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mr-dwight-dwicky · 3 years

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((Mod’s about to get a little cheesy on main so prepare yourself.))

So, one year ago, something strange happened to this blog. Another Muse (namely Honey-Zim @definitelynotan-alien ) suddenly started sending this bastard gifts, which spiraled into yet another kidnapping for the Denivar clan. However, what does this asshole do instead of actually trying to kill the kid? He fucking plays a game of Go Fish with him. To top things off, this fucker finds himself in a deep (drunk) conversation with the very man who’s taken his clone under his wing. And man, oh, man did that start a road I didn’t even know exist.

Let me be very clear. I had absolutely no intention of giving this fucker a second chance at life. I had plans upon plans in my head about how he would finally meet his end. And yet...none of them came to be. I make jokes all the time that I don’t actually control my characters, that they decide what direction they would like to go and I simply transcribe it. And in the case of this fucker, I’ve found it more true than ever.

This bitch basically swindled me into giving him a shot at playing on the other team, or at least a different team, a team of his own, and me, probably being in the middle of my own crisis, decided to give it to him.

I understand why people don’t like Dwight. And, like he would agree, I’m not asking anyone to. I’m not asking anyone to forgive him. No one is entitled to forgiveness, and I hope with the way I write Chance in this situation I make that exceptionally clear (As someone with a family member who has hurt me so much, who I don’t think I can ever truly forgive, it comes off as good projection fuel I guess lmao)

However, I guess I just want to talk a little bit about how this was a good thing. How regardless of how little Dwight deserves anything he’s been given this year - though we know how Addie and Diana Prince feel about the concept of deserve. I want to explain why I feel like, in the end, I made the right choice. Not just for Dwight. But for myself.

The last two years have not been kind to me. In January of 2019 I was in a car accident. A guy ran a stop sign and hit me so hard the entire passenger side of the front of my car caved in. My ankle was severely broken, three of my vertebrae were chipped, and I suffered a concussion. I was in the hospital for six days, went through two surgeries, three months of physical therapy to learn to walk again. And all throughout this, I realized the man I married was no longer someone who could/would give me the support I needed, that he was no longer someone I wanted to be bound to.

So the New Years came, and I had no idea what it had in store. But from the first day of 2020, no matter what happened, writing Dwight Dwicky in a different way, in a different voice, became sort of a therapy in itself (the irony, I know.) In a way, I was making the impossible possible, peeling back layers of a man who I had portrayed as a monster for so, so long. I did my best to make sure his transgressions weren’t forgotten, to not give him complete freedom, but to give him the chance grow, to build this life with Leera and Johnny and Egan, and even having Addie for the sassiest commentary. It made me happy.

And so 2020 became, despite all the odds, the year of doing what made me happy.

I worked two jobs and was exhausted. I was about to quit the one at Dollar General when the pandemic hit, causing me to lose my serving job. And yet I kept on trucking as much as I could, writing how Dwight’s relationships began to change little by little, how he began to grow little by little. March came and I was officially divorced...and I was also (unbeknownst to my dumb gay ass) falling in love.

Slowly but surely, this dastardly villain I had painstakingly created with the wildest plot twist I’d ever written (more so in the canon Interstellar fics) had become a fucking comfort character. A reminder that true strength isn’t found in being cut-throat or stoic or alone. It’s found in the people I know I can always depend on. It’s found in the ability to know when I’m wrong and to do what it takes to make it right, to know that no one owes me anything, including forgiveness. But also that confidence is not something someone is born with. It is built. It is manifested.

A job opportunity came my way, for the first time I found myself having to be cunning, having to learn to read people, but also to swallow my pride and ask for help when I need it most. To reach out when I feel like I’m at my worst. And, through teaching Dwight the very same, I learned that it was more than okay for me to feel, and for me to talk about those feelings. That I didn’t need to do everything, anything, alone.

It was around this point that my dumb gay ass did come to realize I was falling for one of my friends. I went back and forth for days, but finally, in very true Dwight “fuck it” fashion, I finally said something.

We’ve now been dating for 7 months :D

It’s dramatic, I know, to say in perhaps the worst year in the history of the world, that my allowing this grumpy, terribly, vengeful, sour old man go from megalomaniac to dilf not only help me cope, but was a turning point for one of the worst years of my life becoming simultaneously one of the best but...I can’t help but feel like that’s exactly what happened.

I would never ask anyone to give this bastard a chance. The red in his ledger is insurmountable, and only in a work of fiction could something like what I’ve done fly, and I know it. But I suppose I just wanted to talk about how it’s felt weaving such a beautiful, complex story, and I can’t wait to continue writing more of his trials and tribulations in the coming new year.

2020 has be tumultuous, but I hope you, too, have found something to hold on to that helped you stay afloat, and I hope 2021 brings you new and better opportunities. And at the end of the day, seize what makes you happy. Fuck anyone who tries to bring you down from it.

Sincerely, Cat (the Mod)

#ooc #~mod speaks~#car accident tw #broken bones tw #concussion tw #surgery mention #new years #2020 #2021 #long post

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howtohero · 5 years

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#219 Macguffins

Superheroes know better than anyone that not everything is created equal. Just like there are human beings who can perform incredible feats and possess unparalleled powers, so too are there items or objects that can perform incredible feats and possess unparalleled powers. These objects are your kingmaking swords, your orbs of all everything, your matrices, your vectors, your parabolas of ultimate destiny. These objects are collectively known as macguffins, and you really need to get your hands on them.

A macguffin is, how do I describe it? (You’re a writer!) Hush! A macguffin, and I want to do this justice because it is literally impossible to overstate their importances, is a catch all term for all of the world’s most important items ever. And while that may sound like an oxymoron -how can there be multiple most important items?- I assure you that it is not. Every single one of these items, devices, jewels, folders, suitcases, and guys named Ryan is the singular most valuable, powerful and relevant (to all situations) item in the cosmos. The terms, in most universes, comes from the wizard Maxamillidiousfrey “Mac” Guffin who spent his retirement years enchanting dozens of objects and then sending poor schlubs on quest after quest to retrieve them all.

Throughout your career as a derring-do-gooder, you’ll find that you’ll have to track down many a macguffin. As you should be, as one of the most powerful and noble beings in the universe, it is only natural that you should be selected to track down the holy grail or the ark of the covenant or that droid that escaped from the future and has the outcomes for the next forty world series. (Yes, you read that right folks, baseball is gonna continue to exist for the next forty years. That’s approximately 97,200 more regular season professional baseball games. Karallaxus have mercy on our souls.) Or, if this is something you’ve taken upon yourself, it only makes sense that after centuries of dead-ends, failed expectations and mysterious deaths, that you should be the one to finally find this mysterious hidden object, because you’re the hero. And that’s what heroes do.

But since these items are so insanely, infamously and incomprehensibly indomitable, you certainly won’t be the only one searching for it. Why, these objects are so mighty that they can be used to do such “i” things! Think of the great evil that can be performed with such omnipotent objects. Lots of great evil. Which actually isn’t very great at all. So you can be sure that plenty of greedy, self-serving, or just plain megalomaniacal entities are going to be following the same trail towards all-power that you are. Obviously you can’t allow such unmatched potential to fall into the hands of a supervillain (or even a petty criminal. Most petty criminals are simply one divine doohickey away from qualifying for supervillain-hood) the only person pure of heart enough to properly handle a godly goober such as the macguffin you’re chasing is you.

So, when on the trail for a juicy macguffin, make sure you’re not actually allowing someone with ill-intentions to get their hands on it. When compiling your team (if you even need a team to help you with this, some hyper-powerful hero you are) make sure to do extensive background checks on anybody and everybody who you’re bringing on to help you in your quest. Everybody from your fellow heroes to the guide who will be leading you through the psychedelic tundra or digital rain forest where legend says your macguffin lies. If any of them have any history of not paying traffic tickets or mercenary work or, say, turning into a cackling, wild-eyed, lunatic when they come into contact with glowing crystals of unknown origin, they should quietly be removed from your roster. Once you’ve down all the internal housekeeping you can do, you need to make sure that none of the progress you make in deciphering the riddles or uncovering the clues history has left you is able to help any villains.

Supervillains are a lazy lot, and they’ve been known to allow a superhero or earnest adventurer or self-declared genius to do all the heavy lifting and searching before swooping in and claiming the prodigious object for themselves. (And then using it to turn everybody in the world into a monkey or a puddle of goop or whatever.) So you need to make sure they can’t piggyback off of your journey. That can mean anything from simply not publicizing your findings to starting a deliberate misinformation campaign. Have your interns come up with, and then leak, lies to all the major media outlets. (Make sure they’re interns who have never been kidnapped by supervillains, you don’t want any sleeper agents or trojan horses leaking any real info to the bad guys.) Tell them to have fun with it. When it comes to locating macguffins, nothing is too outrageous or unbelievable. They could say that you’ve determined, based on a tip from a friendly mer-lion, that the location of the fifth crystal of chaos can be found tattooed on the inner lip of an oyster at the bottom of the Indian Ocean. They could say that research done by Professor Leon Von Iguanodon has revealed that the Lost Heart of Floon is actually located on an asteroid in the Kuiper Belt. They could even say that after hours of meditation you received a vision saying that the map to the fabled Ankh of Ramesweets can only be found in a fifth edition printing of a beloved children’s book. They could say anything and the bad guys would still have to pay it serious consideration because it still wouldn’t be the wildest thing that’s ever happened in pursuit of a macguffin. Don’t get distracted by this step though. While it’s true that it’s incredibly fun and amusing to send supervillains on increasingly elaborate and evermore absurd wild goose chases, please remember that you need to delegate it to someone else. You need to stay focused on actually finding this macguffin. The entire world, nay, the entirety of all worlds, nay the entirety of everything that ever once existed or ever will exits, depends on you finding this object. This is not hyperbole. You need to find the macguffin.

Over the course of your pursuit of the macguffin, you’ll no doubt travel to exotic realms, meet and befriend (or antagonize) fascinating people, you might lose a limb, you might gain a limb, anything can happen. You’ll fight goons, beasts, the stone dragon that guards the Crypt of Eve. You’ll lose your mind and find your soul and discover your heart. (Sometimes literally, remember when Tattler discovered his own still-beating heart at the bottom of an infinite well at the culmination of a seven year quest?) You’ll accrue stories by the dozen, and you’ll have the scars to prove it. But at the end, oh boy, at the end it will have all been worth it. Because you’ll find it. You’ll find the amulet, the scarab, the piece of grilled cheese with a religious figure’s face on it. After all those years. After all those who tried before you fell. After everyone told you to give up, that you were a fool for even believing in the thing that you spent your entire life searching for. After all of that and more you’ll finally have found it. The macguffin. The most important thing in the galaxy. And you’ll finally be able to use it to... uh... wait one second... to do... hmm... wait, what’s it for again?

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smolbeandrabbles · 5 years

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Mine Would Be You - Jack Morris x Reader (The Meg)

Authors Note: I don’t even know why. So don’t ask. I am interested in the notes this gets. Because... honestly I wrote it for me, so if it gets any... I just... Thank you! I watched this movie on a flight... Because I was like “This will be dumb fun!” and spent the first half like “IS THAT RAINN WILSON!?” Then apparently when I was on holiday - more than one month later - my brain went “Yo! Remember Jack Morris! You should right a fic for him!” And so, I did. All my notes for this movie are literally “Look at Jack Morris - he’s such a babe” when I watched to decide where the two parts were getting cut... Soooo that should give you an indication of where this is going... Disclaimer: I own ‘her’ / ‘you’ I guess... she came from my head. Annoyingly, or I would have been spared this!! Everything else is the movie.

Premise: Jack Morris. Internationally renowned billionaire. Your Boyfriend. Financier of exploration on Mana One. Where you work. It’s his first visit. None of your friends know. And the reason he’s here is the first running of the Mariana trench experiment. Things can only go so wrong... Right?

Word Count: 2908

Warnings: Sex/Rough sex???/Sexual Pre-Amble (Y’know... The way I write it...)

What’s your all time high? Your good as it gets? Your hands down best ever make-up sex? What’s your guilty pleasure? Your old go to? Well, if you asked me, mine would be you… What’s your worst hangover? Your best night yet? Your 90 proof? Your Marlboro Red? The best damn thing you lucked into? That’s easy, baby, mine would be you… Mine would be you; Sun kiss shining… Back road flying… Singing like crazy fools, Making up our own words… laughing ‘til it hurts… Baby if I had to choose my best day ever, My finest hour, My wildest dream come true… Mine would be you.

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Marine research had always been your thing. The sea had called you from when you were very small. It had been the first thing you had really responded to as a baby. And there was nothing better than being near water. Every city you visited if it had an Aquarium, you better believe you were going. It was almost like you picked your travel destinations based on if they had any type of aquatic centre. You loved all marine life. But sharks, sharks you loved like nothing else. Evident by the tattoo across your right shoulder. Usually these two factors caused great pain for your boyfriend, Jack Morris. Any time he suggested a vacation and you innocently suggested some places, he would always pull out his phone to check if it had an aquarium or was costal – and sure enough! And every single time you’d be met with questions like ‘do you not see the sea enough!?’ He was usually faced with a serious ‘No.’ You’d met him at a gala, that your research company just so happened to be attending, that he had sponsored. You weren’t sure you liked him in business; a few drinks in, you’d been a little less hostile and had figured that he might actually care about the same things… He wasn’t sponsoring just to have his name plastered nearly everywhere. So when he had proposed financing a research centre underwater, you wondered if he was first crazy. And second if it had had anything to do with you. You hadn’t actually run that past him because you liked to believe it was all his own idea… He’d built it, he’d financed the research and then he’d asked your company, Zhang Oceanic, to move in. Pretending like it wasn’t your influence, despite the fact you were also asked to work there. Like he hadn’t prompted them to ask you… You felt you owed him, he’d never asked to collect a debt. He just wanted to make you happy. And you were. You weren’t sure he’d thought so much about the consequences; and he hadn’t yet really visited. Every time you got a break, he’d fly you to a landlocked area for a couple of days to ground you back on Earth. Because he knew that eventually you’d be pining to go back to the sea. So, like the good man he was, he took you back to the sea. But no further out than the beach. He was his own type of adventurer; sure, he was a billionaire and he’d show it off. But he was never seen in a suit or behind a desk. It was another thing you liked; he’d rather chill with you, go to a tiny bar downtown or take you on a few days hike somewhere than show you off at an event or at some fancy restaurant. Today however, was a little different. Today he was coming to the facility for the first time. You were in nervous anticipation of this. Because although the bunch of friends that worked there KNEW you had a boyfriend, and had seen a ton of pictures of him, you never talked about him as if he was who he was. In fact, you weren’t sure that when you said his name, they even registered him as their benefactor. Obviously Zhang knew, but he never voiced it. You weren’t sure you liked that either, as you wanted to be here by merit. Not just because Jack was running the entire operation.

He spent half the day pretending you didn’t exist. In a professional sort of manner… Which was both confusing and helpful – though as he was introduced to the team they nearly all turned to you, dying to be the first one to voice the question. Zhang essentially swore them to silence; but also kept Jack away from you. Which you were sure added to the fact he was basically ignoring you. He made a point of asking everyone but you questions and for their opinions. Which also kinda made it obvious that that was what he was doing, so also left the team looking at you quizzically. Especially as he would barely accept handshakes as greetings; Jack was all about hugs. Jack was just all about physical contact; he liked being friendly. He was like a social butterfly and he absolutely had to be involved in everything – that’s why he was always taking you on random adventures where he could soak himself in local culture. Which is likely why he was financing this here and not elsewhere in the world. Though, he had a ways to go learning Chinese, you remembered… Still, him acting like all these people were his new best friends and leaving you in your own bubble made the whole thing look obvious. And even the main group of friends you had made were not the only ones with questions about his behaviour… You’d just have to live with it, for the time being.

It wasn’t until lunch time that any of them actually decided to come over and ask. Or, at least stand at one end of the canteen attempting to push each other over. Jaxx got the short end of the straw; apparently. Everyone was tense and it was making emotions run high. Until Jonas arrived to help you all out; three of your best were trapped on the ocean floor. You got it; but you didn’t see why that meant they would have to take their frustrations out on you. Probably because they weren’t about to ask questions of billionaire financier Jack Morris. “So, he’s the actual Jack Morris?” You swallowed your bite; “Yes.” “Why didn’t you say anything.” “I did – you guys never asked if it was the actual Jack Morris so…” You gave a shrug “That’s on you.” Though defensive, in the back of your mind you felt like you probably shouldn’t be speaking to your best friend in the entire station like this… “Any particular reason he’s acting like you aren’t even here?” “Yeah…” You pointed your spoon to the group watching you both “…Ya’ll judging his girlfriend for working on this station whilst he finances the project.” “Would you be here without him?” You laughed; hadn’t she just proved you right? “Yeah. I’d hope so…” You stood “Would that even matter. It’s clearly all you’re gonna talk about now…” You replaced your canteen tray and exited the canteen at the same time Jack was walking in. There was a visible two second stand-off of very little words before you continued your walk past him. You definitely didn’t need this today.

* You headed back to your room and spent, or tried to spend, the next few hours working or something – anything – that might be helpful or at least sound like it might be helpful whilst you waited on finding Jonas again, and the hope that he might actually come back. It wasn’t really working out for you though. Probably because you were not that hot on anything techy or electrical. On your fourth failed attempt to get anything useful to happen you threw your pen down and groaned, head in your hands; pushing the heels into your eyes until you saw stars for some kind of relief. There was a knock at your door, just what you needed “Who is it?” You were met with radio silence. “Guys. Seriously…” You listened, but still nothing. The shadows breaking the light under your door at least let you know someone was still there. You sighed, definitely not in the mood. “What the F*** do you WAN-” You didn’t get through your sentence as you opened your door. Jack pushed you back with a kiss. Kicking your door shut behind him, he soon had your back pressed up against your wardrobe. And you were kinda furious but also kinda didn’t care. He’d spent all day blatantly ignoring you and thought he could just walk in and do this?! Problem was he just kissed so good… You let him pin your arms back and offered very little resistance to him whilst you got caught up in your first make-out in months of being on this station without him here… Then you remembered he’d been pretending you didn’t exist and got pissed again; pushing him back. “What the HELL do you think you’re doing!?” He didn’t really answer, just gave a look that blatantly said YOU. Which you also clearly didn’t mind by the way he crashed his lips back on yours and lifted you up onto your desk. This scattered papers; which you’d also like to be complaining about, only they were turning out to be fairly useless anyway. You wound your legs around his and your arms around his neck groaning into the hot and heavy kisses he was affording you. Reaching between the two of you he undid your belt buckle and began to slide your jeans down your legs. Not easy given the position he had you in but you weren’t exactly in the mood to help him. Instead much more focused on relieving him of his shirt – and the ball cap he was apparently now insisting on wearing indoors. That found a new home in the far corner of your room; allowing you to run your hands through his hair to mess it up on purpose. He didn’t really like that, growling against your next kiss your shirt soon found a home with it; and after the initial resistance your jeans followed. He pushed you back again so you hit the wall; trailing his rough kisses over your neck and shoulders, you could tell he was determined to leave marks. So, apparently it wasn’t enough for them to just know it was the ‘actual Jack Morris’… now your colleges also had to see it was the ‘actual Jack Morris’?? Still, you were too ready for that sensory overload; grinding your hips impatiently into his you let out a needy sigh. Oh, what months off dry land would do to you. Texting and fantasising had nothing on this. Also, he damn well knew it. He didn’t fly you out to wherever he was on a fully catered private jet for nothing. He hushed you; with just a hint of a smirk. And that only pissed you off even more because you knew that meant he would make you wait. “Now, Now Baby… Calm down…” It was over quickly. Too quickly. Fast and dirty it left you almost drenched in sweat but it was SO worth it. If you had one complaint about your man; it would be Jack had a long recovery time. You were already sitting up on your bed with a vest top and underwear on, staring at the clock and trying to think more about your missing friends that the intense pleasure trip you had just been on… Jack was still breathing heavily as he propped himself up; studying your back as you appeared deep in thought. Specifically, your tattoo. The blue shark – and boy had you corrected him on that one enough times – swimming across your right shoulder blade. He didn’t know a whole lot about marine life; Sharks and Rays especially (your favourites.) other than from what he would learn from time to time on the National Geographic. Then when you happened along Jack Morris started spending a lot of time playing catch up on everything you would always talk about. Now he knew far more about it than he would probably like to. But it had led him here – so, he had no complaints. He sat up; tracing his index finger across the image; “…I can only imagine your reaction to coming face to face with one of these…” You instantly laughed; “They aren’t that big; heck. Most sharks aren’t even dangerous. Maybe for something like a Great White you’d want to be cage diving but everything else…” You gave a shrug “Uh, yeah! Let me at ‘em.” “So much rather you than me…” He kissed your shoulder much gentler this time; although – judging by the colour your skin was turning at points, a little too late. “…All that money and diving with sharks is not on the list?” You shook your head “You’re financing the wrong profession Mr.Morris…” “Well, that’s so you can live your dreams…” He wound his arms around you and pulled you into his chest. “…So long as nothing happens, anyway…” You raised an eyebrow to him, your smile borderline sarcastic; “No shark is gonna eat me.” Then you titled your head “Unless I do something incredibly dumb. Did your beloved National Geographic not teach you that?” Your next smile was teasing “If it didn’t you probably did…” He leant in for another kiss but you pulled away; “OH! So you didn��t listen!?” He was about to protest but you stopped him “Now why doesn’t that surprise me?!” He opened his mouth, then decided against it because right now you were still smiling. “Yeah, okay… I didn’t listen… I’m sorry…” He sighed “Another more money than sense scenario?” Sometimes you believed that; sometimes you thought Jack could be as down to Earth as everyone else… Even more so, at times. “Hmmm… Maybe…” You kissed his cheek at the thoughtful look on his face. Allowing him to turn and kiss you again – before the intercom chimed in your cabin. Alerting you to something urgent you’d have to deal with back in Ops. “Ignore it…” He whispered against your lips – attempting to restart what he’d just finished. “Jack I-” “I’m financing this… ignore it…” He attempted to push you back; but the chime went off again. “No--! No! I’m working, don’t do this!” You were talking to yourself rather than him; wriggling from his grasp you wandered across the room decisively to gather the rest of your clothes. He groaned watching you walk away from him; but it was clear he was trying to vocalise it beyond what it really was. You turned back to look at his face; pouty and hurt that you would just leave him in bed like this “Grow up Jack. I’ll be back soon.” You added a wink and then a wiggle to your step. Which didn’t help him none. You pulled yourself back into your jeans, hair up into a ponytail and grabbed a jacket, because you could tell by just a look in the mirror he’d left marks all over you, and you were about to look enough of a mess as it was. You picked his hat up from the floor; “Can I wear this.” “No!” You gave a shrug and put it on; “Not that you can do anything about it!” You opened your door with a grin “Later Jack!” You shut your door just slow enough to catch “DON’T I EVEN GET AN I LOVE YOU!?” You chuckled to yourself as you walked away; “Nope!” It was the one thing you’d never told him. It was the only thing he’d ever wanted to hear.

* You had the quickest in-and-out shower in the crew bathroom, making sure to tell the bridge you’d be up in 5 minutes. Before redressing for a third time and jogging all the way up as fast as you could. “Sorry. Yeah, shoot. What’s up!?” you sat at your station, laptop running and pen in hand in record time. “We just were going to have a meeting about any ideas anyone had. The next phase of the plan.” “OH. Sure…” You leant back, “I’ve had a few thoughts… Maybe none of them that useful so I apologise in advance…” “Actually…” Jaxx piped up from her own duty station and swivelled to face you “I feel like we owe you an apology…” “…Huh?” You decided it was best not to hold some kind of grudge when you had to work together. You shook your head “Don’t worry about it. I get it…” You folded your arms and focused back on Suyin. “We can’t wait around for them to come back forever.” “Agreed.” You weren’t sure you liked everyone’s reaction to what you had just said. “Well she’s right!” “Thank you. I’m going!” “Wait – what?!” Jaxx turned back to you to explain; “They’re leaking oxygen.” You leapt up to study the screen as Jack waltzed in, intent on finding out what had the audacity to drag you away from him; “OH – that’s just not good!” “So someone should go, right?” You held your hands up, not wanting to take any blame especially as you already appeared to be on shaky ground. “I thought the idea was to try to save people dying on the ocean floor?” Affording yourself to finally look across to him as he kept talking; his hair was wet. Clearly he’d decided he could take time with his own shower… As long as if didn’t look like you might have showered together. Suyin nodded; her decision was long made up though “I’ll take one of the gliders, grab the Origin and tow her up.” Jaxx tried to reel the situation back; “Wait! If one of the Origin’s ballast tanks blows, you’re gonna die too!” She was already half way out the door though; “We have to try.” Jaxx turned to you, with a sigh “Thought you’d be on my side here!” You burst out laughing “THAT’S why you called me up here!?” “Yeeees.” “Alright. Fine…!” You nudged her with a wink “Call it payback!” At least she laughed.

You crossed back to Jack and the look on his face; “Let me guess. You’re currently calculating how many millions is either broken or now going to get broken.” “Well it’s not particularly good. Is it… It’s around-” “Oh stop!” you nudged him “You’ve blow money on more ridiculous ideas than this!” “They’re YOUR ridiculous ideas.” “HUH-!” You smacked his arm; “You take a look at those photographs and tell me how many of those were MINE!” Jaxx and DJ were starting at you both and then looked to each other and just cracked up, making you both turn; “What?!” “Will you two get a ROOM!!!” Jack smirked; taking your hand in his, with the objective of pulling you right back to yours “Well we had one before you guys pulled her up here.” Both their eyes widened making you turn to him in shock; “JACK!!!”

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I don’t know if this will be 2 or 3 parts. I’m thinking I’m still good with 2...

And so I present to you my version of Jack Morris: Bundle of energy like an excited puppy who just wants to be LOVED, but is really aggressive sexually... And has ended up being the embodiment of Philip Grey extreme artist. In fact. Now I know exactly WHY I started writing this.

Gif Credit: @crucifiix

#Jack Morris #Rainn Wilson #The Meg #Linzi Writes #Jack Morris x Reader #Morris x Reader #I have noooo idea what else to tag this with because thats literally it #You can tell your thing for a character is serious when he gets his own playlist...#Jack 'Philip Grey' Morris - Extreme Artist Adventurer Billionaire #YUP. That's canon now.#CAN SOMEONE ADD SOME MORE JACK MORRIS GIFS I'M DYING OVERHERE!!!#19

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ultramanismycopilot · 7 years

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Team Galactic, Or, How I Learned To Stop Feeling And Love Nothing

Like many people, Pokémon represents a big chunk of my childhood. I was hooked from the moment I placed Pokémon Blue into my Gameboy, and to this day I still hold the franchise very close to my heart.

I’ve played at least one mainline game in every generation, and there are very few of them I’d ever call “bad” (some better than others, sure, but none ever dipping below the “good enough” line!).

The 7th Generation of Pokémon games was an interesting experiment, with Sun and Moon taking a much more character-driven focus to its story, as opposed to simply having a wafer-thin plot to fill in the gaps between Gym Leaders.

I can only speak for myself, of course, but I actually rather enjoyed SM for this. Lillie’s story was very interesting to me, and many were the times were I found myself very curious to see where it was headed. That’s not to say there weren’t flaws, obviously (a cutscene skip option would have been nice), and the story wasn’t exactly to the level of the majority of RPGs out there, but for what it was, I found it rather enjoyable.

This was, in no small part, due to its main villain Lusamine, who I’ve seen quite some fans call her the most complex Pokémon villain to date. And while I wouldn’t take away the fact Lusamine is a very interesting villain in her own right, I feel she has strong competition in terms of villainy in the Pokémon world.

Whoever your favorite villain in the entire series is, obviously, down to personal preference. This is just me gushing about a team and villain that I find to be remarkably fascinating for a Pokémon game, and who I believe to be one that gets somewhat misunderstood among the community.

So, with that (way too long) introduction out of the way, let’s talk about Team Galactic!

Team Galactic, for those unaware, is the main villainous team of Generation 4. Their goal, as understood by its Grunts, is the reinvention of the entire universe so that they would be in charge of everything and everyone. They masqueraded as a company devoted to studying alternate energy sources, but behind that lie there were dreams of not just planetary conquest, but of all reality.

This already places them quite a few steps above in terms of ambition from the team before them, and even those that came later. It’s not money they crave like the Rockets, and they’re certainly not doing this out of a misguided attempt at saving the environment like Aqua or Magma.

Galactic’s Grunts, however, could possibly be described as even dumber than any of those teams, and that’s no secret. Despite their lofty goals, Galactic Grunts are dumb as rocks, acting like no more than petty thugs and thieves and bringing plenty of unwanted attention towards their organization. As they are, their sole strength is in numbers, as the Grunts alone would be incapable of staging any of attacks seen throughout the course of the game.

As such, Team Galactic relies on its circle of Commanders to get things done: Saturn, Mars, Jupiter, and Charon (in Platinum). Unlike the Grunts, they manage to be somewhat of a bigger threat, but despite being smarter they still hold much of the same idea as Grunts in regards to their organization and what their goals are. There’s a few exceptions however: Saturn seems to be driven by curiosity; Mars seems to believe Team Galactic is doing the world a favor; Jupiter seems to only care about ruling over Sinnoh; and Charon is only in it for the money.

However, none of them, not even the Commanders, truly understood what their leader had in store, and what is real plans actually were. The man called Cyrus had plans far, far different from what his organization envisioned, and this is where the really interesting bits start to pop up.

Without beating around the bush any longer, Cyrus can be succinctly and quite accurately described in just two words: cult leader.

While Cyrus’s goals towards universal reset weren’t a secret to Team Galactic, what that actually entailed was. Cyrus brought in all of his followers with promises of power beyond their wildest dreams, and a chance to become greater than anything they every imagined. He’d rally them with passionate speeches about their mission, and the impact that Team Galactic, not just himself, would have upon the planet:

Cyrus: Fellow members of Team Galactic! Hear me! My name, as I appear to you today, is Cyrus. This world of ours is a crude one. In a word, it is incomplete. It has been, and always will be, a struggle to survive in this world. We humans and Pokémon are likewise incomplete. Because we are all so lacking, we fight, we maim... It is ugly. I hate the incompleteness. That we are all incomplete, I hate it with my entire body and being. The world should be complete. The world must change. Then, who will change it? Me, Cyrus. And Team Galactic. Yes, all of you. Together we pored over myths and exposed their secrets. Together we captured legendary Pokémon. And now, Team Galactic has obtained the energy to change the world! The power of dreams is within our grasp! Understand it, fellow members! My long-held dreamworld is on the verge of becoming reality. All those headed to Mt. Coronet, and those who remain here... Though our missions may differ, our hearts beat as one. Let there be glory for Team Galactic!

This was the lie Cyrus told his followers, and while we only see this speech in the game, a post-game interaction with Saturn leaves enough implication this was a common tactic by Cyrus to get people to join him:

Saturn: Our leader, Master Cyrus, hated the very idea of spirit. He hated spirit for being incomplete. And yet, using fiery exhortations, he rallied the spirit of others. What he hated most, he used to control others. Isn't that ironic?

I’ll get to that last point later, but what Team Galactic didn’t realize was that Cyrus had no intention of allowing Team Galactic into his perfect world. Quite the contrary, Cyrus had no respect or use for his minions beyond them being the muscle that carried his plans:

Cyrus: You heard my speech, I take it. Snicker... A big lie, of course. It's true, insofar as my intention is to create a new world. But that world isn't for the likes of Team Galactic. I seek an entirely new world solely for myself. If not, it could never be the complete and perfect world. You've seen my minions of Team Galactic. You yourself must know that they are uniformly useless and incomplete.

Team Galactic were nothing more than pawns, and Cyrus knew this from the start. His entire organization was filled to the brim with morons, as morons don’t ask quite as many questions. But more than that, all members of Team Galactic go against Cyrus’s core belief: that spirit is at the core of life’s whole faults.

I think of one of the key points to try and understand Cyrus is his mention of “spirit”. This can mean many things depending on who you ask, but in Cyrus’s case, “spirit” can just as easily mean emotions and desires, if not the soul itself. Cyrus’s faith is that these things are at the root of all of life’s woes: it is the emotions that govern life that create the problems life faces. So, for example, anger begets violence; avarice begets lies and cheating; happiness and love cloud one’s judgment; etc.

Cyrus is a man who values logical thinking and judgment above all things, and his logical conclusion as to why bad things happen in the world is because “spirit” is the thing that blinds life to a perfect existence ruled solely by what is logical. To put it in even more simply: Cyrus wants everyone to be Vulcans.

It should be pointed out that Cyrus’s disdain of “spirit” isn’t only aimed towards the human spirit. He has plenty of hatred towards Pokémon as well. His struggle is against all life, rather than just a few portions of it.

But there lies a detail about Cyrus that I feel often gets overlooked, yet is why I find Cyrus to be one of the most interesting, if not complex, characters in the entire Pokémon franchise: Cyrus hates spirit not because he deems himself superior to it, but because he hates himself for being bound to it.

I think it’s a common misconception that Cyrus either wishes to become an all-powerful god or that he himself is already emotionless, when his character’s is more complicated than that. As far as Cyrus becoming a god is concerned, this is only the case in Diamond and Pearl, where the story takes a much different (and weaker, in my opinion) path. There isn’t much to Team Galactic there, and given how Dawn/Lucas meeting Giratina is mentioned in later games, I doubt they’re meant to be canon.

Platinum is where the real story lies, and where I think Cyrus stands in the canon proper. And in Platinum, while Cyrus certainly loves to brag about how he has left behind emotion and sentimentality to become a cold and logical machine, the story is set up to prove this is not the case. Cyrus is just as much a victim of the thing he hates, and this is what drives him above all else. This is the side of Cyrus we see when he gets transported to the Distortion World, and all of his plans start to unravel before his eyes:

Cynthia: ...The places we are born. The time we spend living... The languages we speak... We are all different. But the presence of Pokémon unites us. We share our lives with our Pokémon and our happiness grows as we all become greater than we were alone. That is why we can battle and trade with anyone we choose...

Cyrus: Silence! Enough of your blathering! That's how you justify spirit as something worthwhile?! That is merely humans hoping, deluding themselves that they are happy and safe! The emotions roiling inside me... Rage, hatred, frustration... These ugly emotions arise because of my own incomplete spirit!

This is what separates Cyrus from someone like Ghetsis (who took many inspiration from Cyrus’s plan): Cyrus, ultimately, hates himself just as much as he hates everyone he’s fighting against. He doesn’t want a new world to rule over it as the most perfect being, but instead so he can fix his own flaws and become perfect alongside the rest of the universe.

It is important to note that at no point in Platinum does Cyrus ever make the claim he wishes to rule the world. All of his lines are in relation to changing the world, and turn into a better place:

Cyrus: My aim is to rid our world of the vague and incomplete thing we call spirit. By freeing ourselves of that, our world can be made complete. That is my justice! No one can interfere!

Cyrus doesn’t believe what he’s doing is a bad thing. More than that, he doesn’t think he’s doing it just for his own sake. In his mind, he’s doing everyone a favor by imposing his will and removing all emotion from existence. His introductory line isn’t a lie at all to him:

Cyrus: My name is Cyrus. I want to put an end to pointless strife and hostility.

He’s a man with an incredibly twisted, yet still at its core noble, goal. Someone who wanted to end all strife by causing strife; who used emotions to end emotions, and whose goals began because he felt so strongly about his creed. Cyrus himself is the very thing he hates, as he became the cause of the same strife he championed against by falling victim to the same emotions he fought against. As Saturn put it: “Isn’t that ironic?”

Another common misconception (one sadly perpetuated by the Generations youtube series) is that Cyrus got what he wanted in the end. Ending up in the Distortion World, he was finally in a world free of spirit. This is not the case, as Cyrus has no intentions or desire to remain alone, as the game pointed out:

Cynthia: Why do you seek to change the world? If you hate our world you should just go off somewhere alone. Find somewhere where you can live without seeing others.

Cyrus: Why should I run and hide from the world and have to wait quietly? My aim is to rid our world of the vague and incomplete thing we call spirit. By freeing ourselves of that, our world can be made complete. That is my justice! No one can interfere!

Cyrus quest isn’t one for solitude. He has an enemy, and no reason to stop his goals as long as that enemy exists. After all, what’s to stop another megalomaniac villain to rise up and begins tampering with the fabric of the universe? The Distortion World isn’t immune to this, meaning even if it was his perfect world, it isn’t safe from the effects spirit has on those in the “real” world.

Cyrus is a man obsessed, and more likely than not, one that has plunged too deeply into the madness of his beliefs. This is why the ending to Platinum rings harder in my mind, and Cyrus himself sticks out as a fantastic villain in my eyes, not just in Pokémon, but just in general. Unlike Giovanni, he doesn’t choose to reform and study Pokémon. Unlike Archie and Maxie, he doesn’t see the error of his ways. Unlike Ghetsis, he doesn’t break down and gets captured. Unlike Lysandre, he isn’t presumed dead, and unlike Lusamine, he wasn’t under the influence of an otherworldly creature.

Cyrus leaves the story the same man he started it. His mentality remained exactly the same, as well as his goals. He had no intention to stop, no intention to redeem himself, and no intention to ever admit he may have been wrong. Instead, Cyrus exits the scene with a (as-of-yet unfulfilled) promise:

Cyrus: I will break the secrets of the world. With that knowledge, I will create my own complete and perfect world. One day, you will awaken to a world of my creation. A world without spirit.

(Thank you very much if you’ve stuck with this post this far!)

#pokemon #pokemon diamond and pearl #pokemon platinum #pokemon villains #pokemon villain #team galactic #team galactic cyrus #galactic boss cyrus #pokemon cyrus #cyrus

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blueskyheadleft010 · 7 years

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Analysis of Stevenbomb: Wanted

There be spoilers under the cut

Ok, so first off I want to say that I am very pleased with this strong narrative Season 5 has started with and am dying for the next episode(s) to come out even though we have none scheduled as of yet. (I swear to goodness it better not be an entire month before we get another episode I’ll be frothing at the mouth and dying by then).

I’ll go ahead and skip analyzing Stuck Together since it aired early and most of the internet has already seen it. Having said that, let’s proceed to The Trial.

While there’s a lot to say about this episode, I’ll try my best to summarize it as just WOW.

True to her word, Rebecca has done it again by giving the fandom exactly what it has been waiting for since Jailbreak Season 1. A meeting of the Diamonds with Steven acting as a key factor. To be honest, I was honestly surprised we were getting straight to the point with this episode, seeing how Steven just sorta decided to surrender at the last moment in I am my Mom, but I’m grateful the Crewniverse wastes no time throwing us into the hellfire of a 6,000-year-old grudge against Rose Quarts as we finally get to see exactly what roles the Diamonds play on Homeworld.

I absolutely adored Zircon in this scene; trying her best to be a good lawyer and losing her cool, and yeah I get the show’s ‘logic’ is supposed to for kids, but honestly her dialogue had me raising an eyebrow or two as she tried to state her case, and I think even Steven knew she was getting nowhere with her argument.

Speaking of that, the attitudes that the different Zircons and Pearls have towards their own kind ruled under different Diamonds was an interesting little bit of information that clearly shows gems don’t seem to find ‘compassion’ and ‘friendship at the top of their list; at least when it comes to other gems ruled under another Diamond. (I also loved how Y-Pearl typed her entry in, while B-Pearl drew pictures. :3)

Adding Lars in for the trial was an interesting touch that I think surprised just about everyone, seeing how up until now he hasn’t really been significant to the plot other than for comedic relief and furthering Steven’s own maturity. I like how he’s just sorta dragged around by the gems, yet is still allowed to do his own thing to an extent. (So long as he doesn’t interfere with whatever the gems are doing). Seeing how he helps keep Steven grounded and focused on the mission I think is what makes him an important plot piece in the episode, as otherwise I think Steven would be very overwhelmed without a direct goal in mind. (And that goal is saving Lars and getting out of there.)

Blue Zircon really makes her debut after the brief court recess, as she finally gets her act together after Steven provides her with some actual evidence, and completely turns the tables around as she goes as far as to accuse the Diamonds of sabotage based on the factual evidence and eye witness accounts.

Here’s something I found funny. Eyeball as a witness. She had no real reason to be there, and frankly made herself look even worse when she admitted Steven healed her during the trial. Why would a Diamond shatterer heal an enemy gem? ;) Still, it was a nice little touch the Crewniverse added for comedic effect and I loved it all the same.

I’ll wrap it up by saying that Yellow seemed pretty mad to be accused of treason, though I have my suspicions that she’s not the real culprit here, nor is Blue. (Though dang Blue’s emotion manipulating abilities are something to be afraid out.) It might be White, since she’s not been seen yet, and she may not even exist I’m just spit balling, or it might be a color switching/shapeshifting alien/gem? We’ve never seen before.

Point is, Rose is pretty much confirmed to not be the killer of Pink Diamond. I’d bet my two cents that she loved PD, and that Pink was actually trying to help humans. :O

Off Colors

Oh you sneaky writers, you ;)

I really like how the title not only foreshadows Lars’ death, but is also a slang term for ‘defect’ on Homeworld, which I never guessed either would be canon in my wildest dreams.

So, we basically meet 3 new gems (8/9/10 ½ ??? If you count the fusions and whatnot) and Lars becomes a hardcore hero who sacrifices himself to save his new friends.

I have to give props to Lars for doing what he did, seeing how he’d basically been a yellow-belly this entire time and only ran away from his problems. Honestly I expected him to do the same this time around, but when I watched him interact with the defects I realized that he saw something he’d never expected to see in those gems. Himself. And why is this significant?

Let me put this in perspective for ya,

Have you ever looked at an old photo of yourself doing something either embarrassing or something that reminds you of a darker time in your life and go, “If only I had a time machine and could go back and tell myself not to do ‘x’ or that life will get better if you just hang on a bit longer… Then life would be so much better for the both of us.” This is Lars seeing his past-self reflected in these, scared, defenseless gems, who have no one to help them.

So this is why Lars decides to become courageous and be the hero he’s always wished he could be but was too afraid to act, and goes ape sh*t on the robonoids because he knows he’s the only line of defense they’ve got.

So ya, needless to say I’m very proud of Lars for sticking up for himself and protecting the defects from Homeworld.

(Also A+ writing for the team thinking about Lars being ‘invisible’ to the Robonoid’s scanners and using that against them! It was amazing and heroic and alkjfhdgjkdhfjgkhfj!)

Lars’ Head

So a bit of a misleading title, but understandable given it’s hard to explain what’s just occurred in a few short words while simultaneously not spoiling the episode. (Even though everyone already knows that Lars is Pink Lion 2.0 from the previous episode).

So wow, again I never expected this to be a canon thing in the SUniverse.

I can’t really express the excitement I got when Lars was revived by Steven, the team discussing death (briefly and without literally saying that word ‘death’ just ‘away from life’), and Lars is PINK now. (And has what I assume is a BA permanent eye scar, along with the fact his ear lobes are probably stretched out forever now hahahaha sucks to be you Lars! ;D)

I think Lars accurately summed up everyone’s thoughts when he asked Steven “Am I a zombie now?!?” because let’s face it, yes Lars, you are in fact a very, very, magical pink zombie. J

So yeah, let’s talk about the defect gems for a second since I totes forgot about them in favor of paying attention to my Pink Son for a moment.

We’ve got the Twins of Rutile, Rhodonite, Flourite, and Padparadscha Sapphire (Which I’m gonna call P-Sapphire for now).

The twins are rather interesting, as they seem to be the most level-headed of the team, as well as quite possibly two of the brighter gems in the group. I just really love how they don’t seem to be all that concerned about their appearance, and more concerned about the group, which really shows how compassionate they are in comparison to some of the other characters on the show which are way more hung up on their looks than caring for others.

Rhodonite wasn’t a major shocker for me, seeing how we’ve already been filled in about Garnet’s past, but it did raise some eyebrows about how two gems fused on Homeworld and weren’t shattered right away for doing so, just merely replaced. I think theirs’s a lot more to their story the Crewniverse didn’t have time to put in, but hopefully somewhere along the lines we’ll see her again and get to know more about the two of them.

Flourite is… Interesting. Besides the obvious fact that she looks like the Hookah smoking caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland, her personality and combination of gems is so distinct from the others that it’s amazing she’s actually a stable fusion. I get the underlying theme is polyamory for her, but besides that it’s something else to see such a massive fusion remain so gentle and kind while not bickering between herself since she’s got like 6 or 8 gems… Sidenote: something interesting I wanted to point out was how slow Flourite talks when she’s speaking, and one can only assume that’s because of how many gems she’s comprised of, which is fascinating. It speaks volumes that the more gems involved in a fusion, the more time it seems to take to sync up thoughts and even actions, as demonstrated by Flourite’s behavior.

Lastly, P-Sapphire. A classic Rosalina appearance with a heart of gold. I’m really curious to know how the heck she survived this long and how she found this rag-tag misfit of gems since she can only predict the recent past, as she seems to constantly be stuck in her visions as demonstrated by her actions. Regardless, she’s still really cute and I love how eager and excited she is about everything, so hopefully we’ll get to see her character arc grow past just comedic relief.

Anyways, back to Lars. The fact that Lars is essentially a portal home is cool enough, but when Steven steps inside it’s shown he’s got his own tree in there too. So I get Rose can do plant stuff, which explains the tree on? in? Lars, but what I don’t understand is the portal power since it doesn’t seem to be connected to either of her abilities.

The fact Rebecca decided to leave the defects and Lars on Homeworld was a surprise, but an understandable one, not for the story’s sake, but because trying to fit Flourite through Lars’ hair would be a nightmare that I don’t think anyone would want to explain.

So Steven discovers he’s a necromancer and that Lion’s his undead slave pet, and then the gems and Connie and Greg all show up just in time to have a reunion and happy tears are shed. (And then Steven proceeds to eat everything in sight, prompting Greg to go out and buy the boy some more bread lol).

So much has been left out in the open, and I get the distinct feeling this is gonna be the least season for this show. L Still, I feel like everything’s gonna be amazing when we get the next episode, so for now I’m rather content. :D

#su #su spoilers #su wanted #steven universe #why do i do this to myself #help #su analysis #stuff #lars #pink lion #off colors #the trial #lars head #homeworld #the diamonds #a summary #my hands can't stop typing #my computer is literally burning up the cpu as we speak

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literateape · 7 years

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A Decade in Chicago, Ten Years of Mastering Disappointment

By David Himmel

“Trouble creates a capacity to handle it.” —Oliver Wendell Holmes

I pulled up to my girlfriend’s apartment in the mid-afternoon. My left arm was exceptionally darker than my right from hanging it out of the car window during my week-and-a-half drive from Las Vegas to Chicago. I reeked of road dirt, midwest wind, beef jerky and Red Bull. I hadn’t shaved or showered in six days and I needed to take a crap desperately.

Finally, after a decade of imagining it, I had arrived in Chicago. The Big City. Home. Although I didn’t look the part, I was ready to take the place by storm. Within three months, it was clear that instead, Chicago was going to bend me over its knee and spank my ass red with the rotten corpse femur of Daddy Daley while I helplessly, and more and more self-destructively, took the beating like a frightened little bitch.

It’s not quite fair that I called Chicago home upon my arrival. I’d never lived in Chicago proper. I grew up in Flossmoor and my only real experiences in Chicago involved punk shows at the Fireside Bowl, trips to the museums and Loop theatre productions, a few fancy dinners downtown, the Christmas windows and elves at Marshall Field’s, Passover in the ballroom at the Carlyle and White Sox baseball games. I visited Chicago a lot. And I never longed to live there. The thought never crossed my mind.

But when I moved to Las Vegas to attend college, Chicago instantly became a destination for me—my home for which I pined. Throughout all the emo-fueled heartbreak I experienced in my late teens through my late twenties, the longing for Chicago was always present among them. Why? Because Las Vegas wasn’t a real city. Because Chicago had a useful public transportation system (which I’d never used while growing up in the south suburbs). Because Chicago had Mike Royko (even though he was quite dead before I moved to Vegas). Basically, it was because I was a young blowhard who refused to be content with his station in life and took some strange joy in chest pounding around Las Vegas because I was from the third largest city in the Union and we had two major league baseball teams. How many did Las Vegas have? None. So there.

Yeah, I was an asshole. More importantly, I was wrong.

There was nothing so terrible with Las Vegas. I just needed to get used to it, find my place, make my home. And I did. The decade there was, unsurprisingly, a fantastic decade. I was in my most formative years, 18–28. I made some of my best friends. I had some of the strangest, wildest and funniest experiences that, when I think back on them, are almost hard to believe. Hell, it’s why I think the Hangover movies are so stupid. I lived a version of all three and my version was weirder, had more celebrity encounters and people actually died. Eat shit Hollywood. I digress… I worked a lot of different jobs. I became a writer and a radio deejay. I built a radio station at UNLV, I did a lot of standup comedy and hosted my own room. I had a lot of sex. I witnessed that frontier town grow at an insanely fast pace around me. I bought a home with a pool in the backyard. I swam naked in that pool and became a responsible homeowner. A lot happened while I lived in Las Vegas and I ended up having a great time essentially achieving manhood—adulthood—there.

But Chicago was always in my sights. Once I got past my angsty bullshit, Chicago became a destination because it was, actually, a bigger city. There were larger institutions I wanted to get my radio and writing and comedic skills in front of. And yeah, the majority of my family was in Chicago. The goal became reasonable and truly righteous.

So as the decade in Las Vegas neared, I took inventory of my life. I was making decent money. I was working a lot, writing for a lot of different publications. My standup was going well. I was as confident as I’d probably ever been. I concluded that this was the time to make my move. It had been 10 years. I had momentum. Now was when I had to propel myself to the next stage, which was Chicago.

It’s important to note here that the final catalyst to the move came in the form of a woman. And don’t they always? A few months before the move, I started a long-distance relationship with an old college friend of mine who still had family in Vegas but currently lived in Chicago as an aggrandized corporate drone at one of those big aggrandized companies downtown. We were both excited at the prospect of what the relationship could be, so with my confidence in full swing and a girl waiting for me at the other end, I gave my day gig two-weeks’ notice, broke the news to my friends, arranged for my best friend to live in my house until I could sell it, stuffed my VW Golf with as much as I could and headed out.

The one thing I didn’t to do was line up work for when I arrived in Chicago. But I wasn’t worried about that. I'd get something. How could I not? Who wouldn't want me? I was talented and a successes. Instead of rushing there or being professionally and financially prepared, I’d take a lengthy road trip by myself stopping along the way to visit a few friends in California, scoot up into the Pacific Northwest, maybe peek into Canada, scoot through the northern states and come on down via Wisconsin. I would see some things, meet some people. Bask in America. It would be my last youthful hurrah before finding a job and becoming Chicago’s greatest import since Al Capone.

What I didn’t know and couldn’t have planned for was that the economy and the tarot cards of my life were about to take a total shit right on my face.

Everything is terrible I pulled up to that girlfriend’s high rise apartment on Lake Shore Drive on June 8, 2007. The market for creatives, such as myself, was starting to seize. Shortly thereafter, the housing market stalled on its ascent and then plummeted. I struggled to find a job and opted to take my house in Vegas off the market. I humped real hard for freelance work but the pay was horrendous. I did a bundle of stories for RedEye and Metromix, mostly covering bars and restaurants. I actually lost money on these stories. They didn’t reimburse for the meals so between that and the parking, and the bus and train rides, and the requests to re-write and re-re-write so that the story was void of all writer influence, it just wasn’t worth it. On top of that, RedEye rejected several of my pitches only to hand them over to their staff writers. I’m not alone in this experience. Fuck the RedEye. It is all that is wrong with journalism.

I struggled to get my byline anywhere else. The other publications in town either weren’t accepting freelancers or weren’t paying freelancers. Marketing and advertising positions weren’t available. I signed up with a few of those talent placement companies that brokers freelancers out to companies, and in my interview with one agent, I was told, “There just aren’t any jobs right now.” I didn’t have the kind of connections and clout I had in Las Vegas. This was hard work, which I didn’t mind, but I felt more and more that I didn’t know how to hustle because I was getting nowhere.

I was forced to take an inside sales job at CareerBuilder, which is the height of irony, because CareerBuilder for me was career purgatory. And when the financial market collapsed in 2008, kicking off the Great Recession, CareerBuilder laid me off. As the suit from the corporate office broke the news to us that Friday afternoon, he encouraged us to use the CareerBuilder services in our searches for new jobs. I laughed and told him that I already had my resume on Monster.com.

On top of all that, the relationship with the live-in girlfriend was rotten and emotionally abusive. She was awful to me and I was awful to be around. Shortly before I arrived in June, my parents finalized their divorce. Navigating those strange and choppy waters was hard on my sensitive little heart. I was unemployed. I had no money and no prospects. There were times when she was understanding but mostly she would berate me for not earning enough or being able to get steady work. She once attempted to prove to me just how much of a failure I was by saying, “You’ve been fired from every freelance job you’ve had.” I explained to her that there’s a difference between being fired from, and completing a freelance job. The two are mutually exclusive. But what did she know? This was a girl who was making $175,000 at age 28. Her understanding of the struggles of a new writer living in Chicago while the economy was crumbling all around was non existent. But like I said, I was awful to be around because I was miserable at every turn. And she did little to help. Unless you consider helping accusing me of abandoning her and possibly cheating when I would be out late performing standup at open mics in quiet bars occupied by seven other male comics.

Keep your chin up and your head down, I like to say. It’s good advice. It’s not something you’d find on a faux distressed wood sign for sale at Target, but it’s rational advice. Heh, perhaps you won’t find it on one of those stupid signs because it’s rational advice.

So why didn’t I leave her? Looking back on it with several years of hindsight that arrived almost the moment we finally broke up, I can tell you that it was because I needed a place to live. She covered my share of the rent—and gave me shit about it—when I couldn’t afford it. If we broke up, I’d have to live with my dad in Flossmoor. And that wasn’t an option. It had become a broken home and my nerves were no longer steeled. I was fragile. The thought of it depressed me even more. Moving in with my dad in the house where I grew up would be undeniable proof that I had failed. Lying to myself about the condition of this relationship with that girl was the morphine that staved off just enough pain to keep me living.

Those first three years in Chicago were hard. I spent a lot of time in a hard state of loneliness. Never alone, but lonely. Depressed, hopeless, aimless and rudderless. Unemployed, convincing myself I should continue to love a girl because I needed a place to live in the city, void of all confidence, I realized that I had made a huge mistake in coming here. And then things got worse.

My dog died. My grandfather died. And then my best friend died. Yeah, the one living in my house. It was a drunken screw up on his part but one that shattered me. That was the final chink in my tinfoil armor.

There was not enough booze in all of Cook County to calm my sadness, anger and fear. Finally walking out on the girlfriend was the turning point. Yes, there were little wins along the way. I hooked up with The Second City as I’d done in Las Vegas. I made some friends beyond the too rich, too soon bummers that were the friends of that girlfriend. I wrote some shows. But with the girlfriend out of the way, I was free to struggle without reservation or accountability. And that made all the difference.

A few months later, that stupid resume on Monster actually landed me a decent-paying gig. It was full-time and in Aurora, but it was money. It forced me to quit the drinking habit. It gave me a bit of confidence.

New freelance opportunities were being discovered. A magazine publisher asked me to be the founding editor of Chicago Health magazine. There were more Second City shows and others beyond that. I got a small book deal. And when that Aurora job laid me off, I had enough freelance work to keep going without it. Plus, I had been through the shit. It was hardly a set back. I made more friends—artists and writers and photographers, musicians and actors—interesting people with interesting desires and stories. I hooked up with creative agencies. I found selfless purpose in helping others through Gilda’s Club Chicago, which admitting to like that makes it not so selfless, but you get my point. Slowly, the reason I had come to Chicago was revealing itself as happening.

Becoming the Master I am, of course, condensing the story of my last (first?) decade in Chicago. The point that I’m trying to make is that when I arrived here 10 years ago, I gauged the time in weeks, then months and then years. It’s still difficult for me to say that I moved here 10 years ago because it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. At times it feels like it’s been longer. But then, other times it feels much shorter. And in a way, I’m right on both accounts. Longer because of how slowly those first three years dragged on. How nearly every day was a trudge through waist-high drying concrete mixed with clay, mud and human shit. And then shorter because those first three years are easy to separate from the latter seven. Because I didn’t really arrive in Chicago until 2010. Not the me that I’m proud of or enjoy. Mostly, anyway.

It’s hard to look back on the 2007–2009 years of my life. When I do, I’m still shaken. There’s a kind of PTSD that I carry with me, and sometimes I catch a glimpse of the parts of me that those years beat down and distorted. The good parts of me. I tend to be a little gun shy when it comes to certain things now. Like getting married. My poor, long-suffering Katie. She was the victim in a war that began and ended before her time. I recognize the failure that leading with emotions brings to most situations. This has caused me to be less apt to recognize and, at times, respect emotions at all. Those years made me a touch sociopathic, maybe. I don’t know. Perhaps it’s just scar tissue. Yeah, that’s it.

But it also made me certain of one thing, and that's that everyone is living with deep, thick scar tissue. There are things that occurred years ago, decades ago that we are still processing, still reeling from, still trying to make our way back to the light after having been sucked down into the darkest dark. We get rattled. Those first three years shook me like a San Francisco earthquake.

But things are OK. For now. I know that terror lurks around every corner. At any moment, we can lose things important to us like our friends, our pets, our family, our jobs, ourselves. But if we are prepared for the horrible, we can seek out the fantastic. It’s hard to not get weighed down by the muck and to keep your head above the shit line. Keep your chin up and your head down, I like to say. It’s good advice. It’s not something you’d find on a faux distressed wood sign for sale at Target, but it’s rational advice. Heh, perhaps you won’t find it on one of those stupid signs because it’s rational advice.

I have to remind myself of this because sometimes I get worried that successful moments, joyful moments, long-term exciting contentment will evade me eternally. It can make it difficult for me to be around. (My poor, long-suffering Katie.) It can make it even more difficult to be me because that kind of fear, being afraid like that, is me at my worst. Fear in any form quickly leads us to our worst.

I have to keep my chin up and my head down. Think things through but never settle, and avoid complacency. Things can always be worse but they can always be better, too. Riding that fine line to the end without coming off the rails and crashing down on either side is the only way you’ll ever master disappointment. It's not always easy, but not always easy after long enough becomes a lot less hard.

#Chicago #Moving to Chicago #The Great Recession

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