#havent even thought of SU in a while

[bblookyyy]

redraw of something i drew back in 1/1/2018 (wip but the possibility of me finishing it is less than zero)

#my art #steven universe #lapidot #lapis lazuli #peridot #wow havent posted in a while #havent even thought of SU in a while #i was scrolling through my ‘my art’ photo album consisting of art form as early as 2016-2017 #also i have loads of whiteboard art coming soon #i say soon but idk when i’ll do it #oh well #i cant resist posting art i did that i like #sooner or later it’ll be on this blog

[thatone-highlighter]

What’s ur favorite SU songs

The first song to come to mind is actually Be Wherever You Are. It seems like such a random song and def not one i see talked about much, im not even sure why i like it so much but its just one thats Stuck with me. I have such clear memories of singing it to myself every week when i walked to soccer training for at least a year. Its such a nice and and simple song with a lot of repetition, and while the repetition does make it s but hard to keep track of if you sing off the top of your head im never one to turn some down.

That said, while i would have to call Be Wherever You are my favourite there are still a good few that hold nice little places in my heart.

Love Like You has to get an acknowledgement, even to this day if im standing somewhere wasting time not listening to anything its the first song to pop into my head to hum, i have so many memories of walking around school, around shops, a soccer field, in a game and humming or singing it to myself. Around the time season 2 and maybe early season 3 i used to love to think about who the song could be sung by and sung at, because all the answers i could come up with none of them fit the lyrics perfectly.

Peace and Love because like, u mean come on its peace and love you can tell me anyone hates that song, it was also the first i learned to play fully on my ukulele. The song is lovely and it shows up in a nice place during peridots arc, whats there not to like. Oh yeah and because Steven actually plays his uke on screen at the start it was the song that made me realise they accurately animate his hands to the chords hes playing. I dont know guitar or piano chords well enough to be able to say anything about a few other songs where they diegetically play the instrument but i thought that was a nifty little detail

Tower Of Mistakes id like to mention as well. Il always a sucker for songs with amethyst in them, and ToM is actually Amethyst‘s only solo song, every other time she sings(on the run, extended intro, peace and love, for just one day, no matter what, happily ever after) theres st least one other person (usually steven) singing with her in the song as well

There are only a few songs on the SU soundtrack i dont really like (Sorry but the Sadie Killer and the Suspects songs arent really for me) but those ones id say are at the top of my list uwu

#controversial opinion also: i like Both Of You more than Its Over Isnt It #dont get me wrong theyre both great songs and i 100% see why the attention is put on Its Over Isnt It. but ive always liked BoY more #why do all the songs i keep abbreviating keep becoming words what is this. tom boy. good news guys new word association just dropped #i might also bring up Distant Shore. that one i got into for a good little while through a combo of #i had been waiting on lapis getting a song for Ages and also at the time i had just been convincing a friend to catch up to S5 #imagine ur me. age 12. you stopped bringing up su years ago even tho it consumes your every waking thought. #you havent discovered word vomiting into a notes documet yet. Single Pale Rose airs. #the emotional rollercoaster of taking the chance and mentioning SU to ur only friend. they know the show. they stopped watching at season 3. #they say theyll catch back up #anyways that was my mental state for a while after SPR waiting to be aböe to talk about it so i went around humming distant shore #dont u just love 2 episode blocks. oo yeay lapis song! theres a really oninous noise in my head i dont know how to convey #thanks for askibg me this bestie! #ive been trying to answer ur other SU ask but i dont even know what to be insane about ive started so many things and then left them #Tree Man Posts #asks #steven universe

[wazzappp]

Alright whose ready to see my lose my mind over continually more ridiculous au ideas? Trick question your gonna see it happen anyway (I have. so much bullshit. i have an entire other au that I havent posted about yet and i am thinking. about the re7 au again brother. I have fallen into the pits don't come save me or I'll drag you down too).

also jesus FUCK @moosemonstrous coming in clutch again with both star wars knowlege and the ability to actually remember things beyond a day and a half of talking about them THANK YOU.

STAR WARS AU

The Jedi originally came to Tatooine looking for Gabe. Sensing his strength with the light side of the force they thought he would be a prime candidate for training. Unfortunately for them, Robbie and Gabe are a package deal. They begrudgingly allowed him to come along as well because he is also force sensitive, but a little older than they would usually let in for training. Robbie agrees to because 1. if he just says no who KNOWS if they'll just take Gabe away forcefully and 2. STEADY FOOD SOURCE. ROOF OVER THEIR HEADS. ADAQUATE MEDICAL CARE. NO MORE FUCKING SAND. He doesen't trust these people as far as he can throw them but FUCK anything must be better than here.

During a sparring session another padawan purposefully infuriates Robbie, causing him to reach out to the dark side. He nearly kills the other padawan with the strength of his outburst. It then becomes EXTREMELY EVIDENT that Robbie is VERY strong with the dark side of the force. As a result of this outburst, one of his eyes gets the usual 'sith look', he gets special training to try and suppress those feelings, and he gets permanent pariah status in the Jedi Temple (I have. plans. i am being vague on purpose because FUCK I want to draw this scene in my head so bad but I also want to get this out to yall in the same month so it will be coming later. my dramatic bitch syndrome demands it).

After the clone wars get started (he's around 16 at this point) the Jedi realize that they need more people to fight. Robbie, though being previously disqualified for his history, is accepted for training and assigned Jedi Knight Johnny Blaze as a master.

Unfortunately, along the way Johnny starts picking up more solo missions and eventually disappears about 6 months in and everyone thinks he's defected (he's spying on the sepratist's for the republic). Which MEGA sucks for Robbie because 'holy shit the unstable padawans master defected' is getting thrown around and thats really not great. He wanders off deep into the temple where he can hopefully find a place to throw his feelings around in peace and stumbles into the artifact room, which opened in response to sensing the dark side. Bad news, you cant use the same method to get out.

Even MORE unfortunately one of these sith artifacts starts talking to him. After telling him how to get tf out of the vault and convincing Robbie that things are about to get bad ('I FELT what you could to out there kid do you REALLY think they're gonna let you stay? You gotta get out of here. And if you take me with you I can guide us to a ship they can't trace')

So Robbie sets out to run away, fully planning on taking Gabe with him and gets second thoughts while packing to which Gabe goes 'fuck that were GOING' (he's like. 11. But he'll be damned if Robbie goes somewhere and leaves him who knows how long). While escaping via unauthorized ship takeoff, Elis holocron makes it look like Robbie has fully gone to the dark side and there are clones sent to stop him.

Robbie responds by using the force to throw another ship at them and escapes with Gabe. Now they're both on the run. Robbie wanted by the jedi council for kidnapping, and Gabe wanted back to complete his training.

Eli died as a dark side user and a wannabe Sith. He never really graduated into full sithhood and spent most of his time working for Senator Ivanov and his dealings in Hutt space. He was OBSESSED with the prospect of immortality and sought ways to survive even after death.

When he was used as a scapegoat by Ivanov (he reported Eli to the Jedi council to make him look a little less suspicious), his back up plan of imbuing a holocron with his force presence was put into use. He's been sitting gathering dust in a vault of darksided relics for the past 10 years, just waiting for his chance to get out.

Gabe is an EXCEPTIONAL student in the Jedi temple. He enjoys learning about the force and how to use it, and for the most part gets along with his peers. His mobility aid has been improved since Robbie first built it for him out of scraps he was allowed to take from working on ships on Tatooine. Some days are still better than others, and there are times when a wheelchair is more appropriate, but generally the braces are good for daily use.

He is VERY defensive of his brother and absolutely will not hear a bad word said about him (many bad words are said about him. everyone things Gabe is incredibly sweet, but also to blinded by his love for his brother to see that he poses a threat). It very much so does frustrate him, he's just better at dealing with those feelings then Robbie is.

Anakin gets his fun force choking so I think that Robbie should get something fun and funky and special too so enter: JAW BREAK!! Yes it is very ring inspired but I wanted to make it MORE. So fuck it he rips the whole jaw off its hinges I think this would also probably kill you very dead.

Plus some doodles because brainrot brainrot brainrot brainrot

#ghost rider star wars au #FUCK. WORDS NOT WORDING WELL TODAY. THIS COULD BE BETTER IM SORRY #THIS IDEA MAKES ME UNWELL IM GONNA POST MORE ABOUT IT #AAAAGAGGHHHHHHH #AAAGH #ghost rider #robbie reyes #gabe reyes #eli morrow #my art #sketch

[thegrimreepurr]

anyway i have a silly guy i wish to share i don't think i've talked about him much at all to anyone except for my friends but i love him and i figured i should bring him into the world because i am normal about him so. his name is basalt he's a version of murder,, and so like.

basically, in my main 'au' of sorts, murder is besties with reaper [my reaper is nicknamed thanatos so yeah :3] because after he actually managed to beat the player [the player gave up 💀💀], he was just kinda. left alone in dusttale until thanatos showed up to reap the dead of dusttale :3 now usually, normal Guys™ can't see him but sometimes, rarely, those with high LV can and murder just so happens to have very high LV so he can see thanatos he sees him just like walking around and he's kinda like 'huh. that's sus,,,' bc he killed everyone and WHY is there a dude first he just brushes it off as a hallucination because he is VERY aware that he's insane and schizophrenic but then he keeps seeing him just about everywhere so one day he decides to check it out and he goes up to thanatos and is just like 'yo. dude. who tf are you' and then thanatos is obviously surprised that he's been noticed so he's just kinda like 'oh yea so uhhh,,, im the grim reaper or something,,,' and murder's like 'wha- so like. why are u here' and thanatos is just like 'doign my job' anywya blah blah blah they talk for a while and then thanatos leaves but then he comes back occasionally and every time, murder finds him and has a conversation with them and soon enough thanatos starts coming back even after he's finished his work and he becomes besties with murder :D but also like. thanatos doesnt go back to his au anymore cuz he's been coded out of it since he's away from it so often, but thats a story for another day anyway, they soon become like therapists for each other thanatos tells murder about interwsting things that happen while on the job and also about his relationship struggles [thanatos has SO much angst and i absolutely love him for it] and murder tells thanatos about how fucked up he is also there's an alternate timeline in which murder eventually gets cursed alastor cat as a pet but that is not in this timeline [don't ask, it was a silly thought my friend and i had bc my headcanon murder had a cat named alastor {THAT WAS BEFORE I WAS EVER IN THE HH FANDOM BTW} ] and so yeah they're therapist besties but then uh. thanatos dies [i havent figured out how yet, i will eventually]

and that's when basalt exists! so basically uh. murder was just kinda handed thanatos's powers and job and thanatos TOLD him this would happen if he ever were to die, since he basically has to choose an heir to hand his power to [and he has a shit ton of kids, but all of his kids hate him so he didn't want to put that on them] which this is how basalt finds out about thanatos's death and he's just kinda shocked because how the fuck does the grim reaper die buuut he eventually uh. just accepts it and becomes rhe grim reaper he has no friends until further notice im gonna draw him but i made him in gacha [yes i am a gacha kid, cry about it] anyway

his design is under the cut

he is a skele btw i just can't make skeles in gacha also im going to change his design bc i made it too colourful [it's a habit :,)] and too complicated in a weird way that i cant draw his outfit makes like zero sense even to me

#dustin says stuff #basalt!murder #dustin's blorbos #long post #he's so silly and i love him but i have beef with his design #i can never get him to look how i want him to #murder sans #reaper sans #reaper!murder #dust sans #reaper!dust #dusttale #reapertale #im gonna draw him soon tho i swear #hopefully pinterest can save me

[nerves-nebula]

stop pretending to be normal

tell me your thoughts (i haven't read it in a while, apparently there is a book now?)

ok well obviously first things first it's fucking GORGEOUS its LOVELY the art is ?!!!>!?!?!?! !!!!

I love how its formatted almost like a TV show? like it's a storyboard?? but SOOO GORGEOUS I LOVE UNCONVENTIONAL COMICS AUGAHGHGAGDSG!!!

I adore Odin he's like. He's my everything. HES my right hand arm. man. hes my silly rabbit. I hadn't seen a character with a stutter in a comic before (I dont have a stutter but i do have weird speaking issues lol)

Odins brother scares me for PERSONAL REASONS safsdf but i think its funny he's a #Gamer.

I LOVE AVA because she's kind of pathetic but so full of rAGE (shes just like me FR)

its soooo weird cause like i agree with the demons CAUSE, like the Titan seems hella SUS but they're all so MEAN and CRUEL. but also I GET WHY THEY'RE MEAN but also FASDF ??SF?D F??

i know there's a kickstarter or w/e but tbh i dont know much more than that. there might be physical copies but i usually didnt have the money to support it (and if i did have the money i forgot about it fsdfsdf)

i havent read it in a long time but in the past i could've ranted at u for hoursss about it. gorgeous comic and i love how complex the relationships are between the characters. everyone is upset all the time except when they aren't, but even then they're still kind of upset fsdfsdfdsf

#nnstuff #ask #asks are sweethearts #avas demon

[transcomputer]

HEY HI WALLY UM SORRY TO SCREAM INTO THE VOID OF YOUR INBOX BUT I WATCHED 8 EPS OF FIONNA AND CAKE AND I SAW THAT YOU DIDNT LIKE EP 9 AND 10 WHICH MAKES ME CONCERNED CUZ I REALLY LIKE THIS SO FAR EVEN IF IM A PRETTY CASUAL AT FAN. IDK WHAT I MEAN BY SENDING YOU THIS JUST THAT. MAYBE I WONT BE AS DISAPPOINTED IDK?? ok ill stop screaming now i hope youre having a good day/night :"3

HIII SU YAYY IM GLAD YOU LIKE FIONNA AND CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! o(^▽^)o despite my beef with the last 2 eps i really really do like f&c as a whole ... it feels like such a natural and intriguing progression for adventure time's story while also being creative enough to have its own identity. when i was watching it i was blown away with how much it exceeded my expectations!!! i wanna see where they take the 2 stories and im excited to see where the team decides take this universe (˘◡˘) ♪ ......

full disclosure im a #fake at fan i havent watched since iwas like 13 or something so take what i say with a grain of salt . but ig the main appeal of the first 8 eps for me is that i felt like it was set up as a subversion of what we knew about fionna and cake and, by extension, adventure time as a series. it takes a look at at's typical storytelling formula but from a more detached lens so it provides a new take on adventure time's storytelling by subverting it's key elements while offering a new perspective and tone (i was very pleased w how different f&c are from their at counterparts!) . simon's depression only seems to spiral with time despite everything "ending well" in the original series. fionna, who was initially excited to escape her boring life, becomes slowly disillusioned when she realizes she's out of her element amidst all the magic. both fionna and simon were stuck in a point where they can't progress in life (though in varying degree) because no matter what they do, there isn't really anywhere they belong. so their arcs are set up to have them live for themselves and carve an identity outside of wanting to escape their situations!! i found that very interesting!!

but then. episode 9 and 10 ...... gotta say i was pretty underwhelmed w these ones ha!

(extended thoughts beyond the cut bc its wayy too long and kind of a downer.. ^^ dont click if u havent finished yet!!):

i mean. eps 9-10 do a good enough job in wrapping up the story .... its just that the tone and way in which conflict was resolved felt kinda disconnected from the first half imo. fionna's struggles and what she needed was set up as a fairly complex problem and seemingly extended beyond her surface level desire to escape. but by the end shes like no wait im ok with my town actually i just needed to accept it :) which while yes that was the resolution the show was setting up, the way it's handled feels too. easy ig? idk her journey in the last two episodes feels wayy more cut-and-dry than i was hoping. it really feels like they wanted to delve into her struggles a little longer but weren't given enough time to do so, so they just kinda had to skip to The Part where she learns her lesson, but for me that kinda undermined the complexity of the conflict being set up and resolved things in a pretty generic way. also nitpick but her decision to not change her world mainly coming from gumlee going like "nooo we just got together!" was like disappointingly simple to me (._.)

which brings me to simon. ouuugh simon. i loooove fionna and cake's take on simon as a character a lot but im sorry betty and simon's resolution left me with more mixed feelings than it did closure. their story is bittersweet and doomed from the start so i dont have a problem with them not being meant to be but "simon was selfish too" being the major takeaway is so strange to me? throughout the show simon is shown to be incredibly selfless and self-sacrificial so having THAT be what we take away from his character feels so out of left field. and yes bc we dont see much about simon's personal life in the main series i dont doubt that he was prone to being selfish. it could be an interesting direction to take him in! but.... his selfishness towards betty is only brought up in episode 9 (we didnt see betty till episode 8 mind you) through an exposition dump via casper and nova (whose segments+designs were admittedly rlly cute) and directly called into question in the last episode, which was ALSO their last meeting. and it leaves such a sour taste to me ....... if youre basing a climax off a specific conflict....why wait UNTIL the climax itself to directly bring up said conflict with little to no buildup. i couldnt feel any closure bc i didnt think this was the conflict theyd choose to build their relationship on at all (then again i have bad foresight)

also "we could've made better choices" still confuses me bc literally WHAT..... if simon never put on the crown he wouldve died and never wouldve found marcy. if he escaped the crown's curse he wouldve projected his madness onto pb. idk. maybe i was reading too much into those isolated incidents. but also somehow i doubt that betty turning insane and ice king's existence were consequences of his selfishness 😭 mind you he literally tried to stop betty from saving him in at!!

additional nitpicks the tone kinda switched back and forth and it felt jarring. going from the somber tone of simon and betty resolution/final meeting and the lighthearted/vaguely humorous tone of fionna and friends trying to stop the bad guy kinda messed with my investment a lil bit...also jay permanently living in fionna's universe was so strange to me likerwyt2r!^%@%#& DONT YOU HAVE SIBLINGS?

anyways i sound really critical but its only bc im rlly invested and believe it could be better if its given enough time to explore its concept better!! and even if the last 2 eps werent for me as a whole there are a lot of things i love about it . the visuals (casper and nova, simon and betty's resolution, the scene of simon returning to ooo, the dandelion scene, the epilogue, GOLB) were sooo beautifully done and did such a good job giving the scenes weight like seriously props to the creative team. i also looove beth and shermy we've only seen very little of them but already their dynamic is so endearing. there's so much passion and creativity jampacked into this project i reaaally can't wait to see what else they have in store

#PHEW im done....ive been working on this one in my drafts 4 quite a bit! sorry again 4 late reply (>﹏<) #but ANYWAYS. im rlly glad you liked it yayyyy ^__^ sorry it got long you gave me an opening and i just had to take it #ive been thinking abt this for awhile so ty for giving the opportunity to actually verbalize it :] (consumed by the f&c brain mold) #https://catabolicseed.com/txt #fionna and cake

[captainadwen]

my investment in genshin this time around has been much much shorter lived than expected

this is just a sleep-deprived 5 am rant bc i cannot sleep

i mean, part of it might be spoilers but also the lack of building up to plot that I missed (since my friend played some of the story while using my account as an alt). the issue is that i dont care enough about inazuma’s plot to look it up and see what happened. like ive met ei. i did her second quest. i know enough about raiden shogun to guess. i dont give a single fuck about kujo sara so watching her short-lived fallout from ideology is frankly unappealing. kokomi i liked only bc of a fancomic and the in-game version is much more disappointing. i still forget gorou exists. doing kazuha’s quest is frankly wasting the time i spend alive. i think there’s other characters in inazuma but i keep forgetting who they are so it’s like, whatever

why are itto and shinobu the only two characters from inazuma i actually like???

it is just impossible for me to be invested in inazuma story, and the same issue is happening in sumeru. sumeru the problem is a mix of spoilers but also that i am SO DONE with the traveler having three personality traits

1. i single-handedly saved countries. pay my allies no mind. isn’t it great i owned the jade chamber and that the anemo god is still awol and whatever the fuck went down in inazuma?

2. busybody

3. omg, sUCH a HERo

i really hate it!!!

every time i think im getting invested the focus shifts from characters and their interactions (i thought!!! little sick rich lady and body guard pyro lady and dancer hydro lady had a nice thing going on!!!) back to the traveler and their bullshit quest to go see the dendro archon (for what???? honestly if the writers REALLY cared about the story the motivation would stop being flimsy-ass lets travel teyvat uhuhuh and more ‘that dainsleif fellow is my closest link to finding my awol sibling and if i cannot find my sibling or the god that yeeted us here then by GOLLY i will track dainsleif and other khaen’riah survivors/relics across teyvat until i find one of them again)

(which like!!! could work really well for inazuma and sumeru bc 1. vision stopping might be sus enough for traveler to suspect abyss involvement. but also they got hit really bad by the cataclysm and 2. i havent done the quest yet but there’s a huge-ass ruin guard??? just lying around??? also the irminsul tree links whatnot)

MY POINT IS

i really hate that there’s no motivation to travel around and i hate the boastful traveler and i hate paimon’s screechy voice (i went back to see clips of mond and her voice is SO MUCH LESS SCREECHY) and i really, really fucking despise the grinding

why does every new character need a specific artifact. why do we have to grind so much. if i want to use any of my cast of characters i have to grind the fuck out of them first or they die in three seconds or do nothing. heaven forbid your character scale off anything but attack or hp with how rare things like energy recharge are. like

i thought it was just that i disliked fighting games. im kinda bad at them. and i dont like genshin fighting. i keep wanting to play a ton of rpgs (assasin’s creed, mass effect), but i get tired thinking about fighting. but then i realized, im like 40+ runs in on hades and still going strong. and that game is pure combat.

i just hate games where the combat feels meaningless

at least in hades i know each run brings me slowly closer to escaping the underworld. in genshin after grinding for a full hour (a bit longer than a long slow run in hades) i’ll be lucky if i got anything of use. maybe if you just fight bosses for ascension materials. otherwise get fucked

it just exhausts me and not even puzzles or exploration can make me not feel tired at the idea of playing (And god, i hate the aranara quest run around collecting seeds things.... it could be worse but it could also just be lile. a puzzle instead of dash dash dash con)

anyway i think imma take another break, probably shorter since genshin is what i play when i am bored simply bc its there and easy and i can quit after 5 mins with zero progress lost. a realization brough to you by the realization i was only logging in to get primos for nahida, who i have not met and whom spoilers did not endear me to (also she’s a kid character and except for klee i universally am extremely indifferent to them), whom i was told is “ultra good” for fighting and spiral. and who i’d still have to build up. on the off chance i win 50/50

yeah, no

#anyway the fact that every genshin player who likes the characters and the story just has an elaborate version of the plot and characterizat #where things are actually good #explains a lot about the hugely disparate characterization styles in fic and comic #aLSO ON THAT NOTE #the huge cast of pullable characters from the get-go is such a bad move story-wise #bc u do not have enough time to get invested in a character before they ship you off to the next money grub #like i get why they do it #gatcha game and all #but like #mond and liyue each kept a cast with you side-by-side from the start #mond it was jean starters diluc and venti #so 6 characters #and liyue it was childe and zhongli #so 2 #and the others got peppered in as needed #but inazuma kept punting you off to new gatcha waifu every three scenes and sumeru is doing the same #ffs

[merscylilith]

TOKREV SPOILER

Ch.261⚠️

( Sanzu is the 2nd Time Leaper ?)

I wonder, if Sanzu is really a 2nd time leaper, what actually he did in the future ? And who is his trigger? There are a bit off about all of these time leaping. Just like i said before, someone have been use the advantages of Kisaki's plans before. What's the goal of the 2nd Time Leaper, he must be hiding behind all these disaster.

Not gonna lie, it's a bit shocking if the 2nd Time Leaper is Sanzu.

Through all the manga, there are no hint of Sanzu pull anything behind all the disaster that happened, other than punished the traitors. I cant sense any relations of Sanzu became 2nd Time leaper OR he probably just got time leaping ability recently. But still, who's his trigger then? The one he really close right now is Mikey, it could be too.

Hanma tho.

There is a probability of Hanma have other ability. Not necessary of him leaping the time. As his nickname is Shinigami, he might have an ability that can predicted the death. We all knew the concept of Shinigami, and Hanma hardly having a hard time fighting a stronger guy. His comeback after 2 years, nowhere to be found, but then BOOM ! He became one of KMG executives. Im sure Mikey is not easily slide Hanma in after all Hanma being a part of murdering his sister, so, there are blank of explanation of Hanma in KMG in the first place.

This person could be sus too, Akkun.

People forgot about him, how he easily guess Takemichi can time leaping without any trace about time leaping. And how, the 3rd time Takemichi leaping the time to the future, where Akkun got blow up in the car, where Takemichi said, " it should have to be change, isn't ? ", while Akkun just slightly smile and definitly knew what Takemichi mean by that. Of course, the way he admited that he's the one pushed Takemichi off the train is sus, im sure it was not him. That person could be between Sanzu or anyone that havent been revealed about their true identity. I didnt suspecting Hanma, i means that person's hand got no tattoo.

What about Kazutora?

Even in the original timeline, Kazutora always been in jail for 12 years. He fully guilty about what he have done to Mikey, it's so sad to think that he always wanted to help Mikey too, Mikey lost his childhood friend and his only older brother to Kazutora's hand. BUT ! Kazutora is the only Toman Founder that still survived until that day, well, let Mikey aside. Im sure after those year, Kazutora must have done something that possibly could help his friends, amd even in original timeline, Kisaki might forgot Kazutora still alive and probably could avenged for his friends. So, for each timeline that Takemchi has been leaping to, Kazutora always been there, safe.

It's really hard to identified who is the real villain .

The ending that i wanted is, Mikey and Takemichi safe. BUT, the ending of Tokrev with Mikey realized what he have done, and he for sure knew, he should took a responsibilty of what he have does and go to jail. Takemichi will stay friend with Mikey, as Mikey have no one anymore. Sanzu might be off somewhere, Hanma's last sentence will be " what a pity life ". And the other, i cant says what exactly they will up to, because those person i have said just now, will be survived until the end.

Wakui should give us more details.

Black Dragon backstory details, the thought of KMG executive that from Rokuhara Tandai and Brahman when they got first into KMG, that was unfair how we got Taiju's backstory when he became 6th Captain, meanwhile there's no for KMG. Time leaping ability, Hanma story about The Parriot and The Clown, where Hanma have been for those past 2 years, Sanzu's real story about the scars, more childhood story about Kakucho and Takemichi. AND the most importantly, give us more about Takemichi's details other than, him being attracted to Hina, Kaku as his childhood and his spirit during the fight, im sure Wakui intentionly hides his infos for a reason. Proper reminiscing of Draken's death.

One thing why Wakui have to kill Draken's character before 2nd Toman Gen and KMG fight.

Draken could easily solo out of all KMG executives. From the spoiler, Taiju already beat the Legend Duo, then, Hanma defeat Taiju, so, the only people can beat Hanma other than Mikey is Draken. And also, im sure, Wakui doesnt wanted the fight between Mikey and Draken happened, that would be complicated ending of the fight. And the idea of Takemichi decided to continue the generation of Toman is really great ! I thought, he might make a new gang with goal to save Mikey but NO ! Takemichi probably wanted to save Mikey, the Former Captain of Toman as Toman living as All For One and which is the gang exist to save their friends that in trouble, basically, just how Baji wanted the gang living for.

Someone gonna wake Haitani up:(

I just need Haitani now :(( and Kakucho

#tokyo revengers #kantou manji gang #tokrev #bonten #tokyo manji gang #tokyo revengers spoilers #tokyo revengers theories #mikey sano #sanzu haruchiyo #hanma shuuji #takemichi #kazutora hanemiya #tokrev akkun #haitani #haitani brothers

[spikeinthepunch]

Cryptolalia - inspirations

theres a this like... meme on a discord i saw and i thought its be fun to write further about this in a blog post. so, heres 6 inspirations for my world... theyre all media admittedly, and i think i kinda made this list to remind myself to take another look at these as its been many years for a lot of them.

Eidolon (game) - the Oldest of my inspirations, its hard to explain as I havent touched this game since 2015 but like.... it greatly inspired by first ideas on some of the stuff that goes on in the world regarding weird powers/abilities. I do need to replay it and remind myself on Why it inspired me, tbh.

Steven Universe (series) – undoubtedly inspired by SU, it was ongoing during the period I made my Ocs and the alien/space stuff?? Yeah, couldn't deny it. Most even more so the emotional side of that show greatly impacted how I wanted to tackle my characters and story too in the larger scope!

Ratchet & Clank (game) – a long time interest that sparked my whole OC world, since my OC used to be fan characters. While the series is more lighthearted than what I plan to do, the world building of RaC (in the Future series mainly, and Rift Apart) has no doubt left an impression on me considering my characters started there!

Bearer Of The Heart (album) – I find a lot of musical inspiration because I really hope to communicate that in by world/story.... this album really hits narratively but also overall musically. Its hard to describe how music just. Feels a certain way, but it does. The artists common themes in scifi also generally inspire me too, as I love their aesthetics.

Floatillion (web comic) – Not too much to say on this one, as like many of the above I think I am inspired by so many parts of these things. Many bits and pieces spark something in me whether its the concepts, the tone, or writing. (this comic was left unfinished sadly but its a good read)

Outer Wilds (game) – undeniably the most recent media that made me think 'oh god I want this'. In terms of scifi, alien focus stories, it did so much I yearned for. But the way it did it (art style, music, etc) really got me too. Again music is a huge defining thing for tone in my eyes, so it really sticks out to me.

Eidolon is one i for sure need to revisit as i never properly finished the game. I dont think it will hold as strong to my story as it did then, but theres something tugging me towards it again.

I do feel like a lot of my inspirations media wise just pull me towards to many things at all the time. its kinda an issue- as it makes it hard for me to sit down and say "ok, this is what im gonna do", when i see a cool thing and think "ok i wanna do that too actually". but i think looking back at what hyped me up initially will be good to do so i can remember now in my Adult mind, what it is that stuck with me.

#cryptolalia

[jbnny]

well, it's pretty obvious to me, idk. maybe i'm wrong? first, he wrote multiple songs about a partner (spotlight / paranoid / trust issues) and talked about this in music-related interviews. second, remember when george gifted him the spiderman plushie for christmas 2022? he was messing with him for a while (even better if you rewatch the vod to remember their interaction) saying things like "i think you reaaally LIKE spiderman ;)" in a flirty way - which... is a really weird thing to say like that about a superhero franchise - and dream was hiding his face the whole time because of embarrassment trying to keep the convo going - but ofc gnf being gnf showed the plushie to the stream and you can see sapnap is amused as well by this bit. i think by reading their body language it's clear george was making fun of him for a crush of his, like something sus + spiderman-related happened with dream's gf and george and sapnap both know (sapnap is more careful though and doesn't say much in the clip, maybe bc he realizes he could accidentally expose dream). third, very recently when he made the reddit post about punz dream said "AT THIS TIME in my life i HAD very little experience with girls other than toxicity & abuse", which implies he's had better experiences after that - and the andi thing happened before december 2022, so. i think around nov-dec dream started hanging out with someone, obv i can't know if they're still together but it's undeniable he's been spending less time with snf, appearing less on stream and so on

hmm very interesting... im ngl i havent watched any of their streams since 2022 so I'll take your word for it.

regarding dream spending less time with snf, I thought it was bc of the grooming allegations against him... so it'd make sense why he wouldn't be on stream or even with them irl especially if his mental health took a dive

#asks

[semi-imaginary-place]

xenoblade chronicles x liveblogging and notes

im still not sure if this game connects to the others some are saying yes and others no so i guess i'll just go in release order.

why are the alien fights always happening near humans, either this is literally happening everywhere in the galaxy and earth is unlucky to get blown up or the alien fights have something to do with humans in particular. Yeah the xenomorphs attacked the white whale so humans arent just collateral but being actively targeted. Wonder what the deal ks with that, the other alien force too.

I still dint get what blade does but player character is getting pretty railroaded into it, what if they wanted to be a farmer? This really is like an mmo

how convenient the aliens speak english.

Nopon??!

Ok that percent on the big tower went from 60% to 55%. What happens when it reaches 0?

oh no the sexy woman alien. not the bare ass shot!

Oh hey we're a robot. That what a minesome(?) is? One of the sidequests brought it up. She wanted to get pregnant or something so i assumed it was a lab grown human situation but nah just a robit. Ok so everyone in new la is a mineosome and the fleshy bodies are in the lifehold? But wait I thought player character was from a piece of the lifehold or maybe I'm remembering wrong. What about linly 2 years is a long time for a teenager has she just not been aging i wonder how they're counting age. Either way child soldier. So we have flesh bodies in the lifehold. Some in mineosomes as crew on the ship and more mineosomes in reserve? And all the mineosomes are being controlled from the lifehold. Man their wifi must be really good surprised there havent been more problems where mineosomes disconnect. Oofies lifehold battery at 41% makes sense that if the mineosome wifi is up they can have this reading but i wonder if so much communication is possible why isn't there like gps on the lifehold so it can rely it's position.

Why is elma slumming it with us? She's experienced, had a command position (colonel?) Shouldnt she be like super important and also part of command)

Why are so many culture crash landing here. Humans, ganglions, uh what L is, the little blue dudes with the snouts.

So the lifehold was carrying 2 bodies for each person the flesh one and the mineosome that sounds like a lot. If the lifehold had the body of every person shouldn't it be huge? Why haven't ariel images shown it yet.

So everyone speaking the same language is some weird phenomena specific to the planet??

Several side characters have died. So assuming elma's story us true which sus. Then they might not be permanently dead either with their real bodies in the lifehold or through another robot body. Elma says that consciousnesses and personalities are being livestreamed from the lifehold but they arent stored in the mims.

The ganglions attacked nla to get that skell that was surrounded by tainted. Wonder what it is, something to do with that great one (sound like a cult) the grandmster boss dude was talking about. Why the hell is pc even here. Elma's the main character. Hoho? Elma thinks lao's traitor?

14% well clocks a ticking. I am very curious about the lifehold there's been so much narrative buildup and weight around that countdown. Lao's given into despair. Set us up to be killed but wanted to spare linly? Yuup.

Why is one of our party members just evil.

hmmm so lao has convinced himself that the equality of death is better than perpetuating an unjust system. that's so smt. would be interesting if he actually believed it, but he's just using this as an excuse to lash out in grief and despair because some rich's dude's family was chosen instead of his. Been wondering about elma for a while. originally thought the white hair and colors were the usual jrpg character design but no one else has while hair and now lao said something like elma wouldn't understand humans so now im wondering if she's like an designed human or something. elma is so main character coded fr.

Wait so the jewelry shop guy was considered essential or was rich enough to buy their way ont the white whale?

Whats his name is out here as a test model to mass produce people with implanted memories and personality

Why is L coming on the top importance military mission for the lifehold core. He's a scholar.

If 0.2% battery is 1000s or 15min (16.67 actually). Then 1000*500 to get 100% battery capacity or 500,000s. 500000/(60*60*24) = 5.79 days hmm doesn't seem right. Writers probably just came up with numbers. Or the battery isn't draining linearly with the ganglions attacking the shields.

i was wondering why every species had mechs like what are the chances so many different cultures made the same thing. and not only that but all the technology is compatible i can barely get an iphone to connect to a windows computer. so the ganglions see humans as an existential threat but also a violation of the sacred. oh the vita was that one mech that was super important. slugman says it can only be piloted by the great one. and then there's the question of how humans are connected to the Founders. one of them also said humans have technology that they shouldn't like that's part of another faction.

this is terrible design. on a spaceship space management is critical, all this empty space is a waste. yeah yeah shady organization lied. uh isn't bringing the back up power online more important than talking right now. like either could have talked on the walk and elevator ride up or talked after

elma is so main character special!

lore time. so founders=sammarans and humans are their descendants. idk what this means

yeah xbc1 was pretty transhuman but now we're really getting into it. idk about in... when was its game released? 2013? but i think it's pretty common knowledge that long distance space travel isn't very feasible with a lot of human bodies it'd be with like frozen zygotes or a text file for dna. btw you can already get your genome sequenced and get a big txt file. but a body isn't just the genetic code there's mitochondrial dna and all the cellular machinery that is inherited from one body to the next. this twist makes a lot of sense. uh elma im assuming you got the power up before giving this giant explanation and demonstration? also why wouldn't back up power automatically connect that sounds poorly designed.

where do you draw the line. yeah lao brought it up too that that even if he dies a new lao might be created without his consent (or possibly memories). what doug brings up is a common question if the new created person is the continuation of the original or a new person. "the ethical issues" yeah gurl you just pressed a button and made a cat people are right to be concerned.

probably should have made sure luxxar was dead before you started monologuing. who let lao out of his jail cell. oh yeah the ganglions made rock and then it's never brought up again that the ganglions are genetically engineering weapons. also what is celica? why do i feel like tatsu's hom hom line is important like the camera paused on him and everything. uh isn't it bad that luxxar is contaminating the the stuff that's suppose to remake all life on earth

damn. vulvahead. jsut how many final final bosses are there.

hmm not as gnostic as as xbc1 but yeah i can see it in the discussions about creation. the sumaarians created the ganglions and their descendants humans recreated themselves first as robots and then plan to synthesize earth life including themselves from scratch.

ah. human bodies have the kill switch trigger for ganglions as well as all the other species the samaarians synthesized.

also. anCient ALiens

i mean the copy of lao in the lifehold isn't quite the one that fused with luxxar. i don't know when that copy was backed up to but it couldn't have been later than losing contact with the lifehold when the white whale crash landed onto mira. that lao is still drowning in grief and never had the character arc of this game's events.

elma as special as a shounen protag. this has been way longer than 15 minutes. why would you need a unique biometric id to initiate backup power. that's such a fragile system. bad design. well unless there's some sort of renewable power system in the core it still needs to be hooked up to a permanent power source.

literally everything is elma. warned earth to prepare to get caught up in a war. which now that im thinking about it the ganglions were trying to win a battle AND destroy earth 2 goals in that battle. all the technology that looks suspiciously like other species? elma. robo bodies. elma. the mechs every other species has. elma

also ethics of space colonization and replacing native species with earth ones. re: red mars for world without any native life unlike mira which is full of it.

huh so the game ends with linly reflecting on a dream of searching for and returning to earth. or is that metaphorical about connecting with the other human ships. or is this about the samaarian homeworld?

this ended up happier than i thought. back at the halfway point a while back i was speculating that the lifehold would get destroyed and new la would be forced to continue on as it is. the lifehold is a sort of guarantee that the past is not lost, that humans can reclaim what they once had. it's a guarantee that they can be reborn endlessly. and if that was all lost then that would be a clean break between the past on earth and the future on mira. there would be no return to the past and no choice but to go forward into a new life on mira.

ost for this game is really good. it's like just off center of my tastes but i appreciate it. end song's a banger.

oh. I'd already assumed local storage because that's what made the most sense to me. so the higher up weren't lying as much as I thought. the lie was that consciousness was being wifi transmitted from real bodies in the lifehold to remote control the mimeosomes. when the truth (as they knew it) was that all that consciousness wasn't in a flesh body but a big computer. see the part i got wrong was i thought the core thing was life a usb or solid state drive, inert until accessed, just data. but in hind sight i ignored the narrative cues that the core is actually a computer running several thousand programs at once to simulate everyone's minds and that's what's wifi controlling the mims i mean why else would the core be using power, a usb or book doesn't use power to maintain storage the core must be doing something if the battery is draining. but then the stinger reveals that i just jumped a step ahead and there was in truth in truth no remote control and no live streaming consciouses. the game got me good! i thought i was proven wrong on my ending prediction.

and then lao washes up on a beach with a figure finding him.

story was good though I liked 1 better. x had 2 twists at the end where 1 was like being punched the entire time. the end was really good about payoff for all the tension that had been building up the entire game with the countdown, all the little things were brought together really well. satisfying conclusion. The beginning and middle of the game were meh for me. part of that is baked into the game design as basically a single player mmo. but xbcx has none of the best parts of an mmo which is running around goofing off with other people and all the worst parts of an mmo being tedious and repetitive with nothing much going anywhere or changing anything, just building up meters at base.

A good half of the party members seemed to just be there to fill space. Like Elma and Linly are the only critical ones. Then Tatsu, doug and the other nla humans are somewhat involved. But like Celica or L are completely irrelevant and I'd rather just have them as side quest characters then just stand around in cutscenes. the heart to hearts help but they like either go all in or dont bother at all. also the player character was totally unnecessary just let me play as elma.

im just ignoring all the skimpy clothes for women and fanservice.

#Xbc #Xbcx spoilers

[simphasocs]

Silence - Lore

TW: Thoughts of su*cide, depression, negative thoughts

So, I randomly decided to write something as I have a breakdown. I dont know, this is pretty messy and just... eh. I needed to let out some feelings so there. I honestly dont know if i wanna change Lore's UM but I might someday or something. The people here are supposed to be Rook and Azul but right now Im too tired to wrjte them in detajl. I dont know why i did this in first person either since I havent written a first person persctive in a long long while. My lack of sleep and breakdown explains the messy,.everytbinf. i really dont know what the hell i wrote but i wrote something, so yeah

I thought I was fine. Sure I was wrong to think that I can handle this by myself. I'm on my third year, I'm not foreign to the concept of asking help. I've done that before. In little things such as studying so I can understand the lessons better.

So why is it that I feel so terrified to ask my friends for help?

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe!

I can't—

I could hear a faint knocking on my door. I don't think I can face anyone right now, I can't.

As I hug myself tight, the headache never fading as I feel my vision swirl. If I were to collapse here and not wake up for a while... would anyone notice? Surely someone would, they're my friends after all. And yet, I still feel uncertain. What if they don't notice? What if no one does?

Again, the knocking continues except this time much louder. I hear a few voices but they sound so muffled to my ears that I don't know who it is. I don't think I want to know either.

I want to cry and scream but if I do then they'll hear me.

I'm so tired.

I just want this to be over with. I want everything to be over with.

There was a faint clicking sound from the door— no!

I can't let them see me like this! I can't let anyone know. If they know then what if they see me as a burden? What if they see me as pathetic? What if they hate me?

And with that, despite being exhausted in every sense of the word—I used what's left of my energy to use my unique magic. "Dream Well", so that everyone outside of my room can't get in. I know after a while they'll just get in but at least... at least I held them off for much longer.

Grasping my chest for air, I felt my pen. My shaking fingers carefully removed the pen as I examine it; black, it's covered in black...?

I don't... I didn't think I used my magic all that much...

I feel so lonely. I don't want to exist anymore. I want to talk to them but I'm scared, I'm terrified. I want to pretend I never existed. I want to be comforted. I want to feel safe. I don't want to be a bother. I want to fade away.

The thoughts are getting louder... I know I shouldn't listen, I already went through this. I shouldn't listen. I shouldn't listen.

And yet I do. Even as the thoughts are nothing but doubts and lies that hold no truth, I listen.

The thoughts that tell me that they—everyone— won't care if I stop existing. The thought that I'm nothing but a bother to everyone around me. The thought that I shouldn't have interacted with anyone so that they wouldn't be dragged into my mess. The thought that I should've left them when it was still early, that way I wouldn't be wasting anyone's time.

I feel something wet on my face, the moment I touch my face, I was pulled back to reality. When did I start crying...? My fingers are shaking too...

I guess I was hyperventilating the whole time...

The more I feel myself come back to reality, the more I notice things. Like how my vision is foggy. Or how the dulling pain in my head never left, same with the dizziness.

I've been stuck to my thoughts this whole time that I never heard myself speak, I don't think I even remember how I sound like. My whole body feels so numb and weak. Do I just give in...? Do I just let the fatigue get to me...?

I feel like I'm close to fainting, it's a good thing I'm on the bed. I won't bother anyone. I won't be anymore. I'll just stay here for a long long while...

I must've forgotten about the people at the door since I heard a the click of the doorknob, someone's probably gotten inside. I don't have the energy to check anymore...

I think I heard someone say something to me but I can't make out what they said. Everything sounds so muffled. My vision is slowly being covered in black and all I saw are yellow and white till—

I woke up a day affter that. I knew because they told me. I don't know why they're here by my side. I also don't know why I opened up to them. I still want to run away and pretend I never existed nor mattered but right now... I'm fine existing...

They made me feel like my existence isn't a burden. I don't really understand how nor why... but I tried to trust them and their words. For now I'll accept the help they're offering.

I'm scared still. I don't want to involve them in my messy private life any further than this. I really don't want to, I'm fine choosing to hide my presence and my existence than to trust people. I really don't want to be a bother. But... for now I'll allow myself to be. I'll ignore the thoughts telling me how much I'm wasting their time and efforts. How I'm a waste of space. How I don't deserve the help they're giving me, the comfort and kindness.

The thoughts get louder each moment but I ignore it. For now I'll endure it, for now I'll ignore it. For now I'll accept their presence by my side. I may not tell them the thoughts in my head for now or any time soon but I can allow them to see my physical weakness. The effects of thoughts. For now I'll be fine.

#SimpNeedsSomeSpace

[puppet2611]

//from 5.12.23

hey.... im going a lil cray cray over lf x a5 crossover au.. (also 8:11 bcz im a loser for oc x canon :3)(still coping over this stomache) if i dont send smth in 5 minutes shoot me im going too cray cray/j

lf already kind of has ties to a5 since the entities still being alive and just kinda moving around but not really - maybe ill age up adam and oliver to use as background characters but whos knowss

not canon or anything just a silly little thought but erm. what if all 3 were connected via religion 😁 emilio, natalia, charlotte and isabella from lf already have religious backgrounds, 8:11 practically revolves around religion and a5 entities pretending to be angels could wreck some havoc on the damned basilica teehee,,, since im too silly with char.ai most of the characters mentioned already interacted w/ 8:11 bots to kinda get an idea of how everything would play out even if it was ooc... younger emilio and amelia def actually confided in francis while everyone else was at least a bit suspicious (minus isabella but uhmmm. lore reasons) idk abt the entities since i havent rlly worked on anything but their designs but maybe ill give them different abilities and only one of them knows francis' true intentions:3c

OH YEAH idk if ill ever tell him abt it but maybee i could throw in adams ocs too since bros absolutely batshit insane over 8:11 rn. i have screenshots of him being insanely gay over a french guy btw if anyone wanted to see/j ANYWAY ehheheee maybe felix and samuel knew the martin kids at some point :33 bunch of religiously traumatized kids meeting, what could happen??? (felix and emilio both stabbed their siblings at skme point 💀) ANYWAYS i think sam and samuel would get along not just because uhh similar names but idk since were kinda split between making sam a bitch or actually nice... oh and i never drew sam or amelia properly yet whoops a5 exploded my mind

btw abt the entity mfs id like to think most of them usually stay in human forms except for atlas whos kinda the socially awkward one whod rather stay as an animal so no one tries to talk to him lmfao

but hes also extra so anyone at the basilica sees a fucking bear with antlers and the fur pattern of a deer and gets jumpscared (they all get used to it later and only vistors get jumpscared) OH AND ABT THE OC X CANON STUFF. not rlly shipping i just dk what else to call it but tee hee maybe isabella and vittorino have mad beef because her dad died at the basilica not soon after vitto joined so shes mad sus 😁😁 but only to be a bitch bcz she finds him utterly disgusting. her cousin allen kills him bcz he kinda was suffering anyway and she actually helped plan it loll

everytime girl comes across the stupid hoe they always glare at each other or get in a fight... usually verbal bcz natalia would go rabid if vitto tried to hit bella ykyk

oh and since im trying to align the stories together a bunch of ages r gonna have to change... idk if emilio or oliver is gonna be the older one but there is no way in hell a priest is younger than someone still in school... but then again overthinker wont stop comparing emmy to felix so ion wanna make him too close to blondies age but then again again felix is like 50 now... ill probably make emmy 36 and amelia 41 ig. klaus has too many white hairs to only be 40 anyway/hj but then adams still older than klaus.... i mean ig i could just use the excuse that he dyes his hair since he already has highlights

this is a whole mess uhm.

im unoriginal asf so emilio and jericho can bond over being people pleasers and cupioromantic but their first and only ever crush was abusive 😁😁 (<- definitely not projecting) (i lied. jericho only ever gets with elio bcz of that one time on valentines day irl) (im normal i swear)

OH WHILE IM TALKUNG ABT EMILIO. BEFORE I FORGET

bro went from snarky rude ass hoe to the most pathetic bird known to man for silliness reasons/hj

bros insanely mentally unstable, has chronic pain and heart problems, trust problems and definitely either a drinking or smoking problem. hell he can even jack both of them if he wants/j uhm. but i decided to make him less of a mary sue with all the language stuff n shit. idk if i ever mentioned it but who cares its my channel grr/j anyways instead lf the grocery list of languages he can speak, he can only speak english, greek, and belarusian 👍 also asl but idk if youd count that as smth he can speak

still torturing his pathetic ahh but anywayss abt that one tobias/future emilio art. the snake he has was originally gonna be named mobius for his symbolism stuff (and a hi3 ref/silly) but maybee i might rename the snake fang or michael as in adams late husband because uhmmm. what if adam was like a father figure to him when they met and he at some point got him a snake 👍👍 (he wouldve gotten a rabbit but uhm. vitto symbolism. and bro is traumatized from the vittorino ais..)

that is all for neow bcz i need to go take medicine 😭

#rant archive

[yaysandnays]

recovering documentation

this blog is another branch off of @ohmygodletmesignup (the other one being @amethyst-beetle ). i made this blog to document my process of recovering. i suppose this post will be my little introduction.

TW for mental illness, sh, and su!c!dal thoughts discussion

hi. i'm Calisto (Cal) or Beetle (Bee). i'm 16 years old and writing this on 4/2/2023 (or on april third if you give me a few more minutes). i'm currently trying to recover from depression, anxiety, and what i've been told is likely ptsd. i'm going to give an extremely watered down version of how i ended up with all those.

---------------

basically, before 7th grade started (i was 12ish), my mom, sister, and i moved to a whole new place bc of a job offer my mom got. that meant i had to start a new school, and the only good schools in the area were private catholic schools. so i went to one. now i was raised some flavor of christian, so catholisim wasn't too bad for me (at first). but everything quickly went downhill.

i made one extremely toxic friend after two weeks of extreme anxiety, and she didnt help my mental health in the least. after about a year with her, i was constantly on the verge of having panic attacks. literally every single day.

then, in 8th grade, my school made an openly homophobic move. i was questioning my sexuality at the time, and this didnt help.

finally, at the end of 9th grade, we moved back to our old town where we still live today. i was 15.

finally i could actually be openly transgender (trans guy, he/him) and bisexual for the first time ever. my anxiety and depression disappeared so quickly it was shocking. but some things stuck, things i didnt even know.

it was mild at first- and i didnt even know anything was wrong. sometimes i would be walking down the hall of my new school and see someone who looked similar to someone at my old school. it would make me question things, and i wouldnt be able to figure out where i was. it was a pretty easy fix though, just a few minutes and i'd be fine.

then it got so much worse.

i was in choir, and it's a tradition we sing hallelujah every year (though since it was my first year there, i didn't know lol). so our director gives us the music, and just reading the words makes me start to bounce my leg (something that means im either energetic or anxious). then we started singing. and i couldn't handle it.

i started shaking, a lot, and i had to tell the director whilst on the verge of tears that i couldnt do it. he excused me and i spent the rest of class in another room just trying to calm myself down.

'you're safe' 'you're ok' 'you're safe i promise' is what i told myself over and over and over again.

during the concert when we got to that song, i was excused.

then my mom tried taking my sister and i to a christmas mass a few weeks later. i lasted five minutes before i had to go to the bathroom where i spent the rest of the hour sobbing through a panic attack, trying to convince myself i was ok.

----------------------------

TLDR: catholic school, toxic friend, religious trauma

so that's what happened, now here's where i am.

i haven't hurt myself in over a year, maybe two now, and it's been at least a year since i've had a suicidal thought. i've found a lot of my triggers and can avoid them too, which is nice. i havent had a relgious trauma fueled panic attack in a while. i also have a therapist who listens to me.

i think it's also important i set some goals for myself too. and i think two are good for now.

write a post when i get unstable so i dont do anything bad

update this blog at least once every two weeks

i also want to make this blog for people going through the same things im going through now or went through. i promise it'll get better, and we can do it together.

#ptsd #mental health #another blog #vent kinda #tw #tw sh #tw su1cide #tw ptsd #religous trauma #we'll be okay #it gets better #tw anxiety #anxiety #tw depression #depression

[dear-self-this-is-you]

January 19, 2023 - 3:11 AM

Hello. After not posting for the longest time, I am back again. Not to rant, but to pray and talk to God. I am no saint & it's been really really bad. my relationship with the Lord right now is on the rocks and I've continued to badmouth him which im not proud of. by the start of the new year, i tried to be a good child - told myself i should be more optimistic and my greatest resolution for this year? to be a kind person coz i feel like thats the hardest thing to do as life tries to shoot me in the head with all these lifewrecking asshole shenanigans that i face on the daily. I was doing better. For a long time, I was trying not to curse - which I think has lessened but still at times I still cant help but find comfort at screaming bitching words in my head. For a while, thought I was doing good & progressing to becoming a better person with clean thoughts, full of hope, & faith. but then you know, life doesn't really go your way for the most part and unexpected things almost always happen - the good and the bad stuff. I don't vividly recall anymore how I got here but it got bad, like really bad. I was having episodes of mental break down every night and there's not a day that I don't cry. whats even worse is that i just spend every day on my phone trying to distract myself drom the merciless and negative thoughts lurking in my mind. I am still here with my family but it doesnt feel like it. Ive been gone long before. I dont even go out of my room and eat with them or watch tv. i dont. i just go out if i want to kidnap my niece who doesnt really want my kisses and cuddles. i dont even take care of myself as much as normal people do. and as much as i should. i dont take a bath and brush my teeth let alone look myself in the mirror in a day just because it feels exhausting for me. the normal routine a normal person does feels too heavy for me. thats how bad it has gotten. but yeah going back to trying to speak to the Lord - I just wanna say that i just hope my one and only dream that i sincerely desire and is deeply planted in my heart is still in line with what's meant for me. they say that it's meant for you if it gives you peace but thats not whats been going on. going back last year, the best thing happened to me - i got a job offer abroad which ive been dreaming for years!!! and whats even greater is that its an opp in London, of all the cities in the world, a door has opened for me in one of the brightest and richest places in the world. what a dream right? I was so grateful I couldnt ask for more and I was so happy to share the good news with my mom which made her also vv happy for sure. I prepared for the interview and had a whole long month of interviews. fast forward to processing the documents, i noticed my old phone was not in my possession anymore. as a memory hoarder myself, i found out that my mom gave my niece's nanny the permission to own that phone thats why she brought it back to her hometown. now all my pics & vids are lost which totally wrecked me. Thats how i got back to square one. became distant & angry with my mom & that nanny living in our house. up until now, havent gotten back the strong relationship with the Lord that I had built when he fulfilled my bigtime dream. But i was able to fully recover & heal from letting go of the memories I made with that phone - the nanny was gone but I wish her nothing but well although I mistreated her because of what happened. fast forward to today, i really dont know why things are happening the way they are now because i thought by now that fulfilled dream must have already come to fruition. i thought by now i was already living the london dream and going places. but still here i am waiting for what feels like so close yet so far. Lord, i really hope this is still meant for me. please let this be meant for me. ive shed billions of tears, got empty after being so empty, lost all my faith in every little thing & was so so so fed up. ive survived & still surviving the growing pains of this waiting game so please let there be light at the end of the tunnel.

[uth0ttm]

lADS EXCITING NEWS

maybe,,,,

IM NOT DEAD CACKLING SM-

AND OH MAN

THERES A LOT 2 TELL YALL ABT WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE TIME THAT I HAVENT BEEN ON HERE

SOME SPICY THINGS HAPPEN IN THIS STORY BUT NOT SUS SPICY, SO ILL PUT TWS FOR WHEN SAID THINGS APPLY

ALSO THERES A TLDR AT THE BOTTOM FOR YALL WHO STILL WANNA KNOW THE STORY BUT DONT WANNA READ SM

So like,,,

Awhile ago now, literal months has passed by since I've been on here but, I had deleted Tumblr bc it was just taking up way 2 much space on my phone and I wasn't using it much, which is understandable yk. Get rid of the things you dont use often for space. So I did

Well in the whole process of that shit happened

Biggest shit I never thought would've happened in HIGH SCHOOL of all places like miss gurl this shit was wack

So last December I met a girl and her friend because I was hanging out with my then gf in the library, and I overheard this girl and said friend talking abt Resident Evil: Village (if you don't know what this game is by this point in time u are fr living under a rock my guy-/lh), and specifically about Lady D. And now I know I shouldn't have been eves dropping or continuously listening in 2 their conversation, but I honestly couldn't help it bc literally no one else except for maybe 3 other people would talk abt things like Resident Evil bc this high school was built in probably one of the most mormon places u can find in Canada that borders the States-

So for that reason, ofc I was gonna be invested in their Convo. Well after listening for a bit, I politely excuse myself from my then gf bc she was doing homework at that point n it seemed like I was just gonna be bothering her rather than having her also be excited abt these two other people talking about RE. Then gf let's me go over and so I honestly pretty timidly walked up to the two cuz they're sitting at a table in the library, and I asked if I could sit down with them and talk to them because I've never heard anyone else talk about RE in this school. I did also apologize for listening in bc the conversation they were having could've been personal life details, but it was all about RE when I was listening in, so at least I wasn't intruding in that aspect. Anyways, the two let me sit down and talk with them, and the both of them are really excited to have another person to have sit down with them and talk about what seems to be one of their fixations and so we talk for quite a while before having to go home. What I didn't realize is that this girl has been on my bus the entirety of grade 12, and even though I sat in the back and she sat in the back, I never took notice because I was more focused on my brother, who was in grade 9 at the time, and unfortunately (or fortunately, however you wanna put it) I am quite overprotective of said little brother. But also, when I say this girl sat in the back of the bus, I meant it was WAY back, and this is because she is permanently in a wheelchair. Now you may be asking "what's so important about that fact, why do you have to specify that?" Well I have to specify it for later on in the story because it ties into the insanity I faced later on in this story. So she's in the very back of the bus because we have the bus that's meant for people permanently in a wheelchair to help them get onto the bus, and once she's on the bus, the whole way back home I'm talking to her, and I introduce my friends I already had to her because she's a really cool person and I have no clue why I've never noticed/spoken to her in the first place.

Well fast-forward to only a few weeks later, we've become really good friends, this girl (who I will continue to call S) and her friend (who I will call G) have full on integrated into our friend group and are all getting along great with each other. Plot twist, or so I thought, because I found out way later on that my then gf had been going behind my back to 2 of our other friends and ranting about how jealous she was of S and how I had apparently been spending way too much time with her and G, and not enough time with her, even though whenever I'd go to spend time with someone, it was always her. I was stuck to her side as the loyal golden retriever bf. Yet she was going behind my back and claiming that I wasn't spending enough time with her and all my time was going to not S AND G, but only to S. She was getting severely jealous of S because she thought I was going behind HER back and was cheating on her with S. My gf at the time even accused me of such in private and I had to prove that I had never, would never, and could never cheat on her because I'm too loyal to do so, plus S had already stated that she was AroAce due to childhood trauma involving her moms bfs when she was little, because with her being in a wheelchair, she didn't want to end up getting into an abusive relationship herself, because she has no easy way to get out of something like that, especially with having muscular dystrophy. I told my then gf that as well. Eventually said gf believed me and things were smoothed out, at least I thought so, but as time went on, then gf was still very jealous and still going behind my back and saying mean things about S.

So fast forward to April of this year. I'm really excited about this month because the 23rd of this month would have marked mine and said gfs one year anniversary, so ofc I was excited. That and at that point S and G where really close friends of mine, especially S because we found we had a lot of the same interests as each other, and even if we didn't, whatever interest the other wasn't into, we'd still hype each other up about it and state how cool it was even if we personally weren't into it (and this is how she got me into the band Ghost all the way back in January, but that's another story for another time-). Well, I was also excited about April because about a week prior to it being April, student council had announced they were gonna have a talent show event, and I didn't know this but S was gonna be in it! When she told me I was really excited about it because she's a real good singer and she knows all about music because that's what she's good at besides art. So she's telling me all about it because she came to ask me what song, specifically from Ghost, she should do, and when I gave her a few suggestions, she deliberated on them and had chosen Life Eternal. After a little while of us talking, she had also asked if I would perform with her so that it would be a little less freaky to perform in front of the whole school, and although singing in front of people scares me (I'll only do so in front of my brother and people I'm really close to usually), I agreed to sing with her because I will do anything for my friends. Little did I know however, this would only make my then gf MORE jealous. So anyways, time goes on, we did the talent show, it was pretty fun and as a last minute decision I had decided to paint half of my face in Copia/Papa IV's papa makeup, which made S really happy, and all day and a few days after, we won't stop talking abt how wicked we were, even though the thing as a whole wasn't, we were just happy and excited about our part we had in the talent show. This happened on the 12th of April. Fast forward only a couple days later, the 15th. At this point said gf and I had quite a few arguments, all started by her, all somehow involving S, and all deescalated by me. However, things weren't gonna be deescalated this time, since then gf had cheated on me the night beforehand with some guy. I was obviously taken aback by this because why would you ever do that? Anyways, we break up that day, but we don't tell any of our friends because we don't know how to break the news to them. Or so I thought. Even to the last minute, then gf had found a way to blatantly lie to my face. Remember how I've been saying then gf would go behind my back telling 2 of our other friends how jealous she was of S? Apparently she had PLANNED THIS WHOLE CHEATING AND BREAKUP SCHEME AND THOSE 2 FRIENDS ALREADY KNEW WE WERE GONNA BREAKUP

I only found out about this whole thing the next month, in May. But I went along with this big lie, which I only thought me and then gf knew about. Anyways, a week later is when S finds out we've broken up because finally it was decided by then gf and I that maybe the rest of our friends should know, and we all individually told them, although I didn't exactly one on one tell S about it, she found out through one of my Instagram stories, and so S being S, she runs to my DMs about it and asks if I'm ok. I tell her truthfully that I am, I've gotten over it, this and that, just generally reassuring my best friend that I would be ok, but if I had to, I would come to her if I was feeling sad.

Anyways, another week passes by, and S comes to me on discord really confused, and honestly pretty scared, and so me being a good friend, I sit down and listen to her. She reveals to me that she thinks she's started to have feelings for me, but since she doesn't really know how that feels, mainly due to her trauma induced AroAceness, she is currently freaking out about it because she doesn't know if they're actual feelings, or if it's just her brain trying to play tricks on her and whatnot. She then proceeds to profusely apologize because she knows this is bad timing on her part since I had just gotten out of a relationship and she feels really bad and like I'm going to hate her for such. But I reassured her that her confessing this to me wasn't going to make me hate her in any aspect, especially because she was confused about what her feelings were. In the end, I told her I would think about things and tell her the next day whether or not we could take things further, and then we went on like that and just didn't revisit the topic for the rest of the night. So the next day, I come back and tell S over discord that we can further what's happening and just kinda see what happens. I was expecting her to jump right in when it came to a relationship, but she held back and told me outright she couldn't be in a relationship yet because she didn't want to get into a relationship with me, and then a week later break up with me because she got too scared and couldn't handle it because she didn't want to be the next person to break my heart, especially since it was broken not that long ago. I respectfully accepted that and asked her where she wanted to go with that, and thus started her journey on learning to be ok with dating, and that not every person was going to abuse her like she had seen when she was little with her moms boyfriends. Weeks go on and whenever the topic of being in a relationship came up, it was always her asking me questions so she could be more comfy with the idea of a relationship. This whole time shes trying to figure things out is probably one of the hardest things she's experienced because she doesn't exactly know what to do, hence why she asks questions involving relationships, and so I answer to the best of my abilities. This whole time shes also really amazed and confused at how patient and nice I'm being about the whole thing and that if this were anyone else they most likely would've given up, but I got all cheesy on her and told her that if you truly love someone, you will be there for them no matter what, and that seemed to reassure her any time she was so confused about my patience towards her.

Anyways, it comes to be mid-May, the 17th to be exact, and the whole time I've been helping S figure what's going on out, we've become really close. We haven't talked about relationship things all the time leading up to this point, but it's been enough to help her get more comfy with it. Anyways, the night of the 17th of May, we get back onto the topic of relationship stuff, and it ends with her saying she thinks she's finally ready for a relationship!! She says that she's still a little scared and that there's still a gross feeling in her tummy when she thinks about being in a relationship, but she tells me that she's pretty sure it's just her brain trying to trick her, and her best bet is just jumping right in at this point because she doesn't think she can get any more comfortable, and in her words she said "what's the worst that could happen!" (Keep this in mind because this is kinda funny tying into this next part of the story) so at 10:56 PM, on May 17th, S finally said yes to being in a relationship with me, and today, September 17th, marks 4 months we've been together!! It's really exciting because even before being in a romantic relationship with her, the platonic one we had was one of the best friendships I've ever had, and since knowing her, I have been extremely happy and I could not be more thankful for having her in my life. One of my favourite nicknames for her is Skrinkle, which is just a deformed way of calling her my scrungle, and she calls me Scrinch, which is her romantic name for me that is literally just an inside joke about the Grinch, but idm, I think it's pretty cute lmao.

But, that's not the point, unfortunately story does not end at me getting my happily ever after with my absolutely beautiful gf, no, we're still on abt my ex gf, bc she's ✨fucking insane✨

And no, I don't joke about that. This isn't a classic case of the one ex over exaggerating how wack their ex is, no, my ex is literally fucking insane I swear to you. This is because the next day, our friend group is at school and it's lunch time, at this point ex gf stopped hanging out with us ig because I was there kinda thing. Anyways, one of our friends, who was also one of the ones ex gf had been talking to behind my back, tells me, Skrinkle, and a bunch of our other friends that she is scared for specifically Skrinkle's safety, because recently my ex gf has apparently been making death threats to Skrinkle in an entirely separate server where only my ex, and the 2 friends she was talking to were in, and ex gf would always try to poorly disguise said death threats as vents that she needed to get out

Now TW here for certain people

Now this is the part in the story where, if you've forgored, you remember that Skrinkle/S/my gf is in a wheelchair because of a disability she has because my ex gf, within her disgusting, hate-fueled rants, said on multiple occasions she had wanted to push Skrinkle down a flight of stairs, there was another instance where she talked about walking behind her with a hammer and wanting to bash her skull in, and, this is the fun part, last night (which would've been the 17th of May, the day we had gotten together), she had written a several paragraphs, of in depth details on how she wanted to murder Skrinkle. She had written these details an hour after me and Skrinkle got together. Now rightfully everyone sat there in stunned silence after our friend had told us this but she said she told us so we would be safe because she genuinely was scared one of us would get hurt, especially Skrinkle. I just kinda looked at Skrinkle and joked about how she had said "what's the worst that could happen" after she decided to say yes to being in a relationship with me, and we had just found out that the absolute worst that couldve happened did happen, and it was an hour after we had gotten together. Anyways, we continue talkig on about this, mainly about what we should do in this situation bc its really fucked up, but partway through I start overthinking bc I'm just like aw fuck I got her into this mess, she's gonna get hurt bc of me, this that n the other thing yk, n I start breaking down. People start freaking out bc they've never seen me cry so they're trying to make me feel better but I'm just having an absolute moment over here fjsjdnd-

Anyways, I calm down eventually and we get things sorted out but uh

yEAH-

THATS THE BASIS OF WHATS HAPPENED TO ME THE PAST LITTLE BIT IVE BEEN GONE

AND NOW IM IN COLLEGE THATS WACK-

BUT BESIDES THAT SHIT THAT HAPPENED MY LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, THINGS ARE DOING ALR AND MYSELF AND MY NOW GF ARE DOING GREAT!!

THANK U 2 THOSE 2 READ THE WHOLE THING

ITS QUITE A LOT

WHICH BRINGS ME TO OUR TLDR SO LIKE

Tldr; I met a new girl who's physically disabled, became friends w her, ex gf got jealous of her, we broke up bc ex cheated on me, girl I became friends with caught feelings for me, we eventually got 2gether, and my ex gf plotted to kill a disabled person and made wild death threats and whatnot (some involved pushing her down the stairs), but dw we're both safe and thriving now and I'm currently in college :>