#but im back im that bad place again

[wherethefuckwillyouhide]

lately ive noticed ill just talk about experiences in my life and stuff thats happened and whoever im talking to looks at me in horror and apologizes for having to go through a lot of what ive had and im like

oh

yeah i guess my experiences arent normally and im kinda severely traumatized

#this weekend sucked #i was doing good #like rly good #but im back im that bad place again #being reminded ive dealt with a lot of traumatizing things is....weirdly comforting #'oh you mean life isnt supposed to be this fuckr #most people dont witness stabbings or having their ex's randomly die or get tear gassed snd shot and beat up #im so tired of the tough guy act ive ended up picking up #i wonder why people are scared of me and leanne telling me her bf hit her tonight had me talking about how im gonna hospital him #bitch ass pussy ass coward ass mf #also i like....im so glad im the person people feel free to come to about this kinda stuff #but........after years of post midnight texts and calls about some dude hurting someone i care about #it rly....rly fucking weighs on me..... #cause i cant do shit. im too far away. #rip whatever abusive douchebag i get my hands on eventually cause ill fully red out and a good 7 years of trauma is gonna be unleashed #might beat the dude to death if someone doesnt pull me off tbh #>things i say and then i wonder why people are scared of me

[arundolyn]

more trans brisket showcase i actually REALLY like this one

#bridget #guilty gear #guilty gear strive #edits #mods #palettes #flags #tumblr HATED me trying to upload this so fucking bad and idk why. simply stop being a big baby. #im very pleased with how this turned out ngl. after like 4 straight hours of working on it hfjkdhklafgh #oh my fucking god it is 5:35 and it fucked up Again lets see how long this takes #please fucking let me post trans brisket why do you hate me sooooo bad. #AGAIN? FUCK. #figured it out tumblr fucking logged me out. as it loves to when i Post Images. hate this place #and its ONLY on the new post editor i forgot all about it cause i went back to the old one. #they want me dead! #anyway finally BIDGET #if anyone wants this on gamebanana just ask hfkjlfgh

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

Wait, fuck, hold on-

THEY CAN'T FUCKING BRING OUT AN ANTI-HERO ARTEMIS WHEN I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF STUDYING FOR FINALS!!

WHAT THE FUCK, DC?!? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FOCUS?!?

oh i am so excited holy shit. am i the only one getting slade vibes from her?? because im getting massive slade/rose wilson vibes from the single eye cover and im wondering if artemis is a plant, someone unconnected from slade who wouldn't be considered a threat, to go undercover and get close to the titans. this is also like, high-key a chance to make jade and artemis sisters and/or half-sisters in canon which would be neat. i know comics fans aren't huge on changes to the canon based on outside things but making them half sisters doesn't really change jades backstory, nor artemis'.

#i am beating back spitfire fans with a broom #you don't understand what you are asking for. this man canonically has children and is married to someone else #so you are only asking for heartbreak #also Artemis canonically has a kid with someone else #so. again. stop it. if it happens it will be SAD #which #... i mean honestly id be cool with it if it was like... a mutual breakup where they remain friends after #but i kinda want Artemis and Wally to get character development without romance involved so like #im team 'lets not do that pls' #oh holy fuck dc wait don't try to pair up roy and artemis. waid i love you i trust you pls no #this is the pain of being a fan of a female comics character lmao. immediately worried about a shoehorned romance #and don't get me wrong. i fucking LOVE YJs spitfire but this isn't that and it would be so different #and itd be real hard not to be different in a bad way #so #yeah #thats my thoughts #OH GOD FUCK IS ARTEMIS SUPPOSED TO BE FRAN?????? WALLY'S SUPERHERO/SUPERVILLAIN TEAMMATE GF THAT HE LEAVES THE TEAM FOR??? #TO GO TO COLLEGE TOGETHER?????? #Like. I know that Artemis took Frans place in YJ but is Artemis doing it AGAIN in CANON?? Waid no i LIKE Fran. #Shes magneto but cooler and she just wants to be normal and she was childhood bffs with Wally and she also murdered her family and grew up #with a cult mom. Fran is so central city coded. shes such a girl next door with skeletons in her closet #aughhh #dc #dc comics #kid flash #wally west #artemis crock #tigress #roy harper #speedy

[harvestmoth]

more rejuv things but its. its just this guy again, im sorry shes all i can draw

#everyday im like i wanna draw :] and then i just end up with this thing on the page #i refuse to draw hands holding. because i cannot and im too lazy to figure it out #oh yea a couple of these i havent posted before because theyre lame to me but ill put them here for now #anyways!! #i was gonna say something about a couple of these but i forgot #oh well #pokemon rejuvenation #does she. lose her ribbon in blacksteeple. i forgot #she still has it to me.. #to me her c15 hair tie is a torn part of the ribbon #anyways again. yesterday i finally figured out what the rejuvrp is. very cool stuff im so incredibly intrigued by it #i have no idea whats going on! but it looks so cool ill try to read it more later. #oh right again about the rejuvrp thing. the character designs ive seen are so so so cool i want to draw them so bad #i think i have to ask about that first though and there is! no way i am going to do that!!! i do not want to bother them #and i think my heart would explode from the fear of it all before i even typed the message. #that and im very lazy! theres a very good chance i wouldnt even draw it in the first place #anyways unrelated but i think if i get another comment from someone on something i Will Actually Explode. #i see someone said something and it kills me on the daily. what is happening... thank you.. i appreciate it very much... #sorry to whoever read all of that. um. hi youre really cool and i hope you have a good day/night #i think being on twitter has done something to me i have to leave it immediately. anyways back to twitter #wait actually i should go back to playing rejuv. im still in the grove from when i first posted the gym leader melia au. im afraid to leave #also play pokemon rejuvenation no i will not stop saying that everytime i post one of these

[colorful-horses]

I'm sorry but I cannot stop clowning on this doll. Look at his big beautiful eyes. His stupid ass haircut. He looks like he's on the brink of tears 24/7

#dont even talk to me about his comically out of place overly-sculpted abs #hes the only boy rh doll that gets a pass for having this haircut. since he was the first #but its still ugly as hell #this doll sucks so bad #i got him purely on the basis that he makes me laugh everytime i look at him #ashs face sculpt improved everything about the boy dolls faces #i hope they never use this face again. its so ugly #not art #ill go back to pony art soon. maybe friday. or saturday #im just chilling #rainbow high

[wulfhalls]

.

#over two weeks since my baby boy passed #i miss him more everyday. and its only getting worse #and i feel so responsible so fucking guilty its tearing me up inside #he was only 8 my tiny angel was only 8 #i still cant believe hes gone #i miss him everywhere he isnt anymore which is. well everywhere #i havent wanted to die this badly since like my early twenties maybe not even then #spiralling bad ngl #when i bursh my teeth and he isnt at the faucet just hanging out. when i find some of his fur somewhere. walking by his favourite boxies #his sleeping places. my desk where he helped me study #just one breakdown after the other. all day #i miss him so fucking much every second of every day. he was with me ALWAYS all the time he was just there. #im still waiting for him to just. u know come back to me where he belongs #had one day where i was so dead inside i didnt even weep wail cry weep wail again for a whole day. 👍 #but its convulsing on the floor o'clock yet again. oh well #u know the spiel. ignore me ignore this i just. needed to type this out #bb baby #txt.me

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Me, while manically cleaning my room at 3:27am: I should make several large, life-changing, irreversible decisions.

#so ive been in a bad mental state lately #because of many things. but the biggest being (yes i know ive complained about this in multiple other posts) #that my best friend and my ex gf were fucking. without even asking or telling me. i got no heads up. just figured it out on my own #which sucked and now im not speaking to either of them #and when i first found out i was in a bad place physically too #i had a terrible ear infection that was so fucking painful #and i realized i could concentrate on both things. so i focused on healing #and then i remembered ny family is coming to visit for Christmas #and thats a lot to deal with. so now im focusing on cleaning the apartment. specifically my bedroom #so im manically cleaning at 3:30am while angry and stressed and trying not to focus on this thing that makes me really upset #and in the middle of cleaning ill suddenly think 'should i quit my summer camp job?' or 'should i move states again?' #its not good. but i havent acted on anything #AND in the middle of cleaning i found all of my meds #i havent been taking them for months. but i decided im gonna start taking them again #i have a few refills left but then ill have to find a psychiatrist. i dont want to. but its definitely for the best #im trying to get my life back on track and build and better it #but then something hits me and completely derails everything and makes everything so hard #so anyway im gonna go do some more cleaning and try not to make life-altering decisions. and maybe build a desk #btw i have to get up at 9am to take out my puppy. and at 11:35 i have to get ready for work. again its 3:30am #and im full of manic energy #tomorrow is going to be very bad but at least I'll have a semi-clean room

[lycanthian]

gonna be 19 in less than a week. its hitting me. girl what tha fuck.

#i dont even know if this is a bad thing its just scary #ive gotten a couple goals in for the year? getting a boyfriend and opening commissions being the main two #but it feels like ive spent most of the past year struggling with depression and debilitating anxiety and. ueagh #ive spentnso much time feeling awful and hating myself and not enough time enjoying myself. #i still struggle with doing basic tasks both hobbywise and selfcare wise and just. ueaagh. #i feel gross and annoying and difficult to get along with and awkward and lazy and. uaaaghhhggh #itsso bad rn i cant even put into words how im feeling properly #ive been teetering back and forth on the edge of a depressive spiral a la december 2023 for the past month #and imscared im gonna hit that again. and not have a way to cope and rest through it this time #because i have finals and portfolio stuff and im moving #and i have to help my friend make sure that shes going to have a place to live over the summer #and i have to get my drivers license and i have to get working on community service hours and i have so so so so so much to do and. weh #im scared i wont be able to do any of it #lycan howls

[reamed]

LMAO I am going to explode

#txt #the anger and sadness I have experienced lately has been so one sided and lonely #it’s jus weird cuz im definitely not in a bad place I just keep running into shitty experiences anytime I try to put myself out there #like the one thing I’ve needed to work on for my mental wellbeing was ignoring my discomfort/anxiety and attempting relationships with ppl #and it literally has worked maybe twice out of the times I’ve tried #and eveytime it happens I’m told oh well it has nothing to do with you!! it’s just the other person! #like how can that be true #and what’s even more annoying is I’m very confident and I love myself so much and I’ve reached a point where I feel I’m ready to open up #and let people in so they can also love everything I love about myself #and it just isn’t working #and I don’t know what more I can do other than be a different person #anyways #I’m sorry for being so annoying about this I swear I will go back to being cool again #usually I would jus not post and deal with it irl but I have literally no one to talk to about this

[donnyclaws]

I was gonan make a post apologizing for lack of regular art but I feel like jts already clear im sporadic and in and out of it bc chronic pain and circumstances. So for now I'm gonna hibernate, get my health steady again, deal with money issues, and art will happen when it happens.

#i do feel kind of worn down by it. i wish patreon and commissions didn't feel so taxing even with accommodations ive made for myself #maybe it'll feel better in the future when less is going on but rn it #places this barrier of management in front of art that makes it less relieving to do #cause there's always a part of my brain reminding me it needs to serve a purpose and needs to pay off in some way #which isn’t a new feeling for artists obviously. maybe doing it all since hs js also why it's tiring. and patreon changjng the way it does #working part time now too. idk if maybe id like to step back from it #it's abnormal that i worked taht hard and it did help me get out from my parents and stay out. but im also tired ect #idw let people down by not being able to keep up with a self imposed expectation or #be irresponsible and remove sources of income for myself. redbubble inprnt and patreon all suck in ways that bother me hugely #i only really enjoy itch.io at the minute #not to say anything bad abt patrons or commission clients you've all been excessively kind and patient and understanding always #i wish i could make them better i feel like there's no way how it is at the minute is of value compared to my output as an older teen #but yknow. self imposed worry. im just worn out and id like to just make things without the management and the fretting and the #i havent made a comic post for patreon in ages or this or this i havent made a speedpaint or a song or #yadda yadda lmao #sorry for the impromptu ramble #this isnt to say id never do commissions or a store or anything again or i want to not make money off art #god knows i will need to be grinding out comms once im well again but ex #i feel like im getting less and less able to manage it and then putting out less and less #and hoping ill somehow get very healthy and active again one day and make it worth the wait yknow. #it's not a feeling i want my art to carry in me. #part of me and the parent in my brain is saying it'd be selfish to give up income but the rest is like #that's cruel. i want to feel good and healthy

[why-the-heck-not]

hate hate hate the feeling of turning in a part of an assignment and being hella embarrased abt how it is :3 like, feeling someone’s just gonna email me like ”hey?? what the fuck ??? what are u doing here this is garbage” like yeah dude i dont know what to tell you, things did not go well this week

#doing one that’s like a bigger thing but has weekly deadlines #and this week hasn’t been good for that so it’s like very fucking pathetic of how little I got done #and it’s all basically shit anyways like i know it doesn’t work and won’t work with the way I’m going about it #also I’m only submitting the previous version bc i don’t even fuckin know what’s going on with this current one #like the code’s all bad and all over the place and I have no clue where i’m trying to go with it #so it’s like i basically didn’t get shit done this week #only made myself more confused #i need to take a step back and like really fuckin think what I’m going to do with this bc it’ll just get worse if I just keep trying to go #with this shitty thing i have on my hands rn #and also im like over an hour late already bc gotta write a weekly report and idk what the fuck to say like #’’oops sorry dude it’s shit rn i have no clue what’s going on but also dont have anything i could ask help with bc im too confused so it’s #just uhh this thing now; a mess <3’’ #the way i’ve been handling this course like ?? uh oh will i ever have the audacity to step a foot to my campus ever again lol #yes im now writing this to procrastinate writing that weekly report thing #ughhh yes im hella positive rn all is shit #(also there was parliamentary election today and it didn’t end well so that might be why everything feels 5x more shitty rn) #april 2023 #2023

[oflgtfol]

i was talking to my therapist last week about how i'm kinda excited but also equally apprehensive about starting grad school this fall because yes, i so so desperately needed a gap year otherwise i think i literally would have killed myself and/or had a breakdown big enough to land me in the hospital, and even beyond that i just needed to figure out a more concrete plan of what i'm going to do with my life in general -- while all of that is true, and i'm glad i took the gap year for it, i'm also apprehensive because i genuinely feel like an entirely different person than i was even at this exact point in time last year, nevermind anything earlier than that. it's only been a single year of me being out of school but my life has changed so dramatically, mostly for the better, and my whole personality has flipped on its head, it's just going to be so fucking weird going back to the same school, the same campus, potentially seeing my old friends around. augh

#sorry i was trying to find a post in my music tag in my archive and i scrolled so far back i got all the way to april 2023 #where i referenced sitting in a dining hall #and its like. DINING HALL ?!?!?! #im going to be sitting in the fucking dining hall again in just like four months. UGH #brot posts #it's almost similar to the separation between high school and college. where i feel like hs me was completely different than college me #and now only a mere year later i feel like. post-undergrad me is completely different than undergrad me #although now that separation is exacerbated by how short a time it was and just HOW drastic a change it was #like . a bitch goes on antidepressants suddenly theyre a whole new person. #like im lowkey excited to see my old classmates and friends again #but i also am dreading it bc like hi. hey. i have the same name and face as the person you knew but i'm someone else now. sorry #and also just the persistent fear that i'm going to regress or at least even just /feel/ like im regressing #just by being back in that environment again? #even if i'll be on meds this time and actually going to therapy and overall having so much more support than i did in the past #so as nostalgic as i am to be on campus again it's also like. hard to separate the present from the past #like despite it all. this bathroom was still the very same place i went to have a mental breakdown weekly #this bench outdoors was the place i sat by myself to eat lunch in the blistering cold bc i couldnt eat indoors during covid 2020-2021 #this bench indoors was where my friends had an intervention with me and forced me to call the on-campus mental health services #just . idk. feeling a strange mix of nostalgia and also being haunted by bad memories #oh the woes of going to grad school at the same place you got your undergrad. While mentally ill #but alas i need to save money by commuting and having instate tuition

[dark-elf-writes]

Trying to convince myself that a first draft doesn’t have to be perfect while simultaneously losing my mind because my first draft is not, in fact, perfect.

#the elf talks #me: you’re allowed to write it bad it’s just about getting the ideas in place and then you can go back and fix it #also me: IM TERRIBLE IM A HACK I WILL NEVER WRITE AGAIN #clearly writing is going well

[harvestmoth]

i feel like every few months i remember this au and end up just redrawing iroha

#anyways necromancer iroha au my beloved. my brain is not good enough for you and you deserve better #i’ve actually had this for a little bit and have now completely forgotten what i was doing with this. oh well #posting it anyways but i think i was just kinda messing around with it #any ideas i mightve had previously for it have been completely scrapped though! i didnt like it. #not that i had much of an idea in the first place #im very bad at these sorts of things !! i just like randomly scribbling without much thought going into it #anyways time to completely abandon this again for another like 8 months #necromancer iroha au #magia record #magireco i miss you… i should play you again sometime… #iroha tamaki #her hair is still my favorite part of drawing this btw #also why i like drawing ghost sana with it usually. i like messing with the. uh. hair ? color? thing. its fun #right well back to not posting for like 2 months

[arts-i-enjoy]

AHHHHHH

#this post brought to you by: me #i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses #i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP #like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready #anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT #and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk #and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message #even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL #AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!! #i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year #i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17? #ive had a good well paying job since i was 18. #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job #which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind #so theres no point staying here. #i might never have this kind of job security again. #but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something #on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now #on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT #but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to #richard started yelling and swearing el oh el #might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible? #but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option #the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going #idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks #this is why i want to get out of here #also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about #not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey! #if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!

[shadowthestoryteller]

So

That episode, huh?

#bad batch #the bad batch #clone force 99 #the way echo was one of the few to immediately tease crosshair again because he knows what its like being turned into a weapon #the return to THAT place and ALL the emotions that come with #the old Twiggy armor and the way it just made me feel like I was watching clone wars again #im beside myself #(still dead) #(grad school WILL be the end of me I swear) #Also glad to see people are still wishing they were Crosshair's firepuncher #also also this will probably be the last episode I watch until the season ends because they're all (currently) happy and on level-ish groun #besides #I got Adventures!AU to get back to