#but I have to stop its late and I am so tired

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA For Not Budging On A Potentially Unconventional Need?

I (M20+) have BPD and Autism, and when I was younger, they'd both team up to cause me a lot of struggle.

One of the biggest things I used to do was self isolate when I was upset or worried, and just sit around after throwing out some red flags, hoping someone would read my mind and ask me if I was alright.

OBVIOUSLY THAT WASN'T VERY HEALTHY, neither for myself or for others. I definitely think that was an "ESH" time period.

So now that I'm older, in therapy, taking meds, and generally doing better and am a lot happier, I put clear communication as my #1 priority in all of my relationships.

I don't phrase anything in a way that sounds confrontational, I don't tell people what they can or can't do, who they can or can't talk with, don't get jealous too easily, etc. I only ask for honesty, compromise, and mutual respect for boundaries.

I really thought I was doing well for myself by swapping "I won't communicate at all" out for "I need to communicate often"

But one thing that I just can't seem to stop is the paranoia when it comes to people I'm particularly close and very vulnerable with; I'll notice certain changes in their demeanor and worry it's because I've done something wrong, or that they don't like me as much anymore. Sometimes I CAN brush it off and wait it out until I'm inadvertently proven otherwise.

But if it's not going away, and I'm worried it's just getting worse, I need to just ask for their honest thoughts and get it over with. If for some reason they were actually upset, my intention would NOT be to double down or lash out. I just DON'T want to be strung along by a lie, as has happened!

This isn't really that common of an occurrence either. Maybe every few weeks during particularly hard periods.

I don't feel this way about people I'm not very close to, and people who do manage to get very close to me know this about me; I keep no secrets about my mental health and try to be extremely upfront. A lot of people will say at first that they understand, but over time, I'll eventually get that flack and heartache from them, saying that it's just too exhausting for them. At best, I'm kinda teased for it. It's made me feel like I haven't made as much progress in my recovery as I thought I had, which sucks.

It's not me starting arguments or fights, or accusing them of anything. Just me saying "Hey, I've been feeling a little paranoia lately, is everything okay between us? Is there anything we should talk about?" or something like that.

I'm really conflicted about it.

On one hand, I feel like if things are okay, it shouldn't be difficult or tiring to say "Nope, everything's alright, dw!" If you still like me in a certain way, why would it be tiring to just say so? It takes maybe five seconds to type/say. The only way I can see it being tiring is if they were just telling me white lies about how they felt, and had to maintain the act.

On the other hand, I know BPD isn't without its delusions, and that Autism isn't without its "misunderstanding of social norms". I know I'm likely to see things differently from others. I know it's not exactly EASY to love someone like me. Maybe it IS too much of a demand, and I've just convinced myself it's not?

This IS something I'm trying to work through in therapy regardless, but I just worry that it isn't a symptom that will ever fully go away, and instead it needs to be worked with.

Am I the asshole for standing by that, at LEAST for now? Is it fair? Or is that too much of a need for people to reasonably accommodate? Am I just not trying hard enough to be better?

If I ever got particularly close to someone again, would I be an asshole for again insisting that if I need reassurance to dismiss an oncoming spiral, they should be able to meet that need instead of asking that I keep the paranoia to myself and just deal with it on my own? Which may or may not work, or even make things worse.

I know it can make people feel like I don't trust them. That much I do understand! But I've tried telling them that it's not that I don't trust or respect them, I don't trust or respect myself. I dunno if that makes sense to anyone without BPD, though.

This is both a "Was I the asshole?" and a "Would I be the asshole?" ask I guess, lol

#aita #am i the asshole

[gyubeom]

Same Bed

……………………………………………………………………………………

Pairing: Best friend!Soobin x Reader (f)

Genre: smut, fluff

Warnings: Reader is a female, having sex while other people are present, somnophilia, slight degradation, use of pet name baby and babe, squirting, creampie, nipple play

a/n: Hi guys back with another fic, hope ya’ll enjoy! Btw this is a non requested fic!

……………………………………………………………………………………

You were on your way to Yeonjun’s house for the sleepover he invited you to. You were excited to go since your crush, Soobin was going to be there. You arrived at Yeonjun’s house and rang the doorbell. Somebody answered the door “Oh hi Y/n you’re early” Yeonjun said. “Come in let’s wait for the others” he said while opening the door wider. When you entered you saw Soobin and Beomgyu sitting on the couch. You exchanged your hi’s as you put down your bags. You sat down on the couch and waited for the others while catching up with the ones who arrived.

When Taehyun and Huening Kai arrived you started the sleepover. Yeonjun suggests you guys order something to eat, you all agreed on pizza. While waiting for the food to arrive you played some board games. After a while the pizza arrived and you decided to watch a movie. Before watching the movie you decided to go to the bathroom, “Im going to the bathroom before the movie starts” you said. “Oh ok hurry up” Yeonjun says, you hurriedly went to the bathroom.

When you got back, all of the seats were taken except for the seat next to Soobin. Your cheeks were turning red as you sat down. “What should we watch?” Taehyun asked “I was thinking the new horror movie that came out” Beomgyu said. You all agreed on the horror movie and began watching it. During the movie you hid in Soobin’s chest with his arm over your shoulder pulling you in. You were too scared to care if you were so close to him.

Finally when the movie ended, it was 2:00 am by then. Since it was late and you guys were tired you all decided to sleep. “Wait Y/n and Soobin” Yeonjun called out “Is it ok if you guys share a room? I only have 4 bedrooms”. Your blood rushed to your face at the thought of you sharing a room with Soobin. “Yeah it’s fine” Soobin agreed “Yeah sure it’s fine” I agreed as well.

Later that night you just finished doing your night routine. You changed into the pajamas you packed and got comfy on the bed. Soobin was still in the bathroom, though you felt too sleepy to wait for him so you drifted to sleep.

Soobin got back from the bathroom to see you sleeping. He smiled at your sleeping face. He climbed in the bed and lifted the blanket only to see what you were wearing. You were wearing a tank top and booty shorts that hiked up from you tossing around on the bed.

Soobin felt himself get hard at the sight. He stared at you for a bit before lifting your tank top teasingly revealing your breasts. He groaned and started to play with your nipples. While he was doing so, you were squirming and letting out small moans. He then took one of your nipples and started sucking them which made you let out a small whine.

You then slowly woke up to him harshly sucking on your nipples which made you pull on his hair. Soobin then stopped and looked at you in shock. “Omg Y/n do you want me to stop- Im sorry” he said in panic “No no its fine, continue Soobin” thats all it took for him to start removing your top and shorts.

“Y/n you’re so wet” he said while spreading your legs open. You let out a moan on his remark “Hey you have to be quiet, the others might hear you” Soobin warned you. You didn’t want to stay quiet, damn you don’t even care if the others heard you. You were snapped out of your thoughts with Soobin roughly rubbing your clit. You let out a loud moan at the sensation.

Soobin then started to lick your entrance before sliding in his tongue. You bit your lip to prevent the moan from leaving your mouth. He started to roughly pump two fingers in your hole making you squirm. When he added a third finger, you felt your self reaching your high. “Soo-Soobin Im gonna cum” you said in between moans. “Yeah? Cum on my fingers then” after a few more pumps you released all over his fingers.

He pulled out his fingers and started to suck on them licking all of your juices. He then started to undress himself and throw his clothes on the floor. He then sat on the edge of the bed and ushered you to stand up. He then led you to sit on his lap. You felt his hard dick on your inner thigh which made you moan.

“I wanna see you ride my dick tonight” Soobin said, you nodded your head and aligned yourself to him. Once you sunk in you both let out a groan, you started grinding and bouncing up and down on his cock in a steady pace. You kept your head sunk in the crook of his neck and your hands gripping on his broad shoulders.

“Fuck you feel so good Y/n” Soobin said “Mhm-yeah?” You said trying to control your moans. You felt Soobin’s hand snake down to play with your swollen nipples. You let out a moan as you continued to ride him. He then reached down your cunt and rubbed fast circles on your clit. You felt your high coming again making you clench down on his cock.

“Fu-fuck Y/n if you keep clenching like that Im gonna cum” Soobin said grunting. Without a warning he spilled out his load on you filling you up with warm white liquid. This made you cum again for the second time. You were both panting still coming from your high. That was until you were pushed back down onto the bed.

Soobin hovered over you and whispered “You think you can handle one more baby”. You were at shock at the pet name he used causing butterflies to erupt in your stomach. You nodded as he lifted your hips up and put your legs on his shoulders. Suddenly he bottomed out in you without a warning which cause you to scream since you were also overstimulated. Your scream was probably heard considering your loud moans earlier.

Soobin was going on an inhuman speed making you and the bed shake. You could hear the faint noises of the headboard hitting the wall behind it. Soobin reached down and started playing with your clit making you moan. He then trailed a finger down leading to your entrance where his dick was and slipping a two fingers in it.

“Soobin!” you screamed loudly, “what don’t you like this Y/n? Wearing such revealing sleepwear when you know you’re going to sleep with me?” he said while roughly pumping the two fingers the same pace as his dick. You whined in response, not being able to form a proper sentence at the delicious stretch.

Not long after you can feel a foreign sensation creep up as Soobin increased his speed. Soobin then used his free hand to rub your clit which made you moan loudly followed by a whimper. You suddenly felt yourself release something new which made you scream Soobin’s name loudly.

“Fuck baby are you squirting?” Soobin said while cumming inside of you. He pulled out in a hurry and rubbed your clit which made you release more and helped you ride your high. Your juices splashing on the sheets and on Soobin’s abs. Once you stopped squirting, Soobin pulled out. You felt his cum leaking out of you.

You were too fucked out to move so you closed your eyes for a while. You heard Soobin get up and picked up your clothes. Then you heard him run a bath and get a towel to clean the both of you. “Y/n we need to shower before we go to bed, we’re sticky” Soobin said while lightly tapping you.

You nodded sleepily as he carried you to the bathroom and put you in the tub. You were half awake when he started massaging your shampoo into your scalp which made you sigh from relaxation. He started scrubbing your body and rinsing the soap suds off. He dried you with a soft towel and layed you down on your shared bed.

He hopped on the bed and pulled you close to his chest. He took a peek of your face to find you snoring lightly with your mouth slightly opened. He chuckled and kissed your forehead then whispered in your ear “I love you Y/n”. He saw you smile in your sleep, shortly after he drifted away to sleep.

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a/n: Hi guys! i hoped you liked it! I’ll be releasing more fics soon, thank you for reading!

#soobin #txt #txt post #txt smut #for you #choi soobin smut #soobin x reader #soobin x y/n #soobin smut #txt fics #tomorrow x together #soobin headcanons #smut #soobin txt

[rmbaloncesto]

Happy 25th birthday, Luka 🌟

5× NBA All-Star (2020–2024)

4× All-NBA First Team (2020–2023)

NBA Rookie of the Year (2019)

NBA All-Rookie First Team (2019)

FIBA World Cup Top Scorer (2023)

All-FIBA World Cup Team (2023)

Olympics All-Star Team (2020)

EuroBasket champion (2017)

All-EuroBasket Team (2017)

EuroLeague champion (2018)

EuroLeague MVP (2018)

EuroLeague Final Four MVP (2018)

All-EuroLeague First Team (2018)

2× EuroLeague Rising Star (2017, 2018)

EuroLeague 2010–20 All-Decade Team (2020)

3× Liga ACB champion (2015, 2016, 2018)

Liga ACB MVP (2018)

All-Liga ACB First Team (2018)

2× Spanish King's Cup winner (2016, 2017)

#cant believe he is 25 already... #luka doncic #dallas mavericks #look i have not gifed in YEARS #so this is very meh #but its luka so its automatically amazing #ITS ALMOST 7 AM #IM TIRED #but its still the 28th in dallas #so im technically not late #i was going to make 10 gifs but no <3 #anyway: happy bday wonder boy i love you so much #my gifs #mavs #luka #wonder boy #goodnight #ill stop looking at this before i hate it and delete it

[toastsnaffler]

okay can we have a new rule that if you're my friend and know I struggle with rsd from adhd + you're planning on hanging out with mutual friends but specifically aren't inviting me for whatever reason. Maybe Don't Tell Me About It

#id just rather not know man. even if I cant go or dont particularly want to im going to get stung by it and it rly sucks #its a TON of extra effort i have to put in to emotionally navigate that information without overreacting and making it an issue #wait actually maybe i do need to sit down with her and explain this more explicitly. bc she probably doesnt rly know abt it #even tho ive mentioned it shes rly terrible at reading ppl and i probably dont let on much abt it anyway bc im used to dealing w it #ugh. but also its rly embarrassing to talk abt and ill have to tread so carefully to make sure it doesnt get misinterpreted. hmm #but itd be worth it if she stopped so. ill give it some thought #it makes me feel so unreal sometimes bc i cant always tell if im justifiably upset or if im 'just overreacting' so i assume the latter- #most of the time to give myself space to work thru the emotion and minimise the damage i might cause if i AM just overreacting #but then sometimes later on i realise that it was justified but its too late to bring it back up and anyway ive worked through it #and idk. theres smth self disrespectful abt it all im tired of making space all the time and never taking any up myself #im not THAT upset rn like this is a v minor thing but still. might be time to start nipping this stuff in the bud #aaanyway #im procrastinating eating bc i cooked a nice meal but now im not in the mood to eat it 😭😭 but i gotta fuel up..... #ill find smth to watch hopefully thatll do the trick #yawns so loud bye for now #.diaries

[thecherrygod]

/

#my posts #........................................................................................................................................... #............................................................................................................................................ #is that enough i think that's enough #yeah that's how its going #everything's been getting worse and I've been feeling very bad but also very pathetic and like complaining almost makes me feel worse but #i can't do anything else about this so like. vent post lmao bc I'm a dumbass #i truly just want to(redacted)but one of those isn't an option and the other i have a drs appointment soon and i don't want to explain that #everything is just. bad. and what isn't i feel like it's getting bad and it's my fault. and I'm probably right. #just. i hate it here #the deserving mentality is truly getting to me and i fucking hate it. it's not logical. I'll still agree with it. #i truly don't deserve the food stuff i can't keep in my life and i deserve the shit that in getting and i can't stop agreeing with that #'oh this classmate wants to have lunch with me on Saturday after working on something! i should cancel before it's too late- #-so i can continue feeling bad for being an apple bc people should hate me bc I'm horrible and don't deserve kindness' like #it's. it's false. it's not logical. and yet #everyone else there's the fucking plexiglass wall and where it wasn't i think it's getting formed and it is my fault probably #i am annoying that one is true #.... I've been making posts like this all day and deleting them bc I'm pathetic also. it's. #... there's a little too much going on lmao #nothing's worth it and i feel like shit and anything i could try to do about it doesn't work and I'm just tired #... in case someone does read this i know it sounds worrying but nothing will happen tbh I'm just a pathetic coward who's sad and tired #and tired of being sad in a way that feels like it's getting worse #I'm not very sure when was the last time i felt. this bad in just. i don't know how to make it stop lmao #also in already annoying so this is all i can do i think lmao #i think I'm seeing now I'm just. being redundant and if i keep this up too much i will delete this. and i should but. i don't think i will #also without saying much this year the one thing™ has been worse than usual and that's not helping either so it truly is just. #that everything is kinda very bad #.... yeah. whatever. it's just.¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ #... i truly wish killing myself was still an option like when i was a teen bit it's not so i just have to deal with whatever this is #... i hate being aware this is all super illogical bc the logical post of my brain teams up making me feel worse somehow.

[kellystar321]

.

#vent #periodical life updates #OUGHGKJHR IM SO FUCKIGN TIRED!!! i did my two final projects and one of them was late but god fucjgign whatever and i look at my stupid #canvas calendar and apparently while i was doing that i missed two other assignments and discussion boards and im SO TFIGIFJNNG TIRED #I CANT WORK ANYMORE I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE IM SO TIRED. THEY'RE JUST THERE AND THE DEADLINES WERE WRONG AND ITS SO MUCH. #AND IT NEVER FCKING STOPS AND /GODDAMNIT I JUST REALIZED I MISSED DAILY ECA/ FCKGIGJNG SHT OF COURSE I DID GOD #I NEVER HAVE TIME ANYMORE I NEVER GET TO DO WHAT I WANT AND IM SO ANGRY. WHY WAS I FORCED TO DO FOUR CLASSES. I CANT DO FOUR CLASSES. #theres too much goddamn work and i cant do it!! i have two more essays! i have two discussion boards for environmental and another for a #different class and more assignments on top of that AND WHEN CAN EVERYONE SHUT UP AND STOP I DONT CARE ANYMORE I WANT TO BE DONE #AND THIS ISNT EVEN DONE!! BECAUSE I HAVE TO DO MORE FCKING CLASSES IF EVERYONE WANTS ME TO BE A COMPUTER FCKING SCIENCE MAJOR SO BADLY #AND MY SHT WONT TRANSFER AND WHAT DOES IT FCKING MATTER ANYMORE. IM EXHAUSTED AND ITS ALWAYS MORE WORK AND WHO FCKING CARES ANYMORE #IM SO FCIGJGN ANGRY I HATE COLLEGE I HATE THIS WHOLE SYSTEM AND IM SO TIRED ALL THE TIME AND I NEVER GET TO REST!! YOU THINK YOU'RE FINALLY #FINISHED AND THERES ALWAYS FCKIGNG MORE WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE OVER WHEN AM I DONE WHEN AM I /DONE!!!!/ #i hate everything everything is bad and i cant even say the truth to anyone ever. no one fucking gets it. no one fucking talk to me anymore

[camptw1nk]

many thoughts rushin thru my brain

#i am. im having uni thoughts #specifically drop out of uni thoughts #and i have these thoughts every year its true but usually at the end of the semester not the start #i am just. burned out from study i think #i have been in school of some form every semester since i was 5 years old that is Twenty Years of non stop schooling #and i am Tired #like i wanna drop out and work full time im enjoying my job a lot #but my doctor and gym membership are both thru school and so theyre free and so. if i stop. i have to start paying #which is doable if i work full time probably i just. its a lot and its a big deal #ive contacted the student advisors for an appointment and ill talk to my dad since hes the one that funded my studies #i wish i could just like. do One Class and not have it connected to a degree u know #enough to be enrolled and do some work but not so overwhelming #bc my current degree is one that i dont think can be done part time #so idk #its too late to withdraw and get my money back that deadline passed last week #its just very. im overwhelmed and i can not do 9h of uni on a Wednesday right after 3 days in a row of working #i could do another work day no problem but uni is a struggle bc it takes so much mental work #i don't know gang idk what imma do i will wait and see what the academic advisors say #in the mean time i have elected not to go to any of my wednesday classes i dont have the energy #i might go to my cinema studies class this afternoon i enjoy movie watching

[nyxi-pixie]

the most important thing abt noah coming out is that the people going 'hehe how does our fav strAIGHT frat boy play that fucking gayass so well??😱😱' had to stfu😁👍

#its annoying when people do it abt anyone tbh #that was so fucking irritating lmfaoooo #me omw to remind the masses of hets and chronically online 12yr old queers whove never met a gay person irl that we're not a monolith🤩 #it doesnt escape my notice that yall say it more violently the second anyone so much as iMPLIES that they mighy not be straight #'speculating is bad' yes! but shockingly! yelling to the moon + back that them being not straight is impossible is not the best alternative #and perpetuates every dumbass stereotype #im so tired #also if you say hey maybe stop insisting theyre str8 for no reason every 5 seconds for a cheap joke abt the queer character they play #then everyone immediately is frothing at the mouth holding a chainsaw to ur throat #def not indirecting anyone w this😟 #i dont even remember who it was but someone was always putting those stupid noah straightest man in the world jokes on my dash #n i just used to stare at them like holy shit u guys are gonna be shocked when u encounter gay ppl outside of the internet. #my tags ran away from me again #but i hope u guys Hear Me on this shit bc this happens w every celebrity ever #and then ppl turn around and pretend the problem was ppl thinking they might be queer #instead of ppl refusing to believe theyre anything other than straight #anyway. #am a little late to posting abt him i know😔 have been so ia here recently but i saw it when it happened and am vv proud of him #<33 just to get a little of track at the end here #but yeah hes lovely and i wish people who were insisting he was straight would understand him as an examole that gay ppl arent all the same #but they wont cos they immediately turn to going 'omgggg our fav slayqueen i always knew hehehehe he just looks so fruitsalad' #heed my warnings i am a conduit of rage and violence and one day im going to use it on those ppl #oh fuck this was so many tags i am an unrestrained tag menace #a tennis if you will #aha like the game #anyway #byler #(<- it isnt but this is where i was seeing 'Straight Frat Boy Noah could never be gay' posts so.) #(not most of you tho<333 just a few) #right im going back to reading this 700k word fic from another fandom when will i return to tumblr?? who knows. not me

[depresseddepot]

don't know how to describe it without metaphors. audhd feels like I have 10 strings hooked into my body pulling me in opposite directions and leaning towards one string to try and "fix" that problem (cooking, cleaning, classwork, etc) just makes the other strings pull tighter and hurt more. this point of this whole post is to explain that when I see someone older than me who also struggles with exactly the same things to the same extent that I do, it makes a couple of those strings loosen and stop pulling. not forever, because they always start pulling again, but having the expectation lifted of needing to have a "normal functioning life" by age whatever is so nice. everything still hurts but for now at least that part of my brain can rest.

#i understand how the reverse can seem too #but idk. its always been such a weight off my shoulders #probably in part for selfish reasons but it helps me like. slow down #like i cannot solve all of my problems tonight. i probably can't even solve them in the next 20 years #so i can slow down. other people are alive like this. other people make their lives work like this. i can do it too #i need to be medicated so fucking badly but i can't until im off my parents health insurance #and even then im so scared it'll make my autism symptoms harder for me to deal with and ill like. lose my job or something #but i can't fucking live like this so idk what to do! lmao! #ive been trying to pay closer attention to my anxiety and stress lately so i can pinpoint causes and like. try to stop them #but all ive learned is that i am never Not stressed. #if my room is cleaned im not eating well. if im exercising well im not cleaning well. #if im on top of classwork im not taking care of myself at all. etc etc #it is always a push and pull. i can't just solve these problems #because i have to clean well and eat well and exercise often and sleep well and cook often and socialize often and work hard and save money #and and and #im always not doing something to make room for something else and bc of that i will ALWAYS have those strings pulling me so tightly it hurts #i know in my head how i can loosen the strings but that all comes at the expense of living like a ''normal'' person #i will have a dirty house. i will have lots of canned and frozen foods. i will leave my house for work only. #im so tired my bones hurt. my strings are tight again and classes are starting again soon and my room is a mess and i ate like shit today #and i havent excersized in a while and im not showering as often as i should and im drinking too much and im sleeping too much #im so tired #vent #sorry #i feel like i need to curl up and die. like my body is sending some signal that there isn't much more i can fucking take #and that this continuous pushing and struggling and picking up the pieces is worthless #i feel like that blood robot. im old and rusted and slowing down and i have achieved nothing #i will die having not achieved anything and i will be struggling until my very last second #i shouldn't have been the twin that survived. they would have been so much better than this

[vanillabat99]

I think I might have another ulcer, since I'm experiencing the exact same thing as last time, however I refuse to spend my birthday in the hospital. I've been trying to ignore it for like a month now and I haven't been feeling worse, so hopefully waiting another week doesn't kill me!

I'm a little freaked out about it since if it is an ulcer, then I might have something a bit more serious going on. Last time we thought it was due to my painkillers, which I haven't taken since, so I have no idea what might be causing it this time. On top of all that, I'm likely going to have a lapse in insurance coverage and I have no idea how that would impact a sudden hospital trip. At the very least, my digestive system is fucked up 😔

#and i did just. stay on the medication they gave me for my ulcer last time since it helped with a whole bunch of stuff. #so idk what that means in terms of treatment options if it is an ulcer since like. whatever im taking now isnt stopping it. #like its been the best med so far for reflux issues and other tummy problems but lately its been acting up again #its highly likely that its because i stopped taking it twice a day and only kept up with once a day #i struggle so much with daytime medication 😭 i just do not have the motivation to take it :( #now is really the worst time for a medical scare and i just. im so tired. my heart is still fucked up and cardiology ghosted me. #still trying to figure out my therapy situation too. like. theres just so much going on ._. #i just gotta make it through friday. i just wanna have my birthday. after that i can have a medical emergency. #i swear to god i will be having my birthday. its like the only good thing that happens in spring. i need to make it through my birthday. #i am having a rough time. sorry for all the negative blogging the past few months. #batty blogging #text

[jimines]

.

#this is just a little vent/update on some stupid shit going on on here regarding someone i won’t name #but i need to talk about it and vent bc im so frustrated at this whole thing #so i cut a friend off recently.. told them in a *very* heated message how i felt about all the terrible shit they'd said and done recently #and demanded they do not try to contact me anymore and blocked them immediately after #no surprise 5mins later i got two anons from them in my inbox trying to start a fight however i blocked the IP after those two #i even went so far as to disable my webpage for a few days to try and deter them both from sending anons and from stalking my page #and i shouldnt have had to unblock them to tell them for the second time to leave me alone and to stop trying to start things with me #because the last time we argued it was six weeks of emotional damage that i am still really messed up from #after all this it was radio silence - or so i thought #because i've received word now twice that this person has been saying untrue things to friends of friends #trying to start drama and rumours all because i cut them off and they didn't get that fight and that last word they so desperately need ? #i just…why? why why why? why does everything have to become a drama? this is why narcissists scare me.. #it took me over a year to realize thats what they are and that id been manipulated so fucking bad.. which is nothing short of embarassing #the way this anxiety has been weighing on my chest lately and dulling my time here is something that shouldnt be happening #im so so tired of all of it.. the drama and the fights and the rumours.. i physically cannot go through this kind of thing again #idk if anyone is reading this but im sorry for being so absent and unresponsive and (often times) really negative on my blog #its just so hard to be happy and positive and excited when this potential drama is looming over me day after day ya know? #im trying to push through and be here because i genuinely WANT to be here but its so fucking exhausting sometimes im constantly paranoid #i pray things will come to a rest and nothing will explode bc mentally i cannot take it anymore and i wont be sticking around in that case #i refuse to put myself through the emotional trauma that nicole put me through again. i REFUSE. so if i suddenly deactivate this is why. #but i wont be going down alone thats for sure #c.text

[rotturn]

every day on this trip is worse

#i can not stand my sister at all i truly can't #she's been yelling and arguing for 10 minutes because she has her hair straightner but mum doesnt have a plug converter #and she keeps yelling ab how her fringe is fucked when it looks literally the same as it has this entire trip #and is yelling ab how its mums fault as if she couldn't have bought this shit herself before we left #i am just. so over this #any fun that would come from being on an international trip is immediately taken away by my mum and sister constantly getting angry #and either yelling or getting passive aggressive and making me feel horrible its just so tiring #bc i feel like such a fucking asshole for not enjoying an international trip that i will never get the opportunity for again #like this cost so much money and it feels awful to say i dont want it or that its not fun or whatever #but i am constantly dissociating and trying not to cry and ive had meltdowns and panic attacks almost every day but im not allowed to show #them bc my sister tells me to calm down and not be so dramatic and everything is a sensory nightmare #and i have a very specific diet at home and its not available outside of nz and there arent really any worthy substitutes and even if there #are i wont know bc i dont speak the languages so im just living on shitty little protien drinks and hot chocolate which makes me feel worse #and on top of it all im sick and i havent had any chance to rest bc my sister wont stop ab going places and doing thingd #and gets pissy if i dont want to #and its just so fucking difficult i knew that being stuck w them for 2 months would suck but its been 1 week and i cant do this anymore #i have no other option but i seriously don't know what to do i don't know how to handle this im at my limit #travelling is stressful and anxiety inducing and its hard enough doing it once on my own #let alone every 2 or 3 days w family that rushes and runs late and has 10000 bags that never fucking fit on the trains #and its always me left standing in the aisle blocking peoples path with nowhere to go bc my sisters giant suitcase wont fit anywhere #i hate this so much and its making me hate all the cities and countries we go to bc i dont get to experience the places i only get #to experience fucking breakdowns and im constantly drinking water bc im constantly dehydrated from either crying or panicked breathing #its a mess and i hate it and i want to go home I haven't felt comfortable or safe since i left home and i wont feel either until i go back #but that isnt until the last couple days of january so i just have to keep dealing with things getting worse by the day #negative cw #rant cw #ask to tag cw

[bubbled-clouds]

local enby finds out they Aren’t built different, they just fail to see themselves as a human being

#have not given proper acknowledgment and acceptance to my emotions in over a month #and boy oh boy is it kicking me in the fucking ass rn </3 #guys. unfortunately you Can’t ignore your emotions and hope it’ll make the ick feeling go away. #CRAZY. #nah ive been so Tired lately despite getting lots of sleep and just constantly overstimulated and frustrated like. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM !!! #MAKE IT STOP !!!! #(i say. fully knowing how i can actually make it stop yet refuse to do so.) #bee rambles #just my silly little thoughts and my silly little worries over my grades and friends and family and future #writing this post gave me gender euphoria tho so that was a slay #I HAVE TO REFER TO MYSELF AS S H E irl and its Disgusting #oh yeah my gender dysphoria has gotten Significantly More Bad #IDK WHY. #i js. have been hating my hair. and just. #why can i not take the physical form of a box :( #ok thats all #hopefully it gets better lmao #who knows #silly lil post

[magnoliamyrrh]

.

#i cant help but think that were making a mistake in planning to do social/ppl work. in doing anthropology in the first place #ive never been good with people #i dont know if i ever will be #nor am i particularly fond of being surrounded by people constantly and infact i quite value my silence #... i can never seem to quite get the hang of interactions. of how to talk of how to move of how to speak #and while i have spend years pretend i do. it has only left me tired #... what am i to do exactly if this is what we go into? what happens if almost inevitabley it is me and not somebody else on a day when we #must deal with people - be it attempting to help or large groups of them or whatever it may be #.... i feel like im being signed up for a life of exhaustion if we do this. i am too quiet. i am too much of a solitary creature #.. what we should have done is gone to veternay school instead. which is what we wanted to do for some years anyway. still helping. less #people work though ... #. i could have done that so much more easily #...... it has taken me too many years of this life to stop hating humans all together. i can understand them. for survivals sake. but this #is all. i have yet to learn to trust them much nor have they given me much reason to nor do i see much benefit to doing so #i am tired. of the nonsencial cruelty. of all of it. #perhaps i do not wish to spend years trying to help beings which i barely trust #what happens if. as it happens at times. i end up being the one to front for days or weeks or months? it seems like a recipe for disaster #we truly should have just worked with animals instead that is something we can all easily do #. its too late now anyway #last year of college. there is no time or money or energy for another degree #my fate seems to be sealed and for months or perhaps years now ive been - i would say turning in my grave but i suppose im not yet dead - #over this.. and now it truly is past time #..... it was a mistake as well that we did not stick to horseback riding in highschool. no. instead we listened to people and parents and #family. do this do that you can do so much better et fucking cetera. those highschool years of academic insanity wrecked this body. wrecked #it. college was too much when we were so mentally and physically ill #.... life could have been different now #if we had stuck to it

[mis-calculated]

When the beginnings of a months long mental breakdown hits you like a ton of bricks at 1am

#every time i go to the psychiatrist and she asks how i am im always like #welp. im better than that one time i couldnt get out of bed for three months a year ago so im probably thriving #but uhh. i think things have been building in the background i guess and only now have i actually inventoried all of them to realize #we are probably like a solid two and a half steps from having a yearly mental breakdown and only getting closer #work sucks ass #i dont think i can mentally student teach #i dont think i can even mentally teach #im so tired and burnt out most of my free time these days #im not looking forward to the suite #i feel like i dont really have friends #thinking about my recital makes me want to throw up #i feel like every professor doesnt really know me or care that i exist #i want the world to just stop for a while so i can take some time and not feel so anxious and angry and on my own and like im drowning #instead of fucking up another school semester having a mental health crisis and subsequently being a further dissappointment to my mother #its been so long since ive wandered aimlessly around durham late at night hoping that the bad thoughts will go away #quarantine vents

[friedbreadwombat]

Me giving my pokemon dumbass names: ha ha

People watching my screen from somewhere in the walls or something:

#the data corrupted and my team died #rip murica i will miss you and your birb wings and aerial ace #i will see you in lavender town my child #why does this sound so much like loss #50% chance of normal name 50% chance of child leaving mother in like 2 decades #why am i so sure someone was named bob #mightyena slaps if you know how to use it some of yall just dont have brain cells and it shows #normalise using early game pokemon in late play tyranitar isnt everything you dumbass you have no idea how hard luxray slaps #you are missing out #its too tiring to get a gible i didnt discover the secret cave I had no patience i dont care garchomp isnt worth it anymore #just use whatever you want no one can stop you so use that buneary bc thats how you get lopunny #i stan pachirisu guy #seriously how is it fun if youre just using like what 4 'good' pokemon because youre scared of losing #love all your children equally not love them like youre a boomer parent #otherwise you raise lifeless soulless children and fixed statpools because yall cant be bothered to try anything else #this is a game for fucks sake have some fun or go put your ego someplace better like overwatch or something #i love cynthia and her garchomp but please #ive committed mass homicide with a bibarel and it was beautifil #underlevelled and all I like doing underlevelled fights #i also just dont care #if grimsley doesnt prove you can kill someone with a purrloin I can do it #games are complicated more than you think and beautiful and fun yall just dont wanna play really