#at least i got my meds

[entropyvoid]

Golden Hour (+ lineart below cut)

I took a picture of the lines for once and did some basic crappy photo editing on my phone, so you could probably print this out and use it as a coloring page or something if you so wish lol. Do with it what you will.

#honkai star rail #dr ratio #veritas ratio #aventurine #aventurine hsr #cherallart #as you can see i forgor i wanted to draw his glasses til like. last second #i can’t believe it’s been like 2 whole months since I last did a whole like. watercolor illustration #part of that’s been bc I’ve been having a bit of a rough semester bc adhd med issues (which are resolved now) #but I really wanted to draw aventurine and ratio. my boys #i’ve been LOVING penacony so far so I needed to get something nice out #anyway I did this while my s/o and I alternated between reading a 500 pg long history book out lout to each other #it’s called ‘the inheritance of rome’ and kinda covers what happened after the collapse of the western roman empire #and tries to identify and explain all the cultural echoes and reverberations and transformations that rose from its ashes #throughout europe north africa and the middle east. anyway it’s super interesting and I highly recommend it #the late antique period is not something often covered/talked abt in public ed hist classes. at least not when I was goin through em #or the transitory period between it and the early medieval period at least #i still got 150 pages left and a final paper due on it in like 4 days but it’s only a 5 pg minimum and I’m a wordy bitch so #i think i can make it #anyway back to that I go

[kirby-the-gorb]

#kirby #plants #daily kirby #my art #digital #hal laboratory #nintendo #another appointment today #useless and a waste of time but didn't try to take my meds from me at least! #but our partner took me to the plant nursery after #which they'd been hoping to do since I got here weeks ago #but I have to limit my outings for infection risk #they bought me cute plants and then planted them for me after our delivery pizza arrived #which did make me feel better. #my new plants are soooo cute #I kept wiggling the footrests on my wheelchair cuz I was excited about them :> #favorites

[aro-culture-is]

Aro culture is debating for YEARS if trauma made you aro or if you always were. Then you get informed about Avoidant Personality Disorder and now you’re sitting here like.. I’m aro and have a personality disorder?????????????? Because that makes a lot more sense. I do yearn for connection because of the disorder but I do not feel consistent romantic attraction 😳😳 it’s like bearly there at all like an incense that keeps going out.

.

#aro culture is #aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #ask #mod axel #at this point i've accepted that whatever's going on in our head is symptom soup #like there's genetics for a number of things and trauma so whatever the result is #i can at least say with certainty that therapy alone was Not E-Fucking-Nough for reducing depression symptoms #and neither therapy nor anxiety meds reduced our anxiety to any noticable degree #and i mean like. therapy through my university required us to fill out the PHQ9 and GAD7 every single appointment. i generally had 3 weeks #in between appointments. #2 years of pure therapy mildly reduced the depression numbers - from the 96th percentile in students - to something more like... #still major depression but not *that* #and anti-depressants got me to like... just ever so barely below the threshold between severe and moderate depression at its best #but! as we noticed while talking about this #i had one (1!) single score over three years of therapy that was not IDENTICAL for anxiety including when trying antidepressants with #anti-anxiety capabilities and when trying a specific anti-anxiety med #the single difference was by one point down and honestly it was mostly a little blip of nice life events #brain sure goes brr in here

[fauvester]

i think my coworkers and friends think its a little excessive that Im so militant about my sleep schedule but its hard to describe the extent to which the terrors fucking get me if my circadian rhythm is even a little fucked up

#see. if i fall asleep by 10:45 or so usually the RLS doesnt start up #but if i drink a coffee too late. or im out late. or stressed. or dont get much sleep the night before #it puts me at precipitous risk of getting fucking got #and then its genuinely some of the worst suffering i ever experience... crying pacing self medicating panicking etc etc etc #would take food poisoning over a bad RLS night easy. at least inbetween the vomiting you can sometimes get some rest #rn trialing a med that totally zonks me during the day but its worth it as a PRN cause otherwise ill be zonked ND a bitch if i dont sleep #to delete #resident good #my coworker like.... you wont even go out to dinner before a work day? not if its after 9PM bro otherwise theres a chance i Will Not Sleep #and not only that I WILL suffer the whole time #man Im frustrated too! I wish I wasnt like this but thats the bitch of living with a poorly understood movement disorder!

[riskofpain]

so I forgot to talk about this but just fyi it’s entirely realistic for your whumpee get lightheaded/almost pass out even if they’re good at dealing with pain and/or not particularly panicky.

sometimes your body just reacts even when you can rationalize that you’re fine (even after the fact) because your adrenaline just TANKS. insanely frustrating to deal with, but also insanely good potential for situations to put a whumpee in. :^)

brought to you by being a medical assistant who has a pretty good pain tolerance and is not easily squeamish, but still almost passing out after getting a thumb abscess drained.

#whump #passing out #fainting #medical whump #med whump #I was so frustrated when it happened like #it was over and done with for at least a minute and then I just got really nauseous and doubled over #and while that was happening I was trying to tell myself 'oh my god we're fine it's fine nothing is even happening anymore' #but the autonomic nervous system doesn't fuck around lol

[adhdheather]

outfit today! i wish there was a gargoyle emoji

#my face #i feel a bit like im dying from 2hrs of sleep while my meds wear off #got a ton of shit done today at least #p

[lesbiansanemi]

I hate when I’ll be complaining about some stupid bullshit a coworker does to other coworkers and half the time their response is to lower their voice and go “well…. You know…. I’m pretty sure they’re… on the spectrum, you know?” And every time I have a split second when I have to consider saying “you know I’m autistic, right?” just to make them vaguely uncomfortable for a few minutes and actually think about what they’re implying but of course I do not do that because the gratification is not worth a large sect of shitty coworkers knowing that about me and then talking about me like that every time I do something vaguely annoying or dumb but man…. It does get tempting sometimes

#like idk!!! sometimes the coworkers in question DO display some common autistic traits #but that is NEVER what is being complained about (at least not by me) so WHY are we bringing it up like that el oh el #like when I say ‘yeah I don’t like this coworker because of the shitty fucking things she did to my friend’ #the response should not be ‘well I think she’s autistic isn’t that so funny she’s so obsessive about stuffed animals it’s annoying’ #shut up shut up SHUT UP AND DIE #I don’t CARE that they talk too loud I don’t CARE that they’re bad a social cues I don’t CARE that they do ‘weird things’ #and it’s so. HFDJSJKSKSKS AAAGGHHHHH #whether they’re autistic or not MAYBE that’s not what should be getting brought up during a conversation like that when it has NOTHING to do #with it #also maybe we shouldn’t be doing shit like whispering ‘on the spectrum’ like its some awful terrible thing #just thoughts idk #and the thing is too is that even if I told these ppl I was autistic #they would 100% be the types that are like ‘oh? but you don’t ACT autistic I don’t think you are’ #like actually I got very good at masking for these reasons thnx #also you think autism = Sheldon from the Big Bang theory and nothing else #but I already learned my lesson cuz I told a coworker that I wasn’t sure about exactly twice #one of them went ‘oh THATS why you’re so dumb and don’t realize when other ppl don’t like you and take advantage of you’ #and then the other one went on a mansplaining spiel about how me being autistic was why adhd meds didnt work on me?????? #so yeah. never doing that again. haha. hahahaha. hahahaha…… #this actually happened a few days ago but it’s been Bothering me so much #I hate my fucking job…. #kaz rambles

[prolibytherium]

Made the groundbreaking decision to stop using kratom as a replacement for antidepressants and start taking my meds again everyone please clap

#I’ve been off my meds for like… a really long time (like they are all wayyyyyyyyyyy out of my system) so here’s #hoping the side effects aren’t too bad #I talked with my psychiatrist first and got lower starting doses of everything so this is supervised at least

[simandy]

i got new adhd medication today and i think im seeing those so called shrimp colors

#i got 1 post queued is this something #i hope i have at least 5 until the travel day or else i wont be able to post anything for a whole month #and i only do this when i dont mean it ok #i mean every single hiatus i went was bc i had no meds so now i got my hands on REAL meds i think i can work again #nonsims #non sims #adhd

[neverendingford]

skyglow:

(alternative title: photo dump of a midnight desert run)

#photography #Ford's Art #color says shit #it was either go on a twelve mile run or re-download grindr and get absolutely blasted so I went with the more responsible option. #b because damn I'm feeling it tonight. or at least I was before the run. I need to shower and then I'll cook dinner and go to bed satiated. #I did also jerk off under the bridge and then piss on someone's flowers on the way home. gotta get those animal instincts out somehow right? #anyway I've successfully vented most of my manic energy and a cold shower will finish it off and then we're good. #the mood meds have been helping a lot. last time I got hit with this kind of a mood I came out of it with huge bite marks and chlamydia. #and I haven't been feeling it nearly as bad this time so that's nice. more like a restless dog and less like a caged wolf thirsty for blood. #yes I'm making references to Call of the Wild again deal with it. #anyway sorry to anyone who sees this from the tags and not because you follow me. you didn't sign up for this lmao. #also. this is why I can't be a binary trans woman. this night photography shit is the most gay-man thing ever and I enjoy it. #I was doing it before my last boyfriend but he got me even more into it. #anyway bye I'm gonna go shower and then eat food. I've been hungrier more recently. #between the meds and the hrt my appetite is bigger and I'm gaining weight with the hrt fat redistribution which is cool and good. #I want to be a healthy weight and maybe even a lil chonky? we'll see we'll see.

[oflgtfol]

i was talking to my therapist last week about how i'm kinda excited but also equally apprehensive about starting grad school this fall because yes, i so so desperately needed a gap year otherwise i think i literally would have killed myself and/or had a breakdown big enough to land me in the hospital, and even beyond that i just needed to figure out a more concrete plan of what i'm going to do with my life in general -- while all of that is true, and i'm glad i took the gap year for it, i'm also apprehensive because i genuinely feel like an entirely different person than i was even at this exact point in time last year, nevermind anything earlier than that. it's only been a single year of me being out of school but my life has changed so dramatically, mostly for the better, and my whole personality has flipped on its head, it's just going to be so fucking weird going back to the same school, the same campus, potentially seeing my old friends around. augh

#sorry i was trying to find a post in my music tag in my archive and i scrolled so far back i got all the way to april 2023 #where i referenced sitting in a dining hall #and its like. DINING HALL ?!?!?! #im going to be sitting in the fucking dining hall again in just like four months. UGH #brot posts #it's almost similar to the separation between high school and college. where i feel like hs me was completely different than college me #and now only a mere year later i feel like. post-undergrad me is completely different than undergrad me #although now that separation is exacerbated by how short a time it was and just HOW drastic a change it was #like . a bitch goes on antidepressants suddenly theyre a whole new person. #like im lowkey excited to see my old classmates and friends again #but i also am dreading it bc like hi. hey. i have the same name and face as the person you knew but i'm someone else now. sorry #and also just the persistent fear that i'm going to regress or at least even just /feel/ like im regressing #just by being back in that environment again? #even if i'll be on meds this time and actually going to therapy and overall having so much more support than i did in the past #so as nostalgic as i am to be on campus again it's also like. hard to separate the present from the past #like despite it all. this bathroom was still the very same place i went to have a mental breakdown weekly #this bench outdoors was the place i sat by myself to eat lunch in the blistering cold bc i couldnt eat indoors during covid 2020-2021 #this bench indoors was where my friends had an intervention with me and forced me to call the on-campus mental health services #just . idk. feeling a strange mix of nostalgia and also being haunted by bad memories #oh the woes of going to grad school at the same place you got your undergrad. While mentally ill #but alas i need to save money by commuting and having instate tuition

[lesbianralzarek]

ugh. my father insists on telling the family group chat whenever i take a lil half-step towards being a functional adult. "oh, ella is learning how to drive in the snow! also, did you know that shes taking a class to become a pharmacy technician?" dad im 25. your next youngest daughter is starting a master's program. shut the fuck up, not everyone needs to know i couldnt drive in the snow until now

#PLEASE just forget i exist #ill let you know if i ever become a homeowner and therefore 1/4th as successful as everyone else #not infrequently i look at my peers and remember that autism is actually. like. a significant disability #and that the vast majority of people diagnosed with autism are unemployed #and it. uh. doesnt make me feel better about myself #it used to be a 'hey. compared to your real peers you arent lagging behind at all!' #but now its 'you are statistically unlikely to ever pull yourself out of this rut and into a position where you feel #comfortable asking for the love you want and nearly all of your friends have had' #its at least partially the meds but i feel aggressively nauseous #immediately after posting this i entered the crying and throwing up and acting visibly hysterical in front of others #*phase. the phase of screaming crying throwing up. not screaming yet but ive got a drive coming up and i plan on #screaming in the car

[purplethespian]

Waiting for Permission to Be Sick - Input Requested!

So, I got officially diagnosed with two chronic conditions last week. And the doctor explained to me the details of how these conditions affect my body, and what kinds of symptoms to look out for, and what I can expect life to look like going forward. And I got prescribed meds, and given detailed instructions for when to take them and any side effects I might experience and what to do to help myself feel better if I'm not feeling well, and all of that.

And I just. Haven't done it. I've started taking some of the meds, but not all of them, and like. There's no real reason for me not to? I'm just. Not doing it. Like I've looked up some products on Etsy to have like. Emergency medical info with me so that if I randomly black out or faint again in public, someone could see me and have info know what to do. And I've been looking at pins that say "I have an invisible disability" and aaaaaaaall sorts of stuff. Basically just window shopping for my chronic illness starter kit. But it's been over a week now and I haven't bought anything, and I seem to have convinced myself that I can't start taking my meds until I have all of my Items sorted out and prepared. And like -- there are some actual reasons for this, such as my schedule has been all over the place and my meds need to be taken at multiple times a day at certain intervals, and some with food and some without food, so I need to be able to have that stuff ready to go even when I'm out and about.

But I'm not. Actually doing the work to get everything sorted out and ready? I'm just window shopping. And today, I have been very tired all day because of the rain and because I did too much yesterday, and my head has been hurting because I'm still not over my concussion and I also probably did too much today, even though honestly all I did was go to one class and observe the whole time, and read a couple of emails. And I thought to myself, "well I guess I should take tylenol for my head, and I guess I can give myself permission to do that since my boyfriend is busy and can't tell me to take care of myself --- oh."

I have been waiting for someone to give me permission to identify as chronically ill! Even today I was like "I feel like I've managed to convince myself that I feel worse than I actually do, and I'm actually fine." Even though there would be no real reason for me to be doing that. And like. My head actually hurts! I really did and still do feel tired! And I've seen my test results, and I know that I have a chronic condition. It's been medically confirmed by a bunch of different tests, and multiple medical professionals have been like "yep you've got something wrong with you" (though using more professional and kind words, of course). All of this to say -- I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I am ill and it is chronic and that it is okay to spend money on taking care of myself and things that will make me feel better, even if it is only temporary like the excitement of buying a new pouch that says "This Bag Is Full of Drugs" specifically to keep my medical supplies in, or something to help keep me safe going forward like a medical alert key chain. The only question now is -- what do I do about this? How do I give myself permission to need help or extra accommodations or even just some medication when I never want to admit that I need or want help? I'm so used to being self-sufficient and doing everything by myself that I don't know how to be okay with more problems.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? What do you do? How do you learn to be okay with the fact that your body is not going to go back to the way it was before? I am only 22 and it's hard to accept that my life is not going to look the way I pictured it when I was 18.

#this post got a lot longer than i meant it to but it sort of turned into journaling halfway through #hopefully people still read it? #hopefully it was not too long to be worth reading? #it's just hard because like. i Already have dealt with a lot of problems in my life #and the whole reason i've been trying so hard to avoid getting covid and getting sick in general #among other reasons #is that i already have Ailments and i don't want more meds to worry about and things that have to be on my radar #and now with this diagnosis it's like yeah i have confirmation so at least the waiting to know is off my radar #but now i have more meds to worry about and more Scheduling that has to be done #plus i've already been pill shamed in the past by my older sister just for taking adhd meds #i don't want to get more shit from her for this #idk dude #just a lot on my plate and now there's more and it makes everything more complicated and harder #at least my boyfriend has been amazing though #he has been so supportive through everything and like he still wants to marry me and everything and it just feels really good #to have his support like that #i know people make jokes about someone talking about their partner and it's just their boyfriend matt #but my boyfriend matt really is my partner in everything and i love him #go matt #everyone applaud for matt #if you read this far into the tags i think you should get a cookie #and i hope you had/have a good day today #also though matt was like 'maybe you should get a cane for times when you have to stand up for a long time' and #idk if i'm ready for that #or if it's even necessary #idk #lots of things #too many things even #i'm tired of there being things #ALSO if anyone read this far and has any product recommendations that made their life easier please lmk

[officialpenisenvy]

tried to get testosterone at the pharmacy and failed. need to try a skeevier pharmacy

#as in without a doctor's prescription. they weren't just withholding it #but i wasn't expecting anything else tbf. at least i got my meds refilled

[tearlessrain]

I've had anxiety pretty much all my life and having my fears/concerns brushed off is not a new thing for me and sometimes it's justified, but it is uniquely annoying in this case because I keep being right, repeatedly, throughout the pandemic, and people are still acting like I'm just being my panicky self and it's not as big a deal as I'm making it.

#for months my mom kept getting on my case about masking in the common areas of her complex #'everyone here is elderly they don't go out! why are you still wearing a mask here?' #and then suddenly what do you know two of her neighbors have covid and I was right #everyone: why are you still isolating and masking so much the pandemic is over! #me: it is not fucking over and it's gonna get worse again because of this #a couple months later: oh god there's a new variant that resists vaccines we couldn't possibly have predicted or prevented this #ironically I got covid somewhere highly improbable back in 2022 and it promptly made my anxiety like 5x worse so now I'm even more annoying #I also just kinda. got worse at spelling and keeping track of information #it's deeply frustrating but at least I never lost taste/smell and meds have helped with the anxiety so eh #still this could have been avoided if people would just take the goddamn thing seriously #and I'm gonna be salty about it for the rest of my life

[saeshiraw]

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

#tw rant #studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not #its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels #so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday #i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me #n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone #yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my #friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep #of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle #but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today #i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts #and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics #just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people #im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier #im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk #and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know #but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac #h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe #ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch #people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and #seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want #are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to #spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was #i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next #“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes #me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good #but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im #intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout #but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one? #the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone