Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
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I have a job interview tomorrow (cringe job. not a job I want. fail employer). wags my tail so so sadly.
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I do not know if you read Forever Evil but it had a version of Lex Luthor who was the Earth-3 Shazam, Mazahs. I actually prefer the idea of an Earth-3 Captain Marvel being Alexander Luthor Jr instead, as a reference to the "child with an adult form" thing Billy has going on. Also he would get his powers from an evil version of the wizard, but would still be heroic. This is mainly as a joke that somethings are universal constants: like the wizard's sometimes poor judge of character, see Black Adam and Oggar. What do you think?
I don't think I've read that one!
But I think it's always interesting to see how other characters would deal with having the powers of Shazam (especially younger characters) so I would be on board with seeing what Alexander Luthor Jr. would do with the power!
And yeah, the Wizard's judgement isn't always the best but there is something so charming about the idea that an evil wizard gave this kid powers but the kid became a hero anyways. It makes for quite a fascinating origin story!
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tag someone you want to know and/or some of your besties.
I was tagged by @fourth-quartet 😊 Thank you!!
favourite colour: Gray but I'm currently in a brown phase
last song: I've got recently reacquainted with Beginner by AKB48 😄
last series: The Kidnapping Day. It was a lot more wholesome than the name suggests.
last movie: Saw X (surprisingly also a lot more wholesome than you'd expect????)
sweet/savoury/spicy: Sweet :3
currently watching:
Koisenu Futari
Chains of Heart
The Golden Girls (season 1)
Love in the Air (2nd rewatch)
other stuff I watched this year: Not listing all of it here (I've never watched so much stuff as I did in 2023), but I'll mention the ones that I enjoyed watching the most from each month so far (*not including rewatches):
JAN: Wednesday
FEB: GAP
MAR: Not Me
APR: Tick, Tick... Boom!
MAY: Utsukushii Kare
JUN: Tale of the Nine-Tailed 1938
JUL: Takin' Over The Asylum
AUG: Marry My Dead Body
SEP: Utsukushii Kare: Eternal
OCT: The Sandman
shows I dropped this year/didn't finish: I barely remember the ones I watched till the very end 🤡 But ok, let me see...
Eve (dropped after one episode; Rich People and their Rich People Problems™, I think was the reason)
A few straight GMMTV shows that I didn't really catch the name (I. Well. I just. I just couldn't make myself give a fuck, ok 😔)
+ Currently deliberating whether or not I should drop Chains of Heart. All the subtitles I've found are lacking in terms of coherence, and the story itself is already not the most straightforward, so I can only hope I'm understanding what's going on at all? 😀 And I'm also not feeling the main couple from either the present nor the past (? I suspect they are the same (but I may never know))... HOWEVER, I like the acting of the main, and the Thai scenario that is not Bangkok for once. That's always refreshing. And sometimes the cinematography is pretty too... Decisions, decisions...
currently listening to: Back for More by TXT & Anitta (I went after the link for it and distractedly searched for "banger" instead of the title 😆)
currently reading: Codename Villanelle (it's a small book but I'm. ..struggle)
current obsession: I'm not obsessing over anything at the moment 😟☹😫 Have been too busy with mundane adult life problems (therefore, as you can imagine, I'm just about going up the walls here :))
tagging: @eatprayworm @thisautistic @hyp-no-tic @visualtaehyun hi 👋
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i think one of my favourite implications from the pokemon anime is that all of the nurse joys and officer jennys have individual names but they're all called joy and jenny by the public for literally no fucking reason
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Lately I have started listening to Tom's solo stuff and Ava, I haven't heard most of it until now. Maybe I am not right about this but it seems to me that his songs that are the most direct and coherent might be written about real people and situations in his life, that's at least how it sounds to me, and some of the less coherent songs might mostly be him being artsy and experimental.
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Source: Rolling Stone India Sep 3 2019. Photo: Alexandra Gavillet.
Guess who just got tickets to see this guy for the first time live in concert? 🤩 I'm already planning what to wear and the concert isn't until next spring. 😂 Rainbow pants, mismatched patterns, and animal ears I can do, but I draw the line at Crocs. 🫠
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so I can get borderline soft porn and horny poetry blazed onto my dash every single day and yet tumblr has flagged my taylor as daisy jones edit as restricted despite it not containing a single hint of any of the community labels..........
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