goal to work towards, and that will make things better. And now - I lost that goal, and I am spending 150% of my spoons barely keeping up the status quo of ‘staying alive’. And as far as I can see it’s just going to get worse. Which is... not very encouraging, in terms of reasons to hold on and keep going through all the awful. (I realise this sounds really emo and stupid. Sorry. I’m not doing fantastic.)

I don’t really have solutions for either of the above (I mean, or they wouldn’t be problems!). I am working on getting a new laptop, both to work from home when I can and to play games, so that at least I can do something beyond reading webpages and the like. But it’s still a bit of an issue that I haven’t solved.

Those are, I guess, the Big Life Problems that I haven’t solved. The ones underneath are probably smaller; they are still bad and I hate them or they frustrate me, but they don’t keep leading to ‘you are just gonna die’. >_>

- I am really frustrated about the whole caring/feelings thing again. I know this keeps coming around; I still haven’t solved it to my satisfaction. I... try really hard not to care too much about people, because that doesn’t seem to end well. As far as I can tell, I got so good at building the robot hologram girl that can look after people and be there for them and tell them she enjoys their company and so on, without wanting or caring about things in return, that no one really wants the inconvenience of an actual Libris? (And I mean, that is understandable; convenience and kindness is everything. And this does sound more douchey than I mean it to; I don’t mean that me looking after people isn’t genuine, I just... try not to get attached. People don’t want that. And it makes me sad. And then I end up accidentally caring about people anyway and then I angst about it like I am doing here.)

I would like to be able just to stop caring about people, but that isn’t quite a solution. (It would be a good one! It would stop hurting every time I’m reminded how eternally unwanted it is! But here we fucking are!) I don’t have another one. (Well, I should probably have some sort of conversation at some point with at least one of the people involved. But I am unsure how to or what I’d want to say or what the point even would be, so I am throwing an internal tantrum about it. >_>) I do hate just being pushed away, though. *shrug*

- I really really really hate sexuality stuff. I wish I could just burn it out of me, make it gone, make it so that I stopped caring or had never cared or could just still be completely ace and never ever really want to touch anyone, be completely self-sufficient forever. I hate that it’s real I hate that I care I hate that there’s never really appropriate ways to talk about shit or even know what a solution might be or try to find out I hate it I hate it I hate it. [Also, like, insert here general rants about anorexia.]

I know that isn’t a solution. I know I’m supposed to be okay. I don’t know how to be.

- Related to all of the above, I can feel myself doing the isolation thing again, and it frustrates me because I don’t know what’s true. I don’t know how much I’m supposed to Not Talk about shit. I don’t know whether people don’t talk because they don’t like me or because they feel awkward or because they fell asleep. I don’t know what people want from me to make them happy. I don’t know how they want me to be. I don’t know if trying not to talk about shit is politely respecting their boundaries or making them unhappy that I’m withdrawing or anywhere in between. I just don’t know.

I don’t have a solution for that. I keep trying to watch people and find out what they want. Talk about inconsequential things and see how they react. Try to leave them alone and wait for them to seek me out. None of these are great strategies, so I am just yelling a bit.

Sorry. This got extremely very long. Thank you for reading. >_>

[trendingnewsb]

The 5 Stupidest People On The Planet (Are All Donald Trump)

How many times are you allowed to say or do something stupid before you realize you yourself are stupid? Seven times? 24? Butts? Rush Limbaugh has been wrong about 270 things a day for 40 years, and he would be truly shocked to learn he’s stupid. We aren’t good at spotting our own intellectual limitations. We walk around thinking we’re brilliant, no matter how many times we get our head stuck in an alligator or our genitals stuck in an alligator. I can prove it: I think I’m smart enough to write an article on intelligence, and the only book I’ve read is the movie Bloodsport. I also recently typed the number butts. Twice. Hold on, butts times now.

The cluelessly stupid are a diverse and colorful community, but most of them fall into one of five distinct categories. I’ll include a famous example of each one, which may end up getting confusing, since our dumbfuck president is somehow the example for all five. So here is a list of dumb idiots, which is maybe the best idea I’ve had for an article since 8 Album Covers White People Could Never Pull Off or Your 3rd Grade Textbook, Only Written By Gary Busey. Here’s the book cover for when it inevitably gets adapted into national bestseller:

One last thing before we start. I imagine that some of you have already taken the idea of this article personally, and you’re keenly watching for any logical flaw, strawman fallacy, or typo which will allow you to dismiss me as a totally wrong hypocrite. If so, I have some bad news: You’re much dumber than you think, and this article is about you. And since you’re already in the comments section, the rest of this sentence is for everyone else: See if you can guess which entry that guy was!

We live in a world infested with experts — body language experts who speculate on handshake meanings, social media experts who tweet about Twitter to Twitterbots, romance experts who tell you how to fuck on a pizza*. There are no rules to declaring yourself an expert. And when you’re self-important enough to think universally shared experiences are yours alone, you become a Keeper of the Common Knowledge.

*Cheese-up, while generously fingering your lover’s pepperoni chakra. You’re welcome, couples.

A Keeper of the Common Knowledge can become a leading mind on a subject after a Wikipedia paragraph or a few hazy childhood memories. Here’s how it works: Every day, about 4,500 American tourists check into Paris hotels. After a few days of standard vacation packaging, they come home, and their barely noteworthy trip is only brought up every time France is mentioned for the rest of their lives. But for a Keeper of the Common Knowledge, those three days offered an insight into a culture so complete that they know the mysterious French people better than they know themselves.

A Keeper of Common Knowledge offers their wisdom when you need it least. They are bursting with things no person could possibly not know, and it spills out at the slightest relevance. They might insert themselves into a discussion about pro wrestling only to explain it’s fake. If you make eye contact with them at a buffet, they give conspiratorial advice, like how to pile the most expensive foods into little shrines honoring your victory over the restaurant. They interrupt movies to share arcane knowledge like how guns are quite noisy or hanging from a cliff makes your arms tired. They’re the kind of person who tells you not to use shampoo as a lubricant, as if they’re the inventor of making love to a bowling ball. Let me spend Valentine’s Day however I want, genius.

Helping Understand Keepers Of The Common Knowledge With Stupid President Donald Trump

Remember when Trump was always saying he was the best at military? That wasn’t a crafty lie to get the tank loader vote; he really thinks that. But why? How? He dodged military service with a note from his gynecologist, and the only book on war he’s read is a Hitler cat recipe book. Well, I’ve done my best to piece together how he came to think of himself as the greatest military mind of our time. It’s pretty amazing how many personality and mental disorders had to come together to make it happen. Keep in mind that I’m not a licensed doctor and can’t diagnose him. However, I do know that popular disabled impersonator Donald Trump has so much evil inside him that his proctologist’s ungloved fingers now add an anus to any flesh they touch. When Trump got an MRI, the computer just showed an image of his daughter squatting over Jesus Christ and peeing into his missing eyes. With that in mind, let’s examine the 4D chessboard the commander in chief calls his “very good brain.”

During the debates, Donald complained that George Patton was spinning in his grave because we announced we were going into Mosul. “Why not go in quiet?” he asked many times. It was most likely rhetorical, but also so ignorant that one moderator accidentally answered it for him. Also, Patton famously led an insane decoy army to distract the Nazis. Saying he’s spinning in his grave over someone being bold is like saying, “I didn’t even read the Netflix description of the movie about the guy I’m invoking” and then adding, “It is truly impossible to miss how terrible I am. I am a walking DO NOT IRON WHILE WEARING SHIRT label. People see me and wonder what helplessly uninformed assholes created a need for me.”

Trump kept referring to a secret military plan to defeat ISIS which he would only reveal after he was made president. This lie was almost cute, like when your boyfriend pretends he knew it was your birthday, or when Mike Huckabee’s son says, “The dog was ritually murdered this way when I found it!” But I don’t think Trump was lying! He really thought he had solved ISIS when his very good brain invented the “sneak attack.” Paradoxically, he knew it was brilliant, but also so obvious that the generals were stupid for not thinking of it. I know a lot of absurdity is getting thrown around in this article, but he actually said that, and Mike Huckabee’s son actually murdered a dog. And Trump’s proctologist absolutely adds buttholes to all flesh he touches. It happens so often that he’s stopped apologizing for it.

From what I can tell, the rest of Trump’s military tactics are made up entirely of war crimes. One morning, convicted fraudster Donald Trump called in to a talk show to suggest we kill the families of terrorists. In one of his first executive briefings, he asked three times why we can’t use nuclear weapons if we have them. That’s his understanding of modern warfare — he thinks all the bad people travel in one bombable group, moving to a new town every time the guileless United States military announces it’s coming. Which means their only weakness is the first president with enough balls to instantly and without warning murder their children. It’s weird, because most clinical sociopaths know that in order to blend in, they’re at least supposed to pretend human life has value.

Trump sounds like a guy who had atomic bombs explained to him by an ill-advised puppet show, but he assured us that “There’s nobody that understands the horrors of nuclear better than me.” How deep does our president’s record-breaking understanding of the horror of nuclear go? Well, in the most aggressively uninformed statement ever made by a dumbest man in the room, he told reporters, “You know what uranium is, right? It’s this thing called nuclear weapons. And other things. Like, lots of things are done with uranium. Including some bad things.”

Those words came out of his mouth. After bragging about being the leading nuclear mind on the planet! No, you don’t get it. You, me, all of us, we now live in a world where anything can happen. Our president, the PRESIDENT, knows three war things — sneak attacks are surprise, nuclear is some bad things, nothing fucking else — and with all his heart, he believes he is a military genius. And we, the people who all knew at least those same things, believed him! We put him in charge of the military! You can absolutely fuck off if that doesn’t prove magic is real.

There’s a soothing belief among the unskilled and dumb that every issue is simple and knowledge is a pointless endeavor. A Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise thinks they have a refreshing outsider’s take on every issue. They say things like “Hollywood should only make daring, original films” or “The cure for the obesity epidemic is fucking eating less” or “Have depressed people tried not being sad?” Everything is so easy to solve if you stop ignoring the obvious answer!

There is a lot of appeal in thinking any of the world’s problems can be fixed with your no-nonsense telling it like it is. In fact, our movies and TV shows cater to it. They manufacture situations in which the obvious solution is ignored until the doofus character suggests an extremely common-sense idea. The others say something like “My- my God, it’s so simple it’s brilliant!” If you’re dumb enough, it feels like they’re talking to you! Let me give you an example.

Remember in Top Gun, when Maverick is being chased by an enemy jet through the danger zone? He’s going to die if he can’t get behind them, but how? Easy: He’s going to slam on the brakes, and they will fly right by. No one in the movie can believe it. That shit isn’t in the Pilot Rulebook, Maverick! But rules and pilots will never replace raw street smarts like the kind you and Maverick have. Personally, I’m so street smart that I don’t even wonder how the jet already had brakes if Maverick was the first guy to invent the idea of slowing down a jet with jet brakes. I’m so street smart that I would have thrown a bowling ball out the window and said “She broke my heart too, pal!” as it smashed into the enemy pilot’s chest, making a perfect comedic callback to earlier, when I was having sex with that bowling ball.

Here’s an example from a movie that isn’t 31 years old:

Have you ever noticed how in sports movies, there’s always a wildcard character who ends up being the best at the sport because they’ve never heard of it? They hit the golf ball or kick the football furthest because they haven’t cluttered their brain with pointless “knowledge.” Or maybe they’re unstoppable at basketball because they’re a caveman, or a dog. If you’re fetally alcoholed enough, these movies send a truly comforting message: Your lack of knowledge is specifically what will make you great at things. And think of how many things you don’t know how to do. But not too hard; you don’t want to accidentally understand anything so well that you become bad at it, like George Lucas did with Star Wars or Gamergate did with women.

Helping Understand Pure Intellects Untainted By Expertise With Stupid President Donald Trump

Knowing nothing about how to do something but also being the only one who can do it is Donald Trump’s defining philosophy. He went into his campaign telling everyone how he knew nothing about politics, and that’s virtually the only thing he didn’t lie about. But of all his shortcomings, nothing demonstrates a Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise as much as his stupid fucking Mexico WALL.

To think a wall is the solution to drugs, illegal immigration, or human trafficking requires a spectacular lack of knowledge. You have to carefully not read the first sentence of the first Google result on any of the issues. Most undocumented immigrants arrive legally and overstay their visas. Nothing has stopped drugs ever. I don’t have all the stats on human trafficking, but every Staples I called said that they haven’t printed an unusually high number of SEX SLAVE LIQUIDATION SALE signs since Trump announced he wanted a fence.

I’m already attacking the problem with facts, and our president wouldn’t know a fact if it unraveled his combover and rappelled down Trump Tower. A human should know a wall wouldn’t work simply by remembering what they know about walls. And since we live in an amazing time when anything can happen, we’ve actually witnessed Donald Trump accidentally think too hard about his wall and figure out that it wouldn’t work.

In November of last year, Trump was explaining walls to a crowd. He reassured them that no one could scale his wall by saying, “There’s no ladder going over there.” He then took a long, silent thought … maybe to consider whether Mexicans have ladder technology? He caveated, “If they ever get up there, they’re in trouble, ’cause there’s no way to get down.” Still deep in thought, he added, “… maybe a rope.” And with that, he debunked his own fence, almost a year ago, by inadvertently thinking about it for just the smallest amount of time.

Since then, it seems like any time Trump talks about the subject for too long, he’ll remember another way to defeat a wall and have to add a feature. He once remembered that you can dig under walls, so he added special vibration-sensing anti-tunnel technology. He once misunderstood what someone meant by the word “transparent,” and insisted that yeah, it was important to make the wall transparent so you can see the giant bags of drugs falling over it. And when he remembered that hammers can smash through walls, he suggested we fill it with, no bullshit, nuclear waste. There was also some talk of solar panels and a railroad. So now this thing senses vibrations (except for its own railroad), is climb-proof, is immune to everything but rope, and they’re going to fill it with nuclear waste, which you can see because the wall is transparent. Also it’s made of solar panels. So maybe this is an example of how knowing nothing about a thing sometimes can make you the best at it. Because Trump knows less about walls than a free-range chicken’s limitless dreams, and he somehow designed the sweetest goddamn wall in the world.

The Determined Fool decided many years ago that they were extremely correct about something. Maybe they picked a political party, or a video game console, or the concept of snakes as pets. Whatever it was, they went about building their identity around the simple, unquestionable truth of that thing’s supremacy. Since absolute certainty is a trait shared only by the very stupid, it turns out they were wrong. About everything. The alien-worshiping religion or the perpetually sued president they chose did not in fact end man’s quest for universal truth. So now their life is devoted to developing the insanities necessary to keep their minds from noticing their mistake.

The human brain is an amazing organ. It can keep the Determined Fool ignorant even in the face of overwhelming education. In fact, proving to a Determined Fool how they are wrong usually only makes them more wrong. But who am I to say what’s real? Our perception is just the interface we use to interpret a Universe of unknown wonders. I think it was Guy Fieri who once honked the horn on his top-down Chevelle and screamed, “Truth is a fleeting concept, like a slippery dildo in a dildo sweepstakes booth, weeknights at 8 on the Food Network!”

I found this image in a folder called DRUNK PHOTOSHOP and thought “I’ll never find a place for whatever this is, drunk me.” In your face, sober me.

No one has a handle on truth, but 2,300 years ago, Aristotle said that the best truth is usually the one balanced between two extremes. So how are the most extreme people always the most sure they’re right? It’s been a dumb thing to think since they literally fucking invented how to think. Completely unaware of this, the Determined Fool starts political wars from indefensible positions like “trickle-down economics” or “Let’s hear these Nazis out.” Luckily, they have an arsenal of behavioral problems and logical fallacies to help them move out of any checkmate. For instance, maybe you decided you support Trump because he’s a great businessman who tells it like it is. Fine. So you bought a little hat, masturbated to a picture of the nude first lady, and warned the Muslim in your building that Sharia law is no longer welcome in America. You’re just the worst. A true piece of shit, like back when America was great.

Then you read an article about how Trump has failed in every business he ever started, sometimes intentionally to launder Russian mafia money. And it turns out his immigration policy is just something called “racial intolerance.” Also, you find a study revealing that more than 80 percent of the things Trump says are wrong — sometimes from dishonesty, but often from weirdly comprehensive dumbness. Oh man, this Trump guy? I think you really blew it. I wrote an online quiz that might help you understand.

So what are you supposed to do now? Get a refund for your hat? Apologize to the Muslim in your building who turned out to be something called “a Sikh”? Why bother? There are no consequences for anything, and your garbage brain can easily convince itself the media was lying. Plus, history eventually proves all racists to be right about daughter-killing immigrants, which because of Sharia law is perfectly legal in your Muslim neighbor’s apartment. And with those simple mental gymnastics, boom, America is great again.

Neuroscientists call this type of nimble stupidity “cognitive dissonance,” but I’m not a neuroscientist. I’m a man who types things like “a shrieking Guy Fieri trying to justify an all-rib diet to his own hickory-smoked diarrhea.” That’s what the Determined Fool is: someone bursting with shit who would rather pitch you on a world of diarrhea fountains than deal with their own problems.

Man invented the scientific method 400 years ago, when Galileo thought to sometimes ask, “What if we’re wrong about this?” They teach it to third-graders. So try to remember this: Every single time you’re 100 percent convinced you’re right, you’re dumber than a 17th-century leech farmer or an eight-year-old C student. Even if you turn out to be right. You hopeless, self-brainwashing diarrhea fountain salesman.

Helping Understand Determined Fools With Stupid President Donald Trump

Not all Determined Fools have minds elastic enough for cognitive dissonance. In order to hang onto their harmful, evil, self-destructive, or otherwise dumbass beliefs, some have to resort to false equivalencies. Like when Trump was asked how he feels about Putin being a killer, and he said, “So what? Other people are killers too!” That’s how seductive false equivalencies can be to a simple mind. These fucks end up arguing FOR murder and FOR Nazis, and they think they’re making, like, a point?

Since basic human decency is now a political issue, some of you were already thinking “THE LEFT DOES IT TOO!” Sure, buddy. There are other things wrong in the world besides murder and Nazis. For example, your mother’s footjob game. And sure, for every ten Gamergaters threatening to kill a girl for abiding a black Human Torch, there is a Twitter warrior who chose to support feminism with an overly harsh meme. But sanctimonious heroism isn’t anything like being a Nazi. And nothing any Democrat will ever do is similar to bragging about grabbing pussies while you’re married to a model you bought from Slovenia. If you’re confused, always remember: When two things are described with different words and have different meanings, they aren’t the same. You don’t get to lie and murder and be Kenyan just because Obama does it too.

When your world is built on top of something as flaky as religion or politics, it’s exhausting. You have to defend nonsense all day because you don’t know which crack in your foundation will require you to rebuild your entire belief system. That’s a ton of work. I still convince myself electronic music is fun because it’s easier than developing rhythm. People still chase children with knives because it’s faster than explaining why they became a clown. But if your beliefs are so flimsy that they shatter as soon as you admit a mistake, let them shatter. You can rebuild a far superior personality and system of values with a single episode of Super Friends.

What if I told you that television shows were dangerous? It’s true. In the year 2000, four out of every five injuries occurred in a home that owned a VHS copy of Robocop III. Someone might say, “That’s compelling Robocorrelation, but that data alone does not suggest Robocausation.” Fine. But maybe your first instinct was to say, “Robocop III is a movie, not a TV show, you fucking dumbass.” If so, then congratulations, idiot, you’re a Technical Genius. You’re smart enough to spot a technicality, but too dumb to know everyone else did too and it was light years away from the point. You’re the kind of person who tells your doctor, “Um, it’s Chief Chirpa?” when he tells you that getting the Wicket doll out of your asshole will require surgery. “And, um,” you’ll add, “it’s an action figure? Maybe you should have gone to a non-stupid medical school.”

The nice thing about being a Technical Genius is that it feels like proof you’re smarter than everyone. They can say you don’t “get it” all day, but they’re the imbeciles who think Robocop III is a TV show. Look at it like this: You are the only one in the history of Koala Times Bus Tours to contract syphilis from a koala bite. You might be embarrassed, but at least you aren’t like those other fools screaming “Don’t touch the koala bears!” when they are in fact marsupials. I mean, if koalas were actual bears, your whole face would be missing, not still here and covered in pulsing chancres.

Technical Geniuses reach maximum annoying when they decide that pointing out technicalities is a sense of humor. For instance, if you announced, “My wife is pregnant and we’re having a boy,” a Technical Genius might quip, “Well, technically only women can have babies. Unless you count the Chief Chirpa action figure currently breaching my anus — um, which you should, since it is the dictionary definition. Heard of it? Hey, everyone! This idiot with no dictionary is watching me shit out a Chief Chirpa, and he doesn’t even know which gender gives birth!”

Technical Geniuses have such a rigid understanding of the rules of language that they miss the meaning behind words. They mistake sarcasm for a mistake that needs correcting. Their idea of wordplay is assuming you meant the wrong homonym, which makes them both a walking Family Circus cartoon and the person condescendingly explaining to the Family Circus characters how “cool” may sometimes refer to “tubular” instead of temperature. And god help you if you get into a written discussion with them, as the tiniest typo can turn even the most important debate into a fourth-grade grammar lesson. They’d rather tell you that “non whites” should have a hyphen rather than agree that killing them is wrong.

For the most part, the Technical Genius just derails conversations with unlikeability. But their fierce misunderstanding of unspoken rules can lead to problems way more serious. You know what happens when you can’t see past the immediate and literal meaning of words? Well, I’ll show you. It’s technically unfair how there’s no “White” History Month or “White” Entertainment Television, right? And fine, black lives matter, but isn’t it MORE loving and accepting to say that ALL lives matter? See? I’m only two sentences into my life as a Technical Genius, and I’ve already talked myself into racism. All it took was the limited observation skills of a bad ’90s standup routine with the deliberate cultural ignorance of a bad ’90s standup routine.

Remember when that panty-dropper at Google got fired for writing, word-for-word, how women aren’t good at robots because of their emotions and milk-squirting nipples? That guy was absolutely a Technical Genius. Men and women are different, sure, but if you’re either of those things, you already knew that. You also might know how, almost always, these differences aren’t worth mentioning and vary from person to person. Yes, a woman is a bad hire if you need someone to stand next to a wolf for 29 days without bleeding. But even as someone who’s not a wolf scientist, I can think of a few workarounds: wolf nose plugs, baking soda underpants, menopause, chaining the wolf out of vagina-biting range … are we sure we even need to fill this standing-near-a-wolf position? See, this is how a healthy mind operates — it solves problems, asks questions, and keeps ladies safe from crotch-biting predators because it’s the right thing to do. A Technical Genius makes a short-sighted, clumsy observation and acts like they put all reason in checkmate. You know who could explain this better than me? The outrageously bad con man the worst 20 percent of our population voted into the White House.

Helping Understand Technical Geniuses With Stupid President Donald Trump

This is a classic example of a Technical Genius. To this dumbshit, it seems like he’s turned the tables on the entire concept of racial oppression. He raises the same point made by most clueless fucks on their first day of imaginary struggle: “How come whites can’t do one of the things blacks do? Isn’t that the REAL persecution?” It’s worse than ignorant. It’s the kind of childlike question you might ask the Star Trek crew if you’re a checkerboarded alien who knows nothing of their world’s Ray Sizzum.

There are different rules, unspoken or not, for every caste, race, and gender. You have to play some pretty intense make-believe to say you don’t know that. And only the dimmest, pussiest of white people invent their own oppression, like not being allowed to say “Merry Christmas” or “the N-word.” I’m not either, but I bet white billionaires have different troubles than the characters on Black-ish, and it seems impossible that Donald Trump hasn’t had this explained to him by Omarosa’s hairdresser many times.

The things Technical Geniuses say are often so frustratingly wrong but also “not wrong” that they act as traps. Your every instinct is to add context to them, but don’t — you will only become them. Look again at our evil president’s “Black-ish” tweet. You might feel the urge to correct the five grammatical mistakes he made in its three sentences, but any decent person should feel compelled as fuck to explain just the most basic, introductory concepts of race to him. This grown man thinks that the unfairness of having a show called Black-ish when there’s not one called “Whiteish” is “racism at highest level.” That means you have to start your explanation with “Um, have you heard of a little thing called slavery?” And look what’s happened. You’re the one saying dumb, obvious shit now.

Sometimes a stupid person starts to figure out that their brain doesn’t work as well as everyone else’s. Maybe they looked around their home and realized they only owned books by Ann Coulter on how to identify different Asians by which part of the human they eat. Or maybe they watch The Big Bang Theory, which for eight seasons has just been Jim Parsons staring directly into a camera and repeating “You are an idiot ape. You are a mindless sack of tepid water.” It’s true, Big Bang Theory viewers, and I’m the only one with the courage to say it.

Discovering your own intellectual shortcomings is terrifying, especially for the insecure. So some of them create a new reality, one with rules carefully constructed to make them brilliant. The disorder starts simply enough. Your friend tells you that birthday meals are free at any restaurant if you tell them you’re a registered sex offender. Later, Yahoo Answers tells you that impersonating a sex offender is not technically a crime. Later still, in jail, you decide you hate being tricked. They become the Untrickable.

The Untrickable believes that not being fooled is the pickle of human intelligence, but we assume they mean pinnacle. For a person to avoid being fooled, they need deep, multi-dimensional knowledge. Luckily, there is a shortcut: Assume everything is trying to fool you. Assume every video you watch is fake, and use that single word to describe each of them in the comments section. You’ll find that not only do you suddenly feel smart, but you’re also significantly smarter than anyone who has ever believed in “God” or “science” or “Guy Fieri not being a toilet brush brought to life by a lonely plumber’s wish.”

There’s only one problem with this: When everything is fake, nothing is. You start solving mundane mysteries with “ghosts.” Lizard men infiltrating a Target becomes exactly as likely as non-lizards asking you to leave for trying to pull human masks off the customers. The flatness of the Earth becomes a frustrating reminder of how no one else is smart enough to see through the lies of Big Fact. Luckily, our president is 100 percent immune to the lies of Big Fact.

Helping Understand The Untrickables With Extremely Never-Tricked President Donald Trump

Trump has the unique mix of confidence, paranoia, and ignorance that creates a perfectly untrickable person. He thinks global warming, a savagely obvious thing only one political party in one of the world’s countries isn’t aware of, is a scheme to undermine America’s industry. He thinks the same thing about the Paris Climate Accords and regulations against dumping coal sludge into drinking water. It would take two minutes to teach a six-year-old Honduran immigrant the English necessary to teach Donald Trump why he’s wrong about any of these things. Which would, at best, lead to a tweet claiming that Mexican children are a scheme to destroy America’s industry.

Special thanks to Aaron Clode for the custom illustrations.

Seanbaby invented being funny on the internet. You can follow him on Twitter, or play his hit mobile game Calculords.

Not sure if you’re stupid? Smack yourself in the head with these giant mallets until you know for certain.

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The 5 Stupidest People On The Planet (Are All Donald Trump)

How many times are you allowed to say or do something stupid before you realize you yourself are stupid? Seven times? 24? Butts? Rush Limbaugh has been wrong about 270 things a day for 40 years, and he would be truly shocked to learn he’s stupid. We aren’t good at spotting our own intellectual limitations. We walk around thinking we’re brilliant, no matter how many times we get our head stuck in an alligator or our genitals stuck in an alligator. I can prove it: I think I’m smart enough to write an article on intelligence, and the only book I’ve read is the movie Bloodsport. I also recently typed the number butts. Twice. Hold on, butts times now.

The cluelessly stupid are a diverse and colorful community, but most of them fall into one of five distinct categories. I’ll include a famous example of each one, which may end up getting confusing, since our dumbfuck president is somehow the example for all five. So here is a list of dumb idiots, which is maybe the best idea I’ve had for an article since 8 Album Covers White People Could Never Pull Off or Your 3rd Grade Textbook, Only Written By Gary Busey. Here’s the book cover for when it inevitably gets adapted into national bestseller:

One last thing before we start. I imagine that some of you have already taken the idea of this article personally, and you’re keenly watching for any logical flaw, strawman fallacy, or typo which will allow you to dismiss me as a totally wrong hypocrite. If so, I have some bad news: You’re much dumber than you think, and this article is about you. And since you’re already in the comments section, the rest of this sentence is for everyone else: See if you can guess which entry that guy was!

We live in a world infested with experts — body language experts who speculate on handshake meanings, social media experts who tweet about Twitter to Twitterbots, romance experts who tell you how to fuck on a pizza*. There are no rules to declaring yourself an expert. And when you’re self-important enough to think universally shared experiences are yours alone, you become a Keeper of the Common Knowledge.

*Cheese-up, while generously fingering your lover’s pepperoni chakra. You’re welcome, couples.

A Keeper of the Common Knowledge can become a leading mind on a subject after a Wikipedia paragraph or a few hazy childhood memories. Here’s how it works: Every day, about 4,500 American tourists check into Paris hotels. After a few days of standard vacation packaging, they come home, and their barely noteworthy trip is only brought up every time France is mentioned for the rest of their lives. But for a Keeper of the Common Knowledge, those three days offered an insight into a culture so complete that they know the mysterious French people better than they know themselves.

A Keeper of Common Knowledge offers their wisdom when you need it least. They are bursting with things no person could possibly not know, and it spills out at the slightest relevance. They might insert themselves into a discussion about pro wrestling only to explain it’s fake. If you make eye contact with them at a buffet, they give conspiratorial advice, like how to pile the most expensive foods into little shrines honoring your victory over the restaurant. They interrupt movies to share arcane knowledge like how guns are quite noisy or hanging from a cliff makes your arms tired. They’re the kind of person who tells you not to use shampoo as a lubricant, as if they’re the inventor of making love to a bowling ball. Let me spend Valentine’s Day however I want, genius.

Helping Understand Keepers Of The Common Knowledge With Stupid President Donald Trump

Remember when Trump was always saying he was the best at military? That wasn’t a crafty lie to get the tank loader vote; he really thinks that. But why? How? He dodged military service with a note from his gynecologist, and the only book on war he’s read is a Hitler cat recipe book. Well, I’ve done my best to piece together how he came to think of himself as the greatest military mind of our time. It’s pretty amazing how many personality and mental disorders had to come together to make it happen. Keep in mind that I’m not a licensed doctor and can’t diagnose him. However, I do know that popular disabled impersonator Donald Trump has so much evil inside him that his proctologist’s ungloved fingers now add an anus to any flesh they touch. When Trump got an MRI, the computer just showed an image of his daughter squatting over Jesus Christ and peeing into his missing eyes. With that in mind, let’s examine the 4D chessboard the commander in chief calls his “very good brain.”

During the debates, Donald complained that George Patton was spinning in his grave because we announced we were going into Mosul. “Why not go in quiet?” he asked many times. It was most likely rhetorical, but also so ignorant that one moderator accidentally answered it for him. Also, Patton famously led an insane decoy army to distract the Nazis. Saying he’s spinning in his grave over someone being bold is like saying, “I didn’t even read the Netflix description of the movie about the guy I’m invoking” and then adding, “It is truly impossible to miss how terrible I am. I am a walking DO NOT IRON WHILE WEARING SHIRT label. People see me and wonder what helplessly uninformed assholes created a need for me.”

Trump kept referring to a secret military plan to defeat ISIS which he would only reveal after he was made president. This lie was almost cute, like when your boyfriend pretends he knew it was your birthday, or when Mike Huckabee’s son says, “The dog was ritually murdered this way when I found it!” But I don’t think Trump was lying! He really thought he had solved ISIS when his very good brain invented the “sneak attack.” Paradoxically, he knew it was brilliant, but also so obvious that the generals were stupid for not thinking of it. I know a lot of absurdity is getting thrown around in this article, but he actually said that, and Mike Huckabee’s son actually murdered a dog. And Trump’s proctologist absolutely adds buttholes to all flesh he touches. It happens so often that he’s stopped apologizing for it.

From what I can tell, the rest of Trump’s military tactics are made up entirely of war crimes. One morning, convicted fraudster Donald Trump called in to a talk show to suggest we kill the families of terrorists. In one of his first executive briefings, he asked three times why we can’t use nuclear weapons if we have them. That’s his understanding of modern warfare — he thinks all the bad people travel in one bombable group, moving to a new town every time the guileless United States military announces it’s coming. Which means their only weakness is the first president with enough balls to instantly and without warning murder their children. It’s weird, because most clinical sociopaths know that in order to blend in, they’re at least supposed to pretend human life has value.

Trump sounds like a guy who had atomic bombs explained to him by an ill-advised puppet show, but he assured us that “There’s nobody that understands the horrors of nuclear better than me.” How deep does our president’s record-breaking understanding of the horror of nuclear go? Well, in the most aggressively uninformed statement ever made by a dumbest man in the room, he told reporters, “You know what uranium is, right? It’s this thing called nuclear weapons. And other things. Like, lots of things are done with uranium. Including some bad things.”

Those words came out of his mouth. After bragging about being the leading nuclear mind on the planet! No, you don’t get it. You, me, all of us, we now live in a world where anything can happen. Our president, the PRESIDENT, knows three war things — sneak attacks are surprise, nuclear is some bad things, nothing fucking else — and with all his heart, he believes he is a military genius. And we, the people who all knew at least those same things, believed him! We put him in charge of the military! You can absolutely fuck off if that doesn’t prove magic is real.

There’s a soothing belief among the unskilled and dumb that every issue is simple and knowledge is a pointless endeavor. A Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise thinks they have a refreshing outsider’s take on every issue. They say things like “Hollywood should only make daring, original films” or “The cure for the obesity epidemic is fucking eating less” or “Have depressed people tried not being sad?” Everything is so easy to solve if you stop ignoring the obvious answer!

There is a lot of appeal in thinking any of the world’s problems can be fixed with your no-nonsense telling it like it is. In fact, our movies and TV shows cater to it. They manufacture situations in which the obvious solution is ignored until the doofus character suggests an extremely common-sense idea. The others say something like “My- my God, it’s so simple it’s brilliant!” If you’re dumb enough, it feels like they’re talking to you! Let me give you an example.

Remember in Top Gun, when Maverick is being chased by an enemy jet through the danger zone? He’s going to die if he can’t get behind them, but how? Easy: He’s going to slam on the brakes, and they will fly right by. No one in the movie can believe it. That shit isn’t in the Pilot Rulebook, Maverick! But rules and pilots will never replace raw street smarts like the kind you and Maverick have. Personally, I’m so street smart that I don’t even wonder how the jet already had brakes if Maverick was the first guy to invent the idea of slowing down a jet with jet brakes. I’m so street smart that I would have thrown a bowling ball out the window and said “She broke my heart too, pal!” as it smashed into the enemy pilot’s chest, making a perfect comedic callback to earlier, when I was having sex with that bowling ball.

Here’s an example from a movie that isn’t 31 years old:

Have you ever noticed how in sports movies, there’s always a wildcard character who ends up being the best at the sport because they’ve never heard of it? They hit the golf ball or kick the football furthest because they haven’t cluttered their brain with pointless “knowledge.” Or maybe they’re unstoppable at basketball because they’re a caveman, or a dog. If you’re fetally alcoholed enough, these movies send a truly comforting message: Your lack of knowledge is specifically what will make you great at things. And think of how many things you don’t know how to do. But not too hard; you don’t want to accidentally understand anything so well that you become bad at it, like George Lucas did with Star Wars or Gamergate did with women.

Helping Understand Pure Intellects Untainted By Expertise With Stupid President Donald Trump

Knowing nothing about how to do something but also being the only one who can do it is Donald Trump’s defining philosophy. He went into his campaign telling everyone how he knew nothing about politics, and that’s virtually the only thing he didn’t lie about. But of all his shortcomings, nothing demonstrates a Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise as much as his stupid fucking Mexico WALL.

To think a wall is the solution to drugs, illegal immigration, or human trafficking requires a spectacular lack of knowledge. You have to carefully not read the first sentence of the first Google result on any of the issues. Most undocumented immigrants arrive legally and overstay their visas. Nothing has stopped drugs ever. I don’t have all the stats on human trafficking, but every Staples I called said that they haven’t printed an unusually high number of SEX SLAVE LIQUIDATION SALE signs since Trump announced he wanted a fence.

I’m already attacking the problem with facts, and our president wouldn’t know a fact if it unraveled his combover and rappelled down Trump Tower. A human should know a wall wouldn’t work simply by remembering what they know about walls. And since we live in an amazing time when anything can happen, we’ve actually witnessed Donald Trump accidentally think too hard about his wall and figure out that it wouldn’t work.

In November of last year, Trump was explaining walls to a crowd. He reassured them that no one could scale his wall by saying, “There’s no ladder going over there.” He then took a long, silent thought … maybe to consider whether Mexicans have ladder technology? He caveated, “If they ever get up there, they’re in trouble, ’cause there’s no way to get down.” Still deep in thought, he added, “… maybe a rope.” And with that, he debunked his own fence, almost a year ago, by inadvertently thinking about it for just the smallest amount of time.

Since then, it seems like any time Trump talks about the subject for too long, he’ll remember another way to defeat a wall and have to add a feature. He once remembered that you can dig under walls, so he added special vibration-sensing anti-tunnel technology. He once misunderstood what someone meant by the word “transparent,” and insisted that yeah, it was important to make the wall transparent so you can see the giant bags of drugs falling over it. And when he remembered that hammers can smash through walls, he suggested we fill it with, no bullshit, nuclear waste. There was also some talk of solar panels and a railroad. So now this thing senses vibrations (except for its own railroad), is climb-proof, is immune to everything but rope, and they’re going to fill it with nuclear waste, which you can see because the wall is transparent. Also it’s made of solar panels. So maybe this is an example of how knowing nothing about a thing sometimes can make you the best at it. Because Trump knows less about walls than a free-range chicken’s limitless dreams, and he somehow designed the sweetest goddamn wall in the world.

The Determined Fool decided many years ago that they were extremely correct about something. Maybe they picked a political party, or a video game console, or the concept of snakes as pets. Whatever it was, they went about building their identity around the simple, unquestionable truth of that thing’s supremacy. Since absolute certainty is a trait shared only by the very stupid, it turns out they were wrong. About everything. The alien-worshiping religion or the perpetually sued president they chose did not in fact end man’s quest for universal truth. So now their life is devoted to developing the insanities necessary to keep their minds from noticing their mistake.

The human brain is an amazing organ. It can keep the Determined Fool ignorant even in the face of overwhelming education. In fact, proving to a Determined Fool how they are wrong usually only makes them more wrong. But who am I to say what’s real? Our perception is just the interface we use to interpret a Universe of unknown wonders. I think it was Guy Fieri who once honked the horn on his top-down Chevelle and screamed, “Truth is a fleeting concept, like a slippery dildo in a dildo sweepstakes booth, weeknights at 8 on the Food Network!”

I found this image in a folder called DRUNK PHOTOSHOP and thought “I’ll never find a place for whatever this is, drunk me.” In your face, sober me.

No one has a handle on truth, but 2,300 years ago, Aristotle said that the best truth is usually the one balanced between two extremes. So how are the most extreme people always the most sure they’re right? It’s been a dumb thing to think since they literally fucking invented how to think. Completely unaware of this, the Determined Fool starts political wars from indefensible positions like “trickle-down economics” or “Let’s hear these Nazis out.” Luckily, they have an arsenal of behavioral problems and logical fallacies to help them move out of any checkmate. For instance, maybe you decided you support Trump because he’s a great businessman who tells it like it is. Fine. So you bought a little hat, masturbated to a picture of the nude first lady, and warned the Muslim in your building that Sharia law is no longer welcome in America. You’re just the worst. A true piece of shit, like back when America was great.

Then you read an article about how Trump has failed in every business he ever started, sometimes intentionally to launder Russian mafia money. And it turns out his immigration policy is just something called “racial intolerance.” Also, you find a study revealing that more than 80 percent of the things Trump says are wrong — sometimes from dishonesty, but often from weirdly comprehensive dumbness. Oh man, this Trump guy? I think you really blew it. I wrote an online quiz that might help you understand.

So what are you supposed to do now? Get a refund for your hat? Apologize to the Muslim in your building who turned out to be something called “a Sikh”? Why bother? There are no consequences for anything, and your garbage brain can easily convince itself the media was lying. Plus, history eventually proves all racists to be right about daughter-killing immigrants, which because of Sharia law is perfectly legal in your Muslim neighbor’s apartment. And with those simple mental gymnastics, boom, America is great again.

Neuroscientists call this type of nimble stupidity “cognitive dissonance,” but I’m not a neuroscientist. I’m a man who types things like “a shrieking Guy Fieri trying to justify an all-rib diet to his own hickory-smoked diarrhea.” That’s what the Determined Fool is: someone bursting with shit who would rather pitch you on a world of diarrhea fountains than deal with their own problems.

Man invented the scientific method 400 years ago, when Galileo thought to sometimes ask, “What if we’re wrong about this?” They teach it to third-graders. So try to remember this: Every single time you’re 100 percent convinced you’re right, you’re dumber than a 17th-century leech farmer or an eight-year-old C student. Even if you turn out to be right. You hopeless, self-brainwashing diarrhea fountain salesman.

Helping Understand Determined Fools With Stupid President Donald Trump

Not all Determined Fools have minds elastic enough for cognitive dissonance. In order to hang onto their harmful, evil, self-destructive, or otherwise dumbass beliefs, some have to resort to false equivalencies. Like when Trump was asked how he feels about Putin being a killer, and he said, “So what? Other people are killers too!” That’s how seductive false equivalencies can be to a simple mind. These fucks end up arguing FOR murder and FOR Nazis, and they think they’re making, like, a point?

Since basic human decency is now a political issue, some of you were already thinking “THE LEFT DOES IT TOO!” Sure, buddy. There are other things wrong in the world besides murder and Nazis. For example, your mother’s footjob game. And sure, for every ten Gamergaters threatening to kill a girl for abiding a black Human Torch, there is a Twitter warrior who chose to support feminism with an overly harsh meme. But sanctimonious heroism isn’t anything like being a Nazi. And nothing any Democrat will ever do is similar to bragging about grabbing pussies while you’re married to a model you bought from Slovenia. If you’re confused, always remember: When two things are described with different words and have different meanings, they aren’t the same. You don’t get to lie and murder and be Kenyan just because Obama does it too.

When your world is built on top of something as flaky as religion or politics, it’s exhausting. You have to defend nonsense all day because you don’t know which crack in your foundation will require you to rebuild your entire belief system. That’s a ton of work. I still convince myself electronic music is fun because it’s easier than developing rhythm. People still chase children with knives because it’s faster than explaining why they became a clown. But if your beliefs are so flimsy that they shatter as soon as you admit a mistake, let them shatter. You can rebuild a far superior personality and system of values with a single episode of Super Friends.

What if I told you that television shows were dangerous? It’s true. In the year 2000, four out of every five injuries occurred in a home that owned a VHS copy of Robocop III. Someone might say, “That’s compelling Robocorrelation, but that data alone does not suggest Robocausation.” Fine. But maybe your first instinct was to say, “Robocop III is a movie, not a TV show, you fucking dumbass.” If so, then congratulations, idiot, you’re a Technical Genius. You’re smart enough to spot a technicality, but too dumb to know everyone else did too and it was light years away from the point. You’re the kind of person who tells your doctor, “Um, it’s Chief Chirpa?” when he tells you that getting the Wicket doll out of your asshole will require surgery. “And, um,” you’ll add, “it’s an action figure? Maybe you should have gone to a non-stupid medical school.”

The nice thing about being a Technical Genius is that it feels like proof you’re smarter than everyone. They can say you don’t “get it” all day, but they’re the imbeciles who think Robocop III is a TV show. Look at it like this: You are the only one in the history of Koala Times Bus Tours to contract syphilis from a koala bite. You might be embarrassed, but at least you aren’t like those other fools screaming “Don’t touch the koala bears!” when they are in fact marsupials. I mean, if koalas were actual bears, your whole face would be missing, not still here and covered in pulsing chancres.

Technical Geniuses reach maximum annoying when they decide that pointing out technicalities is a sense of humor. For instance, if you announced, “My wife is pregnant and we’re having a boy,” a Technical Genius might quip, “Well, technically only women can have babies. Unless you count the Chief Chirpa action figure currently breaching my anus — um, which you should, since it is the dictionary definition. Heard of it? Hey, everyone! This idiot with no dictionary is watching me shit out a Chief Chirpa, and he doesn’t even know which gender gives birth!”

Technical Geniuses have such a rigid understanding of the rules of language that they miss the meaning behind words. They mistake sarcasm for a mistake that needs correcting. Their idea of wordplay is assuming you meant the wrong homonym, which makes them both a walking Family Circus cartoon and the person condescendingly explaining to the Family Circus characters how “cool” may sometimes refer to “tubular” instead of temperature. And god help you if you get into a written discussion with them, as the tiniest typo can turn even the most important debate into a fourth-grade grammar lesson. They’d rather tell you that “non whites” should have a hyphen rather than agree that killing them is wrong.

For the most part, the Technical Genius just derails conversations with unlikeability. But their fierce misunderstanding of unspoken rules can lead to problems way more serious. You know what happens when you can’t see past the immediate and literal meaning of words? Well, I’ll show you. It’s technically unfair how there’s no “White” History Month or “White” Entertainment Television, right? And fine, black lives matter, but isn’t it MORE loving and accepting to say that ALL lives matter? See? I’m only two sentences into my life as a Technical Genius, and I’ve already talked myself into racism. All it took was the limited observation skills of a bad ’90s standup routine with the deliberate cultural ignorance of a bad ’90s standup routine.

Remember when that panty-dropper at Google got fired for writing, word-for-word, how women aren’t good at robots because of their emotions and milk-squirting nipples? That guy was absolutely a Technical Genius. Men and women are different, sure, but if you’re either of those things, you already knew that. You also might know how, almost always, these differences aren’t worth mentioning and vary from person to person. Yes, a woman is a bad hire if you need someone to stand next to a wolf for 29 days without bleeding. But even as someone who’s not a wolf scientist, I can think of a few workarounds: wolf nose plugs, baking soda underpants, menopause, chaining the wolf out of vagina-biting range … are we sure we even need to fill this standing-near-a-wolf position? See, this is how a healthy mind operates — it solves problems, asks questions, and keeps ladies safe from crotch-biting predators because it’s the right thing to do. A Technical Genius makes a short-sighted, clumsy observation and acts like they put all reason in checkmate. You know who could explain this better than me? The outrageously bad con man the worst 20 percent of our population voted into the White House.

Helping Understand Technical Geniuses With Stupid President Donald Trump

This is a classic example of a Technical Genius. To this dumbshit, it seems like he’s turned the tables on the entire concept of racial oppression. He raises the same point made by most clueless fucks on their first day of imaginary struggle: “How come whites can’t do one of the things blacks do? Isn’t that the REAL persecution?” It’s worse than ignorant. It’s the kind of childlike question you might ask the Star Trek crew if you’re a checkerboarded alien who knows nothing of their world’s Ray Sizzum.

There are different rules, unspoken or not, for every caste, race, and gender. You have to play some pretty intense make-believe to say you don’t know that. And only the dimmest, pussiest of white people invent their own oppression, like not being allowed to say “Merry Christmas” or “the N-word.” I’m not either, but I bet white billionaires have different troubles than the characters on Black-ish, and it seems impossible that Donald Trump hasn’t had this explained to him by Omarosa’s hairdresser many times.

The things Technical Geniuses say are often so frustratingly wrong but also “not wrong” that they act as traps. Your every instinct is to add context to them, but don’t — you will only become them. Look again at our evil president’s “Black-ish” tweet. You might feel the urge to correct the five grammatical mistakes he made in its three sentences, but any decent person should feel compelled as fuck to explain just the most basic, introductory concepts of race to him. This grown man thinks that the unfairness of having a show called Black-ish when there’s not one called “Whiteish” is “racism at highest level.” That means you have to start your explanation with “Um, have you heard of a little thing called slavery?” And look what’s happened. You’re the one saying dumb, obvious shit now.

Sometimes a stupid person starts to figure out that their brain doesn’t work as well as everyone else’s. Maybe they looked around their home and realized they only owned books by Ann Coulter on how to identify different Asians by which part of the human they eat. Or maybe they watch The Big Bang Theory, which for eight seasons has just been Jim Parsons staring directly into a camera and repeating “You are an idiot ape. You are a mindless sack of tepid water.” It’s true, Big Bang Theory viewers, and I’m the only one with the courage to say it.

Discovering your own intellectual shortcomings is terrifying, especially for the insecure. So some of them create a new reality, one with rules carefully constructed to make them brilliant. The disorder starts simply enough. Your friend tells you that birthday meals are free at any restaurant if you tell them you’re a registered sex offender. Later, Yahoo Answers tells you that impersonating a sex offender is not technically a crime. Later still, in jail, you decide you hate being tricked. They become the Untrickable.

The Untrickable believes that not being fooled is the pickle of human intelligence, but we assume they mean pinnacle. For a person to avoid being fooled, they need deep, multi-dimensional knowledge. Luckily, there is a shortcut: Assume everything is trying to fool you. Assume every video you watch is fake, and use that single word to describe each of them in the comments section. You’ll find that not only do you suddenly feel smart, but you’re also significantly smarter than anyone who has ever believed in “God” or “science” or “Guy Fieri not being a toilet brush brought to life by a lonely plumber’s wish.”

There’s only one problem with this: When everything is fake, nothing is. You start solving mundane mysteries with “ghosts.” Lizard men infiltrating a Target becomes exactly as likely as non-lizards asking you to leave for trying to pull human masks off the customers. The flatness of the Earth becomes a frustrating reminder of how no one else is smart enough to see through the lies of Big Fact. Luckily, our president is 100 percent immune to the lies of Big Fact.

Helping Understand The Untrickables With Extremely Never-Tricked President Donald Trump

Trump has the unique mix of confidence, paranoia, and ignorance that creates a perfectly untrickable person. He thinks global warming, a savagely obvious thing only one political party in one of the world’s countries isn’t aware of, is a scheme to undermine America’s industry. He thinks the same thing about the Paris Climate Accords and regulations against dumping coal sludge into drinking water. It would take two minutes to teach a six-year-old Honduran immigrant the English necessary to teach Donald Trump why he’s wrong about any of these things. Which would, at best, lead to a tweet claiming that Mexican children are a scheme to destroy America’s industry.

Special thanks to Aaron Clode for the custom illustrations.

Seanbaby invented being funny on the internet. You can follow him on Twitter, or play his hit mobile game Calculords.

Not sure if you’re stupid? Smack yourself in the head with these giant mallets until you know for certain.

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