#bc they think they’ll be hurt

[i-eat-worlds]

Stab O’clock

Phoenix gets stabbed, whump ensues.

Thanks to @snaillamp and @whumpy-daydreams for helping with the medical stuff in this! Aaron and Phoenix belong to @pigeonwhumps

cw: medical whump, dubcon medical care, past medical abuse, graphic depiction of medical procedures (tube thoracostomy), needles, blood, implied current abuse, fear of punishment, wound fingering, immortal whumpee, wishing for death, past death, comfort believe it or not

“Firebird!”

Phoenix rolled away from the voice calling their name, trying to drag themselves deeper into the alleyway. If they were discovered like this, it wouldn’t end well. You couldn’t fight if you could barely breathe.

“Firebird!”

A black, blue, and orange uniformed hero rounded the corner, and Phoenix shrunk back further. Absurdly, they wished they could bleed out and die quicker, so they could heal. Being found like this was sure to end badly. Injured heroes were useless heroes, and useless heroes got punished. The hero called out for them again, moving towards the alley way.

They held their breath, hoping the hero would walk by and ignore them.

They didn’t.

Instead, the hero turned into the alley, dropping to their knees in front of them. He mumbled something into his coms before he looked at them. “Hey Firebird, I’m Exhale, I’m a medic.” He gestured to the patch on his left arm. “I’m here to help you, yeah?”

Medics? Who had sent medics out for them? That was a gross waste of resources. Phoenix shook their head. “ ‘m immortal.”

Talking was hard. Every word stole precious, precious air that was getting harder to take in by the second.

Exhale nodded. “Good to know, thanks for telling me.” He quickly located the wound on their chest and started quickly cutting the fabric away.

“No, ‘m immortal.” Phoenix whispered, pushing his hands away. “You don’ need to do that.”

“Not how that works. Let me help.” Exhale pressed a clear, sticky bandage over their chest. It was clear he wasn’t planning on arguing.

His hands wrapped around them, checking their backside for another wound. “ ‘m sorry,” they wheezed.

“It’s alright.” His hands pulled away. “I need you to lay down. I’ll help, yeah?” Phoenix let him gently set them down on the ground. This moved them out of the shadows, casting streetlight over their upper body.

Their chest still felt heavy and tight, even though the weird bandages he’d put on helped a little bit. It did nothing for the pain, every movement of their rib cage extending the burning ache. In the distance, they could hear sirens. Stupidly, Phoenix wondered if the sirens were for them.

That was silly, though. Why would they need an ambulance? It wasn’t like they were going to die.

“I’m gonna need to decompress your chest,” he said. He was holding something in his gloved hand, but Phoenix couldn’t really see what it was. “It’ll probably hurt, but it’ll also make it easier to breathe.”

They whimpered as Exhale pressed his fingers next to their sternum, only a few inches away from the wound, then slid them across their chest. In the corner of their vision, they saw light glint of of a very long needle.

They didn’t have time to really process what it was until after it was driven through their chest.

Shocked, they gasped, breathing hitching and head popping off the ground. Exhale didn’t seem so surprised, pressing his hand onto their shoulder to keep them from moving too much. “You’re alright, you’re going great.”

It certainly didn’t feel like that.

“The ambulance is on its way, they’re a few minutes out.” For some reason, he was still gently squeezing their shoulder. It wasn’t that they minded, it was just odd.

It was easy to tell that the ambulance was coming, sirens screaming through the night. Phoenix closed their eyes to try and get away from bright flashing lights as it parked. It was so easy to keep them like that.

“Phoenix, can you open your eyes for me?” He shook their shoulder a bit, but when they didn’t respond, he switched to grinding his knuckles into their sternum.

Their eyes popped open, and they raised the arm on their uninjured side to try and push his hand away. “I need you to try and stay awake, for me, yeah?”

The ambulance ride passed in a blur. So much was going on. While Exhale was starting an IV, another paramedic was attaching them to a monitor. An oxygen mask was looped over their face and then they were covered by a blanket. They felt a strange coolth running up their arm, and they realized that they’d been given painkillers.

It was too much, really. All the care and attention would've been better spent on someone who wouldn’t live anyway. The thought of having to pay for this made them nauseous. Hopefully Kai will believe that they tried to say no, because Abbie wouldn’t care.

Phoenix heard the arrival alarm go off as they were rolled into HAL’s medbay. Aaron, along with a cache of other nurses met them by the door. They clumped around the stretcher, and Exhale started rattling off a long list of words and numbers that they didn’t understand at Aaron.

“ ‘m sorry,” they mumbled to them, but he was too busy talking to hear them. “I promise ‘m sorry, sir.”

Nobody responded. Of course they didn’t. They were being annoying, and they needed to shut up.

“Three, two, one, lift!” Somebody called, and they were hoisted off the stretcher and set back down on the table. The movement caused pain to flare in their chest, and they groaned loudly. The assault of hands returned as they were attached to the medbay’s monitor, nurses swarming around them.

“You with me, Phoenix?” Aaron was standing at their head. His face looked weird upside down.

They nodded, feeling the tears starting to build. “Yes, sir.”

“Good, good.” Aaron’s eyes flickered up, watching as their blood pressure cycled. “We’re gonna take an x-ray, okay. Just lie still for us.”

Someone pulled an x-ray machine over the bed, and Aaron backed away. There was an awkward moment of quiet as the machine hummed and wirred, and then everyone briey stared at the radiograph that Phoenix could neither see nor interpret. Aaron rattled o a list of stuff he needed done, and the room descended back into organized chaos.

“I’m gonna need to place a chest tube. You’ve got blood in your chest, so we're going to put a tube in and drain it out so you can breathe better,” he explained as he rubbed cleaning gel on his hands.

Phoenix swallowed nervously, giving up on holding back tears. They could feel the pain of the scalpel slicing through their chest, of cold metal pushing their ribs apart, of hands digging around inside them as they died and resurrected and died again.

“You’re lucky someone is willing to help you at all. You know you don’t deserve it.”

A nurse pulled the blanket all the way to their belly button, revealing the myriad scars that covered their body. Burns, several GSWs, an old wound from a spear, and the long, thick, almost keloid scar from the thoracotomy.

“If you stopped fucking moving I wouldn’t need to paralyze you. It’s not like you need to breathe.”

Their attention was drawn by Aaron’s voice. “Phoenix, I need you to keep breathing for me. In and out, in and out.” He looped a mask around his face, then plunged his arms into the sleeves of a waiting gown. While he spoke, the nurse wiped the skin around their chest and up their arm with a stinky orange solution.

“Please, ‘m sorry, sir,” they gasped. The monitors screeched as their heart rate spiked. “I promise, sir, ‘m sorry for getting hurt.”

Aaron’s eyebrows furrowed. “I’m not mad at you for getting hurt, Phoenix. I’ll never be.” Cold flared in their arms, but they were too scared to recognize it as pain medication. Latex snapped as he donned a pair of sterile gloves.

The squelching of viscera echoed in their brain.

“If you don’t stop screaming I’m going to cut it. I can literally see your aorta. Don’t test me.”

He started to unfold a drape on their chest, looking up at a nurse on the other side of the table. “Can you get Joseph in here? They need more support than I can provide while I’m doing this.”

Phoenix whimpered, tears rolling down freely down their cheeks. They’d known that Aaron’s kindness wouldn’t last forever, that it was too good to be true, but it still hurt. And Joseph as well? Was he going to hold them down while Aaron cut them open? Or would they just slit their throat and be done with it?

“I told you I wasn’t fucking around. You could’ve prevented this if you would’ve just kept still.”

“I‘m sorry, please, I promise, I’m sorry, sir.” They tried again, desperately. “I didn’t mean to get hurt. I know I don’t deserve it, sir. I know. I promise, sir, I know.”

They gasped for air, hand clawing at the tide of the table.

“Can someone gag them please? I don’t want to hear them breathing like that. It’s annoying.”

Joseph appeared in the entryway to the room, quickly crossing on the side away from Aaron. He was wearing his full INSUPA uniform, med patches and all, same second in command stripes as the person in the alley had. Was Joseph Exhale?

It didn’t really matter now. He was going to hurt them anyway.

“Can someone hold them down? They move too much when they resurrect.”

“Hey Phoenix, can you look at me?” He was smiling at them, but he still looked terrifying.

They tore their eyes from the needle in Aaron’s hand to look at him. “That’s good. Eyes on me, eyes on me.”

“Don’t look at me like that. You know it's your own fault.”

Joseph kept talking to them, voice low and calm. “Is it okay if I hold your hand?” They nodded, knowing their answer didn’t really matter anyway.

“We’re gonna take care of you. I know it’s scary.” His hands were calloused and hard, and he gently started to massage the top of their hand with his thumb.

Why hadn’t he killed them yet? What was he waiting for?

“Stop crying. It’s distracting me.”

Aaron touched their chest. Fear exploded in their gut, along with boiling waves of nausea. Even though they knew they’d come back, they didn’t want to die.

“Aaron’s starting the local now.” Joseph said, squeezing their hand a little.

“I don’t care that it hurts. Just keep still.”

The needle punctured their skin, and they did their best to not wiggle away. There was an acidic burn in their chest as the medication took hold.

“I know it burns, but it’s nearly over,” Aaron said, grabbing another syringe. “That’s the first round of local anesthetic in, you’re doing great.”

Joseph smiled at them again, and Phoenix wondered what the point of the medication was. Weren’t anesthetics supposed to make things hurt less? That couldn’t be right.

They were supposed to be dying.

“Pain meds? That would be wasted on you. I don’t think it’d even work.”

Aaron swamped out the syringe for a scalpel, and their eyes went wide with fear. This was how he was going to kill them then.

“Eyes on me, remember?” Joseph’s voice was commanding, and their eyes snapped back to his face.

“I’m sorry sir,” they said, voice filled with fear.

“I didn’t know you were too stupid to follow even simple instructions. Stop. Squirming.”

They prepared themselves for the pain of being sliced open, waiting for the agony to spread along their ribs.

“Tell me if it starts to hurt,” Aaron said. There was a strange pressure on the side of their chest, and the metallic smell of blood filled the air.

It was strange, but it didn’t hurt. It was supposed to hurt.

“It’ll go faster if you don’t cause problems.”

There was an uncomfortable tugging and pulling sensation, and then Aaron’s finger slid inside their chest. They suppressed the urge to cringe away.

“They need more local.” Joseph said, his tone switching from soft to business when he talked to Aaron.

“ ‘m okay,” they insisted. They didn’t need any more superfluous medication wasted on them. It already wasn’t as bad as they’d thought it’d be.

“I wouldn’t have had to do this if you’d just behaved.”

Joseph kept holding their hand as Aaron reached for another syringe. “You’re doing great, keep it up,” he assured them.

The burning sensation returned, and then they were being spread open again. A rush of blood splattered onto the floor, splashing on Aaron’s gown.

“What, are you afraid of a little blood?

He stuck his finger into their chest again, rotating it around inside them. “Any pain, Phoenix?”

“No, sir.” They were crying more now than before.

He snatched the tube off the tray. “Give them another point-two of Eropental.”

“If you complain that it hurts one more time, I’m going to just leave the rest of the shrapnel inside.”

Joseph let go of their hand to administer the medication, and for some reason, Phoenix didn’t like it.

Meanwhile, Aaron was deep in concentration. He carefully threaded the hard, plastic tube into their chest, then quickly connected them up to the strange looking drainage machine and opened up the clamp. “Tube’s in.”

It was quickly filled with blood. “Now all we gotta suture it in place. You’re nearly done, Phoenix.

“It’s kinda useless to stitch them, since they'll heal up anyway.”

This, at least, they were familiar with. Aaron had stitched them up way more times than was justied for any one person.

Joseph was back to holding their hand now. If they’d made it this far, the punishment would probably come later. “You did great, Phoenix.”

They didn’t believe him, but they weren’t going to argue.

“Just catch up after you heal. We don’t have the time to carry you back. You have to pull your own weight.”

Aaron dosed the wound liberally with another round of anesthetic before he covered it with several layers of gauze and tape.

The blood was practically flowing out of them, out of the tube and into the pump. “We’re gonna get you scanned next,” he said as he tore off his blood flecked gown and gloves. “Hopefully your healing is doing a good job of patching it up.”

Joseph squeezed their shoulder. “We gotcha.”

For a brief moment, Phoenix let themselves entertain the thought that they weren’t going to be killed at all. If Aaron was expecting them to heal, then maybe they’d be okay. But the anxiety settled in there chest again.

Now they had to do was survive what Abbie would dole out to them.

Aaron and Joseph had let them off easy.

Abbie wouldn’t.

Taglist: @/pigeonwhumps @rainydaywhump

#worlds babbles #whump #medical whump #past abuse #medical procedure #needles tw #blood #fear of punishment #multiple caretakers #medic caretaker #wishing for death #joseph oc #aaron not my oc #phoenix not my oc #this is long and I love it #also Eropental: #superhero strength narcotic #this was fun I should write more surgery #it’s dubcon bc Phoenix doesn’t want it #bc they think they’ll be hurt #but HALs/INSUPAs implied consent policy is very broad #superheroes don’t get DNRs basically

[jasontoddenthusiastt]

On the subject of gotham county line and batman noel and so on and so forth it’s pretty frustrating (from a watsonian pov) that anytime Bruce hallucinates Jason being loving/ caring/helpful/compassionate towards him it’s always as robin and never as his current self

#it's ironic because Jason as robin never got the chance to become as obedient & devoted (malleable) to Bruce as he currently is #which is a result of being abused/manipulated for a more prolonged period of time #“maybe if I try harder and do it right this time he'll finally see the truth” #classic abuse tactic #no matter how well the victim fits the mold set by the abuser they’ll never acknowledge it #rather if they see you trying they’ll push harder and tell you you’re not perfect #the small shreds of affection here and there are important for motivating the victim to keep trying #kelseethe #Jason initiating the hug in rhato 27 after Bruce insinuated that those beatings will be a regular occurence bc he deems it a necessity #continuing to support Bruce even after Ethiopia and sticking around to help get Damian back #eagerly cooperating with Bruce + co in event leviathan then getting surprise pikachu faced/hurt after being betrayed #making a conscious decision to comfort Bruce in gotham war after Bruce fucked him up and left him behind #having undying conern for Bruce's wellbeing while Bruce regularly endangers his life #ex. Bruce's weird habit of committing vehicular assault on Jason whenever they're on the road demonstrated both in tfz and gotham war #point being: Jason was much more psychologically fit to be defiant towards Bruce when he was robin compared to now #he's more of a “good son”™ now than he was as robin Bruce is just too used to thinking whatever he wants and never being satisfied #the only times Jason got mad/upset at Bruce during one issue and continued to stay mad until the next #other than lost days and utrh was batman 410-411 and early in aditf before Bruce helps Jason find Sheila #so much worse has happened since then and all that just magically became water under the bridge off-panel

[transmechanicus]

Brb crying on this friday night

#my stuff #my ex texted me they’re having a rough time but they refuse to let me help #i feel so thoroughly useless to them and i feel like they should/will give me up as a friend if i’m not useful #like if we’re really friends like i think we are LET ME DO SOMETHING TO SUPPORT YOU #i’m actively offering to help and they refuse every time and it hurts bc i know they’re struggling and if we were partners still they would #they would let me support them like they deserve #i know at least some of what they’re struggling with is beyond my control but there’s a non-zero chance part of why they’re upset is me #in the sense that they’re struggling to navigate our friendship after they broke up with me #and i don’t want that to be a source of stress if so. i’ve offered to provide any and all reassurances that might help them #but they’ve said they don’t need to hear anything and need to work it out on their own #how’s uhhh how’s that going for you champ?? #they need support and i’m willing to give it but they won’t admit it even at cost #so i just get to sit here and hope they’ll be ok. and that i’m not making it worse in some way i can’t see #Spotify

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

the reason i’m not afraid of aging is because i want to be a hot middle-aged man who has a toxic yaoi relationship with another middle-aged man

#u know i used to be so afraid of aging until i realized that i want to be a dilf. now it’s kinda exciting #i realized recently that i could never picture myself living past my twenties until i pictured myself as a man #but like. i want to be a man and a woman and nothing and everything #but like. i’m cool with how i look now for the most part idk if i would want to transition physically at least not rn #and rn i still dress fem enough that everyone goes straight to she/her #and i like she/her but it hurts rn #bc some of my family has switched to they/them or it/its and it’s just so soothing #but family that knows i don’t like it still use she/her and phrases like ‘daughter’ or whatever even more often on purpose #and it hurts bc i don’t really feel the need to change the way i dress/look but i know everyone assumes she/her #when they see me in a dress or skirt. even w how very not-cis my fashion sense is #but also i fucking hate pants which is a separate thing (prob autism tbh) and even if i wore pants they’d still use she/her #thinking of changing my name to something very masc so i can confuse people enough that they’ll stop defaulting to she/her #and i haven’t told ppl outside my immediate family so idc if they use she/her but i’m fucking pissed when ppl in the family do it #anyways side note when i was 12 my ideal gender (b4 i knew about being non-cis) was a floating consciousness w no body #or a plastic-doll-like creation that’s smooth all over #… i still want to be a floating consciousness actually lmao. it would be great #back then i hated being a girl but i didn’t know there were more options and also i was socially isolated (didn’t leave home for like 2yrs) #and my mother was openly transphobic whenever the topic was brought up so that was my only real experience #but i didn’t really internalize it other than the fact that my mother would be rude if i ever happened to be not-cis and guess what? she is #anyways it’s like 2am and also i’m only awake bc i was captivated by a sugar daddy middle aged gay fic for a show i watched like 5 episodes #for 2 years ago #sorry for rambling in the middle of the night lol #gn y’all

[lee-kangin]

was walking down the street today and someone wanted to collect donations for something and they addressed me with a “hi girl!” and i wanted to crawl into a hole and die :-(

#ah it’s not their fault i don’t pass but it still hurt very suddenly #i get addressed as mädel soooo much esp if i’m out w friends who are girls #that’s just how germans are they’ll go ‘hi mädels’ or ‘seid ihr bereit zu bestellen mädels’ or whatever #but man :( it made me sad i couldn’t rly get myself out of the funk as i usually can #which upsets me bc every time i think i’ve made my peace w it i realise i haven’t 🥲 #i’m still a bit fucked up by it since now it’s making me think abt my family and whatnot ugh #sorry for rambling

[must4rds33d]

alright. i’m about to explain my reasons as to why i’ve been completely off-grid to people who have done nothing but be kind and understanding to me

#online diary #the more i stall the more it hurts me!! and the more it hurts them!! #shame is the predominant feeling. it’s what’s keeping me from opening up #fear comes second. i keep thinking what their reaction would be… well guess what #IT’S NOT WITHIN MY CONTROLLLL those are THEIR feelings not mine #i have to allow them to feel. whatever that may be. #plus i dug a hole so deep now i deem it necessary to tell my friends about my autism 👍🏻 #i also jsut. don’t want to hurt. my monkey brain has this survival instinct to avoid hardcore pain #unless it’s uhh self-inflicted i guess LMAOOOOO #how do i tell them it’s autistic burnout without sounding like an ass #bc i feel like if i told them they’ll call it complete bull. but it is what it is!!! #okay yeah i’ll figure it out along the way. for now i’ll be brave

[coachbeards]

wild thing abt that clip is that when his hallucinations say that he doesn’t accept the love and support of the people around him, beard actually looks around

#now I obviously have a lot of thoughts abt this lmaoooo #because beard DIDNT WANT TO FIGHT. he tried to get away! he tried to dissuade james into letting him leave #he tried to open that escape door and get out of there #but his brain is trying to convince him he actually wanted this. when it’s shown he didn’t. #sure he tried to escape but he actually wanted to get hurt. yes whenever he asks for help it’s denied but it’s his fault for not accepting #the love and support. the support he struggles to see #it’s also interesting to note when beard cuts off his hallucinations with telling them to shut up #bc he lets them talk. he lets them say those things but there’s a line they’ll cross that’ll get him to actually try to silence them #he lets them talk in his flat but then they say I Hate Coach Bearr #(his brain telling him that) #in bones and honey he lets them talk but then when they say he’d need a pep talk to k*ll himself THATS when he shuts them up #and here? thierry says. im beginning to think Coach beard hates himself #like he lets them talk until there’s ONE line that’s a breaking point

[mirsvintagesonytv]

This may be controversial but I Genuinely wish people would stop being all arrogant and patronising Abt organ donation.

Like people talking abt organ donation to me is the equivalent of those virtue signalling posts on tiktok that’s like “if you don’t do this you’re a shit human being and don’t deserve genuine love or care” cuz yeah organ donation is important but so is respecting people’s wishes who don’t feel comfortable doing it. For example if your religion doesn’t allow it. Me personally I’m not opposed to organ donation but I don’t want to sign up (I live in a country where I’m automatically assumed an organ donor unless I opt out anyways) because I have such bad anxiety if I think about it I will have a panic attack. And I struggle rlly bad w intrusive thoughts and one occurring one is Abt having my organs removed so I just hate thinking about it bc it’s genuinely really distressing for me. Like the thought of having my organs taken is just so panic inducing and awful for me to think about because it reminds me of how I’m going to die one day and I’m actually terrified of that so xxxxx and whenever I try to explain this to people when I say I���m not an organ donor (haven’t got a card that u get when u sign up) it’s like “WHY NOT??!?!?!?” “YOULL BE DEAD YOU WONT NEED THEM!!!” “WHY ARE YOU SUCH A SHIT PERSON DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT OTHERS IN NEED????” Like no. Just let me explain for two secs and stop being an asshole !!! I just think that it’s stupid cuz I think that even if it’s not for religious reasons we should still respect the wishes of the dead. If I say I don’t want to donate I don’t want to and I have a valid reason and that should be respected. I get that organ donation is struggling bc of aging population but you don’t have to make me feel guilty about my genuine fears and anxieties because you want to make yourself look better. Cuz these people don’t care they just wanna make themselves seem better than you most of the time. And they just scream at you and it’s really upsetting.

#more in tags #like there’s ways to get people to donate but publicly shaming and humiliating them is not it #and it just hurts as a mentally ill person to be hounded over things that genuinely make my illness worse #bc god forbid I want to stay stable and not have a breakdown #plus I’m also disabled like it’s good I’m not an organ donor bc babes none of this is working for me #so why would it work for anyone else #organ donation is a privilege and I feel as well that I’m not heard out as a disabled person when I try to explain #that hey I am self aware enough to know that my organs wouldn’t be of use to anyone once I die bc they’ll probably be the reason I do #plus I can still donate in other ways #like I’m all for donating blood or plasma and to help where I can and feel comfortable doing so #but forcing people to do something bc YOU think it’s best without even considering personal nuance is stupid and I hate it #organ donation #organ donor #personal #mirs thoughts #mir screams #vent #vent post #mental illness #mental health #blood donation #blood donor #plasma #hospital #blood drive #healthcare

[reikunrei]

sleepy bc I accidentally stayed up late monologuing to myself about how free! really should have ended for the nth time 🥴

#imagine haru saying what he said to rin at the end of fs1 right. the ‘you always run away’ or w/e #and he’s angry but also upset w himself for saying it when he doesn’t REALLY mean it #and now he’s afraid he’s going to hurt his other friends so he secluded himself and throws himself into swimming #but his body is still shutting down! and albert is the one to say something #he says how he admired haru’s swimming. how the water favored him. but now something’s different. something’s wrong #and he says something that gets haru to listen. maybe haru’s a little stubborn and is like ‘stay out of this’ but it still gets #under his skin. so either he just goes to iwatobi or azuma tells him to #and he wanders around reliving memories. but they’re sort of staled now. he feels like he has no emotions. it’s like the start of s1 again #then he goes to their time capsule. and he digs it up. and inside are all their letters and the footage we saw of all his friends at the #beginning of fs1 on a dvd or thumb drive or smthn #he takes it home to his empty iwatobi house and plays it #at this point he is thinking about quitting. but then HE would be the one running away. and that fight with rin stings even more #and he doesn’t want to let his friends down. not when almost all of them are swimming Because of him #he’s so scared they’ll hate him or br angry. he wants to quit but he feels like he can’t bc who is he without swimming? #but then he watches the videos. and it mentions swimming sure. but he realizes all of his friends love him for HIM #and he can go back to tokyo and tell them everything he’s been thinking. about how he’s gonna quit. bc he just can’t do it #and of course they all support it. makoto does right out the gate. as does nagisa. rei cries a little bit he’d rather haru be happy #very similar to his choice in s1. he’s sad he can’t swim with haru. but he understood that the friendship comes first #and rin is maybe pissed. but you know he can’t be pissed for long. and he apologizes for putting haru on a pedestal #and then haru’s like well… I have to swim one final relay. so they sneak in and explain to the teammates at the last second and swap places #(none of that talking to the coach shit. I want them to commit crimes like they did in s1) #and they don’t care about winning they don’t care what the results are. they just want to see one final sight. share one final swim together #and it makes haru strong. but he’s accepted that competitive swimming isn’t for him. and he quits happily #maybe becomes a coach of sorts alongside makoto #anyway. stayed up late thinking abt it and now I’m in bed late writing it out #I did Not mean to do it it just Possesses me #i say things

[kendallroygf]

the thing is. yeah kendall feels like his whole life now is worth nothing. the one thing he was always meant to do, since he was seven years old he now cannot do. he will never get to do it. so he might as well die, right? he might as well end it all but the thing is life is never that kind nor generous. so i think kendall will try and fail. and he’ll try again and again but the world will keep its grip on him and eventually he’ll just stop trying. and yeah maybe he’ll never be a whole person (we’re nothing) maybe he’ll take logan’s advice and collect sports cars or write a book or start a new company but either way he’ll be forced to start anew. kendall logan roy died it’s just kendall now. and this outcome in itself is generous in a way because circumstances out of his control have kind of forced him to hold some accountability for his own life finally instead of counting on broken promises his father made him at 7 years old. he’s actually being forced to Be instead of just living up to someone else’s name. and he actually has people around him who still undoubtedly care. he’s sick and horrible and twisted but he is still ultimately lovable. he is still a human being weeping on the dirty ground even though he has spent so long trying not to be. even though he recanted the very thing that made him Real. the world will simply not relinquish its hold on him! tragic but somewhat hopeful in a way

#like he’s never going to be happy. never ever. but being content or even ambivalent to your life is different than being happy and i truly #think kendall could get there at some point. something about the world forcing you to go on. i like how his last scene was surrounded by #earth and water. things that are Materially Real compared to kendall himself who is Not Real. like i think while some things can’t be #repaired it’s not too late for him to be a little bit involved in his kids lives. maybe a few years down the line. rava still cares about #him and offers him so much kindness even when she shouldn’t. he will have stewy forever like. stewy will love him forever. give roman a few #months. ultimately i think roman will push kendall away at first bc he spent this whole season maintaining his family out of Necessity and #i think kendall and roman have got to a place where it’s a bit sick. and roman will come around but he needs some time and so does kendall. #but ultimately they’ll be okay. #with shiv it’s like. well. god. like kendall will never ever be able to look tom in the eye ever. but i think they will not talk for years #maybe. but they’ll ache for each other a little bit. but also the resent and anger and hurt gets in the way. but i think give it like. 10 #years or idk maybe even less but 10 seems good to me. and they’ll slowly start to let each other in again. i think the three of them will #grow old together like ultimately they’ll always be kids when they’re with each other ykwim. #but idk i think kenshiv will be okay in the end jus rn it’s bleak asf. i think at different times in the next few years they will Try with #each other but the other will be so resistant but there will be a time where they’re just both so Tired and when tom dies shiv will call #kendall first even though they maybe haven’t spoken for god knows how long and he will be with her on the phone. and when connor passes away #they will hold hands again and idk. they’ll be okay. broken but okay. #anyway. i’m so over this <- girl who will never ever be over it #kendall

[boyghcst]

it feels mean when u realise tht certain ppl just aren’t adding anything positive to ur life, n tht they just make u feel anxious, on edge, confused and under appreciated… but i feel like im starting to listen to my gut to whose presence makes me feel safe, heard, loved and appreciated

#i don’t rlly wanna be friends w ppl who make me feel needy and annoying and unloved #not saying tht i should rely on others to make me feel happy or whatever #but there are ppl in my life where i don’t feel this uncertainty and discomfort #one of the friends deeply hurt my feelings and I cut them out for a while and then we became ‘friends’ again #bc i did miss having them in my life and it was v intense #but i also feel like im not rlly interested in being close w them anymore #like tht hurt never went away #n now i don’t rlly feel like i rlly care abt them tbh #despite the fact we’re supposed to be friends #i think i lost respect and compassion for them lol i don’t view them the same way as i used to #and the other friend were not close to begin w they’re friends w the friend i fell out w #but they make me feel anxious and don’t seem interested in acc being friends w me #but message my friend tht i introduced to them a lot so idk #they kinda give fake energy tbh and i don’t rlly feel comfortable being around them #which is fine bc we don’t hang out anyway lmao #but sometimes they’ll pop up on stories ive posted #n i feel like i just gotta fake it #i cba communicating it bc it always leads to conflict #so im probs just gonna let it drift #i do feel like i have a habit of wanting to cut friends out tho #bc i feel 50/50 w ppl a lot #some ppl i feel a safe connection w #others leave me feeling confused and on edge #so i think my gut is tryna tell me tht im just not comfortable #and when i spoke to a therapist ages ago abt this they told me to listen to my gut and be wary of who I’m friends w #but bc i also have abandonment issues etc I never know whether I’m being too sensitive and my trauma is driving the wheel #or whether deep down this is how i feel #it’s hard to trust ur gut when ur traumatised bc it can be rlly wrong #journal

[lifesver]

i think about nosy/dusk type verses and like… leland is so capable of taking the pain, of being strong for other people, of protecting those he loves and putting his feelings aside to do that. he can shut it all down and do what he has to do or suffer what he has to suffer. but getting played with psychologically, in solitude? or ever leveraging his loved ones against him? he is easy to break. and at his core he’s a bleeding heart, heart on his sleeve, heart an open book. it’s so easy to find his weakness and dig at him there. that’s just how he is, open and earnest in his emotions for better or for worse. he’s bad at hiding anything, he tears up easily. when something hurts him it pangs across his face so visibly. he’s strong!!! but he’s soft. i think abt this a lot

#nosy like… johnny leverages maria and leland against each other to see what they’ll do…and leland submits in the end only bc #maria doesn’t want to see him get hurt anymore and he doesn’t want to make her sad (‘: #dusk is worse bc he’s alone. it’s just looking in a mirror all the time and seeing all the awful things you’re capable of #and part of being so soft-hearted and … loyal like a dog… is just that he ends up folding for gentleness of any kind after a while #i think i talk abt this a lot but like Well

[thedeadthree]

🌸💕

I FEEL OKAY !!!!!!!!! I FEEL FINE ! REALLY!!!!!! THE HUG SCENE HAD NO EFFECT ON ME IM NOT CRYING!

#leg plays bg3 #bg3 spoilers #leg.txt #crying on the floor!! and crying on the floor bc i fixed the save shenanigans!!!!!!! yay! #godd okay the scene i almost feel like in the case of yana was that she didn’t want him to hear her thoughts skjzjzhz #how she’s morning someone she doesn’t remember no one in particular hehe <3 so she chose to hug him instead !! #i yelled about it in twt but I found a mod where you can wear g*ortashs gauntlet and it gave me THOUGHTS !! #and i thought what if he made one for yana (it’s more decoration than functional but yk !!!!) and the BRAINWORMS I GOT FROM THAT #the thought she is the way she is with ast is things she instinctively remembers from him and its SO #even the unhinged can be soft and mourn lovers they don’t recall bc I SAID SO!!!!!!! she has range!! #oc: anasyana an enaviryn #ITLL hurt like NO ONES BUSINESS when i save to write the scene where their tryst comes to an end RAHH #did it mean anything was it just her imitating what she had with someone else to bring back a semblance of what she lost WHAT WAS IT 🥀😵‍💫 #i mean either way they’ll both walk away better and worse for it in the end so!! #but i mean i think he is resigned to that their history was something he knew would be an undertaking to keep up with ✨😭🥀 #(though his resignation won’t last long as it’s the one where he ascends so it’s fight night at wyrms for yanas hand or something 🥀😵‍💫) #(i mean it’s not like THAT that ofc but the besties get it <3) #not to worry vampire pookie you’ll get the sweetest romance ever with sarspira JUST U WAIT MY LOVE!! #oh i cant wait for her playthrough RAHH i am so excited it’s the one i have planned where sarspira’ll resist her urge ill be EMOTIONAL #in that one scene especially where yk he sits with them the whole night while they’re tied trying to zero them GAHH

[starlooove]

And my entire thing is let’s say she’s lying, let’s say she recorded that vid crying and saying what happened while that group of men didn’t say shit to dispute it. Let’s say that the two men who said they saw it happen were lying. Let’s say she got a fucked up allergic reaction and faked the hospital visit and report. Let’s say she’s an evil mastermind who had this all in the works for weeks.

I STILL believe in everything I said and the discourse around it because the REASONS y’all had to do this are pure misogynoir. It reminds me of when Jussie Smollet was found out but the convo continued bc it wasn’t just the isolated incident, in order to discredit him so many people ran to racism and racist talking points. It wasn’t just “I don’t believe him,” it was “what did he say that made him attack him,” it was “hate crimes don’t happen anymore,” it was “he’s rich and lightskinned and they don’t face racism.” And THATS what’s making my ass itch about this.

It’s not “I don’t believe her,” it’s “a man wouldn’t hit a woman for no reason” or “I don’t owe a random woman on the street anything,” or “this is karma because of those skit videos.” Like if she lied, whatever she lied, but if someone tomorrow said the same shit I’d believe her bc God knows y’all are looking for a reason not to and if it turns out to be true y’all won’t believe her anyways (the way most of y’all STILL think Tory is innocent.)

#no bc let’s talk about it #when black men lie we take it on the chin and still stand up for the next one #when black women #not even lie but are INCONSISTENT with our trauma #they dump us and move on to the next one #I’m so sick of it #and if she lied they won’t reflect and wonder ‘why did I think she lied before any info came out?’ #‘why was the original vid of her crying and asking for Justice enough to sway me away from her side’ #they’ll just use it to hurt us more #not even knowing that this rhetoric is what’s gonna be turned on them by the white people they’re in community with #this blows

[nightly-ruse]

I think I may be a little odd

#I’ve been thinking about like everything/neg/pos/breakdown inducing #and I think I’m mentally I’ll #like yeah no shit but also it’s very clear #I literally got out of breath the other day talking about wolves and Yellowstone bc I was talking so fast about them #also have very wild mood swings paired with abandonment issues constant shame for ppl caring about me and trauam over friendships bc #so many have gone wrong and I’ve been forever changed or abandoned (both in one case) #I mean I met this girl at a school meet and she just reminded me of a person who hurt me. they had the same same mannerisms looked similar #besides the hair and I had a full panic attack. I feel bad about that she probably was really nice #or how I feel sick just thinking about the local park bc it’s where I was forced to hang out with a ex friend that wrecked me #such a mixing bowl of bad traits #I can focus I can’t remember I’m either too lazy or too hyper to stay still I can’t regulate tone well and scare myself constantly just by #talking. relationships always end in a burning bridge even when they were so good bc I get so paranoid and scared they’ll leave that I leave #myself. jumping to crazy conclusions to the point I start hallucinating due to stress #I mean how do I even explain to my therapist that my only good friends ended with me skipping school the last days bc I thought one died. #she actually just left school early. #that one I kinda get even tho it’s fucking nuts bc tjat year has mentally burned me so goddamn much but still #and even tho I’ve kinda had a constant itch that something completely explains why I’m this way but am too scared to bring it up bc of #change and trauma related to bringing up my own mental health #I don’t even know what thsi is anymore sorry #should just shut up and sleep #I’ll be fine by morning anyways so what does it even fucking matter #ruse rambles #vent tag