#but at the end of the day i like to think ppl come back to a few scenes sometimes

[my-castles-crumbling]

I have a problem Cas… I think im in love. 

Okay so, there’s this girl. We’ve been best friends like 5 years. I mean i’ve always- okay I don’t know how to explain this. 

I’m basically a fan-fiction come to fucking life. 

So i’m Demisexual, and last year I decided to come out to my family. I don’t know if other Demi ppl have preferences of gender, but I don’t. Honestly labels confuse me. I’m not sure if technically i’m Biromantic and Demisexual but hey, the point is- and what I explained to my family- that i’d be open to dating anyone. 

Basically i was telling them I wasn’t straight. (Obviously Demisexual is also about sexual activities and people and stuff but I wasn’t gonna try and explain to my parents that I don’t really get attracted to random ppl- cause they don’t get it- and I didn’t want to accidentally start talking abt sex). 

So anyway, they were not happy. Have you watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine? There’s this clip where the character Rosa comes out as Bi and her parents are like “That’s okay, since you can still date a man and marry a man and be normal” and they were like that for me (i’m a girl in case that wasn’t obvious- so they wanted me to date a man).

And I didn’t really care to be honest. I had an equal level of straight friends to queer friends, I felt suitably in both worlds. I truly love my family. They’ve always been good to me. But they did imply if I did end up with a girl, they wouldn’t want to meet/know her.

Not to mention the religious trauma. I spent a shit ton of time listening to ppl tell me that same-sex marriage and relationships are a “sin”. Hell- there was this one rlly lovely women at church when I was like 9, but she got kicked out when they congregation found out she was a lesbian. (Okay- not kicked out but like bullied into leaving).

So it was fine for me to accept that I could potentially date a women since i’ve never felt immediate attraction to anyone, it never felt totally real. 

BUT NOW I HAVE A PROBLEM. So my best friend (who is also a girl) of 5 years. She’s amazing. She’s literally the funniest person i’ve ever met, she’s so generous and has helped me so much, and she’s just adorable. She’s like fucking sunshine. And ngl, I don’t often like people who are so cheery all the time because it feels fake and I like people around me to be honest. 

But she just, she has this way of finding the beauty in the stupidest things and it’s so cute. We got splashed by a car the other day, drenched both our outfits, and instead of being mad, she got all excited and had us do a photoshoot in our crazy soaked clothes, and then got all excited that we could cuddle under a duvet and watch a movie with snacks once we got home cause apparently that’s the only acceptable thing people can do after being covered in water (which is exactly what we did).

And she’s not unreasonably happy, you know? Like when people try to cheer people up at bad times and make everyone more sad, she’s not like that. Whenever i’m upset, or mad, she’ll doodle these cute little flowers on coloured paper and write things she loves about the world on the back of them, and once i’m done ranting abt how annoying the world is, she’ll give it to me and smile. She has the best smile.

I have this jar, I write the date on them and put the paper in the jar. 

We’ve been best friends five years, she started doing that like four years ago and i’ve had the jar pretty much from the start. 

It’s always been easy to be around her. We sort of knew each other for like a year, and then I blinked, and we were best friends. I read all the books she gives me even though the plot is super cheesy cause she loves talking about them, I learnt how to bake all her favourite snacks her mum made, cause she’s pretty far from home and honestly a tragic baker. And she cooks dinner (don’t ask how she can’t bake to save her life but is the most incredible cook, it’s unbelievably ridiculous) for us a lot, she learnt to make my fav food. 

We technically live together, we’re at the final year of uni (maybe not tho depending on our next courses, I dunno) so we’ve been living together this year, but before that, I basically spent most of my time around her place anyway.

So yeah, we’re friends. But I realised a few months ago that i’m pretty, definitely, in love with her. I think i’ve felt like this for about a year and it just hadn’t quite clicked yet. 

(I had this awful day and came back to our place to see her genuinely painting our wall a different colour of white. She paints as a hobby and accidentally splatter a ton of blue paint on the wall and freaked out and tried buying white paint to cover it when it wouldn’t wash of and she was sat on the floor with white paint all over her and the wall still blue. 

She told me the story and I burst out laughing. I explained you often need white primer first, to cover the blue, and then to buy the correct shade of white, since ours was sort of chill white and she’d bought bright white. 

It’s the type of thing that would’ve annoyed me so much at the end of such a tough day, but because it was her, I just found it adorable. That’s when it clicked, I love her. She noticed I was tired immediately and felt bad cause she realised i’d had a bad day. I said this cheered me up, cause it did. Then we made dinner together and spent the night reading on the sofa with music on. 

We went to the shop the next day to get the correct stuff and luckily our wall is back to looking almost exactly the same). 

So yeah, I love her. Plus like, being demi, I don’t usually find ppl attractive… I mean i’ve always known she’s aesthetically pleasing, she has good fashion sense and stuff, but like, I tend to view all people as the same sort of level of attractive. BUT NOW ITS LIKE- SHES FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. It’s kind of annoyingly actually. How is everyone not spending all day gazing at her eyes. They’re fucking caramel, like a book character. She says they’re brown but she’s wrong. In dull lighting they seem brown but they’re like dark orange (amber i guess) with little hues of green, but in the sun they’re really bright and caramel and warm. 

She’s a lesbian btw. So theoretically I’ve got a shot. Also, i’ve always been good at reading people and I know she’s had like a small crush on me at least twice in our friendship. You can tell sometimes. 

But recently, it’s been a wreck. I’m so distracted cause i’m in love with her I can’t think, and my friends keep telling me she loves me back but I can’t keep my head on straight long enough to try and tell. 

But. If I do get my head out of my ass and tell her and she does end up wanting to date me, what the fuck am I supposed to do then. Cause if it does work out, i’m pretty sure it’ll last. 

My parents never totally liked her (they probably saw this coming- but I think in the homophobic, all queer ppl date each other, way and not the, they’re meant to be together, way) and if ended up having to tell them i’m actually dating a women, they’d be pissed. 

I always thought i’d end up with man, since it’s easier. No religious guilt about that. But I can put aside my own brains stupidity for her. But I can’t change my parents. But aside from this, they’re literally amazing. But I also know them and I truly don’t think they’ll change.

All my friends having been saying me and her should’ve been dating this entire time. I don’t know, I like to think now would be kinda perfect. I always knew she was gonna be in my life forever, I guess I just got so used to imagining myself with a man I forgot she was an option? That I could be with her romantically forever. You know, assuming she wants to date me.

(We’ll see about that. I’m really not sure. But i’m totally shit at keeping my own secrets so i’m planning to tell her soon if not just for the sake of my own sanity. All my friends say she’ll reciprocate, if she doesn’t, then I guess i’ll go from there, she’s not the type to be weird or bothered that we live together despite it. And if she does… then I have to decide what to do next. My other best friend is literally always right when it comes to our friends dating lives, and she has faith we’ll end up together, so we’ll see I guess) 

But if she does. If she does I’ll have to get into it with my family. I don’t want to lie to them. And I know I shouldn’t judge, but I honestly don’t think they’ll change their minds. I think they’ll say I can come visit whenever, but not bringing my partner. And I won’t want that. And we’ll all argue.  

I never liked knowing my parents didn’t accept this side of me, but I guess I never considered it would be an actual problem i’d have to deal with someday. 

I spend a lot of my time trying to figure myself out. I haven’t had the easiest path in life. But with her, it’s so easy. It’s easier to understand what I like, it’s easier to talk about things, and I fully trust her not to be weird. Or leave. Or get mad for nothing. I don’t have to walk on eggshells around her. I trust her. We don’t argue much. We have, what she calls, three different type of arguments. 

One, “bad mood argues”. She finds it so hilarious that it rhymes. You have to say it with the syllables. Bad-Mood Ar-Gues. We have these cookies in the freezer that we make every month. If one of us is having a bad day, we cook a few cookies to eat and I bought this dumb fridge magnet of a cookie to put on the fridge to signify it’s a cookie worthy bad day. 

Another one is “justifiable anger”. That doesn’t happen much. When we first met, she had this tendency to not tell me when I did something that upset her, and it’d spiral, and i’d be mad she wasn’t talking about why she was mad. So we have a rule to always talk about problems, even the little things. For example, her yelling into the phone to her family for hours while i’m trying to study- she has planned days now, so I can go to the library or she can go out if necessary, or keep the convo below 45 min, her mums like half deaf so she does have to shout, but it’s also VERY loud. Basically we comprise. And make sure no anger builds up.

The third type of argument is, what our friends call, “married idiots”. As in, she shouldn’t use the siri talk thingy while driving cause it never understands what she’s trying to say and so I get jumbled texts that mean nothing and then she thinks she’s told me something she hasn’t told me. She’s nearly understanding that one 🤦‍♀️ And you know, the classic colour of something argument (it’s purple- she’s wrong).  

Anyway. I forgot my point. Oh yeah, everything’s easier with her. I feel comfortable. If i’m being totally honest… i’m pretty sure if I ask her out, she’ll say yes. Like 80% sure. Im just scared to fuck this up, and cause family problems. Cause yeah, she’s worth the drama, but also, it’s her that’ll be being insulted right? She very likely won’t be allowed in my house. I don’t want this to ruin what we already have. 

So yeah. That. I could really do with some advice ❤️

Hi <3

If you do not ask this girl out, I will physically pass away.

Like...I'm not usually so pushy with asks, but you're describing a relationship, hon. This is a relationship. I'm not sure if you follow me because of the Marauders, but you two are literally Wolfstar, And I'm shipping the two of you so hard right now.

If, for some insane reason, she turns you down, it's because she doesn't realize she's in love with you, too.

As far as your family...again, I'm going to be more blunt that usual. You're going to have to face their lack of acceptance for you at some point. It's absolutely shit that they don't accept you, but like...don't let that stop you from being with this girl. Because even if you put off their feelings now, you'll have to deal with it someday, and then you might miss out on an amazing girl.

Please update me. I need updates. I am so invested. I am DYING for updates.

God, I'm rereading all the things you wrote and I'm kicking and giggling. You two are ridiculously adorable. Please kiss her already (with consent).

I'm naming you purple anon. Please write back.

#ask #asks #ask cas #purple anon

[cool-person-yey]

ok but what are the puter voices trying to say????

or: my theory on what the fuck Chester&Norris have going on

so first of all, the voices are trying to communicate with the OIAR through reading the incidents, that's something that basically everyone has noticed, now here's the thing: what are they trying to say?

we only got one Augustus case ( at the moment I'm writing this) so I'm gonna leave him out of this.

anyways, now to the good part, first off let's start with our favorite whiny little toad:

Norris

Norris speaks in episodes 1, 3, 8 and 12

my theory is that Norris is trying to warn them of the consequences their actions (and choices because this is the "at the end of the day, you just need to make a choice" podcast) could have.

in episode 1, this one's a bit obvious, but it shows the consequences ( only " some parts" of their loved one coming back) of them trying to get the person they loved back.

in episode 3, it shows the consequences ( the guy turning into a fucking tree) of the ' statement giver' ( can't think of a better name sorry) killing his ex.

in episode 8, this one I'm not 100% sure tbh, like yeah the consequence is the guy getting a part of their body eaten, but the cause I'm not so sure. maybe the fact they accepted to go in the building ( even if they didn't understand why they did it. something something even if the choices are shitty you still made a choice), or maybe something relating to the ex-wife they mentioned earlier in the incident? that'd be a bit of a far reach, but I'm not discarding anything. It could also be just the fact that they applied and got hired for the job.

in episode 12, the consequences ( whatever the fuck that was. I'm still not over that) of Gwen giving Mr Bonzo that envelope. do i even need to say anything else?

now, to our beloved Archivist Spooky Computer Voice!

Chester

Chester speaks in episodes 1, 5, 7, 9 and 11

my theory is that Chester is trying to warn them to not fucking mess with that type of stuff, and if you're going to, fucking be ready

in episode 1, this one's a bit obvious, RedCanary choosing to explore the magnus Institute, and that resulting in... well, we still don't know yet it but it sure as hell didn't go well. that was a very clear " do not go to the fucking magnus institute manchester" and what did they do? go to the fucking magnus institute manchester

in episode 5 a warning about being desensitized to horror, the characters ( especially Alice) have mentioned dozens of times how they just don't get scared that much anymore, that episode was showing that that isn't always a good thing. also the more obvious don't trust spooky shit but eh

episode 7 it's a bit tricky, I'd say it's a warning to either a) hiring new people (aka Celia? maybe Chester doesn't trust her? idk) or b) trusting people, just like, in general?

episode 9, a warning about making choices, and how ppl are gonna make shitty choices bc they're in shitty situations— but hey, at the end of the day, you still made a choice. or simply about Spooky Artefacts™

episode 11 this one seemed to be very much targeted at Alice, and it seems to be warning her about the paranoia that a paranormal experience can give you. And considering Alice's earlier comment about being followed, I'd say the tattoo being the boat bring hunted by something is definitely something to consider.

but well, this is just a theory, a magnus protocol theory.

seriously tho, i love this initial point of every series cuz i can just make up a lot of connections that in the future prob won't make sense but like, we don't have shit so might as well make up our own lmao.

that being said, maybe i got a few things right! only time will tell. my goal is to say as much random theories as i can until i get atleast one (1) thing right.

thanks for reading all of this, and if you have any addition that you'd like to make feel free!

#tmagp #tmagp spoilers #the magnus protocol #tmagp theory #tmagp speculation #tmagp norris #tmagp chester

[deityofhearts]

I honestly just don’t get how people default to thinking southern accents are like unserious and unintelligent, I know I live in a bubble and I’ve never been outside of the south so like my world view is skewed but like idk I can’t like conceptualize hearing someone’s accent and going “your accent is too stupid and silly for you to have a brain” like ???

#deity dialogue #sorry I’m rlly half asleep #obvs my worldview is different cause I’m southern I’m surrounded by southern ppl I hear the accent all the time #so it’s like normal obvs but idk it still baffles me #idk if I ever go north are y’all gonna be mean to me cause I talk in a way that y’all perceive as stupid and lesser than how you do?? #I’ve already mentioned that even here we aren’t safe from the ‘haha youre a dumbass southern hick’ statements #which is rich cause like bitch who are you to be talking you live here too I don’t wanna hear you call me a red neck cause you’ve been here #for a long ass time to and I’m sure if you went up north they’d be on your ass the same way they’d be on mine #like what gives you the right? #like I will say also that I do make fun of the accent but in the way that lexi and I will be heatedly talking and get more southern with #each word and that amuses and delights us like idk it’s fun to look at someone who just said one word in a more extreme southern accent on #accident and repeat it back to them #but like at the end of the day we like being southern we don’t think there’s anything wrong with it or like inherently worth mocking #plus there’s a difference between two friends being silly and strangers telling you you’re a stupid redneck hick :) #this is also coming from someone who compared to other southern ppl doesn’t have the most strong southern accent (it’s there onvs but ya #know) and I still have to deal with this shit :/ #sorry I need to go to bed and shut up no one caressss

[northern-passage]

Genuine thought as a fellow trans dude, I’ve seen a lot of (obviously non-serious) questions on other blogs about characters’ genitals such as “how does it look like?” and similar, and I think we all know & understand that such questions are extremely inappropriate to ask and (I hope) no one would actually go around asking these questions irl. Idk, I think we should treat trans characters just like cis ones, without any special “precautions”, so to normalise them and not make cis people treat them like fragile boxes, a thing which happens to a lot of us irl. Hope this doesn’t come off as an attack or anything lol.

no worries, i didn't take this as an attack at all. i actually agree with you, that's why i mentioned feeling conflicted about it and also mentioned that i've changed my stance on how i felt about handling Noel and Clementine in game and in explicit intimate scenes.

however, for me the problem comes from the fact that people... don't ask these kinds of questions about cis characters? i suppose people do get cheeky "who is the biggest 🤪" asks but i would hardly compare the two. to be a bit crude, no one is going to be asking if a cis character has a dick or not, or "what does it look like". of course it's natural for people to be curious, and i honestly encourage the open discussion and am happy to see trans bodies being talked about more in a positive way, but not everyone is going to be comfortable with it due to the inescapable transphobia online and in the community. sending me that kind of ask is like sending out an invitation for a debate or a discussion that i don't necessarily want to have. i also just don't think people should default to asking a random IF author on tumblr dot com to describe what bottom growth looks like.

and with most of these asks typically coming from someone who is anonymous, i have no way of truly knowing what the tone is, what their intentions are or why this is being asked - is it another trans person? or maybe someone who is just genuinely curious? or, more likely in my experience, is it someone who is going to immediately follow up this message with something transphobic after i answer? do i want to roll the dice and find out?

so while i agree with what you're saying, it's important to consider the context and the reality we live in. the IF community is not kind to trans people or trans characters. and as a trans person, my first priority is protecting myself and my mental health. so what i mean when i say "precautions," is that those precautions are for me, because i've had to deal with transphobic harassment here for years now, and i try to mitigate it as much as i can. it's also for my personal comfort - again, to be blunt, i'm simply just not comfortable discussing a trans character's genitals with anonymous strangers on the internet. it makes me feel vulnerable.

also i do want to say i didn't mean for any of that to come across as a dig at other authors - if you're comfortable answering those kinds of questions, that's really only something you can decide for yourself. like i said, this is just coming from my own experiences in IF and for my own personal comfort - i have previously talked a lot about trans stuff and gender and sexuality here, when i'm feeling up to it, but it is something that is very draining for me and can also be very upsetting.

basically: i do agree that it's important not to other trans characters or treat them any differently than cis characters, but i also think there are ways to do it that don't require me answering invasive questions or questions that i don't feel comfortable with as a real life trans person, you know what i mean?

#hopefully this better explains what i was trying to say #again no worries anon i've had this exact conversation before with other trans people #and it's something that i don't think has a perfect solution esp with the current... climate #and especially online with the anonymity it makes these topics really touchy. you don't know who is reading this or who is interacting #if it's sincere or in bad faith #things have changed a lot in the IF community for the better but it's still not safe and i always advocate for an author to protect #themself first #back when i started tnp it was not at all common for ppl to list characters as cis #really it was only nb or trans characters that got listed in that way #and it's why i chose not to do that and why i wanted the player to find out lea and merry was trans at the same time as the hunter #same with noel and clem and their privacy #giving them that agency was important to me #and it's still important to me now #but i got a lot of harassment because of that. the lea reveal didnt even end up in game it was on the blog and it was weeks of harassment #afterwards that still makes me anxious to this day whenever i talk about lea's transness #so basically like. it comes down to what someone is comfortable with and what they're mentally able to handle #edit: thinkin abt it more &im going to be honest if someone sent me an ask that said ‘what does it look like’ i would be very Not Happy #like cis people & cis characters do Not get treated that way so why would i allow it for my trans characters #so i stand by saying that these asks are inappropriate like. i obviously dont know the context of what ur referencing #but that’s a hard no from me personally either way #to me as a trans person that question in itself is othering and objectifying #ask #anonymous

[piplupod]

also while im at it (and by it i mean probably making a fool of myself) i do want to say when i say that i am kind of stupid i am being so genuine. my reading comprehension is so dirt poor.

school did a shit job of teaching me anything and i suppose then it should've been on me to fill in the gaps (grand canyon sized gaps in this case but i digress) but i was struggling just to get thru the days as it was. in english class i learned to just ask my classmates what they thought the answer was to symbolism/meaning questions and then sift thru what they said to find the bits that seemed correct (based on patterns i'd noticed in previous assignments of books/plays/films/etc) and then mash it together until it resembled an original idea. so i never actually learned to think for myself and i'm SOOO MAD at myself for that. did i get thru school with decent grades because of it? yeah sure. but now i haven't even done anything w those good grades except take a couple office admin and accounting/bookkeeping college certificates that im never going to use bc [gestures at my whole situation].

and now i've got piss poor reading comprehension, and i feel foolishly proud of myself when i watch a movie and i figure smth out independently that i then end up learning is like... baby's first symbolism. just skimming the surface of understanding. the sort of thing that everyone else figured out right off the bat and it took me maybe two days of analyzing the movie to figure it out.

head in my hands !!!!!!

#i vaguely attempted to bring this up to my mother the other day #in a sort of . laughing at myself way. #and she basically said ''oh well we all have our strengths :)'' and implied that i would not be able to like... improve this #anyways i need to go start reading books again properly and get into fucking highschool reading lists or smth #where they've got like. book club questions written at the back of the book sort of thing. #if anyone wants to join me in my endeavour we can start a little book club or smth. i say knowing full well im terrified of socializing #i miss when there was a book club in like... grade 5 or 6... it was so fun to discuss books with a few classmates ;-; #also im writing this as if im talking to someone who is going to bite my head off - sorry if it comes across as aggressive or caustic 😭 #i get nervous and start thinking everyone is shaking their heads at me and being annoyed by me constantly #and then end up writing things sarcastically to like. try to avoid ppl being shitty. but that never works so idk why i keep doing that fjks #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[wildflowercryptid]

honestly, i think the idea of red stepping out of the spotlight and settling down into a quiet life is a fun outcome for them. dude just wants to rest, let them be a househusband or something.

#i haven't thought about mjv!red nearly enough so they're on my mind #i actually really like the idea of him opening a pokemon daycare back in pallet town #at the end of the day they just really love pokemon so i think getting to look after them would make them happy #additional layer to this is that red isn't mjv!red's real name it's just a nickname #( their actual name is hajime ) #so ppl come to their daycare and don't realize they're speaking to THE red ( they prefer it that way ) #'' ya know i heard that red grew up here do you know them? '' red vc : nah #red is the tony hawk of the pokemon universe #they do still enjoy battling so they'll come out of the woodwork to join competitions sometimes #hc : (pkmn) mjverse #chara : hajime ''red'' himura #mj.txt

[infizero]

showing my growth by rejecting the “every ship gets happily married and becomes wonderful parents to lovely children” mindset and admitting that many pairings should just not be parents

#long gone are my days of woobifying shadow and sanitizing sonadow down to aw cute hedgehogs and one of them is traumatized #they are RIVALS and shadow will never be that lovey dovey with sonic even if they have been dating for 30 years thats just not who he is #they can find happiness/contentment in each other like i imagined but that sprinkle of toxicity would never rlly go away #and again even if theyre perfectly happy existing like that. not a good environment for a kid! #i dont even imagine them getting married anymore like i still like my idea of the ''cat orphanage w a chao garden'' house that they live in #but they wouldnt be married. they'd be partners and sonic would live there. but he'd ''live there'' in the same way he lives with tails #in that. its a place to come back home to when needed but a lot of the time hes just elsewhere exploring and having adventures and stuff #and shadow would probably tag along on a lot of these adventures. but not all of them #also feeds into part of my idea for the future which has always been present which is just. sonic being romantically involved w a couple #other ppl (knuckles for example) #those relationships dont have a label theyre just friends and then sometimes theyll kiss or go on dates or something #he and shadow are partners. thats concrete. everything else is just fluid/undefined (also should clarify that this is in like a poly way lol #shadow is aware of these relationships and has no problem with them and sonic knows that) #anyways i didnt mean to ramble but i have been thinking about this recently #how i'd modify my older idea of sonadow in the future #thats the end. ps once again promoting the poly sonic agenda. if you look at him and you dont think hes poly. youre just wrong im sorry #(excluding aroace sonic enjoyers for obvious reasons lol) #serena.txt

[chrisbangs]

hello... (and bye ig 👋)

#👋😭 hi... #i haven't come on in about a month and i didn't realize a month passed by like that... i've kinda stopped using any apps on my phone #i barely even talk to my friends anymore lol 😭 #i just saw my follower count this morning and realized i hit 13k and i was like 🥸 huh... #uhhhhhhh 😭 idk i wanted to say thank you i guess 🫂 #i'm done with stayblr and tumblr in general 😭 this much has been obvious for a while now... i tried to fit myself back in during 5star but #i think i realized i've outgrown the vibes here and in online spaces in general... i don't really enjoy it anymore 😭 which is weird cause #i've used tumblr since i was in middle school so 🫡 end of an era some would say... #i think it sucks because i don't have the same feelings about this place or skz or anything in my life right now... i tried to ignore it bu #it's so obvious now that the entirety of december passed without me really talking to a single person / without me using social media / #without me really doing much except for like homework and assignments lmao #i think genuinely i've stopped enjoying everything i used to like and i don't know why 😭 it hit me the other day bc i don't even enjoy #pc collecting anymore which is CRAZY considering how much time and money i've put into that hobby so 👋🥸 who knows what goes on #i haven't consumed any skz content since rockstar dropped 😭 and that also feels weird to me... idk... i would say maybe i'm going through a #depressive episode but i don't really feel how i do then... i think i'm just tired like i always am and that's just how i am now .. i think #i'm just not really interested in things anymore? weird but .. yeah idk😭 if i knew what was wrong i would Fix It sndjdndkd mostly i'm just #sad because i haven't been talking to friends... i keep ignoring everyone and not replying to any texts from anyone because ???? #i tell myself i will do it later but i know i won't ... idk i genuinely don't know why i'm struggling to talk to ppl anymore 😭 i've become #even more of a reclusive hermit than i already was 💀 and the worst part is i feel normal abt it #i don't feel /bad/ i just feel guilty that i'm not replying to ppl bc i don't want to hurt ppls feelings... on my end i feel Normal abt it #like i ??? is it weird that i'm so detached from everything that not even a month ago made me so happy..? that's weird right 😭 like idgi #i don't feel (as) depressed (as i usually do) but clearly ?? smth is wrong ?? like ik i'm not a clingy sentimental person but ? it kinda #makes me sad wondering if i really don't care abt ppl anymore ... but i think 😭 it's also the object permanence issues that come with adhd #not seeing or talking to the ppl i love . not doing my hobbies or seeing the groups i care abt . makes it easy to not care or forget what #they make me feel etc etc ... i get it... but idk 😭 if that's what this is . well wow it sucks ASS.. cause i feel guilty for not feeling #anything at all ... 😭 idk how to explain that HENSKDNISJS anywayyyy 💀 #i came on cause i wanted to say thank you for 13k followers 😭‼️ and that i probably will not be online anymore unless i really want to say #this was a really long winded way to say i feel bad but i'm done with stayblr fr 👋🥸 i tried so hard for the last 2 years to make it feel #like home again but it stopped ages ago so 🥹 that's ok.. i still cherish my memories here 🫂 anyway thanku and sjsjsksksks bye i guess 😭 #who knows maybe i'll enjoy it one day again and come back :') never know what the future holds 🫡

[basslinegrave]

thinking about the sonic 2 premiere i went to alone, at like 3pm (it was def early afternoon but not sure when) with just like 5 other people in the room (moms with kids) and how everyone left before the credits ended and i was sitting there Gripping the fuck out of the seat in front of me after the whole movie and then seeing post creds shadow i yelled (quietly) (sorry to the staff guy coming in to clean) it was the best movie experience ive ever had cant believe its been almost 2 years now

also the very next day i went to see it again with a friend to show him what the fuck i just saw and also make sure what i saw was actually real and not a daydream

#what i wish fnaf was like #rewatched the movie so many times most of it doesnt feel good anymore and i cringe hard at some spots #but it has amazing scenes still. ofc all the stob ones (which killed me in the cinema) but also the super sonic ending ate #the tails scenes were kinda ass and the humans are so so #i liked the wedding scene when i first saw it but i do agree it was too long. it should be about furry aliens and not random ppl #unless its stone #also toms actor i forgot your name but youre not all that im sorry. the gag reel of him dancing i could do without it thx #i hope jim comes back one last time and they work with shadow somehow but there should also be a big threat #thinking about chaos would be cool. im also expecting chaos emeralds collecting #if its meant to be a trilogy and then a wrap up they need to go out with a bang #buut i feel like they could do more mini series after like knuckles (if it ever sees the light of day) or make spinoffs #a shadow spinoff of him looking for his past would literally write itself honestly #they could do less of the humans and not focus on robotnik and stuff maybe even do some portal traveling off earth

[crimeronan]

entering the kind of depression era wherein posts encouraging people to think of nice things in their lives make me start crying because i can't think of anything except for things that also just make me hate myself (ie: my family is very nice to me about how i'm too fucking useless to do my job or chores or errands or anything other than lay in bed). probably i will end up logging outta this blog if this continues for much longer because i don't really like who i am currently nor do i have the capacity to pretend to be anything else anymore and i'd prefer to post on this blog when i can actually, like, perform personhood adequately. if i do vanish in the coming days you can assume i'm taking a normal sabbatical unless papika or faewaren post that i'm dead/hospitalized/whatever. peace and love genuinely thanks for all the support ✌️💕👍

#autoimmune tag #i famously do not cry on my bipolar meds. except i've cried nearly every day since the beginning of june #i reached the end of my rope on the first and have yet to recover apparently. #things that have made me cry today: #inability to do like 80% of the things on the pride goals post i specifically made to be as easy as possible #bad feeling in the physical body #thinking about how nothing matters and nothing i do matters and i will never be able to take care of or help anyone #inability to come up with any delights of the day #inability to think of anything remotely good about the day so far except rafi being kind and pitying me excessively bc i should be dead #etc #i'm clearly in no shape to be posting on a blog where ppl are here for fun fandom content and general hopeful vibes so. yeah #i gotta go. the only thing holding me back is that i already am bored and unhappy laying in bed all day #WITHOUT removing my hour or so of mindless scrolling per day. so #negative

[awek-s-archived]

it sure is hard having a 50 year old child when ur 25 lol

#im tired of raising my mom i rly am it takes such an emotional toll #i love her but its gotten to the point where sometimes she will just come home or walk into a room or #yell one time and it just drains my energy immediately #and every time i have like a bad mental health day or think back abt the decades of abuse im still recovering from bc of my brother #(it only ended last year so i have a lot of recovery to do) #i remember how she basically totally ignored all of it #and only took it seriously when it started to happen to her last year as well #and the other day she was like oh i had a panic attack once and she started trying to explain what they were to me im like mom i literally #have anxiety. im mentally ill. i get panic attacks all the time. #she thinks im a weirdo for it and that i need to grow up but when SHE had it it was different #like its just a lot to deal w lmao #obviously she helps me a lot but its like it takes more to raise a kid than giving them a roof under their head i feel like #a lot of ppl forget this #and we didnt even always have a roof either not that homelessness was any of our choice #but u know what i mean #like emotionally ive been parenting my mom since i was 5 years old its really srarting to eat away at me now #aweks.txt

[yuribalisms]

Essentially what it is all boiling down to is I have fully realized I am bad at being a person, that will always be true, and I don’t know how to handle that

#I’m going to be depressing and self depreciating in the tags so. fair warning to anyone who reads them #I’ve known for a while now that I don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve thought of a few ideas but none of them seem to be working. and I #think a good chunk of what it’s boiling down to is that I am quite literally just stupid when it comes to an actual useful real life skills. #and it’s frustrating because I can’t even talk to ppl I know and confide in them that I feel dumb and stupid without them being like ‘nooooo #don’t say that! you’re not stupid! you were top of your class in hs!’ (that is their favorite thing to fall back on) but like. the thing is #I wasn’t even smart in hs. sure I did good but that’s because I cheated my way through and got lucky a lot. I never actually learned anythin #I never understood what I was being taught or how to apply it. I was good at English and art classes and that was it those were the only one #I truly felt I knew what I was doing in and grasped the subject matter well. I know I’m good at those two things and smart when it comes to #those subjects. but the thing is. in real life. both of those are useless skills. I can’t make money with them and it is highly unlikely #that will ever change. and yes I know not being able to make money with it doesn’t mean it’s useless but like it kinda does. capitalism #sucks. I know that. we all do. but that doesn’t change that we live in a capitalist society and it’s unlikely to actual change in my lifetim #so I’m stuck to try and figure out how to live in it. but I have no skills I can make money with so I will live my entire life poor and #miserable and working dead end jobs that make me want to kill myself. I’m not good at socialization I’m so fucking bad at it so I can’t work #any kind of job that hinges on networking or sales or human interaction which is MOST JOBS but I’m also too stupid for anything related to #STEM. I tried two different stem degrees and flunked out of both of them because I am a FUCKING IDIOT and I know there’s no point in trying #to go back to school for another one. but no degree in anything I naturally have a knack for will help me find a decent well paying job. ill #just be wasting my money to go to school for something like that. and then like. I don’t even think I’ll ever get married and I def won’t #ever have kids. so I can’t even put any hopeful stock in just being happy with a family one day. I know a lot of ppl who don’t like their #careers but they’re fine with that because they’re happy with their family but like I don’t even have that and I won’t ever have that. I #have NOTHING to strive for and NOTHING I am good at that’s meaningful I’m going to fail at having a career and a family and I know that #doesn’t mean I won’t be happy in theory but by societal standards I am and always will be a fucking failure of a person and since I do live #in this society yeah. it’s kinda fucking true. and I don’t know what to do about that. I’m just tired. I’m tired of being afraid and #struggling and going through patches of wanting to kill myself because of this because like what’s the point. I’ll never have anything #better so what in the actual hell is the point of me existing. and I know I’m being ridiculous and my brain is eating itself and none of #this is probably even true but that doesn’t change that it FEELS like it is a lot of times and esp right now and I don’t know what to do #to anyone who reads this I’ll be fine tbh prob as soon as tomorrow like dw about it I just need to get it out so I stop stewing in it. #I’m just. yeah. not having a great time rn but I left work so I’m gonna cry and then maybe sleep for a bit and hope that helps #kaz rambles

[binders-and-beanies]

Guilt tripping me for being busy and tired and disabled will not make me less busy and tired and disabled nor will it make me want to carve out time for u any sooner lol

#dude i Just finished the semester. in the 3 days since it ended I’ve had a drag show and a trip 2 hours+ away #and I have another class that starts today and is faster paced than regular classes. #and I move back to campus in less than a month for work. #so I have like a few weeks to do everything that’s needed done for months + several more trips #ofc I wanna also see the people I care abt especially ones I’m physically closer to rn but chill I literally just got back #I HATE when ppl make me feel bad for not having time or not making them my number 1 priority and think that’s like. cute. or will work #like oh shit u got me let me just start having free time. for u. not bc I’m extremely burnt out and fatigued and miss having hobbies #even if I could choose to just have any given day free I wouldn’t do so if that’s how ur gonna act #shaming me is not cute it does not work it makes me wanna just isolate and that’s coming from an absolute extrovert #anyways catch me spending time w my new main partner on a weekly basis bc they’re actually Cute Clingy and not guilt trippy clingy #mine #txt #personal

[loves2spwge]

theres just something so !!!!!!!! insane about jimbo being the one to suggest cannibalism. TO ME. bc i get to be like, ok, marsh family cannibal gene? idk who jimbo is related to but it maybe skips everyone except for stan. although i would really love grandpa marsh or sharon to have it too. i think, for me, these two people have the most interesting relationship with stan and having them like, ugh, idk cope and learn to be and accept who you are, and killing too ofc, with stan would be really neat. with jimbo too!!!

#i have so many cannibalism au ideas bc cannibalism is just so sexy to me<3 #i love thinking of kyle who would abandon stan bc its too much for him but coming back anyway #knowing your bf could devour your entire being and you let him #theyd have to work through so much shit bc theyre complicated! but idc!!! thats why i love style so much #at the end of the day its about stankyle being together and loving with their whole being #deranged moment u_u #but also south park was so fucked up and i love a 90s idea where some ppl are cannibals and its like #'yeah theyre an eater. its whatever.' #unless its new ppl arriving into town or visiting and then its like ummm be careful ^_^

[robotpussy]

since i didnt get any internships last month I have to do the documentary module for this semester and I literally have no idea what subject I should do my documentary on and I have to pitch to the board in like 2 weeks 😭

#all i know is its gonna end up being about race because that is something I am very passionate about #and honestly i just want to yell about racism in front of these white ppl one day they get on my nerves! i want to be angry #and i want to use film to express that but I dont know what exactly it should be about? #i was thinking maybe something about how there are different generations in this country that have different views on colonialism #or black people in creative scenes in the UK like film music art etc and the racism they face and endure #or even racism in the dating scenes over here or why so many areas with large multicultural populations in the UK have bad #reputations but i dont think any of these are strong enough ideas and i need to develop them and go deeper plus i might find i want to #talk about something else but i just know its going to come back around to talking about racism and antiblackness

[pepprs]

i don’t know how to explain that since march 2020 with each new horrible thing happening in the world i shrink further and further into myself and away from connection and hope

#i told that friend i would call them today but then i woke up 6 minutes after roe v wade got overturned. and i can’t call that friend. i #can’t even tell them why. i can’t even talk to my family or even look at them. i can’t even stand on my feet for too long or get anything #done. i can’t reply to any texts or act on any urgent emails. i can’t draw or play piano or do anything to destract myself. all i can do is #scroll and read and be very very still and very very quiet. i don’t even have the energy to cry #in December and February and may i had spells lasting days at a time of being unable to function because such horrible things were happening #all at once and i just couldn’t process it anymore. and it’s gonna happen over and over again more and more frequently and there truly is #nothing i can do to stop it without getting the energy back but every time i think im almost there something happens and i crash back down #all over again. really and truly preparing to leave for brighton was the beginning of the end for me and i don’t know if i will ever get #back to how hopeful and connected and whatever i felt. and living in lockdown all over again doesn’t help but i don’t have the strength to c #change that either. im just tired and everyone is walking all around me right now as i type this and im bristling and want to scream #purrs #delete later #not that i was at all like entirely hopeful or whatever and certainly not that things were good pre covid. but something happened when covid #happened and ever since it’s been like. relentless misery. strings of sad days. no end in sight #i think the best and most helpful things i could do wrt this specific issue are a) open my home to people #seeking abortions who can’t get them in their state / provide travel / resources for them to come here (i can contribute to travel funds #financially but need to learn to drive and find a place to live before i can offer space and transportation resources) and b) keep talking a #about reproductive rights / trying to educate ppl who are skeptical etc etc as someone who would not exist without them. and also c) keep #trying to build collective power and learn to become a better community organizer and open people up to the possibilities that arise when we #recognize ourselves as co-creators of our future and understand that the future is not fixed (which i think aoc said or something and i watc #watched smth on that last night that i think she was part of and it was encouraging to me). so i will try to focus on those things. but this #just has my head spinning so badly. i feel so unmoored. and it’s my job to be a beacon of hope but i feel utterly hopeless