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eirian · 3 months

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yall ready for a gender journey post..

so yall could probably guess i grew up a cis girl. i didnt start questioning my gender until high school after i broke up with my first boyfriend which kind of freed me up to explore my identity as my own person for the first time. around age like 16 was when i first started identifying as trans, and at the time that meant a binary trans guy

after a couple years of getting comfortable exploring my gender i decided hey maybe im actually not a binary trans guy but instead nonbinary. still transmasc and guy leaning but not quite all the way anymore. this became a trend for the next loooong while, getting closer to the androgynous part of the spectrum as time went on

then in recent years (maybe about 5 years ago ish) i started to lean more towards femininity. this is significant for me because growing up i was always opposed to it--i hated wearing dresses, i hated putting on makeup, anything "girly" appalled me and i didnt know why. i ended up thinking its because i WASNT a girl, and thats why i was so uncomfortable with everything to do with being a girl. i rejected it so hard because it just wasnt me.

after living with eden for a while i got even more comfortable exploring the feminine part of myself. i started wearing dresses and skirts and actually ENJOYED it; i started painting my nails and wearing earrings again; i even grew my hair out to my shoulderblades (yeah thats where its at now LOL). ive even started using she/her alongside they/them. and im actually enjoying these things??? it feels like after all these years im finally able to reclaim them because i feel like im finally able to be comfortable with my gender--how my gender feels to ME, not to everyone else.

that was the problem when i was growing up--i was trapped in everyone else's perception of my gender and what it "should" be. i was trapped into a box that was made by everyone else's idea of what i SHOULD look like, what i SHOULD wear, what i SHOULD act like, etc. and it took me until age 26 to fully realize that my gender is what i want it to be, not what everyone else wants.

i dont have to be a guy to want facial hair and a flat chest and a low voice. loving pink and dresses and cute things and makeup and jewelry doesnt inherently mean im a girl. pronouns, features, clothes, even names dont inherently mean youre one gender or another. your gender is defined by you and only you and nobody should be able to put you into a box and define your gender for you.

..having said all this, im starting to explore my gender further, and im slowly coming to the POSSIBLE conclusion that i might come back around to being cis (albeit gnc). nothing would really change about me except the label tbh. if i do end up coming to that conclusion i will be very bummed about leaving the trans community, but i wont feel any less attached to it, as ive spent literally half my life as part of it. i understand what its like to be trans and to love myself as my most authentic self, and thats why im considering this possiblity!

identifying as a lesbian kind of pushed me in this direction as well--i cant remember the last time i felt truly comfortable and happy with a label regarding my orientation.. like ya damn. maybe i am a girl who likes girls LOL. it just feels right and natural for me personally??? its crazy. i love women. if youre a woman i love you no matter the flavor. i love my wife more than all of you though sorry <3

but god please dont take this as me being like "oh trans people just need to get comfortable with their gender and theyll realize theyre cis" that is a bullshit take and i am not saying that. this is strictly my own experience and journey! i am 100% not speaking for every trans person and you shouldnt either.

but ya. dan cis era???? we'll see. no official statement just yet but i just wanted to let yall know where im at in my ~gender journey~. until i confirm anything please still view me as a nonbinary girlthing! <3

#i have to reiterate i am KEEPING the name dan saiyan. and my facial hair and deep voice #like i said. these things do not mean anything irt my gender. they are just part of me #if i say im a cis woman and i have facial hair and the name dan then thats what cis looks like for me <3 #i honestly feel free as hell. im defining my gender for myself now and its the most powerful feeling in the world

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vaguely-yandere · 2 years

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reading your (amazing) writings got me thinking about like, a fuckboy/playboy(? im sorry idk the gn word for this? slut maybe lmao?) yandere who’s rich, doesn’t even need to study, always gets to any party where they can get some action. they never had a romantic relationship before bc they thought it was just stupid and unnecessary foreplay. basically everyone is either horny for them or hate them.

so imagine their surprise when they see their (future) darling staring at them while they were talking to their friends. yan thinks they’re cute enough and talks to them, starts flirting their darling up and when they ask what darling finds attractive about them they start listing things like “your smile, its really pretty” or “you’re so smart, and you’re fun to be around” instead of something about how their body looks sexy or some shit they always get instead.

this leads to confusion, because someone never acted like this for yan before. how were they supposed to react? that moment was when their heart truly skipped a beat because of someones words, their darlings words felt so warm and genuine it made them shiver.

id also like to think theyd have a huuuuugeeee ego, also really possessive. but once they get close to their darling or just see them they turn into a golden retriever type, ready to do anything and everything, kill anyone and everyone for you.

sorry if its not comprehensive its 3 am, i dont have my glasses on and im just really excited after reading ur writings 🧍‍♂️

broski. i love this.

just an absolute player (i think???) of a yandere and uber rich (LOVE yanderes with money) and a massive slut

one night stands every night, always getting their ego stroked, always sexualizing themselves and others and then they meet... you <3 you compliment their smile, their laugh, the things they say, everything and it makes them completely fall for you and when you refuse to have sex with them because theyre obviously drunk and well, you're an ethical person, that just makes them want you more.

finding you is easy, throw enough money at a problem and itll solve itself. and being a rich socialite is hard and they completely lack in the 'social' part so they just.. show up. work, school, where ever and follow you around, questioning you and if anyone makes you do something, the brattiness comes out.

"y/n! you were suppose to finish this ages ago! would you please stop talking to your friend and get to work on this? c'mon! we can't keep letting you slack off!"

"ah, sorr-"

"no, no, who is this? who are you? you know what, i dont care, you are no longer important to me, leave." they make a shooing motion, turning back to you with a smile. "you wanna go shopping? have lunch? travel? anything you want, its on m-"

"hey! you cant just ignore me! im gonna have to ask you to le-"

the yandere turns around, standing at their full height to properly glare at your boss/teacher. "cut me off again and i will cut out your tongue." they snap their fingers, summoning the person thats always following them around. "escort whoever the fuck this is out, im talking to someone and theyre being a bitch."

as the curses and yells of your boss/teacher rapidly fade, the yandere turns back to you, grinning. "so! did you decide yet?"

ohhh, i hope you love getting spoiled because this socialite will do it constantly. food, jewelry, perfume, clothes, companies, electronics, anything you want? its yours as long as you keep giggling when they say stupid shit.

and just imagine how cute they look when they see you! beaming, glowing with love, desperately trying to impress you all of the time, just so so cute! and if you praise them, i can already see them struggling to hide their moans of pleasure and spend the rest of the day on cloud nine

if you work, theyll get you fired so you can spend all your time with them. if you go to school, theyll get enrolled to or enroll you in online classes and you will rarely spend a moment without them at your side, willing to do absolutely anything for you.

now, i dont think this yandere would be possessive like others! they demand others to praise you, to compliment you, acknowledge you constantly and appreciate your beauty but one wrong comment and theyre tied up in a guest house, being hunted like a drugged up tiger. they post pictures of you near constantly, showing off how amazing you are, forcing everyone to basically bow to your feet and yeah, they get a bit culty with it sometimes but hey! it could be worse!

#socialite yandere #yandere x y/n #asks #yandere #yandere scenarios #yandere imagines #yandere x you

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loiswasadevil · 8 months

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This is my last straw I've been getting non stop asks from Smoleggon and his gang They just want to be my Catalyst by accusing me of having sex with my late brother and By being a pedophile all because I want to unite Family Guy fans. SMOLEGGON I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH MY BROTHER AND I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE EITHER I DONT TALK TO ANYBODY OR HAVE ANY FRIENDS FOR A REASON. Everybody just wants to fuck with me and Laugh at me like I'm just some kind of fucking joke and I can't take it The only people who pretend to like me Only do it because they think it's funny when I hurt. I'm not a fucking joke I'm a Person I'm a living breathing Person with feelings and I am Effected by the things you say like when you tell me I am why my Brother died as if I don't think about that Every day and telling me I had Sex with my brother and telling me I'm a pedophile because Minors following me telling me I have to keep a tab on every single one of my followers it's so fucking stressful. SO SMOLEGGON AND HIS GANG NEEDS TO STOP SENDING ME THIS BULLSHIT TRYING TO BE MY CATALYST. I would never have sex with my brother that is Disgusting I have no interest in Anybody at all romantically or sexually EXCEPT PETER BECAUSE HE IS MY HUSBAND. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP. IM SICK OF YOU PERVERTS MAKING ME THINK ABOUT THIS DISGUSTING VILE THINGS I DON'T LIKE THIS. I DONT LIKE THIS I DONT LIKE BEING TALKED TO LIKE THIS I'M TIRED OF MY DEVIL HEART UNLOCKING BECAUSE OF DISGUSTING SHIT PEOPLE SEND INTO MY INBOX. CONSTANT DEATH THREATS FROM SMOLEGGON AND HIS GANG IN MY INBOX TELLING ME THEYLL FIND WHERE I LIVE AND HURT ME. I don't want to hurt anymore I'm so tired of my Devil's Heart. I wish I could be Normal like every body else but I'll just be Alone forever that's what connects me and Lois is nobody Understands her not even Peter the love of her life truly Understands how she feels inside and no matter how Many people she surrounds herself with she Will always be alone that's why I don't surround myself with Anybody anymore I tried with Joe and Bonnie but they were Fakers who pretended to be my friend Because they thought it was funny to make me hurt I try to keep Brian around but He never talks to me anymore I don't think he Cares about me I don't think he's faking like Bonnie and Joe but I do think he does not want to talk to me or watch cartoons like Family Guy and American Dad with me anymore even though he used to and Meg doesn't talk to me very often I'm glad when she does but we're not close she's just a Family Guy kin although I'm happy to have her around the only person who was ever close to me was Caleb and he was constantly my Catalyst just like Peter to Lois. But I miss Caleb I really do because even when he was Ignoring me I felt like I had somebody to talk to but now I'm Alone and after this slander Campaign by Smoleggon I'm scared that people will Believe these Lies they are obsessed with spreading because they're Obsessed with me. I just want to unite all Family Guy fans and I don't understand why I get this kind of hate I didn't do anything wrong no matter what Platform I go on I get hate even in real life when it was just me and Jonas I would get constant Hate from my Mom and Dad because of Family Guy they would beat me within an inch of my life because of Family Guy I would lay on my bedroom floor bleeding and crying and Jonas was the only one who was there for me and he would wash my Wounds and sing me the Family Guy theme song to calm me down I miss Jonas and I do feel like it's my fault he died because if I wasn't obsessed with Family Guy he would've moved on and we wouldn't have to Run Away to talk about Family Guy and play Family Guy outside or get sent to the Tent. Smoleggon when you send me asks about my brother and about being a horrible person it really effects me. I know you think it's funny to be my Catalyst but it Hurts. So I hope you see this post and realize I'm not that different from you and I hope you can sympathize and tell your minions to leave me alone and please Move on.

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fatmaclover · 7 hours

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12, the whole gang. would love to hear every head canon you have tbh!!

oh gosh thats gonna be a lot. im gonna be excluding anything that would make this blog more personal or less tame than i want it to be but you really arent missing much there

well. first and foremost UNFORTUNATELY its a hc that im a joyce kelly truther. shes so unbelievably transfem to me at this point its hard to see her as much else. genuinely forget its not canon sometimes. oops

i also must say all of @pariskim's joyceverse tag is canon in my mind and i really recommend you go through it even if you dont see joyce the same way i do, genuinely some of my favorite fan content to consume period. yes i am also sending you over there to become a joyce truther. go.

honestly if mac and dennis could be responsible pet owners (theyll never be.) i think theyd LOVE having a snake. i know theyd go for a ball python because theyre more stereotypically "snake" than some other pet trade species, but frankly i think theyd do best with a hognose. theyre pretty social (with humans. dont keep hognoses together in a tank) idiots with huge attitude and they look god damn adorable. hognoses would also be great for them because they tend to be more food motivated! its also good for snakes to just take them out and like. set them on your bed n just chill or talk with em for an hour or so. thatd be great for mac.

i personally think that mac will only hook up with you as a fellow man if you a) can pass as older than him or b) look like dennis. yeag i think he, consciously or not, goes for people that have similar traits to dennis, physically or personality wise. if dennis let himself accept that he cares a bit too much about who mac is dating, that little fact would single-handedly make macdennis canon. dennis would tell mac to just date him if he wanted to date him so badly

not entirely a headcanon but i imagine almost all of the gang besides maybe frank has methods for getting dennis to regulate his diet a bit more instead of eating like 1 meal a day. i think mac can get dennis to eat or drink just about anything by just giving it to him in conversation. he'll just let dennis talk his ear off and continually hand him chips or fruit or even drinks or nearly any drug at all. having a small bite or drink or hit during conversation is such a reinforced habit that its natural to the both of them now.

i think dee does it by purposefully playing into her status of being "below" dennis. she'll complain about being too weak to open a peanut shell or something and he'll snatch it and do it to prove hes better and out of habit maybe has a little bite. though i imagine if theyre inebriated in any way its as easy as genuinely just feeding it to him. dennis will never admit it, because he hates his sister, but he trusts her.

joyce i think can get dennis to eat just by getting alone with him. she provides a bubble of decompression and a lack of worry for him. its also insanely easy for her to just offer dennis a huff of whatever inhalant shes been having fun with that day and i imagine that makes things easier as well

i think you could pretty easily get mac into nerd shit. just have some pretty boy be a little nerdy. get him to watch star trek itd be life changing for him even if i think a good amount of it would fly over his head at times. ttrpgs and roleplaying in general i think would be big for him

also bringing back my hc of him joining the philadelphia gay mens chorus ohhhhhh my god i need him to sing more i need him to embrace his love of singing

unngh thats not all of em but i my brains starting to lag a bit here. ill happily rb this post with more and make it a sorta masterpost for hcs eventually

#kats iasip hc post #for the people trying to avoid spoilers dont look at the joyceverse stuff but this post doesnt actually contain any spoilers so im not #gonna tag it as such. but be warned #iasip

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punkbxt · 10 months

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dime the takes. por favor.

*gets real close to the vending machine* quiero pepsi

okay all seriousness tho imma try to do this in a way thats like idk semi respectful towards janeway but i also need yall to know i do NOT reallyf fuck with her. idk if ive explained why before but i guess here we go

unlike most people that enjoy star trek i didnt really get into it till 2018 and then the demmy hit n i had nothing but time to consume every star trek imaginable and thats how i found voyager. yeah sure make fun of me for not knowing what star trek is but i need YALL to know that it is white and usamerican culture to be raised on trek and I DONT CARE. the only reason i got into star trek is bc a white friend introduced me. all this to say i was introduced to janeways actress through oitnb red ilu so much red best evil white lady <3

anyways i know janeway gets hate for having been the only lady captain and i always preface anything i say about her with this so yall understand that this is not the reason i dislike her but in reality it doesnt help either

also its tiring as fuck to include my opposing argument but it has to be done bc ppl are like “what about- pkay but you didnt consider how- yeah but- actually youre wrong bc-“ like fuck man im doing my damndest i literally hate voicing my opinions bc yall INSIST people of color dont actually get it n its tiring

if youve followed me since i started voyagerposting you may have noticed ive only actually drawn janeway twice and its cuz as a person she rubs me the wrong way for so many reasons

janeway gets put in this impossible position of being the top of the hierarchy pyramid to a crew that doesnt think theyll ever make it home again. shes deemed a mother figure by a LOT of characters but im gonna talk abt her dynamics with b’elanna, and seven because if i were to talk about the dynamics between janeway and harry thatd have to be its own post

when i get into a show, i loooveeee knowing what was happening behind the scenes because i love it!! i love set design i love character design i love costume design i love seeing what the actors are like outside of the show and how they feel about these characters bc these things ARE important. (writers too pero i have beef) behind the scenes is the biggest influence to the final product bc its the reason the final product exists in the first place and behind the scenes so many things went wrong. and when actors are mistreated or dont get along with eachother it becomes pretty apparent. well at least if you analyze things the way i do

so heres my issue with janeway seven and b’elanna. b’elanna is typecast to be the ugly character. klingons gave always gotten the short end of the stick and the case with her isnt as harsh bc her actress is a mixed puerto rican (information that has actually only recently been revealed bc when i tried to find out what roxan’s ethnicity was in 2019 i literally could not find anything definitive except for shes latina) but she STILL gets a lot of shit

one of my favorite things about voyager before the introduction of seven was how b’elanna and janeway actually got to bond a lot over science and when seven took on the roll of pretty girl on the ship, b’elanna and janeway suffered a LOT for it. we have an interesting dynamic between a maquis engineer and a federation captain genuinely not getting along bc b’elanna doesnt see janeways as an authority figure. not until chakotay has something to say about it and also until b’elanna and janeway actually talk about shit n get over their differences. the issue is when ppl purposely skip the earlier seasons to get to seven and then a lot of important interpersonal character building is missed I SAY THIS BC PEOPLE OFTEN FORGET THAT VOYAGER HAS BEEN ASSIMILATED BY THE BORG BEFORE AND EVEN THE WRITERS LET IT SLIP THEUR MIND N ITS LIKE BRO U HAVE GOLD TO WRITE WITH N U JUST LET IT COLLECT IN THE CORNER

seven is a unique and interesting character when she is first introduced. seven looks like any other borg and is so COOL. and then immediately all the cool interesting things about the way seven looks is basically negated to a few shiny parts. and yes janeway is partly to blame

BUT! what is the easiest way to gain the trust of people who already have bad history with who you once were? assimilation of course! seven goes from being one of many to the outcasts outcast

but punkbxt! what does any of this have to do with why you dislike janeway as a character? if anything it sounds more like you dislike seven. as long as the character is white ill always hold a lil disdain for them in my heart <3

janeway symbolizes the best of starfleet. she is an accredited officer and an extremely capable scientist. she is a beautiful white woman in THE position of power something that was revolutionary for her time. the issues with white women being put in positions of power is they they have NEVER had the interests of black and brown people to heart. “yes they-“ SHUT UP and let me speak before you decide to comment on this goddamn post

feminism throughout the centuries has focused on white women and while a show is merely a fraction of the lived reality of its time the effects are still extremely clear. white feminism JUMPED at the character of janeway and celebrated her and rightfully so! the issues came about when women like b’elanna got attacked and pushed to the side. this directly affected janeway within fandom and she got and still is recognized for accomplishments SHE DID NOT DO. she got put on a pedestal and once that happens to a character they suddenly can do no wrong. except she does because shes a human and shes white and shes a character with writers behind her

b’elanna has never actually been a super popular character and the wave of love for her is actually pretty fucking recent and not to toot my own horn but i definitely was a big part of the b’elanna love resurgence. when i got into voyager and these dates ARE important, i used to scroll through her entire tag easily a couple times through a DAY. fans occasionally created art for her and yeah! she got fics but nowhere in comparison to her other peers. surrounding yourself with people who also love her and want to create for her does help with recognition of b’elanna but its super recent stuff. and to add onto that any white fan that has an opinion about her will always be biased because they just do not understand what it is like to exist as a latina woman of color

this is where me myself and i come into the story because wowowowowow star trek is so cool! star trek preaches on and on and on about diversity love acceptance hate oppression and all that good stuff so who wouldnt love it??? and then??? OMG THERES A LATINA CHARACTER IN ONE SERIES OMG OMG OMG. imagine my disappointment when i found out that she a main character barely was getting any love. it hurt. because even within a narrative of inclusion somehow characters of color just seem to always be pushed to the side. especially when a fandom has such a majority percentage of white people

watching her story was SO personal to me. i could see myself in her struggling with living in america. i lived my childhoods in puerto rico and in many different parts of usamerica, surrounded by family and people like me until that wasnt the case anymore. i spent my life living as a nomad with no place to call home for on average no less than a year and no more than three. i could understand b’elanna with her struggles of living in a klingon monastery and then being thrust into an unforgiving and unaccepting world where humans/white people are the most important. the internalized racism that i grew up with was horrendous and to this DAY i am still trying to learn and better myself and connect with my culture in any way i can. because in a black ans white world, where is the space for those of us that dont fall under either? we are ignored and erased and with b’elanna is has been the same

the rejection b’elanna had to her klingon side was something i could relate to incredibly. but it still isnt enough. because even though i could connect with her through her klingon-ness, her latinidad is simply a label. throughout the show you see her change and grow and assimilate to the federation standard and it HURT. the narrative that i was directly picking up from her story was yeah you can be a part of the club but only if you do it how we want you to do it. and dont you EVER even talk about being latino unless its to shit on your deadbeat of a father. and i did. i learned how to adapt at an extremely young age. ive been told its one of the things i do best (sad isnt it?)

and okay how do seven and janeway have anything to do with this? well they are the white women who we literally have to conform to and for. thats it period

seven as a character had an amazing opportunity to challenge gender and sexuality because of her story (one that would have been better suited had she been an indigenous woman which ive spoken on before but thats for another post too) and then the people in charge decided that she just HAD to be the sexywoman instead of leaning into just how much she was no longer human and how humanity itself doesnt actually have one right way to be

this narrative is given to us by janeway time and time and time again correcting seven and telling her that seven simply is not himan enough and still has to learn. (things autistic ppl can suuuuuper relate to which is a reason i could connect with seven at all). no matter how you want to look at it (whatever canon you want to decide isnt canon anymore for the sake of a fucking ship) janeway was directly written to be a mentor and mother figure to seven. janeway is there to help her learn when in reality she can never understand what its like to be an outcast within the federation and to take it a step further be part of a eace which is treated with hostility by humans. something b’elanna CAN understand and relate to because at the time of voyager shits still om the rocks between klingons and humans. janeway pushes seven to accept and embrace humanity as if thats the only option seven has to become a better character but its just not true. the story woven between janeway and seven is one of white women and femininity and how to be the perfect white woman and how to be a good lover. by actively ignoring the help and influence b’elanna could have provided for seven to learn and adapt to a majority human world they put all that weight on janeway. something that affects ALL three of them negatively and results in a narrative of “well b’elanna could never understand and relate to seven in a way that matters” which is beyond true because they are so interwoven even unintentionally so. it simply just wasnt taken further and its a true shame

and this isnt even touching on how badly seven’s actress was treated by janeways actress for being the pretty new doll at the time of filming and how that affected how i felt about janeway/seven as a ship (similarly how castle and beckett did not get along behind scenes i could no longer enjoy that show anymore)

i simplified this IMMENSELY and this shit is already long enough as it is so im sorry about that but yeah thats it. also sorry if things got repetitive ive been told i tend to do that when i write. these are my feelings and i am a real human behind this account so keep in mind how you react to this post. i have recieved countless hate anons most of which ive deleted throughout my short lived time as a fan of this franchise. i used to be MUCH more vocal about representation within star trek and people got mad so i left. but im back because the people that love b’elanna and that love that i have things to say about her matter so much fucking more than any angry person ever will

#to add a lil statistics to it b7 barely breaks 200 fics on ao3 and numbers like that classify them rarepair within a fandom as big as trek #AND I BARELY TOUCH ON THE SHIPPING ASPECT TOO LOL #b’elanna torres #seven of nine #captain janeway #star trek voyager

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bonefall · 1 year

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I just..like the Snowbird anon wrote in the lawyer Mapleshade thing: just because Moth Flight couldn't handle raising her kits and doing her duty doesn't mean the others would be the same. I agree (can't believe im agreeing with Snowbird anon) that her losing her cool and yelling at Acorn Fur definitely had repercussions. I wouldn't doubt it led to Goose and Blue thinking Blue couldn't be deputy if she kept her kits. Moth Flight just sucks. I hate how she treats Leafpool, too. She's just an awful person who really shouldn't have been put in power and make laws regarding important positions while being that young. She was only like, what 8 months when she had her kits? Like she was young and dumb.

What I hate most about Moth Flight is that it isn't even true that she wasn't able to raise her kits.

All through her SE, she refuses help because she thinks "Only I can love them properly! My children are SPECIAL!" and extends this almost venomous spite towards other women around her. Then, after showing Moth Flight being unreasonable all book long, we get the completely insulting moment where StarClan and Moth Flight condescend Acorn Fur for like 5 pages

And then we got to see her mistreat Leafpool in that absolutely bullshit StarClan trial, "I made that rule so that you'd never suffer the pain I did! AND YOU BROKE IT YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE WENCH! YOU WILL SUFFER FOR BREAKING MY RULE!! HELL FOR YOU!!!"

Sincerely! What the fuck! The RULE ITSELF causes suffering in giving up kits and going through harrowing trials, when the suffering that Moth Flight wouldn't have had to go through in the first place if she wasn't such a nasty little git!

And the scene where she gives away her children really sums up everything about Moth Flight and her SE that makes me absolutely detest her;

She's giving up her kits, and it's traumatic for these poor children being separated. They rightfully start screaming and crying in protest (if you've seen the Moonkitti video, this is what she mentions), shooting down her complete lie that this is how it 'has' to be, and then? Right after? It's suddenly fine lmao.

She even looks at Spider Paw, the kid who almost drowned, and says, "and you're going to RiverClan :) theyll teach you to swim there :)" AND HE'S FINE WITH THIS. HE'S LIKE "water scary" "No It's Fine :)" "Ok mom i guess so :)"

ZERO BRAIN CELLS. MYOTRAGUS LEVEL WRITING.

#Moth Flight #Warrior cats #Warrior cats analysis #There is NO OTHER character that makers me blood boil quite like Moth Flight #For other characters I feel like it's a waste of potential you know?#Or there's something interesting and insightful buried under there #Or with some I just think they'd be stronger in another arc or conflict #With Moth Flight? She reminds me of like #A powerful woman who uses her station to push other women down #And don't even get me started on how she's used as `Representation`#Her ADHD VANISHES in the first part of her BOOK #GONE COMPLETELY #AWFUL AWFUL CHARACTER #ACORN FUR DESERVES BETTER #AUFGHGHRGH #BITES YOU BITES YOU BITES YOU

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tiredstressedemotionalmess · 8 months

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why do i get my best ideas when my head hurts too much to write them down 😭😭

thinking abt this again btw

"Take care of everyone / Except for those that care for you / But it's fine, they don't mind / Cause they know you're a fuck"

poison's always known they'd die for something bigger than themself. when they started fighting in this revolution against the city, they swore that this was their end, their cause, this was what they would give their life to if it meant securing a future for the world free from bl/ind. take care of everyone. protect everyone. die for everyone. that's what they chose. now im thinking about the effects of that on their crew, specifically kobra.

like. he's part of a war, alongside almost everybody he knows, and this whole time he's sitting here watching his sibling destroy themself for it, convinced they have to die for this cause, this fight, he's watching poison give everything to something that will never give back, if they die here, they die, and that's enough for them but it's not enough for kobra. why should they give what little they have to this fight if there's no guarantee it'll pay off? im imagining him and poison getting into a fight abt it now and all i can think about is "what happens if you die for this and it doesn't end?"

because. well shit. what if you promised everything, gave everything, what if you pledged yourself until your last breath for this and it didn't work

first of all "why do i always get my best ideas when my head hurts too much to write them down" LITERALLY ME NEVER RELATED TO A SINGLE SENTENCE MORE THAT IS THE CENTRAL QUESTION THAT MY LIFE REVOLVES AROUND

anyways uh. kaz. QHY THE FUCK WOUDL YOU SAY THSI TO ME RN YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THE FUCKING FREIGHT TRAIN OF THOUGHTS THAT JUST CRASHES INTO MY BRAIN ONCE AGAIN UR A FUCKING GENIUS AND IM SCREAMING

fucking just. im thinking abt the city yk? im obsessed with the idea of party doing everything in their power to protect kobra from being labeled as the "problem child" by purposefully acting out, making bigger scenes whenever kovra does something "wrong", ripping the attention away from him so hell be safe from punishment. and now im thinking about kobra watching them do this for years and begging them to stop once he understands what theyre doing because why are you hurting yourself to "protect" me when i never asked for your protection in the first place

and then they get out to the zones and everythings better and everythings worse and they both fucking hate each other but at the same time they literally cant handle being apart for more than a few hours. and kobra feels smothered, like hes being controlled again and this time its worse because now hes being held back by the person he thought was always gonna try and save him. and he has to watch as their attention seemingly shifts; before at least when they were putting their everything into protecting kobra it was for kobra- someone who, despite his annoyance with it all, would at the end of the day understand why they did it and at least be grateful for the sentiment. back in the city they were fighting for someone they loved and who would always love them back, but now kobra has to watch them fucking kill themself in the name of this cause that couldnt give less of a shit about them! and maybe kobra feels betrayed because they went from protecting him from being controlled, to controlling him and wasting all the love that used to be for him to fighting for a future they both know theyll never live to see.

and of course they fight about this constantly. because kobra has no clue how to even begin verbalizing or explain all his feelings, and he is largely misinterpreting party as being "controlling" when they're still just trying to protect him. and party cant explain why they feel like this has to be their destiny, their purpose because god fucking dammit if they arent meant for this then they arent meant for anything at all-

and maybe the worst part is that kobra's kinda right. they die and nothing changes. a fucking DECADE passes and things only get worse. but also, maybe partys right because they all went in there, kobra included, ready to die to save their girlie, and she went on to finally break the world free. and even if she hadnt, they all still wouldve thought it worth it, all still wouldve marched in there and died like that anyways and i dont even know what im getting at here anymore. maybe the fact that kobra finally understands what party was getting at as he lays dying, just glad that shes getting out okay? but also mayabe the fact that the last thing he sees is partys corpse, and he probably dies just as angry as he is glad. because he fucking told them so and here they are anyways. after all the shit they put him through, everything they gave up, every sacrifice theyve ever made, they both still ended up dead in the fucking ground, in the city they both swore theyd never step foot in again

#asks #danger days #KAZ SERIOUSLY EHAGT THE FUUUUUCK #WHAT IF YOU PLEDGED YOURSELF UNTIL YOUR LAST BREATH AND IT DIDNT WORK“ I AM GOING FUCKING INSANE #kobra kid #party poison #I FEEL LIKE I ARTICULATED MY THIUGHTS POORLY I WILL PROBABLY YELL MORE ABT THIS LATER BC THERES JUST SO MUCH I CABT FUCKING. FUCK

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caluski · 5 months

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what is it about like... not being openly rejected. not being actively cut out of other peoples lives.. not being that toxic or evil ex lover or friend, but just like.. someone thats just like. existing out there. i know people talk constantly about not fitting in, not feeling like others, and yet you also see these very people falling happily in love, finding friends, having shoulders to cry on and people to party with. and then theres me which is like... just.. someone everyones indifferent to? and i dont understand why. people are nice to me, people can talk and joke around with me if the situation leads to it (like at work or school or whatever) and even when they see me on the street theyll say hi and laugh and smile and hug or kiss me hello. i dont doubt that theres people out there who hate me, who think im horrible and toxic, of course.. but most people seem fine with me. and yet for no one i am like..... in their lives as anything else but a passerby. i am good enough to be vented to during a breakup or health crisis or mental breakdown... but i am not good enough to be remembered when things are good. out of sight, out of mind.. my coworkers were tearing up when i was leaving, saying "we have to catch up! we have to go dancing together!" and yet whenever i would try to ask them about it directly or with careful implication it just felt like they didnt hear me. like they were tuned out. it must be something i am doing wrong because it keeps happening over and over and over and over again with so many genuinely nice and kind and friendly people. but i have no fucking idea what is it. and how many more potential friendships with people will i ruin until i finally fucking learn how to fix it. am i just forever doomed to be like the background character in a cheap cartoon. sure i have a design, but i dont have any speaking lines, or personality, or significance

#pogaduchy #good night :)#sorry this was supposed to be under a readmore idk why it doestn work.

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cwarscars · 28 days

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han what if i told you to write some positivity for a follower of your choice 👀 do it do it do it

Send me a url and I'll write some positivity for it.

id tell u this -

NOT BUT REALLY -

im gonna choose you because 1 - i am simple brained. literally have like one brain cell that is torn between food, sleeping and gaming. i am very stupid so LOGICALLY, its easy to choose ur URL cause ur here before me, presented like a beautiful turkey. NUmber 2 - I WANNA TALK ABOUT YOU, MOOGS SO I AM GOING TO. >:)

MOOGLE. another og of the remake fandom; another - as i like to say - 'legend'.

literally, your love, appreciation, passion, spirit and just fuckin general FEEL for roche has always, ALWAYS been something ive loved and admired. i feel that your passion for roche is similar to my weird obsession with heid - but it's so much more articulate / well-rounded / thought out. you have this way with roche, like, you adopted him back then as your bab (unloved by the fandom but adored by you) and i just love that so goddamn much. your analysis of his character and headcanons are something i absolutely cannot get enough of. when i saw him in game, i found myself thinking 'i wonder what moogle thinks of this choice, or that choice-' i saw certain things and desperately wanted to message you but didn't wanna spoil you so i laid of. HELL a part of me was close to grabbing shots of the keyring (you know the one lol) just to send you cause i saw it and literally said 'moogle would love that shit'.

it's just so heart-warming to me to see somebody have a passion for a character others 'don't like'. a lot of characters get an unfair rap from people, be they og fans w/no time for those characters or remake fans who just want to shit on any character they dont like (srsly the chadley hate actually makes me fuckin twitch). despite it, you power on. you love this character unapologetically, you're passion overrides any losers dislike for the character. that gets a big fuckin high five from me

AND in terms of writing - your writing is just so magical. you write professionally and a lot of the time when replying to you, i find myself taking a minute to take in what you've read and savour it - you know like homies do with a fine glass of wine? its like that. im huffing that writing and swirling it round my glass like, 'gosh DARN the good cush-'. you're so insanely talented, and your art, too! everytime i see it, im like snorting it up. you got that oldschool anime style that makes my brain vibrate inside of my SKULL.

moogle, i could honestly shout to the heavens about how rad you are as a person / writer / roleplayer. i adore your passion, adore your energy and i like that im moots with someone here who has the same wild-brained approach i do (lol), its nice to feel comfortable with another writer and always have your support / general presence on my dash cause your vibes so good ( your swag too strong, theyll kill u). just yeah, Ima stop writing now but for real - you're fuckin cool.

#(answered)#i gotchhu homedog #(foreversave)#(positivity)#(queued)

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webginz · 10 days

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do u mean the way moids are like “he’s lucky” or when ppl are like “omg no one believes victims Uwu”

god im like, really really tired so forgive me for bad explaining

yes to both of this, but also men act weirdly like.. vindictive about it? while also sexualizing it. almost like "SEE? it happens to men too you feminist b*tch!!" like how people acted like johnny depp was the victim, and used it as a way to be misogynistic.

i also see them pretending to care so that they can sexualize it, like in the "invincible" comics which are becoming an animated tv show. a male character in that show is raped by a woman and men act like its disrespectful to male victims to leave it out of the animated adaptation, but the reality is that scene in the comics was SUPER pornified. its like they just want the scene so they can jack off to it, but guise it as care for their fellow men and hatred for the "evil feminists/leftists/wokies/terfs/whatever" who want to take it away. ive seen this sentiment on twitter and reddit a lot, and any criticism about intent gets bombarded with "oh so you think rape is okay?" or "so your pro censorship?"

i see female fans take these sort of scenes and be really empathetic towards these male characters (and almost never do they have this same sentiment for female characters), even when it was obviously a fetish/misogynistic hate spree for the person writing it. sometimes theyll even praise the author for including it, even if the scene is unnecessary and disrespectful + insensitive towards *all* victims (which they almost always are)

rape is an extremely sensitive topic. i dont like seeing explicit scenes of it in any media, and i dont think its ever necessary to show it that way.

lots of these women act like these sexualized depictions are somehow progressive because the victim is male.

theres also this weird craze where "men are victims too" has become "men are bigger victims" where people think men are somehow hurt more and affected in worse ways when they are victims of something that , in their eyes, should only happen to women. (ive also seen this happen with men with eating disorders and men in prostitution)

when the perpetrator is a woman, its almost a bonus where misogyny is excused, and everyone loves to be misogynistic.

im tired and dont know how to wrap this up. sorry. i hope i made sense

#rape tw

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psychiatric-warfare · 1 year

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hey, just so we're clear, no trans person is my enemy. i dont care if they're truscum/transmed or if they have the worst internalised transphobia. i don't care if they hate me or think im cringe for how i present myself or if they think people like me give the community a bad name.

ive been there, its a sad, scary, dark place to be filled with self-loathing and anger. these are the trans people who need our solidarity the most i think. so many of us push them out and tell them to stay out of our spaces so they only ever interact with their echo chamber that repeatedly hammers in these self destructive ideas that theyll never get out of until someone shows them a different way

i would have never gotten out of my way of thinking if it wasn't for other trans people showing me the beauty of being yourself despite the norm and how much happier it can make you. i owe a lot to contrapoints (Natalie Wyn) for her early videos on being trans to help me see how my views and ideas of what trans people Should be like weren't just harmful to me, but to the people i should have been helping to protect

but not everyone is going to want to watch hour long video essays on the topic, not everyone likes contrapoints, not everyone Has a means of crawling out of that deep pit

leave no one behind. no trans person is our enemy. they are all our siblings and deserve our love and our protection. we need to show them that they are loved how they are, that they are a part of our community (whether they like it or not). we will not leave them behind during our fight for rights. we will not leave ANYONE behind. and these people need love and care and protection, because we all know when push comes to shove, they will not be protected by the cis people who accepted them as the 'normal ones' and especially not by transphobes

if you're reading this and you're a transmed, you are loved. i have been where you are and i know how it can be, i know the toll it can take on you to feel rejected by cis people and your own community. i know how lonely it feels and how painful it is to base your whole identity around the dysphoria that hurts you so much. i hope that you can find peace with yourself and with those like you.

#b talks #transphobia #trans rights #transmed #truscum #nonbinary #enby #mtf #ftm

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vaguely-yandere · 2 years

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ohohoho chami dearest…. you spoil me so… <3333 (๑´• ₃ •̀๑) <333 one thing i really really appreciate about ur blog is! actually everything. LOL i truly love it here i think(?) your blog is relatively new but as you might know, dom reader/sub love interest blogs and fics are already SO hard to find as is; subby yandere centered blogs are even HARDER to come by!! i get theres a certain charm in being dominated (i guess) but seeing a little cutie on their knees in front of you, all panty and blushy and eager….. i need more of that…! and you have delivered in all ways possible <333 lysm !! i really really appreciate u!!! <333 i feel like now IM the one sounding all obsessive ehehehe

speaking of which…. whats your love language? im curious! you can easily take a quiz by searching ‘lovelanguage quiz’ online, idk if youve ever taken one before!! you might have already, i dont know :0 i just think it would be so cute if yans found out about their darlings love language and did their best to give them affection in that way!! even if it didnt exavtly match up with THEIR love language…

that being said, their love language is well, you! so theyll do their best to cater to your needs!! words of affirmation? theyll tell you what they love about you EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. all the time. (its a bit excessive, really, but you canr bring yourself to cut off their ranting about you, even if its been going on for hours…) physical touch? well, theyll do their best to hold your hand without throwing up or shaking or sweating or passing out. quality time? they’ve already got that down! (idk if stalking can be counted as quality time, though…)

so happy you like attention bc i’ll shower you w it!! i honestly don’t keep up w many blogs (in terms of interacting w them) but id like to be friends w you if you’d allow it!! chami <333 chami <33 im p sure you’ll be able to recognize my actual user @ atp, but we can just pretend you dont <33

yes yes!!! ive always been a bit.. picky with my dom yanderes due to various reasons and i always felt bored when reading strictly dominant yanderes who just degrade you and tend to be rly rly mean or having the dom reader be so... unnatural? i don't wanna be mean to anyone, i also do enjoy a few more dominant yanderes and i love others writings but they don't rly fit what im looking for!! and i wanna encourage ppl to seek out content they like AND i wanna encourage other writers to try and write different dynamics !!! a submissive top, a dominant bottom, service tops, just write some niche stuff!!

ive always been a very dominant person and ive never enjoyed having to read about yanderes who beat the reader (literally or figuratively) into submission cause, well. that's not me! i want me a classic yandere who squeals when i yell at them, who sees me hitting them or hugging them as the same thing!!! but i do also enjoy a good service top (i always imagine them holding silver platters, wearing nothing but a bowtie, a funny top hat and a black thong and doing the classic butler pose) but a service top also ties into the weird need to step on a yanderes thigh while they're kneeling and have them smile up at me through the pain or moan when they accidentally bump their hip into a sharp corner cause theyve been pavlov'd to always associate pain with pleasure (and me! <3 in a very consensual and non toxic way. i don't wanna just spend my time beating my poor yandere :()

which i guess makes sense because my love language is acts of service! i love going things for people and i love having people do things for me!!! a close second would be gift giving but that's just because im greedy lol. i can already see a yandere taking this to the extreme and coddling me (something i hate) by always doing everything for me until i eventually snap at them and then they spend the next few hours begging for forgiveness

which is weird! because i really don't like needy ppl who need my attention on the 24/7 or else they'll spend hours whining and asking for reassurance (this is fantasy why am I taking this so seriously) which is. kinda stupid because the base layer of being a yandere is being needy??? but i think that also just ties into why i like sub yanderes! i have control most of the time! i want alone time? they'll stalk me from a distance! i don't want them putting cameras in the bathroom (i never liked this idea as someone with stomach issues. somethings not even my fantasy yandere needs to know about) fine! they'll just make it suicide proof which is fair and they also demand having walkie talkies in there so they can check in when their anxiety is too high. they physically can't handle leaving me alone? they'll let me tie them up for a while and leave em at home while i do stuff. they wanna kill all of my friends? no. bad yandere. ive had enough bad relationships in my life and i can excuse the stalking, taking of undergarments (but at least replace the expensive ones, damn), possible killing of my enemies, etc etc but i draw the line at being a dick! (again, please know i don't encourage this kind of behavior irl. for roleplay purposes and fantasy purposes ONLY.)

plus, something just gets my heart racing when some pathetic lil cutie is desperately trying to hide how desperate they are for me! again, im an attention whore at heart and i desperately need some obsessive lil nerd (think discord mod oc but cute!) to give me the attention and love i deserve! feed my ego! i refuse to be humbled by a dom yandere >:(

and subby yanderes are so cute and can fit into any category! you want it rough? a yandere with a knife obsession (rival yan is perfect for this) or maybe you wanna be spoilt? CEO yandere who'll let you spit in their face, call them an idiot and then let you drain their bank account while thanking you! (just don't hit them too hard, they're very sensitive:() or maybe you're more of a sadist? rival yandere is there for you! enjoy bottoming but don't like getting dommed? submissive service top! (again, CEO yandere!) or maybe you just adore babying and humiliating your yandere! sensitive yandere will let you call them a filthy whore all day long!

maybe you enjoy platonic yanderes who are more submissive as well (but not in a sexual way) then the girly yandere is for you! sure, they were written romantically but any character can be written as platonic! (except maybe rival yandere or sensitive yandere. they both have issues some serious issues- well, maybe sensitive yandere could be more platonic, who knows!) or maybe a doting parental figure? CEO yan will happily take you in! anyone who crosses your path will be begging for forgiveness in no time! submissive yandere can also be p platonic, maybe they're your big sibling (it's weird using traditionally sexual rhetoric to describe a familial role uegh there has to be a better word for it) who always gives you what you want! gifts? candy? games? a ride somewhere? help beating the shit out of a friend who hurt you? they'll do it all! (i always imagine Tanjiro from Demon Slayer like this.. except he has more morals than a yandere but only slightly lol)

there's just so much potential!!!! <33 and id love to be friends with you sunny darling but i have a confession... i try not to pay attention to who likes what or who doesn't like what! despite being an attention whore, it's so tiring feeling my hopes sink when someone who likes EVERYTHING doesn't like something :( so i just don't pay attention to it! but i love making friends!! EVERYONE should feel free to dm me!! all i ask is to please respect my boundaries (in my pinned post) and to pls be patient with me (im very autistic and socially underdeveloped so chatting is hard sometimes) and don't worry about "coming on too strong" or smthin like that! the entire reason i made this blog is for more dominant ppl (and again! love submissive ppl as well and also welcome them here!) who are okay with setting boundaries! which means i like setting boundaries! and i enjoy practicing setting them! and i think it'd be good for other ppl (esp you sunny :3) to maybe practice taking up space! talking a lot, being loud, or just fairly dominant when traditionally you aren't supposed to be isn't a bad thing! and if someone has an issue with it, trust them to tell you and talk it out like mature adults (cause this is an 18+ blog!) and if they don't wanna talk it out or just don't tell you why they have an issue with you, you don't need them in your life. you have too much shit to deal with to add someone being an asshole on top of that!

#sunny darling #yandere scenarios #yandere #platonic yandere #yandere x you #ceo yandere #rival yandere #sensitive yandere #asks

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anti-dazai-blog · 8 months

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The way i took one look at ur posts and youre already way more reasonable than that chuuya hater that tagged u 😭 theyre coming after me after i reblogged a funny lighthearted dazai hate post (i kin dazai (please i promise im not a terrible manipulator and person ok im just some kid who relates to some aspects to the character that are important to me T-T )) and sent me direct asks and tagged me in multiple posts, lord give me strenght, i feel like that experience actually made me like chuuya even more (even if theyre probably a troll?? They cant be genuen right?? But its still so annoying) out of spite, just because even if theyre just TRYING to be annoying (idk maybe they actually are like this tough i doupt it) they are dragging chuuya trough the mud for no reason, i dont hate the guy, i dont love the guy, he just never clicked with me as much as many others but hes still a great character, unlike you (with dazai), that blog cant admit that, and i love you for that THANK YOU for being so reasonable. I doupt theyll look at ur blog for more than a secend if they see your usernamane but ill stay anon just bcs i dont want them to come after me again 😶

Haha thanks, I’m glad you appreciate my reasonableness!!

In all seriousness though, I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that person. You made the right move asking on anon, because every person that interacts with me off anon gets incessantly harassed by them.

As a general PSA for everyone reading this, seriously please stay safe, it’s much more important to stay safe than to interact with my blog. I don’t need notes to survive, however you DO need stable mental health. Try not to get involved with people who send you threatening or bullying messages. Just block and ignore.

#Anti dazai asks #Seriously #I’ve already dmed a few of you regarding you getting harassed because of your associating with me #But if you’ve been getting harassed for that reason and I haven’t noticed #I’m so so sorry that this is happening to you #Please just block and ignore. Interacting is not helping the situation and will definitely not go well for you in the long run

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rattlingheart · 4 months

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i finally decided to sit down and write out how i've been feeling.

Am I selfish? Am I jealous? Am I a bad person to the people I care about? Are they bad to me? I don’t understand why it’s so wrong of me to have wants. All i want is someone for myself. I want someone who would do anything for me at any time. I want to be cared for, i want to be loved and i want to be wanted and needed. Why is that so bad? I want my own person. Everyone else has their own so why cant i have one too? Every time i try to explain it i end up looking like the bad guy. Maybe my actions arent great and maybe i feel things too strong but none of that would matter if i had someone who understood. Nobody ive ever talked to knows what im going through because everyone at one point or another has had their person. They dont know what its like to think you have someone and then lose them to someone else, over and over and over again. At this point it just feels hopeless and im starting to feel like an idiot for ever thinking it could happen. I know it sounds conceited to think im the only person to ever feel this way but thats just how it feels. I want to be wanted so bad it hurts. Every day i spend alone makes me feel worse and worse. I dont know how much i can take. I want someone i can call and theyll answer right away, happy to hear me and ill be happy to hear them. I want to be able to have hours of conversation while also being comfortable with hours of silence. I want someone to think of me in a romantic way. To want to take me on dates and bring me flowers and show me how much they love me. I want to be so yearned for that it makes their stomach hurt. I want someone to be sad when they cant see me and angry when i talk to someone else. I want someone to put my picture in their wallet, or put a photo of us on their lockscreen. To be the first thing on someones mind when they wake up and the last thing before they fall asleep. In my eighteen years of life ive never come close. People say everyone has their time and everyone has their person, and i want to believe that so bad. I wish i could trick myself into being okay by myself and to just accept that my time wil come and that someone will love me but i just cant. Do you know how pathetic that feels? To know you have the potential to love and be loved but to never feel it? To just be fooled over and over to the point of not knowing what it feels like to have a crush anymore, not knowing if they actually want to get to know me or if they just need enough of my interests to get into my bed. I would love for someone to want to know me.

I want someone to know everything about me oh my god. I want to tell them everything about me and they tell me everything about them. I want to know someones deepest secrets and for them to know mine. I want to not be judged for the way i act, think, and feel. I promise i wont judge you if you dont judge me. I just cant understand why this is too much to ask. I want someone to meet my parents and my friends. I want to be a part of someone else's family and theyre a part of mine. I want to be thought of when holidays come around, and for them to know my birthday. I want them to ask if im coming over for dinner or if youre coming to mine. I want to be seen as a pair, if one of us is there then so is the other. It doesnt have to last forever, im not asking for a marriage partner, just a taste. I just want to dip my toes into the pool of love, i dont have to swim in it. Eventually i want to meet someone that just pulls me in with them and drowns me. I want to be smothered with love until it makes me sick. It would feel so much better than being alone. I cant even imagine how it would feel to be introduced as a girlfriend. For someone to show their family and friends my picture and to be excited about it. I hate begging for things but please. Its all ive ever wanted and yet its making me into a monster. I dont feel like myself anymore, i feel like a shell. It feels like my heart is just rattling around in my body making noise for someone to hear her. The butterfly in my stomach is dying, she hasn't fluttered in so long. I want her to be happy again, for me to just think of someone and she does somersaults around my stomach. I want to be nervous to go on a first date, maybe even a second or a third. I want to have a kiss at the end of the date like how it happens in the movies. I want someone to bring me home and want to see me again. I want to be a girlfriend, i cant wait until the day someone asks me. I think ill die right there in that moment. I want to say i love you. I want someone to say they love me every time they see me, every time they leave my presence and every time they enter it. I want people to know that im loved, and to know that i love the person loving me. I want to love someone so hard that just the thought of not having them in my life makes me sick. I want it to make me cry and i want them to comfort me and say it will never happen. I want them to lie to me. So that when the day eventually comes and they tell me they no longer love me I can have faith that ill find someone else to love me. I want to have a breakup that hurts me so bad i cant leave my bed and i stop talking to people for weeks. I want to lay in my bed and rot away just reminiscing over the way they loved me for so long. I want to know the feeling of having my heart ripped out of my chest and taken from me. I want to know the feeling of growing a new heart for someone else. And for that person to nurse me back to health, back to my original self. I know its strange to want heart break but as someone whos never experienced it, i want to know what its like. I want to experience every aspect of a relationship. I want to fight and argue. I want to apologize and make amends because we both know it isnt worth it to be mad at each other. I want someone to tell me that theyre sorry, and that theyll never yell at me again. I want someone to run their fingers through my hair as i lay my head in their lap. I want someone to hold me, hold my hand, hold my body, hold my heart. I want to put my legs on someones lap and for them to rub my legs just to know theyre there. I want to have someone to grab in a crowded room, to hold my hand so i dont get lost.

I want someone on the same level as me and i pray they never leave me behind. I just want to be loved and cared for the same as everyone else in my life. I want to feel like an equal to the people around me and not like an alien. Ive spent years building myself up for other people to notice me. Ive been noticed, but no one has cared enough to stay. It makes me feel so awful. Ive learned to keep things to myself, to not overshare. I try to go after what i want but it always ends badly, i always end up looking desperate. People use desperate in a bad way but i cant help but think, is that not what i am? I am desperate. I am so unbelievably desperate for someone to want me. I cant sit with my own thoughts or it starts to make me physically and mentally ill. I need someone to share them with. I need someone to talk to. I need somebody to be there for me. I need my own person. Someone i dont have to share and someone who will always be there when i need them. Someone who will know i need them before i even realize it. I think if i had someone to pour my thoughts onto and pour all of the love inside of me, id be doing a lot better. Im just scared that what if i find my person but they dont want me in my current state? What if im too much to handle and too much to take care of. I guess theyre not my person then. When i finally do find my person, someone just for me, they will love me for who i am, what i am, and they will see the good in me. Is that too much to ask?

#love #long reads #relationship #vent

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