#and the way ppl in my life have treated me in terms of this specifically has been...abusive at worst and dismissive at best

[lakesbian]

rachel and alec are specifically interesting to me re the undersider Situations as of early worm posting. thats right for the first time in my life im saying rachel specifically is interesting to me. everyone on the team is at least a bit lonely i think but it's so loud and obvious with rachel, because she's loud and obvious about everything. she's a disabled teen who's been homeless since she was very young. she was deeply abused by the foster home system, and the legal system responded to her wounded and confused outbursts as an autistic child by criminalizing her and hunting her down. she can't exist in public without the cops being called. society has done everything to demonstrate that it doesn't want her, and then blames her when she doesn't trust people.

brian says that the undersiders are the closest thing she can have to friends. alec says that they're the closest thing she has to a family. (which is an entire can of worms in itself wrt alec's relation to the undersiders.) and both of those things are true, but there's also something so tragic in their assumption that their tenuous connection w/ rachel where she can only just barely tolerate them is the best she can ever have. they're the only people she can even remotely trust to have her back or treat her somewhat fairly instead of fucking her over, but they're still fundamentally considering her beyond close connection, less of a friend or someone to attempt befriending and more of someone to keep on a leash. of course taylor is the only one to actually get close to her--taylor is the only one who tries to engage with her, as a person, on rachel's own terms, instead of begrudgingly tolerating her. rachel :(

& alec is the other team member who's in the Extra Lonely Isolation Club...he gets silly with the team sometimes, he has his little teenage banter w/ brian, he and lisa are clearly very familiar with each other in the way ppl who've been living together for a year and a half are. it's really good for him. it's the first time in his entire life he's gotten to have a consistent home with his own belongings, and he's getting to have it because he's part of the undersiders. the undersiders are literally the first people in his entire life that approach counting as a friendship. he gets SO FUCKING MAD!!! when he leaps to assuming that rachel stole the money from them. he gets So Mad he immediately goes "i vote we kill her" and then goes on a seething rant about how he wouldn't have thought she'd do that since the undersiders are the closest she has to family, but apparently she would. and the projection is so obvious! he's not wrong about applying the sentiment to rachel, but there's a reason he goes farther than brian's "closest she has to friends" and into the more intimate territory of "closest she has to family"--the two-way street there means that the undersiders are the closest he has to family, and the idea of being betrayed by one of them hurts enough to trigger the aggression he always displays when he's feeling vulnerable.

and he still doesn't tell them Jack Shit. he obviously lies to them all the fucking time, because brian is under the impression that he "dropped out" of school, when the reality is that he never went. even lisa brings up heartbreaker to taylor without any awareness that he's the father of the boy she's been living with for over a year. alec spends most of the early arcs in worm in dissociative, depressed fugues. the other undersiders have lengthy conversations where they're sharing personal info and he's just trailing along behind them, not speaking for so long that even the readers can forget he's there. lonely broken little shell of a boy who is so empty all of the time and does not even know it. aisha cannot get here fast enough if i have to see him being depressed and disconnected for one (1) more chapter i will explode

#wormtime 2 #wormtime 2 arc 4 #wormblr #parahumans

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hey... i mean this in a completely respectful way and i'm sorry if it comes off as otherwise, but i'm genuinely curious about all the anti narc abuse content on your blog... while i fully believe that it's possible for pwNPD to not abuse people, i also fully believe that ppl can be extremely traumatized by pwNPD (two of my friends have mothers with NPD and have extreme trauma stemming from said mothers NPD traits) so i'm genuinely just curious what exactly you mean by "narc abuse"??? i'm really sorry if i offend anyone but i'm just- genuinely curious and hoping to learn more about the disorder because i've had a lot of pwNPD in my life and wanna know more about how they work, how to treat them, etc

Hi! No worries, I accept all questions that are in good faith, and if i can be honest I really admire your desire to learn more, AND I admire the fact that you're so candid about your current feelings about pwNPD. I'd much rather have a person who is willing to learn more after having had bad experiences with pwNPD, than a person who doesn't know anything about NPD and just inherently assumes the worst of us.

But to answer your question: I don't think there's a single neurodivergent person out there - narcissist or otherwise - who denies the fact that their disorder/disability can make them act in ways that they wouldn't act if they were neurotypical. However, no one is abusive/rude/toxic/whatever SOLELY because of their mental illness or PD or disability. For instance, I've had some friends who were really rude to me due to the fact that their Autism makes social cues difficult, but they didn't "autistically abuse" me or anything, and I don't "autistically abuse" people when I myself fumble with social cues due to my own Autism.

(Obviously 'not understanding social cues' isn't comparable to abuse anyway, but you get what I'm trying to say, right?)

While some pwNPD might indeed be "bad people" - for lack of a better term - due to their NPD, that isn't the case for the vast majority of pwNPD, so terms like "narcissist abuse" or equating narcissism with abuse hurts all pwNPD and further stigmatizes the disorder. Even the people whose toxic or abusive behavior can be contributed to their NPD, it's still harmful to call it narcissist abuse, bc it implies that it's ONLY the fact that they have a personality disorder that makes them abuse people, and thus it's only possible for them to stop abusing people if they recover (please note PDs are really hard if not impossible to make a full recovery from).

Also, there's not really any specific flavor of abuse that's exclusive to pwNPD. Like, what does narc abuse mean? That you're a selfish, entitled asshole who constantly puts other people down to feel better about yourself? Well, there's plenty of people without NPD that are like that! Does it mean that you're blind to your loved one's feelings and always prioritize yourself over them and don't care when your loved one is hurting? That's not exclusive to NPD either! Most "narc abuse" behaviors can really be attributed to ANY abuser, regardless of neurotype. I'd even argue that there's more people withOUT npd that do those behaviors than there are people with.

I hope that helped, let me know if you have any more questions!

#narc safe #narc abuse

[royalbilliards]

i would LOVE to hear your opinion on maruki's therapy bc i see a lot of ppl saying he sucked as a therapist and i've never seen one so i can't really say anything with certainty...... but idk, i want joker to have at least an okay therapist just because it's a nice touch. also i think it's more satisfying narratively when maruki is someone joker can lean on for support and get attached to, but then has to oppose because shitty actualization. idk. pathetic wet man makes me go brrrrrr

Welcome to the autism zone.

So a lot of my thoughts on maruki’s therapy comes from my own experiences with a therapist in the past (I’m trying to get a new one right now) but. A lot of what Maruki’s ‘confidant perks’ and what they’re called suggest he’s giving Joker treatment for anxiety and depression, which makes a lot of sense given the way he acts in public outside of the joker persona, and the situation he’s in at Shujin (being bullied, for lack of a better term because it’s 5 am and I just woke up, and ostracised due to Kamoshida spilling his criminal record).

Practices like mindfulness and wakefulness sound like bullshit when you first have to start them, mostly because of the names, but the practices themselves are grounding techniques, being able to be present in your body, aware of your surroundings, and not letting yourself spiral via panic or depression and stuff. Detox is a term for drug addiction and alcoholism rehab, they’re not exactly practices we know Joker needs help with, but they’re most likely preventative measures, so that he doesn’t go Down those paths BECAUSE of his situation, which honestly makes sense, depression, anxiety, bullying from peers and the rest of it, including his criminal record and the way Japan treats students with criminal records, it makes sense that Joker could have easily gone down those routes if he didn’t have his friends and the metaverse to blow off steam and have an outlet for his emotions that he isn’t allowed to have in his day to day life. Flow is also a form of therapy treatment for handling depression, and mostly focus’ on capturing moments of positive mental states and allowing yourself to be completely focused and involved in Enjoyable activities that make you happy.

Because all of these therapy treatments that we get named from his confidant perks are Real therapy treatments that both Work and are widely used to treat specific mental health problems (Depression, Anxiety and Self-worth) we get both an insight into how Joker is actually feeling about things outside of what he shows and how useful these techniques are in his actual day to day life, because he’s using them to handle stressful situations in the metaverse.

There’s also the fact that Before everything, and AFTER everything, Joker doesn’t seem to hold much animosity towards Maruki, yes Akechi does and he’s Totally allowed to hate him, but neither Yoshizawa or Joker do, when Yoshizawa is more than justified in being angry and frustrated with him. And it might just be due to the abysmal lack of characterisation Yoshizawa gets, but mostly she seems like she too, like Joker, WANTS to help him, because we know that Maruki himself struggles with Self-worth problems, delusions of grandeur, a messiah complex (in both definitions of the term) anxiety and depression (along with a few other spicier things I don’t feel like mentioning because I’d need to bring up the psa’s on how demonised disorders need to be treated with respect since no one can do that on the internet). But there doesn’t seem to Be animosity between the three of them. Mostly just worry about someone they both cared about, and trusted.

There’s also the fact that, Jokers interactions with Maruki do not End After you help him with his research, we’re just cut off from the interaction at that point, because Joker in canon is explaining to Sae other more important things, he probably doesn’t feel the need to tell her the confidential therapy treatment he’s receiving at school. Their interaction continues, we get a fade to black, so it’s obvious he is getting actual therapy treatment, but Maruki has probably picked up on Jokers earth shattering savior complex and is easing him into the idea of therapeutic treatment by having him assist in his research, so Joker is more inclined to accept the help, since it’s a Transaction to Joker. If Maruki had more time to be Jokers therapist, and I assume he would have at some point Offered to continue his work as Jokers therapist after his tenure at Shujin ending, he would have eventually been able to work on that with Joker, and weaned him off Needing to help people all the time, and viewing social interactions as a transactional thing.

Anyways, yeah, I don’t think Maruki is a bad therapist outside of the horrors, I think people just don’t think about it because it isn’t spoon fed to them in a social link interaction, which is where the assumption that he’s Only using Joker as a sounding board comes from. But what would I know I just did media studies and have a special interest in analysing media, SHRUG

#virtype #anon #do I main tag this. hm. i will think about that when I wake up #decided I do main tag it #takuto maruki #persona 5 royal #persona 5 #p5meta #p5r spoilers

[booksandpaperss]

kind of obsessed with the fact you've slowly gotten more blatant with heartstopper hate lmfao😭 it's like. fine to me it's cute but NOTHING SERIOUS IS EVER GOING ON so I gotta be in a really specific mood for it I still haven't watched s2. definitely couldn't be a fixation. and everyone fucking loves it it's the best thing since sliced bread and I'm like. why tho. and then any critique of it is sorta dumbed down to "oh you just don't like how sweet it is but teenagers deserve sweet romance" like ok but why's it gotta be boring though. and too healthy like beyond normal levels of healthy. like this is missing even the usual human levels of miscommunication. and it gets resolved too easy. sorry this was supposed to cut off 4 sentences ago I'm realizing now in your inbox that I apparently have beef with heartstopper

LKSSJJSJS LISTEN listen. I don’t even hate it. truly. I even genuinely enjoyed myself during the nick and Charlie parts bc that’s the part that thought is actually put into. I just hate how much everyone loves it so blindly

honestly my biggest beef with it is that it’s marketed and treated as the most genuine and diverse groundbreaking queer storyline there is when that’s literally so far from true and it really really shows ppls true colors when they think this bc the sapphics and POC are literal props it’s actually absurd for a show that’s supposed to be a safe space for queer ppl

and god do I hate that part of the reason it’s so popular is bc it portrays these queer teenagers as never having a single, physical thought in their entire life. there was this whole plot centered around one single hickey that Charlie had??? and something abt the physical attraction portion of it all, which they did try to show btw, felt disingenuous to me. and I know that’s why it’s so palatable to a mainstream audience and it pisses me off and again it just doesn’t feel genuine. which is ironically one of the main arguments against heartstopper criticism: “it’s not cringe it’s just earnest” when yeah maybe it’s Trying to be earnest but when u look at it from more than a surface level lens it’s not rlly succeeding

and I know the aroace storyline in season 2 with Isaac resonated with a lot of people and I think that’s wonderful, and I actually do think that was something that was done well, but how can you have a storyline around asexuality when you don’t show the contrast in how it is being an allosexual queer person. there was a whole lot of romantic attraction going on but even more tip toeing around the sexual attraction aspect. and I don’t expect it to be like sex education for example in terms of the focus on sex obv , but the lack of acknowledgment of that aspect of the queer experience paired with how much the uwu wholesomeness of it all is played up rlly rubs me the wrong way. once again: it feels dishonest

I was actually talking about this with one of my mutuals the other day and they pointed out that it is very plain that alice olseman did not consult a single queer man in the writers room. and if someone can prove this wrong be my guest but I rlly don’t think the whole physical attraction component would have been done so badly had an actual queer man been on the team. feels kind of like back in summer 2022 when byler shippers would literally shun and harass anyone who even implied that Will’s feelings for Mike probably included physical attraction meanwhile Noah Schnapp himself was making jokes about it bc he’s an actual gay teenager.

not gonna even get into right now how Tara and darcy felt even more like props this season than in the last one and I didn’t even like watching their scenes bc the writing itself felt performative. that’s a whole other post.

and man, wouldn’t it have been so nice if there had actually been people of color in that writers room. On a purely surface level heartstopper has a very diverse cast but once again, peel away even one layer and you realize it’s a bunch of tokenism, which brings me full circle back to my original point: you can’t say it’s peak representation and diversity when it’s whitewashed as hell and doesn’t gaf abt sapphics despite literally being written by one. guess she chose her whiteness over her queerness even when writing a queer story which wowwww sooooo original.

okayyyy anyways did NOT mean to write a whole essay but u discovering ur own beef reminded me of mine lmaooo

all of this was to say that basically I’m not gonna pretend I didn’t enjoy myself during parts of the show, and I don’t wanna shame ppl for liking it that is not at all what I’m trying to do here, it has its own place in queer media and if a show like this came out in like 2010 it would be groundbreaking despite its issues (but again it’s literally 2023 do fucking better) , but I take issue with people treating it like something it’s not and with the amount of love it gets I feel like I have to be really loud about my criticism of it, especially bc usually the criticism of the show that gets any attention isn’t even slandering it for the right reasons and like. if ur gonna hate on something queer and popular do it right

oh and heartstopper writers? maybe try speaking with an actual teenager once in your life before writing their dialogue they do not fucking communicate that well

okay I’m done now finally 🫡

#sorry rori I don’t know what came over me #booksandpaperss asks #should I make myself a rant tag #elli rants

[bcofl0ve]

this is a question that's always interested me, so forgive me if you've already been asked this. but in another universe*hypothetically* if v and aus were still together do you think everyone would actually like, like them together? even with knowing that she probably didn't treat him all that nicely. how do you think our fandom would look??

speaking about the public at large and not just *my* personal opinion...i think it would've been not great for public perception. like i joke about how he was probably relieved he was #free during the whole "wellll people are gonna dieeee buttt" covid thing but. i think it is gen for the better he is still tied to someone who is like problematic-lite, and like, problematic publicly lol. though granted if they kept up the pda to the extent that it was amped up in older pap photos then maybe ppl would be willing to forgot about that haha. one thing stan twitter loves is pda pap photos of cute actors!

if she *wasn't* problematic in the ways she is i don't think i'd mind her. she's a pretty gal, and i can't knock her being WooWoo or anything like that bc i too am a woowoo girlie. i actually caught shit on here before the whole 'crying' comment debacle/the talk about her not being nice to him bc i was so neutral on her that i bordered into defending her a smidge. i know how it can "look" for fandoms of ppl of the male gender to really go to the mat against a woman in their life. but at this point, i think disliking her and disliking her *publicly* is just fine and not like, misogynist.

in terms of our fandom specifically? i think at large, if she was the same problematic girl is now that we'd mostly ignore her and that there'd be a lot of "well austin isn't her, she's her own person" talk whenever she did something dumb. with some more intense discourse if the stuff about her not being nice to him came out while they were still together.

but if this was in an AU where she's without any issues, i think the same people that are really gung ho about hating kaia would hate her too. ive said this before but while *some* of the shit k gets is directed at her individually re: her parents/her being a nepo baby...anyone he was with would have ppl who want him single up in arms for one reason or another. off topic from vanessa, but it always makes me giggle when (moreso on twitter, not here) ppl who i know are anti-kaia go on and on about missing auslivia/fantasize about them getting back together. likeeeeee. babe be fr. you would be in line to burn olivia at the damn stake if those roles were really all swip swapped. i love olivia to death, but she's objectively somewhat of a messy figure in austin land. i can vividly see all the hypothetical "austin is pushover for letting her get away with blah blah blah, she's clearly manipulating him, poor austin! boo privileged australian rich girl!" posts from the anti-girlfriends if they had worked out or gotten back together lololol. (and before someone fusses at me over even these hypotheticals, i know it'll never happen! i am a lot of things, but not completely delulu)

something something the grass always looks greener on the other side...

#misc austin gossip #cactus and sofa

[mymegumi]

HAII im late but here’s my entry for the matchups thing 🥹🥹

name: logan ⭐️

preferred anime: jjk !!

preferred gender: you can roll the dice for me 🤓

fave thing abt the holidays: definitely the weather, if we’re talking abt christmas in the northern hemisphere i love when it gets cold bc im so used to living in tropical weathers n i love wearing sweaters when i go out, also im lowkey domestic as fuck so spending it w the ppl i love in my family is also nice 🥹

personality wise i come off pretty unserious 80% of the time but it’s all in jest, i truthfully struggle with expressing my raw emotions/thoughts out loud sometimes so im more of an action person (my love language is quality time which explains it pretty well, i basically am very much a “i dont know how to tell you i like being with you in a way that fully encompasses it so let me make up for that by dedicating all of my time to you”). also my aesthetics/interests and overall likes tend to lean more towards anything alt/niche and ‘nonconforming’ as i have this innate desire to be as unique as possible (yes i was an edgy not like other girls teenager and yes i regret it) but i draw inspiration from the world around me and i could never see myself without the people i hold dear to my heart :’) im also a huge nerd lol im a stem major specifically astrophysics and i like to think im pretty smart but just suck at explaining/teaching things to others so yeah. this is probably more than u even needed from me but i hope this works !! 😭

hi logan!!!! its soooo good to get to know u more and i hope u know that i am so excited to get to know ever MORE! but for this wintery match up today, i match you with:

GOJO SATORU !

listen, i think gojo lowkey loves that ur like shy w ur affection and is always teasing you abt it!! he tries to get u to say u love him n he’s always always trying to make u blush or get flustered!!! he thinks it’s such a treat when you finally, finally tell him you love him and will absolutely smother you in affection when you do! he says, yeah i’ll love you enough for the both of us, baby, don’t even worry. he also loves! loves that you’re smart and that he can talk to you about his jujutsu and even can explain the limits of it and the mechinations in a way that he can’t with ppl that don’t understand physics/calculus. he thinks it’s so nice to be able to have someone even remotely on the same level as him in terms of like,, his jujutsu!! and i think that he’d also appreciate how you were so much smarter than him in certain aspects. he also loves ur perspective on life and i can see y’all having vvv nice convos abt the world and how both of you see it!!! it’s just such a wholesome lil couple and ik that he’s ur fave but i truly think y’all would get along rlly well and have good convos. and he would be so teasing and pretend to be hurt when u say smth lowkey mean and make u give him kisses and apology!!!

RUNNER UPS: ⠀ ෆ none ⠀ ⠀ ⤿ tbh i lit cant think of anyone else that would be a ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ better match for you loge!!!

gojo laughs with his chest as you brush at your hair, eyes concentrated and brows furrowed as you try to get the melting snow out of your hair. his chest is light, full of joy and happiness at the ease of which he feels with you. “baby, why are you so grumpy? it’s just a little snow in your hair.”

“i know it’ll melt, but my hair was so cute tonight!” you grumble, hands clutching onto gojo’s as he attempts to tuck a stray piece behind your ear. “ugh, whatever. let’s just keep walking.”

“okay, princess.” he knows not to argue with you, because he’s smart and he loves you. “want to get a coffee at that cafe?”

“yes please.” you pout, tucking yourself as close to gojo as you can for warmth. putting an arm over your shoulder, he rests his head on your not-so-soggy hair. “i can pay.”

“don’t insult me like that.” he huffs, tugging on a piece of your hair gently. he loves to spoil you, and you just hate letting him have his way. too bad you were stuck with him now, though.

back to main masterlist

#event!twelvedaysofxmas #ෆ ; mutual love #୨୧ . logan

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

hello ! i was wondering if you could provide your unfiltered thoughts about the whole “paul doesn’t really need you/only makes any effort when he needs something from you/was not a good friend to the other 3 because he was emotional repressed” disk horse that’s been going on these past few days? not that necessarily agree or disagree with either side but as always i feel at a certain point people start to really strew away from the original discussion and bring their personal experiences into it. which yes is definitely part of diskhorse but then you end up having ppl talking over one another and missing the point entirely because now their trying to defend their own experience or dislike/like of a person…of course i come to you for your nuanced takes. cheers !

p.s. idk if it’s just me, but i used to think it was john who ppl had the most polarizing feelings about on tumblr, but honestly there seems to be something about paul that gets everybody from both sides so worked up about lol.

Ah geez. (not @ you anon, just at the fact I saw the disk horse and was like Ok <3 at some of it)

Okay unfiltered thoughts so like, disclaimer, maybe I'm wrong about some of this.

I think people are kind of into deifying these people to a weird degree where Paul not socializing in specific ways is read as inherently cold of him, when the reality is that the commitment John asked of him was… Big and on Very Specific Terms. Like, maybe pause for a second and imagine your bestie was like "you should live within a 5 mile radius of me actually", like don't get me wrong I totally get why John wanted that; he was afraid of losing Paul + he couldn't deal with being mobbed the way Paul could + he was Depressed™ and often didn't have the energy to leave the house, sometimes even get out of bed. I understand wanting your loved ones nearby but that doesn't mean it's a reasonable demand. Same goes for things like dropping acid. It's a mind-altering drug, it's not a game?

I think it's relatively undisputable that Paul did not always treat George fairly but I don't think it has all that much to do with him being too closed-off and a lot more to do with them having quite different perspectives on the world + Paul not being able to recognize George's merit as an artist in his own right. There is that anecdote where George was angry about Paul not taking George's hand during a trip but I'm sorry like either a) George was angry about something else and just gave a bad example or b) he literally had no reason to react that way about Paul being terrified because of a fucking drug-based hallucination. Like. (lol thinking about the line from Lavender Haze "And you don't read into my melancholia" maybe this has nothing to do with you George. He IS TRIPPING ???)

I also don't understand why Ringo was brought into the discussion because I've never heard Ringo complain about Paul being too cold towards him; granted, Ringo has been relatively conflict-avoidant his whole life, from what I can tell, but it's a bit Hm to make assumptions about his reasons for having a relatively short fallout with Paul when he didn't really give any. (Like, people don't read nearly as much into GEORGE and Ringo falling out a few years down the line)

Also it's weird to me talking about "needing" because in the end… That's the only reason anyone does anything with someone. John "needed" Paul to be more open with him, didn't he? In the end relationships are a give and take not simply coexisting.

Is Paul a closed-off individual? Absolutely, but it really isn't to the degree he's made out to be (in the sense where it borders on like, sociopathic), I think it's more that he happened to be surrounded by people who weren't and he's perhaps kind of an anomaly in showbiz because of that. There's also this reverse survivorship bias where people who fell out with Paul are far more likely to talk shit about him than people who remained on good terms with him for years are to praise him publicly. There's also this thing were people seem to forget John basically dropped like 90% of his friends post-75 (though somehow him doing this to Paul is considered an exception – also, like Paul, [coincidentally?!?!?!?!] this happened when he settled down with his kid [LOL coming back with my nuclear family take I will never actually formulate in full ig]).

I think that's all I've got for now. I can elaborate on some of it if you want though.

#ask #anon #discourse #paul #my analysis

[bougiebutchbitch]

yea it's really kinda fucked up what kind of attitudes people of various professions have towards hyper mobility in itself and what it could be connected to. like I had a friend who dislocated her shoulders maybe once a week and we overheard the adults talk about how the medical conclusion seemed to be "hmm, is this kid being abused" rather than "maybe there is a reason this kid dislocates her shoulders every time she tries to hang from something". and then my teacher, when I went to school, just straight up told us that joints overextending just means we've got weak muscles and having a specific kind of posture means we are in bad shape (kids! we were kids! not even pre-teens yet wtf?) and then later on a personal trainer kind of person declared I am NOT hyper mobile because apparently my hands didn't align a certain way she was looking for? like I can sublux my shoulders at will, have to walk a certain way to keep my knees aligned, lock up my fingers doing certain activities etc and apparently maybe have some extra wear and tear here and there from this sort of shit, but you got it, pal 🙄

honestly I don't understand what's so hard for ppl to comprehend like your body's right there and it's doing this thing and then ppl keep going "oh, idk, maybe this isn't a thing?" like ???

Oh my god, that's immensely fucked up. I'm sorry you have awful medical professionals like that in your life... Truly, you deserve better!

I absolutely think 'oh you can just exercise away EDS/HSD in general' is a massive oversimplification. Strength building exercise has HUGE benefits for hypermobile folks, don't get me wrong! But exercise doesn't do jack shit about internal organ problems, or get rid of long-term damage that's already been done to nerves or joints? And frankly, if you are severely unstable, it can absolutely make it worse.

Like..... I am muscular. I work out A LOT, and have done for years. I have a lot of visible muscle! I have very little body fat, but what weight I carry, is muscle. It just......... only gets me to the approximate strength of an 'average' person, and my joints are still very weak and give out regularly.

My physio still wants me to work out even more to add more muscle mass, for what amounts, all together considering my personal exrcise plan, to 2+ hours a day (approximately 1 hour of work out and 1 hour of physio) just to maintain my ability to walk dodgily and not lose further functionality & sensation in my legs.

Like... That's completely unfeasible considering I also have a day job with up to 12 hour shifts, chronic fatigue and pain AND exercise intolerance??

The 'exercise' solution just feels like a super-handy way for health professionals to put all the pressure on the individuals to manage their own condition, with completely unrealistic expectations, and minimise the amount of care they actually provide. Like, I know EDS is a genetic incurable condition and there's literally nothing else you can do except brace, rest lots, gain muscle, exercise, and treat the internal problems as they occur. But. Sigh. A little appreciation of how that's impossible for most people living with this condition would be better than the usual 'oh this will be cured by exercise so it's not actually a problem :)' bullshit.

But.... yeah. Shit's fucking wild. I'm truly sorry you and your friends dealt with that. Keep on troopin'. You know your body better than any health professional you see for a fifteen fucking minute appointment. x

[endcant]

ive seen a lot of speculation by aesthetics commentators (a strange existence to acknowledge) about why some zillennial gays seem to connect a lot with natural imagery despite the ~*cottagecore aesthetic*~ being increasingly associated with white cishet (& frequently xtian) traditionalism. many many possible explanations are acknowledged but theres parts of it that mean a lot to me but which i rarely see acknowledged

first of all, being gay/lgbt/queer is really beautiful and natural. and there are a lot of forces in society that seem to want to stomp out all the beautiful and natural things in this world for the sake of short term profit or power. this is the case at least in the US, but likely in other places as well.

i think there are a lot of other groups (nonwhite and non-traditionalist and non-white-traditionalist) that also connect with the idea that nature and natural things are worthwhile, even when they are not considered worthwhile to the white/cishet/evangelical/colonial/etc powers that be.

i feel this especially in this time when a lot of technofuturistic developments are being backed by famous self-serving billionaires and other various navelgazing silicon valley plutocrats that are still following the “move fast and break things” ethos, even as they move quickly onto breaking things in the human brain, in infrastructure, in politics, in labor, in housing and feeding people, in the ecosystem and so on.

furthermore, i think a lot of lgbt+ people long for privacy in a way that the always-on social media panopticon we live in straight up doesn’t allow. basically ever since tiktok came on the scene, there seemed to be a surge in gay interest in times when you could just disappear and live your gay life somewhere entirely else, without having to deal with everybody you once knew messaging you about your new pronouns or partner or whatever. yeah, those vague “old times” fucking sucked in a lot of other ways (i would not actually want to hack it as a cowboy i would be shot to death by some zachary taylor type for riding my horse while brown or id die of heat exhaustion or getting kicked in the head or some shit. also reading about the 1800s is depressing in a billion colonialist ways) despite all that, it feels like there is nowhere to run now. there is no “other place” to escape to, because numerous forces are trying to make all places into one big horrible homogenous place. speaking only technologically, people will film you for looking weird in public and post it thoughtlessly. people will dox you BECAUSE it’s dangerous to your life and livelihood. our technological present is not a great situation for lgbt ppl, queer ppl, gnc ppl, and people who otherwise awesomely and naturally differ from the ridiculously numerous and specific expected societal “norms”.

sometimes i want to live in a cave and only be seen by spiders and mosquitoes for the rest of my life. this would likely be both unbearably slow and unbearably laborious living, but at least i would not be at risk of being put in danger for being seen in public. this is not a statement of traditional or colonial values or actual intent to stake a claim on a cave somewhere. it is just tough to be gay and trans and fat and neurodivergent and visibly nonwhite while living in the panopticon. and i have to come up with an escape fantasy besides dignified death to write in my little journal about.

there are so many reasons for people who are not libertarians or fundies or tradwife girlies to long to stop and smell the roses one last time before they’re gone. and you feel it so much more when you are part of a beautiful and natural community (or multiple beautiful and natural communities) that fundies and traditionalists and racists and the other assholes of the world really really want to wipe out, which happens to include gays.

obviously (i hope obviously) this all applies to so much more than just hs gays. i just keep seeing it treated as a mystery that lgbt+ ppl are interested in natural and “cottagecore”/“grandmacore” imagery. even tho there were tons of gays and poc and disabled eco-punks and DIY advice-givers and trans mlm cowboy kids and whatever else in the space that would eventually become the cottagecore space on tumblr in the 2010s before that controversial name ever came about.

#draftsposting

[fourteenfifteen]

omg is it Hen interviewing hours? holds out a microphone Hello HenWTC what's your all time favorite poem (you can choose more than one if this is a cruel question)? what's your go-to sorbet flavor of choice? how many hard-boiled eggs do you think you could eat in one sitting if someone gave you $10 for each egg? what's an opinion you've held for Years but no one has ever asked the right question for you to properly rant about/explain it? what would you consider to be a very specific love language for you (either doing or receiving)? would you rather own a lizard or a chinchilla as a pet? also did you know I love you? that's all mwah I hope you're having a great night ^-^ 💜

shdjfkgks hiiii bestie i’m picturing myself as the guest on the late show with cola queen_eevee

i love lots of poems but i have an emotional attachment to my brother the artist at seven by philip levine it just hits

raspberry sorbet is everything to me i have in my life eaten a whole pint in a sitting. dangerous stuff

i’m actually not a big hard boiled egg guy and idk that $10 is enough. like the idea of just scarfing down a bunch of hard boiled eggs in a row while someone is presumably watching and counting and handing me more eggs is so awful to me rn

oh god i have no idea. i tweet most of my opinions so-

in terms of doing i do love doing things for ppl esp like getting up and grabbing something for someone. but other stuff too i just like to be helpful. on the receiving end i always get very 🥺 when i like say that i like people doing something or treating me a certain way and then i notice ppl going out of their way to do that like it means a lot. also ppl listening to me talk and like asking questions and acting like they’re interested in what i’m saying i’m v intentional in doing that for other ppl and when i get it back it’s nice

definitely a lizard i’m a fan of those guys. love when a guy is scaly and dry

shfjfkfks i did 💕💕💕 but i’m glad to be reminded. and i love you too 💕💕💕💕💕

#ask tag #cola my darling. mwah #queen_eevee

[kidflashimpulse]

the recent Dark Crisis issues have got Bart SO wrong in one specific way imo. Bart wants credit from his friends and family, but he doesn't really give two shits what anyone else thinks of him. the idea that all he's ever wanted is to be noticed? to have FANS? to be next in line as the Flash? that's literally his 00s era discount Wally West characterization all over again. Bart being changed from canonically HATING excessive attention to actively craving it? that was NEVER earned

THIS ☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️ THIS x 1000000000 omg u nailed exactly WHY as a bart fan his YJ DC characterisation infuriates me so much !!!

“that's literally his 00s era discount Wally West characterization all over again” like i felt this in my bones LOL

it’s the type of bad writing that is among the biggest bart crimes out there no joke like, no disrespect to Wally the guy has his own thing going on and it works for him but the whole thing that i’ve always found important to bart is that whilst they share similarities he is largely different from the three generations of Flash’s before him, like significantly and has his own thing going on with his own path and these differences are his strengths and what give him his own set of personal values and priorities (like what u mentioned with how he feels about getting attention) Sure, within his family he always had the pressure of following in all the other flash’s footsteps but that’s never stopped him to do his own thing.

The moment ppl treat him like wally jr (which is so crazy how recurring it has been in recent works, like WFA?? YJDC??) the series becomes garbage to me 😂 doesn’t mean there arnt parts of it i don’t enjoy like stuff regarding other characters or plot, but in terms of how it fares as a bart story i drop it like a hot potato lol and that also roughly summarises how my experience with his titans run is and a lot of his 00s issues onwards which is a shame and with how big social media is with fans, it’s ridiculous how it’s still happening today, like come on…

There are three generations of white guys before him, all great guys in their own way, all very similar especially in their values as heroes, it’s almost appallingly ridiculous to then treat him like another copy and paste when it’s a fact for literally any family out there that with each generation more differences arise that reflect the social consciousness, writing bart with the same values of guys who are essentially his grandparents/parents/uncles is absurd. It would make sense if they were a consistent role in his life since birth but they weren’t/aren’t, he also has a drastically different background to them too which just compounds to how dumb it is to write him as wally 2.0.

anyway, moment of self promo i kinda very superficially/roughly explore this whole thing of generational legacies in an upcoming chapter (it’s still in the drafts stage btw but it’s WIP which is smn lol) of my latest fic AAIT/it’s a lowkey underlying theme in it already. I knw ppl in DC social media have their mixed feelings regarding YJA but as a bart fan it’s a refreshing piece of media in how they treat him especially with how he ties in to the bigger picture of things, so I enjoy it and think about it a lot.

Also why despite peoples common grievances with Bendis’ YJ, i also enjoyed it a lot. Sure I get some of the criticism where they say it regressed some characters in a way, but I always felt like it was a very much needed soft reset of things that lent room to a lot of potential for all these characters to develop and grow in a fresh new way. The expansive cast of characters was also a good direction of comics YJ too that i think was needed. So YJ 19, I see u !!! lol and YJDC ur just the worst thing ever lol sorry !!

#yj asks #bart allen #impulse #young justice #kid flash #yj #young justice animated #renewyoungjustice #kf #saveearth16 #AAIT

[x31043]

I guess im just bothered that when youre born an called a woman youre then constantly told to shut upforever,but when the opposite is true youre constantly encouraged to speak up.Youre ridiculed for not doing it, but to me thats different than being hurt or even killed FOR doing it. That means that childhood sucks. Adolescence sucks. Youre really in a place of forced subservience for your whole existence. You have to break out of that so hard. Youre physically smaller. You are trained to ignore yourself until you are broken. You are trained to be something that someone uncaring will shove themselves in and take, take over. You are literally raised to be an object to be used and discarded. That is UNIVERSAL. I know some people epxerience that without being born & assigned women, but for those of us who are this is literally a universal experience. You are fucking made to be a fucking sex robot and a servant and an agreeable nodding nothing whose opinions dont matter and nothing else. You are TRAINED in social cues and spend your whole life noticing every little thing and forcibly keeping all your opinions inside. Everyone should be lifting our voices up!!! Trans people should be screaming up at the sky not at others to keep their voices down!!

This literally makes me want to scream. Women are not treated better than men. Why would trans men be treated better than trans women? Where are you seeing that, where??? They have SPECIFIC, DIFFERENT experienes and also many that are the same! Because its a fucking spectrum, remember that discourse? When youre trans it doesnt work all neatly in two categories like that. I look like a trans women. Many trans women look like me. Many of us are non-binary and our gender is basically the same regardless of how we were brought up. Why can you ask me my genitals now and if i dont answer i get canceled. what the FUCK is that. Why has it become like this. It started as “our experiences are different, we need a space to talk about the ways they are not the same.” and now its-- disclose whether youre dmab or dfab to be a good ally to trans women. We have to talk about it ALL THE TIME. WE have to go based off genital differences to determine how you are privileged or not. That’s not the fucking way to move our community forward or to connect as individulas. And Guess what?? Trans women don’t even want it!!!

TME is a term that trans women made for VERY SPECIFIC CIRCUMSTANCES. It can be applied to SPECIFIC CIRCUMSTANCES which require a very nuanced and exact language. I may be fucked up for saying this but There are times when trans mascs and butches face a speciifc, different type of transphobia to trans women, too. And they deserve a space to talk about it, too, while still DEFENDING trans fems from terfs. This seems fucking obvious to me. when its white ppl it all pales against transphobic racism anyway.

And that’s the long and short of it, bc trans women arent the ones I see taking about TME. They arent the ones actively claiming they have worse epxeriences with gender and dysphoria. Thats all like cute Nonbinary transmascs typically who are white telling me my experience was a lot easier than others in my community. And to me thats a part of this fucked up socialization--always talk youself down, and hold others like you accountable for reaching beyond their capacity. Other DFAB people telling me to shut up about my transness is fucking ironic in a way that doesn’t make me want to laugh. You were told to shut up your whole life, so now you’re going to put that on me?? Why are we doing this in the first place then?? WHy if not to reclaim the voice that was stolen from us?!

My genitals are thought of as absolutely inconceivable. The 20 pounds of weight on my chest is thought of as a dirty thing I literally need to press and constrain into tight and uncomfortable shapes or I will be violated when I go outside. Do you have any idea what that does to a kid?  I bet you know what it does to an adult. It’s a very similar experience! We need a space to talk about this without being called terfs or told to check our TME privilege. I am going to one day be a man with a beard in a dress. Whats not clicking?

#i was raised in a rape culture as the target of that not the perpetrator #both have long-term impacts on psychological well-being #i was treated like a predator for being butch as a teenager and adult #that doesnt make me one #the same is true for all my beautiful strong gentle trans fem friends #i need people to know what its like #your voice is constantly stolen from you. it fucking hurts. it hurts so much #anyone who can identify with that experience i respect and adore with my whole heart #thats it like part of why i am so delighted and entranced by trans women is they see that and still adorn themselves and align with it thats #so fucking beautiful and inspiring to me #because the pain of what i went through is worth something if there are people in the world who look at womanhood not as violent condemnatio #n #but as hope and embodiment and restoration and light #so thats why i need a place to express my specific pain #so we can come together and realize like yeah. womanhood sucks. you are constantly targeted. it sucks the same for all of us #it is violent cruel and you are still worth it anyway #its a pain we are all feeling #vent #this is not for the public lmao i would never say this shit #to an audience #text

[ablednt]

i hope it's okay to talk about this here, if not, that's okay, you can ignore it, but tw for transphobia, medical abuse, reality checking, psychiatric abuse, medical gaslighting, ableism, sanism, psyism and pluralphobia.

my system basically seemingly all went dormant last night after earlier yesterday our mother's social worker told us that we're a delusion ( when he doesn't even know us, he only knows our mother's side of the story, she told him about our plurality without our consent ) and then he blatantly deadnamed me and refused to call the body's chosen name after i called him out on it ( and this guy supposedly worked with ppl w/ psychosis for a decade now and for some reason he groups psychosis and plurality together and basically used these outdated myths about plurality ) and now she refuses to call us by our true names and only responds to the body and now it's a possibility that we might be given antipsychotics against our will and she's blatantly telling us that "if you don't get rid of them with antipsychotics, you're gonna stay in a group home for the rest of your life." and literally all of these are massive red flags.

now i disowned my mother because i literally can't trust her anymore and im trying to learn lifeskills as much as possible so i can get away from her. im just so angry and upset and feel trapped.

God I'm so sorry that's awful.

I've never gone through anything quite that extreme but I did have people try and pressure me into seeking therapy for delusions and tried to force me to stop believing in my headmates very soon after my syscovery.

Having had that experience I can say that they're absolutely wrong in doing this to you. To start you know yourselves and your experiences far better than anyone on the outside can. I do experience delusions relatively severely but even I can fairly easily tell that my headmates are not delusions (they're too consistent, a delusion isn't going to be a consistent person you communicate with for weeks to months at a time with very little change.).

But to play devils advocate even if you WERE just having delusions this is not at all a safe or healthy way for them to support you. First off delusions aren't always harmful, psychotic people deserve the right to refuse treatment for a delusion and to say reality checks aren't needed. No one should ever force a delusional person to abruptly stop yhr delusion they should be offering a safe space. Ultimately, although I do fully believe you that your headmates are real, this was a violation of your autonomy either way and unacceptable to treat you this way.

Getting out when you can is a good idea and I promise that once you are able to get out on your own there's lot's of us out there and there's more people supportive of systems than it seems. However, it's important to be careful and get all the details straight before you leave. I do not know what the situation here is exactly so I can't give specific advice but you'll need to already have somewhere to go in mind, what you'll do when you get there, and a long term plan afterwards for how you'll keep going. Also be sure you have any legal documents that you need such as IDs, birth certificates, etc. If you're running away try to save up for it in cash.

My plan to leave my house wounded up being trying to stick it out until i can get a job and move out the normal way just because I'm too disabled to really risk anyrhing different and that's still ongoing unfortunately so I can't offer much advice here just be careful and be sure to think things through realistically.

In any case things are pretty bad for you right now and I completely understand how disorienting and horrifying this all must be but I want to say that the main strength of a system is resilience. Your dormant members can most likely wake up again, you'll also form more eventually and meet new people. Even if you're forced to mask again and pretend to be singlet to avoid the abuse you still have each other and you'll still be able to find ways to talk to and support each other. Those connections can never truly be taken from you no matter how hard anyone tries to destroy what you have together they cannot.

The community is always here if you need encouragement, advice on masking and quality of life improvements, etc. We're rooting for you!

#pluralphobia tw #ableism tw #ask to tag #transphobia tw

[elmaxlys]

This was a super weird dream, in a good way? Like it was super interesting in a way I can't really describe. It was a new CSM chapter somehow (that I lived, not read), involving a character named Hyuun who WASN'T drawn in the CSM style and rather looked like he belonged in MDZS (I say that because Wei Wuxian made a guest appearance). Hyuun (also known as Sakizawa Shoto by his former owners, bc he was a slave) was an assassin of sorts. When he was a kid, he was, as I said, a slave to some guy he both loved and hated who looked like if Shou Tucker had a soul and a wife still (I say that because Edward Elric made a guest appearance).

So like, we're seeing a flashback, from street kid Hyuun luring customers to Owner's place bc they want one just like him. He takes them to the shop, and there are, like, only shops like that in the street and Hyuun hesitates to take him to another becsuse he doesn't like the guy that talked to him. But he still does his job, and when Owner and Customer talk, he's hiding behind some furniture in the far corner of the room. He can hear them talk, there's even Wife, but he can't see them.

Flashback over- back to present where Denji, no chainsaw head, only chainsaw hands, has his eyes wide and on his side there's one single flashback panel: they knew each other as street kids before Hyuun got taken. Hyuun also recognizes him and starts to back away and then outright flees. There's a chase scene on the rooftops until finally Denji catches up. But too late. Hyuun already bit a poison pill AND his tongue for good measures and collapses on the ground. (ground ground they're no longer on the roofs. why is it roofs and not rooves??) Denji screams for help and tries to make him spit the poison and then he notices the tongue thing and Hyuun's eyes are losing their light and Denji lies down on him, with his head in the crook of his neck and chest and the chapter ends there.

I read some posts about it, I make some of my own, which is why I remember it's CSM lmao I had to tag billions of spoiler warnings for that death. It was, specifically, CSM 149 lol. I was, like, pacing in my room and wanting to scream my lungs out (Hyuun was a favorite). I went to my DeviantArt page, which I was apparently still using, to look at some TG art and found very good Matsurie paintings in my own gallery (except that Matsuri didn't have his beard) and I was like??? I don't remember painting that.

Then scene change, back in the black and white world of Hyuun dying. Denji dragged Hyuun's body to his former Owner's place, as they were among the only ones not to have deserted the city and therefore they should have something to help. Owner wasn't there when they got there so Denji starts looking through things to get medicine. But then Owner gets back, not with Wife but with Wei Wuxian, as he was treating with him for... business idk. Denji has to fight the urge to fight or flight but gets in front of them like. I need help. And he leads them to Hyuun's body and Owner is like "Sakizawa?" and Denji answers back "his name is Hyuun" and Wei Wuxian gets close and both him and Owner say his life is gone.

Scene change, we're now outside, Denji still dragging Hyuun's body. He gets to the city place and looks up at the moon. Wei Wuxian is there and they don't exchange words but I'm pretty sure he proposed that he'd make him come back as a Wen Ning of sorts (sorry I don't remember the exact terms). Denji looks conflicted and heartbroken, but then guess who gets there? Edward Elric, probably summoned by the mere idea of bringing someone back from the dead. He has a foldable bike, don't ask me why. He folds it back and walks toward them and says something and I can still hear his voice but I have no idea what he said. Dream ends.

For the stats: first part lived through Hyuun's eyes. 2nd part, regular old me, only online so ppl called me elmax. 3rd part seen all externally.

#dream journal #28/09/2023

[letsplayballet]

think all the ppl who would care about this have already heard my thoughts in the discord, but it's tradition at this point so. p4g thoughts (up through about-to-start the second dungeon)!:

starting off with a full confession of i have not been letting myself have high expectations for this game? p5 was extremely up my alley in terms of aesthetics/music/themes, and i could tell long before i really considered getting into it that p4 was not going to hit that same chord of yes-good-but-also that has made me obsess over p5 for the last 5 years. it would be unfair to compare it to p5 (they're different games with different stories and different goals) so i've been really trying to go into it with an open mind and appreciate it on it's own merits!

that being said... i was def right and while i've been enjoying the game (for the most part) it hasn't caught me the same way, and i keep finding myself thinking "where the fuck are my kids" lol

i am getting more and more into it the further i play tho! played for nearly 10 hours yesterday and was already more invested by the end of the day than the beginning, so i'm hoping that continues

mentioned this in another post but as much as i hate the "best friend (who is a perv and an asshole but we treat it like it's funny and likable)" archetype, yosuke is so far more tolerable than ryuji. he's been weird about yukiko, and an ass to chie, and i can tell he's gonna be weird about kanji, but he's at least focused on and dedicated to solving the case instead of being a huge glory hound, and occasionally has any self-awareness whatsoever

i really like chie tho! hate the weird focus in her confidant social link so far about "am i girly enough? :(" but she's very sweet and funny and crits a lot

haven't spent a lot of time with yukiko but i have a hunch i'll enjoy her fine

as much as these kids are starting to grow on me, they def shine... solo, which is unfortunate. all of the team "banter" so far that isn't directly about the case is chie and yosuke seeming to really hate each other, which uh. sucks. i want friends, please tell me they become friends.

also frustrating is the mid-00s gender essentialism and homophobia, which is becoming Prominent as we get into kanji's part of the story

p5 def had its moments (looking directly at you shinjuku gays) (and at ryuji) (and at the beach scenes) but Fuck

anyway. side characters! love em.

nanako is precious and i would kill and die for her

i also really love yumi!! her rank 3 was Rough and i loved it. i'm going to try to wait on romancing decisions but she's an early lead (if she's even allowed? no idea what options are available here tbh)

sorry dojima but acab, you don't deserve the hierophant

the combat is quite a bit simpler than p5, but also way simpler than nocturne, just in very different ways. it's still smt/persona combat, so i still love it, but i miss the complexity from p5r specifically (tho appreciate the more streamlined nature compared to nocturne, especially given the fewer quality of life mechanics)

all in all, general fewer quality of life mechanics, which is annoying but expected so it's not really detracting from my enjoyment

still having fun! hope to keep having fun

#quinn plays p4g #gonna play more today and also maybe do laundry (but i don't feel. great. so i'm not gonna stress on that too much) #we're A Ways from finishing so i'm not letting myself get too optimistic but it's going well so far is the tl;dr #expect a few more of these posts! have done them for every game so far and am not gonna stop now #this one is spoiler free i think? spoiler lite def #especially for me lol #p4g

[doebt]

and then i take the benadryl to go to bed and then im like well i should do this thing anfd get this over with while the brain fog clouds my better judgement but then im like too tired to even be bothered with it

#i tried soo hard to make this post comprehensible -_- #i really really wish to god so bad i could like get help for this #ive never had help with it #ive barely barely barely had even my closest friends even acknowledge it..its just uncomfortable i guess #i mean i know it is lol like it is. for sure...and im not gonna ask anyone for that anyway. like i need therapy or something #i think its beyond therapy though like ik how it works and ik its up to me to stop #but honestly i dont rly want to stop. i just wish i had never started #ive spent almost 9 yrs justifying it to myself...i cant undo all of that #i really do feel like i wont stop until i die like its just so deeply a part of who i am #and the way ppl in my life have treated me in terms of this specifically has been...abusive at worst and dismissive at best #and its no ones job to care so im not like blaming it on that but it doesnt help #it wouldnt matter if anyone told me to stop though. i just get so mad...like dont tell me what to do #i think maybe if someone would just say something like...aghh idont know #instead of the guilt trippy manipulative 'stop bc it hurts me too' or the cold 'stop bc its unhealthy' #i wish it was like...you dont have to stop and maybe it really doesnt matter that much after all #but i wish you would bc i love you #like something like that #but really that just sounds unhealthy and enabling and it wouldnt count now since i typed it out so whoever said it #would just be repeating my own romanticised and unrealistic dialogue at myself!!!!!! AGHHHGHAGHHHHH AAHHHHHHH HELPPP