#but i was wrong and i didnt understand that until now

[skunkg1rll]

i cant stop thinking abt him... have been doing that all daynd i feel so sad nd my heart hurtsso bad nd i long for him sm it's just a bad day :((

#it's bc i saw that he #uploaded his background which was just nothing. and said that he feels empty #and a couple of months ago before i ruined it all #he said that he had me as his background #so now i feel so fkn sad #i dont know why im like this but i feel so crazy about him i wanna die #i think about him constantly and i'venever ever wanted to be with or know someone this badly #and to know that he sees me as a disappointment... and not good enough for him... and that he doesnt love me enough to wanna fix it #or even have a 'it' with me #hurts so bad #so now im just in an awful headspace... #i hate myself so much #i wish i could go back and not do what i did #i did it bc i thought it'd bring me closer to him #but i was wrong and i didnt understand that until now #and instead it caused him to think im not what he thought i was or what he wants me to be #and no matter how much i try to explain i realize thatonly i understand #bcmy brains broken and no one could ever understand why i do what i do #i am alone. always and forever i will never know closeness or intimacy #the thing is thatbefore i met him i was fine w that #i kinda longed for it but i had resigned myself to a life without it #then i met him nd it felt real nd like it could bereal for me #plus i genuinely like him sm i feel sm for him so i desperately want it w him #but then..... it turned out that im not good enough for him #it just rlly hurts that the ONLY time i've ever wanted someone #and it started w them wanting me back #who i am was a disappointment nd i fucked it up bc of a misunderstanding #that i cant clear up bc i cant make anyone understand my fucked up broken reasoning #i will bealone forever and i just wanna die

[moeblob]

You know, when I kept getting asked "so you didn't ever have severe pains before now?" in the hospital and I kept replying "I have a high pain tolerance" I meant it. However, there is only so much pain my tiny 4'9" body can hold... (aka I am sweating and in agony bc I'm getting told to use LESS severe pain meds so I don't rely on them too much and it is AWFUL)

#moe talks a lot #i was shaking earlier and despite the fact i sound like im gonna cry #and the fact that my mom can pick out im about to cry from pain bc im trying to take less pain meds #LIKE MY MOM IS INSTRUCTING ME TO DO #shes like well why arent you taking any pain meds #BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO AVAILABLE OPTIONS AND ON A SIX HOUR TIMER #i cant take both at once or else what happens to me if i hurt before the six hours is up #i have to manage them in a way that allows me to benefit from both and being told im doing it wrong #after being told well its your fault it got so bad because you never complained about pain before #YEAH NO JOKE? REALLY? I NEVER DID? because everyone acts like im too young to feel that kinda pain #oh youre hurting? just wait until youre older #and its currently agony to breathe again but that i guess is also my fault bc im trying to use pain meds #holy moly i just want to not get dizzy standing up cause wow dang #sure would be nice if the multiple incisions in my stomach didnt THROB every time i sneezed or coughed or cleared my throat #but since i didnt use much pain meds before because i would be mocked for being too much of a baby its like #welp damn now i could really use some and im being called out for being too reliant #anyway time to sleep more because that means im not noticing my pain #im literally smaller than most children and so i do understand my body size makes people worried about the medication intake #but can i please just go a day without being asked how much im taking or when i last took it or if im gonna cry #anyway sorry for the excessive rant today never really had surgery or anything so this is brand spankin new suffering

[fudge24-7]

Ok while I do agree what caine did is messed up, I don't see anyone coming to his defense with this point, and I feel like it should be considered more

Tadc spoilers ahead for episode 2 if you don't have the tags filtered:

Caine didn't have any way to know gumigoo was centient, I know it was easy to forget that when we as the audience could clearly see it, I did too for a moment but, when you think about it, he didn't see gumigoo become self aware like we did. Like he's said he only has eyes on the circus, and while I don't 100% trust every word he says, the fact he didn't just close the portal the moment gumigoo approached, or hell intervene the moment pomni mentioned bringing him back, Instead just seeming surprised when he noticed gumigoo there, it shows to me that he really doesn't see what happens there, so he most likely didn't know. from his perspective pomni just got way too attached to a character he created, he had no way to know why she did or that he was more then what he made him now

#the amazing digital circus #tadc spoilers #the amazing digital circus spoilers #anyway yeah i fekt this needed to be said #this isnt to say we shouldnt be uoset i still am hinestly that it happened #but i don't think it hurts to acknowledge caine didnt know what was happening there as much as we dod #in general caine isn't malicious he just doesn't understand humans #and while it is deffinitly frusterating to witness as an audience i don't think we should act like hes evil or anything like that #caine #tadc caine #whew boy i know this is probably gonna be a hot take here #but what can i say sometimes a person has to speak their truth especailly when they dont see anyone else saying it #i dont necessaarily think he 'did nothing wrong' even I'd argue he deffinitly did #but he didn't have all the knowledge to realise what he had done if you ask me #this probably isnt as well put as it could be but oh well i hope people still get my point #fudge does a talky talk #weird to think that this is my first contribution to this fandom #like i know I've talked in replies here and reblogged others posts but I've never made an original post for the fandom until now

[transdib]

#for eg i realised i was Not Straight when i was 6 #had a lot of other stuff i didnt understand for ages #until i realised i was Not Cis when i was 17 #and realised im polyam in my early 20a #i know its a lot more complex than this #i went thru lots of labels and arcs in my sexuality #but im just curious #as there's a stigma abt kids not knowing themselves #or thinking a kid cluld be queer is wrong cuz theyre a kid #stares at 6 year old me who rly loved girls #and is now trans lol

[borderlinegerard]

i am the poisoned blood running through my tired veins

#my posts #personal #ITS SO MOT FUCKINH FAIR. #since he hates me now i dont care if he sees this and im pretty sure i fucking blocked the reat of them so idontfucking care #i hate all kf them so much and i dont fucking care how bad they hurt. i hurt too #for some INSANE REASON i was the only oke that had to apologize. why did they never apologize . #they know they hurt me. He knkws he hurt me. #when j say this they think im selfish. they can think what they want. #byt jts fucking crazy to act like im the only one tjat did anything wronh #i fucking admitted i was wrong. but it wasnt enough. notjing is ever enough for them! #if He ever tries to text me again im not responding. it was stupid of me to respons. #i wonder what he would say if he knew that i chose ro respond by chance of a coin flip #if it had landed on tails i wouldnt be making this post. #he cares more than i do. i dont have the luxury of caring. #he says “i led him on” but if he wanted skme speicodx kind of love fucking say skmething #i didnt knkw i was supposed to be differenr. if he had said that from the dtart i never would have agreed. #i didnt want to change for him. #he shouldve been different and he shouldve been better #i shouldve been too. but atleast i can admit ghat #what the fuck do you mean when you say you understand why j do what you do and uou get it so deeply #but then you still leave. does rhat mean you understand how much you hurt me that first time #it barely hurts anymore. but i cried four times last nigjt #now i dont feel it and now i dont care. youll never knkw little i can let myself care #ill distract myself until i forget all about you because i csnt let myself feel any of this #i dont care if im not changjng the way you begged me to. thats not an option rigjtnmow #im still fighting to stay alive. i dont know that you understand what thats like #you say you get it. i tjink you just say that #you loved me and i dont like that. i warned you and you dwatted my warning away #how is that all my fault. #how is all of this my fault.

[nucleos]

uh oh found a trauma under the floor boards in my brain uuuuuuuuuuu

#text #i was thinking abt how i never post on here out of fear of saying something incorrect or being misunderstood #and then i was like why do i fear being misunderstood so much or being incorrect about something why am i scared of being wrong #and just as i was ready to explain it away on like how its normal to not enjoy being wrong and being misunderstood but my brain was like #hey yeah do u remember when u were 12 and all of your friends ditched you and bullied u because someone said u said something u didnt #or when ur parents used to scream at you until u cried because you didn't understand ur homework and they were tired of repeating it #and its like OH GOD YEAH I remember that NOW #i'm not even laughing im so sad now ugh

[serovolk]

newt geiszler also had a miserable uptight childhood! lets not forget!!

#thats why he is hte way he is now like come on people #dont get me wrong hermanns childhood wasnt easy either but his struggle is that he was smart and smarter than the people around him #but they didnt recognize it until later #newt was a little lab experiment #sry sry sry i saw something and it made me rolllll my eyes i just like u guys come on #their whooooole dynamic is like #genius and unrecognized genius and therefore untamed genius but not in the ways u think. and the disappointment of people ur age #this doesnt mean one is smarter than the other btw. theyre in different fields w very similar understandings of their respective subjects #but they can keep up w each other #nobody else can come close #its jsut a difference in how it was cultivated #ANYWAY. happy pride month i guess #newmann #pacrim

[firestorm09890]

Obsessed with old kh media from the era when pretty much all we knew about the Radiant Garden apprentices came from a bitter and vengeful Ansem the Wise’s diary. They really looked at Zexion and went “oh he is a fucked up little guy”

#zexion #kingdom hearts #358/2 days #FOR THE RECORD i'm convinced he actually had a fair amount of guilt even before getting his heart back #and i like the direction his character ended up going #this is just really funny to me #zexion: well i mean i thought we got rid of our hearts on purpose but if this is what we're doing now that's fine i guess #really saw nothing wrong with the murder basement #it is pretty interesting to think about though #the idea that ienzo legitimately couldn't see what was wrong with what they were doing #that he really didn't understand why ansem would order them to stop #he was a prodigy but he was also like 10 years old #how much of what they were doing did he really see and take part in #this is from the days novel btw #358/2 days novel tag #me post #god these tags are a mess i'm so sorry #also the reason why im talking like some kind of historian is because i didnt get into kh until melody of memory was already out #when 358/2 days came out i was a kindergartener lmao

[mejomonster]

As I get older and older I more tangibly realize why queer individuals in older generations than mine might prefer words I wouldn't use for myself, and likewise why younger generations preferences would be different too. Like it was always clear you know, a person knows their identity best and what labels they prefer best and even if you don't get it you should respect it. But I guess the older I get the more I realize I really don't know and never can know the background another person has for their perceptions and meaning for labels and why something in particular helps them to use or not

#rant #lgbt #........................................................................................................................................... #i just. so im alive in the time i guess when i saw trans identities barely discussed like even in educational material i didnt #hear about gender identity until i dug deep. to people now using transmasc and transfemme as labels. labels i dont understand and know #i dont. i presume they mean trans people who identify with masculinity or femininity? but i think im probably wrong #because ive seen transmen call themselves transmasc and it confuses me. because a transman can be a very feminine person who loves makeup #so. one cannot say transmasc and actually Mean all trans men. a transfemme does Not include all transwomen because transwomen can be butch #and reject femininity. so like... from my outdated perception i see it as the cis straight societal gender expectations of men MUST be masc #women MUST be femme which. i hate. becayse i specifically feel all people should and can be whatever they want. #any man can be feminine any woman can be masculine any person can be any range on that and change daily and do what they want #and their gender is still valid. and then like. theres ppl like me. im nonbinary. im a pretty feminine guy #im a fairly masculine woman. i dont think i could even fit into transmasc or transfemme labels. #i do think those labels help and suit people who like them. if i met a nonbinary lipstick lesbian perhapa #transfemme would help her xommunicate how she feels. but those words dont help me they are boxes i cant fit inside #and i get why they exist but its like. cool. now i get why transman needs to be preserved Outside of transmasc. because feminine trans men #still need space. i get why masculinjty and femininity need to mean something clearly Separate from gender itself or we loose the ability #to express the range of gender expression in qll areas. i dont know what transexual means but now i realize why a person older than me #may LIKE that label and cling to it. because it may communicqte something For Them that helps them in a #way that was lost to understanding by my generation. in a way that the terms no longer useful for my self identity but is for them. #in the way that trans man and nonbinary fit me but i could never be fit within the labels of transmasc or transfem etc #and in the way that for some people transmasc etc labels will fit Them and Help in a way a label like transman never can. and so on

[asthevermincrawls]

the realization that ive been changed fundamentally by actions that were fully out of my control at an age when I was still developing. the knowledge that I will never be the same again, that there is nothing to go back to because what happened happened so long ago, the knowledge that i will never know who i would have been if things had been different and i had been protected by the people who were supposed to protect me. and that there is no way back to the person i should have been because that person doesnt exist. ill never know how much better or easier my life could have been. i will carry this mark with me forever. how are you supposed to live with that? i think i know now why i think so much about ghosts and death and grief

#placing blame and anger can only get you so far #and the more i heal and grow the more i realize that this doesnt just go away #its going to keep effecting my life and the choices i make and my mental health until the day i die and nothing will change it #jesus fuck how do you heal when the wound it part of you #its not superficial its shaped everything ive become #i want to forget that person but the mark theyve left on me is forever #and god it frustrates me because theyre nothing! theyre a loser and a nobody and they didnt even mean to hurt me the way that they did #they dont even understand that what they did was wrong and they never will. and now i have to carry it with me for the rest of my life #nothing is fair #but ive known that for a long time #a.txt

[flintbian]

Me: 0 Gender: 3 just this week

#once again i didnt think i cared until i showed my few work outfits and APPARENTLY I AINT FEMININE ENOUGH AND I WANT TO SCREAM #literally i was excited and feeling very good about it until someone commented and i saw red #once again i had no idea i felt strongly about this at all but then again ive never had people comment negatively before #this year ive been dressing more how i want and experimenting but i was hanging around queer ppl so got positive feedback #then my mother comes in and makes me see red fists clenched stomach in knots hours later #maybe it's not even about how i present (and i dont need to open my damn buttons why do i need to be showing cleavage fuck you) #(yes im wearing more masc clothing but it's still women's fuck off) #maybe it was just the policing that did it but i feel rotten now #it took me SIX BLOODY HOURS to find even two shirts i liked and i was feeling them but no im presenting Wrong some fucking how #i guess for school i was dressed appropriately enough but i dress like my dad ive realized #and this has all been surprisingly frustrating i thought i didn't care but you start policing me and saying im not in x box and i go mad #besides that when ive been experimenting this year again it's only been queer ppl or clare and she loves the looks #and ive been getting piercings and figuring out if there may be a way after all to get tats #but you show a Model Citizen your work outfits and you're Wrong somehow as if it matters #like everything was a problem 'why are you wearing essentially men's styles why does it have a collar why is it buttoned up' #even the material was a factor like bc the shirt is more flowy that made it better as opposed to polo or cotton or whatever material #LIKE WE'RE ASSIGNING GENDER TO FABRICS NOW?!! I DIDNT EVEN LOOK AT THE BLOODY FABRIC THE HELL?? #hannah loved the outfits but they understand of course #tomboy is fine apparently as long as you grow out of it but if it stays? wrong and literally fuck off why does it matter?? #excuse me i dont even have any cleavage to show why are the buttons so damn important #again didnt think i had strong feelings about myself but apparently i do #how is it my father is more accepting than??? #and for years i didnt get to experiment with clothing hell i was trying to find stuff i could wear with nerve pain #i dont think im trans like that's not it i just hate boxes and having to conform to some stupid standard we made up and being policed #bc im apparently not feminine enough or whatever #and what's weird is years ago i wanted to be considered pretty but that's completely gone now as ive been finding myself and style #currently rocking the androg look but some people dont fucking like that and ive been dealing with this for like only two weeks #and it's maddening already #anyways both out of wanting to and spite im going to cut even more of my hair off soon and lean harder into this #p

[beansnpeets]

Ideally next dog would be a show prospect. Realistically all the shows are so far away and I am not and will never be a wealthy person. And I have no idea how to get into it tbh. I'd have to find a breeder that would be cool with showing me the ropes to get started. I don't like going into anything without knowing how first. I can't just enter a show and figure it out, which is what people usually suggest to me. I am much too autistic, I can't do that.

I don't think Sprocket is show quality. I think she has too much coat and she has an adult tooth that never came in so she had a gap on her bottom jaw on her left side. It is a little disappointing, but at the same time I'm not in a position to be able to show a dog right now anyway, so perhaps it's for the best. I did hope to show her, but the more she matures the more I think she just isn't a show dog. Which is fine. I love her anyway and am very glad to have her. It just means we have different things in store for her future than I had initially thought. Once she's 2 I'll have her spayed and we will check out some x-rays just for funsies (and curiosity's sake) and she can just do some shed hunting and other fun stuff just for us.

#barkin up some trees #i wish there was dog stuff up here #there is one r+ trainer who has some puppy classes and basic obedience classes #but thats it #and basic obedience stuff we have down pretty good actually #sprocket is super easy to train tbh #she picks things up much faster than oscar lmao #like she constantly surprises me with how many words she understands #many things that i did not intentionally teach her #but she picks things up so incredibly fast #i didnt realize how difficult oscar actually is until getting her #in a way he prepared me #it was not fun starting out with a difficult dog #but it makes an easy dog absurdly easy #the puppy stage was awful dont get me wrong #but looking back at it now it wasnt as bad as it could have been #and it was complicated by the fact that she had to be kept away from oscar until she was 6 months ish #because hes a dickhead #but he loves her now so its all been worth it

[khyeili]

Genuinely very excited about my plants

A good while ago I started some cherry tomatoes from seed and they've been steadily growing and have some flowers now, and I've gained the confidence to start more plants from seed, and now I've got like, a big garden by my South-facing window, and I'm just.

I haven't had a constructive hobby in like, five years!! I haven't been invested in anything in two or three years either, and I'm just out here like, faithfully watering my plants.

#oh the carton is too shallow for them now! theyre a couple inches tall so i should repot them #oh its soil is dry - i didnt water it yesterday so it probably needs water #growing them from seed honestly is great #I'm figuring out common problems in real-time #instead of trying to keep an existing plant alive and not understanding what's wrong #I'm growing some morning glories in an egg carton #and they got pretty tall and i discovered that their roots have grown into the egg carton #like #because ive been tending to the tomato plant since it was a sprout i notice when its leaves suddenly get droopy #then i water it and it looks better!! i dont think ive ever fully understood gardening until now

[carrotpiss]

An attempt to get some thoughts feelings out of my system re the failed date

#genuinely embarrassed i still feel so upset about it again just a new wave of anxiety hit me this morning #i just feel so lost at how it ended up like that i thought i communicated clearly but obviously i didnt i said mid afternoon i let them know #when j was leaving like mid-afternoon literally is 3pm but maybe i shouldve just said yrah ill be around at half 3ish #and then they just left me waiting with no actual eta just repeated “not long now” for 2 hours #and then in the last 30mins were loke btw bunch of their friends joining eho dont have tix #and its like.. okay? atp ive been waiting so long it felt like i had to agree and its not like i object to others being there a bit #like we're primarily going to a gig nesr where thejr mates live i expect that i just wasnt expecting to get completely sidelined #and its like they were flirting with me all up until i said i was omw #i forgot it even was a date at one point until they themslef mentioned they were on a date w me to someone else #like i just dont understand what happened #like where did i go wrong #crouch speaks #i know the answer but still #i got hopeful. the one thing i shouldn't be. i for a moment thought we had a chance #and so life had to humble me bc i got thinking about thjngs i dont deserve and will never have bc im fundamentally broken and horrid and #unlovable and hideous #like idk why i thought this would result any differently #now i feel guilty and rotten #like fuck was i expecting too much was i been too dramatic to just have a bit of alone time with them just to het to know them a bit better #i dont know i dont know how this is supposed to work

[backformores]

bro I'm going to punch this client and my coworker in the face

#lua talks #i dont condone violence btw #I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHY THIS SHIT ISNT WORKING #tldr my coworker gave me his shit and left the team so now i have to take over #and he did his work like halfway but i dont even understand how he was doing it bc its p much just wrong #and i didnt figure out the problem until like 3 client calls later #so now i have a feeling i need to redo it

[obscure-entity]

your shading is AMAZING specially when its conveying organic forms..... do you have any tips for people who dont know wrf going on (with shading)

ok so HI. hi. my old tutorial pisses me off so i will make a new one

i made a guy whose sole purpose is to be shaded so dont worry he likes it. and his name. his name will be mr. Boob. mr boob does not have to be blue

theres probably way better explanations of how to do it but unfortunately trying to "emulate" shading does ask you to somewhat understand ur character in a 3d way. like what would the 2d shape be if you "sliced" it? mr boob is made of so many circles. his tail also does a kind of weird perspective foreshortening thing because its pointing at you. is this being conveyed

you obviuously dont have to draw a horrendous grid on your characters skin to do this . BUT it helps you put down (or at least envision) the lines of the form shading :

dont worry about cast shadows or the shading color because this is FORM SHADOW time only. think about what surfaces of the character are obviously facing away from the light source and put down the "separation line" of the shading based on that. thr most important thing is that youre trying to separate light from dark

im going to pick the first one for cast shadows bc it will be the most obvious to me

ok so. his ears and snout are blocking other surfaces of his body from the light, which means a shadow is cast!!!! bam. i saw someone describe cast shadows as what the light's pov "can't see." his entire body is putting down a cast shadow on the ground too

im impatient so i blended the form shadows now. its usually the easiest to just NOT blend cast shadows as a way of conveying that they are still cast shadows. but you can still blend them if you want to show "distance" between the obstruction and the surface its blocking. but its just a way of saying form and cast shadows should not be treated the same even if their softness coincides

im going to lump reflection and ambient light together because theyre like. similar. reflections dont just happen in mirrors

since the sky is blue, making the ambient lighting, i tinged mr. boobs existing shadow to be a bit blue. (*this is kind of important because it can help you decide a shading color, which should USUALLY be based on the environment) (unless your character is just in the transparent void then it doesnt matter)

since the ground is pink, i made pink light bounce off of him. pointed and labelled. i dont rlly know how to go more in depth than that

contact shadows are literally shadows formed from direct-touching contact. very little light can reach in there, even from how reflections disperse, which means youre free to use the darkest color available (black). in this case mr. boob is making contact with the floor. because he is sitting on the floor.

i touched him up a bit and wow!!!!!!!!!! look at mr. boob!!! he is so beautifully sculpted.

and one more thing

thats right. i made mr boob PINK. hes fucking ruined now. just kidding i would never say that to him

what im trying to convey here (its the easiest with really light colors) is a transitional color. this can also show subsurface scattering depending on how you use it which is fun to look at. the mistake i made on my last tutorial was "Just pick a warm saturated color!" which is really wrong in examples like Blue mr boob. because it would be weird to use a warm color to transition from blue to blue.

if you have a character that isn't bright enough then obviously the shadows wont be as visible. its BEST to bring more attention to highlights and reflections to reveal the form a bit. they play the biggest role with darker colors

thats all i can think of. fun things to look up:

structuralization + contour lines + foreshortening etc. 3d lingo

form shadows

cast shadows

ambient light

contact shadows

subsurface scattering

im also just speaking out of my ass otherwise. i didnt look up any of these terms until the end now im inferring and hoping i got them right

and remember every time you shade mr boob will be rooting for you

#art tutorial #shading #lighting #long post