#enforcing boundaries

[free--therapy]

#boundaries #setting boundaries #enforcing boundaries #healthy boundaries #self love #quote #anna taylor #mental health

[amo-ridere]

A Reminder!:

If your blog looks anything like the ones I’ve recently added to my blocked list

Do NOT follow me. 

I’m not interested in what you’re selling. GTFO

#a reminder #enforcing boundaries

[fatherowlcoaching]

The Quest for Authentic Love

[vc_row type=”in_container” full_screen_row_position=”middle” column_margin=”default” column_direction=”default” column_direction_tablet=”default” column_direction_phone=”default” scene_position=”center” text_color=”dark” text_align=”left” row_border_radius=”none” row_border_radius_applies=”bg” overflow=”visible” overlay_strength=”0.3″ gradient_direction=”left_to_right”…

View On WordPress

#boundaries #bridge-building #emotional strength #empathy #enforcing boundaries #friendship #genuine connections #humility #life coach experiences #life lessons #Personal Growth #relationship challenges #relationship dynamics #respect #understanding relationships

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[keyworld1101]

I’m in my villain era (telling people ‘that’s not an apology’ and ‘I don’t forgive you’)

#villain era #enforcing boundaries #my posts #my tags #over and out

[kindnessisstillhere]

Soothing Everything

I’ve learnt to walk away,

To look after myself,

Put me before you,

Since you never will.

I support the closed door,

The block that I enforce,

A thing I’ve never argued with,

No matter what you’ve said.

I’m not placating, calming,

Stopped trying to bridge a gap,

Decided giving too much failed,

And that soothed my soul.

This isn’t a tug of war,

You were wrong to make me the rope,

But walking away soothes,

Perhaps not everything,

Not just yet at least,

But enough for me to heal,

Enough for me to repeat it.

#self care #walking away #setting boundaries #enforcing boundaries #poetry #poem

[just-eyobis]

Cats be like "I love you, please pet me. Oh no you got too close to my face, time to die"

#cats #enforcing boundaries

[sysig]

Chewtoy (Patreon)

#Doodles #Handplates #UT #Fellplates #Gaster #Papyrus #Sans #Squeeze him - he makes a squeaky toy noise #Everyone needs to bite Gaster! He doesn't yield like flesh so it probably doesn't even hurt right? Yeahhhh he'll be fiiiine #There is something very funny to me about him just sitting there and taking it tho lol - feeds into his martyr play ♪ #As if I don't already have a favourite martyr hmmm don't worry about it lol #What was he even doing why is he just letting 2-P bite him lol #Socialization? That's not a good thing to just let him do! He's still got a young mind! Boundaries are important #He does offer a way out - hehe ♫ - but he doesn't enforce it! You're setting them up for failure #Hehehehe #The bone gift was fun to doodle hehe ♪ He leaves it with him and it goes completely untouched while his arm is covered in teeth-marks pfft #Even with Papyrus a bit more unruly I still like to imagine he acts mean in largely harmless ways haha #Like yeah he's being naughty and biting when he knows better and offered other options - Gaster. Gentle enforcement - but he's not Hurting #He's not using his entire bite force - probably lol or he's just got weak little baby bites (though those can be quite painful!) #Sans on the other hand would absolutely go 100% full power - and still only do 1HP lol what an unfortunate design quirk for him #If only he had a jaw he could open! He'd bite the heck outta Gaster! Alas #I do like to imagine Fellplates!Sans has just fast-tracked to classic's conclusion of ''You suck and I hate you. Die'' about Gaster lol #Even the possibility of not being mean to him is so alien! What do you /mean/ not hurt you?? Do you know who you're talking to?? #He'll find another way to mess with him in good time haha

[velnna]

i’m sorta new to ur blog and i wanna ask are staeve and astarion exclusively together orrr? cause i’ve seen you draw staeve with other ppl so idk

In the Staeveverse he and Astarion become a somewhat exclusive thing with time, with sprinkles of fun times with Halsin whenever they disappear into the middle of the woods to visit him or sth.

I don't think they'd ever have a super hard, explicit boundary because it's already clear in-game that they'd respect the idea that their partner might have needs that only others could satisfy. Staeve x Astarion is the strongest bond but there's a little wiggle room

#staeve #idk if this makes sense #i'm not a huge fan of enforcing relationship boundaries #so in my head it just naturally develops into a final-ish form

[milk-ducts]

you can see the sniper i have trained on immortal in the background .

#nobody fucking talk to me #what even was this scene. #Some kind of boundary kate was enforcing?? #was this supposed to be a ^fuck you rex^ moment #if so they fucking obviously FAILED #IM NOT SIDINF WITH IMMORTALS OLD ASS #THIS IS FUCKING predatory i dont even need to explain this????? #dont come at me dudebros #w the whole ^oh hes 100000^ technically everyones young 2 him #i will obliterate you ;; shes not even in her 20s yet #invincible #invincible season 2 #invincible spoilers #atleast cecil is here … #i dont gaf ab rex being ^ntr;d^ #this isnt NTR this is immortal being a NASTY ASS FREAK #omni man do ur shit #immortalomni nation.. we have lost . #kate blink twice if hes holding you hostage

[free--therapy]

#boundaries #setting boundaries #enforcing boundaries #healthy boundaries #people pleasing #quote #mental health

[amo-ridere]

A note about follows

While I appreciate follows, I draw the lines at certain blogs following me. 

Nudity is fine and I’ll tolerate “suggestive” but, if you’re a blog with explicit sex, you’ll get blocked. The same goes for if something about your blog sets off a vibe (specifically, if you look like a spam blog or your blog is of a certain topic). 

No hard feelings but just NOPE.

Here are the recent guidelines for Tumblr as a whole but ya’ll do whatever you want.

#announcement #enforcing boundaries #NOPE.

[fatherowlcoaching]

Relationship Bridges

[vc_row type=”in_container” full_screen_row_position=”middle” column_margin=”default” column_direction=”default” column_direction_tablet=”default” column_direction_phone=”default” scene_position=”center” text_color=”dark” text_align=”left” row_border_radius=”none” row_border_radius_applies=”bg” overflow=”visible” overlay_strength=”0.3″ gradient_direction=”left_to_right”…

View On WordPress

#boundaries #bridge-building #emotional strength #empathy #enforcing boundaries #friendship #genuine connections #humility #life coach experiences #life lessons #Personal Growth #relationship challenges #relationship dynamics #respect #understanding relationships

[andthebeanstalk]

the average person doesn't expect you to be a perfect ethical consumer, that's not possible for the vast majority of us. but what youre saying is it's better to do nothing at all and choose the worst possible options (sweat shops, overseas shipping waste, idea/product theft, all wrapped up in SHEIN) than to put even the tiniest effort in where you can.

[they are referring to this post]

What I said was "some people are doing literally everything they can to survive and have no extra bandwidth to spend extra time and money on their purchases, and it is cruel and therefore un-punk to gatekeep punkness and add additional shame to these people's lives based on that fact."

I think it's still a good thing to try to ethically consume; I literally never said it wasn't. I had never even heard of SHEIN before. Rather, I am much more concerned about what I saw as arbitrary gatekeeping based on ability and income.

And frankly how dare you claim that I am supporting sweatshops and abuse by saying that this additional work you are demanding (in this case, presumably, vetting every clothing company you buy from) is not always possible for people. It is not a light accusation to accuse me of supporting abuse.

"How dare you say we piss on the poor", Etc. 🙄 this isn't Twitter. You are determined to enforce moral purity, but you are failing to see the nuance.

Because when I say "no extra bandwidth," I mean no extra bandwidth. This is not the "car shows it's on E but actually secretly it has a lot of gas left" situation that abled people constantly assume disabled people mean when they say they are at their limit.

This is "at a certain point, people will hit a wall in terms of money and time and energy, and any energy spent after that comes directly out of their life force."

So the argument "okay but just spend a little more time money and energy actually" is not a valid one.

And the argument "if you are not able to do this specific task, then it means you're not doing anything else to make the world a better place" doesn't exactly impress me either. You said yourself that it is impossible to be a perfectly ethical consumer for most people.

How do you know what else people are doing to resist oppression? How many hours per week until your standards are met?What if someone works 3 jobs? Does that mean it's harder to be a good person if you're poor?? Why do you get to decide what specific avenue of bettering the world is the most morally repugnant or acceptable? What kind of proof of goodness and effort would make you satisfied enough to lay off on the shame?? Who are you helping??

Clothing is a fundamental human need, and some of us have to buy cheap fucking clothes quickly. Billionaires are buying their seventh yacht this month. The people who own fast fashion companies are abusing their workers and putting local affordable clothing stores out of business - and this applies for basically every company with price points that low because governments are failing to regulate corporations to enforce basic human rights.

I have $300 to spend on a new wardrobe as my old clothes have fallen apart or become too small. Do you have a way for me to get a new winter coat, 3 flannels, 10 shirts, 3 dress shirts, new sandals, 10 pairs of pants, 5 bras, 12 pairs of socks, and 10 pairs of underwear within that budget and also definitely 100% ethically sourced, with free returns in case it doesn't fit? Or will I simply have to use the cheap stores?

I have about an hour to spend on this per week. Should I continue to wear small and tattered clothing until I have the time, money, and energy to meet your standards? Did you know there are more empty homes in this country than homeless people? If I decide to splurge on only 100% ethically-produced products, and I can't make rent, and I become homeless, are YOU going to be there for me?? Or are you busy litigating the endless tiny shames of poverty in your own community?

So I ask you again, are you sure this is where you want to direct your punk energy? Because energy and time, as it turns out, are limited resources. And I would never expect you to secretly have more than you claim to have.

#original #punk #hopepunk #cripplepunk #i swear to god #reading comprehension website #how dare you say we piss on the poor #jfc 'what you're saying is we should do nothing' - what I'm saying is YOU are doing nothing by enforcing this boundary #you have to give people more credit than this. i believe you want a better world too. and it would be cool if you used your energy to #instead ask 'how do i fight for the people in my community to be clothed and have the time and income to shop ethically?' #or 'how do i support activism that pushes for regulation that could control these companies?' #monitoring how poor people spend money is a supremely Republican thing to do. as is demanding clear moral purity from every scenario. #you want a better world too. you want to demand your peers do better. - fine. good. #but you need to be asking if you have remembered and included everyone's needs when making statements like this. #capitalism is all for forgetting about poor and disabled people and refusing to believe their limits. #shame is a necessary weapon in fighting greed but it IS a weapon. be so careful where you point that shit. enough shame can kill a person #and a lot of us are already defending from it from all sides. #shaming a person who is already at their limit for not doing more is an act of cruelty. think very carefully about what that means please. #i literally don't even know what SHEIN is lol i just know classism when i see it #but I've had friends whose clothes were visibly falling apart with no income and so much so shame so deep in their hearts they were dying #and if they had seen that post it would have made them even sicker and gotten them no closer to the dignity of being properly clothed #shame is a weapon and /you need to be careful!!!!/

[kqluckity]

this is what i thought etoiles' villain arc was going to be when he said he wasn't going to go help everyone immediately and that he'd work on making sure pomme was safe before anything ngl

#''im in my villain arc'' but he's just establishing and enforcing his boundaries #this is a hahah joke post don't take it too seriously it's not a character analysis I'm just joking #also I'm still behind with the vods. oops. I'll try and watch them tomorrow #qsmp #mcyt tag

[self-loving-vampire]

Big fan of individualism.

Not in the "You don't need anyone else's labor to survive and should always be maximally selfish" kind of sense, though.

I mean it in the "When people start demanding blind obedience or trying to wrap you into conformism and culty bullshit you need to have the pride and courage to tell them to fuck off" way.

#a lot of anti-individualism commentary around here sounds like it would create cult vulnerabilities #you need to be willing to enforce your boundaries even if people say you're being individualistic by doing so #100