#hahaaaa

[missblissy]

Bitter

Summary: A little drabble that takes place after the events of the game. In an intimate moment, Astarion has feelings of disgust within himself, and can't help but break down, talking to you about how he feels in his own skin. You stay supportive and help him through it.

Warnings: mentions of sex/domestic trauma, and panic attacks, but no actual smut. :) Only angst. Just angst. :)))

A/N: Hey hey! This is my first Astarion X Reader! I have been sucked in and now I'm just another one of his girlies :') I used a GN!Tav with no mentions of race/class/gender whatsoever. I really wanted to explore Astarion's sexual trauma, how he deals with it, and how he feels about it. I like to think Astarion desperately wants to be whatever he thinks "normal" is, and that he has a lot of shame and pained feelings towards not being able to be whatever this "normal" is. So I wanted to give him some angsty love/hurt and comfort. Enjoy!

Bitter. Like sour brandy. A perpetuating ick that crawled with insect-hooked feet into his skin. The itchy pain of ghostly memories was hot on his flesh. The crawling and coiling were unconditional. The buzzing of past words, actions, and regrets all flooded his mind. His body moved with a mind of its own in a sheer thought of panic. Moving. Repulsed. Unwanted even. But it still happened. Bittering the moment, souring the taste in his mouth, clutching at his undead heart with a rage he didn’t know he had, so soft and subtle that it built like a breeze over the ocean, hitting him like a typhoon. 

But no sign foretold that in the sudden jerk and pull back of his own hand from yours. No longer interlocked. The recoil of his body from instincts rather than thought or sound mind. How he fell away from you, not into you. Both surprised him, his internal rage, and his body betraying him. A breath hitched in his throat as he was pulled back to the dimly lit room of reality.

Where was he again...? His mind was foggy, far way, but yet still brim and bright with paranoia. Flush and festering with one too many distant memories.

“Star-bite?” Your voice was always soothing… Enough to pull him from his mind. The fog far from leaving his eyes traveled with ease across his face in the dark room. No light was needed for you to see that.

The honey worry in your words where enough for his eyes to meet yours despite his shame to look away. It pained him even more with the love welling in those sweet pearls and staring up at him with nothing but patience. Seemingly something he didn’t have. A tender hand lifted to his head, “Are you okay?” You asked. He flinched away. Again. Not even twice now in five minutes. You didn't pull back, however, but rather left your palm open with patience.

Astarion closed his eyes and leaned his cheek into your hand for only a second as he tried to ground himself. Self-hatred bubbled in him. Embarrassment. Shame. It was all the same feeling at this point and it was unbearable.

He sat up and back on his legs, no longer looming over you as the moonlight bathed him in a glow. Glossy with an otherworldly shine you stared up at him, skin exposed to the night. And watched as his shoulders fell with a deep sigh of frustration as he threw his hands to his face as if to hide while shaking his head, “I’m sorry-” He started. You slowly sat up as well, a blanket bathing over your own equally nude body in a half attempt to cover up.

“I’m sorry.” He said it again, “I.. I Don’t know what came over me,” He tried to laugh it off, the fact he blanked out, flinched from your very touch, and found himself disgusted even with the person he loved most. You understood… This was hard for him. Sex. Intimacy. Anything that related to his body. So you so desperately wanted to comfort him.

Which could be a hard thing to do sometimes. Despite that, you tried to reassure him. This wasn't the first time this has happened, “You don’t have to do this, It’s fine-”

“It’s not fine!” Astarion snipped with a whisper that could have been a scream, “I’m… not fine.” 

Bitter. It was always bitter on his tongue even when he laughed like it was as sweet as syrup before it turned into wine, “I don’t want to be… like this,” His voice carried on as he gestured to his entire being, “Every time. Every single time it doesn’t matter how much you love me I still feel disgusted in my own skin and that’s not fine!” He finally snapped out with a subtle sob, “I want to be able to do more than look and love you from an arm’s reach without wanting to burn my bones and erase the memory of everything I’ve ever been through every time I’m simply just touched by another!” 

There wasn’t an easy way to hide the pain on your face. The bitter truth. Even you knew it and it still stung fresher than a wasp’s stinger on a knuckle. No amount of love you gave Astarion could fix the damage done to him over two centuries of torment. No kind words, no simple nothings, or gestures could undo any of it. Nor erase it. Even dead, Cazador would always be with him.

Astarion’s voice picked up, another twisted, sad, and painful laugh, “It sickens me… It kills me,” He sighed, “That even no matter how much I love you, adore you, want you, and need you…” Silver-flowing tears trickled along his cheeks, flicking with faints of pink, betraying his true nature. A vampire’s bloody tears never lied. A sour sniffle sucked back up into his nose as he spoke again, “No matter how much I care I can’t be fixed. I’ll always fucking be like this!” 

He felt so trapped in his own skin. Disgusted with his own body. Hateful towards the person he was forced to become and betrayed by the thought of the person he could have been. It was a bitter cycle. And to think… This all started as a lovely night. But Astarion could just add this to the long list of many other things he’s ruined.

You sat on your knees, scooting just an inch ever so closer, “Astarion?” You held out your hand for him, palm up, open and there for him to take if he wanted. And of course, he did, “You will always be broken.” His eyes shot open and he stared at you, surprised by your honest take, “But you will also always be loved and cared for even if you are broken,” You squeezed his hand lightly and gave a soft smile, “And I don’t mind that you’re broken,”

Something told him you were lying but Astarion knew better than to believe that. It didn’t stop his little scoff as he averted his red gaze, “Even if I can’t fuck you?” Bitter. It was in his voice, the way he spat the words and laughed by adding, “I know I’m supposed to be this amazing, beautiful, and skilled piece of work but I’m no-”

“You’re not supposed to be anything,” You softly interrupted him, knowing exactly where he was about to go with this tangent, “You’re only supposed to be whatever you want to be. Not what others have made you out to be.”  

He still couldn’t meet your gaze, but you could see the doubt in his eyes and the subtle pout of frustration on his lips, “Even if I don’t know what I want to be?” He spoke more softly this time, like it was mostly to himself so he could finally speak it out loud, “... Or who I am?”

“Absolutely,” You promised him. It broke your heart every time he had these moments, how hurt and torn he must feel inside you could only imagine. You leaned a little closer, enough to still give him his space, “I’m not with you for the sex, Astarion, it was never about the sex. So I could go the rest of my life waiting, or not waiting, or simply just being there,” You reached up and cupped his cheek again and pulled ever so gently to get him to meet your gaze, “You… Do. Not… have to have sex with me to keep me to stay with you,” A little glimmer in your eye sparked with affection, "I'll say it as many times as you need to hear it, you are enough just as yourself. And I'll say it forever, I love you for you, and that includes even when stuff like this happens."

That got the littlest smile out of him. He brushed his cheek deeper into your palm and found himself even leaning into your embrace, “You know I want to,” He huffed, “I just don’t think… I can… not without this feeling being there, that is," It was still bitter. He closed his eyes, head resting by your shoulder, nearly hiding in the crook of your neck, “I don’t want to be this way. It’s like I'm not even free. Like my time in the sun was worth nothing in the long wrong,” He quickly looked up at you and corrected himself, “I know that’s not true,” A bitter smile, “It just feels that way, sometimes,” 

Your smile, bitter too, but sweet, with a sad nuzzle of your nose against his in a loving and comforting gesture, “I know, Star-bite,” Then a little kiss to his nose for reassurance, “But this,” And a tight squeeze of his hand, referring to just this simple act alone as you spoke, “You can do. And this is more than enough,”

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #astarion #astarion x reader #astarion x tav #astarion x you #astarion ancunin #angst #bg3 fanfiction #fanfic #pale elf #bg3 astarion #haha not me writing my first fic in YEARS #hahaaaa #aaaa #:) #no body look at me im in my feels #I just need some astarion angst to heal me its fine

[thescrolls-haveforetold]

great customer service, gave me the best cocktail ive had in my entire lives even after noting the lovely edition of dried blood and stench of dead mad god on me and my tattered rags. tipped a thousand septims. 5/5 stars.

#the elder scrolls #morrowind #tes #nerevarine #oc: nerevarine (nameless) #elder scrolls #dagoth ur #HAHAAAA #blood tw #//blood #blood

[shallowseeker]

true canon story in season 12

- dean calls cas devastatingly handsome

- resigned to being cas’s wingman forever, dean wingmans cas and mandy together but makes dimples of discontent about it

- cas tells dean he loves him and the fam*

- dean is like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then ?????

- dean tests the waters

- dean gives cas a (romantic-ish?) mixtape and possibly begins making the dean cave

- cas is too busy being spooked by ramiel almost killing them to notice all the Signs

- nothing happens

- cas goes deep into mission-mode and leaves

- dean gets so sexually wound up he has to go out and ride a mechanical bull

#isnt this what happened???? #dean probably was mentally preparing himself to cross the dean-cas line #he was so ready to put out he made himself sick #he groomed himself he bought supplies #he even smelled nice #then cas returned the mixtape #humiliating turn of events #absolutely humiliating turn of events #anyways we’re all better together we make a good team #hahaaaa #my heart is fine it’s fine don’t worry about it #the supplies are still there btw

[soapybroth]

wuh oh

also me being desperate in the tags (real????)

#shitpost #toon turf #danno cal drawings #riggy the rabbit monkey #memes #oh uhhh #roblox #yeah this is from a roblox game #HAHAAAA #riggy #riggy the runkey

[trashasaurusrex]

she's there, the bitch of the opera

(OH LINDSEY, YOU STRANGE LADY)

#lindsey mckales #oc #original character #my art #phantom #phantom of the opera #poto #this is supposed to be Lindsey dressed AS the phantom...but... #h-her black hair and evil looking eyes kinda sell it more as 'oh thats just the Phantom' #oops #hahaaaa #phantom of the opera au #au #poto au

[flowerflowerflo]

feeling so motivated this morning like rise and grind girlies lets fucking go‼️‼️

#girlblogging #hahaaaa #lets do this!!! #lets go #getting my shit together #morning motivation #lets go girlies #female insanity #wonyoungism #sillyposting #self improvement #<3 #pink pilates princess #it girl #thoughts ୨♡୧ #it girlism ୨𖹭୧

[oriiduckko]

Omg Tear no 😵

#shit happened man and its not nice #grrr grrr go robot fight #hahaaaa #// #mii ocz #mii artz #teardrop #fnaf sb oc #security breach OC

[metaphorically-saltire]

Hii tumblr have this shitpost i made at like 12am

it sucks ik

Audio

#tadc fanart #tadc #the amazing digital circus #tadc caine #tadc kaufmo #tadc jax #hahaaaa #help idk how to animate

[anfieldroad]

IM ASCENDING DOMI SCORED?!?!?!

#liverpool fc #HAHAAAA

[reiii28]

Hello- tumblr-? *tests mic*

hi I have some art for ya

#grian hermitcraft #hermitcrat #hermitcraft s9 #winged grian #grian design #hahaaaa

[gumpistol]

❝ heh, so cool~ ❞ luffy's got on a pair of those goofy prank shoes that make the farting noise with every step taken, and he's just casually walking around in them. no, he didn't spend his allowance on them, but they weren't free either.

#❝ screw the plan ❞ — ic #i don't know what the fuck i'm writing anymore #HAHAAAA #insane lala hours

[lunar-wandering]

a girl’s everything levels can be so fucking low 

#i couldn't find the supplement vitamin thingy i normally take at This Time Of The Month #so i had chocolate milk instead cause like Next Best Thing amirite #hahaaaa #so anyways i almost passed out today

[ilaliya]

the towel snagged on my jewelry and i do believe my soul exited my body for a moment

#:) #ah... #hahaaaa #t.

[i-write-shakespeare-not-disney]

Maybe it's time to re-read the promised neverland

#i miss my kids #but its also seasonal depression time #hahaaaa

[millenniumdueled]

i dunno though, i'm kinds drawn to earcorn too

#hahaaaa #t. #(( one of these was real tempting #iykyk lol ))

[666ratgod666]

got fired today for being cringe

#cringe #hahaaaa #please throw pennies at me