#and right after I ****** him with a ******* like he really said queer rights huh

[waskurttrans]

Kurt Cobain Will Have His Revenge on the Straights

Had a video call with my brother Chuck the other day.  Things got heavy:

KATE: Was Kurt Cobain a trans woman?

CHUCK: What?

Kurt Cobain.  Rock musician.  He was in a band called Nirvana.

I’m familiar with him, yes.

Was he a trans woman?

Um.  No?

OK.  Why not?

I mean, he wasn’t.  It’s like asking why he wasn’t an astronaut.

He wasn’t an astronaut because he never went to space.  Why wasn’t he a trans woman?

Because he didn’t transition.  I mean, he didn’t ever say he was a woman, didn’t ever say he was trans.  So no.  Kurt Cobain wasn’t a trans woman.

So someone is trans if they say they’re trans.  Self-determination.

That’s what you’ve told me.  Is that wrong?

No, that’s right.  We know ourselves better than anybody else can know us.  If we say we’re trans, nobody can say we aren’t.

And Kurt Cobain never said he was trans.

So was I trans in 1994?

I don’t know, were you?

Yes, but if you’d asked me in 1994, I would have told you “no”.

So if I tell you I’m trans, I’m trans…

Right.

But if I tell you I’m cis, I might still be trans?

If you tell me you’re cis, I believe you.

That’s not the same thing as “I’m cis”.

That’s a really good point.  This is sort of what some queer people are getting at when they say “gender is a construct”.

Come again?

Well, you’re cisgender, right?

As far as I know, yes.

Aha.

Hmmm?

You hedged.  “As far as I know” isn’t the same thing as “yes”.  “As far as I know” opens up the possibility that you could be trans and not know it.

It doesn’t seem terribly likely.

That’s an interesting statement.  Early on in transition one of the biggest problems I had was dealing with the sheer unlikelihood of my being trans.  I mean, I knew trans people existed.  I knew somebody had to be trans.  I just couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that it would be me.

Do you think this is why you’re on this whole “Kurt Cobain was a trans woman” kick?

Hey now, I’m just asking questions.  You know.  Like J.K. Rowling is “just asking questions”.

Kate, you are literally wearing a T-shirt that says “KURT COBAIN WAS A TRANS WOMAN” on it right now.

Am I?  Oh, shit.  I thought I was wearing my “Skip school, take hormones, kill God” T-shirt.  To your question, though - yeah, I do think that’s part of it.  Honestly, the hardest thing about growing up trans was believing that nobody in the world had ever experienced what I was experiencing.  I didn’t have any role models.  I didn’t wonder if I was the only one.  I was convinced of it.

So being able to say that this incredibly gifted songwriter, the voice of a generation, was a trans woman like you…

I need someone like that.  I need to not be the first of my kind.

Of course you’re not the first trans woman.

No, but before a couple of years ago almost every trans woman would tell you they always knew, unquestionably and innately, that they were women.

So it’s not just about him being trans, but specifically his being a trans woman who didn’t know he was a trans woman.

An egg.  Right.

Why Kurt Cobain, anyway?  What’s so special about him that you’re trying to induct him into the Egg Hall of Fame?

He knew things.  Things cis guys don’t know.  Things I didn’t know until after I started transition.  He understood women, what we’re like, what we experience.  “Pennyroyal Tea”.  “Rape Me”.  I just have a hard time thinking of a cis man who could write songs like that.

It wouldn’t be the only way in which he was exceptional.

True.  Ahhh.  I don’t know.  I mean, I know, I can give you all the reasons, but there’s something in his eyes.

Something in his eyes.

All the pictures of him.  No matter what he’s doing.  If he’s grinning, or sad, whatever he’s doing, you can see something trapped there.  Trapped and in pain, wanting to get out but not quite knowing how.

Huh.  You, uh, know that what you’re doing is pretty much the textbook definition of projection, right?

Maybe.  Chuck, do you think I’m happier?

Since you transitioned?

Yeah.

Of course.  Absolutely.  Night and day.

Everyone says that, and honestly, I see it.  Even in pictures, you know?  I see it.  You’ve seen some of my transition timelines, right?

You do look really different.

It’s not just me.  Every single person who transitions looks like that.  We look so much happier, so much more alive, so much more us.  I don’t understand how anybody can hate us.

I don’t get it either, Kate.

And when I look at any timelines, I look at the before photos… and I see something in their eyes.  Transmasc, transfem, doesn’t matter.  There’s something trapped wanting to get out.  Every picture I’ve ever seen of Kurt Cobain looks like the “before” picture on a transition timeline.  It’s just that with him, there aren’t any after pictures.

And it’s not just the eyes, either.  The way he dressed, the whole “grunge look”.  It’s just literally egg fashion.  We dress with total disregard for our appearance or how we look because no matter what we do it’s wrong.

“Egg fashion”, egg this, egg that… isn’t it a little bit anachronistic, judging him by 2022 standards, 2022 values?

Is it?  Chuck, I was alive in 1994.  I was an 18 year old egg.  I know what that feels like.  I know what that looks like.  I lived that.  Why didn’t I come out as trans in 1994?  Because I didn’t have the opportunity.  Because self-determination needs to be informed, and none of us were.  None of us.  Look.  You know what he said to Melody Maker in 1991?  “I knew I was different. I thought that I might be gay or something because I couldn't identify with any of the guys at all.”  That’s what he said.

Holy shit.  Really?

Really.  September 14, 1991.

Hold on, let me look that up.  Oh, yeah, I see it.  Look, if you look at the full quote he’s just saying he’s not a jock.  Like he didn’t fit in with the jocks. 

Well, what about the dresses?

What dresses?

Kurt Cobain wore a lot of dresses.  Like, a lot, both onstage and off.  On MTV in 1991, he said “It’s ‘Headbanger’s Ball’ so I thought I’d wear a gown.”  He said in a 1993 interview, “I personally like to wear dresses.  I wear them around the house sometimes.”  This is not some shameful secret he kept hidden from the world.  He was open about this.  He was proud about this.

Yeah, but… it’s just clothes.

Except it’s not just clothes.  Listen to his songs.  Listen to his lyrics.  “Should have been a son”.  “I’m a lady, can you save me?”  “Everyone is gay.”  The original lyrics to “All Apologies” from his journals – “Boys write songs for girls.  Let me grow some breasts.”

I mean they’re song lyrics.  There are all kinds of ways to interpret song lyrics.

Sure.  All kinds of ways.  You ever read Michael Azerrad’s biography of Cobain, Come As You Are?

Nope.

Azerrad spent weeks talking to Cobain.  He was Cobain’s biographer, but also his friend.  And he has his own interpretation of the lyrics.  For instance, Azerrad talks about all the lyrics about guns, and to me, now, I look at that, and I think of how he died, but Azerrad, when Kurt was alive, he looked at it another way.  He thought it’s about dicks.  “To paraphrase Dr. Freud,” he says, “sometimes a gun is just a gun.  But not this time.”  He talks about “Come As You Are”, where Kurt keeps singing “I swear I don’t have a gun.”  That’s not my interpretation.  That’s never been my interpretation.  That’s what this cis man says.  More than one cis man.  Kurt says Dave Grohl’s dad, he said the same thing.  Yeah.  There are all kinds of ways to interpret lyrics.

“By this time,” Azerrad wrote, “one begins to wonder how Kurt rationalizes being a man at all.  His first response is revealing.  ‘I don’t know,’ he says.  ‘Castration.’”  I don’t wonder how Kurt rationalizes being a man.  I rationalized “being a man” in all kinds of ways.  What strikes me is that he needed to rationalize being a man.  Had to come up with some kind of excuse.  It just strikes me kind of funny.

Kurt’s songs have meanings.   The lyrics to “In Bloom”, Kurt was pretty explicit about that.  The lyrics he wrote have meanings.  “Heart-Shaped Box”.  You know what that refers to?  When Courtney Love was flirting with Kurt, Michael Azerrad says in Come As You Are, “She gave Dave (Grohl) a package to give to Kurt – little sea shells and miniature teacups and a tiny doll, all packed into a small heart-shaped box.”  A tiny doll locked away inside a box shaped like a heart.  That was what I felt like before I came out.  A tiny phantom doll.  Kurt and Courtney first kissed after a show at the Cabaret Metro in Chicago.  Rumor was that they fucked against the bar, but they denied it.  What actually happened, Azerrad says, is that “Courtney had a bag of lingerie with her for some reason and Kurt ended up modeling the contents.”  And then they went to Kurt’s hotel room and they fucked.

You’re making it sound…

Maybe it was.  Because you look at that and you think that if it was like that, it was perverted and wrong, because that’s what you were told, that it’s a sick fetish thing, and I look at it and it isn’t.  To me, that’s normal.  That Kurt Cobain was sexually aroused while wearing Courtney Love’s lingerie, that’s normal.

Kate, he was a punk!  He hated jocks, and wearing a dress pissed off jocks, so he wore dresses.  He talked about wanting to wear a dress and piss on a redneck A&R man’s desk!  You think that was some kind of sex thing?

Sexuality is part of being a woman.  Part.  Rage – and Kurt Cobain had a lot of rage inside him – that’s another part.  Am I interpreting, am I looking at things from my perspective as a trans woman?  Yes, certainly, just like you’re interpreting, looking at it from your perspective as a cis man.  When cis people interpret things, their conclusion is never “they were trans”.  Never.

Ed Wood wasn’t a trans woman.  He was just a transvestite.  He was a man.

Pete Burns from Dead or Alive wasn’t a trans woman.  Sure, he got all sorts of feminizing surgeries, but he never said he was a woman.  Man.

Prince Nelson adopted a female persona, feminized his voice, and recorded a song about wanting to be a woman's girlfriend, but he was also a Christian and believed that being queer was wicked and sinful, and that's the identity of his we need to respect.  Man.

Richard Wright, who wrote the Phish song “Halley’s Comet”, spent most of the 1980s telling everyone he knew he was a transsexual lesbian named Nancy, but after being consistently treated like shit changed his mind about that, so none of that counts for anything.  Man.

Dave Carter was on HRT when he died, but he was just questioning.  He didn’t tell anybody for sure that he was a woman.  Man.

Quentin Crisp said just before he died that if he was younger, he absolutely would have transitioned, but wanting to transition isn’t the same as actually transitioning.  Man.

All men.  Always, always men, whatever they do, whatever they say.  I know how that works.  I was told all these same things about myself for decades, all these same reasons, and now, I don’t know, I guess people will make a personal exception for me, but for everybody else, the same old assumptions, the same old arguments, they still apply.  They’re still legitimate.

I thought we were talking about Kurt Cobain.

And the only way to do that is to talk about him in isolation.  There’s no larger context to consider, no bigger picture.  I can’t really know.  I can’t really judge.

I mean, everybody else does.  I guess I can’t tell you not to.  But all of this circumstantial evidence, all of the dresses and the lyrics that you I guess know the real meaning of – none of that makes him a girl.

Sure.  And nothing can make him a girl.  Because he’s dead.  Because he killed himself.

Oh, here we go.  After thirty years and countless speculation, you have at last uncovered the real reason Kurt Cobain killed himself – gender dysphoria.  Do you have a book deal yet?

Working on it.  And yes, people say a lot of stupid things about Cobain’s death, like it’s this big shock that this guy who hated himself and wanted to die killed himself.

Right.  He was pretty well-known for being a heroin addict, which isn’t exactly something that improves one’s quality of life.

Sure, but why did he start heroin?

I don’t know.  Why does anybody start heroin?

To help him cope with his eating disorder.

Wait, what?  Eating disorder?

You don’t know about that?  He had stomach problems, for a long, long time.  He could only eat certain kinds of food, certain kinds of food that wouldn’t make his stomach hurt.  Doctors looked but they could never find any organic cause for it.  Nobody took it seriously.  So he self-medicated with heroin.  “It was my choice,” he told Azerrad.  “I don’t regret it at all because it was such a relief from not having stomach pain every day.”  I know, though.  Lots of cis guys have eating disorders.  Doesn’t mean anything.

Kate there’s a lot of interpreting going on here.

Yeah, I guess there is.  Is that necessarily a bad thing, though?  Is that necessarily wrong?  Like.  You’ve seen The Matrix, right?

Only the first one.

Yeah, that’s fine.  So you know how important The Matrix is to a lot of trans women, right?

Yes, but I’m not really sure why.  Just seems like a retelling of Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave” with extra fight scenes.

It’s pretty trans, though, right?

Clearly.  It was directed by two trans women.

And trans women who watch it – eggs or otherwise – find their own lives and experiences reflected in it in ways that cis people, like you, don’t.

I guess, but the fact that it was actually made by two trans women carries a little more weight with me.

OK, but what if the Wachowskis had died in 2000?  In, like… a car crash or something?  Does that mean The Matrix isn’t a trans film?

Well, no, because it’s still a film made by two trans women.

A film made by two trans women that speaks to the trans experience, and that is recognized by living trans women as speaking specifically to the trans experience.  The only difference is that, in this scenario, nobody knows the Wachowski Sisters are trans women.  And we can’t prove it.  We can’t possibly prove it, and nobody is going to just believe us when we say it’s a trans movie, that the Wachowskis were trans women, because they didn’t say it, they didn’t say the special magic words.  Self-determination.  You know what self-determination meant to Kurt Cobain?  I remember seeing Courtney Love on television reading his note, I remember her interrupting to say that he was an asshole, that what he was saying was bullshit.  She didn’t respect his self-determination.

Um…

“Pennyroyal Tea”.  Cobain told Azerrad “It's a cleansing theme where I’m trying to get all my bad evil spirits out of me and drinking Pennyroyal tea would cleanse that away.”  Pennyroyal is an abortifacient – but, Azerrad notes, only in lethal doses. 

Hell, not just that song.  The whole album.  In Utero.  The collage on the back cover, the one Cobain described to Azerrad as “Sex and woman and In Utero and vaginas and birth and death".  The occult symbols surrounding it, taken from Barbara G. Walker’s The Woman's Dictionary of Symbols and Sacred Objects1.  There was something inside Kurt Cobain, something inside him waiting to be born, but he was told, over and over, that it was a monster, so he killed it, the only way he could.  By killing himself.

That could have been me.  That could so easily have been me.  I was told all the same things he was.  We all were.  When I was 27?  When I was 27, I was addicted to benzos, benzos they prescribed me because I was trying to bury, trying to kill this thing, this thing I had inside of me.  I was a zombie.  Walking dead.  When I quit, I quit cold turkey.  Nobody told me about the withdrawal syndrome.  Nobody told me it could have killed me.  And if it had, everybody would remember me, everybody would think of me, as a cis man.  Forever.  They would perpetuate the Lie.  That’s why I transitioned, why I chose to go through all the shit I went through.  The writer and musician Margaret Killjoy, in 2017 she talked about what she went through the day before she came out:

“All I could think was: ‘Oh god, I don’t want to die a boy.’”2

I felt the same way, came out for the same reason.  I figured no matter what I did, I was dead.  I didn’t do it live, but to at least have an honest death.  I genuinely believed transition would kill me.

It didn’t, though!  You’re alive and you’re beautiful and I’m so, so glad for that.  It didn’t kill you.

It could have.  Still could.  Transition has helped, has made it easier­ for me, but it’s not that way with everyone.  People have been kind to me, in ways that they aren’t kind to other trans women.  Others of us… aren’t so lucky.

Who are we respecting, exactly, by remaining silent about our shared experiences, our shared perspectives, things we see that you fucking don’t, that you can’t see?  Of course I can’t prove it.  I can’t prove that I’m trans.  You can’t prove that you’re cis.  Cis people, though, cis people never have to prove anything.  Their prejudices are the null hypothesis3.  If I was to go out there and say that Kurt Cobain was a cisgender man, would anybody say I was wrong?  Would anybody object or complain?  Even though my saying that is an anachronism, is meaningless.  The word, the concept, it literally didn’t exist when Cobain died.  Have you ever heard the word “agnotology”?

No?

It means making a false claim to ignorance.  Claiming that we don’t know something that we do.  That we can’t know something that we can.  We know things now, Chuck.  We know what the symptoms of gender dysphoria are.  We know what it does to people.  How eggs think.  How eggs act.  How eggs die.  But we pretend we don’t.  We still pretend.  We pretend suicide is an individual act, even when we know it’s not, that the reasons for it are wholly personal.  We pretend that when someone dies by suicide, their reasons for doing so die with them.  And they don’t, Chuck.  We’re still dying, still dying for the same reasons Kurt Cobain did.  It’s not just that we aren’t allowed to recognize ourselves.  We aren’t allowed to recognize each other.  Individual choice or social contagion.  Those are the options we’re given.  And neither of them are right.  Neither of them are who we are.

Kurt Cobain wrote, thought, talked, died like eggs do.  I don’t care if he never said the magic fucking words.  We know our own.  We recognize each other.  And if someone is alive?  If someone is alive I will go my whole life without ever breathing a word.  Because as long as we’re alive, we do choose, and that means we can choose ignorance.  What I think, what I want, for someone else, for us, it doesn’t matter.  I do that, I follow that code, for the benefit of one person – the egg themselves.  Once they die, all bets are off.  Omerta no longer applies.  Kayfabe no longer applies.

To be queer is to be erased, to experience erasure.  I still hear straight men arguing, as if they have any right to argue, as if they know, that Emily Dickinson was not a lesbian.  Emily Dickinson!  I’m supposed to listen to people who say this shit?  I’m supposed to take them seriously when they say well, actually, calling Dickinson a “lesbian” is historically anachronistic, we can’t apply the standards of the present to the past, and Jesus fuck have you read her letters?  She liked girls.  She really liked girls.  Kurt Cobain was a trans woman.  Kurt Cobain was every bit as much a trans woman as Emily Dickinson was a lesbian.  Refusing to say it isn’t “respect”.  It’s perpetuating the crime perpetrated against Cobain, against every other trans woman who ever killed herself because of the lies we were told about ourselves.  No more.  Kurt Cobain was a trans woman.  I can’t, as an individual, say that.  I don’t have the right.  No trans woman can say that, individually.  But collectively?  All of us together?  The things we see in each other, we see those things in him too.  Not all of them, and not all of us.  Absolutely not all of us.  But enough of us.  Enough that we have the right.  We have the right, and I will fucking say it, and if you don’t like that, you can go fuck yourself.

Kate, are you ok?

I’m fine.

Do you want a hug?

Fuck you, Chuck.

OK, well.  I’m, uh.  Gonna go to the other room.  You should, uh.  Drink some water.  Stay hydrated.  Love you, Kate.

Love you too, Chuck.  Sorry.

Shhh.  It’s OK, Kate.  It’s OK.

1 Diane Purkiss criticizes the occult nature of Walker’s encyclopedia in "Women's Rewriting of Myth", in Carolyne Larrington (ed), The Feminist Companion to Mythology, London, 1992, p. 444: “In Donna Haraway's influential terms, these women may wish to be goddesses, but they are cyborgs all the same”. The work she’s referencing is Haraway’s “A Cyborg Manifesto”.  Haraway was, it happens, an academic advisor to the trans woman Sandy Stone, and her “Cyborg Manifesto” was a pivotal influence on Stone’s “The Empire Strikes Back: A Post-Transsexual Manifesto”, one of the foundational works of transgender theory.

2 Margaret Killjoy, https://birdsbeforethestorm.net/2017/06/im-not-even-going-to-try-to-pass/

3 Natalie Reed, https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/

[stevebabey]

Eddie has a test.

It took some time to formulate, a few too many times with guys careless with his heart, who leave behind more heartache than happiness littered in their memory. It’s fucking hard to tell.

More than once, there’s been a dude who promises between kisses i’m not going anywhere and takes more than his fill during a night which Eddie desperately hopes is passion and not some misguided lust. Only to wake a familiar empty side of the bed, them gone — skipping town, back in the arms of their parent-approved girlfriend, or back to spitting his name out with the word freak.

It’s what the test is for.

It’s specific, purposeful, all intending to weed out the straight boys who liked to dip their toes in the pool of queerness and leave Eddie to any consequences of the heart. Eddie doesn’t want to turn cruel, to be too jaded after feeling used too many times. It’s what the test is for. Protect the heart, see what interest is genuine.

Right now, he’s putting the test on Jared. New in town and in Eddie’s life, he’d captured the metalhead’s gaze from the glint of his pierced ear and light eyes that lingered. Kissed a little mean, and with too much teeth, but Eddie chalked it up to excitement. Jared seemed good. Nodded and smiled when Eddie found himself wrapped up in yet another DnD spiel. Said he found it endearing.

The test is simple.

A bid, a nudge, for attention. Never anything big or too exciting— that always got him specifically warped smirks designed to lead him along. Just something minuscule, like will you come take a look at my notes? or can i play you that riff once more? to see if it gave.

The pattern runs deep in Eddie’s dating history; same ol’ jerks who couldn’t bother to come and look at his new DnD sketches are always the ones who are only leasing a new sexuality for a month. It’s like setting a minefield and seeing who stumbles on a landmine, the bids getting ignored is as early as a warning sign he’ll ever get.

He tries the test on Jared.

It’s a Thursday night and Jared’s round at the trailer, lounging on Eddie’s sheets and still a little flushed from the night’s earlier activities. Usually it’s a good sign when the guys stick around after sex, not flying out the door once they’ve got what they want. By now, Eddie has drifted away from his bed, skittish thoughts already off and away with new campaign ideas.

He’s scrawling in a character design, some new boss, half troll, half hellhound, that requires a lot of finicky details worked out. The page is covered in scribbles, nothing in any semblance of lines and a crude first sketch is in the middle. It’s not quite the vision he had in mind but it took him an hour, so he’s hardly going to erase it. Besides, it looks pretty fucking metal to him.

“Hey,” Eddie calls out, a bit soft. No pet-names used— most of the time boys didn’t like them and wrinkled their nose. Those that didn’t mind, never returned them. “Can I show you the sketch I’ve been working on?”

He pauses, then launches into an explanation without waiting for a response, “It’s for the new campaign I’ve been planning, one of the bosses, and honestly, those little shrimps have no idea what’s coming for them.”

Jared, still slouched on the bed, peeks up a bit at the noise. He hadn’t really been doing much, just leafing through some of the junk beside Eddie’s bed. If Eddie let himself hold any hope, he would say it’s because he wants to know more about Eddie.

“Huh?” Jared asks, genuine enough that Eddie thinks maybe he didn’t hear him.

“A DnD boss?” Eddie says, eyebrows raising. He barrels on, thinking about how Dustin had helped propose the new boss, with a grin spreading across Eddie’s face. “Dustin, the little twerp, challenged me to pick a random combination of creatures and mash em’ together- see what crazy abilities come from it.”

“Who’s Dustin?” Jared asks, failing to sound like he cares. His eyes have wandered elsewhere, head falling back on the pillow and Eddie’s initial question about the sketch is long, long gone.

Oof. And that’s like 3 failed bids at one time because Eddie talks about Dustin all the time. Jared clearly isn’t interested in Eddie Munson, just what he can offer. Eddie’s heart grows a little colder.

“Look, I think I’m gonna get going, yeah?” Jared says, maybe sensing Eddie’s mood change as he begins to sit up and tug his shirt back over his bare skin. His sticks his feet in his shoes, laces them up. Eddie nods, tucks his notebook behind him and walks him out, plastering on a smile the whole time.

After ambling down the stairs to the trailer, Jared turns back, after searching the surrounding area for leering eyes, and he reaches out and gives Eddie’s hand a squeeze. Just a split second, before it flies back to his side.

Eddie would like to believe that he’s at least worthy of a goodbye kiss. Even if some wicked part of his brain says he’s not, that boys like Eddie Munson don’t get sweet goodbye kisses. Don’t get good relationships, just mindless flings.

The thought makes hurt flares in his gut, Eddie so desperately trying to protect his hope, and so before Jared can say anything, some pitiful goodbye, Eddie leans out the doorway and says, “Don’t call me.” then slams the trailer door.

It follows him around for the next week, his own personal storm-cloud to keep his head grey even when it’s sunny out. He mopes to Robin about it during her shift, probably the only other person he can talk to about it.

“So, you tested him? What does that even mean? Is there a gay test you know about that you haven’t told me about? That would be so uncool, man.”

She’s talking as she types, half paying attention to the computer. Steve is out in between the shelves, putting out a new batch of films— Eddie knows because he’d instinctively sought him out when he came in. Harrington was a pretty boy, sue him for wanting to enjoy the view.

Didn’t help he was also decidedly declared not-a-douchebag by Eddie during the whole upside down spiel and had the duality of biting off that bat’s head and somehow being the world’s biggest sweetheart for his friends. Friends that now included Eddie.

 What can you say? Going through that much together, including killing a death wizard and getting dragged out of an alternate dimension certainly forms some strong bonds. Plus, Steve was hot.

(Eddie denies the crush on the basis that would. never. happen.)

At the reminder of Vecna, Eddie winces and supposes he should be lucky he gets any sort of attention after that whole scandal. But it doesn’t stop him from draping himself across the front counter, laying pathetically with a pout on his lips. He shakes his head fervently at her question.

“Not a gay test, Robin.” He stresses. “It’s the Eddie-Munson-is-this-boy-gonna-stick-around-test.”

He rolls up onto his elbows and props his head into his waiting palms. “Gotta make sure I’m not being treated like some common whore.”

It’s meant to be a joke, a usual joking lilt to his voice, but the end of the sentences comes out a bit too bitter to land that way.

Robin’s sympathetic expression makes Eddie’s chest twinge in a way he doesn’t like. He waves her off. Slumps back down a bit before deciding he’s done enough wallowing in the public eye.

Robin doesn’t say anything as he pulls out his usual notebook, pages weathered and filled. Eddie usually hangs around the store on days without plans, flits between Robin and Steve, and scribbles in his notebook. She bites her lip, gaze moving between the book and the resigned expression on Eddie’s face as he turns to the latest page— the strange hellhound troll mashed up boss.

“Okay, I’ll bite—what’s the test involve?” She asks, pausing in her typing for a moment. Her hands don’t stop moving, still stressing the fabric of her pants twitchily. Eddie perks his head up, clutching his pencil a bit tighter and rolls right into it.

“It’s not even really a test, technically, but doesn’t matter- that’s just what I call it - it’s like a bid?”

Robin raises her brows and they disappear under her fringe. “A bid?”

“Yeah! A bid!” He waves his arms around as he speaks, gesticulating a bit wildly. “It’s like— like asking them to come look at something stupid and small, just to see if they’ll give your interests time of the day, yanno?”

He punches a finger down into his sketchbook. “A guy who can’t even be bothered to look at a sketch I worked on for an hour? Douchebag.”

Eddie’s tone turns a bit sing-song as he continues, like it’ll somehow distract from the bleakness of them. “Ergo, not sticking around.”

Robin’s hands finally stop their messing, becoming completely still against her legs. She finally swivels her body to face Eddie, a furrow between her brows. Her lips are quirked up, just a bit, like she knows something Eddie doesn’t. He feels his apprehension grow as he slumps his chin back into his hands.

“You mean, like how Steve is with you?”

Eddie stands a bit straighter at that, some flushed combination of disbelief mixing with delight flooded his body.

“What?” It comes out a bit more squeaky than intended. Eddie clears his throat, waves his hands, anything to stop that smirk from spreading across Robin’s face — he can feel his cheeks glow a bit warmer at the mere idea. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Robin smiles a bit and nods over to where Steve is. “Try it, test him.”

Eddie follows her nod, casting his eyes across the store to find Steve. He finds him situated in the romance section, a pile of cardboard box stacked beside him, the top box open and ready to be unpacked.

But Steve’s clearly been distracted by the first film in the box — he’s sunk deep into his mom-stance with one hip popped, one hand on his hip, the other holding the film as he reads the back cover of it very intently.

Eddie watches for just a moment, watches Steve squint and pull the case just a bit closer, wrinkle his nose adorably, snort a little laugh at whatever he’s reading — and dammit, this is just a fast track to insanity if Eddie watches him any longer.

“Steve,” he calls, too hesitant and too quiet. Steve’s head doesn’t move, he just flips the cover back over, marveling at the front. Eddie tries again. “Harrington!”

Steve’s head pops up, eyes skirting about to see who’s calling him. He doesn’t move when he sees it’s Eddie calling, just raises his brows. “Yeah?”

Eddie swallows, tries not to think of Robin paying close attention to both him and Steve. He grips his notebook a bit tighter even though he’s not entirely convinced Robin’s right. Steve Harrington doesn’t like DnD — not even for Dustin who has self-proclaimed himself Steve’s ‘adorable little brother that he never had’. Steve is hardly going to care if it’s Eddie asking.

“Do you wanna take a look at this sketch I’m working on?” He asks, as casual as he can.

Steve’s features give away just a hint of surprise, a blink as he comprehends what’s been said. Eddie holds his breath, ready to turn to Robin and say ‘I told you so!’ and to pretend that he’s not secretly hoping Steve will say yes.

“Sure,” Steve says, slotting the film back into the cardboard box and beginning to meander between the shelves towards the front desk. Eddie doesn’t even get time to be surprised because Steve’s suddenly there, in front of him, all expectant.

Eddie opens his mouth, thinks the better of it, and snaps it back closed. Instead, he thrusts the notebook to the side along the countertop, opened to the page of the sketch and doesn’t say anything. In the background, Robin snorts lightly. Eddie shoots her a glare.

If Eddie could look at Steve, he’d see the lightly amused expression on his face, but Eddie only focuses on the book. Really focuses. God, if he looks at Steve he’ll probably get some stupid mooned expression on his face that would totally give away his tiny stupid not-a-crush.

In his peripheral, he can see Steve sidle a little closer and lean over to peer at the page. And while he looks over it intently, Eddie let’s his eyes drift up, taking in the side of his face.

Curses his stupid handsome face. Then curses it some more when Steve lights up in recognition, turning to Eddie, excited to have a sliver of an idea what Eddie’s showing him. Normally, it’s all mumbo-jumbo to Steve. Not that he hasn’t tried to keep up but those kids are ahead of the curve and Steve wasn’t about to embarrass himself asking them to slow down their explanations.

“Woah, is this that one that Dustin was talking about?” Eddie thinks there might be a bit of genuine excitement leaking into Steve’s words.

“The weird like, mashed up, uh, what’s the word? Hyp- hypb—“

“Hybrid,” Eddie supplies, voice cool. His heart is not feeling so cool. Jesus Christ, Steve wasn’t supposed to pass Eddie’s test— he wasn’t even supposed to be tested. In order for that happen, they’d have to even be fooling around and Eddie blames his building blush on that mere suggestion.

“Yeah!” Steve raps his knuckles against the countertop and takes a second look at the drawing, closer this time. He looks back up at Eddie, so he knows he’s completely sincere when he says, “This is really cool, man.”

“Okay.” Eddie breathes, sounding a bit stupid. He remembers himself, remembers Robin watching him essentially bluescreen at the praise from Steve and wrenches his awed smile into a familiar smug type of grin. 

“Of course it is, Steve-o,” He quickly amends, reaching back and tugging the notebook back. It’s closes with a quick snap, like Eddie’s afraid Steve will take another look. “She’s not finished yet, of course.”

Eddie had to bite his tongue to keep it from either taking an insanely egotistical route to pretend Steve’s praise hadn’t had a profound effect on him, or even worse, start trying to suddenly be humble — oh this ol’ thing? it’s nothing really, just threw it together quickly— Eddie nearly melts against the counter in relief when the bell on the front door saves him.

A customer enters the store, instantly taking Steve’s attention and he bounds off to help them, an easy smile on his face.

Eddie waits until Steve and the customer wandered off into the aisles to release his breath. He doesn’t look at Robin, just turns and presses his forehead down against the countertop. Then raises it just a bit, and thunks it back down, a couple of times for good measure.

“Okay, okay—“ Robin’s gone a bit wide eyed and she waves her hands at Eddie’s pathetic form, his head still bonking against the counter. “Stop doing that. Jesus, Eddie, are the dramatics always necessary?”

His motions stop at Robin’s words and Eddie’s whips his head up. He narrows his eyes at her, and as if to prove his point, exaggeratedly jabs a finger at her.

“Hey! Never deny my right to be a drama queen. It is my god given right as an American citizen—”

“He passed.” Robin says, cutting off what was about to be a very long rant about god knows what. Eddie just didn’t want her to say what she was about to. “Your test. He passed, didn’t he?“

That. He didn’t want her to say that.

“He’s being a good friend! A very good nice friend!” Eddie counters, only sounding a little bit whiny which takes half the conviction out of his words. He slams his hands down against the wood. “That test is for— it’s not for him! It’s for—”

An annoyed noise comes out of Eddie’s throat and he aims for one more thunk of his head against the counter before tugging it back up and meeting Robin’s smug expression. She’s too smug. Her whole face is smug smug smug and Eddie scowls. He points a deliberate finger at her again.

“Different context, alright? That—” He waves an arm behind him, in the direction of Steve carelessly. “—doesn’t count. Nope. Not- that’s not how the test works.”

Robin sighs, as if she realises how fruitless it is to keep chucking this argument between the two of them. Her hands finally resume their typing and Eddie lets his head drop again, this time resting it against the wood a tad more gentle. He slumps, blowing a pointless raspberry as he tries to evacuate every thought that’s entertaining Steve as more. Or Steve wanting more of Eddie.

“Look,” Robin says suddenly, halting her typing once more. Eddie rolls his head so he can see her but doesn’t bother to lift it. She’s sideways in his vision, but still barreling on in that Robin way. “One last thing and then I swear, I’ll leave it.”

Eddie raises his brows. Says nothing.

“Have you considered,” She pauses, and appears to be trying to pick her words carefully. “whether anyone else is putting their bids on you?”

Eddie wrinkles his nose, knowing exactly what she’s hinting at. Subtlety has never been Robin’s strong suit. It’s even more obvious when her eyes dart across the store — Eddie seriously doubts she’s talking about the random customer that had just entered.

“Just think about it?” She pleads, and Eddie feels his annoyance at how easily he can feel his heart roll over. “See if you notice any bids from... anyone! Anyone at all.”

Eddie picks his head up, chances a glance towards Steve and admits, there’s no harm in trying. Even though, Steve had surprised him today Eddie can find a dozen reasons to chalk that up to. A dozen reasons that don’t include mutual feelings.

Eddie mulls it over, because because what are the chances really? Steve putting bids out to him? To specifically Eddie? The chances are slim to none.

So the answer he gives is, “Sure.”

He’ll get to tell Robin later she can stuff it and wipe her smug expression off with the most righteous i told you so on the planet. There was no way she was right about this, right?

Part two. Part three.

#this is not nearly as edited as most things that come out this blog #but i was going for those rambly posts i see of them all da time #<3 #steddie my beloved #ruby writes steddie #steddie #steve x eddie #steddie ficlet #steddie fic #posting this at an odd time bcos it’s not what da usual followers expect #anyways i trust the gay ppl…… they will find this

[watchyourbuck]

Oh god okay here we go

Why must I go into heavy detail you ask? Well, I am actually unable to shut up so here it is them 10 TOP “there’s no chance this is a straight friendship” MOMENTS

“You can have my back any day” aka the enemies to lovers speedrun. The immediate feeling we’re supposed to get from the screen is jealousy. Buck is jealous of the new recruit because he’s hot, a medic, a veteran, whatever. I’ll give it to you children, he WAS jealous. But then they go on call and they get into immediate danger bc 911 is a drama and then Eddie’s very keen on being Buck’s partner. Nothing queer til then right? WRONG. Eddie’s line is pretty normal but the way Buck reacts isn’t. I have had my fair share of “huh this person I didn’t like is actually cool” moments but nEVER have I once sucked in a breath, forgot how to blink, rushed in my words OR stared at said person like I’d like for them to be my lover. Three points to Gayfindor.

“Is your son REALLY the reason you don’t date?” This line and the dialogue that follows makes absolutely no sense from the non-queer glass. Alright he asks bc he wants to know why two girls practically launched themselves at him and he declined (such a kind offer lmao) but… why are you standing so close? Why do you bump shoulders with him as you walk? Most importantly, what the FUCK does Eddie’s smirk mean after “they’re not my type either… not anymore.” Idk about you guys but when I’m not on the market I’m actually not in it 😀 and I don’t go around looking at my best friend like I’d consider fucking her (I’m actually kinda yikes about that thought bc she’s like my sister). Bottom line is: if you’re willing to fuck your best friend, there’s attraction. That scenes oozes attraction and I’d be willing to white glove challenge a body language reader.

The Tsunami. YES okay, there are far many moments in between but I also need to make this a somewhat readable list so here we go. We’re gonna pretend for a hot second Buck wants to save his best friend’s son, and not the child that he considers his own bc I’m tired. Let’s skip to the far end of this (be GrAtEfuL I’m skipping the whole sacrifice that this episode entailed. Buck was willing to die, to never sit down again if it meant looking for Chris [& the utter fear he has to face Eddie]. It’s a lot). Now, I do not OWN a child (thank god) but if I did, I wouldn’t be particularly comfortable with a simple friend from work taking care of them. They could be my very best friend from work and I’d still feel a little icky -at least nervous- about it. Yet Eddie not only takes Christopher back A F T E R the tsunami (Chris could’ve died and Eddie is nothing short of apprehensive), but he says ‘there’s no one I trust with my son more than you’. Um. Not his wife. Not his family (CHRIS’ family), not Abuela, not Tia Pepa. Buck. Who he… just met? Surely it isn’t bc he’s uncle buck… I don’t believe even Maddie has said that to Buck, where he’s actually, yknow, UNCLE BUCK. Co-parenting is not something done between a parent and a friend, and I know this shit bc my mom raised me with a few of her friends and guys,,, she never said that to any of them. Also Chris is practically never seen with anyone else from the 188firefam alone.

The Kitchen Scene™️. I have gone on rants about this before but truth be told THIS is the scene that conveys the MOST canonically sexual tension between them. We can joke about it all y’all want but this scene is unhinged. I don’t think Oliver and Ryan were aware that they should’ve been friends in this scene. The way the conversation shifts from apologetic sad puppy eyes to “you’re throwing your punches at the wrong guy” to I CAN TAKE YOU (???) you can what? “Oh you think?” “Oh I know” HELLO? Pls don’t even get me started on how Buck approaches Eddie, the way he’s puffy-chested, his hand on his belt, eyeing him up and down, nearly biting his lip, cocky grin,,,,, explain to me in hetero. I’m waiting😐 guys c’mon exPLAIN IT TO ME IN HETERO. The way Eddie glances to the side bc where’s Chris? And h o w he sips his beer right after, smirking, tiLTING His head. I’m sorry this is not straight in any way. I’m sorry you’re gonna have to accept this.

Clipboard Buck. Alright u got me!!! This one’s a lil silly, but so is my life, so it’s fair game. Clipboard Buck is annoying as fuck, he’s so fucking annoying. The entire firefam picks up on this, no one wants to be around,,,, except Eddie. You could argue that it’s bc he likes him as a friend and he’s just indulging …. 👁️👄👁️ sure but he also hides from Interim Captain Han soooo anyway what’s fun about this is how willing Eddie is to comply with everything he says. He’s basically twirling his hair, kicking his feet, smiling & blushing and “check!” 🧍🏽‍♀️ buck is kinky (that is canon e.g the ring cutter) and he gets high on authority and Eddie does backflips to meet his kinks. Exhibit 5 complete.

The Lawsuit Arc acka the first divorce era😔✊🏼. This one makes me rage a little bit because I get really upset at Buck for acting recklessly. Like baby let yourself HEAL. Anyway,,,, onto what brings us here 🥷🏼. It’s canon that the entire team is mad at Buck, they don’t really wanna bump into him, can’t really speak to him,,, but Eddie? Eddie’s filled with wrath. I cannot stress enough the fact that he uses Chris as an excuse “do you even know how much he misses you? how could you! you’re not here”. The way he expresses himself, and we’re choosing to ignore the fact that he HIMSELF misses Buck,, that’s how you talk to someone who has a responsibility with the child, not the fun coworker that randomly shows up @ your house with pizza every once in a while. “I couldn’t even call you to bail me out of jail”. He’s so u p s e t that for the first time they know each other he can’t rely on Buck when he’s hurting and in danger. And pls for the love of Jesus Christ my lord & savior don’t tell me that it’s a 118 thing bc he calls Ronda Rousey to come pick him up 🎅🏻 that grocery store scene is.. interesting.

Eddie Underground. Alright we’re getting serious now guys,,, might as well put on your thinking caps on this one. We all know the story, this isn’t a latest ep recap soooo The wAY Buck’s the ONLY ONE who desperately calls Eddie’s name when he’s fallen underground, amidst the heavy rain and dirt. Listen to me: he starts digging with his hands. With his bare hands I tell you!!!! 😩 Bobby has to physically pull him back as he cries on his lap. Buck is a smart man, he wouldn’t do something that’s completely illogic, he knows he can’t dig him out but he’s so desperate. His voice breaks, he can’t breathe, he becomes impulsive, reckless, impatient. Do I need to remind y’all the reason he wasn’t the one getting strapped to go underground??? “You’re not going down there. So we can have two cut off ropes?” Everyone knows he’s willing to sacrifice his integrity for Eddie bc his life doesn’t make sense without him. “We’ll get him back for you”

The Shooting + “I’ve made u my son’s dad lol”. When Eddie gets shot the world freezes for Buck. He’s left standing there, staring as Eddie’s blood splatters on him. He has to be tackled down. Even then, he’s unable to move, to breathe. He just looks as he bleeds out, and theN he snaps back into reality, bracing himself to go under the truck (foregoing his own trauma - I’ve said this before) and preparing for the amount of strength it’s gonna take to pull him under it. He screams at him to hold on, and later when he manages to pull him inside the truck he tells him he needs him to hang on. He rips his uniform open, he cries and screams,,, then Eddie wakes up, and he asks BUCK if HES okay. Bc he saw blood :( also as @butraura pointed out, he can’t die if Buck’s dying bc what about Chris? He only lets himself drift off when he knows Buck’s okay. Then we got The Will Reveal™️ also so unhinged. “You knew I wouldn’t turn it down” right what is this guys??? That was a year ago. He added him to his will A yEaR aGo. Idk about y’all but I haven’t added my friends to my will😀 also Buck’s the one who tells Chris ??? (I’m being very brief on this subject). Also “Because, Evan” shut up🧎🏽‍♀️

& 10. The Lightning Strike + “She sees me”. I’m doing these together bc I haven’t watched this episodes yet but I’m an addict so I’ve spoiled myself to the brim. The way Eddie screams Buck’s name, the way he saves him, “do more” h e l l o ?? The absolute PAIN in Eddie’s eyes, “you died Buck” “3 minutes and 17 seconds”, “his humor hasn’t changed” & the fact that he listens to Buck on his super genius math theory. And then Buck goes and says “I feel like Natalia sees me” ok. I mean my feelings mean nothing but Eddie’s face ??? That’s a man that knows he’s waited too long.

I rest my case. I’m missing a lot of scenes (like a lot omg Abby comes back, Buck under the Truck, Buck vomiting blood, the Taylor Arc) & y’all can argue in the comments about them, or add shit or try to dismantle mine, honestly the floor is yours idc wHat u do, just know you won’t convince me otherwise 🤸🏽these two are in love & that’s pretty much that on THAT. PERIOD.

#I’m sorry for this long ass post #buddie #911 fox #evan buckley #eddie diaz #911 #911 tv show #buck x eddie #evan buck buckley #buck and eddie #911 abc #buddie drabble #buddie ship #evan buckley x eddie diaz #evan buck buckely #buck/eddie #911 buddie #buddie 911

[ghosttotheparty]

love me softly p4

@heart-of-a-rose they!!! see!!! each!!! other!!!! (@theysherobinbuckley <3) cw: steve discusses His Father with eddie; nothing is explicit or anything but its implied that his dad is abusive & neglectful

part three

-----

He goes to Gareth’s the next day. His mom answers the door.

“Hi, Mrs Gareth’s mom.”

“Hi, Eddie. He’s in his room.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“She’s told you that you can call her Linda,” Gareth says as soon as Eddie is pushing aside the curtain to his room, laying on his bed with a book in his lap, spinning a drumstick.

“Yeah, I can also walk into traffic, but that doesn’t mean I want to or that I’m going to.”

“Whatever, man. What’s up?”

“Uh.”

He lays on the floor, looking up at the posters Gareth has tacked to the ceiling.

“You remember when I said that I, uhm. Like Steve?”

“Unforgettable knowledge, yes.”

“Uhm.” He’s grinning at the ceiling. His face almost hurts. “I got a… slight, sneaking suspicion it may not be entirely one-sided.”

Gareth drops the drumstick, and it clatters to the floor.

“Elaborate right now.”

He elaborates. Tells Gareth about detention, about the first-name basis, about the way Steve’s cheeks flushed and the way he laughed, the way he half-heartedly tried to stop Eddie from flipping through the notebook, about the fucking drawing.

“And you’re sure it was you?” Gareth asks, now sitting up and looking down at Eddie, wide-eyed.

“Positive.”

“…Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“Is he… Do you think he’s queer?”

“I don’t know,” Eddie groans, throwing his arms over his face. “I don’t know.”

“I mean— he’s slept with like every girl in the school, I—“

“I know.” He sighs heavily. “But… Even if he isn’t, he’s… He’s different.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I mean—“ He throws his arms aside, huffing. His eyes trace the fraying edges of an old Metallica poster that’s overlapping a faded map of constellations. “He’s not a douchebag.”

“Eddie…”

Eddie just groans loudly, rolling over.

Mrs Gareth’s mom gives him a Tupperware of food to take home before he leaves.

When Eddie sees Steve at school again, Steve’s eyes are practically shining at him, and his cheeks flush pink, and he suppresses a smile before he looks away, and Eddie wants to scream. He can see the corner of the notebook, the folded blue front page, sticking out of his backpack next to him.

On Friday, Eddie attends a party. He wasn’t invited, he never is, but no one ever really minds when he shows up with his tin lunchbox.

Parties always get him good money, dumb kids wanting to lose their minds for a night and willing to give Eddie any amount of money for it.

But the noise and the the lights tire him after a while, and he leaves his can of Coke in the sink, wincing as he skirts past people, winding through crowds of dancing and shouting people. The front door is practically blocked off, the front porch so full of people that just looking at it over the others’ heads makes his body ache.

So he swerves, keeps his head down as he finds his way down a hall. He knows there’s a bedroom down here, with a window that should go right through the backyard.

A hand grabs his shoulder as he’s opening the door, and he turns, startled, the lunchbox bumping the person behind him.

“Shit—“

“You got coke?”

Eddie blinks, recognising him from the hallways at school. His eyes are bloodshot, hanging at half-mast.

“I’m not selling right now, man,” Eddie says, moving the lunchbox away from him.

“Come on, Munson.”

“No.” Eddie shifts into the doorway of the bedroom. “Go drink some water or something.”

“Dude, I’ll pay you whatever, just—“

“No,” Eddie snaps. “You ask again and I’m not selling to you ever. Get outta here.”

The guy huffs, and Eddie braces himself for impact, but he just stumbles away down the hall. Eddie shakes his head, watching before he steps into the bedroom and shuts the door behind himself, leaning to look around the four-poster bed to see out the window.

“Why’d you do that?”

“Jesus—“ He jumps, almost dropping the lunchbox, and Steve Harrington is sitting on the ground against the bed, laughing. “Christ,” he finishes, pressing a hand to his chest, and sure, maybe he’s hamming it up a little, but Steve’s eyes are sparkling, and he’s giggling at him. “Scared the shit out of me, Steve.”

“My bad.”

Eddie scoffs.

“Why’d I do what?”

“Not sell to Andy,” Steve says quietly. Eddie looks down at him. He’s holding a bottle in his hands between his knees. “He probably woulda paid you anything.”

“I know,” he says, hesitating and looking down at him. “Can I sit with you?”

“Mhmm.”

He sits heavily next to him against the bed, sighing.

“He’s high off his ass,” Eddie says. “Woulda paid me anything, probably woulda taken it all in one go. I like money but I don’t like being kind of responsible for overdoses.”

Steve just nods silently, his eyes trained on the bottle he’s holding.

“You’re a nice guy,” Steve says quietly after a moment.

Eddie scoffs.

“What are you laughing at?” Steve says, looking at him. His eyes are shiny. He looks sad.

“Don’t really hear that often.”

“You’re nice.”

“I think you’re nice.”

Steve is quiet, staring blankly at the floor.

“…Do you,” he says so softly it’s almost just a whisper.

“Yeah,” Eddie says. “You’re not like those other douchebags.”

“…My friends?”

Eddie winces.

“Sorry, I’m…”

“You’re right.” Steve sighs softly. “They are douchebags.”

Eddie relaxes against the bed. They’re sitting so close he can hear him breathing.

“Why are you friends with them?”

Steve keeps staring into space, shadows falling across his face in a way that makes him look like a painting. It’s quiet except for the muffled thumping of music, of voices shouting and singing.

“My dad works with Mr Hagan,” Steve says quietly. “If Tommy and I fight, or he hates me for whatever reason, and he tells his dad, it could…” He pauses, pressing his lips together. “Fuck with my dad’s business. Which I don’t really give a shit about, but when things at work are rough, Dad gets pissed, and when Dad’s pissed…” He trails off, sighing.

“Dads really suck sometimes,” Eddie says softly, and Steve scoffs.

“Yeah.”

They sit in silence for a moment, and Eddie sets the lunchbox down on the floor.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Hit me.”

“You draw often?”

Even in the dim lighting, Eddie can see Steve’s face flush pink, and Eddie grins.

“What makes you ask that?”

Eddie snorts, and Steve is giggling again.

“That drawing I saw,” Eddie says, looking at him. “I mean, it was… it was good. You don’t get that good with just one drawing, right?”

“Shut up,” Steve says shyly, holding the bottle to his chest. “It’s… I’m not supposed to, but…”

“Explain.”

Steve pauses, biting his lip and letting his head fall back to the bed. Eddie’s eyes trace the line of his throat.

“I drew when I was a kid,” he says quietly. “And it was fine, because I was a kid, and my teachers all said I was very creative, and had good motor skills, and…” He shrugs, looking across the room. “And then one day I tried to show my dad a new drawing. It was a pirate ship.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says softly, listening intently.

“And he snapped that Harringtons aren’t artists.” His mouth twists thoughtfully before he takes a breath and leans toward Eddie without looking at him. “He threw away all my crayons.”

“Your dad sounds like a royal asshole.”

“Yeah.” Steve laughs softly. “I couldn’t stop drawing though,” he says. “I wasn’t allowed to listen to music, and I never wanted to spend more time than necessary with my friends, and I’m shit at reading, so… It became like… an escape or some shit. I just never showed anyone.”

“I’d like to see more of your stuff,” Eddie says. “If you’d let me.”

Steve’s head falls back to the bed and he’s quiet for a moment.

“What’s your locker number?”

“My locker number?”

“Mm.”

“You gonna leave me little notes and shit?”

“…If you’d let me.”

Eddie’s cheeks flush and he looks away.

“Two thirty-six. In front of Wilkinson.”

“Cool.”

They’re quiet again. It’s oddly peaceful. Eddie’s never been a big fan of the quiet, always interrupting it with heavy music or his own voice, humming or talking to himself or just making noise. But with Steve it’s nice. He can almost hear his heartbeat.

“So what are you doing hiding away in here?” he asks after a while.

“Uh.” Steve sighs, taking a sip from the bottle. “Hiding away.”

“From?”

Steve shrugs.

“Everything, I guess. ‘S really fucking loud out there. Tommy’s being more of a dick than usual.” He pauses, swinging the bottle in his fingers. “Can’t drive, though. So I’m…”

“I was about to leave,” Eddie says gently. “I can give you a ride.”

“Where’re you going?”

“Just going to drive around,” he says truthfully. “But I can take you to your place if you wanna go home.”

Steve stares at the ground, his expression hardening as he thinks, brows furrowing, lips frowning.

“No, I wanna go with you.”

Eddie blinks.

“Just… to drive?”

“Yeah.” Steve glances at him, runs his face shyly. “My dad’s not home, but it— it always feels like he is, y’know?”

“Yeah,” Eddie says softly. “I know.”

Steve leans his head back, draining the bottle. Eddie watches his throat bob as he swallows.

“Uh, but we gotta go out that window,” Eddie adds, ignoring the warmth in his cheeks, pointing at the window. “It’s like the whole school is on the front porch and I am… slightly claustrophobic.”

Steve laughs lightly, his eyes shining again.

“Okay.”

Eddie beckons with a tilt of his head.

“Let’s get out of here.”

next part

read the whole thing on ao3

#are these getting longer #possibly #anyway #i have so many idea for this series #but!! #if you have ideas pls let me know i would literally love to hear them #steddie #steddie ficlet #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson #stranger things #stranger things ficlet #out here projecting my claustrophobia onto eddie dont mind me #love me softly

[transmascnaotoshirogane]

safety net

hello linked universe fandom, we have returned after months with queer rabbits. tried a more spaced-out format, trying to please people who said our other writing style gets too confusing. (i just think they cant read -dex)

ao3 link; x

“What’re you doin up here, rabbit?”

“Ah—oh! Honeybee, hi. Sorry, did I wake you up?”Ravio turned to the side, watching as Legend sat down next to him on the roof.

Legend just hummed. “What’s wrong?”

“...huh?”

“You only do this when you’re upset. What’s wrong?”Legend shouldn’t push him, not really, but it’s the only way Ravio ever admits when something’s bugging him. They’re as stubborn as each other sometimes.

For a minute, it’s quiet, the only sounds heard being each other's breaths. Then, “I get scared when you’re away,”Ravio whispered, barely loud enough to be heard, “I get scared that you won’t come back. That you’ll get hurt, or worse. I mean—you got stabbed, bun. That’s—that’s scary.”

“I don’t like being away either,”Legend admitted. “I never know if you’re safe when I’m gone. Realistically I know you are, but..”The hero trailed off, ending with a vague, “Yeah.”

Ravio let out a breath. “Yeah.”He repeated with a small laugh.

Another silence followed, but this one felt…lighter than the one before. No baited breath, waiting for one of them to admit to anything.

“Wouldn’t want Hyrule’s best merchant to die off, would we?”Legend grinned slightly, a lopsided little thing.

Ravio couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Well lucky, I don’t want my favourite customer dying anytime soon!”

“Can we go back inside now? It’s freezing out here.”

“Well, Mr. Hero, maybe you would be warmer if you didn’t insist on wearing a dress in all weather!”Ravio tutted at him, but began to unwind his scarf from his neck.

“It’s not a dress! They’re tunics, not dresses. And they’re way more comfortable.”Legend complained, arms crossed.

“Whatever you say, honeybun.”He replied, simply looping his scarf around Legend’s neck a few times. “There we go~ You should be warmer now! I won’t charge you for this one.”

“You would charge me for it?”

“...nah, probably not.”He admitted with a sigh.

“Good. Guess that means I can take your scarf more often then, right?”

“You like it that much?”Ravio laughed, face tinting slightly red when Legend nodded in response. “Wow.”

“It smells like you.”

“Oh.”The merchant paused, not having expected that. “That’s nice of you to say, Mr. Hero.”

“Mhm.”Legend hummed out, leaning against the other. “...I’m sorry I got hurt.”

“No no no, don’t you dare apologise for getting hurt. You didn’t exactly do it yourself!”Ravio laughed. “...did you?”

“No, Rav, what the fuck?”

“Hey, you can’t blame me for asking!”Ravio cackled. “For all I know, you stabbed yourself so your lovely, caring boyfriend would nurse you back to health~”

“I’d rather die.”Legend huffed. “I wouldn’t trust you to look after me with a stab wound anyways.”

Ravio gasped, loud and dramatic. “That’s so mean! I would take the best care of you!”

“Yeah right.”

“I would and you know it. I’d take the best care of my prince,”He grinned, throwing the nickname in there just to see the hero go bright red, laughing when the other pushed him away, embarrassed.

“I-I told you not to call me that.”Legend complained, though the blush on his face and the way his ears pointed downwards betrayed any semblance of annoyance.

“Fine~”Ravio giggled, nuzzling Legend’s shoulder. “I won’t call you my prince. Even though it’s true.”

“Rav!”

Another laugh.

“We should probably go back inside though. You’re right, it’s a little cold.”

“A little? It’s fucking freezing.”

“You didn’t have to come after me.”Ravio offered a hand to the hero, helping him climb down the side of the roof.

“Yes I did,”Legend insisted. “I needed to make sure you were okay, rabbit.”

“Awh, that’s so sweet of you~”

“Go to hell.”The hero replied bluntly, sighing quietly when he was standing on the grass again, waiting for Ravio to hop down from the roof.

“I’ll probably meet you there, Mr. Hero.”

“Probably? Nah. You’ll absolutely meet me there. No doubt.”Legend snorted, heading inside the house when Ravio finally gathered the courage to jump down from the roof.

“Guess you’re never getting rid of me, then!”Ravio replied cheerfully, pushing his hood down once they got inside. He doesn’t understand it, but Legend has a rule about hats and hoods being worn inside. Says it’s bad luck or something.

The two made their way back to their bedroom, quiet so as to not disturb any of the heroes currently sleeping on the floor in the living room.

“You put your prosthetic on just to check on me?”Ravio realised belatedly, as they made it to the bedroom and Legend sat on their bed and began to remove the aforementioned metal leg.

“Couldn’t get onto the roof without it.”Was all he got.

Ravio wants to tease him for it, or remind him that he didn’t have to come and check on him, but any words he had died in his throat as he settled into bed, Legend curling up into his side. Legend was worried about him.

It’s…not too surprising—Legend’s always cared in his own way—but it still catches the merchant off guard.

“Rulie healed the wound after it happened,”The hero mumbled. “Made sure there wasn’t gonna be any lasting damage outside of a scar.”

“That’s good,”Ravio hummed, running his hands through the other’s hair. It’s suspiciously pinker than usual, but he won��t ask about it. Not right now, anyways. Maybe later. “Sucks that there’s gonna be a scar, though.”

“Eh,”The other shrugged, “It’s just another one to the collection.”

“Honeybee…”

“I know,”He sighed. “Sorry. It’s just easier to think of them as a collection instead of injuries.”

“It’s okay.”Ravio assured him, pressing a soft kiss to Legend’s forehead. “...you’re gonna take the scarf off to sleep, right?”

“Um…I wasn’t planning to, no, but if you’re worried about me choking or something I can take it off.”He laughed quietly. “Do you want me to remove it?”

“If..you don’t mind. I just worry that it’ll get tangled.”

“Fair enough,”The hero shrugged, unwinding the scarf and placing it on the table beside the bed. “I’m really fucking tired, so I’m definitely going to fall asleep soon, but if you need to leave again, wake me up. Okay?”

“Okay, good night bunny.”

“Night, rabbit.”Legend pressed a kiss to Ravio’s cheek before settling, burying his face into Ravio’s neck.

He was asleep within minutes, which isn’t really anything new. It warms Ravio’s heart a little, knowing that Legend feels safe with him. The merchant continued to play with the hero’s hair, staring up at the ceiling and listening to the other’s breathing. He knows he can’t protect Legend when he’s out adventuring, when he’s doing his job, but… At least he can protect him here, and at least he knows Legend is safe here. That’s all he can really ask for. Ravio knows he can’t make him feel safe all the time, but he’s glad he can at least make him feel safe in his own home. Which is a bit of an odd sentence, but he knows that Legend struggled with that a little bit before he came along. He sighed, closing his eyes. He shouldn’t still be awake, Legend will worry if he has bags under his eyes again. At least he fell asleep easily tonight, which probably had something to do with having the hero asleep in his arms, safe and sound.

#the rainbow twinks #rainbow ramblings #rainbow writings #oliver and dex #the rainbows linked universe tag #linked universe #lu #linked universe legend #lu legend #linked universe ravio #lu ravio #legend/ravio #ravio/legend #ravioli

[graciegoeskrazy]

figure my heart out | PART 2

Matty Healy + Queer!Teen!Daughter!reader

warnings: coming out, language

a/n: you didn’t really think i’d leave u on read did you? cmon u know me better than that. in all honesty i didnt mean to split it into 2 parts but i just loved what i had written and wanted to get it out there asap. my bad whoopsies. AT LEAST I DIDNT LEAVE YALL HANGING FOR LONG RIGHT. i’m sorry for all the pain i caused. xoxo. ALSO THANK YOUNFOR ALL THE IIND COMMENTS AND LOVE U GUYS MAKE MY FUCKING DAY LIKE LITTERSLY MY DAD WAS SO SHIT IMAND YOU GUYS TURNED IT AROUND WITH UR REQUESTS AND COMMENTS I LOVENUUUUHU OKAY enjoy 😚

An hour had passed. No one had gone to bed or left including your aunt and uncles because they all were too worried about you. They tried to convince your father to follow you upstairs before things worsened, but he couldn't move. This was a life-changing moment for crying out loud, and he was the one who ruined it. He couldn’t get that out of his head. After a while of going back and forth with each other, Everyone had enough of your father’s bullshit and decided to get involved. George and Ross took it upon themselves to head up to your room. They weren't even sure if you were awake in the first place, but the faint music of Olivia Rodrigo’s Sour album was playing the the background which was a telltale sign you were awake. Awake, and not doing well. It was nearing 3 in the morning but on weekends like this, sleep didn’t exist in the Healy and company household. People were up and awake or blasting music or just doing things you would normally do when the sun is up, so everyone staying up and having an intervention of sorts was a normal thing. (Which makes you wonder why your curfew was 11 pm in the fucking first place) That’s another reason why George and Ross had no problem with knocking on your door. “Bubs? You in there?” George knew the answer. They both did, but they didn’t know how to start the conversation. You had just sent a goodnight text to your girlfriend. As soon as you got upstairs a while ago, you texted her saying that you needed to talk. Not even a full minute later she answered the phone and you told her everything. After getting you to calm down and promising you everything would be alright, she suggested that you get some rest, and that’s what you planned to do. Until your uncles knocked on your door.

“Bubs it's Me and Tallie. We need you to open up.”

You were so tired. You didn't want to deal with them or anyone. You just wanted sleep. So you didn’t answer. After a moment, Ross spoke. “Love, open the door, please. We just want to help you.” He gave a glance towards George when you didn’t reply. “Bubs, we love you. We only want to help. What your dad did was unfair, we know that, and we just want to stop it from getting worse.”

Ross added on, “We love you, y/n. It doesn't change how we feel about you. You’re still our baby and we still love you. Let us in, please.”

After thinking about it and coming to the conclusion of what more could go wrong you reached up from where you were sitting on the ground near the door, and let them in. Still not saying another word.

George found you first. He knelt in front of you and did some of the breathing exercises he taught you. Eventually, he helped you up onto the bed where Ross sat and you just fell into him. You cried into his chest as George closed the door and went around to the other side of the bed.

“You feeling better?” You nodded. Ross pressed a kiss to your head. “Good.” He said.

George scooted closer and smiled. ‘So…June, huh?”

Ross smiled and you cringed, “Oh my god, shut up.”

“What?! I’m not judging. I like vaginas too.”

At this point, Ross was a pool of laughter and as much as you hate to admit it you laughed a bit too.

“Oh my- just get out.” You said, cracking a smile.

“You gonna be okay?” Ross asked.

You solemnly nodded. “Yeah, I’m just gonna go to bed and see what happens tomorrow.”

George smiled, “One day at a time.”

You nodded.

They both pressed kisses to your head like they have done since you were little, and left the room, silently, closing the door.

…

The next morning, after some very much-needed rest, you woke up to the sun coming through your window. You sat there for a while, wishing it was still night and wishing June was right there with you. After a minute of snapping back to reality, there was a silent knock at the door. Matty peaked his head in and his eyes found yours. He was still in last night’s clothes, dress pants and all. “I’m sorry- did I wake you-”

“No. It’s fine I’ve been up.”

He just nodded. He cleared his throat before continuing. “Can I come in?” You didn’t expect this conversation to happen this early but it was clear that he got no sleep and had been preparing himself all night. You nodded. He came in and shut the door and sat on the edge of your bed. You lay back, resting against the headboard. He couldn’t meet your eyes, but finally did when he said, “I’m sorry.”

You showed a slight tight-lip smile.“I know.” You said.

He looked away again and sighed. “I didn’t mean for it to happen like this, I just…”

“For what to happen?”

“You coming out.”

Your head tilted in confusion, “Wait- you knew this would happen?”

He shrugged as if it was nothing. “Well, not this but yeah, love.”

You crawled forward and sat next to him by the edge of your bed. “Are you kidding?” You yelled.

“No. I’ve known you liked boys and girls since you were in primary school.”

This bitch. You stood up with wide eyes and stared at your dad. “You knew I liked both!?!”

He smiled. “Remember the first time you got drunk at a party?”

“No?”

“Exactly. You came home super drunk from June’s house and while I was helping you sober up and get ready for bed you told me you had a crush on June. That you liked her and wanted to marry her.” He smiled at the thought.

You were shocked to say the least. “Wh-why didn’t you say anything? Or yell at me for being drunk!”

“Because you’re a teenager. I wanted you to have fun.”

You rolled your eyes and sat back down, of COURSE he knew I was queer of course. Sometimes I wish he didn’t know me this fucking well. “Oh my gosh.”

“You thought I believed you were going to ‘study sessions’? I’m not dumb, love. I used to make the same excuses. Plus, I didn't think I’d have to worry about teen pregnancy if you were having sex with a girl.”

“Dad!” You said, slapping his arm.

“Sorry.” You covered your eyes in embarrassment and shock.

“I wanted you to live your life. And figure out who you are before you tell me anything. I wanted you to feel comfortable coming to me and trust me.”

You sat up. “I’ve always trusted you. It’s just June isn’t exactly out yet to her family so it’s comp-“

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me.” He said, smiling, and putting a hand on your knee.

“I’m sorry, I yelled,” he said.

“You don’t have to be sorry. I’m sorry I lied and stayed past curfew.”

“It’s alright.” He said, patting your knee.

He looked at you and took your face in his hands. “I love you. No matter who you love.”

You smiled “I love you most.”

#matty healy #matty healy x daughter!reader #matty healy x reader #matty the 1975 #matty x reader #x daughter!reader #the 1975

[sentientcave]

IT'S WIP WEDNESDAY (Baybeeeeee) and P requested more Rugby so that's what you're getting. Everyone say thank you to @pfhwrittes

This is right after HERE if you're wondering where it fits in. I gotta finish this thang one of these days and post it all together in order.

Trans man reader, alcohol mention, food mention. All that and more right here below the cut:

"Joined for you," Simon grunts, settling in on the couch in front of you, dark eyes intense. "We was passin' by one of your practices and watched you get flattened by Roy four times in a row, but you just, 'opped right back up grinnin’. Johnny and I both thought you'd be a lad worth knowin'. Was right too." "Aw, sentimental much, Si," you tease. "Got yourself saddled with a runt just because you liked watching me get stomped on, eh?" "He likes doin' the stompin'," Johnny laughed. "Nightmare in bed, LT. Wouldna believe wha he puts me through." He drops the plates on a clear spot on the table and drops onto the couch beside Simon. "You probably deserve it," you tease, not really thinking about it. Not expecting Johnny to sit up straight and look at you like that, his blue eyes feverish, excited. "Oh aye?" He asked. "You think so do ye? You'd be real mean to me too, would ya?" "Easy, Johnny," Simon rumbles, gripping Johnny by the back of the neck. "He started it." You roll your eyes. "Did not." "Ye cannae tell a man you'd be mean ta him and say ye didna start it, Ripper. S'not playin' fair." "Didna say that. Said you deserved what Simon gives you. Not the same thing." "Pretty well the same. Got me all excited just the same." You give Simon a look. "Youd think he'd be tired after all that running around." "Never to tired to flirt, this one." Simon gave Johnny a little shake. "But 'e's a good boy." "Course he is. Johnny's our best boy." You drop into your chair and crack open your beer, grinning at the scandalized look on Johnny's face. "That one was on purpose." "Sure was." "Wee bastard. Dinnae even care what you're doin' ta me." "Oh fuck off, Tav, you do these things to yourself." He grins, leaning forward to put some egg rolls and a pile of noodles on his plate. "Sure, but I think of ye the whole time." You look at Simon, who's apparently hardly paying attention at all while his boyfriend flirts with you, more shameless than ever. You gesture at him, shaking your head. "You've got all this at home, and you're still going to flirt with anything you see, huh? Bit of a slag, Johnny." "You ever shagged a bloke, Rip?" Simon asks, before Johnny has a chance to come up with a response to that. "You only ever mention going out with girls." You snort. "Course I have." "Course ye have?" Johnny splutters. "What do ye mean? Like it's a fuckin' given?" "Johnny, settle down," Simon warns him. "S'just a question." You sip your beer and set it down, shaking your head. "I thought that's why we started hanging out,” you continue while you load up your own plate with greasy takeout, stomach growling. Chinese is pretty much the perfect meal after a game, better than pub food would have been. “We're the only queers in the club. I mean-- All my other friends are lesbians. Did you think I was just some kind of token straight guy?" “Fuck if I know, ye’ve never said as much,” Johnny says. “Would be rude to presume.” “Well, now you know,” you say, tossing the tv remote at him. “Find us something to watch.

#Would be rude to presume says Johnny #who spends every moment they're together flirting with Ripper shamelessly #WIP WEDNESDAY BAYBEE #The Good Ol' Rugby Game

[bengiyo]

Step By Step Ep 11 Stray Thoughts

Last week on HR Violations, Chot got Pat together about respecting people's feelings, and then received news that his fiancé is finally taking him home to see the parents after eight years in a beautiful scene worthy of Bruce. Pat confessed to Jeng with a gross carrot cake, but Jeng was checked out of most responsibility all episode. Rumors started to already at work, Jeng waffled, and now Pat has resigned. Also, Ae and Khanun got married, and she gave Beam closure.

See, and this is why I felt the need to write last week. Rumors about Jeng end with him cornered in a meeting where executives tear him apart as his dad looks on. Even rumors that he's queer have cost this company money.

This is gross. They're worried about Fjord, who just hired them to use BL to sell their gas stations. This is what we're talking about with the underlying commentary in this show. The wealth class only wants marketable gays. Jeng is not allowed to be gay because of his position.

Jeng's dad has always known.

Not them using the gate as a barrier!!

It does make me really sad that Jeng has to admit that he can't protect Pat from any of this, because his judgement has been clouded. It's also sad that Pat had to do something drastic to force them to face this situation.

Oh, the hands fiends are gonna lose their minds this week.

Crying because they're all finally a team and Pat and Jeng aren't alone. Chot said, "Don't look at me like that. They have eyes!"

Oh my god a SWOT analysis.

So Put posted that picture huh?

Why does everyone have these loud conversations with the doors open?

I'm glad Pat finally handled Put, because dude needs to do his goddamn job.

SPIES AND THIEVES!!! Toh was the traitor all along!

We called it on Jeng holding the duties of heir so Jaab wouldn't be required to.

Ben and Saint have good scene chemistry.

Time for an Oishii ad break.

Okay, I love the office team. I don't mind Ying being a BL writer at all. I am enjoying everyone yelling.

Put and his conditions.

Hey, Put came through for them!

These hoes ain't loyal! Jeng bought their loyalty from Pat with a single meal!!!

Ope. Jen went all the way to Japan. The disappointments keep on coming.

Pat, that is clearly your father in a bad wig. What are you going to do with a broom?

We don't get gay boys and their dads that often. This is nice, even if the scene is a bit sad because the dad is foreshadowing the base conflict Pat and Jeng are facing.

The president is ruthless, and Jeng fell right into that trap when he used his own money for ads.

Pat isn't wrong. He can't stay here if his skills are always going to be in doubt.

Well, there's our breakup.

Okay! So Pat is going to work with Put for the next two years? This final episode is going to be messy. Still, I am enjoying this. Pat only seems to thrive in small teams. There's something to be said about how some of us just don't fit into corporate environments.

#step by step #step by step meta #thai bl #bl series #Ben watches

[theguardianace]

AROACE POLYSHO ???? SPILL SPILL SPILL TWLL ME ALL ABOUT IT PLEASE

AROACE POLYSHOW AROACE POLYSHOW THE GREATEST THING OF ALL TIME.

things of note that i think are fun.... nene and rui had major questioning phases pre-wxs about being aroace. i'd imagine nene being really confused why everyone around her seemed so interested in dating and romance and the whole amatanormative feel of dramatic media and such. it's in so many plays, and people get in so many shipping wars/draw suggestive art for games. it's hard to ignore as a theater kid and gamer. she didn't get it and felt isolated. she came across the term aroace online but had a hard time accepting that she might be that, but eventually silently embraced it. rui on the other hand knew full well he was not like other people. he's not the kind of guy who would pick and choose a crush that isn't there. being aroace and a middle/high schooler made him feel even more lonely and alienated from his peers. he agknowledged the fact he was aroace pretty easily, but it took him a lot longer to accept that isn't a bad thing at all.

emu and tsukasa had NO clue they were aroace. did not occur to them at all. emu had to be told it was a thing and she went "huh? OHHH THATS ME !!!! :D". skipped teh entire questioning/am i broken stage and went right to "hehehehehehe". (though other people don't believe her that often. emu is so full of love. how could someone like her not fall in love with other people? she's too young. she hasn't met the right person yet. it's just a phase. her siblings started off as ignorantly aphobic, but then realized the fault of their ways and learned.). my hc for tsukasa is a bit different than other peoples, but i am fully convinced he thought he was bisexual for teh LONGEST time. "guys and girls can both be good looking, so i must be bi! yeah the extent of my feelings is "they're cool" ... what do you mean that's not what a crush is". it was a shocking revelation to him that people actually want to kiss/have sex for real. he's accepted being aroace and actively embraces it, though he still feels connected to teh bi label. he'd like the concept of tertiary attraction and probably label as bi aroace, to honor both.

i like to think that tsukasa accidentally came out first (accidentally meaning he simply forgot to tell them and then was surprised when they were all surprised). emu was like !!!!! omg samsies and nene laughed and came out, too. wxs were the first people rui ever said the words "aromantic asexual" out loud to.

i personally think aroace polyshow never actually labeled themeselves as such, but BOY do tehy act like they're all married. they just care about each other soooooo much. its platonic its queer platonic its romantic its everything all blended together. if its them, they can do anything. with the shared knowledge of being aroace, they all also sort of feel more comfortable being openly affectionate, yknow? there's no risk of misinterpretation of intent- they love each other. they love each other in a way that they cannot describe and most people wouldn't understand. they are tied by their love of shows and their love of each other. emu is really physically affectionate and they all feel safe cuddling with her. rui lightheartedly flirts and half the time i dont think he even realizes he's doing it, the other half he's just trying to be silly. nene excels in the silent acts of love, making sure the stage is clean and there's always a few snacks backstage and honeslty just being there for everyone.

they have game night/sleepover every once in a while, usually during planning stages of shows. there's also a high likelyhood one goes to another's house at least once a week for some reason.

oh also they never do romance plays ever. it was a revelation tehy only came to after coming out. it just... never occured to them to do one. and now that they all know none of them can fall in love they actively try and avoid it. they've re-written fables to be about the power of friendship, or re-imagined the tale to the point romance wouldn't even be on anyone's mind. it's not a theme the audience ever picks up on, but at the same time they do? they don't realize the pattern but nobody ever comes out of a show with that interpretation. their shows are a hit every time, too. ("story" doesn't mean "romance", after all).

wonderlands x showtime isn't a romance. it's a love story.

#i LOVE aroace polyshow with all my heart #literally ask me anything about them and i will tell you they are just. mmmmm. theater kids in love none of them can fall in it. #ace answers an ask!

[idleorbitals]

OF ep 2 watch through ...part 2

(part 1)

sand he was inviting both of you *so* explicitly what is your move here. sand will complain repeatedly about this into the next scene but no one asked him to cancel his date. baby is in denial

side note ray enjoying begging sand so much?? side note also this is how we find out ray blacked out and sand left him their last night together? ouch

ohhhkay the extensive flirting in the car. "one night stand boy, huh?" sand patently enjoying himself /so/ much but whining the whole way. they are both in trouble and neither of them know it yet but sand is going to find out really soon and ray is not going to find out until they both are in much more trouble

top has trauma-induced insomnia and he's serious enough about it to make this face. I'm still proud of mew for checking if he was trying to pull one on him and then being kind about it when it seemed like he wasn't

alright tho didn't we just establish that your much comfier bed is right over there? mew no one did this to you but yourself

I like these mockumentary cutscenes more than I thought I would. mew silently smirking as he checks off boxes is doing heavy narrative lifting and I'm into it

the foreboding music the lighting the lingering on the photo of ray and mew boston what are you planning?? is he about to become a real antagonist? can't decide how I feel about this

ray is sort of into sand insulting him? is this because he doesn't have the power to hurt him yet or masochistic kink

...ray baby no. you're gonna be Learning

sand brings up the /who are you, my dad?/ except this time it's /who am I, your dad?/ convo again and ray makes this face:

alright

alright

oh here we. fokking go

sand going "what am I supposed to be, your hooker" and ray saying "sure" and sand doing soft surprised pikachu for like ten seconds. ray doubling down and sand telling him to save it. instead of saying "I don't sleep with people for money" he says "I sleep with people I like for free" and we send silent thanks to screenwriters who understand the sex industry and have the cultural vocabulary to write compelling nuanced and still quippy conversations about sex. not to be heterophobic but queer people make better tv

anyway sandray are both playing a game and they both keep getting surprised to be one-upped. this is a very enjoyable dynamic to watch and they seem to be enjoying it too

...for now

at minute 8:30 sand's last vocal sound leaves his mouth. for thirty full seconds ray smokes and asks him leading flirty questions including "am I interesting enough for you?" and "are you open to someone like me?" and for thirty full seconds sand looks from rays right eye to his left eye and back again and lowers and raises his jaw infinitesimally and just generally:

this boy is done for and I can't even be mean about it I'm right there with him

anyway at shortly after minute 9 they break the tension and kiss each other. they kiss each other! ray is the one leaning around from his cigarette to do khaotung's little smoke plume of high art but sand is very much matching him in coming in for this kiss. I love this framing so much. firstkhao have the absolutely ideal dynamic to pull this off*

*if anyone saw that one person copy pasting SANDRAYYYY SWITCHHH into the live comment box the entire end credits that wasn't me but I was there with them in spirit

they break away and sand says if they go further they won't just be friends and ray says some kinds of friendship start from sex you watched the same thing I watched I don't need to describe it but here I am. do you remember though that this was the look ray was giving sand while he said that because ho boy

sand pronouncing that ray is going to keep wanting him but they're going to stay just friends right after he says we won't be just friends after this...what level to tackle this on. narratively this definitely feels like foreshadowing and I think he's right on the money on the first bit. but we know that sand is not going to get out of this remotely unscathed whether or not it could possibly be argued that he hasn't already lost that battle. sand showing his hand by contradicting himself out loud as well as internally?

they stub out their cigarettes Significantly and start making out again. can't coherently screencap this scene. it's so excellently done. top notch dynamic again. firstkhao are getting better at this with every go.

ok I do have one minor gripe

for some reason in the middle of sand pushing ray back onto the couch they have inserted a shot of ray on top of sand. it is from the beat that comes after the last little mockumentary cutscene—it's not a double, it's the exact same shot, just colored differently. screenshots below from 10:11 and 11:02

editing mistake? intentional insert to lengthen the scene? I like this shot too but it breaks up the flow of the scene oddly and I want it gone from the first part

mockumentary cutscene: even harder to focus on when I know what's coming back on screen right after but worth mention. obviously sand is reflecting on some past mistakes here. he knows he's playing with fire and he's denying it vocally and also not changing his behavior. self-awareness level relatable honestly. do we think he fell in love with someone he didn't want to? or fell in love freely and then got screwed over? why is he mr. one night stand boy

also don't know whether to credit ray or khaotung for this longest gayest look ever at his own pants. sublime

okay back to the couch for our not-quite-ten-second final indulgence. ray's on top this time. I don't even like sex scenes that much I know what I am saying

I see, like sand's, my words are not matching my actions. and yet

*trembling* sandray.... switch....

all ofts watch throughs

#ofts #only friends the series #ofts meta #firstkhaotung #raysand #sandray #that devolved a little #also it took me so long to finish i took two breaks and posted snippets forgive me #i'm overflowing with um. i don't even know #consider me truly fucked over by this show #where did my saturday go anyhow #ofts watch through

[autisticblueteam]

Appears from the ether again, after months of only being present enough to fill my queue up, with some WIP snippets from the gen:LOCK re-write I mentioned before...

And also finally adressing these tags lmao, sorry @thesouppond I realise these are like 3 months old.

#FUCK IM JUST SEEING THIS NOW???#FUCK YEAH 2024 SEASON OF EVERYONE GETS TO REWRITE GENLOCK CAUSE FUCK S2#Ahem anyway hi genlock moot :)))#I love your writing btw! Ive read your existing GL fics theyre great!#at this point if someone can give me a GL fic i havent already met I will forever be indebted to you i am DYING for GL content

We're really out here trying our best to do better by GL than HBO did huh!! I've been loving Reloaded, it was so nice to see someone else pop up in the gL tag after it was comparatively dead for so long. I've been working on my re-write since just after s2 came out and it was lonely in there for a while there lmao.

So I'm glad you enjoyed the couple of fics I've already done! I'm re-using parts of one of them for the actual re-write since I'm going for the 'keep the basic bones of s2 but aim to fix the execution into something less shit/re-work the worst bits' and I didn't want to write that first nemesis fight over again from total scratch lmao...

I want to finish writing all of the re-write before I post it in full, but that does mean it's taking forever whoops.

I'm still not past the introduction of Sinclair as his portion is so involved and I keep getting distracted by other projects/hobbies, but I did finally get to a point where my take on Sinclair is actually fun to write! I'm keeping his boyfriend because I did at least like that Sinclair was made canonically queer and they're actually cute when I'm just doing my own thing.

So since I feel like posting some WIP bits, here's my favourite Chris/Sinclair stuff I've done so far.

“YEAH! Take that you fucked up tin can!” Sinclair winced. The shout was like an ice pick being driven into his skull, but it was also what finally drove him to lift his head. There ahead of him, wielding a large piece of debris in one hand, was a heavyset Asian man dressed in torn clothes and covered in grime. He reared back, and for a split second Sinclair thought that projectile was for him, until he heard an impact, and the last of the humming died. The man brushed off his hands, pride written on every feature, and in that moment he was the most beautiful thing Sinclair had ever seen. “Coast’s clear!” the stranger called behind him. There was movement, but Sinclair didn’t care to look, his attention caught by the man’s approach. “And we’ve got a live one.” Sinclair’s throat was so dry he broke down coughing twice, in the time it took the stranger to kneel in front of him. “I-I’m not Union. I-I know— with the uniform, and the—” Another violent burst of coughing cut him off. The stranger handed him a canteen and a crooked smile. “Yeah, no shit. You’ve got way too much emotion on your face to be even a defector,” he said, and if Sinclair wasn’t so busy chugging the offered water, he might have mustered a laugh. “That, plus, the lack of helmet, the collapsing, and the drone getting ready to turn you into a novelty cheese grater kinda gave it away.” “Christ, I could kiss you right now,” Sinclair blurted and then regretted in quick succession. Fuck. He’d been in near solitary too long, his filter had worn away to nothing and he was making a damn fool of himself in front of the first sane people he’d seen in weeks. Except the stranger just… laughed, good-naturedly. “Close, the name’s Chris, not Christ. And I’d say buy me dinner first, but it’s a bit hard out here.”

AND then a little later...

“What about the refugee railroads?” Chris lowered his beer bottle and wiped his mouth. “Too far.” “Vanguard safe crossings?” “Too far.” “The— fucking Canadian border?” Chris laughed, “Too far. Further than either of the other things. Jesus, dude. You sure you haven’t got a concussion?” “Mostly,” Sinclair said, rubbing his face with his intact hand. “I just— you’re going to die if you stay here. A drone only has to get lucky once.” “And if we go deeper in, we’ll only die faster,” Chris said with a simple shrug. “We already have to pack up and move every few weeks when the line moves. And every time, the Polity border gets a little bit further away. Believe me, man, I want nothing more than to get outta here, but it’s just not happening.” “What if I helped?” The offer fell out before he’d consciously decided to make it, but Sinclair stood by it. Even when Chris looked at him dubiously. “No offence, dude, but you’re just one guy. And two days ago you could barely stand.” “And now I’m fine,” Sinclair insisted. “I’m a soldier. I was decorated for valour after I got my squad out of a run-in with the Union that should’ve killed us all. I was the only one who could even still hold a gun. I swear, I could get you somewhere safe. Are you really telling me you’d rather keep sitting around waiting to die than take a risk?” Chris’s brow furrowed, and he didn’t answer immediately, taking another swig from his scratched up bottle of beer. Sinclair sighed. “Look. I need to get to a Vanguard base one way or another. I don’t want to leave you guys behind if I don’t have to. I owe you my life. And maybe dinner.” Chris almost choked on his drink. “Wow,” he laughed, clearing his throat, “you sure pick your moments, huh?” Sinclair shrugged. “Figure if you’re not actually into it I’ll just blame the concussion.” “That you don’t have.” “Exactly.” Chris rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. “Smooth. Smooth operator. Alright, alright, fine, we’ll talk to the others in the morning. It might be a tougher sell when they’re not the ones getting dinner with a hot soldier out of it, but hey, guess we’ll see.” “Are you looking past the just-got-done-being-tortured chic, here, or is that part of the charm?” “Are you kidding? There’s a whole genre focused on how hot soldier guys look after they’ve been through hell.” “Not sure that’s the intended takeaway of action movies.” “Well,” Chris shrugged, starting to pick at a can of food, “it was definitely my takeaway.” Sinclair laughed. Honest-to-god laughed, in a way he was surprised he was even capable of after the last few weeks. The normality of the moment was like a balm on all the aching parts of him, mental and physical alike. For a moment he could almost forget that the reason he looked like shit was because he’d just escaped the worst experience of his life. For a moment it felt like the fight was over.

Now I just have to actually get through the remainder of my Sinclair set-up and then I'll be only one chapter away from finishing the first half of the fic... so close and yet so far lmao.

#blue is a writer #fic: the only me is me #gen:lock #each part is meant to be like a single season. so part 1 is like a new season 2 and part 2 is like a season 3 #and if i ever actually finish this. i might plan out a 'season 4' #the ending i have planned sets me up for it #i have grand ambitions and so little ability to sit down and just get it done LMAO

[willbyersdevotee]

Will Byers cooking but make it hcs and mental images.

Steve used to babysit him, right after the UD incident, and one night he was particularly tired because of school and stuff, so he ended up falling asleep on the couch while they were watching a movie.

Will was a really quiet kid, not to mention kind, so he obviously didn't wake Steve up once he got hungry, he just went to the kitchen and got to work, careful not to make too much noise

Then Steve wakes up, panics, checks the time, panics again because oh shit that's right I forgot about dinner, finds Will in the kitchen and “???”

Will on the other hand is humming quietly to himself and serving two, extremely inviting, plates of scrambled eggs, grilled cheese and a bowl of salad

he sees Steve (who's sort of like.. staring because this kid looks like he knows what he's doing, and thats fucking weird??) and smiles at him, asks him if he slept well and stuff

so then they sit down for dinner and everything is so good Steve almost couldn't belive little Will Byers had cooked it all on his own

and then they talk and Steve asks where and why he learned to cook and Will tells him that

he sort of... had to learn to cook, with Jonathan and Joyce working a lot and him being home alone more often than not

plus he wants to help how he can, and if that's by letting them worry about one less thing then so be it

so by 11 he could make eggs, grilled cheese, various kinds of pasta etc. etc. The basics, really.

(Steve, rich kid Steve who never had to worry about things like that, ESPECIALLY not at Will's age, teared up a whole lot little.)

I'm such a sucker for Steve and Will tbh, I want more of them, I want Steve to look at this child and decide he'll protect him with his life.

TW: MENTIONS OF LONNIE BYERS//

Now, since we can't not mention him, Lonnie. He never wanted Will to cook said it was a woman's job, not a man's, used to tell him it'd just turn him into more of a queer.

END TW (yeah I didn't have much to say about this)

may I also raise you: Will cooking/backing snacks for the Party

Some more potential for s3 angst huh :)

him making a snacks for the campaign and everyone ditching him :)

BUT we also have WONDER TWINS!! WOOO!!!!

Will teaching El how to bake and cook<3

it's a little hobby they share and bond over

El asks him to teach her how to make herself useful so they start doing chores together and stuff <3

#will byers #stranger things #steve harrington #will byers hcs #el byers #el hopper #og party #byler #stranger things 4 #mike wheeler #lucas sinclair #dustin henderson #eleven #willel

[megaawkwardhuman]

GUESS WHAT'S FINALLY HERE BITCHESSSSSSSSS!?!?!?

after a rollercoaster of a week for me y'all have NO IDEA how happy this makes me to say but

THE TRAILER FOR SEASON 5 IS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and that means looking far too much into it!!!!! :D

OK so I have A LOT of thoughts so I'm going to do bullet points

right off the bat (hehehhe bat) nandor never fucking change XD love how he thought that would work

oh yeah speaking of nandor we have a scary lack of him in the trailer or at least what he's going to do this season (mom pick me up I'm scared for my cringefail)

to say what's on everyone's mind OH MY FUCKING GOD FINALLY LET'S GOOOOOOO

MY BOY DID IT HE'S GOING TO BE A VAMPIRE DFOJWEBOKFHEJBKGREHIWLGJHIGKFEIYWLEGUKFELIQPEGDFKIELYUQ;OWDGFKLHI3U1;O

well at some point? by the looks of it we're kinda getting a have your cake and eat it too when it comes to guillermo being a vampire and ngl kinda upset about it if it's going how I think it's going

I swear if he's practically normal until the very fucking end I will raise HELL

also I love how chaotic his turning is XD

"I WASN'T READY" NOBODY IS

colin for office babyyyyyyyy

I see everyone talking about colin and nadja BUT WHY IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT THIS IJRBH302HGOUFRHI3YGUFE3HI2PUO LMFAOOOOOOO XD

also (DON'T QUOTE ME ON THIS) I think this is the first time we're seeing colin flirt/do anything remotely romantic or whatever to a dude in the show (which confirms that every main character is queer but we already knew that lol)

the scene with the microphone woke me up (well so did vamp guillermo but the mic REALLY woke me up)

so the guy in the promo WAS nandor huh

WLW NADJA LET'S GOOOOOO

love how outdated laszlo's medical stuff is

YAY HE'S NOT GOING TO WEAR ONLY SWEATERS SO HE'S POSSIBLY NOT GOING TO GO BACK IN CHARACTER AS I FEARED

d-did nandor bring guillermo to a basketball game out of jealousy?

IS THAT A HAMMER!?!?!

NANDOR WTF ARE YOU GONNA DO!?!?!?!?!?!??!

nadja pouring coffee on her date's plate XD

ayyyy the sire!

ok I'm assuming part of nadja's and colin's plots will revolve around getting a date??????

THE MALL

I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SEE THE VAMPIRES AT A MALL FOR A WHILE NOW JBIFEWE2OBJFEOGHPI2EFBEJOHIP2E THIS MAKES ME SOOO HAPPY

I'm assuming the store nandor is at is a hot topic/spencer's stand in

if it is PLZ LET THERE BE A LOOKING AT THE BACK OF SPENCER'S SCENE (for those who have never step foot in a spencer's it's basically a common mall store that has edgy shit and the back is known for having sex toys and other nsfw shit in it think of it as the edgy older brother of hot topic)

"that's how we all learn" UHHH TF!??!

glad to see laszlo accept guillermo and help him learn how to vampire :) (let's hope the others will)

also NANDOR YOU SAW NOTHING

DAAAAAAMN COLIN JESUS FUCK

by the looks of it nadja and colin's plots will at some point involve dating??????

AWWWWWW charmaine is supportive of sean

this has been said a million times but NANDOR IS FUCKING CUTE IN HIS SEAN COMING OUT OUTFIT!!!!!! THE LITTLE BELLY!!!!!!!

if I remember correctly (AND I REALLY HOPE I'M WRONG) but the last time we saw nandor THIS happy was during the wellness canter cluster fuck so I'm REALLY glad he's going to be happy this season

YOOOO SEASON 4.5?????? (1 I know it was a talk show in 4.5 2 yeah I made this joke already XD)

WHY IS NADJA A BLONDE?????

theory: whatever happened the guide is happening to nadja

the only thing to back it up: they both be blonde

AW SHIT WHY IS THERE A COP CAR?????

THE GUIDEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COLIN X NADJA!?!!!?!?

I MEAN SURE I GUESS???????????????

YEAH SAME GUILLERMO

I'm assuming that what he said is in reaction to him being told he's a dhampir or he's immune or something like that

SHE'S TRYING TO GET SOMEONE TO FUCK HER GHOST

hUh weird but ok????

and finally WHAT'S WITH THE MOON SHIT?????

theory: guillermo only shows signs of being a vampire at night which is why he can go out during the day without being burnt to a crisp

overall IJOHEU2P1HIWJBGEU21RPHI2JLGRHILUFHIPUWEQJFU9WGFJDKHIEPQKFVDVGJR THIS HAS BEEN ON MY MIND ALL DAY HOW TF AM I GOING TO BE NORMAL I HAVE A PARTY TODAY?????? 😭😭😭

CAN'T WAIT DEPOJWBJDOEEFBOOEFONFEONFE

#sorry this took a bit to post since funnily enough I was at the mall #and I couldn't work on the draft AT ALL #in fact what I wrote on the way there got fucked up and even after I got home it wouldn't save :( #BUT HERE IT IS NOW #what we do in the shadows #wwdits #guillermo de la cruz #nandor the relentless #colin robinson #laszlo cravensworth #nadja of antipaxos #the guide #wwdits spoilers #wwdits season 5 #wwdits s5 spoilers #wwdits season 5 spoilers #wwdits s5 #word garbage™ #NOBODY TALK TO ME I'M FREAKING OUT ABOUT GAY VAMPIRES #ok time to unbox everything I got at the mall now since it's been just lying on my bed lol

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

You know what. I said this in the comments but I'm gonna say it out here because I think people need to see it. I've seen a lot of bitching from Izzy stans when I come across them that people are getting "harassed" (read: criticized) for liking Izzy. And then they go off on this big tangent about how dare you say x y z when I relate to Izzy. I think what those people are missing is that when people talk about homophobia or racism in the show, they're doing the exact same thing that you are doing, which is to say, relating the show back to their lived experiences.

I'm gonna use the homophobia here because I can only really speak for myself, but I'm sure the same applies to when black and brown fans talk about racism.

I'm a flamboyant gay man (I'm also trans and disabled, which informs some of the things I'm about to say but I'm focusing on the homophobia). I have been called a bitch more times than I can count, I have been told I'm lazy and good for nothing, I've been called a monster, a freak, a dyke, a tranny, you name it I've been called it. The characters I happen to relate to most in Our Flag Means Death are Lucius and Ed, for reasons unrelated to all of that. So for me watching the show and Izzy walks up to Lucius right after he's just gotten done fucking Black Pete and says "you're a bitch now get back to work" I can be forgiven for looking at Lucius and saying "Damn I've been there, girl." But for some fucking reason when I make a post saying, essentially that Izzy is giving off homophobic vibes, and I personally as someone who has been through that shit find it weird that some people didn't pick up on that but whatever" for some reason Izzy stans take that as a personal fucking attack, and then they attack back and then I have to block a bunch of people and it's a whole thing.

And then I'll see them complaining about "Older queers and closet cases relate to him so you can't talk shit about him" and I'm like good for you but I'm also a queer and I relate to Ed as a queer and Izzy objectively screamed at him about how he was pathetic and soft because he was sad about his boyfriend. I've been yelled at for being pathetic because of being with my partner. Why is it that when I talk about that I get lambasted for it.

So Izzy stans, I genuinely want to know. Why for thee and not for me, huh? Why is it that when I relate this show back to my personal experiences you perceive it as an attack, but when you relate to this character no one is ever allowed to say anything mean about him. And if you talk about main tagging even once you're getting blocked because some of the shit you guys put in the Ed Teach tag is unhinged so that's another layer of hypocrisy.

Final thing. None of what I've said here means you can't like Izzy. I love Calico Jack and he's gay and homophobic. None of this is an attack. I'm just talking about my experiences. And yeah. I know I'm opening myself up to harassment by putting this in the Izzy tag. but I'm hoping that we can all have a mature conversation about it. And I'm not gonna tag this izzy critical. I've only said things that are objectively true and it's not really about him it's about why you guys are always crying so damn loud that I somehow hear it.

#ofmd #izzy hands #our flag means death #also yes calling a gay man a bitch because he's gay is in fact a homophobic slur #cry about it

[jamietxrtt]

episode three. SO MUCH IS HAPPENING.

GAY COLIN GAU GCCOLIN GAY COLIN CAY GOLK.NNNZNSFKDJNDSFJSDFNSEMFKJSF

THEY KISSED!!!! THEY KISSED ONSCREEN!!!! i knew we were gonna get gay colin from the filming spoilers but OH MY GOD. AN ACTUAL QUEER KISS. ON SCREEN. IN TEDLASSO. ASHDHASDFHDFSSMGHKJWRBGKRWGWREGNWR

so curious about who his boyfriend is??? why is he casually flying to dubai??

also the first time i watched this i mistook it for being jamie’s house and i was like HOLD ON HANG ON A MINUTE HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE

he looks so nervous when walking from the door to the car like he’s trying to hide from anybody else around but. babe you think they won’t notice your bright orange lamborghini??? like i think you have to be more worried about getting caught when ur IN the car not out of it

THE INTRO FAKEOUT ALSKJFLSDJGRKGJERG

“if my maths” roy nods “are correct” roy shakes his head. i think bc it’s supposed to be plural? i’m american idk

also!! roy encouraging ted with that little nod was actually really cute and sweet!!

OHHHHHHH ROY SAID COLIN’S A CHAMELEON. OHHHHHHH. see the first time i watched this i heard “colin’s a comedian” and i was like huh this must be some football terminology i don’t know. you call someone who’s a really versatile player a comedian? hm that’s a funny name. well football is wacky!

in s2 jamie calls roy a “grumpy old twat” and ted says “now i agree with the grumpy part, but those other two i take issue with.” now in s3 roy calls jamie a “fragile little bitch” and ted just says “yep that’s what i meant, thanks roy”. part of a pattern of ted defending roy but not defending jamie in the same circumstances-- which is honestly fair, i get why he’d like roy better, but it’s an interesting pattern to notice

ted calling higgins “higgie bear” :)

“fuck yeah, princess diaries!” reminds me of beard in s1 “fuck yeah, the gershwins!”

jamie literally physically getting pushed out by zava aww

also “come on, hurry up and get dressed, we don’t want to keep our newest teammate waiting!” smash cut directly to everyone being kept waiting by said teammate

ted referencing richmond VA made me laugh bc that’s the first thing i always think of when i hear richmond lmao

HEHEHEHEHE KEELEY CLEARLY HAS A BIT OF A CRUSH ON ZAVA. her sticking her hand straight out with the little “hii!!!!!” girl can’t get over those hot famous footballers can she

and SHANDY’s into him too. everyone is stunned by zava

except, it seems, rebecca… right after zava says “you are the glue” to higgins, she gets this look on her face like she’s realizing something… it made me think back to last episode, where she talked about how rupert had the ability to make you feel special, like you were chosen just because he deigned to talk to you, and how that made you addicted to his attention. i think she’s now seeing that zava’s doing the exact same thing-- he knows exactly what to say to make everyone charmed, to make everyone feel special. to make his approval the most important thing you could get. i think that’s why rebecca is one of the few who’s immune to his charm-- she’s had plenty of practice resisting that kind of manipulation.

“how did the damage control go?” “oh it was a mess, but he was adorable” ALSKJFLKSDJF SAME SHANDY

everyone keeps having very interesting reactions to shandy. keeley says “we work together” and they’re still like ??? and then she says “and we’re old friends” and they’re like oh NOW it makes sense. both higgins did it and later the boys when she’s talking to them about the interview stuff. and possibly rebecca did something similar last episode but i can’t remember. i think it’s meant to show how they don’t really think she’s super professional so they need an extra bit of explanation for WHY she’s working with keeley? i wonder if that will become a point of tension between them. “you keep telling everyone i’m your friend like you needed some excuse to hire me, like i’m not good enough just on my own, so you have to explain why i’m here. do you actually think i’m capable of this or are you just pitying me? why did you offer me the job if you don’t actually think i’m capable of doing this?”

my first reaction when zava walked into the locker room: “ah, so zava is jesus”

i like the bit where he keeps standing in front of ted ASKJFLKSJF i found that funny

calling the kitman “the most important person in the room” interesting contrast to s1 jamie and the rest of the guys who always tormented the kitman. zava is self absorbed and possibly insidious but in a very different way

also when he gestures to jamie like he thinks jamie is the kitman and roy sees it and smiles ASLDFJLKSJ ROY. also jamie’s look after zava points at him like “bitch?” and the way he looks to roy like “can you believe this shit?”

“i too worked as a ballboy when i was eleven years old” “i’m… twenty five” see this is a perfect example of the insidiousness of zava!! he’s claiming to appreciate will but infantilizes and disrespects him in the process… it’s a very “aww, aren’t you adorable” kind of smug demeaning attitude… but done through the cover of appreciating him, so it still looks like he’s a good guy

the joke of him letting out the breath and everyone else running out of air ASLKFJLKDSJFLKDSJFLSDKFj as a singer i appreciate that joke so much…. like how much fkn lung capacity do you HAVE

ted looking to roy to talk to zava ALKSDJFLKDSJFLSDKJFSDLJFDSLJF and then roy’s “you’re the fucking coach!!”

all the boys in the back peering into the coaches office ASKDJFLSDKJFLSK

i never understand any of the jokes in this show AKLSJFLSKFJSLD i’m so unknowledgeable about pop culture the references always fly right over my head

hi this is just to remind everyone that hannah waddingham is an excellent actor. every time i see one of her face journeys they’re just so immaculate. her reaction shots are always SO GOOD. you can always clearly see exactly what she’s thinking but without it being hammy or over the top. she’s perfect at it

“because your mother was a skeptic” lmaooo, you can see how much rebecca LOVES being told that she’s more like her mother than she thought she was aSLDKFSDLKFJS

like i realize that tish is a scam artist but i also kind of love her for the aesthetic alone. i would kill to live in this house

as SOON as tish said “there’s thunder and lightning” i immediately thought “you deserve someone who makes you feel like you’ve been struck by fucking lightning”

“you’re drenched and you’re upside down but you’re safe” it’ll be scary and you’ll be turned around but it’s okay, love is worth it, you’re safe

i thought the “you’re going to be a mother” thing was gonna pull rebecca back but i’m proud of her for recognizing it as the control/scam tactic it is. identifying the thing your client cares about most (tish talks to deborah once a month so she’d probably know that rebecca has always wanted kids, or otherwise it’s not a hard thing to guess would be a sore subject given the rupert drama, and the fact that rupert now has a kid with someone besides her, is public knowledge), whether it be kids, a dead loved one, money, fate, etc, and using that as leverage to get them to stay, thereby giving them false hope about something genuinely important to them-- like say, communicating with a dead loved one-- and setting them up to be crushed just so you can get them to stay and keep paying you.

however i’m still unclear on how much the show wants us to be on tish’s side bc later the green matchbox thing comes true so?????

shandy confronting roy about the breakup AHHHHH girl i know you’re trying to help by defending keeley but you are putting her in a SO MUCH MORE AWKWARD POSITIONNNN

keeley has spent the whole season so far trying to paste a fake smile on top of a situation she feels is spiraling out of her control :(

beard’s little HEHEHEHEHEHE after he tricks ted about the wordle ASKLDJFLKDSJFDSLK I LOVE HIM

also you can tell how long s3 was in production because they made this when wordle was still the big craze lololol

when jamie says “i think we’ve got a good thing going here, and zava’s already fucking it all up!” roy gives an interesting look. i took it to mean “i agree but i don’t like the fact that i agree with fucking jamie”

“thanks for hearing me out” “thanks for speaking your mind! please continue to do so!” reminds me of ted in s2 to sam “you are a leader on this team. i want you to speak your mind.”

“i weren’t being ironic, i was being hypocritical” jamie corrects people on language twice in this ep (later he corrects roy with prima donna vs pre-madonna), which is interesting because of his historical difficulties with language (nail in the ashes, instant caramel, etc). i wonder if he’s been trying to pay more attention to that? or if this is supposed to say that jamie has been smarter than everyone thought all along and he’s just been playing dumb? (like how when beard asks him “isn’t that a bit ironic?” he says “...i dunno” as if he’s too thick to get what beard means when he says ironic. but then later when he says “i wasn’t being ironic, i was being hypocritical,” it both shows that he DID understand what beard meant, and also that he’s smart enough to correctly label the interaction himself. so then why didn’t he just say that earlier, why did he pretend like he didn’t get what beard meant by ironic? maybe this is supposed to say that he was pretending in the past, too. …or maybe i’m reading too much into this bc i love him lololol)

also the fact that jamie was freely able to admit he was being hypocritical!! like he understands that he was the same way in s1, but when he was the same way (it’s all about me, just give me the ball and i’ll win all the games for us, you all are just my backup dancers) it was seen as a huge problem and a red flag and a detrimental effect on the locker room. and now when zava does the same thing it’s okay? like jamie understands that he was the same way, but he also understands that the way he was was WRONG. so why is it not still wrong when zava does it?

“now remember, this 4-5-1 is not about dropping back. it’s about getting fucking service into the box for zava” and the fact that they have penalties: zava, free kicks: zava, corners: zava, is all verrrrry interesting. because jamie in s1 was the same way! “Look, our whole offense right now is all give-and-go. Give the ball to Jamie and everyone else can go to hell.” which is literally now the strategy they have with zava!!! but when that was the case with jamie, it was seen as a HUUUGE PROBLEM that needed to change! why is it fine when it’s zava in that place instead?

isaac asking colin if he was alright is very very sweet. i love a good captain and friend <3

also written on the board “make this match your match-terpiece” i love teddd that’s so cute

and then zava breaking up the hand circle to make them put their hands on HIM and HE takes the richmond on three instead of the captain…… mmmmm don’t like it

when jamie lingers behind and gives ted that “told ya so” look AKLSJDFLKSDFJ. remind me of when sam did the same thing in s2 when jamie first came back

also i can’t tell what beard says right after that so if anyone else can make it out pls lmk

“i can’t remember michelle’s cell phone number.” “OHHHH.”

that trump impression was so painful. but i think it was supposed to be

also he calls her “michelle keller” which is very interesting, i don’t think we’ve ever learned her maiden name, bc ted still has her in his phone as “michelle lasso”

the look on jake’s face when he realizes it’s ted. he’s just like “and that’s when i knew i fucked up”

“dr jacobs?” “yeah, uh, you can just call me jake!” ASLKFDJSLKDJFSKD YEAH I’LL BET BUDDY u are so getting your license revoked

and then him begging michelle to take the phone and that whispered “it’s ted” and then it’s MICHELLE’S turn to go “and that’s when i knew i fucked up”

laurel pointed this out to me but henry picking jamie’s number for his soccer team is so cuteeeee

i do like michelle and jake’s little mouthed conversation “i’m sorry” “no, i’m sorry”

ted listening over the phone to jake saying “come on, bud. you ever seen a subaru…” and you can tell his heart is just breaking bc it should be HIM driving henry to his soccer game

when zava told jamie “get open, i will find you” i genuinely thought that meant he was going to pass to jamie and was trying to win jamie over too by giving him chances to score. but obviously not. he was just fucking with his head a think.

also did he slap jamie’s ass????????

ted on the verge of another panic attack :(((((((

and just as a jamie stan i really hate how zava’s halfway line goal kinda shows up jamie’s amazing penalty goal from last season but that’s just me being biased ALSJDFLKDSJFKD

dani on zava’s back is so cuteeee

YESSSS I LOVE A MONTAGE

jamie walking into them meditating and then walking right back out asKLFDJSLFJSKJFSASLKDFJSLKDJF that was so funny

also love how the whiteboard in that scene just says “OM”

saw someone comparing zava to a mini cult leader and yeah tbh true

ted facebook stalking his ex’s new man while drinking alone in his apartment :( ted baby no this is not the way

rebecca’s “what the fuck am i doing?” look when she catches herself looking for the green matchbook SKLJFLKSJF

colin texting his boyf in the locker room that’s risky man, anyone could look over ur shoulder

fucking zava stealing jamie’s first goal of the season makes me so mad. again this is just bc i’m a jamie stan. but still

aaaand roy definitely notices when zava steals that goal and doesn’t look too enthused about it. again i think he’s kind of agreeing with jamie that zava is not cool but doesn’t want to admit that he’s agreeing with jamie. (i think this is all leadup to him offering to train jamie later on, like he wants jamie to best zava too)

again allow me to be a jamie stan for a minute: them winning for the first time at man U…. an AWAY GAME at man u…….. so IN MANCHESTER….. and zava scored a hat trick, meaning nobody else scored….. so jamie didn’t score….. while in manchester….. do u see where i’m going with this

RUPERT BEX BABY

dani mimicking zava with the snapping is very very cute

DANI MADE ZAVA A FRIENDSHIP BRACELET… SO CUTE

colin and his boyf (michael?) being “wingman” for each other…. mmm not a bad cover story! interesting that they had that so rehearsed, wonder how often they use that line

beard ordering “a single and a double…. a triple….” just like ted did back in the gala ep HAHAHA

beard and jane continue to make me uncomfortable

roy noticing jamie sitting alone and going to talk to him is actually really sweet….

JAMIE EARRINGS??? I DIDN’T REALIZE HE HAD HIS EARS PIERCED

also jamie forever with the icon branded stuff ALSKFJSLKFJSDLKFJ

“god’s gift to people who have everything” very interesting to me that jamie phrases it like this, because…. doesn’t he also kinda have everything????? he’s mega stupid rich. what does he mean by “everything”?

“you used to be the best. now you’re not. it happens.” roy knows this from experience, jamie. the same thing happened to him. also i like his little nod on this line. he’s genuinely trying to be supportive. it’s very sweet :) i like roy trying to give jamie some guidance, i think it’s very sweet

also jamie “you thought i was the best?” hehehe he cares what roy thinks… roy’s always gonna be his childhood hero from his poster <3

roy’s “but only if you fuckin’ mean it” to jamie is the same thing he said to phoebe’s soccer team last season hehe

“yeah, she’s great, i love how not shy she is” and rebecca is immediately like OPE BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT ALSKFJLKSDJFSD

keeley and rebecca looking at sam, then roy, then jamie…. you ever have a nightmare where all your exes are in the same room? keeley and rebecca live in that every day ALSDKFJDSLKFJDSLJFSDLKF

the two of them realizing “wow, we truly are both in the most awkward of situations here” is very funny ASKLDJFLKSDJFSD

wtf was that thing about avocados about? where did zava get avocados from? i don’t get this interaction what is it trying to say

noticed a little continuity error lol. when sam is receiving the matchboxes you can see beard and jane behind him just sitting and talking but then in the very next shot they’re making out and she shoved him away lol

MIND UR OWN BUSINESS TRENT. MIND UR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.

man. SO MUCH happened this ep. these 50 minute episodes are gonna kill me

#ted lasso #ted lasso spoilers

[sibillascribbles08]

Alright, here's some very sad dad, aka Mr. Song, aka Jase's dad. We're going back to the thing that happened before Jase stopped seeing him for like two years.

And going to give the Content Warning: This work contains some homophobic language and a whole bunch of internalized homophobia. No self harm, but there is something that's misread as self harm. Also some adult/suggestive language near the bottom (these men are sluts what can I tell you) but nothing explicit.

Anyway the first chunk is crunchier than a walnut shell so I'm just gonna go ahead and slap on that read more. Have fun??? Idk

“Birthday was going fine until you called.” 

Jae-Won didn’t know why that sentence drove such a hammer through his chest. It wasn’t the first time Jase spoke to him with such disdain. It wasn’t the first time their phone calls turned sour. 

But it became so frequent now. And this was after Jase said he was too busy to come visit for the week and Jae-Won allowed it because he didn’t want his son thinking he’d try to force him to do anything. 

He just wanted to check in, wish him a Happy Birthday, maybe talk about future plans if the kid was up for it. Why did it have to go this way? 

But he refused to break over the phone. “O-oh? Sorry.” He gave a faint laugh and began to pace around his bedroom. “I guess you’re busy right now, huh?” His fingers looped around his beaded necklace. “I can let you get back to it and check in later.” 

“Why bother?”

His steps halted, the heels of his sandals digging into the carpet. “What?”

Jason raised his voice. “I said why bother? Why do you keep doing this?”

Panic gripped Jae-Won’s throat. “Jase—” 

“Why don’t you just take all your shit and get out of my life already?” 

His hand let go of his necklace. The other one almost dropped the phone. It hung loose in his grip as his limbs went numb. 

What could he even say to that? No? I’m sorry? What would he even be apologizing for, being himself? 

Sorry that I’m like this? Sorry your father’s too queer to ever be normal? Sorry I’m a raging embarrassment to you and the rest of my family? 

Tears burned in his eyes and he clenched his fist to hold them back. No, saying all of that wouldn’t matter. Because he couldn’t change who he was, not now. He needed to think about Jase. The kid was almost an adult, and if he decided he didn’t want to see his father anymore, there was nothing Jae-Won could do to stop that. 

The kinder thing to do would be to let him go while Jase was asking for it. 

“Okay.” He finally forced the words out and cleared his throat to keep his voice from wavering. It barely worked. “If… that’s what you want, then okay. Just… if you ever need anything, you can always reach out to me, okay kiddo?” 

“Yeah,” Jase mumbled. And the silence hung in the air like a guillotine. “Whatever.” 

And that single, uncaring word was all it took for Jae-Won’s heart to shatter on the floor. 

Not that he let it show, but he certainly couldn’t breathe a word. And after another agonizing pause, the line finally cut off. 

Jae-Won lowered his phone to stare at his screen. The words flashing to say the call had been disconnected, right below a picture of his son with the first gundam figure he put together. 

He couldn’t really feel anything. The silence in his room droned on for so long he could hear the faint ringing in his ears. Tears stayed in his eyes but they didn’t fall. 

His phone remained idle for so long, the screen finally went black. 

Jae-Won stared at his reflection. At the eye-liner and eyeshadow on his face, the glitter, the stickers, the pins in his hair that he pushed back, the necklaces around his neck that just barely touched the hem of the sequin top he had on. 

Why was he wearing this? Why was he like this? 

His son never wanted to see him again because of all this garbage. His son hated him. It didn’t matter how much Jae-Won loved him. 

Why did he ever fall into all of this? He could still remember Jason’s delighted shouts when his father would come home from work. The loud demands to “show him more robots” on TV. His rapid tapping on the table as he waited for his father to bring over the tea that they always drank before bed. 

The divorce marred all of that in an instant, and Jae-Won knew he couldn’t just blame his ex for that. He made his own choices. He chose to lean into it. And he didn’t know how to keep his son from shutting him out more and more as the years passed. 

He kept staring at his reflection. He clutched his phone tighter, watching it shake in his grip. 

“You think you’re fit to raise a son if you’re going to go around sleeping with any man you find?” 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Song, but this court rules in favor of—”

“You either take this deal, or we’re going to present even more evidence to the court that could easily keep you away from your son for good.” 

“Jae, if you show up wearing something like that to pick up our son again, I’m taking this back to the judge.” 

“You’re so damn disgusting.” 

“How could you turn out like this? Didn’t we raise you better?”

“Do you invite all those men and women over to your house? You better keep them out when Jase is there.” 

“Do you hear me? Watch it. We wouldn’t want Jase turning into a degenerate like you.” 

Jae-Won tossed his phone onto the floor as hard as he could manage. 

He didn’t linger to see if it broke or not. He rushed straight into the bathroom. The second he saw his reflection he gritted his teeth. He had half a mind to just punch the mirror in, but that wouldn’t fix the problem staring back at him. 

The problem was simple. He was too much of a fucking freak to be a father. He refused to believe that for so long, but now even his own son didn’t want to look at him anymore. 

Jae-Won grabbed both necklaces in one hand and snapped them off. His neck stung. The beads clattered onto the tile floor. 

He ripped his top off as well and chucked it to the side before turning on the sink. With a handful of water he splashed it on his face and rubbed as hard as he could. He felt the glitter and the stickers scraping against his skin. His cheeks hurt. But he didn’t let up. He glanced back up at the mirror to find he’d barely gotten the damn shit off, just smeared it around. Fucking sealer. 

Oh look at you. An internal demon that hadn’t haunted him in years suddenly whispered in the back of his mind. Who do you think you’re fooling, looking like that, you fucking freak.

These days he’d always snap back that yes, he was a fucking freak, but now that thought had his legs shaking so bad he collapsed on the bathroom floor. 

Why get so dolled up? It continued. To make you forget what a massive failure you are at being anything society expected out of you? You failed to get the job you dreamed of. Failed to keep your wife. And now you’re a failure of a father to boot. 

“Shut-up.” He tried to hiss past the pressure on his throat. He gripped the side of the sink and pulled himself up, only to be forced to look at his reflection once more. 

Face it. The inner demon’s voice shifted into his own, and he found himself mumbling along with it. “Jase always hated us, he just only now found the courage to say it.” 

That’s the truth, wasn’t it. All those years of week-long visits and Jase wanted nothing more than to get away from him, but didn’t feel bold enough to say it. 

Because Jae-Won Song was a disgusting, slutty degenerate. 

He glanced back up at his smeared make-up, and now his fist did connect with the mirror. The glass splintered, but didn’t break off. His knuckles hurt, but it wasn’t enough. 

Jae-Won jerked the cabinet doors open. He snatched every piece of make-up he could see and hurled it at the wall. Pallets of eyeshadow exploded against the tile wall of his shower into plumes of colored dust. Nail polish shattered and splattered onto the tub. Foundation, eyeliner, mascara, blush, all the stupid little brushes and sponges and his single tube of lipstick. 

He took a second to gasp for air, blinking through the tears. He stared at the mess of paint, powder and broken glass and plastic. Not enough. It wasn’t enough. 

He snatched his trimming scissors out next, ready to try and turn the metal into nothing but a ball of scrap from stomping on it hundreds of times.

“Jae?” 

The panicked shout had him looking back. He stared at Manny—one of his partners—who stared back, more frightened than he had been during any of their horror movie nights. 

Manny’s gaze darted to the scissors, then he rushed into the bathroom. 

Jae-Won leapt away from the motion, but he had nowhere to go. Manny grabbed him in a sort-of hug, pinning Jae’s arms to his sides, and held him close. Jae-Won struggled, panic and adrenaline still surging through his system. Only more so when he fully registered who was holding him. 

Disgusting. Disgusting. He was so disgusting. 

He didn’t realize he was screaming until Manny had to shout over him to be heard. “Jae. Calm down. Calm down for me, okay? Drop the scissors.” 

Jae-Won kept thrashing, kept trying to rip free. No. No. He wasn’t done. He had to get rid of the rest of it. Break it, burn it, so he could never touch it again. Shred it until he had no choice but to be someone normal and respectable and worthy to take care of the thing he loved the most. 

Manny started to drag him backwards into the hall. Boots pounded on the nearby staircase, then Angie’s voice came in. “Manny, what the fuck is going on?”

“I don’t know.” Manny told her. “Text the group to get on standby and call the restaurant. Then get some water.” 

Jae-Won thrashed again.

Manny tightened his grip. “You’re okay. You’re okay, Darling.” 

The pet name just made him angrier, even if it shouldn’t, because he started that entire trend. “Don’t call me that.” 

“Alright, done and done. Now let’s take a deep breath and drop the scissors, okay?” 

Jae-Won tried even harder to rip himself free. “Let me go!”

“Not until you drop the scissors. I’m not going to let you hurt yourself.” 

What? Is that what Manny thought he was doing? He didn’t have the space in his brain to figure out how he came to that conclusion. But fine. Fine! If Jae-Won couldn’t turn them into sheet metal he’d just do it later. 

With how little he could move his arms, he could barely throw the trimmers more than a few feet toward the bathroom door. 

Manny immediately relaxed and loosened his grip, but he didn’t let go. “Alright, good, now let’s take a deep breath—”

“Let go of me.”

“Jae, come on.”

“I said let go!”

“Okay, okay.” Manny’s grip finally vanished.

Jae-Won scrambled to his feet. In the process he stumbled into the wall. He could barely see at this point. Between the tears and his contacts everything shifted into blurs of color. He tried to step away from Manny for… some reason. His brain just screamed at him to get away. Get away from the temptation. 

More boots on the stairs just kicked his panic into overdrive. He tried to dart into his bedroom, but his head slammed into the corner of the door. 

“Shit, Jae.” Manny touched his shoulder. “Let’s at least just sit down.”

“No.” Jae-Won tried to shove him off, but then another pair of hands grabbed his arms. Angie, no doubt. “Let go. Leave me alone.”

“Like hell we’re doing that when you’re acting like this.” Angie spat. “What the hell is going on, babe?” 

“I said leave me alone!” He screamed so loud it tore at his throat.

“No!” Manny shouted back. “We love you too damn much for that.” 

Something about that sentence snapped his anger away. All of it vanished at once, leaving him with nothing but anguish. 

His legs gave out, and the only reason he didn’t hit the floor is because both of his partners held fast. They each slid an arm under his shoulders and gently guided him down to the bedroom carpet. 

Jae-Won couldn’t manage to say anything, not that any coherent words even formed in his brain. All he could do was sob, curling up so his face pressed against the floor. It hurt. It hurt. He wished he could just reach into his chest and rip out his heart and let himself bleed out on the floor. 

Manny gently shushed him, rubbing a hand along his back. “It’s gonna be alright, Jae. We’re here, okay?” 

Jae-Won tried to cling to the words, but his brain immediately shoved them away again. Stop. Don’t give in. These people were part of the thing he needed to get rid of. 

But why was he even lying to himself? He couldn’t get rid of that, or them. 

The tears finally slowed down just enough for him to speak. “Why am I like this?” 

“What?” Angie held his hand. “Like what, babe?” 

“Why am I like this?” He forced himself up so he could put a hand on his chest. “Why did I have to be like this? Why couldn’t I just be normal?” 

He still couldn’t see clearly, but the horrified expressions that Manny and Angie exchanged were still obvious. 

“Jae?” Manny reached out and held his face, lightly brushing away tears. “Hey, listen to me. I don’t know what’s going on, but there is nothing wrong with you.” 

“Did your parents suddenly call you back?” Angie growled. “I told you to block their—”

“Angie, wait until we get the story.” 

Jae-Won shook his head and pushed Manny’s hands to the side. “If there was nothing wrong with me, then my son wouldn’t be so disgusted with me.” 

His partners fell silent. 

So he continued, even if he struggled to get the words out between sobs. “He told me to finally get out of his life. Just how long has he wanted me to do that? Just how long has he been stuck coming over to my house wishing he never had to see me again?” He tried to wipe his eyes, but the tears didn’t slow down. If anything they got worse. “All because I can’t help being anything but a filthy, disgusting, de—”

“Hey!” Manny’s voice boomed through the room. “Don’t you dare talk about yourself like that.”

“It’s true!”

“It’s not.” Manny held his shoulders tight. “I’m sorry, Jae. I’m sorry that your son can’t see what a fucking gorgeous person you are. I know I’m not a parent. I know I can’t even begin to understand how you feel. But you cannot blame yourself for the choices he’s making.”

“Maybe not.” Jae-Won sputtered. “But I can blame myself for mine. If I hadn’t made that stupid choice right after the divorce. If I tried to just stay away from it maybe this rift never would have shown up.”

“You don’t know that.” Angie insisted. “You could have just made yourself so miserable trying to keep all of this under wraps that it would have just created a different kind of rift.”

“I could have tried.” 

“Well you didn’t.” Manny sighed. “You didn’t, and we’re here now. And even if you tried to rip that part of you away and bury it, would anything even change? Do you really think Jase would suddenly change how he feels about you?” 

No. Jae-Won didn’t, but he couldn’t say that out loud. Just the thought of it left him in another fit of sobs. He tried to curl up onto the floor again, only for Manny to pull him onto his lap instead. 

“Sorry,” Manny gently played with his hair. “That was probably a bit harsh. But I don’t want to watch you destroy yourself for something you may not even be able to get back.” 

“Besides.” Angie held his hand again. “If he doesn’t love you for who you are, does he really love you at all?” 

Once again they were right, but Jae-Won turned away from the reality that stared him in the face. Not right now. He couldn’t bear to look at it right now. 

His son—the center of his universe, the first thing that made his life stop feeling aimless, a bundle small enough to rest in one arm while Jae-Won promised him the world a hundred times over—never wanted to see him again. 

Jae-Won just kept sobbing into his boyfriend’s leather pants until his thoughts stopped all together.

-------------------------

The first thing Jae-Won was aware of when he woke up was that his eyes burned. They felt dry. He could tell one of his contacts slid out of place. He rubbed them to get rid of the crust and tried to open them, only for that to hurt too much to manage. He then noted the mild headache, like he was dehydrated, and the fact he was in bed.

How did he get here?

Without opening his eyes he sat up and felt around. He still had on his denim shorts, still topless, and his hair was an absolute nightmare right now. 

He got to the edge of the bed and stood. Just how did he get here? What even happened? 

Then his memory came back, and he stopped walking towards the door.

Right. 

Jase was gone. 

His chest still hurt an unbelievable amount, but he didn’t cry. He probably just couldn’t at this point. 

He heard footsteps in the hallway outside and turned his head, even though that was pointless because he still couldn’t see. 

“Oh, you woke up.” Manny said before he came closer. “How are you feeling?” 

Jae-Won didn’t know how to answer that. He could practically hear the screams and wails that echoed from his heart to his ears. 

“Physically, I mean.” Manny added. 

That was a bit easier to answer. “My eyes burn. They feel dry.” And now his throat did too. He could hear the cracks in his voice. Did he really scream that much earlier? “Guide me to the bathroom?”

“Bathroom? Uh, yeah sure, the sink should be okay.” 

Jae-Won let his boyfriend take his hand and guide him around the walls and to the sink. He didn’t hesitate to run the water and wipe down his face and his eyes. When the dryness subsided enough for him to open his eyes, he took some time to remove his contacts. Getting the one that managed to slide to the side was a trial of frustration and pain, but eventually he managed it. He put them both back into their container and finally tried to look at himself in the mirror.

Hard to do with the cracks that ran along it, but his makeup was still smeared all over his face. He never took out the pins in his hair, and decided to do so now before messing it up even further so it would start laying flat again. 

The clink of glass made him look toward the shower and…

Oh.

Manny was carefully picking things out of the tub. A mess of broken glass and color that extended from the bottom all the way up the tiled wall. 

Jae-Won knew he did that, but his memory of it was so hazy now. Like something else took hold of his brain and piloted him around for a few minutes. 

“Y-you don’t have to pick that up.” Jae-Won coughed from the dryness in his throat. “I can—”

“Jae.” Manny stood and tossed whatever he was holding into the tiny trash can. “I’ve got it. It’s fine. But I should leave the rest for later. Where’s your makeup remover?”

“The vanity in my room.” Jae-Won went to go get it, but Manny moved ahead of him.

But they didn’t reach the bedroom. His boyfriend suddenly stopped walking.

“Right, almost forgot, Angie’s going to go out to get some food. Anything you want?” His soft smile then turned serious. “You are eating something.” 

Yeah, Jae-Won knew that tone. There’d be no sense in arguing. And truthfully, as hollow as he felt, he at least didn’t feel nauseous. “Comfort food, without a doubt.”

“Emalia’s tacos or Smokin’ Andy’s burgers?” 

Jae-Won almost cracked a smile at the nickname. “Tacos.”

“You got it.” Manny leaned over the stair rail. “Hey Angie!”

“Yes Babe?” Angie called from the kitchen. “Is he up?” 

“Sure is, wanna pick up our favorites from Emalia’s?” Manny dug a few twenties out of his pocket. 

“On it.”

“Here, take my cash.” Manny tossed it over the railing and down to the first floor.

Angie huffed. “Throwing money at me like I’m a stripper.” 

“You are a stripper.” 

“Only some nights.” 

Jae-Won could easily imagine her sticking out her tongue. Quite likely since Manny was doing the same. 

“Alright, I’ll be back.” Her boots headed toward the backdoor. “Take care of our darling while I’m gone.”

“You know it.” Manny shouted after her. “Drive safe.” With that he spun back around and gestured to the bedroom. 

Well, Jae-Won’s bedroom. The other bedroom, the guest room, the place where Jase always slept, had its door open still further along the top floor. From here he could see the pixel-like bedsheets, the handful of transformer stickers on the window, and on the desk sat— 

“Jae.”

His boyfriend’s voice was the only thing that kept the pressure in his chest from shattering it all over again. Jae-Won tore his gaze away from the room and stepped into his own. 

He aimed for the package of make-up remover wipes, but Manny snatched it up first.

Jae-Won frowned. “Manny, I can—”

“Sit.” Manny pointed to the chair and pulled one of the wipes out. 

“Manny—”

“Sit.” He repeated.

Jae-Won let out a frustrated sigh and did so, crossing his arms in the process. “I know I’m a disaster and I’m definitely having a crisis, but you don’t have to baby me.”

“I’m not babying you.” Manny gently held his chin and started cleaning his left cheek. “If I was babying you, I’d wrap you up in a blanket burrito and put you on the bed. Then I’d do this while singing some obnoxious lullaby.” 

Jae-Won refused to laugh at the joke. “You know what I mean.”

“Do I?” He tossed the used wipe aside and got another one. This one ran over the eyebrows. “Or is this one of those times you meant to say ‘I don’t deserve your kindness.’” 

Jae-Won’s nails dug into his skin. Damn it. Manny knew him too well after all these years. 

“So I’ll just say what I always say. I don’t give a damn if you deserve it or not, you’re getting it. Because I love you.” 

That word made Jae-Won’s teeth clench. His skin tingled and itched, to the point he wanted to tear it off. 

Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting.

Manny stopped cleaning and let go of him. “Hey, you alright?” 

“Sorry.” Jae-Won breathed in through his nose and out of his mouth. Just breathe, don’t spiral. 

“Don’t need an apology. I just need to know if you’re okay.” 

Jae-Won squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “Of course I’m not, Manny. You’ll have to be more specific.” 

“Fine, is something I’m doing upsetting you?” 

Yes? No? “It’s not your fault.” 

Manny let out a frustrated sigh. He paced around the room a few times, hands on top of his head. Jae-Won just kept focusing on his breathing before his self loathing caused him to do something else he’d regret. 

“Alright, let’s try again.” Manny stepped back over and knelt down, placing a hand on Jae-Won’s knee. “Can you try to tell me what’s going on in your head?”

Where did he even begin with a topic like that? The question alone prompted a wall of thoughts that he couldn’t keep up with. 

“Right, be more specific. What were you thinking about when you tensed up like that?” 

He let out a pathetic whine and pressed his hands against his cheeks. He could still feel all the powder coating the right one. “I don’t… I don’t know how to explain that without upsetting you.” 

Manny rested his other hand on the same knee before putting his chin on top of them both. “You know what’s upsetting? Coming in here to find out why my boyfriend isn’t coming outside for date night to find him clutching a pair of scissors in a wrecked bathroom like he’s about to stab himself.” 

Jae-Won blinked, his hazy memory clearing up just a bit. “That wasn’t what I was doing.”

“No? It sure as hell looked that way.”

“I’m not going to hurt myself.” 

“I think you are, Jae, just not in a physical sense.” Manny squeezed his leg. "Trying to shred parts of yourself is hurting you." 

He let out a shaky breath. "I know, and I'm trying not to, but it…" 

Another squeeze. "What's going on in your head?" 

Jae-Won clenched his hands together to keep the emotions in his chest from reaching his throat. “Jase is disgusted with me. He probably always has been. I managed to get past the insults from my ex, her boyfriend, and most of my family, but him shutting me out of his life just makes me disgusted with myself all over again.” 

He tightened his grip on his fingers and then relaxed them again, watching the faint wrinkles on the back of his hand. “So every time you’re affectionate with me… my head doesn’t like that. It keeps trying to convince me I need to get away from it before I get any more filthy.” 

Manny let go of him and leaned back. “So, you’re more or less back in the rut you were in when we first met?”

Hah, such an odd memory. Ignoring the fact he’d been too plastered at the time to actually remember all of it. It always sat in his mind as something joyful and something painful at the same time. 

It’d been only a few days after the custody case came to a close. Jae-Won decided, fuck it, and found himself back at another local queer bar where he proceeded to drink way more than he should have. 

Manny had to fill in the blanks of his god awful flirting with Angie, which somehow devolved into gross sobbing and then completely passing out on the booth seat. 

A miracle the pair decided to do the kind thing and let him sleep it off at their apartment. It’d been frightening at first, waking up in a strange place with people he barely recognized, but as they chatted over breakfast, things started to click into place. 

They’d been his first friends in his new lifestyle, and somehow they stuck around ever since. Sometimes he’d crack jokes that the sex must be that good, but he knew Angie and Manny both saw him as more than just a long term friend-with-benefits. 

“Kind of pathetic, isn’t it?” Jae-Won mumbled. “All those years of biting back fear and guilt so I could walk comfortably in heels and an open back dress and it’s undone with one conversation.” 

Manny tilted his head. “Jae, that kind of stuff is never really gone forever. Especially in the world we live in. Sure, New York City makes it easier for us to be ourselves, but it’s still part of a bigger world. We can fight systems, stick in groups, and decide every morning that we’re going to unapologetically be ourselves, but that doesn’t mean it’s not scary. I mean, was that incident with the guy whose ear you ripped off not a reminder of that?”

Jae-Won frowned and finally unclenched his hands. “I think I was too angry at the time to be frightened.” 

Manny laughed. “Yeah, I can believe that. Your temper is unbelievable for someone of your size.”

“I’m not that short.”

Manny stood, probably to emphasize a point, except it didn’t count because Jae-Won was sitting. “Short to me and Angie.” 

“You’re literally only seven inches taller.”

“In more than one place.” Manny wiggled his eyebrows.

Jae-Won glared and lightly kneed his boyfriend in the crotch. 

“Ow, hey, no.” Manny jumped back. “See what I mean? This is why even Angie avoids pissing you off.” 

Jae-Won slumped in his chair. “I think we’re getting off track.”

“Yeah, probably.” Manny snatched up a new wipe. “Pretty easy to do when it comes to us though, right?”

Jae-Won didn’t reply to that. He just sat still as his boyfriend continued cleaning his face off. 

“My point from earlier,” Manny said, “Is that all these negative feelings you have about being queer, have probably been sitting in the back of your mind for a long time. Especially if Jase has always been getting farther and farther away. It can’t be the first time in all these years you’ve thought about it again.”

No, it wasn’t. It happened almost every time Jase came to visit. Jae-Won would always clean up his house, making sure to stuff away any pictures, art, flags and all sorts. He’d shove away the dresses, the glitter, the t-shirts covered in dirty words, and the high heels into a storage box that he’d put in the back of his closet. Just be normal for a week, he’d tell himself, or Jase will either leave for good or be dragged away. For an entire week Jae-Won would be suffocating on the inside and in the end it’d been for nothing. It hadn’t even worked. 

Maybe Angie was right. Even if he’d kept himself away from all this, would it have really stopped the rift? 

“There, all clean.” Manny announced and tossed the last wipe in the bin. He leaned forward, likely aiming for a kiss on the cheek, but then stopped. “May I?” 

He almost never asked for permission, because by this point they’d known each other so long they knew all the signals. 

Jae-Won appreciated it, and ultimately decided on a yes. He let his boyfriend kiss his cheek before he turned his head and met his lips.

Manny sighed into the contact, like he’d just gotten his first sip of water after being lost in the desert. Jae-Won put a hand on the back of his boyfriend’s neck, sliding it up so his fingers got caught in the tight curls of Manny’s hair.

Another sigh. Manny leaned over him, and one of his knees rested on the chair next to Jae-Won’s thigh. 

“I said it before,” Manny murmured against his lips. “But I’ll say it again. You’re the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever met.” 

Jae-Won rolled his eyes. “We both know Smokin’ Andy is way hotter.” 

Manny laughed, the vibrations easy to feel as he pressed their noses together. “That’s not what I mean, even if you are pretty as fuck. I met you in a bar when you practically lost everything just because you dared to dip your toes into something you wanted. Most people would backtrack so fast from that, but you kept going, and you went hard.” 

Jae-Won felt his cheeks heating up. “It wasn’t that—” 

Manny pinched his cheeks. “This stuffy little nerd who stuttered and blushed the second anyone cute tried to talk to him. You know I used to be able to whisper the word ‘penis’ in your ear and you’d immediately go red.” 

Jae-Won rolled his eyes. “Maybe that’s because you were so embarrassing to be around.” 

“And now look at you. You throw open the doors to a room in whatever wild outfit you decide to rock that evening and command the attention of everyone there. You walk everywhere like you own the place. You see someone you want and you go after them, even if they turn you down.” 

Jae-Won wished he could sink into the chair. This was getting to be too much. 

“My point is” Manny gave him another kiss. “I watched you enter this world frightened out of your mind, but you refused to give up. And watching you wrestle down all of that fear piece by piece is the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.” 

Now he felt warm everywhere. Emotions twisted in his chest, because at this current point in time he just felt like a coward again. Letting his mind talk him into trying to throw all of this away. But now his boyfriend was in front of him—on top of him—whispering much kinder words in his ear, and that inner voice couldn’t manage to talk over it. 

Jae-Won grabbed the collar of Manny’s jacket as he pulled him back into the kiss and kept trying to tug him closer. Manny let out a short growl, his knee sliding further up the chair. 

“You know you taste like whatever cleanser is on those wipes.” Manny muttered between smooches. 

“Then stop kissing me.” 

“No.” Manny bit down on Jae-Won’s lip.

He gasped and twisted the leather jacket in his grip. “Going to play dirty, huh?” 

“Try and stop me.”

Jae-Won had half a mind to lift one of his legs and press it against his boyfriend’s dick, but just then the downstairs door opened.

“Boys, dinner’s here.” Angie called. “I better not come upstairs and find you two making out on the floor.” 

“You won’t.” Manny shouted back. “Jae’s in a chair.”

Angie let out a shriek, probably to mimic an offended gasp. “You two starting without me? Unbelievable.” 

Manny just kept chuckling and got off the chair. He took one of Jae-Won’s hands and pulled him to his feet. “Do you want to change, by the way?” 

Jae-Won looked down at his denim shorts. Literally the only thing he had on right now. “Uh, might be a good idea.” 

“Unless you want me to lick taco sauce off your chest.”

Jae-Won snorted and playfully shoved his boyfriend to the side, hand on his face. “Jeez, you’re all over me tonight. Is watching me have a breakdown just that sexy?”

“Nah,” Manny answered in a serious tone. “Just trying to see if it gets you back to normal, even if it only lasts for so long.” 

Yeah. No doubt trying to sleep tonight he’d be plagued by negative thoughts all over again. No doubt his conversation with Jase would turn into an endless loop until the voices of the rest of his family joined in. 

So for now, he should at least try to focus on just his partners and eating some dinner. 

#scribbly fics #idk what to call this so I'm just not giving it a title #the doc is titled “Taking Psychic Damage” #because I was while writing this #my ass would give a character a dad and get insanely attached to him #he will get through this #eventually #I wanna do a part 2 but idk when I'll get around to it #so just take this for now