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everyonewasabird · 2 years

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Brickclub 4.8.7 ‘Old Heart and Young Heart Face to Face’

It’s hard to know how much sympathy Hugo wants us to have for Gillenormand here, which always makes this chapter hard. He’s a colossal dick, obviously, and I hope Hugo knows that. As Pilf has pointed out, he’s essentially a stock character from eighteenth century comedies given extra depth. I’m never sure whether that means we’re actually supposed to find him funny.

Because I think this really IS an excellent portrait of a violent, emotionally stunted, abusive old man. That his coldness comes from secret warmth nobody but he himself can perceive is an excellent character observation. It all feels incredibly true and well-observed.

..If Hugo wants me to think the secret warmth is more true than the cold abusiveness we’re going to have a fight, though.

But after these last few chapters, this chapter reads like the forensic analysis of a crime scene: Why does Marius react to minor interpersonal tensions with preemptive devastating coldness? See Exhibit A, his grandfather, who will always be colder, always more unpredictable, always more mocking, always more granite, and who will always seem to have more power than Marius feels like he can ever match.

It also reminds me, oddly, of the dynamic between Jane Eyre and her abusive Aunt Reed--from Jane Eyre:

I was a discord in Gateshead Hall: I was like nobody there; I had nothing in harmony with Mrs. Reed or her children, or her chosen vassalage. If they did not love me, in fact, as little did I love them. They were not bound to regard with affection a thing that could not sympathise with one amongst them; a heterogeneous thing, opposed to them in temperament, in capacity, in propensities; a useless thing, incapable of serving their interest, or adding to their pleasure; a noxious thing, cherishing the germs of indignation at their treatment, of contempt of their judgment. I know that had I been a sanguine, brilliant, careless, exacting, handsome, romping child—though equally dependent and friendless—Mrs. Reed would have endured my presence more complacently; her children would have entertained for me more of the cordiality of fellow-feeling; the servants would have been less prone to make me the scapegoat of the nursery.

That is, the fact that Jane meekly and quietly keeps her head down and tries to follow the rules exactly in the face of anger and violence is somehow not what her abusive relatives expect or want--had she not cowered and gone quiet, she suspects she would have been much less illegible to them. It’s obviously different from Marius and Gillenormand in that Aunt Reed straightforwardly dislikes Jane (and, unlike Gillenormand, she would have preferred the cheery neurotypical substitute), but there’s this same pattern of Jane and Marius’s autistic diffidence and obedient silence being read by the aggressor as a reason to escalate.

We move on to some horribly fitting parallels with last chapter. Where last chapter we saw Marius use his coldness to shape Cosette’s behavior into calling him master and offering unquestioning obedience to placate him, in this chapter, Gillenormand uses his coldness to shape Marius into repeating the word “father.”

We’re being shown exactly where Marius gets it from.

When Gillenormand changes tone in response to “father”:

There was now something so good, so soft, so open, so paternal in this brusqueness that Marius was made dizzy and almost drunk by the sudden shift from discouragement to hope.

Damn, does Hugo have a good grasp of the way the highs and lows of these abusive dynamics keep the victim 1) off-balance and 2) perpetually in hopes of getting back here. We saw this happen to Cosette at the end of last chapter.

Hugo seems to understand that this is happening, but not with anything like the level of alarm I get from it. He seems to think some amount of this... isn’t perfect, maybe, these men should do better, and Marius does well to get free of being under his grandfather’s influence, but it’s not totally out of keeping with what happens in families.

Which is a pretty serious underreaction to all this. And Hugo makes no suggestion that we should want Cosette to get free of it.

There are some very familiar motifs that show up in this chapter, and I have no idea what to make of them:

1) Because Gillenormand dresses like an Incroyable all the time, his daughter always puts a bishop’s outer garment on him to hide it. Myriel wore that garment to hide his fraying clothes so he didn’t have to buy more; there’s no way this isn’t significant.

Myriel and Gillenormand were born within a year or so of each other in a way that I think is meant to make them foils, and here they’re being paired again. I think it’s important that Gillenormand is concealing something very different with his bishop’s mantle--but I don’t know what it means that they look this similar.

It’s also important that we see how Mlle Gillenormand cowers and flees from her father’s rage in this chapter, and the way that while he sits by the fire, she sews alone in the other room. I don’t love everything about Myriel and Baptistine, but they sure weren’t THAT. Whatever this comparison is, Gillenormand is definitely coming out worse--but what is it for?

2) When Marius upsets him, Gillenormand turns pale and is compared to marble--a serious but usually sympathetic version of turning to stone. Last time we saw him, Marius was marble but Gilenormand was granite.

3) When Marius first gets up to leave, Gillenormand responds to the word “father” by dragging him back by the collar. That’s invoking Javert and the catching of criminals--but to what purpose? I have no idea.

#brickclub #lm 4.8.7 #cw: abuse #cw: gillenormand

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bondsmagii · 3 years

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Chris Chan has got to be one of the most documented people in the internet. I can't imagine having almost every detail of my life for the whole world to see even though I haven't done horrible things like Chris has

god I know right. the idea of everything being that documented... it's honestly eerie as hell. no matter what Chris Chan does or tries, it's all being watched and documented and analysed and man. to think she could have avoided all this if she had just unplugged the internet in like, 2007.

right now I'm still in the early stages, like 17 videos in or so. at the moment I just feel desperately sorry for her. I'm not sure what fucked up shit she might do going forward, and of course I know about the incest charges which is yikes all on its own, but at the moment I can't help but feel desperately sorry for her. like, it's funny in a car crash way, but it's also really not funny at all. right now she's just this autistic young adult living with two abusive parents, who's being harassed by dozens of people online. because of her autism she's incapable of being able to identify trolls until it's far too late, and then more trolls befriend her and she falls for the exact same tricks again because she's inherently too trusting and can't tell when people are being sarcastic or when they're actually ridiculing her. at the moment her closest friend is a girl named Kacey, who's trying to give Chris "advice" to better her life, and on the surface it's all solid advice -- get a job, exercise more, eat healthier, etc -- but it's all designed to set Chris up for more ridicule, and no matter what progress Chris reports, Kacey twists it and uses it to ridicule her and trash her confidence. earlier on I listened to a phone call recording where Chris's mother was caught berating Chris and emotionally manipulating her in the background, and when Chris got back on the line to Kacey, Kacey took Chris's mother's side and started also berating Chris for the same thing. it's honestly so fucked up -- like underneath all the inherent hilarity that comes from a situation so fucking weird, it's impossible to ignore the fact that this is an account of the long-term emotional abuse of a deeply vulnerable adult. whatever Chris might have done in the future, I firmly believe that there's a strong case to be made for the fact she was driven to this point. the constant trolling and the fact that she cannot trust anybody in her life to be who they say they are has created a deep rift between Chris and reality, and I wouldn't be surprised if she's been driven to honest to god clinical psychosis because of all the stress and torment.

if it had just been brief -- a spate of the earlier trolling at the beginning, where they teased her a bit about Sonichu and convinced her she was in a chat with Billy Mays or whatever, that would have been fine. everyone was getting trolled like that back in the day. but at some point it veered away from trolling and went into literal torture. like, I'm going to go under the cut here because this got suddenly serious on an ask that's pretty casual (sorry about that), but it's been bothering me since I saw it and I have to mention it now. sincere warning for anyone reading my Chris Chan documentary chronicles just for the lighter parts, because in my mind what I'm about to discuss is literal, actual torture of a disabled person.

the other day I watched the video where the trolls hacked into Chris's PlayStation account, which had a lot of games and progress she was obviously proud of. being autistic, she's obviously much more attached than these trolls can appreciate -- video games are clearly one of her special interests, and she understandably gets very distressed when the trolls threaten to sell the account. there's a whole bunch of convoluted stuff that happens, but the main event is that they use the leverage of the account to get Chris into doing shit to "win" it back. they end up making her cut her Sonichu medallion (a comfort item that she wears constantly) into four pieces, and stick the pieces up her ass. on video.

the video isn't shown on YouTube, obviously, but the audio is. in it, the trolls can be heard urging her on, insisting she stick it properly up there ("until I can't see it anymore", is how one of them put it). also captured on the audio is Chris, making sounds of pain and also apparently crying, which she is then ridiculed for.

I mean. I was genuinely disturbed by this, as I'm sure most people with even a smidgen of a conscience would be. this is sexual abuse. this is torture. this is not trolling, this is not doing something "for the lulz". this is a small group of genuine psychopaths banding together long after the regular trolling is done, to torture a person who is incapable of defending herself and who has no responsible adult in her life to protect her from people like this. this shit, when compared to legitimate harmless trolling like Liquid Chris, who winds Chris up but never actively harms her (at least to what I've seen so far) and is so ridiculous that everybody can see through it (even Chris herself, who knows that Liquid Chris is a faker and isn't being deceived by Liquid Chris in any way), is night and day. Liquid Chris is genuine trolling, the kind that aims to get you mad and then goes no further. what these other people are doing is abuse and torture. they're clearly a core group of individuals who realised they had an easy target and decided to take advantage of it, and they're all honest to god sociopaths. they should face charges for this shit.

I apologise for getting serious on this post, but I need to be honest here. as much as I'm enjoying the drama and the more ridiculous and admittedly hilarious bits of this story, between all the tamer pieces of legitimate trolling is a serious case of ableism. vulnerable adults like Chris are abused like this every day, and the fact that this can be so well-documented online and still nobody did anything to help her is absolutely astounding. because Chris is "cringe", everybody seemed to collectively decide that she deserved this treatment, when really at the end of the day she began as an autistic teenager who was super passionate about her OC and wanted to upload comics about him online. like. that was her only crime, and it ended like this.

just... god damn.

#anon #asks #chriscourse

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transsexualhamlet · 3 years

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asmr i psychoanalyze my favorite war criminal, aka calling out norman the essay

basically all of my thoughts on norman on one callout post because i care him (both manga and anime are discussed)

LINK TO RAY PSYCHOANALYSIS: https://chaoticgaymess.tumblr.com/post/646749875570196480/ray-81194-the-long-explanation

this is going to be ungodly long so here’s a keep reading, essay below the cut

((tw for suicidal ideation and self harm, brief discussion of eating disorders))

Disclaimer: no shipping is included here this is just about norman also they’re kids who call each other siblings

Thoughts: So you may be thinking, Rowan, why do you yell about the colorless war criminal so often? Well the answer lies in your honor the court hates to see a girlboss winning. Norman is a girlboss :) Yes norman is a tiny twink who can't lift a milk jug. And he is a girlboss :) Obviously I don't condone, um, eugenics and all, but that's not the point the point is that he satisfies my need for more characters like Levi motherfucking Calder from Unwind because I’m apparently an edgy 13 year old. Also all of his problems are violently things I can fix and I keep him around as a pet project because someone needs to give him a hug and slap him on the face

I diagnose him with things:

-pisces man :pensive:

-is he albino? Not literally. Is his skin so pale he would catch fire if he went outside at noon? Yes.

-autism: Yes I’m aware that calling him autistic makes him, problematic rep by perpetuating the autism unfeeling savant stereotype whatever but have you considered i’m autistic and I’m projecting also he’s L with standards? Anyway traits of AuTism he has: hyper fixation, canonically breaks and fixes things over and over because like ofc he does, doesn’t understand Emotion, hyperaware of body language at the same time as it all somehow flying over his head, low empathy, sensory experiences™, min maxed in certain areas, and I don’t think he’s got social interaction quite right? There’s something off about it

-gifted kid (derogatory) This is self explanatory but basically him being the smartest and the best in a competitive environment caused most of his issues, such as the perfectionism, the need to succeed, the lack of self esteem and ridiculously high expectations on himself, giving himself no breaks or time to relax, the “i must be productive with every second of my day or i will die” deal, the “peaked at 11” thing, the way in which he goes through life like there’s going to be a fucking test on it

-Eldest Daughter™ lmao. Norman’s always had to be mature, he’s always had to be the best, he’s always had to do the things Ray got out of bc he’s a snitch and Emma got out of because Isabella likes her. Norman gets respect from Isabella only if he excels, and her bar for him is astronomical. He doesn’t have the Mommy Issues that Ray has, but it’s because for him Isabella basically just reflected his expectations on himself, whereas with Ray it was more personal.

-low empathy (part of the autism thing): this one needs more explanation, but it’s not a bad thing in and of itself. Cognitive empathy is a thing and he can use it, but he does not instinctively understand other people’s emotions, or even recognize them properly, especially when the person is not like himself. This is obvious in Emma. Man has no fucking clue what’s going on in her head or why she does what she does, but he can predict what she will do in any given situation very well. He could understand the suicide attempt from ray he predicted more because Ray’s an easier equation to solve, and someone who’s more similar to him. I know he gets it because, well, motherfucker’s just as self desctructive as him, just in a more dignified manner.

-he’s got some sort of chronic illness. This is also me projecting and a headcanon but he’s got something going on, even before lambda pumped him full of growth hormones or whatever which they maybe should have Not Done but oh well. (I assume this just didn’t happen in the anime, since he’s still so fucking short) But he's So weak. He passed out when it was too hot. He passed out when it was too cold. He can’t open a pickle jar. His skin is too pale and he’s skinny af. He’s much more prone to sickness and probably has asthma too? But in the case that he did actually have something going on, I don’t think grace field would see the need to treat it, if it didn’t impact the quality of his meat? Isabella’s probably just “you have chronic pain and you get migraines? Great, take some tylenol and do some calculus.” Can’t say that probably helped anything.

personality type: ISTJ

Basically, he’s the most boring personality type to exist, and personally as an enfp i do not respect him. But basically this means he’s a fucking nerd that gets his projects done for school the day they’re assigned, is probably the president of the Anime Student Council™, and could probably get away with premeditated murder (ok actual istjs this is a joke don’t skin me)

The only trait that norman doesn’t have on the istj thing is telling the truth. Yeah, he values the truth, but like, that doesn’t apply to him, clearly. Bitch is a notorious liar.

The only other personality type he has any similarity with is intj, which is the same except it’s more rare and a purple theme instead of a blue theme. Sadly, that’s not him though, because although he can care more about some kinds of philosophy overall this isn’t the case and ray already occupies this personality type tbh.

strengths and weaknesses: This one’s kind of obvious, but he is aside from the crazy insane intelligence good at planning. Extremely good at planning. He can predict any outcome and figure out how to prevent it, using all his resources. For example he’s physically weak and someone could literally just walk up and stab him, but it doesn’t impede his progress on his goals because he’s surrounded himself with strong, mentally inferior people who would die for him in a heartbeat. He never gets stuck in some “everything is shit and i can’t do anything” deal like Emma and Ray do, he always works through it and has confidence in his abilities (in as much as he will solve the problem or die™. Weaknesses other than his twink body include his Low Wisdom score. It’s funny how he’s often associated with an owl, the mans is 14. He thinks he knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t. Plus obviously his fundamental misunderstanding of so much of everything going on around him, the fact that he lies not just to the world but himself, his refusal to take care of himself and his incredible cowardice. His achilles heel is being forced to, actually confront his actions.

what he likes about himself: He does pride himself on his mental abilities, and his judgement, which in his opinion is the only correct opinion and the only correct way. In the past, he likes being seen as a leader, he likes being responsible for other people. He likes his ability to manipulate and lie, because he sees it as an asset, and I honestly think he enjoys being william minerva more than he enjoys being Norman. He prides himself on his unhealthy expectations and the fact that he is able to meet them. Honestly, he does think he’s better than everyone else, mentally, though it’s humbled by his self hatred. Cursed thought: If Norman had self esteem he would be light yagami.

what he doesn’t like about himself/insecurities: Oh god, nearly everything. His appearance, his status, his superiority, his physical inability, his own mess of a mind, also have I mentioned his appearance. He’s obsessed with self control. He wants everything he sees wrong with himself gone. And I understand why having control of everything is necessary and appealing, everything for him has always been rigid and planned out from moment one, he was even more regulated in lambda, and though he desperately wants to Not Be Food, he has no idea what to do with the chains now that he’s broken out of them. So he just wraps them around himself. Regulates to an unhealthy degree when he sleeps, what he eats, when he actually takes even minimal care of his own problems, what he looks like, how much of himself he lets show, the expressions on his face, the literal thoughts inside his own head he will shut down if they are not Correct. It’s literal self harm. Norman, please stop it.

motivations/goals in life/general philosophy: To be honest, I’m not sure he knows what he wants. He sure thinks he does, he could sure give you a memorized answer, but it means nothing. He wants to excel. He wants Emma to be happy. He wants to be perfect and for that to make everything perfect. But he doesn’t realize everything he’s working towards will do pretty much the opposite of that. He’s a crippling perfectionist, and pretty much everything he does is motivated by his fear of failing. He picks the certain path, he doesn’t wait for anyone else, he doesn’t care if it’s not nice. Emma foils that a most of the time because he cares about her, but it can only go so far, especially after he’s had so much time without her to develop a Complex. His philosophy is very contradictory, basically the tokyo ghoul “everything bad that happens to you stems from a lack of ability”. All of his problems are his fault. All the world’s problems are his to fix. If he can’t fix them, it’s his fault, it’s because he wasn’t strong enough, and not being perfect condemns someone forever, including himself.

how he’s perceived by others vs how he actually is: In most people there wouldn’t truly be much of a difference, but with Norman things are different, because, well, most of his personality in grace field is a put on, as well as the tough guy dictator thing he radiates after lambda. How he appears to someone is determined by the context of their meeting- the kids at grace field see him as a nerdy, weakish, pretty boring kid who is really caring and kind. The researchers at lambda see an obedient, beaten down and perfectionistic boy. The lambda kids see him as an infallible leader, ruthless and genius, a good man who knows what’s right. But in truth none of that is him. It’s a fucking chess game to him, putting on different faces, lying and pretending and treating everyone differently. In truth? He’s a fucking coward. He’s scared out of his mind and he’s tired and he can’t take pain, he’s obsessed with reaching some goal he deems is necessary that in the end is going to be his death because he doesn’t want to face the consequences of his actions. He’s taken on the role of someone evil, though deep down he’s not, he feels it’s easier to live that way because it strips him of his conscience.

interpersonal relationships: In general, Norman sees all relationships in a pretty dim light. He sees everyone as black and white, for the most part, and other people make no sense to him intuitively, he has to figure them out like a puzzle. He’s manipulative and not particularly kind, but he follows all societal expectations to a T, overly focused on his appearance and placing the person he’s interacting with into a Category™. So he can be truly kind, to people he feels deserve it, to people who he values and doesn’t see flaws in. He gets incredibly attached to people he loves, protective, though he often doesn’t take their own feelings on the matter into consideration, and he’s ruthless with anyone who he deems a bad person. With people he understands and relates to, though, things can be different. If he sees someone as like himself, he will drop all the social interaction police bullshit and cut to the chase of whatever he wants or needs from them, and he’s not very forgiving in any manner, if he thinks what someone did is actually bad.

Emma: Norman obviously cares a lot about Emma, and honestly views her as better than anyone else. He realizes her moral integrity and all of the things she has and he doesn’t, and admires it. Because of his black and white view, Emma is like an angel to him. She couldn’t do anything wrong if she tried. But he comes to treat her as something to be protected instead of respected, and although he realizes she wouldn’t like what he’s doing, he fundamentally cannot empathize with her and doesn’t try to understand her. Their personalities are very literally opposite. Norman really needs to fucking listen to her. And Emma needs to understand that Norman doesn’t have a single ounce of empathy and you really do need to spell it out for him. Emma can only convince him when she has logical reasons for her actions, which she, doesn’t often have. And Emma gave Norman too much slack, because she didn’t see past the surface, and Ray never wanted to warn her, even though he knew the dude was showing a bunch of red flags, because you know. It was kind of an unspoken deal between them. (on ray’s part)

Ray: His relationship with Ray is a lot more complicated than with Emma. He understands Ray, where he doesn’t understand Emma, and he can see right through anything Ray does. And this makes things really tense between them, because Ray doesn’t, take kindly to being psychoanalyzed. If someone perceives him he will deck them and Norman is just there silently perceiving him at all times when Emma doesn’t see it. They are both constantly in competition with each other, but they care about each other a lot, though it’s kind of in a derogatory way. They both recognize each other as fundamentally fucked up, and silently agree never to bring it up with Emma. They’re nice to each other when she’s around, but all pretenses disappear when she’s gone. Ray is always frustrated with Norman, because Norman’s never been intimidated by him, and though he tries his best not to be vulnerable around him, Norman can always see through it, whereas Ray can’t crack Norman’s fake fucking smile no matter what he does. Norman will always take Emma’s side, and doesn’t see Ray as a good person at all, but he still understands and can excuse him, he takes measures to be… worse than Ray, which is better in his mind, because it’s rational, and ‘not selfish’.

Isabella: She has always had ridiculously high expectations for Norman, and treats him kind of harshly compared to the others. Bitch has heat stroke and Isabella’s first question is a calculus problem instead of like, “are you ok”. She knows he doesn’t complain about anything ever and she doesn’t stop him from being Terrible to himself, because it makes her job easier. They want smart kids, not mentally adjusted kids. She does really care for all of them, but she basically overrides it, she gives them what they want, not what they need, lets them be exactly what they’re making themselves. Isabella is distant with Ray but gives him anything he wants, she’s close and super nice with Emma, but Norman is… it’s weird. Isabella is proud of him because he meets her astronomically high bar. But at the same time, Norman never really cared for her that much and has never pretended to. Once they discover The Thing, though, he has a revelation, and it doesn’t take him long to switch his entire perspective about her. He’s pretty much like. Oh. She’s like me. That explains it, time to treat her like I treat myself: fucking brutally. Passive aggressive as hell. The kind of energy the :) emoticon at the end of an email gives. He does like just go “yeah we should kill her” at one point, which. You know, ok. When he got shipped out it was hhhh really interesting because Isabella knew full well he knew he was walking to his death and Norman was like “are you Truly Happy?” and just went :) and she was like h u h and tried to get him to talk while they were walking there because she feels Bad about it and he just. Did not. He didn’t say a single word just kind of smiled menacingly at her and I think it was half a sort of rebellion and half because he viewed her as similar to himself and therefore felt no need to put up any front with her, no words were necessary for him to impart exactly how he felt about it

Lambda kids: His relationship with the lambda kids is weird and bittersweet. I think he really truly does care about them, they were in a similar situation to his and he wants them to get what they want. However it is not a healthy or beneficial relationship, they see him as a god and don’t realize that he’s killing himself to give them what they want, he’s basically adopted them when out of anyone norman’s the one that should least be in charge of kids. I think he’s honestly younger than them but I’m not sure if they even know. He acts like their fucking mom, and that’s from what he thinks mothers are like… like isabella?? Giving them what they want, not what they need, lying to them, showing a front, caring deeply for them but at the same time using them for his own ends. And it’s not helpful for him. He thinks he knows what they need, but what he’s doing is what they want. What they need is therapy,(and so does norman), and he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with using them as weapons because they love him. It makes him feel good, to be seen as perfect, to have people who don’t know how weak he really is. But it’s only making him worse, and he’s enabling everything the lambda kids are doing wrong as well. They need like, Yuugo and Lucas. Some actual adults who are actually wise and have the ability and the knowledge to take care of them and understand their mental problems and maybe actually address them. And actually be nice to them. But um sadly.

what he’s doing wrong: It’s pretty obvious, but… Norman, you maybe *shouldn’t* commit genocide? You’re not helping emma, you’re not making anything better. You’re not helping the lambda kids, you’re enabling them. You’re not helping your friends from grace field, you’re ignoring what they want. You’re not helping the world, you’re eradicating an entire race from the face of the earth and murdering the poor for the crimes of the fucking 1%. You’re not being a martyr, you’re a selfish piece of shit liar you little coward, you just want an easy way out and you want to die on your bloody fucking hill instead of admitting you’re wrong. Grow up, cringe little man.

why he went wrong: I think most of the reason this happened was the way he was raised combined with the kind of person he is. Norman would have turned out fine, if there has been good adults in his life who actually cared about his well being. Instead he got people who just wanted to control him and make him what they needed, and family who largely didn’t realize there was anything wrong. Ray being an ass to him most of forever probably didn’t help but well, that’s just Ray. Even then, he would have managed alright if he escaped with the rest of the kids because he would never have been separated from the experiences that caused the rest of them to realize demons weren’t all evil. In lambda he didn’t have anyone supporting him or telling him when things went too far, so he fell into relying on himself alone, pushing himself further with absolutely no limits. All he saw was enemies and allies, and things got stratified. He never had a lucas or a yuugo or mujika when he would have needed it, instead he found children who wanted him to be in charge and a world that made it so he had to be. Everything was an echo chamber for his worst thoughts, so they just became more and more dominant.

what he needs: To put it simply, he needs Emma and Ray to cut to the chase and slap him across the face and make him take care of himself. He needs to be forced to see everything for what it really is- this edgy 14 year old committing atrocities to feel better about himself? He needs to be told that what he’s doing is irrational, because in reality, it is. There are better solutions that he’s ignoring, both to his own suffering and the demons, and the way he’s going now no one will truly be happy because of it, that there is no requirement that things be perfect and this bullshit doesn’t make him stronger. He needs someone responsible to take the fucking dagger out of his hands. He also needs someone to babysit him and make him go to bed at a reasonable time.

i describe his personality through songs on my spotify playlist for him:

-outrunning karma by alec benjamin: this one super applies because it calls him out for making shitty decisions, being manipulative and a liar, and having blood on his hands in a very calm and subdued manner, that he knows this is wrong and yet he chooses to keep running faster and faster towards destruction, that he means to escape it through death

-empty by boyinaband and jaiden: yes this is a song about anorexia yes it also applies to norman i’m not saying norman literally has an eating disorder (but honestly it wouldn’t be far out of character if he did) but metaphorically this applies to his method of ignoring his needs, both emotional and physical, in favor of seeming in control

-toxic thoughts by faith marie: this one speaks to his gifted kid trauma. Man’s got perfectionism running his entire soul. He’s terrified of failing, because he’s always been at the very top, he’ll beat himself up over any miniscule mistake and forces himself to keep at bad habits that keep him Productive, but he won’t ask for help no matter how much he’s suffering because that would be failing, he fights with his mind, this song basically tells him “yeah i feel you but you need to stop that”

-no time to die by billie eilish: ignore the romantic overtones but this is emma and norman, emma who trusted norman and was lied to, betrayed, for norman’s greater good, and norman who refuses to feel or hurt because of it, who refuses to apologize or see himself as wrong, pushes forward because he’s going to Pass Away

-achilles come down by gang of youths: hhhhh it's like. His vibe. Obviously you can disregard the lifestyle specific shit but it's. It's achilles come down you have to understand it’s like the same deal as friend, please just like french and longer

-friend, please by 21 pilots: i feel like i don't have to explain this one but it’s more to the manga (not the anime where he kind of figures out he done did wrong by himself instead of committing unforgivable sins and still going yeah this is valid before emma is like holy fuck). He is like sorry emma I cannot fix anything I’m going to die :) *coughs blood* and emma going like stop it stop it stop it fuck you see you fucked up and i forgive you just stop don’t walk away while he’s like “no<3”

why im a repressed little norman kinnie even tho he’s my exact opposite: I don’t generally kin ppl like norman, honestly he’s an infj I have no clue how it happened but I’m pretty sure it’s because of my intense desire to project onto a little man who cannot lift a milk jug and has chronic pain and decides you know what I AM tired of being nice i DO wanna go apeshit. Also he’s a twink. A little bastard. He’s a terrible person and I go mood every time he does anything. I said mood when he fell out of a tree. Don’t know what this says about me, I swear I wouldn’t commit no genocide. He’s like the inverse of Yoichi Saotome, and somehow i kin him too. Damn.

Miscellaneous headcanons:

-man’s SO attached to his william minerva cloak. He’s a wispy little bitch, you know he’s wearing that thing inside the house, he’s fucking cold. It also makes him Look Important he can retreat into it like an emo middle schooler with an oversized sweatshirt

-although you could probably get Mad street cred from having two whole brands you know he’s not gonna whip it out and show off his lambda thing he’s incredibly self conscious and his chest hasn’t seen the sun in years

-norman’s got MAD laundry skills to be able to wear like, all white all the time while constantly murdering people. I think he’s the only one who knows to do the laundry. And Ray is the only one who knows how to cook.

-but even then there’s gotta still be a few questionable stains on that thing, but if anyone asks he’s like “ketchup” “I’ve literally never seen you eat anything with that much color” “ketchup :)” *coughs blood*

-he’s probably thought “well i have not literally coughed blood yet today so I am not legally obligated to take care of myself”

-He probably adopted much of his current personality from taking on the persona of william minerva. I’m calling him out for being like me, he’s a blank motherfucker, he absorbs personality traits from characters he plays! He’s just not in theatre so it’s a bit more intense!

-the first time he sees barbara Eating Demon Meat he kinda stares and goes oh cool! not for me and violently exits the room. Like it's hilarious bc he thinks that's really gross on a moral level though he understands why she would do it

-Which is even funnier bc I’m not sure about the canon on this but there was That Chapter Cover that one time that kinda seemed to imply norman eating demon meat which i absolutely latched onto because I’m terrible. He was just politely eating it. With a knife and fork like why dude. As to a possible reason for him doing that I can come up with, of course barbara does it out of spite, but man we don’t know the properties, if it had some sort of painkilling aspect to it or it was like, caffeine, you know he would, but he would Definitely not talk about it

-I kinda disagree with what the anime did in episode eight? It was good I liked it and the imagery was fantastic but also have you considered Norman could not kill someone with his own hands if he tried, or even physically injure them? That’s what his minions are for shawty. That doesn’t make it any less bad, of course, but the manga captured it perfectly by the fact of he carries around a dagger and a scepter in the capitol battle, but he never even raises it out of more than intimidation. He walks through calmly like he’s not scared at all but he makes sure all the lambda kids do all the actual murder, he just stands there impartially, clearly The Mastermind, as the kids fucking murder the queen of the demons. And I think that’s more profound because he’s, a coward. And he doesn’t realize being the one who orders the strike makes you just as responsible as the one who sticks the knife in someone. The knife is just there to Compensate™ for the fact that he weighs like eighty pounds.

-he’s more of like lady macbeth (because he’s a girlboss) than macbeth himself. He has blood on his hands, but it’s the kind of blood that you can’t wash off. He never killed anyone himself, and he cannot admit he never would have been able to.

-the last thing is that there are definitely epic things about the anime, episode 8 was my favorite so far, goddamn that imagery and the bitch walking through the city while it burns down with the screaming asmr going on behind him my god. We stan. But like the downside of, letting Emma and Ray get to him before he commits first degree murder makes the whole thing lose a lot of his value. In the manga (oh my god look at me being a pretentious manga fan please) it fit more of his ideas- he never backed down, and he planned for Emma coming and trying to stop him. Of course he wanted Emma to stop him, he wanted it with all his fucking heart he was pleading for it to happen but the man wouldn’t give himself what he wanted if he was held at gunpoint. He knew she’d come and he made absolutely sure she wouldn’t be able to stop him. So when she came and he said “you’re too late”??? It kind of said it all, in the fact that he was disappointed that he got his way. He still thought he did the right thing, but deep down there where he shoved all his thoughts and feelings he desperately wanted to be saved from himself.

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Feel free to eviscerate me if these are not Correct he is just my favorite girlboss who I feel the need to yell at

#tpn #the promised neverland #yakusoku no neverland #tpn norman #norman tpn #essay post #god why do i do this to myself #dear god help me this is 5000 words #rowan's hyperfixation essays

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lovely-necromancy · 3 years

Text

A Cure for Insomnia CH 16

////TW SA mentioned/hinted at/// Depiction of a panic attack as well

The hospital was a buzz with energy, which was a bit weird considering how small the town was. Were there really this many patients today? You honestly didn't know, hell for the longest time you weren't even sure this was a hospital when you moved here.

That was changed recently, like very recent. Last night in fact when you had been forced awake by medical staff trying to determine your condition. That sadist doctor of yours kept a small smile on their face the entire time you groaned about wanting sleep. They had simply tutted at you saying you needed to be monitored for several hours before they could let you rest.

Thankfully you hadn't seen them today but it was only ten thirty. A lovely nurse had been checking in with you all morning, even before you woke up. He'd come in when you had buzzed after waking up in pain and given you a dose of your medicine through your IV drip. When you questioned him about where you were he seemed to still in concern. Worried that you hadn't remembered your accident that lead you here.

After assuring him and giving him a play by play of your day yesterday, giving him the assumed day, and answering who the current president was he let you off the hook. Mark, your nurse, had been very keen to tell you the Cowell family is in charge of your care and will be here later in the day to visit with you. Granted you actually feel up to visitors. Which you take as code for 'would you like me to deny visitors?'.

You let him know you'll be fine with visits after ten. Knowing full well how fast news can travel in the small town it's only a matter of time before a parade of Hornets meander through to check in on you. First you wanted to grab your bearings before being thrown to your overly concerned friends.

Or maybe they weren't overly concerned after all you did just experience a home invasion that left you hospitalized. Simply being concerned is a natural reaction to your situation. But your head hurts just thinking about anything right now. So, you'd like to take a moment for yourself, have a bit of time to process everything.

Either way you'd been right, news travels fast in this small town. Nearly all the lodge residents had been waiting for an hour to see you when ten rolled around. At ten on the dot Aubrey, Barclay, and Jake stormed into your room and surrounded you like piranhas in a frenzy. You looked towards Dani, Hollis, Kirby, and several other lodge staff members for help only to get small smiles and a shake of the head.

They wouldn't be helping you out of this anytime soon. You just had to endure the genuine concern and affection from your friends. Luckily for your splitting head the visit only lasts thirty minutes before everyone has to leave. Life still goes on even when a loved one is in the hospital. With several promises to return tomorrow and requests that you take it easy the rambunctious group was gone.

You relax into your bed before turning on the TV and finding something mind numbing to watch. The food network works! You hope Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives is in the roll today. You're in luck as it starts playing right after the commercials.

The voice of your doctor is getting closer to your room. Great if you weren't already upset by the atrocity happening with the pizza at that restaurant then you are surely in a sour mood now.

“Well sir we hope you can reason with the child. They have simply fought us each time we've brought up the tests. We'd say it was mildly impressive that they held such coherence last night, had it not been for the headache it has given us.”

Oh here we fucking go again.

“I don't need the tests.”

No one had made it through the threshold before you spoke. Everyone froze at your cold tone. Until the doctor makes a motion towards you.

“As you can see, they're very stubborn.”

“I'm not stubborn you're just not listening to me. I haven't had sex in a year so I don't need a pregnancy test and I just got bashed around last night. I don't need an invasive search done.” You ignore the Cowell family as you speak to the doctor, “I find it concerning how keen you are to do a rape test on me even though I've repeatedly told you I just got banged up in the scuffle. Nothing more.”

The doctor still has their small smile placed just ever so on their face. There's something really off about them. Even under normal circumstances you hate hospitals and doctors. Mainly because they never listen to you about your issues, something you know would be even worse if you had 'Autistic' labeled in a medical file. But something about this doctor seriously rubbed you the wrong way. Perhaps you two knew each other in previous life and it was coming back to bite you in the ass now.

“Doc, the kid says they don' need a test, then they don' need the test.” Big Jo says breaking the staring contest between you and the doctor as they slide their gaze away from you to look at Big Jo.

You take no little satisfaction from seeing their stupid smile finally leave their face. It isn't long before it's replaces and they bound over to you. Poking and prodding you, jabbing with a lot more force than they should need to. After a small adjustment to your IV they clear you for this check up and allow the Cowells to have their visit with you.

“Something's off about them.” you say cautiously after the family steps into the room.

Big Jo sighs, “Ye' but they took care 'o ya last night kid.” Ushering his family through he closes the door behind them only to turn back to you with a stern expression, “so ya better play nice with 'em got it?”

Fighting back the intense urge to roll your eyes you nod, before turning to Little Jo who's made her way over to your bedside in her hands several thick graphic novels. The same ones your store started to carry a few weeks back. Looking up from the books you see her watery and puffy eyes. What she takes from Big Jo in personality she takes from her mother in empathy.

“I-I-I yip-yip I thought yip you might get bored so I yup wanted to let you borr-yip-borrow these.”

When she places the books onto the small table beside your bed you can see the tremors that rake through her hands. Choosing not to comment or bring any attention on the tween's obvious nerves you settle for an ice breaker.

“Thanks, don't know how much more crimes against pizza I can stomach.” motioning to the TV where a man is making paper thin crust on pizza to have a pizza that cooks in a minute.

That's not pizza it's cooked cheese and tomato sauce with toppings. Not pizza at all.

Jo nods softly, her normal enthusiasm no where to be found today. A pang rips through your chest as you watch her eyes cast downwards. With no clue how to help her feel better you have to swallow the sigh in your throat to not make the air heavier than it already is. Dia and Big Jo aren't much help either when you spare them a glance.

Dia herself is wiping her eyes with a tissue and sniffles escape her every few seconds. Not much is different bout Big Jo, he may have more prominent eye bags today but you weren't going to judge him for not sleeping. Even under normal circumstances you didn't have ground to stand on. Mark mentioned Big Jo was the one who found you from what he'd over heard at the nurses' station this morning.

Knowing this made the foreboding feeling in your stomach grow. The way he's looking at you with his cold stoney stare-he's not even really looking at you more through you. But his stare pierces you and sends the pit in your stomach lower than you thought possible. If it wasn't so chilly in the room you'd probably be sweating right now.

“Dia, why don' ya take Josephine home.”

Hearing this you lift your hand up to Little Jo before she has a chance to scurry out of the room with her mother. She looks at your hand and then back to you before launching herself into you with a crushing hug. Gravity doesn't help your case as the child's entire weight is on your prone form, you hadn't sat up when they came into the room.

“Get better soon.” the pain was worth it to hear the small plea. She at least felt a little better if she could talk without her vocal tic interrupting her.

After you pat her on the back and promise to rest up she's out the door with her sobbing mother. It's a quiet few moments after the door shuts before Jo takes a step towards your bed. If the pit in your stomach went any lower you're sure you'd be able to see your insides. The hulking man takes a seat in the chair next to your bed sighing as he leans back rubbing his face.

“Tell me what happened kid.”

You relay the events of your day to him. How you and Toby had gone out of town for slushies, gotten caught in so much traffic that you felt it was a punishment from God himself. The funny feeling you had after dropping Toby off, the one that said just to go straight home. And how you had a feeling someone had just been in your home. You left nothing out about the altercation with ski mask. That wasn't saying much because you only remember the ski mask and how you tried to claw their face off. When Jo pressed you for a physical description you weren't any help. Having been too caught up in survival mode you only registered the stupid frowny face on the ski mask as being a key detail...but any fool could laser transfer a decal. And the same went for that painted mask, anyone could grab an art store face mask and block paint some black over the features.

Vaguely you recall them wearing a jacket. Had it been red, yeah like a burnt burgundy maybe? It wasn't a lot to go on and seemed to frustrate Jo even more, if the pinching of his nose was anything to go by.

“You are aware of the situation, yea?” his accent has dropped, he's speaking in a more neutral tone and inflection. This might be the most rattling moment of the week-and it's only Tuesday.

He isn't looking at you so you give a quiet 'yes sir' in response.

“Kid your car got broken into on my lot. Your home gets invaded and you get bashed around/ All this a few months after my other front end girlie disappears in the middle of the night.”

A lump forms in your throat at the mention of Bambi. You can see the pattern he's stringing together, honestly you saw it long before today. You'd just been sloppy and took too much time to gather evidence of your stalkers' existence. Bambi's disappearance wasn't voluntary and it looks like you may be next.

“Called Lydia already and we're upping the security at the cottage. Until I'm satisfied with the level of security you will be staying with us.”

“I co-cou” the lump was hard to speak around, “I can't impose like that, it's fine I'll-”

“You'll just what sleep in your car become an easier target? Go gallivanting to towns miles away where no one knows you.” his harsh words cause you to sputter, “For Christ's sake YN we don't know who we're dealing with right now!”

You don't make eye contact with Jo. You can't make eye contact he's raised his voice. You're lucky you're laying down or else you'd be rocking back and forth right now.

“Unless you have a clue who's out there and the police catch them, this decision is final. This isn't up for debate YN.” he finishes harshly

Even though he's finished you still can't look at him, your nerves are so shot and all you can do is bite your lip.

“Look I...I'd feel a lot more comfortable knowing you weren't out on your own while this gets handled. Josephine looks up to ya like an older sibling, she'd be crushed if you ended up like Bambi. Same goes for Dia. And I don't want that for my girls.” he says softly, “Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes sir.”

With that Jo leaves you in the room after informing you that they'd be back to check you out of the hospital tomorrow. And that you could expect a visit from Sheriff Owens at some point before then.

Even after Jo leaves it feels like someone has your heart in a vice. And every few beats they squeeze it, constricting the flow of freshly oxidized blood to your body. For good measure they try to yank the organ straight from your chest cavity but just end up bruising your rib cage.

Oh God you can't breathe, you're trying but you can't tell if you are or aren't anymore. The beeping of you heart monitor is increasing with each second. It's annoying ringing is too much and you need to rip the cords from you immediately. That just makes the ringing worse as it flat lines not finding any beating or rhythm under your skin.

Soon you're swarmed with a team of nurses trying to settle you down in your panic induced haze. Their grabbing hands and forceful touches burn your skin and light a fire that travels through your veins; and only serves to make you thrash more. Taking a swing at the nurse who holds a needle you continue your struggle against the other bodies holding you down as she stumbles away.

A few nurses rush in from the door to help her, not that you notice.

So many of the sounds are merging together and you can't understand anything. From the shrill beep of the heart monitor, the voices calling out at various pitches, footsteps. Everything forms into one gigantic frantic pitch in your already fried mind.

A growl rips through the room, you can feel the vibration of it all over you. Did that come from you?

In an instant all hands are off of your panting form and just before you can sit up a deep pressure is applied to your torso. Warmth seeps into you as the pressure lowers itself onto your body. Effectively ending your meltdown and lulling you into a dissociative state.

Floating is the only way you can describe it. The sensation of weightlessness and a gentle rocking caused by the adrenaline trying to defuse itself back into the body. Or the foggy haze that clouds your mind as you try to remember what just happened. Trying to rational the series of events and this outcome. But nothing comes to you except more brain fog. A confusing storm of frustration and vulnerability hits you. And you are left powerless to do anything. You can't kick your legs or scream as much as you want to.

The weight on top of you is forcing a calm to wash over you while the emotions inside wish to break free like a whirlwind. Your distress kick starting the whirlwind back up again only to die like a camp fire in a thunderstorm when you can't get any sort of momentum to your tantrum.

You can only loose yourself to the fogginess drifting further away from your psychical body. Completely unaware of the world around you as it washes away into nothingness.

When the floating feeling finally lifts you have to blink to shake off the remaining stupor. You're able to tell there is still a heavy weight on top of you but also something holding down your left hand. You turn away from the wall that you've been staring blankly at for hours, if your sore neck is anything to go by, and see Connor perking up at your movement.

“Hey bud,” you raise a hand to ruffle his ear and he lays his big head back onto your chest. “hey Tobes.” voice cracking as you greet the man you assume is holding your hand in a death grip, not once looking up from Connor.

There's a tight squeeze on your hand and you have to close your eyes and take a minute to collect yourself before turning to face him. The last thing you remember before drifting off was a group of nurses trying to sedate you. Having no clue what went on after that and when Toby came in you're preparing for the worst. Finally facing him you pause when you make eye contact.

“Jesus! What happened to-to-to you!?”

When you'd last seen him you'd dropped Toby off in the same shape you got him. Now he's sporting a heavily swollen black eye, one that looks pretty bade considering his nose bridge is also swelling a bit. It almost looks like it's pulsing. The dark purple bruise and deep red bleeding from under it to spread away from the injury is such a drastic contrast to his weirdly grayish complexion. You aren't sure if the black eye is actually that bad or if it just looks that way due to Toby's lack of melanin.

“Tim and I got into a fight.” his one good eye cuts to the side, “Barkclay had to split us up. Drove me here to get it checked out, it's fine.” He's dismissing it, they probably can't figure out if his eye really is fine right now, since he can't feel pain and that thing looks tightly swollen shut.

“Barclay.” is the only thing you can manage to say. Your brain wasn't prepared for most things right now and it's having trouble processing the gnarly injury mixed with complete nonchalance.

His lips pull back into a smile and not one you've seen from him before. Sure you've pulled a couple genuine mirth filled smiles out of him, or seen his teasing smirks, or bashful shy smiles when you've been out with others. But this smile, if you could even call it that-it was more like he was barring his teeth. Toby looked ready for another fight or like he was a feral predator about to rip out it's prey's jugular. There's a brief flash of a image that pops into your mind's eye, one of Toby's bloodstained face with this exact expression, teeth soaked red with blood and chunks of flesh in between . A chill runs through you at the thought. Had Connor not been laying on top of you, you would have shivered.

The instant you squeeze Toby's hand, the smile wipes off his face and he stares down at your interlocked hands. He returns the gesture before bringing his other hand over. Looking up at you through his eyelashes he flips your hand and when your expression doesn't change and you don't pull away he begins to play with your fingers.

“What was the fight about?”

“I don't have to answer that.” his tone is short and clipped.

You don't press the subject, obviously Toby doesn't want to talk about it. And you're fine with that, anyway if the fight was bad enough for Barclay to need to break it up and he drove Toby here you can assume Tim instigated and is probably getting kicked back out into the RV with no AC. As bad as it sounds you could care less. Toby's your friend not Tim, you only care if Toby's ok and while he may have a very fucked up eye in the future, right now he seems like normal Toby. A bit more irritated and on edge but that's normal after a stressful day. Hell you punched a nurse a few hours ago.

“What happened to you?”

There's a small part of you that wants to sass Toby, that you don't have to answer that. Thankfully the rational side reminds you that fight with a roommate is very different than having been beaten in a home invasion. Once again retelling your story but this time starting after you dropped Toby off. No need in going into as much detail as you went into with Jo or how much you'll need to go into with the sheriff. Toby's hands would grip yours tightly throughout your recounting. It's one of the reasons you didn't go into a ton of detail. Understanding your friend is barely holding on by a string on his good days you aren't about to load your stress along with his already eventful day.

“You can't stay there alone.” he says after you finish the recap.

“Uh duh? Like Jo's already ordered me under house arrest at his house.”

It's like the tension leaks out of him like air leaving a balloon with the way he deflates after you say that. His grip loosens on you hand and he goes back to idly playing with your fingers.

“Good...that's good.” he nods to himself.

In the silence of this hospital room with his service dog on you instead of attending to his clear anxiety ridden form, you realize Toby's a lot more caring than his exterior lets on. The brunette might not wear his heart on his sleeve but it's easy to see it once you know what you're looking for. In this moment as battered and bruised as he is, even the potential possibility of loosing function in his left eye, he's more concerned with you. Whether it's low self worth or just how he treats friends you'll have to find out later.

“Hey...Tobias, I'm here y'know?” you start to sit up waving off a pecking Connor. Once you're far enough up you retract from Toby's grip, which he does fight you on a little. And you reach out further to his bicep, you can't quite reach his shoulder in this position.

“I'm ok Tobes, I'm here.” for some reason 'Tobias' doesn't sound right for this moment.

Toby doesn't give much of a reaction which is fine since you weren't really expecting one. He places his hand over yours for a moment before bringing it back into his grip and fixates on playing with your fingers once again.

With a smile you go to pet Connor with you free hand, hoping Toby might shake himself out of this funk. After a bit of petting you grow restless with the lack of stimulation and ask Toby to pass you on of the graphic novels Little Jo left for you.

It's easier than you thought reading with one hand would be, especially since you can prop the book on Connor who doesn't seem to mind. Pup is resting across your legs now that both humans in the room are stable enough to function without his intervention.

When you finish the first book Toby speaks up, eye still focused on your hand in his. And you find out that although the series isn't his normal thing he did enjoy the art style and a few of the jokes. He waits for you to finish each book before talking more about them and the arc of the story they laid out. Opening up for the two of you to have a nice discussion on the fantasy game based series. It's honestly so much fun for you, where you lack in background awareness Toby is quick to fill you in and point out little ques the writers and artist dropped. In return you're right there explaining character motives and the subtle looks of a character's eyes.

It's a fun few hours before visiting hours are over. And Toby paused at the door before he left, he looked like he wanted to say something but held back. Just as he turned to leave you call out.

“Get home safe.” it's normally his line but you aren't going anywhere tonight.

“I will....get well soon. I'll see ya later.”

There's that awkward smile! You can barely contain the beaming one you sent him before he left. Despite being hospitalized for injuries sustained by a home invasion from your potential stalker...well plural now, you've had a pretty great day.

Fuck that sounds so bad. Should you feel guilty about forgetting your messed up circumstances? No, no everything is getting sorted out. If anything this is going along with your plans for Big Jo to help you out. This was more than enough evidence to prove that you aren't just paranoid. And you're about to have a safe place to hang while this all gets settled.

The fact that you got injured is less than ideal but this is what you get for being sloppy and unfocused.

You have a lot of faith in your boss, you know this will be dealt with. Thinking back to everyone who came to see you today...you just hope everyone can be as confident as you are that this will all end soon.

#a cure for insomnia #ticci toby #ticcitoby #ticci tobyx reader #ticci toby x reader #tobias erin rogers #Timothy Wright #timothy wright x reader #timothy wright x brian thomas #Brian Thomas #brian thomas x reader #masky x reader #creepypasta fanfic

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zhaozi · 3 years

Text

when someone wants to blame me and people i occasionally speak to for them hypothetically attempting something if they were in a depressed episode then maybe it’s time for the truth to be put out in the open. i’m sincerely glad you’re not in a depressed episode, but maybe you should think about whether other people are. blaming them for something you might have done given a hypothetical what if isn’t fair to anyone.

axelle (@piningbisexuals) decided that she was going to post all about how me some other people in the thai drama community were attempting to run her off the platform by bullying her but she’s strong and she’ll pull through. what she neglected to mention is that the people who were ‘bullying and harrassing her’ were lgbt voices who wanted explainations for what could be considered microagressions or homophobic behaviour.

i can’t speak for everyone but i took my concerns to her directly through direct messages because there was no need to get anyone else involved. (important fact before we continue: i am autistic, it take 3 seconds to find out this information on my about me page). as a result of my autism i understand i can often come across as blunt but unfortunately i don’t have the luxury of turning my disability off. i tried to be as polite as possible when contacting axelle any time i had queries and she responded in ways that confused me.

i appreciate that english isn’t her first language so i shared screenshots of a messgae with @yihwas to ask for her opinion on whether the phrase ‘you did good’ was patronising in the context of the message. upon finding out this information, axelle took it upon herself to twist the events and state them in a way that made her seem more like a victim than she actually is. however, i am of the opinion i did not do anything wrong, and if i did i sincerely apologise. if anyone says my messages were rude, it was unintentional but i know because of the autism that i can come across as blunt.

the first set of messages we exchanged were in response to her tags about off’s hand being over first’s crotch in a photo op. i thought it was a bit weird to make a beeline and focus in on the crotch so sent an ask about it. i’m posting a transcript instead of screenshots as it’s effort to add them in on mobilt but i have no issues posting them if needed. below is the transcript:

minghao-ah: hi there, i was just reading through your blog and some of your tags rubbed me up the wrong way and I was just wondering if you could clarify on them a little bit. On this post (https://piningbisexuals.tumblr.com/post/636938447688499200/piningbisexuals-offguntay-being-extremely-subtle), you focus a lot on First's hand and whether or not he's touching someone's crotch and that seems a bit of a weird thing to focus on. Was it intentional? Hope that it's okay to ask for clarification! 😊😊 piningbisexuals: hi, well I found it funny that in this picture https://www.instagram.com/p/CIZ8wBugW5w/ first's hand seems to be on off's crotch bc of the moment the pic was taken. it's not that deep, the hand placement made me cringe & bc I like to share everything on my tumblr I brought it up. I'm happy to clarify, especially as you seem polite & nice, but I also must admit I'm a little lost as to why that's an issue at all? I'm a little lost lol minghao-ah: it just seemed an odd thing to focus on is all. ive seen a lot of similar photos and my thoughts never stray to oh that person's hand is close to touching this person's crotch. i guess im a little used to fetishisation coming from a kpop fandom background and was just a little worried that you might be forcing sexualisation onto a completely innocent moment, especially with the last tag. as it was all completely innocent, I'm sorry I wasted your time! maybe ive just been on tumblr for too long and worry that everyone is a bit weird. it's easier to just ask rather than mistaking someone for a weird person. thanks for clarifying! 😊 piningbisexuals: no I wouldn't be sexualizing off & first lol, I wouldn't do that to anyone but it's not like I ship them together so yeah I just found the timing of the pic funny. yes you did good asking me, I'd never want anyone to misinterpret my words. no problem!

the second exchange was in relation to an ask she received about itsay and a comment she made that it would not have been as successful if it was not marketed as a bl drama. below is the exchange:

minghao-ah: hi there. me again. just asking for more clarification because im sure i must be misunderstanding something. I'll skate over the intro because you haven't cited sources for your believe that the majority of bl watchers are lgbtq+ and i don't have the time currently to go looking for some so let's just stick a pin it that. in a response to an ask about itsay you say all mlm representation is still representation regardless of the quality. do you not think this is a harmful statement? bad representation is harmful. for example if your only representation of a gay man came from tharntype, you'd think that gay men were going to assault you in your sleep and accost you in the showers. if your only representation of gay men was the 'im not really gay, i just love you' trope then if you were a gay man you might find it wrong that you find more than one man attractive. is that not harmful for a large audience to be ingesting these stereotypes? the bl label isn't what made itsay big. the household name actors and the big production company behind the project is what helped made itsay big. plus if you're saying that labelling it as a gay series meant it wouldn't be as big doesn't that infer that boys love is good but gay isn't? should we infantalise gay men and their relationships for the sake of a label. surely if it was true representation then it would be under the title of a gay series? please correct me if im misunderstanding anything. id hate to think people were reading a message that you didn't intend to put out. piningbisexuals: okay dude, so like I'm happy to answer, but also... I kinda feel like you're purposely trying to misinterpret my words? idk maybe you don't mean it that way but also I'd love to be able to express my opinion without my intention being misinterpreted. when I said mlm representation is still representation I was talking about mediocre mlm representation, aka shows that are not very produced & written but are still bl. I was not talking about shows with sexual assault & other harmful tropes. itsay being about two guys falling in love thus being bl is absolutely part of what made it big, especially with inter fans. as someone who watches both bl & non bl thai dramas it's very clear that what most of the inter fans watch is bl & only bl. you can have a different opinion, but it doesn't mean I'm wrong. we can have different opinions & it's okay minghao-ah: i promise im not trying to misinterpret your words. i take things on face value which is why id prefer to ask for clarification rather than call you out publically or anything. im grateful you take the time to reply and that don't misunderstand the intention behind my messages. im aware we can have differing opinions and most of the time accepting those differences is healthy. it inspires debate and education, which im sure you'll agree is important. thanks again for letting me know your thoughts. in future would you prefer me not to message you? i understand that it might be difficult to have someone interpret your words the wrong way and it might cause offence to be asked to explain your reasoning. piningbisexuals: honestly I appreciate you being nice & polite and I have no ill-will towards you at all, but also I just hope that in the future you can know my character a little more & know that I've said many times that I despise real life shipping, fanservice, shows with sexual assault & harmful stereotypes, so what you might misinterpret as something I'm saying is literally the direct opposite of all my values. so yeah it can be a little upsetting to have your intentions questioned. I can't tell you not to message me about it but I'll just ask you to really read my words & try to understand where I'm coming from before messaging me for explanation. english isn't my first language so yeah sometimes my wording can be a little awkward or what not, but I still think my intent is pretty clear

following this exchange, she blocked me so there was no way to discuss if i was misunderstanding something. throughout the exchanges i tried my best to be polite and open but i felt the response i got was standoffish with the aim to shut down conversation. as i said, i’m not good at detecting tone due to my disability to i asked sophia for help sometimes.

in addition to this she has repeatedly deleted asks that i have sent her about her sexualisation of actors including the use of the title ‘daddy’. (as someone in her replies inferred, no i wouldn’t prefer it if she infantilised actors. there is a huge spectrum between daddy and baby.) in an ask she did answer she said it was because off was 30 thus old, his nickname is papi and it’s a meme and not sexual. if calling him daddy is because he’s old, then surely grandpa would be more appropriate. if his nickname is papi then stick with papi, you don’t need to translate it? finally, it’s not a meme, don’t kid yourself. i hope the following screenshots provide an understanding of what i was talking about when i said ‘sexualisation’

but off isn’t the only actor she’s done it too, so what’s the excuse there? she did it with drake who would’ve been 17 at the time of slam dance but okay he’s a ‘thicc daddy’. is it because of his age or does he also have a nickname i don’t know about? and what about ryan hawley? her tags speak for themselves about whether it’s a meme or sexual.

i kept this private because there was no reason to make it public. if she would have apologised for the misunderstanding or just stated her case it would’ve been done. she was repeatedly dismissive and sometimes downright rude. she has had evidence bought to her in private of things that could be considered transphobic for example tagging a gifset of joss wayar in drag as ‘if this set flops youre transphobes’ and she deleted the tag but didn’t apologise for it.

after speaking to sophia and shannon (@1akorn) all anyone wanted was an apology. all you had to say was ‘i’m sorry, i will listen to lgbt voices and experiences’. instead you chose to actively shut down lgbt voices, disrespect someone’s disability and cause upset when you didn’t need to. i understand i might have done some things wrong, i am willing to learn from this and continue educating myself. i can only apologise for things i’ve done wrong if those things are bought to my attention.

there was never an attempt to push you off the platform. there was an attempt to open a line of discussion which you closed. that’s not my fault and i won’t be made to take the blame for it.

#morgan talks #its midnight and im tired #depression isn't a cheap tactic #if anyone wants to talk about my messages my inbox/dms are open #like i say im autistic so i understand i can come across as blunt without meaning to

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365days365movies · 3 years

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April 11, 2021: Tootsie (1982) (Recap)

To be clear, I like Dustin Hoffman.

I can’t exactly claim that I’ve seen him in a lot of his most iconic roles, but I’m planning on fixing that this year for sure! On my to-watch list this year and beyond is Midnight Cowboy, Kramer vs. Kramer, Stranger Than Fiction, and Marathon Man at the very least.

But that’s not to say I haven’t seen him in other iconic roles of his, of course. Fun fact: I actually tried to do this project in 2019, and it...didn’t work. But, one of the films I watched that year was one of Hoffman’s most iconic dramatic films: Rain Man.

Oh, and by the way, that movie is not about an autistic man. Or, rather, it’s not based on a man diagnosed with one of the autism spectrum disorders. Instead, he actually most likely had a genetic disorder called FG syndrome, unrelated to the spectrum disorders. Ironic, since Hoffman’s character was the pop-cultural depiction of autism that people STILL refer to quite often, and quite inaccurately. But, obviously, that’s not Hoffman’s fault, and he was good in the movie, to be fair.

I grew up with him in Hook, as the pirate captain himself (I still do his laugh sometimes, it’s weird, I know). He had an underappreciated starring role in one of my favorite guilty-pleasure films, Outbreak (I fucking love that movie, and I’m not ashamed to admit that). He was in Finding Neverland, but I just forgot about that until I looked up his filmography to write this intro. And, of course...Master Shifu.

So, yeah, I actually DO like Dustin Hoffman, despite the fact that his role in The Graduate wasn’t stellar for me. Just seemed kinda miscast, and a little too awkward to be even slightly sympathetic. Then again, he wasn’t really meant to be, so maybe Hoffman was the perfect choice. Even then, he still acted well in it.

And anyway, I watched that movie for two major reasons. One, it was on my list of films to see, and TWO: it was a lead-up to the ACTUAL Hoffman film I wanted to watch this month: Tootsie. After all, I just watched rom-com Some Like It Hot, and if you’ve looked at me schedule, you know what film is coming next. So, this one fits in my planned schedule. Why? Well...there’s a theme.

Yup. I actually picked these movies for a reason. See, here’s the thing: this is a repeated trope in comedies, and I’ve always wondered whether or not it’s...problematic. But, much to my surprise with Some Like It Hot, they actually used the situation to comment on the female experience. I mean, not necessarily really well, but they tried at the very least. And for a film from 1959, that ain’t bad!

Which isn’t to say that it’s entirely clean, of course, but it was far better than I’d expected. So, if 1959 did that OK, how did 1982 do? Let’s find out, shall we?

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

Michael Dorsey (Dustin Hoffman) is an acting coach, as well as being an actor himself. However, he’s not the most successful actor, as he keeps attempting to audition for pieces, only to get refused for nebulous reasons, or refuses them when he disagrees with the director. He might want to take his own advice, for the record.

In the meantime, he works in a restaurant with Jeff Slater (Bill Murray), a playwright and roommate. That night, the night of his birthday, he spends time with an actress friend, Sandy Lester (Teri Garr), and also hits on the majority of women there that night.

As the party concludes, and various people go home, Sandy is abandoned by her date, and Michael offers to take her home. She breaks down crying, and Michael guesses that she’s upset about an upcoming audition. He gives her some coaching advice, and manages to get her to produce the correct emotion for the role. Afraid that she’ll lose it without him, he agrees to accompany her to the audition and enrage her. It’s very funny.

That morning, however, she IMMEDIATELY gets kicked out of the audition, as she wasn’t right for the part. However, when he goes to help her by speaking with an actor on the show, he finds out that the actor is off the show, and is instead getting a part that MICHAEL was supposed to get. Now enraged himself, he goes to speak with his agent, George Fields (Sydney Pollack), and the two have a tense conversation. It’s revealed that because of his difficult nature, he has a terrible reputation in acting circles, and literally nobody will hire him.

Challenge accepted.

Now dressed up as a woman named “Dorothy Michaels”, he goes back to the audition that passed on Sandy. Like her, he’s also immediately rejected by the director, Ron Carlisle (Dabney Coleman), who insists that she’s too “gentile” for the part of a hospital administrator. This causes “Dorothy” to go off, in a righteous monologue that accuses Ron for conflating power with masculinity. Which...yeah, he totally is, and DAMN, it’s a good tell-off!

Producer Rita Marshall (Doris Belack) agrees, and invites “Dorothy” to read for the part. He comes in to read, and in the process meets Julie Nichols (Jessica Lange), to whom he’s IMMEDIATELY attracted. He brushes that off, and the audition commences. From there, he gets the part, which is a regular part on a soap opera called Southwest General.

Now fully invested in the dumbest idea anybody’s ever had, “Dorothy” goes to her agent and tells him the ridiculous news, and asks for $1000 to go shopping for more clothing. Back at their apartment, Michael speaks to Jeff about the whole situation. He notes that he’s doing this to get the money for his play in Syracuse, which requires $8000 to produce.

Sandy is to be cast in this play, which is an issue, as they now need to explain where the money came from, as it’s technically from the part that SHE was refused for, which would hurt her feelings. He lies and says that the money’s from a deceased relative. While in her place, and while she’s in the shower, he decides to try on some of her clothes to get ideas for Dorothy. But when she walks in on him, he lies AGAIN and says that he’s sexually attracted to her. And she reciprocates IMMEDIATELY, which leads to an unintended relationship.

On the set, “Dorothy” finds out that he’ll be kissing John Van Horn (George Gaynes), an older actor who’s clearly a bit past his prime, and makes it a point to kiss every actress on the set when they start on the show. Gross. Michael agrees, and when the scene comes, he improvises and has his character (Emily) hit the doctor instead.

While the director (who’s a DICK, by the way) notes the improvisation, he approves of it, while also discouraging any similar actions in the future, and calling her “toots”. “Dorothy” takes it, rather than talks back. John compliments her on the improvisation, and then kisses “Dorothy” anyway, much to Michael’s shock!

We also find out that Julie, who plays a nurse on the show, is dating director Ron. Later on, though, Michael observes him making out with another actress on stage. Shortly after this, Julie invites “Dorothy” to dinner at her place, which is eagerly accepted. At dinner, we find out that Julie has a young daughter and that her relationship with Ron is...not stellar.

They have a discussion about being a woman in the ‘80s, and the complexities inherent in that concept, which is an interesting theme of this movie! Gotta say, this is a more socially-conscious version of Some Like It Hot, and I really like that! But the conversation is cut short when Michael realizes that he’d promised dinner with Sandy that night, and leaves in a hurry.

Dinner with Sandy is awkward, as Sandy is...Sandy is a lot, to be honest. But, she tells Michael that the woman hired in her stead on the soap opera (who is, of course, Michael himself), is written as a wimp, rather than tough as intended, and that she should change that. Michael agrees, and actively goes against the script to make the character of Emily far tougher. and essentially a feminist.

While this causes some grief to Ron and Rita at first, Dorothy Michaels soon becomes a massively successful and popular actress on the show, and her popularity absolutely explodes. Michael’s wrapped up in the success of Dorothy Michaels, and thinks that she might be able to branch outside of the role of the soap opera. Which is difficult, as his agent points out, because of the simple fact that Michael is...well, Michael.

At a party that his agent invites him to, Michael meets Julie AS MICHAEL. He uses a line on her that she’d mentioned before to Dorothy, only to be met with a drink to the face. Which is fair, as the line was about being honest about wanting to have sex with her, so I get it.

On the set soon afterwards, we see that the show is becoming more progressive, allowing Julie’s nurse character to stand up to John’s chief doctor character. After the scene is done, the director once again calls Dorothy “toots” instead of her real name, and Dorothy absolutely snaps back at him, and rightfully so! In response, Julie goes and invites Dorothy to a weekend in the country, on her father’s farm. Despite some rebuke from Jeff for lying to Sandy AND Julie, Michael as “Dorothy” goes on the trip.

This, by the way, is an excellent time to mention that this film is exuding some real strong, uh, vibes. You know...alphabet mafia vibes. Like, it’s definitely there, heavily leaning towards Julie. Obviously, “Dorothy” is actually the heterosexual Michael, but that’s not helping, just saying. And there’s literally (and absolutely obviously) nothing wrong with that, but it’s so strong at this point that it’s hard to ignore.

On the farm, “Dorothy” meets Les Nichols (Charles Durning), Julie’s lonely and genuinely nice father, if a bit old-fashioned in his views on gender politics. He’s also got the hots for “Dorothy”, which is funny-but-awkward as shit. That night, Julie tells “Dorothy” some very personal things about her dreams as a child, which is a genuinely very sweet scene. And can I just say, that this movie is both funny and quite heartfelt? I love it! Also, again, the vibes...THE VIBES.

Meanwhile, the popularity of “Dorothy” continues to skyrocket, to the frustration of director Ron, but to the delight of producer Rita, who decides to extend her contract with the soap opera by a full year! Oh FUCK! Realizing what the hell he’s gotten himself into, Michael calls his agent, who tells him that it was in his contract, meaning he’s basically fucked.

Jeff also tries to help hi, out of it, to no avail. Just then, though, they get a call from Julie, looking for “Dorothy”. She’s been having her doubts about her relationship with Ron, and she realizes that she’s been settling for Ron and other men like him. And Dorothy’s inspired her to be a better person, and to be honest with others and with herself. Fuckin’ OOF.

Just then, Ron arrives, allowing them some alone time, as Julie is getting ready for their night out. In the process, “Dorothy” reveals that she knows about his indiscretions with other women. Ron proceeds to use the EXACT SAME EXCUSE that Michael used to excuse his lies to Sandy, and it’s well-executed! Good job, writers, that’s pretty awesome.

“Dorothy” promises to watch Julie’s daughter for the night, which proves a bit of an issue, but he works it out. Julie returns later on, having broken up with Ron. Another heart-to-heart ensues, but this one is concluded with a revelation that Julie is lonely, despite the fact that she appreciates Dorothy’s influence and friendship. And then, "Dorothy” tries to kiss Julie. OH

Yeah, Julie’s not exactly chuffed about this as, despite a LOT of “Sappho and her friends” vibes, she doesn’t actually swing that way. “Dorothy” tries to explain, but this is interrupted by a call from Julie’s dad! He asks her out on a date that night, and “Dorothy” accepts. On said date, he FUCKIN’ PROPOSES TO HER! She promises to think about it, and takes the fuck OFF.

And to continue the parade of “Fuck me, I guess” that marching down Michael Street, who should show up at the apartment but John, from the show! Having followed her home the previous night (YIKES BUDDY), he literally serenades her outside of the apartment window, before “Dorothy” lets him in. It’s there that he reveals he’s MADLY in lust with her, and it’s HILARIOUSLY awkward. Thankfully, just as John is forcing himself on her, Jeff walks in on them, interrupting John’s actions, and causing him to leave in shame.

AND FUCKING THEN, after all of that, Sandy arrives at the apartment to find out why Michael’s not returned her phone calls. And Sandy’s a lot, sure, but all of her concerns are completely valid and legitimate. And despite Michael’s impressive ability to lie, he tells her the truth: he’s in love with another woman. Which she absolutely freaks the fuck out about, but whatever, not like Michael doesn’t deserve that.

Having had it with all the drama around Dorothy’s life, he goes to his agent and hilariously recounts to him the whole series of events that’s taken place. Still struggling to find a way to get out of the situation, he goes to work the next day, for an awkward conversation with Julie. She thanks Dorothy for inspiring her to be true to herself, which cuts DEEP, but still says that they shouldn’t spend time together anymore.

Producer Rita arrives with news: the erasure of a reel of footage has forced them to shoot a scene live. Said scene involves a party being thrown for Dorothy’s characters, putting her in the starring role. And THAT is when Michael takes his chance. Dorothy improvises a monologue about Emily’s REAL past, as a twin who tragically died before realizing her dream to become a hospital administrator. Ripping off his disguise, Michael reveals himself as Emily’s twin brother, Edward!

Everyone on stage and at home is SHOCKED, especially Les, John, Sandy, and of course, Julie. And once the cameras stop rolling, Julie now understands everything. She walks right up to Michael...AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE DICK

John asks if Jeff knows, and I break in half laughing.

Months pass. Michael was able to fund Jeff’s play in Syracuse, and goes to meet Les, who lives in the area. The two make amends after an understandably awkward reunion, and they begin the journey to become friends after everything. This prompts Michael to return to the city and speak with Julie, who is...less than happy to see him. Which, yeah, entirely fair.

But, again overcoming the initial awkwardness, Julie is able to admit that she misses her friend Dorothy. And Michael reciprocates, speaking for Dorothy, who is...well, him. He says the following great line:

I was a better man with you as a woman than I ever was with a woman as a man.

And from there...the two decide to rekindle a friendship, with Julie asking to borrow one of Michael’s dresses. And y’know...I’m rooting for those crazy kids.

That’s Tootsie! And, uh...I love it! I LOVE it. I actually think this is a great film, and one of the best I’ve seen this month. But I’ll elaborate...in the Review! See you there!

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vendeavendea · 4 years

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How Entrapta Has Become My All Time Favourite Autistic Representation in Media: Long Version

Just so you know what to expect, this is more of a very long and boring personal post and less of a character analysis. By "very long", I mean "very long". Also, half of it was written at night when I was supposed to be sleeping (like, right now), so some parts might not even make sense. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Just days before I started to watch She-Ra, I answered a question in a writer group where someone asked what are the do's and don'ts of writing an autistic character. I've been told a couple of times in my life that I can’t be autistic based on the fact that I'm not really interested in or good at science, so I think special interests of autistic people are something that definitely has to be presented better in media. So I advised this person to make their character have a special interest that's NOT related to science, technology, space or computers, because it's a very common misconception that people on the autism spectrum are always into these stuff, and there are so many autistic fictional characters based on this stereotype that I feel like we absolutely don't need any more.

And then I saw Entrapta.

I didn't know she's canonically autistic until a much later episode, but it didn't surprise me when I was told she is, because my autism radar went off like a hundred times while watching System Failure and all her other season 1 appearances (so did my ADHD radar, by the way, but as far as I know, this hasn't been confirmed by the creators, so it's just my headcanon). And she looked like the purple ponytails princess version of the autism stereotype that I didn’t want to see any more of. The genius who is into space and robots, knows nothing about human relationships and keeps driving everyone nuts with her long and impossible-to-follow scientific monologues. Also cute and funny, yeah, but still, as someone on the spectrum who is super artistic and has nothing to do with science stuff, my first reaction was "dang, not this shit again." Just for once in my life, I wanted to see an autistic representation that's not just that typical weird tech-lover but a character that's at least a tiny bit more like me. Seeing her only in her first episode, little did I know that Entrapta's character has an incredible depth and her whole arc was going to be hair-raisingly personal to me (I know I'm not funny, but pun intended).

First, let’s talk about robots, because we can't talk about Entrapta without talking about robots. Entrapta builds robots just for fun, because technology is her thing, but there's actually a lot more behind this. Starting from as early as her debute episode, we see through the whole series that she creates robots with different designs, abilities, personalities, very similar to real people, as a sort of substitute for the human (or whatever species) company she'd wish to have. She even gives them names. She programs them to like being around her, to understand her, something that she hasn't really experienced from real people, which is sad enough on its own, but even sadder if we consider that she actually has human staff working at her fortress. She pretty literally makes friends, and she does it with the help of her special interest. And this totally reminds me of my primary school years when I had zero real friends and used my special interest, which was writing fictional stories and creating worlds/universes/languages in my head, to make up imaginary characters that could be my "friends" so that I wouldn't be that lonely.

Then, her interactions with other characters, especially with Hordak. Entrapta consoling Hordak in Huntara is a very powerful scene to me, not only what she says, but also how she says it. When Hordak starts venting about how he is a failure and all, Entrapta's first immediate response is to provide a practical solution, to design an armor for him, and comforting him with words is only a secondary action. She's helping in her own way, with technology, because that's what she's the best at, but she also wants to make sure he understands that fixing imperfections isn't always the solution, embracing them is. I also love how it's hinted with the "loved" crystal that Entrapta's love language may be acts of service (and probably quality time as well), which is another thing we have in common. And there's another thing in that scene I found very relatable: that part when she stops consoling him and starts to talk about herself being a failure instead. In real life, most people would read that in a negative way. I've been in many situations where I've tried doing something similar to people who were venting to me, and normally, they're like "ew, I'm the one complaining now, stop making it about you." But Hordak's reaction is different, all he does is try to tell her she's not a failure before she shushes him, then he just listens. He understands what Entrapta means by saying all those things about herself isn't "hey, look, my life is also horrible, so I get to complain, too" but rather "I feel you, we're the same". For a person who thinks and acts as differently from average people as Entrapta does, connecting with someone through similar experiences and feelings is a huge thing, and this is so relatable to me that I cried like a baby while watching that scene. Also, kudos to Christine Woods for making Entrapta's monologue sound so factual and casual. It really gives the impression of someone who is fully aware of her own strengths and weaknesses and accepts herself as a whole with all her flaws. The way she lists all the things that make her feel like a failure right after saying "imperfection is beautiful" is just... wow. But seriously, this whole "imperfection is beautiful" thing in general is such a cliché that it's not even supposed to work on me, but hell it does, because it's so well-presented that it's actually one of the most powerful moments of the whole series. Entrapta giving me self-acceptance lessons is all I've ever needed in my life (Hordak probably agrees, lol).

Speaking of self-acceptance, I also love how Beast Island shows that it's a long and difficult process with its ups and downs instead of just a door you walk through once in your life and then stay on the other side forever. Even if I accept and love myself the way I am, it's still totally normal to have low points with thoughts like "I'm not suited for friendship" or "everyone leaves me behind". And it's very nice and uplifting to have someone's love and support when I'm in a bad mood with stuff like this on my mind, but personally, I often find it easier to deal with if I have something related to any of my special interests around that I can focus my thoughts on. My "we flew here on an ancient First Ones ship, do you wanna see it?" would be something like "do you wanna create some characters and then write the shit out of them?" and before this show I've never actually realised how neurodiverse it is to use a hobby or interest for self-care like this. The "definitely the ship" part called me out so hard, and I just adore how the writers were able put so much meaning into a single joke line.

Back to interactions, there's also something painfully relatable in the way the other princesses treat Entrapta. Even in the beginning in No Princess Left Behind, but mostly in season 4 and 5. In most cases, Entrapta is only considered to be worthy enough to not be left behind in situations when her skills are useful. Other characters "liking" her isn't really about herself as a person but her tech knowledge. Just like when you go to school and the only reason your classmates want to make friends with you is because you always do your homework and let others copy it, or you're good at explaining stuff and are willing to help people getting prepared for tests/exams. When I was in grammar school, my classmates ignored me or mocked me for liking animation and comics, but every now and then they did the bare minimum of treating me like a human being and expected me to do their arts homework in return, because I was the only one in my class who was good at arts. When I studied linguistics at the uni, I was really into phonology and historical linguistics, and those were the compulsory subjects most of the other students were struggling with, so many people wanted to hang out with me just to make sure they could get my notes before the exams. The same people kept calling me nerd and making fun of me behind my back. I also had a few genuine friends, which I'm grateful for, but I still know what it feels like to be needed only for a specific skill while not being noticed and respected as a person, and Launch portraits this experience in a very clever way. It's so amazing to see how the princesses realise who Entrapta really is and start to treat her as someone who just thinks differently instead of someone who's a deliberate bad person. They finally get to see that she's not just an unwary tech nerd, but also a determined, caring and loyal friend who gives others so much love in her own geeky way and deserves love, too. But I shouldn't even be surprised, I mean, we're talking about a show that teaches us "you worth more than what you can give to other people," and it's great how this message applies to other characters as well, not only to Adora. And the best part is that this whole conflict is not presented as something black and white, it's not like Entrapta is the poor misunderstood autistic person and the princesses are the evil allistic bad guys who mistreat her. It's simply a miscommunication between neurotypical and neurodivergent individuals, and while the other princesses get to understand that they hurt Entrapta by their actions and that they should be more respectful of her, Entrapta also realises that she's made mistakes and hurt people, becomes aware of her own bad habits and makes efforts to get rid of them in order to save Glimmer. Plus I also love the faint implication that most of the princesses never really, genuinely, 100% make friends with Entrapta even after this scene, because sometimes people just don't resonate with each other enough to become close friends, but they learn to accept her differences and treat her with respect, nonetheless. This episode is so full of realistic interactions and character development it blows my mind every time I rewatch it.

I could just go on and on about all those tiny relatable details such as "I've waited years for someone to ask me about my theories!" I think this was the line that first made me fall in love with Entrapta's character. I mean, if someone from the crew wrote this line, that means they might know the feeling, too, so I'm not the only dork who feels this way every time someone asks me a question about my hyperfixations. And it's just so reassuring. Entrapta has many lines of the kind, they're not even important plotwise, but still super relatable and validating.

Now that we're here, and I know that I probably should have said this at the beginning of the post, but I'm too lazy to rewrite the first paragraph accordingly, I'd like to note that these are all my own interpretations and reflections on Entrapta's character based on my own experiences. This whole thing is totally personal, and I don't want anyone to think that this is how Entrapta is supposed to be seen by the whole fandom. So yeah, that's pretty much it for now.

#She-Ra #She-Ra Reboot #SPOP #entrapta #autism #personal

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ziracona · 4 years

Text

Thinkin about how the NOES 2010 movie is so good. Listen…listen. It has really unusual structure. Most of the time, a horror film follows either a single unit (one person, one family) through a whole plot (The Witch, The Babadook, Saw, Halloween) or a group of victims with one pretty obvious final girl in the mix (Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I Know What You Did Last Summer), but NOES 2010 doesn’t do that. It takes you through several protagonists, one at a time, moving on from one teen to another when your initial protagonist is killed, starting with Dean, moving on to Kris, then Jesse, and then Nancy and Quentin when they’re the last two standing. It’s a fresh take, which makes everything so much less sure, and gives narrative weight to the characters who die instead of just making them bodycount. Everybody gets treated like the final girl, not canon fodder, which is extremely important to the story the film is telling. Nancy and Quentin don’t even become the film’s focus until almost halfway through the story.

Probably someone who is unfamiliar with the original film would assume Kris is the protagonist until she is killed thirty minutes in a little ala Psycho. It makes everything seem less certain, and makes the characters who you lose as important as the ones who make it, which is a really responsible way to tell something. A lot of the time, the characters in horror are kind of assholes (which is great and another rant for another day, because since the stakes are so low [literally you just have to care enough to not want the character to be brutally murdered], you can get an audience invested in an willing to explore the complexity of even a shitty person—but like I said, that’s a wholeass other rant), but in NOES2010, they’re not, which I think is important. Never does the film want you to feel like the characters either suck and deserve something happening to them, or are stupid (look, when the publicist in Scream 4 got out of her car in an unlit parking garage in the middle of a Ghostface chase, I saw the wholeass theater stop cheering for her to live because she was so stupid we just couldn’t root for her anymore—it happens) and to care less about their outcome that way. Everyone fights hard and tries hard and it’s just not enough.

Obviously it’s a slasher, but NOES 2010 is really like a thesis work film on CSA and how it affects people, and the commentary is both responsible, and really, really well done. As someone who has had to write a character who has committed that kind of crime, and walk the fucking razor’s edge between making them duly awful, and not crossing the line into anything exploitative or gratuitous, I can say with certainty that is not an easy thing to do. Because you want to give weight to the suffering that has been inflicted and realistic portray of the depravity of your villain, but again, you really don’t want to show anything more than you have to. That’s not what it’s about, and honestly, you can talk about that kind of a serious issue without actually showing things on screen. A film about CSA would be kind of defeating its own purpose if anyone who had ever experienced that shit went to watch the movie and went away more traumatized. The film does a really responsible job of walking that line. Freddy is awful, and there’s a constant threat with him—especially in the film’s climax—but he never actually assaults anyone onscreen (or off, except in the referenced past. The worst thing he does onscreen is lick someone, which is still incredibly disgusting), and the film still manages to keep how awful he is very, very real.

CSA is a really shitty thing to go through, obvious, it feels incredibly of dumb to type that—any assault is. Obviously. One of the big things in dealing with it after is a lot of the time, victims can feel broken, or damaged, and even worse, be talked about like they’re some kind of ‘damaged goods’ by incredibly shitty people in their life, but the film doesn’t even give that enough weight to bring it up. There have always been two big ways in film to combat ideas, one of which is direct confrontation (IE a film specifically about something being wrong—Do The Right Thing talking very openly about racism for instance) and by just straight up not doing the thing (Star Trek dropping a woman of color in as both a major cast member, romantic interest for people of other races, and someone working in a position of power, and just being like Yup. This is just normal). Both of which are very necessary and useful approaches. In NOES 2010, all four of the protagonists are in romantic relationships at some point (and so is Dean, the mini-lead protag). It’s not played out voyeuristically, and you don’t get any hot makeout seshes, but they’re definitely in comfortable, functional, physical relationships. In a silent but fucking hardcore stance, while Kris and Jesse spend the night together early in the film, there is not a single on-screen kiss until Quentin and Nancy have found out the truth about what happened to them as kids, and a few minutes later, right before their final confrontation, they kiss. Not even a second thought about anything, except how much they really need and want to kill this piece of shit coming after them, as it should be. It’s a rockhard solidification that not only do the characters not see each other differently because of what happened, but it has done nothing to change who they are or what they can be.

The movie is only an hour and a half, which isn’t that long, but still manages to pack in not only multiple different realistic reactions, (Quentin goes through some hardcore withdrawl/denial after finding stuff out initially, Nancy gets fucking mad), but to cover some of what this is like for their parents. In one conversation with Alan, Quentin’s dad, he tries to explain the mob enacted justice on Krueger years ago by telling him that he hopes someday when he’s a parent, he never has to experience how it feels having utterly failed to protect your child. Even though they only have like thirty seconds of flashback to work with, the script gets in one of the parents in dismay asking what other choice they have about hunting Krueger down, because the alternative is making their three-four year olds get on a stand and tell a room full of strangers what happened to them. It’s a horrible, awful situation to be in. Although it would be really easy to make some drama between characters and their families, even the characters who die have good relationships with their families, and neither the dead teens or their parents are ever narratively ‘punished’ for anything that happens. Kris’ last words to her mom before she leaves on a flight, about eight hours before Kris is murdered, are, realistically, “Love you.” The last thing Nancy says to her own mother is, “I know you were just trying to protect us. Thank you,” and her mother’s last words to her are, “I’m just glad you’re safe.” Characters still die, but they at least get the peace of deserved last words to each other. The film also not only definitely does not vilify the parents for burning Freddy to death for assaulting their preschool aged kids, but comes down in its finale openly supporting that vigilante justice decision, with Nancy’s last words in the film being thanking her mother for protecting them.

Even the whole nightmare theme fits in well with the story being told, because nightmares are a very common side-effect of past trauma, symbolically, there’s a lot people have to fight through in their lives when that kind of shit happens to them, even years later, and it genuinely isn’t given enough weight by most people. As kind of icing on the cake in the film, not only does Nancy get to kill Freddy, he dies in a very ugly, undignified way, with a slit throat and gross expression on his face, after getting his ass handed to him in a like a thirty second fight in reality with two very motivated teenagers.

Plus, Quentin Smith is canonically ADHD, and Nancy Holbrook is a really underrated protagonist who reads autistic and I love her.

Anyway. This movie does a great job about using horror as a medium to talk about a topic usually only people already interested in that specific topic would check out, plays out its narrative very responsibly, comes down hard with a big two thumbs up to murdering your local pedophile in a bonfire, and says fuck you to assault victim stigma. My only real beef with this film is that they were so dead set sure they would have a sequel that instead of ending with real resolution, it’s got a stinger at the end (on rewatches I always skip the last scene lol).

Not that it’s a flawless film—it’s got budget parents, which I think is both hilarious and fantastic (meaning everyone except I think Dean has only one parent, the same gender as them, and it’s hilarious and I adore it). They had rushed filming for some of the end. Etc. But it’s really solid, and doesn’t get enough credit as a film. It’s very different from the original—less campy, less funny. But it’s supposed to be. It’s telling a different story. And it’s telling a really good one.

#a nightmare on elm street 2010 #anoes 2010 #a nightmare on elm street #noes #I finally wrote that rant #CSA/pedophilia mention #someday I will write a proper-er rant but damn I love this film #quentin smith #nancy holbrook #nightmare on elm street #long post

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the-delta-42 · 4 years

Text

Rebuilding Bridges

Follow up of Burnt Homes and Burnt Bridges

Marinette nervously scratched her leg as the Therapist looked at her.

“Marinette,” Sighed the Therapist, “I am grateful you’re understanding you need help; I’m just confused at the reason you gave.”

“W-well, my obsession with Adrien was causing problems.” Said Marinette, still looking at her lap.

“Marinette, what you just described was Hyper-fixation, an Autistic trait.” Said Simon, leaning forwards, “Are you sure you’re not here about anything else?”

“What else is there?” Asked Marinette, still not looking up.

“The loss of your home and parents, perhaps,” Theorised Simon, “the fact that you saw what remained of your parents-”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Snapped Marinette, cutting Simon off.

“Ah,” Said Simon, leaning back in his chair, “we seem to have hit the root of the issue.”

“There is no issue.” Snapped Marinette, getting up out of her seat and pacing around the room, “Do you honestly think I haven’t seen dead bodies before? The number of times Akumas have killed people and I’ve had to undo it?”

“I don’t doubt you,” Said Simon, “but, Marinette, I’m here to help and I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”

Marinette took a shuddery breath.

“T-they said they’d never go.” Said Marinette, her voice quiet.

“So, you’ve had family members die in front of you before?” Asked Simon, looking at her.

“My brother, he was crushed by a car when I was six.” Said Marinette, her voice still quiet.

Simon nodded, before his watch made a beeping sound.

“I suppose we’ll have to end today’s session here.” Said Simon, as he silenced the watch.

Marinette shakily nodded, as Simon stood up.

“I’ll see you next week.” Said Simon, as he guided Marinette out of the room.

Gina looked up from the book she was reading as Marinette came out. Tikki zipped out of the Gina’s bag and settled herself into Marinette’s pocket. The girl absently stroking the Kwami’s head. Gina placed an arm around Marinette, before leaving out of a side door, so Marinette didn’t have to deal with the paparazzi.

As far at Gina knew, things were still rocky between Marinette and Adrien, both to nervous and awkward to talk about the elephant in the room. Whenever Marinette saw Adrien, she’d do her best to distance herself away from him, mostly going to the other side of a room and hiding amongst the chairs.

So, Gina had taken the initiative and asked for Adrien, Nino and Alya to go to her flat and wait in Marinette’s room. Frankly, the tension between the two was driving everyone insane.

Adrien’s leg bounced nervously as he sat on the wheelie chair in Marinette’s new room. Nino and Alya had taken residence on the bed. All of them had been asked by Gina to talk with Marinette, namely because she seemed to be isolating herself.

Adrien didn’t blame her, after everything he caused, he felt he didn’t deserve the ring. Every time he tried to return it to the box, Marinette would take it out and leave it on his desk at school. The last one contained a note that is he tried to return the ring again, she’d superglue it to his hand.

Adrien jerked suddenly, when Nino threw a pencil at him.

“Stop biting you nails.” Groused Nino, making Adrien withdraw his hand from his mouth.

“Sorry.” Said Adrien, spinning the ring around his finger.

The three heard the front door close and footsteps approach the door to Marinette’s room.

“Nonna told me you were here.” Said Marinette, as she opened the door, looking over the three.

“Marinette, this is an intervention.” Said Alya, sitting up and crossing her legs.

Marinette gave Alya a blank look.

“What for?” Came the intelligent response.

Alya sighed through her nose.

“Girl, you’ve been distancing yourself from us.” Said Alya, getting to her feet, “We’re worried.”

Marinette gave Alya a forced smile, “I’m fine, really.”

Alya gave Marinette and doubtful look, while Nino subtly moved himself closer to the door.

“I feared as much.” Bemoaned Alya, just as Nino reached the door, “Babe, now!”

Nino and Alya rushed out the door and held it shut when Marinette tried to pull it open.

“This. Isn’t. Funny.” Grunted Marinette as she tried to pull the door open.

The door opened a fraction and Tikki and Plagg zoomed out and the door slammed shut again. Marinette let out a scream, before punching the door, recoiling from the pain.

“Guy, let us out.” Called Adrien, before there was a locking sound from the door.

Marinette scowled, before marching over to her bed and reaching under it. Marinette felt around, before shoving her head under the frame and letting out another scream.

“Is everything alright?” Asked Adrien, nervously.

“No! They moved the Box!” Snapped Marinette, “So we’re stuck in here until they unlock the door.”

Marinette folded her arms and slumped against the bed frame. Adrien stood awkwardly by the door, as Marinette ran a hand over her face, rubbing against her eyes.

“So,” Said Adrien, awkwardly, “do you want to talk?”

“About what? My parent’s deaths? My fucked up mental state? The fact that everything I do is never going to be good enough?!”

“You couldn’t save everyone.” Said Adrien, quietly, “There wasn’t anything you could’ve done.”

Marinette glared up at him, tears in her eyes, “Really? Because they were already dead when I got there? That I couldn’t save dead bodies? Do you actually believe that?”

“Well, they were already dead when you got there.” Said Adrien, making Marinette jump to her feet.

“THEY WEREN’T!” Screamed Marinette, before she took a shuddery gasp, “They were still alive when I got there, and I froze. They were asking me to help them and I froze and did nothing.”

Adrien was quiet, “But they were found in different rooms.”

Marinette bit her lip and nodded, “T-they were across from each other.”

Adrien was quiet, as Marinette legs collapsed beneath her. Adrien lunged forwards and caught her before she finished falling.

“Why? Why wasn’t I good enough?” Whispered Marinette, brokenly.

“Were they asking you to help them?” Asked Adrien, successfully getting Marinette’s attention, “Or were they telling you to save yourself?”

Marinette stiffened, “I don’t know.” She whispered.

Marinette broke down again, Adrien embracing her, her face pressed against his chest as her shoulders shook. The two remained like that for little under half an hour, until Marinette lurched away from Adrien and stared at him.

“W-what?” Asked Adrien, just as Marinette picked up a pillow and started hitting him with it.

“You. Voice. Yourself. In. A. Movie.” Grunted Marinette, most of the pillow blows missing.

“T-that’s why you’re hitting me?” Exclaimed Adrien, before Marinette toppled over.

“Yes. Now. Hold. Still.” Grunted Marinette, as the pillow fell out of her grip, “How do you do it?”

“Do what?” Asked Adrien, looking down at the girl.

“Deal with the pain.” Said Marinette, “I mean, your mother’s dead and you’re perfectly happy.”

Adrien remained quiet, before sighing and sitting down next to Marinette.

“I’m not.” Said Adrien, leaning against the bed, “When my mother died, it was like my father died as well, Nathalie wasn’t the most caring and Gorilla doesn’t talk very much.”

“Is that why you…?” Marinette trailed off.

“No, the reason I reacted the way I did was because the last person who had my face covering their walls turned out to be a psychopathic child murderer.” Said Adrien, making Marinette stare at him, “Really.”

“And you thought I was planning the same thing?” Asked Marinette, looking him in the eye.

“Well, Nathalie did say that the appropriate reaction was the one I gave.” Admitted Adrien, “Although, I think they were just looking for a reason pull me out of school.”

Marinette continued to stare at him.

“Hyper-fixation.” Said Marinette, suddenly.

“What?”

“Hyper-fixation, that’s what the therapist said anyway,” Said Marinette, “apparently it’s something Autistic people have, they find something they really like and before a bit obsessed with it.”

“So, you’re saying…” Said Adrien.

“Yep, I’m what Chloe would call a spastic.” Said Marinette, making Adrien stiffen.

“S-she said that?” Asked Adrien, stiffening slightly.

“Yeah, why?” Said Marinette, before her eyes widened, “Wait, are you?”

Adrien nodded, “I developed slower than some others did.”

“Huh.” Said Marinette, before slumping against the bed, “Well now what?”

Adrien suddenly grinned.

Adrien stood at the end of Marinette’s bed, while Marinette stood by the bedroom door. He drew his leg back and started kicking the bed, so that it slammed against the wall, as soon as he did that, Marinette started making moaning noises.

There was a thunder of footsteps and Adrien quickly ran to Marinette’s side, ready to run out the door as soon as it opened. The door flew open and both Marinette and Adrien shot out, as they passed Tikki and Plagg, they called out their transformations and ran across the roof tops. Eventually they got to the Eiffel Tower, where they rested for a bit.

“Do you think I should give the others their Miraculouses?” Asked Ladybug, making Chat look at her.

“Why?” Asked Chat, his head tilting to the side.

“Well,” Said Ladybug, “I know we discussed it before, but should I risk the rest of the team? You’re the only one who’s identity is safe, and Hawkmoth seems to be putting any confrontation with me off for some reason.”

Chat laughed, “My Lady, you were literally tearing his mind apart, maybe he’s decided to quit.”

Ladybug graced him with a small smile.

“I forgot to mention,” Said Ladybug, getting Chat’s attention, “it wasn’t just the peacock I got away with.”

“What do you mean?” Asked Chat, frowning slightly.

“I managed to get the translated book back.” Said Ladybug, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

“Wait, really?” Gasped Chat, scrambling to his feet.

“Well, Fortune did, but I still have it!” Said Ladybug, her bouncing only increasing.

“T-th-that means…” Stammered Chat, as the puzzle pieces came together.

“We now have the advantage over Hawkmoth.” Gushed Ladybug, before a camera flash drew her attention, “Oh, great.”

“Alya?” Asked Chat, looking over the edge.

“No, Paparazzi.” Groused Ladybug, before she leapt off the tower.

Chat scrambled to his feet and took off after her, the two jumped across the rooftops, until they landed in Adrien’s back garden.

“I think we lost them.” Gasped Chat, transforming back to Adrien, as Ladybug transformed back to Marinette.

“I hope so,” heaved Marinette, “I can only take so much before I have to tear into them.”

“Well, you should be able to lie low here for a while.” Said Adrien, as he led Marinette inside.

“Yeah, maybe I can finally see that Shrine Nathaniel was talking about.” Snarked Marinette, making Adrien go red.

“It’s not a shrine.” Muttered Adrien, as Marinette followed him up to his room.

Marinette quickly made her way to Adrien’s wardrobe and looked inside.

“You’re right.” Said Marinette, after a moment, “It’s not a shrine, it’s a fire hazard.”

“No, it isn’t!” Protested Adrien, his face red.

“Yeah, it is,” Said Marinette, starting to laugh, “you have lit candles underneath your clothes.”

“They’re not real candles.” Whined Adrien, practically melting in embarrassment.

“Then why are there burn marks?” Asked Marinette, making Adrien go silent.

Marinette smiled smugly at the blond, before a rock came through Adrien’s window. Both teens froze, before Adrien approached the window, which then had a brick come through it. In a split second, Marinette had transformed, gotten between Adrien and the brick and threw the brick back the way it came.

Ladybug jumped out the window and landed opposite the thrower.

“You do know what you’re doing is vandalism, right?” Demanded Ladybug, pinning a glare on the boy.

The boy was the same age as her and Adrien, who was currently looking over her like a piece of meat. He didn’t respond to her, even when she snapped her fingers in his face and yelled “HEY!”

By that point, a small crowd was forming.

“You know, a response is kind of needed when someone is asking you why you were throwing rocks through someone’s window.” Said Ladybug, a couple people getting their phones out.

The boy suddenly responded, by placing his hand on Ladybug’s chest. Ladybug jerked back and slapped him. The boy didn’t even flinch, he only grinned wider.

A butterfly symbol appeared around his eyes.

“Ah, shit.” Swore Ladybug, just before the Akuma went to grab her again.

Nino and Alya were wallowing in their misery.

“I can’t believe we fell for that.” Groaned Alya, while Nino had his head on the table.

Nino grunted, his hands still hurting from when he tried to open the Miracle Box. At some point, Marinette must have made a case that would snap down on people’s hands if they tried to open the box incorrectly.

Alya’s phone buzzed, making her look down at it, finding Ladybug and Chat Noir fighting an Akuma outside Adrien’s home.

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.” Groaned Alya, before she got to her feet and ran out the door, Nino following behind her.

Gina walked through the door carrying a tray with a teapot and some cups on it.

“Where’d they go?”

“You know, I thought you were the only Akuma not to get a costume.” Remarked Chat, as the Akuma swung a lamp post around.

“That’s because Hawkmoth wasn’t in control,” Said Ladybug, “he made the mistake of trying to take advantage of my emotional state and found he bit off more than he could chew.”

“Still,” Said Chat, “I actually thought he’d give his Akuma’s an actual costume and not have them throw rocks through a window.”

Ladybug’s yoyo wrapped itself around the Akuma, pinning his arms and legs to his side. Chat stared at the Akuma, before turning to Ladybug.

“Why didn’t you do that sooner?” Asked Chat, as the Akuma struggled.

“Didn’t think of it.” Said Ladybug, as the two walked towards the Akuma.

“Why? Why?” Demanded the Akuma, “Why must everyone interfere with destiny?!”

“Trying to force yourself on someone isn’t destiny.” Said Chat, his arms folding.

“Her parents said the same thing.” Snarled the Akuma, making Ladybug freeze, “I should’ve hit them harder, then they wouldn’t have woken up in my fire!”

Ladybug stared down at the Akuma, as what the Akuma said sunk in.

“You.” Mumbled Ladybug, before her face morphed into an expression of rage, “You KILLED THEM!”

“They got between us, they had to be removed.” Said the Akuma, “Destiny decided we were meant to be together when it allowed me to see you detransform in that alley.”

Ladybug flicked her wrist, a dagger the length of her forearm appeared in her hand, before Ladybug could get any closer to the Akuma a green shield blocked her path.

Carapace held onto his shield; silently praying Ladybug’s ire wouldn’t be turned on him.

“Let me through.” Demanded Ladybug, her grip on the dagger tight enough to break a bone.

“I can’t do that.” Said Carapace, his arm shaking.

“He killed them.” Said Ladybug, her tone heavy with grief, “He killed them because they didn’t play to his sick delusions. Give me one good reason why he should live?”

“Your parents wouldn’t want it.” Said Carapace, making Ladybug’s arms fall limply at her side.

Ladybug quietly vanished the dagger, while Chat looked for the akumatized object. Eventually, he pried the Akuma’s mouth open and spotted a black tooth amongst a sea of white ones.

“I need to borrow this.” Said Chat, before yanking the tooth from the Akuma’s mouth. Chat crushed the tooth and an Akuma flew out, prompting Ladybug to grab it and purify it.

“Tikki, spots off.” Said Ladybug, turning back into Marinette.

Marinette slowly walked up to the former Akuma, they looked up at her and said, “My beloved! Destiny calls for us!”

Marinette was silent.

“Tell me,” Said Marinette, quietly, “when you killed them, were you Akumatized?”

“Of course not, my sweet!”

Marinette saw red and the next everyone knew, the former Akuma was lying on his back with a broken nose. There was a flash of light and Ladybug swung off, Chat Noir quickly following her.

Ladybug stumbled when she hit the roof of her destination. She quietly slipped through the skylight and landed on a burnt bed. A room that was once bright a colourful was not various shades of black and grey. She carefully made her way down the stairs into the main body of the apartment.

“Marinette, please!”

“Marinette, go!”

“Marinette, sav-”

Ladybug fell to her knees, as tears started to gather in her eyes. Her parents last words kept running through her head, their cries, their screams, how she froze unable to decide who to save first, how the fire hit her skin and started burning it away.

Ladybug suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder, black gloved hands gently pulling her close to them.

All Ladybug could think, or say was, “Why?”

Marinette slowly made her way to class, doing her best to avoid everyone, and failing spectacularly, as all everyone wanted to do was see Ladybug in her day to day existence. Thankfully, or not depending on one’s opinion, Alya found her and brought her to the classroom.

There was an idle chatter in the class, as they were all watching a cat meme video featuring Chat Noir chasing a torch that was being shone on the ground by Ladybug. Marinette remembered that Akuma, Blackout, a six-year-old girl who was terrified of the dark.

Marinette noticed that Adrien was sunk low in his seat, with his face red with embarrassment. Marinette scratched his head as she passed him, before settling in her seat. Marinette started to wonder where Lila was, before remembering that she had been removed from the school for a multitude of offenses, one of which be truancy.

Adrien looked up at her and gave her a small smile, which was returned. Things were slowly going back to normal.

Until a arrow came through the classroom window and hit the wall, covering it in paint.

#miraculous ladybug #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #nino lahiffe #alya cesaire #marinette has autism #Adrien has autism #angst #hurt/comfort #delta writes #tw; mentioned character death #tw; violence #post reveal #pre relationship #bridges au

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askanautistic · 4 years

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I'm wondering if anyone finds that voice recognition software struggles to understand them and suspects it's related to being autistic and/or having difficulty with speech sounds that are perhaps subtle to human ears but are magnified by use of such software. I am finding a lot since lockdown that the auto-generated subtitles on video apps such as zoom and teams don't understand me, but pick up my colleagues or family just fine. (1/3)

(2/3) I've been told that I speak quietly, don't enunciate very well, have a lisp, things like that - but on the whole don't have much problem with people understanding me despite having to repeat myself sometimes, so I'm finding being faced with this a bit embarrassing, for some reason - I'm not sure if the issue is being amplified by technology or people really do struggle to understand me. (3/3) By the way, I should perhaps specify that my accent is similar enough to my family/colleagues that I doubt this is responsible, and it seems to occur across multiple devices too.

I’ve never had reason to try voice recognition software, although I know that people do often struggle to understand what I’m saying when I think I’m being perfectly clear and saying things at a perfectly reasonable volume. I often have people repeat a question that I’ve already answered, very directly, multiple times, and then they give up because they still have no idea what I’m saying. I even had someone comment that people with tongue piercings talk funny, like they have a speech impediment... then say, ‘You’ve got a tongue piercing, haven’t you?’ No, I don’t and have never had a tongue piercing (and everyone I know that does have one speaks exactly the same as they did prior to getting their tongue pierced).

You have no reason to be embarrassed. If everyone else could hear and understand what you were saying, they’ll know the issue was with the software rather than with you. Watching Youtube videos and even programmes on TV with subtitles also shows that sometimes it’s clear what the person is saying but the subtitles are wrong, anyway.

This might be an issue for autistics and any other people who struggle to some extent with speaking, even if it doesn’t sound like they struggle. So many things can affect how people speak. It might be something as simple as where your voice comes from (some people speak more from the stomach/chest/throat/through the nose, etc). I know I struggle to project my voice whereas some people are great at managing to speak really loudly without shouting, and perhaps people who are better at projecting their voices are also better understood? People’s teeth can make them speak in different ways. Depending on the environment it could also be that there was more background noise or your microphone isn’t as good as other people’s equipment. If you do have a lisp then perhaps something that simple is making the software struggle to understand you, even if generally it doesn’t prevent other people from understanding you (my niece has a lisp and she is lovely to listen to speaking). Depending on how the software works, could it be possible that other people are using it more often and it’s already accustomed to their way of speaking but hasn’t gotten used to yours yet?

Try not to worry too much about it. Sometimes it’s easier to just joke it off. I know I have some issues with speech, such as a stammer and some intonation difficulties, and although it’s a bit strange when people don’t understand me even when I’m sure they should, I just joke about it later and accept that my speech perhaps isn’t as clear as other people’s. It doesn’t mean anything much other than that my voice parts struggle a bit more than average, and that’s okay.

You could get someone you trust to meet with you, or perhaps even set up your own meeting if you’re able to, and practise speaking to see if you can figure out a way of making yourself more easily understood to the software.

If you’re really embarrassed by it, you could also always say that your mic is broken or there’s too much background noise and use the chat feature instead of speaking out loud.

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do-what-the-knight-tells-you · 4 years

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So I saw a post on here talking about how, when you take the shit Geralt says in the TV series at face value, it’s unbelievably hurtful and cruel towards Jaskier, just, downright mean, and callous, and designed to make Jaskier feel he’s wasted two decades of his life.

But I hate that, because it makes me sad, and on a rewatch, I found an alternate take.

So whether Geralt is neurodivergent in a way we recognize clinically (ASD perhaps? I won’t address that here, but I love Autistic!geralt headcanons), or whether he’s just built himself a particularly abrasive method of interaction over 100 years of shit, prejudice, and abuse, his really rough, rude abrasive words towards Jaskier are not genuine.

And I would expect/choose to believe, that if Jaskier has continued their companionship over two decades, he has not only recognized this about Geralt, but decided he’s more or less okay with it.

So I had the thought particularly during the djinn episode– saw it pointed out somewhere, how un-comforting Geralt is when the elf-healer tells Jaskier the Djinn-curse can kill him. Jaskier turns, desperate, scared, says “fuck, Geralt!” and Geralt sort of awkwardly pats him on the back and says “yeah, we’re not gonna let that happen” in a fairly begrudging way, as if suggesting that the whole situation isn’t that big a deal.

So what if that response has less to do with not caring, with being callous towards Jaskier’s life and fear, and more with either a genuine awkwardness and discomfort with the idea of comforting someone, he really doesn’t know what to say, he’s not used to being a comfort (most ppl are scared enough of him that even when he rescues them, they’d still prefer he left than comfort them in any way), and he’s probably received very little comfort in his life, doesn’t know how to do it, and is barely experienced with the idea of admitting one might want or need it.

And/or, we see the candid, unemotional way he reacts to the ghoul bite in ep7, to the knowledge that he’s seconds from death. So clearly the smooth, stoic, sarcastic, unaffected thing is his usual method of handling scary shit. He doesn’t even raise his voice unless it might help (i.e. out-yelling Yennefer to be heard over the djinn-hurricane, hoping that he can persuade he to give up the really terrible course of action she’s on that’s gonna kill her).

So the other part of it could totally be a case of him downplaying the danger, trying not to think, speak, allude to, mention the danger, possibly as his own coping mechanism (a lot easier to be “fearless” when you repress the shit out of whatever might scare you. if you never let yourself think about the possibility that things might go horribly wrong, then it’s a lot easier to conduct yourself as if nothing bad might happen).

So when he awkwardly pats Jask on the back, distractedly, begrudgingly, patronizingly says, “yeah, we wont let that happen.” It’s genuine awkwardness, and/or a coping mechanism to not let himself think about how bad it is (focus on the solution, not the problem, solve this one, and then the next, etc… he’d do a good job surviving alone on Mars, I think), and/or an attempt to keep Jask calm by not validating his panic, like how if you don’t make a big deal out of a kid’s scraped knee, sometimes then the kid doesn’t panic either and it’s fine.

And likely Jaskier has been his companion long enough to know some of that, maybe even to actually be comforted by Geralt’s lack of panic. Imagine how goddamn frightening it’d be if your super brave/tough/stoic friend actually looked scared.

(the line, when the elf dude starts talking about how in love with Yennefer Geralt must be, when Geralt says “you’re making me uncomfortable?” It’s definitely a funny line, but also it’s possibly genuine. Geralt genuinely expressing himself)

And then later in the episode, Jaskier delivers that line about “wait, is this the moment you decide to finally care about someone other than yourself?” We literally saw him drop everything, ride across the countryside (putting you on Roach, which he never does), seek help from several unknown sources, including this sketchy sorceress chick (and he admits to her and the audience that his concern over saving Jask’s life was such that he A: skipped the opportunity to seek help for his tortuous insomnia issue and B: was more than a bit willing to sell himself into indentured servitude/ something that looked a bit like prostitution)…

Like, fuck off, it’s clear he cares an awful lot about you Jask, and you have to know that. so are YOU being cruel back? or, are you playing along with what Geralt seems to be comfortable with, caring about you so long as neither of you look at that straight-on, or make him talk about it.

okay, so than the mountain-top divorce. like, Geralt’s p harsh through a lot of that episode, but there is a tiny bit of playfulness I think still in that dig about worthy travel companions. And if this is a method of talking to each other that they engage in regularly, that Jaskier willingly keeps subjecting himself to…

and then Jask comforts Geralt after the mountain crossing, and when he floats the bit about them traveling together again (maybe implying that these recent adventures are new-ish again, perhaps after a period of separation, perhaps Geralt is extra harsh… perhaps this is a normal-ish thing that Jask has noticed, that Geralt is always more brusque, more accidentally hurtful rather than just dry, right at the beginning or end of their travels together, a defense mechanism of sorts? protecting himself from the pain of separation he’s trying not to acknowledge even exists?) anyway, he floats the line, and I’m p sure Geralt nods.

Jaskier seems to know him pretty damn well.

So none of this makes what Geralt says not shitty, and not hurtful, but rather than let myself wallow in the idea that Jask is completely devastated, feels he’s wasted twenty years of his life on a person who is literally ready to throw him away…

Hopefully not. Hopefully he knows Geralt well enough not to… not to give him a pass, necessarily, Geralt def needs to learn from and atone for that really gross behavior… but enough to know that Geralt’s just very bad, unpracticed, and a bit oblivious when it comes to hurt feelings, to understand that Geralt’s just in a shitty toxic place, that it’s got nothing to do with Jask, that the best thing for all of them is for him to remove himself as a target and let Geralt sort his shit out in his own.

That Jask knows this is one of those times where he can trust his friend with his body, but not his feelings/heart.mind/energy, and he needs to take care of himself first.

So hurt, yeah, but not like devastated, knowing that Geralt didn’t mean his words, but did mean, in that moment, to hurt Jask genuinely and drive him off, not in the light-brusque-teasing way that they sometimes have between them. Knowing both that Geralt was reacting to Yennefer, to other hurts, not to Jask, but also knowing that Geralt was willing to put his own momentary vindictive satisfaction over Jaskier… and so knowing that is was time for them to part for a while, for his own sake. That pushing through at this time was gonna be more masochistic than beneficial or productive, so it was time to look after his own mental health.

Like, this is sort of a pattern I’ve seen in folks in the real world. There’s someone close to me who struggles with some nasty bipolar shit (he’s not found a good med combo for him yet, and even when he’s in a more healthy place, lots of his tools and learned behaviors are mostly crappy still from years of this barely coping while undiagnosed), and sometimes he’s cruel as hell, usually when he hates himself the most, and is lashing out partly in an attempt to get you to say nasty shit back, and justify both his resentment of you, and his belief that he is a worthless shitty person.

And when he’s in those periods, it behooves many of us to just… walk away. like, if you can be/are willing/able to be the person that supports someone through that kind of shit, that’s totes your call to make, and might be a really awesome thing for that person (and that’s where professional help and support can also be awesome! Ppl who have trained to be able to hear the bad shit without taking it personally, and to still be able to guide you to better tools afterwards!)

But sometimes, you also have to take your own health and energy and stuff into account and go “I know this person is being a cruel asshole because they are sick and/or hurting… but also I do not need to swallow the shit just cuz there’s an explanation. so imma peace out until they get their shit together a little more, and are gonna be less toxic/hurtful to me, stop taking it out on people. I can help them, maybe, but their mental health is NOT my sole responsibility, and I do a disservice to both of us if I decide it is, and abdicate personal responsibly for my OWN health in the process.” Put on your own mask first, and all that.

(I’ve seen this in alcoholics I know, as well, and the other side of that is letting them know “hey, I know you feel like you have no control, but one area where you do have some, is how you treat people. and if you’re acting like an asshole, then ppl won’t want to be treated that way. They aren’t leaving because You suck, they are leaving because Your Behavior sucks, and if you want to be around them in future, you should maybe work on your behavior. You are not inherently a Mean Person, but the things you do and say to people are Mean, and they don’t need to sit there and let themselves be abused” Like, it is possible to be ill, and make mistakes!, without being consistently cruel to folk.)

So, magical shenanigans and hissy-fits not a perfect analogy for BD, but it resonated a bit, so I figured I’d share

#witcher #witcher meta #my meta #asd!Geralt

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letshopeforthefuture · 4 years

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Raw Faith.

I’ve been trying to figure out why this hurts my heart so bad. I mean I know why, but to put it into words. Then I though of my childhood. I had been looking at pictures from high school and my friends (names changed) Kim and Kyle. Well now they are grown, just like me. Kyle is a tall African American men who happens also to be a father, husband, brother and son. He is a kind, gentle, loving Christian man. I have seen him laugh until he couldn’t breath--laugh, not detained. I have seen tears run down his face...not for injustice but because a joke was so funny or because the Lord touched his hear. If it were Kyle, I would break. If his dear sister Kim’s car was in an accident and her cell phone was dead and she showed up on your porch, what would you do? She is a friend, a sister, an aunt, a daughter. I would fight if someone hurt or shot her simply for seeking help.

And then I think of my son’s Vice Principal. He is a friend of a few of my coworkers. He has a great laugh, he loves his students. He is forever giving his students the benefit of the doubt and showing them what justice and grace looks like. I love that one of my white son’s male role models is an African American man. If the police kneeled on his neck, thousands of children who he’s touched including my own child would forever hate the people who take an oath to protect them. They would break into a million pieces.

Next I think of my best friend’s children. All 4 are children of color. Her oldest are twins, like Kim and Kyle, they are not African American, but brown nonetheless and brown in this country is met with fear, rage and so much ignorance. Her son is tall, awkward, and gangly as many teenage boys are, but he is also sweet, funny and so very smart. Her older daughter is a talented singer, a responsible big sister and her Mama’s best friend (I love their relationship). And my best friend’s youngest two. A son and daughter. Brother and sister as well. They are African American and beautiful. He is a ham, he is a love and he is the sweetest little boy. And she is my squeakers. When she was little more than a peanut, she snuggled in the crook of my neck and she stole my heart. Now a year later, she is already smart, snarky and so full of joy. And at such a young age, these beautiful babies are the victim of a broken system. Birth fathers who want nothing to do with them, an addicted birth mother, and his grandmother--afraid a white woman couldn’t raise a black man and teach him what being black in America would me. And the drugs their birth mother used? Left them addicted before birth. He with autistic tendencies he will forever have to overcome, if he isn’t judged first on the color of his skin or the texture of his hair. They may be judged by the broken background they had no control over. Let me be clear. If my friend doesn’t stop you if you try to hurt her beautiful children. I certainly will. These are the nieces and nephews of my heart. They are the children my son insists are his cousins. Because family isn’t always blood. These babies are my babies.

I may be a white woman in America with so much privilege it is coming out of my eyeballs. I am so lucky I was born with green eyes and light colored stick-straight hair. Not because I like it better or because it makes me better, but because in this country that prides itself on being Christian (Jesus was brown by the way) I’m safe, because of the color of my skin. I’m automatically respected and protected. If I knocked on your door in the middle of the night because I was in an accident, you’d call 911--not for fear of me, but out of concern for me.

My nephew got in trouble with some friends a few years back on the beach. And I didn’t fear for his safety, but I feared for his black best friend’s. And we all thanked God that he had been taking a walk on the beach when his white friends were detained by the police. No one is more dangerous because they are tan. No one’s life is less valuable because of how much melanin is in their skin or where their ancestors came from. That is a lie told to us by the conquerors. The ones who held the bigger weapons. The one who used force to steal what they wanted. The Conquistadors wiped out entire civilizations. The slave traders destroyed families and tribes and villages--ripped apart with oceans in between. The plantation owners and our founders decided humans were property. They decided because they were European and “discovered” this land and I don’t know, believe in God? They could steal everything from the American Indians. Manifest Destiny is a lie. No one is inherently better or worse or deserves “everything.”

We are all sinners, none are clean. Save by grace, made new because of the blood of a very brown Jewish man two-thousand years ago. So all you white Christians out there who think “merica” is blessed by God, maybe it is, but maybe that’s the biggest lie the devil has told. Because the Jesus of my faith would’ve brought George Floyd back for his glory, would’ve healed the police officer dying of Covid, would have flipped tables in Congress and stood against those using violence again PEACEFUL protesters. My Jesus sees the heart, not the policy, not the 2nd Amendment or the stand on abortion, not the amount of $ in your bank account or the color of your skin. He forgives and condemns based on your grace for others, on the purity of your intent, and the magnitude of your regret for the wrongs you’ve committed. No one group of people own Him. No one has exclusive rights to being blessed by Him. He was with George Floyd and Trayvon Martin and everyone else who lost their lives for simply having the wrong skin tone. He held their hands and cried for them. He also cried for those that committed those heinous crimes--for their ignorance and hatred--that the devil whispered in His children’s ears and they listened.

This is an evil, fallen world we live in. We should not be, as Christians, dividing ourselves along party lines or along racial lines or based on our faith. If you are a member of the human race, you should stop and fight for the safety and equality of your brothers and sisters. If you say you’re a Christian, but aren’t appalled at how people of color have been treated in not just this country, but this world, then you may want to reexamine your heart and get down on your knees and pay for a little bit of humility and a whole lot of grace--I know we all need it--none are better than the rest. Love your neighbor as yourself--He left us with just two commandments. JUST TWO. If we can’t even get that right, then how can we even say we follow Him?

#blacklivesmatter #Christianity #blackout2020 #race #do better #knowbetterdobetter #faith in humanity #itsnotaboutyou #protect black lives #george floyd #justice for trayvon #trayvonmartin #protestpeacefully #amplifyblackvoices

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screechingkingdomhottub · 4 years

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my white fragility

so here’s like my experience, as a white person, actively neglecting or dismissing racial issues against primarily black people because “slavery is over, it’s fine now” yeah this is gonna be a yikes but i also think it might help give hope to people when educating bout racism and proof of growth. So my parents are not racist, they are very much of the belief racism is appalling as everyone should be and i’m not allowed to go to america anymore cause of trump being elected and my dad knowing bout trump’s racist shit. He also says a lot about the american issues with police brutality and comments on how they celebrate the country’s founding being a massacre that should not be celebrated the way it is. This isn’t an “america is bad sort your shit out” post. My point here is, my parents would never be anything close to racist, however it’s such an innate part of their nature they didn’t really teach me about it? They just figured any decent human would know not to judge people based off of their skin colour and whilst that is a fair assumption, I had a lot of issues. I’m autistic but was undiagnosed and when i was little i wanted to isolate myself, i would try to come up with any excuse to hate people or to feel like they hated me. I was also pretty blind, once again not diagnosed but i was short sighted so not too bad. I ended up holding a grudge against the wrong person for years, like from 5-10 years old, which i feel really bad about but we sorted everything out and that ended up being fine. I got them mixed up because they had a different skin colour to me, I was just a kid and didn’t know any better and differences were sorted so i don’t feel an immense guilt for that but it’s something worth noting here i feel. Further on the not teaching me, I had no idea what to call people with different skin colours. I barely knew “white” and caucasian is a really funny word to find out when you’re 13. I thought black was a bad word or like only black people were allowed to say it, I’d heard “coloured” before but it didn’t sit right. Now onto me being smarter and slightly older. Let’s call this the Rise of The N Word. Now, I’d never heard that word before. Ever. Any variation or anything. I kept hearing it on youtube or seeing it elsewhere on the internet and feeling like it had a gut feeling of Bad. I felt gross with any association, like even phonetically it’s a horrible word but just something about it felt like it was wrong. I typed it into urban dictionary and discovered it and looked up more and i was like 13/14 and I was pretty stunned. Like the most I’d heard about racism was from That’s So Raven, I knew slavery happened but very very vaguely. So that opened a massive journey. I remember going to dinner, and my brother saying it, I don’t remember the context cause I was pretty in shock. In my house we don’t say anything worse than damn so hearing that was wild. He is about 5 years older than me and I was scared of him but I remember giving him the “dude language!” he then asked my mum if it was a bad word and insisted it wasn’t cause his friends called him “whitey” and “cracker” which my mum’s response was “they shouldn’t but still” and he piped down. I’d made a lot of internet friends by then, one of whom was a black girl i’d talk to like every day. She’s great i love her. Her and I were video chatting and as she was american and I’m Scottish, she asked me to say the n word to see what it sounded like in my accent. I protested a little but I remember thinking like “I’m not gonna tell a black girl what’s racist against black people that seems dumb” so I tried to say it? I got the first two letters and my mouth physically couldn’t. Like my mouth just can’t do it, I’m still not sure if that’s because it’s my conscience knowing it’s wrong or if it’s just a really fortunate word I can’t say but either way, I will never say the n word. gimme a cookie for doing the bare minimum. Then I started getting really stupidly offended. I’d watch these blaire white, andy warski videos who would only show black people talking about racism as “haha look how offended this person is over literally nothing, see this happens to white people too stop lying” and any valid point would be a joke. I gave into that stuff, I wanted to feel like a victim, I didn’t want to accept having a responsibility. I regret that ideology so much. I remember ranting on here about how skin colour is just a preference when dating and debating someone and she found out I was kinda young and I think that changed her stance from being rightfully defensive to a sorta nurturing? kinda tone, like hey dude read these sources, it’s not that simple, it’s okay kinda thing. I appreciate that so much. A see the light moment for sure. I remember around that time, I was sitting in my college class and we got a new lecturer, he left for a bit and I overheard my entire class saying it would be hard for them to not make jokes because he’s black, they later went on to denying where he was from and mock his accent. You bet your ass I scolded those guys for doing that, I didn’t unfriend them though and I should have. Like that, that is the most blatant racism I have ever seen and I shouldn’t have been okay with it. So where we are now, my brother said “the police are scary, that situation is scary, i don’t know if it’s a race thing but it’s scary they are trained to do that” referring to police brutality. Which whilst a true statement gave me a vibe of “I would like to be the victim here”. I don’t speak with my brother because his ideologies and mine simply don’t live in harmony and due to other issues. I recognise I wasn’t acting like an ally before but now, I know better. Now, I cut off those guys that don’t take black people as individuals because they’re constantly focussed on the fact they’re talking to a black person(I really hope that’s why), now I cut off those pricks that think the n word is the peak of comedy. More importantly, now I’m in a position to help reduce unconscious bias in my place of education so that all minorities are treated just as well because that shouldn’t be an issue. There’s a lot more of me too, I promise, night, it’s gonna be okay.

#blm #black lives still matter #black lives matter #racism #tw: racism #think that's enough tags

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