#but no matter what i try i cant help it

[ganondoodle]

been able to keep both my fear and hype about totk in check by watching nothing but elden ring videos for weeks but now i read something on accident and my anxiety is going through the roof again

#ganondoodles talks #pls nintendy #dont do this #it was only a sentence with no clear spoilers or anything #but by god its put fear in my heart again #pls let totk be its own game #id even be willing to spoil myself on some stuff just to know my fear isnt based on truth #i hate that i feel like this #even if im better able to stop panic attacks before they happen #i still feel so silly for feeling so strongly about a game and its lore #but no matter what i try i cant help it #its been my thing of comfort for so long i wouldnt know what else i would focus on if i were to lose it #and it would be so much work - years of work- basically wasted #plus i would feel so bad having made people be interested only to abandon it before its even really started #the only thing giving me comfort if this was the case is knowing id just post all lore -concept art -drafts and scripts #as a sort of -this is what i had been working on for all these years- so at least the people who cared could get an idea of it #and in the unlikely case that it would be liked by alot of people #i would keep working on it despite it making no sense anymore #im rambling on trying to calm myself down #sorry #gotta be exhausting reading my anxious ass tags over and over #;__;

[snailsnaps]

couple spare konito sketches i never posted i've been busy working on some stuff!

#truth is ive been procrastinating a lil bit #i do wanna finish the Kinito Crew (+ you!) designs but #auughhHHHGH i dont wanna go to workkkk #ive been putting them off for long enough tho #imma try to have them this week no matter what #cant wait to show you this little story ive been cooking up out back =) #KinitoPET #snailsnaps #hellopaint stuff #kinito #kinito the axolotl #kinito my beloved #kinitopet fanart #kinito pet #kinito fanart #kinitopet you #kinito au #kinitopet au #sketches #HELP ME

[redysetdare]

listen when we say we need aroace rep - we MEAN we need AROACE REP. becuze shock of all shocks, a character being just ACE is not aroace rep! same with a character being just aro is not aroace rep. not all aroace ppl see their aro and ace identities as separate.

I for one, find it difficult to separate my aro and ace identities from each other which is why i am AROACE and not aro and ace. A character being only ace is not representing me. I do not feel represented by only an ace character. they are not even half representing me because my asexuality goes hand in hand with my aromantisism. and Ace character is not half representing aroace people. I'm sorry but i do not relate to the alloace experience because i am not alloace. so a character being only ace is not relatable to me because they are not aroace. the same goes for if a character was only aro or aroallo.

Now before anyone decides to misinterpret this post to hell and back I'm not saying that aroallo or alloace rep is bad or shouldn't exist. I'm saying stop throwing aroace rep under the bus because "Actually we need more just aro/just ace rep" as if that somehow solves the issue of aroace rep being nonexistent.

#text #aro #aroace #ace #aromantic #asexual #aspec #also if i see someone be like 'ok but all ace rep is aroace they just call it ace' im going to strangle u #if they call it ace then it is ace!!!! it is not magically aroace because u decided thats what they REALLY meant #yeah society doesnt recognize aro as an identity but that doesnt mean that all ace characters are ACTUALLy aroace im going to explode u #im just tired of it being thought that aroace ppl have it so much better and dont need rep as much as just aro or just ace ppl #im tired of aroace ppl getting thrown under the bus because we are aro and ace and so obviiously we get double the rep or some bs #if you think this is about a post you are wrong it is about many posts all saying the same thing #because even in our own communities aroace ppl are the punching bags #because no matter where we go ppl are shit talking part of our identity or treating it as less than #i swear the communities focus on fully separating aro and aceness has been more detrimental than helpful #it's gotten to a point yall think there cant be any overlap ever and have sorta pushed aroace ppl out of both communities #because 'you cant bring ace experiences into aro spaces! not everyone who is aro is aroace!' #'you cant bring aro experiences into ace spaces because not all aces are aro! we can feel love and have relationships!!!' #basically ignoring the nuance and overlap our communities have in order to try to be seen as independent identities. #idk i miss when we would work together and understand each identity as different but also see that there was similarities and overlap

[sherlockig]

,

#i wanna complain #i have been tired all day and went to bed at 20 #but instead of sleeping i have been crying on and off all evening for no other reason than hormons and self hatred spiral #and now i cant fall asleep no matter what i try #i am mad i just want to sleep #send help

[devotedlystrangewizard]

the school arc to me is so good because it drags ciel out of his position as a powerful figure and literally places him in the shoes of the person he could have been. the circus arc ALSO drags him out of his position as big bad queens watch dog/head of the phantomhive estate but the school arc feels like a mockery of a future that never was. this is what he could have been had his parents not died. and even then its NOT because he will never be that kid.

he never was.

#ramblings #incoherent beyond belief its 4 am #and im trying to avoid manga spoilers #might add a reblog with more coherent thoughts when i wake up but im off my meds so i cant promise anything #actually correction im being vague w the manga spoilers #manga readers know whats up #idk if there are any anime only ppl who havent been spoiled on The Plottwist Ever yet #but i figured there will be new fans and though im not tagging this it might still get seen so #cant WAIT to see our boy absolutely miserable in animation form should they recreate that arc LMAOOO #which ofc is after the germany arc so thats still a long time away #but STILL. itd be fun i need to see this young teenager lose his mind in color with sound #him relying on sebastian to do all his fag duties (sorry. dredge) so he can work his way up the social ladder #trying to gain power while simultaneously proving that he cant do anything but rely on others #hes always needed help in basically every way and he hasnt CHANGED he just got a demon to do it for him #he learns to lie and charm and cheat and all the while hes a fucking CHILD WHO STILL STRUGGLES WITH NORMAL THINGS #ciel is my little baby and i love him deeply no matter how much of a little bitch he can be #his helplessness isnt just 'oh he was raised in british high society' its also that he never got the chance to learn anything #which to elaborate on that id also have to go into manga territory. iykyk #like absolutely at this point he just refuses to learn how to do things he has a pet demon to do it for him #but. #hi the phantomhives backstory is killing me again its so late #both atlantic and the school arc are just setup for the Big Arc but theyre very good in their own right i SWEAR #also when i rewatched the circus arc a while back and i realised how some scenes were shot #the heavy foreshadowing that i didnt realise. yk. 7 years ago or however long its been since i first watched it #CRAZY #if you are new. to kuroshitsuji. and you havent read the manga. dear god. read the manga #ALSO GRELLE IN THAT ARC IS SO BEAUTIFUL & OTHELLO IS TRANSMASCULINE. OKAY GOODBYE

[angellurgy]

:]

#AAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCKFUCKFUCK #CONDTANT UNENDING SILENT SCREAMING #NO WORDS BUT FORCED TO UNDERSTAND STILL UNESCAPABLE I CANT I CANT I CANT #ill never be anything ill never be anything ill never be anything at all to any of you #too fucking tired to go out of the house for so long no way to stop being tired its all wearing down on me like a fucking curse. too much #CANT CANT CANT take 10 more days of this waiting itll just go back to normal after #TRIED TO LIVE BUT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THERE EVEN FOR ME NO LOVE NO CARE NO IMPORTANCE NO PLACE #FADING MEMORY REMNANTS OF MY SOUL DRIPPING OUT OF MY HEAD LIKE A GUTTER. NO ONE WILL REMEMBER. EVEN I CANT. #AAAAAAAAAAA rotrotrotrotrotrotrotrotrot wish i just had a fucking dad to hold me wish i had a brother to show me the loving care noone will #please. llease. please. nothing left nothing left everyone wants me less with every single post but icant stop #cooped up inside. tumblrs knly good when you have a life outside of it. i cant fight it tho bc of this fucking EXHAUSTION #caused by the emotional pain and exclusion. eternal loop. let me.out #NOT LIKE IT MATTERS TO ANYONE BUT THE FEW WHO CANT HELP. THE FEW WHO CANT MAKE MY SITUATION BETTER. I JUST WANT A GROUP. #I KNOW COMMUNITY ISNT REAL BUT I FUCKING WANT SOMETHING. PLEASE #LET ME OUT. GIVE ME LIFE. INSTEAD OF THIS CONSTANT FUCKING VOID GROWING BLACK MOLD ON THE CREVICES OF MY SKULL #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa nothing is giving me life right now i want sometbing i cant create anything i dont wanna die but i have no choice #FIGHT THROUGH THE TIREDNESS WALK INTO THE FOREST IN THE NIGHT AND ROT. #SLIT MY WRISTS EVEN THOUGH IT WONT DO SHIT. LAY ON A BLANKET AND LET THE COLD TAKE ME #WOULDNT BE THE FIRST TIME IVE BEEN CLOSE TO IT. LEAST I CAN GO ALL THE WAY. GOD WHY DO I TRY. I WANT TO TRY. I HAVE NOTHING TO TRY FOR. #NO OTHER CHOICE.

[anandasamsara]

SIMPLE COMMISSIONS OPEN

Ok, i cant find any other job nor other way to make some money rn. I still have to pay 450 for credit card, that we used to buy groceries, 450 for electricity and at least mom's phone. Ideally, 700 that we owe for the apartment payments, but we can keep pretending it doesnt matter as much.

So, opening sketch and whump comms bc i cant bring myself to do more than that rn. I can barely bring myself to draw at all. I could even toss some notion of nsfw for an extra 10 bucks.

Prices, how-to's and more info >>here<<

Im relatively desperate, bc even tho i managed to pay the internet bill, it doesnt matter if electricity is cut down, specially as we're having heat waves of about 40C for the last week with no end in sight.

(I listed the amount i need in brazilian real, so it would be around 250usd. 400usd if we count the apartment things that im ignoring.)

#emergency commissions #commissions #help an artist #thankfully my aunt decided to buy us some groceries but it wont last much #paid a few bills with money my friends gave me as a christmas present but im still very embarassed by the need #even more so that i didnt manage to make it last more than a month #also my dad being home is becoming a problem #me and mom are trying to eat less so we can keep having food for longer #and he spends the whole day eating everything he sees #its been hard and i dont want to ask for help but i dont know what else to do #no one else will help bc we have a capable man at the house and why cant he go back to the job HE ACTUALLY HAS to keep us afloat #but he doesnt want to so now i have to take care of the bills myself #doesnt matter that i was fired bc the computer can do the same work i did #im very tired and trying to not spiral into depression yet again

[wyllsravengard]

idk what ramadan is gonna look like for me this year lol

#z.gen #i try to be more on my deen and i will do it this year #like hitting all of my prayers when i normally hit like 3/5 etc #no substances which fluctuates yearly since being calisober is what got me off other drugs but should be fine this yr #a lot of people wont listen to music either but i honestly dont listen to it much during the day regardless #having a very night time schedule is helpful during ramadan #i think im gonna try and focus on establishing all of my prayers #i dont really care to talk about my faith much cause its so genuinely no ones business #but i am muslim i just dont follow the practices of any of the four major sunni schools strongly for other reasons #im not shia either tho... looking #none of it matters rn cause i cant fast anyway LOL but its okay #its just like. kind of hard to celebrate islam with whats going on in palestine #like a lot of my fellow muslims get really obsessed w the aesthetics #but the month is about refraining from worldly desires and practing restraint and is generally anti consumerism #so its like. idk if i care for fun silly ramadan recipes. im gonna try to organize stuff with my mosque again inshallah

[coldvampire]

oh im gonna hsdgfjk

okay so three+ months ago i discovered I had a Fun Condition called perioral dermatitis. basically, just this Extraordinarily persistent face rash that looks like a bunch of small pustules in a circle around my mouth, but it also went around my nose and eyes. reacts to literally fucking Everything, deeply annoying to treat, even with antibiotics it takes weeks but usually months to clear. causes are ?? can be anything from inhaled steroids, face cream, toothpaste, hormones, etc. basically impossible to pinpoint. i have some guesses about what triggered it but ofc no real way to know for sure.

i go on 90 days of antibiotics. cool, whatever, condition dissipates but doesn't go away entirely. i think nothing of this bc I know even With oral antibiotics, it can still take months.

halfway through this treatment i develop arthritic symptoms. i also think nothing of this bc I have Some sort of illness undiagnosed anyway + family members have it so while I am definitely not happy w this development, I'm resigned.

i finish the pills.

less than 24 hours later, dermatitis has Returned. i know that allowing this to happen makes it worse and last longer. i cannot stress enough how bad it will be for my mental health if this happens. yes this probably sounds overly dramatic but I'm pretty sure watching my face flare up in any way is a legitimate trigger atp after dealing with cystic acne.

anyway. i book an appointment with my gp bc the pharmacist cannot refill the antibiotics. great except the appointment is at the End Of The Month, and I know this is going to be bad in a few days time. like, in the last few hours the inflammation has already accelerated, who knows how bad it'll be then, I'm assuming it'll be like I never even took the pills to start with. i am going to have a nervous breakdown.

mysteriously, the arthritis symptoms have Also started to decrease after stopping the antibiotics. that's weird, I think, that wasn't brought up in the list of side effects when I asked, but the timing is literally exactly when my face started flaring up so I know I definitely don't have those in my system anymore. i look this up, to see if there's a link.

'''acute polyarthritis''' also described as 'drug-induced lupus' are you Fucking Kidding Me

so i am now back as Square Fucking one for this shit, my skin is about to be so goddamn inflamed & I apparently can't even take the drug that was working to clear it up. because it causes inflammation in my joints.

and like i cant really express properly how mad this makes me lmfao because of Course. i spend a solid year on Accutane finally after being deterred for nearly a decade, i get maybe 4 months of enjoying my skin after I'm off of it and then This Shit. can i win?? can i Fucking win??????? no one else in my genepool seems to deal with this shit its just me and ohhh my god i am This close to walking straight into the ocean.

#the frustration is actually getting to me. #like. holy fucking christ. #and for what??? for WHAT. #i havent even been really going out or wearing makeup At All bc its the internship semester so !!! there was No Fucking Reason for my skin #to react to ANYTHING in the first place #its so shallow i feel so stupid but like I've actually cried multiple times over this #n o t h i n g i do works. every treatment every attempt it doesnt matter #it TANKS how i feel about myself. i cant help it. #and like idk what to do!!!! #looks like im gonna try to see a derm again but that's always a multi-month waiting process. #the thought of still looking like this when I graduate is so so upsetting. i want Pictures I want to look good. please?? fucking please??? #thats several months away now but the timeline for curing this is so slow and that's assuming your treatment works anyway. #90 days of an antibiotic Should have done it idk whats wrong with me #anyway fgfhjh i Am going to cry now lmao I hate this.

[bunnyb34r]

Sometimes I really fucking envy the selfish assholes who just don't engage with the news/learn an current events. Like god it must be nice to live in your little bubble, only living in 'the moment' and the 'here and now' around you. It must be so peaceful to be able to see a YouTube short ab current events and say "hmm that's sad" and just scroll onto the next video without giving it a second thought. Must be so fucking peaceful being oblivious. Sometimes I want that. I want to be selfish and self centered, I mean I know I don't but... yknow??

#marquilla #my dr doesnt watch the news and she always responds to my anxiety ab current events to well stop watching the news #BITCH IT DOESN'T MATTER IF I WATCH IT OR NOT ITS STILL THERE its still on my feed regardless it's still existing and i KNOW #it's still existing and me being the fuckinh person i am i cant just turn a blind eye to this shit! #id LOVE to not know what the fuck is going on politically (god help me i wanna die so bad) id LOVE to not know what happened to that poor #little girl who was so fucking close to being saved but was essentially bait to lure in more needless casualties #id love to not know what the fuck is going on with climate change and with nato and with the un. ID LOVE TO BUT I CANT #limiting my online time isnt really an option bc again i cannot step away completely #i can try to limit my access by blacklisting tags and then choosing to hit show anyway on my own terms i can try watching something else #when the news is on i can try limiting how much news i watch BUT IT DOESNT HELP ME #i want to be oblivious i want to be selfish i want to be self centered. i want that fucking peace of mind these assholes have #i know i dont want to be that type of person i just want that mindlessness that illusion of freedom #but how do I obtain it yknow???? #the trigger as usual is learning ab project 2025 and working myself into a spiral knowing its more than likely gonna happen and theres jack #shit i can do ab it and just AUGHHHH

[nooks-cranny-mogai]

Here's Clover's advice for the day: block for any reason.

Break your DNI? Block

Make you even a little uncomfortable? Block

You disagree on something that, maybe your generally ok with disagreers, but they seem extreme or it comes up often? Block

Seem annoying? Block

Claims to be supportive/unsupportive of something but suspicious/reblogs dog whistles n shit? Block

Constantly dming you and you didn't sign up for that? Block

Doesn't respect your boundaries? Block

Not blank blog but has no views or anyway to tell if they break your DNI? Block

Mutuals with someone who breaks your DNI? Block

Constantly passive aggressive to others they dislike, even if it's not towards you? Block

Overly aggressive/violent towards those who are on both your dnis? Block

Immature to a degree that's just silently pissing you off? Block

Lies to you, even if it's innocuous? Block

Neutral on an issue that either has no moral neutral stance/shows compliance with serious issues/you feel strongly about it? Block

Have an extreme view of something you agree with but they support aspects you don't? Block

Seem chronically online and your not with that hyper vigilant crap? Block

Not getting your social signals that one or two dms/asks is not a contract for 6 to 10 to 50 a day? Block

They seem fine but their vibes are atrocious? Block

Wether you've been friends/mutuals for 6 days, 6 months or 6 years, you don't owe someone your space and content. Your blog is your space, you make it what it is, you decide what's on it. DNI violation and personal harassment is not the only valid reason to block someone. If you find yourself waiting and searching for a reason to block someone, just waiting for them to slip up again, just block them and be done with it. One small reason is reason enough. One suspicion is reason enough.

I've blocked people for supporting the same shit I have but being annoying or performative about it. I've blocked people cause I found one word on their whole blog thats only used by proshippers. I've blocked people for being part of a fandom I know is toxic and them showing signs of being on the toxic side. Any small reason is enough and you don't owe that person "the chance to change/prove themselves". Not on the Internet. This isnt a parent or long time irl friend, this could be a person you dm daily or a person who liked a single one of your posts.

I'm tired of the social expectation that I should have at least 3 reasons to be able to block someone or a clear violation of boundaries. If you have bad vibes, I don't have to let you prove yourself or interact with me or my content. Yeah, it's nice to have the reasons but you don't have to have them. This applies to even irl interactions. So much weird shit I've been argued with about on places like tiktok or twitter have been benefited from me just saying, quoting a popular post from here " your either not having this convo in good faith or your world view is so warped from reality that there are days worth of things you'd have to unlearn for us to understand each other. This is pointless so it is here we must part" and a swift block in the ass.

Yeah, socially it's nice to keep contact with that one ex-coworker who never seemed to understand you two aren't friends, just acquaintances but the reality is there is no actual reason to keep that contact. That doesn't excuse yelling at them or insulting them or anything but they aren't entitled to your time and attention. Your not friends, slowly but gracefully, cut them off. Online people are not any different. I don't owe you conversation or attention or anything other than basic human respect. I also owe myself respect and if your constantly disrespecting me, even if unintentionally, I have the right to enact the consequences and block.

Idk why this is so controversial? Is it the 'tism??

#clover speaks #clover rants #i never understood the issue with just blocking #i dont owe anyone the 10 minutes it takes to search someones blog for shit #like if ur suspect i have every right to block #if i see one post im not scrolling for counter eveidence this aint court #im auto blocking #and guess what? i never lost sleep over people i quote unquote blocked for no reason #btw this isnt a vague #the points are ones ive seen but not with anyone i currently interact with #old quote unquote friends and acquaintances #i try to be understanding if theres potentially mental delay involved its always nice to be nice bu5 #at some point you have a right to exist without any person in your personal life #its this cool thing called personal space and everyones entiteld to it #i dont have to correct everyone i come across whose a bigot and i dont have to concede to community standards because social shit #i ran into someone who said inmates dont derserve medical help and guess what? #the 140 characters tiktok lets you have cant unpack all thats wrogn with that statement #so i just said their morality issues are not the problems of others and everyone deserves healthcare and moved on #Sometimes that person just wants to piss you off and no matter your quote unquote progressive activist status #you dont have a moral obligation to fix people #theres no way to fix everyone and many people here are not academically qualified to talk on the issues they do #many of us are not actually activists. most of us just reblog shit and thats supposedly activism #which it isnt and neither really is the weird statement that existing as a trans/gay/etc person is activism #which has some merit but the reality is that it applies a philosophy to all trans people that simply isnt teue #there are plenty of anti-trans trans people and its a weird cop op used by alot of us as to why you dont volunteer or donate any money #all lip service and reblogs with emotionally charged tags over issues you dont face 🤬 #imma stop im old man ranting but still oml

[dutybcrne]

Me BSing hcs like: The fact that Kae is not only able to create a shield when he is dangerously low HP but also the fact that he is able to regenerate HP when he hits opponents with Frostgnaw is definitely due to him receiving his Vision when Diluc had tried to kill him in their Confrontation...but could it be possible that his familial ties to the Abyss Order could have influenced that HP drain of his-

#//And that's without mentioning the fact that Glacial Waltz's duration increases FOR EVERY OPPONENT DEFEATED #//Between that and his lil teleporting trick like an Abyss mage's (minus the flurries of ice); I have SO many thinkings #//Deffo love the abilities of his being an amalgam of Vision based and Abyssal energy imbued #//Deffo love that fact meaning it hurts a bit to use his Vision at all; esp with the teleporting being such a Staple to his combat style #☆ ┆ ( .ooc. ); #//Sidetracking a bit; but I also like to think that even after the Abyss is defeated/beaten back enough to not be such a threat; he'd still #keep his abilities from it/some connection to it. Bc he's so used to it being such a big PART of his fighting style/assets to use in a pinc #//But also bc keeping that connection means it'd help him keep track of any remnants of the Order far easier #//He could track them down with far more ease; sense if they are growing stronger; get intel from Domains/abyssal traces #//Of course being very mindful to keep it a secret & trying to not involve his loved ones/fellow knights of it all #//But he very much is careful esp bc of risks of him being corrupted by it; keeping a keen eye on his mental/physical/emotional states #//Deffo has plans to leave Mond and/or end his own life if he starts seeing the Abyssal corruption affecting him irreversibly #suicide mention tw #//Kind of but also kind of not; considering some of the ways how he'd go abt it #//Knows it'd be harder to the further it goes; so he has particular criteria he keeps tracks of to ensure if they come to pass #//he; in a clearer state of mind; would either 1) use his Vision to try & purge the energy out of himself (extremely painful; COULD kill #if the corruption runs deep enough & save him the trouble) or 2) use the aggressiveness of the corruption to provoke someone (esp Luc) #into taking care of him &thus ending the problem all together. Bc he KNOWS he's strong; only a handful of beings could actually kill him #//& actually be WILLING to; without hesitation. Luc comes to mind first bc of their Confrontation. But also bc Kae'd be happy w him being #the last person he ever sees. Thinks it'd be comforting more than anyone else. Esp since a lover would just break his heart to see them #//Worst case scenario is him falling to the corruption & sb breaking it out of him in the moment #//Bc the Instant he realizes what's happening; esp if they are crying and/or angered at him; he WILL fatally wound himself #//And make SURE it's not something he can come back from; save by a miracle (or 'curse' as he'd see it) #//Probably making an icicle and slitting his own throat; if not jamming the thing into his heart #//he won't hesitate; wont offer explanations; final words or apologies; he cant risk that moment of clarity being too short for it #//he HAS to make sure he can't hurt anyone any further; no matter what it means for him #//Which is partly why he'd be so keen to make sure it's not found out; bc he KNOWS he can be talked out of keeping those abilities #//Or worse; he'd fight them on it; and thus make for a fucken MESS in the aftermath if he's been too far along in the corruption #//But he KNOWS that even with the risks; the powers are a VALUABLE asset to him; &thus desperately wants to keep them #//'sidetracking a bit'; I said. Proceed to write a wHOLE FUCKEN NEW HC IN TAGS; I did; kjfbgkftg. Whoops lmao

[thecherrygod]

/

#my posts #you know how this usually goes #i make an amount of tags so that if you read this its bc you've clicked and its not bc i am just posting it like whatever lmao #... unsure if i should even post it tho but what else do i do just leave it in my brain? idk maybe its the same maybe its better #maybe its worse? .... why have i been feeling kind of like this and at this kind of intensity for like about 2 weeks or more #2 weeks is how long ive been properly aware so i think its more but like. man. #like maybe its been like a month and i just havent been keeping track of time bc january is way too long to even try lmao #. but. idk. i just wish i could be kinda.. stable. like i cant feel good lmao #like it truly doesn't matter nothing is good enough in general #what i do isnt good enough #what goes on around me doesnt help trying to ignore the constant.. dread? #and like all things considered i should be doing good currently #or at least not this bad #but here i am constantly trying to not let myself feel too bad until im alone bc man. #so... yeah it just doesnt feel like anything is truly worth it not me as a person nor the things i do nor the things i experience lmao #also lately ive been just feeling more..... disconnected to others... like i dont understand them and they dont understand me #but like.. more than usual #and i guess its me? that it's kind of a me problem #idk I'm just tired. i need to sleep. i want to let face down on some sort of big water body or do something that will make my life worse #or they i will regret lmao #i. wont do any of those #also when i mean face down in some sort of bldy of water or whatever i dont necessarily mean like die #not against it but its not the only option #just lay there and float..... also not against it #i just want something that i cant have i guess bc im not sure what it is #like i just know what i want is to not constantly feel like this but idk how lmao #... u would sleep if i can bc man also I'm so tired #.... adding tags its a bit worse than I assumed lmao im also thinking about wether i deserve stuff or not lmao #like it got windy and cooler and i was like 'a blanket by my legs would be nice' only to be like 'no you don't deserve that ' like ah yeah #its kinda worse than i thought lmao

[googlein1942]

ive been so into rdr2 lately and i keep thinking about public nations verse where people making historical games/movies/shows/etc. consult nation people on historical tidbits and accuracy and whatnot, so queue Alfred “Favorite era of the US was the wild wild west” Jones finding his way to rockstar studios to help them out with the game accuracy/go on about whacky people he met during those days while the studio is just like write that down write that down

#sort of long post #my brain rot knows no bounds #also imagining alfred wanting to simp after arthur morgan so bad but hes like i cant i cant he has the same name as the guy who raised me #hes like trying to convince the studio to change the name and shit lmaoo #also a while back someone made posts about a post-reveal nations verse where tv studios would make like historical docs about the nations #(loved these posts so much) #and i think it would be interesting if nations got introduced to the whole thing with bc helping with games/tv/movies not about them #and then when some studio comes up and is like hey we wanna make a show about you guys #theyre like yeah fine cus we already help out with other stuff and maybe know the people we’d be working with on this #oh and they show up for like nonsensical things. historical plays. settup for local historical festival. historical parodies. you name it #i just love the whole nations being in the spotlight idea #and i have to take number 1 blorbo alfred f jones and spin him in my head like a microwave at all times bo matter what #also very obsessed with red dead rn im doing a 100% completion (story and compendium) run for my now 3rd play through #also i need to sleep 😣 #hws america #public nations #hws #hetalia headcanons #and yes that IS what the F stands for no complaints

[todayisafridaynight]

Who was ur favorite yakuza character before daigo and mine? Since u would’ve had to go through 0-2 until u meet daigo and 3 til mine (unless u didn’t play chronologically)

playing the games chronologically, i dont think i really had a favorite until Y3, and even then i didn't immediately latch onto mine (if anything, rikiya was my favorite for most of my first playthrough). also with Y2 it was more fair to say ryuji was my favorite from that game since at the time daigo was still 'thats my old friend daigo :)' to me

but excluding Y2, i really liked lee and makoto from Y0 :) and date from Y1. my best friend date ........ also haruka was my daughter in an instant and i still love her sooooo

#snap chats #my wife date even #but yeah for a while daigo was just 'thats my old friend daigo' to me LMAO #i cant really think of what the turning point was for me- maybe y5. i remember seeing his stupid disguise and thinking #'thats daigo isnt it i know what his ears look like thats fucking daigo' and being so happy when i was right and seeing him jalkjk #with mine after i beat y3 the first time i was enthralled from his last scene/s so i went back to watch all his appearances #i think i was mostly baffled by the fact a character so blatantly expressed his love for another man so i went back to watch everything #just trying to see if i could notice any kind of like. foreshadowing whether its from his body language or dialogue #thats what made me appreciate and love mine more as a character. with help from the rggo stories of course #daigo i think it just became a matter of 'he's been with me for so long he's like a son to me now' which. HILARIOUS considering y6 #but then i got to the END of y6 and i think thats when i started to fully dive deep into daigo. because now he is my son LMAO

[8bit-mau5]

i really miss calls and being silly through voice memos/etc but if i have to open my mouth and be stuck with hearing how gratingly high pitched my voice sounds then im going to actually literally die of embarrassment

#8bit beeps #not to be too dramatic. but this sucks OTL #i cant raise my T intake until i lose weight/ lower my cholesterol but like. i also cant lose weight no matter what i try #i guess my best bet is taking voice lessons or voice exercises but how much is that really going to help 😭 #vent