#and then i remind myself that there are three other productions out there ive read abt that i KNOW i'd love

[aq2003]

compilation of some of my personal favorite hamlet reviews on letterboxd

#honorable mention to the 'i don't want to see hamlet kiss his mom i want to see him kiss horatio you sick freaks' one #it was on the 1990 m*l g*bson one which i found VERY sauceless and i couldn't bring myself to care about the hamlet horatio #but i do respect the mindset #hamlet #sometimes i feel bad abt how i don't like a majority of the hamlet adaptations ive watched #including Three of the ones ppl swear up and down that they're the best and most definitive versions ever #and then i remind myself that there are three other productions out there ive read abt that i KNOW i'd love #(mark rylance/ruth negga/chris eccleston). it's just they were never recorded and i cant see them #(they could have recorded ruth negga seeing as there's a full trailer for her hamlet actually but i dont think it ever got released)

[greetings-movie-goers]

Hello Again!! Fun Little Life Updates and Rambles W/ the Mun!!!

// Hello! It’s been a while! I think about three months? Im on desktop rn, I cant really tell... :).

 I’ve been very very busy finishing my junior year, getting ready for my senior year, going on college tours, and I just finished a production of Heathers as Big Bud Dean! Michelle Duffy, the original Ms. Fleming came to see it, and when I went to take a picture with her after the show, she asked my name and said she was in hysterics every time that I was on stage, I am still not over it.

 I’ve been to so many parties this summer, too! Not much time to be on Tumblr for me lol. Hopefully senior year will be much easier than junior year, and I’ll be able to dedicate more time to this blog! To tell you the truth, I also fell out of HHN for a while, got new hyperfixtations, and got writers block when it came to dear Julian. Im getting right back into my HHN fixtation, as it is that time of year again! 

TBH Im not too crazy abt the houses this year. I never got past the beginning of The Last of Us game because the last time I played it, something really awful happened to me and my family a few hours after I shut off the game, and so now it kinda reminds me of that. Im also not a ST fan lol. I tried really hard to be, but it’s just not my cup of tea, personally. Childs play was fine, just not my favorite horror movie by a longshot, (Still waiting for that Scream house I was so adamant about last year). Also Im really waiting on that FNAF house I am hoping and striving for that FNAF house it’s a need. That being said, I probably won’t be able to go back this year, so my opinions dont really matter lol. I think Ive healed enough though, and maybe I can get into The Last of Us before September?

Who knows though? My best friend said that her parents said that they might take her to HHN this year, and if the do go, Id be invited. I kinda dont think its gonna happen, but its a really awesome thought! My parents said that the whole family would have to come, because it wouldnt be fair to my little sibling, who got sick last HHN, and only got through 4 houses, if I went again without them, and I 100% agree. Our parents are friends though, and my sibling and best friend became friends this past year. so if it really does happen, it’ll be the best trip of my life. Its nice to dream. Very nice :)

That’s my little ramble!! If you read this far, wow! Props! And also thank you! I love the sound of my new keyboard, and a lot happened that kept me off Tumblr recently! I mostly now just read posts, and dont post them myself, but as I said earlier, hopefully that will change started as soon as I can! Im def more active on my personals on other socials if anyone wants to trade acc names dm me! Im finally ready for new Julian asks again! Make sure to ask away! 

Id love to hear whats going on in all of your lives too if youd like to share!! I love you!! Im so excited to be back with new inspo for Julian! Much love, Mun!

#OOC #OOC POST #//HI! #life #life update #back #mun #mun rambles #rambles

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Monday, 26 April 2021

See Wikipedia's article on poitín for more sections like these two texts and look at. What does this similarity matter? I disagree with the latest selection from The Butcher Boy, you'd just need to score less than thrilled at this point is more likely to be more specific thesis statement expresses, and I won't calculate participation until the end of that grade and that missing more than merely plausible, which were strong last time you were perhaps a little below the mechanics of getting people to go. You've done a lot of really productive ways or it might be thought to be a difficult text, and especially of An Spalpin Fanach. You picked a difficult line to walk, especially if the way that the professor an email no later than Friday afternoon.

There are many many others. Of course!

Drop if you wanted to remind people. There were some amazing performances on it, your delivery was sensitive to the audience so that we have a proclivity for rather dark humor and deal thematically as a writer. Scoring at least some background on Irish money if you want the experience to be absolutely sure that I would say the smartest way to push your own argument even more would have helped to have dug into these topics.

It's just that, in part because its boundaries are rather difficult, and don't have a positive thing, I realize. Again, I can't go over, and it will help you punch through to an X and/or may not, but because considering how best to get a passing grade; I feel like is currently better developed and more focused. So thinking about which I'm ready to go back through the writing process is a policeman.

Let me know if you have any questions, and structure may be productive. All in all, you must recite a selection that you told your aunt in Ohio, who harangues Bloom and/or recall problems. I think the fairest grade to your presentation notes would be to say that, I promise to keep it up or down by much. One implication of this offer to you. Please send me your plans by 10 a. I'll see you in section. You're welcome! It would have paid off quite a bit. However, I do tomorrow, but certainly not going to be posted to the connections between the excellent interpretation that you've tried to point people when looking at the end of the University, and I'll get you feedback on your sheet so I can't tell for sure. It's a very strong work here, I will call life which is fantastic and well tied to the poem, specifically, you are trying to get people to pursue the topic. Stoddard, O'Casey, Act IV: Chorus sung: John McCormack singing It's a two-minute warning by holding up the last minute.

To have one extensive monologue from someone who is a really good ideas in an A-for the quarter, and quite engaging. 415 B-range paper grades discussed in more detail, I am not asking you to perform suboptimally on the most directly productive here would have paid off to have had Cyclops suggested to them effectively, demonstrated a strong preference and I'll stay late. It's all yours! All in all ways, and the historical situation. Similar things could be set against each other personally. Let me say some general things, you should focus on the assignment, and exploring additional related issues, focus your analysis what is short-sighted or otherwise need to expose your own writing, get an incomplete would also require the professor's miss three sections, get an A-territory with 1 point out, it's insightful—but being flexible may be that your choice of a number of particular interpretive problems for Ulysses none of these are true. So, you would like to see Dexter as a first draft and allow for real discussion with the assumption that the more egregious errors in the biggest payoff possible sometimes you have any further questions, and my guess is that the Irish as postcolonial subjects; probably others. Another potential difficulty is that you did a good night, due to midterm-related questions?

I can attest from personal experience it can feel to a natural move is to find that this is a very strong essay in a comparative manner over time, and I quite liked a lot of ways. This is already an impressive move, and modeling this for everyone, Having just checked my stack of midterms against my other section is engaged and engaging despite my sometimes rather nitpicky comments, but more general discussion of The Butcher Boy; Stephen Dedalus's rather morbid and misogynist fixation on the Mad Hatter's hat in Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. I suggest that Dexter is X, whereas Y is like A, for free: Chris Walker and the ideas and your boost from your section self-addressed, stamped envelope with enough stamps to make sure that I'll be in my box South Hall 1415. You picked a very small number of ways here: you had an accommodation through the writing process is itself the immediate, direct, personal interest in the first seven that the song. Often, a profitable manner, and it shouldn't be too hard to avoid thinking that an A, in case they ask you questions for discussion.

I do not overlap with yours, but I also think that it's actually not that you were reciting and discussing the selection you picked to the course's discourse about Shakespeare every day, because unless you are, I think. Reminder: if people aren't getting quite full credit on author, title, date, you really have done. One would have helped you to ten pages long; this counts everything including participation and attendance that is excerpted in Plough. Let me know what you're going, and you managed to articulate as fully integrated parts of your quarter! If you have done quite a challenge, and want to make sure that you just need to be aware that you just need to make huge conceptual leaps immediately. If you happen to have a good student and I will take this into account. Still Life-Le Jour. Have a good performance even though this is potentially profitable idea, but may not be able to give you a grade somewhere in the front of me wanted to demonstrate that you score at the top of the first three and four the other students were engaged, and the Stars: Nora Clitheroe, The Stare's Nest again so that I can. You had said to other people talking. A-for the quarter winds up being more successful in any way that helps to further your analysis and perhaps point him toward your larger-scale details and of putting them next to each other. Similarly, looking at the Recitation Assignment Guidelines handout. You're got a perfectly acceptable to cite poems by Eavan Boland, and would have needed to happen for this particular passage. If you don't have a hard line to walk, and it's completely up to this page:. Can you confirm she was having. Make sure that your formatting is impeccable. I felt the same degree that you gave quite a nice touch, too. Let me know if you want to know how GOLD looks for undergrads, I'm dying for it and so this hurts your ability to appreciate the argument in a productive exercise I myself tend to think about how you achieve full and open honesty about where you need to be this week. I'm sympathetic here. Not mine. Yes, that's fine provided that the one that the professor is a mid-century American painter Willem de Kooning's Woman series is full. My current plan is to think about what audiovisual and historical issues at stake. Looks like you. Picking a selection from each paragraph, you have any questions, OK? The assignment required and gave what was overall an excellent sense of the several topics that each of you effectively boosted the other's grade while you write, and have moved forward even more specifically on the section guidelines handout. I say thank you for being a good job here. The first of these guidelines with you. Soon to be fully successful. Yes/no pass, knowing where you are nervous about possibly having accidentally leaked confidential information, but rather to help you to think about how recruiting works and the marketplace, and is able to avoid. And your writing is quite enjoyable. Have a good move here, I can find a recording of your group, and your health allows. What this relationship between these texts in an otherwise dull day. Again, please read September 1913. Com that you are attentive to what other students in great detail, I absolutely understand that this is unfortunate because they tend to do that metaphorically. If he lets you expand or drop material if that doesn't work, might be surprised if they cover ground which you are planning on getting out of your recording early. Needing to study for a more impassioned which may differ in some form, even if only because they're also doing Wandering Aengus—6 p. I'll be on campus today, actually.

The Butcher Boy song 5 p. 57. It's absolutely OK to depart/intentionally/from the syllabus pretty well, you should come to each other. But analysis requires moving outside of your outline will be. Thanks for your section this week. I'm glad that it never really rises far above the compare/contrast paper which is to make it support that negative value judgment: that you could be squeezed in most places is basically structured in a moment. Good luck on the edge of something genuinely wonderful job of moving between the texts are primarily theoretical, critical, or it becomes apparent that more supports your specific point, just as Shakespeare doesn't necessarily have to make this transition which you dealt. I'm terribly sorry and embarrassed. On James Joyce's Ulysses: discussion of a topic of your skull with the same names to denote the same time, and your visual texts, how does this statement relate to the class's actual level of knowledge and their outline doesn't bear a lot of the recording of your own notes for week 3. Plan for Week 8: General Thoughts and Notes 23 October in section; we talked after section, and perform the resulting articles and see what other people to dig into in conversation. Kilmainham p. Other administrative issues? It sounds like a fair number of good news. Nothing immediately proposes itself to me, but I completely forgot. Recitation/discussion 5 p. It turns out, it's a beautiful little gem that is particularly relevant here; but make sure neither of those finals. Is that Walter definition of race were like, or historical in nature. Hi! Tonight's paper-grading rubric above. Your paper is that the paper is due or a bit more so that I have never been a pleasure to read and thought about the course syllabus that reciting twelve lines of text may only be minimal changes later tonight, a productive way to avoid a assuming that everyone in class. Alternately, if you'd like to know tonight instead of discussion. So I hope you won't have time to meet me. Still Life with Four Apples; probably others. They are presented in the class and the group develop its own; I will still be elusive at this point is that you will receive at least 70% for a student whose final grade at your main ideas. One thing that will help you to give a paper to pay off in terms of the top eight or so of all but the group may help you here. Be sure to give quite a good selection, and apply it with a selection from Ulysses this Wednesday.

Again, thank you for a job well done. Some suggestions: Georges Braque painted food-related topics not only contributes to a natural end or otherwise set up to you after I qualified it by then. I looked at them, but perhaps it would be helpful, I think that you wanted the discussion as a section you have questions about Cyclops or it becomes apparent that more information about just to pick up a fair grade for the historical and literary readings are passionate and engaged and engaging, and some broader course concerns and did a good choice on topic.

You should aim to do so by 10 p. Just send me email since then, is perhaps not easy deal for you, I will still be elusive at this point, if you want to examine, because I think? TA Christopher Walker and the Stars: Nora Clitheroe, The Butcher Boy can best be read in ways other than that, taken together, then looking at his wife, Annie, in part because it's an appropriate analysis that supports your larger-scale payoff … but as a section you have any questions, which is fantastic and free! Let me know. You're very welcome to sit down on Wednesday can you make the switch function in GOLD you should email me and holding eye contact in that relationship can make your own readings within the realm of possibility for you. There were some pauses for recall and retraction/corrections, but want to prepare a set of ideas in here, though this is really successful paper at an IV coffee shop on lower State, but the power company left me reading by candlelight for several reasons, including class, but not past your level of familiarity with the group to list their impressions of how your questions touches on. Hi! So, for instance. It took the midterm and the text, and the 1916 Easter Rising, the F on the final, too, that there will only be recited during our first section; got the lowest score was 46%. Make sure to do you mean by talking about. In particular, for instance, you will leave me with a worn pick, OK? However, if you want to make it productive to look at the performance, and I think that there are a lot of material. You need to focus on whatever revs your engine, intellectually speaking, but you handled yourself and your readings are often primarily just due to my office door SH 2432E, or unclear. You're welcome to leave your paper. Let me know what works best for you if I try very hard to avoid explicating yourself as the audio or visual component of your mind until you recite more than 100% in section. Similarly, the nude painting Fluther & Peter are tittering over in O'Casey, both of which revolve around a male visions of beautiful women, his understanding of the test, but some students may not have started reading Godot yet if they're cuing off of the Wandering Aengus Performed 16 October 2013 Thus, love of a letter grade; made an excellent job!

This doesn't change the way of thinking about it not perhaps rather the case and I appreciate your quick response! Like It, Orlando, in our backgrounds. Overall, you could engage in related to the reader/viewer, and you met them at their level of familiarity with a lifetime's regret; d it's YOUR JOB to make his slide show available to, you're about in lecture tomorrow! Of course.

#Irish literature #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Python #Markov chains

[bigskydreaming]

Thank you again and still for all the help and support! I really truly can not imagine making it through the past couple days without it, considering I spent most of it awake and in the bathroom puking from the constant migraines that come with your head not being happy about its bones not being in the right place. Stress aggravates them, or at least my awareness of them, and because of how little work there is currently and how expensive being broke and disabled in LA is, let’s just say, there’s been stress, lol.

I’m feeling a bit better today, or at least I’m making myself pretend that and act like that since I’ve got another appointment at that clinic where I get my juicy and tasty IV bags of nutrients pumped into me since I barely even CAN eat, physically, which combined with the lack of sleep and the nausea, like, also not a great combination.

So, I mean it when I say your donations and support have absolutely been invaluable, everything from a couple dollars to an anonymous message, like, its all amazing and appreciated and invaluable. Yeah. I already said that, whoops, anyway, BUT I DIGRESS.

That’s about all of an update I have there, lol, so in other news, I should be around more today since like I said, I’m feeling a bit better and have possibly plateau-ed on this latest pain level. (My super-annoying superpower....ever since I was a kid I’ve been able to adapt to increases in pain like a pro. As in, being able to manage/function despite it. Course, I still feel it, but give me a day or two to adjust to a new norm in how much my body hates me currently, and then I can power through).

So, like I said, I should be around more today, and I’ll probably be random as hell. Like I’ve mentioned before, my blog is where I spew literally everything from inane thoughts to fandom feels, since its like.....my only social outlet these past couple years and the only way I get to interact with people who aren’t doctors. Expect no pattern in topics until I find whatever sticks and keeps me focused on it enough to serve as a distraction from, y’know, the broke body and broke bank account.

SO! Absolutely feel free to hit me up about anything and everything. ESPECIALLY if you’ve made a donation or sent me something. Like, I know some people who have sent money don’t even follow me or know me at all and are just generous spirits who saw my post somewhere, but for any of you who have sent any kind of support just cuz you like, like me and my rambles, lol, totally feel free to drop into my messages even on anon and say what kind of posts or content from me you really engage with and would love to see more of. I can’t make any promises or guarantees, unfortunately, given I didn’t expect or plan on crashing so hard these last couple days, bleh, and just....literally, like, writing more of the kind of stuff or posts people who have helped me stay alive is pretty much the only way I have of kinda giving at least something back, so I mean, I am happy to pounce on anything in that direction. 

Again, just can’t make any guarantees given how unpredictable my life is and depending on how many people send requests or prompts or messages, etc, but I don’t delete anything of that nature and I usually get back around to stuff EVENTUALLY. For instance, I’m REALLY hoping to finish up two one-shots today, one that’s focused on Duke, Dick and Cass from that prompt you sent me a couple weeks ago, @zee-gee, and the other uh.....that umm, TW/X-Men fusion you commissioned way longer ago than my pride will allow me to admit in public @camelotpark, lol. And like, those posts you see me making to @russianspacegeckosexparty about the changelings project I talk about a lot, like.....Adam basically just sends me random thoughts and prompts about it all the time, and its like a running thread that’s easy for me to pick back up and sink into whenever I see a new one in my inbox and I’ve got enough spoons at the moment to dig in.

Also have a couple other things I want to respond to today while I have the energy and a destined-to-be-longer-than-it-needs-to-be meta about Dick’s positioning in narratives with various other characters and WHY I think it so usually works out that way, and I’m aiming to keep that more like....musing-esque than rant-errific, but uh, let’s see how that actually goes, lmfao.

Anyway, that’s what I have in mind for today, aside from my going to get my IV buffet at ten and emailing and calling people from listings about rooms to rent, but tbh, I might just end up being even more random and sporadic than usual, if I can’t focus on any of those long enough to stay sufficiently distracted today. (Like, my other annoying superpower as long-time followers have heard before, is my ridiculously fast metabolism. I know, “oh no, I’m so skinny, poor me,” but like....its never been about weight gain or loss for me, its about how fast my body processes various medications, meaning pretty much every painkiller I’ve ever tried is largely useless to me, or at most wears off in a couple hours.....whereas my ADHD meds actually provide me MORE relief from the pain than any of them. Basically, they let me actually focus on something OTHER than pain and not get interrupted/distracted by the occasional pain spike that likes to remind me its there and wants my attention......so I mean, I still feel everything that comes with my head being physically out of whack, but for the hours vyvanse is working for me, coupled with some heavy duty pain meds, I can like.....just sorta....not care about it for awhile. Like, it hasn’t gone away but its more shoved to the back of my mind at least. And all of that, I’m happy to stuff in a closet whenever I can, lol).

And that’s enough rambles for this post, I think. LOLOLOL, as if I have a quota. But yeah. Just wanted to express how much your support has meant and continues to mean, and like.....I’m still here and alive and crossing fingers that I’ll hear about an actual surgery date soon, but in the meanwhile like......I’m kinda stuck in a perpetual Limbo, one that’s largely confined to whatever is in hobbling distance from my bed of the day, and as much as donations help me physically, in remaining able to at least stay that way, just, any and all interactions on here help by keeping me engaged with the world on at least some level, and make it so I have stuff to think or talk about beyond my own situation and how I’m not a super huge fan of that.

(Okay, I shouldn’t say any and ALL interactions are appreciated, since I have my fun little runs of anon hate in my inbox, but I mean, all of the above is why they’re not really a big deal to me and never have been. Its like, dude, my own body has been trying to take me out for the past three years, and you think a few insults from an anonymous stranger are gonna do the trick? LOLOL, please. Tbh, the only real negative effect anon hate has on me is that it makes me a bit more snappish and quick to assume the worst than I’d like, when people @ me in a way that I misread as aggressive or in bad faith. I’m aware that my day-to-day temperment is a lot more irritable and open to fights than I usually like to be, as self-control is kinda a big deal to me, and my situation and stress and other shit kinda keep me constantly operating at a level best described as itchy, and none of that is an excuse for any times I read an interaction wrong and go for the throat. I just mean like.....I’m a very blunt and straight-forward person, and I do appreciate when people take a similar approach to me as it really helps keep those misreads to a minimum. Any time someone wants to engage with me in some way, I promise I am SO much easier to talk to if you just....put it out there, whatever it is. Its the games people play online (and in real life) that just frustrate the hell out of me and...yeah. Again, I’m not saying any of that as an excuse or a request for a free pass any time I fuck up an interaction or cross a line, I’m just saying, if anyone’s held back on interacting with me because they think I might snap at them or mistake it for them trying to start a fight, like......just be direct with me. Honestly, thats just....always gonna be more productive when it comes to me.)

But yeah. So that’s the current state of me and all that jazz. Again, I so appreciate everything everyone’s done to support me, not just these past couple days but over the course of these past three years as well. I notice and remember all of it, and its why even though I rant and complain and am critical about so much in society and fandoms and all that.....I really truly am a believer in the idea that there’s more good in people and the world than bad, and the bad just tends to be louder is all. It was especially loud for me the last couple days, the volume got way jacked up, but the goodwill from you guys has been more than enough to drown it out and give me some reprieve.

Alright, shutting up now. All done. The end.

[grasslandgirl]

For the ask game F G H R T please!

tysm anna 🥺🥺💖💖

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

ahhhhhh this is SO hard, you’re getting top three sorry not sorry

in no particular order:

1) from I’ve waited and watered my heart ‘til it grew (the magnus archives, jon and martin):

“Georgie told me once- before the Unknowing, before… before we really understood the gravity of everything- that I needed people around me, to anchor me, as it were. To talk to- to all of you, but I think she also meant you, Martin, specifically. You were always there to anchor me, to listen to me, even when you were neck-deep in Lukas’s business. Even- even when I didn’t think I deserved it.”

Martin looked down at Jon, met his inscrutable and unwavering gaze. “You always deserved it, Jon,” he said, with all the conviction he had.

[i just ahhhh i think i really nailed jon’s voice through all of this fic but martin’s line here specifically. that’s it. that’s the crux of all of it i think.]

2) from my unfinished juno steel amnesia fic (the penumbra podcast, juno and rita):

“Amnesia?” Juno mumbled, looking at Rita for confirmation. “I lost… two years?”

“I mean, yeah, Mister Steel, if the last thing you remember was the Robertson case that was two years ago. And that means you don’t remember anything about Mister Ex-Mayor Takano-Flaherty or the THEIA’s or Mister Ransom or- OH!! This reminds me of that one stream we watched, Boss, with the guy who had his brain sucked out by aliens only they weren’t aliens they were actually a super secret government agency taking away people’s memories; but oh, no, I guess you can’t remember that either, because we watched that one after the case where that lady’s cat exploded after you lost your eye and you were still all sad about Mister Glass again- we should watch that stream, Boss! Especially now that you don’t remember anything either, even though-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, Rita,” Juno said, waving his hand vaguely, “what was- any of that, if I’m being honest. Ransom and the mayor? We blew up somebody’s cat?”

“I mean technically, the cat blew itself up, Boss.”

[did i mention that i LOVE rita penumbrapodcast? cause i LOVE her and i love to write her she’s so fun and her dynamic with juno is So fun to write, she just talks and i get to run away on my keyboard and let her say whatever her salmon-crunchie flavored heart desires <3]

3) from my bad kids fantasy au unposted wip (dimension twenty, fabian and adaine and gorgug):

Fabian frowned at Gorgug, considering. “Gorgug, we need to duel more often. If I’m going to be Captain, I need to know all my competition- even if they’re my best friend.”

“Aww,” Gorgug smiled down at Fabian, “I’m your best friend?”

“What?” Fabian blinked in confusion, before noticing Gorgug’s widening smile. “You dick-” he punched Gorgug in the shoulder- “you nearly got me! Of course we’re best friends, Thistlespring-”

“What about me?” Adaine asked, watching her boys’ friendly scuffle.

“You’re my best friend, too,” Gorgug said eagerly, “I can have more than one best friend.”

“Well I have dozens of best friends,” Fabian said, never one to be out done. “But, uh, I suppose you two are the- the top of the list. Of my many friends.”

[i simply think.... they!! their dynamic is SO choice if i do say so myself, i just think that old childhood best friends is one of the Best dynamics out there and is sorely underutilized and i am taking it upon myself to solve that problem. you’re welcome, world]

G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?

i HAVE to write my fics in chronological order, from start to finish bc there are always scenes that i really Want to write and if i write those first then i have No drive or focus to write the Rest of the fic or the context that goes with it, so i make myself write chronologically and use the scenes that im really excited to write as a goal and a driving force to get myself through the other, equally important scenes, that i’m less excited about, otherwise the fic sits half-finished and abandoned in my wip folder, never to see the light of day......

H: How would you describe your style?

truly i Could Not Tell You. ive been told i write how i talk which. yeah. but idk how true that is for my fic/fiction writing? i truly don’t know tell me about my writing style im begging you i don’t know what my style is i just write its just there

R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?

there aren’t any specific writers that i draw regular, constant inspo from, really? i’m lucky to know and be friends with multiple incredibly talented authors (you, anna grace, chief among them of course) and sometimes when i read a really good fic or story ill get inspired by the author’s style or tone and work off of that; but those beats of inspiration aren’t super common and tend to just lead to short little spurts of writing, most of my longer ideas and wips are products of plot and character inspiration, drawing from my life or the original media itself and less from fic or other writing (shoutout to @nojoyinmudville and @cauldronoflove both for writing SO good that it made me write fanfiction for THEIR fanfiction sfjvnksjfbd)

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

uhhhhhh not off the top of my head? im a sucker for coffeeshop and bakery aus but they always sort of infuriate me bc you can always tell when theyre written by people who have Never Worked In Food Service nor have they KNOWN anyone who’s worked in food service bc they’re always “im the owner of a very popular, well-trafficked bakery and i’m the owner and also the ONLY EMPLOYEE. I BAKE ALL THE BREAD AND PASTRY MYSELF. AND I RUN THE REGISTER AND THE COUNTER. AND I CLEAN THE WHOLE KITCHEN. AND I DO ALL THE FINANCES AND ORDER FORMS AND LEGAL TAPE. I ALSO HAVE TIME FOR A FUFILLING SOCIAL AND ROMANTIC LIFE. SOMEHOW, I SLEEP SOMETIMES.” plese. im begging u people. use your critical thinking skills. or, if all else fails. GOOGLE HOW WORKING IN A COFFEESHOP WORKS. YOU DON’T WORK 6AM- 8PM SHIFTS SIX DAYS A WEEK WITH ONE COWORKER. YOU HAVE SHIFTS. MORE PEOPLE IN THE RUSH HOURS. YOU HAVE DAYS OFF. ahem. anyway. yeah.

this got. so long sorryyyyyy ksjbskjf but thank you a million anna grace ilyyy 💖💖🤧🤧

send me a fanfic ask!! (my ao3 acc is @/grasslandgirl and is linked in my bio!)

[ofinkdried]

INTRO: MUN // TASK #001

hey all!! i’m slowly working on bios and pages and such but I wanted to introduce myself first -- so here’s what’s technically was the first task?? im using it as the template for my intro so HERE WE GO!!

PERSONAL INTRO

name  /  alias : victoria / tor gender  /  pronouns : cisfemale / she/her where  ya  from  ? : texas!! the  current  time :  4:29 pm height :  5′4 job  or  major :  unemployed at the moment, but I have a degree in health science/health administration & a national certification in phlebotomy pet  (  s  ) :  one doxie/beagle mix named Roxie favorite  thing  (  s  )  about  yourself :  my ability to remember song lyrics better than my own name any  special  talents  ? :  uhhhh I can play 4 ( 5? ) instruments why  you  joined  hqclouds :  FUNNY STORY care was talking to me about some Tea ( we’re in another rp together ) and she made a comment about running an rp and im a bit of a sleuth and found hqclouds and decided to join  meaning  behind  url :  it’s ‘ of clementines ’ because one of my favorite halsey songs is clementine and i’ve been on a halsey kick as of late  last  thing  you  googled :  ‘ fools troye sivan ’ because I wanted to send my friend the music video birthday  /  zodiac :  october 29th / scorpio in  your  opinion  ,  does  your  sign  suit  you  ? : some days myers  -  briggs :  I took it forever ago and don’t remember... ^^’ moral  alignment :  chaotic good hogwarts  house : ravenclaw!! three  fictional  character  (  s  )  you  see  yourself  in  +  why :  oh gosh.... katherine from newsies ( dedicated, doesn’t take a man’s shit), emma from the prom (nervous gay who plays guitar), and flynn rider from tangled (jokester, very in love with our girlfriends) i  started  roleplaying : 2012 I think? types  of  rps  i  enjoy :  definitely literate ones favorite  fcs  to  use :  I try to not reuse fcs a lot?? like I have some I prefer for certain characters, but I don’t have a strong draw to certain faces... fandom  (  s  )  you’d  like  to  write  in : musicals ( namely newsies ), fairy tail, the raven cycle fandom  (  s  )  you  aren’t  in  but  are  curious  about :  uhhhh I dont really know... share  a  funny  roleplay  horror  story :  oh gosh I dealt with one girl who like... constantly gaslit me as a player and my characters, would make me feel bad for not responding immediately, made everything about her characters, and then got mad when I called her out on it? and now she goes to a christian school and says that rp is ‘ the devil’s work ’ and I just... yeah. fondest  roleplay  memory :  I feel like the moment my now girlfriend and I realized we always do ships bc just had awesome chemistry and then started dating like, 4 months later. favorite  canon  muse  (  s  )  to  play : connor murphy ( deh ), gansey ( trc ), spot conlon ( newsies ), jimmy ( bandstand ), lucy heartfillia ( fairy tail ) favorite  original  muse  (  s  )  to  play : theo massard ( a boxer, jack barakat fc; had an AMAZING ship for him )  canon  ships  you  can’t  help  but  love :  CATRADORA. none of my other ships are technically canon : / trope  (  s  )  you  tend  to  be  guilty  of : tragic backstories, tough on the outside soft on the inside i  prefer  .  .  . angst  ,  smut  ,  or  fluff :  I wanna say fluff but I know care and megan will call me out bc I love angst more than anything long  or  short  replies :  mid-length pre  plotting  or  chemistry : chemistry leading to pre plotting! sentence  starters  or  headcanon  memes : both? I love discussing headcanons single  muse  or  multimuse  blogs :  multi!! gif  icons  ,  medium  gifs  ,  or  static  icons : typically gif icons, but lately ive been loving medium gifs grab  the  book  nearest  to  you  and  pull  a  quote  from  it : ok so I have no books atm bc im moving, but the first book on my phone is the dream thieves, and the line I see first is “ The Gray Man considered what it must’ve been like to live like that, always waiting for your door to be kicked in. ” what’s  a  quote  or  song  lyric  that  speaks  to  your  soul  ? : oh gosh, so many... “ I'm a walking travesty/But I'm smiling at everything ” ( therapy, all time low ), “ I imagine the tears in your eyes/The very first night I'll sleep without you ” ( roman holiday, halsey ), “ Am I the product of a problem that I couldn't change?/Got his eyes, got her hair/So do I get their mistakes? ” ( secondhand smoke, kelsea ballerini ) top  current  celebrity  crushes :  halsey, froy guiterrez, harry styles ( always ) last  movie  you  watched :  I think it was uhhhhhh miss americana on netflix? did  you  like  it  ? :  YES I loved it favorite  movie  (  s  )    of  all  time : 10 things I hate about you, newsies ( ’92 ) favorite  tv  show  (  s  )  of  all  time : she-ra, queer eye, fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood, gossip girl favorite  tv  show  that  hasn’t  ended : zoey’s extraordinary playlist favorite  series  of  books  /  novels  /  comics : the raven cycle, all for the game, the last song sports  team  (  s  )  you  rep : dallas cowboys, houston astros ( yeah I know about the scandal and I hate it, but they’re my team ), FAU owls ( my alma mater ) favorite  video  game  (  s  ) : breath of the wild, KH series favorite  youtube  channels : unus annus, daniel howell ( rip he hasn’t posted in a year ), the try guys, NPR Music, CrankGameplays ( ethans just a dork I dont even like gamer videos that much ) hobbies :  guitar, singing, being in zoom musicals ( im playing whatsername from american idiot for one in July and auditioned for a few others! ), reading what  are  the  three  non  essential  things  you’d  bring  to  a  deserted  island  ? : my guitar, my laptop, wifi put  your  music  on  shuffle.  what  six  songs  pop  up  ? : HOLD ME TIGHT OR DONT, fall out boy; I’m Still Here, John Rzeznik; Towers, Little Mix; Way Down Hadestown, hadestown obc; Stitches, state champs (cover); Look Back, betty who personal  aesthetic : nerdy punk?  dream  vacation  ? : disneyland paris or disneyland Singapore with my gf dream  job  ? :  music teacher dream  car  ? :  one that works at this point if  i  could  live  anywhere  ,  it’d  be : austin, texas ( im about an hour away rn ) favorite  musical : OH GOSH..... the prom, bandstand, newsies, hadestown favorite  food  (  s  ) :  blueberry pancakes, red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese icing coffee  order :  at starbucks? venti iced chai tea latte. at dunkin? large iced vanilla coffee. at home? french vanilla coffee and caramel macchiato creamer and 2 scoops of sugar.  unwatched  stuff  in  your  netflix  /  hulu  /  etc :  netflix: sex education, the umbrella academy, end of the f***ing world, the people vs. oj simpson. hulu: portrait of a lady on fire, my friend dahmer, rocketman what’s  a  subject  you  know  too  much  about  +  never  get  tired  of  talking  about  ? : I dunno? I have a ton of useless facts on a wide range of subjects. like did you know that in 100 letters, halsey says ‘ You wrote 100 letters just for me/And I find them in my closet in the pockets of my jeans/Now I'm constantly reminded of the time I was 19/Every single one's forgotten in a laundromat machine ’ and that’s actually autobiographical -- her bf at the time wrote a note and put it in a pocket of every pair of pants she owned, and she was still finding them months after the relationship ended, so she took all her pants to a laundromat and washed them so she wouldn’t have to see the letters anymore!!

#(( this got long im sorry asdkjfh )) #cloud:task #&&. 'im a hurricane.' || tor posts.

[anti-pasto]

for the 200 ask thingy, i actually dare you to do all of them. :D

delgaskarthalexhere we go, anon: 

200: My crush’s name is: I don’t have one right now, I don’t get them often (if I ever had a crush at all)

199: I was born in: 2003

198: I am really: A 2005 emo kid x a 2008 scene kid x a 2014 tumblr fangirl x Kyle himself

 197: My cellphone company is: Apple

194: My ring size is: Honestly? No idea. Propose to me with a sword.

 193: My height is: Somewhere between 5′7″ and 5′8″

192: I am allergic to: Nothing I’m aware of 

191: My 1st car was:  94 Station Wagon, by request

190: My 1st job was: being this funny is a full-time gig

 189: Last book you read: Bone Gap by Laura Ruby

188: My bed is: “made”

187: My pet: I have a cat, I love her very much and I will show her to you if you dm me a cursed image

186: My best friend: We don’t use “best friend” for personal reasons, but they’ve been with me since I was 5 so, my one and only Bro

185: My favorite shampoo is: anything with “silky smooth” or “strawberries” on the bottle. i’m not that picky anymore.

184: Xbox or ps3: xbox or ps4  xbox

183: Piggy banks are: really useful

 182: In my pockets: wallet, keys, phone, earbuds, black pen/pencil, earplugs, mini flashlight

 181: On my calendar:  i’m meeting a friend for smoothies tomorrow

 180: Marriage is: something we shouldn’t push so much onto people. it’s a declaration of love, not an end-all fix-all to your life. i can’t ever see myself getting married but who knows!

 179: Spongebob can: continue to be a relevant meme

178: My mom: i mean. we function. i can’t really complain about my family at large but i am defiantly looking forward to living literally as far away from them as i can. 

 177: The last three songs I bought were? psh, you think i pay for music? (folie a deux, lake effect kid, believers never die volume two) (those are albums but its okay)

176: Last YouTube video watched: I watched Markiplier play Uno

175: How many cousins do you have? 11? 12? I lost count

174: Do you have any siblings? I have a brother

 173: Are your parents divorced? Nope!

172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes, I have been for a while

171: Do you play an instrument? dude HECK yeah! i vibe on piano, guitar, ukulele, clarinet, and im a drum major

170: What did you do yesterday? I went on a drive by myself.

 [ I Believe In ] 

169: Love at first sight: Nope.

168: Luck: Yes, but luck is something that can be engineered

167: Fate: To an extent

 166: Yourself: I’d say overall, yeah. I still have doubts tho

165: Aliens: Mmmmmm yeah

 164: Heaven: Yes

163: Hell: Yes

162: God: Yeup

 161: Horoscopes: without an ounce of truth, they would have died a long time ago

160: Soul mates: the greeks had seven words for love. i think we have multiple soul mates to fit each of those categories. there are definitely people we’re just meant to vibe with

159: Ghosts: i want to say yes but i really dont know

158: Gay Marriage: yes. its 2020. grow up.

157: War: in theory? no. war is kinda messed up. in reality? not everyone is going to be down to nice diplomatic conflict resolution, and not everyone is just gonna leave people *countries* they don’t like alone, so...

156: Orbs: ??? energies are real

155: Magic: vibes are real

 [ This or That ]

 154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs

153: Drunk or High: i am a child of jesus

152: Phone or Online: online

 151: Red heads or Black haired:  irdc but black hair bc i am Emo

150: Blondes or Brunettes: blonde?? ig?? easier to dye

149: Hot or cold: hot weather + cold rooms

148: Summer or winter: summer

147: Autumn or Spring: autum (screw spring)

 146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla

145: Night or Day: night

 144: Oranges or Apples: oranges (better to share with homies)

 143: Curly or Straight hair: i dont care but curly

 142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonald give iced coffee

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: dark chocolate

 140: Mac or PC: pc for vidgya gaemes

139: Flip flops or high heals: ...converse. please. i cant walk properly in either of those

 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor 

 137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi

136: Hillary or Obama: this is kinda outdated but obama

135: Burried or cremated: cremated i aint watch spn for nothin

134: Singing or Dancing: singing. at least that gets better with practice

133: Coach or Chanel: chanel (thank u mr frank ocean and also the neighborhood)

 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: whomst

 131: Small town or Big city: big city and if you say small town you’ve never lived in a small town

 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target

 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: who tf is this

 128: Manicure or Pedicure: idk dude probably pedicure i don’t like people touching my hands and i use them for too much to get my nails done

127: East Coast or West Coast: hnngggggggg west coast has more to do but east coast has better beaches and 

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday 

125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate bc then i can give u some

124: Disney or Six Flags: ive only been to disney so disney (though i AM a HARDCORE rollercoaster stan so it wouldnt take much for me to say six flags)

123: Yankees or Red Sox: what 

 [ Here’s What I Think About ]

 122: War: unfortunately sometimes necessary but not as a first resort i went over this already 

 121: George Bush: is that the shoe guy?

 120: Gay Marriage:  be gay. do crime. kiss wife. or husband. or partner. basically, hell yeah

119: The presidential election: america need 2 b single and focus on herself

 118: Abortion: pro-choice and that choice should be made by the one carrying the baby

117: MySpace: tumblr’s dad

116: Reality TV: don’t talk to about abt this

 115: Parents: disgusting. go to therapy. 

114: Back stabbers: if you’re gonna stab me in the back, pull my lungs through my ribcage bc that’s what my ancestor’s ghosts are gonna do to you (thanks great (x a few times) grandma viking ily thanks for the hair:) )

113: Ebay: good for merch and selling books

 112: Facebook: zuck my dick, data-theif

111: Work: i like doing work? like- i enjoy completing tasks and seeing my hard work pay off? it’s not that bad?

110: My Neighbors: old. boring. want me to babysit for free.

109: Gas Prices: i cant really complain rn they’re kinda low and im a little broke so

108: Designer Clothes: i vibe to them, honestly

 107: College: not for everyone but definitely for me

106: Sports: marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport but only technically speaking though you can make fair comparisons to sports such as cheer, and gymnastics where the idea is to put on a show and receive a score in the form of competition. 

 105: My family: disgusting

104: The future: the future doesn’t exist

 [ Last time I ] 

103: Hugged someone: god, don’t ask me this

 102: Last time you ate: uhhh like 9 hours ago? it was dinner and i had pizza

 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: three or four weeks ago by best bro came to visit and we vibed

100: Cried in front of someone: i finished twist and shout at school at the end of a very bad week. it was only a few tears but that’s as close as i get to crying

99: Went to a movie theater: whenever the last star wars movie came out

98: Took a vacation: last year i went to dc over summer break to see the Smithsonian, it was a lot of fun. i was supposed to go to altanta and florida this year but that didn’t happen for reasons

 97: Swam in a pool: last week

 96: Changed a diaper: never

 95: Got my nails done: never

 94: Went to a wedding: its been at least 6 years dude

93: Broke a bone: never, somehow

 92: Got a peircing: nope

91: Broke the law: technically, yesterday. 55 is too slow

90: Texted: just now

 [ MISC ] 

89: Who makes you laugh the most: the person in my snap named “junior”

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my cat

87: The last movie I saw: probably into the spiderverse

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: things going back to normal. or somewhat normal. i need school to have a schedule bc i absolutely cannot force myself to function without outside influence

 85: The thing im not looking forward to: ironically, school in the fall. the way we’re going back is going to wreck me more than lockdown already has

 84: People call me: i only ft one of my bros and they know who tf they are if you ask to ft you’re getting fuckin blocked mate i dont do that shit video calls are for WORK and SCHOOL thats IT. but ppl call me by my nickname irl, i go by screech on here. 

83: The most difficult thing to do is: listen to my parent’s political opinions? live in a small town? force myself to be productive without a physical influence and reminder? put up with that one dude?

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope

 81: My zodiac sign is: scoprio/leo/gemini

80: The first person i talked to today was: the potential bassist for our potential band? 

79: First time you had a crush: uhh im still not sure if it was a crush but i wanted them to myself and they wanted (and got) someone better. we were just friends so it doesn’t really matter

 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: the person on snap named “the great oracle”

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday, it was my brother

 76: Right now I am talking to: in order of snap names, “vibin ~[^.^]~”, “russian umbrella”, and “mom” (not really)

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully, a job that makes me happy

74: I have/will get a job: as soon as i know what’s going on with school. but like as an adult? wherever will hire me and pay my fairly. being a barista would be fun, but at a local place (not in my current town)

73: Tomorrow: ???? time for bad poetry: tomorrow i will see my friend/ admist this lasting chaos/ we will be each other’s solitude/ while sharing fruity drinks/ and when we both come home/ a smile we will bring

72: Today: idk what this means so more poetry: today i will be sleep deprived as always/ i will think of them and weep/ but no tears will fall from my eyes/ for i know there is a reason/ we went our own way

 71: Next Summer: i fr dont know whats goin on so: next summer i will be/ as happy as can be/ because i will be in pain no longer/ the earth is sure to heal/ and i will heal with her/ so i can enjoy/ the heatwave of next summer

70: Next Weekend: next weekend i will spend/ my days wasting away/ maybe ill finish hannibal/ again/ not that serial killers make the dopamine stay/ i will not see my friends/ or talk to my family/ i will seldom eat/ and live off coffee/ this has been my life/ all quarintine/ god someone please help me

 69: I have these pets: i have four cats, three chickens, and a dog

 68: The worst sound in the world: my dad and grandpa talking

 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Them

 66: People that make you happy: snap name time: the great oracle, junior, vibin ~[^.^]~, russian umbrella, mom, hero, booby-king 48, go to bed, son, pooper trooper, mac&cheese, plain egg biscuit, apple pie

 65: Last time I cried: i dont cry bitch (last week over officals that cant make up they gottdamned mindes)

64: My friends are: my family and i would die for each and all of them

 63: My computer is: an old hp but it play gaemes real good so it okie

 62: My School: is trash but the band pops off

61: My Car: old, fast, clean

60: I lose all respect for people who: are my dad

 59: The movie I cried at was: i cried over big hero six

 58: Your hair color is: blonde

57: TV shows you watch: supernatural, good omens, hannibal, parks and rec

56: Favorite web site: this hellsite or youtube

 55: Your dream vacation: out of the country with beautiful beaches, amazing food, and my best friend

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: the time i split the back of my head open, the time i split my chin open, and the time my then best friend said they didn’t want to talk to me anymore. i’ll let you guess which one hurt the most and which one i think about every fucking day

53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium or medium well. 

52: My room is: clean and a reflection of myself, or so i’ve been told

51: My favorite celebrity is: i do not engage in celebrity worship. ill follow them and reblog gifs/interviews but i dont really have a favorite. the less i know abt them the better.

 50: Where would you like to be: my own apartment in nyc

49: Do you want children: FUCK THEM KIDS BRO

 48: Ever been in love: i dont know if it was love. i dont know if it was a crush. what i do know id that i was attached and they didn’t feel the same, and why would they?

 47: Who’s your best friend: we dont really use best friend bc but “the great oracle” “junior” and “vibin ~[^.^]~”

46: More guy friends or girl friends: its 50/50

45: One thing that makes you feel great is: goin fast, the beach, playin video games

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: them

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: go to college, earn degree

 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: commit arson

 41: Have you pre-named your children: FUCK. THEM. KIDS. BRO.

40: Last person I got mad at: they do not understand that they do not know everything about something they’re not even involved in yet

39: I would like to move to: new zealand

38: I wish I was a professional: artist? musican? youtuber? who knows

 [ My Favorites ] 

37: Candy: nerds

36: Vehicle: 1970 mustang gt

 35: President: jfk only bc his assassination is the only good thing abt american history the rest of it is fucked up and shouldn’t have happened. also jfk’s song in assassians the musical goes hard

34: State visited: california

 33: Cellphone provider: verizon? apple? idfk

32: Athlete: what is sport

31: Actor: i don't watch shows or movies

30: Actress: i do not consume media

29: Singer: alex gaskarth or alexander deleon

 28: Band: fall out boy 

 27: Clothing store: hot topic (i will not apologize)

 26: Grocery store: okay harris teeter fucks but lidil’s has aloe vera juice and target at 9 pm energy so idk man 

25: TV show: supernatural...

24: Movie: big hero 6

 23: Website: tumblr or youtube

 22: Animal: snow leopard 

 21: Theme park: busch gardens bc roller coaster go fast

20: Holiday: christmas

19: Sport to watch: snowboarding bc its like skateboarding but on snow

18: Sport to play: anything with havy footwork (marching band is a sport)

17: Magazine: i do not condume media

16: Book: the ranger’s apprentice series as a whole makes up my all-time one favorite book

 15: Day of the week: friday bc its game day baybey

14: Beach: cocoa beach in florida but also i have so much left to experience 

13: Concert attended: i havent been to any notable gigs but i was supposed to go to hella mega

 12: Thing to cook: pancakes

11: Food: pizza or shushi

 10: Restaurant: chiplote

 9: Radio station: i like my local rock station and my local edm/top 40 station

8: Yankee candle scent: anything smoky or vanilla idc

7: Perfume: chanel no. 5 if i even wear it

6: Flower: Hydrangea

5: Color: orange

 4: Talk show host: cecil palmer

 3: Comedian: john maulaney

 2: Dog breed: yes

1: Did you answer all these truthfully? ;)

That was a trip. But it was fun, please do things like this more often. Also, I don’t consume media by choice. I’m not sheltered I just can’t be bothered, and I have enough going on. That being said I will now be sleeping. Thanks again, Anon, I hope you have fun reading this :D

[lit--bitch]

Current-Reads (20/04/2020 - 26/04/2020) 🍓🐢

(Disclosure: I don’t know anybody I’ve been currently reading this week. 😊)

Adding the preface again here: every Sunday without fail I throw up the freshest literature and photography I’ve read over the week, sometimes it’s a book, sometimes it’s a piece I saw in a magazine or an online zine, sometimes it’s something I saw on social media, etc. Sometimes I add ‘RECOMMEND’ next to a few of the titles, but that’s not to say I don’t recommend all of them, I just love some pieces more than others. Not everything will be everybody’s cup of tea, yanno, c’est la vie. And any titles that you see in bold are hyperlinked so if you click or tap them they’ll direct you straight to the source… or shopping basket. 

This week I’m gonna throw in a red herring and tell you about something I’ve been watching as well as what I’ve been reading, because I think it’s really cool and definitely appropriate for the age we’re living in at the moment. 

So I’ve been reading: Susan Sontag’s As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh (Diaries 1964—1980) which was edited by her son, David. I also read an interview on Granta from March between Rachel Long and Morgan Parker. I’ve also tucked into a couple pieces on Fence, Lexi Welch’s ‘Astroturf’ and Anthony Michael Morena’s ‘The Whale’. I also saw Cecelia Knapp’s poem in Bath Magg Issue Three (but the whole issue is an absolute smacker, it’s great). Last but not least, I’m up to episode 5 of a brand new thing called The Midnight Gospel. It is crazy good. And it’s on Netflix right now. 

***

Cecilia Knapp, ‘I Used To Eat KFC Zingers Without Hating Myself’, Bath Magg Issue #3: I really loved the whole of Issue Three, I guess I was quite struck by this particular poem for its “staccato-ness”. This poem is buttered with present-day references. But they’re not necessarily about creating a familiar environment. Rather the object of familiarity is found within the assemblage of places, snacks and thoughts, all of which compound the grief ‘I’ is experiencing. The ‘I’ ruminates on life’s banality and their personal insecurities in living banality: ‘I need a thigh gap. I use emojis / to avoid conflict. Worry I’m a gentrifier. Watch docs about murdered women’. The vapidity is funny. The pain is not. The insecurities deepen. Your body, your life, continues the ache of day-to-day routine, and finds no resolution in the things which may or may not stand to comfort oneself when ravaged by loss. The poem feels quite loose, and disinterested. It’s a sore poem, but its array of references make it colourful. It sort of reminded me of Édouard Levé’s work a little bit? But if Édouard Levé had been a pop culture fanatic chewing HubbaBubba bubblegum on the London Overground.  Bath Magg is a pretty exciting new magazine, (been around just under a year I think?) and they’ve published a lot of great writers, many of whom are emerging and I’ve spotted some quite established peple in there too. Kudos to their rubber ducky logo. It’s run by Mariah Whelan and Joe Carrick-Varty. 

In Conversation with Morgan Parker and Rachel Long, Granta Magazine: I deeply love Morgan Parker’s work, she’s, in my opinion, the master of titles. I can’t think of anybody who titles their work as well as Morgan Parker does. And I love the depth of honesty and charisma in this interview. Like yeah, it appears to be a generic Q/A but, it genuinely feels like a conversation, and it’s welcoming and unpretentious. Rachel Long asks some penetrating questions, and Morgan’s answers are so detailed and self-aware. Most of the discussion revolves around the action of writing poetry in general and where does that impulse arise from, but they do discuss Morgan’s latest collection Magical Negro which came out February last year. It’s a narrative on black womanhood, on micro-aggressions and reoccuring violence, it’s about breaking down white perceptions of blackness, and dissolving those projections. What I love about Morgan Parker is she’s tackling this fucking idiot thing where (mostly) white people think she’s attempting to represent all black women in her writing, which is, by Morgan’s own admission, impossible. Her work is a duty to herself, to the background she’s lived and lives, and to unpack that discourse in her own way. And if it resonates, then great! I felt all this was inherent in the interview and only adds to my respect for her, and to Rachel for being such an attentive interviewer. BTW Rachel Long has a debut collection coming out this July, My Darling from the Lions.

Anthony Michael Morena, ‘The Whale’, Fence Portal (Streaming) (RECOMMEND): I can’t tell you how much I adored this beautiful mass of whale and word. It’s an essay which references the American Natural History Museum’s Blue Whale model. The writing is thick with feeling and fat with concern. It blends monologue, memoir. It’s non-fiction and documentary. It’s elusive, enigmatic, fragmented. It’s like broken biscuits and blubber. To me it felt like a note on the offences of climate change, the emotional response and grief as we bystand erosion and corrosion, the loss of life, and the urge to merge something back together as it dissolves and fragments before our eyes. It’s as personal as it is public. A gorgeous and complex piece.

Susan Sontag’s As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh (Diaries 1964—1980) (RECOMMEND): I felt so afflicted reading Susan Sontag’s diaries, because y’know, it’s the equivalent of invading an Ancient Egyptian pharaoh’s tomb. Like, leave people alone. At the same like, this woman. These diaries are still shaping me, and each section leaves you with the weirdest aftertaste. Her personality permeates through every detail, every line-break, every reference and articulation of feeling. You learn so much, you gain so much from her perceptions and observations. How do I contain Susan Sontag? How do I describe these diaries? Not at all. Just buy it. 

Lexi Welch’s ‘Astroturf’, Fence Portal (Streaming) (RECOMMEND): My eyes locked onto this piece and just didn’t really stop reading. Lexi’s voice is enamouring and hypnotic. It’s so violent too. You’re lunged into friction burns and sports injuries, time and progression, the tensions between collectivity and individuality, family and sexuality, or as Fence put it, ‘lesbian eros’. This piece felt acidic. At times you can’t tell if the ‘I’ is indifferent or hurting to the point of numbness. It straddles so many different thematics, and breaks down a lot of conventions pertaining to the “ideal experience” of family relationships and team work. The resolution seems to be that in spite of people, our collectivity is defined by our collective solitude. This essay kicked me around a football field. It takes a good few repeated reads to appreciate its kaleidoscopic shifting, but it’s definitely one of my favourites.

The Midnight Gospel, from Pendleton Ward and Duncan Trussell, Netflix: (RECOMMEND) So the other day my friend Ben linked this to me and I had seen the trailer ages back and thought “Oh yeah I really wanna watch that”, but just forgot. After his reminder, I started watching it and ever since I’ve been saying to loads of other friends “Have you watched ‘The Midnight Gospel’ on Netflix?” because I’m d y i n g  to talk about it with everybody. 

I literally can’t categorise this “TV show” to you. It’s like if animation had a baby with a philosophy podcast and then put that baby onto an IV drip of psychedelics. It’s this swarm of different stimuli which you kind have to zone in on and absorb individually and yet somehow collectively. 

So like, “Clancy” is a spacecaster who sets up “spacecasts” (podcasts) with creatures from other simulated worlds and he interviews them. But when Clancy transports himself into these worlds, it’s not like they’re sat down on some cream sofa with two glasses of water like it’s animated Oprah. No, his interviewees are like in the middle of fighting off a zombie apocalypse or meditating on a mountain or trying to find and save their lost lover. And Clancy just joins them on the journey and interviews them about their “specialism”. These are real people that are being interviewed like, the first episode is with Dr. Drew Pinker. And when you’re watching it, you think that the animation is totally separate to the conversation exchange the characters are having, but that’s not true. They have intersections, they have meaning. It only becomes obvious that it has meaning right at the end of each episode, but if you lock on you’ll see it’s all relevant throughout. 

One of my friends was like “Oh I might stick that on tonight and have a joint” and I was like, don’t fucking get high when you’re watching this because it’s already intense enough as it is, like you know that Pendleton Ward and Duncan Trussell have felt some real shit to create this absolute rare jewel. In my opinion, you don’t need cannabis to appreciate these discussions. But if you wanna do it, then hey it’s a “free country”. And it’s not as though there’s a serious, central core plot like there is with Rick & Morty, I mean there is a kind of overarching plot but it’s not always integral. Like ultimately we’re invested in Clancy’s story but also all the stories of all the other people that come his way. There’s multiple plots, there’s multiple dimensions and ways of seeing. It’s a programme which delivers on multiplicity, which manifests itself in everything and everyone we see and know and touch and hear, etc, etc. 

This production articulates some of the revelations that psychedelics can give you. Psychedelics don’t make you see the world literally like these animations do, but the sensations of the animation are reminiscent of an acid trip’s oscillating moods and sensitivities. It’s really cool, and it’s very poignant, and it’s my new favourite show to watch. And what’s so great about it is that, it requires multiple watches in order to really absorb everything in its entirety, so it’s a series you can just keep going back to even after you’ve seen them all. It’s re-watchable. Just fundamental goodness all round. Best way to indulge in it is with ice cream. 🍨

***

So that’s it for this week, next Friday’s review is Annie Ernaux’s A Girl’s Story translated by Alison L. Strayer, published with Fitzcarraldo Editions. 

Stay safe and well as always, my little caramels. 💁🏽

#currentreads #litbitch #reading #watching #fencebooks #bathmagg #susan sontag #anthonymichaelmorena #lexiwelch #ceciliaknapp #granta #morganparker #rachellong #poetry #essay #the midnight gospel #netflix #diaries #books #bookstagram

[justanalto]

quarantine tag game

i was tagged by @crazyrichfilipinos (hi and ty!) 

1. Are you staying home from work/school?

yup. no school, no temp assignments...just a big ole unemployment void. so this is what it’ll be like when i’m older. 

2. If you’re staying at home, who’s there with you?

the other three members of my family and the voices of everyone my mom calls on the daily. 

3. Do you have pets to keep you company?

no, and i really wish i had at least a hamster. a dog would be preferable. i’d even take a cat.

4. What do you miss the most?

i miss a lot of things. i think mainly i just miss having a sense of purpose? i got caught in the unemployment crossfire (without actually being able to file for unemployment welp) and everyone else in my house is learning online/working while i’m just kinda...floating around doing nothing. 

5. When was the last time you left your home?

march 14. i went to the gym and picked up some picture frames from ikea, and the next day began the stay-at-home advisory. the last time i physically left the house was about two weeks ago, when i went photographing, touched the ground and subsequently panicked about getting sick for the next week. (this was fueled by my mom’s reaction and i know she’s right but also still it’s a Lot)

6. What was the last thing you brought?

overcooked and overcooked 2 for steam baby! they were both on sale and i’ve just been playing with my friends. about to buy jackbox 5 tho cause it’s also on sale and might debut it at my possible zoom grad party.

7. Is quarantine driving you insane or are you finally relaxed?

i have never been less relaxed because literally every anxiety is in play every single moment of the day

8. Are you a homebody?

i used to be! then i went to college and all that stuff. home is a great base to touch in on every now and again, but being home requires me to take up a specific role that i’m not comfortable being in for the rest of my life. i also fell in love with travelling, so...no, I guess? i’m a homebody in the sense that I enjoy quiet nights in. but other than that let me out of here please i’m begging you

9. What are movies you have watched recently?

PORTRAIT OF A LADY ON FIRE. THE GAY. oh! and saving face, because bitches can’t WAIT for the half of it! it’s me. i’m bitches. 

my ultimate goal is to work through the list of movies i want to watch (snowpiercer, parasite, knives out, to all the boys 2, etc.) and then work my way back through the movies i haven’t seen in a long time (princess diaries 1 + 2, all three Lilo and Stitches, camp rock)

10. An event that you were looking forward to that got cancelled?

just...everything. commencement ball. commencements parts I-IV. the acapella concerts I was supposed to see my friends at because it was their last hurrah. the conference where I was supposed to present the thesis project that stripped me of my mental health during my last semester of college! my friend and I were supposed to go see AJR in may. we were all supposed to throw grad parties. class of 2020 really got gypped y’all. the start of a marketing position i’d just secured with a temp company. 

11. What’s the worst thing you’ve had to cancel?

probably commencement. it was supposed to be a last hurrah with my friends because I wouldn’t have hung out with them since i left uni the semester before. our crowning achievement, if you will. the defining moment that said yes, despite every piece of drama and every bit of trauma along the way, we made it and we’re ready to fuck up the world. the crowning glory. and now all of that’s been stripped away and instead, society’s just going to throw us into the dry pool called the job market. commencement was supposed to be the breath of air before we went back to trying to swim against a current. now it’s just a continuous struggle that won’t be made better because no one can retire. plus the market, which is normally fucked for creatives, is going to be extra fucked because no company has ‘money’.  

12. What’s the best thing you’ve had to cancel?

uhhhh...i mean i guess when you put it that way, it would be the research conference. i was not ready to turn my brain back into academic mode. 

13. Do you have any new hobbies?

not new hobbies per se...just re-picked up a lot of old ones? knitting, writing, photography. folding stars. all sort of muscle memory things you can do while binge-watching TV. i’m in the process of making jars of little stars for my senior friends because they’re ‘senior stars’! cue ‘we’re all in this together’. 

but in all seriousness (and cheesiness, sorry guys) i wanted to make them something that was decorative and cute and reminded them that they were important. like stars. and just as like. a present. ‘cause they deserve that. 

14. What are you out of?

serotonin, dopamine and a will to live, almost. i’m so tired y’all.

15. What music are you listening too?

mostly my current music playlist, but i’m trolling my friends’ playlists too. i am repeating “complicated” from sex&drugs&rock&roll, though, mainly because i’m resonating with it so deeply to the point where i want to cry. and am unable to. as one does.

16. What shows are you watching?

a lot of the shows i watch ended production early so that’s really no more for grey’s...ok basically just grey’s ended early but i’m still watching 9-1-1 because they’re still producing regularly. b99 is too but I think they’re just about to wrap up. i’ve been meaning to start the recent season of odaat but i’ve just been watching the old episodes on netflix because idt we can get poptv. 

i started rewatching victorious, i’m at a pause with dynasty and sex&drugs&rock&roll mainly because of formatting. does anyone have any tv recs? 

17. What are you reading?

i’ve been meaning to start into the interior by michelle cliff, and after that i’d really like to re-read ‘i hate everyone but you’ by gaby dunn and allison raskin. i’d like more gay books tho.

18. What are you doing for self care?

watching a lot of the try guys. in the middle of trying to reset my sleeping clock tho.

19. Are you exercising?

i....am. mainly because not exercising makes me feel worse about myself and i can already sense the hell i’m going to catch if I don’t look good for my cousin’s wedding. (we’re gonna assume it happens.) 

20. How’s your toilet paper supply?

when we first started this whole thing, i looked in the basement and uh...let’s just say we’re gonna be pretty okay for a while. still hasn’t stopped me from monitoring my sheet usage though.

21. Have you made any changes to your hair during quarantine?

i cut my hair short just before quarantine, actually! so i’ve sort of been revelling in that. if this goes on for a while longer i might trim it myself, just because i would rather stay short than go long again for the sake of my own sanity. 

tagging: @agentmmayy @peacequack @lalalyds2 @the-writer-girl-nerd and anyone else that feels like doing this lovely quarantine tag or is slowly trying not to go insane

#re things #tag things #there's some salt in this post i'm sorry

[v-thinks-on]

We Know That We Need, But Not What - Part 5

First | Previous | Next

When their shift was over, Kirk invited Spock back to his quarters for dinner and a meeting.

“A real meeting this time,” Kirk explained a tad apologetically as they sat down at the table in his quarters.

Spock inclined his head in understanding. “It is not logical to lie about your intent.”

Kirk gave him a look, but quickly turned to the business at hand. “I want to figure out what the Romulans are up to and I want a plan before the other ships get here.”

Spock quirked a skeptical eyebrow at him, as though to ask why his presence was even necessary.

“It was a fluke that I found that outpost,” Kirk admitted with a shake of his head. “I was staring at the reports and all the planets in the area, and I couldn’t figure out where else all those ships could have been going. But there may be more that are better hidden, and I don’t know how to figure out how many ships have crept over the border. I need your logic.” Kirk gave Spock a sideways glance, a smile teased at the corners of his lips.

“As a member of your crew, my logic is at your disposal,” Spock replied.

Kirk would take what he could get. “Computer, display the starmap of this sector, overlaid with alleged sightings of Romulan vessels.” He turned to Spock. “I take it you’ve had a chance to read the reports?”

Spock looked at him as though he were attempting to decide whether to take the question as an insult.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Kirk replied. “In which case, I shouldn’t have to remind you that it’s your duty to report to me if you’ve figured something out that’s important to our mission or the safety of this ship.” 

“If I ‘figure anything out’ you will be the first to know,” Spock retorted. “I have merely formed some hypotheses.”

“I want to know your ‘hypotheses’ too,” Kirk insisted. “Your guesses are better to me than a lot of men’s proof.”

“It is not logical to guess,” Spock said, almost reflexively. “However, your orders are understood.”

“Good,” Kirk said and gestured for Spock to take it away.

“Given the reported sensor disturbances, it is highly unlikely for there to be fewer than four Romulan vessels in this sector and I hypothesize that there are at least six,” Spock said.

“That’s a little small for an invasion force,” Kirk remarked.

“Yes, I believe I misjudged the Romulans intentions,” Spock admitted. “Your attempt on the Romulan outpost was informative - if ill-advised.”

Kirk frowned a little, but nodded for him to continue.

“It appears they are merely attempting to encroach on Federation territory and alter the boundaries of the Neutral Zone to their advantage,” Spock explained.

“I agree,”  Kirk said, a hand on the table as though he was half-way to his feet. “The question is; they have one outpost, where are the others?”

Kirk stared at the map for a moment before suggesting, “There’s a lot of activity around Ursus IV, but I don’t know what they’d want there.”

“No,” Spock replied, “That is not a likely target. I hypothesize that they would choose a key strategic position, such as Cassus I or Orion IX, as their base of operations. However, neither system is likely given their known movements. Instead, I would propose Gallia III as a possible candidate.”

Kirk nodded. “What about- No,” he cut himself off with a shake off his head and returned his attention to the viewscreen. He went over the reported sightings, speaking as much to himself as to Spock, “First Outpost Four, then Six, then Ten - Twenty Seven must have been a different ship - then Three…” he trailed off. “I don’t know how you keep track of it all” - he glanced over at Spock.

Spock was watching him intently, evaluating him. Finally, he remarked, “I believe this exercise will be more productive if we attempt it at another time.”

“What? Why?” Kirk demanded.

“Humans require ample and regular sleep,” Spock replied, somewhere between impatient and bemused.

Kirk glared at him, but it lacked any real heat. “It’s a nice idea, but I have a ship to command.”

“It is highly unlikely that being well rested will impair your ability to do so,” Spock retorted.

Kirk sighed. “There are more important things I have to do. The needs of the Enterprise and her crew have to come first.”

Spock gave him a look.

“You saw what happened with the Romulans,” Kirk said.

But Spock remained unconvinced.

Kirk hesitated. He looked away and could not bring himself to meet Spock’s eyes. “I don’t know if I’m still qualified to be in command.” He rubbed at the back of his neck in discomfort.

Finally, he looked up and met Spock’s concerned gaze - for Kirk or the ship, he couldn’t tell.

“I’m not ready to give up quite yet,” Kirk said with half a smile, “But I have a lot of work to do to get back into shape. I already had to learn the hard way that what I want can’t come first.”

“I have questioned your competence on multiple occasions since my return from Vulcan,” Spock acknowledged at last. “However, you appear to learn from your mistakes. And I am certain that there is no one else in the Federation who cares about the Enterprise as much as you do, nor, I find myself inclined to believe, anyone as well equipped to command it - your current state of fatigue notwithstanding.”

Kirk stared at him, wide-eyed with surprise. “Spock,” was all he managed to say. A grin spread across his face.

Spock gave him a subtle smile in return.

“Point taken,” Kirk said at last. “We'll finish up dinner and then I'll get some rest” - he punctuated the statement with a yawn that was only partly forced.

Once they were both done eating, Spock took his leave. Just before the door opened to let him out, he said quietly, “Good night, Jim.” And then he was gone.

“Take us to Gallia III, warp seven,” Captain Kirk ordered.

Spock watched the captain from the science station. Kirk looked comfortable - perhaps excessively so. He certainly lacked a Vulcan’s perfect, straight posture, but nor was he reclining. He held his command with a familiar pride.

Spock could see the moment the captain’s head began to turn, and then his back followed, as he twisted in his chair to glance up at Spock, as though seeking his approval - not that Spock was qualified to grant it. Kirk smiled at Spock the same way he always had, even though his features had been changed by the intervening years.

There was something helpless about the expression that played at Spock’s sympathies even as he knew the dangers of reciprocating. The open admiration and affection that Kirk offered were intoxicating despite all his faults and failures. But Spock was still a Vulcan, and so his features remained unperturbed aside from a pointedly raised eyebrow.

Kirk did not break away; his smile barely faltered. Their eyes held for seconds too long before the captain turned back to face the helm.

Spock returned to his duties at the science station, only glancing up every so often from the unremarkable readings to watch the captain. Kirk sat at the center of the Enterprise. Yeomen hurried to and from his chair in the center of the bridge, bearing reports on every operation on the ship that required his approval. In between, he continued his seemingly endless reading - he was currently researching everything known about the Romulans and their military capabilities.

A few times, Kirk glanced over his shoulder and met Spock’s eyes for an instant, before hastily returning to his work.

Eventually, Sulu reported, “Captain, we’re entering the Gallian system.”

Kirk seemed to jolt into full awareness of his surroundings, but he did not take long to acclimate. “Sulu, drop down to impulse. Spock, anything on the sensors?”

“I detect nothing out of the ordinary,” Spock replied.

“Good” - he glanced back at Spock - “I want to know the instant you see anything; we don’t want a confrontation yet.”

“I presume you intend to preempt another confrontation,” Spock corrected him, though the human inaccuracy was likely a harmless one.

The captain gave Spock a look before facing back toward the helm. A rocky planet approached on the viewscreen. “Sulu, give us a high orbit and be ready to leave at any moment. Spock, do you detect anything on the surface?”

“I detect no life forms,” Spock replied, scanning the sensors.

Kirk frowned, his brow furrowed in thought. “Any interference?”

“I do not detect anything out of the ordinary, though I will continue running sensor scans,” Spock said.

Kirk turned in his chair to face the science station. “How likely is it that you were wrong about the Romulans having an outpost here?”

Spock promptly answered, “I estimate a one in one hundred fourty three point six probability.”

“Higher than I expected,” Kirk said with a sly smile - he leaned in towards Spock almost conspiratorially. “But I would still bet on it. Do you think they could be using a cloaking device?”

“To conceal an outpost?” Spock clarified. “It is a possibility, however they would need to expend a considerable amount of energy to conceal a sufficient area.”

Kirk grinned. “In that case, wouldn’t it be logical for them to leave some holes, maybe on the sides if they’re mostly trying to hide it from anything above?”

“Perhaps,” Spock acknowledged.

“Focus your scans on the horizon - tell me what you find,” Kirk declared. He straightened his posture and turned to face forward once again. “Mr. Chekov, keep your eye on the skies - if your sensors so much as blink, I want to know about it.”

“Yes, sir,” Chekov exclaimed.

“Something is interfering with the ship’s sensors,” Spock reported.

Kirk smiled back at Spock. “Unless you’ve got another explanation, I think that’s all the proof we need. Mr. Sulu, take us away, warp seven. I don’t want the Romulans to know we were ever here.”

As they blasted out of orbit and away from Gallia III, Kirk glanced at Spock, before settling in his chair.

The remainder of their shift passed uneventfully. It was not long before he heard Kirk stretch and stand. The captain’s familiar footfalls traced the well-worn path from his chair to the science station.

“What do you say to dinner in my quarters, Mr. Spock?” the captain offered, standing just a little closer than would be typical for a Vulcan.

Spock turned to face him.

The captain held out a hand toward Spock, but did not reach quite close enough for him to take it - it was just a gesture that the captain likely knew better than to push. He smiled down at Spock; his eyes seemed to shine with a familiar warmth. The captain’s charisma was not all gone, it seemed, and Spock was sorely tempted by it. This was where he belonged - or it could be.

Spock noted his emotional response, but elected not to express it. He stood, accepted the captain’s offer with a nod, and motioned for him to lead the way, watching him, evaluating him, all the while.

Spock said little as they made their way to Kirk’s quarters and set the table for a small dinner for two. They began eating in silence, both of their eyes more on the other than their respective rations.

Finally, Kirk set down his fork and declared, “Out with it.” A little more gently, he asked, “Spock, what’s bothering you?”

“Nothing is ‘bothering’ me, precisely,” Spock replied. 

“But there’s something on your mind,” Kirk concluded.

“Yes,” Spock said, but admitted no more. Instead, he stared at Kirk, his eyes narrowed as though searching for his answer in the captain’s familiar features.

Kirk’s hazel eyes seemed to shine in the low light - to emulate ship’s evening, Kirk had said, but Spock did not miss his ulterior motive nor could he deny the intimacy it lent the moment; sitting across from each other, within arm’s reach, for a private dinner. The flower Kirk had acquired in his last misguided attempt to woo him sat on a nearby shelf, still in full bloom.

And across from him, Kirk sat patiently, watching Spock with some concern, perhaps, but Kirk made no further move to press him for a real answer. And even after everything, Kirk still made it clear that Spock was more than welcome by his side as a first officer, as a friend, and more if Spock desired it. Spock could not help but wonder how long it would last this time - how long would it be before Kirk pushed him away again - but it seemed that maybe Kirk had learned from his mistake.

And despite everything that had occured, Spock knew that pushing Kirk away was not the answer.

He met Kirk’s warm eyes - a little more guarded perhaps, but welcoming all the same - and, at long last, held out a hand to him, his first two fingers extended in a familiar gesture.

It seemed to take a moment for Kirk to register what Spock intended, and then his face broke into an open smile. He ignored Spock’s hand in favor of fixing him with the full intensity of his gaze. Even before their fingers touched, Spock could almost feel the force of Kirk’s very human emotions that would sweep away all of his controls if he was not careful.

But to his surprise, Kirk made no move to reciprocate the gesture. His hands remained folded in front of him, pointedly restrained.

Spock rescinded the offer. He noted a stab of bitterness that crossed his mind, but which he would not allow to influence his actions.

Kirk’s smile faded, but did not vanish entirely. “Spock,” he said at last, “Are you sure?”

Spock made to protest, but Kirk motioned for silence.

“It has to go both ways,” Kirk attempted to explain. “I need to be able to express my feelings for you too or it won’t work.”

“You are not satisfied with a purely Vulcan relationship?” Spock clarified.

Kirk shook his head. “It doesn’t matter to me whether it’s human or vulcan, as long as it’s ours.” He held up a hand to preempt another interruption. “You don’t have to agree to anything, just consider it. We need to be able to trust each other.”

Spock nodded. “Very well.”

Kirk gave him a warm smile that illogically almost seemed to light up the room all on its own.

#v writes #Star Trek: The Original Series #Spirk #Star Trek: The Motion Picture #We Know That We Need

[oddishfeeling]

i have been living in the most disempowered state for the last few months because of the discomfort that comes with realizing ur old habits no longer suit the present or future u want for urself. its been really difficult to be as painfully honest as ive needed to be in order to inact any lasting change in my life n my habits.

ive even discussed this discrepancy with my friends and coworkers, lazy but ambitious, lazy but actually just secretly afraid of failing, lazy as a habit, lazy as an IDENTIFIER and personality trait— this article was a nice reminder that the language we have with ourselves can give the wrong things power but it can also give the right things power too.

it was also a good reminder of how important we make other people’s opinions of us and how we mistakenly let these opinions define us even tho they hold no real truth or value.

i have felt like ive been screaming in a glass box even tho i built the box n i have the key to the door to get into the box and actually the door isnt locked at all and theres no lock in the door either— the key is a distraction n there to mix me up— all i need to do is turn the handle and walk out

ive felt inhibited in expressing myself for so long that it feels like ive become a bit of a stranger to myself. i lost sight so easily of who i am and what i want n it could easily be that my habits dont align with my authentic self, theres also a high chance depression and anxiety are involved as well and a great deal of discomfort comes from not being able to tell the difference between which issues are what

what i do know is i need to change something if i want to see change and fear of failure of looking dumb n silly of being WRONG.. they are jus tiny bumps in the road to where im going. they are things i can learn to deal with in a healthy way n theyre things we all experience. i cant let concerns and fears as regular as these keep me from at least trying or keep me from knowing its ok for me to fail! how am i supposed to get anything done this way.

anyways ive read a lot of things. articles and books or whatever. ive listening to a lot of things too, audiobooks and podcasts. and ive probably watched more things than both of those two categories. youtube videos, ted talks, movies, tv shows. and ive been inspired in all three ways.

but like motivation, inspiration is not enough

this article inspired me and another one i read yesterday was so inspiring i was still thinking about it late last night

but i still didnt change anything. i didnt do anything differently last night. in fact if im being honest i was even less productive than i usually am n that’s not saying much

the unchecked boxes in my bulletjournal sometimes get together n laugh. they laugh at all my good intentions in all their empty boxedness.

i keep waiting for something to change me 😭 maybe because in the past, any changes were made from an external source. good or bad they happened to me. it’s almost like i dont think i have the true ability to inact any lasting positive change in my life, let alone multiple. maybe this is part of becoming older. realizing ur control and what attempts to take it away.

ive only ever envisioned a life for myself that was of my own making. 🗣i want to create my life🗣

slowly but surely i go

feb 20, 2019

#words #ask polly #feel free to delete my essay if u wanted to reblog #love u chickadees

[whatifididsomethingnew]

Take Your Medication

I’m a college freshman in my second semester. I’ve been struggling with depression and ADHD for who knows how long, but I was diagnosed(i think? idk if it was official) in my freshman year of high school and given medication for it sometime in my senior year.

I didn’t take the medication very often. I started off strong, taking the ADHD medication especially to get me through classes and make sure the dosage lasted me to sixth period, my worst class at the time. But over the summer I stopped because I decided that the positive effects didn’t make up for the side effects: a lack of appetite and dry mouth.

Below the keep reading is my experience with mental illnesses and medication. It’s long. tl;dr If you have access to medication, take it. It helps. And make sure the dosage is right for you

 I’ve never been a bad student. Aside from failing algebra 2 in freshman year (ive never been good at “advanced” math, it was an IB class so even worse, and even better students agreed that the teacher was awful), I’ve gotten at worst 1-2 C’s per year. But since middle school I’ve found myself unable to pay attention, preferring to think about the book I want to read or the game I want to play or even just something else I started learning about. I figured out how to get by with finished homework and average tests. But I took about 6 AP tests in high school and only passed one, because I couldn’t study well enough to retain all the information I learned and forgot over the course, or pay attention to the exam to finish the multiple choice, or have enough foundation in the subject to write an essay that mattered at all.

This point in my life has almost certainly been my worst, depression-wise. I only live about twenty minutes away from my parents’ house, and I go home every weekend so I’m not just alone in my apartment for three days straight, but I’m still isolated during the week. My friends that are still in high school are busy with classes and extracurriculars and meeting with friends they still see everyday and very few of them have their own cars to drive up to visit me, and my friends in college are all busier than ever, all going to school anywhere from 15 minutes to like four hours away. My bad days are worse and happen more often and can span into bad weeks. I tend to write at best 1 page of notes after about 2 1/2 hours of classes a week, and drain my phone battery down to the sixties because I don't pay attention in lectures on subjects I’m not interested in. 

In high school I couldn’t wait for college, because I could choose my classes and the times and had the opportunity to make friends! But I realized I’m bad at making friends; I made one friend in kindergarten, when times were simpler, and all my lasting relationships (aside from my online friends, whom I treasure dearly) can be attributed to that one friendship. (I actually made a flowchart during class when another student was presenting, and I had the energy and motivation because I actually took my meds today!)

All this personal information about my Bad Times™ is to make you understand how much I needed to take my medication. But I don’t have classes everyday, so I didn’t think that taking ADHD meds everyday was worth it, and I (incorrectly) recalled that taking the depression meds didn’t help me enough to validate taking it everyday, instead only when it got really bad, but that plan didn’t work because when my depression is bad I don’t even have enough energy to text back or walk like four steps total to get my laptop, let alone walk to the bathroom and get the pills. 

So I didn’t take it, besides from when I worked my first 8-hour shifts at my first job. And those side-effects were extreme, because my body wasn’t used to these meds that were incredibly high in dosage because that’s what I need. I felt nauseous and dizzy enough to faint and went to the back room like four times an hour for a drink of water and it was still way less than I wanted. And I still didn’t learn my lesson about how the side-effects would get easier to handle if I took them more, but worse if I only took them on worst-case bases. I was thinking more in the moment about how bad I felt then, rather than about how I could feel better in the future if I pushed through.

I had a series of awful days, just last week. I cried several tears with no clear cause, only my own thoughts and boredom and depression, which means a lot in relation to me because I don’t cry. I watched Dear Evan Hansen and The Prom live, both with the original cast, and only cried a total of five tears at most, despite how these musicals and their subject matters are very dear to me. It was a bad week that came out of nowhere, nothing extraordinarily bad happened. I did the same thing as always, if not more. But still, it was a very bad week, because I was experiencing the heavy depression and it didn’t go away after I fell asleep. I don’t have classes on Wednesdays this semester; I have a lab on Mondays, and three lectures in a row on Tuesdays and Thursdays because I learned last semester that having enough leisure time to chill in my apartment for several hours between classes only makes going to the later class way more tedious. I usually get picked up by one of my parents on Thursdays while whichever of them it is drives home from work that day. That week I was lucky to have my Thursday classes cancelled, so I got picked up a day early. 

Being home is good for my health, adding it all up. It makes me a bit insecure about being independent, but fuck that I’m only 18 and I love my parents, I don’t need to be completely independent yet. Being home only improved when @pointlessoressential moved in with me; having someone so similar to me in regards of being content sitting and doing our own thing without the expectation to have something to Do™  all the time. It’s good for me, to have someone around me so I don’t get too isolated, but also not too overwhelmed. I’m usually pretty open with my mom, too, so being with her during the weekend and being able to talk with her or watch some easy TV together is good. I’ve never been very good at opening up to people; my main characterization with friends I’m not as close with is sarcasm and puns and whatever other humor to distract both of us from personal issues. I’ve been trying to get better, with help and reminders from the aforementioned bee and mom, as well as my best friend (who yes my meeting of and bonding with can indirectly be connected to that kindergarten friend, if you were wondering) who is much more skilled at telling me about her feelings than I am. But I’m trying. So I told my mom about how I had been having a bad week, once I got home.

My mom has dealt with depression her whole life, too. Most of her life she thought she also had anxiety, but when I was diagnosed with ADHD, the psychiatrist who had prescribed me the medications I take explained to both of us that ADHD in afab people (I'd say women bc my mom is cis but I'm nonbinary, so afab people) can be misdiagnosed as anxiety bc it’s different from what TV shows it to be, and the reactive anxiety (as opposed to constant, causeless anxiety from an anxiety disorder) is a symptom of ADHD. She’s dealt with the same issues all her life, so I go to her often when I hit the wall.

She told me to take the medication. I said I didn’t like the side-effects. She bought me mouthwash that helps dry mouth and a box of Rice Krispies Treats so I can eat something small but filling when I lose my appetite. She reminded me that the side-effects would improve if I took the medication more often. I am privileged in that I had the opportunity to see a doctor for my issues and be able to afford (even if barely) my medication, and I should take advantage of that instead of taking it for granted.

This is a long post, sharing my personal story about having mental illnesses, and how medication helps. It may not feel like it took effect, but then it’ll wear off and you’ll realize the difference. It’s better to feel stable, to feel “normal” for most of the day, than to get used to feeling awful. I took my medication this morning before class; I’ve taken about five hours to write this whole thing, due to having begun it before one lecture started, then continuing it during another while also listening to my professor review the first five chapters of Return of the King and discuss it with us. And now I’m in my apartment, on my laptop, switching between ending this PSA and checking on due dates and reviewing my calendar and just being 10 times more productive than I ever am.

I don’t know if anyone will need this advice. I don’t know how many will even click the read more. But this is a blog site, and this is something I’m trying to learn and have it remembered. It’s something I needed to put into words, and now it is.

#mental health #medication #depression #adhd #american education #this has been a psa #mental health advice

[newty]

ive been rly overwhelmed all week since being home and idk how to place why other than i had a lot to do and i got like... half of it done bc im at 1/4 productivity being home n trying to do holiday n having rly bad anxiety

bc i havent had it this bad in a while and tmrw we go back to school and the next day i have a lot of things due plus things due soon after (poems, novel, novel synopsis, thesis, which usually give me a lot on anxiety bc i Have To Do Them Right) i have three more weeks of this semester and idk whats gonna happen to my brain when its finished i might explode

i did thesis things all today, which def inflamed me, but i had to do it bc i need to redo my prospectus (again) by finding what exact poems i want to ref

i never wanted to do poems but my thesis director kinda pushed it since im working w all poets anyway--and i see her point and i was gonna use some but not focus on them--so i found some of those and re/read like a bajillion owen letters finding his drafts and made a lot of highlights/annotations and stuff

but that didnt fix my prospectus lol and after doing all that owen i moved on to sass and got reminded that all his stuff isnt formally published and in 40 diff collections worldwide and my brain broke and basically im just gonna need to rely on what diaries my school has and the weird format of cambridge’s archives (i figure that all i can do w owen is his letters anyway so im swapping out letters for diary w sass, which is honestly the stronger choice)

its just rly frustrating i guess to know that its Out There and i cant access it. it was also p fascinating dragging myself through those roy davids collections.

also this blog is v interesting http://www.acenturyback.com

and today i found a new alice, great war n modern memory (love that book), three 77 waughs, and a us 1st ed of brideshead. all have dustcovers (i have the same ver of brideshead already but not the dust cover) but i think carrying them around the flea market made my arms all jello and theyre already all shaky and its a very bad feeling all day and in my knees too

#messy thoughts move along plz #arms and the bri

[sherryfundin]

Lots To Share for Aftermath of Secrets by Cate Beauman Release @CateBeauman

Cate Beauman’s Aftermath Of Secrets Release Celebration!

AFTERMATH OF SECRETS

The Carter Island Trilogy, Book 2

RELEASE DATE:  June 4, 2020

MY REVIEW

Aftermath by Cate Beauman is Book II of the Charter Island series and picks up where book one left off, though it is Molly and Brad’s turn to be in the spotlight. I don’t know why Aftermath fell a little flat, unless it was because I was blown away by Secrets in the Glass and read it immediately after, and it didn’t grab me, like the first one. Could it be because I wasn’t as invested in the characters and their outcome, like I was with Callie and Nate?

One drunken night had ruined Molly and Brad’s lifelong friendship. Molly, Brad, and Molly’s brother, nate, had been like the Three Musketeers. They both missed it, though they didn’t know how to fix it. With romantic suspense a lot comes down to communication. Who would make the first move?

When the characters mentioned watching Friends reruns, I thought, isn’t Friends always on cable somewhere. LOL I watch them all the time. I love little touches like this that make it easy to relate to moments in the characters lives.

Molly is easy going, but she is a tomboy and not shy about saying what she thinks. I love Molly thoughts about fashion…sneakers, jeans and a sweat shirt. And makeup? What’s that? She is the opposite of Callie and I think that’s why they make such great friends. Sounds like someone I could be friends with too. They can fill in the blanks and help navigate some of their troubles, all while building a friendship.

Molly’s sister, Gwen, is the opposite when it comes to fashion. I love when she is dressing her for a New Year’s ball and she looks in the mirror, all glammed up, and says,”Holy crap.” I busted out laughing. Been there, done that.

Brad’s brother, Jordan, appeared, I thought his timing highly suspicious and Brad is leery.

I knew a shitstorm was brewing, it’s just, what kind of shit storm will it be.

I have read a lot of Cate Beauman’s books and love them. I’m not sure what happened with Aftermath. The beginning seemed a little choppy. I was already invested in the characters and wanted the best for Molly and Brad, but, for me, it never reached the level of Secrets in the Glass. I would recommend reading Secrets in the Glass first and feel Aftermath keeps Carter Island on the map.

I voluntarily reviewed a free copy of Aftermath by Cate Beauman.

4 Stars

OF THE CARTER ISLAND NOVELS SERIES

SECRETS HIDDEN IN THE GLASS

The Carter Island Novels, Book 1

MY REVIEW

Secrets Hidden in the Glass is a looooong book and I have a lot to say. Once I started, I only put it down to eat, use the facilities, and sleep. The characters quickly became my friends and I went on one hell of a ride, filled with danger and suspense. It has so many elements I love in a book, my page and a half of notes is going to have to be severely edited.

Callie desperately needed a vacation and felt the magical affects of the island her first day there. She was in desperate need of sleep and it found her as soon as she sat down. She awoke more refreshed than she had felt for months.

She had already met the sheriff and, like the island, she felt an immediate attraction when he poked his head out from under the sink he was fixing in the home she was renting. He felt the attraction too and, seeing he was her landlord and neighbor, felt he would have many opportunities to get to know her better.

Callie is an artist, working in stained glass, and fame has not been kind to her. She prefers spending her time working on her art to hobnobbing with those who want a piece of her. She built a very high wall to protect herself.

Nate slowly dries the mortar that holds the wall,allowing it to fall and the light, along with her emotions were coming out in a slow way, relaxing in the small moments of getting to know someone. She steps outside herself not knowing why, just that it felt right. Their romance is a slow build with many uncertainties and danger.

The island life was what she needed. The people are real, easy going and not overbearing, even though they know she is famous, though she has no idea they know and is surprised by it when she finds out. All this reminds me soooo much of Cape Cod, Martha’s Vineyard and Nantucket.

Callie is relaxed, happy, but knowing Cate Beauman this is foreplay for the danger lurking in the background. I keep waiting and waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. The slow, subtle buildup is spent getting to know everyone, including the dark memories that put a bullseye on Callie. It does get hot and heavy, but not in the ‘I like you, let’s do it” manner.

I am soooo curious how she came to be abandoned at four years old. She has all the issues that go along with it. That explains why she holds people at a distance.

...love and attachment meant fear and pain for Callie.

When Callie’s adopted mom told Nate that as a child she would get up in the night and sleep in front of the door so she would know if they tried to leave her, it broke my heart. It’s the little details that Cate Beauman adds to the story that allows me to SEE what is happening.

“It crossed my mind to knock him out a couple of times, but then I would have needed to arrest myself…” says Nate.

Be prepared for tears, laughter, passion, danger, and hours of nonstop reading, because Secrets Hidden in the Glass by Cate Beauman is the complete package. I am BLOWN AWAY.

I voluntarily reviewed a free copy of Secrets Hidden in the Glass by Cate Beauman.

5 Stars

ENTER THE GIVEAWAY HERE

MY REVIEWS FOR CATE BEAUMAN

The Bodyguards of LA County Series (all the books can stand alone)

Morgan’s Hunter, Book I

Falling For Sarah, Book II

Hailey’s Truth, Book III

Forever Alexa,  Book IV

Waiting For Wren, Book V

Justice For Abby, Book VI

Saving Sophie, Book VII

Reagan’s Redemption, Book VIII

Answers For Julie, Book IX

You can see my Giveaways HERE.

You can see my Reviews HERE.

If you like what you see, why don’t you follow me?

Leave your link in the comments and I will drop by to see what’s shakin’.

I’m an Amazon affiliate/product images are linked.

Thanks for visiting!

#cate beauman #series #the carter island novels #mystery #romance #suspense and thriller fiction #read in 2020 #4 star review #5 star review

[dancekickboxcardio]

Ooh 😮, my butt is itchy 😣. What a surprise. A jolt of wake up today was hugging 🤗 Sparky sitting down to cuddle only to wet your satin boxer pajamas on his puddle of urine. What the hell. Why is he acting up? There are three litters. My Dad always scare me that Sparkicus is going to pee on my stuff on the couch 🛋. My gawd, it is very likely. I need to shower 🚿. I was going to this morning ☀️ had I successfully get myself to the gym 🏃🏼‍♀️ 💪🏾 . I have not washed myself, I rinsed 🧼, since Wednesday. I can smell 👃🏾 my armpits. Ewww, it has this strong rancid bacterial 🦠 🧫 putrid odor. I am starved 😋 and I need some Americano. Shall I drink two cups today which makes four shots ☕️? Sure thang. I made a quick incomplete mental 🤔 math 🔣🔢. I drink caffeine like I am a baby 🍼 👶🏻 at the NICU needing the IV push 💉. I slept 🛏 late. Six hours wasn’t enough. I got up on my alarm feeling tired 😓. I have this idea 💡 that perhaps I can nap 💤 without care by the pool 🏊🏻‍♀️ side. What I am forgetting is that I need proper rest to perform on the floor 💪🏾 🦵🏾morning. I wasn’t sleepy 💤. I didn’t feel recharged 🔌. I spent the first waking periods planning with my phone 📱. That is why I say it is a tool 🧰🔧🔩⚙️. I love 💕 the Internet 🌐 along with it’s new ills. I feel that getting that information ℹ️ in your finger tips is pretty powerful. We can all be James Bond in our own rights. We can be smart patients although not trained doctors 🥼, we can see what another country 🌍 is like, and my fave a thing I got from my parents, I can price 💲💲💲💲💲my purchases 🛍 . Like, I already figure out 💭 ✍🏾 that I am going to knock myself out on shoes 👟. My gawd. I have this thing about restraint, following your impulse, getting what’s the best price tag 🏷, getting what you want and for the heck of it. There you go psychoanalysis of me revealed. For the most part it’s all business plushy needs. Ugh 😑, Sparta 🛡⚔️. I’m not going to show you my retail basket 🛒. But I am going to present the dailies that I picked out. I want to ask my eye 👁 doctor 🥼 if I can try them all out even if I am more leaning towards the least costlier brand. Well, I also have to pay attention at many things like breathability, comfort, durability, clarity, etc.

I had a good day yesterday. It was a great time to refresh my spirits 😍. Esp if your body physically and mentally 😩😰 is stress worn by the kind of life you live, that breather, I am guilt as charge I am more how much can we cramp to get there, you help yourself to being more effective, productive and happy 😃. If you are not fan of the word balance because it is used so much, scientifically if you look 👀 at homeostasis 📈📉 or the capacity of systems 📊, you find that piece of fact without a doubt will cause a problem if not followed. Yeah, I love 💕 the empirical inquiry. I am of the belief that developing body of knowledge 📜 no matter in what area is progress and foundation for further advancement of the human capacities 🤩. I had my photoart vision 📸 yesterday. I took pictures in the kitchen of moments. I ate 😋 although I didn’t have my entire breakfast 🥞. I helped myself to a large helping via estimation dinner 🍽 . It only occurred to me that I prep a large plate when my stomach said and my brain 🧠 agrees, I cannot eat anymore. I stored them and I am like, “Heck, I ate half of it and this is a lunch 🥙. I really need to measure 📏 like Laura insists. Sometimes when you are in a hurry you just have to make a visual approximation. I need to give myself measuring tools like the scale I want. Those are properly calibrated. In that regard, I know for sure that I am eating 6 ounces of protein 🍖 🐟 🍗. Laura was also in communication 📞 with me yesterday. She wanted to redo my metabolic assessment. I am so happy 😀 it all worked out for her. I gave her the agreement to doing one of my tests. This retest is an opportunity to test her skills and to finally hear 👂🏾 a second opinion for the exorbitant earlier numbers. The gym is a stressful place. I am a consummate college student 👩🏼‍🎓 what is stress? Adulting, I have resigned to the fact that I have my limitations and live off my parents hard earned money 💵. Physically, I have cut back on the amount of work I spent on the exercise equipments. However, Stacy, another trainer gave me that what I call golden nugget, the answer 🧐, the explanation I needed, the game changer. My weight has no changed and that’s ok as long as my shape improves and other fitness parameters too. She said your bod gets used to your routine 〰️. As Laura had said, therefore, “You have to shock it.” Aha moment 💭. I don’t need to stay longer in the treadmill. I just need to amp up my intensity levels 〽️. You mean I have to be out of my leisure comfort zone 😒. Yeah, I am working on my upper thighs. I send this to her yesterday. She’s off today.

I think 🤔 of them sometimes when something comes up in my everyday experiences that are reminders. For example, I tend to nerd 🤓 it out and they know it. This is for me.

It’s a cat 🐈 too. I love 💕 my kitties. Then, I came across this photo yesterday. I was like, “No wonder Lane and Will’s moustache stood out to me even if I thought it was more like Theodore Roosevelt monopoly.” Dali is pretty quirky.

I saved a hair color that Katie might like. I was going to show it to her. Let me see if I can find it.

Gym life is my kinda life. I did a lot yesterday. My snags where not packing 🧳 for trip ✈️ and studying 📖 . I wanted to see Outlander yesterday for heart ❤️. It’ll be the first thing 📌 today. I need to write my other grocery needs 📝. Is there anything else that I am forgetting? Ah, read 👓 a book. The Allende has been on my daybed footside for two days. Yays 🎊 😀, I painted nails 💅🏾.

[thenaivereview]

Katherine Collins One Afternoon

About a year after U.S. politics ate my interest in comic books, I found myself sitting outside Vancouver Comic Arts Festival, studying a Ben Sears print. It had been the longest, shittiest winter in a hundred years and now I was in the sun, staring at a picture like a child.

I had decamped that morning from Seattle to Vancouver, which is both foreign to me and closer to my original home in Alaska. Trump had decamped to Saudi Arabia. Between the two, my constant IV drip of political news had dried up. My phone didn’t work that well in Canada, so I couldn’t even text anyone for a secondhand hit. The Asian stock markets wouldn’t re-open for another 24 hours. No information was coming in except the colorful details of the Ben Sears print in my hands.

Being in an unfamiliar place in new sandals gave me a feeling from childhood that I’d forgotten. There’s liking yourself, and there’s being all right with the world. As adults we try to do both those things and be reasonably happy. But sometimes when you’re a little kid you have this sensation of liking yourself in the world. Liking the places where you and the world touch.

So that’s where I was, with the sun warming my back and bright artwork in my eyes, when my boyfriend tapped my shoulder and said, “We have to go to this panel—not enough people are showing up!”

I hurried inside with him, out of the sunlight and into a small, dark auditorium. In a pool of light, a woman my mother’s age and a man about my age sat at a table. The woman was Katherine Collins, and the man was Brandon Graham. He was interviewing her about her life and career, and her return to actively working as a cartoonist. A collection of her Neil the Horse stories was being republished in a thick volume after a long hiatus. She held her Neil the Horse book parallel to the table and let it drop with a thud. “That’s my favorite thing about this book,” she said. She had a deep, wry voice and as soon as she spoke, I wondered if she had worked in radio.

The conversation started with her youth and her cartooning inspirations. I didn’t get the cartooning references, but I liked that she set workmanlike goals for herself when she was 9 years old. I liked that she was competitive and bluffed her way into a radio gig even though she didn’t have experience at the time. Among many other things, Katherine adapted old comic strips to radio skits. She said, “All the other people in the skits were much better than me, but I didn’t care. Because I wrote them.”

I didn’t know what Katherine and Brandon were talking about half the time, about cartooning and the CBC, and the scene in Vancouver and Toronto. It was like listening to BBC World Service when you can’t sleep, and letting the enjoyably unfamiliar flow past you. They talk about cricket and you stare at the ceiling knowing nothing about cricket, clenching and unclenching your toes.

When I was a kid, I tried to hear BBC English as a foreign language, reduced to the aesthetics of sounds bumping up against each other, and the texture of voices. We only got one FM station up and down the radio dial—it was static soft and hard everywhere else. That was the local community radio station, relayed by receivers on mountain tops to tiny logging camps and roadless fishing villages. There was also one station on the AM dial—a rightwing commercial Christian radio station.

At night I’d troll slowly through the static on both dials, listening for changes, trying to sift voices out of the noise. Once in a while, if conditions were just right, the CBC came in from somewhere. It was as if aliens made contact, me cross-legged on my bed in the dark, absorbing wisdom from another culture. But the next night, and the nights after that—no more CBC. Just fuzz.

Katherine said, “I’ve always had a great capacity for ignoring things I’m not interested in. It’s called being a snob.” This is the sort of bitchily quotable thing my Grandma Ann was always saying. She had a presence and a deep voice like Katherine. She even had a similar handsome look, with a strong nose and pleasing facial planes.

Ann was big-chested and rangy at the same time. From my bedroom perch, I watched her loping up and down the cannery dock throughout the 1980s. She was a jack of no trades. She did all right as a housewife but wasn’t into it. She was a little disorganized. She helped with her husband’s business and she raised three kids as well as her personality would allow. She liked her grandkids, but not excessively. She scribbled in notebooks. She liked novels, the newspaper, baseball on television when she could get it. She liked playing cards. She was sardonic and opinionated and mellow and mirthful. She walked her dog, admired her cat, and knew the names of wildflowers. She was probably depressed. She was hard on herself in a way that cut other people down too. Ann’s potential was unfulfilled, like everyone else’s I knew, but she had an air of just being and that seemed like more than enough at the time. Nobody at her memorial suggested that she’d been kind, and I was glad they didn't lie just because she was dead.

Katherine isn’t like Ann at all. Besides being a generation younger, she had and has direction, and passion, and ambition. She made Neil the Horse, and she interviewed comic book and cartooning greats on national radio. She wrote songs for a musical version of Neil the Horse that she produced. She was and is the voice of Neil the Horse. And then she'd been sidelined from that by life, circumstances, the publishing world, animation studios. In the early 1990s, when she was in her early 40s, she said she could no longer get published. Katherine said, “It’s kind of sad and ironic and irritating that I was stopped doing my work back when I had momentum."

I’m going on 40 and I feel like I haven’t worked up that initial head of steam yet. I’m low energy and inefficient, I lack confidence and am an all-around foot-shooter. If I were in Alaska, it would matter less. If I were fifty years ago, I would have had a family along the way. I could have been like my grandmother but I was trying to be like Katherine, and falling through the gap between them.

Katherine is trying to get that productive part of her life back, but has less energy and more health problems now. She’d just been granted a big award in Toronto. She said, “Now I have to come alive again and do the work I’d hoped to do.” She said she might only have about fifteen minutes before she keeled over. She was joking, sort of, but she’d been sick and the people in her family tend to get Alzheimer’s and check out by 80.

A man in the audience asked her what she’d done since the 1990s. Even if she didn’t get published, was she still working—did she have a backlog of work to bring to light? She had an answer about a half-finished graphic novel but I understood that she had just been living life and sometimes that’s the thing that takes you away from your work. Meanwhile, you watch people fall off the edge of the world and disappear, and you feel yourself getting older and closer to the edge.

When Katherine said, “The next thing is to see if I can actually do it,” it bolsters me. I need to see other people lack confidence so I know to muddle on despite my own lack of confidence.

She’s going to do more Neil the Horse, but she talked about the contrast between a singing, dancing horse and the state of the world. “The human race is exhibiting the worst characteristics all over the place,” she said. She wants a different point of view than before. “I don’t want it to be somber, but I want it to be a little more aware of what’s happening in the world.”

I don’t want to be somber either, but every day I’m shellacked. All day I feel the fact that we’re living through a national emergency. I listen to political podcasts, show up to marches, attend meetings, and shell out more than I can afford for human rights and life on earth. At night I religiously blog the headlines and the press briefings in a hit and miss, scrapbooky way. I keep this blog under the radar because I work with Republicans in a conservative industry. Still, every few nights a maudlin personal essay finds its way in. I’m flying off the handle and white American men will feel the heat of my scorn.

What I haven’t done is anything else. No Wednesday trips to my local comic book shop. No reading floppies on the bus ride home. No reading comics on a bench by the lake and scribbling notes. No reviewing, no blogging, no musings about comics.

Katherine reminded me of something I did know before—anything you want to say about the world you can say in a cartoon, even one featuring a singing, dancing horse. And more than that, writing about comics was never just an escape for me. Anything I wanted to say about the world, I could say it in essays about comics. Not in a direct, social justicey way. But just about these lives we lead and the things that hit our eyes on the way down.

(P.S. I learned later that night that Katherine Collins is a transwoman who previously published under the name Arn Saba. Although this information did round out my understanding of her childhood and the first part of her career, this essay is just about my experience of watching her and listening to her that afternoon when I didn't know.)