#depression i guess

[thelikesoffinn]

Honestly, I love the shadow curse for one reason and a very stupid reason at that.

It reminds me of how my depression feels. My fellow depression babes know what I mean when I say that everyone's depression feels a little different and we would all use different descriptors to visualise them, but the shadow curse is perfect for me.

You know, that cold, lingering feeling just barely out of reach as I run hither and tither, trying desperately to keep all the candles burning. I need the light to keep the shadows at bay; to protect me from becoming shadow cursed. And the worse it becomes, the more space I lose, and by the end, right before I tip into a full-on low episode, I'm pressed against the door, the cold emptiness seeping through the thin wood and into me, numbing my fingers as time goes on. My one candle flickers, growing dimmer by the hour, as the space around me gets darker and darker.

The lower the light falls, the more noise I can hear on the other side of the door. Shadow beings, hissing and prowling; rattling the door and baging against it as I fight to keep it closed. Fight to keep my one candle burning.

Which, of course I do. I always fight, throwing myself matches made of things I enjoy and people I adore.

But it is hard. I'm exhausted. I don't want to be shadow cursed, but god, I'm so exhausted. Exhausted enough to think, just every once in a while, that maybe things would be easier if I gave up. If it would be easier to let it in; to let the shadow curse consume me so that I finally become numb and empty - empty enough for me to lie in bed, wrapped in darkness and without any emotion, as I slowly turn shadow cursed.

#when I'm not feeling well I already feel like a candle burning low and depression is another layer #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #baldurs gate 3 #baldur's gate #baldurs gate #shadow cursed lands #the shadow curse #mental health #depression i guess #depression #tw depression

[alephnol]

ah, depression.

#rambles #everyone #ask blog #depression i guess

[weirdstills]

he is my babygirl

also something i made in june 2022 and never finished

#eddsworld fanart #eddsworld #paul eddsworld #eddsworld paul #sorry for not posting #depression i guess #stillsart

[ladykissingfish]

Feeling very sad and lonely today. And every day. Miss the one I wasn’t good enough for.

#depression I guess

[moody-b1tch]

Rambling about my (improving) relationship with food.

Since, like a month, I've been living alone with my boyfriend. And not everything is nice (I miss my old city, my friends, my pets and overall hate this city) one thing I love is that I can choose what we're going to eat.

I like cooking. I just usually don't have the executive function to do it, but living with my boyfriend, my (barely there) survival instincts help me to Start Doing The Task.

And I probably never enjoyed food like at this point in my life.

My mom was Weird about food. Trauma + Schizophrenia are not a good combo lol. So, when I was a kid I was forced to eat stuff I hated (and, later I discovered that my rejection for some dishes was mostly due to sensory issues) , and there was a lot of shame around stuff that my mom didn't consider "good". She always made a lot of comments about my weight and body, too, and blamed my size on my eating habits.

Then, I moved with my grandma. And HER FOOD WAS DELICIOUS. And, better yet, we share a lot of sensory issues, so she cooked in a way that avoided all the things that made eating a nightmare (like little pieces of tomatoes, boiled onions, entire pieces of garlic and other stuff that made me gag). The best part was that she never forced me to eat stuff I didn't like. I never had to ask. If she noticed I avoided some dishes, she always made something extra for me every time she cooked one of those.

Sadly, my bulimia was on its peak around those years, so eating always involved a lot of guilt. And, all the shitty things that bulimia implies.

Then, I lived alone for a few months and I was always too busy to cook, so I ate a lot of junk food, alternating with avoiding eating.

During the pandemic, I moved with my boyfriend's parents. And, I love them. I would probably be dead or in a really shitty place without them. But my boyfriend's mom has this tendency of trying to "fix" picky eaters. I just opted for junk, or not eating, or praying for having something on the menu that I could eat without gagging. And occasionally, started to cook to have control over the food. It wasn't an everyday thing, but it was pretty constant. After the pandemic it got a little bit worse.

During this time, thanks to therapy and a lot of free time I started to reflect about my relationship with food, and also tried to express it better. I used to say "I don't like chicken" because it was easier than explaining that I like the flavor, but gristle and fat disgust me, that the texture of boiled chicken makes me gag, that finding bone splinters on a bite makes me gag too, and that during years, I ate roasted chicken without salt almost on a daily basis, so my brain goes "nope" when I hear the name of the food.

I realized a lot of the things around the food were texture-related. That I wasn't just "a picky eater": there was Something Else.™

Then there was this period when I was left alone for one or two months and I developed allergies due to stress and eating basically only instant soups with cheese lol. And then more "trying to fix me."

But now, I think I'm free of most of that bullshit. I'm a bit overweight due to years of lots of junk food, but I don't feel like I have to "fix it immediately" or punish myself for eating, and that's wonderful. I'm trying to have a balanced diet, but I'm playing a lot with the ingredients. Chop the onions on tiny pieces and caramerizing them before adding the rest of the ingredients to avoid texture. Blending or crushing other stuff to incorporate the flavor without having the pieces there. Baking a lot of stuff to get this crunchy texture I like.

And. Is great. I'm actually enjoying eating. I'm not at my best moment, but at least my relationship with food is improving, and I think that's keeping me sane.

But also, it makes me wonder why people (mostly adults) are so mean to kids/teens about food when making eating a bearable experience is just about communication and trying a little. Fooling around with the cooking process. Removing some ingredients, adding others. Arranging the dish/lunch box in a way that doesn't let some stuff touch the rest of the food. Looking for new recipes.

"Extremely unhealthy processed food" and "making eating a traumatic experience" are not the only two options.

Anyway. I just know that, if one day I have my own kids, maybe I won't be the best mom, but at least I'll try to make eating a nice experience for them.

#cw: #child abuse #eating disorders #food #venting #personal stuff #depression i guess

[lenaleviosa]

Okey but why is the solution to feeling better, doing the things I don’t like? Like, why can’t I get over my depression by buying more books, eating more chocolate and not cleaning my room at all?

#depression I guess #mental health #my stupid mental health #books #food

[androgynousmushroomlad]

There's nothing worse then missing the man your father could have been, but never was

#dad #daddy issues #depression i guess

[englishmagic]

I don’t mean to be difficult but sometimes my brain just IS. My therapist today tried to remind me that I don’t have to follow other people’s standards for how I’m supposed to live my life and who I want to be. I can be whoever I want.

And on the one hand, thanks, on the other, that’s not true. I’ve got to exist within capitalism. One of my ‘goals’ is to be financially independent, but that’s not something I WANT. That’s something that I’m forced to have to be. And there are limitations on who I can be. I have to limit myself to two eyes. I have to have skin. I have to breathe air. I have to exist physically and be perceived and consume products and produce waste. And this is a Problem for me. I don’t want to think about who I want to be because inevitably the conclusion I always reach is that I don’t want to be. Setting goals is too much like planning for the future, and like, no. Thinking more than like two days ahead gives me stomach trouble. I’m stuck in this world, this one directional timeline, this physical body, and I need to find a way to be okay with that. I don’t want to be what people(ie my family, ie my mother) expect me to be, but what I want to be is either nothing or it’s physically impossible, so I might as well be the thing that leads to less nagging? Then again I’m also seemingly incapable of being ‘okay’ by the going standards for any significant stretch of time. I’m sick of being productive and reasonable and employable and helpful; I want to go apeshit. I want to go to bed.

Today’s vibes are teeth bared, middle fingers up, I don’t want to be here but I am, just don’t make me pretend to be happy about it please.

#/rant #soz life #anyone know how I can get tumblr to stop suggesting frequently used tags #there’s one here with my deadname on it that keeps coming up and I fucking hate it #depression I guess

[404-happiness-not-found]

one thing that scares me is thinking about how every single person on earth has their own story. they’re not just background characters even though they might appear as such.

every single person u encounter has their own desires, anxieties. traumatic experiences, too.

it often crushes me just thinking about that. i can barely comprehend my own life. how would i ever be able to comprehend that of other people?

maybe life isn’t for us to comprehend. maybe life is for us to experience. if that’s the case, then why am i trapped in this endless search for reason? why am i so hellbent on finding myself? why can’t this shit ever be easy?

#word vomit #depression i guess #morning thoughts

[psithurismpica]

Is this gonna reach anyone? Probably not. Do I want my three followers to know this anyway? Yeah, yeah I do.

I used to be an artist, not a professional one. But that art obsessed kid that everyone expect to become some semi famous artist.

So here I was well on my way to become a great artist.

And then I had a mental breakdown.

Yep.

Why? Well lots of reasons, but the main one: I hated my own art. I wasn’t proud of myself. I knew I was good, but knowing and feeling aren’t the same things. So I hated my art, and in extension, I hated myself.

I’m not fond of the saying “art is the artist” but there is some truth to it. Art reflects a part of you, even if you’re not the one making it. Its what you see in it that matters.

So my mental breakdown. I quit art. I went from drawing all day every day, to not drawing anything for a full month, then after that month I started doodling in notebooks but never anything serious. I refused to see myself as an artist, and I still don’t.

I started to study biology instead of art, and I’ve found my true passion in it.

After a full year of not drawing anything seriously I drew a portrait, and I loved it.

Was is perfect? No. Was it difficult and so require a lot of skill? Not particularly. Is it the best art piece I’ve ever made? Technically also no.

But it’s the one I love most. Because in that year I’ve learned to love myself and my art. Some days it’s difficult sure, but I’m better now.

When you read this I want you to know that sometimes the things that seem right, are not always healthy. If you feel wildly unhappy, maybe take a look at your life and ask yourself “is there anything here that might actually be the cause of this feeling?” And if so, why?

For me it was all the expectations that were put upon me. When it comes to art you have to be the best of the best, because you won’t make it otherwise. When you’re good at art suddenly everyone tells you that it’s a gift and that you just have to do something with it. And you can. But not if it hurts you.

Remember that you are worthy of being happy and healthy.

#art #healing #depression i guess #artist

[saltysatellite804]

I wish I had someone old and wise to talk to sometimes. My parents are....not that. I just want to be told how to escape my shitty life and how to enjoy living again. I want to know what I'm supposed to do. I think all the time how I just want to escape but. How? I have no financial means. No security. No support system. I don't know if I should just try harder. I don't know where I wanna go or who I wanna be. I just feel like I have nothing lately.

And I have people who rely on me here.

I'm 26 and I keep feeling like time is running out. But I dont know what I want or how to make myself happy anymore.

#i need someone to tell me what to do #im sick of this #feel so lost #depression i guess #just feel like im gonna be alone and then wind up dead or in some abusive nursing home when im old #literally cant imagine anything improving

[thelikesoffinn]

So I'm sat on my bed sobbing because I can't get a knot out of my hair, so I think it's safe to say that I'm, in fact, not alright.

#mental health #adhd feels #anxiously #depression I guess #but hey #who's to say #bad day #i'm not ok #but its ok #its okay to not be okay #so excuse me while I sob #and brush my hair #i'm just tired man #how do they say? #do you ever get a little bit tired of life? like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die?

[zeldalookslonely]

Every day: forget lunch. Horrible nausea by 4 pm. Too sick to eat anything. Whyy

#I don’t even know #depression I guess

[puninyan-wibwob]

I'm a mess of an person, why I am even alive, I don't know why I don't talk to other people as much as I need to. I know I should be less shy, I know I should try to make conversation even if I don't want to, just to satisfy my dumb emotional needs.

I'm tired of being me, you know?

I really wish I could be born a diferent person, and the worst thing is that I have an "good" life, it makes me hate myself more for feeling the way I do.

I feel so contradictory, I know I have people that love me, but, it hurts that I can't feel that love. knowing I have so much potential, the thought of disappointing anyone hurts. I just want this dumb illness to disappear, I can't imagine myself living with this crap for the rest of my life.

but I'm too weak to get out . I can't turn to the out that alot of people have done. I can't harm myself, I just want the pain to go away, please, please make it go away

#vent #depression i guess #why am i still alive

[theywontletmebeprincipal]

this is just a small thing but I really appreciate the attention to detail w finn’s body type in farm world vs in ooo

farm world finn has a very “dehydrated bodybuilder action star” look which shows that while he’s physically strong he probably isn’t the healthiest n doesn’t have very many recourses, what with living on the outskirts of a gritty post apocalypse town. meanwhile ooo finn has a strongman’s build n it’s really clear that he’s physically strong AND is taking care of himself thanks to the resources he has access to that farm world finn doesn’t. such a great subtle bit of environmental storytelling to show the differences between dimensions

#I GUESS you could also chalk it up to art style difference #but this is the team that made ice king’s weight constantly fluctuating to reflect his depression #I think it’s a purposeful design thing #sanders bullshit #adventure time #fionna and cake #finn mertens

[taibhsearachd]

Just discovered an early Protestant theory about werewolves (the Catholics had their own complicated ideas about whether werewolves were possible and how they worked, don’t worry about it) was that an imbalance of melancholic humors could fuck up your alchemical makeup so badly that you transform into a wolf.

Fellas, you ever get so sad that you just straight-up turn into a fucking wolf? I know I have.

#history #werewolves #depression #I guess lol