#cause my friends really can't deal with this stuff I vent a lot to them I'm open about my issues but I don't ever want them to bear the

[sparklywatercolors]

alright, this might be a doozy so hear me out.So my partner is staying with my family and I until March.My friends know this and pretty much all of them are friends with him. They all get along pretty well. My best friend adores him. Like she gets excited when he asks her to hang out with us.Anyways.So usually I just hang out with my 3 girlies. All of them start of them with A so I can't use initials so I'll use emojis.🐯 Is my best friend (the one mentioned previously)🦔 Is our other friend she's really chill and basically just always busy cooking and dealing with her many chaotic students And finally there's 🐱 this one is very intense and the one I'm having a bit of an issue with.So the first time my partner and I had everyone together we were all getting ramen together. It was going well until 🐱 coerced 🐯 into trying a heavy edible at my house and it made 🐯 get sick and have a panic attack. 🦔 And my partner were comforting 🐯 in the living room while I was keeping 🐱 away from her cause she was stoned as fuck and was pissed that 🐯 wanted to watch some very chaotic dork she likes watching for her calm down. 🐯 Is okay by the way. She still feels guilty but we've been assuring her it's not her fault.And then the second time we all hang out 🐯 can't make it bc stuff but tells us to have a good time. It was going well until we were all hanging out in the food court, splitting a pretzel cup and then 🐱 basically tells us she was stealing while we were all together and 🦔 called her out on it. Look none of us don't give a shit abt it but don't drag us into that. And it got brushed aside because 🐱 had to rant about her 4-Chan friend group. Who she doesn't like but she cries when they hang out?? 😭 I accidentally butt dialed one of my friends during this and it ended up causing SO MUCH DRAMA 🗿. Because that's when 🐱 demanded we go home despite saying we can all go out to dinner after the 4 chan rant. And on the drive home, me and partner were scared to even speak to each other on the ride home with 🐱. And a few weeks later, 🐱 calls me up. Her family member had suddenly passed. Which is horrifying. I'm so sorry oh my god. And my partner overheard and he said his condolences. And 🐱 got mad and hung up and then didn't speak to me for a week. When she did, she told me that I should know no response is a response and that I was wrong for letting my partner offer condolences and that it was immature for him to butt in, and this is why she isn't friends with 21 year olds. (Note: she's 28, my partner is 22, 🐯 and I are 25 and 🦔 is 26). Which is hypocritical of her because she's friends with our mutual friend who is 21. Not the point. And then she takes my partner and I out to sushi. And she was ranting about her job. She works with disabled or mentally ill kids as a teacher's aid. And her one kid has a lot of issues. 🐱 Was venting about her and called her a c*nt because she was self harming and her schizophrenia was acting up. We were appalled. How can you call a 13 year old little girl that? Especially a little girl with issues like that. My partner was disgusted for the little girl and also the fact that his little sister is also 13. Luckily 🐱 got removed from working with that little girl but that's still horrible. :( Last weekend 🐱 called and we caught up and she told me she wishes she never ranted to my partner about her work cause he didn't seem like he was listening? He was listening he was just angry?? Which I was too. I was boiling internally. I work with middle schoolers when I tutor, those kids have enough on their plates how can you call them that wtf.

#P1 #Personal #There is a part 2 #I hit the post limit #Vent

[clownpuppetz]

!!! This is gonna be a rant/vent !!!

Being asexual and sex repulsed is genuinely so fucking frustrating to deal with because with me personally I have days where I can't STAND seeing, talking about, or even joking around about anything remotely sexual because it disgusts me beyond anything and I have other days where I can joke around about it normally. And the reason this is so frustrating is the fact that sexual jokes are a big part of a lot of my friends humor and whenever I'm having a really repulsed day I don't want to just take it out on them and make them stop joking about it because there's no way they could've known. I don't want people walking around eggshells on me but I just get so bad on the days where I can't stand talking about anything even slightly sexual even if it's a joke or not. So it's so conflicting and confusing because sometimes I just feel so terrible that I can't relate to my friends and it feels like they just have one big inside joke all the time that I just can't understand or be a part of because I'm asexual. It causes me to be more distant and sometimes even possibly rude because I just don't understand their humor half of the time. And sometimes I feel as if they hate me BECAUSE I'm so different from them but I don't even know how to bring something like this up. I don't want to have to make some PSA every time I'm uncomfortable or comfortable with sexual talk, but at the same time it just causes me to not want to talk at all. And I don't fault them for having humor based on sexual stuff, that's obviously not something I can change nor am I mad at them for it, it's just the fact that it's so difficult for me to understand but I don't want to sound mean about it by trying to explain that to them.

#rant post #personal rant #asexual

[system-of-a-feather]

Vent-ish, Advice Welcome

But man, being in a relationship with someone who has empathy (possibly hyperempathy) as someone who has almost as low affective empathy as you can get is fucking hard man. Even with good communication and awareness of how one another are in regards to empathy talk, theres just shit that comes with being hyperempathetic and no-empathy that just inherently are hard to match as the opposing polar

Cause when hes bad, he would really like someone who can have and understand that - at least - affective empathy mindset and approach and that is NOT a bad thing about him, nor is it an ableist thing or anything, its fair to want and feel the need for something like that as long as its not taken out or judged as an intentional trait. It's a compatibility and communication issues that, ideally, could be handled by asking exactly what he would like me to say and how he would rather I approach it and just general what he needs from me in those moments - but in practice, he just does not really have that self knowledge and awareness to tell me what he specifically means and needs when he mentions that and so its just left off with a "this is not what I need / want" without any actual productive or constructive criticism

Which I TOTALLY understand and I'm not mad about cause I get it, I get how it is, but much like its fair that he wishes I could provide that, it is fair that I am frustrated that I can't be given more instruction on how to help provide him with what he needs.

And honestly - if I'm being real - I'm getting really frustrated and tired from this at work, but being autistic in a not-autistic environment, being low-empathy in an empathetic world is just EXAUSTING cause there is jsut so much people EXPECT you to just, infer and know about how theyd like to be interacted with and what they 'actually mean' and tend to perceive it as an intentional and personal decision rather than them just not really making their communication clear to those that aren't to the neurotypical standard.

Its just ughhh can someone write a universal manual for the empathy-intact non-autistic mind that universally answers how to navigate every communication situation with them for autistic people (/hj) cause ughhhh I'd LOVE to meet you at your language and communication style and meet your requests for how you would like to be approached in situations but I can't do that without you knowing what you need ughhhhh

I've asked some of my empathy-intact non-autistic friends how to deal with stuff like this and there are thigns like "just listen" and "acknowledge the struggle without giving advice" and what not and sometimes that works and helps but a lot of the time its just like that too comes off as an incorrect dating sim selection and I'm just like ughhhhhh

Why do I keep getting this symbol above heads

Or even worse

#alter: riku #vent #vent tw #advice welcome #no empathy #autism #autistic #actually autistic

[the-trans-advice-blog]

Long Vent, apologies in advance (feel free to ignore this):

I'm a bit worried about whether I can transition (legally and medically) cause I live in south africa and I'm just scared the seemingly lack of formalized trans healthcare is gonna fuck stuff up for me, doesn't really help that I everyone I know and know of irl is cis, every single person besides me is cis. And my non-transphobic parents still don't believe that I'm not their little girl even after being out to them for about 2 years. And they're the most liberal family members i have, the rest are extremely conservative and transphobic. And I'm just fucking scared. For fucks sake I don't even have the guarantee of hearing or reading my name anywhere each day. Like atleast I've got a few friends who are extremely supportive of me (one of them continuesly telling me that she does not understand why anyone ever thinks I'm a girl cause I already pass as a cis guy lol) and it fucking sucks that my school is a conservative Christian school (not like america public schools can be religious here) where I was the second "girl" to have a short haircut in the entire school and it's a massive fucking school. Counting me atleast there's 4 people who have short "boy" hair and have to wear the girls' uniform. On that topic I fucking hate that I can't be out to teachers, the teachers regularly make horribly transohobic comments without being prompted to or even knowing about the one half-out trans kid (me). Like i hear shit like teachers saying they believe trans people are truly sick in the head and that they want kids to out their trans friends (luckily my friends are nice enough not to do that) and I hate the girl's uniform I gotta wear and I hate it all and I've still gotta deal with high school for 2 and ¾ years. And idk my mental health has been really bad lately and this all doesn't help, and i love being trans, I just want to atleast be tolerated for it amd have a bit more stable future planned in terms of transition. And I want my parents to fucking be able to help with that, they're wonderful parents otherwise sonjwnush I could just rely on them a little for some of this shit.

idk I'm just scared and tired and dysphoric and I feel very very alone

(On another note, I appreciate your blog a lot, you're cool)

I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this. Obviously there’s nothing I can say to make it magically better but I hope you do know there’s a huge community out there who’s happy to support you in whatever ways we can. I’m not sure how safe online spaces are for you if your family is conservative but you’ll always have a safe space here to talk about whatever you need to. I hope one day you can get out if you want to, or that something’s changes in the area you’re in. High school is the worst, especially being trans, but I know that you can get through it! I’m really happy you have some supportive friends, and if I were you I’d maybe try to make some online ones if you haven’t already just because it seems like the people around you won’t be very safe.

I wish you luck on your journey and I really hope things get better for you.

#marshal answers

[your-queer-dad]

(Vent sorry, not about queerness I just have nowhere else to say this where I'll get any sort of response)

Ive been having to deal with so much stuff lately. Like I was fine when I was in the midst of severe depression cause I didn't think I'd live very long anyways but now I need to come to terms with everything I've been ignoring for at least a year and at most my whole life. Like I'm AuDHD in a decently ableist family (middle/working class white cishet moderate leftists who think they're very progressive, you know the type) and I've had absolutely shit experiences with the people who should be helping me with that stuff (my old therapist was actively uneducated and ableist, my psychiatrist was a white cishet man in his 60s or 70s and I had to teach him what masking is and how adhd and autism present in AFAB people) which makes that really difficult in general because all my friends know I have AuDHD but I can't officially come out and say that I do because my family will deny it and tell me I'm being attention seeking and looking for excuses for being lazy and a flawed person. I also don't physically look the way I've been convincing myself I look naturally for a long time (yay anorexia recovery) and it's just messing me up a lot because when I look at my reflection I just feel visceral disgust. I'm still on the lower end of a healthy weight, but I can only see a few of my ribs now and my stomach isn't flat anymore. Everyone else says they can't notice but I feel like I've lost everything that made me good, and I'm scared that gaining weight is going to stop me from passing. I hate being with my parents and I just feel like I'm a horrible person for that, I only got hit once and other than that they're just toxic and sort of manipulative/emotionally abusive. They try their best they just can't raise me right and I feel like shit for that. I wish I could be spending more time outside, but I had a medical emergency thing on Tuesday (my mom doesn't let me call it a seizure because we don't know for sure) and I'm scared that that's going to happen again, and my constant joint pain has just gotten worse. My friends are telling me that I need to talk to a doctor about this, but the wait time for rheumatology is insane and my parents thing I'm making it up/exaggerating/looking for attention and even if they believe me they don't think it's important and worth getting help for. I'm scared that I'm going to die, last time it happened my entire body went numb and stiff and I couldn't move and I was just twitching for like 15 minutes. I also completely lost my vision before this happened, and it was greyscale/coming back slowly for the entire thing, plus I could barely hear anything. If that happens again I genuinely think that I might die. I also have scars all over my legs and chest and I have to either hide them or find some sort of explanation for them that won't make the people I work with during the summer think I'm not suited for working with kids (summer camp counseling). I spent all of last year thinking I was never going to turn 15 and now I kind of wish I hadn't.

I want to live but it's all so overwhelming and if I falter or let my parents see that I'm scared, they'll force me into the role of a small child and start treating me like a toddler or an animal like they always do. I just don't know what to do and I know it's horrible and selfish and disgusting but I just wish my mom would die. I can't live like this, it's only 3 more years but I'm just so scared. She keeps threatening me and saying I won't get into college or I'm failing high school because of how long I was out of school due to psych ward stuff even though she knows that not getting into college is my main fear- if that happens, I can't keep going. I know that I'm going to kill myself if I can't get into college. After that I'm still going to need to pay off student loans and I might not have my best friend with me (if I have him ill be okay and he says that he promises he'll try to live with me in college) and I just can't deal with that. I need to catch up on school and I need to learn to drive and then I need to get ready for my job in the summer and I need to make sure my grades are good enough for colleges to want me and I need to get people to like me and I just can't do it. I don't want to die but I feel like it's the only answer, I'm just not capable of doing this. I'm not supposed to be alive. I don't know what I'm supposed to do

Sorry about the rant you don't need to answer at all I know this is a lot

-🔆

Hey kiddo. Please please don't apologise for reaching out, I'm here for you and I'm always here for you, night and day my inbox and DMs are always open to anyone who needs to talk.

God, it sounds like you've had a rough deal. I understand where you're coming from. With parents, it's so hard when they don't do what they're supposed to do as parents and they don't understand you or believe you when you ask for help. It's awful and I am so sorry.

From the sounds of things, it sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself, as well as all that pressure around you. As scary as the future is, it isn't going to creep up on you one day. It's tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that and every single day after that. You have time to breathe and rest and do whatever you need to do. You can't do everything at once, you're only human- and expecting yourself to do everything at once only caused burn out and stress.

Also, as a person who's gone through eating disorder recovery- weight doesn't stop you from passing. I promise you it doesn't. It's a good thing! It's a sign that all the work you've done recovering has paid off. I'm proud of you.

Keep your head up kiddo, I'm so so proud of you. Remember to take care of yourself, let yourself breathe and don't expect yourself to do everything all at once. I'm here anytime you need to talk.

Love you,

- dad x

#finch rambles #ask a finch!

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Yeah and it's just like... I understand my mom, I really do. She's emotionally about 14 and will probably be stuck there forever. I get that not having taken care of the tea makes her feel like a fuck up. I get it

It's just hard when you can't ever say something to someone without them making it about them. It's not intentionally manipulative, but it means no one can talk to you. So I just didn't need my friend out of nowhere sticking up for my mom

(Once again, taking stabs at understanding people, I'd say my friend has been feeling bad about her relationship with her mother, and so likely was in a mindset of trying to be understanding towards mothers. Which like I can get, but also be frustrated by)

Not to mention that like... things now because I basically turn off all my emotions and forget who I'm dealing with, and as much as she annoys me she's better than she used to be and I may not like having her here but it works

But like there's a lot of history between me and my mom, and like... it's not good

Stuff like when I was around 12 I hadn't gone to soccer practice, and she comes in at like 6am to give me a long rant, and I don't remember any of it except the last thing she said was "and good luck ever getting married, because who'd ever want to marry a loser like you" (shame she was right, but still not cool to say to a kid)

So just like... I don't know... I really don't

I like the friends I've made on here, they care, but for one thing I wonder how much they actually know me or would like... various stuff about me that things they've said make me think they wouldn't like

Also though just like but they're kind of bad at it. It ranges from my friend who... I mean she recently said that if I really needed support she was here for me, but like... how do I get it. I've said verbatim "I'm doing very badly today" and she didn't even respond. She cares, but how do I get that other than just having it randomly dropped on a post about me being suicidal saying she cares?

Then my other main friend, she cares but I can't talk to her because me being upset upsets her too much. She also has a tendency to lash out when she isn't doing well, which I forgive but it makes it hard to be close. I like her, but various stuff she does just makes me put distance there

Then every other friend I have on here tends to have so much going on in their lives that I want them to put themselves first. I want things to be onesided for now, me supporting, them just talking to me when they need to vent but like... if they got in a stable position, would that dynamic change? ...I doubt it

Oof, I've done it again. Never seem to be able to say something in less than 15 paragraphs, huh?

I'm just tired... you know, I texted a suicide hotline, and as I was leaving they asked me about my support system and I was like "don't really have one, it's usually me being there for my friends"

"That's great! I'm so glad you have that!"

I swear I just kill reading comprehension some how

My support system is me and my coping skills. I could say more, but it's kind of too personal I think. In many ways they're good coping skills though

I feel like I have to do everything myself, because I do. I've been too tired to break down all the boxes my mom is always ordering, so now they're piling up. Anything I don't do doesn't get done, so I just want to get myself to where I'm doing them

Like 4 hours of work a day and I could make my life a paradise, not even kidding really... I just can't move my body when I tell it to move... I just stare at what I want to work on and... can't

I don't know... my mental health is clearly bad, and yet in many ways I think I'm doing better than a lot of the people around me

Sorry... I think I lost my point here. I just... you know, what I wish I could do is just lop off my head and have my body programed to do the tasks I want done and then store itself in a closet when not working. I want to be gone but get the work done, cause it's good work, it's work I care about, it's fixing my house that I love

I'm just tired of existing and even sleep is unpleasant to me these days

Anon, honey, your mom calling you names like that is exactly the kind of thing that drives someone to grow up thinking they owe it to everyone around them to be each and every one's personal anchor/safety net while believing no one will ever care about them.

I....This is one of those places where I can tell that I'm really struggling to turn off therapist mode, because I see such an immense weight of self-disgust and a thousand little cuts in the voices of people you have loved and trusted with your vulnerable spots. I don't ever want to dictate your story, but speaking as someone who has been there? Really and genuinely, been so alienated from everyone I loved all while doing literally everything I could conceivably do on their behalf because I was convinced that if I did any less I made as well just lay down and die right there. It was all I was worth.

It doesn't have to be like that. It really doesn't. No matter how much you're absolutely sure it does. I promise that's the depression talking. The emotional starvation, the feelings of brokenness, the unending isolation of it all. It doesn't have to drown you.

I don't say this to give you advice but to acknowledge that I see you reinforcing the cruelty others have already inflicted on you and it makes me so sad to see you speak about yourself with such surity that you aren't worth anyone's time. That you need to keep apologizing for the act of existing vulnerably in my presence. Putting others on a pedestal while kneeling in a pit below them. I wish that you wouldn't treat yourself that way. And I know that doesn't really mean anything because it's far easier said than done. Me wishing it won't make it any more likely to happen. But it makes me very sad to see anyone in this much pain so adamently insist that aren't worth loving.

I always liked the turn of phrase from my own faith of praying with your feet. It's all well and good to pray for something, but unless you're willing to march for your cause, labor in your field, or defend others who are vulnerable, that prayer is just words. To act is to go with G-d. To serve your community is to manifest divinity. This is not to preach of course, I was raised by athiests who were amusedly surprised I turned out observantly Jewish, and my favorite story to tell is the day I brought my wife to schul with me for the first time and she was welcomed by the members who asked what we thought of the service. Wifey was nervous but honest and admitted she felt uncertain about it because she didn't believe in G-d. To which the elderly head of the Board replied "Who needs to believe in G-d? I sure don't!" and suddenly wifey was no longer nervous lol.

I guess my point is, there are a lot of ways for people's commitments, whether spiritual or mundane, to be revealed as nothing more than the words it took to make them. And that is always quite hurtful, but especially so when you have been trying to express your needs all along. Listening is a skill few are ever really pressed to cultivate. Personally I like to use versions of Motivational Interviewing for my listening/participating style. Surprisingly effective at making people find you charming and pleasant to be around socially, which was nice as I have always really struggled with being "good company" prior. It's good to learn how to listen, but it's frustrating to feel like others don't return the favor, and it can really wear away at your self confidence.

Anyway, thank you for dropping in, Anon, and I hope you always feel welcome to drop me a message in whatever format you choose.

[celestialmango]

So sorry to hear you've been through a lot. I know that my words probably don't mean much since I don't know your situation fully nor do I know you, but I hope things get better for you. Trauma is not something that can just go away, so I'm glad you have found an outlet, comfort characters and a way to communicate. If talking about all of this is too stressful, then just let us know since you're already dealing with a lot and I'd hate to cause more stress unintentionally ~Shy

Yeah, it sucks because some people don't understand that trauma can leave mental and spiritual scars that are so deep they'll never go away. I try to avoid the topic because I don't like to trauma dump. The really bad stuff I leave in drafts, it's only the vent stuff I'm ok with sharing that I ever post. I'll be honest, if I don't like the questions about it I just won't answer them. The questions may sometimes leave me shaken up inside so again, I prefer not to touch that topic too much.

I'll also be honest about another thing, my old man has talked about me expanding my social circle over and over again but I can't seem to get him to understand that being in physical contact with others is not something that's actually needed to make friends, there's a lot of people who just make friends all around the world online. I have the understanding that just because your friends are far away doesn't mean you're not friends. I don't think I'll be able to make friends offline because of my fear of others and even if my abandonment issues weigh on my mind when it comes to the thought of making friends I would just keep that to myself than go on a pity party and trauma dump on people.

The only reason I ever talk about it is not because I want pity or sympathy but to try and reach understanding with others so they know the reasons for some of my behavior that are considered odd. I'm not the type to go "oh poor me" but "it's just something that happened in the past, I know it wasn't right but please understand this is why I do this sort of action, why I become really quiet and want to avoid sometimes on my bad days. You can always share what hurt you in the past with me too. I won't judge you for it."

Compassion, platonic love and seeking understanding are just part of my nature. I see hurting and feel compelled to soothe it, I know I can't fix it, that I can't help everyone but I can try to help it hurt just a little less.

It's why I say that people can always come into my inbox to vent, I will listen and to tell me if you just wanted a vent outlet or someone to talk to about what you went through and for me to actually respond to those asks. They'd of course have to tell me if that's what they want me to do however.

It helps that I have a sort of emotional defect, while I can feel angry for a long time, annoyed, and emotions along those lines, I'm not actually able to feel hatred. No matter what I'm unable to stop loving others. This is actually part of the reason I plan to become a priestess after I get a comfortable foothold in my occult studies. My other reason is so I can offer to hold official weddings, I love seeing people in love and at first thought it would be funny to make my price something silly like "buy me a taco" but later changed my mind that I would charge a good dead.

Nothing for myself but a request and proof that they have helped another as my payment. It occurs to me that despite the fact I want to use this to spread kindness this would also technically be me making people go on a quest before I do as they asked.

Honestly this type of thing doesn't stress me but knocks me off balance for a while.

#mango answers #not noms

[popcornaddict500]

man this is partially gonna sound weird as hell but big personal incoherent oc/grief vent down below

there's... something jarring to me abt losing oc ships I've had for SUCH a long time (in regards to being dumped by a close friend whom I had said ships with)

cause its like. these ships had almost become canon in my mind. I thought about them a lot, they were so Real to me.

not to mention the kids those ocs had together cause we literally made those together. designed those ocs together. I can't bear to part with them as painful as it is to keep them

I'm trying to cope but I find myself truly missing them and it's like.... i some weird way I want to find a way to fit this into a scenario. to idk work through the pain?

like like

Olivia waking up from what seemed to be a really long dream.

she had a loving husband and kids and everything. she was happy.

but she wakes up now as though it had never been- because that's kinda how it felt to me

looking around her empty bedroom. no husband, no kids, no proof of the life she had lived.

but it felt so real

it felt so long

but she's the lonely, haunted woman she was. not the happy woman finally finding peace in her family.

and she's not okay about that (neither am I)

same goes for my other ocs who were in ships with this friend. Adam, too. the one oc of mine they claimed was their favourite.

makes me look at him differently, even if slightly.

idk it's weird. those ships meant a lot to me as strange as that may sound. the things me and that friend made together meant so much to me. and I'm still struggling to deal with everything being gone now. what we did is still here, I can still read it, but it's like... it's wrong, now. it doesn't feel right to think of our ocs like that anymore as much as it pains me.

(bigger not oc related text coming in)

I'm not okay about it even though a few weeks have passed since it happened.

I'm still grieving losing someone so dear to me over a small issue that didn't need to happen at all. I was never given a chance to fix anything and it's left me with a ball of feelings I can't express. I couldn't even respond.

I miss talking to them, I miss the oc stuff we talked about, and so many other things...

maybe it sounds trivial to an outsider but the truth is I value my ocs and their ships a lot and when I've had ships for so long with someone I cared about this much it's like... a part of me being ripped away, when they ripped me out of their life, too.

you might've thought that by cutting me out of your life I would only lose being able to talk to you but. it's so much more than that. everything that was influenced by you. everything that i made because of you. everything I had collected in my mind and cherished such as the oc stuff. heck even some of my ocs were influenced by you and now are different for me because of that association. everything that reminds me of you, things I would've sent you if I was still able to talk to you. the stories in my mind of our ocs. everything that made you an important part of my life. it's all still there but now it tastes sour and miserable. tainted if you will. I lost someone I cared for deeply. someone I thought cared for me too. and it didnt even have to go this way but how the fuck was I supposed to know something was wrong when you never told me? why did you never tell me and then bail at the very end?

did our friendship mean so little to you that it was so easy for you to cut me off like I was nothing? I think, surely you must miss me in some way. surely you realize this wasn;t the right or the mature thing to do. surely you cared about me in some shape or form. surely you were happy knowing me and talking to me too. you wouldn't have stuck around for as long as you did otherwise.

before it all happened you said 'I rlly don't want to hurt your feelings'........ and then followed that up by doing. possibly the most hurtful thing you could have. being uncomfortable is one thing but not giving the other a chance at all to fix this supposed issue or even letting me respond to these- rather unfair and shallow claims you made about me is... so cowardly. I had hoped you trusted me.

I don't want to say maybe its better this way cause honestly it doesn't feel that way but. if you were fine treating me this way, someone who was supposedly one of your closest friends, then... maybe you weren't the amazing friend I thought you were.

especially because I would never treat you like this. all I ever did was love you. maybe there's another reason you did not talk to me? maybe you had some issues over on your end that you weren't willing to talk about which resulted in this big breakup? was it worth cutting me out of your life over?

I *seriously* hope you know that what you've done has hurt me in a way nothing has ever hurt me before. and it will continue to do so for a very long time I'm afraid. if you don't know, it's like... how could you do something like this and think I'd be fine? think I wouldn't be wrecked over it? truthfully I don't think I'll ever forget it.

sorry to whatever poor soul is reading this by the way lol, just had to get my emotional vomit out there. this isnt even everything lol

so yeah. emotional pain tuesday anyone?

#charlie talks #sigh #scroll past if u dont like reading long blocks of text lol #vent post #dont rb #honestly why would u rb this anyway

[kingmystrie]

Well, you asked for this. So why the fuck not. It helps me get this off my chest

You know why I’m mad at you? You really want the answer to that? I’m mad at you because it felt like you were never my fucking friend. You always acted cold, like you didn’t actually care that someone TRUSTED you enough to talk to you about their problems. It felt like my fucking vents were just there for you to analyze and pick apart like I was the fucking test subject for your stupid psychology major! Do you know how fucking DEMEANING it is! To trust someone enough to share your struggles? And for them to try and fucking diagnose you with this that and everything in between! It fucking sucks, it’s dehumanizing! It felt like you were just giving me the cold shoulder! You didn’t even pretend to care in the slightest! No fake sympathy, not even pity! Just nothing! Blankness! Slowly but surely, I wanted to distance myself more and more because it didn’t even feel like you were my friend at this point! It felt like I was talking to wall! Was I even your friend at that point? Did you actually care? Did my friendship even mean ANYTHING to you? Or was it all just a pretty lie just like all the others that lied to me about being my friend? That would’ve just thrown me away in the end once they were done playing with like a broken doll? I didn’t stick around till find out! So I ran away. And now, I have the opportunity to do this for myself for some fucking form of closure. If you know who I am, then by all means, try to reach out! I don’t care at this point anymore, I have to sleep soon anyways. I just needed to scream this. Finally. Let this out. Good night!

The reason i started talking to you less was’t because you were venting a lot or anything, i stopped talking as much because you wouldn't join any of the conversations I started or were having with other people. You didn't show that much interest in my art or any of my interests do I just kinda figured we didn't have any shared interests anymore, especially since I can't really enjoy pokemon as much as I used to. I have had to deal with so much BS from people in DA groups that literally looking at a picture of pawmi makes my heart rate go up. It's really difficult to find motivation to talk to someone who just doesn't seem to want to talk to you cause they show no interest in you. Which I don't find it a slight against me but it's just not sustainable for a friendship.

As for how I handled your vents, I didnt analyze or pick apart things. I didn't use you for my psychology major that would’ve violated many ethical guidelines and also I'm sure would be 100% illegal. I don't remember trying to diagnose anyone with anything, though I probably mentioned things to look into because I'm someone who has used information on diagnostics as a launching point to find mental exercises to better myself and understand how I interact with people. Like at this point im sure im not autistic but knowing about autism helped me find things that did help me feel better about myself and just function in life better.

I just gave advice because you were my friend and that's what friends do, they try to help each other. At least I thought I was helping.

I'm not a very warm or empathetic person, it doesn't come naturally to me. I know that, but it hurts that you didn't notice that I was trying my best. I want my friends to feel good about themselves because it makes me happier.

I'm not someone who likes being passive about my own problems or wallowing in my pain, so i assumed that you needed a nudge to get places like how many people nudged me to work on myself. Because that stuff helped me so I thought it would help you.

I wasn't planning some machinations to profit off of or anything, I'm just bad at socializing because the vast majority of people I've ever met have been abusive to me.

#mystrierumble

[little-mouse-bed]

I'm just gonna vent here. I'm feeling down and lonely and sad. Been swiping on the dating apps and not having any luck. Feel like I can't say what I really want because I'm a super weirdo. I'm married but we are poly, and I don't think my partner knows how hard it is for married poly men to get attention.

My partner and I always wanted kids together but they are having a hysterectomy cause periods are becoming way too traumatic and nothing helps, and their other health problems make it probably too difficult. I want them to have a good life and make the right health choice, but I fell for them partly because they were a great mom and loved their kid so completely.

They are relatively ok with age play but don't really get into it. After having a mommy for years, it is so, so hard to ageplay with them and still feel alone.

I wish it wasn't so strange to just say, "Seeking a big titty mommydom who wants to have babies with me and my partner."

It doesn't help that I can be kinda superficial. My wants in a partner are all over the place. I want a conventionally beautiful, petite, classy, femme girl with huge plastic titties. A tough goth mommy who can manhandle me. A cute subby baby girl that I can dote on and spoil who likes being a good girl. Someone I can trust and feel safe relying upon, but is also unpredictable and wild. Someone who'd induce and lactate for me.

My first wife was a loving mommydom and my whole world. I was too young and dealing with serious psychological abuse at work, she had bpd, and things fell apart.

My current partner identified as a straight woman when we got together but now identifies as a queer enby. That's not what I signed up for, but I care about them and love them.

I realized though that I "married my mother" both times. Disabling mental health issues, medical problems, overweight and difficulty with self care. Emotionally distant or hard to read. I felt like they needed me to help them.

I'm turning 40 and I'm afraid I won't ever (or ever again) get to experience a lot of things I want terribly. I just survive each day waiting for my next paycheck with no real hope for the future. I've never been with a woman under 35. I love love love high femme women who like makeup and heels, but both my partners have kinda hated that femme stuff, after the newness wore off and they didn't care as much about what I think. 90% of the dating profiles I come across are older than me, have several kids and don't want more, don't want kids at all, think anything femme is patriarchy, or are not remotely attractive to me. I got one match that seemed interesting but she didn't seem to like me enough to keep talking.

The few things I'm truly happy about in my life are my awesome stepkid, my absolutely adorable baby niece, and that I'm finally fixing my relationship with my father. We're closer than we've been since I was 11 and I feel like that was something I missed dearly.

I just want someone to love me and take care of me without reservation. I work hard to provide for my family and I come home to make myself dinner and go to bed in the guest room because my partner wants to be up all night. I love them, but I haven't been in love for a long time. I think we all know it. I'm loyal, and even if we are struggling I can't fault them. I just spent every penny in my love bank and keep going deeper into the red.

Anyway, I'm just lonely and sad right now and I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't have a single friend I can talk to about more than the weather and the latest television. I spend all my time at work, caretaking my partner, keeping our house from falling down, or recovering from those. My only escape is singing two nights a week, but even that leaves me exhausted the next day and wondering if it's worth it.

I swear to god I feel better physically than I have since I was 20, but this just makes me feel old inside.

The little mouse I am in my heart is curled up somewhere cold and I can't find him most of the time. I want him back in my life but it just hurts when I try.

[ventaway]

wow i can't even describe what's going on with me. i feel i've neglected this venting stuff only because i'm so busy with moving in with the bf. it was hectic, still is. not hectic in a bad way, just lots of things piling up on us, lots of checklists, lots of worry about money, job, real life. but i think we manage it well. yesterday our parents came and cleaned with us the apartment and bought stuff and food. it was lovely but i realised i can't be with my mom all day, she exhausts me in the worst way. people don't get me that i get tired after a while with them. that they can say their stuff in short and i will get it. people don't get inside your mind and think oh maybe it's too much right now. they won't look in your eyes and see or try to see what's going on. they would continue until they will break you.

im still getting used to the house. it's calming, we have pretty much basic stuff, but we need lots of closet space for clothes and it bugs me and bf a lot. we need a washing machine asap. it's nice and quiet and the quietness can freak me out a little when i'm alone. it's like i'm not connected to the world. just my own. and surprisingly that's what i wanted but i think i'm just getting used to that. it doesn't feel yet the feeling of coming home. because you get reminded of the mess you have all the time, and the list in your head keeps growing.

i don't want to think about work because i just can't deal with my assistant manager. he really loves me but i don't love him the same way because i can't talk to him like a friend, and he feels like he can with me. we always talk about judgment and criticism, i don't want it. i want him to let go. and i don't have any other way to tell him to let go of me and let me do my thing.

i don't know why i woke up and thought about my ex, lots of questions on him in my mind but then i get the feeling that i will never know cause i never asked or i will never ask. but i don't know why sometimes it's in my head.

i had a conversation with myself yesterday in the shower, i was so afraid this week that now that we are living together no roommates, i will take care of everything. i will always wash the dishes, i will always clean, i will always organise, i will dust, w.e. i know these things important to me a lot but i realised for myself that i can be both. some things i will need to let go. the need of control in the kitchen, or in the cleaning part. that maybe my bf will clean it differently and it's okay, i am afraid i'm going to lose myself in all of this, cause it happens. when you are juggling everything and the priorities of your life now is home, being a partner, being a friend, you gets the last in the list and that's my fear. so i can be both and i can balance it out. and i need to put myself first. if i'm tired. so be it. if i need to drink wine and feel sexy so be it. just a reminder before i start this journey.

[ablednt]

Honestly though I really am in such a weird spot with my mental health that I know at least a few others are in where I have a grasp on systemhood and sharing my body strong enough that I am not going to do anything to seriously hurt it

But it's like if I were alone in here I know I would be very much high risk of shit like I don't hurt myself because it would hurt the people i love in a very physical sense and also because I would just have control taken from me by someone else I don't have a choice in the matter really.

But when I reassure everyone that I won't do anything drastic it sounds like I'm telling them I'm okay and that my mental health is doing alright and that would be a lie my mental health is really bad frankly and though I am in some ways in a better place than I was as a teenager when I didn't have the experience I do now in other ways I'm a lot worse.

It's frustrating like I tell people that suicide doesn't trigger me because it doesn't and they assume that it's because I don't struggle with suicidal ideation but really it's because it's a constant influence on me it's always in the back of my brain.

Just a lot of stuff like that? It's because of the way neurotypicals organize psychiatric help and how they define a crisis only as it effects others. Like yeah I sure am palatable to society I sure am non-threatening. I am also in a perpetual state of emotional crisis that makes me always feel a little too close to death for my own comfort though but like haha it's fine I'm not going to hurt myself and that's the only thing that matters to "pro recovery" people really/s

#suicide tw #self harm tw #like I wish I was worse sometimes that I could actually get real help #it's not like being openly suicidal would get me any help though when I tried to say hey my mental healths been bad lately #to the parents the dad threatened to tie me up in his room to 'stop me from hurting myself' #cause obviously everything can be solved with physical abuse/s and I told him if he even fucking touched me I'd report that shit #(like ACAB and truly ik the cops wouldn't do shit so tbh i probably wouldn't but it does work on him) but anyway normal day discussing #mental illness at my house it's like 'we tried gaslighting you into thinking you were neurotypical and that didn't work #so what if we threatened you would that make you normal lol' #honestly rationally I know it'll get better once I move out and that without the looming pressure of their presence everything feels So Easy #but I'm fucking terrified that I'll fall apart or lose my job (if I get it. not official yet but fingers crossed) or I'll just. break #I never learned to actually cope with anything I just learned how to act fine so my parents wouldn't hurt me #so now as an adult I'm like ??? a???? #id talk to the therapist I apparently just finally fucking got assigned to me about all this but you see #I am moving as soon as i find an apartment/get a job and am assuredly losing my insurance so #I'll have to start again entirely which is so frustrating #idek if a therapist will do any good for me to be real with y'all but I just. need someone I can fall apart around withou #*without causing them great distress #cause my friends really can't deal with this stuff I vent a lot to them I'm open about my issues but I don't ever want them to bear the #weight of it all they've got their own problems just as serious as mine 😔

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

I Need You

A/N: This was found on Pinterest, so if you're the owner, let me know so I can give you the credits.

Pairing: Daryl Dixon X Reader

Word count: 2 K

Requested by anons: 1- I'm like super in love with a certain Daryl Dixon and I was wondering if you could write about them getting into a big argument and they like avoid eachother for a while (super angsty if you care lol) and then Carol and Rick just kinda make yall talk and it ends fluffy? 2 - Can i request a daryl x reader where the reader’s been with the group since atlanta, maybe set during when they’re at the prison?? daryl realizes he has a crush on the reader and just p a n i c s ? and just really sweet fluff????

Summary: After you almost get bit, Daryl loses his mind and lashes out on you. Tired of the constant arguments, the group finds a way to out you two together to try and fix things up.

{The Walking Dead Masterlist}

×

“Yer almost got bit!” Daryl shouts, voice echoing through the prison. “Yer too damn stubborn, yer not goin’ on runs anymore.” He has his back at you as you follow him, struggling to keep his pace.

“I had everything under control.” You complain, ignoring Carol's questioning stare.

You, Daryl, and Maggie went on a run earlier today. Not too far, just to get some more formula for Judith. A walker fell from the roof, and it happened to be on a specific place Daryl told you not to go. The thing's teeth got a little too close to your arm, and Daryl shot an arrow through its head.

“Ya sure did!” He stops, turning around and pointing a finger at you. “If I weren't near ya, I'd be carryin’ ya back here with a freakin’ bite.” His voice gets louder, and you never saw Daryl so... Angry. So pissed. He's scaring you. “Or would ya have me cut her damn arm off? How does that sound?”

“Stop yelling at me!” You burst out, giving his chest a push.

“I'll stop yellin’ when ya understand how stupid and dangerous that was!” He steps forward, towering over you and you never felt so small.

“We needed those antibiotics!”

“Well, I freakin’ need ya. I need ya alive! Alive and well and breathin’.” Daryl shouts, right at your face. But the moment the words come out, he stops, stepping back. He seems confused, taken aback by something. “Screw that, I need a break from savin’ yer ass.” And then, he leaves, walking fast.

Huffing, you turn around, going to your cell.

You take the longest shower you can, washing the sweat and all the disgusting things the dead left on your skin. But most of the time, you were already done, dressed, and dried. You just wanted to be away from everyone. But eventually, you have to walk out. And of course, Carol finds you on your way back to your cell.

“(Y/N), I–”

“Daryl is such an asshole.” You say cutting her off and dropping on bed. “Did you see that? Did you see how he yelled at me? As if he has the right to do so.” Getting back up you pace around.

“I just think–”

“You know what? He can go to hell.” Throwing both hands in the air, you complain. “He and his crossbow, and-and his super hot stare and the stupid angel wings vest. And the bike too. All it. Straight to hell!”

“Aren't you just–”

“Uhg! Damn it.” Crossing your arms, you sigh. “Did you hear him forbidding me to go on runs?” With your hands now on your hips, you stare at Carol. “As if! Who the hell does he think he is? My boyfriend? To hell with him.”

“Will you let me talk?”

“Sure, go ahead.” Shrugging your shoulders, you nod.

But she doesn't say anything, she just takes a deep breath and shakes her head lightly. “Look, why don't you calm down first, and then we talk.” Carol gestured at the bed and you sit down, sighing. “Good... Try to relax and deal with it after a good night's sleep.”

“I could sleep a thousand years and I'd still be mad at Daryl.” You mutter as she leaves, lying on your back with your eyes closed.

You don't know where all this anger comes from, but it's always there, waiting to flow out. You do care about him, maybe too much, but it doesn't mean he gets to yell and boss you around like that. “Asshole!” You shout one last time, arms crossing as you drown in anger.

“I saw it,” Daryl exclaims, pacing around the guard tower, breathing and talking fast. “I saw her dyin’. I saw that thing bitin’ her, tearin’ her flesh.”

“She's fine, Daryl. You don't have to keep thinking about it.” Rick tries to calm him down, both hands raised at the archer.

“No, ya don't understand.” It's useless though. Daryl is a mess. He got into the shower as soon as (Y/N) got out, rubbing the walker's blood out of his skin. But after that, he went straight to Rick because he needs to vent. He needs to yell and understand why he feels so damn scared.

Why he feels like a switch was turned on, lighting up something that was there all along, but only now was brought to light.

Losing anyone from his group, from his family would hurt bad.

But he just found out that losing her would be far worse.

“I her dyin’, man.” He slows down, both hands on his head. “I saw her dyin’ and–”

“You love her.”

“What the hell, Rick?” He snaps, a hand violently gesturing at his friend.

“You might not want to admit it, but it's true. You know it.” Rick nods, a hand casually resenting on his holster. “We all know it since Atlanta. She loves you too.”

Daryl grunts, turning his back at Rick. “Yer crazy. And so is she.”

“You should sit and talk like civilized people.”

“I ain't gonna talk to her. Crazy chick.” He mutters, grabbing his crossbow a bit tighter. “She ain't goin’ on runs anymore. At least not without me.”

“Daryl–”

“Gotta go.” The archer cuts him off, leaving the guard tower at a fast pace.

He didn't like the ideas Rick put in his head.

“Rick wants to make a room for Carl and Judith on the second floor,” Carol says as you climb the stairs next to her. “So we're cleaning up the cells.”

“Alright.” You don't really want to help. Not today at least. The nap you took didn't help much with the last issue, and you're considering going out tomorrow, just to clear your head a bit. “What do you need me to do?”

“We're just setting things up.”

“Mmm.” You mutter, running a hand through your hair as you follow her pace. Carol takes you to the very back of the corridor, to a pretty isolated cell. “You gonna put the kids here? This cell sucks. It's too–” You stop talking when you see Daryl inside, eyes-rolling. “Look, I won't help if he helps.” It sounds childish, but you don't care. You're far too pissed at the man to be near him.

“Look, I don't care if you guys argued.” Rick walks over you, friendly touching your arm. “You two just have to get your shkt together.” And you're suddenly pushed, almost stumbling inside the cell.

“What the hell?” You shout, but the moment you move, Rick pulls the bars close locking you inside. “Rick, drop it. I'm not joking.” Holding the bars, you shoot him and Carol an angry stare. “Open up.”

“There are blankets and dinner will be brought to you,” Carol says, arms crossed. “We did that because it's the only way to force you guys to talk.”

“Yeah. You'll have the whole night to figure out whatever has you both always at each other's throat.” Rick adds, sliding the key into his pocket. “Have a nice time.”

And like that, both jerks leave, talking something you can't hear. Sighing, you lay your forehead on the cold metal bars, not wanting to look at your company for the night.

“Yer can take the bed.” He says after a while.

“Obviously.” You're quick to snap. “It's your fault we're here in the first place.”

“How's that?”

“If you didn't come back from the run making a hell of a show about something that didn't even happen, we wouldn't be locked up in here.” Turning around, with both hands on your hips, you stare at him.

“If ya had listened to me, ya wouldn't have–”

“And why in the hell do I have to listen to you, Dixon? I know my way out there as well as you do.”

“ ‘Cause I jus’ wanna keep ya safe.” He's yelling again, stepping forward.

“Stop acting like I mean anything to you!” With a finger on his face, you move closer to him. You wish you could look intimidating, but being so small, that's very difficult.

“Maybe ya do mean somethin’ ta’ me! How could ya know that if ya never ask!”

“Well, I–” The answer is cut short when your furious brain processes what he just said. Furrowing your eyebrows together, you shrug your shoulders. “What do you mean?”

“Nothin’.”

“Daryl, what do you mean?” Raising your voice again, you follow him as he moves further into the cell. “What would you answer if I ask?”

“I ain't gonna answer.”

“Daryl–”

“I ain't gonna answer!” He shouts again, turning around to look at you.

Taking a deep breath, you sit on the edge of the bed, folding a leg under you. “Do you hate me?”

“What?”

“Do you hate me, Daryl?” Your voice is lower now because you do want to know.

He remains silent for a while, those blue eyes locked on yours. “No.”

“Then why–”

“I can't lose ya.” He bursts out, eyes now looking at the floor. “At that moment back there, I... I saw it happenin’. I saw ya dyin’, and I... I can't lose ya. I can't see ya gettin’ hurt.”

His voice is so low you can barely hear it. You've never seen Daryl so... Scared. Vulnerable. “You can't protect me all the time, Daryl. Accidents happen.”

“I can. I can keep ya safe if ya listen to me.” You're about to protest when Daryl comes to sit next to you, eyes on the wall across the cell. “I know ya can survive out there. But my mind works in a thousand different ways ta’ get stuff done without anyone gettin’ hurt. I need ya ta’ trust me. Ta’ believe I can keep ya safe.”

“But I need you to believe me too. To believe I can do this.” Turning your body towards him, you friendly touches his arm. “Daryl, I... I like you... A lot. And I admire you, I trust you. You taught me so much and I need you to trust me. I promise I'll be more careful, but I need you to–”

“Don't go out there without me.” He suddenly says, voice heavy. “I trust ya. Yer brave and strong. But if ya go out there and I can't keep my eyes on ya... I'll lose my damn mind.”

“Alright.” Nodding, you sigh, smiling a little. “Just don't yell at me again, Daryl Dixon.”

“Yer almost died and I... Damn it, (Y/N), –”

“I like you too, Dixon.” Standing up to your feet, you smile, looking down at him. “You don't have to say if you don't want to, just... Let's get this over with. The world is a freaking mess and if you like me and I like you we should be together.” You can't believe you're saying this, after so long. But it feels good. You feel good, secure. “Just let me know what you want.”

“Ya.”

“Me?”

“Yeah.” He nods, blue eyes locked on yours.

“Alright.” Mirroring his head movement, you clear your throat, cheeks burning. After a few seconds of silence, you walk to the bars. “RICK! CAROL! Daryl and I are dating now, can we go?” You yell, and the low chattering downstairs goes silent.

“Would it be so bad ta' stay locked in here with me for a night?” Daryl asks, and you turn around, biting your lip to hold back a smile.

“Absolutely not.” Shrugging your shoulders, you slowly move to the bed, climbing on and lying down. “I'm actually sleepy and it's cold so it'll be nice to have someone to warm me up at night.”

“Don't push it.”

“I'm not.” Giggling, you feel as he lies down, close enough so his shoulder is touching your back. “Night, D. It was good to sort things out with you.”

“Good night, pretty girl.” He mutters and you smile, eyes closing and sleep easily overcoming you, thanks to the amazing feeling of having Daryl lying next to you.

#daryl fanfiction #imagine daryl #daryl dixon fanfiction #daryl dixon #daryl dixon imagine #daryl x reader #daryl dixon x reader #daryl dixon one shot #daryl dixion imagine #imagine the walking dead #the walking dead imagine #the walking dead fanfiction

[sapphosvioletts]

i just saw something that said "knowing i'm loved and feeling loved are two different things" and like maybe it's stupid that this one quote has impacted me so much but it has. like i never realized this and now i can't stop thinking about it

my friends and people in my life tell me all the time that they love me and care about me, but i never really feel it. and i always feel really guilty for it. and i realized that the times in my life where ive actually felt loved have been the happiest, and even with the same people in my life, i don't feel that anymore. like i don't feel loved anymore, and in turn i don't feel happy

and i guess it just all makes more sense now. there's a difference. like i know im loved, but i don't feel it.

and i don't blame the people in my life. they all are really busy and have their own stuff they are going through, i should be the least of their priorities or worries. and at least they still tell me i'm loved. but i just don't feel it, and it kinda hurts

i feel like i do everything i can to make the people in my life, especially my friends feel loved. and i feel really selfish for it, but it hurts that i don't really get to feel that. and i can't say for sure that my friends feel loved or that what i do has any affect on them at all, but i really try. like i wake up early so i can talk with or send encouragements to my friends in different time zones, even as early as 4am sometimes. then i go back to sleep and wake up at a more reasonable time for my time zone, which is when one of my really close friends lunch is so we can hopefully talk. and then the rest of the day is just like texting encouragements to all my friends during their breaks from school/work because i know they'll see them since they're on break and have their phone. it feels like my whole life revolves around trying to be there for the people i love in my life, all day i'm only thinking about when they'll text me back or how they're doing. literally my day is spent just waiting for them to respond. like my whole day is structured around it. i try so hard to make others feel loved, and i just feel like i don't get the same amount of effort put in for me. and i hate even thinking that because like they all have their own lives, they have work and school and all of their own shit they are having to deal with. so i feel like kinda selfish honestly for it and i feel bad because they all already go through a lot as it is. but i just feel like i give out so much love, or at least i really try to, and i never get the same effort in return. and it hurts a lot

so yeah long story short came to the realization being told i'm loved isn't the same as feeling loved and it broke my brain and i figured out why i'm not happy anymore and i really just want to have the same effort given to me in return lol

and also i just got a journal finally, so hopefully you guys won't have to deal with my vents cause now i'll have another way to like get them out there and make it feel like i'm actually being heard and it's going out into the universe or whatever. idk my logic is weird i don't understand it either lol

but idk maybe this will help someone else who struggles with the same thing, it's really one of the reasons i'm even posting this. maybe it will help someone feel less alone and heard, and give them something they can relate to. i know it probably won't mean much, since this whole thing has been about how telling is different then feeling, but i do see you and i understand, and i love you very much, and you are very loved. i never want anyone to feel unloved because it's the worst fucking feeling in the world, so whatever i can do for anyone, any of followers or anyone who reads this, please feel free to come to me, my inbox is open and anon is on. and while i can't promise i'll respond right away, which i do apologize for and feel really bad about, just know that i do see you and care a lot about you, and i'll try my best to respond as soon as i can and do whatever i can, cause no one deserves to feel unloved and alone <3

[selfshippinglover]

Sorry if this has already been asked, but how did Cici meet the horror skele bro's? Also if it was after the lack of food, how did she earn their trust?

Okay lore dump incoming because I've been WANTING to for a while now fkkbjgkjbsg No need to apologize friend! It hasn't even been asked yet :DD Plus I really want to answer questions about her and them <3

So, the story as 3/4ths of my inserts stories do....with a plan to take their life. Having heard the same bedtime story since they were a young child, the human Cici decides to scale the mysterious and forgotten...Mt. Ebott. She gets to the top, takes a good look down into the abyss that her body is going to make its forever home, and jumps. No idea how much time passed but she eventually woke up. Dazed, confused, and defeated, she continues to the Underground hoping that the fairy tales of monsters are true to finish her off. Instead, she runs into a creepy looking flower. The flower informs her that she is very much not human but has a human soul. He seems interested by this fact.

We go through the typical Flowey introduction. typical Toriel introduction but with lots of angst and confusion. Toriel lets her pass easily since she doesn't want to give into the urges anyways. Before they know it, their finding in a home in the Underground, finding new life within themself ,and slowly finding the courage to give living another go. Sure, she's trapped Underground but that doesn't matter, she's found a new family and a place that she can actually call home.

Then, something BAD happens....

A famine hits the entire Underground, monsters are losing their minds left and right, the people she cares for most are changing, and everything is thrown into total chaos. Despite this, she does her best to still be the nice, giving person she is. Though, after the INCIDENT, her personality has had a bit of a change....

Sans:

~She stills sees him as someone she admires a lot but...she can't help but afraid of his hungry outbursts-and him generally sometimes

~He was a part of the INCIDENT but she tries not to think about that fact(She's still having a hard time forgiving him for that)

~They trade deathly puns back and forth on the daily

~Still very protective of one another

~Assists him as much as possible cause she wants to make sure he's safe from Undyne ESPECIALLY

~Always trying to get him to understand that she's still trustworthy despite she doesn't feel all the way the same about him?? It's complicated

Papyrus:

~Still VERY much in love with him

~He may not be exactly the same but his morals are still there to some degree??

~VERY protective of him

~Spends alotta time assisting Papyrus with the daily tasks

~He is the person that she trusts most and will tell everything to

~Ends up venting to him a lot too cause she doesn't want to further burden Sans :((

~Actually likes his frozen pasta cause HUNGER

Side Affects of the HUNGER:

~Stomach has shrunk some so she's a bit weaker

~Always putting others first when it comes to food so she's hungry a lot of the time but is slowly getting used to the stomach pain

~That being said, she is liable to physically harm herself to make sure she doesn't eat anything LIVING

~ Isn't super easy to trigger but my god the smell of BLOOD in particular is a bit hard to deal with if it's FRESH

~The smell of BLOOD is especially triggering to her if HP is low since it at least feels like it has a healing affect

Feel free to asks about other character relations for clues regarding the INCIDENT and other stuff :DD

#cicisays #Horror of our Love #a-multi-fandom-fanboy #Thank you SO MUCH FOR ASKING ABOUT MY CURRENT BIG BAD INTEREST SKJGKGJ #tw suicida #suicide tw #blood tw #tw blood #violence tw #tw violence #murder tw #tw murder #LONG POST #FKGJKGJSKGSDJ #HT CICI #SERIOUSLY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING

[writingandmore]

Hi!!! May I get a HP, Star Wars, Voltron, and Disney matchup?

𝗕𝗔𝗦𝗜𝗖𝗦 + 𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘

19, Libra, Neutral Good, enneagram is 4w5, muggleborn Ravenclaw (with Gryffindor tendencies), and my patronus spirit is Hummingbird. Biromantic Pansexual Genderfluid woman using pronouns of She/Her or He/Him. Cherubic-like face, with short height (5'1") plus sized Southeast Asian woman with Spanish descent that has chic messy/wavy brunette medium hair that reaches to my shoulder, oriental skin, slightly upturned eyes, small lashes, chocolate brown irises, cute flat nose, heart shaped face, full cheeks, cupid's bow lips, a small beauty mark on the forehead, and naturally straight teeth with tiny gap in front (just imagine that it's a mixture of Marinette from 𝗠𝗶𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘂𝗹𝗼𝘂𝘀 𝗟𝗮𝗱𝘆𝗯𝘂𝗴, Musa from 𝗪𝗶𝗻𝘅 𝗖𝗹𝘂𝗯, and Alexandra Trese from 𝗧𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲---cause' my friend told me that I kinda look like them). My sense of fashion is in between emo and boyish plus korean glam, I sometimes let my hair down or styled like Lara Croft reboot.

𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬

Distant, quiet, and timid at first making people thought I'm a demure, modest, and self-effacing that looks "immaculate" or "one of a kind" (due to my protective mom, a reason why I've never been in a relationship) but the truth is, dunno how to initiate a conversation, but a total opposite if I open up---friendly, ambivert, witty, laughing loudly on a daily basis---like my happiness is too shallow, super talkative, eats a lot (yeah I can finish a huge slice of cake or a meal in one sitting), awkward, daydreamer (I got embarrassed from knocking at the door even I'm inside the classroom 😂), EXTREMELY CLUMSY (mostly gets bruises from hitting, bumping my head somewhere, walking into something on my way, and being careless to my belongings), secretly likes affection, easily overwhelmed, prone to melt over wholesomeness, flusters on compliments, lightly blushes on cheesy banters, eager to share what I know (especially about Catholic Church---my past teacher joked that I'll become a saint because of it 🤣), oftenly speaks full of sarcasm with a lowkey crackhead energy citing meme references, and talented girl who can be your no.1 supporter and unashamed to be true to myself but can be awkward to strangers. In terms of leadership, I only educate and guide than being a prefect (I might take the role seriously), will lift my group when there's lacking/incompleteness. About doing projects in school, I become too extra and prepared for efforts, but I'll forget the process in the end.

The extent, I'm expressive, warm-hearted, willig to help, kind, intelligent, supportive, nice, creative, enthusiastic, laid-back, determined, tough, competitive, and feisty outside, but a real softie that can be childish and dramatic that cries so easily (but will enlightened real quick by smallest things that makes me smile) filled with doubts, frustrations, and insecurities with fear of failure that pushes off the limits to to please everyone because they might get dissappointed from expectations---I simply can't stop proving myself too much because I'm a survivor of bullying. But I still managed to be stronger than ever after I stumbled, even it's a slow burn process. I can be blunt, intimidating, harsh, and a douchebag if I receive ends or I got interrupted while doing something. Immature, headstrong, perfectionist, demanding, hesitant, jumpy, forgetful, overthinker, quick-tempered, sensitive, and anxious (no joke, my nervousness makes me think worse scenario will arrive). Though can be procrastinator and arrogant, I raised as a religious 𝖺𝗇𝖽 diplomatic youth, willing to fight what I believe (including my dreams and what's important to me) and what is right. In addition, I have a habit of staying up late and doing sign of the cross to ease nervousness.

Rowdy and feeling-brokenhearted and bitter friend in the group who fangirl a lot, swears like sailor, will call out on people that we loathe, will make fun of your stupidity (in a good way) before helping, and bring gossips, but a hopeless romantic and cheeky (makes banter with sarcasms or pick up lines as an endearment, but gets annoyed if I received sappy or offensive one), Still generous and concerned person in a subtle and different way.

𝗛𝗢𝗕𝗕𝗜𝗘𝗦

My hobbies are singing, drawing, roleplaying, listening to music, chatting/browsing on social media, conceptualizing, writing, and reading some stuffs. I'll include making corniest jokes/puns, sleeping, and dancing when nobody's around or walking like a model if I feel so bold (even I'm terrible at both xD). I also used to learn Italian language a bit.

𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘𝗦

Loves kittens, milk tea, singing at the karaoke, cartoons, iced coffee, memes, cute things, watching YouTube videos (mostly pageants, ASMR, edit audios, and mukbangs), also enjoys playing games on my sister's PSP. Sucker for arts, choir, poetry, night sky, makeup, fun/deep/dumb conversations, Christianity, documentaries (about saints, real crime stories, and inspirational people), reading interesting stuffs, talking about social issues, and creative writing, chilling both indoors and outdoors. Beside that, my music taste are like late 90s-2000s songs (mostly rock, pop, and country) sometimes Catholic songs, kpop and ppop, chocoholic, and a sweetooth as well.

𝗗𝗜𝗦𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘𝗦

Things that I hate are stereotyping, HUGE creepy crawlies (spiders, toads, snakes, and cockroaches), firecracker sounds, thunder and lightning, being left out, loneliness, heart break, blackout, and judgemental people. If I found out that someone hates or backstabbing or being rude to me, I won't hesitate to throw offensive criticisms, leaving them with a "I don't give a f" attitude. One random fact about me is, I 𝗐𝗂𝗅𝗅 vent out EVERYTHING I despise in my entire existence---from bad soap operas to toxicity, worse scenarios in real life, and how terrible is my love life from unrequited feelings that I got, because it's a big deal for me, and I consider forcing me to do what I'm not into and manipulating me as my major pet peeves.

𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗚𝗚𝗘𝗥𝗦

In terms of triggers...I only have two which are ta𝖨king about divorce/annullment/separation because I came from a generational broken family (it sucks that some people I knew assumed that the reason why I'm overly unaware that someone is interested in me in secret, is I have "high standards" looking for a partner, but the truth is I'm strict and I have a personal preferences...I know my worth and I don't want settle for less!) and religion/beliefs discrimination, cause' there are reasonings that doesn't makes sense because some, sounds too hypocritical, like as if you're a morally good person.

𝗥𝗢𝗠𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘 + 𝗟𝗢𝗩𝗘 𝗟𝗔𝗡𝗚𝗨𝗔𝗚𝗘𝗦

My love languages are quality time and gift giving, but I actually swoon over physical touch (especially cuddles and cute kisses) and words of affirmation when it comes to having a partner, though I get attracted so easily, matured but can be a goofy person who's nice, friendly, kind-hearted, loving, faithful, and excels in academics is my cup of tea. Whenever I have a real life crush (which is rare), I act the same but deep inside, my heart is about to explode and will eventually share to my trustful friends how I highly admire that person, however if they spilled the beans out, I'll obviously deny it and will cry if they like someone else, it will take some time for me to move on, now I don't care for them anymore.

Best Friends to Lovers is my ideal trope because I find it very cute since you already knew each other before dating (which happened to my 2nd cousin, she married her best friend!)---perfect balance for romance, laughters, comfort, and tears when it comes to sharing your vibes, being there through thick and thin, safe with embraces, and helping each other to grow.

𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗩𝗜𝗔𝗦

My best assets are smile, eyes, personality, singing voice, artistic skills, writings, intelligence, oratorical skills and I have potential in hosting...so I can consider myself as a singer, artist, orator, speaker, and a top student who's a former active campus ministry member with three roles (choir leader, psalm singer, and reader).

May sounds different but I'm passionate for helping people through my talents and sharing my story to inspire everyone. I may look selfish, but I have a different way on how I show that I actually care also I have a biased sentimental value

Currently a college freshman, learning how to cook. I have so many interests, to the point I don't know what I'm into because of my dreams to become a popular Filipino YouTuber, a novelist, and being part of a successful chorale competing internationally...I also consider joining pageants at school too once the pandemic ends, but maybe.

HP: Remus!

- Remus is also quiet and a bit reserved when he's not in a familiar situation, so your own first impression on him would be a good one, as you'd seem similar to his own personality. He's sweet and is able to start up a conversation if he notices the other person is having a hard time doing so, so hopefully he'd be able to bring out your more extroverted and friendly self after a while so he can be around the more open you. He wouldn't mind you being a bit awkward-he's very much the same way-honestly, the comradery that would come from that would be more positive than anything else. He loves sharing knowledge and learning about new things, so your eagerness to talk about what you know would work really well also! He does a lot better when he knows someone has his back too, so your extra supportive nature would endear him to you as well.

SW: Han!

- Your nicer and more helpful personality would balance out Han's more standoffish vibes when first meeting. You might get on his nerves a bit first, but you'd quickly grown on him and, in turn, make him a bit of a better person. Your ability to be blunt and a bit harsh would serve you well if you ever needed to stand your ground on an issue that two of you have, as he can be quite stubborn.

VLD: Lance!

- Lance can be a bit immature from time to time as well, especially when it comes to trying to be funny or cheering up those around him-he's also headstrong and typically firm in what he wants to do, so your own determined personality would attract him to you a lot as well. He often puts off things he needs to do if they make him anxious too, but if you both recognize that you share that problem, helping each other might be a good solution!

Disney: Flynn!

- Flynn is quite a sarcastic and teasing person, so your own humor would match well with his. He's also quite a hopeless romantic as well, even though he's certainly not one to admit that right off the bat. He enjoys singing, and as he gets closer to someone he feels more comfortable doing so in front of them, so a partner he's been with for a long time would get to see him be more and more open with it. That also applies to activities like dancing.

#hp matchup #remus lupin #sw matchp #han solo #vld matchup #lance mcclain #disney matchup #flynn rider