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boxwinebaddie · 2 months

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wait nina why did jersey go to juvy again?

saaaaaur...okay.

it pains me to say this because jersey is my angel and under all the aggression and hard lines, he is smooth and soft as anything but...

jersey was a bad kid.

and i mean a REALLY Bad kid.

like just to make a crucial distinction between pep!kyle and rm!jersey:

( which, yes, i do realize that it's insane that they are the same character but are written so drastically different by me across both my fics, but i think it really goes to show just how much your environment & your circumstances effect the person you become. )

peppermint kyle was very neat tiny handwriting, color-coded notebooks, sweater-vests, squeaky clean record, honor roll, took his job as hall monitor extremely seriously, preppy, quiet and calculated, was an 'um, actually' kid, teacher's pet, valedictorian, textbook 'good'.

rem(ember) kyle?

naaaaaaught so much.

on the subject of juvie/kyle's infractions with the law ( yes, i do think that it's extremely ironic that he is a lawyer given that is constantly disrespectful to authority figures/doesn't respect them whatsoever )

for context: it was the summer immediately following stan's death, kyle had just turned thirteen and the broflovski's had spent a very long vacation somewhere far off, maybe a tropical island, bc they wanted kyle to have a very relaxing/rehabilitating experience after being legitmately traumatized by the death of his super best friend slash love of his life...he was not relaxed at all, btw. and he saw stan in every fucking coconut and palm tree, the ocean was too blue, etc.

but when they got back in to start the school year up, kyle noticed that...there were people in stan's old house, aka the house next door that stan and the marshes had lived in before moving to tegridy...

and kyle...BROKE.

he had a full on Psychotic Break, like a massive pstd episode because

Someone Was In Stan's Room.

someone who was Not stan was in HIS STAN'S ROOM.

so literally with his pupils so dilated with rage that they were pitch black, not even a silver of the beautiful vermilion green stan loved so much, he climbed out his window, no shoes on, no nothing, like in his fucking terrance and phillip pajamas and then proceeded to climb the garden trellis he used to use to get up into stan's room and when the latch on the window wouldn't open he pUNCHED A FUCKING HOLE THROUGHT THE WINDOW AND SHATTERED IT before stepping through it. and his entire hand was fucked up, like blood running everywhere, but kyle didn't care about all he cared about was getting answers and he didn't care what he had to do to get them.

so what he did was grab a GIANT JAGGED SHARD OF GLASS off the floor, hold it over some poor little seven year's olds throat who, mind you, had just moved in next door!!! also he was SEVEN??? and kyle was just like "who the fuck are you??? who The FUCK ARE YOU??? WHY ARE YOU IN STANS ROOM??? WHERE IS STANS STUFF??? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO WITH STANS STUFF!!!!! HUH!!!!!"

and this kid is SCREAMING, like he is Screaming and Crying bc he's so scared, there's blood all over him ( not bc he got hurt, other than psychoogical damage that child was unharmed ) kyle's blood from his busted fucking hand that is basically a wound at this point, so the kid is just crying for his parents, telling kyle he doesn't know what he's talking about, and kyle is about to slit his throat like GUT HIM like a fish, i'm not even joking he was...Seriously Unwell.

and ofc, his parents got there, saw what happened, called 911, called sheila and gerald and it was just this really, reeeallly brutal, gnarly scene of a ton of police officers holding kyle back, they had to like sedate him to get him into the ambulance all the while kyle is just looking at sheila, who isn't even mad at him she's just so worried about him ( ft. gerald being like 'oh my god, i can't believe he would do something so stupid! the whole town is gonna talk about it! what are the guys at the firm going to think of this! i'm ruined! ) and kyle is just hyserically sobbing like "ma—mA, did you see? did you see they got rid of stan's stuff???? where's stan's STUFF, ma? THEY TOOK HIS STUFF, MA!!! STAN'S STUFF, IT'S ALL GONE, IT'S ALL—"

...and the sedative kicks in, kyle's eyes roll back, he's limp and they put him into the ambulence. sheila is besides herself, she's trying to talk to the other family who is FREAKING OUT ( she also didn't have the heart to tell kyle there was no 'stan stuff' all of the stan stuff that wasn't given to kyle in a little shoebox like a fucking cardboard casket was all that was left of stan...everything else was lost in the fire ) ike is dead silent, wordlessly crying, clinging to sheila's legs wearing kyle's ushanka, completely traumatized by that...gerald is making business calls and being the worst fucking father of the year....UUUUUUUGH.

but even That did not put kyle in juvie.

oh no, my friends.

that put kyle in the south park mental house...where he was an ABSOLUTE FUCKING MENACE EVERY SECOND OF EVERYDAY and was there for about a year? i think? before they spit him out, like, they probably should have kept him in there longer, but he was actually so vile and wicked and insane that he scared all the hospital staff within inches of their lives, constantly caused a ruckus, tried to escape like every other day, bit lots of people. they wanted him gone.

speaking of gone, after kyle's stint in the looney bin, the broflovski's moved back to new jersey where sheila's side of the family lives just because kyle was waaaaay too unstable to keep living in south park. also, fun fact, kyle threatened to kill cartman so many times that he had to get a Restraining Order out against kyle and tbh, he Would have beaten cartman within an inch of his life or to death after stan disappeared on the night of the sadie hawkin's dance BUT...

shelley did it for him.

right before she died.

( go shelley, i love you miche <3 )

but back to kyle...or as i, and the entire state of nj like to call him,

jew jersey, better known as kyley b.

who was a fucking TEMPEST.

i mean the mean streets of new jersey cowered and fear when kyley b was on the sidewalk, ppl cried just lookin at him, he was That Bitch.

like, pep!kyle was pocket protectors and tube socks and sweaters.

jew jersey kyley b was ginger hair slicked back with gel, busted lip, knuckles cracked, white tank top, star of david chain, baggy jeans, sweatpants, mean mugging, flipping you the bird; A DELINQUENT.

which is naaaught, again, to say that kyle wasn't a good student. kyle was a Great student. kyle was the best student at south park elem/mid and across all six schools he attended in new jersey. easy.

but...he attended six schools, my friends. or, offended, rather, six schools. so it didn't matter that he was a fucking genius, ten times smarter than all the kids and in his teens already smarter than all the adults too, he was waaay too much of a liability and always fighting, brawling, starting shit, causing a huge scene.

on that note and to answer a different ask message inside this one, i got asked by some lovely anon a while back about why kyle didn't get get into any of the ivies he applied for even though he's a genius...

it's because while he got straight as, he was as crooked as they came.

my boys rap sheet was a miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile long.

and mind you, this is pre!ed kyle, like he was a big boy and he was SLAMMIN people into the sides of building, grinding them into the ground, if stupid gangbanger dudes tried to pick a fight with him, they'd be picking their teeth out of the pavement. he was BRUTAL.

pep!kyle wanted teachers to like him and was a brown-noser, but if a teacher asked jers 'i'm sorry kyle, do you want to teach the class?' bc he was either talking or looking bored, he'd be like 'thought you'd neva ask.' <3 and start LITERALLY TEACHING??? like the work he turned in was beautiful but that boy was a bomb, i think he threw a DESK??? AT A TEACHER ONCE???? like if you try and wave the yard stick at him he will snap it in half n brandish the wood shards at you.

THAT BITCH IS CRAZY AND HE IS MY BABY!!!!!

as far as what Finally sent kyle to juvie...i can't say, i don't know.

i didn't have that planned out, what i will say, though, is that kyle practically LIVED in the new jersey police station/correctional office showing up every day w/ bruised knuckles and a busted ass nose like Sigh...What Was It This Time, Broflovski? ( totally done w/ his shit )

and kyle's like *cracks knuckles, puts feet up on desk*

'some idiot called me gay earlier, so naturally i figured he was comin' awn to me. cute huh? so i decided we should jus' skip the first date dinna or whateva and get riiiight to the good part. so i stuck my foot so far up that cocksuckas ayss that it came straight out his mouth. speakin'a straight, pretty ironic cwalin a yourself straight and then takin' it from another guy, don'tcha think? but yaknow, i tried not to clown him for cryin' too much; coming out is a very emotional thing. i'm a sensitive type, you know that officer. and if i'd'a known it was his first time...i woulda been a little gentla' takin his viriginity. mazel. <3"

he's so fucking funny, i am obsessed w/ jersey. the police officers, however, did not share my sentiment. i swear the second they hear kyle come through those door they're all like "aaaaaaah for Fucks sake. alright, who wants to deal with broflovski today?" and one of the officers is like "don't look at me, i did that last week, i got the kids tonight" and reluctantly the last guy looks around and is like "fuck me, i guess I'LL do it, but you fuckers are paying for all my drinks."

and trust me, you will need a drink! a stiff one! kyle is Very Fucking Mean like!!! we read what he just did to that guys ass w/ his foot!!!

but whatever got kyle sent to juvie had to be like...one hundred times worse than that...i gotta let that cook a little but it was probably REALLY BAD ( i think it was in sheila's honor tho! he is my bad boy w/ a good heart, y'know ) and it was gnaaaaaaaarly. i'm talking like kyle beating someone bloody, broken bones, facial reconstruction, probably mild grand theft auto, punching multiple cops in the face, resisting arrest...a MESS all while screaming and cussing at the top of his lungs via the new jersey slaughterhouse accent which...

i feel like that entire event was horrifying...but if stan was there...i'm so sorry he would be like sheeesh oh my god diooooos mio is it hot in here HSJSKAKA HEEEELP

SPEAKING OF KYLE AND BOY JAIL AND STAN!!!!!!! someone Also once asked me about stan's forbidden internet digging on kyle, if he found out he was in juvie and...he Did...but a lot goes into it.

so basically, in the state of colorado, the psych records of minors are public property, so when stan was being a nosy, nosy little boy and missed his best friend, he found out via google search that 13 year old kyle had been admitted to the south park mental house for about a year. and the trail went dark after that....UNTIL...stan was about sixteen and this viral news article was going around about this deranged humongous teenage boy in new jersey doing bat shit insane shit, running from the cops fighting cops...and they didn't say the kids name but they did say that when kyle punched like all 32 teeth out of some guys mouth he said...

"smile, pendejo"

aND STAN WAS IMMEDIATELY LIKE OH MY GOD ITS MY HUSBAND!!!! but you know...had to act cool...you know...can't let dad and kenny know that you know the love of your life resurfaced...fml. LITERALLY STAN IS STANBANNED FROM GOOGLING KYLE!!! A MENACE, BUT STAN MARSH IS A ONE MAN MAN!!! HE IS WED!

okay, moving on, so there were no pictures of kyle in that article and it didn't say his name but it did say that the troubled teen was sent to juvenile hall. BUT THERE A LOT OF THOSE FML and also new jersey minor records are sealed so.....oh my god....i have Second Hand Embarrassment from stan doing literally the most here.

i don't even Care that jersey almost killed multiple people, ravenstan STOLE KENNYS DRUG DEALER BURNER PHONE, and called every single fucking juvenille detention center in new jersey doing THE WORST!!!! THE WOOOOOOORST SHEILA IMPRESSION EVAAAA! trying to get to kyle. btw, a lot of them were dead ends, obviously were like nice try kid, 'we can't release that info' and he was about to give up...then the Very Last Number he dialed was this absolute shit hole of a juvenile detention center that happened to have kyle...and i just Know kyle was wearing that place down, so when stan asked they were like Oh GOD, Are You Sure? STEVE, LOOK!!! SOMEONE ACTUALLY WANTS TO SPEAK TO THE BEAST. I KNOW! I CANT BELIEVE IT NEITHA! BROFLOVSKI GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!!!!

not stan like literally heart beating one million miles per hour, twirling his hair around his finger, eyes sparkling....and kyles just like WHO THE FAWK ARE YOU?! and stans just like, time stops for a second, bc his brain is doing his lovely synesthesia boy thing where all his senses and synapses are lining up, its the most beautiful sound in the world, everything is singing and it's like...at long last...My Kyle. <3

bUT THEN ITS LIKE AAAAAH FUCK OH MY GOD SHIT SHIT SHIT I CALLED MY SUPER BEST FRIEND WHO THINKS IM DEAD OH GOD FUCK I DIDNT THINK THIS FAR ALONG so he is just Frozen??? hsakds like literally just breathing hard on the other end while scary ass juvie new jersey kyle is verbally eviscerating the FUCK out of him like "I ONLY GET TEN MINUTES OF PHONE TIME A DAY AYSHOLE!! WHEN I GET OUTTA HERE JUST WAIT, BITCH!!! I’LL K.I.L.L. YOU!!!”

and stan is NERVOUS!!!! naturally like both bc he's like u are the love of my life and i miss you and i don't know what to do bc i'm a stupid teenage boy who wanted to hear ur voice...but also i am kind of scared of you...but also hi please kiss me ;) omg jfc...stan go to THERAPY!

so he just LAUGHS!!! like just a little under his breath bc he’s super anxious and flustered...and you know, it's not a cute sound, its clunky and nasally and weird and

...It’s STAN.

but before kyle can say anything, stan hangs up in a Panic becuase chef comes upstairs and ooooooough my god....stan gets in SO much trouble, it's so bad. like he is like on lockdown for doing that. which, i know sounds extreme, BUT STAN IS DEAD!!! STAN ALSO TECHNICALLY KILLED SOMEONE, COMMITTED ARSON AND IDENTITY FRAUD!!! i would say being grounded for a while is very tame…smh, i’m just—baby, what the fuck did you think was going to happen???

back to kyle though, who is LOSING IT because he was like that was stan’s voice THAT. WAS. MY. STAN!!! but that number was untraceable, the correctional officers were like they called you, you should know who they are and he was like yEAH IK THAT WAS STAN!!! and theyre like oh boy here we go like no, kyle…that was not you Dead Best Friend calling you…hands and multiple heavy objects were thrown…you know the drill…and kyle spent a night in solitary dreamin abt stan & his stupid laugh.

btw, in therapy they told him that was just a hallucination or that he wanted to hear stans voices so bad he Made It Up so that’s…fun!!! everyone keep telling kyle he’s crazy when he’s right!!! makes so much sense!

but yeah, kyle was in juvie for about a year and then his senior year of high school he did in person…btw while he was in juvie, he was running that whole place like the goddamn Navy, like, holy shit, kyle was the lawyer ceo king of juvie. ALSO!!! again, please note most of the kyley b pinterest pictures mostly just hair and outfit/vibe references, kyle’s ed did not manifest until the summer after season year when he got rejected from all his ivies/waitlisted for columbia because he thought that because he didn’t look or talk the way sophisticated people do, and wasn’t super mode skinny or flawless, that he would never make it anywhere in the world and he was like fuck you all, i’m gonna play your game…and i’m gonna win.

tldr; regardless of how much jersey weighed at any given time….Not Only Was Jersey Fione…He Was Also Ripped.

;))))

I SAID WHAT I SAID!!! like kyle was out here in the streets every day fighting, threatening to shiv people in juvenile hall, cracking aholes in the cafeteria with the lunch trays & going to solitary, my man is HARD LINED!!!

i feel like bc of his hauntingly beautiful, elegant refined dark academia aesthetic and the ed kyle seems waiflike and brittle but iiiiii beg to differ i think jersey kyle is crazy dummy Stupid SWOLE!!! like he goes to take off his sweater and his teeshirt gets caught and everyone’s jaw is on the floor like HEEEEELLLOOOO NEW JERSEY!!

i must say that unfortunately a large part of kyle’s ed is him staying in shape, he does really long runs Every Single Morning Without Fail and when he’s not studying or working or in class he is at the gym, so even though his body is literally killing over from exhaustion, whatever meager or barely there strength he has left is put into punishing himself for putting creamer in his coffee…sigh.

BUT ANYWAYS!!! SWOLE SCARY SEXY JERSEY KYLE!

-uncle nina, standing w/ her cancelled, problematic son

#gahd twalken about crazy ass scary ass fine ass jerseykyle is my favorite subject #like ik he’s an academic but that does not mean he’s not a menace #it’s also so insane bc they do not look like the same person #like if u saw massive stacked gelled back hair white tank top chain baggy pants bruised knuckles kyley b #and wafer thin evil classics professor elegant austere long hair jersey w the glasses chain #u would be really fucking confused #but then he would start talking and ud be like Ah #Yeah That’s Him #WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT STAN DID HOLY SHIT #im gonna need that tv montage of stan with a gigantic list of juvenile detention centers #crossing them off one by one doing bad jersey accents #screaming into his pillow #like three crushed cans of mango tango monster energy #wearing the kyle cure teeshirt #ALSO GOD HES SO STUPID I LOVE HIM BUT LIKE BABY #U CANT JUST CALL UR BEST FRIEND WHEN UR DEAD WITH NO BACK UP PLAN LIKE HOLY SHIT #not kyle being literally homicidal and hearing one off key note of stan’s laugh and immediately being like *soft boy vc* stan?#IM IN PAIN DONT LOOK AT ME #WILD #but yeah ask me about scary jersey all the time #HES SO FUNNY N CUNTY ALSO I LUV HIM CHEERS MAZEL #ALSO IM SORRY BUT HE IS 100% RIPPED LIKE HE HAD A LIFE TIME #OF BEATING THE FUCK OUT OF PEOPLE #AND HE WORKS OUT CONSTANTLY BC HES MENTALLY ILL #he is a baddie in every sense of the word im afraid #not kylee verbally evisecerating stan on the phone and him being like this is kind of hot #GO TO JAIL LIKE COME ON #i know he had dreams abt that #sixteen year old stan go to juvie challenge u know what he was grounded but he had…a lot to do #lots of…source material…ANYWAYS THERE U GO BABY! HOPE THAT ANSWERED UR Q

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hithelleth · 2 years

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What I've (Not) Watched Lately

I’ve meant to do another one of these for so long there’s quite a number of things I’ve watched or tried to watch. Under the cut because it will get long, but I need to get my feelings out, so I can move on.

I watched 3 episodes of La Brea and then gave up because by episode 3 I should care at least one character and I just didn’t. And plot-holes, lack-of-logic-wise it was worse than Revolution (and that says a LOT). How do people survive the fall and flashlights work but apparently no car does and all plane electronics go out?

I know I shouldn’t expect logic from TV shows, silly me. Anyway, it’s a shame because based on the premise this could have been the new Terra Nova (gah, I think I need a rewatch.) As if I don’t watch too many things already.

I tried Midnight Mass and quit after one episode after I asked a friend and checked doesthedogdie, because ep ending was a very nasty surprise and apparently that continues throughout the show and nope, dead cats and lots of blood & gore to follow etc. are not for me and that’s fine.

I watched two episodes of Moon Knight, but like with La Brea, just didn’t care about the characters (even though Osccar Issac is hot). The plot was at least better but not enough – and I wasn’t in the right space for the moral dilemmas (as in everyone being wrong in some way) it presented. I might give it another go some time, though.

I finally quit New Amsterdam after 4x8, because it got boring and I can’t stand Max (and Max and Helen – and to think I really shipped them in the beginning but the put it off at least a season too long and meh) and I hated the about re: hospital policy, because we can’t make non-capitalist ways work, can we?

I half watched No Time to Die. It was the worst of the Daniel Craig’s Bond movies, IMO. Madeline came out of nowhere and hence, again, I just didn’t care that much about her and everything. IDK how they couldn’t have better established the supposedly core motivation of the movie better in 2 and half hours, FFS. A minute or two less shooting would do the trick, I think.

I also watched Un peuple et son roi, because it was on national TV and it had been on my list. European production is always a nice change of tone and it was okay, but nothing special.

Now, on to more engaging things.

Speaking of European production, I watched Heartstopper and it was fluffy, light, and adorable, and I am looking forward to S2.

I’ve also watched a ton of currently airing shows (now ended/ending for the season.)

The Rookie was a pleasant time-killer, as always.

I need to quit 911 Lone Star. The only good thing I remember from this season was that short Tommy/Julius venture. So, yeah.

I only watched episode 1 of S7 of LoT and IDK if I’ll watch it through the end. Maybe just the ep(s) where Wentworth Miller was back? Otherwise I lost interest and it also got cancelled. So, depends on my mood/state of boredom.

I continued watching CPD, mainly for Tracy, of course, and it also was a nice way to kill time.

I also started Chicago Fire mid-season purely due to Brett Dalton guest-starring, but then got attached to a few other people (mostly Violet) and kept watching. And I was so satisfied with Brett’s character’s arc. It was a healing experience, nevermind the different show and all. I was happy.

I also continued watching Law and Order: SVU & Organized Crime (which I got into at the end of last summer) and these, too, are excellent time-killers. Although, for such an old show – and the same goes for the Chicago franchise – and big fandoms, the said fandoms are surely conservative AF. I guess if I want any content for random unconventional rare ships that pop into my mind, I’ll have to make it myself. If only I had the time & energy. Oh well, I guess it’ll just stay in my head.

The height of my weekly watching was the FBI franchise, as you may have noticed, in particularly the spin-offs, in particularly, the FBI: Most Wanted spin-off. I actually meta-d about those sporadically as I went along.

So in short, FBI is more or less boring and I hate them going back and forth with propping OA up for positive ‘representation’ just to then make him bow down to the ‘way the job is done’, ugh. But Shantel van Santen did bring a bit of fresh air to the show at the end of the season.

FBI: International is what it is and I wrote about it before, but I was satisfied with the season ending (I only caught up today) re: Scott’s mum and as I said before, I am invested in these characters, so I’ll keep watching.

The new boss on FBI: Most Wanted also brought in a lot of fresh-air and as you’ve probably noticed I also got invested to the point of starting giffing again (some of which I still have to do, but see: time and & energy).

Although I’ve just learned Ivan’s leaving the show, WTF. Going like that, this show will be worse than LoT; only two original characters remaining already in S4.

But, again, I’m invested in the rest of them – I also really like Kristin and Hana and Barnes – so I’ll tune in for the next season.

Oh, yeah, I’ve also been watching Stalker, because of reasons. I still have 4 episodes left, but It’s very good, too bad there was just one season.

Phew. I think that’s all. I watched a few other things I believe I talked about in separate posts already.

#what i've watched lately #tv shows talk #movies talk #too many to tag them all so i'm tagging none ;)#next on my to-watch list: finish stalker and derry girls and give troppo a shot b/c david #then we'll see #and i should do another one of these soon lest it gets this long again #now back to fic reading #:p

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