#and every time i have like a bad mental health day or think back abt the decades of abuse im still recovering from bc of my brother

[awek-s-archived]

it sure is hard having a 50 year old child when ur 25 lol

#im tired of raising my mom i rly am it takes such an emotional toll #i love her but its gotten to the point where sometimes she will just come home or walk into a room or #yell one time and it just drains my energy immediately #and every time i have like a bad mental health day or think back abt the decades of abuse im still recovering from bc of my brother #(it only ended last year so i have a lot of recovery to do) #i remember how she basically totally ignored all of it #and only took it seriously when it started to happen to her last year as well #and the other day she was like oh i had a panic attack once and she started trying to explain what they were to me im like mom i literally #have anxiety. im mentally ill. i get panic attacks all the time. #she thinks im a weirdo for it and that i need to grow up but when SHE had it it was different #like its just a lot to deal w lmao #obviously she helps me a lot but its like it takes more to raise a kid than giving them a roof under their head i feel like #a lot of ppl forget this #and we didnt even always have a roof either not that homelessness was any of our choice #but u know what i mean #like emotionally ive been parenting my mom since i was 5 years old its really srarting to eat away at me now #aweks.txt

[berryblu-soda]

been hesitating to post this bc i usually try to be super chill and upbeat, but im also trying to be more genuine, so here it is i guess (im doing okay, dont worry)

this probably warrants a trigger warning even tho nothing ever really happened :/

i´d like to thank from the bottom of my heart the friends ive made on this silly little site, i may be a almost a stranger to some of you, im not the greatest at keeping contact with anyone, but if i call you a friend its because you have very special a place in my heart <3<3<3

when i first made tumblr i was really struggling, it felt almost impossible to see anything lovable in myself, if it were up to my whims back then, i wouldve made myself poof out of existence, leave no trace behind. "Goodbye to that worthless piece of trash, everythings so much better without her"

it wasn´t that there was anything wrong at home, my family´s always been nothing but loving and caring to me, but i just struggled to understand *why* that was, i wasn´t contributing financially, functionally, nor did i excell at absolutely anything (looking back, i didn´t have to, i was literally 14) , everything id ever been remotely good at i knew someone who was better than me by a long shot. i didn´t have any irl friends, i had my cousins, but being family it felt a little like they were conditioned and obligated to love me because we were family

i felt alone despite being surrounded by people who loved me, i´d grown too used to it to recognize it as genuine love, so meeting you guys really helped me know that hey! maybe people arent just nice to me because they feel obligated to be! you guys inadvertedly gave me the support i needed to continue living life! And for that im endlessly grateful for <3

i can recall several times, when i was beating myself up over the simplest of mistakes, i genuinely didn´t want to exist if i wasn´t perfect, but when my spiraling got too bad and i´d even start to think of how i´d explain to yall that i´d finally given up on living, i´d start bawling my eyes out, beause I couldn't do that to yall, I still had messages to reply to, friends to wish happy birthday to... i would be devastated if any of you guys left and i couldn´t do anything to help you

so i made myself stick around, to hold on to whatever i could even if it consisted of numbing myself to the point of it being unhealthy. and ive lost years trying to get a grip and snap back to reality, but i made it! im happy these days, and i know no matter what happens im glad im still alive. And hey, maybe i´ll start digging myself into a pit again eventually, this post has been sitting in my drafts a couple weeks and in that time ive had some less than ideal days where i felt myself slipping into that old, sad, lonely, self deprecating mentality, but the difference between back then and now is that now i know i made it out of there once, and i know what´s real because ive already recognized it before, my family isnt lying to me when they say they love me, my fiends arent lying to me when they say they care about me, the only one whos lying to me is myself, saying im not worth any of that. 

so i´ll say it again, thank you friends, for existing and being there, for being my lifeline and not letting me go off the deep end, and acting as band aids for my emotional self-inflicted wounds, i´m not sure how i can ever pay you back, i´m here if you ever need me, i love you, please take care <3

#when i tell you guys to remind your friends you love them and you miss them and not hold back openly caring for them this is why #you dont know how much a ´´i would miss you´´ can mean to someone; gosh... #every time i tell you guys i love and miss you and want you to take care of yourselves i mean it with all my heart #i hope the fact i say it so often doesnt make you think its any less genuine #anyways #personal #shut up sheo #<- man i should really change that tag #i have so much more to say but maybe that´s for a vent post some other day #this is first and foremost a thank you letter to the friends ive made here #old and new; i appreciate you guys so muche <3<3<3!!! #*much #mental health #oh boy i hope my mom doesnt find this or something; i dont think she ever grasped how bad i was doing ahahaha; which isnt really her fault #like i said i have a good home life; rationally there should be nothing hurting me to this extent; but i guess i have a talent <3 #also something that really helped me was my religion #something abt knowing God deliberately made me; specifically me!!! he wanted me to exist!!! #is really comforting #my existence was intenderd from the start; or else i never wouldve existed <3 #that might be such a simple conclusion to reach for some of you but it took me sooo long

[luveline]

hi jadeee!!! :D i read the fic abt poly!marauders with depressed reader and i was wondering if you could do one with aaron? for example r having trouble getting out of bed or doing small tasks and her mental health getting bad again, i don’t know if its just me but i rarely find these kind of fics <3

hi gorgeous i hope this is ok! fem, 1k

“How are you feeling?” Aaron asks, patting his face dry with a towel. 

You rub sleep from your eyes, catching Aaron's eyes in the mirror over his broad shoulders. You offer him a tired sort of smile.

“Come here,” he says. 

You do as he says. Aaron's getting dressed for work, and it's miraculous to have you up and out of bed before him considering how depressed you've been lately. Your abdomen presses to his.

“What are you going to do today?” he asks, wetting a washcloth in the sink. He feels the temperature of the water for a few seconds. 

“Um…” You close your eyes in preparation. “I have to shower. And I want to… make you dinner. So I'll do that.” He brings the washcloth to your face and rubs at your skin gently, little rivers of warm water creeping down your face and neck. “Is my appointment today?” 

“No, sweetheart. It's not until Tuesday.” He cleans your nose, your sleep-crusted lashes. “Why not have a bath? That way you can sit. You could bring your laptop in here and watch a movie.” 

“That…” You run out of steam as he wipes the last stretch of your cheek gently. 

If you can't manage a shower today, Aaron will help when he comes home. He never makes it seem like an obstacle or an imposition to help you through these things, treating it like any other hour of time spent together. “Dinner would be nice. But make sure you set the timer if you use the oven. I'll worry.” 

“Yeah.” 

He passes you your toothbrush and toothpaste. You squeeze it out onto the bristles as he sets about neatening your hair for the day, fingertips gentle on the soft skin of your hairline. You force the toothbrush into your mouth and start out slowly. You feel a disconnect between you and your actions, his touch the only tether, and every brush takes effort you don't have. 

“I didn't say good morning,” he says apologetically, rubbing your shoulders with some loving roughness. “How did you sleep?” 

Sleep is a big blob you don't have words for. “Good morning,” you say through toothpaste, leaning your face into his arm. 

He kisses whatever bit of your face he can reach. “Good morning.” 

“Sorry if I'm dirty.” 

“You aren't honey, you're fine. We just need to keep on top of it.” 

He pulls away to let you finish your half job, offering you a floss pick that you take on automatic but can't force yourself to use. It stays in your hand all the way to the breakfast table, where you get served sliced fruits and toast with chocolate spread. It's the kind with lots of calories, to keep you going if you can't manage your own lunch. Aaron makes you lunch most of the time if you can't do it yourself and leaves it in a tupperware in the fridge, but actually getting up to reheat it is another thing. You usually do it if your stomach aches but not otherwise. Already, you're wanting to go back to bed. Another day of letting him down. 

He gives you your medication divider, sipping at his own mug of coffee. “Jack's coming back tonight. Are you excited?” 

“So excited,” you say honestly. “Did he have a good time at, uh, Mason's?” 

“I think so. They went to Pizza Hut buffet. He said we have to go for his birthday.” He smiles at you from over the lip of his mug, eyes all manner of tender. “He asked if you're still sleeping.” 

“Don't let him worry about me,” you say, half-pleading. 

“No, I won't. You know I won't. He's just noticed you're not feeling your best, but it's not a bad thing. He wants to tuck you in.” 

“He said that?” 

Aaron nods with a smile. “He misses you when he doesn't see you.” 

“I miss him… I'm sorry. About all of this. I really…” You look down at your hands. Toast crumbs cling to your fingers, little white ants that catch hold when you attempt to shake them off. You wipe them in your pants. “I promise I'm trying.” 

He rounds the table. Takes your face into his hand, but doesn't force your head up. “That's not in question,” he says in his dulcet tone. “We want you to feel as good as you can. It doesn't matter how long it takes.” 

“I just want to be better.” I just want this feeling to be over. 

He hums into himself, his big hand a warm, steady thing where it covers your cheek. He's so solid. 

“Listen,” he says, bending to meet your eye. “Today, I only want you to do three things. Do you think you can do that? If you can't, I won't be mad, but I want you to try.” 

“Okay.” 

“Firstly, what you said about dinner? That sounds nice. Being active is good for you.” He measures your reaction. You've schooled your features into a determined seriousness that makes him smile. “Alright. Secondly, you take that nice long bath.” 

Your seriousness falters. “Sorry.” 

“No, no, don't be. It's not like that, sweetheart, I just want you to stay healthy, and to feel good about yourself. That's why I need you to eat lunch too.” 

“Is that the third thing?” 

“No, the third thing is to give me a kiss because I'm about to be late for work.” 

You tip your head up and he kisses you sweetly as always. You let him fawn and fret for a few minutes before he really has to leave, and then it's your fault he's late, calling him back in for a last hug. To be fair to you, it's a hug you really, really need. 

“Call me if you need to,” he says, his cheek against your temple. “I'll come home. I promise.” 

#aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner x you #aaron hotchner x y/n #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner fic #aaron hotchner blurb #aaron hotchner drabble #aaron hotchner imagine #aaron hotchner fanfic #aaron hotchner fanfiction #hotch x reader #hotch #hotch x you #hotch blurb #hotch drabble

[hotchs-big-hands]

I just gotta vent abt smth cuz I think abt it all the time and tbh it’s getting detrimental to my wellbeing and stuff. This is medical related so if you’re not okay with medical stuff in general/PCOS/chronic pain/fatphobia then please do scroll 💖

I have always been fat, except for the years of my childhood where I was taking several different medications daily whilst I was sick. Even then I was still chubby though. I’ve also always dealt with a lot of chronic back pain my whole life (and my father has a curved spine like a hunch, which I’m certain I do as well) worsened by an injury to my shoulder that has never rly healed. I also have weak ankles which roll under themselves all the time and I’ve had a few really bad falls because of it. I also have been diagnosed with PCOS and then undiagnosed by someone who told the biggest crock of shit lies to my face. Ain’t even to mention the mental health stuff and IBS as well.

My health conditions are definitely getting worse, and I know I should go to the doctor about them all. I can barely do much with my back pain, I’m in pain every day and some days it flares up so bad I can’t get out of bed. But I’m fucking scared and don’t trust doctors. Because I know the second I walk into their office they’ve already diagnosed me without even doing an exam or asking questions. I’m just stuck and I don’t really know what to do anymore. There’s a lot I just can’t do and honestly getting harder to manage it all. Idk if to just suck it up and try going to a doctor again or just try dealing with it.

I haven’t been to a doctor for anything except my ear health and mental health since 2018 and this was for my PCOS. I’ve had scans done a few times and they all show that I have PCOS. And then I go to this “specialist” and she says that no, I’m just fat and in fact my fatness is causing my PCOS and that excess body hair only grows in fat bodies. There is no correlation between fatness being the cause of PCOS or for there to be excess body hair growth being caused by being fat. She prescribed me medication to induce periods (I don’t have them) and all it did was give me one period and destroyed my mental health to the point where to this day I do not feel like myself still. And I do not have periods still after that except for one last year after a traumatic event.

Idk why I’m still writing or talking abt this. I guess I just needed to get it out or smth cuz it’s all I can think abt most of the time cuz I’m in pain pretty much all the time. Anyway if yu read this far thank you 💖

#a speaks #tw medical #fatphobia #medical fatphobia #chronic pain

[steffigraf]

warning for a clearly anxiety-ridden oversharing freakout below the cut. sorry. i’m too sensitive and i’m unfortunately acutely aware of it.

tldr; im being a drama queen. gonna take a tumblr break for a week or two. to my mutuals, feel free to dm for my insta. i’ll be active until i wake up tomorrow morning and then i’m gonna zip

gonna preface this by saying this is in no way directed to the people whom i actually talk to constantly on here like you lot were lovely and im just dealing with a lot of demons in my head :(

anyway. sometimes i feel more like a product manufacturer than a person on here. and idk. i know most of you guys are really just following me for gifs and content and whatever but. yeah. idk. i guess the things i say don’t matter to anyone unless it’s funny. or if people want to call me out. not that im mad abt that exactly btw i do appreciate when people respectfully call me out for my own mistakes but. sometimes. i feel like im in a fishbowl and you’re all just waiting for me to say something wrong and cancel me. or then again, maybe most of you already think im a shit person and you just stay for the gifs. or maybe you guys think i’m a loser who has nothing to do but spend all day on this goddamn website.

and i know, somewhere inside me, that that’s not true and that it’s clearly the anxiety talking. maybe it’s just me maybe i’m making this up in my head i dunno. but i’m just kinda tired right now. too tired to battle the anxiety like usual at least. and i don’t really feel wanted outside of the content i produce, beyond the notes of my gifs or my fun posts. which ik shouldn’t matter but. i’m a pathological people pleaser etc etc.

(god, seeing this all typed out, i can’t even fucking blame you guys if you actly don’t like me cause. i kinda wanna shake myself by the shoulders and tell myself get a grip girl the world doesn’t revolve around you shut up shut up shut your damn mouth—)

i’ve been trying to manage by unfollowing and blocking a few people (which btw, if i did that to you and we used to be mutuals, it’s probably nothing personal i mostly just kept people i’m a bit closer to). but i’m still not really settled. and considering how i’m posting like every other day about feeling like shit, you guys probably figured that out lmao.

and well. on a separate note. seeing that rat’s name alone is too much for me sometimes. i couldn’t watch his game with carlos. i spent hours in his match with daniil turned away from the television, wearing noise canceling headphones while trying (and failing) to talk myself down from a full blown anxiety attack. i’ve said this before but the way people talk about him, both the fucked up silence and the justified outrage, it reminds me way too much about a family problem i have right now. hits uncomfortably close to home. prior to this i kinda thought i’d made my peace with the whole family situation but no apparently not. had he won the semis, i wasn’t even sure if i would be able to stomach cheering for jannik if it meant having to watch that man play.

so. idk. between the way actual tennis has been making me feel and the way tennisblr in general has seemed for me lately, i figure i need some space.

long story short ive been spending way too much time on tumblr this ao. and its gotten really bad for my mental health i guess. so i think i need to take maybe a week or two, to clear my head. watch tennis without opening this app every other point. spend time with people i love. get back to therapy. try to be a functioning adult.

(this is so fucking dramatic for a goddamn week of no tumblr i know that and i want to smack myself upside the head because why am i like this why do i make things snowball why why why—)

anyway. yeah. that’s it. if you actually read through all of that then. thanks. if not it’s okay too.

to my mutuals, the ones whom i’ve had at least some form of friendly interaction with in replies or dms, you can ask for my insta account btw. not that i’m crazy active on there but like. if you guys wanna be friends beyond the anonymity of this yknow. no pressure though.

#sorry to get all sad again #been editing this on my drafts all day #ive not been in a good headspace lately #*

[phleb0tomist]

idk if anyone has mentioned this before, sorry if you have i’m a new follower & i’m in the UK so idk what it’s like in other countries, but can we talk abt how for intense chronic pain the first thing out of a health professionals mouth is “just take ibuprofen/ paracetamol” or “have you tried ibuprofen/paracetamol”? like, i’ll actually lose my mind if i have to hear that from a health professional again. i have trigeminal neuralgia & that makes it IMPOSSIBLE for any pain medication to work unless it effects the nerves or specifically targets that - otc pain killers & even high dosages of opioids or morphine do not even touch the severe unpredictable pain i have to experience multiple times on a daily basis (so if it doesn’t work & does bad, why take it, right?). & yet every single time i need emergency assistance or pain relief for this horrendous pain i get “have you taken or tried ibuprofen / paracetamol?” & they get a shitty attitude with me when i say “no, because it doesn’t work”.

they act like people with chronic pain haven’t tried it ?? like erm yeah, because if ibuprofen & paracetamol worked then i wouldn’t be in severe pain all day every day, wouldn’t have to take multiple nerve medications of high dosages at specific times & permanently have to damage the nerves in my face via surgery just to get the pain to stop. if ibuprofen & paracetamol worked then i’d actually be able to leave the house, talk to people, move my face & eat without triggering intense, random pain that can last for days 🥴 it’s become a running gag unfortunately between me & my other friend with chronic pain because we’ve been asked that so much. like do they think we refuse it to make their job harder or what ???!!

@ health professionals i’m sure that if someone can’t take ibuprofen or paracetamol or is adamant against taking it then it’s for a reason .. if it doesn’t work, if it causes an allergy, if it’s bad for their body, anything. I know they’re meant to ask but they get this attitude like we’re ignorant / haven’t exhausted all of our options, I mean you’d think they’d know that, right .. ??? But nope lol, ibuprofen & paracetamol. Thanks im cured! 🙄 (whew .. sorry to rant in your inbox omg i wrote a lot but this absolutely makes me furious, my eyes roll so far back into my skull i can see the back of my head when i hear this & from what ive heard from others with chronic pain, at least in the UK it’s very common too ??? 🙁) ahh however .. thank you so much for spreading awareness about chronic pain & conditions, especially in younger people. They wanna act so bad like we aren’t there but I’m so sure that tons of younger people have chronic pain or conditions but just haven’t been diagnosed yet imo !!! You’re doing gods work by talking abt stuff like this & i hope you have a lovely day !!!! 💗

IM SAYING!!! i’m also in the uk and i’ve dealt with this, so have some of my friends. im sorry you have too.

my take is below the readmore.

i think there are multiple reasons for this fixation on paracetamol/ibuprofen so im just gonna ramble my understanding of the situation. a couple decades ago the NHS went all out trying to reverse the overprescription crisis of drugs like opioids/sedatives by creating newly strict prescribing rules, particularly for young patients. this, on top of the increasing mismanagement & limitations in the providing of other NHS services, means that some doctors end up posing paracetamol as a cure-all even when other drugs or tests or physio are needed because they can’t really offer anything else. obviously there’s also patterns of health professionals minimising patients’ pain, reframing pain as a willpower or solely mental issue, and underestimating the damage that constant pain can do to someone’s body and psyche. also statistically, the pain levels of certain groups (people of colour, afabs, women, fat people, etc) are widely minimised by medical professionals. if they don’t believe your pain is real, they won’t wanna give you strong meds for it

also this is conjecture but i’ve gathered that a uk doctor’s record looks bad if they prescribe things to youths (regardless of need!!) and their record looks good if their patients can be ‘adequately treated’ with ibuprofen or para. more than one nhs doctor has implied to me that this is how their job works. i think it’s inexcusable that people’s pain is being dismissed but i can see why uk professionals end up with that mindset. a huge combo of factors made things this way. but sadly we as patients don’t know why we’re being brushed off, and the only explanation we can find is that our pain & our point of view are worthless. which is not cool lol

it’s so weird. like i’ve been on prescribed opioids for years because over the counter painkillers never worked on my body but professionals are STILL pushing them as if their only job is to cheerlead paracetamol. so I take para every day. but sometimes i take a break to see if it’s even doing anything and there’s zero difference. i’m only taking it because otherwise docs refuse tests and treatments. they will not test me for certain issues until i’ve demonstrated that i take paracetamol round the clock and it hasn’t helped. when i was a teen my family called 999 for me (my doc said to call an ambulance when i had the symptom i was having) but the operator didn’t want to send an ambulance until i’d taken paracetamol. HELLO? another flavour of this is that sometimes i’m vomiting so much for weeks on end that i can’t keep any pills down, and yet i get repeatedly and angrily asked “why haven’t you taken paracetamol?”... HELLO? i did take it but it came back up 40 times, along with all my other meds. idk what they want from me.

to the person who sent this ask and to anyone who relates, my heart is with you. it sucks so bad when no one will listen to your lived experiences. especialy when the cost is your health. pain relief for everyone!!! now!!

#please let me know if this post needs more warnings or content tags #negative #emeto tw #long post #medical #nhs #snark #answered #ok to rb #txt

[bi-zo-zo]

BUFFY SEASON 6!!! (Triggwr warning for S/A and Mental Health Issues)

Imma just use this app to vent cause no ones gonna see it. I first watched that season and felt crazy attached to it when I was 10. (okay maybe an 10 year old shouldn't have been watching some of the scenes but where's the fun in being a sheltered child I legit watched it w my mum) Back then watching it I resonated with it but I didn't know how I resonated with it I just yeh it become like a comfort season.

Flash forward to the current day, and I'm older and struggling sm silently with my mental health, and I randomly watched it again today after seeing an ad for the new Slayers project. HOLY SH*T !!! That's why it resonated. Here's a season of a show where mental health is the main antagonist. Every character that u love and aspire to be like is showing how they aren't these perfect happy go lucky versions of theirselves. Now, don't get me wrong, Buffy has never shyed away from showing it in early seasons, and it was never like any character was never portrayed as one dimensional. However, this one season emphasises it SO MUCH MORE! Like when it shows Willow's magic addiction and how she eventually goes dark after Tara gets shot, Xander leaving Anya at the alter and her becoming a demon again, Buffy being ripped out of *possibly heaven* by her friends and coming back wrong and her dealing w that and being disgusted w herself for using Spike as a coping mechanism, Spike ultimately S/A Buffy and running away to go get his soul back from the demon trials after he realises what he's done, Willow dealing w Tara's death and like in the episode where it's Buffy's birthday and the main group are locked in the house by one of Anya's old friend from when she was still a demon, the way it shows how Dawn is dealing being in the background of everyone who is supposed to be the adults taking care of her not even giving her a second thought sometimes. Those are the main plots but I know there are a few more. ALL OF THESE ARE JUST PERFECT EXAMPLES OF EVERYONE STRUGGLING AND NOT JUST BEING HAPPY AND CLICKING LIKE THEY USED TO BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE CAN! Now I know why I resonated with this series so much and still do... because IT'S REAL LIFE! Everyone is having problems and sometimes they just can't address them to those closest and sometimes they can but it's still just as hard dealing w them. Yes the plots in the show are a bit of a far fetched example but regardless it really shows people struggle and sometimes everyone around u loves you deeply but they can't always be the solution.

To put what I'm really meaning into perspective in the earlier seasons like say season 1 or something after the fight with the 'Big Bad' or just a general demon they main trio and Giles always had each others back. If there was a problem they solved it together and they were in high-school and although they weren't care free their lives in comparison to season 6 weren't the same. Now this is because yes they matured but they also got worn down by the constant struggle of it all. It must've been hard being a young adult and having to worry abt the apocalypse and getting your essay in on time. However, I think it would've been interesting to put who they were in season 1 in the place of the events of season 6 because personally when I think of it that way I think they would've been more open with each other and it probably would've altered the course of the entire season. That's where it comes down to after all the constant fighting they realised they themselves were fighting internal battles due to it all.

To anyone who did read this which I know will be barely any thank you I know it's long. ❤️

#buffy the vampire slayer #buffyverse #season 6 #buffy summers #willow rosenberg #xander harris #spike btvs #dawn summers

[angelsofneonandgarbage]

sorey for being a bit. scary on main. i just finished madk vol. 3 which is finally out in english and i was so excited for it but the ending is a near closed-loop cyclical ending which always really bothers me n puts me in a state in nihilistic anxiety/dissociation idk but also. it just makes me wanna feel things again. i wanna stop taking my meds. ive had the upped dose for a week ish now n its bringing back my paranoia which should settle in a week tops but it's bothering me bc it means i cant listen to tma bc that's creepy enough to set it off. sorry i swear my mental health has actually been better these last couple of days im slowly regaining mental functionality to an extent but i keep slipping and falling and i just. don't have the spoons to figure out every problem i have and address them enough to be functional again. like there's the attachment problems w my ex which keep coming back every time i feel like jm getting over them, the chronic exhaustion and general symptoms of pots, my meds fucking with me, general depression but also manic episodes, the fact im way over budget but my mum wants me to get her a 60 quid fountain pen for her birthday/mothers day and im not going to be there to see her around that time anyway sso i have even less of an excuse to cheap out. and ive been committedly lying abt my mental state to my parents to convince them im getting better than i was at xmas even tho im worse bc my mum will come up here and invade my uni life if she realises how bad i am doing

ah yeah i hate when fiction leads to like a major dissociative bit especially bc i love to use media as an escape when im floating out my body and then it goes and makes it worse and sets off a chain reaction of pent up shittiness? the absolute worst fr

not to sound like an overbearing parent but pls take ur meds !!!!! ik it sucks rn getting thru the adjustment phase but think of how things will change once u get used to them! u may not notice a crazy positive change right away but think of the small things. like u can listen to tma again once ur adapted to ur meds!! even if it’s something small that gets u thru daily tasks like that. u could take ur pills in the morning and be like “this is for u martin”

and oh god ex drama we both know that one well. idk if it would help but maybe if every time u have a like thought abt them that makes u feel any way that’s great just text me ur thoughts to try and get them out yk. like how i texted u like “the voices!!” when i was talking abt my ex like the other week pls feel free to do that back if u think it would help

and exhaustion and depression suck man i wish i had some like quippy little tip or smthn for u there but i’m suffering right there with u on those. and maybe just the thought that we’re going thru that together could help? holding ur hand thru the horrors <3

and oh man money problems r the worse omg. ik u said the pen is like 60 quid and mothers day is coming up so idk what ur like personal budget is looking like but me when i’m trying to make bigger purchases is i set aside a few bucks a day like just a few dollars $2 or $3 nothing that seems like a lot just a little snack or drink price but somthing that adds up a decent bit when done for a few days straight and u have like two ish weeks till then right? so u could make a decent dent with that plan

and hey i’m all for lying to parents but i think u shoukd consider the possibility that u may need to ask for help at one point even tho that’s so hard and ur mom will get all up in ur business but maybe it could help. or u could think of ur daily life like ur mom is there or nearby as a way to like watch urself and try to control what ur doing if that makes sense?

#hi sorry i hope this made sense and i hope u don’t find my response annoying i felt like i had to say more back than just augh man that #sucks im sorry so i hope some of this helps a little? if its not for u tho that’s 100% ok i hope u find things that help u soon <3 #also not sure if u wanted this private or not so i can totally change it if u don’t watch this public #.🫀

[xhdream]

💝 - after a mental health day that turned into a mental health week, we're back in commission!!!

okay so this thought genuinely comes from an experience i had with a girl (it was my first lesbian "time" and i finished so fcking hard my nose started bleeding.) and it honestly made me think abt all SIX boys at once?? had me screaming and giggling my feet so bad my parakeets started screaming back at me.

ahem.

None of them really remembered where the idea came from, other than that jooyeon was the one to suggest it. so there you were, on your knees inside the dorm living room couch, surrounded by 6 men all eyeing you up. and jesus christ was that hot holy shit

jooyeon and jiseok are kissing on your neck and chest, frantically leaving as many spit covered marks as they could in the time they had. ode was working on your clothes, taking them off in any way he could! gunil is kissing up your thighs laying on the side of the sofa. jungsu was using his hands wherever he could! his large, thick hands massaging your breasts and gently squeezing your neck everytime he pulled your head in for a heated, feverish kiss.

junhan was sitting back though, a little skeptical at how to place himself. gunil was eating you out so roughly, his calloused hands gripping your supple thighs as tongue worked genuine magic. jungsu had his cock in your mouth, while simultaneously your two hands were stroking jooyeon and jiseok. ode had his knobby hand around his own cock, slowly stroking himself at the beautiful sight of your skin glistening in sweat and pure bliss.

junhan sat on the furthest chair, his thin hands softly gripping his throbbing erection as he watched you finish time and time again from all their ministrations. watching as each member pumped you absolutey full of their cum, one by one. at the end, with almost every member exhausted, you managed to hobble your way over to junhan. kissing his face and neck gently as you straddled him and sunk down onto his sensitive cock. the squelch of so many loads sliding out of you onto his cock made him gasp and throw his head back, his shaky hands connecting with your waist. he felt you clench around him, milking him for everything he had as stupid pathetic whines came from his spit covered lips.

"f-fuck! m- m'cummin-" he mumbled softly, gripping your hips tightly and slamming himself up into your cervix, shooting his load deep inside of you. he watched as you stood up, cum seeping out of you like a used fuck doll, seeping from your cunt down your thighs and onto the hard wood floors of the dorm.

so yeah uh brainrot! this was terribly written and made zero sense it's 3am and i've been up all night sick and needed to come back on here to write something nasty so pls understand

with brain rotting love, ~💝

first, i’m happy you’re back and i really hope you’re feeling much better now! take care, sending you love & hugs <3

second, my goal in life is to write an ot6 fic, but not all of them all at once cause that’d be overwhelming for me i don’t think i have the proper skills either 😭 (you definitely do tho i’m so impressed!!) i’m imagining it in a few chapters and every chapter covers to two-three members but they connect in a way?? i have no idea how to explain it better lol

also you really wanna mess with my feelings by saying jooyeon suggested the orgy don’t you 🥲

#💌: xhdream inbox #💝 anon #xdinary heroes hard thoughts

[boxwinebaddie]

omg what grade do u teach nina?? if this is too personal of a question u dont got to answer it!

oh, no problem friend! so basically, last year, during my last semester at school -- which is when i started peppermint, actually! -- i got my teaching credential for elementary school ( k-5 ) which was so exciting!!! but oh my god, i was EXHAUSTED ( which is why i fell in that Summer Schlump tbh [ it was my Stan Season ] because i'd never had that much free time before which was too much tbh ).

but anyways! for context, to get my credential, i had to work in both a lower elementary & an upper elementary class! more info under here!

so my first semester i worked in a 1st/2nd grade class which -- i loved them so much when i left i cried ( the kid that told me he hated me my first day and threw a STAPLER at me was actually in that class and he was the one child that had to be forcibly removed from me on my last day because he wouldn't let me go bc he didn't want me to leave....WHEN I TELL YOU I WAS CRYING LIKE LITTLE MAN DON'T DO THIS TO ME!!!! <//3 ;-; ) but yes, i literally adored them, they were so stinking cute -- i can't talk abt them too much or i'll Cry.

my second semester i was in a MASSIVE -- when i say massive i mean massive, we could barely move in that room -- fifth grade class and i also loved them sm -- they did dunk on me all the time smh -- and when i revisited them later, they were SO EXCITED, oh my god they gave me Hell during my semester, but they were Angels when i came to visit like!!! everyone hugged and high-fived me...love them, they were so funny...i miss them every day ;-;;;;;; AAAAA IM CRYING

but for This Job, i'm actually not working in one Specific classroom, i kind of float around and work with a lot of different ages/grade levels! which has been...Interesting for me, lmao! it's an adjustment for sure.

my favorite time is hanging out with the tiny little people ( if i could choose a grade level to teach it would probably be k-2 ) i read them lots of books and sing them a lot of stuff!!! were learning our letters :) i also dress kind of like Teacher Harper Finkle and they gas me up so much -- i came out of a classroom the other day to a bunch of first graders AND THEY ALL CLAPPED I DID A SPIN AND THEY WERE LIKE YOU LOOK LIKE A FAIRY PRINCESS WOW WOW WOW!!!!

i screamed they were SAUR CUTE!!!! heaven!!! all of them! angels! -- they really like all my apron dresses and my fuzzy ear muffs and my crazy eye makeup and stuff i love them so bad -- SOMETIME STHEY ROAST ME THO!! they don't mean to -- one day last year, i was hella late and tired and i had a Manic Uncle Nina Moment and bleached my hair but was too lazy to tone/dye it a color ( my hair was a lot of different colors! it was actually blue last year bc as a treat to my fifth graders, i let them choose a color for my hair! thank god it wasn't puke green IT GOT REALLY CLOSE I WAS CRYING PLSSS HELP )

and she was like Miss, Did You Do Your Hair! & i was yes, i did friend and she was like Can You Do Something Else It Looks Weird like KHDSLDKH STOP THE VIOLENCE!!! PLEASE!!!! BRUTAL OMG ;-; but at least she was REAL! W/ ME! i like the tiny ppl -- theyre honest.

which is why i'm kind of having trouble w the older kids bc its not in my wheelhouse to teach older kids so i'm a little...Stressed, smh. it's bc i can't really tell if they like me/are secretly roasting me -- also the high school boys were giving me The Business abt their phones smh i was like THIS IS MY JOB BESTIES DONT BE LIKE THIS PLS -- anyways they kind of scare me, smh, but i'm sure we will be close in abt a month...i am pretty chill or i try to be! <3

my specialization for school/my teaching philosphy focuses on SEL or social emotional learning! which is concerned with mental health, making sure kids feel safe, loved, validated...i'm v Passionate abt it.

i'm actually so passionate about it that i was thinking of going Back To School ( whichhhhh sahdkad UUUUUGH ) to get my license to be a guidance counsellor!!! post covid kyle and i are like the same person i swear. idk teaching math is hard and i really just enjoy hearin about kids days and helping them with stuff that's not subject related, idk.

i'll keep you guys updated! i actually have a lot of down time in my position so i am in the staff lounge answering these! which is fine tbh the adults are chilling but if the older kids who can READ accidentally glimpse my sp fanfic i will cry i would be so embarassed i'd never hear the end of it smh IF ANYONE IS READING OVER MY SHOULDER PLEASE GO TO JAIL MY FRIEND!!!! SMH!!!! SHOOOO!

but yes! teacher uncle nina! <3 i actually took this job bc i was... Nervous about starting teaching in my own classroom, so i'm gathering up the nerve by doing this instead! but hopefully one day i will have my own classroom or go back to school so i can be a cool post covid kyle guidance counselor! thank you for asking! <333

-uncle nina, bad fanfic writer...good teacher, i hope?

p.s. i am very tired all the time and busy when i am! so i'm sorry if my asks go unanswered for a while, but know i'm always thinking of them and all of you -- your support has pulled me from dark places.

i also...am running on so much coffee -- BLACK COFFEE actually like oh my god!!! i wasn't even a coffee girlie and when i did drink coffee they were like ravenstan chai teas and kp matcha lattes and stuff but i got so sleepy during my student teaching era that i literally drink all my coffee black now and i GUZZLE that shit it's frightening -- so if i sound insane, i am literally teacher tweek and am literally vibrating.

#THIS IS SO SWEET THANK YOU FOR ASKING FRIEND #i'm glad you guys are curious about me like thats so kind #it means a lot to me that you all care #i do have to be cautious ofc abt my digital foot print and NOSY CHILDREN GET OUT OF HERE MY FRIENDS SMH #but it is nice to keep you in the loop and tell u abt stuff #i also try to be nice and fun!!! i hope i am #i do not like to yell or be mean it stresses me out so bad :( #but yeah i am thinking many thots abt guidance councilling #i am just really passionate abt kids mental health and making sure theyre safe and happy and feel like theyre being heard #jersey kyle actually after the fic!!! when him and ravenstan start dating he drops out of law school to persue psychology #which is so cute to me he seems like a menace but he actually does care a lot abt the little people #tbh i feel like stan and kyle probably adopt...like one or two of them...bc their home life is really messed up/dont have one #they be collecting stray animals and stray children smh #i love them #its probably a little girl and i feel like shes a menace #also this was possibly too much information smh but u know how i am i do not know how to not overshare so i am sorry rip #but i hope this thrilled you my friend(s)! <33333

[sergeantsporks]

thinking abt a what if scenario where my golden guard oc was inducted into the gilded fam (bc you said it was ok to write abt them interacting). first off, his name was achilles, he lived during a time where belos was still trying to gain power, so he ended up doing a lot of bad stuff for him. like. “killing entire villages to end a rebellion” levels of bad. in terms of personality, he was a very honor-obsessed, noble, knightly type. bc of this, he didnt question belos like. at all. and while he did not enjoy the atrocities he was committing, he thought they were necessary and done for a reason. “the ends justify the means” sort of situation yknow

naturally, you can expect him to not react well when he accidentally finds out what the day of unity Actually entails, and goes and violently confronts belos abt it. they fight, achilles gets the upper hand and wrongfully assumes belos is dead, belos doesnt die for anything tho and cuts his achilles tendon as hes walking away and finishes him off

i imagine that suddenly waking up in the gilded house would. kind of actively make his mental health worse. suddenly having to live with the knowledge that everything he did was ultimately in vain would eat him alive. physically, hed have one of the easier recoveries, he has a limp and a lot of stab wounds & bruises, but its not the worst evelyn has seen. mentally, hes kind of on a downward spiral from minute 1. he feels incredibly guilty abt all the crimes hes committed and all the people hes killed, and he wishes that both belos and himself had died back then. he could absolutely be convinced to stay at the house and even bond with the others, but this is something hes never going to forgive himself for. or at the very least, he wouldnt get to that point in recovery for a WHILE

theres also the issue that theyd kinda have to break him from a soldier mindset (but i imagine hes hardly unique in that experience). like he thinks his life doesnt matter and can be thrown away for anything. he immediately clocks caleb and evelyn as the ultimate authority in the household and treats every request and question from them like an order that hes not allowed to disobey. which would cause some obvious problems. he even bows to them in their first meeting. which they wouldnt like for obvious reasons. hed definitely need to learn to have Some self worth and learn that hes allowed to make choices for himself. hed treat being asked to help in the kitchen with the same deathly seriousness as if he was being ordered to the frontlines in a war

tbh i could actually see him getting along well with jason. he doesnt understand Everything he talks abt, but he does genuinely enjoy hearing abt noble heroes vanquishing monsters and all the other stuff from his books. i could even see jason suggesting the name achilles to him in the first place (id say what his dynamic would be w/ the others, but its been a while since i read the fic n i dont remember their personalities that well)

uhhh. thats kinda all i got to tell you abt the mental rabbit hole i just went down. um. he knows how to swordfight too and would gladly teach the others if they wanted to learn. what do you think of this? sorry for this ask being an absolute wall of text btw

Hmmmmm I think he and Cherry would... idk, not "get along" per se (in a "besties" sense), but just. "Same trauma!!! I've done some stuff that I am very not proud of and oh gosh I was a monster!!!" bonding. Despite being from VERY different time periods. That, and he and Petro would both have the "big help in the rise to power" similarity.

Jason would absolutely go sparkle-eyed infodump on him the instant he said something about heroes. I hope Achilles is ready for the whole Illiad to learn about his namesake, because Jason is going to recite it for him. As was initially intended by the text.

#toh #asks #gilded family au #other's ocs #my ocs #grimwalker playdate

[little-cereal-draws]

Ok I need mental health advice. I know the internet is not a great place to get that from but I stopped seeing my therapist two months ago (his choice, not mine) and I don’t know what else to do. Pls be warned, it does get kinda heavy

i've been having a hard time recently. it's very odd tho bc it's almost the same cycle every day and this cycle has happened before in the past.

I wake up and, until abt mid afternoon, i'm incredibly depressed. typical depression stuff, having trouble finding motivation to do things even if i enjoy them, no energy, high anxiety, all that jazz. about the last two weeks, i've been waking up thinking abt killing myself too. i don't actually want to and i haven't tried, they're just stupid intrusive thoughts i can't get out of my head. Today was especially bad for all of these things.

then around 2or 3pm, i start feeling better. i feel happy, do my work, go out and see friends, feel like i've got a handle on life and that i can do anything life throws at me. from 9pm onwards, it slumps back down so i'm sad and full of anxiety and intrusive thoughts again.

i know why i'm stressed and anxious, and there's nothing I can do to take those triggers away, but i don't know why it's coming in daily cycles like this. like i said before, this has happened before too. Has anyone experienced anything like this or knows how to help it?

#tw suicide #tw intrusive thoughts #<- those last two tags are related #mental health

[fullsunstrawberry]

Dude so i have this best friend and we were normal friends before being best friends because she had another best friend but she dropped her and i honestly thought like „oh yeah she probably got tired of her“ and didn’t think anything of it. So we were best friends for a 1 year now and she is one of those people that get mad easily and have communication problems.. and everyone would tell her that but she never did anything about it. So everytime we „fought“ for no reason i was always the one to ask her what’s wrong lets talk about it first. But she would always answer my texts if i ask her. So we are in a friendgroup but around 4 weeks ago she started acting all distant and stuff but i didn’t mind cause she still talked to me normally and we still called everyday and met up. We drive with the same bus and aftee she enters the bus i give her a smile, she smiles back. And since the bus is full whenever someone says something funny, we give eachother looks like sll best friends do, which we did. After going out of the bus she was pissed but i didn’t know wtf her problem was cause we literally called the night before and on the bus everything seemed normal. Regardless since school hasn’t started yet we always go to the cafeteria and i still sat next to her, cause i didn’t do anything. I asked her something and she answered pissed for no reason. In recess we usually go together but this time she just ran away from me, and i didn’t know wtf i did. In art class we sit next to eachother and suddenly she needed something so she asked me. And then i was like dirst tell me what’s wrong wtv and she was like „why are you always looking at me like that” and i was like im literally not doing anzthing and then we talked about it and i had guessed that everyhing is okay again , usually she waits for me but she just ran away again. I still drove the same bus as her even though it takes longer to go home . The day after we didn’t talk at all. So i asked her again like always what’s wrong. And she left me on read this time. Bro i was soo pissed. Then we didn’t talk for a week and 2 days. So as i said we had 4 fridays to go to this other school right. So we got paired up together and talked like best friends again. And everyone was like „omg they are talking again“ etc. after school she texted me smth i answered and she just left me on seen, that was 1 week and 2 days ago and we didn’t talk at all since then she ignored me but keeps blaming it on me saying i talk shit abt her which is bs. I guess she’s just a bad friend, but people still ask me every single day what’s wrong cause they know she wouldn’t answer and since we were known to be best friends. I know shes an asshole but i still miss her😭

Sorry for making this so long, but i can’t talk to anyone about this except for one person and that’s not enough 😭

Also i can’t anon send pictures:( i tried before, and congratulations on your graduation!!!

-d

JUST NOW READING THIS OMG

i know i have no place to say this but she’s really giving fake friend energy!! if she doesn’t want to talk it out, it’s her fault. She would be the one throwing the friendship away :(

do you think she might be in a bad place mentally? maybe some space will help?

i’m sorry this is happening to you, sometimes a friend break up is worse than a romantic one :(

SENDING A VIRTUAL HUGG <3

make sure to focus on yourself too! don’t let this get between you and your health <3

#d anon #i wish i could hug you :( #hope things get better #or i’ll fight them for you #love yah <3

[hotchs-big-hands]

Today turned out to be Pretty Bad™ stuck down very awful bad memory lane and I just wanna clarify to ppl why I may not always answer dms/asks etc. I've only really told one person on here the big details about this, and I won't go into all the details here either but it'll be enough to explain why. I hope anyway. Idk why I'm doing this.

I'll give a quick tl;dr here because it is long and also goes into very triggering topics such as self harm/suicide.

Basically I used to have a very close best friend, who I'll call shithead, back in early 2018 until late 2022 who extremely manipulative, emotionally abusive and just very overall toxic. If you've ever seen me refer to a "shithead" in tags or whatever then its about the person imma talk abt here. I was essentially the person they turned to to talk them out of doing things to themselves, if you get me. As well as a lot of other stuff. Ended up getting therapy (but not for the right reasons tbh) and also got a bad coping mechanism where I tend to not talk to people, I keep my distance and its smth I wanna tackle but it's difficult. So if you haven't heard back from me it's not cuz I don't like you, I am fighting with my brain. Also I kinda question if I actually am a good person or not because of stuff that I did in retaliation to this person.

I'll get into details now under the cut but yeah don't read if self harm/suicide/toxic dynamics are something you don't want to hear about for whatever reason.

As above, in early 2018 I used to have a different fanfic blog for a different fandom. I won't go into detail about which fandom and what the blog was but it was fairly popular. This is how I came to be friends with them. And like at the beginning it was fucking great! We became fast friends and we had a lot of shared interests. They introduced me to a lot of games, TV shows etc. But that's also where the problems started.

They were one of those types of fans. The "very possessive over certain characters" type of fan. If they liked them and had a crush on them then you couldn't do the same cuz character belonged to them. Which at the time I didn't rly like but I used to be friends with someone in high school who was also like that about characters so I assumed it was just a thing ppl did. However, it escalated to if I had a character I liked then they'd for some reason not like them and in fact hated them. This was kinda draining cuz they never wanted to talk abt stuff I liked, without actually directly saying so. They'd just shit talk them the whole time or say they hate them. So I stopped talking about what I liked. Later, they'd suddenly really like said media or characters and only then was it fine to talk about them. But in turn they'd be possessive and if I said oh okay I'll step back from them they would make me feel like I was being stupid because "no they didn't say I couldn't like them".

Anyway thats not rly the worst of it of course, the actual bad stuff is now so again, final warning for self harm/suicide. Will square off the triggering sections.

*********************

They struggled with their mental health a lot. Like a lot. I'd be there for them to listen, offer help and support because I like to take care of ppl and make sure they'll be okay. Except it escalated to them using me to talk them out of harming themself and killing themself. And this was almost everyday/night. And need I just say they were an hour ahead of me as well btw. I went to university in 2019 originally and by December I was completely burnt out because I spent every day and night making sure they didn't fucking do anything to themself. I got at most 2-3 hours of sleep a night if I was lucky and I stopped doing my hobbies and uni work because I just had no drive to do them anymore. It was clear I was also suffering mentally. I was suicidal and thinking of harming myself as well (and unfortunately I did do so a couple times). But I prioritised them. Everything was triggering for them, and I mean that. I had a long list pinned to my wall of everything I was to avoid mentioning because it would trigger them.

They never took care about my own mental health btw, which I'm not saying they HAD to but I know it was because they just didn't care. And they said as much too. They said because they are autistic they have no empathy and therefore do not feel anything about my mental health. So I suffered basically alone.

*********************

I dropped out of uni in early 2020 and in fact went home the weekend lockdown began in the UK. Things were not good. I was still trying to be support for shithead, I went to therapy and started medication for the wrong reasons. I wanted to get better so I could take care of them. Which like. Never do that. Never go to therapy so you can be someone else's therapist. Go to therapy because YOU want to be better for YOURSELF.

We were in in a bigger friendship group spread across a few discord servers and they all broke down one way or another. One instance there was an argument between shithead and a bunch of others who were comparing who had it worse during ww2. The others were Americans but were also of Jewish heritage with family who were affected by the holocaust and shithead lives in a country near where the holocaust happened with relatives who went through a famine. Either way it was just not gonna be a good conversation. Shithead left, I stayed and like I already don't rly talk to people much in groups because its overwhelming but I did do a little bit. Someone who was friends with shithead and still in the server told shithead I was talking to the others and in turn I basically betrayed shithead. Hindsight I wish I had just left the server ages before and like maybe j shouldn't have talked to the others idk. I regret it either way and think abt it a lot.

Another few shitty things I did in response to how shithead would treat me is giving them the silent treatment, giving short answers etc. I wanted them to feel bad, but it would round back to me being told I'm a coward and horrible to them. Which maybe I was but frankly I was scared of them.

*********************

Things began to rly break down when they showed me their fresh self harm wounds, blood and all, because they were "bored". I didn't talk to them for a few days and their apology wasn't much of an apology, more just making excuses again (aka I have autism so it's not my fault). I started talking less and less because by this point my brain had had enough ig and began to close off from them and just ppl in general.

*********************

In 2022 I finally returned to university and thats also when I finally stopped talking to them. A few months ago I finally blocked them on everything. However, I still struggle with communication and don't rly do it much. It's difficult to maintain friendships and I don't trust easily. I plan on going back to therapy whenever i can because this is just unresolved. But yeah idk I'm sorry to everyone who I haven't responded to, or take a long time to respond to.

One thing that is good tho is that like, after shithead I didn't enjoy anything. I didn't rly watch or hyperfixate on anything. But last year around this time I came across an Aaron Hotchner x plus size reader fic and I've been obsessed with him since!! And now here we are, got a blog and everything for a fandom finally after so long :) so it's not all bad.

But yeah that's why I struggle keeping up with messages and asks. Idk if anyone is gonna read this but if you've read this far then thank you and you mean a lot. Big hugs to yawl and I hope yawl have a lovely day, and if not then please take it easy 💖💖💖💖

#vent post #tw vent #tw: self harm #tw suicide #tw self harm #a speaks

[noxiatoxia]

hi its me the dead anon and i would like to share that maybe 2 nights ago i was up rlly late. and i was figuring out what i was going to write back to ur last response to my other ask when i got really tired

in my strange sleep deprived state i was hit with 'inspiration' and opened google docs. within a matter of a couple hours, from 1-2 am, i wrote a pages long fic where kaoru kills himself and hikaru was so upset and made myself cry so hard i passed out.

when i woke up i looked at it and it really wasn't that good?? but at the same time it was and it made me cry again so. theres that. if you were wondering what ive been doing instead of responding

anyway very sorry about dying. ive really wanted to send u asks but ive been stressed out so im not great at coming up with hcs. very uninspired (besides my weird kaoru suicide fic but. yk)

maybe this says something about my current mental state. maybe not. idk

NOOOOOOOOO HAHSJSOKDFJ I SHOULDNT LAUGH BUT THE IDEA YOU WOKE UP FROM A HALF AWAKE DAZE AND WERE LIKE "FUCK I GOTTA WRITE KAORU KILLING HIMSELF" CRIED, THEN PASSED OUT IS SUCH A FUNNY MENTAL IMAGE.

But like I GET IT!!! same shit happens to me. I'm about to sleep but inspo STRIKES and I HAVE to get it on paper. It actually happened last night... Idk if I'll turn the idea into a full fic I'll post but it was a comedic concept nonetheless

The idea of one of the twins dying always kills me bc it's like... SO fucking sad.... the heartbreak is too much for me... i like happy endings... But like, I get it. Sometimes you just gotta write super depressing stuff. I have before.

The idea tho of one of the twins having a nightmare abt the other dying... Oughh. Like some super vivid nighmare that has one of them bolting up in bed panting on the verge of tears, immediately seeking the other twin and hurriedly waking them up to make sure they're still alive.

Like for example, maybe Hikaru waking up a month after Kaoru had his really bad depressive episode that scared the shit out of him. In his nightmare though...things don't have such a happy ending. And Kaoru does what he worried so much about every night in that dream, and he loses his little brother, and it feels so real.

Hikaru wakes up with a really startled jolt and is on the verge of a panic attack. His first immediate course of action is to turn around and nearly shake Kaoru off the bed, panickedly saying his name.

Kaoru of course wakes up sleepy and confused, barely awake as Hikaru begins to squeeze the air out of him with a bear hug. He's mumbling some things Kaoru can't piece together in his tired state, but Kaoru can tell he's really upset...so he just holds Hikaru and sleepily mumbles some reassuring things to him, and it does make Hikaru feel better, just to hear him alive and well...

Also since I'm a sucker for close physical affection between the twins I like to think Hikaru sometimes kisses Kaoru on the cheek. He did it more when they were younger, but he still does it I think under special occasions. I think this would be one of them... He was just so broken up in his dream and it scared him so so badly, so as Kaoru is stroking his hair lazily and sleepily murmuring reassurances to him, Hikaru sniffling as he's trying NOT to burst into tears, he kisses Kaoru on the cheek. Kaoru makes a small confused noise because he isn't expecting it, but he gives Hikaru a kiss back. He basically ends up passing out after that bc he's barely awake as is but Hikaru stays up long after that, holding Kaoru and just listening to his steady, deep breaths and resting heartbeat. Just taking in the fact his brother is still here and alive.

He eventually falls asleep once dawn begins to filter through the curtains.

Also it's okay for not sending asks!!! Life is tough and busy. Your health & happiness is far more important!!! I really love your hikakao and ouran asks in general they are my day's highlight. But I'm here if you just want to send general asks about whatever :) DMs are always open too!

#ILL GET TO UR OTHER ASK A LITTLE LATER I HAVE THOUGHTS ON IT... MUCH TO SAY... #hikakao #ohshc #;noxiatalks2ya

[oatbugs]

mei. mei mei mei my darling. i just read up on your crush situation, and wow. what a ride huh.

first off, and i know other people have said this, but i'll say it again: you're so so young. and you have so much more time to meet new people, and to fall in love, and to let people fall in love with you, and you don't need to rush into all that now just because you feel like "this is the one" or because you're scared your time will run out. i turn 20 in two weeks, and i've had one serious relationship with someone who i thought i'd be together for a long time, and in the end it lasted a little less than a year, and i'm glad that i got to make that experience regardless.

which is what i wanna say next: your crush situation can be a good learning experience about how you'd like to be treated. you didn't waste any time, you just made new experiences, and once you find a new crush, you'll know how you want to be treated a little more, and you're gonna be able to communicate that more. no time is ever wasted. (i say this because my ex told me, upon breaking up with them, that they'd "wasted a whole year for nothing" which is wrong, because my time & company & affection was and is not a waste of time, and so is yours.)

now, i agree with all the other anons telling you to break up with your crush. it's obviously distressing you, and you said you want someone who can be with you now, which they aren't, so yeah. break up with them. but also, if you want closure, you can just text them, yeah? ask them why they're ghosting you, if you haven't already. because i have absolutely been "the crush" in many many situations, because i struggle a lot with mental health - not to say that your crush is, too, but like. there could be a million reasons why they're not texting back, and it's no use to stress out about it without knowing what's going on. take a step back and breathe, please, okay?

then, re: being scared you come off as manipulating - yes, i feel that too. so much. mostly because of my ex, and i always catch myself re-writing simple text messages because i think the wording sounds "too manipulating" and i can't even tell anymore if i am actually guilt-tripping someone or if i'm just shaped by my last relationship, but yeah. i get you so much, and it sucks so much, but also, i think we're all a little manipulating in our lives at some point, and we have a lot of time to learn how to minimise that, and sometimes, people will feel manipulated because of their own personal issues. and sometimes, like in the case of that person & their friends who told you you were manipulating, sometimes people are just assholes. like. those people don't sound like good people to me, and it sounds like you've been hurt by them a lot. so please, again, take a step back and breathe. you're okay. and if you're really scared about coming across as manipulating, you can just communicate that to whomever you're talking to, i know i asked people to like, call me out whenever i did something they didn't like.

lastly - mei, you'll be okay. this is not the end of the world. remember to breathe, and look at the sky for a minute, and take a step back whenever you feel overwhelmed - mentally and physically. just. take a step back, and look at what's in front of you, and i promise it's never as bad as it looks up close, okay? you'll be alright, i believe in you 💓🌟

hihihi thank u so much i appreciate this a lot !!!! you're defintely right, it was a cool experience liking them + i made some good memories and i got to have that crush feeling for a while which was nice ! i tried my best w them and gave them my time and i can gladly say i did what i could + i don't regret it ! we explored london and talked abt our interests for agessss and left voice note letters every day etc etc it was fun while it lasted and it's nice to acknowledge that it wasn't a waste, i rly appreciate that reminder :) also i feel like we've had some rly similar experiences djfhf

abt the manipulation thing : yh i think sometimes it is defintely a personal thing and i think that i've communicated w them that they can tell me if they feel like smth is off/they feel bad abt smth so i feel like at this point there's nothing else i can do...i appreciate all of ur reminders a lot !!!!

#asks #anon #♡♡♡ #thank u thank u thank u #i care abt u a lot anon #i should give u a name i think this isnt the first ask youve sent me #starlight anon #cos the star and the heart . and when stars fall in love w the world starlight is made #so it makes sense