#bc that's where all the painful stuff is

[creamiceandsugar]

the "law being haunted by people from flevance" wasnt even a new idea i had i did it for the WIP i still have of the lyric comic i'm making (i'm being optimistic i know it's been literal years) and it's still one of my favorite panels :)

#trafalgar law #one piece #my art #but! i just did some sketches for the second half of the song and i'm so excited #bc that's where all the painful stuff is #just the problem is the song is So long #and i tire quickly of projects #haha that one Hell's coming with me comic strip that's still sitting in my drafts #it's so close to finished guys but it's been that way for over a year unfortunately #i still have so much law art in me when will it come out

[thedisablednaturalist]

Tw for weight loss mention

The whole exercise will cure your disability thing is a fucking joke. Yes exercise is beneficial for your health, but only if you aren't already on shaky foundations. You need to be on a treatment plan that WORKS before going into the maintenance phase. You wouldn't do regular maintenance on a broken item, you'd work on getting it up and running first. And maybe it would even need specialized maintenance afterwards if it's especially fragile.

I have fibromyalgia and acute degenerative disc disease. My immune system attacks my nerves and discs in my spine are slowly calcifying and causing the bones to constrict and damage my nerves (i think thats how it works). I have days where it feels like my body is on fire from nerve pain and days where it feels like my spine is about to rip from my back. And days where I have both (like today!). I get numbness in my hands and feet. I have horrible migraines. I can no longer walk unaided more than maybe 5 minutes without severe pain. I have something wrong with my knees and hips but the doctors don't know what yet.

You'd think I live an obviously seditary lifestyle correct?

Hell no.

I walk aided on average 6 miles a day over difficult terrain OUTSIDE of regular activity almost everyday. My legs are muscular and strong. I get my heart rate up and a good sweat, like all the gym rats swear on. I am often doing physical labor such as weeding, digging, sample collecting, pruning trees etc.

I'm not saying this to make other disabled people feel bad or prove that they can do anything if they just tried harder. This is an extremely painful lifestyle I've chosen that takes a lot of lifestyle management AND BOUNDARIES to keep up with the work. I also have an extremely forgiving boss who is also physically disabled and knows what I'm going through (deciding between your passion and your health and having to do so each and every day) No one should ever be expected to do what I do. I'm not even sure if I should be doing this myself.

This is to prove that exercise? Has not cured me. My muscles are strong but still hurt as if they're broken and I have to take more breaks than my coworker. I am constantly getting out of breath and I flare up regularly if I'm not careful. I am in excellent physical condition outside of my disabilities. I go to different doctors several times a month to get checked out.

I previously went through a diet program and lost a lot of weight (basically starving myself and got off my depression meds which cause weight gain but are also the only ones that work) and guess what? That didn't do shit either!!! I still felt horrible!!! I've since gained back the weight anyway after switching to focusing on adding more nutrient dense foods than taking stuff away from my diet (also muscle weighs more than fat, and fat helps cushion my aching joints and spine).

The muscle doesn't do shit for my disabilities outside of maybe some stability. Exercising everyday doesn't make the pain go away. Without my medications and aids and nutrition plans and steroid injections and spinal adjustments and physical therapy (that takes my fibro and spine into account) and alternative work methods I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO DO WHAT I DO. Exercise alone is like trying to make a car run with no oil. Yes it'll go but it'll get more and more damaged till it can't and will need its entire engine replaced!

And yet I see new doctors and they look at me and the first thing out of their mouths is do I exercise? I should try doing a little every day :) and then i fucking blow their minds when I tell them about my job. No longer can they use that fucking cop out on me. I've been through this rodeo. Ive tried their suggestions. If you are in pain and nothing is helping? Exercise ain't going to do SHIT. You need to get to a point where you can move without severe pain first (if that's even possible). Then and only then should you consider implementing regular exercise if you can. Also weight loss talk is a red flag and a cop out. They made me lose 50+ lbs before they would look into the reasons behind my pain. Weight loss did nothing for me and exacerbated my pain.

I am living proof that all that shit is a lie and a cop out. That is the point of this post. I cannot believe people with serious medical conditions are being forced to put their bodies through extreme duress just to be believed. You are not disabled because of laziness or because you sit a lot. Plenty of people live seditary lifestyles and do not live in constant excruciating pain (they may develop disabilities later in life due to this however, and should be doing preventative exercises to maintain their health)

Please, share my story with doctors. Use me as an example. I am proof that "exercise first treat later" does not work. I should not have had to wait years to have my pain validated. I'd rather hundreds of fakers get (what? A blood test? An MRI?) than one chronically ill person get told to try yoga and go away by a doctor.

#wrenfea.exe #doctors and nurses dont fucking clown on this post #anything you say needs to be backed up by sources with apa citation thrown in for good measure #this is my personal experience dont tell me im exaggerating or just havent tried hard enough #i will kick you with my horse legs and then go lie down for 4 hours #bedbound people i am sending you so much love and will probably be joining you in a few years #chronic disability #chronic pain #spoonie #fibromyalgia #disability #chronic illness #from the field #physically disabled #this also applies to neurodivergent and mentally ill people but pls don't derail #this is mainly about physical disabilities #you are welcome to make your own post and reference mine if you want @ me and ill reblog it #sometimes im like oh i cant be disabled bc i do all this stuff im a faker inflatrating the community #and then i have days like today where i cannot leave my bed #i am so pissed off that people with long covid and ME have to go through that fucking exercise rehabilitation program #that actively makes their mitochondria worse #you wouldnt start using a vase without fixing the cracks first #the water will spill out and the flower will die #degenerative disc disease

[opens-up-4-nobody]

It's so weird watching fullmetal alchemist in contrast to naruto. Because both are set in fucked up worlds where everyone has committed war crimes, has had war crimes committed upon them, or is a war crime. But I trust that fma fundamentally understands how fucked up everything is, including the sinister qualities of the institutions that allowed this to happen. Naruto understands its fucked up on a surface level, but also glorifies the institution and never changes.

#like the idea is similar at the root bc atrosities have been committed in both worlds on both sides and someone needs to come in #and say. thats enough. enough of this. further violence isnt helping make anything better #and fma does a better job bc it unites all the warring parties agaisnt one monster villian #but i think naruto is more interesting bc the same thing happens but the betrayals feel much more huge and the pain feels more visceral #bc the familial love is so tortured under the shinobi system and all the pain arrises from that system but it never fucking changes #bc the author still feels the need to glorify the village system despite the clear cursed god tree metaphor #idk its just interesting to me where theyre similar and where they differ #in fma the characters r more insane to me bc the fucking ego and hubris is so crazy #idk in naruto it feels more like everyone is so fucked up they think they have to accomplish their goals or die but in fma thry just seem #like they have a right to do the things they do and it unnerves me more #but hey i mostly passively watched fma over 3 days so maybe i missed some stuff lol #naruto ramblings #fma rambling #unrelated #i do think i understand now how naruto never changes. they think: weve been saved. were in a time of peace. everythings good now #and then they never fucking talk abt how fucked up everything was. they just move forward without catharsis #and thats why everything is still fucking awful. they never truely reflect

[what-the-fuck-khr]

GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY IM BACK I HAVE ANSWERS so we looked at my teeth etc and I’m not gonna die of sepsis bc despite all the shit my toothache caused me there’s no infection. so what was it, Bronwyn? good question!

wisdom teeth

#LMFAO #my wisdom teeth are……… so poorly angled. 100% impact on all four #and the left one is tryna make moves so it’s swelling my gums which is raising my molar #and jacking up my bite while the tooth is sensitive in sensitive gums #¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #so he suggested just. get rid of them. take the wisdom teeth out. all 4 bc of the possible impact from them #and if I didn’t I’d just periodically have this crazy ass pain come and go and come and go and fuck THAT so. removal it is #👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 #I have no idea what that’s gonna cost lmfao so we’ll…. we’ll see #and today basically the pain hasn’t been nearly as severe. the swelling has gone down significantly. so I think the pain/problem is #subsiding for a bit. I hope. lol. so they’re referring me to the dental hospital teehee #and then we did a clean of my teeth bc I have crazy plaque buildup and thus bacteria and thus making the issue worse. apparently. so #which isn’t a surprise. depression and adhd means I don’t brush my teeth as often as I should. and floss is scary #while doing that he seemed to have no problems with any of my fillings so I assume they’re fine atm too #all those side effects bc my wisdom tooth wants to play up…….. attention seeker #also between that molar and the gums where the wisdom tooth is. there’s a pocket. apparently. and stuff is getting stuck in there apparently #a pocket……. head in hands. and obviously that’s difficult to clean so that’s also bothering my gums and thus my tooth. GOD #ooc #anyways that’s the dentist update. tldr; I’m fucking fine it’s just wisdom teeth fucking it all up

[haemosexuality]

im so constantly pissed at the absolute LACK of f/f content in this fandom

#like wdyMEAN gertrudexmary isnt one of the most popular ships but lonelyeyes is #ITS THE SAME DYNAMIC #theyd hatefuck the shit out of each other. they are old. they are terrible ppl. cmon #the magnus archives #daisyxmelanie too.... yall r so uncreative #melaniexhelen?? #even the more popular ones like agnesxgertrude and agnesxjude dont have much stuff #u can literally only find shit ab the canon/semicanon ones (wtgfs and daisira) and even then its SO MUCH LESS than any m/m one #look i come from she-ra and undertale where the lesbians are abundant this is painful to me #i cant live like this #i keep thinking of more and more ships w potential. DAISYXJULIA????? CMON PEOPLE #ok like this post is about ships but in general. yall dont give the female characters of this podcast NEARLY as much attention #as the male characters #and its absolutely not the podcasts fault bc the women in this are so amazingly written #theyre all great characters #yall just IGNORE THEM

[wolfeyedwitch]

You ever wanna write but you have so many thoughts going on and so many ideas and stories that want to be told that when you go to put them on paper it's like trying to untangle a basket of yarn that a whole clowder of cats used as toys?

No? Just me?

#i wanna tell the stories #i wanna write the things #i really do #i even have ideas #i just cant get my brain to settle down into one story and work on it from where its at to where i want it to go #its all stuff for 20 entries down the line #or vague au ideas #and i feel like im going crazy because my thoughts are just pinballing around and i cant get them to settle #this is why ive been doing the art thing rather than the writing thing #because art takes much less idea generating energy once its started #i just feel unsettled in my own skin #its a very uncomfortable feeling #writing problems #brain go *dial-up noise* #i should talk to my therapist.... #and possibly my mental health provider.... #idk maybe my meds need adjusting again #i hope not bc thats always a pain in the ass

[hella1975]

some people really still treat drugs like it's a fun little thing and im trying SO hard not to get mad about it

#like okay so the set-up is this my flatmate (F) is chronically ill and is on immunosuppressants as well as a fuckton of other stuff #and she started smoking weed bc it's the only thing she's ever found that even touches her pain #ive NEVER had a problem with that ive never had a problem with WEED even IVE done it a couple times #but me and her have VERY different attitudes towards drugs #i came from a hometown where we were between two notoriously drug-high towns/cities and we get caught in a lot of the trading #between those towns so naturally my town just generated a fuck ton of dealers starting when they were like. thirteen years old #i saw it through my entire year i was exposed to class A drugs when i was like. fifteen at parties and shit #it's HUGE in my town i seriously can't express how much it's crippled the youth of my town #like my childhood best mate's brother literally got glassed bc he got into debt with dealers it's just everywhere #so that alone makes me very wary of drugs and like. the novelty of them is just NOT THERE for me at all i actively dislike them #AND THEN there's all the kids in my year that have died bc of substances. there's the phone call when i was AT A PARTY #that my seventeen year old cousin had OD'd. like that just summed it up for me it's so prevelant that i was at a party with drugs #while he was dying. so yeah wholeheartedly i couldn't give a shit about drugs i wont touch anything stronger than weed and even that #im not keen on. my flatmate however? she DOES drugs like she smokes regularly and she likes edibles #but she doesn't come from a druggy place so it's a weird combo of me (doesn't do drugs) knowing more than her (does do drugs) #and bc she's the one who actually does them she pure WONT LISTEN TO ME #and do u know what happened last night? this girl on IMMUNOSUPPRESSANTS got completely fucked #like drank 2/3 of a big bottle of vodka within an hour. and then she fucking went and did ket #and i literally was like 'that would be an awful idea anyway but ket you're REALLY supposed to not mix with alcohol' #like obvs mixing any high class drugs is bad news but ket is renowned for going bad with alcohol #i think it's bc it shuts off the opposite side of the brain that alcohol does? so taking both increases risk of shutting the whole thing of #or smthn. like people forget than an overdose isn't always fatal and i think bc they associate overdosing = dying #they assume the risk is EXTREMELY low especially when ur young and feel untouchable #AND THEN she smoked some weed as well. like i literally sat sober with her and her mate the entire time and again in the kitchen #bc i thought id distracted her from the weed and sitting with her she thought i was just hanging out #like NO BITCH IM MAKING SURE YOU DONT KHOLE BC YOU WERE TOO STUPID TO LISTEN TO ME #and i hardly slept last night bc i convinced myself when i woke up she'd be dead in her room #and we had such a nice day planned today like it's super sunny and me F and another mate are spending the whole day at the park #but she's just cancelled bc she feels too shit and im just. TRYING not to be angry about it #WHY ARE SOME PEOPLE SO DUMB

[tchaikovskym]

I have to admit I never even imagined witches to be evil until I came here on tumblr and read some of y'alls analysis of literature and other media. The whole evil laugh and brewing potions did not connect to being evil in my mind ever. I was just raised with everyone around me thinking witches were cool as hell.

#my grandmother used to tell me that she was a witch and that her daughters and also me were ones too #and tbh i believed that bc she used to take the pain away with her magic #which was just her hovering her hand above the painful place #and istg it worked every time be it placebo or the #im not going to explain the neural pathways that make thermal and tactile sensations lessen the pain #but its a thing #and all my aunts liked witchy stuff #they made runes on pebbles by painting the sigil with a nailpolish on them #my grandmother also told the future by regular playing cards #i was taught the thing where you hold a necklace and ask a question and if it swings one way its yes the other - no #both my mom and grandmother have had at some point protective spells in their wallets #my grandmother always made a protective spell on us when we were leaving #i was taught to always greet and thank the mother of forest when going mushroompicking/collecting berries #me and my younger aunts (i had 5 year difference with the youngest) were always up to some weird stuff #like you know lighting a candle by the window and repearing a phrase to see how your fated one will look like #a lot of things in midsummer with flower crowns were done for luck or once again to predict the future #oh and the whole holding a metal object that started turning in your hand when you went above underground water junction #there were. a lot of things. #oh and we even collaborated with ghosts #and we had two completely black cats when i was little #and i remember i once found a part of an animal skull on the ground and i felt overjoyed #so yeah thats how i never even imagined witches could be evil #until late teens

[themyscirah]

This is technically a Diana's age poll but I framed it partially around Julia's rescue because that's the event I need to contextualize and whether or not Diana is a thing yet is p important for my purposes. I would keep the Pérez run and postcrisis continuity in mind when answering this bc that's when this is relevant but I'd keep in mind that even though Diana is very young there (like early 20s) we don't know I don't think if she ages differently as a child (esp as a themysciran AND being made from clay) and in some versions she is older than she looks and was made earlier

Edit: I accidentally logic-ed this out in the tags lol 🤦‍♀️but feel free to still vote however you want. Going to publish this anyway bc I think I made some good points later in my tags

#blah #the 45 years is a guesstimation of julias age w her being in her late 40s #bc she has a middle school aged daughter which would make you lean a bit younger but shes also highly respected prof at harvard (is she the #dept head? i think so. and has a career that would suggest older. and shes also drawn middle aged so 🤷‍♀️ #i would say late 40s early 50s for her honestly. but i moved it down a lil bit bc of vanessas age #wait shit i may have contradicted logic here bc wasnt the diana trevor stuff supposed to have happened before dianas birth. and that was #wwii. which would be btwn 42 and 45 years. BC PÉREZ!TREVOR IS OLD I FORGOT THAT #okay so actually there still could be a question of what happened first the timeline would just be much shorter #but then wouldnt julias family be boating during wwii? that makes no sense #im definitely thinkimg too hard about this probably. logically it would make the most sense if diana was like 20smth in reality. but thats #its own basket of worms honestly. like what do you mean hippolyta only had like 20 yrs w her daughter out of a lifespan of thousands of #years. what do you MEAN she became champion and ambassador so young like #like also thats the point though. she had to wear a mask in the challenge for a reason. her inexperience with men is what makes her the kind #of ambassador they need. and her youth and relation to hippolyta and role as the baby of the amazons is one of the things that makes her #ambassadorship SO important is bc she fulfills that role in an ancient sense. where it would be a sign of great trust and respect to send #someone close to the crown as an envoy bc it shows you mean business and arent going to reneg on whatever the deal is. bc if you do they #shoot the messenger #god anyways i very much answered my own question here in the tags like 100%. esp in regards to the pérez canon bc he very much laid this out #and i was trying to weasel my way out of it. only that didnt work and the decisions he made he made for a reason and they have huge #narrative importance. damn. okay then #i always write the shittiest posts and the best tags and then have to keep the post to keep the tags #i rlly need to make these tags posts ugh. anyways keeping this up bc of my tags abt diana and ambassadorship #also sidenote I LOVE HIPPOLYTA #just though id mention that. i love how much shes motivated by love and i also love when she makes fucked up decisions bc of that and has to #live with them. woman of all time FOR REALS #god this is making me want to reread historia again lol bc its the one ww comic i own. also its fire. and hippolyta gets to make shitty #decisions motivated by emotion and live w the consequences. and the comic is actually good unlike when that happened in the messner-loebs #run. which was the other instance of that ive read rlly. 10000% sure there are others but i havent fully gotten there yet. #i mean ive read other comics where she makes painful decisions thats like her whole deal but there are different vibes to those than the two #i mentioned. like the exile thing in ww year 1 or rlly anytime she has to send diana away

[irritablepoe]

ok i wrote a little over 1k words today, somebody tell me they're proud of me :')

#THE TAGS ARE LONG SO BE WARNED!!! #and it's mostly ramblings so not a vent post #i have a good feeling about this draft #i mean i just started a new one but i have kind of a much clearer idea what i'm doing now #i have a notebook where i put a timeline of all the events and it's so helpful #though i have SOOOOO MUCH fantasy names and shit that i invented like a year ago and even though i have all the origins of the names noted #i have little idea how i got there #i even invented a whole calender that i'll use in this story (hopefully) and i'm so proud of this omg #i hope i get this draft finished one day bc it would be a really cool high fantasy book if i do it right yk #AND I'M SO PROUD OF MY MAGIC SYSTEM #it's reaaaaallly complex and i spend weeks figuring it out #though it's been a while since i wrote anything in this project and i don't have all the information on paper (in the notebook) yet #so the information is kinda spread throughout all the documents that i started for like little oneshots scenes and beginnings and stuff #and i have to find them all :') #but creating is soooo fun #but writing is a pain since march for some reason #i had a lot on my plate but also... that normally helped? #well i hope i'll get to write in september bc of semester break #i looked at my progress chart-thingy over the year and i wrote so much in feburary ;-; #i want this back plsssss #nowadays i only get to do like one poem in 2-3 days (and not even that!) and 90% of them are shit #ANYWAYS #thank you for reading all this if you did <3 #this was just me rambling lmao #i haven't posted much today aaaahhh but well i'm very tired and in pain :( #i wish weekends were longer man #period.cramps.are.shit. #personal

[yearningheart]

.

#so uhhh im pregnant lmao #im doing fine its not affecting me all that much but #i would appreciate if anyone that has had an abortion #or knows someone that has had one #can tell me abt their experiences in regards to physical pain and stuff #im looking at abortion pills bc i think it's only been like 3 weeks so #my pain threshold is so low and i have exams soons so im kinda. scared #hoping that everything works out smoothly 😭😭😭 i dont know GOD #also obviously i've done research and im going to a clinic tomorrow for consultation i just wanted firsthand experience #also abortion is illegal where im currently living so 😗✌️

[lunarharp]

various witch stuff of the day or whatever the heck

#witch hat tag #orufrey #uhh yeah just getting some stuff out of the way haha i like the first one tho. i drew something that scares me #iguin must have been involved in qifrey's thing somehow. The Lidless eye..the sight of the world..i mean i think [redacted] #and he'll be [redacted] and [redacted] will be forced to... [redacted]???!?!!? #I want to keep my theories to myself.......or do i. not being a fandom person (other than dropping my art and leaving) means i just.. #combust inside by myself with ideas and FEARS FOR THAT MAN.....CAN SOMEONE HELP HIM IM SO WORRIED IM SO... #CAN YOU LET SOMEONE HELP YOU #apparently tetia's expression in the last one is hard to understand =.= she's emotional bc she cant believe they remembered #the twin hat idea. and that she's so happy. i was thinking about how she was probably qif's first pupil so there must have been a time #where it was just her qif and oru... i DO think she is hinted strongly to be trans but even if not her mystery background is probably so sad #why would qifrey even become a teacher? his goal was the brimhats. but he keeps being distracted by kids with problem pasts so #he must have only been drawn to help tetia out of a deep sympathy. it seems at that point he and oru had drifted apart #did oru decide to be his watchful eye hearing about that or did qifrey ask him? he thought that qif had given up on brimhat stuff so.. #*mumble mumble* lately i also keep remembering oru saying something UNREAL in kitchen like 'we're finally living under the same roof' ???? #you can't just say that. what on earth. i..... whatever. i haven't even processed like 20% of my potential emotions about them #i feel so weirdly emotional today. i stopped thinking about witch hat for zuka even tho im SO hyperfixated it is genuinely PAINFUL to stop #i stopped just long enough to watch gatsby raku.... my haachan #i'm so grateful right now that i dont have any big issues in my life rn so i can get worried about manga men and sad about actors retiring #today at least i am extremely grateful. living and being alive is so so so so weird. i hope we all make it

[miamicommune]

thinking abt how nemesis kind of sets up what should be the most thematically interesting ambition in FL and how quickly that fades as it goes

#had a good amount of time to think abt it now and the knife price cut just hit so ive got some thoughts #nemesis puts a good amount of time into asking the player how far they're willing to go for revenge but the message dilutes as it goes #you start off and it costs you hard-earned lessons to /not/ kill someone really early on. to /not/ kill it costs you extra #and then as you go ur just given more and more cost gates and it never quite hits that same note again #not until right at the end where you can spare m_ ______ and m_ ___ #but there is the feeling that you're doing it no matter the cost #and i think that's why the knifegate change has me hurting. like as much as it was a pain it also felt amazing to get through it #i think what should've been added rly was an option to get the lethean tea leaves from the esuriant smith or lilac #bc the main thing that's missing from the whole 'revenge tragedy' plot is the ability for the player to have turned away at any point #only to keep pushing on because they just can't bring themselves to forget #in the end it just feels like that early 'kill for the keys' or 'just knock them out but its harder' should've been a recurring motif #like the bodies always pile up in revenge stories. how much are u willing to do to ensure they don't?? #it'd have been nice to have more options #ways around dealing with that devil other ways instead of taking red honey ways of not (probably) worsening the condition of a seeker #idk #im also at least a little bit mad abt the fact that for all that cost there's almost never fun post-nemesis things #always seeing hearts desire options (HATE u mr cards) and BaL options and what do nemesis players get. hellicon house stuff.

[inniave]

surgery is scheduled for friday morning. it's worse than we thought :/ but the doctor seemed confident she can do it. we just have to make it through this week. we're so close. so close.

#i cant be asleep for surgery which yk i didn't want to be but also now the actual procedure is going to be ummmm scary #not well but i'm using every single coping skill #she gave me a sedative for the night before and also the morning of so that's a relief #it's so much. so much. but now at least we have a date. there is a point where it will be over #the pain is gonna suck though cause she can't give us the normal pain stuff cause some meds i'm on :/ #but hopefully that'll only be for a few days #and i can continue all my normal pain management #anyway i'm really fucking scared but using every coping skill i've got #and just trying to look forward to all the nice things after #like doctor who!!!!! kinda nice the surgery will be friday so i can look forward to the new episode #and i can listen to an audiobook during the surgery & i think i'll do howls moving castle bc i've already read it & i love it a lot #it's really comforting #anyway #just got to make it a bit further. just a little longer. we're so close.

[seventh-district]

i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)

#Seven’s Public Diary #vent #vent post #cw vent #cw vent post #cw health #cw heart #i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it #i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help #sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me #he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me #sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree #have i Ever actually relaxed #hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch #anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things #a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal #so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now #and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser #i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever #if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked #all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is #every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse #anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches #‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now #i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC #which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it #i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead #anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t. #it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about #i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father

[darabeatha]

Absolutely feral that after getting kicked from heaven and falling down for 9 whole days (and then staying burning in agony in a pit of fire down in hell for another 9 days) s.atan and his army of millions of fallen angels just crawl from the shores of hell, decide to make a hugeass palace for themselves and then discuss what the heck are they going to do now, only to come to the conclusion that the way to hurt god the most would be to destroy his newest creation (men) which from then on they can further take on earth and make it their new kingdom (bc during the council, one of the fallen angels argued that even if they made a new kingdom in hell, at the end of the day they are still essentially 'trapped' in a box, so would that even count as a triumph?)

#;ooc #ooc #;about #about #what i find most interesting is that despite the hatred and all; there are a lot of points during the story where #s.atan laments the current situation in a way; #i wish i could list them but that would take ages of revisiting OUGH #like at one point when he arrives at the garden of eden #and sees just how immensely beautiful it is (mind u he and the rest of the fallen angels have met for the first time the concept of agony #and pain when they fell from heaven) he sorts of goes through a crisis about how he laments things #but then he's like;; no no this isnt what i want what i want is POWER and basically goes like #if i cant have this no one can; and just proceeds with his plan of corruption #anyways i think the title of the universe' first sin to adress him is kinda cool title ngl #its like; as a human it makes u sort of sympathize with him but then u realize that all this guilt and stuff #isn't really coming from a greater good in his heart to want the best; it comes from greed; jealousy; hatred; pride; etc etc #or well; i dunno i found it so troubling that we can sort of understand more his logic than the logic of angels & god #there's s o much philosophy and theological debates stacked that i dont think I can properly put words into it #bc again im a baby in all of this #but it really is very interesting #like i dunno; something something about how they WANT retribution; or better said; vengeance against god #they want to inflic this new found pain back #and finding that the best solution to revindicate themselves would be to destroy his creation #that's like feral man i dunno it makes me just -HANDS ON FACE- #bc supposedly god loves his creation with all his heart so its like; to destroy that;; what would that make him feel? #and also;; if god created all angels; why did he create an angel that could feel these emotions? #that quote that went something like 'why did you create me to be flawed' AGH I CANT REMMEBER IT WELL #i know theres something about free will that is discussed a lot in the story but #its so complicated to put into words im just gonna go OUITRTROI