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the-cult-of-russo · 1 year

Text

Do Me Damage (Part 3)

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Warnings: cursing, angst, mentions of drugs.

A/N: So there's only one more chapter of this written up. I will get around to finishing it at some point 'cause you guys seem to really be enjoying it. But I'm currently writing two other Billy x Reader Multi chapter fics and it's hard enough juggling those lmao. But when I'm done, I'll finish this one off.

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It was the day of Karen's birthday party and things were already going wrong. It had taken you hours to find something you felt comfortable wearing after the dress you'd been planning on wearing decided to rip. You'd settled on a nice simple black dress with little white flowers on it. It flared out at the waist and reached mid-thigh. You paired it with some wedges and your leather jacket. Your hair was done nicely and your make-up was neutral but made your eyes pop. You knew from the location of the party it was some kind of bar, although you weren't sure which kind. You didn't want to be overdressed or underdressed. You settled on simple but pretty. Leanna had texted you an hour before you were due to leave saying she couldn't make it, Nathan was sick. You couldn't even be mad at her. She was a doting mother and you hoped your little sweet godson would get better soon. But this left you standing outside the bar alone feeling anxious when the time came. You'd been relying on Leanna since other than Karen, she was the only person you knew. You wouldn't just bail on Karen though, especially when Leanna couldn't come.

Now standing outside of the bar you were relieved to see it was more of a casual place than some swanky bar uptown. But you couldn't help the nerves at not knowing anyone there other than Karen or even knowing how many people would be there. Social situations always made you a little uneasy. You blew out a large breath as you pushed the door open and made your way inside. The place was full but you knew some people weren't here for Karen. You spotted the woman at the other side of the bar with a small group of people. You were about to head to the bar to get a drink in you first but Karen saw you.

"Y/N!" She grinned as she made her way over.

"Drunk already?" You snorted as you saw the state of her flushed cheeks and wobbly stance.

"No! A little… a lot," she giggled, making you smile.

"Happy birthday," you beamed as you gave her a hug. You really liked Karen. And after her putting a word in with Ellis, you'd be starting work with her on Monday. When she pulled away from the hug, you handed her the small box you'd had in your leather jacket pocket. You watched as she eagerly opened it and her eyes lit up.

"Y/N… you shouldn't have," she murmured softly as she took out the dainty silver bracelet. You'd seen her admiring it the week before when you, Leanna and Karen all went window shopping.

"Well I did and you deserve it," you grinned cheekily. She gave you a bright smile and another hug before she put the bracelet on.

"Come on! Meet the guys!" She said as she grabbed your hand and yanked it, tugging you towards the table full of people.

"This is Frank, Curtis, Micro and Sarah," Karen smiled widely as she pointed to everyone. You knew Frank was her boyfriend although you'd never met him. Everyone gave you polite smiles and nods.

"And… where is he?" Karen muttered to herself as her head whipped around.

"Oh! There he is! This is Billy," she grinned as the man in question came over with a few drinks in his hand. You felt like all the air got sucked from your lungs seeing him. Of course, he'd be friends with Karen. The universe really couldn't give you a break.

"Well… fancy that," Billy murmured with a wry smirk as he stared at you. He looked amused and you looked the opposite.

"Wait, you two know each other?" Karen asked confused as she looked from you to Billy.

"You know what? This… this wasn't a good idea. I should go," you muttered quickly, making a move to bolt. Karen still had hold of your hand though and she kept her grip steady for a drunk person.

"No! What are you…? Wait a minute," her head snapped back from you to Billy again and you could practically see her alcohol-soaked brain putting the puzzle pieces together.

"You asshole!" She yelled as she pointed her free hand at Billy. Everyone else seemed to find it comical but you were rooted in place feeling tense. Billy also looked a little taken aback and guilty.

"Karen-" he started placatingly, only to be cut off by a suddenly angry Karen.

"No! What right do you have walking back into her life and trying to dictate what she does? Shame on you!" She drunkenly rambled. You felt far too awkward. All the eyes on you curiously, where was Leanna when you needed her?

"Seriously, Karen. I'm just gonna head home," you said softly as you pried your hand from her grip. She gave you a sad look with a nod.

"I'm sorry. I had no idea," she replied quietly.

"I know, it's fine. I just think it'll be too awkward and I don't wanna ruin your birthday. I'll see you Monday, okay?" You gave her a reassuring smile and she nodded before hugging you. You really couldn't wait to just get out of there. Karen's friends' first impression of you probably wasn't so great.

You made a swift exit, not even sparing Billy a glance. You hated how he seemed to seep into every aspect of your life now. It was like life was trying to torment you. You'd walked to the bar since it wasn't too far from your apartment and you'd been planning on drinking. But it was darker now than when you got there despite the little time spent inside. You took your shoes off so your feet wouldn't be dead by the time you got home as you set off walking. You barely made it a few feet when you heard heavy footsteps behind you. You half expected Billy but instead, when you turned around, you saw Frank.

"Should I be worried you're following me?" You asked playfully, turning to look forward but not stopping as you walked. He easily kept pace with you, now at your side.

"Nah. It's late, you shouldn't walk home alone. Karen would kill me if anythin' happened to you. Bill too," he murmured gruffly. Your eyes rolled instinctively at his name but you nodded as the pair of you walked down the street. The silence was a strange mix between comfortable and uncomfortable. He seemed like a man of few words and you didn't mind that. Yet the earlier meeting had made things awkward and weird.

"Bill's my best friend," Frank broke the silence after a while. His words didn't make you feel any better though and you stayed silent, not really knowing what to say or why he bothered to tell you that.

"You're Bunny, right?" He asked quietly. Your whole body felt like it went rigid at the nickname and your head whipped to the side to look at him.

"I used to be," you answered tensely.

"He really cares about you. I know you might not think so right now, but he does. I was in the Marines with him, it's how we met. He took that goddamn bunny with him on every deployment. Didn't even hide the fuckin' thing, even when the guys took the piss out of him for it," he chuckled. You felt a lump form in your throat and you tried not to let his words affect you. It confused you though. If Billy chose to leave you behind, why would he still keep your stuffed animal? If he didn't want you around anymore then what was the point? With more of your silence, Frank decided to continue.

"I know what he did was stupid and shitty, I told him as much. And it ain't my story to give you the why either, but maybe you should ask him. Might not make you feel better and it don't change what happened but it might help you understand," he suggested gently. For the longest time, you wondered just why Billy did what he did to you. The question burned right into your soul. But after a while, you didn't care because it didn't change the fact that it was done with now. He'd done it and hurt you and nothing could erase that. Billy himself had even wanted you to ask and you'd said no, but after what Frank said you couldn't help but wonder. You'd always presumed it was because he saw you as a burden, that you didn't fit into the new life he'd had planned for himself. But now you were just confused and that burning curiosity was back.

"You know what he did?" You asked softly, glancing at him.

"Yeah. I know why he did it too but like I said, it's not my place. It's just not as black and white as you might think," he murmured. You nodded thoughtfully as you both reached your apartment and when you stopped, so did he.

"Thanks for walking me," you said, feeling still somewhat awkward.

"It's no problem. And just think about what I said, Bill thinks you hate him and it's eatin' him up,'' Frank admitted. You weren't sure if you hated Billy or not. He'd hurt you deeply and then fucked shit up, but you didn't think you'd ever be capable of hating him. Even if you wanted to.

"I'll think about it," you relented. He gave you a small smile and a nod as he took a step back.

"It's all I'm askin' for. Stay safe, Y/N," he muttered before he turned and started walking back the way you both came. You heaved a sigh before walking into your building and making your way to your apartment. You really didn't feel like seeing Billy again but you couldn't help but be more confused now than before. You'd hold off on asking him until the curiosity killed you, but you knew after your talk with Frank you'd end up seeking him out and you hated it. Life was much simpler before Billy walked back into your life.

-----

A few days passed by and everything was going well. You'd started working at The Bulletin shadowing Karen. Organised crime was pretty intense but you'd been enjoying your work since you'd always had a fascination when it came to those kinds of things. You also had knowledge given your previous job that had been a help already to both Karen and Ellis. Ellis told you he considered you a valuable member of the team because of your background. You thankfully hadn't seen Billy in the days that had gone by but it didn't mean he wasn't plaguing your thoughts. You knew you'd been more distracted than you'd like at your new job and you knew the only way to get it off your mind was to ask Billy. To just get it over with. You knew it wouldn't change things since the damage had been done but at least it would give you some closure.

By the fourth day, you were going insane with curiosity and that's how you ended up outside of Billy's door. You asked Karen for his address and she'd been kind enough to give it to you without asking questions. Despite the vague story, you'd told her about what Billy had done, you knew she knew more than that since she was Frank's girlfriend and Frank was apparently Billy's best friend. And Frank had known a lot more than you'd anticipated. You were just thankful Karen wasn't trying to pry about the whole thing. While you were friends with Karen, she was friends with Billy first and her ties to him were much stronger than to you because of Frank. You didn't want her feeling put in the middle of the mess. You'd gone over what Billy might say a million and one times, but the anxiety over him confirming your own thoughts about him just not wanting you in his life was gnawing at you. Now standing in front of his door, you felt overwhelmed. It was one thing thinking he'd never come back simply because he was done with you, but if he told you himself then it would hurt even more. You weren't quite sure you could deal with it. After raising your hand to knock what felt like twelve times, you chickened out. You really weren't sure you were ready for what Billy might tell you.

"Fuck," you muttered quietly, rolling your eyes at your behaviour as you walked back over to the elevator. Just as you pressed the button, you heard a door open behind you.

"Y/N?" Your head snapped back, looking right at Billy who was standing in his doorway looking confused. He'd always been perceptive, noticing the smallest of things. You shouldn't have been surprised that his time in the Marines had honed that skill.

You heard the ding of the elevator and the doors sliding open. Your eyes glanced at it as you considered just hopping into it and leaving. You felt divided. Part of you wanting nothing more than to run and hide, to not find out why Billy discarded you like a piece of used tissue paper. The other part of you desperately wanted to know so you could finally close that chapter of your life and fully move on. You'd thought you'd moved on before you saw him that day outside of the bar but if you were honest with yourself, you knew deep down you hadn't and it was because you really didn't understand why he'd hurt you the way he did. The elevator door slid closed again as you just stood there silently and Billy made no move towards you or to say anything. He just watched you patiently. You inhaled a deep breath to steady yourself before you fully turned around.

"Can we talk?" You asked softly. He nodded without hesitation as he opened his door fully and stepped aside. You walked over and slipped inside, hearing him shut the door behind you as you glanced around curiously. His penthouse was large and mostly open-plan. It was decorated with greys and blues, modern decor and very minimalist. You felt bitterness curl low in your stomach. It wasn't that he'd done well for himself, he'd always told you he'd have a place like this one day and you were happy he'd achieved that. It was the fact you weren't part of his life anymore that made you feel bitter and cold on the inside.

"You uh… want a drink?" He asked hesitantly. You looked over at him, seeing him standing there looking awkward and not like the confident man you knew he'd grown into.

"No thanks. I don't think I'll be here long enough," you admitted. His face fell a little as he nodded and you tried to ignore the way it sent a pang through your chest. You had to remind yourself this wasn't your Billy anymore. A snide voice in the back of your head asked if he'd ever been. If he'd ever really cared or only stuck with you out of necessity. He moved over to the armchair and sat down, gesturing for you to sit on the sofa. You obliged as your eyes darted around, unable to look at him. The silence in the air was thick and tense as you tried to find the courage to ask him the dreaded question. Billy just watched you silently.

"Why… why did you leave me?" You asked, having to clear your throat when your voice cracked treacherously. You hated how vulnerable you sounded.

The silence stretched on and your eyes finally landed on him. He wasn't looking at you now as his leg bounced up and down, his fingers toying with the other hand.

"It's complicated," he started, making you scoff and roll your eyes.

"Either tell me or don't, Billy," you warned. He looked at you looking like a guilty young boy but your stern face didn't change. You didn't come here for him to mess you around.

"You remember why I wanted to join the Marines?" He asked. You glanced at your hands as you remembered the day he told you he was signing up and how you'd tried to beg him not to go.

"You wanted a purpose. Wanted to be a part of something bigger. You told me it would be the start of your new life," you answered monotonously. You weren't really sure how this answered the question you'd asked him.

"I uh… I don't think I really knew what I was gettin' into. When I was over there the first time…" he trailed off as he stared at the coffee table, his leg still jiggling around.

"I saw shit, I did shit. Stuff that I can't just… wash away. My hands got stained with so much blood," he muttered seriously as his dark eyes locked on yours with a steely determination in them. You swallowed thickly and waited for him to continue.

"I was gonna come back to you. When I got home, the first thing I did was go to our apartment," he admitted.

"You got my letters then," you replied snidely, remembering all the letters you'd sent him when he was away and how you never got one back. You'd given him the address of the place you'd got for the pair of you in one.

"They got me through that first deployment. And when I came back all I wanted was to come home to you, for you to make me feel better. But I couldn't. I couldn't even knock on the damn door. All I could think about was the shit I'd done over there and how if you knew you'd never look at me the same. It's another world over there, Y/N. Comin' back… it's hard to adjust. And I just couldn't face you. I couldn't deal with you treatin' me different, so I went and stayed at a hotel for a few days. Thought it was just me needin' to get used to bein' back or some shit. But then days turned to weeks and months and suddenly it was time for me to leave again," pain laced his words as you tried to absorb them, realising it was way more than just him being done with you when he left. You weren't really sure what to say but he continued anyway.

"My second time home and I was worse than before. Colder, harder. I still couldn't fuckin' knock on your door though. You deserved better than that, than me. All I could think about was how disappointed in me you'd be and I couldn't deal with it. With each deployment I got worse, I became used to the shit I had to do or see. I wasn't the same guy you used to know so I figured it was just best I let you live your life without me. I didn't wanna burden you with that," he explained sadly as he shook his head.

"Bullshit," you spat as you felt anger rising inside of you. He looked shocked as he frowned at you.

"Bullshit?" He asked slowly.

"Yeah, bullshit. You know me, Billy. You should have known that no matter what, I'd have welcomed you back with open arms. We were family, that's what family does. I can't sit here and say I know what you went through, but war is hard. I knew that and I wanted to be there for you when you came home, except you didn't," you lamented. He lowered his head as he rolled his shoulder.

There was a tense moment of silence before he stood up and walked off into what you presumed was the bedroom. You sat there confused and considered leaving when he came back out. You felt a large lump lodge deep in your throat when you saw the stuffed bunny in his hands. He made his way over to you, sitting on the coffee table in front of you instead of his chair. Your eyes were glued to the beat up stuffed animal but you felt your heart pick up at the close proximity. He smelt different to what you were used to yet the same at the same time. The scent used to be the most comforting thing to you but now all it did was hurt.

"I know I fucked up, I had issues and handled it badly. And I wish I could go back and just knock on your goddamn door," he started, making you glance to his face. His dark eyes were wide and imploring, glassy with unshed tears.

"Just 'cause I left doesn't mean I didn't think about you. I did. Every fuckin' day. I took this with me on all my tours and you'd always be on my mind. I'd wonder if… if you were okay, what you were doin'. But I couldn't ever get the balls to come and see you and find out 'cause I was scared and I hate myself for it," he murmured sadly. One of his hands came up to your face, cradling your cheek as the other hand clutched the well-worn bunny. The lump in your throat got bigger and you felt a tear roll down your cheek, only to be swept away by his thumb. His face looked pained by your tears.

"You left me, Billy. Just like everyone else," you whispered tearfully, your voice raw. You felt so open and vulnerable and that didn't use to be a bad thing in front of him but now you hated it. He shook his head vehemently as his nostrils flared. He scooted a little closer to you on the coffee table as his large hand gripped your jaw a little tighter.

"Don't say that. I know I… I know I left but it wasn't like the others. I didn't wanna leave, I didn't wanna leave you, I swear. I thought I was doin' you a favor. I thought I was helpin' you," his voice was pleading and desperate and you knew him well enough to see how hard he was fighting off his tears. You tried to take comfort in his words. You knew he wasn't lying. But despite his reasoning, it still hurt that he thought you'd react that way to him coming home. You felt for him. You couldn't imagine what shit he'd been through to affect him this way. But it didn't erase the hurt, it didn't erase the years you spent thinking he'd died over there.

"Why didn't you say something? Or write a letter? Anything? You could have just told me but instead, you just vanished and made me think the worst. Do you know how hard that was?" You asked with a frown. His hand dropped from your face and joined the other in the death grip he had on the bunny.

"I wanted to. I just thought it would be better that way, a clean break. I couldn't face you and I knew if I tried to explain it you wouldn't listen. My fear won out and it's not somethin' I'm proud of. I've looked death in the eye so many times but nothin' scared me more than havin' you judge me like that. To see you disappointed in me," he admitted quietly. You felt like lecturing him again about how he clearly didn't know you as well as you thought he did if he thought that but you stopped yourself. Going around in circles wouldn't help anything. His state of mind clearly hadn't been right at the time, he hadn't been thinking rationally.

"Would you have ever looked me up? If you didn't run into me that day?" You asked, your eyes boring into him. He swallowed thickly as his fingers toyed with the bunny.

"One day, probably. It just got too hard. I was always scared that you weren't doin' good and it'd be my fault. Or that you'd be real happy without me which would hurt just as much. The clean break wasn't just to help you, it's the only way I coulda done it. So I just… kept away completely. I always wanted to find you, I was just too much of a coward to admit it," he murmured sincerely. The silence was back for a moment as you tried to digest everything he'd told you and he just stared at the bunny despondently.

"Do you regret it?" You asked after a moment. He rolled his shoulder and looked off to the side. He scrunched his nose up a little and you knew the tears were about to come before they happened. You were right as you saw a couple of tears roll down his cheeks. He lowered his head before his piercing dark gaze landed back on you.

"Every damn day," he said firmly, making your chest ache.

"All of this-" he gestured vaguely to the apartment and its contents, "- is worthless 'cause you're not here to share it with me. None of it feels good, none of it satisfies me. I always wanted this life but it means nothin' without you by my side," he continued. You didn't get any joy from his words.

"I know I was an asshole and I know I hurt you. I can't ever take that back, even though I want to. But do you think… do you think you'd ever be able to forgive me?" He asked softly. His face looked ready for the worst as he gazed at you.

"Maybe... I'd like to. I still think you didn't need to do what you did but I get it more now. I honestly just thought you didn't want me around anymore. I thought you were done with me," you admitted, not looking at him. You were caught off guard when he moved forward even more and his arms suddenly wrapped around you. Your body tensed for a moment as you felt him press his face into your hair. Despite everything, it felt familiar and safe and you'd missed it. You found your arms wrapping around his middle as you buried your face in his neck.

"I'd never be done with you," he stated seriously, voice muffled a little by your hair.

You felt tears prick your eyes again as you clutched hold of him. For a moment you wanted to pretend none of the past ten years had happened and that it was just you and Billy like it always had been. The reality was far too painful for you. You both held each other for a long while in silence although this time it wasn't awkward. When he pulled away you quickly wiped your eyes as you inhaled a shaky breath.

"Hurtin' you was the worst thing I've ever done. I never wanted to hurt you," he frowned. You quirked a brow at him and shot him a look.

"What did you think was gonna happen? You just left," you muttered. He scoffed a mirthless laugh as he looked away for a minute, wiping a hand over his face.

"I thought you might be a bit upset at first but I thought you'd move on. Get over it. Didn't think it would hurt you this much," he shrugged. It was your turn to scoff this time and it caused him to look at you again.

"Are you kidding me? You really thought I wouldn't be that upset that you just left? You're the only family I've ever had, Billy. Do you really think you meant that little to me?" You asked incredulously, the hurt lacing every word. He looked down like a scolded child as his fingers went back to toying with the bunny.

"I think we can both agree I got issues," he muttered wryly, making you roll your eyes a little. That was an understatement.

"You and me both," you snorted lightly. He went quiet for a moment and you watched as he toyed with the bunny before he glanced back at you.

"Can I ask you somethin"?" He asked seriously. You nodded, apprehension swelling in your stomach as you wondered what it might be. You already had an idea.

"How did you end up… sellin' drugs?" He asked quietly. You blew out a breath as you stared at your hands. You'd gotten used to the dirty work of your old job over time but you'd never fully been comfortable with it. Having Billy know what you did only made you feel worse about it.

"The short version is that I got laid off, couldn't afford rent so I ended up homeless. I knew Tony already and he'd offered me a job. I figured selling drugs was better than being on the streets so…" you shrugged feeling tense. Billy's face scrunched up as a pained look crossed his face.

"Y/N… I'm sorry, I-," he started lamenting, but you cut him off.

"Stop," you ordered hotly, feeling your eyes burn with more tears.

"No, I won't. If I'd stayed you'd have never had to go through that. I woulda taken care of you and you wouldn'ta had to…" he trailed off as he sneered at himself, shaking his head.

"It's not just on you. It'd be easy for me to sit here and put all the blame on you, my life would have been different if you'd stuck around. You were gone and I'd completely given up. But… I'm the one that made that choice. At the time it felt like the only one I had but if I'd have really tried I could have done something else. And I stuck with it because it was easy money and I was good at it. I'm glad I'm not doing that anymore. I don't wanna contribute to people's downfall, ruining families and people's lives. It still wasn't your choice to make but I'm glad I'm out now," you admitted softly. After seeing Billy a month ago and finding out he was alive, you'd blamed him profusely for the life you'd been living. He'd left you all alone and you'd gone down a bad path. You knew Billy would have protected you from that life, he'd have never let you do what you'd done. You knew he meant it when he said he would have taken care of you. But you were your own person and you shouldn't have depended on Billy to be there to carry you through life. You should have been able to look after yourself. You'd made a bad life choice but that was in the past now and you wanted to let it go. It wasn't something you were proud of. Especially since the reason why you ended up in the group home was the fact your mother was a junkie. Just like Billy's mom.

"I'm still sorry. If I could take it all back, I would. I shoulda been there for you," he lamented. You nodded, knowing that telling him again he didn't need to be sorry was pointless. It was also nice to hear it after thinking for a month that he just didn't care.

You felt exhausted from the emotional roller coaster you'd found yourself on and you needed time to think things over.

"It's getting late, I should head out," you said after a moment. He nodded stiffly and you wondered idly if he didn't want you to leave. He stood up and you followed as you made your way to the front door. Your heart felt heavy and part of you wanted to stay. Despite the hard topic of conversation, you'd missed him more than you could vocalise and it was hard to leave now.

"I'll uh… see you around?" He asked hopefully after you opened the door. You turned to look at him with a sad smile.

"Yeah," you replied softly. He nodded again looking for a moment like he might hug you. Instead, he stayed rooted in place as he glanced at the bunny in his hands and then to you.

"You should have this back," he murmured as he handed it to you. You shook your head, not making a move to take it.

"I think you need him more. Besides, you've been taking good care of him," you said with a small smirk. He chuckled and lowered his head bashfully as he gave you a nod. With nothing left to say, you gave him one last look before slipping out of the door. You fought with yourself to not look back at him, scared you wouldn't be able to leave if you did. You didn't hear his door shut until the elevator door opened and you stepped inside.

You knew he wanted you to forgive him and in the past, you didn't think that was possible. But now you knew the real reason why he left and while it hurt you that he didn't really seem to consider how the whole thing would affect you or that he thought you'd judge him, you knew his state of mind hadn't exactly been normal. He'd clearly been suffering from some kind of PTSD and with the things you could only speculate that he'd been through, you couldn't hold that against him. It would take time to move on from it and to accept the reason he'd given you after thinking for so long that you were the reason he left. It hurt to know you'd have to rebuild your relationship and trust with Billy from square one after going through so much together. You didn't want to have to do that but you knew too much time had passed and too much hurt had happened for you both to just pick up where you left off. It was messy and complicated and you didn't like it. But after speaking with him, you knew deep down you did want a relationship with him again. He was still family no matter what he'd done. Since Billy left it felt like you'd been walking around with a gaping hole in your chest and spending time with him even in the circumstances you were in, you'd felt that void start to heal slightly. It would be hard and take time but you hoped that you'd be able to make up with Billy properly one day. Maybe even be a family like you once were. You weren't sure if it was all just a fantasy in your head after being apart from him for so long but you couldn't bring yourself to stop the hope that it could be a reality one day.

Taglist: (if you’ve been asked to be tagged and aren’t here, it wouldn’t let me tag some people.)

@firexfate

@blanchedelioncourt

@ariesbutalibra

@sunshinedaisies-anddeath

@snowkestrel

@music-indie-tv

@idaofinfinity

@sweetserendipity65

@ramadiiiisme

@k-marzolf

@celestialams

@woowwwee

#billy russo imagine #billy russo fanfic #billy russo x reader #billy russo

52 notes · View notes

viola-halogen · 6 months

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Thanks for the tag @prince-rowan-of-the-forest (ignore how long it’s taken me to get round to this I kept forgetting about it lmao)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

22! I think I’ve written a decent amount but I’m always hoping to increase that number.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

167,433

3. What fandoms do you write for?

There’s not really a proper answer to this question cause I’m not writing regularly at the moment (life has been very hectic as of late and I’ve not had the energy or motivation.) The latest fandom I wrote for was Good Omens, which is a fandom I would like to write for more in the future.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

5. Away from Watching Eyes (57)

4. Time Well Spent (69)

3. Tensei Iida: What it Takes to be a Hero (70)

2. Here and There and Gone Again (93)

1. The Three Musketeers of Quirk-Related Chaos (206)

There’s quite a leap there from 2nd to 1st lmao

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes I do! Although often I don’t really know what to say, I’ve written so many variations of “ah thanks :)” in my time.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably my fic with the angstiest ending is Are There Still Beautiful Things? (from my oneshot collection Let There Be Light) although that one was sort of bittersweet too. If I had ever written the 2nd and 3rd parts to Everything We’ve Ever Done it would have caught up to Charlotte disappearing and the group falling apart so that would have had an angsty ending.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Probably Tensei Iida: What it Takes to be a Hero. That fic was very angsty along the way but the ending I think was pretty feel-good (also it’s one of the only multi-chapter fics I ever actually finished.)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I’ve never got like, proper hate, but there was one regular commenter on a fic once who basically disagreed with every choice I made in that fic and would always try to debate my writing with me.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Nope. I don’t think I’d be very good at writing it and I’d be worried about it being awful. I’ll leave that to people who know how to do it.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

The closest thing I’ve written to a crossover was my BBC Ghosts vampire AU which was very heavily influenced by WWDITS.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I’m aware of.

12. Does not exist apparently

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

As they said in their response, I’ve written a few things with @prince-rowan-of-the-forest, but none of it’s ever been posted.

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Yeah I don’t really have one seeing as I tend to change fandoms every few years, and though I do sometimes get briefly sucked back into old fandoms they don’t usually hold the same appeal to me anymore. That said, I have to mention Will/Lyra from HDM because they were one of my first ever ships, back before I knew what shipping was, and there is still a major place for them in my heart now.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I am so sad I fell out of the MHA fandom before I finished TTMOQRC. I had so much planned for that universe that I really wanted to write and it will forever haunt me that I never got to get it all out there. I also wish I’d written more for BBC Vampires because again I had loads of ideas but that AU got so little engagement it was hard to keep my motivation for it.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think my dialogue is pretty good, and I think I’m quite good at characterisation. And I think I come up with a lot of good ideas (specific, I know.) I think I’m good at writing characters’ thought processes too.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Coming up with coherent plots can be ridiculously hard sometimes. I’m also terrible at sticking with WIPs which is why so many of my multi-chapter fics are unfinished.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I think it’s really cool! And it’s something I’d love to do! When I was obsessed with 1899 a while ago I really wanted to write an Ángel/Ramiro fic with dialogue in Spanish because Spanish is probably one of my biggest special interests and I loved the idea of combining it with my current hyperfixation at the time.

However I do think it’s a really hard thing to pull off cause not everyone’s going to speak the language the dialogue is written in and I don’t want to alienate people. And having read some fics where the dialogue was in languages I don’t understand and the translations were included in the notes, I know that sometimes it just doesn’t work.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Shadowhunters. It was written in a notebook and was about a bunch of OCs I made up.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Probably Here and There and Gone Again because I was nervous to write for the Good Omens fandom because of all the amazing fics I’ve read and I was really pleased with how it turned out in the end. Everything We’ve Ever Done is also one of my faves because when I wrote it I was fixated so hard on those characters/that part of the story so it was a real passion project for me.

Tagging: @natequarter @ailendolin and anyone else who wants to do it cause I’m stuck for who else to tag.

#tag game #fanfic #ao3

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kinnbig · 2 years

Text

tagged by @kissporsche and @aikinn thank you ✨

fave colour: yellow or pastel pink 💛🌸

currently reading: omgg technically less by andrew sean greer but i started it in august before the dissertation dread kicked in and still haven’t finished it :( which sucks cause it’s good

last song: lil nas x tales of dominica (one of my favourites from this album! also one of my favourites in general)

last series: the eclipse finale! it was pretty good!

last movie: i genuinely don’t remember the last time i watched a movie lol

currently working on: my gd dissertation… i don’t even want a masters any more at this point i’m so done 😭 this shit is never ending.

…perhaps it would be ending faster if i wasn’t also actively working on multiple fanfics lol:

huuge fic lovingly working-titled ‘the Big-centric pain and sadness compilation’ - canon-compliant Big and Ken backstory spanning from several years pre-canon up to the events of episode 10. ft lots of pining and manipulation and kind of fucked up smut (rated E, 10+ chapters, first chapter nearly ready to post (and multiple completely random chapters complete… why was chapter 7 the first one I wrote?!))

multi-chapter third part to my RamKing series ‘silence and patience’ which is just gonna be several chapters of early relationship fluff and smut and is also basically a KingRam manifesto (rated E, 5 chapters(?), first chapter probably 80% complete)

anOther RamKing fic set in early canon, where bisexual icon King takes his friends to a gay bar and sees Ram flirting with some guy. he can’t believe Ram would give a stranger so much attention but ignore him most of the time and decides the solution is to scare the guy away and aggressively flirt with Ram himself. i’m sure u can guess where it’s going. (rated E, oneshot, 40% complete)

also on the back burner:

BigKen friends with benefits fic (E, oneshot)

some very pre-canon KinnBig smut (E, oneshot)

Porsche and Chay 5+1 - 18-year-old Porsche realises 13-year-old Chay is gay but hasn’t talked to Porsche about it. 5 times where, over the years, Porsche goes out of his way to be the ultimate most supportive ally ever to make sure Chay knows he can tell him, and 1 time Porsche talks to Chay about his own bisexuality. (T, oneshot)

Share 10 different favourite characters from ten different pieces of media in no particular order, then tag 10 people 🎥🎬📺:

Big (KinnPorsche)

Ram (the RamKing show/My Engineer)

Shiv Roy (Succession)

Zuko (Avatar: the Last Airbender)

Klaus Hargreeves (The Umbrella Academy)

Michelle Mallon (Derry Girls)

Sayid Jarrah (Lost)

Paula Proctor (Crazy Ex Girlfriend)

Eric Effiong (Sex Education)

Ianto Jones (Torchwood) (a throwback to one of my earliest blorbos lmao)

tell me why i immediately forgot every piece of media i’ve ever enjoyed in my life…

i’m doing this quite late (sorry) so i’m not sure who has already done this/been tagged so! If you see this and want to do it then consider yourself tagged

😎✌️

#thank u ✨🌸💖🏳️‍🌈🥰#this was fun 😁#also if ur reading this consider it an open invitation to talk to me about any of my fics or blorbos hehe #i love to Discuss #tag game #darcey.txt

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nyanzaya · 2 years

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Going on anon for now but that reverse catnip fic you’ve been working on has been one of the cutest things I’ve read in a while. Literally AS SOON as I get the notification that you updated a chapter I would go and read it. And this isn’t even getting me STARTED on how excited I was that someone was taking that reverse catnip one shot and running with it. Sorry if this is going on long but I really like your work and I want Izaya to continue breaking things. Also thank you for your service (posting nyanzaya content)

Omg… I honestly wasn’t expecting anyone to say anything 😭 it does make me feel good knowing people like it and stuff cause I’m just insecure about multi-chapter fics cause I suck at them lmao but I knew like, I didn’t want Perspective to be a one-shot thing. I honestly haven’t even bothered to look or reread it cause I don’t know I like what i have but I don’t really know how the gauge of ppl are enjoying it or not ?

And I cry you’re welcome Neko!Izaya is literally my life and I have commissions I’m waiting on to share 💕

#;Ooc #anonymous #drrr

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gwyns · 3 years

Note

what would be your ideal elucien arc in canon?

this is a very good question and one i'll probably ramble with so sorry lmao i actually thought about an elucien plot a lot years ago. i had quite a few ideas and was trying to plot my own multi-chapter fic around them but well..... that didn't work out and this ended up getting really long, so i apologize for that lol

so here's the overall gist of what would've/what i would like to eventually happen one day. elain had a vision of lucien being harmed or something along those lines and her instinct had her finding him. whether this was through her learning she could winnow or some other means, i hadn't decided but eventually she'd show up and lucien would be so dumbfounded and question her reason for being there and ask if feyre knew she was here and elain would get defensive like "i didn't realize she was my keeper." and this is the first time lucien has truly seen her bite, her little bit of fire, so he's taken aback a bit but quickly reassures her she needs no keeper and he hadn't meant offense.

she gives an excuse about how she wants to see prythian and that nobody would show her so she decided to show herself, bc she doesn't want to admit she cares for him, even a fraction bc it might give him hope that she ultimately would have to crush. and it's not entirely a lie, she would like to travel and see the world, but it's not the whole truth either.

so moving on they'd partner up and he'd bring elain along on whatever adventures he's getting up to, they'd meet up with jurian and vassa of course and i have this headcanon that she and vassa would be the perfect friends. vassa is human so she'd offer elain something familiar you know? and vassa is also the type to stand her ground and she has a fire of her own so i feel like she'd help elain grow into herself and be more assertive and stroke the fire within elain some. as for elain and jurian.... it's awkward at first bc jurian is partially responsible for elain's turn (at least in her head) and he was there when graysen rejected her and so she overall has had bad experiences when he's around so she doesn't know what to make of him.

over time she comes to find that jurian isn't as intimidating as he first lets on. he's quite considerate and good at reading people, and he knows to some extent what she's gone through (as does vassa), he was tortured and killed by amarantha then bound to her jewelry for 500 years. he understands the feeling of violation and having a fae treat you as some toy and little more, and he apologizes for his part in her trauma. after this, i can see him becoming something of a big brother type to elain, they have a relationship few would understand but they listen to each other's troubles and just get it you know?

anyway, back to her and lucien. i can see them both being kind of reluctant in the beginning? elain bc she doesn't want to give him any ideas and lucien doesn't know want to pressure her so he keeps his distance but as they're working together, with the spring court, koschei, her learning more about her abilities, etc they both start to see how capable they each are and their feelings start to show here. for lucien it's more natural, like he always had a feeling that if he spent enough time with elain he could fall in love with her but with elain? she's freaked out. she doesn't want this, she wants her ability to choose. and maybe it's just the mating bond reacting for her or at least this is what she tells herself to explain away the butterflies she gets whenever lucien smiles at something she said.

at some point they have to travel to the autumn court and lucien is terrified, he doesn't want her anywhere near his family but elain asserts herself and says she's coming whether he likes it or not. he, of course, doesn't object. he just pleads with her to stay close to him the entire time. during their visit(s) they meet with eris and lucien's mother and you don't understand how badly i want elain and his mother to have a good relationship. her own mother only saw her as beautiful and something to capture a titled man to advance their status, she didn't truly see elain either. lady vanserra would be the kind and caring mother she never had and then being close would allow elain to learn more about lucien without asking him directly.

and her and eris? he'd take on the protective older brother role for elain, he would make sure no one even breathed near her unless she wished it so. maybe he'd introduce her to his dogs or something, too.

i can't get into specifics of what would really happen during these visits bc my brain sucks but overall it'd allow elain to learn more of lucien's upbringing and begin to understand him and in turn lucien would learn more about elain's childhood when she'd discuss her mother with lady vanserra.

maybe after this they visit the day court or something so they can view helion's massive library and try to learn more of koschei and elain's powers. they'd bond while studying, it'd start as courteous conversation but it'd soon develop into more intimate questions. maybe she asks about jesminda, who she'd learned some about from feyre and some from the servants in the autumn court, he'd answer her questions but never offer anything more than what he had to. she can tell her death still weighs heavily on him. this is when she really starts paying attention to what exactly she feels through the mate bond, tremendous guilt and, as feyre once described, he's endlessly sad.

this is where things get kinda fuzzy for me bc i never knew how this story would end, like i knew the koschei conflict would be the finale but other than that? nothing lmao but basically i could see elain and lucien growing together very slowly. they start getting comfortable with the faint touches and lingering glances they give each other. it eventually leads to a dark night in the camp and elain can't sleep so she gets up to take a walk but her feet just lead her to wherever lucien is and she sees him without his shirt on, his back is turned to her and she sees the massive scars across his back and can't stop the soft gasp that escapes.

lucien whirls around but elain can't get the image out of her head... who would have been so cruel as to cause those marks? who would dare to touch her mate like that? she knows she should be more worried about how possessive the mate bond makes her, but in this moment it doesn't matter, what matters is who hurt him. and she asks as much, "it's nothing, elain" is his response but she doesn't let up, she steps closer to him and motions for him to turn around, which he does. she hesitantly runs her fingers across his scars, she can feel her rage building, no matter how irrational it is she wants whoever did this dead. she blinks at that thought, but she's not scared no, she wants whoever caused him pain to suffer.

he tells her not to worry and that it's already been taken care of and she reluctantly leaves him to go back to her own tent (or wherever they're sleeping) and tries to sleep but everytime she closes her eyes the image of his scars, how he might have received them, flashes in her mind. then she starts to wonder who gave him the scar on his face, she wonders how she might find out and how she might get the means to return the favor.

also maybe at some point later in the story, they visit the autumn court again, i have a headcanon that elain doesn't only see the future, she can see the past in some cases so maybe she starts seeing this couple in a.... very intimate setting. and she works out the female is lucien's mother, but the male she's with is definitely not beron. this could prompt the helion reveal but honestly idk how that'd all go down.

i really can't tell you how this would all wrap up bc i am so bad at plotting but eventually they meet koschei, they defeat him and there's a scene where they embrace and the confessions come, it starts with lucien,

"i love you. so much. and i choose you. i'd choose you in a hundred–in a thousand different lifetimes."

"do you mean that?"

"i've never meant anything more."

elain brings her hands to his face, caressing his cheeks, then she moves to trace the scar on his face.

she finally says, "i choose you, too, lucien. i love you. now, kiss me... please."

they have the kiss we've all waited 5 books for. she accepts the bond and we all live happily ever after.

#IM BAD AT THIS OK #but i want an elucien book so badly 😭#acotar #elain archeron #lucien vanserra #elucien #asks #acotars #long post

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starlit-dreaming · 4 years

Text

[wip tidbit] it was only one night 5

Fandom: WMMAP Rating: E Ships: Lucathy (with minor Calena) Goal: 15K Words (Oneshot) TL;DR: Modern Setting + Lawyer Athy + IT Expert Lucas + Unplanned Pregnancy from a ONS

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | [5] | 6 | 7 | 8 | x | 9 | 10 | 11

WC Progress: ~8k / 15k

Note: i told myself that i wouldnt make a post when the doc’s wc hit 8k cause like, i’ve been obsessively listening to steven universe music on loop and that did NOT fit the vibe i was going for so i didn’t really think i’d be hitting 8k today lmfao

but surprise, surprise! here we are at 8k words. probably thanks to the fact that E rated stuff wasn’t the only thing i wrote down in my whole draft notes pfff although i’m starting to think that because of the fact that i’m not even halfway through the story timeline-wise, it might actually go beyond 15k ;;;;;;;; if thats the case, then i’m probably going to find a good place to stop for a while and turn it into a multi-chapter fic for when i post it on ao3

this time the juicy NotSafeForWyn-worthy bits are under the Read More for people who want to read that as well as for the sake of the people who want to avoid it lmao (you know which one you are)

“Do you already have name ideas for the baby?”

“Maybe Orion if they’re a boy — I think Oreo would be a cute nickname,” Athanasia murmurs, her eyes drifting over to the photo of her and her mother. She was only four years old in the picture, but she could remember her mother’s beautiful smile. “And Ariadne, if they’re a girl,” she smiles, because originally, she wanted to name their possible daughter ‘Ana’, a nod to her and her mother’s name, but ultimately decided against it.

Lucas paused, thinking over the names. “The names aren’t that bad, but… if you’re going to name our possible son ‘Orion’, we should probably look into a different spelling or a different name. It looks too similar to Onion, and chances are, he’ll get teased over it if we name him that.”

“Oh, good point,” she nodded, writing a note on the list of potential names. “I might change it just a bit to Aurian then, but I don’t know. Hmm… Aurelius is also a good name for a boy, too — Elias would be a cute nickname. Aria or Elias. Ari or Eli.”

“I guess that works,” Lucas comments, looking over her shoulder. “It definitely fits the fancy name scheme your family has — Ariadne Obelia or Aurelius Obelia…” he paused, noticing the confusion written all over Athanasia’s face. “What, did I say something wrong?”

“Well, I just,” Athanasia rubbed the back of her neck, cheeks pink. “I thought that they would have your last name, instead. Because even though my last name would probably sound better, Aria Hwang sounds really cute, and Elias Hwang sounds much better than if we used Obelia, in my opinion.”

“You… want to give them my last name?”

(She doesn’t know if he ever found what he was looking for.)

“Was the lay worth it?” Cabel asked, snickering.

She paused, cheeks pink, “Does it make me a bad person if I said yes?”

“Athy!” Helena gasped as Cabel laughed at her answer.

Lucas takes his time kissing her now, finding delight in making her squirm and moan as he teases Athanasia with purposeful touches. His teeth lightly scraping across her skin. His lips kissing her inner thighs and leave reddening marks across her skin — easily hidden, but undoubtedly felt with every movement she makes. And still, he continues to tease her, sucking on each nipple until they’re pert and stiff as he fingers her open.

There’s an insufferable smirk on his face that turns her on, but it also makes her want to punch it off.

For now, preferably both.

“Well, now,” Lucas seemed to tease, his hands brushing against her inner thigh, causing her to gulp from how sensitive her thighs were. She clenches down on nothing. “I know I’m handsome, but I never would’ve thought that you would be this wet for me already.”

“Ugh, will you just get a move on already—” As if anticipating her response, he presses his finger against her clit through her panties. The sudden sensation causes her to moan, there’s a spark as he rubs against the bundle of nerves that it causes her eyes to tear up more, her hips arching up, grinding into that single finger through the thin, wet layer of her panties.

Just as she was about ready to snap at Lucas again, to demand that he stopped teasing, the insufferable tease knew the perfect way to catch her off guard.

He tugs her panties off, leaning down to lock his mouth to her clit and sucked. The unexpected force of it causes her to gasp loudly, back arching as she throws her head back against the bed, the balls of her feet pressing against his back. Two of his fingers slip into her, sliding in and out with ease, and the relentless pace, the unwavering pressure that keeps building up more and more — it makes her melt and cry out as she bursts.

And for a minute, he just keeps going, drawing out the overwhelming pleasure.

She can feel the smug curve of his lips against her body before he finally stops, giving her a moment to breathe.

“You're terrible. Absolutely terrible,” she grumbles, shooting him a withering look.

“I thought I was doing pretty good with all those cute gasps,” he states impishly, that smug grin still on his face. “Do I need to do something to redeem myself, your highness? Should I properly eat you out this time?”

That was not what she meant and he knows it. And right now, that’s not what she wants from him.

“Just fuck me already!”

Tagging: @ilyusha-hwang @lithium-15 @bloodredruby

#lucathy #wip tidbit #wynter writes #fic: it was only one night

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jisungsmochi · 3 years

Text

fanfic writers tag game!

—fanfic writers tag game!

tagged by @skrtbabe

“also i just wanna see nat do this bc you never do tag games imo, so the pressure is on you bestie!!” -- i gotchu bestie

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

if you scroll wayyy back down (might take a few years) but i used to write for seventeen and wannaone! (oh and for 5sos on wattpad in 2015 but we don’t talk about that)

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for?

just nct dream at the moment! i might consider doing some p1harmony scenarios but idk about full on fics yet!

3. how long have you been writing?

i’m gonna expose myself: i’ve been ‘writing’ since like 2014-2015 but they were so shitty. i properly started writing fics at the end of 2019 when i graduated highschool cause i had so much time on my hands lmao

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?

tumblr but i used to write on wattpad lol

5. what is your favourite genre to write?

mutual pining / strangers to lovers / friends to lovers?? i would say i do a lot of fluffy fics bc i’m kinda bad at writing angst

6. are you a pantser or a planner?

i used to just go with the flow but nowadays for my longer fics i write down the main ideas in dot points or short sentences to help the fic flow better and stay on track!

7. one shot or multi-chapter?

one shots !! they seem more complete to me. i think i only have a few multi chapter fics on my blog

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?

hmm 6-8k??

9. what is your longest published story?

i think it was around 10k HAHA

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?

confessions - jisung — i put a lot of personal experience into it and was just really happy to share it !!

11. favourite request you've have written and why

uhh i don’t really get requests 😓

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?

i think i always make the guy a simp lowkey AHAHHA — i’m just projecting oop. oh and i also always have my characters at parties...it’s too repetitive so i’m trying to avoid that with my future stuff

13. current number of wips?

three !!

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing?

1. i kinda suck at making good descriptions,, i always think i can do better after i’ve posted it grrr

2. they’re all pretty basic and fluffy?? i haven’t branched out to anything outside my comfort zone / experiences

3. i love putting in quirky and witty dialogue

15. a quote you like from a published story

“are you insane or just dumb?” you scold the boy who was dressed in a baggy black hoodie and those same grey sweatpants from saturday.

“both? i couldn’t stop thinking about you” his lip cocked into a smirk as he stepped closer to you, hands now rested at your waist.” from ‘just one night’ - jaemin

i just think it’s so funny and something jaemin would actually say / do

16. a quote from an unpublished story

“do you think i’m an awful person?” y/n suddenly brought up, catching the quiet boy off guard.

“no” for some reason she felt relieved.

“i think you’re a decent person, who may have done some bad things. it doesn’t make you an awful person” he answered simply, stating it as if it was a matter of fact. she couldn’t hide the small grin from forming on her face.” from my untitled renjun fic !

17. space for you to say something to your readers

thankyou to everyone who has read / liked / reblogged my work! it brings a smile to my face everytime i get a notification on here. it brightens up my day and i’m so glad i have a wonderful outlet to express my admiration for these idols. i love you all!! - nat <33

#lisa aka jaemin’s gf 💗#was this good enough?!?!#hope u got to know me better!!#tag games 🌟

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kiribakuhappiness · 3 years

Note

Oooo fic ask game-

7: Were there any ideas you had for "A Secret Admirer" that you couldn’t make work? What were they?

And

4: Tell me about one of your abandoned WIPs. Why did you abandon it?

Fic Ask Game:

7: Were there any ideas you had for "A Secret Admirer" that you couldn’t make work? What were they?

Ahahxbha - there were SO MANY things that I wanted “A Secret Admirer” to be, and while it didn’t exactly turn out quite like I planned, I still really enjoy it for what it is and am happy that others enjoy it too!

Secret Admirer was a really big deal for me because it was my first multi-chapter project that I was determined to finish. What a lot of people don’t tell you about writing is that your story changes as you write it, and a lot of people don’t like that. They clam up, they shut down, they try to stubbornly cling to the original draft because they can’t see the story as anything other than how they envisioned it when they first came up with it - but this is all just one big mind game!

Usually, the original draft you begin a story with is so not as amazing as you think it is. You want to believe it is! Because it’s your story and you love it and everyone thinks their baby is the cutest one of the whole bunch! But the reality is that as things grow and gain substance, they start to morph and change, and it’s up to you as the writer to follow these changes and adjust accordingly. Usually the story you end up with is 10x better than the story you started with because by the end of it, you’ve written a whole story! Your writing is already so much better! Your skills have already improved and you haven’t even realized it yet!

It’s so crazy - who needs drugs when you can get high off this feeling, right?! (It’s me. I need the drugs. But regardless - )

For Secret Admirer, I had a few very important key points when I was mapping it out. I wanted the puking scene with Bakugou (because it was a hint at Bakugou’s suspicions that Kirishima was his secret admirer), I wanted the bathroom scene with Midoriya and Todoroki (because it would help shift further suspicion onto Ochako’s new-found friendship with Bakugou), I wanted the interaction between Kirishima and Tetsutetsu where they discuss Class 1-B’s conversations about Bakugou (because it would help widen the pool of suspects while simultaneously pushing Kirishima closer to his breaking point), I wanted Tokoyami’s scene (because it was HILARIOUS), and I wanted Bakugou to show Kirishima the text conversation at the end of the story (because it would help to tie in his perspective without actually having to switch POVs because at that point why even bother, the rest of the story was solely in Kirishima’s POV and so I wanted it to stay like that).

Literally everything else I came up with while I was writing it. The whole chapter about breaking into the school was totally unplanned and yet I really enjoyed it because it felt like a well-deserved comedic break like the infamous Episode 8 Beach Scenes, and the whole bit about Kirishima throwing his pencil at Bakugou’s head during their exam - these were all moments that I didn’t plan for but I’m really glad they made it in the story!

As far as what I was originally thinking for the fic and how it turned out, though, I don’t think there’s any ideas I couldn’t really make work if I thought that they were important enough to include! I guess I really don’t like how I wrote certain scenes or how I expressed certain emotions, but aside from that, I’m happy with the story for what it is! A light-hearted, goofy mystery with Kirishima being insecure and Bakugou not understanding cause uuuh, you’re MY best friend?? You think I’d ever be friends with a loser?? C’mon now Kirishima, fucking get it together. LMFAO!

4: Tell me about one of your abandoned WIPs. Why did you abandon it?

Oof. I have so many abandoned fic babies :(

A lot of the time I abandon a fic merely because I’m not having fun with it anymore, which is kind of dumb because the cold hard truth about writing is that no matter how much you love your story, fuck, you’re gonna get so damn tired of it before you ever even finish it. I promise you that. And that’s okay! Obviously you’re going to get tired of it, you’ve been staring at the damn thing for 18 chapters or 150,000 words or whatever at this point!

The hardest thing about being a writer (because writing is soooo easy and everyone can just Do It) is sticking with a project even after all of that initial ecstasy and serotonin has worn off. There is not a single multi-chapter fic I’ve written that I’m not glad is finally fucking finished lmfao! But now it’s done and it’s out in the world and other people can enjoy it for the very first time just like you did! And that’s where the reward comes in.

I think one of my more popular abandoned fics (I haven’t explicity decided it’s abandoned but I also haven’t written in it for several months nor do I ever really plan to get back into it) is Bunch of Fucking Idiots.

I know, I know. You love Bunch of Fucking Idiots. I do too! Seriously! But... my perspective on literally all of the characters has changed so drastically since I first started writing that fic that now even my own characters feel too OOC for me :,D

It was really fun while I was writing it - and I really believe in Bakugou’s character development in that story - but god, I just don’t want to write it anymore. And that sucks!

But at the same point, I would rather thank the fic for what it has given me in regard to my writing ability and turn around and actually finish writing something else, like ExplodoKillzHorror or Katsuki’s Wedding Studio! And I think as long as you’re continuing to learn and grow that it is absolutely okay to decide that you’ve outgrown even one of your own fics! You’re not the same person you were ten months ago and you’re not the same person you were yesterday, that’s the beauty of personal growth!

This all also explains why I love one-shots way more than multi-chapters = it’s one and done! I can construct and tell a fun and engaging story and then when it’s done it’s done and I can move onto the next thing, but I enjoy reading multi-chapters so much that sometimes I convince myself I can finish one too :,D

Thank you so so much for the questions! I hope these answers are somewhat enjoyable to read lmao, I’m having a lot of fun talking about it at least so that’s something! <3

#ask game #writing ask game #kiribaku #kiribaku fics #bnha #asks

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ladymarys · 4 years

Text

hello newtina/fantastic beasts stans, especially for those of you that are content creators and/or die-hards...

i know i don’t interact much on this platform (much less initiate the interaction) and i know i’m a bit late and you’ve probably already been discussing this amongst yourselves, but i just wanted to talk to you all about That Thing

this is a bit long so you can skip to the TL;DR at the bottom if you want, but i would also appreciate it if you read the whole thing.

just to be clear, i am not going to defend her.

so that happened.

to be honest with you, i am disappointed but not surprised. jkr has been floundering with her revelations about the wizarding world post-potter film series, and also her political views for years now (really, the earliest thing i can remember was around 2014-ish when she said harry and hermione ought to have ended up together; let me tell you, even as a harry/hermione shipper, i still found it so pointless of her to say that).

at a certain point in around 2018 (just a little bit before crimes of grindelwald came out) i started to think i would no longer be able to defend her (not just to other people, but mainly to myself). this was because at the time, she had already been spotted liking transphobic tweets on twitter. then, when the final cog trailer came out, the nagini thing quite irked me too, and the backlash against her upset me. i was so excited for cog, i didn’t want people tearing it down.

and then, of course, the film came out, and people tore it down even more. that upset me even more. i told myself fb3 will be the make-or-break for me. if it sucks, like cog did, i’m out.

but i’m not just disappointed, i’m also deeply, deeply devastated. I’m sure most of you are, too. (i haven’t yet reached the anger stage, i think.)

i’m sure most of you have also thought about the horrifying likelihood that this could cut the fb series short. even if jkr apologizes for what she’s said, nothing she does from this point forward will ever be taken the same anymore. long gone are the days when people attended harry potter film premieres chanting “Rowling is our queen!” and it’s depressing. i was rooting for her. we all were.

even more, we love her world and her characters so much. i watched fantastic beasts for the first time in 2017 and fell so in love with the main four characters and newtina that come 2018, i revived my then barely used stan twitter account to connect with many newtina stans alike and met two people i grew very close to, have actually met up with in person, and am still very close to. from there, i was inspired to make so much content for the fandom; i’ve written fanfics, i’ve made graphics, i’ve made probably cringe-worthy threads on twitter talking about how in love newt and tina are, i even made a cog-themed icon pack on twitter (take note, i was only part-time employed at the time lmao).

we were blessed with such a remarkable cast. our main cast so clearly enjoy working with each other and having the wizarding world as their playground. they love their characters so dearly and it makes me even sadder. because they deserve better. we all deserve better.

i don’t think warner brothers can just...fire jkr. i really don’t think they can. her name carries the wizarding world. and even if they did, who would replace her? steve kloves? jack thorne? anyway, rowling wouldn’t let that happen.

my question is: what happens now?

do we just...stop?

long before this happened, i read a fan artist (i believe it’s the wonderful sydsketch!) who has made some great art work for both hp and fb (and still does, i think) say that they no longer see jkr in the same light as they once did, and that they’ve accepted that the wizarding world has outgrown her, or maybe it was the other way around. and i agree. (one of my potterhead friends irl told me that the messages in her writing just don’t align with what she says on twitter. dissonance, luv.)

but i guess maybe the wound (which has been there for a while and unfortunately has been violently opened once more) is still too fresh. full disclosure: i’ve never been in a relationship before and i keep wondering, is this what it feels like to break up with someone? probably, right? i’m devastated, i’m losing sleep, and i’m having a hard time thinking of anything else. to make things worse, my anxiety totally blew up during this lockdown lmao.

as a newtina die-hard, i refresh the newtina tag on ao3 multiple times a day (it’s been second nature for maybe...a bit over two years?), so if you’re a newtina fic writer and you’re reading this then i have most likely read your work. during this pandemic, i’ve been taking time to plan and start writing a multi-chapter newtina fic that i’m really determined to finish. but i’m not sure i could write it now, or maybe i just need a break then i’ll be good to go again.

so, TL;DR (though i really do appreciate if you read everything):

for fic writers and content creators, i’m wondering: are you going to be continuing your fb WIPs? are you even still going to stay in the fandom?

this is the first fandom i’ve been in that has caused me so much pleasure but possibly even more pain, so for those of you who have had experiences like this before, how did you deal with it?

if you have any other thoughts about being in the fandom during a difficult time, conflicting feelings about loving the wizarding world but no longer loving its creator, or anything related to this at all, please feel free to reply or even message me here privately. we must stick together!

also, side note: if any of you are familiar with fic writer olivemartini, who wrote some wonderful newtina fics back in 2016/17; i recently looked them up on ao3, wanting to re-read those fics but found they had deleted their stories. i found them on wattpad and asked if they would ever post the newtina fics they wrote from before but they said that only the fics already posted on wattpad are the ones that will be posted. yeah, another thing to mourn

edit: if i do choose to stay in the fandom, i’ll probably only limit myself to reading fics. writing them, i’m not sure

#thoughts under the cut #i just wanna talk about the jkr thing and i want your thoughts on how this will affect your time in the fandom #newtina #fantastic beasts #fbawtft

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