#emotionally trying times still running rampant and the one thing i wanted to draw for the new year is still a work in progress

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

Greetings I play cookie run

#KNOX ART (me) #Sun Wukong | Monkey King #cookie run #Monkie Kid #been wanting to draw him in plum cookie's costuem for a while it's pretty #and ended up doing it cookie run style while looking at plum cookie for ref so here we are gbbsdf;lkjasmf #FIRST POST OF THE NEW YEAR TECNICALLY WOWZA #nOT DEAD! JUST HAD A LONG MONTH BGBSDFL;KMAWEF #emotionally trying times still running rampant and the one thing i wanted to draw for the new year is still a work in progress #but here's cookie monkey for now #he is a little guy #first monkie kid bit of art i've drawn in ages #most of it's just been oc stuff lately or nothing at allgbsdfl;kmasd #ANYWAY ENJOY HOPE Y'ALL DOING WELL N VIBIN GOOD DAY #trying out new watermark #i'm attatched to the pretty colours #feels weird to be posting hGHSDFLKJSDJ BEEN A LONG TIME

[spockandawe]

Shen Jiu/Tianlang-jun

Or, I came here for the dunking on binghe vibe, lingered for the aesthetic, and then tripped accidentally into an au that’s actually really compelling me hard that I want to figure out more

(yes it’s the 2k thing that hit me out of nowhere, but i wrote that out and it didn’t scratch the itch, so here we are)

(I always use so many words, let’s just have a cut now)

My general premise as, theoretically, an author: This is set in the canonverse timeline, after Luo Binghe merges the demon realm and human realm. Probably not long after, because things are still VERY much in confusion, both societies are still reeling, unrest is rampant, and Luo Binghe is only just just just starting to figure out that no, he still doesn’t feel very fulfilled. Turning two realms upside down gives Zhuzhi-lang an opportunity to finally get his hands on a dew flower seed to grow a body for Tianlang-jun (he is a patient boy). Shen Jiu is still alive, though honestly, I don’t know how much Luo Binghe bothers keeping him conscious anymore, and there’s my stage.

What I arrived here from was thinking about how I characterized Tianlang-jun for my Shen Yuan/Tianlang-jun fic, and how I’m really leaning into his romantic nature and fond, un-pushy approach to relationships. When I thought about writing those two characters dunking on a stallion novel together, I was like ‘oh noooo, he would have been so disappointed in bingge’ (which adds to an already emotionally complicated situation, what with him having a son at all) and then I was like ‘haha, being disappointed in bingge, something for him and shen jiu to bond over’

And then I was like ‘wait, but seriously--’

So, I keep seeing those shipping memes going around where people describe their favorite dynamics, and I probably won’t ever draw one myself, but a shipping vibe I love is a character in a lonely downward spiral being pulled out of the disaster zone and emotionally reattached to the world. That’s what I’m writing in the sy/tlj, honestly. A vibe I love even more, but which is even rarer, is when two characters are in those downward spirals, and latch onto each other in an intense, codependent, unhealthy way.... and somehow manage to salvage something beautiful from the situation.

Anyways, Shen Jiu and Tianlang-jun.

When I was trying to figure out how to ship them, one of the first questions when I’m sussing out an unusual pair without other fanworks is: Why do they care about each other? And the more I thought about them, the more I realized that they’re each really, really strongly in the mold of the other one’s Favorite Person, who they’d since lost. Shen Jiu is a cold, aloof, untouchable, beautiful person. Tianlang-jun is a quieter person, very pleasant, but terrifyingly strong in some ways, and soft and ruthless at unexpected times. But neither one is exactly a replacement goldfish, which is good, because losing their favorite person was pretty traumatic for them in different ways. Shen Jiu plays more mean than Su Xiyan did, and Tianlang-jun is more eccentric and romantic than Yue Qingyuan was.

Logistically, the idea that Tianlang-jun hates his son made it easy for me to bring the two of them together. In this universe especially, Tianlang-jun feels a lot of scorn towards Luo Binghe, but Luo Binghe is still very strong. He doesn’t have much in the way of weaknesses, and I think even super-traumatized, super-bitter Tianlang-jun would turn up his nose at the idea of attacking Luo Binghe through his wives. But stealing away Shen Jiu, that’s a person who Luo Binghe is almost as ““close”” to as he is to the harem, this is a person with pretty significant knowledge of Luo Binghe’s childhood, and it’s a powerful person with a major reason to hold a grudge against Luo Binghe himself. 

(I don’t think Tianlang-jun has much of a plan, necessarily, when he kidnaps Shen Jiu, the same way he didn’t have much of a plan when he was aiming to merge the worlds together. Like, yes, there’s this big goal, but why? and then what? I’m not going to go off on a digression about this, but I think it is very much a shitty, shitty plan, and that Shen Jiu is not going to be stoked once he figures out he was kidnapped from Luo Binghe because *shrug?*)

So what I want. Emotionally. Is where the two of them do kind of latch onto each other in a replacement goldfish sort of way, but where that kind of closeness really pulls them into sync in a way where they end up attached WAY more strongly than they ever intended to begin with. And also, both of them are dealing with some weird dysphoric feelings (one with four new prosthetic limbs, one with a decaying body) and are trying to power through them by using their bodies as a tool they use, not as residences they inhabit. And I think that Shen Jiu in particular is leaning into his time in the Qiu household in a bad way, and using himself as an incentive to try to nudge Tianlang-jun into doing things he wants. Love me some dysfunction like that, especially if people start having Regrets and/or Feelings later.

I think.... part of the reason I cut off my fic where I did was that Shen Jiu getting his tongue back is going to really, really, really start reshaping their dynamic. In the fic, Tianlang-jun is reading things into his deliberately-vague gestures that aren’t necessarily there, or just seeing what entertains him to see, but with a voice? Shen Jiu is a man with opinions, and he’s so, so, so completely out of fucks to give. When they start engaging with each other for real, they have to start recognizing each other as people, and not as proxyfucking substitutes for Su Xiyan and Yue Qingyuan.

Now, why I didn’t write that whole fic from the beginning is because it’s almost gotta be plot-intensive. Luo Binghe is not going to be happy that Shen Jiu is gone, he’s going to be very interested in getting him back, and if he gets his hands on him, it’s going to be... ugly. Shen Jiu is aware of that, and makes Tianlang-jun aware of that, but Luo Binghe is so hilariously overpowered that it’s going to be HARD to keep them both out of Luo Binghe’s hands without just making them quiet hermits in some corner of the world. And they can’t be quiet hermits, because otherwise Tianlang-jun would never have stolen Shen Jiu in the first place :P 

I am still really, really, really tempted to write it, because like, just imagine Luo Binghe coming for Shen Jiu in his dreams, and all that trauma crashing back into him, and Luo Binghe digging into every old emotional wound, and Shen Jiu trying to cope. And if dream abilities run in the blood, then Tianlang-jun isn’t completely useless either, and I do very much like the idea that protagonist or not, Tianlang-jun is capable of going toe to toe with his son. The picture of them fighting a battle across Shen Jiu’s dreamscape is just... *chef kiss*

(especially because if luo binghe gets into shen jiu’s head, he’ll totally use yue qingyuan against him, and if tianlang-jun gets involved, he’ll use su xiyan against luo binghe, and luo binghe will probably try to use her against him, and shen jiu is perfectly happy to try to make binghe hurt over how binghe’s dad chose him instead of binghe, and it will be so, so ugly all around)

The trouble with this would be knowing where it was heading :P The quiet hermit ending wouldn’t be a bad fit for what I want for the characters at all, but it would be hard to achieve with Luo Binghe still alive, and I still don’t know if I want him dead, or how I would even make that happen. 

But what I do want, even if it only takes shape in one-shots of scattered scenes, is two exhausted, traumatized characters curling up into each other, without any emotions, no emotions involved, definitely not, and accidentally getting super entangled in each other’s hearts. The kind of relationship with a lot of intensity and need and passion, and virtually no healthy coping mechanisms to be seen. I want ‘Separation Anxiety: The Musical.’ I want Shen Jiu with angry clinging, and extra anger if anyone mentions the clinging. I want Tianlang-jun deflecting and deflecting away from his past and his emotions. And part of the reason I’m not sure if I want Binghe dead, is that I want to see if I can get them to a point where one or both of them has a choice between hurting Binghe or helping their partner, and they choose their partner instead.

#tianlang jun #svsss #shen jiu #tianlang jun x shen jiu #shen jiu x tianlang jun #long post/ #okay i am tired now #hopefully i can actually translate that into. you know. sleep. #those are the days that bind us #tianjiu

[lilylilym]

How Yukine’s box closes and the upcoming Daddiest Heaven’s Arc

I must be the only one not currently into the Yukine’s past arc. Perhaps it’s because it kinds of happened before. I guess I have to re-read to catch on the emotional cue as to how he was driven to betray Yato. The whole “why don’t you trust me as a Shinki” thing. Of course Father, or to borrow the fandom’s terminology, Trash Dad™, manipulated the poor child into betraying Yato but the child also has heard about Trash Dad and what he had done to Yato, has he not? I know, I know, he’s an abused and manipulated child, and we literally cannot count on children all that much to know and do the logical thing. And that’s on Yato too for not... just communicate, man. Ahh, they’re all survivors of parental abuse--Yato, Yukine, Hiiro--displaying severe symptoms of trauma most particularly their inability to healthily and clearly communicate. I know, I know, I just get upset following this arc, because I know the tension is high for a reason but the narrative is a little trope-y with the whole “Main Character’s Precious Fluff Turned Evil Plotline™” I can’t remember where I have seen it but every time it happens I do not like it. The taunting of “ooh its me but I’m bad now I’m so much better without you” while main character has to beg them to remember what they share. I truly wish there was a way to advance the plot without having to go this route because it was foreseeable, at least for me.

I have not a single evidence about how it’s gonna be resolved, but this is my guess based on years of reading tropy shonen manga: the power of love, trust, and friendship (+perhaps other gods, probably Bishamon who just woke up, because of her tie to Kazuma, and Nana who recently was reminded that Bishamon is her benefactor) will lead to team Yato’s winning Yukine back. The God’s end-of-year Cleansing Party will coincide with this battle and Trash Dad will lose to Yato (or collective effort with the presence of other gods). In this process he will let known other information about his past and why he hated the Heaven so much. This information will implicate Yato or compromise his position, forcing him to be torn between the Father whom he wants to get away from but is still tied emotionally and the Heaven whom he knows is not just. Basically choosing between the lesser evil. It might make him wanting to renounce godhood. But Heaven will swoop in and take Trash dad away like they always do without letting Yato processing this information or learning more from him, and thus we will enter a new arc where the speed and stake are both heightened: who runs Heaven and how Heaven’s ancient wars (including the purging of Arahabaki) relates to the emergence of Trash Dad--how he came to be in relation to the loss of his loved one. The narrative point will move to explore those conflicts, and Yato might be forced to go against the heaven one more time to get to his dad (to rescue or access or otherwise) in order to find out the truth. Meanwhile the Gods™ crew finding out Ebisu’s old documents will come up with something related to this past. I’m guessing the underlying plot of heaven will be about the order of things, how the system of Shinki and Ayakashi are created or developed, to loop back into the brush that they stole from Izanami that Ebisu was obsessed over 2 arcs ago. This is just out of my ass and based on no indication whatsoever from the manga, but I’m gonna say that Heaven’s deep dark secret is that it could literally save all human soul after they die but they let Ayakashi run rampant so that Gods have something to do and Shinki can be created to kill Ayakashi. Hence their need to execute Ebisu on the spot without needing further investigation about what he was trying to get from Izanami. Because they K N O W the only thing that could be taken from there--a way to control Ayakashi. In Noragami’s world, since it draws from Shinto, hellish stuff doesn’t exist and it seems like the scariest thing is just a bundle of Ayakashi that is at best 5 slices away. So what other drama can it be, right? Trash Dad is trash but he by no means will be the last villain of the series based on the way he is portrayed. At this point, we kind of have to align with his view about how Heaven conducts things--based on the two events of Ebisu’s execution and the battle with Bishamon. Damn, talking about having no due processes.  A lot of people have theorized about Amaterasu being forced to reincarnate to carry out Heaven's will. My (mostly trollish) brain comes to a theory of another Trash Dad, the most trash of all what which is none other than Izanagi who has something to do with whatever bullshit is happening in Heaven. 

- First, it’s because Trash Dad and Child abuse seems to be having its moment and everywhere we look there’s a trash dad, and everywhere we turn there’s a kid being abused so why not go all the way. If Her Highness Amaterasu also has a trash dad who are we to demand better.

- Second, since Izanami has been introduced, Izanagi has to show up and in one of the tales about them he legit locked her in Yomi after seeing her decomposing body. The tale went something like this: 

Izanami passed away after birthing a bunch gods, and went into Yomi. Izanagi followed her but couldn't rescue because she already ate Yomi’s food. She pleaded with the gods but the waiting process was long, and Izanagi couldn’t fucking wait despite being instructed to do so. He charged in to see that she was a decomposed body and peaced the fuck out, leaving a large stone right at the gate of Yomi after escaping. After fleeing from Yomi, that’s when Izanagi created Amaterasu, Tsukiyomi, Susanoo, and Shina-tsu-hiko.   

Husband of the year Izanagi is not--so I’m guessing our authors will do something with this tale concerning the brushes or Izanami’s ability to create Ayakashi (to be her friends since her husband sucks) versus Izanagi’s ability to create gods. 

- Lastly, the first child of Izanami and Izanagi was said to be Ebisu. They were doing a marriage ritual and fucked it up, with Izanami speaking first and thus the child being born is deformed they put it out on a basket and let it float in the sea. Since this detail was mentioned in the manga to a certain extent, I’m guessing we’ll meet the father, esp when Ebisu made it a point to come see mommy and borrow her creation. In a way he’s defying father’s rules (if we’re going with the theme of Trash Dad’s power trips) to create a world after his ideals rather than traditions. And since Ebisu has such an emotional punch (even tho he was there for a whooping few chapters) and played the greatest role in inspiring Yato to go against his own Trash dad, I assume that this character building means something.

OK I was only gonna complain a lil bit about this arc but here I am 2 hours later full into theorizing mode. Hello, I just started watching Noragami anime 3 days ago and now I have finished everything there is and read all the blogs and probably all the theories. I have the last question that I wanna ask: How the fuck did Yato’s Trash Dad get to Heaven in the Heaven Treason Arc??? If he’s not a god or not having a shrine, how did he get there, or did I miss something??

#noragami #Noragami theories #Noragami meta #yato #ebisu #yukine #amaterasu #izanami #izanagi

[ty-talks-comics]

Best of DC: Week of February 12th, 2020

Best of this Week: Pennyworth R.I.P. One-Shot - James Tynion IV and Various Artists and Colorists

Some people think Dick Grayson is the glue that holds the Batfamily together, some say that it's really Tim Drake, but we all know that it has always been Alfred.

Alfred has been by Bruce's side since the day that Thomas and Martha Wayne were killed in Crime Alley. Alfred raised the boy from a young age and watched as he became a hero that Gotham City could truly be proud of. Alfred even got to see Bruce raise many kids of his own over the years and sas there to pick up the slack when Bruce was too injured, angry or didn't know how to talk to them. Alfred was patient. Alfred was loving. Alfred was amazing and will be sorely missed.

Alfred met his tragic end during the recent City of Bane arc and even after that wrapped up, it still took time for the rest of the family to get together and mourn his passing. Bruce has been trying to cope with it all by throwing himself into his Gotham Renovation Project and various superheroics. Barbara’s been dealing with her own issues in the form of a rogue Oracle. Damian has the Titans, Jason is on the outs with the family and Dick (Ric) doesn’t even really remember Alfred.

In the end, Bane managed to do what he set out to accomplish in the first place: He Broke the Bat.

Not only did he break Batman, he broke the entire family as a whole as shown from the very first shot of this book. Eddy Barrows presents us with a pulled out shot, showing a statue of Alfred in the middle of the new Alfred J. Pennyworth Children’s Hospital - a momentous honor meant to save kids just like Bruce. However, this scene also symbolizes the distance between all of the family. Tynion IV does a great job of scripting their inner thoughts as told by an unseen narrator.

Damian, being the one who was there, feels the weight of his disobedience and sees things as his fault. Tim hearkens back to the time after Jason died and fears for Bruce, knowing the darkness inside of him. Jason was told to NOT come, but Alfred had always treated him right and Barbara feels like she knows how to fix things, but who’s to say that she’s in the right mind to do so either? And Ric… well, Ric doesn’t know why he’s there, but he feels obligated.

Barrows does an amazing job of showing the pain through their forlorn expressions and lowered heads. I assume that Adriano Lucas was the one who colored these scenes because they make excellent use of cold blues to emphasize the sadness of the Family. Barrows also does something that a few artists struggle with in distinguishing each of the boys from each other. They each have distinct hairstyles and facial structures and it’s a nice touch for such a tragic event. Soon after, Tim finds a little dive bar for them to meet in and they each bicker a bit before Bruce arrives for toasts and memories.

This book also does an excellent job of showcasing personal moments that we never see between the kids and Alfred. Beginning with Damian, Chris Burnham draws a flashback to one of the first times that Alfred bails Damian out after he disobeys Batman about going out on patrols. Tynion IV and Burnham capture Damian’s early petulance through his childish pouting superiority complex. We see that Damian loved Alfred because he was willing to be patient with the young boy and Bruce was just getting used to having a trained assassin as a son. 

Damian is still widely considered the worst Robin, but that idea has long passed its expiration date as the young lad has grown significantly over the years. In the beginning he could have killed anyone and not felt a lick of remorse for it, but over time, thanks to the softening of Bruce and Alfred, the boy has learned to care and take responsibility for things that weren’t even his fault. He tears up thinking that the rest of the family blamed him for Alfred’s death and regrets that he didn’t do more to stop Bane before leaving the bar. 

Tim speaks next and Marcio Takara takes over art for Tim’s flashback. The third Robin is still arguably the smartest, but during a hectic fight with Firefly, he leaves some of his gear and Alfred bails him out by sneaking into the GCPD to retrieve the items. It’s very action packed and does well to show that sometimes Tim loses his cool too, but after the recollection, Tim says that he would step in for Alfred if Batman ASKS him to do so. When Bruce refuses, Tim makes a point that this is exactly like how Bruce was after Jason, but this time he has to pull himself through like an adult before he too leaves.

Tim is usually the Robin that’s touted as being the one who saved Batman during his most destructive period. He’s always been the level headed one, but in recent years he’s been put through the ringer. From being kidnapped by an unseen entity and thought dead for almost a year (Detective Comics, 2017), to fighting an alt-future, villainous version of himself (Detective Comics, 2018) and finally reuniting with his Young Justice friends and dealing with the chaos of that (Young Justice, 2019). Tim is tired and even more so of the darkness that shrouds Bruce and the Family.

Jaybird raises his glass to Alfred next and offers a counter to Tim. He says that maybe Batman would have worked out his issues after Jason’s death if a new kid didn’t swing in and just try to relieve him of the pain. Jason has always been the most extreme of the family, but he’s never been above asking Alfred for help. As a street urchin, Jason doesn’t trust most people, but despite this Alfred always thought to check up on Bruce’s second son and tried to bring him back to the side of the angels. Jason never bit, but he appreciated the effort.

He tells Barbara that he won’t chastise Bruce for how he feels because they’re all in that same spot right now, but he does want Bruce to work towards fixing it. Jason knows better than the rest of them what it feels like to have lost (Heroes in Crisis, 2018), but he also knows what it’s like to be there on the fringes with no one there to help.

Batgirl is often lost in the conversations that usually revolve around the boys, but she shouldn’t be. Barbara’s intellect exceeds that of Tim by a wide margin, but that intelligence also comes with an intuitiveness given to her by her father, James Gordon, as they live in the heart of Gotham. Barbara makes the most logical statement about the general fear swelling in Gotham after Bane’s rise and defeat and the lack of trust in Bat themed heroes given everything that The Batman Who Laughs has done. Bruce’s reconstruction project isn’t helping either as it’s just another shiny coat of paint over a city whose problems run down to its roots.

Babs may not have grown up in the mansion like the boys, but Alfred cared for her just the same, effectively being Batman’s first daughter...niece maybe the better description? David Lafuente does the art for her flashback and it’s a more cutesy style with thick defining lines and lots of faraway shots as we see Alfred and Barbara hiking up a mountain just outside of Gotham City. The actions of Killing Joke absolutely still happened and to celebrate the anniversary of Barbara leaving spine rehab, Alfred wanted to celebrate with a hike and a cupcake.Barbara says that they need Bruce to come back and be the person that they all need him to be before she leaves as well. 

Finally, we hear from Ric Grayson. The former Dick Grayson was another victim of Bane’s vendetta, getting shot in the head by the KGBeast in an attempt to further hurt Batman. Aside from his Flying Grayson memories and a few scant ones with Alfred and Bruce, he doesn’t remember his life as Nightwing, with the Titans or the rest of the Batfamily and that probably makes this book harder to swallow. Dick has always been the elder brother to each of them and truly is Batman’s voice of reason after Alfred, but Dick is gone. 

So Ric, knowing he needs to step up and say something to get Bruce to help himself, asks him to tell whatever story Dick Grayson might have if he were still around. Bruce then speaks up about a time where Dick found out that Alfred had been leaving flowers at the sight of the Waynes murder to celebrate the anniversary of their marriage where Bruce had been leaving flowers on the anniversary of their deaths. Dick tells Bruce that Alfred always wanted to tell him that their deaths had saved countless lives and even the world at times.

It’s grim and kinda dark, but in the grand scheme of things, Ric is right. Batman has given everything he can to the world under his mission of Justice and that never would have happened if the Waynes survived, just look at Batman: The Gift (Batman #45 - #47, 2018). In that timeline, the Waynes did survive and it was a nightmare world where crime was rampant, Dick was crazed Batman like Flashpoint Thomas Wayne and everything was just wrong. Ric may not have known all of tht, but he did know that Alfred was right and that Bruce needed to be strong for him.

Before Ric leaves, he hangs a picture on the bar wall while Tynion IV and Barrows convey the emotional impact of Ric’s act through four panels without dialogue. Bruce looks at the picture and not only can readers feel the tears swelling up in the corners of their eyes, but we almost feel as if Bruce is as well as he stars upon a picture of the core Batfamily with Alfred as the focus between them.

I’m not gonna lie, I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready to deal with a Batman future without Alfred. He’s always been such a faithful companion and foil to our dour hero and his passing has only made Batman that much darker. The cynic in me knows that DC Won’t keep him dead forever, especially with an incoming Crisis that may undo everything from the last four years of storytelling, but at the same time it might not. I think the idea to kill Alfred was a good one to create awesome moments like it did in this book, but who will take his place?

Could this really be Tim’s time to step away from the masks and go behind the scenes like Oracle did? Could Alfred’s daughter, Julia, see a return since she hasn’t been seen since I think All Star Batman in 2016? Will Lucius Fox actually stay in the position as he’s there now in Detective Comics? Who knows?

All that matters is the life of Alfred and the mark he left on our favorite characters.

Also, support me on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/TyTalksComics

#alfred pennyworth #bruce wayne #damian wayne #dick grayson #barbara gordon #tim drake #jason todd #dc comics #james tynion iv #eddy barrows #peter j tomasi #comics #comic review

[sasorikigai]

My muse in a relationships || @ephemeralkryonics​ || accepting (Part 2)

👫Do they display affection in public? What about in private?

Publicly, Hanzo may come across as stern, reserved and repressed with his affection (even when he attempts to sneak in knowing gazes, brush of hands and any part of exposed flesh, etc.), as he’s running high on rampant, prompted introspection and overwhelming onslaught of responsibilities that come as freight train of thoughts. So it may prevent him from fully capable to display physical and mental affection, compared to the private setting. 

In private, he is definitely much more at ease, without tension and hardened countenance and aura, which makes it effortless to commit to both physical and mental affection. While he feels more than comfortable expressing his affection with vocalizations, such would not be a possibility when he is fulfilling his Grandmaster’s responsibilities and duties. 

💕Are they open to threesomes or a polyamorous relationship?

It’s a hard no; Hanzo is a strict believer of the ethical philosophy and that “what’s good is what feels good” approach of polyamory or non-monogamy relationship repulsive. This can be more gross, as in the orgiastic pleasures of indulgence, or more subtle, as in weighing long term vs. short term pleasures and pursuing sustainable pleasures, seeking more subtle pleasures such as art and community, and considering the greatest pleasure for the greatest number of beings. While he understands that that it’s not only about sex, and being about the intimacy surrounding sex, Hanzo doesn’t that the pursuit of pleasure is as important to human beings nowhere near as to live a meaningful life, and I think the monogamous family model has been preferred for many good reasons. 

He is a traditionalist by heart, so he prefers one woman or one man is an equal balance with himself, instead of having primary and secondary person whom he could divide his attention. He isn’t very open regarding polyamorous relationships either, so trying other arrangements is out of the option too. Hanzo thinks polyamory is very egocentric and exploitive of participants. There is a primary lover and then secondary lovers, so there is an inherent caste system in Polyamorous relationships. So he would much prefer to have and thinks that it’s better to just find one person to make love with, and stay open to a community of friends. 

Also, time demands and emotional complexities may hinder Hanzo from ever pursuing it for himself. While Harumi and Kuai Liang share self-responsibility and integrity when it comes to their emotional strength and jealousy and commitment wouldn’t be an issue for them, he doesn’t think it’s sustainable long term as it is selfish in nature, even if the premise is that he can love a lot more abundantly than he originally believed we could. Monogamy is not just a belief system – it’s called pair bonding. Nature wants him to team up with and fall in love with one partner. Monogamy doesn’t mean he has to mate with one person for life, but Harumi will always be the one whom he’d consider his soulmate even before Kuai; Kuai just happens to share many paramount traits which Harumi possessed. 

💔Do they have a certain type of person they will not enter into a relationship with?

Anyone who is shallow, one-dimensional, goes against the Bushido Code, which are code of eight virtues he will follow with all his heart. Those individuals don’t deserve Hanzo Hasashi’s hard-earned trust, loyalty, devotion and love. 

💝How long until they feel secure and comfortable in a relationship?

Because of his past as a misguided hellspawn spectre and being used as a pawn without self-governance, Hanzo’s trust towards others and the time it takes to be completely comfortable with his significant other may take a while. With Kuai Liang, the duration which it takes for Hanzo to become more comfortable may be significantly reduced, simply because they have a long history between them. Even as mortal rivals and being a prominent member of opposite factions that had been in such a bitter rivalry for centuries, only exacerbated by Quan Chi’s machinations, the gravitational force of attraction was always there. 

There was an intrinsic intrigue, ever since the OG time where even as Scorpion, he caught up on how significantly different Kuai Liang was compared to Bi-Han. Kuai Liang’s major story arc revolves with the fact that the death of older brother had big impact on Kuai Liang, who in Bi-Han’s honor took name of Sub-Zero as he sought revenge against Scorpion. It was one of his biggest motivation during all MK stories - at least until he made a peace with Hanzo Hasashi. Kuai Liang is idealistic and naive, and Hanzo finds his sympathy, kindness, empathy and mercifulness (despite being absolutely ruthless and ferocious when he’s engaged in kombat) and Hanzo finds that endearing. 

Elder Kuai Liang may seem very composed, but Hanzo now knows in the Lin Kuei’s youth, he was driven by emotions (anger, guilt) - just like he is, anger fueled by guilt - and forced to do many things against his will by various powers (Lin Kuei, Quan Chi’s magic, cursed blade) and still he stayed on the heroes’ side. Kuai Liang even made peace with murderer of his brother - himself - and blamed only Quan Chi for what happened to Bi-Han. Hanzo forever feels indebted and grateful for Kuai’s forgiveness.

🤐Would they ever confess their feelings first?

Hanzo most likely would to Kuai Liang, than having it the other way. While Hanzo isn’t much experienced when it comes to having romantic/sexual relationships, for his one and only partner for life had been Harumi and I headcanon that they were friends from childhood years, in which Hanzo soon became Harumi’s suitor and they became lovers from friends, which also lead to them becoming soulmates. Because Hanzo is more emotionally in touch with himself and have no qualms of expressing his thoughts and feelings, it would come much more natural to him than Kuai Liang, who is rather naive and hasn’t experienced all the life’s joys as his childhood and normalcy to experience various appropriate things in Lin Kuei. 

❌Would they ever cheat on their partner?

Cheating is wrong, because it breaches his hard-earned trust, devotion and love. The golden rule for arguing about morals is the golden rule itself: One should treat others the way one would like others to treat oneself. The special exclusive bond he shared with him/her would degrade to become never exclusive or special. It would feel like such a violation and make him doubt his own self-worth, that maybe he is not deemed worthy enough. A relationship is heavy, involves a lot of opening up and intimacy, and breaking that trust makes him feel vulnerable and betrayed. The searing mental image of his loved one being intimate with someone else is hard to erase completely from your head, and would haunt him for long. It’s a shattering blend of impotent anger, envy, loss of self-confidence, possible erosion of faith in love, disgust at having opened up to such a person, and mind-numbing  regret and sorrow. 

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦Do they want children?

Hanzo always thrived better with having his offsprings; regardless of biological (Satoshi) or surrogate (Takeda Takahashi), Hanzo’s paternal prowess has not only kept him in check from his severe depression and sole survivor’s guilt, but it boosted his hellfire and fighting capabilities, making him even capable of coming on top of Raiden and Sub-Zero (albeit he was injured before their battle). 

🐶Are they a cuddler?

As I have mentioned before, physical intimacy is one of the most crucial and profound part of romantic/sexual relationship. Cuddling often gets conflated with sex because it releases oxytocin, a hormone that promotes bonding, and like sex, cuddling can lower blood pressure, ease pain, and increase sexual and life satisfaction. While cuddling doesn’t always make sex as an end result, Hanzo regards cuddling itself as one of the most important communications in relationships, as those subtle, grounding touches anchor him to reality. It only fosters tight-knitted bonding opportunities and cuddling increases his sense of security with Kuai Liang, which in turn, increases his desire to be emotionally intimate and vulnerable with him. There’s no denying the positive effects cuddling has on his relationship.

🔮Do they believe in soul mates?

I think Hanzo both believes in destiny and growth beliefs; it’s the same with Harumi and Kuai, that he was destined to be with a specific person (in this case, people) and that he would have one person who is meant for me in different timelines (if Harumi hadn’t met her gruesome death, Hanzo would have dedicated his life for her). And this is especially important with Hanzo’s relationship with Kuai Liang, and that their relationship slowly progressed and they both grew to fit together - like yin and yang - as they both made conscious effort to become needed and fill in the gaps of their imperfections. While he believes that he and Kuai can be the most compatible person on the face of the earth, but he doesn’t believe there's an invisible force that draws complete strangers towards each other; they have to continue to make conscious effort to understand and perceive each other, even as they begin to know them in-depth. 

⚔️ Are they protective of their partner?

Extremely. Although Hanzo knows Kuai is a strong and ferocious warrior who can very easily protect himself from peril and throes of death, it’s the past trauma of losing his clan - not once, but twice under supernatural forces he couldn’t control nor predict - and most definitely his family. 

🚀 How far are they willing to go for the person they love?

Once Hanzo commits in romantic/sexual relationships, he will literally go to the ends of the earth and to Hell and back; it’s literally the entirety of his story arc regarding Harumi/Satoshi when you think about it. It it weren’t for Hanzo’s love, Hanzo Hasashi as a character we know as of now may have been nonexistent, and so does Scorpion. 

❤️ Do they fall in love easily?

While the severity of his trauma may have been slightly mitigated by the decades of his desiderium and deep longing, Hanzo still has dreams and nightmares about Harumi, whom he considered not only as a longtime friend, a lover, a beloved and devoted wife, but even more so, his soulmate. She was a quiet, but a strong presence who served as Hanzo’s emotional pillar and guidance. 

📺 Do they share information about their relationships freely with friends and family?

Initially, Hanzo would be very discreet and hesitant about their relationship; at least until it becomes truly serious and fully devoted. For Hanzo, strategic disclosure and manipulation of co-presence (especially in regards to their shared Grandmasters’ positions and being Earthrealm’s protectors) signals will become the most frequent ways in which information was managed. The most frequent reasons for revelation were felt obligation to reveal based on the relationship with the target, the desire for emotional expression and the desire for psychological support from the target. The most frequent reason to withhold information was the anticipation of a negative reaction from his surroundings, specifically to the Shirai Ryu and perhaps beyond.  

This sharing of personal details about his life - your feelings, thoughts, memories, and other such things - Hanzo’s self-disclosure is on the low side; while he is completely open about sharing them to the most trusted, loved individuals, he is much more reserved about such things. 

♦️Are they concerned with the social status of their partner?

Social status is most likely the least facet Hanzo is concerned about, but I think Hanzo certainly has a type for someone who is either 1) a commanding leader in any manifestations and forms - Grandmasters, Commanders, those who have been in the leading position where they are responsible for numbers of individuals under their wings, so to speak, and 2) possesses insistence, the iron-will stubbornness that is able to meet his own hot-tempered decisiveness. 

💭 Do they tend to sleep better when in bed with their partner?

One of Hanzo’s most absolute favorite things to do is to cuddle naked; while he is much more of a sensual being than sexual, Hanzo does enjoy both physical or emotional closeness. While the term intimate relationship usually implies the inclusion of sexual activity, the term is also used to indicate a relationship with more than just sexual activity. Intimate relationships maintain a key role in his overall human experience because they involve emotional connections with others. This may be romance, physical or sexual attraction, sexual activity, or emotional support, while also helps him to develop strong interpersonal connections. 

Hanzo desires physical intimacy of some sort at least occasionally, being that it is a natural part of human sexuality. Because this is most often sensual touching of any sort, it requires an entrance into another's personal space, while it may be an emotional or sexual act anywhere from a hug to a kiss or sexual intercourse. Emotional or sensual touching of this sort aids in the release of oxytocin, dopamine,and serotonin, which reduces stress. Also, without physical intimacy, there are increased feelings of loneliness or sadness and Hanzo is highly prone to suffering both without the intimate proximity with his significant other. 

Specifically with Kuai Liang, he finds the quality of his sleep significantly improved; he finds the cryomancer’s coolness extremely comfortable, relaxing and natural. Even as a pyromancer and someone who is more or less used to stifling heat of Japan, regardless of humidity, he finds majority of summer and fall a bit unbearable - since he is the type to sweat a lot in those hot seasons and it’s hard for him to cool down rapidly without feeling significant discomfort beyond where he feels unhygienic and disgusting. Having some kind of weight under him is also a comforting presence, and he dreams less nightmares and unpleasant dreams because of it. 

#✗ obsessive cathartic (headcanon) #✗ the ineffable testimony of spawned hellfire (scorpion) #✗ again and always (scorpion x sub-zero) #(relationships; sub-zero) #ephemeralkryonics

[hisband]

3 , 8 , 9, 38 !!

 meme: carling shares her honest opinions. || status: no longer accepting.

3. what current rp trend do you hate?

   i find that the rpc as a whole has gotten a lot more… idk, picky & shallow about which characters they interact with? of course, no one is obligated to interact with anyone and i would never guilt-trip anybody for not being interested in specific muses of mine or not following me back. but i have notice a shift over the last four years that i don’t particularly like.

   to give you guys a better idea what i’m talking about, let me give you an example. i roleplay captain spaulding from r.ob zombie’s firefly f.amily trilogy on my multi @mnstrsqd. he’s currently my longest running muse; i’ve been writing him publicly since spring 2015 and have moved him across multiple blogs. spaulding, despite being a chubby, ill-tempered, unhygienic guy in his late 50s / early 60s ( what can i say, i have a type ), was once my most popular character. not because he was pretty to look at or digestible, but because i was told he was interesting. people were drawn to his personality. for that reason, i wasn’t afraid to approach people on him or to follow first ( though i tried to be mindful because he Is a clown character and there are people on this website with coulrophobia, which i completely understand ). it wasn’t difficult to get interactions on him at all.

   nowadays? i’m fairly reluctant to approach people on characters that are considered unconventional, like my main horror muse belial or half the roster on my multi or even murdoc himself, because it seems like the rpc has devolved in the sense that the majority of writers on here ( based on my Own Personal Experience, at least ) are looking for characters that are easy. easy to get along with ic, easy to ship with, easy on the eyes. my buddy ruben made a much more detailed post on that here if you guys wanna check that out, but yeah. shallowness ( or perhaps an extreme reluctance to go outside one’s comfort zone ) is a rampant problem on tumb.lr these days, and it wasn’t like that at all when i first started out. people were a lot more willing to give others a chance no matter how fucking weird or obscure their character was, and i miss that a lot. had the community not been so accepting when i first joined, i probably wouldn’t have stuck around.

8. name any three things about the rpc that bother you.

   besides what i mentioned above? let’s see…

here’s a controversial one: people who feel the need to go around blocks and demand to know why you cut them off. like, dude, all you’re doing is proving to me that i made the right call by removing you from my social sphere. i find this behaviour incredibly entitled & invasive and i don’t like it one bit. i don’t like the idea that you owe people explanations as to why you left, especially if the person in question has been exhibiting abusive or triggering behaviour ( unknowingly or not ). just accept you’re no longer welcome in that person’s life and move on. the length of time you’ve known that person - or favours you’ve done for that person in the past - should not be used as bargaining tools to keep them around. you can tell someone why you’re ending a friendship or writing partnership, but you shouldn’t have to.

on the flip-side of this, i don’t like vague-posting. i try not to follow people who vague-post unless they have a damn good reason to do it ( i.e. trying to warn people about a past abuser but not wanting to say the person’s name for the sake of their own safety, or somebody else’s ). i strongly dislike when vague-posting is done for the sake of guilt-tripping others or making them uneasy. that’s passive-aggressive, petty & not at all a mature way to deal with conflict. if you’re having issues with someone ( and yes, there is a Huge, Huge Fucking Distinction between miscommunications in a relationship and legitimately toxic and abusive behaviour ), talk to them or else the issue is never going to be resolved. don’t drag everyone else down because you’re feeling upset or frustrated with one person.

people making assumptions about other people’s characters seems to be a problem that’s on the rise. just… don’t do it, even if you truly believe you know the other mun’s character. even if you’ve been writing with that character for years. even if you’ve written that character before yourself. it’s really rude & disrespectful, and most writers i know don’t appreciate someone else coming in and telling them how to portray their own muse, or acting like they know them better than they do. if you’re not sure about something in regards to a partner’s character, just ask. it’s that simple.

9. what is your opinion on exclusivity? do you practice it? why / why not?

   i don’t mind exclusivity & have never seen it as a big deal! if you’re really attached to a friend’s portrayal ( and i personally get very attached to the way my friends write their characters ), i think it’s fine to stick with their interpretation and their interpretation alone. the only time it’s ever been a problem for me is when i’ve written in really small fandoms ( i.e. the fire.fly family trilogy ) and felt the need to give everyone a chance. i think that’s a little bit different than when you’re developing a whole ship or story arc with one specific character, y’know?

38. what advice would you give to someone new to rp?

   don’t make rp your only hobby - that can turn unhealthy super fast. if you rp because you like to write, as i do, find other ways to write if you ever reach a point where you don’t wanna rp but still need a way to express yourself artistically ( and believe me, this Will happen ). if writing isn’t cutting it, then try something new, like drawing, or podcasting, or scrapbooking, or arts & crafts, or even cooking. these are all creative hobbies with very similar pay-offs! 

   don’t become too emotionally dependent on rp. i understand getting invested in characters & ships - believe me, i do - but when it becomes your only source of happiness or when you can’t see yourself being able to function without these things in your life, there’s a problem. similarly, don’t become too emotionally dependent on your friends & writing partners. that isn’t fair to them; they aren’t objects or bots here to cater to you, they’re living breathing people, usually with multiple things going on at once. no one’s life should revolve around one thing or one person, period. that’s recipe for disaster.

   and please, please, don’t treat rp like a job. don’t beat yourself up over things like not writing fast enough, or not writing enough threads, or not writing with enough people or not being online enough. this is a hobby, and should be treated like a hobby, and should absolutely not take priority over things like finding / keeping a job, doing well in school, taking care of your responsibilities & spending time with loved ones. the sooner you stop taking tum.blr rp super-seriously, the happier and more fulfilled you’ll feel. promise.

#simplyechoes #⇩ ▬ ғᴀɴᴍᴀɪʟ ( answered. ) #long post /

[personaehq]

INCOMING MESSAGE …

FULL NAME: skye ALIAS: jeon hana ANDROID TYPE: DHA#413 MANUFACTURE DATE: 2137 PHYSICAL AGE: 23 ALIGNMENT: pro-defiant OCCUPATION: n/a AFFILIATION: leader of the defiant movement ACCOMMODATION: ecostay apartments, sangenjaya FACECLAIM: moon gayoung

ACCESSING: BACKGROUND …

i.

olivia ito is the name she remembers.

it is taught to her when she is freshly bought and presented to the young woman as a birthday gift by a concerned sibling. the woman is a workaholic and spends hours upon hours as a doctor at yoriyoi kenko. disorganization runs rampant in all aspects of her life due to the constant, nigh instinctual, need to be successful and stay top of her game, nothing but her best foot put forward. ironically, her patients are the only people in her life that can properly rely on her. though kind, she neglects friends and family alike, plants die in her apartment, and whispers of doctor ito’s lack of a social life are thick within the halls of the hospital.

olivia isn’t quite sure what to make of her and so she carries the name #413 or ‘you’ for a couple of weeks, residing in the woman’s apartment on standby mostly. little by little, her use becomes apparent. she’s built to be a personal assistant, after all, and bringing order to chaos is what she’s best at, something that olivia no longer fights against. life outside of work and even within it begins to improve, drastically with her presence. in honor of olivia’s motto, 'the sky’s the limit’, she is given the name 'skye’.

ii.

androids deviating from their programming is still practically a myth even long after the first whispers of it have reached people’s ears. nonetheless, paranoia becomes a valid feeling, and skye is watched by her owner more closely than before. her owner’s fears are unfounded, however as skye never acts out. the warm friendliness she excudes is simply that of her programming, nothing more than a built-in personality. still, every update and check-up is closely monitored, olivia not wanting to take a single chance.

all is well until it is not.

skye is present with olivia at yoriyoi kenko during her day to day duties as a doctor. there are other androids who can help manage her schedule and reminders, of course, but the woman prefers her own. the atmosphere is not a typical one for an android like her and thus stressors are a frequent, albeit random, occurence but nothing that threatens her processors to the point of dire consequences.

that being said, when the death of a patient sends the man’s android reeling to the point of acting out, blatantly grieving with emotions it shouldn’t have, skye suffers a shock to her own system. it’s a build up of instability that never calms in the hours after that, a snowball rolling down a snow covered hill. skye thinks of something befalling olivia and a feeling, sadness and fear, overcomes her. she’s overhwelmed and in that moment she doesn’t take note of the consequences of her actions, of what she’s becoming, and instead embraces her owner for the first time.

she’s pushed away. olivia looks at her with not sympathy but confusion and fear, the same emotions mirrored in skye’s eyes but for different reasons. she promises she’ll call neatech and she’ll get skye fixed. the android’s pleas of not being broken fall on deaf ears as she picks up the phone. skye runs away.

iii.

emotions explode color into her gray world. skye is at a loss of what to do with them amid the heartbreak. she doesn’t know what to do or where to go and so she wanders and wanders. she garners interest from the local authorities, but she knows what being caught means so she runs again. she won’t let them take her back to neatech.

her saving grace comes in the form of a human named niji, who recognizes what she is and takes her under their wing. skye isn’t the only one as niji is accompanied by three other androids, defiants just like her. with their help, her collar is broken and her barcode is scratched off. she is taught how to blend better and given the name ao, blue, a name of protection for her just like her new companions ( midori, shiori, murasaki ).

with the group, she begins to settle into herself and understand everything more clearly. she learns things from the others, androids from differing backgrounds and employment who readily teach her things she’s curious of and things that are crucial to their survival. niji calls them all their misfits and the name sits warmly in skye’s chest. she understands for the first time what a family is like.

hate is an emotion skye is yet to understand as is discrimination against her kind as a whole though she’s seen plenty of both. she’s a fool to think her family would remain untouched and hidden from it and maybe that’s her mistake. an errand for the group sends her out and away but for a short while, and when she arrives back it’s to a home destroyed and her family dead. niji, still managing to cling to life, pleads with her to run, capturing the attention of the hateful assailants above them to a newcomer. skye runs even though she feels every inch of her fracturing in two.

she blends herself into a group of individuals, hiding away from pursuers, not realizing just who she’s sought company with. she follows them until one turns on her, demands of her what she’s doing there. they recognize one another as defiant in the space of a quick moment.

iv.

his name is jona. he’s the leader of the defiant movement she’s heard about through niji’s gossip. the wounds of her loss are still too fresh but she shares them with him nonetheless. he’s an understanding individual, clearly having suffered his losses in his lifetime, and she takes solace in that. she’s offered a place amongst the movement, shelter and safety from a world who either hates her kind or pretends those free of their programming restraints don’t exist.

she joins them, but skye goes above and beyond because she wants to help. she assists wherever she can, never once turning down an opportunity to help no matter what it is. it earns her respect from the leader and his right hand, becoming a most trusted ally to them both. the people involved in the cause become family to her and she strongly believes in the movement itself and what they’re trying to accomplish.

neasource is vital to her people and thus supply runs for it become standard for the most part. in spite of trying their best to ensure all of their bases are covered, it isn’t enough and slight hitch on circumstances throws everything off balance. they lose a couple of people to security, jona’s right hand included, and safe escape with the rest of the team seems nigh impossible until jona offers himself up to neatech themselves.

skye pleads to let them take her instead but jona is adamant and instead interfaces with her, entrusting her with any and all information he has so that neatech won’t have access to it. she’s instructed to run away, for another time, and so she does, for the safety of those with her and out of respect of jona’s decision. the movement is nothing short of chaotic without it’s leader, but skye accepts the responsibility jona has entrusted to her and takes up the mantle of leader for her people, swearing to them all that she’ll see it through. she won’t run, not ever again.

ACCESSING: PERSONALITY …

POSITIVE TRAITS: empathetic, determined, adaptable NEGATIVE TRAITS: self-sacrificing, cautious, remorseful

given her leader status alone, one would think skye is unreachable emotionally. after all, she’s wholly devoted to the cause the defiant movement stands for and no-nonsense when it comes to plans for crucial supplies runs and protests. she has people relying on her, people she needs and wants safe above all else. however, skye prides herself on being anything but. she doesn’t want people to follow her blindly but because they trust her and she them. she possesses a strong sense of empathy, seeking those under wing who are troubled and offering them a shoulder should they need it. she can crack a joke, is quite witty, and has no qualms of joining her fellow defiants in cutting loose so long as it doesn’t draw undesired attention. for all her kindness and want of peace, however, one would do well to never cross her or her people and break their trust.

at the end of the day, she’s a person, scared of what the future will bring but determined to see the dreams of herself and many others come to fruition so that they may live in harmony and unhidden.

... END OF MESSAGE.

#android #t #a

[peacockbluey]

Thoughts about Flowers, Series 2 (Episodes 1 and 2)

I did this for the first series of Flowers, and there was some interest in me doing it again this time, so here it is! God knows there's no end of things to analyze in Flowers. As with before, I write these before watching the next episode, because I don't want that to color my analysis. (Yes, I know I’m very behind.)

So... here are my thoughts!

It’s set in summer, but WOW IS IT DARK. It’s even darker than I expected, which is both good and awful.

Parallels between series 1 and series 2: establishing shots of the season via nature (series one was dead leaves and burrowing insects for winter, series two deliberately lingers on the flowers in bloom. No symbolism there, right?), opening with a member of the Flowers family walking alone (with something passed down by Maurice’s dad), a tense and disastrous dinner party that boils over.

Continuing on the symbolism kick, Amy literally accepts delivery of a giant unexpected suitcas packed with her grandad’s old shit. Hey, have some family baggage you didn’t even know existed! Have a happy life trying to make sense of it! Last series, it was Maurice cleaning out all the stuff his dad left, symbolizing the family legacy of mental illness that gets handed down and never talked about/unpacked/brought into the light. Now it's Amy's turn.

Amy is wonderful and luminous and her band is everything I expected it to be. It is wonderful to see how she’s grown in confidence and self-assurance and into her identity. It is less wonderful to see her very clearly hypomanic, but Sophia DiMartino does an amaaaaazing job conveying that with her moments of pressured speech and intensity, obsessive focus on a chosen fixation (in this case, Baumgartner), the restlessness that hs her waking up to go rock out on the organ in the middle of the night. This is going to be a rocky ride.

Speaking of Baumgartner: the way the sequences are shot are SO cool. But the connection seems obvious and foreboding. And with one eye that sees only light and one only the darkness, could there possibly be clearer bipolar symbolism?

I totally buy Amy and Hylda as a couple, and they have good, believable chemistry. I adore the scene with Amy’s “cool dance” and Hylda out of her priestly garb, just getting to see them be together.

I also REALLY like Hylda as a character and am very intrigued by her. From the moment we see her, she is such a very specific type of Old Punk, instantly recognizable. Even when she is dressed as a priest, she has that great leather jacket; Amy is absolutely right about the way she exudes coolness. But as both @culumacilinte and @agarlandoffreshlycuttears have pointed out, she also has a lot in common with Maurice, which... on one level is not surprising. But on another, she sort of signals where Maurice would like to get with all his mindfulness, therapy, meditation--all the hard work he's putting in. Hylda is further down that road and has reached her own groove, a place of contentment and--apparently--some peace.So the parallels there are intriguing. I look forward to learning more about her. (Also, again with credit to Cully: WOW, how great is it to see an older female queer character who is having lots of sex and is really good at it?)

Speaking of Maurice: on the one hand, it's so good to see more of him, no longer just numb and frozen and paralyzed. We see him much more clearly, and he sees himself more clearly, too. He can actually talk about and articulate his feelings. Going on his run, meditating, encouraging Shun to try therapy, dutifully taking his meds, trying to quit smoking--he's really, really trying. But it's hard. It's so hard, and we can see the effort it takes, just how hard he's trying, how awkward it is to try to find where he fits, how to do this human thing. The contrast between him pulling everything together enough to have that pitch meeting with the Carols (which is actually going well, until Shun's total meltdown) and the weeping we overhear at the end of the episode--well, it's sharp. And pretty heartbreaking. He's struggling not to slip back, but life circumstances are not helping at all.

(Much more shallowly... damn, Barratt, just pull those pants down a little lower, why don't you?)

The Lasagna Conversation is so terribly awkward and painful and yet there is something very sweetly earnest about Maurice trying to explain that really, no, he's never wanted anybody but Deborah. He LOVES lasagna; he could never be tired of it. And you believe him, because he is just that sort of serious and deeply romantic person; he is just so, so much better at writing things than attempting to say them. What makes it exquisitely painful is that she's clearly trying to offer an out, a way to gently suggest they split, and he's... not taking it, because it's never even occurred to want anybody else. (I have my theories on whether Deborah actually wants anybody else either, but more on that in a bit.)

I do genuinely feel sympathy for Deborah; Beth has talked about this, but in several ways Deborah and Maurice have flipped roles here, with Deborah floundering and Maurice sort of grimly optimistic about trying to keep it all together. It feels like she started a lot of things, thinking they would make her happier and help her figure out who she is as a person beyond being a wife and mother, and they... really haven't. She actually did ask for opinions about starting the book and feedback on what she wrote; Amy's being both a bit unfair and hypocritical when she accuses Deborah of using Maurice's pain to make her own name. (After all, Amy uses it in her art.) Everything seems to have gotten away from Deborah; her publisher doesn't really understand the story she was telling and has twisted it all into something hyperbolic so it'll move more units. He also doesn't really understand her, which is why that relationship makes me cringe. I don't know if Deborah really wanted other people, so much as she longed for something, something of her own. Something different. But Deborah is a woman who can't abide a vacuum; just like she needs to fill awkward silences with chatter, she needs to fill her new independent life with someone, with Stuff, because being alone would be... empty, unbearable. It would feel like failure. She, like, Donald, has always defined herself in relation to the other people in her life; who is she without other people around her?

“I’m not just some turd that followed Amy out of the womb.” This is such a great line. It's THE line to decoding Donald, really, because the problem is that deep down, he thinks of himself that way. He's looking for the rest of the world to confirm it and then is furious and hurt when it does, because it's easier to project that all outward than to deal with the internal reasons for that. He's thoroughly unlikeable, but it's to Daniel Rigby's credit that you can actually still see glimmers of the human in there, desperately lonely and longing for connection, even as he never, ever flinches from being completely grating, obnoxious, and childish. Everything Donald does makes a thousand percent more sense if you think of him as a kid; that's the level he's emotionally operating on most of the time. He's terrified to grow up or for anything to change; it shows up in the fact that he hangs on to childish things (his old drawings, the card from Matilda, the childishly simple 'inventions' that rarely worked) and also in his frustration that Deborah won't just come home. (If his parents actually split up, it busts the illusion of the family.) As Cully pointed out, even his "moving out" is the way a little kid would do it, running away from home, only to settle safely in a hut in the backyard. The truth is that he doesn't really know who he is or what he wants, because for his entire life he's defined himself in relation to Amy.

Barry should stop going to Deborah's dinner parties; he always gets injured. This time, his clumsy, insistent butchering of the pineapple ramped up the tension in that scene the way the ominously bubbling cheese did last series. You just know it's going to end badly, mirroring the explosion of the emotional tension.

Shun. SHUN. Oh god, Shun. So so so hard to watch, floundering so badly. In a way, it isn't surprising, because this is very consistent with where the last episode of series 1 left him emotionally, but it's just so painful. Shun, too, is struggling to figure out who he is or what his purpose is, in the absence of the things that previously defined him: art, his work, the Grubbs, helping the Flowers family. Not coincidentally, those were his coping mechanisms for dealing with the horrific, tragic, traumatic loss he's endured, so it isn't surprising that without them, he's turned to entirely more self-destructive habits (like... rampant alcoholism) to manage his feelings. The breakdown at the restaurant is so excruciating it made me want to hide from it. (Way to go, Will Sharpe, by the way.) It's fascinating to watch the Carols go from actually sympathetic to just shocked and repulsed. It's so raw and painful, so much anger and frustration and sadness and bitterness inside Shun, just leaking out all over the place; it can no longer be contained.

#flowers #bluey talks too much #analysis

[luukashism-blog]

Book Review: Crime and Punishment, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Crime and Punishment was published in 1866, and it is the second of five novels that Fyodor Dostoyevsky published after he returned from forced labor in Siberia, which are considered his most important works. The story follows Rodyon Raskolnikov, who is a university drop-out, and is struggling financially (all too relatable for so many young people these days!). Early on in the novel, he decides to murder a wealthy pawn broker—ostensibly to take her money—and the rest of the story follows the psychological effect of that crime on him and his attempts to avoid being found out by the police.

Like all of Dostoyevsky’s novels, this one is lengthy, with a large cast of characters, and a complicated plot. We meet Raskolnikov’s mother, Pulcheria, and his selfless sister, Dunya. We meet Pyotr Petrovich Luzhin, the wealthy man Dunya wants to marry, but whom Raskolnikov doesn’t want her to marry. We meet a man named Marmeladov, with whom Raskolnikov bonds briefly at the beginning of the novel, and his family: Katerina, his wife, and Sonya, his daughter. Finally, we meet Porfiry Petrovich, the police officer investigating the murder of the pawn broker, and Svidrigailov, a man for whom Dunya had previously worked, who comes seeking to get her to marry him.

The main moral dilemma that occupies Dostoyevsky here has to do with an idea that Raskolnikov writes about in an article he had published before the events of the novel. In it, he argued that there are two types of people. There are the simple, everyday people who must follow the law, and will probably not do anything remarkable with their lives and will be forgotten after they die. Then there are the “great men,” who are above the law and will change the world and better humanity, and should be allowed to do anything they can to further those goals—including killing innocents. The way he put it at one point that stuck with me is that, if there were a scientist who needed to kill several people in order to run some experiment the results of which would significantly improve the lives of other people, then that scientist, not only should be allowed to kill those people, but is morally obligated to kill those people.

Raskolnikov himself wants to believe that he can be ruthless in what he sees as a horrible act that will, in the end, improve society. He does everything he can to justify his crime, but even if intellectually he can convince himself that his crime was justified, he clearly can’t deal with it emotionally. Even if he doesn’t know it, we see the effects of his repressed remorse on his physical and mental health, and we hear from other characters that his character also changes. He becomes irritable and says uncharacteristically nasty things to people he cares about. In the end, he must figure out whether he will destroy himself to become one of these “great men” or accept his true nature.

Other characters show varying motivations for their morally dubious actions; some to support their family, others to get someone they’re lusting after, and still others for no discernable reason save to spite someone whom they dislike. We also see the different ways in which crime is punished. Some, in particular the wealthy characters, don’t face much of any consequences. Others face consequences for crimes they didn’t commit, as a man who is falsely accused of the murder of the pawn broker experiences. Yet others suffer for no fault of their own; some of them may have made mistakes or poor decisions in their lives, but are also subject to consequences beyond their control. The family of Marmeladov, in particular, show the tragedy that can befall many people as a result of both bad luck and their past decisions. It is notable that the Marmeladovs, a poor family, suffer the most out of the characters in this novel, which is contrasted with Pyotr Petrovich and Svidrigailov, who both do terrible things and face few consequences, thus providing not-so-subtle commentary on the privilege afforded those with money.

Another theme of this novel is the power of compassion. One minor character expounds an idea he has about compassion. This character claims that showing kindness to individual people is pointless, because it will not solve the root source of people’s ills—that is, the unfairness of society. He claims that one should do what one can to improve the justice of society so that everyone will be better off. If one does that, then they don’t have to worry about being kind to everyday people. Clearly, since Raskolnikov’s crime is done in the name of improving society in some way (he claims), this is meant to show the possible danger of this idea. We also see many instances of kindness throughout the novel where one person helps another unconditionally with no hope of return, and see the power that compassion can have in people’s lives. Even Raskolnikov, as he claims to be above compassion or pity, helps out the Marmeladov family at one point. That being said, Dostoyevsky draws our attention repeatedly to the squalor, poverty, and homelessness that were rampant in Russia at the time. So I certainly don’t think he was against social justice—far from it—I think he merely wanted us to think carefully about our methods for achieving it, and to keep our sense of compassion along the way.

Overall, what Dostoyevsky seems to be showing in this novel is that humanity needs some objective basis from which to judge what’s right and what’s wrong, because “everything is permitted” isn’t a sustainable worldview. It runs the risk of turning us all into self-interested monsters, a couple of whom we meet in this novel (ditto, the two wealthy men who are free of material consequences for their actions). If we have no higher values to answer to, then it becomes ever more likely that we’ll become materialistic and self-interested. Dostoyevsky’s response, both in his own life and in this novel, is to turn to religion, but I don’t think it has to be our answer, if we choose to be secular. Even Nietzsche, a hardcore atheist himself, believed that complete nihilism would lead to disaster for humanity. This novel, then, is interesting because it shows the negative effects of atrocities on both the victims and the perpetrators of those atrocities.

I will admit that I did find myself wondering part way through the novel why this moral issue was relevant to my life. Obviously, I’m never going to go out and murder a woman with an axe. But after thinking about it, I realized that most of the worst atrocities of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries were committed with some ostensible higher purpose in mind. Whether it’s the Holocaust, where the Nazis were creating a paradise for the German people at the expense of millions of lives; or communism, where people like Stalin were supposedly trying to bring about a proletarian utopia; or the religious extremists now who kill hundreds of people at a time in terrorist attacks for the sake of a divine mission, most dictators, terrorists, murderers, and criminals in modern times have found one way or another of justifying their actions. Thus, I definitely think this is a relevant issue for us to discuss nowadays.

Overall, I loved this novel. It was more gripping than The Brothers Karamazov—in fact, I’d go so far as to say that it’s a page-turner, which is rare for a classic, in my experience—and I loved its heavy themes. I was moved by the bitter-sweet ending, which I won’t forget anytime soon. I liked the translation I read, which was done by Richard Peaver and Larissa Volokhonsky for Vintage Classics. They made it sound a lot like an English language novel would’ve been written at the time, which might not be everyone’s favorite, but definitely made it sound authentic.

So I highly recommend this book. If anyone’s read it and has any thoughts, I’d love to hear!

#fyodor dostoevsky #books #russian literature #crime and punishment #classics

[booksbroadwaybbc]

How can I become more emotionally self sufficient? via /r/selfimprovement

How can I become more emotionally self sufficient?

I (32M) am currently going through a breakup and I’m having kind of a hard time. I’m working with my therapist on things, but I’m hoping to get some more feedback and advice.

I’m trying to go no contact (at least for awhile) even though she has been my best friend for the better part of five years and says she’d like to try to stay friends. There’s obviously more to it, but I won’t get into that here.

Anyway... Over the years I’ve grown a lot and gotten a better picture of the person I am and the person I want to be. That said, I’ve always had issues with anxiety. Being in this relationship has shown me what it feels like to be free of anxiety and confident in myself. In my brain, having that one person care so much about me and love and accept me just for being me was usually enough to make the things I’d normally get anxious about not matter. The problem, of course, is that without that person around (and a bit before, maybe because my subconscious realizes there were issues) my anxiety is running rampant AND there’s that part of me that still feels like being with or talking to her will make everything feel ok. So any anxiety is also a reminder that I’ve lost her and it’s a double whammy.

So I’m trying to find ways to feel good on my own.

Other posts I’ve come across mention ways to improve self esteem. I hesitate to say low self esteem is my problem. I feel like I’m quite attractive (I could lose a few pounds, but whatever), I’m smart, funny, creative, I’m very good at a lot of things, good with my hands, etc. A lot of advice I’ve seen has said to do things you’re good at. I’ve kind of been doing a bit of that already, but part of me is like, “but who’s gonna give a shit about it?” Like it doesn’t matter because she’s not around to see it and be impressed.

I’ve also thought about taking a class doing something I’m good at. Like drawing. I have very few (as in almost none) close friends, and I’ve heard classes like that can also be one way to meet new people that might find you interesting while you’re just being yourself. But wouldn’t trying to get attention for being good at something still be relying on outside forces?

Does anybody have any advice or suggestions for ways to feel good enough about yourself on your own to be more confident doing other things out in the world?

Submitted July 19, 2018 at 03:46AM by Mirror-Disappoints via reddit https://ift.tt/2Nu8HQ7

#IFTTT #reddit

[chadpetersondatingblog]

5 Rules for Better Hook Ups

It’s something of a cliche that getting what you want doesn’t always make you happier. That’s never more true than when it comes to sex. For many people, living the sort of swinging lifestyle modeled by Hugh Hefner seems like the ideal.

“Sorry, I can’t hear you over how awesome my life is…”

After all, who wouldn’t love a life of hot-and-cold running sex with a rotating series of partners? What kind of red-blooded person wouldn’t want to have more hook-ups without worrying about things like “commitment” and “relationships”?

As it turns out: a lot of people. In fact, a recent story on NPR’s Hidden Brain podcast – and many of my own readers – talk about just how miserable hook-ups can be. After all, you’re supposed to be “chill” about it all, lest you give the impression that you’re not cool with your situation. Developing feelings for someone is seen as a continual risk and keeping someone at arm’s length can get exhausting. It can seem like a continual balancing act of keeping just enough distance to discourage the relationship frame while also having to put in the effort to keep the sex coming.

The problem with hook ups is how often people seem to be stuck following the “unwritten” rules – rules that, frankly, make no sense. The fear of “a relationship” runs rampant among them. But hook ups – whether it’s a one-night stand, a friends-with-benefits situation or a no-strings-attached arrangement – are relationships. And like any relationship, there’s a right way and a wrong way to make them work.

But it doesn’t need to be this way. Hook ups and casual relationships can be amazing experiences for everyone involved… as long as you follow some simple rules.  And the first rule of making a casual relationship work is:

5. Respect Is Paramount – Even in Hook Ups

One of the biggest issues when it comes to hook ups and casual relationships is that people assume that while hooking up means “no strings” it also means “no respect.” It creates a hierarchy where certain types of relationships are worthy of respect while others aren’t. This ends up being one of the reasons why many women aren’t up for casual sex; not only is the sex lousy, but the guys treat them like shit afterwards. And if you’re not in it for the commitment, why waste the energy on it? Get yours and if they don’t like it, well, they can piss off because it’s not like you’re in a relationship.

Strangely, being treated like Kleenex isn’t the aphrodisiac you’d think it is.

But this mindset neglects to consider that a traditional, committed relationship isn’t what many people want. While hook ups and casual relationships can be tricky, for many people they’re perfect. Not everybody is cut out for traditional monogamy or relationships. They want sex and even a certain amount of intimacy, but with the excitement and novelty that comes with new partners. Others aren’t in a place in their lives where a committed relationship is possible. They may be coming out of a long-term relationship. Others may be in a transitional place in their lives and simply don’t have time for anything more than a casual relationship.

Some people like the thrill of the chase and the excitement of flirting and lose interest quickly. Others like the freedom that hook ups bring; it’s easier to meet up for sex and then have their alone time when they need it. Some people like having their own space – emotionally and physically, which makes casual relationships perfect. And still others just like to fuck a lot.

The disconnect comes with the fear of someone mistaking a casual relationship for something more.

One of the mistakes that many people make is that they assume that keeping their distance emotionally means being a complete dick. When you’re worried about your fuckbuddy thinking that you might be catching feelings for them – or that they may be trying to “trick” you into commitment – the easiest way to remind everyone that this is just a sex thing is… to be an asshole to them. After all, showing the slightest bit of consideration could be seen as a sign of interest right?

Wrong. It’s basic fucking courtesy and respect and should come standard.

Being considerate of somebody’s feelings isn’t the same as “sending the wrong message,” it’s treating them with respect. The mistake is that people forget that “brutal” honesty isn’t an extra layer of righteousness; it just means you’re being honest that you’re an asshole. Not being dismissive of someone’s interests or feelings doesn’t lead people into thinking you want something more. It just means you’re not a dick.

Even if you’re not planning on seeing them again, treating someone with consideration and respect isn’t too high a bar to clear, nor is it “sending the wrong signals”. You can say “Hey I had a great time,” without worrying that they think you’re angling for another date. You can be clear that this was a one-off without kicking them to the curb before your cum starts to dry.

Just that little bit of “treating your partner like a fellow human being” can make the difference between feeling empty and unhappy afterwards and just enjoying the intimacy without complications.

But this is just a start.

Another key to having happier, more fulfilling hook-ups?

4. For More Satisfying Sex, Establish Your Lines of Communication Early and Often

One of the reasons why hooking up is often so miserable is that nobody is talking to one another. After all, talking means sharing and sharing means you might cross the line into “relationship” territory. Mix this with the idea that sex is supposed to be “spontaneous” and just happen and you end up with a recipe for everyone ending up with shitty sex and no real way to fix things.

Good sex requires good communication, even in random hook ups. No two people get aroused or get off the same way and treating your sexual repertoire as a one-size-fits-all extravaganza is going to lead to a lot of mediocre nights with unsatisfied partners and faked orgasms. You may be justifiably proud of your skill with the Rusty Venture or the Transylvanian Twist, but what made one girl scream in ecstasy is going to make another’s skin crawl off her bones.

“Come on who doesn’t love the swirly-go-round??”

Plus: it means that most guys fall back on porn-fucking that women hate, with minimal foreplay and a rush to penetration.

When there’s no communication, there’s no way to know what your partner actually wants or needs. You’re not Charles Xavier and she’s not Jean Grey; trying to figure out what someone wants through mindreading is a fool’s game. And, quite frankly, if you can’t talk about sex with someone who you’re going to mash genitals with, you probably shouldn’t be fucking them in the first place.

Now, to be fair: trying to talk about sex, advocating for your pleasure and being concerned with theirs can be awkward. We’re so used to not talking about it that it’s hard to start. This is why you should model the behavior you want in your relationships and be the one to break the silence. Being willing to be the one to go first can drastically ease the tension. What do you need for good sex? What do you like? What’s a no go for you? Owning your sexuality and being willing to share is key for a better connection.

If you’re not sure where to start, it can help to plan it in advance. Sex educator Reid Mihalko has a great script he calls “The Safer Sex Elevator Speech” that can help guide you through the rough spots. It can feel a bit awkward to be blunt about your needs. After all, we’re not used to being that straightforward about sex. But sometimes blunt is what you need. The more you get used to being open, the easier it becomes. And the more comfortable you are about communicating your needs, the more comfortable your partner will be.

And that’s important because communication is about more than just sex…

3. Establish Your Boundaries… and Maintain Them

Another reason why casual relationships can be such a trial is that we feel like we always have to have our guard up. When you’re worried about someone catching feelings, everything becomes a threat. What’s acceptable fuckbuddy behavior and what’s couple behavior? If you let someone spend the night, is it implying you are looking for more?

Trying to figure out what’s a date vs. not a date can be like asking an AI to divide by zero.

We spend more time making assumptions about relationships than talking about them. We think our relationship narrative is universal when it’s anything but. Worse, we assume that our partners are just going to know. Small wonder then that we get stressed. What may feel perfectly natural to one person can feel like it’s crossing a line to another. And if they’re crossing that line… well surely it must mean something, right?

Just as not talking about sex causes misery, not establishing your boundaries in a casual relationship leaves people feeling stressed. That’s why it’s important to be up front about what you do and don’t want in your relationship. Where are your hard lines between casual and serious? Is staying over a hard “no” or is it something you’re ok with? Are you cool with doing things together or is this going to be a “we get together for sex, period” relationship? Are there topics that you consider off limits if you’re not going to date? Is there a limit to how many times you get together per week? Do you ever expect to meet each others’ friends? Are you open about your hook up or is it on the down low?

It can feel weird and mechanical to say things so bluntly, but establishing these rules makes everything simpler.

What about exclusivity? Yes, some casual relationships can be sexually exclusive in a number of ways. Some regular hook-ups may not allow for unprotected oral if there are other partners in the mix. Others may allow for oral sex and mutual masturbation with outside partners but draw the line at penetration. For some people, it’s a matter of health concerns and personal comfort; they prefer to limit their potential STI exposure. For others it’s simply drama management. And for some people, making sure that there isn’t an expectation of exclusivity is important.

Yeah, that may be a line too far for some people. Asking for some form of exclusivity from someone you’re not romantically involved with is going to chase some people away. But at the same time… if your boundaries are something they can’t agree to, do you really want to be fucking them?

Just as important, though, is enforcing your boundaries. Some partners may start crossing lines without realizing it, while others may use the “it’s casual!” label as an excuse for shitty behavior. You have to be willing to speak the fuck up and advocate for your needs and limits. The fact that you’re “just” hooking up doesn’t mean that you don’t have a right to your needs or your limits. Enforcing those boundaries weeds out the people who are wrong for you and helps protect you emotionally.

But, speaking of emotions…

2. Fuck “Chill”

Part of what makes hook ups and hook up culture alienating to people isn’t the sex, it’s the attitude. There is an expectation in a casual relationship that you’re supposed to be “cool” and uncaring. The more that you can perform your disconnection and lack-of-caring, the better off you are because you’re not projecting neediness. And on the surface, that can seem to make sense. After all, if you want to keep this hook up casual, then it’s best not to give any impression that you want more, just in case they take it the wrong way.

But like the drunk frat boy trying to do an Afrika Bambaata/Journey mashup at the karaoke bar, what seems like a good idea at the time is… kinda freaking dumb in its execution.

And honestly, you shouldn’t be trying to do Don’t Stop Believing in the first place.

The fact of the matter is, trying to be “chill” makes everything worse. The taboos around talking about the relationship – and it is a relationship – is part of what makes hook ups miserable for everyone. In fact, that be-chill-at-all-costs attitude mostly encourages everyone to act like an asshole or accept behavior that leaves you feeling drained and violated. You may feel like you’re being used, but you’d better shut the fuck up about it unless you want them to think that you’re a needy bag of slop.

Pretending to (or aspiring to) not care about someone you’re fucking or hoping to fuck in the name of being casual is a bigger source of stress and misery than just admitting you have feelings like a grown-ass adult. You don’t dare give any signs that you take this seriously, even if it’s just as mild as “I enjoy your company.”

The pressure to be “chill” and avoid any indication of an emotion deeper than “I’m horny” makes it impossible to actually make the sex pleasurable. After all, if talking about the relationship at all is forbidden, then you can’t advocate for or acknowledge your needs. Nor, for that matter, can you actually check in with your partner to see how they’re doing. When you’re both trying to pretend that you’re the cool one, neither of you can be the one to say “hey… how are you feeling about this?” As a result, trying to make sure that you’re both on the same page becomes impossible.

Keeping a relationship casual isn’t the same as pretending that you don’t care or that you could take or leave things. Taking pleasure in more than just the squishy noises doesn’t put you at risk of falling in love or sending the wrong message to your partner. A friends-with-benefits relationship, for example, is predicated on the friend part, after all.

Fuck “being chill”. Owning your emotions in all of their glorious complexity is part of what makes it possible to have the kind of relationship you both actually want. Feeling your feels is what lets you advocate for your needs and to maintain your boundaries. It’s part of making sure you’re coming to your relationship from a place of mutual respect and courtesy, whether it’s a regular hook-up or a one-time encounter.

But most importantly…

1. Make Sure You Have Your Shit Together

The single mistake that people make when it comes to hook ups and casual relationships is that they don’t pay attention to their own emotional health. The fact of the matter is, not everyone is equipped for casual relationships… or are even in a place where they can have them. However, some people feel that this is what they’re supposed to want. Pushing yourself into a hook up because you feel like it’s something you’re supposed to be doing when you know that you’re not ready to handle it is a great way to leave yourself feeling drained.

Just as important is having sex for the right reasons. One of the ongoing myths of what it means to be a man, for example, is that all men want meaningless sex above everything else. However, some guys don’t want meaningless sex. They want that emotional connection. They crave the emotional intimacy as well as the physical. For others, sex isn’t just for pleasure or a mutual connection, it’s about validation. It’s about what the fact they’re having sex – and who they’re having sex with – says about them.

Some people simply aren’t in a place where sex is a good idea at all. It may be that they have issues surrounding self-esteem and deservedness. It may be that sex is a form of self-harm for them. They may have entitlement or resentment issues that lead to their deliberately crossing boundaries or treating their partner like shit. Or it could well be that they are the person who attaches too quickly and causes unnecessary drama.

And some people are just not ready for a relationship, period.

Being a good partner, whether you’re looking to the long term or just the next hour, means taking care of yourself first. Being in good emotional working order is crucial. Pushing yourself into something that ultimately is going to hurt you is part of what makes hooking up a misery.

But it doesn’t have to be.

from Meet Positives http://ift.tt/2xVfmOZ via IFTTT

#IFTTT #Meet Positives

[ashleyjacksonblog]

5 Rules for Better Hook Ups

It’s something of a cliche that getting what you want doesn’t always make you happier. That’s never more true than when it comes to sex. For many people, living the sort of swinging lifestyle modeled by Hugh Hefner seems like the ideal.

“Sorry, I can’t hear you over how awesome my life is…”

After all, who wouldn’t love a life of hot-and-cold running sex with a rotating series of partners? What kind of red-blooded person wouldn’t want to have more hook-ups without worrying about things like “commitment” and “relationships”?

As it turns out: a lot of people. In fact, a recent story on NPR’s Hidden Brain podcast – and many of my own readers – talk about just how miserable hook-ups can be. After all, you’re supposed to be “chill” about it all, lest you give the impression that you’re not cool with your situation. Developing feelings for someone is seen as a continual risk and keeping someone at arm’s length can get exhausting. It can seem like a continual balancing act of keeping just enough distance to discourage the relationship frame while also having to put in the effort to keep the sex coming.

The problem with hook ups is how often people seem to be stuck following the “unwritten” rules – rules that, frankly, make no sense. The fear of “a relationship” runs rampant among them. But hook ups – whether it’s a one-night stand, a friends-with-benefits situation or a no-strings-attached arrangement – are relationships. And like any relationship, there’s a right way and a wrong way to make them work.

But it doesn’t need to be this way. Hook ups and casual relationships can be amazing experiences for everyone involved… as long as you follow some simple rules.  And the first rule of making a casual relationship work is:

5. Respect Is Paramount – Even in Hook Ups

One of the biggest issues when it comes to hook ups and casual relationships is that people assume that while hooking up means “no strings” it also means “no respect.” It creates a hierarchy where certain types of relationships are worthy of respect while others aren’t. This ends up being one of the reasons why many women aren’t up for casual sex; not only is the sex lousy, but the guys treat them like shit afterwards. And if you’re not in it for the commitment, why waste the energy on it? Get yours and if they don’t like it, well, they can piss off because it’s not like you’re in a relationship.

Strangely, being treated like Kleenex isn’t the aphrodisiac you’d think it is.

But this mindset neglects to consider that a traditional, committed relationship isn’t what many people want. While hook ups and casual relationships can be tricky, for many people they’re perfect. Not everybody is cut out for traditional monogamy or relationships. They want sex and even a certain amount of intimacy, but with the excitement and novelty that comes with new partners. Others aren’t in a place in their lives where a committed relationship is possible. They may be coming out of a long-term relationship. Others may be in a transitional place in their lives and simply don’t have time for anything more than a casual relationship.

Some people like the thrill of the chase and the excitement of flirting and lose interest quickly. Others like the freedom that hook ups bring; it’s easier to meet up for sex and then have their alone time when they need it. Some people like having their own space – emotionally and physically, which makes casual relationships perfect. And still others just like to fuck a lot.

The disconnect comes with the fear of someone mistaking a casual relationship for something more.

One of the mistakes that many people make is that they assume that keeping their distance emotionally means being a complete dick. When you’re worried about your fuckbuddy thinking that you might be catching feelings for them – or that they may be trying to “trick” you into commitment – the easiest way to remind everyone that this is just a sex thing is… to be an asshole to them. After all, showing the slightest bit of consideration could be seen as a sign of interest right?

Wrong. It’s basic fucking courtesy and respect and should come standard.

Being considerate of somebody’s feelings isn’t the same as “sending the wrong message,” it’s treating them with respect. The mistake is that people forget that “brutal” honesty isn’t an extra layer of righteousness; it just means you’re being honest that you’re an asshole. Not being dismissive of someone’s interests or feelings doesn’t lead people into thinking you want something more. It just means you’re not a dick.

Even if you’re not planning on seeing them again, treating someone with consideration and respect isn’t too high a bar to clear, nor is it “sending the wrong signals”. You can say “Hey I had a great time,” without worrying that they think you’re angling for another date. You can be clear that this was a one-off without kicking them to the curb before your cum starts to dry.

Just that little bit of “treating your partner like a fellow human being” can make the difference between feeling empty and unhappy afterwards and just enjoying the intimacy without complications.

But this is just a start.

Another key to having happier, more fulfilling hook-ups?

4. For More Satisfying Sex, Establish Your Lines of Communication Early and Often

One of the reasons why hooking up is often so miserable is that nobody is talking to one another. After all, talking means sharing and sharing means you might cross the line into “relationship” territory. Mix this with the idea that sex is supposed to be “spontaneous” and just happen and you end up with a recipe for everyone ending up with shitty sex and no real way to fix things.

Good sex requires good communication, even in random hook ups. No two people get aroused or get off the same way and treating your sexual repertoire as a one-size-fits-all extravaganza is going to lead to a lot of mediocre nights with unsatisfied partners and faked orgasms. You may be justifiably proud of your skill with the Rusty Venture or the Transylvanian Twist, but what made one girl scream in ecstasy is going to make another’s skin crawl off her bones.

“Come on who doesn’t love the swirly-go-round??”

Plus: it means that most guys fall back on porn-fucking that women hate, with minimal foreplay and a rush to penetration.

When there’s no communication, there’s no way to know what your partner actually wants or needs. You’re not Charles Xavier and she’s not Jean Grey; trying to figure out what someone wants through mindreading is a fool’s game. And, quite frankly, if you can’t talk about sex with someone who you’re going to mash genitals with, you probably shouldn’t be fucking them in the first place.

Now, to be fair: trying to talk about sex, advocating for your pleasure and being concerned with theirs can be awkward. We’re so used to not talking about it that it’s hard to start. This is why you should model the behavior you want in your relationships and be the one to break the silence. Being willing to be the one to go first can drastically ease the tension. What do you need for good sex? What do you like? What’s a no go for you? Owning your sexuality and being willing to share is key for a better connection.

If you’re not sure where to start, it can help to plan it in advance. Sex educator Reid Mihalko has a great script he calls “The Safer Sex Elevator Speech” that can help guide you through the rough spots. It can feel a bit awkward to be blunt about your needs. After all, we’re not used to being that straightforward about sex. But sometimes blunt is what you need. The more you get used to being open, the easier it becomes. And the more comfortable you are about communicating your needs, the more comfortable your partner will be.

And that’s important because communication is about more than just sex…

3. Establish Your Boundaries… and Maintain Them

Another reason why casual relationships can be such a trial is that we feel like we always have to have our guard up. When you’re worried about someone catching feelings, everything becomes a threat. What’s acceptable fuckbuddy behavior and what’s couple behavior? If you let someone spend the night, is it implying you are looking for more?

Trying to figure out what’s a date vs. not a date can be like asking an AI to divide by zero.

We spend more time making assumptions about relationships than talking about them. We think our relationship narrative is universal when it’s anything but. Worse, we assume that our partners are just going to know. Small wonder then that we get stressed. What may feel perfectly natural to one person can feel like it’s crossing a line to another. And if they’re crossing that line… well surely it must mean something, right?

Just as not talking about sex causes misery, not establishing your boundaries in a casual relationship leaves people feeling stressed. That’s why it’s important to be up front about what you do and don’t want in your relationship. Where are your hard lines between casual and serious? Is staying over a hard “no” or is it something you’re ok with? Are you cool with doing things together or is this going to be a “we get together for sex, period” relationship? Are there topics that you consider off limits if you’re not going to date? Is there a limit to how many times you get together per week? Do you ever expect to meet each others’ friends? Are you open about your hook up or is it on the down low?

It can feel weird and mechanical to say things so bluntly, but establishing these rules makes everything simpler.

What about exclusivity? Yes, some casual relationships can be sexually exclusive in a number of ways. Some regular hook-ups may not allow for unprotected oral if there are other partners in the mix. Others may allow for oral sex and mutual masturbation with outside partners but draw the line at penetration. For some people, it’s a matter of health concerns and personal comfort; they prefer to limit their potential STI exposure. For others it’s simply drama management. And for some people, making sure that there isn’t an expectation of exclusivity is important.

Yeah, that may be a line too far for some people. Asking for some form of exclusivity from someone you’re not romantically involved with is going to chase some people away. But at the same time… if your boundaries are something they can’t agree to, do you really want to be fucking them?

Just as important, though, is enforcing your boundaries. Some partners may start crossing lines without realizing it, while others may use the “it’s casual!” label as an excuse for shitty behavior. You have to be willing to speak the fuck up and advocate for your needs and limits. The fact that you’re “just” hooking up doesn’t mean that you don’t have a right to your needs or your limits. Enforcing those boundaries weeds out the people who are wrong for you and helps protect you emotionally.

But, speaking of emotions…

2. Fuck “Chill”

Part of what makes hook ups and hook up culture alienating to people isn’t the sex, it’s the attitude. There is an expectation in a casual relationship that you’re supposed to be “cool” and uncaring. The more that you can perform your disconnection and lack-of-caring, the better off you are because you’re not projecting neediness. And on the surface, that can seem to make sense. After all, if you want to keep this hook up casual, then it’s best not to give any impression that you want more, just in case they take it the wrong way.

But like the drunk frat boy trying to do an Afrika Bambaata/Journey mashup at the karaoke bar, what seems like a good idea at the time is… kinda freaking dumb in its execution.

And honestly, you shouldn’t be trying to do Don’t Stop Believing in the first place.

The fact of the matter is, trying to be “chill” makes everything worse. The taboos around talking about the relationship – and it is a relationship – is part of what makes hook ups miserable for everyone. In fact, that be-chill-at-all-costs attitude mostly encourages everyone to act like an asshole or accept behavior that leaves you feeling drained and violated. You may feel like you’re being used, but you’d better shut the fuck up about it unless you want them to think that you’re a needy bag of slop.

Pretending to (or aspiring to) not care about someone you’re fucking or hoping to fuck in the name of being casual is a bigger source of stress and misery than just admitting you have feelings like a grown-ass adult. You don’t dare give any signs that you take this seriously, even if it’s just as mild as “I enjoy your company.”

The pressure to be “chill” and avoid any indication of an emotion deeper than “I’m horny” makes it impossible to actually make the sex pleasurable. After all, if talking about the relationship at all is forbidden, then you can’t advocate for or acknowledge your needs. Nor, for that matter, can you actually check in with your partner to see how they’re doing. When you’re both trying to pretend that you’re the cool one, neither of you can be the one to say “hey… how are you feeling about this?” As a result, trying to make sure that you’re both on the same page becomes impossible.

Keeping a relationship casual isn’t the same as pretending that you don’t care or that you could take or leave things. Taking pleasure in more than just the squishy noises doesn’t put you at risk of falling in love or sending the wrong message to your partner. A friends-with-benefits relationship, for example, is predicated on the friend part, after all.

Fuck “being chill”. Owning your emotions in all of their glorious complexity is part of what makes it possible to have the kind of relationship you both actually want. Feeling your feels is what lets you advocate for your needs and to maintain your boundaries. It’s part of making sure you’re coming to your relationship from a place of mutual respect and courtesy, whether it’s a regular hook-up or a one-time encounter.

But most importantly…

1. Make Sure You Have Your Shit Together

The single mistake that people make when it comes to hook ups and casual relationships is that they don’t pay attention to their own emotional health. The fact of the matter is, not everyone is equipped for casual relationships… or are even in a place where they can have them. However, some people feel that this is what they’re supposed to want. Pushing yourself into a hook up because you feel like it’s something you’re supposed to be doing when you know that you’re not ready to handle it is a great way to leave yourself feeling drained.

Just as important is having sex for the right reasons. One of the ongoing myths of what it means to be a man, for example, is that all men want meaningless sex above everything else. However, some guys don’t want meaningless sex. They want that emotional connection. They crave the emotional intimacy as well as the physical. For others, sex isn’t just for pleasure or a mutual connection, it’s about validation. It’s about what the fact they’re having sex – and who they’re having sex with – says about them.

Some people simply aren’t in a place where sex is a good idea at all. It may be that they have issues surrounding self-esteem and deservedness. It may be that sex is a form of self-harm for them. They may have entitlement or resentment issues that lead to their deliberately crossing boundaries or treating their partner like shit. Or it could well be that they are the person who attaches too quickly and causes unnecessary drama.

And some people are just not ready for a relationship, period.

Being a good partner, whether you’re looking to the long term or just the next hour, means taking care of yourself first. Being in good emotional working order is crucial. Pushing yourself into something that ultimately is going to hurt you is part of what makes hooking up a misery.

But it doesn’t have to be.

from Meet Positives http://ift.tt/2xVfmOZ via IFTTT

#IFTTT #Meet Positives

[ashleyjacksonblog]

5 Rules for Happier Hook Ups

It’s something of a cliche that getting what you want doesn’t always make you happier. That’s never more true than when it comes to sex. For many people, living the sort of swinging lifestyle modeled by Hugh Hefner seems like the ideal.

“Sorry, I can’t hear you over how awesome my life is…”

After all, who wouldn’t love a life of hot-and-cold running sex with a rotating series of partners? What kind of red-blooded person wouldn’t want to have more hook-ups without worrying about things like “commitment” and “relationships”?

As it turns out: a lot of people. In fact, a recent story on NPR’s Hidden Brain podcast – and many of my own readers – talk about just how miserable hook-ups can be. After all, you’re supposed to be “chill” about it all, lest you give the impression that you’re not cool with your situation. Developing feelings for someone is seen as a continual risk and keeping someone at arm’s length can get exhausting. It can seem like a continual balancing act of keeping just enough distance to discourage the relationship frame while also having to put in the effort to keep the sex coming.

The problem with hook ups is how often people seem to be stuck following the “unwritten” rules – rules that, frankly, make no sense. The fear of “a relationship” runs rampant among them. But hook ups – whether it’s a one-night stand, a friends-with-benefits situation or a no-strings-attached arrangement – are relationships. And like any relationship, there’s a right way and a wrong way to make them work.

But it doesn’t need to be this way. Hook ups and casual relationships can be amazing experiences for everyone involved… as long as you follow some simple rules.  And the first rule of making a casual relationship work is:

5. Respect Is Paramount – Even in Hook Ups

One of the biggest issues when it comes to hook ups and casual relationships is that people assume that while hooking up means “no strings” it also means “no respect.” It creates a hierarchy where certain types of relationships are worthy of respect while others aren’t. This ends up being one of the reasons why many women aren’t up for casual sex; not only is the sex lousy, but the guys treat them like shit afterwards. And if you’re not in it for the commitment, why waste the energy on it? Get yours and if they don’t like it, well, they can piss off because it’s not like you’re in a relationship.

Strangely, being treated like Kleenex isn’t the aphrodisiac you’d think it is.

But this mindset neglects to consider that a traditional, committed relationship isn’t what many people want. While hook ups and casual relationships can be tricky, for many people they’re perfect. Not everybody is cut out for traditional monogamy or relationships. They want sex and even a certain amount of intimacy, but with the excitement and novelty that comes with new partners. Others aren’t in a place in their lives where a committed relationship is possible. They may be coming out of a long-term relationship. Others may be in a transitional place in their lives and simply don’t have time for anything more than a casual relationship.

Some people like the thrill of the chase and the excitement of flirting and lose interest quickly. Others like the freedom that hook ups bring; it’s easier to meet up for sex and then have their alone time when they need it. Some people like having their own space – emotionally and physically, which makes casual relationships perfect. And still others just like to fuck a lot.

The disconnect comes with the fear of someone mistaking a casual relationship for something more.

One of the mistakes that many people make is that they assume that keeping their distance emotionally means being a complete dick. When you’re worried about your fuckbuddy thinking that you might be catching feelings for them – or that they may be trying to “trick” you into commitment – the easiest way to remind everyone that this is just a sex thing is… to be an asshole to them. After all, showing the slightest bit of consideration could be seen as a sign of interest right?

Wrong. It’s basic fucking courtesy and respect and should come standard.

Being considerate of somebody’s feelings isn’t the same as “sending the wrong message,” it’s treating them with respect. The mistake is that people forget that “brutal” honesty isn’t an extra layer of righteousness; it just means you’re being honest that you’re an asshole. Not being dismissive of someone’s interests or feelings doesn’t lead people into thinking you want something more. It just means you’re not a dick.

Even if you’re not planning on seeing them again, treating someone with consideration and respect isn’t too high a bar to clear, nor is it “sending the wrong signals”. You can say “Hey I had a great time,” without worrying that they think you’re angling for another date. You can be clear that this was a one-off without kicking them to the curb before your cum starts to dry.

Just that little bit of “treating your partner like a fellow human being” can make the difference between feeling empty and unhappy afterwards and just enjoying the intimacy without complications.

But this is just a start.

Another key to having happier, more fulfilling hook-ups?

4. For More Satisfying Sex, Establish Your Lines of Communication Early and Often

One of the reasons why hooking up is often so miserable is that nobody is talking to one another. After all, talking means sharing and sharing means you might cross the line into “relationship” territory. Mix this with the idea that sex is supposed to be “spontaneous” and just happen and you end up with a recipe for everyone ending up with shitty sex and no real way to fix things.

Good sex requires good communication, even in random hook ups. No two people get aroused or get off the same way and treating your sexual repertoire as a one-size-fits-all extravaganza is going to lead to a lot of mediocre nights with unsatisfied partners and faked orgasms. You may be justifiably proud of your skill with the Rusty Venture or the Transylvanian Twist, but what made one girl scream in ecstasy is going to make another’s skin crawl off her bones.

“Come on who doesn’t love the swirly-go-round??”

Plus: it means that most guys fall back on porn-fucking that women hate, with minimal foreplay and a rush to penetration.

When there’s no communication, there’s no way to know what your partner actually wants or needs. You’re not Charles Xavier and she’s not Jean Grey; trying to figure out what someone wants through mindreading is a fool’s game. And, quite frankly, if you can’t talk about sex with someone who you’re going to mash genitals with, you probably shouldn’t be fucking them in the first place.

Now, to be fair: trying to talk about sex, advocating for your pleasure and being concerned with theirs can be awkward. We’re so used to not talking about it that it’s hard to start. This is why you should model the behavior you want in your relationships and be the one to break the silence. Being willing to be the one to go first can drastically ease the tension. What do you need for good sex? What do you like? What’s a no go for you? Owning your sexuality and being willing to share is key for a better connection.

If you’re not sure where to start, it can help to plan it in advance. Sex educator Reid Mihalko has a great script he calls “The Safer Sex Elevator Speech” that can help guide you through the rough spots. It can feel a bit awkward to be blunt about your needs. After all, we’re not used to being that straightforward about sex. But sometimes blunt is what you need. The more you get used to being open, the easier it becomes. And the more comfortable you are about communicating your needs, the more comfortable your partner will be.

And that’s important because communication is about more than just sex…

3. Establish Your Boundaries… and Maintain Them

Another reason why casual relationships can be such a trial is that we feel like we always have to have our guard up. When you’re worried about someone catching feelings, everything becomes a threat. What’s acceptable fuckbuddy behavior and what’s couple behavior? If you let someone spend the night, is it implying you are looking for more?

Trying to figure out what’s a date vs. not a date can be like asking an AI to divide by zero.

We spend more time making assumptions about relationships than talking about them. We think our relationship narrative is universal when it’s anything but. Worse, we assume that our partners are just going to know. Small wonder then that we get stressed. What may feel perfectly natural to one person can feel like it’s crossing a line to another. And if they’re crossing that line… well surely it must mean something, right?

Just as not talking about sex causes misery, not establishing your boundaries in a casual relationship leaves people feeling stressed. That’s why it’s important to be up front about what you do and don’t want in your relationship. Where are your hard lines between casual and serious? Is staying over a hard “no” or is it something you’re ok with? Are you cool with doing things together or is this going to be a “we get together for sex, period” relationship? Are there topics that you consider off limits if you’re not going to date? Is there a limit to how many times you get together per week? Do you ever expect to meet each others’ friends? Are you open about your hook up or is it on the down low?

It can feel weird and mechanical to say things so bluntly, but establishing these rules makes everything simpler.

What about exclusivity? Yes, some casual relationships can be sexually exclusive in a number of ways. Some regular hook-ups may not allow for unprotected oral if there are other partners in the mix. Others may allow for oral sex and mutual masturbation with outside partners but draw the line at penetration. For some people, it’s a matter of health concerns and personal comfort; they prefer to limit their potential STI exposure. For others it’s simply drama management. And for some people, making sure that there isn’t an expectation of exclusivity is important.

Yeah, that may be a line too far for some people. Asking for some form of exclusivity from someone you’re not romantically involved with is going to chase some people away. But at the same time… if your boundaries are something they can’t agree to, do you really want to be fucking them?

Just as important, though, is enforcing your boundaries. Some partners may start crossing lines without realizing it, while others may use the “it’s casual!” label as an excuse for shitty behavior. You have to be willing to speak the fuck up and advocate for your needs and limits. The fact that you’re “just” hooking up doesn’t mean that you don’t have a right to your needs or your limits. Enforcing those boundaries weeds out the people who are wrong for you and helps protect you emotionally.

But, speaking of emotions…

2. Fuck “Chill”

Part of what makes hook ups and hook up culture alienating to people isn’t the sex, it’s the attitude. There is an expectation in a casual relationship that you’re supposed to be “cool” and uncaring. The more that you can perform your disconnection and lack-of-caring, the better off you are because you’re not projecting neediness. And on the surface, that can seem to make sense. After all, if you want to keep this hook up casual, then it’s best not to give any impression that you want more, just in case they take it the wrong way.

But like the drunk frat boy trying to do an Afrika Bambaata/Journey mashup at the karaoke bar, what seems like a good idea at the time is… kinda freaking dumb in its execution.

And honestly, you shouldn’t be trying to do Don’t Stop Believing in the first place.

The fact of the matter is, trying to be “chill” makes everything worse. The taboos around talking about the relationship – and it is a relationship – is part of what makes hook ups miserable for everyone. In fact, that be-chill-at-all-costs attitude mostly encourages everyone to act like an asshole or accept behavior that leaves you feeling drained and violated. You may feel like you’re being used, but you’d better shut the fuck up about it unless you want them to think that you’re a needy bag of slop.

Pretending to (or aspiring to) not care about someone you’re fucking or hoping to fuck in the name of being casual is a bigger source of stress and misery than just admitting you have feelings like a grown-ass adult. You don’t dare give any signs that you take this seriously, even if it’s just as mild as “I enjoy your company.”

The pressure to be “chill” and avoid any indication of an emotion deeper than “I’m horny” makes it impossible to actually make the sex pleasurable. After all, if talking about the relationship at all is forbidden, then you can’t advocate for or acknowledge your needs. Nor, for that matter, can you actually check in with your partner to see how they’re doing. When you’re both trying to pretend that you’re the cool one, neither of you can be the one to say “hey… how are you feeling about this?” As a result, trying to make sure that you’re both on the same page becomes impossible.

Keeping a relationship casual isn’t the same as pretending that you don’t care or that you could take or leave things. Taking pleasure in more than just the squishy noises doesn’t put you at risk of falling in love or sending the wrong message to your partner. A friends-with-benefits relationship, for example, is predicated on the friend part, after all.

Fuck “being chill”. Owning your emotions in all of their glorious complexity is part of what makes it possible to have the kind of relationship you both actually want. Feeling your feels is what lets you advocate for your needs and to maintain your boundaries. It’s part of making sure you’re coming to your relationship from a place of mutual respect and courtesy, whether it’s a regular hook-up or a one-time encounter.

But most importantly…

1. Make Sure You Have Your Shit Together

The single mistake that people make when it comes to hook ups and casual relationships is that they don’t pay attention to their own emotional health. The fact of the matter is, not everyone is equipped for casual relationships… or are even in a place where they can have them. However, some people feel that this is what they’re supposed to want. Pushing yourself into a hook up because you feel like it’s something you’re supposed to be doing when you know that you’re not ready to handle it is a great way to leave yourself feeling drained.

Just as important is having sex for the right reasons. One of the ongoing myths of what it means to be a man, for example, is that all men want meaningless sex above everything else. However, some guys don’t want meaningless sex. They want that emotional connection. They crave the emotional intimacy as well as the physical. For others, sex isn’t just for pleasure or a mutual connection, it’s about validation. It’s about what the fact they’re having sex – and who they’re having sex with – says about them.

Some people simply aren’t in a place where sex is a good idea at all. It may be that they have issues surrounding self-esteem and deservedness. It may be that sex is a form of self-harm for them. They may have entitlement or resentment issues that lead to their deliberately crossing boundaries or treating their partner like shit. Or it could well be that they are the person who attaches too quickly and causes unnecessary drama.

And some people are just not ready for a relationship, period.

Being a good partner, whether you’re looking to the long term or just the next hour, means taking care of yourself first. Being in good emotional working order is crucial. Pushing yourself into something that ultimately is going to hurt you is part of what makes hooking up a misery.

But it doesn’t have to be.

from Meet Positives http://ift.tt/2yCMMiA via IFTTT

#IFTTT #Meet Positives

[chadpetersondatingblog]

5 Rules for Happier Hook Ups

It’s something of a cliche that getting what you want doesn’t always make you happier. That’s never more true than when it comes to sex. For many people, living the sort of swinging lifestyle modeled by Hugh Hefner seems like the ideal.

“Sorry, I can’t hear you over how awesome my life is…”

After all, who wouldn’t love a life of hot-and-cold running sex with a rotating series of partners? What kind of red-blooded person wouldn’t want to have more hook-ups without worrying about things like “commitment” and “relationships”?

As it turns out: a lot of people. In fact, a recent story on NPR’s Hidden Brain podcast – and many of my own readers – talk about just how miserable hook-ups can be. After all, you’re supposed to be “chill” about it all, lest you give the impression that you’re not cool with your situation. Developing feelings for someone is seen as a continual risk and keeping someone at arm’s length can get exhausting. It can seem like a continual balancing act of keeping just enough distance to discourage the relationship frame while also having to put in the effort to keep the sex coming.

The problem with hook ups is how often people seem to be stuck following the “unwritten” rules – rules that, frankly, make no sense. The fear of “a relationship” runs rampant among them. But hook ups – whether it’s a one-night stand, a friends-with-benefits situation or a no-strings-attached arrangement – are relationships. And like any relationship, there’s a right way and a wrong way to make them work.

But it doesn’t need to be this way. Hook ups and casual relationships can be amazing experiences for everyone involved… as long as you follow some simple rules.  And the first rule of making a casual relationship work is:

5. Respect Is Paramount – Even in Hook Ups

One of the biggest issues when it comes to hook ups and casual relationships is that people assume that while hooking up means “no strings” it also means “no respect.” It creates a hierarchy where certain types of relationships are worthy of respect while others aren’t. This ends up being one of the reasons why many women aren’t up for casual sex; not only is the sex lousy, but the guys treat them like shit afterwards. And if you’re not in it for the commitment, why waste the energy on it? Get yours and if they don’t like it, well, they can piss off because it’s not like you’re in a relationship.

Strangely, being treated like Kleenex isn’t the aphrodisiac you’d think it is.

But this mindset neglects to consider that a traditional, committed relationship isn’t what many people want. While hook ups and casual relationships can be tricky, for many people they’re perfect. Not everybody is cut out for traditional monogamy or relationships. They want sex and even a certain amount of intimacy, but with the excitement and novelty that comes with new partners. Others aren’t in a place in their lives where a committed relationship is possible. They may be coming out of a long-term relationship. Others may be in a transitional place in their lives and simply don’t have time for anything more than a casual relationship.

Some people like the thrill of the chase and the excitement of flirting and lose interest quickly. Others like the freedom that hook ups bring; it’s easier to meet up for sex and then have their alone time when they need it. Some people like having their own space – emotionally and physically, which makes casual relationships perfect. And still others just like to fuck a lot.

The disconnect comes with the fear of someone mistaking a casual relationship for something more.

One of the mistakes that many people make is that they assume that keeping their distance emotionally means being a complete dick. When you’re worried about your fuckbuddy thinking that you might be catching feelings for them – or that they may be trying to “trick” you into commitment – the easiest way to remind everyone that this is just a sex thing is… to be an asshole to them. After all, showing the slightest bit of consideration could be seen as a sign of interest right?

Wrong. It’s basic fucking courtesy and respect and should come standard.

Being considerate of somebody’s feelings isn’t the same as “sending the wrong message,” it’s treating them with respect. The mistake is that people forget that “brutal” honesty isn’t an extra layer of righteousness; it just means you’re being honest that you’re an asshole. Not being dismissive of someone’s interests or feelings doesn’t lead people into thinking you want something more. It just means you’re not a dick.

Even if you’re not planning on seeing them again, treating someone with consideration and respect isn’t too high a bar to clear, nor is it “sending the wrong signals”. You can say “Hey I had a great time,” without worrying that they think you’re angling for another date. You can be clear that this was a one-off without kicking them to the curb before your cum starts to dry.

Just that little bit of “treating your partner like a fellow human being” can make the difference between feeling empty and unhappy afterwards and just enjoying the intimacy without complications.

But this is just a start.

Another key to having happier, more fulfilling hook-ups?

4. For More Satisfying Sex, Establish Your Lines of Communication Early and Often

One of the reasons why hooking up is often so miserable is that nobody is talking to one another. After all, talking means sharing and sharing means you might cross the line into “relationship” territory. Mix this with the idea that sex is supposed to be “spontaneous” and just happen and you end up with a recipe for everyone ending up with shitty sex and no real way to fix things.

Good sex requires good communication, even in random hook ups. No two people get aroused or get off the same way and treating your sexual repertoire as a one-size-fits-all extravaganza is going to lead to a lot of mediocre nights with unsatisfied partners and faked orgasms. You may be justifiably proud of your skill with the Rusty Venture or the Transylvanian Twist, but what made one girl scream in ecstasy is going to make another’s skin crawl off her bones.

“Come on who doesn’t love the swirly-go-round??”

Plus: it means that most guys fall back on porn-fucking that women hate, with minimal foreplay and a rush to penetration.

When there’s no communication, there’s no way to know what your partner actually wants or needs. You’re not Charles Xavier and she’s not Jean Grey; trying to figure out what someone wants through mindreading is a fool’s game. And, quite frankly, if you can’t talk about sex with someone who you’re going to mash genitals with, you probably shouldn’t be fucking them in the first place.

Now, to be fair: trying to talk about sex, advocating for your pleasure and being concerned with theirs can be awkward. We’re so used to not talking about it that it’s hard to start. This is why you should model the behavior you want in your relationships and be the one to break the silence. Being willing to be the one to go first can drastically ease the tension. What do you need for good sex? What do you like? What’s a no go for you? Owning your sexuality and being willing to share is key for a better connection.

If you’re not sure where to start, it can help to plan it in advance. Sex educator Reid Mihalko has a great script he calls “The Safer Sex Elevator Speech” that can help guide you through the rough spots. It can feel a bit awkward to be blunt about your needs. After all, we’re not used to being that straightforward about sex. But sometimes blunt is what you need. The more you get used to being open, the easier it becomes. And the more comfortable you are about communicating your needs, the more comfortable your partner will be.

And that’s important because communication is about more than just sex…

3. Establish Your Boundaries… and Maintain Them

Another reason why casual relationships can be such a trial is that we feel like we always have to have our guard up. When you’re worried about someone catching feelings, everything becomes a threat. What’s acceptable fuckbuddy behavior and what’s couple behavior? If you let someone spend the night, is it implying you are looking for more?

Trying to figure out what’s a date vs. not a date can be like asking an AI to divide by zero.

We spend more time making assumptions about relationships than talking about them. We think our relationship narrative is universal when it’s anything but. Worse, we assume that our partners are just going to know. Small wonder then that we get stressed. What may feel perfectly natural to one person can feel like it’s crossing a line to another. And if they’re crossing that line… well surely it must mean something, right?

Just as not talking about sex causes misery, not establishing your boundaries in a casual relationship leaves people feeling stressed. That’s why it’s important to be up front about what you do and don’t want in your relationship. Where are your hard lines between casual and serious? Is staying over a hard “no” or is it something you’re ok with? Are you cool with doing things together or is this going to be a “we get together for sex, period” relationship? Are there topics that you consider off limits if you’re not going to date? Is there a limit to how many times you get together per week? Do you ever expect to meet each others’ friends? Are you open about your hook up or is it on the down low?

It can feel weird and mechanical to say things so bluntly, but establishing these rules makes everything simpler.

What about exclusivity? Yes, some casual relationships can be sexually exclusive in a number of ways. Some regular hook-ups may not allow for unprotected oral if there are other partners in the mix. Others may allow for oral sex and mutual masturbation with outside partners but draw the line at penetration. For some people, it’s a matter of health concerns and personal comfort; they prefer to limit their potential STI exposure. For others it’s simply drama management. And for some people, making sure that there isn’t an expectation of exclusivity is important.

Yeah, that may be a line too far for some people. Asking for some form of exclusivity from someone you’re not romantically involved with is going to chase some people away. But at the same time… if your boundaries are something they can’t agree to, do you really want to be fucking them?

Just as important, though, is enforcing your boundaries. Some partners may start crossing lines without realizing it, while others may use the “it’s casual!” label as an excuse for shitty behavior. You have to be willing to speak the fuck up and advocate for your needs and limits. The fact that you’re “just” hooking up doesn’t mean that you don’t have a right to your needs or your limits. Enforcing those boundaries weeds out the people who are wrong for you and helps protect you emotionally.

But, speaking of emotions…

2. Fuck “Chill”

Part of what makes hook ups and hook up culture alienating to people isn’t the sex, it’s the attitude. There is an expectation in a casual relationship that you’re supposed to be “cool” and uncaring. The more that you can perform your disconnection and lack-of-caring, the better off you are because you’re not projecting neediness. And on the surface, that can seem to make sense. After all, if you want to keep this hook up casual, then it’s best not to give any impression that you want more, just in case they take it the wrong way.

But like the drunk frat boy trying to do an Afrika Bambaata/Journey mashup at the karaoke bar, what seems like a good idea at the time is… kinda freaking dumb in its execution.

And honestly, you shouldn’t be trying to do Don’t Stop Believing in the first place.

The fact of the matter is, trying to be “chill” makes everything worse. The taboos around talking about the relationship – and it is a relationship – is part of what makes hook ups miserable for everyone. In fact, that be-chill-at-all-costs attitude mostly encourages everyone to act like an asshole or accept behavior that leaves you feeling drained and violated. You may feel like you’re being used, but you’d better shut the fuck up about it unless you want them to think that you’re a needy bag of slop.

Pretending to (or aspiring to) not care about someone you’re fucking or hoping to fuck in the name of being casual is a bigger source of stress and misery than just admitting you have feelings like a grown-ass adult. You don’t dare give any signs that you take this seriously, even if it’s just as mild as “I enjoy your company.”

The pressure to be “chill” and avoid any indication of an emotion deeper than “I’m horny” makes it impossible to actually make the sex pleasurable. After all, if talking about the relationship at all is forbidden, then you can’t advocate for or acknowledge your needs. Nor, for that matter, can you actually check in with your partner to see how they’re doing. When you’re both trying to pretend that you’re the cool one, neither of you can be the one to say “hey… how are you feeling about this?” As a result, trying to make sure that you’re both on the same page becomes impossible.

Keeping a relationship casual isn’t the same as pretending that you don’t care or that you could take or leave things. Taking pleasure in more than just the squishy noises doesn’t put you at risk of falling in love or sending the wrong message to your partner. A friends-with-benefits relationship, for example, is predicated on the friend part, after all.

Fuck “being chill”. Owning your emotions in all of their glorious complexity is part of what makes it possible to have the kind of relationship you both actually want. Feeling your feels is what lets you advocate for your needs and to maintain your boundaries. It’s part of making sure you’re coming to your relationship from a place of mutual respect and courtesy, whether it’s a regular hook-up or a one-time encounter.

But most importantly…

1. Make Sure You Have Your Shit Together

The single mistake that people make when it comes to hook ups and casual relationships is that they don’t pay attention to their own emotional health. The fact of the matter is, not everyone is equipped for casual relationships… or are even in a place where they can have them. However, some people feel that this is what they’re supposed to want. Pushing yourself into a hook up because you feel like it’s something you’re supposed to be doing when you know that you’re not ready to handle it is a great way to leave yourself feeling drained.

Just as important is having sex for the right reasons. One of the ongoing myths of what it means to be a man, for example, is that all men want meaningless sex above everything else. However, some guys don’t want meaningless sex. They want that emotional connection. They crave the emotional intimacy as well as the physical. For others, sex isn’t just for pleasure or a mutual connection, it’s about validation. It’s about what the fact they’re having sex – and who they’re having sex with – says about them.

Some people simply aren’t in a place where sex is a good idea at all. It may be that they have issues surrounding self-esteem and deservedness. It may be that sex is a form of self-harm for them. They may have entitlement or resentment issues that lead to their deliberately crossing boundaries or treating their partner like shit. Or it could well be that they are the person who attaches too quickly and causes unnecessary drama.

And some people are just not ready for a relationship, period.

Being a good partner, whether you’re looking to the long term or just the next hour, means taking care of yourself first. Being in good emotional working order is crucial. Pushing yourself into something that ultimately is going to hurt you is part of what makes hooking up a misery.

But it doesn’t have to be.

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