#and therapy really doesnt help much

[shevr]

i need to actually remember that the stuff like 'special interest' or 'infodumping' and all that doesn't necessarily imply being highly competent at it bc i always feel like i could never claim any of that 'cause i could neveer be sufficiently good with anything

#this is an HYPOTHETICAL thought bc anyway i still have to relearn to get properly invested in things #(first therapy appointment tomorrow hhweeehghg will that help) #but like idk as much as i dont think i really get intense special interests much so that specifically doesnt apply to me so much; #i also sometimes felt like i could also never claim to infodump on anything bc somehow it felt like #to 'qualify' for it you need to actually have a bunch of smart and advanced & academical knowledge to dump out #when i mean i guess. maybe not #i lost where i was going with this im gonna go make coffe e #shevr

[t-girl-samus]

.

#theres so much I want to say to you #so much i want to apologize for #but i know it doesnt mean anything anymore #actions speak louder than words ever can and my actions have been nothing but shitty #i'm trying to get better #therapy has helped a lot #and i feel a lot more stable #but i have a lot i still need to work on #i really hope you are doing well #i love you

[arowrath]

what to talk about in therapy today ... 🤔

#text #neg #i know i should talk about The Trauma but like #i dont know . its just #euck . i dont want anyone to know What Happened except for people who Absolutely Have To #which is like. title 9 guy + the investigator.and thats it #but i also like . dont want to talk about how i Feel bc its the same shit over and over what if talking abt it doesnt help #and i know how itll go ill talk abt it and we'll talk abt coping mechanisms and then the conversation is over and i think this therapy isnt #right for me. which sucks. and i dont want to deal with that right now or ever #And like can i even get better without talking about it. can i even get better at all #like how do i when i have so much older shit to work thru too. its all tied together i cant just heal one part of it i dont think really #and its also like. nothing has really Happened with The Situation this week its just been me getting really scared and really sad #over and over. so i dont have an update or anything for him i just have. yknow. I Feel Sad And Scared And It Wont Stop #and we can talk about coping mechanisms but it wont help bc ill use them in the moment but that just gets me thru the moment #it doesnt get me thru Everything. it doesnt fix the problem #and its also like What does.what does fix the problem #or do i just live like this forever

[ghostlysoupcan]

i dont get how some people especially neurodivergent people can look at people with personality disorders and be utterly ableist and sanist against them when 9/10 you have more in common with a pwASPD or NPD than you do a neurotypical just based on the fact that mental illness is literally buy one get twelve free in some cases

#like i have adhd. im autistic. aro. schizophrenic/psychotic in some way do you REALLY think id be on the side of a so called empath #the second i even breathe about not feeling a 'human' emotion theyd have me put away thinking apathy would turn me into a serial killer #i have way more in common with cluster B disorders than i ever will with the empaths that claim to be ~*mental health activists*~ #at least they claim to be mental health activists until its too messy or complicated and then out comes the slurs and bigotry #like id much rather hang out with a person who doesnt think thought crimes are real and that thinking abt the odd homicidal thought #makes you a twisted fucking cycle path or whatever #maybe its the aro in me and the similar experiences of seeing how bad we are dehumanized for some of us not feeling love #but it rankles like nothing else and if you do this please. reconsider and ask yourself why #if you create a stigma around the 'scary' disorders then how the hell is anyone meant to get help. feeling safe enough to get help. #cause these disorders are caused by abuse and if you really wanted people with a pd to get help you probably shouldnt make it harder. #and if we're going by therapy rules you cant armchair diagnose someone else anyways #sometimes an asshole is Just an asshole #long ass rant but seriously the amt of shit i see makes me so upset because like if someone does that to someone with scary disorders #how long is it gonna be till they start going after autism or adhd for similar traits. its already happened in some empath circles. #just ask yourself that because there is a lot more mental health overlap than you think #it already happens in most empath spaces #You cannot and i mean cannot decide if someone has bad intentions for you based on vibes. #you have to learn to trust people and if they break that trust they arent automatically a narc #just an asshole #and people hardly go around calling people a hyperactive abuser ghoul for them having adhd or being suspected of it

[magnoliamyrrh]

meeting w the second intake coordinator for the ptsd clinic tomorrow before they assign me to a therapist, the app is like one hour long and im rly not looking forward to rehashing all my damned trauma again to a new person

#at least. i really hope its the intake coordinator and not the actual therapist #from what i understand she isnt but the dude i spoke w on the phone wasnt sure bc he doesnt work in that clinic just in general #. bc if she is it aint gonna work out #i already dont rly know if therapy is gonna do much for me at all im moreso just giving it a try again for....frankly idk what reason #but. shes a white lady from kansas #and i aint saying that makes her a bad person or nothing its just like. there is a 0.5% chance she will understand me well enough to #actually help. there is a 0.5% chance she will understand a series of things and we will vibe #i had a white american therpaist for like half a year and she was nice and all but it got absolutely nowhere and we were on two #completely different vibes. and if its this lady than uh yea. nah aint gonna work out #so. i very much hope shes just the intake coordinator

[loveandlucky]

X

#ok rant moment #so for years now i have struggled with excessive and disturbing nightmares and i wake up often during the night #a month ago i finally decided enough was enough and i went to my doctor about it #i was scared hed tell me i was just wating the wrong thing or having too much caffeine #that i wouldnt be believed #but he was instantly so kind and cared about the issue and didnt blame it on me #he said with what i was describing and how it happens every night no matter what #as well as me confirming i had multiple accounts of trauma and chronic depression and anxiety that i go to dbt therapy for #that these were ptsd induced nightmares and my fight or flight system is not turning off even when i sleep #which causes vivid dreams and feelings of high anxiety causing nightmares and spiking my blood pressure enough to wake me often #i felt...so validated #he gave me a medicine that helps with them which i didnt even know existed #anyway i was telling my mom and aunt about it this weekend #just about my sleep problems and how i got meds #and they were just saying how they thought i just vape too much or drink too much caffeine #i was upset by this but i let it go. #they just wont understand and any time i bring up anything about my trauma to my mom she doesnt wanna hear it or believe it #which is really shitty but i guess ive accepted it #anyway ive been doing 1mg per night for 3 days and its helped a little but im excited to move on to 2mg tonight bc thats what the dosage #schedule is #ive been quiet about this problem that i thought was normal for so long and i cant say how good it feels to at least be validated and #helped by my doctor #thanks for listening wheee #♡♡♡

[onelessdreamer]

The best part about knowing some psychology stuff, is I know some of the reasons I am like this. However, the worst part is knowing why I'm like this and still feeling like I can't change it.

#personal #yh i know alot of my issues come from deep rooted trauma #yh i know therapy is pretty much the only way to overcome these issues #but that doesnt help me when my brain decides today is a day of suffering #and im stuck trying to keep myself calm and rational #that dream last night really fucked me up today #its been so hard #im trying really hard not to breakdown

[salsa-di-pomodoro]

GOD DAMN IT i know i must sound like a broken record by now but. I was feeling GOOD today. I felt happy and confident enough to check the submas tags for once. And all was good until i saw ONE SINGULAR ANGST POST, and now I'M DEPRESSED AGAIN. I HATE THIS SO MUCH

[btw none of u are obligated to cheer me up lol i just want to complain into the void. I'll remove the submas tag in like an hour i just want to feel seen (even though i know i already am) for a moment]

#if i were to let myself cry rn i would i am actively holding back tears AGAIN #im so pissed rn #NOT angry at angst creators and if i was it would be an irrational anger and i understand that. #i love angst. but its like im getting poisoned from having too much of it #me approaching my time of the month probably doesnt help with thay but. i was doing well #im so pissed #personal #nowdays anykindof ending tht isnt a perfect ending where ingo goes home and is fine and gets to move on with emmet upsets me to some degree #angst posts send me into a spiral. i should fix that before anything but i'm already going to therapy what else should i do. #no really if anyone has any advice i would love it. #i wish i was stable enough to handle this but i havent been since covid started. #then again back then i didn't interact too much with fandoms #sigh. im gonna play some sonic mania when im done with homework to get that good nostalgia dopamine #cringeposting also helps lol it makes me want to equal parts laugh and disappear into the ground #submas tag removed

[teddybeirin]

I cannot sleep at all ;w;

#it has not fully settled in but i think it will just take a long long time #i keep expecting something bad even though i am so comfortable here #it isnt even a present time feeling i dont think #i am afraid even though there is now distance.. the little one does not feel the distance maybe #does not realize. it has not fully sank in because not every part is aware of #the present. and then on top of that this is just so much #after everything i am okay only because other people made it so. and somehow it feels as if it could reach back #and touch the past. i am okay because other people made it so. a loop has finally been closed #that i didnt even realize was left open. i cant say i dont understand why i was so avoidant of asking #for help or needing help because 'if i need what i cant have im doomed either way why bother it hurts' was understandable #coming from that kind of nightmareish perfect storm. it feels like a nightmare now #that i have just woken up from. it doesnt feel real even though i am trying to hold onto at least #that i still need to go to therapy even if 'well *I* am not [part] so that never happened to me go away' is taking hold again #with more denial being even easier because now nothing bad is happening currently to me #what a trip. there was always fear and now its absence causes it somehow #there was always fear. and i was so obsessed with death because it was a comfort to at least get to know what i felt so close to me always #and now its breath is off my neck and only because people have been kind. it was not for any of my struggling on my own #all of that aside from what kept me alive was really fruitless. i have always needed others. it feels really strange #to say that now looking back at how i managed despite having no-one but it was not like the need was not there #it was even worse for being so totally unfulfilled. this is all so strange #some part of me feels afraid that the only way something this good could happen is if we are about to die #but i think that is a little silly. and it is so lovely to be able to say to the younger selves that it has gotten better #and they can be here with me where it is better. and nobody will hurt us anymore and it is safe and they are loved and every single wish #has been granted. it sounds so corny to say it that way but it really feels like it is so miraculous as to be impossible - if not for #experiencing it id have never believed this possible. that we can be safe at least from those harms #that time was all nothing.. it was nothing. 22 years full of barely anything worth living up til a few months that changed every single #thing. every single thing. how did i even live? it feels like breathing air for the first time #i have gone my whole life without feeling this and now i think i dont know how i ever made it through #but oh my god i am so glad i did #i am so glad i did.

[femme-malewife]

Writing my own experiences is honestly such a trip...

#like even though they're my OWN experiences it doesnt feel REAL #like wow how fake #its so weird bc im simply basing it off of what happened to me and how i deal with it #but then i worry that people find it unrealistic #or they'll see even just the fic and tags without reading it and ridicule it for being written #im really thinking abt trying therapy again tbh. but finding time between work and the fact i cannot drive... #idk. i really truly dont.... #im falling apart. the days are going by and im having less and less of a will to continue. im trying to find healthy #outlets for coping but then anxiety shoots through the roof #it doesnt help that the first two times i was in therapy it made everything worse #the first was 100% against my will bc of a simple misunderstanding blown way out of proportion at my college #and the 2nd was me p much being forced into it after i tried killing myself and ended up in the hospital lol #i tried overdosing. it hurts the stomach more than anything tbh. #the therapist just kept staring at me. like never taking her eyes off of me and kept asking how i felt #i felt more like a fucking test subject tbh. she also didnt sound Human. her tone was like i was just another patient #nothing more than routine. and she didnt Listen to what i said. then i was charged way too much despite being told it would be free #so i dropped out lol #anyway i got way off topic. um what was this abt #oh yeah my fear of fic venting bc im terrified of being ridiculed . yeah yeah yeah.

[dwelicate]

vent in tags bbg

#okay so i have some irls on here but idk how often theyre on fucking tumblr but if you see this i love you very much and im not gonna kms #okay so literallly i got broken up w last night and im honestly really fucking relieved bc i loved him a lot but we were both so fucking #unstable as individuals that i knew it was never gonna last #but he broke up w me bc he fell out of love w me which bothers me #bc he needs help and hes starting to get it i just hope he doesnt fucking hurt another person #i really thought we were gonna fucking last forever bro #he talked abt fucking marriage #i am a minor #which says everything you need to know abt wanting to marry someone on the night you confess #im just #i just #i dont fucking know anymore #im so sad all the fucking time #like i thought it was hormonal and shit but its not fucking going away #and i told my parents and ive been on a waitlist for therapy but i need it now #i genuinely need help #im not suicidal at all tho i dont want to die i just need a break #when i finish fucking typing this i have to go do my hw. i want to die. #im kidding i just said i didnt #we're still friends though but we built so much together #i miss him a lot #but i couldnt get back together w him #he was really shitty to me tbh #but he was my first so many thing that its like #idk how to rebuild that trust w anyone to let them see me like that again just for them to fucking leave #and im still so young #im so young and emotional #i have so much time #to love others #idk

[blueslight]

👎

#I domt think I made it clear enough to my now ex girlfriend that I broke up with her because she is absolutely unbearably clingy #and now.i feel guilty that she didnt get it cuz like until she realizes that all her relationships are gonna fail cuz any normal guy would #lose his fucking mind at her and anyone who WOULDNT would probably use her depedence to abuse her and like. I know that and i feel.bad for #evidently not making it clear enough to her #cause like also even now shes still being clingy with me ....and i find myself unable to set proper boundaries cause I dont wanna be mean #and them im morally unhappy with myself. but like then again i DO set boundaries she just doesnt respect them . and then I lose my #composure and get mean and thats even worse cuz i dont wanna be mean to someome as fragile as her but like. Shes suffocated me so much im #in the mindset of a cornered injured animal . and they bite #and it frustrates me that i cant react organically to her cause i always have to keep quiet and not protest even when she really crosses #my boundarjes cuz i dont wanna upset her #and she even said herself that even now im the omly.person she wants to talk to and i told her several.times to go talk to our other #friends cuz how am i supposed to comfort her about her breakup WHEN I DID THE FUCKING BREAKING UP.. #plus I dont want that like i dont want the sole responsiblity for her social interactioms and emotional support just because shes #got unhealthy attachment behavior and refuses to get therapy .. #and like now its like well i domt wanna be mean or hurt her even more but also I dont wanna comfort my ex ABOUT *OUR* FUCKIMG BREAKUP that #is 1. fucked up EVEN THO we are still friends like id.comfort her about other stuff but how does she not realize that this wont. help #and 2. it gives me fuckin war flashbacks to my last relationship which just activates my injured animal instinct even further #and Idk why i cant set boundaries w her cuz i can do it well with other people but she just paralyzes me somehow w this stuff EVEN THO WE #GET ALONG WELL WHEN WERE LIKE NORMALLY PLATONICALLY INTERACRING #idk man i just need a fucking breather like i understand breakups hurt and i was anticipating giving her space until we can properly be #friends again (which we agreed on wanting) but like #Its not gonna get any better for her if shes constantly interacting w me #and on god her attachmenr to me isnt entirely healthy AND I DOMR WANNA SUPPORT HER UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS but i also dont wanna be constantly #like acting on a meta level thinking whats besr for HER instead of just acting on instinct ...

[haeroniel-doliet]

God that mood where you both need to do stuff and want to do stuff but both needs are vague and have too many options so you just. Do nothing you want or need to do and realize all the time you had is disappearing. A good time!!!

#haeroniel talks #forget the tag oh well #but for real. had 4 days off work and a ton of real life stuff i both have to get done and have been meaning to get done for a long time #ive pretty much only played video games and called my friends. genuinely not time wasted and i love when i get to do that #and like rn i would love to play more games and spend time with my friends like if one offers you know i never say no #but its also already getting dark and i have to go back to work tomorrow and ive not done everything i promised to have done yknow? #time doesnt feel real and i dont wanna get up even if the anxiety slowly builds to hopefully productive panic #but in the mean time im like ugghh i wanna stop laying around just playing sudoku and watching lame youtube. i wanna play something #(unclear what it is i actually wanna play too many options i kinda wanna play all of them and none huehheh) #im also very sad i havent drawn in ages and any attempt just feels shit. like maybe if i read enough fanfic thatll respark the love. #id love to post something before christmas to get me excited to draw again over the break but who the hell knows if i'll manage #and yeah still have the annoying job related/driving school related/therapy applying/other life admin that really really should be done #im just being grouchy and stuck and need to vent hi tumblr love you all kiss kiss i wish i could function better #i think maybe perhaps. ill concede that driving school and therapy arent priority (important but ive wasted ages on them already) #i think i can do work related things bc theyre sort of fun. i can use my parents help to whack through the life admin and then #maybe i can let myself spend the rest of the evening guilt free either calling my friends and/or playing or if im going totally w drawin

[whsprings]

.

#cw// ed #cw// sh #really have been having a lot more sh urges than normal #i think it is a combination of getting rid of my stuff+still feeling 13 different emotions abt my sisters betray #betrayal seems like a strong word but that is how i feel #im not so much angry anymore as i al hurt #i want to pretend like im okay with this now but i am not #also it doesnt help that she gave me covid and kept my friend from visiting #i just. want to hurt her like she hurt me but that is a loor choice #i have therapy tomorow ans i really hope she doesn't ask abt my meal plan bc she will kill me when i tell her ive met it like once this week #ive gotten it in my head that ive gained too much weight even though i know i probably havent considering my weight has been down #but i havent been weighed in weeks nkw #so what if what if what if #stupid

[idle-bug]

I haven't texted anyone back in 16 days and I know eventually I'm going to have to go back and read all the shit they sent me and go back to normal but talking to people and pretending to care about their boyfriends or their shitty bosses or whatever is honestly so exhausting and I wish I could throw my phone into the ocean and never get a new one.

#🐊 #it also doesnt help that one of my “friends” loves to complain about her everyday grievances with really intense therapy speak #which just makes me want to talk to her least of all because ive been working through so much trauma lately and feel like im drowning #and then i talk to her and she describes another girl drunkenly flirting with her boyfriend at a party as tramatic #like girl im about to block you jfc #she also straight up told me to my face that she thinks people with bpd are evil so #988blr #actually bpd #bpd #actually borderline #borderline personality disorder

[coridallasmultipass]

.

#back to being depressed rn mN i feel like my health was bad back im 2019 but like #i still had hope about me #i feel like ive lost all of it and im so tired of everything #i cant even read that fic im just so depressed and tired and i dont want to keep being so hopeless and miserable #im not living rn im just existing and even that is too much when i know im not gonna get anywhwre in life #my chronic illnesses and pain have been kicking my ass the past 5 years and i miss feeling human and alive evem if it hurt #now im justl like a ghost or something performing humanity very poorly #i got like no friends and can barely take care of myself #my life has only ever gotten worse by the year since age 11 #like i saw a post earlier about how 'it gets better after ur done with teens and college age' but ive only declined my whole life #i feel like ive never even lived #im just tired #vent #delete later / / #am i even real like lol i feel like i dont exist honestly its just a dream or something #i shouldnt have attempted my therapy homework i know im bottling things and its spilling over but #it doesnt help to talk about the thing that happened it just makes it worse #fuck ok i need to try and just sleep before i really breakdown #depression #sorry idk what to tag i need to go