#anyhow this post will probably get deleted as most of our posts do
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An AMENDED Rundown on the Absolute Chaos That is First Quarto Hamlet
O, gather round me, my dear Shakespeare friends
And let me tell to ye a tale of woe.
It was a dark and drizzly winter night,
When I discovered my life was a lie...
This tale is a tragedy, one of Shakespeare sources turned into gardening websites, "misdated" quartos, and failed internet archives. It is also a story of the quarto itself, an early printing of our beloved Danish Prince's play, including an implied Hamlet/Horatio coffee date, weird and extremely short soliloquies, and Gertrude with a hint of motivation and autonomy.
But let us start from the beginning. Long ago, in the year of our lord 2022, I pulled a Christmas Eve all-nighter to bring you this post: https://www.tumblr.com/withasideofshakespeare/704686395278622720/a-rundown-on-the-absolute-chaos-that-is-first?source=share
It was popularish in Shakespeare circles, which is why I am amending it now! I returned to it tonight, only to discover a few problems with my dates and, more importantly, a mystery in which one of my sources miraculously turned into a link to a gardening website...
Anyhow, let us begin with the quarto!
TL;DR: Multiple versions of Hamlet were printed between 1603 and 1637 (yes, post-folio) with major character and plot differences between them. The first quarto (aka Q1) is best known for its particular brand of chaos with brief soliloquies, an extra-sad Hamlet, some mother-son bonding, weird early modern spelling, and deleted/adapted scenes with major influences on the plot of the play!
A long rundown is included below the cut, including new and improved sources, lore, direct quotes, and my own interpretations. Skip what bores you!
And continue... if thou darest!
What is the First Quarto? Actually, what is a quarto?
Excellent questions, brave Hamlet fan!
A quarto is a pamphlet created by printing something onto a large sheet of paper and then folding it to get a smaller pamphlet with more pages per big sheet (1).
First Quarto Hamlet was published in 1603 and then promptly lost for an entire two centuries until it was rediscovered in 1823 in the library of Sir Henry Bunbury. Rather than printed from a manuscript of Shakespeare, Q1 seems like it may be a memorial reconstruction of the play by the actor who played Marcellus (imagine being in a movie, memorizing the script to the best of your ability, writing it down, and then selling "your" script off to the print shop), but scholars are still out on this (2).
Are you saying that Hamlet comes with the stageplay equivalent of a “deleted scenes and extra credits” movie disc?
Yep, pretty much! In fact, there are even more of these! Q2 was printed in 1604 and it seems to have made use of Shakespeare's own drafts, and rather than being pirated like Q1, it was probably printed more or less with permission. Three more subsequent quartos were published between 1611 and 1637, but they share much in common with Q2.
The First Folio (F1) was published in 1623 and its copy of Hamlet was either based on another (possibly cleaner but likely farther removed from Shakespeare's own text) playhouse manuscript (2, 3). It was an early "collected works" of sorts--although missing a few plays that we now consider canon--and is the main source used today for many of the plays!
The versions of the play that we read usually include elements from both Q2 and F1.
So... Q1? How is it any different from the version we all know (and love, of course)? What do the differences mean for the plot?
We’ll start with minor differences and build up to the big ones.
Names and spellings
Most of the versions of Shakespeare's plays that we read today have updated spellings in modern English, but a true facsimile (a near-exact reprint of a text) maintains the early modern English spellings found in the original text.
For example, here is the second line of the play transcribed from F1:
Francisco: Nay answer me: stand and vnfold your selfe.
For the most part, however, the names of the characters in these later versions (ex: F1) are spelled more or less how we would spell them today. This is not so in Q1.
Laertes is “Leartes”, Ophelia is “Ofelia”, Gertrude is “Gertred” (or sometimes “Gerterd”), Rosencrantz is “Rossencraft”, Guildenstern is “Gilderstone”, and my favorite, Polonius gets a completely different name: Corambis.
(This goes on for minor characters, too. Sentinel Barnardo is “Bernardo”, Prince Fortinbras of Norway is “Fortenbrasse”, Voltemand and Cornelius--the Danish ambassadors to Norway--are “Voltemar” and “Cornelia” (genderbent Cornelius?), Osric doesn’t even get a name- he is called “the Bragart Gentleman”, the Gravediggers are called clowns, and Reynaldo (Polonius’s spy) gets a whole different name--“Montano”.)
2. Stage directions
Some of Q1's stage directions are more detailed and some are simply non-existent. For instance, when Ophelia enters singing, the direction is:
Enter Ofelia playing on a Lute, and her haire downe singing.
But when Horatio is called to assist Hamlet in spying on Claudius during the play, he has no direction to enter, instead opting to just appear magically on stage. Hamlet also doesn't even say his name, so apparently his Hamlet sense was tingling?
3. Act 3 scene reordering
Claudius and Polonius go through with the plan to have Ophelia break up with Hamlet immediately after they make it (typically, the plan is made in early II.ii and gone through with in III.i, with the players showing up and reciting Hecuba between the two events). In this version, the player scene (and Hamlet’s conversation with Polonius) happen after ‘to be or not to be’ and ‘get thee to a nunnery.’ I’m not sure if this makes more or less sense. Either way, it has a relatively minimal impact on the story.
4. Shortened lines and straightforwardness
Many lines, especially after Act 1, are significantly shortened, including some of the play's most famous speeches.
Laertes’ usually long-winded I.iii lecture on love to Ophelia is shortened to just ten lines (as opposed to the typical 40+). Polonius (er... Corambis) is still annoying and incapable of brevity, but less so than usual. His lecture on love is also cut significantly!
Hamlet’s usual assailing of Danish drinking customs (I.iv) is cut off by the ghost’s arrival. He’s still the most talkative character, but his lines are almost entirely different in some monologues, including ‘to be or not to be’! In other spots, however, (ex: get thee to a nunnery!) the lines are near-identical. There doesn’t seem to be much rhyme or reason to where things diverge linguistically, except that when Marcellus speaks, his lines are always correct. Hm...
5. The BIG differences: Gertrude’s promise to aid Hamlet in taking revenge
Act 3, scene 4 goes about the same as usual with one major difference: Hamlet finishes off not with his usual declaration that he’s to be sent for England but with an absolutely heart-wrenching callback to act 1, in which he echoes the ghost’s lines and pleads his mother to aid him in revenge. And she agrees. Here is that scene:
Note that "U"s are sometimes "V"s and there are lots of extra "E"s!
Queene Alas, it is the weakenesse of thy braine,
Which makes thy tongue to blazon thy hearts griefe:
But as I haue a soule, I sweare by heauen,
I neuer knew of this most horride murder:
But Hamlet, this is onely fantasie,
And for my loue forget these idle fits.
Ham. Idle, no mother, my pulse doth beate like yours,
It is not madnesse that possesseth Hamlet.
O mother, if euer you did my deare father loue,
Forbeare the adulterous bed to night,
And win your selfe by little as you may,
In time it may be you wil lothe him quite:
And mother, but assist mee in reuenge,
And in his death your infamy shall die.
Queene Hamlet, I vow by that maiesty,
That knowes our thoughts, and lookes into our hearts,
I will conceale, consent, and doe my best,
What stratagem soe're thou shalt deuise.
Ham. It is enough, mother good night:
Come sir, I'le prouide for you a graue,
Who was in life a foolish prating knaue.
Exit Hamlet with [Corambis/Polonius'] dead body.
(Internet Shakespeare, Source #4)
Despite having seemingly major consequences for the plot, this is never discussed again. Gertrude tells Claudius in the next scene that it was Hamlet who killed Polonius (Corambis, whatever!), seemingly betraying her promise.
However, Gertrude’s admission of Hamlet’s guilt (and thus, betrayal) could come down to the circumstance she finds herself in as the next scene begins. There is no stage direction denoting her exit, so the entrance of Claudius in scene 5 may be into her room, where he would find her beside a puddle of blood, evidence of the murder. There’s no talking your way out of that one…
6. The BIGGEST difference: The added scene
After Act 4, Scene 6, (but before 4.7) comes this scene, in which Horatio informs Gertrude that Hamlet was to be executed in England but escaped:
Enter Horatio and the Queene.
Hor. Madame, your sonne is safe arriv'de in Denmarke,
This letter I euen now receiv'd of him,
Whereas he writes how he escap't the danger,
And subtle treason that the king had plotted,
Being crossed by the contention of the windes,
He found the Packet sent to the king of England,
Wherein he saw himselfe betray'd to death,
As at his next conuersion with your grace,
He will relate the circumstance at full.
Queene Then I perceiue there's treason in his lookes
That seem'd to sugar o're his villanie:
But I will soothe and please him for a time,
For murderous mindes are alwayes jealous,
But know not you Horatio where he is?
Hor. Yes Madame, and he hath appoynted me
To meete him on the east side of the Cittie
To morrow morning.
Queene O faile not, good Horatio, and withall, commend me
A mothers care to him, bid him a while
Be wary of his presence, lest that he
Faile in that he goes about.
Hor. Madam, neuer make doubt of that:
I thinke by this the news be come to court:
He is arriv'de, obserue the king, and you shall
Quickely finde, Hamlet being here,
Things fell not to his minde.
Queene But what became of Gilderstone and Rossencraft?
Hor. He being set ashore, they went for England,
And in the Packet there writ down that doome
To be perform'd on them poynted for him:
And by great chance he had his fathers Seale,
So all was done without discouerie.
Queene Thankes be to heauen for blessing of the prince,
Horatio once againe I take my leaue,
With thowsand mothers blessings to my sonne.
Horat. Madam adue.
(Internet Shakespeare, Source #4)
First of all, the implication of Hamlet and Horatio's little date in the city is adorable ("Yes Madame, and he hath appoynted me / To meete him on the east side of the Cittie / To morrow morning.") It reads like they're going out for coffee!
And perhaps more plot relevant: if Gertrude knows of Claudius’s treachery ("there's treason in his lookes"), her death at the end of the play does not look like much of an accident. She is aware that Claudius killed her husband and is actively trying to kill her son and she still drinks the wine meant for Hamlet!
Now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for! My thoughts! Yippee!
On Gertrude:
WOW! I’m convinced that she is done dirty by F1and Q2! She and Hamlet have a much better relationship (Gertrude genuinely worries about his well-being throughout the play.) She has an actual personality that is tied into her role in the story and as a mother. I love Q1 Gertrude even though in the end, there’s nothing she can do to save Hamlet from being found out in the murder of Polonius and eventually dying in the duel. Her drinking the poisoned wine seems like an act of desperation (or sacrifice? she never asks Hamlet to drink!) rather than an accident.
On the language:
I think Q1′s biggest shortcoming is its comparatively simplistic language, especially in 'to be or not to be,' which is written like this in the quarto:
Ham. To be, or not to be, I there's the point,
To Die, to sleepe, is that all? I all:
No, to sleepe, to dreame, I mary there it goes,
For in that dreame of death, when wee awake,
And borne before an euerlasting Iudge [judge],
From whence no passenger euer retur'nd,
The vndiscouered country, at whose sight
The happy smile, and the accursed damn'd.
But for this, the ioyfull hope of this,
Whol'd beare the scornes and flattery of the world,
Scorned by the right rich, the rich curssed of the poore?
The widow being oppressed, the orphan wrong'd,
The taste of hunger, or a tirants raigne,
And thousand more calamities besides,
To grunt and sweate vnder this weary life,
When that he may his full Quietus make,
With a bare bodkin, who would this indure,
But for a hope of something after death?
Which pusles [puzzles] the braine, and doth confound the sence,
Which makes vs rather beare those euilles we haue,
Than flie to others that we know not of.
I that, O this conscience makes cowardes of vs all,
Lady in thy orizons, be all my sinnes remembred.
(Internet Shakespeare, Source #4)
The verse is actually closer to perfect iambic pentameter (meaning more lines have exactly ten syllables and consist entirely of iambs--"da-DUM") than in the Folio, which includes many 11-syllable lines. The result of this, however, is that Hamlet comes across here as considerably less frantic (those too-long verse lines in F1 make it feel like he is shoving words into too short a time, which is so very on-theme for him) and more... sad. Somehow, Q1 Hamlet manages to deserve a hug even MORE than F1 Hamlet!
Nevertheless, this speech doesn't hit the way it does in later printings and I have to say I prefer the Folio here.
On the ending:
The ending suffers from the same effect ‘to be or not to be’ does--it is simpler and (imo) lacks some of the emotion that F1 emphasizes. Hamlet’s final speech is significantly cut down and Horatio’s last lines aren’t quite so potent--although they’re still sweet!
Horatio. Content your selues, Ile shew to all, the ground,
The first beginning of this Tragedy:
Let there a scaffold be rearde vp in the market place,
And let the State of the world be there:
Where you shall heare such a sad story tolde,
That neuer mortall man could more vnfolde.
(Internet Shakespeare, Source #4)
Horatio generally is a more active character in Q1 Hamlet. This ending suits this characterization. He will tell Hamlet’s story, tragic as it may be. It reminds me a bit of We Raise Our Cups from Hadestown. I appreciate that this isn't a request but a command: put up a stage, I will tell this story.
Closing notes:
After over a year, it was due time this post received an update. My main revisions were in regard to source verification. Somehow, in the last year or so, one of my old sources went from linking to a PDF of Q1 to a garden website (???) and some citations were missing from the get-go as a result of this being an independently researched post that involved pulling an all-nighter on Christmas Eve (but no excuses, we need sources!)
I have also corrected some badly worded commentary implying that the Folio's verse is more iambic pentameter-y (it's not; in fact, Q1 tends to "normalize" its verse to make it fit a typical blank verse scheme better than the Folio's does--the lines actually flow better, typically have exactly ten syllables, and use more iambs than Q1's) as well as that the spelling in the Folio is any more modern than those in Q1 (they're both in early modern English; I was mistakenly reading a modernized Folio and assuming it to be a transcription--nice one, 17-year-old Dianthus!) Additionally, I corrected the line breaks in my verse transcriptions and returned the block quotations to their original early modern English, which feels more authentic to what was actually written. A few other details and notes were added here and there, but the majority of the substance is the same.
Overall, if you still haven't read Q1, you absolutely should! Once you struggle through the spelling for a while, you'll get used to it and it'll be just as easy as modern English! If you'd prefer to just start with the modern English, I have also linked a modern translation below (source 5).
And finally, my sources!
Not up to citation standards but very user-friendly I hope...
1. Oxford English Dictionary
2. Internet Shakespeare, Hamlet, "The Texts", David Bevington (https://internetshakespeare.uvic.ca/doc/Ham_TextIntro/index.html)
3. The Riverside Shakespeare (pub. Houghton Mifflin Company; G.B. Evans, et al.)
4. Internet Shakespeare, First Quarto (facsimile--in early modern English) (https://internetshakespeare.uvic.ca/doc/Ham_Q1/complete/index.html)
5. Internet Shakespeare, First Quarto (modern English) (https://internetshakespeare.uvic.ca/doc/Ham_Q1M/index.html)
And here conclude we our scholarly tale,
Of sources, citation, and Christmastime too,
Go read the First Quarto! And here, I leave you.
#shakespeare#hamlet#first quarto#first quarto hamlet#classic literature#revisions#hey look at me#having some scholarly merit#i have so much left to learn#which is a darn good thing#how else would i spend my evenings?#the worst part about this#is that it all started because i thought a got a date wrong#but it turns out i didn't#so HA!#but then i realized i got everything else wrong so....#corrections it is!
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Re~vi~i~ve Go~retsu~! Goretsu!
I'm kidding, of course, but y'know what? I can relax sooner or later!
As much fun as I've rather obviously had with Revice over this past year, I do agree with the general consensus being that it's hit a lot of stumbles. Nothing truly show-breaking or making it unwatchable or anything like that, but definitely noticeable. Maybe I'll talk about them in depth after I see the final episode, or maybe I won't, but hey! Might as well try to end on a good note, eh?
Spoilers, I guess...
-Man.
-Nah, it's fine Vice, I kinda feel the same way.
-I wonder... how the hell does Ikki get removed from photos? I'd understand the symbolism behind it if the rest of the family forgot about him but... did he take the photos? Set the camera up?
-"THIS IS OUR FAULT YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER"
-He's working for free!
-"...yeah, sure, I know who you people are!"
-Oh hi George.
-Yeah, splash him.
-"Let's go see your dad... together, next time."
-Man...
-"Nah, you don't have to apologize. I was just doing it for myself."
-Bros 4 Lyfe.
-Delicious :)
-"So like... who is Ikki Igarashi, anyhow?"
-Epic Dad Joke.
-Did that beer even spill out?
-Awwww, Love-chan :(
-Ikkiiiiiii :(
-He moved out.
-Man, we kinda dropped that Ptera Genome hoverbike thing, huh?
-Guess it was just too much.
-Fenix Frat House.
-GEORGE DID YOU CREATE THE MEMORY DRAIN
-Oh, I... drastically misread that.
-That might be Vice's destruction.
-Dolphin!
-BEDS
-Vice, how much money do you think we have?
-Vice cookin'.
-Demon Spice!
-Bonk.
-Fellas, is it gay to live with the manifestation of your childish impulses and desires meant to protect your brain from trauma?
-Hot damn, Ikki got drip.
-See ya.
-Man... I can't imagine the amount of talent and effort it must take to convey so much emotion just through body language... mad props to Eitoku, that man's a living legend.
-My man wore a suit to a locally owned ramen joint.
-Oh hey, parfaits. I've had one of those in Oishi-na Town!
-...ohhhhh, shit.
-Cake...
-Your phone's goin' wild.
-My man, Tamaki!
-Holy shit, Genta went in there barehanded!
-What a Chad.
-DESTREAM LET'S GO
-Wish I got to see more of this suit, it's awesome.
-V
-Vice duck.
-Oh my god, Vice duck.
-I
-Genuinely don't know what to say to that, what the fuck
-Oh my God.
-I think we've had two fart jokes in the entirety of Revice. Admirable restraint, compared to the preview in Saber.
-Ohhhh shit, we fightin'.
-"I ate your Mom, shitlips!"
-Oh my god, Revi reflected in Vice's helmet's visor... ohhhh, that's such a cool shot...
-Ah, yep. This is all part of a zany scheme.
-...I really hope those people Vice was "attacking" were in on it.
-Oh my fucking god, Sakura sprayed ketchup all over Tamaki.
-...hey, lucky him, I guess!
-Ikki's having himself the most violent masturbation ever.
-We're deleting Vice.
-Man...
-I mean, Kagerou was supposed to be gone forever when the Holy Vistamp was brought into play, but...
-God, I can feel the pain...
-Oh boy, final episode.
-Man...
-Well, I hope you'll all join me Sunday morning, where we bid farewell to the Igarashi family. I'm almost certainly gonna cry, so that should be fun! And after that, I'm gonna post a big long review of Revice maybe probably who knows!
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Requested by anonymous, Outsider Beast Boy x Batsis Reader
🤦🏼♀️I'm still figuring out Tumblr and accidentally deleted the request as I was trying to figure out how to post it. Whomever did I apologize and I hope you find what I posted!
My turn to wash dishes, I walked to the kitchen. I see the near overflowing pile of dirty dishes and sigh. I open the dishwasher. As I wash the food off the dishes, I put them in the dishwasher. I see my older brother Jason. He sat on the counter with a bag of chips. I didn't say anything. I just got back from my date with Garfield. No one knows we're dating. Because I love him and my family is very overprotective. It's going to stay a secret for at least a while. Jason, takes a bite as I continue to clean dishes.
"so what's up, lil' Bird" he says using my nickname as he munched on the chips in his mouth
"nothin' at all, how was the date with, your girlfriend?"
"it was.." he looks away from me with a wry smile, gross
"no details needed" I said shivering gross
"thanks, anyhow. I'm bored any dumbass's who been looking your way I can beat the hell out of"
I sarcastically laugh, and roll my eyes "no it's a little hard to date when your brother's are threatening to kill whomever you bring home or who you date"
"we do not" he defended appalled
"sure, Jaybird sure. What is exactly was the first thing you said to me, when you sat on the counter?" like hell I'm telling him about Garfield and I
"were not talking about me and you're fucking lying to me!" he exclaimed
I halted no! Shit! He can't find out! I took a deep breath holding the plate looking at him, don't blow my cover! "I would never lie to you"
"you're blushing! I'm go to find out who he is!"
"no you're not!" I demanded
"oh, yes I am!" he jumped off the counter and bolted out the room
I hit my foot on the ground "dammit, Jason! Just for once stay out of my life"
He left the kitchen "ouch! I wish that hurt" he mocked
"Jason, I mean it I'll kill you!!" I threatened
"good luck with that!" he yelled back at me
I grunted loudly. Dick walked in with a chuckle at my demise.
"what did Jason do now?" he asked laughing
"nothing" I groan under my breath, irritated with Jason
I continued cleaning. Dick, put his chin on my my head.
"come on, Y/N talk to your favorite big brother. I can help ease your troubles and we can prank Jason for bothering you"
I sigh deeply looking up to my brother "drop it, Dick and get off of me"
He moved leaning on the counter "oh, don't be so grouchy you sound like Dami. I'm just wondering why you're mad so I can help fix it"
"I'm not mad" I say irritated
"you sit on the throne of lies, you sicken me" he jokes
I roll my eye's of course he's phrasing, Elf. I sigh, I could tell him. No! Definitely not. Dick, would go all overprotective brother mode. Jason would threaten to kill Gar or actually do it. Tim would hack security cameras and my phone to make sure Garfield treats me right, which he does. Damian would resent me and kill him. Or he would hate his only second best friend Garfield. It would probably ruin their friendship. I can't risk it. The following day at the hub. Garfield and I holding locked arm's on the balcony. He moves his arm over my neck as I lean into him. We both stare out at the beautiful sky above. He kisses my head. I can't stop worrying about what our future holds.
"babe, you doin' okay? You're being real quiet" he said with a genuine sweet tone
"I know I just am thinking about us.. You know I love you. I'm very addicted to you--" he cut me off
"and I'm insane bananas for you" he said kissing my cheek
I softly chuckle with a blush. I clear my throat "I just am really nervous about my family.. Knowing about us. I really care about you and I don't want you to worry about my brother's using something or anything to hurt you bec--" he shushed me moving to my lips with a kiss
He parts "hey, don't worry" he lifts my hand to his lips kissing it "I can change into any creature, remember?"
I chuckled and kiss him "and my dad is Batman" I said with worry in my tone
"Y/N" he sighed cupping my cheeks. My arm's wrapped around him
"yes" I said taking a deep breath
"relax it'll all work out I promise" he softly said
I touch his cheek "you're carefree nature worries me darling"
He changes into my favorite animal. I chuckled he always made me happy when no one else could. He changes back. We held onto each other knowing this moment will sadly not last long enough.
Dick's P. O. V
Damian ran to get Beast-Boy off our sister though was stopped by me grabbing his collar. My brother's and I look through the sliding window doors onto the balcony. Jason, had said she was probably seeing someone I just didn't want to believe it. But we decided to keep a close eye on her not knowing how to confront her. It was not the best idea but it worked.
"Grayson unhand me this instant I must--" I cut him off
"Damian, stop! Let her be. It's, ok" I softly said as I feel like I am losing my sister.
"is it?" Jason scoffed his glare remaining on Garfield
"no it is not. You are a fool Richard! She is just a child!" Damian appalled
Tim, gazed with a soft smile as if he's happy for her. It kills me, absolutely hurts to know she's growing up. She for sure is still my baby sister but it hurts to know she needs be a, little bit less as she gets older. I've never seen her smile like that. Steph, walked to us delightful as always.
"what's got Dami so angry and what the hell are you all--" she gasped and looked at, Garfield with our sister "Aww! Y/N, has a boyfriend! Aww she's so happy"
"yeah she is" I softly said
Damian, finally calmed down I put him down. My girlfriend rolled in her wheelchair by me. Seeing my saddened smile she holds my hand. I softly smile to her. Cassandra, steps to us she genuinely smiles to Y/N and Garfield. Both of them unaware we were all studying them intently. From what I can see she's happy and that's what matters to me most.
Y/N's P. O. V
I kiss Garfield's cheek. I turn around seeing every single one of my siblings. Shit. My eyes went wide I swiftly push Garfield away.
"oh! This is so not whelmed! All of them at once, ok!" Garfield nervously said "I can handle this. I'd risk it for my girl!" he tried to sound confident in his voice but failed miserably
Dick, erupted into laughter. The doors slid open as he stepped onto the balcony. OK, he's not mad that's good. I so need to work on hiding my love better. It's out in the open now. They all stepped onto the balcony with Grayson. All of my siblings surprisingly here and at the worst possible time.
"don't worry we won't kill him unless he breaks your heart" Dick assured
"you better fucking not" Jason threatened arm's folded
"tt, I'm disgusted to say this, but I agree with Todd" Damian added
"you boy's quit being juvenile. They're happy together obviously so don't mess it up, or I'll stick Cassandra on your asses!" Steph threatened
Cassandra nodded in acknowledgment. She then smiled to me.
"no more secrets Missy" Barbara said to me
"ok mom" I chuckled with a breath of relief
I smile letting out a deep breath. With the girls on my side I'm honestly not as worried as I was. Still just a bit worried about Bruce but that'll be for another day. Garfield chuckles
"whoo! You were so worried babe. See told you it would all work out!" he gratefully said with smirk deeply exhaling with relief
#batfamily#protective batfamily#garfield#Garfield Logan#Garfield Logan X Reader#Garfield Logan X Batsis! Reader#Batsis! Reader#Batfamily#Protective brothers#Secrets#Good big brother Dick Grayson#Overprotective Damian Wayne#Young Justice#Young Justice Outsiders#Beast Boy#Request#Requested oneshot#Hope you liked it!
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Ragnarok Makes No Damn Sense (Part 1)
Having now laid out who Loki has always been and why there was an open agenda to demean and debase him, we come to why Thor: Ragnarok is antithetical to his character. Buckle your damn seatbelt. We've got a lot to unpack.
Off the bat, we're supposed to be appalled/annoyed/something that Loki has usurped the throne from Odin. Yet when last we left our heroes, Thor had abdicated his role as King of Asgard, knowing full well that Odin's health was failing, he was emotionally unfit to rule, and there was no other heir to fill his role. Oops! And for all that we're meant to believe in Loki's selfish ambitions for a throne, let us not forget that Loki-as-Odin at the end of The Dark World offered Thor this kingship. It was Thor who refused. What was it he said at the time? Oh, yes.
"For all his grave imbalance, Loki understood rule as I know I never will."
Now Ragnarok wants us to forget all that. It doesn't suit the narrative Taika Waititi wishes to spin. He wants us to believe that Loki is a terrible, lazy ruler who cares only about glorifying himself. But wait, is Loki a terrible ruler? The Hero™ tells us he is, so it must be so. And yet all we really know of Loki's reign is that he had a non-interventionist foreign policy, improved public infrastructure, and supported the arts. Wow, yeah, what a dick.
We will soon go on to meet Doctor Strange, a character who in comparison to Loki is a novice at magic yet somehow repeatedly manages to get the drop on the trickster. This is necessary in order to minimize Loki's power and competence in the eyes of the viewer. Let me also explain why the "I have been falling for 30 minutes" scene is not charming.
Does anyone think perhaps Loki may have a touch of PTSD related to the sensation of falling? No? Then perhaps we should instead analyze the deleted scene in which Loki is locked in a portapotty while men repeatedly urinate on him until Thor arrives to let him out. The fact that this was an idea someone had to begin with is gross. The fact that they came close enough to using it that it was actually filmed is downright shameful. Every single person at Marvel involved in approving this trash should commit seppuku in penance.
Ignoring the sexual assault implications here... I mean, this is literally toilet humour. Literally. What are we, five years old? Who the hell actually finds this funny?
"I keep a watch list of individuals and beings from other realms that may be a threat to this world." - Doctor Strange, Thor: Ragnarok
So how did you miss the huge, purple nutsack wreaking havoc across the cosmos? I mean, no offense. I'm just saying.
Now we have the culmination of Odin's A+ parenting. He's at the end of his life just because he feels like it, I guess, so now it's time to pretend he gives a damn about Loki for a few seconds again. One "I love you" without even looking at him is supposed to make a millennium of emotional abuse and neglect all better or something. Even in his death, Odin can't seem to stop screwing with Loki's mind. What a charming man, I'll sure miss him.
Oh, but before he's on his way, he has a teensy weensy confession to make. Remember when he lied to you about your entire existence, Loki? LOL! He lied to Thor about being the firstborn too! And now the evil sister neither of you knew you had is coming to destroy everything and he's given you no time to plan how to stop her! Don't you feel much better now?
It's been about five minutes since we were reminded that Loki is a coward and an idiot or something, so contrary to Tom Hiddleston's own words that
"The thing with Loki is that, if he’s afraid, he won’t show it. He’s been highly trained, through the experience of his slightly traumatic life, to shield his fears."
it became necessary for Loki to immediately panic and lead Hela straight to the one place he knows she'll be most powerful. Whoops!
The Warriors 3 are quickly dispatched by Hela because it's important we remember that the first two Thor movies were trash and nothing that ever happened in them has any meaning. By the way, Heimdall is Thor's new BFF now and Thor will never mention his former friends ever again. Ever. Like, even in passing. Like they never existed. Those people who committed literal treason for him both before and after he was banished in Thor (2011). And then again in The Dark World. Those friends.
Meanwhile, Thor and Loki have both landed on a planet called Sakaar. It's a giant trash heap and that about sums up how I feel about this whole damn movie, so credit to TW for the symbolism, I suppose. Here's possibly the most cringeworthy moment in the whole debacle—and that's a very high bar. Or low, I guess, depending on how you look at life.
He's a Norse god... screaming, "oh my god!" I don't have enough hands
for all the facepalming I feel like doing right now.
Anyhow, Loki and Thor have arrived on Sakaar separately and Thor has just noticed Loki sitting across the room, casually joking about his own suicide attempt. Because there's nothing funnier than suicide, amirite?! Especially when you still haven't sorted through any of the complex issues that led you to become suicidal to begin with. Who cares? We're just here for the lulz, yeah?
"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Korg, I'm the director's annoying self-insert, and I'll be pissing on every poignant moment from here on out because reflection is for nerds. You just need to smile more."
Hey, remember that time in The Dark World where Loki was stuck in solitary confinement for a year and Thor didn't come to visit him even once? Now Thor is the one locked up and Loki has come to visit him almost immediately. To offer his help. To try to relate. Maybe mourn the loss of... everything together. But Thor's not interested in relating. He's interested in scapegoating Loki, because that's what this family does.
"What would you like me to say? You faked your own death, you stole the throne, stripped Odin of his power, stranded him on Earth to die, releasing the Goddess of Death.” - Thor, Thor: Ragnarok
To borrow a phrase from the late Luke Skywalker, "Amazing. Every word of what you just said is wrong."
► Loki has never faked his death. What he did is fail to die on Svartalfheim, through no fault of his own. It seems a little insane I have to defend Loki's right to not die, but here we are, I guess.
"We planned to have Loki have a redemptive death[...]We think he's wounded, but it wasn't a death blow." - Kevin Feige, The Dark World DVD extras
"Loki probably in his heart wants to be worthy, and the way he achieves his redemption—his salvation—is to ultimately sacrifice himself, for Thor and for Jane. I hope it’s a very cathartic and moving moment, by saving his brother’s life and avenging his mother’s death." - Tom Hiddleston, The Dark World DVD extras
The worst that can be said of Loki's "betrayal" of Thor at the end of The Dark World is that he failed to inform him that he had survived. And Loki had very good reasons to do so. What had Thor offered him in exchange for his help with the Dark Elves? He would return him to his cell to live out the rest of his days in complete isolation—a fate that I will just reiterate is classified as a form of psychological torture.
► Loki didn't steal the throne. As mentioned above, he offered Thor the throne. Thor said no.
► There is zero evidence beyond Thor's own assumptions that Loki stripped Odin of his powers. We are meant to believe this only because we are told that it is so. On the contrary: "It took me some time to break free of your spell," Odin tells Loki before his death. But if Odin had been stripped of his power, how then did he eventually break free? Upon examination, Thor's logic fails.
► Loki did not "strand Odin on Earth to die". He left him in a freaking retirement home where he had every expectation that Odin would be well-cared for. An argument can certainly be made that after everything Odin has done to Loki in the past, Loki was downright merciful not to kill the old man in his sleep and be done with it.
► Loki had no way of even knowing Hela existed. How is her release his fault and not, say, Odin's for dealing with all his problem children by tossing them out and throwing away the key? Or for not preparing his sons for the day they would be forced to face her?
Oh well. Now it's time for Loki Is A Coward™, Part Deux, because as I may have mentioned previously:
"The thing with Loki is that, if he’s afraid, he won’t show it. He’s been highly trained, through the experience of his slightly traumatic life, to shield his fears." - Tom Hiddleston
MINOR ENDGAME SPOILER:
Reminder also that this was Loki's reaction to the Hulk in Endgame, only minutes after being beaten to a pulp by him
Doesn't seem particularly frightened, but what do I know?
Hey, remember back in Thor (2011) when this happened? If the Valkyrie were already legend, why did Sif need to prove herself as a female warrior?
Shhh. You were supposed to forget about that minor detail. Now back to the butt jokes.
Now let’s take a short intermission, shall we? Because this movie blows so hard that if I put all my criticisms in one post, it’ll probably break Tumblr.
↩️ back to the compendium
#the big damn ragnarok sucks compendium#ragnarok cinematic universe#taika waititi is a piece of shit ask me how#loki#thor#odin's a+ parenting#loki meta#thor meta#not my thor#mcu
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The legal side of dealing with porg - signal boost please
Might as well tell you all this as @staff are genuinely useless with dealing with trolls, and if they were more competent - she’d actually be banned by now.
The threats that she comments in notes of other peoples in stuff that she tries to delete are annoying, and even more so the unblocking of blocked users just to start something. (Ref. @kissan-etsiva)
But all those comments with hatespeech - are totally illegal. The anonymous messages, even more so. I can’t remember the exact post to link you to that proves this - but it shows many links to news articles about people being charged with crimes because of anon hate and comments that attack others. (It’ll pop-up on your dash now and again, like the hat post or colour of the sky post)
@thephantomporg84
Anyhow - a decent user should follow the tumblr user guidelines right? And if not, there should be consequences? Well after giving up reporting on abuse because literally nothing has been done in a year - I can tell you that these guidelines have been broken by the user derelict-stranger probably more than once. If you look at the letter I used to file a report with local UK police -> DM me for it, (afraid to put it in this post as it has my IRL name in it) it essentially boils down to the violation of the following guidelines:
Hate Speech
Harm to Minors
Violent Content and threats
Promotion of self-harm (like telling multiple people to kill themselves)
Non-Genuine Social Gesture Schemes: forcing others to block a list of 50+ people, for example.
Confusion or impersonation (she e-groucho’d me as “idk thephantomporg84 or opera or whatever”)
Harassment
The letter highlights in red the guidelines that have been broken. If anything is out of date or incorrect - DM me so it can be corrected.
As for the legal shit found here: Online hate speech and trolling is Illegal in the UK and there are guidelines in place to deal with it. If porg lived in the UK she would most definitely be charged with cybercrime related offences.
However in Pennsylvania this is different: if brought to court, online cyberbullying it can be charged as harassment if the perpetrator’s intent was to alarm and annoy victims and the manner in which the defendant communicated with the victim was threatening, which is certainly true for many of us who’ve landed on her naughty list. It can also be charged as stalking if there are repeated instances of such behaviour in order to put the victim in emotional distress or fear of bodily injury - which is certainly true of many of us who’ve received hate speech from her, and one of the most recent events where the perpetrator unblocked someone just to get a hate comment out of their system.
The consequences of harassment and stalking in the USA are either fines, jail time or both. For harassment - one can expect approx. months to 1yr jail time and fines of upwards to $2,500. For stalking - fines are in between $10k and $15k and jail time can be between 5-7yrs.
The only legal defence to cyberbullying is the first amendment - the rule about free speech. However lines are blurry in this area - so if brought to a criminal court In the US porg may get away with it. The perpetrator’s state of mind may be taken as a form of defence, if porg or a qualified mental health professional claims she wasn’t in the right frame of mind when committing such acts she may get away with it completely or get a less harsh sentence. (Then again, involuntary 302 holds do exist, if someone isn’t of right mind and is causing harm to themselves or others....)
I also used an online link to report the aforementioned document of evidence to Scranton Police (where the troll lives), and it was recently rejected as there wasn’t enough evidence, which is the same message I got from police in the UK. On the upside - I actually have an active case number with the police, and two email addresses to contact a police constable and a police station. (Again, DM me if you need it)
Hell - I’ve even tried going to the FBI and posting an online tip to the Philadelphia department but I’m not sure if it actually is working for me, as I’m doing this from another country. If you’re in the USA - knock yourself out.
This was the online form I used to actually report the crime in the first place -> here I don’t know if it works for non-uk users, but you are welcome to try.
But yeah - please try to report this to local law enforcement, the person in charge of my case said if more people come forward, more can actually be done in regards to this than what a tumblr moderator or algorithm can actually do. If you do decide to go to the police or any other local authority - please make reference to my case number (please DM me to get it)
... and Porgypants, if you’re reading this, shit has only escalated to this level as you haven’t backed down, and the moderators on this website have turned a blind eye to your behaviour and repeated violation of the guidelines. You have made this even easier for us by disclosing the city and state you live in, the county you live in, your age, biological sex, your job and other such qualifications (like your college degree), ethnicity, religion and the neuroses that you mention as a defence for your behaviour. Many people have found your usernames on various platforms, and have narrowed down the places where you could work. For an internet troll, you sure are lousy at covering your tracks.
We’ve tried to ignore you - and even then, you’re still looking for ways to get under our collective skins. We are asking you to leave us and the fandom alone, and to take accountability for your behaviour.
If you aren’t happy with this proposal, feel free to lawyer up. If need be, I’m pretty sure many of us would be happy to go to court to go against you. Also - the repeateded harassment and hate towards the DMC devs on twitter (if anyone hasn’t seen it - wayback machine exists) they count as victims too, but they’re probably too busy to deal with other things than to deal with you.
Regards,
Sui-Senka/Sakura-Shadows
#devil may cry#dmc#thephantomporg84#derelict stranger#derelict-stranger#dmcv#devil may cry 5#dmc5#porg drama#honk honk#🤡
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A new fic to my Stadium Tour series
Tumblr has been a pain in the ass for me recently. First, my sideblog’s posts’ tags are not shown in the feed and secondly, my last fic’s link disappeared suddenly from the tag feed. I have no clue why - maybe the god’s of Tumblr didn’t like when Paul was laughing at Reesh’s goofy outfit.
Anyways, I keep my fingers crossed and post this fic straight here. Enjoy. ~
ps. Once again, it's just my headcanons, no means to offend anybody. I'm just playing around the characters.
This time, there's a bit of angst, but in the end I promise, it's gonna be fine.
Tales from the Stadium Tour pt. 2: Night terrors
Only two months to the start of their biggest tour ever, and everyone is understandably being exhausted as hell. Nobody hasn't said or done anything to it before their lead guitarist cracks and threatens to quit the whole band.
Luckily, Paul is there for him.
Being a world-famous band, some days tended to be the best ever, while some were being the absolute worst. Today, evidently, the latter - at least for their lead guitarist.
“So ein Misthaufen!!! Fuck this lousy band and fuck this even lousier tour!!!” Richard yelled, after another string from his guitar broke in the middle of the song. He usually treated his precious instrument like a woman he adored, but at this stage of upset, he almost threw it to the brick wall. “I said in the first place that this stadium tour was the dumbest idea we’ve ever had. It’s gonna be just a fucking farce the whole thing, I tell you!”
The guitarist rushed demonstratively towards the door turning to his fellow band members the last time before exiting the room. “I’m gonna leave this whole Scheisse, so have a nice tour without me!!!”
Schneider, confused and annoyed from the strange situation, stood up behind his drum kit. He had to interrupt this somehow. “C’mon Reesh, we’ve had way worse moments before. What the hell are you talking about quitting now? Should we cancel all the sold-out stadium shows then, huh? Don’t be ridiculous. It’s been just a bad day, it’s unnecessary to act like that!” He didn’t think they really had played so poorly – hell’s, back in the days, they’d even performed to full festival audiences, completely wasted, and with all of their instruments being out of tune.
“Hire a fucking substitute, it’s your problem now. I don’t care anymore! So verpiss dich!!” Richard snorted and showed the rudest hand sign known in the western culture to his band members before slamming the door and disappearing from their practice.
Stiff atmosphere landed the room. The question marks inside the other band members’ heads were almost visible. What on earth was that? Flake stared at his keyboard without saying anything. He really hated drama and usually when that occurred, he wanted to discuss and settle things with diplomacy rather than with yelling and swearing. He had to admit that he was sometimes a bit frightened about the melodramatic attitude their lead guitarist had. Flake knew that Richard was emotionally unstable - mostly, because of his neglecting family and other difficulties he had encountered through his life, so it was definitely understandable - but still, he was never prepared for the drama. He would have wanted to help the poor man, but didn’t really know, how.
In the other corner, Ollie was playing some random bass riff without an amplifier. He tried to keep himself busy and hide his disorientation as well. Schneider was bit in a shock and was handling it with never-ending gabbing.
“What the fuck was that, why he had to be so mean? He should definitely learn some manners, he can’t say things like that or show us the middle finger, like he would be the boss. We are all adults, for god’s sake…” He inhaled and continued, a notable concern in his voice: “Where did that thing about quitting come from? Right now, just two months before Gelsenkirchen? I don’t understand, why is he being such an asshole…”
“That’s enough,” Till interrupted their drummer’s rambling and cleared his throat, continuing: “Yes, he was being an ass towards us, but we shouldn’t judge him still. As you said Schneider, we are all adults, so let’s act like ones, even though Reesh didn’t. We all have our bad moments, and bad days, but we’ll still stick together, right?”
Paul was sitting legs crossed in the middle of the stage, listening to the discussion - or it seemed more like an argument now. To be honest, he wouldn’t have wanted to participate anyhow to this, but he didn’t want anyone to be upset though. Richard had once said that their band’s relationship was like a marriage, so despite all the uncomfortable things happening, he still felt responsible of their band members - especially Richard, who he cared deeply.
“I agree with you that he’s been like a bear shot in the ass lately, but still, we shouldn’t hate him. There must be an explanation to all of this,” Paul said and turned towards their singer, desperation in his voice: “Till, what should we do now?”
The singer just shrugged his shoulders.
Schneider, still annoyed, carried on his ranting: “So what could help then, huh? Should we let the diva continue being an ass towards us? What if he was serious about quitting, what are we gonna do then? Cancel all the shows, get real jobs? Guys, I’m definitely not accepting this. Not at all. We shouldn’t always go his way.”
There was a brief silence in the tight atmosphere before Till gestured Paul outside the rehearsal room. “Can I have a word with you, privately?”
The puzzled guitarist nodded and followed.
“Have you noticed anything…unusual in Reesh’s behavior recently?” Till asked when they were just the two of them.
Paul was thinking for a while what to answer. “Yes. When I think about it, he’s been even more annoying than usually,” he tried to ease the tight atmosphere, but Till still looked dead serious, so he clarified, “or I mean that he really gets annoyed even about the smallest things nowadays. Sometimes, I don’t dare to say anything to him because everything seems to upset him more. He also looks exhausted and doesn’t have the energy he usually has. He seems like…he’s not being himself anymore.”
“Exactly,” Till answered. He was happy to hear that Paul had noticed the same things as him.
“Do you have any idea, what might it be? You’ve known each other quite a long time so has he been like that before?”
“Couple of times, yes. You know that he’s being sometimes unnecessarily dramatic, but I think this time, he has a reason.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you have to admit that we - especially I - sounded like a vulture’s diarrhea ass today. You know how perfectionist Reesh is, so it made him even more distressed, and now he must think that our band is a total bullshit in general.”
“I agree that we weren’t at our best, but of course we’ve had bad days before and always managed still. I just don’t understand what made him to crack like that now.”
Till stared at the wall, avoiding Paul’s eyes, when he said: “I think he is mostly annoyed to himself rather than to us. He is clearly in a huge stress about this tour, about the news songs, about every single damn detail you can imagine. I can see that he’s not being his lively self, as you mentioned before. He tries to control everything too much and now, just two months before the tour should start, he has realized that it’s impossible to handle everything with a way he’d want to.”
Paul didn’t know what to think. In his opinion the stadium tour had been a good idea, something new and exciting for them. They’d had so much fun while creating their crazy-ass performance and the good old creative vibes had been around them. It felt amazing to play together once again, and like a cherry on top, it had lit that inner fire Paul had missed for a long time. He was also thrilled to perform the new songs - despite they didn’t have any clue yet, would the audience even like them, he was happy to play something new beside the old classics to which he was a bit fed up with. To be honest, he was even relieved that they had deleted Feuer Frei from their set list - even though it was a popular song, musically Paul thought it was one of their worst.
But, of course, when speaking of this kind of massive tour, everything doesn’t always go as expected. Paul didn’t mind it so much and he liked the idea that there was always room for some improvisation and surprises. The most important thing was that they and their audience enjoyed themselves. Besides, you’d always learn from failures and you could laugh at them later. He didn’t really understand, why Richard had to be so concerned about everything.
One thing his fellow guitarist had said before worried him the most. “Do you think he was serious with this ‘I quit’ bullshit?”
Till looked uneasy as well. “I don’t know. He is pretty unpredictable to be honest.”
“Then, what should we do? You know him the best, so should you go to talk to him?”
“Not me.”
“Why?”
“Because he doesn’t listen to me. It might make him to feel even worse. If he sees me, he probably just wants to smack me in the face.”
“So, what’s the solution then? Should we just let him be?”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea. It’s not once or twice he has ended up doing something stupid in bad mood.”
After a brief silent moment, Till looked Paul, almost like a begging dog. “Can you go to talk to him? I think you are the only chance we have now.”
The guitarist gave a laugh. “Me? What the hell, I’m not a professional psychologist. Besides, you know him way better than me.”
“It doesn’t matter, who knows him the best. Have you happened to notice the way he looks at you, listens to everything you say? He clearly adores you, so I think you should do it. If it doesn’t work, then we’ll figure out something else.”
Oh mein Gott. “But what am I supposed to say? I…I’m not good at this kind of stuff. What if I make him to feel even worse?”
“Just improvise,” Till said, and patted Paul’s shoulder, trying to make him to relax. Instead, the other man gulped notable loud. A huge pile of responsibility was on his shoulders now.
What the hell did I just promise.
Finding their angsty little teenager ended up to be pretty easy; Paul just had to follow the thick fog hovering in the corridor. Seriously, he should cut down that smoking.
In no time, Richard was hearing a knock on his door. Verdammt.
“For fuck’s sake, lass mich Ruh!”
“Sorry to interrupt, but can I come in?”
Hearing Paul’s voice cooled Richard down a tiny bit. At first, he’d been completely sure that it was Till who came to interrupt his own peace. Now he was so surprised that he couldn’t even reply anything to the other guitarist’s question. The other part of him wanted to welcome him in, hug him as tight as he could and weep all of his sorrows to the other man, while the other part just wanted to pout alone and act like nothing was wrong.
When Paul didn’t hear anything, he decided to take a risk and come in even without a permission. At least, there wasn’t that childish swearing anymore.
“You know very well that we all agreed earlier that we are not smoking inside,” he said, trying not to sound too judgemental. He knew that Richard was an eternal rebel, but still, he should at least try to obey the rules they had set together.
Even though Paul didn’t mean it, Richard took the other man’s comment as an insult. “Oh, I didn’t know that my stepfather has taken a form of Paul suddenly.” Even a thought of that horrible family member made Richard to shiver a bit.
Paul sighed. “You know very well that I didn’t mean to sound like him, just that some of the tour staff told us that they might get a terrible headache from cigarette smoke. We don’t want anyone to get sick at this point. You are not a teenager anymore, so you should start to respect others’ opinions as well.”
Just to annoy Paul more, his fellow band member lighted up another cigarette even though the first one wasn’t finished yet. Richard didn’t even bother to give a glance to the other man, like he would have been just thin air to him.
“Hallooo Mister, I’m talking to you now!” Paul shouted, waving his hands at the same time in front of the cocky man.
But still, Richard just continued smoking, without saying anything.
Paul tried to think what to do. Sensible talking clearly didn’t work now so he had to make up another kind of tactic.
Okay, you asked for this, you damn teenage diva.
Without any prior warning, Paul sat on Richard’s lap, dumped the precious cigarette to one of the many beer cans on the floor, and turned the other man’s head, forcing him to look straight into his eyes.
“Do I finally have your attention, Herr Kruspe?” Paul asked, in a provoked tone. If this wouldn’t work, he would suggest to the guys that maybe they should hire a new lead guitarist after all.
But, to Paul’s surprise, despite his earlier arrogant acting, Richard’s face didn’t look as aggressive as he had sounded. Instead, his eyes were actually glossy. The sight sent a wave of empathy inside Paul and now he was really concerned instead being annoyed. Okay, this must be something serious now.
“Reesh, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing,” Richard answered, turning his eyes from the other man’s inquisitive, yet sympathetic, gaze. I am not a fucking baby, so don’t you dare to pity me like that.
But resiliently, Paul continued: “It’s clearly ‘nothing’ when you are almost crying.”
Richard didn’t like it when Paul had to see him in this weak state. “You shouldn’t have come here. I bet that Till sent you.”
“It doesn’t matter who send me and why. I am seriously worried about you. In fact, we all are.”
Richard didn’t say anything, he just stared at the table in front of them even though it was difficult when the other man was sitting on his lap, being so freaking close to him. But to be honest, in any other situation, the other man’s proximity would have actually felt really pleasant. Right now though, he was so distressed that it was difficult to concentrate on anything.
“Reesh, honestly, we all are under a huge stress because of the upcoming concerts and stuff, but how you are acting and threatening to leave us, are far from normal. Please, tell me, what is concerning you,” Paul begged.
There was once again a silent moment. For a while Paul thought that this was a lost case - maybe Richard didn’t want to tell him anything and would rather to stay alone. This was probably a stupid idea in the end. Damn you Till and your “just improvise”.
But, just before Paul thought about leaving from the other man’s lap, Richard broke the eerie silence with a huge sigh. “Y-you are correct, I am actually in a huge stress.”
Now Paul’s attention arose again. Maybe this isn’t a lost case after all. “Do you want to clarify what do you mean with ‘a huge stress’? You know very well that I’m not a telepath, so I can’t enter your thoughts if you are not telling me, what’s going on.”
“I’m just so fucking scared of…all of this,” the other man managed to say, with a trembling voice. He desperately tried to fight back tears - it was too embarrassing to cry when somebody was witnessing. Richard was so used to keep his tough mask and now when it was falling off, he felt suddenly so helpless.
“Scared of what exactly?”
“Of everything…about this new tour and…stuff.”
Without getting a very clarifying answer, Paul tried to keep on asking. “We all can see that you are not being yourself. Can I ask you, have you even slept or eaten properly? Cigarettes and coffee are not considered as food.”
There was no point to lie or hide anymore, so whatever Paul was asking, Richard had to answer. Shit. “Well, a couple of hours now and then.”
“How much did you sleep last night for example?”
“Well, actually I…umm…didn’t sleep. And when I think about it, maybe I didn’t eat anything either. I really cannot remember…My head is being a bit fuzzy because there’s so much going on.”
“Holy hell, did you know that at our age we should care about our health even more! That’s not gonna end up really well, if you continue that kind of lifestyle. We are not young anymore, our motor doesn’t run with only drugs and alcohol!”
“Seriously, why do you have to sound like some fucking nurse now.” Of course, Richard knew very well that what he was doing wasn’t really healthy, but he couldn’t help it.
“It doesn’t matter how I sound, the most important thing is you now. But could you tell me, why haven’t you slept? Is there something bothering you?”
Richard nodded and shivered a bit. Fuck it, maybe I just have to tell him. “I can’t sleep because…because…I’ve had so horrible nightmares lately that I’m actually…afraid of falling asleep…it’s easier to stay up as long as I can.”
“Do you want to tell me what kind of nightmares?” Paul knew that he really started to sound like a psychologist, but he was so concerned, that he didn’t care about it right now.
They’d been sitting on the couch for a while and Richard had been trying to avoid Paul’s physical and mental proximity as best as he could. But, as he started to open up, he had a sudden urge to seek for attention from his friend. To Paul’s complete - yet, pleasant - surprise, without a warning, Richard grabbed him tightly and started to pour out, sobbing desperately at the same time: “I’ve…had of course nightmares before, but…not as vivid as these…i…it’s so fucking disturbing…”
“There’s nothing to be afraid of now, I’m with you,” Paul tried to calm his friend down, stroking his hair gently. “What is happening in your nightmares?”
Richard cleared his throat and started to mumble to Paul’s shoulder: “It begins…pretty normally. We are having a gig, everything goes well, and we are having fun, even though…I’m a bit dizzy when I see the huge audience. Seriously, it seems like there are millions of people there. Just staring at us. And I feel a nasty twitch in my stomach when I think about how they are…judging us, especially me.”
“You know that in our concerts, most of the people are probably so wasted that they don’t even remember anything. They don’t care how you sound or look, they are just having a party of their lives,” Paul said, trying to ease the other man’s horror.
But Richard didn’t hear what Paul was saying, he just kept continuing: “Then, we are doing the boat thing…I always thought it was a bad idea. You know what happened to Flake earlier.”
“And you know that Till has said you thousand times that you don’t have to do it, if you are afraid.”
“But…I don’t want to be…a coward.”
“You’re definitely far from being a coward.”
I wish I would believe that also. Richard gulped and continued to describe his terrible dream: “Everything is pretty ok and I see you are doing fine while you are boating through the audience - in fact, you seem to enjoy yourselves with Schneider, shaking hands with the people and stuff…I’m jealous to you when you manage to remain so calm.
When it’s finally my turn to step in, I feel like I have to throw up. When I look at all the people, they resemble an enormous pack of greedy wolves, ready to tear me alive. It’s fucking terrifying...
Then, I manage to go with the boat for a while, and when I’m finally convinced that it’s gonna be alright, suddenly something happens…I fall down and hit my head. I nearly pass out, and try to shout for help, but…nobody’s listening. Instead, the audience - looking like fucking werewolves with their huge red eyes - is tearing me apart, kicking and hitting me in the face so hard it’s impossible to breathe. I’m coughing blood and spitting out pieces of my teeth. At the same time, those animals are shouting…pretty nasty stuff to me.”
Paul noticed that as the story carried on, his breathing was getting shallow and his hands, still caressing his friend’s hair, were shaking. Yet, he tried to remain as calm as possible because he wanted Richard to tell him all, despite how horrible it would be. “What kind of…insults?”
“They are calling me…” In this part, it was difficult for Paul to get what Richard was saying, because his voice was trembling so much. Still, he tried his best to listen. “…a numb, a complete failure and that I have just failed through my life. That all I have achieved so far is a fucking farce… that nobody cares about me and…I would be better off dead. Some of those freaking werewolves even have the judging voice of my stepfather. He always thought that I’m nothing, I’m just a total loser. After all of these years his words…still haunt me.”
“Reesh, that’s so horrible…I’m so sorry to hear.” Paul wasn’t sure, what kind of words were the most suitable in this kind of situation. For Richard though, he wasn’t hoping to hear the right words, he was just so relieved that somebody was listening to him - and he was even more relieved when the person listening to him was Paul.
Richard parted from their embrace, now looking straight into the other man’s eyes. His grey eyes were filled with pure horror and self judgement. “But the worst part is just coming up.”
“Do you…do you want to tell it to me?”
Richard squeezed his friend’s shoulders so tight it hurt, but it didn’t matter.
“Reesh, please tell me. Everything is ok now, I’m here for you…”
So, the horrifying story continued. “In the end, the audience disappears and I’m relieved when I see all of you approaching me. I raise my hands, begging for your help, but you… just continue doing the same terrible things as the audience…Till points and laughs at me…that laugh is still echoing in my head…Rest of you behind him start to mock me. I also hear somebody of you saying that thank god you are finally getting rid of me, because you all hate me so much.
And in the end, the rest of the guys, expect for you, leave the scene. You stare at me, looking so curious - like a scientist glaring at his guinea pig - and so unusually…cold. I’m drained and exhausted, still hoping that at least you would help me. But, in the end…you come close to me and whisper to my ear…” Richard’s voice suddenly broke and he couldn’t breathe properly anymore.
Paul’s whole body was on goosebumps, but still, he wanted Richard to continue: “What…is it I whisper to you?”
The other man answered with his eyes closed: “You whisper to me that…’you fucking piece of shit…du bist ein Scheitern’…”
“…A failure? Why would I ever call you that? That’s… so fucking horrible…I’m so sorry…I would never call you with that horrendous word…”
“And you keep repeating it over and over until I’m begging you to stop, but you just continue…”
“Holy motherfucking hell, you should know that I would never, ever say anything like that to you…”
“And in the end, you spit on me and disappear, laughing with a voice so cruel that it…still hurts me to even think about it…I’d want to cry, but I can’t. I just lay on the dirty ground, alone, torn in the pieces mentally and physically.”
Paul was completely shocked, squeezing the other man tightly. “Holy shit…why am I acting like that in your dreams… I certainly hope that you are not really thinking that I would ever do something like that to you. Not in this lifetime. Not me, Till, Flake, Ollie or Schneider. We all love and support you and we’ll stick together, whatever happens. The audience can be shit sometimes, but we’ll always be there for you. For each other.”
Richard was crying to Paul’s shoulder, this time without even bothering to hide his awful feelings. Even though it was horrible to say out loud all these things which had bothered him for so long, it felt like a catharsis to finally speak about those horrors.
Richard parted from Paul’s embrace to blow his nose. “Es tut mir wirklich leid…how embarrassing, an adult man weeping like this.”
“Hey, there’s definitely no need to apologize.”
“Yes, there is. I was an ass towards all of you today. I really don’t know why I said all those cruel things…I’m just somehow so shocked and horrified about everything…”
“Well, all the guys were quite confused about the scene you created, but they will definitely understand and accept your apology. These are hard times for all of us, you are not alone.”
Richard wasn’t really convinced, so he continued: “Why am I so weak, why do I have to show my emotions like this…you all seem to be so happy about this new tour so why am I acting like this…”
“We all are afraid, of course. I’m as well and sometimes, it’s difficult for me to sleep, even though you know pretty well how good I’m at napping.”
Richard gave a dry laugh through his tears. “Yes, I definitely remember that lousy night after a gig in Mexico City, in that even lousier motel bunk we had to share. You were snoring so loud, and it was so freaking hot next to you, that I couldn’t sleep a second.”
Paul grinned. It was a good sign that Richard was joking, so he could be distracted from all the terrible things they had just discussed about. “To be honest, I don’t even remember anything from that night.” They both made a sound so weird that it was difficult to tell whether they were laughing or crying. It warmed up Paul’s heart to see his friend smiling, at least a tiny bit.
“But yeah, coming back to our Stadium Tour, it’s gonna be a huge thing for us. A challenge and an enormous step forward. I’m excited and yes, so afraid at the same time, but also, I am willing to just jump into the crazy rollercoaster - to see where it will lead us. And I’m completely sure that in the end, we will succeed and be even a bigger band we already are.”
“But how are you able to manage with all the fears and concerns? You seem so calm while I feel like I’m breaking into pieces even though the tour hasn’t even started yet.”
“I think the biggest reason I manage is that I know that I’m not alone. Whatever happens, we’ll stick together. We can, and we actually are bound, to ask for help - you should remember that as well. We don’t have to act like we are stronger than we are - we are, in the end, just a bunch of normal guys. Not some superheroes.”
Richard sighed. “I wish I could be like that as well. This freaking perfectionism is killing me.”
Paul understood what Richard meant. His friend was definitely that kind of a person, who’d be concerned if 1 person out of 100 didn’t like him, and he’d remember that single negative feedback for the rest of his life, even though there were actually 99 people worshipping him.
“Reesh, let me tell you something.”
There was a puzzled gaze in the other man’s eyes when Paul turned him to look at him again. “I just want you to know that you are an amazing person and a talented musician. Honestly, you are fucking amazing at anything you do. And if there happens to be someone who doesn’t like you, it’s his problem.”
Richard was blinking his eyes, confused from all of this. Still, after all these years, he wasn’t used to compliments. It felt a bit similar when passionate fans came to him, praising him from head to toe. “Now you must be just flattering me.”
Paul looked at him with a serious gaze. “Everything I said before is true, it’s not just some lame flattering. You deserve so much more positive things. I said it because I lo…” He cleared his throat and continued, feeling a rush of warmth on his cheeks at the same time: “I…umm, adore you very much.”
“Thank…you.” Richard was completely dumbfounded by the sweet words.
The two men were still embracing each other. Richard felt like his legs were getting a bit numb from Paul’s weight, but it didn’t matter. His whole body had calmed down, and he actually felt like he could finally fall asleep now, being safe with his friend.
His dreamy state was interrupted though when the other man asked: “Just one last thing. Were you serious with this ‘I quit’ stuff?”
Richard smiled. “Maybe I admit that I overreacted a bit. Of course, I’m not quitting, because I don’t want to get rid of any of you. Especially from you, Paul. I enjoy irritating you way too much.”
Hearing that felt like a heavy load finally dropped from Paul’s shoulders. “That’s wonderful to hear.” Then he came closer and whispered to Richard’s ear: “And you are definitely not getting rid of me, never in this lifetime.”
They both chuckled and Richard went back to his sweet, dreamy state. His eyelids weighed like led and slowly, he was dragged into the miraculous world of his unconscious mind.
Suddenly, Paul said, like from the distance, even though he was still close: “We all should relax.”
“…but I thought we have a tight schedule,” the other, drowsy man, mumbled.
“Yes, but it doesn’t help if we forcefully continue, exhausted and drained. We’d be too tired when the actual tour starts. We should take a tiny break.”
There was complete silence and Paul could only hear Richard’s calm, rhythmic breathing. “Are you sleeping under me?” he asked, pressing a couple of light kisses on the other man’s forehead.
“…maybe…does it matter?”
Paul gave a laugh. “Not at all, just that it might be a bit uncomfortable position.” He finally stood up and immediately, Richard positioned himself to the sofa more comfortable so he could take a nap. Paul handed him a blanket and sat next to him, caressing him still.
“I actually got an idea what we could do.”
“…huh?” was all that Richard was able to answer from the edge of consciousness.
“I’ll tell you later. Now, just get some sleep, mein Liebling.”
“Wonderful to hear that he’s now resting,” Till said while they were walking towards the little kebab kiosk nearby the rehearsal place. Even though Till tried to maintain a healthy lifestyle, Paul’s idea of getting some junk food and watching a crappy movie from Ollie’s endless B film -collection, was a very good one indeed. It was no use to do anything meaningful anymore today and they all really needed something else to think about than the tour. It had been a long time since they did something else together than music related stuff.
There was still one question bothering the singer. “But I’m curious, how did you manage to calm him down when he was so upset earlier?”
“Well, I had my own ways,” Paul said, grinning himself.
“You two clearly have something special going on.”
With a dreamy look in his eyes, them fixed to the red sky, Paul whispered so quietly that Till could barely hear it: “…vielleicht…”
#rammstein#rammsteinfandom#richard kruspe#paul landers#till lindemann#flake lorenz#christoph schneider#oliver riedel#paulchard#my fics
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40, 47, 59, 62, 76
lmao hell yeah thanks for All this support i love it!! quastions
40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?
really idk i feel like even our schools’s Antics were pretty par for the course and i was just sitting in the corner reading the whole time basically......trying to think if anything wild happened in college but even then it was p similar. well you know what, whatever donors covered the majority of the cost of the school’s black box theater being renovated apparently Stipulated that every other year a rodgers and hammerstein production be put on. absolute freaks. my roommate/friend and their then-boyfriend, the one mormon i have Knowingly Known in my life, were in pirates of penzance (sic?) together. hilarious
47. favorite type of cheese?
i like cheddar and like, parmesan, smoked gouda.....let’s get that shit Sharp!!! and hard lmao
59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?
idk i’d be like an npc just doing their weird thing on their own. i’ve never played pokemons unless you count pokemons Go but i think about the famed “i like shorts they’re comfy and easy to wear” npc kid. like, yeah. i feel the same. and would say similar bullshit nobody asked about
62. seven characters you relate to?
oh god.........recognizing the self through the relatable characters :|
well let’s just talk about the wrol roles right off b/c the characters that Most occupy my gay thoughts (which is to say: my general thoughts) will inevitably get priority when it comes to Remembering things
1) whom among us doesn’t relate to jared kleinman........will roland emerging from relative obscurity and coming for our entire fucking lives like the goddamn legend he is. it’s tough b/c it’s like, oh well alana is relatable too, so is evan unfortunately sorry evan, and in ways i might ~usually act~ like one of those two more than jared but. no. it is Jared who wins the relatability contest, and we all get to be beautifully haunted by it forever
2) leaning hard into winston even with the few glimpses of him b/c somehow will Cannot play an allistic cishet. and this is even More of a case where maybe i don’t much have winston’s demeanor.......even without winston being a beacon of confidence, he has more confidence lmao. and he has that ability to just Be Himself in a situation which, i wish i had that moxie lmao. i am a lot more [usually trying to be accommodating wayyyy harder than i should], booo......even though he’s clearly not great at conflict considering how it doesn’t take Too much to put him out, it’d be pretty impossible for me to be all “called them hacks and lame” or carry out a very irritated monologue in front of four people in the first place lmao. but who knows. and it’s more in the details of like, oh no winston’s the odd one out even though he hasn’t really Done Anything, but we all ~understand~ why he Deserves it.........his expectation / treating it basically as Fact that he will disappoint people.......the [weird] [offputting] behaviors and his way of speaking in What he Says and How He Says It seeming wrong to people.......like it’s only 15-ish min of content that we have here and we don’t have the least info about will’s own thoughts on the character but it’s like. how is this such an iconic Gay Autistic Quant b/c these vibes are so rare. and i appreciate that he can be ~difficult~ lmao. same with jared though i didn’t mention it. i can be difficult!! love it for us...
3) briony atkins from murder of bindy mackenzie as a character who Does act more like how i Usually Act Like lmao.....god we’re only on three i forgot there was seven of these. and yet i know there’s probably at least 2 dozen characters who could make this list and i just won’t think of most of them unless directly reminded......but anyways yeah i mean in person i mostly do Not want attention unless i feel comfortable enough / in my element or whatever. especially if it’d be some situation like “sitting in a group of randos” lol. i mean it depends b/c i also can sometimes be ~on~ in terms of Masking and trying to be like Haha I’m Social I’m Regular and i def engage in Nervous Chatter sometimes, but like, very often it’s like god don’t talk to me and i don’t want to talk either.....and then yeah people Will be surprised that like, idk, i’m opinionated as shit and idk that i Enjoy Things / Have Thoughts And Feelings coz the assumption i guess is that you must simply have nothing to say. so the dismissal of this person who seemingly has nothing to contribute and must be Boring rings true lmfao.....but then of course it’s also important that her personality Under that is the one getting mistaken for emily’s lol cuz yeah At Heart i am sure of that dramatic / intense / excitable type Sometimes. but it takes some excavation before i am like “oh i can engage in my actual self” and like weeks and months to get comfortable w/ people and i’m always suspicious that anyone actually would enjoy it and i’m not too much......i am a motormouth actually and have something to say about any and everything and like to Have Fun Here but like. idk i come off as boring and can be Notably Quiet lmao
4) oscar martinez from the office is weirdly [Haha Same] sometimes lmfao. sort of keeps to himself but also has to pipe up with Opinions and Pedantry and the kind of Drama of a restrained theatre gay. some deleted scene from an episode where during an interview clip of Jimothy in a theater lobby and you have oscar call from across the group in that [wearied Ugh God] way of ‘jim, they’re remaking ___’ while jim just kind of gives a cursory “wow gosh” or whatever and like, i sure don’t have lots of Theatre Opinions but that “oh jeez i have a Take on this and have to share it with someone” vibe is like hahaha yeah.....it’s funny in the “the gang goes to the ice rink for a third of the ep” bit where you just catch oscar doing [ice skating turn] with some solemn intensity.......the “here’s a question nobody’s asking: is this worth it” quote.........way at the end where there’s a whole deal with one of the indoor plants and he’s like “why is it a He” @ the collective gendering of the houseplant lmfao.......i love the one thing where he and pam and uhh toby right? have the Finer Things book club or whatever and jim wants to join just like ~ironically~ and pam has to tell him that oscar doesn’t want him to join b/c he’s not going to take it seriously and use it as a Jokes Vehicle. and then you get the scene at the end where jim Is basically doing that and they’re just like taking it out of him and oscar’s all very seriously like “did you get it all out of your system” lmfao like yeah, earnest members only lmao.....the thing where he gets mad at angela’s like Jazz Musician Posed Babies posters all “it’s kitsch it Destroys art” lmaoooo and in a totally different season all “this is the problem with debate” over the completely inconsequential “is [whichever actress, i forget] Hot” “”””debate””””.......the whole tendency to get involved and always have a take to get across.....opinionated-sometimes-to-the-point-of-petty central. also that he’s the canon gay, are there even any others? anyways and as the us office’s spiritual successor i’ll add on to this by uh what’s the name of billy eichner’s character on parks and rec? it’s craig right. that Self-Powered Intensity is very #me as well.
5) augh god........im like lmfao shit who represents my Hater Club side. hmmm. oh no wait you know what. totally different but i love Prof Beatrice Hotchkiss in the trt nancy drew pc game. she’s holed up in her room writing all the time and just is weird when you try to talk to her all like no i won’t open the door, bring me food, do this Research, bring me my Ski Boots i guess......and then when you do meet her it’s all at like post-midnight in the lounge and she’s all like, encouraging you as a Night Owl and your investigative curiosity and all and i’m like oh word yeah being up in the dead of night is the shit. she’s just weird and passionate and this is another character i might not Act hardly at all like but who i vibe with lmfao. hotchkiss was the supportive adult in my life
6) remembering how hotchkiss is a historian made me think of academia which made me think of like, once again with “these vibes are So So Rare” i really ought to put the wrol role of Nato on the list cuz like. that essential representation of “gets gr8 grades but isn’t really ~academic~ / doesn’t care about that and really just cares about Hanging W Friends and [real specific interests]” is like wow damn that’s the Mood. coz like to an extent i can always Relate to the ~overachiever~ types a la the [nerd character gets all-A’s and other nerd shit] deal, but there’s eventually the issue of like.....those characters like bindy mackenzies and alana becks Care about their achievements (not exclusively as some ppl would have it 9_9) and are Studious whereas i always hated school and was a godawful student in terms of Habits and always got good grades b/c the devil was with me or something and like people will think i must have tried real hard and dedicated myself to Academics and stuff and it’s like.........no................not at all hardly, sure i did my hw every night but at like 11:29 pm or studied for a midterm at lunch right before the class lol or flipped through a lil bit of the sat study guide the night prior.........the “low-effort dumbass who Academically Excels Anyhow” representation is so crucial like!! i run into a wall when it’s the Good Grades nerd character who is real studious and focused and stuff like. couldn’t be me. meanwhile the “naturally weird + probably some ‘deliberate’ weirdness” and “likes animals” and “most likely to just wanna Roll With It” and “shitty focus lol” and “non sequiturs” and “without [activity] i do nothing” is all like....ahahahohoho..........nato rly got to make this list. and honorable mention for Wrol Jeremy. again: whom doesn’t relate!!!!!!!!
7) damnit i know there’s So many answers to [characters i relate to] and whom cover like, more particular Facets here but i’m struggling lmao. Uh. like i’m like, who’s the Hot Mess / continually evolving disaster characters i vibe with......who’s the peak despresso detached Haters rep......who embodies the solo production lifestyle........dammit you know what lol i tend to Feel for like, the background ~nobodies~ who might just get like totally destroyed in some movie with life or death stakes just to like, show how much danger our heroes / Important Complex Protags are. same w/ jeremy not feeling like the Hero / the one who the story’s about / the cool guy / player 1 / etc etc etc i’m like oo i’d be the npc who doesn’t really do anything, i’d be the rando getting blown away in the background of someone else’s story. on a totally different note another shoutout / honorable mention to wybie from the coraline lmfao one of the best characters invented from thin air for an adaptation......tangentially relevant b/c he’s entirely here to support the protag / not his story at all, just here to help and prompt interactions / exposition really.......but love that [weird loner kid who’s best friend is a cat and annoys the other kid and doesn’t Get it and has specific interests and entertains himself and just is doing weird shit around here tf dude lmao killing it] like, #mood. #lifestyle. less dismal to relate to than the bg person who dies......his counterpart who totally dies is somewhat fleshed out / given Investment so it doesnt Really count as [background Nobody who’s really just fodder for “defining the stakes / threat level”] Character Concept
76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?
latkes maybe......Yummy
#i expect to now just think of like ten dozen Other Characters who would've been great to mention#c'est la vie!!! c'est comme ca!!!! speaking of. thinking of the hc that winston jsut. drops french phrases into his speech sometimes#building on the moi....tbt ur benston fic w quelle horreur.....#nothingunrealistic1
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I hope it’s ok to ask for advice but how do you stay motivated with an art blog? I always end up deleting 😭
SO I TYPED THIS UP IN MY NOTES APP BC THIS IS SUPER LONG BUT,,,
ANYHOW! Of course it’s okay! Don’t hesitate to ask anything 💖 I hope you don’t mind the late response, I wanted to take time to answer it because it’s something I really used to struggle with too!
I can only talk about what works for me personally, but I hope my way of thinking helps you out ;;;;
Anyways, first of all I would say: don’t give a shit! About anything or anyone! I also used to have an art blog before this one (that I deleted lol) but it was because I was really focused on trying to get notes and stuff that it completely made me not want to draw??? Or I was focused too much on trying to “find a style” or keep my art blog all consistent and nice. That really made me sad and just… not want to run an art blog. So I deleted. However, for this one, I literally just started it because I was bored one day during college and just wanted to start posting stuff again so I just??? Did??? And THEN I fell back into Naruto and it became like the only thing I drew, which really is where my blog started to grow!
At this point, as you can probably tell, I really… don’t care about much lol like at first I wanted to keep this an art only blog which… UM. YEAH… now I just kinda post anything I want? Even the random thoughts I have at 2AM that are probably really stupid in hind sight. But I think that’s okay actually! It lets other people know who you are better and also kinda gets rid of some boundaries where it allows other people to share their thoughts with you too! And then you make mutuals, then friends, and it’s all really fun lol
Also notes! I think that’s really what brings down a lot of artists. Because it shows that people are viewing your content and appreciating it! And it’s completely valid. Like you’re allowed to feel upset if something you worked really hard on doesn’t get the attention you want. And I fell into that a lot too! Like in the beginning when I posted my stuff (not on this one, but the blog I deleted) I’d probably get a single note or maybe 30 at most? And it really brought down my self confidence, thinking that maybe I really wasn’t good enough and no one liked my art. But that’s not true at all! It’s just very hard to get attention on a site that has millions of other talented people. You’re also VERY talented, it’s just a matter of finding your own audience, which comes in time! Like even now, yeah I have art that hit 2k+ notes, but I also have my fair share that still are in the single digits lol and at first I was still really disheartened by that, but now I’m more okay with it, because as I said, I’ve sorta stopped trying to focus on the notes part. Instead, I just try to post what I like, and what I think is good and if it doesn’t get that many notes, instead of dwelling on feeling bad I immediately hype myself up going like “ITS OKAY!!! There’s always next time!!!” And just draw the next idea I wanted to draw to get my mind off things. My motivator is usually myself and like just always having a next thing to draw lol. And if you can’t think of things to draw, just draw whatever! Like a stick figure, usually studies of things help a lot! From photographs or real life. It really sharpens up your skills 💖 and once you start mindlessly drawing, sometimes you start to just find love in what you’re doing and you find that in the end? It’s okay that your art didn’t maybe get enough notes, because YOU love it.
However, there are definitely times where that’s not the case, and it’s okay to let yourself be sad. Vent it out, even if it’s not art. I’ve just actually taken a nap sometimes when I felt too sad to do anything lol And then refresh!
Which leads to my second point! Draw what YOU love! There’s a lot of artists, me included, that try to draw things that are “in” or popular, in order to gain a following and that is completely okay!! However, for me I just couldn’t keep up with it and I just became overwhelmed with the plethora of other talented artists that were also drawing for that certain thing and instead fell back into self-doubt. As for this time though, I literally found that I couldn’t stop drawing Naruto lmao. Like I just have so many ideas I want to draw for the fandom and I found that since I’m passionate in it, others who are into it also just naturally fall into it! So if you enjoy it, that’s the best part for sure 💖
And like, if you find that you’ve run yourself dry of inspiration, reason, or love for drawing: take a break! I actually took a really long break from art one time (I mean like… a complete year I just didn’t draw anything omg) because my self-confidence had hit rock bottom. Instead, take time to seek out shows, books, nature walks, or just anything besides art to keep you occupied and one day the want to draw will just like… hit you. And when that feeling hits, draw! And if you like it post it! Start anew too if you feel like it! And if your next drawing inspiration doesn’t hit for awhile that’s okay too 💖 it can be really pressuring to feel like you need to keep posting art in order to keep your audience engaged but that will tire you out. Just post your best quality work that YOU love! And you’ll find that the fact that it getting not many notes or any of that other self-doubt thin that we artists usually have in common, start to fade away a little.
Also, be your own hype man!! Like you didn’t get enough notes?? Post again or reblog your post again and be like “HEY!! I DREW THIS!!!” Like there’s no shame in wanting validation for your work. And if you start feeling bad about the lack of audience just be your own #1 fan. It was like that for me for awhile too, because I started this blog only a few months ago?? And of course in the beginning it was just like me and my one (1) irl friend and I was just like hey I really like this thing I drew!! I’m gonna post it!!! And just kept doing that! Make your art be about YOU and what you love and motivation will naturally come to you! Also don’t hesitate to reach out to your friends to hype you up too. Like obviously, we can’t support ourselves 100% of the time, and during those times just take time to be with people who you know will give you love 💖
And if you do decide to start up and art blog please tell me (only if you want djfjsjdjjs) I’ll support you 💖 we artists gotta stick together since we’re always our worst critic 💪
#I HOPE THIS HELPS A LIL#;-;#if u have any other questions don't hesitate to ask!!#asks#long post#!!#graveyardbooks
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Ssh Agent For Mac Os X
I'm running Mac OS X, and it appears that after SSHing to several machines, using identity files, my 'ssh-agent' builds up a lot of identity / keys and then sometimes offers too many to a remote machine, causing them to kick me off before connecting:
Ssh-agent Mac Os X Keychain
Mac Restart Ssh Agent
Ssh Agent Mac Os X
Ssh Agent For Mac Os X 10.10
Received disconnect from 10.12.10.16: 2: Too many authentication failures for cwd
It's pretty obvious what's happening, and this page talks about it in more detail:
SSH servers only allow you to attempt
to authenticate a certain number of
times. Each failed password attempt,
each failed pubkey/identity that is
offered, etc, take up one of these
attempts. If you have a lot of SSH
keys in your agent, you may find that
an SSH server may kick you out before
allowing you to attempt password
authentication at all. If this is the
case, there are a few different
workarounds.
Mac OS X includes a command-line SSH client as part of the operating system. To use it, goto Finder, and selext Go - Utilities from the top menu. Then look for Terminal. Terminal can be used to get a local terminal window, and also supports SSH connections to remote servers. Given all of the above, especially if SIP prevents you from disabling this directly, I would probably attack it a different way. The first idea that comes to mind would be to write my own launchd plist and have it run on load to have it run the commands to automatically stop ssh-agent, and then see if you can then get oh-my-zsh to restart / control it. It's an old question but I recently ran into the same issue on my Mac running 10.12.6. The DISPLAY variable is not set in the terminal and ssh -X doesn't work. This is what I did that solved the problem: Reinstall XQuartz using Homebrew: brew cask install xquartz (the option -forced may be necessary) Add the XQuartz launcher to the system default (following the solution in this Reddit post.
I'm running Mac OS X, and it appears that after SSHing to several machines, using identity files, my 'ssh-agent' builds up a lot of identity / keys and then sometimes offers too many to a remote machine, causing them to kick me off before connecting. Received disconnect from 10.12.10.16: 2: Too many authentication failures for cwd.
Rebooting clears the agent and then everything works OK again. I can also add this line to my .ssh/config file to force it to use password authentication:
Anyhow, I saw the note on the page I referenced talking about deleting keys from the agent, but I'm not sure if that applies on a Mac since they appear to be cleared after reboot anyhow.
Is there a simple way to clear out all keys in the 'ssh-agent' (the same thing that happens at reboot)?
If you haven’t set up your YubiKey yet, this is a good place to start.
Evil Martians are growing. With more employees and more clients, there is a demand for stronger security. Our clients trust us with their source code and, even more importantly, with access to their production servers, and this trust cannot be broken. In a hostile environment of the modern web, though, it is easier said than done. A good old password, even coupled with a password manager, does not cut it anymore. The most obvious way to increase security is to opt for two-factor authentication (2FA) that is widely supported. Even without hardware keys, it makes an attacker’s job much harder than it used to be.
A sticky situation
We have enforced 2FA across all our staff for all the tools that we use daily: email, GitHub, task trackers, and others. By default, it involves requesting one-time access codes either by SMS/phone call or through a dedicated smartphone app. Cellular networks, however, are not the safest place: messages and calls can be intercepted. Opting for an app like Google Authenticator is more secure, but can also be compromised, at least in theory, if a smartphone that runs it is precisely targeted by an attacker.
So, can we do better? There exists an open authentication standard that aims to both strengthen and simplify 2FA.
Known as Universal 2nd Factor (U2F) and originally developed by Yubico and Google, it relies on physical devices (usually USB or NFC) that implement cryptographic algorithms on a chip, similar to smart cards that have been around for ages. You probably have at least few of those in your pockets: phone SIM, bank cards, various IDs and the like.
Now, instead of confirming your access with some code, you need to insert a USB stick into your computer, press the physical button on it, and the device will take care of the rest. Authenticating with U2F is already supported by major browsers (the only notable exception, sadly, is Safari) and you can use it with many online services that software professionals use daily: Google and Gmail, Dropbox, GitHub, GitLab, Bitbucket, Nextcloud, Facebook, and the list goes on.
The advantages of a hardware solution are obvious: a possibility of a remote attacker gaining access to one of your tools is pretty much eliminated. The attacker needs to physically get a hold of your USB key, which is still a security risk, but in an entirely different domain.
There is a number of vendors that sell USB keys, and we chose Yubico and their YubiKey 4 series. They are versatile, compact and can either be carried around on a keychain or, for smaller models, stay in the USB slot of your laptop all the time. There are also USB-C models for newer Macs, so you don’t need dongles. Besides implementing U2F, YubiKey 4 series supports various security standards:
Smart card PIV
Authenticating online with U2F works out of the box on Linux, macOS, and Windows and in all major browsers. However, if you want to use your YubiKey for SSH connections, things quickly get less straightforward.
Sticks and Macs
We do have our fair share of Linux users, but the instructions we offer further are for macOS only, as replacing default ssh-agent with a gpg-agent on a system level is a Mac-specific problem.
A Mac is a computer of choice for most of us at Evil Martians. We also use SSH all the time: while pushing code to GitHub or accessing remote servers. As all our employees work remotely from their private machines, contents of their ~/.ssh folders should never be allowed to leak. Common security measures, like the hard drive encryption, are always in order, but with YubiKeys already being used for U2F, would not it be better to store RSA keys for SSH on them too, and off the computer?
Ssh-agent Mac Os X Keychain
As YubiKey already supports OpenPGP, we can use it as the OpenPGP card with all the benefits:
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Once RSA keys are put on a card, they cannot be retrieved programmatically in any way.
Keys written to a card can only be used in combination with a PIN code, so even if a YubiKey is stolen, a thief would not be able to authenticate directly.
To set up YubiKey as a smart-card holding your PGP keys, you need first to replace your ssh-agent that comes pre-installed with macOS with a GnuPG solution. The easiest way to do it is directly from Terminal with Homebrew:
If you want to install a full GPG Suite that includes GUI applications, you can run another command (requires Homebrew Cask), or download it from the website:
At the time of this writing, the most recent version of gpg is 2.2.X. Let’s double-check, just to be sure:
Many guides out there tell you how to install YubiKey with gpg 2.0.X, and there has been a lot of significant changes since then. We recommend updating, and that should also be done with caution: backup your ~/.gnupg directory before making any changes!
Important!Now you need to either generate your PGP keys directly on the YubiKey or create them locally and copy over. There is an official guide for that, as well as a more evolved instruction on GitHub from the user drduh.
After all that is done, you need to enable your SSH client (the built-in Terminal app, for instance) to read PGP keys directly from YubiKey. It is time to say goodbye to a built-in ssh-agent that have served you well before.
Insert a YubiKey holding a PGP key in your computer and run the following commands; they will launch a gpg-agent and instruct your applications to use a new SSH authentication socket:
If everything went well, you should see that your private RSA key is now in fact located on a YubiKey (it has a unique cardno), the output of an ssh-add -l should resemble this:
Congratulations, you are done! This changes will not persist, however.
As soon as you reload your system, or even switch to a new console window, this setup will go away.
Let’s see how we can make it permanent.
Making things stick
The first thing that comes to mind when changing any shell-related setup is to change the local profile, be it ~/.bash_profile or ~/.zsh_profile (if you don’t know what type of shell you have, most likely you have bash, it comes by default with macOS). Open that file in an editor and add:
Now every time you launch a console, it will know how to SSH properly. If you live in a shell, use Vim or Emacs to write your code and were never tempted with GitHub’s visual features, you are all set.
However, if you use an IDE or one of those modern text editors with integrated GitHub functionality, such as Atom or Visual Studio Code? Those applications are not concerned with your shell setup and will still use system defaults for SSH, which is not what we want since we store all our keys securely on a YubiKey.
“But before we dealt with gpg, we did not need to set up anything, and everything worked!” you might say, and you would be right: macOS takes care of all that with a built-in service-management framework called launchd. You can read more about it by running man launchd, but you don’t have to.
You only need to know that launchd deals with so-called “property lists”. These are XML files with a .plist extension that define services to be launched and their launch options. They are located in the following directories:
~/Library/LaunchAgents for per-user agents provided by the user.
/Library/LaunchAgents for per-user agents provided by the administrator.
/Library/LaunchDaemons for system-wide daemons provided by the administrator.
/System/Library/LaunchAgents for per-user agents provided by macOS.
/System/Library/LaunchDaemons for system-wide daemons provided by macOS.
Let’s do some digging and look for anything SSH-related. Here it is, right in a /System/Library/LaunchAgents/com.openssh.ssh-agent.plist:
Without diving into much detail, we see that this is how macOS makes ssh-agent a default utility for SSH authentication.
Unfortunately, we cannot edit this file directly, as anything located in a /System folder is protected from tampering by a macOS feature called System Integrity Protection. There is a way to disable it, but you don’t want to do that. Apple folk came up with it for a reason.
A stickler for detail
Nothing prevents us from writing our own .plist though! All these XMLs will be treated as instructions for launchd, so this is our chance to circumvent ssh-agent once and for all!
First of all, let’s read man gpg-agent and learn what GnuPG agent for Mac is capable of:
Mac Restart Ssh Agent
It can become a daemon and live in the background with the --daemon option.
There is a --supervised option designed for systemd which makes the gpg-agent wait for a certain set of sockets and then access them through file descriptors.
A --server option allows our agent to hook onto the TTY and listen for text input, without opening any sockets.
Unfortunately, launchd only tracks processes that run in the foreground, and neither --supervised, nor --server will do us any good. So, the best way to launch an agent is by using the same command that we used before: gpgconf --launch gpg-agent. Let’s express it in launchd-compatible XML:
Now save it as homebrew.gpg.gpg-agent.plist and put it into ~/Library/LaunchAgents folder. To test that it all works (you won’t have to do it after restart), tell launchd to load a new plist:
Now let’s make sure that the agent is loaded:
A digit in the launchctl list output shows the exit status of a launched program, and 0 is what we want to see. pgrep confirms that we are in fact up and running.
Ssh Agent Mac Os X
However, we are not done yet. We still need to point SSH_AUTH_SOCK environment variable to $HOME/.gnupg/S.gpg-agent.ssh. The problem is that the variable is already set (user-wide) by the launchd default setting for ssh-agent.
At this moment, I have nothing better in mind than the following “hack”: forcibly symlink gpg-agent’s socket to the default one, stored in an SSH_AUTH_SOCK variable. The power of Unix allows us to do that, but that effectively messes up the default SSH configuration. However, as we are now using GnuPG for everything SSH-related, that should not be a problem. If you have better ideas, please contact me on Twitter.
We can create another plist that will do all necessary symlinking on login.
The only trick here is to call the shell directly, with /bin/sh (so we can reference shell variables), and pass a command to it. Now, save the file as ~/Library/LaunchAgents/link-ssh-auth-sock.plist and load it with launchd.
Let’s test the result:
Bingo! Our macOS is now effectively tricked into thinking that it deals with ssh-agent, even though it’s the gpg-agent doing authenticating and reading PGP keys directly from your YubiKey.
All you need to do know to authenticate over SSH in a true hardware fashion is to turn on your laptop, put a stick in the USB and push a button on it. Your Mac is now completely secure!
Still stuck?
There is another problem you may encounter when you start using YubiKey as an OpenGPG card. Our gpg-agent sometimes get stuck, and it looks like a YubiKey is not connected at all, replugging it also does nothing. It is a known problem, discussed here.
My observations show that it appears after I put my laptop to sleep. Let’s deal with that too.
First, we need a tool that keeps track when our laptop wakes up: sleepwatcher is made just for that. Install it with Homebrew:
By default, it expects two scripts: ~/.sleep to run before the computer goes to sleep, and ~/.wakeup to run after it wakes up. Let’s create them.
The minimal ~/.sleep script can look like this (we only need to be sure it passes as a shell script)
In ~/.wakeup we will forcibly restart our gpg-agent:
Now we need to add execution flags and enable sleepwatcher’s service:
Ssh Agent For Mac Os X 10.10
Thank you for reading! Download find my mac for mac. In this article, we showed how to set up your SSH authentication flow with YubiKey as an OpenPGP card and how to make your gpg-agent play nicely with macOS. Now all you need to do to access a server or push code to a remote repository is to insert a stick into your USB and enter a PIN code when requested. Passphrases no longer required!
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Spirits and Energy
Were you listening to the last post? Probably not but that's ok!
Yes, I know that the first post was a little much for a first-timer, but I told you my life is crazy and having this as an outlet is absolutely refreshing. Even if no one is listening.
As I waited a week to receive my beautiful baby girl. Well, maybe not a full week. She passed on a Monday and I received her by Friday. Not bad. Not bad.
After my baby passed the house was not the same. Not in the way of emptiness but in the way of quietness. I never thought a little 10-pound kiki can make so much noise and bring so much life to the house. The first couple of days were rough.....SHIT, what am I saying!? The whole damn week was absolutely miserable. I cried a lot. Like a lot, a lot!
You have to remember that his kiki was with me for so long. She did everything with me. She would ride in her stroller or walk on a leash like a dog. She would be Mrs. Queen and be so picky about her wet cat food and treats. Heaven forbid she didn't have any gravy in the wet cat food. And the treats! Don't get me started on the treats. We tried everything from the most expensive to the cheap shit. Well Queen CC girl lovvvvved Friskies. The cheap shit, but she needed the best shit for her wet cat food. She ruled my life. If she could boss me around and tell me what to do in English I would listen to her over my mother any day. That's how much I loved her.
Anyhow, I'm getting off-topic. Story of my freaking life.
So she passed Monday and I started to notice little things here and there. We have a kiddy gate in our house that leads from the living room to the hallway that leads to the bedrooms and the rest of the house. We have to have that due to our Aussie puppy who is a pain in the ass. He's really not but he's a puppy and getting into everything is his full-time job. Well, the sweet girl had to stay on one side of the gate sometimes because of the damn dog. So normally she would do her squeak so I knew that she was ready to come out and play. The majority of the time I would hear her when I was in the kitchen cooking. Keep that in mind.
Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were rough. But as I was in the kitchen doing womanly shit it was quiet. Quiet enough to hear any and every noise the house makes. As I was standing there, I swear by the whole entire self that I heard her meow. I didn't just hear it one time, I heard it once every day for those 3 days. Just yesterday I thought I heard it again. So there is that...
Here comes the weird part...well to me it is. So I'm a weirdo and definitely believe in spirits and energy. So I downloaded this App on Apple. Yes, I know it's an app but like my Virgo self would say, do your research first. So I did. I found this app that has awesome reviews so I thought I would give it a shot.
They say that spirits have an easier time contacting you with some form of energy source. This app is programmed with 350 words so it picks up what it can. I knew I was probably messing with something that I didn't know would be my kiki or something I shouldn't have invited in. I opened the app and decided to try it. Weird I know but my first use was in the bathroom. She loved to sit by the shower and wait for me to be done. I didn't get much. I moved to the spare room where she spent her last few days with us. The energy was crazy. The energy meter was spiking where she laid and two words came out. Sacrifice and Burning.
EXCUSE ME!? Those were not the words I thought I would hear right off the back. Sacrifice? what does that mean? Burning? does she know she was cremated instead of buried like her dad? So needless to say that had my mind just spinning.
I thought I would try it again the next day. There was one word that pooped up but for the life of me, I can't remember it. It probably wasn't that important.
I picked her up on Friday after I received the call that she was ready to go. I dropped all my things, got in the truck, and raced to feel or sense my princess one more time. I picked her up, gave some hugs- yes Karen it's covid but don't start with me, and took her to see her dad. I didn't know that they put a screw in the wooden box so you can't really open it without a screwdriver. I couldn't let her ashes go with her father like I would have liked to but that's ok. I wanted to spend as much time with her fully before I let some of her go. I balled my eyes out and kissed her daddy's headstone.
I brought her home and one more time I decide to use the app so I could connect with her. I hadn't even had it opened but a few minutes. The two words that came out are....are you ready!?
CRYING and FATHER
What!? if that doesn't hit the whore on the head in church then I don't know what does. I lost my shit. I cried even harder and was more kinda happy she knew where my heart was. Then I got this funny feeling that maybe I was messing with an energy that I shouldn't have. So I deleted the app and took those few words I received as closure.
I miss my kiki more than life itself but I am beyond happy to know that she will be there in heaven when I arrive. I can't wait to smooch her again.
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A short story collection featuring stories that are either mean and ugly like that turd that thudded you in school, or sweet and cuddly as a little gloomy kitten; or puppy if you’re more of a dog person.
Stories Christians don't have to read backwards. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08LGB4HGN/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_UIpaGb2VC4BBX
Here’s a free short.
WAP: WEIRD ASS PHANTOM
“There’s a ghost in this house. There’s a ghost in this house.”
Linda was getting tired of the shit. Every day at exactly noon her alarm would play this shitty overdubbed version of a Cardi B song. The original song wasn’t her cup of tea to begin with, this new version that sounded like drunk karaoke was even worse. Most times she would be sitting there and the sound of a drunk sorority girl would make her jump out of her skin. She couldn’t even find the song or alarm in her phone to do anything about it.
Linda and her girlfriend, Melissa, moved into this old house last month, the rent was so damn cheap; landlord said it was because it used to be a party house so he never charged much. The logic didn’t make any sense but at $300 a month and a mile outside of town, how were they not going to sign that lease?
“I think,” spoke Melissa one night while watching her phone float around taking pictures in the air, “the reason rent is so cheap is because it’s haunted.”
“You think?” Replies Linda while snatching the phone out of the air. “I just wish this damn ghost would stop posting pictures of our bedroom to our Instagram accounts. Did you see the caption last night?”
“Oh you mean ‘Pumpkin spice is almost here. Basic bitches, rejoice!’ The comma is what set me off. Why did she put a comma in that? Why bother? It wasn’t even used correctly I don’t believe.”
“We’re being haunted by a basic bitch.”
“I think that may be offensive.”
“I hear it all the time, it just...... yeah ok maybe. I guess I shouldn’t assume this ghost is a bad stereotype, I won’t say it again.”
“True, this girl may have more going for her than just these annoying social media posts from our accounts”
“Remember the mirror though?”
Last week as the couple were eating dinner they heard a clatter and crash from the upstairs bathroom. Running full speed ahead up the stairs and around the corner Linda saw all their makeup in a pile in the empty sink. She could see a pair of red lipsticked lips floating in the air while eyeliner was seemingly drawn onto the air in a cat eye shape. She sighed and said “What now?” These types of things had been going on since the first night so at this point it was old hat.
The lipstick went to the mirror and wrote “I am finally going to kill you.” Linda took a step back prepared to flee until the lipstick wrote below it “JK LOL YOUR FACE” and then the face floated off into the wall leaving behind the makeup like some sort of painting.
The first time anything strange had happened, a pizza showed up at the front door; delivery for an Amanda Perkins. The girl who moved out recently, they took the pizza because it was already paid for and assumed the girl had made a mistake. They were sure of this as they sat and watched old re-runs of home improvement and munched away; then they noticed the slice floating over in the air above the recliner and the chewed up pile on the seat. They screamed and ran outside, Melissa forgot her phone inside and Linda’s made a ding from inside her pocket.
“Hey I know this is really weird, it’s weird AF for me too. We can make it work though, ladies. I swear I won’t bother you, I already cleaned up my mess.”
They inched inside looking around like scared toddlers and sure enough the mess was cleaned up. After that they just rolled with the weirdness.
“Are you sure Amanda left, Mr. Morris?” Linda was on the phone with the landlord.
“Yes. Positive. Why would you think she still lived there?”
“There’s been..... some things.”
“Drunk college girl, she probably stumbled home one night and forgot she went home for the summer. Its no deal. Not big or small.”
“Are you absolutely positive there is no deal? Big, small, medium, or slightly larger than medium but not quite large?”
“What do you think? I know her ex and he killed her and then buried her body in the basement so now her ghost is haunting you. This is why I charge so cheap rent! No. I don’t believe what you think. I will be going.”
He hung up without ever realizing Linda never once mentioned any of that other stuff. Linda thought, Why does he talk like that?
Turned out that’s exactly what had happened. After doing a quick google of the ghosts name they found out she never came home. After a quick Facebook search they found her ex boyfriends page. After some scrolling they found a post that said “Amanda and I broke up again and I am going to kill her.” The post had six likes and four comments.
“Get her bro!”
“Bitch ain’t appreciate you anyhow bet!”
“U need any ting lemme no”
“Fuk gr8 ass tho. Mind if I hit her up?”
These people were insane. Did not a single one of these people see the part about wanting to kill her? Actually PLANNING to kill her.
The police found it interesting enough to look into it, they found reason to arrest the guy. After a long court trial Amanda’s ex-boyfriend, Brent, was sentenced to life in prison for murder. The body was exhumed and buried at a family plot. The rent got more expensive because Mr. Morris was in prison for helping cover a murder so his aunt took over.
You win some you lose some.
Amanda did not leave though. The ghost hung out still to this day four months later. The social media posts kept going. The pizzas kept getting ordered, only now from their pockets because Amanda’s parents closed her bank account. Amanda was irritated about that, she was cut off from her parents money and stuck living with two other people.
Linda and Melissa tried to make her feel as comfy as possible, they left a pen and notebook in each room so she could communicate with them. Usually the notes were always about how bored she was being a ghost and how if she tried to leave the house it got all bright and she started floating. Amanda was “for real afraid of flying” as she wrote on a notebook.
Amanda’s behavior got strange at some point. She began doing things like drawing stick figures on the bathroom floor in shampoo, she would wrap herself in toilet paper and roll down the stairs creating the illusion of her body disappearing, the worst of it was when she would lay in bed with Linda and Melissa startling them when she pulled the blanket. It was like living with an invisible insane person. Either her mind was slipping or she was just a strange character. She would turn the TV on and watch the same episode of “King of Queens” for ten hours straight while they were at work. They wondered what would happen if they deleted it from the DVR but didn’t want to face that at all.
The alarm kept going off too; Linda had to hand out awkward smiles and apologies when it happened at work or in public. One time she had to apologize to a middle aged woman when it went off in the cereal aisle while shopping and her son started singing the lyrics to the original version as loud as his voice would allow. The mother gasped at all the words her kid knew and knocked a shelf of maple syrup over. The bottles burst all over the floor, Linda tried to help clean it up but she was shooed away by a guy with a mop bucket and a face that said he wanted her dead as shit.
They asked her multiple times what they could do to get her to move along, to which she would always write “sno-cone” on her notebook with no explanation.
Linda woke up sick on a Tuesday and didn’t go to work, she came into the bathroom and seen a note written in lipstick on the mirror that read “Baby, all my life I will be driving home to you.” She blushed, Melissa had left her a really sweet note on the mirror. When Melissa got home she surprised her with a bout of some of the best sex they had ever had, despite Linda being sick she felt overcome with love for her partner.
“Wow. What did I do to deserve that?” Asked Melissa after.
“The note.”
“Oh yes. The note, got you good with that one. So, if it was so good mind telling me what it said?”
“You know what it said!”
“Of course I do.”
She didn’t know what it said. She had no clue, but she wasn’t going to raise a stink about what just happened. No way, no how. She got up and went to use the restroom, as she sat on the toilet she looked up and saw the words on the mirror.
“LINDA!” She yelled. “I DIDNT LEAVE THAT! THATS THE GODDAMN LYRICS FROM THE THEME SONG FOR ‘THE KING OF QUEENS!’”
Linda didn’t know what to say; she shook her head and internally accepted defeat on this one. The couple didn’t talk about it again, the ends justified the means on this one they silently agreed; thanks Amanda.
The trio had carried on life like this for months, seven to be exact, when they heard a bang and a crash from the front door. Assuming this was yet again Amanda doing some goofy nonsense they ran downstairs to clean up the mess only to find a man standing their pointing a shotgun at them.
“You’re the dykes who got me locked up, aintcha?” Said a freshly broke out of prison Brent. “You know, usually I’m cool with like loving whoever and like rights and like equality and shit but tonight is not your night. Go sit.”
They were tied together on the couch while Brent sat channel flipping on the TV.
“Amanda is still here,” spoke Linda “she’s a ghost, at some point she’s going to help us and you’ll probably get hurt. She’s probably posting pictures on Instagram right now so she’s a little busy, but I promise when she finds out she’ll come running.”
“No she won’t.”
“Ok? So you think her post is going to get a ton of likes then?”
“She’s afraid of me.”
“Ugh are you generic ‘I beat my girlfriend’ guy number seventy or not?”
“Not.”
“Then why is she afraid of you?”
“I’m bigger than her…… I guess?”
“She’s a ghost.”
“I’m still bigger.”
“How can you be bigger than an incorporeal being with no mass or weight?”
“See, she doesn’t way anything.”
“You didn’t think any of this through did you?”
“Not one bit.”
“It shows. Why did you kill her?”
“Hey I’ve never been what you’d call a planner. I killed her because she broke up with me for the fiftieth time that year and all my friends were giving me a hard time about how I would just crawl back to her. I said ‘can’t crawl back to her if I kill her!’ They all thought it was funny so I did it.”
“Ah………Makes perfect sense to me.”
“A guy has to watch his reputation, right?”
They sat there watching late night infomercials in silence for another half hour. Linda nudged Melissa as she seen a phone floating around taking pictures of a floating can of soup.
Of all the ghosts in the world, why was theirs like this?
“Brent, there’s some stuff on the DVR” Linda told him.
“Good I hate infomercials. Oh yuck, ‘The King of Queens.’ I hate that show, Amanda loved it. That fat fucking heifer guy gets to make it with that babe every night. Fucking loser ass UPS guy”
They could see the phone slowly lower and start hovering towards Brent. They let him rant.
“And that Deacon guy, what a fucking idiot, he leaves his wife at one point which is silly because she’s so fucking hot.”
The can of soup hovered behind him.
“That guy that dates the ugly chick from the bowling alley, now I can’t tolerate him at all.”
The soup can shook with rage.
“He ends up living with the other guy right? Like what the fuck? Are they like a thing or not a thing? I didn’t pay enough attention. I did pretend to though to get some action every now and again, show fucking sucks though. Here I’ll do you guys a favor.”
As he deleted the episode from the DVR the can came slamming down into his head.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again.
They heard a voice yell “MY BONES ARE GETTING WEARY! MY BACK IS GETTING TIGHT!” As the can of cream of chicken turned Brent’s head into cream of Brent’s brains.
After the violence stopped the notebook hovered in front of them and said “Sorry, I was on TikTok, I’ll clean this up tho.”
Much like the first night that’s exactly what happened. They were untied and they watched as the mess was cleaned up. Brent’s body floated over to the ground and the can of soup was laid on the table. The phone floated over to Melissa who dialed 911.
After the legal mess was cleaned up they decided that having Amanda around maybe was not such a bad idea. No one could really kill them, it was like having a built in security system. They did eventually add a third line to their cell plan and let her set up social media for herself as a reclusive twenty something who couldn’t leave the house due to a skin condition.
Her pages were ok, they didn’t get much interaction or followers but Amanda was happy. Sometimes people would say they wanted to hang out with her because they lived close, Amanda just said her skin condition was contagious AF. No one ever thought to say “Hey, what exactly IS your medical condition?” People could be so polite sometimes.
Christmas morning as they all opened gifts Linda and Melissa cried as Amanda opened the complete series collection of “The King of Queens.” The three sat on the couch together that evening and watched all of season one.
Baby all my life I will be driving home to you.
The next day they heard a familiar song. Together they both smiled and thought that yes, there was a ghost in this house.
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The Black Box Readings - Ep 3 Transcript
Here’s the transcript for episode 3 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down.
See Other Episodes
An: Hey, all! And welcome back to The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. So episode one released and I was very happy with how people responded to it. I got a lot of messages saying how raw the experience was, or how happy they were to have the chance to listen to a queer experience. Usually it was from queer people, but sometimes it wasn’t!
Though responses were positive for the most part, the podcast did get some negative attention too. Ignoring all the stuff that wasn’t constructive, there were two main criticisms of the show. The first was actually surrounding its premise. People were concerned that it was unethical to put something that was deleted back onto the internet. Even if it wasn’t deleted, isn’t it essentially stealing to use it in a podcast like this? Ok, so I understand the concerns and I guess I wasn’t clear enough to begin with. I received permission from the original author of the material to use it any way I’d like. Probably something I should have said originally, and I’m sorry that I didn’t. As for whether or not I’m just copying someone else’s work, I believe that The Black Box Readings count as a transformative work, and therefore it’s protected under fair use. There’s more than enough “Me” in this podcast that it’s really become something more than just the original “text”.
The other problem some people had with the podcast was that Emmy didn’t seem like a trans girl at all to them, and they felt like I was grasping at straws in my explanations pointing out trans aspects. Well, I do understand that there isn’t anything that outright says Emmy is trans within her posts in the first two episodes. But what you have to remember is that I actually knew her, and even though it’s sort of a spoiler for this episode, she did come out as trans on her blog. Look, I’m trying to present the posts I chose in chronological order to make a coherent narrative. Even so, it felt too weird to hide Emmy’s identity until this episode, when that’s largely the reason I’m doing this podcast in the first place.
So with all that aside, I’d like to get into the episode proper! Today’s episode is largely a feel-good one. It’s got a lot of positive energy, and focuses on the budding relationship between Emmy and EmeraldSkies. In case you don’t remember, the two of them met playing Overwatch and became fast friends. At this point, Emmy has been posting about their interactions on her blog, and it’s official now that Emmy has a crush. *laughs* it was really cute to watch her navigate through her feelings, but I didn’t want this episode to be… you know, two hours long, so I’ve come up with a few posts that best illustrate an already-established connection. To start us off, here’s one entitled:
“I Told Her
I know I talk about her a lot, but -”
Oh, *Laugh* I guess it happened again. She used EmeraldSkies real name, and I’m really not comfortable saying it in the podcast for privacy reasons. Let’s see, given that EmeraldSkies is Latina, let’s go with Selena, like our favorite wizard from Waverly Place. *laughs*
“I know I talk about her a lot, but Selena is just so cool! I’m sorry if it’s getting annoying to anyone, but I’m not going to hide how I feel either. This is my Tumblr, after all, I can post what I want. Anyway, today I finally told her I was deaf, and that’s the reason we don’t do voice chat. She understood completely, and told me that voice chat wasn’t something she liked doing in the first place. Ahhh, She’s so cool! I’m lucky to have her in my life! I was so scared that she’d see me as weird or broken or something, that’s the usual reaction I get anyhow. But not with her! I’m so happy right now!
Selena has been continuing to share her poetry with me, it’s really good! I feel so at home reading it. It’s such a personal look into her soul, I’m glad she doesn’t feel too vulnerable letting me read it. It’s especially helpful that it’s a medium I can fully understand. Honestly, I sometimes feel a little lost when watching tv, even with captions on. It’s sort of an incomplete experience, you know?”
I find the sort of “sorry, not sorry” attitude Emmy has here to be a big step up from previous ones. She exudes a bit of confidence here, not caring if people unfollow her because she’s talking about a crush. It’s nice to see Selena bring that out in Emmy. It’s also really heartwarming that Emmy didn’t receive the usual reaction she says she gets when telling people about her disability. Selena seems like a very accepting and kind person, and I think Emmy deserves that in her life. Also, I want to point out that Selena is averse to using voice chat. There’s a reason for that, and you’ll probably be able to guess it by the end of the episode.
Also, Selena is an amateur poet! I feel I should point that out, because it’s immediately relevant in our next post, which is Emmy talking about a poem that Selena wrote especially for her.
We don’t get the poem itself, just Emmy’s interpretation of it, which does give us a fair bit of insight on to what the poem might have been like.
The post is called:
“She wrote a poem for me??
I’m so excited you guys, you have no idea! Selena wrote me a poem! And I’m swept off my feet by it. She says it was nothing, but I don’t think so! She called it “Flowers Down by the Lake” and it’s beautiful! Like, I don’t want to read into it too hard, but I think this means she likes me back?? And not just because it’s a poem that she wrote for me, but because of what’s IN the poem, guys!
It’s about two flowers that are more beautiful not in spite of how they’ve been damaged, but because of it. And how they’re both really different, but they’re even more beautiful because they’re side by side. So. Fucking. Romantic! I love this poem, it gives me so many feels.
Maybe there’s something to this whole ‘fate’ thing after all”
Before getting into the meat of this post, I’d like to touch on the last line. This is where Emmy first publicly posts about the idea of fate starting to appeal to her, though I imagine that she has been playing around with the idea of it for a while now. I’m not personally sure I believe in fate myself, so *sigh* I’m not entirely sure why this seems so important to me? So, I like to look at the universe as truly random, and because of that, two people finding each other amongst that randomness is the most beautiful thing imaginable. So whether it was just the randomness of the Overwatch matchmaking system, or fate itself that brought these two together, I think that’s something really special.
Anyways, I’ve never gotten the chance to actually read this poem, but it sounds pretty spectacular. The message that Emmy sees is one that we can all take to heart. All of you are beautiful in your own way, and it’s in part because of what you’ve been through. You’ve been shaped by your hardships in a way that makes you more of a person, and the people around you that are enriching to your lives help you to “bloom”, so to speak.
Although I am partial to getting all sappy with you folks, we do have an episode to get through, and so we’ll be moving on to our next post.
And what a post it will be! This is for sure the most important post in this episode, perhaps the most important one so far. I alluded to it in the beginning of the episode, and I’m really excited to finally share it with you all. I can’t hype it up enough, but I am certainly trying *laughs*. It’s called:
“I Have Something To Tell You
I don’t want to waste any time, so I’m just going to come out and say it: I’m a trans girl! If you don’t know what I mean, it’s kind of hard to explain, but I’ll try to.
“Trans” is short for transgender, which means that I don’t identify with my birth sex as my gender. So I was born a boy, but I feel like a girl on the inside. Gender is just different than sex. Period. It’s complicated, I know, since we use similar words to talk about them, but it’s true.
Growing up, I didn’t have a lot of interactions with kids my age, because I was homeschooled. A lot of interactions were through reading books. I found myself enthralled with stories about girls, but less interested in stories about boys. When I did read stories about boys, I’d latch onto female secondary characters and see the world through them. Some examples of female characters I saw myself as are: Clary from Mortal Instruments, Katniss from Hunger Games, and even Hermione from Harry Potter.
When it came to video games, I found myself picking female characters when given the choice. I even do it in Overwatch! I’m a Mercy main, after all.
I used to tell myself that it was because the books were just that good, or because the video game characters were cute, but I see now that was only half of the truth. It’s really because I saw myself in those characters, that’s the kind of soul I have, you know?
There are other, more private reasons surrounding my body I won’t get into here, as well.
I guess I realized what I was feeling because, well, Selena is a trans girl too! I guess I found out when we decided to swap pictures of what we both looked like. She prefaced her’s by saying that she might look a little boyish, and that’s because she’s trans! I was happy that she felt close enough to me that she could share that, since she’s more private about this sort of thing than I’m being. I’ve never met a trans girl before, especially not in real life, so that’s why it took me so long to figure out. Plus my Dad is very “traditional”, so I’ve been conditioned to hide who I am throughout the years. I doubt he’d embrace me as his daughter with open arms, so for now, it’s a secret I’m keeping from him. If he thinks I’m going to go to hell for it, then fuck him. I don’t care what he thinks about me anymore.
Thank you for reading to the end of this post! I hope I made sense.”
So there we have it, official word from Emmy that she is trans. Not only that, but Selena is trans too! There’s a lot to unpack here, so we should get started. She gives a good explanation of what being transgender means for her, even if it contains a few pieces of old language, like being “born a boy.” It’s generally best not to say that about someone else, fair warning. It’s good that she had that sort of “aha” moment when Selena explained what transgender means.
For me, my Aha moment was in the form of a rather… outdated term, I think it was “Male identified lesbian.” *laughs* Ohh, well… I guess I had some suspicions about myself, and so I did some googling. And I found this term that sounded so much like me. It had a bunch of bullet points like, attracted to lesbians, identifies with women over men, stuff like that. It was actually kind of problematic, looking back because it was really steeped in men sexualizing lesbians, but it was a stepping stone for me when I was 20ish. I don’t think that website is still there all these years later
Definitely something that I did when I was younger that affirms my trans identity looking back was wearing dresses. Not an Aha moment in the slightest, though. Well not for me, but probably for my friends *laughs* When I was 14, my friends put together a murder mystery party. It was a pre-written story, and there were roles to assign to everyone. And I got assigned the mother of the victim. My friends just thought of me and said, you know what would really suit An? Playing a woman. Heh, And I rocked it, too. It helped that one of my friends brought a dress for me to borrow during the party. Though I wore it so well and was obviously so confident wearing it, that she let me keep it. I’d use that same dress to play a woman again in a play, but maybe that’s a story for another time.
Back on track, Emmy talks about playing video games as female characters being a big indicator looking back, and I really feel that one. I remember specifically choosing Talim and Tira from Soul Calibur all the time and being like, it’s obviously because they’re fast characters, and that’s just my playstyle. But naw, it largely had to do with me seeing myself a certain way. Like, I remember specifically one time I looked at my stats in Left 4 Dead, a game I played all together too much of, and noticed that I picked Zoe to play as like, 80% of the time? Like there’s 4 characters to choose from, all the same stat-wise, and I picked the girl more often than not. It sort of shook me to my core when I realized this, but I didn’t know what it really meant until a few years later.
Also, to preemptively answer any concerns about Emmy realizing she’s trans because of someone else, don’t worry. I don’t think she’s like, copying Selena’s identity to fit in or something like that. The thing is… seeing a trans person as just that - a person - can be a trigger to figuring out who you really are. Like, this was the case for my ex who I was dating at the time I was finally able to call myself a woman. No name change, no pronoun change, or anything like that, but I had admitted it out loud by then. It sort of had a reaction in him to call himself gender fluid, and I think that was really important for him. In this case, it was a stepping stone to realizing that he was a trans man, but that’s still valid, right? It’s ok to change your identity as you learn more about yourself. Labels can change over time. For Emmy, Selena was probably the first instance of positive representation that she ever saw. Anyways, even though my relationship kind of exploded, I talked with him at a later date, and we expressed how important being instantly supportive was to each other. We lost contact since, but I honestly hope he’s doing alright out there.
That’s probably enough about me, sorry. *laughs* This post just sort of pulls it all out of me, you know?
Either way, we should probably get back to the posts at hand so we can end this episode in a reasonable timeframe. So I messaged Emmy to congratulate her, and I know she probably saw it, because she references something very similar to what I wrote to her in her next post. I don’t remember what exactly what I sent, just that at the time, I recognized what I sent in her wording. Also in the post, there’s another section that reminds me of the frequently asked questions about being disabled. Though this time around… well we’ll talk about it after I read it to you.
“Thank you and Fuck you!
Sorry not sorry about the title, but don’t worry, you know which one you are if you recently sent me a DM. First of all, thank you for all the kind and supportive words you all had to say! Coming out is really hard, but you made it worth it! I feel so loved and valid, it’s been great to have you all in my inbox!
However, there were other people in my inbox that I appreciated a lot less. Lots of transphobic assholes messaging me about needing mental help and how I’m going to hell now. Dicks asking me if I want to chop off my dick now, and of course, fucktards telling me to kill myself. Many of you said you’re unfollowing my blog too. So, all I have to say is fuck you!!! That’s all.”
I feel like we should talk about the second part of the post. I honestly believe she has a right to be angry here, and lashing out is perfectly natural. So I’m not saying she’s not allowed to tell transphobes off. But if you notice the last time she got a lot of upsetting messages in her inbox, she handled it with grace. There was a “fuck you” for sure, but it was implied, rather than… you know, in the title? And I think I know why there’s such a difference in tone here.
When you come out like this, you’re telling your truth for the first time. Everything feels a lot more raw and vulnerable for you. She’s probably used to the dumb questions about being deaf, so she’s developed a way to politely answer the grosser questions. But here, it’s been like, a few days? She’s going to feel like she needs to go on the attack here.
Coming out as trans for me was really hard too, and I didn’t even do it on an online platform. I’m even hesitant to talk about it now, because of how deeply personal it is. But I think it’s important to give you context to why Emmy would want to say “fuck you” to so many people.
So the first person I ever came out to was a friend of mine from high school. She was… not a great person. She was a complete narcissist, she lied to me constantly and ended up using me for sex. That and she was deeply transphobic. Honestly, I could talk about that whole situation forever, so I won’t get started. What’s important is that when I told her I felt like a girl on the inside, she told me that was weird. And that really hurt my personal growth. It put me back into the closet for a few years. I didn’t tell anyone again for a while. The screwed up thing is that she was queer herself, and she was dating someone who would later come out as a trans guy. She didn’t support him either. I remember her telling me that it was stupid that he changed his name, and being impressionable at the young age of 22, I believed her. Even after I came out to my family, I didn’t change my name for a good while after that.
Oh, speaking of my family, coming out to them went very, very poorly. *sigh* I was having dinner with them, and I had decided earlier that day that today was the day. I finally brought up enough courage to finally say that I was a girl… and they all laughed at me. That was about 5 years ago, and the laughter is still something I never got over. After I clarified I wasn’t joking, they took it really badly. I was told later that I had almost given my dad a heart attack when I clarified that I was not only a woman, but a lesbian too. There was a lot of yelling at the table. They still have some trouble with my name and pronouns these days, but they honestly try really hard, and I really appreciate that about them. But the initial experience? It was extremely traumatizing.
Coming out is something that you never actually get to stop doing, and I could tell more horror stories, but I think I have given you enough of an idea of why Emmy felt so many raw emotions when writing that post.
Next up is another special post that continues the trend of being a big turning point in Emmy’s life. It’s in the form of an announcement, and I feel like I should mention that the overall time lapse in this episode is rather large. Obviously she has been posting a lot about Selena and they’ve been spending a lot of time getting to know each other. In the interest of brevity, I’m only touching on the major points. That may make it seem like things were rushed, but please note that they weren’t. She starts things off with:
“I have another announcement to make!
Many of you have been DMing me asking about me and EmeraldSkies, and saying how we should be together. Well I have good news for you! We’re official! We’re in lesbians together, lol. We’ve known each other for months now, although it feels like I’ve had a thing for her forever. Anyway, she asked me if I wanted to try and make it work long distance, and I did! So I said yes! I’ve never been happier! Also, I convinced her that her poetry is totally amazing and she needed to share it with the world. Don’t just take my word for it, check out her new Tumblr!”
And there was probably a link to Selena’s Tumblr if you clicked on the last sentence. Now, I never personally messaged Emmy about this, but I did ship them very hard since the point where Selena wrote her first poem for Emmy. It felt so wholesome to see this announcement, and not just because my ship was confirmed. Emmy said right there that she had never been happier. She was finally feeling fulfilled for the first time in her life, and I think that had a lot to do with coming out, which had a lot to do with Selena in the first place. So seeing them together was such a treat.
Alright! Last post of the episode. Here we have something a little different than what we’re used to. It’s not a post that Emmy has written, but a post that she reblogged. Since she put it on her blog, it counts for our purposes, especially since it’s about her in the first place. It’s a poem about Emmy written by Selena. And it’s titled:
“Free From Tyranny
Although you still feel trapped, you are now free,
It may seem like you are damned by the followers of God,
Stuck under the rule of a not-so-heavenly father,
But it is all an illusion, completely superficial.
For you see, you have been freed,
Freed from fear, denial, and self-loathing,
These are the metals that form the bars of the true prison,
The prison of the mind, the prison of the self.
You have bent these bars, they are nothing to you now,
So even if you still feel the tyranny from the outside world,
Know that you are finally free from the tyranny of yourself
And you are so beautiful for it. “
It’s quite a lovely little poem, and I do love the themes and the message. It’s just that, *sigh* I don’t know if I can agree with it fully? Yes, for sure, that being free to be your true self to yourself is magical. It’s something that was a huge turning point for my own personal growth. But whether or not that makes you truly free? I can’t say for sure. A terrible environment can really hurt a person’s sense of self. I worry that after a while of it, even folks with the brightness of convictions might willingly go back into their own prisons, so to speak. I do really enjoy how it’s written though, and my view of Selena as a poet isn’t hurt by my worries here.
Anyways, Emmy posts a little reply in her reblog that I find pretty funny,
“I love this poem, but I wonder who it’s about”
As if you don’t know Emmy, stop being silly *Laughs*
Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! Thanks again for all for your feedback, supportive or constructive, it honestly all really helps! I went really deep with the anecdotes today, I hope it wasn’t too much. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!
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Forrest Green Forrest Blues (ch1)
Excuse me while I cry in the corner of this site because I deleted this original post on accident and I hate myself because I am standing in the doorway waving bye bye to all of those lovely notes and reblogs and kind words. Anyways, I am reposting this and I’ll be relinking everything.
Pairing: Castiel x Dean (High School AU)
Words: 2160
Warnings: Nothing really in this chapter. Just getting some groundwork done and meeting the characters.
Notes: This series is based on a bunch of Frank Ocean songs. I got major destiel feels after listening to him all week. So here we go, some destiel AU for your enjoyment. Pull out the tissue boxes.
Summary: Castiel Novak, Carver High’s nerd of the century, always sits at the top of the bleachers when he best friend drags him to games. He could care less about what the score is because his entire focus is on the feeling of the cigarette between his lips. His only pull to the field is when Dean Winchester, the popular quarterback graces the field with his presence. This is their last year before graduation and everything is about to change.
Ch. 2 Ch.3
Senior year for Castiel had begun and the hallway walls were plasters with student painted banners advertising the homecoming football game. The blue-eyed kid couldn’t wait for the year to be over. He wanted to get out of the dreadfully small town he grew up in and move to California where his sister now lived. He knew life had so much more to offer than stingy diners and suburban neighborhoods where everyone knew everyone else’s business. The biggest news to hit the town this month was that Mrs. Mills’ cat was saved from the old oak tree. What a joke.
Castiel walked mindlessly down the south wing with his best friend Charlie while she rambled on about her new classes and how she was planning to hack one of the teacher’s lesson plans.
“It will be the biggest laugh of the year if I get Mr. Singer to show the class that video within the first week,” laughed Charlie. She saw that Castiel was staring off into the distance, not paying attention to a word she just said. “Hello? Earth to Cas… It’d be funny, right?” She waved her hand in front of Cas’ face to bring him back to reality.
“Huh? Oh, yeah… sure, “murmured Cas, as he kept walking and nearly running into a stray garbage can.
“Thanks for your support, best friend,” Charlie said sarcastically while she punched him in the shoulder.
“Sorry, Charlie. I’m just distracted.” Cas sighed and shrugged.
“No kidding… What’s got your brain all fuzzy?” They both stopped when they reached their neighboring lockers.
“Nothing. I just was thinking about California again.”
“Oh right. Your big plans to leave me high and dry after graduation! How could I forget?” Charlie closed her locker after picking out a few books and then leaned on it, waiting for Cas to gather his supplies. “You just can’t wait to leave us all here in the dust, can you,” moped Charlie.
“It’s not like that… plus you could always come with me if you wanted.” Cas finished up and they started walking to their next class.
“You know I can’t do that, Cas… I’ve got my mom to think about.”
“True. Sorry.” There was a brief moment of awkward silence but the five-minute warning bell cuts it off.
“Don’t worry about me, Cas. I’ll be fine here! I’ve got all these lame-os to keep me entertained.” She gestured to the rushing late students sliding through the halls. “ Tell you what… you can make it up to me by coming to the homecoming game tonight with me. I hacked the cheerleader’s uniform order and now their skirts are two inches shorter than they were supposed to be! It’s going to be glorious!”
“Really? A football game… can’t I just make it up to you by doing your English homework?”
Charlie didn’t answer him back. The screechy voice of their math teacher yelled at them through the door to take their seats. There was no use in arguing with Charlie anyhow; she was annoyingly persuasive without effort.
That night, Castiel sat at the very top of the bleachers while the rest of the school stood, cheered and sang along to their team’s fight song. Sports were never Castiel’s cup of tea. He’d much rather be at home, reading books and listening to music. But the least he could do was pretend to have a good time. He watched Charlie gush over the cheerleaders and giggle at each of them trying to pull their skirts down further.
Cas was the only one who knew Charlie liked girls. In a small town like theirs, that news wouldn’t go over too well with the community. So he understood why she kept quiet but he felt special having been the only one she trusted enough. Cas hadn’t even fully come to terms with his own ever-changing sexuality. He hadn’t even told Charlie about it yet. But he wasn’t even sure what he could label himself as; he just loved… everyone. Not anyone in this town of course, but just people in general. They were all beautiful to him and he wanted to be able to experience it all without boundaries.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, the song was over and the game began. Castiel paid as much attention as he could to the game before some kids playing tag on the playground nearby distracted him.
“Wow! Did you see that play? There’s no way the other team can catch up now!” Charlie whooped and hollered down to the field as the team ran by and waved to their fellow classmates.
Castiel was just about bored out of his mind when something caught his eye. The quarterback was doing a victory dance surrounded by cheerleaders. He put his hands behind his head, made an arrogant duck face with his lips and swayed his hips from side to side.
“Oh great… here we go again. The beloved Dean Winchester, eating up all the attention being thrown at him. He just loves being a ham, doesn’t he?” Castiel rolled his eyes and pulled out a cigarette and lighter from his back pocket. He lit it and took a long drag.
Charlie wasn’t even paying attention to him anymore. For a nerd, she was surprisingly very into sports and she was wrapped up in yelling at the ref for a bad call. So Castiel sat back and babied his death stick while watching the next play. Without knowing why Cas couldn’t peel his eyes away from Dean. He scoffs at each of his arrogant movements but appreciated the way his body gracefully spun and dodged the opposing team. He couldn’t help but smirk to himself when Dean reached the end zone. Cas didn’t understand why he was taking such an interest in this guy… there wasn’t even anything entirely intriguing about him other than his obvious good looks. Castiel shrugged it off and then extinguished the ending butt of his cigarette onto the bleacher seat.
--
“Okay, class… today we will go through chapters two and three. Then I will assign you project partners for the year and we can get started on our first assignment,” explained Ms. Hanscum.
The instructions generated some bothered grumbles and a few eye rolls. Most of the class wanted to pick their own partners, which the teacher knew would just end up in a mess of distracted teens. So, she chose to randomly assign partners and avoid any of those issues. Ms. Hanscum was Castiel’s favorite teacher. She was funny, smart and accepting. All of which are rare characteristics to find in people of this humdrum town.
“Okay… let’s see… Kevin! You’re with, Lena. Hm… Sam? You’re with… Jo! Now Charlie… who should we pair you with… let’s go with Lisa.” Charlie whooped under her breath, happy she got partnered with the beautiful head cheerleader.
“Sebastian? I’m putting you with Richard. Just don’t take advantage of my kindness on this one, okay? No funny business!” The two trouble making boys gave each other knowing smirks and chuckled to themselves. Ms. Hanscum went through the roster one by one, pairing everyone off. Just when Castiel thought he was forgotten, he heard his name.
“Castiel?”
“Yes, Ms. Hanscum,” Cas looked up from his desk patiently waiting to hear who he’d be stuck with for the new few months.
“I’m pairing you with Dean Winchester.”
The charming green-eyed student looked up and caught eyes with blue ones. They exchanged awkward smiles and waves across the room and then waited for the rest of the class to be paired off. Class ended and the room was nearly clear when Mrs. Hanscum called Castiel to her desk before he left.
“Mr. Novak? Do you have a moment? I need to speak with you about something.”
“Sure, Ms. H,” Cas replied. “I’ll catch you later Charlie. Save me a seat in Bio.” The messy haired kid waved to his friend and then dropped his bag into a seat.
“Okay… so Castiel… I asked you to stay back after class to discuss this year's project partners situation.”
“Okay…”
“You’re probably wondering why I paired you with Dean Winchester.” The kind-hearted teacher sat against her desk, facing her student. “I originally planned on pairing you with Charlie because I know how well you two work together. Then I thought about you and about how incredibly smart you are and how it would go to such a waste if it couldn’t help other people.”
The praise made Castiel blush. Sure, Cas was smart but he also was kind of a rebel. Always making it a point to stick away from the social norm. But he made sure that everything he did, no matter how crazy or fun, it would never compromise his intelligence. Ms. Hanscum was still rambling on about how impressive Cas’ test scores were last year and to Cas it just went in one ear and out the other.
“So back to my original point… Dean Winchester.” She paused for a moment waiting for a response.
“What about him,” Cas asked nonchalantly.
“He’s smart. I know it… but he’s got this bad rap. He is under a tremendous amount of pressure to be perfect. He is the star of the football team and popular… he is under the microscope of this entire school and everyone expects beyond greatness from him. But his grades are slipping; he barely passed my class last year. I think he’s dumbing himself down to look cool. Like some cracked up joke that makes his friends laugh. I’d hate to see him fail over something so immature. So I think it is time for him to surround himself with other types of people.”
“Other people,” Cas asked curiously.
“Yes. People like you. People that aren’t afraid to be themselves or to take risks when they seem scary.”
“Okay,” said Castiel, still confused about her main point. “What exactly do you want me to do about this?”
“So I not only want you to be his project partner this year but I also want you to tutor him… and maybe think about spending time with him outside of school. You know… show him what life can be like beyond this town. There is a whole other world out there and I know you know this... I even hear from Charlie you are thinking of going to college in California.” Ms. Hanscum stood back up and started to organize her desk.
“But Dean doesn’t even know I exist. I don’t even know what I would say to the guy beyond giving him a few book suggestions. We come from two completely different worlds…”
“Exactly,” smiled Donna. “That is what I am hoping for… I know you can do this, Castiel. Just be yourself and everything else will fall into place.” She finished packing up her book bag and started to head out the door. “Thanks again for doing this, Castiel. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Castiel sat for a moment trying to figure out how it was possible to have agreed to this without even saying yes during that entire conversation. He shrugged it off, gathered his things and left the classroom. He was half way down the hall when he saw Lisa leaned on the lockers with Dean pressed against her. Of course, they were making out… typical. Head cheerleader dating the captain of the football team. Their school might as well have been the site for a bad teen RomCom movie. Castiel tried to avert his eyes as much as possible and scurried by them unnoticed. He was suddenly stopped short by a captivating voice. It was deep and smooth like a well-aged whiskey.
“Hey, Cas! Wait up!”
“Huh? Me? Oh… Hello, Dean.”
“So I guess Ms. H talked to you about tutoring me after school, huh,” Dean commented through his side smile. Castiel noticed his perfect teeth and smooth lips. God, that was annoying.
“Yeah, she mentioned it I guess,” lied Castiel. “You knew about that?”
“Mhm… she asked me if I’d be cool with it yesterday.” Castiel was surprised. He didn’t think Dean even knew who he was, let alone have the guy talk about him with their teacher. He even used the shortened version of his name. “So did you agree? I could really use the help with this class.”
Then Cas realized that Ms. H probably only talked to Dean about the tutoring part of the deal, not so much the being friends part. He figured he’d spare the guy the embarrassment and act as if he knew the same.
“Yes. Of course, I’ll help you,” Cas said sternly but with a small smile.
“Great! That’s awesome… thanks, man.” Dean slapped Cas on the shoulder and he practically fell over from the impact. “This is going to be a great year.”
Castiel would later come to realize this was true. He just didn’t know it yet.
#SPN#Supernatural#spn family#spn cast#mine#my gifs#please credit if used thx#Castiel#Cas#Misha Collins#my angel boo#the great love of my life#Dean#Dean Winchester#Jensen Ackles#Destiel#fgfb#forrest green forrest blues#destiel series#netflixandcastiellllwrites
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Worldbuilding Monday!
I was sure I’d gotten another answer to yesterday’s question, but... I can’t find it?
The post has two likes, one reblog and four notes, which makes it look like there should be a reply there somewhere, but there isn’t. I suppose they deleted it?
Anyway, I guess I’m talking about religion, then. I need to sort it out, anyhow.
Practically all human societies develop religions. That’s just a thing. In a large empire like this one, there are of course several, but there is one main one, so I’ll focus on that one and not care too much about the fact that realistically I should invent about a dozen.
It is technically a polytheistic religion, though it only has eight gods, and any one person only has one at a time.
Each god has a domain, and within this domain are people. Which domain you are in is determined mainly by what you do for a living, and if you aren’t sure, a temple keeper can probably help you work it out.
Your god is supposed to take care of you, guide you were you need to go, whether that is into the care of a different god, or eventually to your death. Your god is who you pray to, even if another god would be more fitting for what you want. Your own will pass the message on.
There is always a temple somewhere people live. In places where most of the people present belong to the same god, the local temple will belong mostly to that god, with another altar where other symbols can be set up for pryer and sacrifice. In larger cities, the temple usually has a full seven altars, one for each god, and with temple keepers to take care of each one.
In case you’re wondering, the sacrifices are mostly food and some money, and tend to go towards the worthy cause of keeping the temple keeper fed.
The gods are as follows:
Betsbeal: The god of death.
The only one who doesn’t have a permanent altar in any temple. Keeping a temple for Betsbeal up for more than the time needed for a funeral is considered very bad luck, though the god themselves is supposed to be rather pleasant to those in their domain.
The issue, of course, is that no one living is in Betsbeal’s domain, only the dead. For a living person to even mention their name is considered an act of inviting death. Theologists debate frequently whether they are the most or the least powerful god in the pantheon.
Afah: The sun god.
I have mentioned Afah before, though not by name. He is the top god, so to say. The boss on the mountain. The Zeus type, if you will. His domain, aside from, you know, the sun, is matters of the state.
A solider in a country’s army belongs to Afah, especially if they’re higher ranked. Diplomats, ambassadors, judges, high priests and other theologists belong to him, as do anyone who works in the government.
Back when the empire had a king, people believed the king was a literal incarnation of Afah. In the age of democracy, that isn’t true anymore, but there is a very fancy ceremony every time the precidency changes, symbolizing the passing of the old president out of Afah’s domain, and of the new one in.
Mimmo: The ocean god.
Mimmo is the mother of all life, and her domain thus inludes most physicians and healers, as well as children and homekeepers. More intuitively, Mimmo’s domain covers all kinds of fishermen and seafarers.
And weather mages, but that is because their art is developed in a coastal city where more than half of the population belongs to Mimmo one way or another. Most mages belong elsewhere.
Raoois: The moon god.
Raoois is Mimmo’s twin sister. They love and cherish each other, but they also fight a lot. First and foremost, they can never decide which one of them the tides belong to. You can see the effects of this squabbling every day as the water level changes. It’s all so silly, because the tides exist in the first place because Mimmo reaches for her sister in longing.
Or at least so the story goes.
Raoois is regular enough to set your clock by. The empire has a lunar calendar, which has resulted in Raoois having domain over the seasons, and then most of the people who rely on them, like farmers. She also has everyone who deals with highly regular things, like numbers, so mathematicians, most accountants, and astronomers are all in Raoois’s domain.
After that, it only seemed right to give her the rest of the unclaimed scholars as well.
Ireie: The wind god.
Ireie deals with all kind of travel. Once humanity figures out flight, she’ll likely take the pilots too, but as of yet, she has guides, nomads, couriers and drake handlers. Those with no place to call home swear to her, and some of those who find themselves most at home in flights of fancy.
Ireie travels light. It is in her nature to.
Fameet: The forest god.
Fameet deals with those who earn their living from the forest. Hunters, gatherers, woodworkers, sorcerers and mages all belong to him.
If you remember how magic works, you’ll know why sorcerers and mages are on this list. Without trees, there would be no mages, and even sorcerers, people who use magic directly from the source animal, mostly work with making harpiks for mages to use, these days.
Leirje: The earth god.
Leirje takes people who work with stone and metal, so masons, blacksmiths, miners and people who pick up heavy stuff and put it down again all belong to her. Gold, being a metal, also belongs to her, and so do those who handle it. Mainly merchants.
Leirje also takes criminals, and others who do not fit neatly within any of the other gods’ domains. She is the mother of most of them, and grandmother to all of life. She will take those no one else can.
Pymi: The flashy one.
Pymi is the god of stars, rainbows, pretty flowers, that nice sheen on the inside of seashells and natural dyes. Pymi deals with beauty for beauty’s own sake and has domain of those who make it, whether these are poets, writers, artists, actors, tailors, jewellers or prostitutes.
Whether Pymi is a he or a she depends wholly on the preference of the person praying, as they find beauty in both sides of the apple. Other preferences of the people are not always listened to, no matter how often the poets complain about having to use the same altar as the prostitutes, and the prostitutes complain about the poets.
Of course, while these are the most common interpretations, you will have slightly different stories and domains for different temples. Once you get to the monastery in the mountains, the basic philosophy changes enough that it is compatible both with lowland philosophy and with the very different religion of the mountain dwelers, which may or may not have started out as an actual dragon cult.
Funny how gigantic, ancient, flying, clarvoyant creatures were sometimes worshiped as gods.
Either way, one of the things that is always true is that no one is ever without a god. From the moment you’re born and on beyond death, someone is there to take care and watch over you. Many wear the symbol of their god on them, as a show of faith or to mark their profession.
At the point in time our story starts, religion is not exactly flourishing. It’s an age of enlightenment, of science and discovery, and it’s become more and more comon in educated circles to not put all your faith on the old creation myths. It is still a large influence on people’s lives, and some dedicate themselves to the cause.
Among them are of course the royalists, people who believe Afah did not abandon the royal family, and that as long as a decendant of the old kings is not on the throne, the empire exists in herecy.
But they’re crazy. No one cares about them. So don’t worry, everything is just fine ;)
#unnamed project 2k17#worldbuilding monday#prep-october#nanowrimo#hahaha this is such a mess#oh well#you asked for it
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Chiang Mai: Oh my Buddha!
Sorry for the delay- we left but then I wrote this blog and deleted it -___- and then I got food poisoning so here we are.
Chiang Mai is one of those cities that is obviously so OLD it even has a moat and wall around it. (The wall only looks gold because of the lights they shine on it, though. I thought it was real at first.)
It’s one of those things you look at and think that whoever’s kingdom this was probably get would mad if they saw how much change has happened.
Also there was, of course more meat on a stick!
Besides the huge market, we ended up doing 2 day, 1 night “jungle trek”. My shoes needed a thorough cleaning after we were done because it was probably the most pathless trek I’d ever been on. Like, my foot got stuck in a rice paddy thing at one point. Thankfully the weather was great, and we stopped along a waterfall at the halfway point:
This is where we ended up staying. There was one toilet (Thailand toilet summary post coming soon!) that didn’t flush, and all of us on the trek shared a bamboo hut. Also the shower was the river nearby! It was pretty surreal being in the middle of the jungle like that. We all got our own little foam pad to sleep on and mosquito netting. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as I thought it would be!
After arriving, we watched our host cook food for us. Literally in the other bamboo hut, he made food with fire.
I’m not sure if it was because we were tired, but it was the tastiest potato curry (and other things I forget the name of) that we ever did have. {Louie is saying it was probably the best meal thus far.} Our tour guide said “It’s spider soup! Oh my buddha!” Ahahah oh my buddha.
After eating we bonded with the other tourists over how we got to be on this trek. Surprise! Everyone had been directed to travel agencies by tuk tuk drivers. Some of them had gotten scammed more mightily than us, and some of them even bought suits xD.
Now a word about elephants to get this off of my chest. Don’t do anything related to elephants or animals in general in SE Asia. Before leaving home, we were thinking we would go to an elephant sanctuary because elephants are cool, but we wouldn’t want to be enabling them being hurt or anything.
We ended up booking our elephant portion of the trip with Ms. Tum in Bangkok, and we decided we’d see how it is before going. Well when we arrived at our place in Chiang Mai, there were posters everywhere about how they were so good for the elephants and blablabla.
Fast forward to when they took us elephant riding. We got on only because the elephants we were seeing didn’t seem distressed at all. That was because we got the mad distressed one. It was the scariest part of the trip because our elephant wasn’t just distressed, it was MAD. I literally prayed the whole ride. Do you know what elephants sound like when they’re not. having. it? They sound like angry semi trucks turning on. None of that splashy trumpety elephant sound. It was horrifying because our elephant driver person kept yelling at it to keep going or stop running, etc.
Anyhow, we got off that elephant and decided that we had contributed to something cruel and sad, so maybe we’ll do a LEGIT sanctuary next even if it was super expensive.
Good that the bamboo hut we stayed at had an elephant sanctuary right next door! When we got there, we saw the elephant chained up and sad looking. They only released and fed them when the tourist groups came. When you look at reviews online so many of them say that they’re so good and ethical etc. But then you find the few that were observant enough to see which way or another was mistreating them.
Sad elephant eats. ^
On our way back, we went bamboo rafting. Little kids were nearby and kept splashing us with water.
Before leaving Chiang Mai, we had a free day in which we did a lot of walking and exploring. One of the places we stopped was this huge Wat (can’t remember name lol). There was a portion of it that I couldn’t go into because I’m a dirty woman apparently. And they made me wear this robe thinggy too.
But oh my buddha everything was so shiny. It reminded me of church but the deluxe version with all of the gold.
Creepy monk that I’m sure is very holy.
I think I would prefer these colorful temples over the solemness of catholic churches.
We also went to this cafe called ristr8to where they make Really Good Coffee, and serve it in test tubes or skull glasses.
We should have ordered hot coffee because apparently that’s their specialty, but oh well.
Finally, we went to the very top of another huge huge fancy mall with automatic butt sprayers in the bathroom! D:/:D.
And then off we went to Chiang Rai the next day.
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I’m really sorry for all the backlash you’ve been getting. Thank you so much for doing this.
I have some stuff to submit that doesn’t count as proof and is certainly not going to convince anyone who is on our side and still making excuses for her. I wouldn’t post it if I were you, to be honest, because it’s not enough (unfortunately). Just thought I would let you know, though, because maybe it’ll help. Combined with all the stuff about her that doesn’t add up, it definitely seems a little… fishy at best. It’s embarrassing but I used to be a “catfish” about six or seven years ago. I know the tricks. That’s probably why she’s ringing my alarm bells. So when she posted a picture earlier today - again, weird picture size that isn’t possible on an iPhone, weird black and white filter, face cropped out in a way that doesn’t make sense - I decided to look into it more.
This is kind of long. Apologies.
On the left, you can see the properties of Princesa’s picture. On the right, the properties of a random picture I took with my iPhone a while back. I didn’t edit it - at least not that I remember; I might have changed the lighting a little. When you crop a picture on your iPhone, it will stay cropped even when you upload it somewhere but will change back to its original size once you transfer it from your phone to your computer. But even
if
you crop your picture and even
if
you edit it in any way (using Apple’s picture editing tools, not a third-party tool), you cannot erase the meta data. My picture properties give information about my old phone, whether I used flash or not, the exposure time, etc. If you scrolled down (I haven’t taken a screenshot of that part because I figured you’d get the gist), you’d even be able to see some stuff about my lens. No such thing can be found on Princesa’s picture.
[Sidenote: I know it says “Remove Properties or Personal Information” but this only deletes some information, like ISO Speed or your Camera maker and model, and it won’t keep websites like FotoForensics from getting to your data anyhow. I will talk about this in depth later.]
Well, maybe I’m too hard on her, I thought. Maybe it’s different when a picture is uploaded on mobile and/or the app.
Wrong.
Someone I follow is a mobile blogger most of the time. I scrolled through their blog and saved one of the pictures they shared. Again, the comparison gives the same results as the one prior. I used a picture I took with my old phone for the comparison earlier but the person I follow has a newer phone, presumably the same one Princesa is showing in her picture. As you can see, it’s the same damn thing. The meta data didn’t get lost after they uploaded it to their blog. But it did for Princesa. For some reason.
I wanted to give her the benefit of doubt. I really did. I don’t like blindly accusing people (or blindly believing people) without having a sufficient amount of proof. So I took to Tumblr again, this time a different blog, and saved one of the pictures this person had posted. This blogger had uploaded a picture of themselves with various Instagram filters - a full-size picture so I guess they uploaded the picture Instagram saved on their phone. Here’s another comparison:
These seem similar enough. Instagram - or any third-party editing software app for your phone - seems to erase any trace of your picture’s meta data. However what struck me as a little odd is Princesa’s picture keeping the “Comments” and “Date taken” data while my mutual’s picture (also mainly a mobile blogger, by the way) didn’t.
It is important to note that you can edit the “Date taken” part. If my picture doesn’t have any meta data regarding the date (because I ran it through a third-party program like Instagram, I saved it as a .PNG first and then converted it to a .JPG file or I took a screenshot of someone else’s picture on Snapchat, Facebook and/or Instagram, etc.), I can fake the date it was allegedly taken. I can take any of my already existing pictures and edit the “Date taken” so that it looks like I took it just now, a few minutes ago. The parts about the camera, lens, etc., however, I can’t change.
I considered that she might have cropped and edited the picture and then taken a screenshot of it rather than saving the picture to avoid accidentally exposing her face (a valid reason, nobody has to post selfies if they don’t want to). The “Comments: Screenshot” part also confused me. So I checked my own iPhone screenshots and looked at the properties again to compare.
This is what mine look like:
iPhone screenshots are .PNG files. Not .JPEG or .JPG files, like her picture.
Finally, I took to FotoForensics.
http://fotoforensics.com/analysis.php?id=c270ba9dad68cbf1681bd2354c6786089c2906fc.86822
http://fotoforensics.com/analysis.php?id=df29339ebb221df4dac6020e15cba1be2aaa7ec4.53640
I ran both her pictures through it. If the links don’t work anymore by the time you see this, here are the relevant parts:
These pictures were opened (and presumably edited) in Photoshop at least once. Now let’s give her the benefit of doubt again. She is allowed to edit in Photoshop. She isn’t the first nor the last person to use Photoshop.
But then:
(This is the non-edited picture one of the people I follow posted. To protect their privacy, I won’t link you to the page but you can repeat this process with your own picture(s) or with one of your mutuals or followers. It should give the same or similar results.)
As you can see, all the meta data is still there. It’s actually more meta data than Windows lets you look at. Little to no meta data found on Princesa’s picture. And yes, those two screenshots are the combined meta data of one picture. Princesa’s pictures don’t provide nearly as much.
And since I wanted to be completely sure, I edited a picture of my dog in Photoshop (resized it, cropped it, added a bunch of lousy effects, desaturated it, you name it) and then did the same thing.
I won’t bore you with the FotoForensics results but it’s basically the same - the picture keeps all its meta data related to the camera, loses some about the lens (since the picture was severely edited by me) and has the additional lines about Photoshop. If you look back at Princesa’s picture’s properties on Windows, though, you’ll see that the Photoshop part isn’t there. According to FotoForensics, however, she definitely opened it in Photoshop at least once.
I’m not saying she’s a catfish or a fake. But what’s for certain is that she edits her pictures, doesn’t post them from mobile as she claims (the sizes she keeps using are unusual for an iPhone model anyway) and she knows what she’s doing. See that part about the “Program name” in my last picture? I couldn’t delete it but there are ways to get rid of it - if you know how. She hid the fact that she used Photoshop for both her pictures. Why? It’s not unusual for people to edit their pictures with a picture editing software nor is it a crime. People do it all the time. So why go out of your way to hide it and make sure nobody finds out? Why go out of the way to manually add the date of when your picture was allegedly taken so that the meta data looks more convincing? If she had left it blank, I would’ve just assumed she edited it in the Instagram app first, like my mutual. It just seems super fishy.
[Another thing is that FotoForensics checks if your picture was altered in any way. I’m not 100% skilled with FotoForensics analyses regarding picture editing but the bathroom selfie looks edited to me, especially if you compare the original picture to the analysis provided by the website. But since I’m not too good with that I chose to not comment on it. Maybe you’re better at it than me or you know someone who is.]
Sorry this is so long. I don’t know if this helps at all.
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