#catch me cryin folks
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---TRIGGER WARNING---
Animal death, brief violence against an animal
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"Fifteen was a tough age for me.
That was my angriest year, but also really important in terms of learnin'.
I unlocked a painful repressed memory, learned through trial and error that violence wasn't for me, but also, that neither was eatin' meat.
Growin' up, I was never a hunter; just a gatherin' type.
The only time I ate meat was if someone handed it to me or I could afford to buy it.
And truth be told I don't regret that, seein' as how I was always starvin'.
Those tidbits of protein no doubt pulled me through some serious drought!
But when I was fifteen, I remember walkin' a street somewhere and I saw this guy handing out samples of these little fish treats he'd made.
So I ate one, and bein' stuck up like I used to be, I asked him why he only ever handed out fish or seemed to cook fish.
No joke, he was out almost every day!
An' he told me that he only ever passed out fish, 'cos that was all he ate, meat-wise!
I was like...why?
An' he said it was because he had a policy; only eat what you could stand to kill.
Somehow, that resonated with me.
I'd never thought before about how I got the meat -- I just ate it, and appreciated it.
But it seemed, maybe I hadn't appreciated it enough.
Bein' on my own, I figured I needed to either put up or shut up, so I went out and...well...
A few nights later I was in some woods somewhere else, and decided to catch me a fish for the first time.
Because I thought about other animals, but anything more than a fish just made me feel sick.
I chiseled me a little stone carving tool, scraped a stick into a little wooden spear and waited by a river one evening.
Had mah fire ready and everything.
I remember my little heart was just poundin', I really didn't wanna do it but I had to know if I could.
I promised myself that no matter what, whether I could handle it or not, I would eat whatever poor animal I caught.
I was probably at that stream for half an hour or more, strikin' at fish and missin' em.
Until finally...
I got one.
A BIG one.
Had a rock with me because I figured it wouldn't just die instantly, and I was right.
My adrenaline was pumpin', heart was pounding, the fish was really strong so I had to really fight to pull it outta the water.
I hooked my fingers into its gills so I could drag it out faster, and once I had it on the ground I took the rock I'd brought with me and just started beatin' the devil out of it, square in the eye.
I did everything I could to kill it as quickly as possible, and from start to finish the whole ordeal couldn't've taken more than thirty seconds.
But it was enough...
Once I was sure it was dead I just sat there, looked at it, and what I'd done suddenly washed over me...
And I cried.
Just like fightin' folks with my fists to solve issues, I learned that huntin' wasn't for me, either.
I just sat there bawlin' my poor eyes out, and felt like the scum'a the universe.
It was dreadful.
Now worst of all, I had to eat the darn thing!
And I didn't know how to prepare meat or what to do -- it hadn't occurred to me beforehand that I'd have to gut it or anything like that.
So, still cryin', I dragged it over to my little campfire and struggled to try and cook it.
No, I did not open it up.
No guts, no nothin', just cooked it as was.
Then dragged it back over so I could sit and eat.
And I just...bit into it...spit out scales, tried to just...eat it.
God help me, I really, really tried to eat that fish, but I just couldn't stomach it.
When I bit in and hit bone or tendon or SOMETHIN' i gagged straight away, and realized I couldn't do it.
So I got up again and dragged it far out into the woods, and just left it there.
At the very least, I knew nature wouldn't waste it.
I felt like such a fool, and a terrible person.
Didn't sleep well that night, i can tell ya that much.
A few days later, I found a fish trapped in a shrinkin', drying-out pond and quickly ran it over to a stream and let it go.
That helped me feel like I had made up for the horrible thing I'd done.
Now don't get me mistaken, I'm not sayin' this is how everyone should operate.
All groups of people have different tasks for different folks.
Some are hunters, some are gatherers, some are laborers, etc.
It's okay to enjoy meat when you yourself are not capable of huntin', killin' and preparing it.
Just make sure you appreciate it, understand how it gets on your plate, say thanks to Someone out there for lettin' ya have it.
Thank the animal, too.
Meat is part of most people's DNA, most of us are omnivores.
But for me as an individual, that "eat what you can kill" motto has stuck ever since, and I just can't do it.
That was the last time I willingly ate meat, and after that I got more serious about how I found food in the wild and how to be more resourceful.
Oh as for the fish, I made peace with that a long time ago, don't you worry!
I was just tryin'a survive.
Regardless of how it went down and my inability to eat it, I thanked the fish anyhow."
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Someone on Tumblr posed the question of how they figured Wander came to be a vegetarian.
Thought i'd take a crack at it with my own story ;)
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Sweeter Than Sweet Tea
Eddie x Southern! Fem! Reader Blurb
AN: Hey y'all! So this came up while I was rewatching Steel Magnolias (one of my favorites)! I myself am Southern if you can't tell (lol). I def amped up the reader's southern belle persona, but it's a cute little bit of fluff to keep ya goin! But now I'm craving southern homecooking (namely fried okra and fried green tomatoes) and weirdly ambrosia salad and green salad (it's not really salad, its like fruit and whipped cream and nuts lol). But anyways enjoy and please reblog and like as per usual!
Warnings: Bullying, Southern Slang, Slight VIolence, Enemies to Lovers sorta, Fluff
When Eddie first met you, it was the equivalent of an old schoolyard crush. For some odd reason, he loved to get on your nerves. He’d tug on the closest part of you, make some inappropriate comment, and grin ear to ear as you tore into him. You never quite understood why. Until that fateful summer evening.
Indiana got hot, sure, but nowhere near as blazin’ hot as your home back down south. You figured that was why some folks in Hawkins sometimes were so snooty, the summer sun wasn’t enough to melt their frigid hearts. Then again, you didn’t much miss the sweltering summers or the way the older women with hair higher than the heavens in your hometown would glare and mumble about you headin’ straight to the devil’s whorehouse for simply being comfortable.
You were in town having a day for yourself, dressed as pretty as a magnolia in May. You wore your favorite sundress with some wedge sandals, your toes painted a pretty pale blue. You were looking around in the old antique shop, smiling down softly at a set of delicate plates. You were pondering buying it (after all, 5 dollars was a steal), when you felt a tug on your dress. You turned around, clouds setting on your sunny disposition at the sight of the ever rebellious Munson boy. He was dressed in a dark pair of jeans and a loose band t-shirt, his leather jacket hanging off of his shoulders. A cigarette hung from his mouth loosely as he grinned.
“You headed to church, Darlin’?,” Eddie teased, exaggerating the drawl to mock your own.
You frowned, pouting up at him. “No. I like to dress nice for myself. Now leave me be…” You scanned him up and down, frowning disapprovingly at his cigarette despite it being unlit. “And take that thing out of your mouth, for cryin’ out loud. You’ll give Mr. Millan a heart attack if you set off the fire alarm.”
Eddie smirked while removing the unlit cigarette and tucking it into his jacket pocket, clearly not taking the hint. You tried walking away but he followed on your tail like a lost puppy. “C’mon sweetheart. It’s hard not to tease you when you look like you’re about to be awarded the best lil pupil in Sunday School.”
You glared at him, out of the corner of your eye, your annoyance growing. “Well, now, Eddie Munson, I didn’t think you’d know what a church was if it landed on your backside. Can’t you ever learn to leave me alone?”
Eddie’s eyes twinkled with mischief, his face full of boyish charm. If he wouldn’t be such a damn nuisance, you might have found his teasing charming…hell, adorable, even. He leaned against a shelf full of knick knacks and dusty books, looking comically large next to the tiny items. “Sorry, kid. You’re fun to mess with.”
You huffed, turning to look at the collection of odd salt and pepper shakers and cookbooks. “You know I am not a child and I know you have about as much maturity as one.” You thumbed through a cookbook to keep yourself busy, scrunching up your nose at the recipes. You sure did miss pecans, frito pie, sweet cornbread and fried okra. Hell, you even missed those potlucks your mama used to host full of old gossipers trying to catch the latest town news. At least those old coots knew what an ambrosia salad or fried green tomatoes were. You placed the book back down.
Eddie tugged on your dress again, grinning so wide you thought his mouth would split open as you spun around in a huff and yanked the pretty fabric out of his rough hands. “Now will you quit it! I’ve ‘bout had it with your dumbass!,” You exclaimed as quietly as you could in the practically empty store. You felt your accent come out thickener as your face heated up. “I'm leavin’ now. Good day, Eddie Munson.” And with a huff and a swish of your skirt, you were out the doors and back into the warm embrace of the sun, headed to Patty’s Ice Cream Parlor. You weren’t going to let that damned fool ruin your day out.
You were sitting at a booth, enjoying your solo sundae of butter pecan ice cream and hot fudge. You sat there, stewing over Eddie’s consistent annoying quips and his obsession with bothering you. You stabbed your ice cream with the spoon, huffing softly. Where did he get off on bothering you anyway? You usually were polite and kept to yourself in town. You hadn’t made many friends outside of Nancy Wheeler who worked with you part time at the local dress shop when she was home from college. Maybe he found your mannerism funny, kinda like Jason Carver and his wife Chrissy Cunningham.
Chrissy and Jason often showed up to your job. The two were known as the town high school sweethearts who stuck around, Jason inheriting his fathers business while Chrissy stayed home. The two had it out for you since day one in town. You had shown up, dressed casually with your favorite pair of cowboy boots on and a cowboy hat to block out the sun. Chrissy and Jason had just happened to be at the diner you had stopped in, happy to welcome a pot of coffee and some pancakes. You sat at a booth, laying your hat down the right way, looking around. Hawkins had that old school charm. However, within the first few minutes, you’d received some backhanded compliments from the Hawkins’ Sweethearts themselves. Jason and Chrissy couldn’t help ever since then to laugh at your funny drawl, the foods you cooked, or even the clothes you wore. It was a pain.
As if the two were summoned by your thoughts, you saw them waltz through the door, arm in arm, giggling away. You sunk in your seat, staring down into your sundae and hoping to disappear. You heard a jingle of a chain and a flash of black as Eddie came into the seat in front of you, making you sit up and forget about Chrissy and Jason.
“Hey, Darlin’, I couldn’t help but-”
“Edward Munson, leave me alone. I’ve had it with you-” You stood up to walk away, only to be met with a cone of chocolate ice cream smeared across the front of your favorite dress. You gasped, looking up into the eyes of Chrissy who stood there with an evil smile. “Oops. Sorry, hun,” She drawled out, face twisted into a sneer as Jason laughed. You felt your eyes sting with tears as you sniffled and the room blurred. With a muttered, “Pardon,” you ran off to the bathroom.
You stood in the bathroom, wiping at the gown with fury, wet paper towels piling up on the counter. You sniffled, trying to keep from crying. Why did you even try? Everyone in town laughed at you and called you a “Hillbilly Belle”, makin’ fun of you for your upbringing. You charmed the socks off of the older folk but got yelled at for calling people ma’am and sir, all of them assuming you were calling them old. You sniffled and wiped at your eyes, splashing water on your face with determination. You’d go out there, smiling and bright as ever, head home, and put on some Dolly Parton and some comfy clothes, snack on some Moon Pies and maybe even make a nice cold pitcher of sweet tea.
You were headed out of the bathroom and down the hallway when you heard some arguing in the main area of the shop, the teen employees all terrified and huddled in the corner. You peeked around the corner, surprised to see the impressively angry Eddie have a fistful of Jason’s shirt and growling out some threats.
“You keep your filthy grubby hands and your wife’s gross self away from that girl, you hear? She is too good for this town and I’m not letting two assholes like you run her off because you have nothing better to do with your life. Now leave a fuckin’ 50 on the table to pay for that pretty dress you ruined and get the hell out of here before I kick your ass.”
Jason scoffed, eyebrows furrowed and expression in a snarl. “Whatever, freak. You would defend that hick. It’s not like she knows anything but how to farm and suck-”
A sickening crack echoed through the ice cream shop and in a blur of arms and legs, you saw Jason laying across the tile flooring, holding his nose while groaning. Eddie stood over him, fists clenched at his side and shaking as your heart soared. “Now leave, jackass. Otherwise I’ll do a lot more than just break your nose.” Eddie’s tone took on a fearful growl, your skin raising in goosebumps and your face heating up as your breath was caught. Something about the boy who was usually chipper and overly flirtatious with you turning into a ticking time bomb at the first instance of you feeling unhappy made your heart skip a beat and your legs squeeze together. Jason scrambled to get up, dropping a 50 dollar bill on your table, rushing with Chrissy out the door. You shyly rounded the corner, watching as Eddie glared after them, hands still clenched.
“Eddie?,” You softly called, the middle of the ice cream shop empty except for the two of the and the few teen employees who were probably waiting for you and Eddie to leave in fear of the protective metalhead.
Eddie spun around, face softening as he walked up to you, careful to not touch you as he searched your face and person. “You alright? I’m sorry those two were being such jerks-”
You felt your heart thump in your chest as you looked up at him, biting your lip. “Why did you do that?”
Eddie looked shocked, his face going ashen. “You saw that?”
You nodded.
Eddie ran a hand down his face, sighing and looking about 5 years older. He bit his lip for a bit before looking at you and sincerity came across his face. “Look, I know it seems silly but…I like you a lot. Your silly little twang, the way you dress. I love how every time I go to Benny’s I know if you’re there based on if Dolly Parton is played on the old jukebox. I love how cute you are when you’re annoyed and how you’re the most polite person I know unless it’s with me. I like ya, Darling. And I don’t really like people messing with my things or friends,” He trailed off, playing with the rings on his bloodied knuckles, gaze drifting away in shyness.
Your heart jumped to your threat, your mind racing. Now all the pieces of the puzzle made sense to you. Why Eddie hummed Dolly around you, why he left honeysuckles in your mailbox back home, or why he would stop by the dress shop at least once every few weeks claiming to be looking for something for his ‘cousin’ only to leave empty handed. You felt your insides turn syrupy sweet as you melted and kicked yourself for not realizing sooner.
“Now we don’t-”
You cut him off with a hand, looking up and smiling. “Tomorrow. Pick me up at 6 P.M. Dinner.” You poked him with a manicured nail softly in the chest, giving him a stern look. “And dress nicely please. It’s a date, not a football game.”
Eddie perked up, grinning ear to ear as he blushed dark red. “Y-yeah, okay.”
You walked off as he stood there in shock, completely forgetting about the big stain on your dress and waving bye, butterflies erupting in your stomach. You couldn’t wait for tomorrow.
#eddie munson#eddie munson x reader#stranger things#stranger things 4#eddie munson fluff#eddie munson x you#eddie munson fanfic#eddie munson x fem!reader#eddie munson x y/n#eddie munson x female reader#eddie munson x southern! reader#eddie munson imagine#eddie munson blurb#eddie munson oneshot#eddie munson x southern!reader#eddie munson au#stranger things au#stranger things fanfiction#stranger things imagine#stranger things fluff#stranger things x reader#stranger things x you#stranger things fic#stranger things blurb#st4
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Transcript:
Ivan: Lookin’ good, bud!
Oscar: Uh-huh, fancy me yet?
Ivan: [laughs] I ain’t into redheads.
Oscar: Boo.
Ivan: Listen.. I’m glad y’stuck it out, but we both know this is only the beginnin’. No keepin’ your struggles t’yourself, alright?
Oscar: I’ll try my best… You’re a really good friend, Ivan. I’m sorry I haven’t been a better one.
Ivan: Nah, you’ve been dealin’ with-…
Oscar: No, I’ve been selfish. Your support n’ lack of judgement this past year has kept me going when I didn’t think I could, and you’ve done it all without anyone to lean on; I’m not sure I’d still be here if it weren’t for you… I really appreciate it.
Ivan: Oh. Thanks, man… I try my best t’be there for folk, y’know? ‘Cause I know how shitty it feels havin’ no one to-... Fuck, dude; I don’t wanna end up cryin’ in public.
Oscar: [snorts softly] Sorry, not sorry.
…
Ivan: I hate t’say it, but I ain’t got anywhere fast.
Oscar: No shit, you still drive like a granny.
Ivan: Ha-ha.
Oscar: I wasn’t expecting any miracles, don’t worry.
Ivan: Would’ve been nice though.
Oscar: Have you spoken to Ames?
Ivan: More than a few times; she doesn’t wanna know. They’ve pretty much banned me from goin’ in there now.
Oscar: I dunno how we’re gonna prove his involvement. I bet him n’ Artie only speak when it’s absolutely necessary.
Ivan: I’ve been tryna think of a way t’engineer a meetin’ between ‘em so we could catch it.
Oscar: They’d probably just pass it off as a business meeting or something.
Ivan: We’d have t’record it somehow.
Oscar: Let’s let Ames stew for a bit. We’ll try one last time n’ if she won’t budge, we’ll have to figure out a plan B.
Ivan: Well, don’t stress about it.. c’mon, you’re bitin’ your nails already.
Oscar: I always bite my nails.
Ivan: Still, I don’t want y’getting’ all worked up so soon after leavin’.
Oscar: Alright, dad.
Ivan: [snorts] Fuckin’, no.
Oscar: How’re things with Bruno?
Ivan: I ain’t keen on that segue, bud.
Oscar: [laughs] My bad. C’mon though, are you feeling any better about it?
Ivan: Sort of, it’s kinda hard t’get too comfortable when we’re hidin’ it for different reasons, y’know?
Oscar: Makes sense-.. hey! You got your cast off.
Ivan: Aye! Good as new… Almost. It still makes a weird crackin’ noise.
Oscar: You should hear mine.
Ivan: Don’t-…
[Oscar proceeds to twist his wrist around wildly - producing several sickening bone crunches]
Ivan: Ugh! The fuck did y’do to it?
Oscar: It’s mostly from skating, I’ve broken it at least three times.
Ivan: Remind me never t’get on a skateboard.
Oscar: Aha, that’s definitely happening now…
#somnium#sims 4#storytelling#ts4 story#sims story#simblr#oscar finch#ivan harper#T-T#this is it.. this is the one that made me CRY#the BROMANCE#oscar needed to get that off his chest right off the bat 😭
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Cuphead rap lyrics 😱😱😱
Take a sip of this, I'm an itty bitty Cuphead
One sentence in, I've already made a pun, yep
Picking up steam, wonder why they call me hothead
Struck a deal with the devil, now I'm rackin' up debt
Yes I made a dumb bet, no need to get upset
I'm a cup of trouble, have you seen my mugshot yet?
Step in front of my finger gun, and you drop dead
Wallop all your bosses, leave 'em all jobless
They'll never stop me from runnin' like a faucet
I'm a full cup, don't you ever try to top it
You can never touch this, but you can kick the bucket
I'm meant to be drunk from, but not to be trusted
Heads up, hit the deck, Mugman
You don't really wanna get your head busted
I'm a dirty dish, who needs a rough scrubbin'
After doing these devilish deeds, God damn!
I'll stop this train even if it's haunted
"Where's my ship?" Sorry just sunk it
Hopping like a frog, duck and dodge your punches
Won't shed a single tear when I'm choppin' onions
Spent all your breath huffin' and puffin'
Just to get dumped on by a cup for nothin'
Unless all you wanna end up dead
You do not mess with a Cuphead, 'nuff said
Do not mess with a Cuphead, 'nuff said
Do not mess with a Cuphead, 'nuff said
Do not mess with a Cuphead, 'nuff said
Do not mess with a Cuphead, 'nuff said
You'll never catch me cryin' over milk I spilled
My head ain't empty, but who knows with what it's filled?
I took the devilish gamble
Nothing that a Cuphead couldn't handle
And now it's time to foot the bibbadibibitty-bill
Any line that you happen to draw
Is a line I'll be stepping across
Trapped in a world lacking any natural laws
Have you had your coffee yet? 'Cause I'm off of the walls
My demons need some exorcise
A little caffeine oughta get 'em energized
Will we ever get to heaven when we die?
Can't get any worse, we already bet our lives
Forget fairy tales, they're fizzin' out
I'd like to pick a fight with that prick, Micky Mouse
I'll kick his ass then I'll knock Walt Disney out
I'll leave 'em with a taste of toxic in their mouth (no!)
My hand's been dealt, it's a bad draw though
I'll go all in when the rest all fold
Look's like I'm on the last straw so
Better tell the devil th-that th-that's all folks!
Come see what we been brewin'
Something to keep ya movin'
Must be the beat I'm boomin'
Hit me with that funky music
How do we keep on groovin'?
Once could say we been juicin'
Beepin' boopin', looney toonin'
Time for you to face the music
You'll never catch me cryin' over milk I spilled
My head ain't empty, but who knows with what it's filled?
I took the devilish gamble
Nothing that a Cuphead couldn't handle
And now it's time to foot the bibbadibibitty-bill
I feel like the holy grail
Just hope I don't go to Hell
If so that won't go so well
I've been bad, but no one tell
I'm much more than just cup
Raise a toast and pick me up
Pour one more and drink it up, but don't choke
'Cause I'm not the kinda cup you should be chugging from
I'll get the jump on ya when I run and gun
Working for Lucifer is a ton of fun
"You two, do my bidding" done and done
I'm a jazzy chap who'll leave you razzle-dazzled
After I whoop and wallop your ass in battle
When I'm stuck up shits creek without a paddle
Just imagine, the glass is half full
You'll never catch me cryin' over milk I spilled
My head ain't empty, but who knows with what it's filled?
I took the devilish gamble
Nothing that a Cuphead couldn't handle
And now it's time to foot the bibbadibibitty-bill
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fic snippet about emotional labor, and weeping children, and how it does in fact take a village 😢
Sheep ain't the best with tears.
They remember Lucas, n' their comrades, n' all sorts of folks sobbin' their guts out, in the wintry months that followed the Dragon's rise. How they themself'd slink away to their shoebox, at the very back of the Yado Inn. Try to gulp down their guilt, with a watery bowl of canned soup. There was a time, ages later, when Dr. Westwood needed their internal battery ripped out and swapped with a new one. An ordeal so deathly precarious, it choked a snivel or two from Sheep's former Commander. Andnonuts'd kicked the bucket, though. Far be it from them to leave the kid hangin', all over again. They recall him covering his face, with a tooth clenching cringe. And them tellin' him it was alright, in a cracking voice. While they politely minded his exposed wiring, instead of his red eyes. Sheep was at his side, too, the first time a Capyburra passed. A hand on his shoulder's some sorta progress. Probably. Never mind how they froze up, when he snagged them in a tight, trembling hug. The way their stalwart colleague's chipper veneer shattered, in all of an instant. Revealing what really lay beneath. Just some poor, stranded, cryin' kid. Who'd already borne far too much loss, in so few years.
Yeah. Sheep'd been paralyzed, then. Stunned stupid. Beyond words - much less any helpful ones. When Claus thanked them for bein' there, they could scarcely fathom why.
With that big psychic brain of hers, Abelle seems to catch onto the electrician's cowardice. And honor it. As she marches through the gore and ruin, with her head held high. Holds a tough front, tears locked up tight - 'til the moment she's back in Bronson's arms.
Sheep resigns themself to a can of chicken noodle, tonight.
Bronson, of course, is just as much a coward. Though far more practiced. He'd weathered all manner of sobs and storms, at the White Ship's helm. N' all sorts since, when those tall sails crept back through the fog, into the memories of he n' his people. The un-blacksmith, clumsy as ever, had offered Abbey a drink. She shook her head, softly. Said she never touched the stuff. Preferred to feel her feelin's, no matter how dreadful. Sipped a tall glass o' water, while Jackie cast pensive frowns from the bar. Bronson paced himself. Meagerly nursing a scotch. She must've been ten or eleven, she told him. Clutchin' his hand for dear life. He recalls carryin' her. The deserter turned liferaft. How heavy she felt upon his shoulder. Though tiny, gaunt, and half-starved. Hardly bigger than her stuffed animal. It was a lion, he was pretty sure. She thought so, too.
Abelle doesn't ask that much of him. She sniffles quietly, with both rain boots planted firm in the bloodied rust. He catches himself glad of it. If only for one selfish, shameful moment. Then hugs her closer, as if to make up for it. The geezer who's seen it all. The whippersnapper who's seen not a damn thing. No worse than a skinned knee. 'Til here n' now.
She turns, peeking between his grasp, when Hox calls Kumatora's name. Shakes herself free, and comes running, at the first sight of hot pink. Buries herself against the strongest motherfucker here. N' lets the wailing take her at last. Telepathic torrents of red, pouring relentless from sundered seams.
"Aw.. Aw, hey. Shh," Kuma shushes. From those same, chapped, good night lips. Patting her raincoat-slick back. With a half-mitten of gauze and band-aids. The night's dim obscures her eyes' baggy bloodshot.
When she was girlie's age, a cryin' kid in her arms'd been yet another coward's gauntlet.
By now? It ain't nothin' novel.
"Thaaat's it… Cry it all out for me, that's it.. Heh. S'over n' done with, lil' miss. We're alright, see? We're all here, on the other side…"
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Trans-Femme Fatale
We were partners, he and I. Private investigators, ace dicks, problem sleuths, whatever way you gab it. Only so many ways to put lipstick on a pig. But I digress. Now he's missing. Three days. Could be dead, far as I know.
All started when that girl walked in. He was out on a case, I was keeping up an important conversation with a bottle of scotch. Girl said she was looking for her brother. Ran away from home in '44 to join up. Good on him. Get away from family drama and kill some ratzis to boot. Except the war's over and nobody's heard from him since. He and his folks, the girl tells me, never much got along, but her brother always doted on her.
New York City, that's a long walk from here. She tells me some actress friend of the girl's moves here a few months back and swears up and down she saw this brother on the streets, but couldn't tail him. So the loving sister comes down to reunite. She tells me the location. It's near my partner's building, so I call him and I'm lucky enough to get an answer. I give him the case, on merit of location.
I never hear from him again.
And the girl, neither. Hotel clerk says she signed out the morning after we met, with an older woman. Possibly a relation, he says. Something fishy about what the girl told me. The mother wouldn't come to find the brother if he was on fire, to hear her story.
No sign of a forced entry or a quick exit at my partner's pad. Hell, all his clothes are still there, so if he ran off on his own, he did it in a hurry. But no note? No nothin', after these years of working together? You'd think I'd earned that much. All's I got to go off of now is the faint smell of a nice perfume hanging low in the air. Fennel. Maybe a clue, or maybe a hooker.
I ask the old landlady if she's seen anyone go up to his floor. He seeing anyone? He ever meet with this girl from New York? She doesn't spy on her residents, she says. I get Andrew Jackson to repeat my questions. She tells me sometimes this dolled-up blonde visits him, late. Looks a little like that New York girl, she says, only with a whole lot more woman. Like I said: fishy.
Imagine my surprise to check back at the office and find this leggy dame sitting at his desk. I'd be pissin mad if she didn't fill those stockings so nicely while she did it. As it stands I just drag my eyes up over the broad's body so I can ask her to her face what she did to my partner. Is he dead? Who's the girl? What's your angle here, lady?
"Dead? No, no, only in a manner of speaking."
I tell ya, I almost pulled my piece right there, joking about this kind of a thing. But it'd be a cryin' shame to ruin a chest like that. I let her sultry voice speak. She starts by telling me she's the girl's sister. Bullshit. The girl told me she only had the one brother. Shut up and let me finish, she says. Yes ma'am, I say. Feisty one. Says her parents always thought they had a son, but she knew otherwise. Don't know how you could make w mistake like that! They made her live as a boy and tell everyone else, too. So she runs off to join the fighting in Europe. Gets denied, 4-F she says. I didn't know they made 'em bigger than a size D. So she does the next best thing: hop a train west and hope there's work wherever you get off. Sets herself up a new identity once she's got living money. Two, in fact. Some people still don't like her being a woman, apparently. A double life: one for work and the other for leisure. When her sister came around looking, she got in touch and explained everything. Apologized for running out on her, paid for her trip back home, even gave her the phone number if she ever needed anything else.
Lovely story, pulls at the heart-strings. She needs a minute to compose herself. I offer her some scotch and she takes it, staining red lips on the glass. Still, I lean forward, I've got to press her: how does my partner play into all this? Is he all right? Is he safe? Is he even alive? Then I catch a whiff of fennel, and I realize. We were partners, she and I.
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Prompt 4 Cozy Little Starlight
Cozy Little Christmas - Katy Perry
Our love is something priceless
Everybody's in a hurry, in a flurry
Shopping 'til they're droppin' in the snow
Kids are cryin', dogs are barkin'
Catching up with folks we barely know
Sure it's madness, but it's magic
As soon as you hang up the mistletoe
'Cause you're the reason for the season
No, we don't need to keep up with the Jones
I don't need diamonds, no sparkly things (no, oh, oh, oh, oh)
'Cause you can't buy this a-feeling (no, oh, oh, oh, oh)
Nothing lights my fire or wraps me up, baby, like you do
Just want a cozy, a cozy little Starlight here with you
So, Mr. Saint (Mr. Saint)
Take the day off (take the day off)
Get a massage (get a massage)
'Cause we've got this one all under control
A little whiskey (a little whiskey)
We're getting frisky (ooh!)
And slow dancing to F'lhaminn Qesh
No, we ain't stressin' (we ain't stressin')
Just caressin' (mm-hmm)
Warming up our popsicle toes
Nothing's missin' (nothing's missin')
'Cause you're a blessin' ('cause you're the blessin')
Yet, you're the only one I'm wishing for
Our love is something priceless
I don't need diamonds, no sparkly things (No, oh, oh, oh, oh)
'Cause you can't buy this a-feeling (No, oh, oh, oh, oh)
Nothing lights my fire or wraps me up, baby, like you do
Just want a cozy, a cozy little Starlight here with you
I don't need anything
Take back all the Rowena, and the Gerolt's and the Tataru
Well, can I keep that Tataru? Please?
No, no, no, no
I don't need diamonds, no sparkly things (No, oh, oh, oh, oh)
'Cause you can't buy this a-feeling (No, oh, oh, oh, oh)
Nothing lights my fire or wraps me up, baby, like you do
Just want a cozy, a cozy little Starlight here with you
Just you and me, under a tree
(Fa la la la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la la)
A cozy little Starlight here with you
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TPS Part 5: The Hogwarts Express
"Now son yer sure yer robes fit ya good? Ain't gonna be meltin down cause of em?"
Ah look in the mirror an see mahself in a set of school robes. Ah kinda bounce a bit.
"Why do Ah gotta wear 'em now?"
"So's ya don't ferget ta put 'em on. This a fancy school so's ya gotta follow their rules."
"Ohhh. Ah Pop. In that case Ah look real sharp! Ah'm ready fer Hogwarts!"
He pats mah shoulder smilin.
"Tha's mah boy! 11 years old an yer gonna be goin out on yer own adventures."
Ah go down ta the kitchen ta put the finishin touches on the tank fer Trevor. Pop an Ah get the last thangs together. Ah pick up mah trunk an' backpack an' Trevor's tank an we head out ta the car.
"Do ya got mah ticket, Pop?"
He smiles an nods.
"Got it right in mah pocket. Ah'mma give ya the ticket once we get ta the station."
"Ok."
Ah start fidgetin an look out the window.
Time Skip
Ah'm startin ta get a lil scared once we get ta the station. Pop parks the car an helps get mah stuff out. Ah see 'em lookin at me like he think somethin's wrong.
"Wha's wrong Pop?"
"Ya best be fixin ta get yer cryin out the way Toby. Ah know this' gonna be yer first time away from me so jus let out yer cryin now."
Ah try not ta cry... but Ah can't help it. Ah hug Pop an cry a little bit. He hugs me back.
"Ah'm givin ya money fer any snacks ya wanna eat on the train an yer ticket. Ya can send me letters anytime ya want. It'll take awhile but Ah promise ta send ya one back."
Ah'm still cryin an in a way Ah'm glad it's rainin. Ah like this type a rain cause it's all nice an cold. Calms me down.
"We's best be gettin on the platform before we get wet."
Ah follow Pop as we run inta the wall ta get on the platform.
"Whoa! Look Pop! Everybody's wearin robes!"
"Welcome ta the wizardin world son. This' jus how they dress which's why Ah had ya put 'em on before we left."
"Ya ain't gonna get in trouble fer not havin robes are ya Pop?"
"Nah. Wizardin folks know Ah ain't like 'em so they ain't gonna mind."
Ah see the train an hear a sound tha's like a mix a whistles an train wheels squeakin. Pop looks over at mah face an notices mah waterin' eyes.
"Doncha worry bout the train son. It'll sound loud at first but once ya give it a couple mins, yer gonna feel better."
Ah wipe mah eyes knowin Pop's makin sense. Ah can't really say anythang cause Ah'm tryna catch mah breath. Pop pats mah head an Ah start ta feel better.
"You's gonna be makin new friends Toby. Got yer frog, Trevor goin wit ya. Just gotta let out yer feelins an get on the train. Might run inta Pacer agin."
"Oh. Yer right Pop. Even though Ah ain't talked ta 'em fer long Ah think we could be good friends."
"Only way ta find out's ta get on the train."
"Ok Pop."
Ah get up close ta the train then stop. Mah mind goes blank an mah stomach feels tied up wit knots. But this time instead a bein' a scared kid it feels different. Ah think this' the first time Ah've ever felt real special. Maybe this' what Hogwarts' supposed ta be like.
"Watch yer step son. Jus gotta get on the train an you'll be fine."
"Thanks, Pop."
Ah make it ta the top an stand by the train window. Ah look back at Pop standin on the platform. Mah face is full a excitement an a flood of feelins. Mah stomach starts ta hurt real bad.
"Bye Pop! Ah love ya!"
"Bye son. Love ya too."
Ah try ta keep a straight face an keep watchin' mah Pop as the train pulls outta the station while gainin' speed.
"Trevor. Are we gonna be ok?"
He looks at me with his froggie eyes and ribbits. Ah try not ta cry agin.
"Thanks Trevor. We's gonna be great then. Ah wonder if Pacer's somewhere on the train."
Ah hear somebody clear their throat. Ah turn round ta see the train man lookin at me.
"Need help? I'll show ya how to find a seat."
"Well. Ok."
Ah follow the man through the train till Ah find a special train room.
"Thank ya sir."
Ah sit down knowin it's time ta close mah eyes an take a deep breath. Mah head leans against the train window as the train rattles down the tracks. Mah stomach starts to hurt real bad, like real bad... But Ah'm on the way to Hogwarts.
Time Skip
"Hello. My name is Jacklin. Jacklin Gryffindor. May I sit here with you?"
Ah peek out one eye an see a girl bout mah age lookin at mah face. She's got very pale skin an almost white hair. Mah stomach's still turnin' somersaults in mah gut.
"Oh, Ah guess so... Mah name's Toby Kwimper."
Ah notice that 'er eyes're still on mah face. She opens 'er mouth ta say somethin, then stops an jus stares at mah face.
"Is this your first time on the Hogwarts Express? You look like you have motion sickness."
"Uh yeah...how'd ya know?"
"When I got on the train I saw a few other first year students get sick."
"Oh. Well Ah'm not just gettin' sick, Ah'm gettin' real sick. Would ya maybe have somethin' ta settle mah stomach? Do ya know any spells?"
Ah feel sick nough ta puke. She sits down in front a me.
"Well I do know something. Try to focus on me, Toby."
"But mah stomach's turnin' and hurtin' real bad. Ah'm gonna puke."
Ah clutch mah stomach an look at Jacklin. Her eyes seem ta be drawin' me in.
"Just take deep breaths."
Ah slowly put mah hands out an we grab each other's hands. We jus look at each other's faces an try ta think about somethin' else.
"Are you feeling better, Toby?"
The pain's gone. Ah can still feel mah stomach movin, but it's stopped hurtin'.
"Yeah. Thanks."
Ah look at 'er an give 'er a little smile.
"That's lovely to hear, Toby. If you don't mind I think we try to distract ourselves. Let's talk about our wands."
Ah dig it outta mah pocket an take a good look at it.
"Awright. What d'ya wanna know?"
"Is it an English Oak wand? What's the core?"
"Yeap, it's got a unicorn hair in it."
"That means it's good right?"
"Oh yes. This type of wood was supposedly used to make Merlin's wand. Wizards who use this wand have to have strong intuition, and tend to like nature. You might end up becoming really good with our classes that focus on plants and magical creatures."
Ah feel mahself noddin but Ah don't really get everythang she's sayin.
"Oh yeah Pop called mah wand the wand a intuition."
Ah smile an have warm, fuzzy feelins in mah brain tha's makin' me feel good fer a change. Jacklin takes out 'er wand.
"This is Holly wood with a Veela hair core."
"Wha's a Veela?"
"Veela are semi-human magical beings; beautiful women with white-gold hair and skin that appears to shine like the moon. They're native to Bulgaria which is in Eastern Europe. When we get angry, Veela take on a less pleasant appearance; their faces elongate into sharp, cruel-beaked bird heads, and long scaly wings burst from their shoulders. My mother, who moved to the UK after she married my father, can do that but since I'm only half-Veela I can't."
"But wha's that mean bout the core a the wand?"
"Veela hair are only used for wizards with Veela heritage. They would otherwise make a wand very hard to use since Veela are prone to anger. My mother used one of her hairs to make my wand when I first got my letter in October."
Ah look at 'er wit big surprised eyes.
"Are ya dangerous?"
"Since I'm part Veela, I'm always trying to keep my powers under control. Veela have the ability to hypnotize most people attracted to girls when we dance since we're mostly female."
Mah stomach's rumblin' still, but Ah'm more scared a lookin' at 'er eyes now that Ah know what they can do. Ah hear 'er sigh.
"Veela magic is a curse. You never know who your real friends are. Even when we're not dancing, our magic creates an almost irresistible charm like the Sirens where they would feel the need to impress us by doing dangerous things."
Ah notice her skin seems ta look perfect. She ain't got bruises or paper cuts on 'er hands like Ah do. Ah wish Ah could comfort 'er an Ah don't want 'er ta feel so bad. After a bit, Ah start ta think about somethin'.
"Hey! Yer lips don't look perfect. There's a crack right in the middle of one of 'em!"
"Where?"
Ah point ta 'er lip an the little crack in the middle.
"Right there. See it?"
She looks at 'er reflection in the window.
"They do look a bit chapped. But wait. Does this mean that you don't feel affected by my magic?"
"Nah. Least Ah don't think Ah do cause now that Ah'm seein yer dry lips tha's all Ah can focus on."
She looks away from the window.
"I see. I didn't realize they were that dry."
Ah'm glad Ah was able ta find somethin' that ain't perfect bout her.
"See ya ain't so perfect! Perfect girls ain't got cracked lips."
"In that case, I should probably buy a bottle of pumpkin juice when the Honeydukes trolley passes by."
Ah look at 'er, an Ah wanna laugh. Ah dunno why since Ah know it probly ain't that funny.
"Wha's pumpkin juice good fer?"
"Anything to drink should help add moisture to my lips. The trolley on this train only has pumpkin juice to drink since we're going to have a feast when we get to Hogwarts."
Mah eyes look real big cause Ah sure ain't knowed we's gonna eat a lotta food.
"Feast?"
"Oh. Don't you have feasts where you're from, Toby?"
"Not at mah school. Sometimes we got pizza days but then on the last day a school we get this hotdog day. Sure ain't a feast cause we'd only get one hotdog an a bag a Fritos or Pringles. Ya know those small little bags they give ya cause the school jus ain't got a lotta money..."
Ah jus start ramblin bout mah old school an not realize Ah'm talkin bout nothin.
"Are you autistic Toby?"
"Uh huh."
"I think that might explain why you're not affected by my Veela magic."
Ah turn mah head a bit cause that don't make sense.
"How come?"
"I'm not sure since not everyone with autism seems to be affected the same way. It’s very rare to even have any immunity to Veela magic as it is."
"An yer sayin' Ah'm the only person that ain't affected by yer magic?"
"Outside of my family, yes. I’m not sure if there’s anyone else who wouldn’t be affected by it."
Ah look out da window while smackin mah hands gainst mah seat.
"We nearly at Hogwarts yet?"
"I think we have another hour before we get there. Do you want anything from the trolley?"
Ah remember mah stomach's rumblin a bit.
"Yeah. Ah think Ah could go fer pumpkin juice. Ah don't wanna be gettin cracked lips too."
The trolley lady appears an Ah try ta get mah wizardin money.
"Anythin off the trolley dears?"
"Yes, ma'am. One of dem pumpkin juices if ya got it."
"And for you?"
"I want two everything please."
Jacklin's gotta be rich if she can get all 'em snacks an pumpkin juice too. Ah dunno if Ah'd be able ta eat anythang at the feast.
"Tha'll be 12 sickles love."
Ah try ta count out tha money an hand it ta her.
"Thank ya ma'am."
"And tha'll be 2 galleons dear."
"Of course."
Ah see Jacklin give 'er 2 gold coins. She gives us everythang we asked fer.
"Enjoy!"
"Thank you, Ms. Mason."
She walks past us wit 'er cart.
"Have you ever had anything from Honeydukes before, Toby?"
Ah shake my head, droolin' an starvin' an waitin' impatiently, like a baby might act.
"No matter. Ms. Mason is a lovely woman. She makes all of the pumpkin turnovers herself. Do you know what that is?"
"Nah. We ain't even got a cart fer snacks. We don't drink pumpkin juice neither so Ah dunno how it tastes."
"I think it makes for a nice summer's drink. It seems to be popular here because it's sweet. It also goes well with a pumpkin turnover which isn't as sweet."
"So it ain't a pumpkin pie?"
She pulls out somethin small an Ah'm guessin tha's it.
"We normally don't eat pumpkin like that. In fact, pumpkins in general aren't typically eaten here in the UK which makes this a nice treat. I like to eat these while they're still warm."
"Ohhhh. Well Ah'll try the pumpkin juice an see how it tastes."
Ah smile at 'er then immediately take a big sip while she eats 'er turnover. The drink seems ta help mah hunger pangs.
"Thanks fer buyin all these snacks, Jacklin."
"You're welcome. I figure that you should learn about all of the different snacks that we have here. It makes for a nice conversation."
She pulls out a lil package.
"Have you ever tried a chocolate frog before, Toby?"
"Nah. Ah mean some people eat frogs where Ah'm from but they don't cover 'em in chocolate. They fry their legs. Ah don't eat 'em though cause... Ah got mah frog Trevor."
Ah open it up. A magical chocolate frog starts ta hop around.
"These ain't alive are they?"
"Of course not, Toby. These frogs are just chocolate shaped like ones."
Ah grab it an' start nommin' on mah chocolate frog like it's some kinda animal. It's meltin' in mah mouth.
"Thank ya."
"There’s the card that comes with it. The boys like to trade them when they collect these."
Ah look at the picture an read tha card.
"Which one did you get, Toby?"
"Ah dunno who Ah got but it says Albus Dumbledore."
"Oh that's Headmaster Dumbledore. We'll be meeting him today once we get to Hogwarts. You should keep it."
Ah feel real full an relaxed and tired, but Ah feel good. Ah smile up at her like one a those baby animals wit big eyes.
"Ya know, Ah feel like Ah ate mah favorite dinner an' then Ah ate mah dessert an then some mo' favorite dinner an then some mo dessert. Ah feel kinda... kinda full... A little... sleepy..."
Ah yawn a little, an' Ah lean against her until Trevor ribbits.
"What was that? Chocolate frogs never sound like real ones."
"Oh."
Ah look around t find tha sound. Ah see Trevor on tha floor an' Ah pick it up.
"Trevor started talkin' ta me."
"Is that your pet, Toby?"
"Uh huh."
Ah let Trevor sit on mah hand an' scratch tha back a his head. He likes tha way Ah'm scratchin' him. Ah wonder if he likes mah scratchin' better than tha others. He likes tha way Ah pet him. Ah notice Jacklin lookin at me.
"Wha's happened?"
"Oh nothing. Nothing happened, Toby. I was just thinking about you and your frog. I think the English oak was a good choice for your wand.
"Why's that?"
"Trevor seems to understand what you’re saying like he’s a person too. It really shows how connected you are with nature."
"Well tha's cause Trevor's smart like Ah am. He's talkin' ta me like he knew me real well ever since Ah got 'em. We're basically friends."
Ah say all that wit a serious face. Cause Ah mean it. Jacklin don't seem ta think Ah'm weird that Ah talk ta frogs.
"Well that's nice Toby."
Ah give Trevor a long and tender scratch along tha back an' tha back a his neck, an he seems ta like it. Ah look at Jacklin an Ah see the same kinda look in her eyes now too. She seems ta understand me a lil better all a sudden. Mah heart's flippin around. But Ah'm happy. Real happy.
Tagging: @arrolyn1114, @nemos-rapture, @xanatenshi, @briefpandatimemachine, @hooked-on-elvis, @vintagepresley, @aliengoth3, @smokeymountainboy, @bigdaddyelvislover, @mercsandmonsters, @pledgingmylovee, @presleysgirl6, and @thetaoofzoe.
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🎤 @dark-ambition (Sir Pentious)
Send 🎤 to catch my muse singing while they think nobody's around!
(Song: "Easy Come, Easy Go Blues" by Bessie Smith)
"♪ Some folks, they always cryin';
Cryin' their mean ol' blues.
Not me, you never even see me frown!
Some folks just walk around tryin';
Tryin' hard, love to loose.
But I said, 'Let it come, good better burn'
I'm the happiest guy in the town!
Easy come, easy go!
Nothin' ever worries me!
Care for none, eyes of stone;
Don't know misery! ♬"
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song/ship analyses part 7: aziracrow and "cuz i love you" by lizzo
i'm going to apologize in advance for the way the lyrics are written. it pissed me off so it'll probably piss some of you off as well. but i don't have enough energy to rewrite them to look better so 🤷♀️
“Never been in love before
What the fuck are fuckin' feelings, yo?” aziraphale is the only person crowley’s ever been in love with and the same vice versa
“Got you somethin' from the liquor store” azi and crowley drink together all the time
“Tryna open up a little more
Sorry if my heart a little slow” crowley doesn’t really tell azi about hell and like he never talks about how he feels to anyone really but in s2 he starts to open up about things a little
“I thought that I didn't care
I thought I was love-impaired” this is more of a fanon thing but a lot of fanfics bring the idea that it’s commonly thought by angels that demons are unable to love (if it was said somewhere in canon i look like a fucking idiot right now)
“I don't know what I'm gon' do” crowley falls for azi immediately and then pines for 6000 years without making a SINGLE move this demon has no idea how to do anything
“I'm cryin' 'cause I love you, oh” season 2 finale right here folks
“Got me standin' in the rain” this is more relevant to the show, azi covers crowley with his wing and he’s left in the rain from what we can see
“I would do it for you all, my friend” he went to hell for crowley like i think this angel would fistfight god for crowley
“Wanna put you on a plane
Fly you out to wherever I am” he wanted crowley to come with him to heaven and get reinstated as an angel, he always wants crowley to be right next to him
“Catch you on the low, I was ashamed
Now I'm crazy, 'bout to tat your name” azi starts out very embarrassed to be talking to crowley but through the years he gets over that and ends up being willing to do anything for him
“I thought that I didn't care
I thought I was love-impaired” azi believing it’s impossible for an ANGEL to love a DEMON and spending millennia oblivious to the fact that he did
“I don't know what I'm gon' do” he figures out he’s in love with crowley in 1941 and then the next time we see them together this mf goes “you go too fast for me” he does not know how to deal with his feelings AT ALL
“I'm cryin' 'cause I love you, yeah” literally ever since 1941 bro has been grappling with the fact that he’s down horrendous for a DEMON and then it ends in the season 2 finale he is definitely crying
#aziraphale x crowley#anthony j crowley#good omens#aziracrow#aziraphale#ineffable husbands#lizzo#cuz i love you#song/ship analysis
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L.E.S. by Donald Glover
Baby, you're the baddest
Baby, you're the baddest girl, and, uh
Nobody else matters
Nobody else matters girl, and, uh
We're kissing in the bathroom
We're kissing in the bathroom girl, and, uh
I hope nobody catch us
But I kinda hope they catch us, anyway
A New York nine's an everywhere else six
Timewise, the opposite goes for chicks
I'm in a taxi, texting with my best friend
He's sleeping with this girl that he met up on the West End
He's lucky, she's a career woman, no kids
Most girls see the clothes and try and gold dig
Most hoes poke holes in Trojans
Most people don't fuck and hit the lotto but my folks did
I'm a mess
That don't rhyme with shit, it's just true
Don't bring your girlfriend here, it's just you
When I'm depressed you're someone I run to
But, I guess meet me at Pianos
They cross-fadin' off of Nanos
Ugh, on that hipster shit
And you's a hipster, bitch
Yo, but not in the lame way
Like, you ain't livin' out in BK
Like, you ain't workin' on a screenplay
Like, your baby daddy ain't a DJ
Like, she listenin' to old Freeway
'Cause everybody listens to Biggie, but she different
Right, that's why your friends need wristbands?
Fuck you
Can I have this dance?
Baby, you're the baddest
Baby, you're the baddest girl, and, uh
Nobody else matters
Nobody else matters girl, and, uh
We're kissing in the bathroom
We're kissing in the bathroom girl, and, uh
I hope nobody catch us
But I kinda hope they catch us
Baby, you're the baddest
Baby, you're the baddest girl, and, uh
Nobody else matters
Nobody else matters girl, and, uh
We're kissing in the bathroom
We're kissing in the bathroom girl, and, uh
I hope nobody catch us
But I kinda hope they catch us, anyway
We can pretend if you want to, like
We in love and started dating at your art school
'Cause either way we both lying more than half of the time
Except for when I'm home workin' on your graphic design
Every time we see each other, I'm taking you home
Our relationship has gotten Sylvester Stallone
Yellow-911-Persian girl-in-the-back car
But me writin' a verse would be the only way they buyin' a bar
White boys used to trip and send me over a gin
But they busy showin' off each other Indian friend
She got ironic tattoos on her back
That ain't ironic bitch, I love Rugrats
Watching lames handle they fame
They bang any broad with bangs
In a band with an animal name
Hannibal came drinkin' a handle of Jameson
Analling anyone is the plan for the evening
I'm kidding, stop
Girl cryin' on Ludlow
She still look good though
Love is Eastside
Who are you to hate?
Movie ass; not a 10, but a super 8
You ain't see me at the show?
I was super great
Hotel penthouse, gon' and let it ruminate
City never sleeps, so I guess I'm never slept on
Did everything I could, then I kept going
Baby, you're the baddest
Baby, you're the baddest girl, and, uh
Nobody else matters
Nobody else matters girl, and, uh
We're kissing in the bathroom
We're kissing in the bathroom girl, and, uh
I hope nobody catch us
(I hope nobody catch us)
Baby, you're the baddest
Baby, you're the baddest girl, and, uh
Nobody else matters
Nobody else matters girl, and, uh
We're kissing in the bathroom
We're kissing in the bathroom girl, and, uh
I hope nobody catch us
But I kinda hope they catch us, anyway
Ooh, girl, I wanna know
Are you ready to cry?
'Cause I'm no good, no good
Ooh, girl, I wanna try
I'm an awful guy
And I'm always away
And I'm tryin' to say
I'm a piece of shit
Believe in this
I'm tellin' you
'Cause we barely knew
What we had
I'm not that bad
The fun we had
Ooh
Baby, you're the baddest
Baby, you're the baddest girl, and, uh
Nobody else matters
Nobody else matters girl, and, uh
We're kissing in the bathroom
We're kissing in the bathroom girl, and, uh
I hope nobody catch us
But I kinda hope they catch us, anyway
Baby, you're the baddest
Baby, you're the baddest girl, and, uh
Nobody else matters
Nobody else matters girl, and, uh
We're kissing in the bathroom
We're kissing in the bathroom girl, and, uh
I hope nobody catch us
But I kinda hope they catch us, anyway
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here it is!! my pieces for the love, an undertalezine!! i’m pretty satisfied with how these both turned out, even if they ended up being quite different from how i conceptualized them.
the zine is chock full of great art from talented people
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We Don’t Bother the Neighbors
“Mom!” I call, break-necking around the corner and into the kitchen. My knees knock together like wind chimes and I crash into the counter. “It’s there again!” I pant and try to catch my mother’s eyes as she stirs up a bowl.
“Darla-Joyce . . .” she says in warning and I wrinkle my nose. Everyone else calls me DJ.
“Did you hear me?” I push up on my elbows. “It’s there again! ‘cross the street.”
My mom’s eyes turn to shards of glass and the wooden spoon thumps against the side of the bowl. The poor potatoes must be mush. “Darla-Joyce,” she says with more heat, glancing over. “Are you wearing those ratty old overalls again?”
I’m seven now and should be wearing grown-up things and pants that cover my ankles. I suck on my bottom lip, studying her face. I’d only have one more go of this.
“It was so big!” I throw my arms out. “The roof was black, mom, like a castle. The door was open, and I saw ‘em! Their mommy was big, so big, and her hair was just like the roof. She was standing inside the door, and I mighta said hi if she wasn’t holding her baby, he was such a little thing and sleepin’. Only his eyes were open I’m thinking.
And mommy, their house was the biggest thing I’ve seen! I tried to count all the windows and ran out of fingers. Her whole family musta moved in too since I saw people walking all upstairs holding candles, back and forth. And they’re movin in this way,” I demonstrate for her, making my hand a wave. “Like, like they got no spine! Pastor Dave says we gotta look out for folks. And Pastor Dave could help their mommy ‘cause she looked like she been cryin’ and her baby looking right at me all quiet and mommy I—” The sting of the wooden spoon is sharp against the back of my hand.
“Eek!” I jump back, scrambling to the wall and rubbing the welt.
My mom’s jaw sets. “We don’t,” she says. Her voice is thin as drought reeds. “We don’t bother the neighbors.”
When I look up there is a new look I’ve never seen before, not from my mom or my teachers or the pastor. It settles there like a cherry pit in my stomach, silence caking-over and I know enough to scamper back outdoors.
The neighbor’s house is gone when I rush into the sunlight, as it always is.
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Once, a long time ago, there was a wise Zen master. People from far and near would seek his counsel and ask for his wisdom. Many would come and ask him to teach them, enlighten them in the way of Zen. He seldom turned any away.
One day an important man, a man used to command and obedience came to visit the master. “I have come today to ask you to teach me about Zen. Open my mind to enlightenment.” The tone of the important man’s voice was one used to getting his own way.
The Zen master smiled and said that they should discuss the matter over a cup of tea. When the tea was served the master poured his visitor a cup. He poured and he poured and the tea rose to the rim and began to spill over the table and finally onto the robes of the wealthy man. Finally the visitor shouted, “Enough. You are spilling the tea all over. Can’t you see the cup is full?”
The master stopped pouring and smiled at his guest. “You are like this tea cup, so full that nothing more can be added. Come back to me when the cup is empty. Come back to me with an empty mind.”
Take a sip of this, I'm an itty bitty Cuphead
One sentence in, I've already made a pun, yep
Picking up steam, wonder why they call me hothead
Struck a deal with the devil, now I'm rackin' up debt
Yes I made a dumb bet, no need to get upset
I'm a cup of trouble, have you seen my mugshot yet?
Step in front of my finger gun, and you drop dead
Wallop all your bosses, leave 'em all jobless
They'll never stop me from runnin' like a faucet
I'm a full cup, don't you ever try to top it
You can never touch this, but you can kick the bucket
I'm meant to be drunk from, but not to be trusted
Heads up, hit the deck, Mugman
You don't really wanna get your head busted
I'm a dirty dish, who needs a rough scrubbin'
After doing these devilish deeds, God damn!
I'll stop this train even if it's haunted
"Where's my ship?" Sorry just sunk it
Hopping like a frog, duck and dodge your punches
Won't shed a single tear when I'm choppin' onions
Spent all your breath huffin' and puffin'
Just to get dumped on by a cup for nothin'
Unless all you wanna end up dead
You do not mess with a Cuphead, 'nuff said
Do not mess with a Cuphead, 'nuff said
Do not mess with a Cuphead, 'nuff said
Do not mess with a Cuphead, 'nuff said
Do not mess with a Cuphead, 'nuff said
You'll never catch me cryin' over milk I spilled
My head ain't empty, but who knows with what it's filled?
I took the devilish gamble
Nothing that a Cuphead couldn't handle
And now it's time to foot the bibbadibibitty-bill
Any line that you happen to draw
Is a line I'll be stepping across
Trapped in a world lacking any natural laws
Have you had your coffee yet? 'Cause I'm off of the walls
My demons need some exorcise
A little caffeine oughta get 'em energized
Will we ever get to heaven when we die?
Can't get any worse, we already bet our lives
Forget fairy tales, they're fizzin' out
I'd like to pick a fight with that prick, Micky Mouse
I'll kick his ass then I'll knock Walt Disney out
I'll leave 'em with a taste of toxic in their mouth (no!)
My hand's been dealt, it's a bad draw though
I'll go all in when the rest all fold
Look's like I'm on the last straw so
Better tell the devil th-that th-that's all folks!
Come see what we been brewin'
Something to keep ya movin'
Must be the beat I'm boomin'
Hit me with that funky music
How do we keep on groovin'?
Once could say we been juicin'
Beepin' boopin', looney toonin'
Time for you to face the music
You'll never catch me cryin' over milk I spilled
My head ain't empty, but who knows with what it's filled?
I took the devilish gamble
Nothing that a Cuphead couldn't handle
And now it's time to foot the bibbadibibitty-bill
I feel like the holy grail
Just hope I don't go to Hell
If so that won't go so well
I've been bad, but no one tell
I'm much more than just cup
Raise a toast and pick me up
Pour one more and drink it up, but don't choke
'Cause I'm not the kinda cup you should be chugging from
I'll get the jump on ya when I run and gun
Working for Lucifer is a ton of fun
"You two, do my bidding" done and done
I'm a jazzy chap who'll leave you razzle-dazzled
After I whoop and wallop your ass in battle
When I'm stuck up shits creek without a paddle
Just imagine, the glass is half full
You'll never catch me cryin' over milk I spilled
My head ain't empty, but who knows with what it's filled?
I took the devilish gamble
Nothing that a Cuphead couldn't handle
And now it's time to foot the bibbadibibitty-bill
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Timothy Christian Ames / John Warren Gelardi
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Harper Alexander x Fem!Reader || Oneshot, [Part 2]
Title: The Fake Love Of My Life [PART 2]
Notes:
I'm just realising Harper and Y/N's relationship is very like Dimitri and Anastasia haha XD
Plot: Fake fiancés, impending murder victims who are actually quite lovely, dancing, jealousy, and engagement rings- oh my!
Warnings: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh? Jealousy?
"Wait... you two? Are together???"
The words coming out of an 'honoured guest's mouth, aimed at Harper and I as he comes on into the bar, pressing a kiss to my temple on his way past. The guests, especially the one that rode in with that blonde Harper made off with earlier, do not miss it despite its subtlety - given more for the towns folk around us then anything else, obviously, - . And suddenly the fact that Harper just went off flirting with another woman, hits us both in the face.
Well... fuck- and the rest of the town catches it, too; Freaking out also, on the inside. I glance up unsurely at Harper who is still standing close to my seat, but force a tinkering smile that just makes me look perplexed, and that doesn't meet my eyes.
Which, you know, works. Because if we were a real couple, and I didn't, in fact, know perfectly well that he had to seduce these girls then I would look like this; Oblivious. And that's exactly what the guests think is happening.
Trying not to show my nervousness at the situation, a shield that I've mastered at this point, I decide to play the clueless-type. Thoughtlessly blinking and smiling, I tilt my head at the guy. "Yeah," I hold up the back my left hand, and show off the engagement ring (Which so happens to be Harper's actual mothers ring, so I take very good care of it even if it doesn't totally feel like mine, nor will it ever- seeing at the engagement in the first place is a total hoax) and beam. "We're engaged, actually!"
"Uhhh... " The guy's eyes flicker nervously from me, to Harper where his glance becomes hard. You can tell that he's struggling not to tell me out right what my 'fiancé' has been up to, and is gouging what kind of reaction Harper might give if he does do that right now. Still looking blissfully oblivious, I look between the two with wide, confused eyes. "Dude."
Knitting my brows together, I play my part well. A hand on Harpers arm and a teetering tone to my voice completes the act. "Harper?"
"Ah. Y/N!... " He picks up my hand off his arm, and holds it in his own, playing his own part with a side of guilt sitting beside a big serving of regretful douchebag. He doesn't meet my eyes completely, just flickers over them, leaning his shoulder slightly between me and the guy. "Its nothin', don't worry about it. Okay?"
"Hey, its not nothing!" The guy actually shoves Harper out of his way, and my own blow open wide at it as Harper flashes a dark glare his way, silently. "Girl- " I blink up at this man, who's pointing directly at me after that show of violence and I hand him all my attention. Because oh- wow- direct! Okay, yes? I mean I know he's going to be dead in a couple of hours and he's the enemy but wow. He points behind him with a thumb, at Harper. "This guy's been cheating on you. I saw him go off with my girl friend, Jess- and I know her. The way she was lookin' at him... oof," He shakes his head. "They fucked, or something, man. I'm sorry."
Miss Peaches and Boone flash eachother a smirky, secret glance at that while most people are looking at me for a response or glaring at Harper like some of the guests are, Buckman's watching this whole scene like a show at the theatre and he's on the edge of his seat, Hucklebilly is silently urging me with his eyes to do something already. Like hurry. Hurry up. Hurry! Hurry!!
Dragging my gaze away from Huck's, I make myself slowly look from the guy that 'told me'... to Harper. Before a new expression can take hold on my face, I ask, in a deadly tone; "... what?"
Harper immediately comes forward again, looking desperate and pissed off- though its not me, he's angry at. "I don't know what he's talking about, Y/N, I swear- "
I get up from my seat and he steps - stumbles? - back at the terrible glare on my face. As terrible as I can muster, when I want to laugh at his reactions. You know? Sometimes this pretending thing can be a lot of fun. Taking a deep breath, I take off the ring he gave me, and under the gaze of the man that told me Harper was 'cheating'- I hand it back to him. Then I clear my throat, as he looks from it... to me. And does 'heartbroken' so well. "... Um- whether you did, or not. I- I cant wear this... u-until, I know. You know? Um... sorry."
Then I manage to slip past him and out the bar door, into the empty square before a smile fights onto my face and giggles topple out of me. I collapse against the side of the building, letting the laughter come out as I cover my face. Oh god... the looks on Harper's face! Oh, he was good.
He must have run out after me a moment later - after the appropriate amount of staring heartbrokenly at my empty seat, I'm sure, - because then he's poking around the corner, finding me, and enfolding his hands into his pockets as he saddles lazily up to me.
But he does not fool me- he's pretty damn amused too, I see, as when I glance around my fingers; Theirs a grin on his handsome face.
Sighing, I calm down and press my head back into the wood. "That was good! You did well!- Coulda cried, though. I mean, you were being left by me, after all."
Rolling his eyes, making me giggle again, Harper sets his jaw. "You sure think a lotta yourself, don't ya?" His slow drawl is back to normal, no longer desperate like he was acting before. Perfectly, annoyingly shirty. He leans in towards me, giving me a raised eyebrow-look. "I didn't see you cryin', neither, Y/N. Not even one, stray, tear."
"Hm. Not even I am that good an actress, Harper."
He smirks back at me, and for a moment , before returning to his straight standing position, and sighing. He looks back at the building, his mouth twisted into a displeased, put-out frown. "Well, I guess we're fightin', now... Should we be yellin'?"
Scrunching up my nose, suddenly tasting something gross in my mouth, I scowl at him. "Do we want to be the kinda couple that screams and yells?"
"Well, it is just an act."
"Yeah, but still."
"Hmmm... " Harper, looking dissatisfied with my objections, looks away again and thinks. "Okay. How about we just say we fought, then? You can jog in place for a minute and look like you just ran a marathon or something when we get back in."
Gaze flickering up to him, my eyes narrow. "Oh I am only running, if you let me squeeze your cheeks to make it look like you got red-faced."
He does not look like he likes that idea, at all. "... Okay. What if I didn't find you, then? 'N instead I walked around looking for you for a while. You can go back in now and I'll wait out here for a while before comin' back in."
"Yeah, lets do that." I push off the wall and ready myself to go back in their, looking all down, when Harper pulls something out of his pocket and tries to give it back to me. As soon as I realise that its the ring though, I shake my head good naturedly and push his hand back. "You hold onto it, until this is all over. I don't want it falling out of my pocket." It was his mothers, so its important, and if anything in this relationship is real its our shared devotion to keeping that ring safe. I would die if I lost it.
Harper stalls for a moment, displeased by my response if I didn't know better, before shoving it and his fist back into the pocket of his trousers. "Alright then... Until this is all over."
"Right." I assure him, awkwardly. Before patting his shoulder and passing him by. "See you back in there!"
"Yep."
~
Its nearly 45 minutes before Harper comes back into the bar, a sullen look on his face still, like normal. I look away almost immediately, pointedly- returning to the conversation I'm having with Miss Peaches. "... As I was saying, yeah we are having nice weather toda- "
The guy from earlier - the one that had informed me of Harper's 'infidelity'. I think his name was Matt? - suddenly pushes out of his seat a few tables over, seeing Harper come in also and saddles right beside my chair. I cut off again, and look up to him. Hello? Mister?
Not looking at me, rather glowering Harper's way, Matt offers his hand to me. Shoving it right in front of my face. I blink, surprised at its presence and the gesture. "Miss? Would you like to dance?"
"Uh- " What? I look from him, with wide, surprised eyes to Miss Peaches who just looks pretty darn amused at it - in other words, entirely unhelpful, - , as I feel quite put on the spot and unsure. What is he doing?? The whole room seems to still once again, noticing the scene that Matt is creating, and I glance Harper's way.
His sullen look has just begun to look hazardous to anyone standing near to him and I fight not wince under its power, myself.
Matt breaks his gaze from its locked position with Harper's, and looks down to me; His gaze softens, a bit, and I understand that he's only trying to make me feel better. And if this whole thing wasn't fraudulent in the first place I would probably be grateful. So letting out a careful breath, letting go of my nerves and surprise at being put in a position like this, I place my hand in his and let him guide me up to my feet.
Oh god- now I just really want everyone to stop looking, at us. At me. Stop, stop, stop-
A booming clap sounds throughout the room, and just like that everyone's attention is stolen clean away by our enigmatic mayor, who's stood up and grinning. "What a good idea! Go on everyone, lets have ourselves a good old-fashioned hoedown. Grab a partner and get to the dance floor!"
As everyone immediately starts liking that idea and getting up from their seats, and music starts play from the little wooden stage in the corner, I let myself relax. Thank god. Bless that man. Long live the mayor.
"Hey, so, are you okay?" I'm broken from my relieved thoughts, as Matt walks me to the middle of the dance floor and guides me in front of him- setting one hand on my waist while the other holds my hand. His words are sweet and low, so no one else really hears, and damn- I'm going to sure be mournful when he dies. Even if he is a yank.
Offering him a small, strong smile as we begin to dance to the reasonably paced guitar music, I set the hand of mine that isn't holding his securely up onto his shoulder. He's just wearing a sleeveless under shirt, so I feel a bit of the skin of his shoulder which is odd but I've long since given up holding new-comers to any of the same expectations we have. "I'm holding up, thank you. I just never thought he would do something like that... its so not Harper... "
Speaking of Harper, I glance around the room slowly to see where he is now, and catch his glare from the side of the room with Miss Peaches. Evidently she's asking him if he wants to dance with her while I'm busy, but he seems unresponsive. Too busy playing jealous.
I quickly look away. Matt shrugs. "Yeah well, you can never really tell with douchebags. Sometimes they're real nice guys, until they aren't."
"Yeah... I guess so... "
"Anyway," Matt suddenly lets go of my waist, carries my hand up to above our heads, and spins me. A cant help the delighted giggle that tumbles out of me at the move, my skirts flying around me before he pulls me back to his body. He flashes me a grin back, and as the music's tempo speeds up, so do we- the dance becoming faster, and more fun. "Lets see if I can distract you from that bullshit for a little while."
Smirking back to him, I feel like forgetting about who I'm supposed to be, now - engaged and heartbroken, - in order to just have some fun. Because damn, it has been a long time. Yes at parties I dance with men - Lester, Hucklebilly, Buckman. Even Granny, though she isn't a man, - but that's not really the same. That's like dancing with my brothers, or my father - or mother, - . Theirs nothing quite like dancing with a man you don't know, not because you want him to court you or because he wants to court you, but just for fun.
"Lets see if you can."
~
A couple of hours later I finally sit back down again, a beam on my face and my cheeks warm - aching for a glass of water or twelve, - as Matt excuses himself to go to the bathroom- but promises that he'll be back. "Take your time, I'll be here!"
He smiles, patting my shoulder comfortingly, before turning and heading off out of the building.
Its a few moments later, after I've acquired a drink of water and am sipping at it at the bar, that Harper slips into the seat next to me. I turn and- immediately, catch myself. I was about to smile, and ask him how his night is going.
But I remembered just in time that I am supposed to be mad at him, and take a deep breath; Looking away again.
Without saying a thing to me, he orders himself a shot of whiskey- a heavily grumpy look on his face. I glance at him, wondering what's going on in his head and if he's had any fun at all tonight or if he's been preoccupied acting like a jealous bastard the whole time. I worry that its turned his actual mood sour.
I hope not.
"So... " He finally speaks, still not looking at me. "You been havin' a good time, with that yank?"
"Um... " Glancing around us, I see a group of the yankee girls nearby within hearing distance, and look nervously at Harper. Because for whatever reason, I get the inkling that he isn't acting anymore, and I don't want him thinking that anything that comes out of my mouth, is true. "That's... not, really, any of your business- is it?"
Finally he looks at me, and theirs a pissed off gleam in his brown eyes as he looks down on me. "Oh yes it is. You're my fiancé, ain't ya?"
My jaw nearly damn well drops. Has he been drinking before now?? I didn't see him dancing at all throughout the night. What's wrong with him? Theirs definitely something odd about what he's saying; How he's looking.
Not even Harper is this good of an actor.
"Harper... " Lowering my voice and leaning closer, I tug gently at the side of his clean white shirt. "Are you alright? Do you want to leave and talk?- "
"What's happenin' here, huh?" Oh for fucks sake- I turn to see Matt suddenly back, on my other side and standing over both Harper and I- but turning his stony, protective, angry look on my 'fiancé', obviously. I mean, I appreciate the efforts but you really have the worst timing, Mathew-
Harper doesn't back down even an inch from the more imposing figure that is my dancing partner for the evening. In fact he just pulls up his whiskey to his lips, letting his hand dangle lazily before him as he raises his brows at Matt. "I'm talkin' to my lady, a'course. What are you doin'?"
"Oh, your lady?" Matt scoffs, and I feel like red lights should be flashing and alarms should be blaring. Their tones are dangerous. "First of all, this is the twenty first century man so she has a name. Second of all- did you mean Y/N or the girl two seats down from you?"
Oh, hell. My eyes widen as that particular dig leaves Matts lips and, knowing Harper's already prickly personality, turn slowly to him. A flickering of a tiny - dangerous, - smile flashes across his lips as he nods and looks away, before taking the whole contents of his glass in one go. Then he turns to me - to me! - , an only marginally softer look in his eyes. "Y/N, lets go."
"Uh- " I cut myself off, unsure of how to respond. He continues to look at me, waiting impatiently for my response, and Matt looks swiftly down at me before picking up for, me.
"Y/N's not going anywhere with you if she doesn't want to, man. So back off."
"My apologies, was I talking to you?" Harper turns his gaze up to Matt again, and my eyes tear around the room for some help, but for the first time today no one, is stopping to witness the drama.
Hell, violence could be ensuing, and no one here cares?? Seriously?! How drunk is everyone?!
"No, but someone has to be good to Y/N."
Harper doesn't flinch but you can tell that he wanted to, as one of his eyes slowly squints, and the frown lines in his face deepen. "... do you wanna take this outside?"
Immediately I whip around to face him fully. A hand slamming down on the table between us and I am deeply concerned. "Harper do you even see the size of this man!?"
"Love to, but I don't feel the need to remedy all my problems with violence, mate." Matt smirks, crossing his arms. And first of all, thank god, but also- the look on Harper's face at hearing that is horrifying. How could this man have made things worse, by not punching Harper in the face?! Now I kind of wish they had gone outside.
"Okay!" Before Harper can respond, or take out the sharp throwing object I know he has in his pocket, I get up out of my seat and back off from them both. "You both need to stop this, before it becomes a dick measuring contest. First of all, Matt, I had a really lovely night so thank you, but I'm leaving now, so goodbye. Harper- " The moment I turn to him, I stall, and calm down. And I mean it, when I say; "I'll talk to you, later."
Then I turn around and head for the door so that I can walk out into the night and go home- when I suddenly hear a horrible hitting noise and a crash, followed by gasps and Buckman yelling 'HELL'- and whip right back around. My eyes blow open wide the moment that I see Matt, fallen into a chair behind him holding his jaw, and Harper shaking out his fist, still managing to look tough even as his fist must be killing him, looking down on Matt. I gape, about to say something - or yell something, - but Harper suddenly turns to me, and grabs my hand on his way storming through the horrified crowd and out of the building. I just try to keep up so he doesn't tear my arm off.
Once we're down the road a bit, I manage to rip my arm back away from him, and get glare in response. I tough it out, though, and scowl back at him. "Harper what the hell?? I mean I know we're kind of invested in our scheme but you're acting weird, now. And- you- you hit him! Why would you do that??? What is wrong with you??"
"'It's what my 'character', woulda done," He almost growls, through grit teeth.
"You really don't have to go that far, Harp!" He really, really, doesn't!
Rolling his eyes up into his skull, I watch as he finally takes in a deep breath- hands on his hips, bracing himself. After a moment of silence, and I'm thinking he's calming down now thankfully, his gaze flashes to me and I see clearly that he's still burning.
Reaching over to me, he once again takes my hand in his and drags me off. Not quite so angrily this time, so I don't fear that my arm will be removed from my shoulder at all at least, but I'm still totally lost. Where are we going, now??
We don't go far, as it turns out, and he quickly presses me against a wall between two houses close by to where we were, and in the darkness I can just make out a clearer look entering his eyes, finally. Like his sight is finally, - finally, finally! - not so clouded by fury anymore, as he breathes in fresh night time air. Silently, I watch, waiting for him to speak first.
Is he okay??
Taking his hands off of me, he runs a hand back through his hair, and finally lets his shoulders relax. "... Okay. Okay. I'm fine, now. Sorry for makin' you uncomfortable."
"Are... are you sure you're alright? Do you want to talk about what just happened??" Because I definitely think we should-
"My character just got away from me, that's all. I got too into it... I apologise." Yeah, he says that, but he still isn't looking me in the eye. Everywhere but my eye, actually. And an idea occurs to me that makes my heart start to beat louder, in my ears. Carefully, I reach up, and lay one hand on his shoulder while the other curls up into his hair.
I literally feel his body relax more, under my touch. A sigh escapes him, that I'm sure he would've preferred me not hear. So he looks stony, again.
Letting go of my bottom lip, as I had nervously been chewing it, my gaze flickers up to his face. "Um, would it help, if... my character, were to, 'forgive', you?" Still against his better judgement I'm sure, Harper perks up, at my suggestion. I set him with a focused, serious look. "Because she does. She knows that you have to touch other girls and its not because you want to, and in fact it has nothing to do with her. Me."
"... yeah?"
I nod. "Yes." Giving him a smile, I start to take my hand away from him and step away. "So don't fret! We're okay. Still engaged, and in 'love'- "
Suddenly, before I can get away completely, Harper grabs my hand again and tugs me back- and further, to his lips, where he presses a passionate kiss. A moan is torn out of me immediately and my eyes quickly fall shut, reciprocating before I can think better of it.
This happens a lot, now; The kissing. It helps us get into character, I suppose. Makes us feel like two people who are actually in love, rather then Y/N and Harper who just pretend to be. And it feels really, really good.
He pulls back not even an inches worth of space for a moment, solely for air, and my eyes crack open a tiny bit; Enough to see him gulping down air so he can come back. "Harper... "
He presses right back quickly, guiding me forward back into the wall behind me. Wood digs into my spine but I cant bring myself to care, too wrapped up in the body of the man kissing the hell out of me and my endeavour to taste him back, and maybe gouge a moan or two from him. Because I want to hear it. I don't know why, but I need to. I feel like all I ever see from him is spite and crankiness and I need to know he has more, for me. Especially, for me.
Tugging gently on some of his hair seems to win me what I wanted, as I swallow the vibrations of his groans. Then I slowly pull back, my heels finding the ground again and opening my eyes delicately, and look up at him as he sighs; Understanding that its over as he still leans over me.
Tilting my head, breathing slowly in order to return to former breathing patterns, I catch his gaze. "... Feeling better?" My voice is low, talking carefully as I look up at him from beneath my eyelids.
"... almost."
"Hm?" What else can I do? I'm just wondering what else it could possibly be that he, or his character, wants from me when to my surprise Harper slips down to one knee before me. My eyes widen slightly, looking down at him and wondering what he is doing. "Harp? Your knee hurt?"
He takes my hand in his and, not looking me in the eye as my heart starts to beat unbelievably louder- the sound reverberating hot in my ears. "I just figured, that, our engagement is missin' something."
Oh... Harper takes his mothers ring back out of his pocket, and slips it back onto my fourth finger; Where it now lives. "Y/N L/N, we've known eachother a long time now, basically our whole lives... unfortunately, I think I've only just cracked the surface of what their is to know when it comes to you... and I'd sure like to spend the rest of my life trying to learn the rest."
"Aw... Now, I kinda regret that we didn't do this in front of people. You did that really, well. And telling me my last name! Nice touch." I tell him, because its true, but adding a little joke because I have to as I slip my hand out of his grasp and examine the ring back in its place. My ring.
It really is pretty.
"I ain't done." My eyes snap back to Harper's and my cheeks heat up even more then they had been already, and close my mouth quick.
"Oh."
Flashing a little smile that looks so good on him, he tilts his head. I nearly forget that this is fake. "Will you marry me?"
Breath hitching, because that is the softest, least disapproving-of-me thing he has ever said and it makes my stomach drop- In a good way. But I hope that he does not see how mushy he's made me- because that might complicate things.
He might think I'm falling for him... And I'm not...
I try to keep it out of my voice as I respond, even as a gentle smile warms onto my face. "Yes, Harper Alexander... I will marry you. Now get back up here."
He smirks and gets up, and I lean up to press a quality kiss to his lips, in thank you. When I pull back, he picks up my left hand in his and I catch a serious and forlorn look cross his face as he looks at the ring. His voice is quiet but firm when he speaks. "... I don't want you ever taking this ring off, again. I didn't care for that, at all."
"Well it was just for show... "
His jaw clenches. "I know."
"Hey- " I grab his arm, pulling him gently but abruptly from whatever angry place he was disappearing back into, and flash him a comforting grin. "How about we don't go back to the bar. We can just go back to my house, and avoid the headache. Alright?"
"I'd like that." He grins, a lovely grin that we very rarely see on on him anymore unless he's faking it, a hand hovering over the small of my back as we turn and start heading off to my house.
#Harper Alexander x Reader#Harper Alexander#2001 Maniacs x Reader#Harper Alexander x Reader Oneshot#Part 2#Harper Alexander Oneshot#Harper Alexander x Reader Part 2#Harper Alexander x Reader Oneshot Part 2#The Fake Love Of My Life Part 2
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are gay people real
in short:
South Park Elementary School Cafeteria, day. The kids are seated for lunch. At the center table are Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Token, Clyde and Craig. Cartman runs in from the hallwayCartmanFELLAS! Fellas!StanWhat?CartmanYou'll never guess what happened. Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson!KyleButters? [He and Stan look puzzled] Why?CartmanIt was crazy! Scott was just talking about how he needed to take his insulin shot, and out of nowhere Butters said he's sick of people with diabetes feeling sorry for themselves. Scott told Butters to shut up and Butters just started whaling on him!StanYou're talking about Butters.CartmanDude, I'm telling you! Butters beat the crap out of Scott, and then he locked himself in the bathroom! [The other boys get concerned and leave their tables to go to the restroom]The restroom around the corner from the cafeteria. Jimmy has joined the boys. Stan bangs on the doorStanButters?ButtersLeave me alone!StanButters, come out here.ButtersGet out of here, all of ya! [Stan turns to the other boys and shrugs]KyleButters, people can't just go around beating up people who have diabetes! Now whatever your problem is, you just-Butters[Runs out of the restroom up to Kyle and points at him] You just think you know everything, don't you Kyle?! Every little thing you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well you don't know everything because [walks to Stan and points him out] your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about HIS image! [runs back inside the boys room, then turns around and runs to Cartman] You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school? You're all fake and stuck up [moves over to Jimmy], and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that his jokes aren't funny! [moves over to Kenny] The only kid here with any sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have your heads up your butts! [Runs back into the restroom and locks himself in. The other boys are stunned and silent]CartmanWell. Apparently Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny? [Kenny flashes an angry look]Butters[Runs out of the restroom again and storms up to Cartman] And that's another thing! You're always trivializing everything I say by gettin' the last word! [Cartman looks stunned]Well you're not gettin' the last word this time! [Runs back into the boys restroom and locks himself in]Cartman...Wow.Butters[Opens the door and peeks out] Double wow! [Closes the door and locks it]The principal's office, Day. Principal Victoria is talking to Butters and his parents.Principal VictoriaI'm sorry, but your son is distracting the other students and his attitude is just getting worse.StephenButters, what on earth has gotten into you?!Butters[In a gruff voice] I don't know, Dad, ah I was just pissed off, I guess!LindaDo you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?!ButtersI don't suppose it is, but I don't give a darn!StephenDo you have any idea how grounded you are about to be, mister?!ButtersWhy don't you shut up, Dad, and stick it in your ear, for cryin' out loud! [Both parents look taken aback as a moment of silence follows]Linda[looks at Stephen] Stephen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?StephenYes. Our little Butters is flowering. He has reached the age of panua.Principal VictoriaEh-excuse me?StephenPrincipal Victoria, this isn't Butters' fault.ButtersIt's not?!StephenIt has to do with... biology. [turns right and walks off a bit] You've... maybe noticed that Butters isn't... exactly like other kids.ButtersYeah?StephenYou probably think Butters seems somehow... different.Butters[normal voice] Hey yeah, all the time.StephenIt's because he is. [Turns around and faces Principal Victoria] His mother and I... his whole family were... we're not of this place.Principal VictoriaAh I'm sorry, I really don't understand.StephenPlease, just try to understand that for our people it's a very private matter. He can't be helped by your discipline; this must be dealt with by his own kind. If it's all right with you, we'd like an extended leave for our boy. Please. It's a cultural thing.The Stotch house, day. Stephen and Linda argue as Butters sits on the couchLindaI don't want him to go, Stephen, he's too young!StephenIt's our people's way, Linda, you know that better than I do!LindaThen we can go with him.StephenYou know that's not allowed!ButtersWill somebody tell me what the frickity fookshmere is goin' on?!StephenButters, you've reached the age where you must journey to your birthplace for the ceremony of hapa noa.ButtersUhbu-but I'm from here.StephenNo. We moved here just before you started pre-school. You were born in our native land, Butters. [Walks to a bookshelf and grabs a scrapbook] A distant and very secluded island world called... Hava'i.ButtersWe're from Hawaii?Stephen[Sits on the sofa next to Butters. Linda sits to his left] Only haoles pronounce it Hawaii, Butters, but those of us from Hava'i are a very special people. We have many customs and traditions to keep our culture alive. [Opens the book and points some pictures out to him] We drink chi-chi's from the coconut. We eat poke that the Safeway provides. And when we've chosen a mate, we marry at the fern grotto, as your mother and I did so... very long ago. As a Stotch, Butters, you are actually Hawaiian royalty. Your grandma and grandpa were there at the time of the King. [Flips backwards a few pages and shows him a picture of Elvis Presley playing a ukulele with a picture of Diamondhead in the background.]ButtersBut what does being Hawaiian have to do with me acting like an emo chick on her period?StephenNot an emo chick on her period, Butters. Like a salmon needing to swim back upriver. All Hawaiians feel it. It is called "hapahui apahoha", and it means it's now your time to make your trip to our island home. You must do your walkabout to your homeland, Butters. And you must do it alone. [Linda stands up and starts crying. Stephen stands up and takes out his wallet] Take this, son. It is our Mahalo Rewards card. It will provide you with all you need. And now I must turn my back on you. [He turns his back to Butters. Linda weeps silently. Butters is speechless]The neighborhood park, day. The boys from the table are playing basketball, and Jimmy joins in. Kenny tosses the basketball at Kyle, who makes a shot, and Cartman runs up to them from the sidewalk. Stan catches the ballCartmanHoly shit balls! Holy shit balls! Guess what, you guys? Holy shit balls. [The other boys gather around him]KyleWhat?CartmanButters just got on a bus with his backpack and said he's going to Hawaii.StanHawaii?CartmanHe said he had to go back to his homeland, and then told me it was none of my business and to keep my fat mouth shut.KyleDude, what the hell? Somebody's gotta stop him.Stan[Turns to the basket] After all the things he said to us, he can go ahead. [Makes a shot at close range]KyleKenny, you're clearly his best friend. Go stop him.Kenny(I'm not his best friend.)CartmanYeah, Mr. Perfect, go rescue Butters so he can lick your balls some more. [Kenny sighs and walks away with his head down.]The airport, day. Kenny arrives and walks into the Alpha Air terminal. He sees Butters seated on a seat in an empty row, with two suitcases at his feet. He's sobbing. Kenny walks overKenny(Butters, come on.)ButtersThey won't let me on the plane. Why, I can't do anything right! [Kenny takes one suitcase and Butters' right hand, Butters takes the other suitcase, and they walk. Suddenly Butters stops and pulls his hand away] No, no! I have to go to Hawaii, Kenny! I have no idea what's waiting there for me, but I guh, I can't go on like this! [Kenny sighs, then takes Butters to the teller]Kenny(Excuse me, he needs to go to Hawaii.)TellerI already told him, I can't allow anyone on the aircraft who appears to be intoxicated.ButtersI'm not intoxicated, you skank! I'm just "deligerent" because of my hapanuanalua!Kenny(Please, could you just let him on the plane? It's really important. Please?)TellerTell you what: there's plenty of points on his Mahalo Rewards card. If you wanna fly with him, I can let him go.Kenny(Me?)ButtersCan't you see I'm in horrible pain?! Do you have any idea what-?!Kenny[Puts his hand over Butters mouth to shut him up] (Okay, okay! I'll go.) [Scene cuts to the plane flying towards Hawaii]Lihu'e Airport, Kaua'i, Runway B-5. The plane lands and Butters and Kenny enter the terminal. Butters has picked up his bagsButters[Slowly, as he looks around] Well, we're here, now what do I do? [Kenny points to the information officer nearby, and they walk to him]OfficerCan I help you with anything?ButtersUh yeah, I uh, I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go?OfficerOkay, were you with a cruise ship or land tour group?ButtersOh, ah, I'm not a tourist. I'm a native Hawaiian. [The officer just looks at him. A group of Americans approaches him]Blond ManButters Stotch?ButtersYeah?Blond ManWelcome home, young keiki. Your parents said you would be coming for your ceremony. [Notices Kenny] Ah- uh, who's this?ButtersOh thi-this is my friend, Kenny.Older WomanButters, native Hawaiians don't really approve of haoles coming to their ceremonies.ButtersOh please, i-if it weren't for him I couldn't have come.Blond ManVery well, we shall speak with the chief of our island and see. Come now. [Everyone leaves]En route to the chief, day. They go down the road, all packed into an SUV.ButtersYou folks are all native Hawaiians too?Older Man[Driving] Yes. My wife Patty and I have been coming to Kaua'i for almost five years, and Bill and Donna actually own a time share in Poipu.DonnaYes, but Poipu is getting pretty overrun with tourists, I'm afraid.Blond Man[Leans to the right, behind the older man] Let us eat.Older ManOh yea, let us eat. [They stop at Kuwahara Saimin's drive-through] Aloha, five order of saimin, please.ButtersWhat's "saimin"?PattyIt's one of the foods of our people.Older ManOh, I get 20% off, I'm a native. Here's my Mahalo Rewards card. [The cashier notes the card and takes the cash, the older man takes the food, and they're off.] Mahalo. [They soon find themselves behind a slow car with the passenger taking pictures of the scenery. The older man honks.] Come on, you frickin' tourist! Jesus, buy a post card! [Stops and points out a building] These are the ancient ruins of our ancestors. [It's the Coco Palms, long abandoned.] They say the spirit of the king is still in there.Blond ManYou must stay away from this place. It is kapu.Brunet ManKapu. that means "taboo", [points to Kenny] especially to haoles! [they drive off]Older ManUh that there is Bubba's Burgers. [Scene shows Bubba's Burgers] In Havai'i us natives say "Bubba's Bruk". [they pass by a big hotel] Here's the Sheraton, just another megahotel for the throngs of tourists. Here's where many of us natives live. The Sheraton Residences. [A gated community is shown. The Older Man flashes his Mahalo Rewards card to the guard] It's all right, we're natives. [The guard opens the gate and lets them in. They arrive at the chief's residence and step out to talk to him] Protector and Chief, I present to you the keiki, Butters Stotch.ChiefAh, Stephen and Linda's child. Last time I saw you, you were the size of a coconut. Who's the haole?Kenny's room at the Residences, night. He sits by the open window with a lit candle, a pencil and a sheet of paper. He begins to write.KennyMy dearest friends,:I am living amongst the natives in the remote and tiny island of Kava'i. What can I tell you of this mysterious island and its people? It is a place of wonder, and yet to the outsider like me, a place of odd tradition. The people here are peaceful and joyous, and seem to care little for the rush and worry of the outside world. Their diet is mostly an odd mixture of coconut milk, pineapple juice, and vodka, which they call the chi-chi. As for Butters, he is quickly learning the ways of his ancestors, and seems to be feeling better with every passing day. He still seems quite angry at times, but luckily his ceremony will finally take place on the morrow.As he writes, the following scenes are shown: First, the Safeway supermarket. The people greet each other with a fist, with pinky and thumb extended. Next, three kids are playing in a pool while Donna enjoys her chi-chi and the older couple sit on chaise longues in the background. Next, Kenny is at the bar order a chi-chi. Next, Butters learns how to play bocce ball. Next, Stan reads the letter to Cartman and KyleStan[reading the letter] "On the morrow"? What the fuck is wrong with Kenny?KennyTo wit, I have found nothing wrong with this remote place, and I must admit it will be with some melancholy that I will leave this island and return home.
I saw this chick in a bikini on the beach too. She had the nicest boobs ever. Humbly yours, Kenneth.
A luau, day. All the natives are in line for lunch before the ceremony begins. Butters stands on a platform before the chief while Kenny watches onChiefIn the time-honored traditions of our ancestors, we honor the native Hawaiian Butters Stotch with his hapa noa. [everyone cheers and and woman slips a necklace onto his neck] The shark-tooth necklace represents your connection to our island. [a horn blower comes in with a conch shell and blows into it... badly] Now drink the chi-chi! [Patty walks over with a glass of it and gives it to Butters, who begins to drink it through a straw.]Butters[turns right and coughs, then] Whoa, it's like gasoline!ChiefDrink, young keiki, and you will feel the last of your aggression melt away.Butters[Finishes the rest of the drink, then stumbles just a little bit and smiles] Hey, uh now I do feel butter, uh better.ChiefO spirits of ancestors, we ask that you bless this native Hawaiian with his hapa noa! We ask that you-Blond Man[runs in] Listen! [climbs onto a table] Listen everyone! I have terrible, horrible news!ChiefDo you realize that you are interrupting a hapa noa?Blond ManI've just come from the front office! The Mahalo Rewards card is... [chokes]ChiefWhat?! What has happened? Speak!Blond ManThe Mahalo Rewards card is being eliminated! They're trying to say our points are... are... no longer going to be accepted.Chief[Rises from his chair and walks to his left] I knew one day it would come to this.PattyTo what? What does this mean?ChiefThe haoles are trying to do away with us.Resident 1With no rewards program, there will be no distinction between who's a native to this island and who isn't!Resident 2Why can't you people respect our island? Why do you always want nore?!ChiefI'm sorry keiki, your hapa noa will have to wait! For we must unite together as never before! It is time to show the haoles that this is our island! [this draws cheers from everyone]A seaside golf course, day. A cruise ship is some distance from the shore when it blows its horn. A group of natives stand by their golf ballsChief[Yelling at the ship] Stop ruining our island, haoles! FIRE! [The natives fire away into the ocean. Some of the golf balls land in the water, some of them reach the ship]First MateWhat are they doing? [The passengers are being pelted with golf balls.]Chief[Walks over to Butters and gives him a club] Take a swing! Let them know they are not welcome!ButtersI've never done this before. [Gets into position]ChiefIt's all right. Just try to tap into that anger that's inside you.ButtersAim... my anger! Stupid [Swings successfully] Ben Affleck! [The golf ball sails through the air and enters the bridge, smashing through the window and the captain's binoculars. The first mate shrieks] Waaah! [The captain stumbles onto a controller and breaks it with sheer momentum. The ship begins to pitch back and sink. Passengers begin to tumble towards the water. Butters is dumbfounded. The ship breaks in two]ManHold on! [The golf club just falls out of Butters' left hand] Hold on!WomanOh I can't! I can't! I can't hold on!ManI love you! I love you!WomanNo! I love you! I love you back! [The ship vanishes below the water]Breaking NewsAnnouncerThis is breaking news!AnchorAn insurrection in the Hawaiian Islands has escalated to war! After sinking a cruise ship, the natives of Kauai continue to go berserk, forcing all tourists off their island.Man 1They just pushed us onto airplanes and said we weren't welcome anymore!Woman 1Then a little boy called me a skank.Anchor[A picture of Barack Obama appears over his shoulder] The President says he will send the Coast Guard to take the island back, though he sympathizes, being a native Hawaiian himself. [Thinks about it for a second] Hm.The ceremonial plaza, day.ChiefAre all the tourists gone from our island?Resident 3All but a few who are hiding out at Duke's Restaurant. We sent Bob and Trisha Turner to smoke them out.Resident 4What about him?Kenny(What about me?)Resident 4He's a tourist and he knows everything! We have to kill him!Butters[Jumps in front of Kenny to shield him] No! Kenny's my friend! He's the only kid at school I actually like, you buncha jerks!ChiefBe careful young keiki, your anger still controls you because we were not able to finish the ceremony. Perhaps we should finish it now.Resident 4Finish his ceremony?! We are at war, David! I have lived on this island for ten years. Ten years! Every July and part of August! And I can tell you all that what we are about to face from the haoles is nothing short of genocide!Resident 5He's right, David. We can't trust any tourists.ButtersHe won't betray us! Will you, Kenny?!Kenny(No, I'm not going to fucking betray anybody!)Resident 6Then let him prove himself! Trial by opahika'a!Chief DavidHe's only a child!Resident 4If he wants to be one of us, then he must face the challenge!Chief DavidVery well. [The horn blower, Resident 5, returns to blow the conch shell]On the bank of a river flowing by the Residences, day. David and Butters are there with the rest of the residents in the background, and Kenny is...Blond ManThis isn't right! He's not a native! He's gonna get killed!ButtersKenny, be careful!Chief DavidQuiet. He must face this challenge alone. [Kenny is on a surfboard on the river using a small paddle to get somewhere]Resident 1By the gods! Perhaps he has the heart of a native after all!Resident 4He still has yet to make the turn! [Kenny reaches a buoy in the middle of the river and paddles around it, then makes his way back to the riverbank.]ResidentsHohhh!Resident 7[A little tipsy from his drink] That's pretty good. [Kenny slows down, then loses his balance and falls into the river]Kenny(Whoops!)ButtersKenny!ResidentsAwwwww. [A second later they all turn away and leave. Butters stays at the riverbank.]Resident 4[To another Resident] I told you a haole couldn't do it!Chief DavidDid you make the turn your first try? Did any of us? [Kenny pops up behind them and floats down the river]Resident 8[A woman, walks up to Butters] Don't worry, Butters, your friend will find a way back to his kind. The gods will protect him. [She extends her left hand and guides him away]Kenny looks downriver and sees a waterfall. He panics and quickly dog paddles away from it, but the current overwhelms him and he goes over. He bumps into several rocks, each bigger than the last, on his way down, head firstSmith's Tropical Paradise, day. David has assembled the residents into this building and now talks to themChief DavidWe have called for this great meeting because if we are to survive this war, all the native Hawaiian tribes must join as one!Resident 9We're not joining the people of the Hyatt Grand Vacations! They have no rights to call themselves natives!Vacationer 1Oh and you do?! Your ancestors came on an airplane six months ago! Our ancestors sailed here! On a cruise ship! Nine months ago!Chief DavidLook, if we are to fight the haoles, we have to allow all natives to stay!CanyonerIt doesn't matter how many tribes we have, we can't win! We are but a few against the haole's military might! We may have passion, but passion does not win wars!Chief DavidOh no? Come up here, keiki. Come on. [Butters gets on stage with David] This child sunk a cruise ship by himself! Tell them keiki. [Hands the mic to Butters]ButtersWell I don't know about the rest of ya, but I'm sick and tired of bein' pushed around all the time! I came all the way down here for my hapa noa ceremony, and I can't even have it, 'cause the fucking haoles have to ruin everything!Resident 9Yeah!Vacationer 1Screw them!ButtersWell if you ask me, the only good haole is a dead haole! With a, with a stick up his butthole, and his wiener cut off! Rraahhhh!Chief DavidLet us make a pact with more chi-chis!Resident 10[goes to serve himself some more chi-chi from the barrels, but finds there isn't any] Um, we're... we're out of chi-chis.Resident 11Oh, right, we've closed off all the ports.Resident 12But they're still letting vodka through, right? Uh... they can't cut off our chi-chis.Chief David...Oh my God.Downriver, day. Kenny crawls onto the riverbank, coughs, and looks up. He's across the road from Coco Palms. He stands up and walks towards it. He looks around and heads in, but first waits for a bunch of bats to fly out of the cavernous entrance. Meanwhile, offshore, the U.S. Coast Guard shows up in force to deal with the nativesCaptainThis is the U.S. Coast Guard! We have instructions to take you by force, if necessary!Chief David[heading up a large group of natives] Ready? Fire! [the natives fire off their golf balls, but none of them have any effect on the Coast Guard]Captain[Lowers his binoculars, then flatly] Fire. [The ships' guns fire away and decimate many of the natives]Chief DavidArm the bocce balls! [Surviving natives arm bocce balls into slingshots stretched between palm trees. One of them lands on the main ship with a heavy thud]CaptainGod damn it.Chief DavidKeep fighting! Stand your ground!Resident 4We can't fight without chi-chis!Chief DavidYou can and you MUST!Butters[He has six golf balls in front of him and he hits each one towards the Coast Guard] Stupid! Greedy! Haoles! Kill! Them! All!Kenny walks through the Coco Palms, which is dark and spooky. A voice is soon heard, and Kenny stops in his tracks. He turns and runs away, but steps onto a patch covering a hole on the floor and falls in. He recovers and looks up to see the shining ghost of Elvis Presley. He beckons Kenny to follow him, mumbling just like Kenny does.The KingCome on, come on. [Mumbles a few more things as they walk towards a door. Elvis stops and pulls a lever, and a wall rises to reveal loads of absolute vodka, pineapple juice, coconut milk, and macadamia nut liqueur, all the ingredients needed for chi-chis. Elvis walks up to the doorway and motions to Kenny] You know what chi-chis are, right?The Residences, day, on the ceremonial plaza, Chief David admits defeatChief DavidListen everyone, we gave it all we had. It's over. We must go down to Nowiliwili Harbor, and surrender to the American government.Butters[Runs onto the plaza] Surrender?! No, the heck with that!Resident 4We can't hold out here any longer!ButtersWell I won't do it, you hear me?! I'm not licking anybody's... testes!Chief DavidYoung keiki, try to control your anger.ButtersNo! This is our home! And I'm sick of everyone who thinks they're better than me just 'cause they've got good looks, and just 'cause, even after massacring Daredevil, they happen to come back and hit a home run that everyone likes! You shouldn't be able to be good-looking and be with Jennifer Lopez and be a good director! [Turns around and walks away] All right all right fine! Argo is a good movie! There, I admitted it! I told people that it didn't hold up, but it holds up god darn it! Ben Affleck has everything, GRAGH!Resident 13Everyone! Look, I say! [Everyone comes to see, and it's Kenny coming back with a raft full of absolute vodka, pineapple juice, coconut milk, and macadamia nut liqueur. Everyone cheers him on]Resident 14The haole did it!KennyMy dear friends of the mainland,:What adventures I have found on the tiny island of Kava'i. I have truly become one with the natives, who found new courage to fight their oppressors.Chief DavidWe are not surrendering today! Go back and tell your leaders that we will fight them until the end! [Everyone cheers]CaptainYou people just don't give up, do ya?KennyThe American government finally gave in to the natives and had the Mahalo Rewards cards reinstated. Our two cultures, it appears, will once again live in peace.Everyone cheers, even the Coast Guard captainKennyWith the war at an end, our Butters is able to have his hapa noa ceremony. And with any help from the gods, become his old cheery self again.The hapa noa ceremony, day. Butters will finally become a full-fledged member of his tribeChief DavidAnd so it is with great honor that we recognize these two natives with their hapa noa. Take your cards, boys. [Two women come up and give them their cards] Apuiloa hapnanoaha! Hapa'a'a hohaaa! [Resident 5 returns to blow the conch shell a third time.] It's finally over, young keiki. Is your anger at rest?Butters[He thinks for a moment] Yeah, I guess so. Except it still doesn't change the fact that Ben Affleck gets to be handsome, talented, and then gets to go home and kiss Jennifer Lopez.Resident 15Ben Affleck isn't with Jennifer Lopez anymore, he's married to Jennifer Gardner.ResidentsYeah, it's true, uh huh.ButtersWhat? Really? But I thought I was totally jealous of him. He's just married to Jennifer Gardner? Oh my God, I feel so much better. [smiles with relief]Kenny(You do?)ButtersYeah, ogh, I like that Ben Affleck guy. He's a good filmmaker. Come on, Kenny, I guess I owe the kids at school an apology. [He and Kenny walk off into the sunset] Did you see Argo, Kenny? It's a pretty good movie. Ben Affleck has a lot goin' for him. Not everything, but a lot. Whoopie!
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