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strawberryspence · 3 years

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when death knocks on your door

Angst/Fluff [18+] | Spencer Reid x FEM! BAU! Reader

Summary: Some trauma tears people apart, while some brings people together. SSA Doctor Spencer Reid and SSA Doctor Y/N Y/L/N is brought together by the death of SSA Emily Prentiss.

Word Count: 3,13k

Warnings: based on the Ian Doyle/Emily Prentiss character arc so some spoilers for s6-s7. talks about death (a lot of it), mention of drug use, allusions to depression, attempted suicide (nothing graphic), mention of cancer & car crash, a few curse words, description of smut, its very vague (one part only), mentions of therapy, HAPPY ENDING (i am not a monster)

Writer's Note: Hello! A bit of a heavier topic on today's fic! I picked apart the whole Emily arc and this is written basically in the reader's perspective. I love writing angst but I can never end it with sad endings. So I hope you enjoy this, I am very proud of how it turned out! 💛

GIF is made by yours truly. Its surprisingly hard to find "purple shirt + sweater vest spencer reid" gifs.

Death.

Death comes in different shapes and forms.

For Spencer, he has seen it up close with Haley and Hotch, but never with someone in his family or close group of friends. He sees death in the form of abandonment, in ways when people leave him and a part of him goes with them.

For you, you were familiar with death. Death looms over you. You’re father dying when you were younger and then you’re mother in your teens.

Death comes when your father was killed in a car accident involving a drunk driver. It was fast, in a blink, death sweeps him and takes him. All her father’s life and dreams gone in a second, with a crash.

Death comes when your mother was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer, the fucking bitch, takes her time. It was slow, like it was enjoying the pain. It takes and it takes till its taken everything and the last thing it has taken is your mother.

And death comes when it takes Emily Prentiss. This was your best friend, partner in crime and roommate. Her death wasn’t fast, it wasn’t slow, its painstakingly in the middle while you try to get her blood off your hands while sobbing in the SUV as Derek drives way past the legal speed to get to the hospital.

In her death, you find yourself being swallowed by something that you were not. Something bigger, something you can’t describe. The team sees this weeks after she has been buried. You were the same person, and you were a different person, all at once.

One night, when death was about to knock on your door as you hold a knife to your wrist, ready to meet Death, ready to tell him off, it is then when chance knocks on your apartment door.

Spencer is at your door, a sobbing mess with three bottles of dilaudid clenched in his hands. He stumbles in your new apartment avoiding the piles of boxes unopened. You just moved, not being able to sleep in the apartment you and Emily shared.

“I am sorry. I-I am sorry, Y/N. I didn’t know where to go. JJ was... busy and I am so close... so close.” Your heart softens at how desperate he looks, Spencer doesn’t know how strong he is to you, being able to ask for help when you were just about to end it all.

You take the bottles from him, setting it on the counter as you guide him to your couch. He clings to you as you both sit on the couch, crying and sobbing.

“Death is among us. Avoiding him is what makes us stronger." You whisper to him and he cries harder.

Something is so bitterly comforting when someone shares the same pain you are suffering. It hurts, but in a funny way, it hurts less when some shares it with you.

So you cling to Spencer as he does to you and you let it all go. You cry as much as he does as he holds you and as you hold him.

You both wake up the next day, with a full 8 hours of sleep, something you both have not had in weeks.

“Thank you.” Spencer whispers and you smile, stroking his hair, “Thank you.” You say it back at him.

You were sure that Emily is laughing at her grave. I had to die for you to finally make a move on your crush. You shake her voice off your head. Now is not the time for silly crushes.

It becomes a routine, finding comfort and safety in each others presence, Spencer almost lives in your apartment. His toothbrush sits on the cup besides yours in the bathroom counter, his clothes takes up half of your closet, his books scattered on the shelfs and his cups on the kitchen counter.

You tell yourself its platonic. Spencer tells himself its platonic. The team doesn’t say anything, only thankful that you were reverting back to your old self and Spencer is getting better.

You want more. It was hard to admit to yourself. But you wanted more with Spencer. Your little crush now growing into something bigger than yourself. You wanted futures full of him and what you have right now is not right. Shared trauma is not love.

Three months into the set up of him basically living in your apartment, you suggest therapy for both of you. You are a Doctor of Psychology and you know the percussions of what you’re doing.

Spencer is shocked but he understands. This was your territory, Spencer knows that this was the right thing to do so he agrees. You lay out all the options to Spencer, all the therapy and how both of you should change your routines more often.

It works. He stops sleeping on your bed every night (he still comes tho, just on the harder nights where he needs to hold you to remind himself that death has yet to take you).

You have breakfast together every morning, using it to comfort each other rather than sleeping together every night. It works.

The therapy helps you both as you both move on from Emily’s death. That is until seven months later.

Declan was missing. You’ve let the Emily case go but Derek has not, you know this and you let him. Every time you want to do something to help Derek catch Doyle, your doctorate that hangs above your couch stares back at you, like it was taunting you. You studied this, moving on was the better choice and you know it. No amount of killing Doyle would bring back Emily, no amount of it would make you feel better.

That is until Hotch gathers the team on the conference room.

“Everybody have a seat.” Hotch instructs. You all look at each other. Spencer looks at you as if asking if you knew what’s up but you only shake your head.

“Why?” Morgan asks, looking around.

“Seven months ago, I made a decision that affected this team. As you all know, Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle. But the doctors were able to stabilize her—“

“What?” You squeak out. Hotch holds his hands up, asking you to hear him out first.

“She was airlifted from Boston to Bethesda under a covert exfiltration. Her identity was strictly need-to-know and she stayed there until she was well enough to travel. She was reassigned to Paris where she was given several identities, none of which we had access to for her security.”

Spencer can see how your face pales. He reaches for your hand under the table and gives it a tight squeeze. You return the squeeze, finding comfort in his touch.

“She’s alive?” Penelope asks, tears now forming in her eyes.

“But... we buried her.” Spencer says, like its a fact. Like its the solid truth. Your hand clamps down harder on his.

“As I said, I take full responsibility for the decision. If anyone had any issues, they should be directed to me.” Hotch says and all you can do is look at him, not able to believe anything he is saying.

“Any issues? Yeah, I got issues!” Derek’s loud voice now looming over the room.

“Oh my god.” Penelope squeaks making the whole room turn around. You turn around and you see Emily walking to the room. Your hold unto Spencer tightens, as if checking if he is real, you want any sign that this is not a dream, that this is real.

“I am so sorry. I really am. Not a day went by that I didn’t want to...” Emily explains.

Death comes and it takes, and it takes, and it takes but never has Death give someone back to you.

Emily was standing in front of you. The woman whose blood stained your hands for days, the woman you buried, the woman who’s grave you cried on for god knows how long that Derek had to physically carry you away from her grave and here she was breathing and hugging the team.

She comes in front of you and you still haven’t let go of Spencer’s hand.

“Y/N?” She says, it comes as a whisper. A whisper, coming from the ghost that has been haunting you for months. She opens her arms for a hug and you let go of Spencer to hug her.

She was real, she was solid and she’s hugging you back. So why, in the mountain of emotions you are feeling, why is happiness in the bottom of the pit? Why is anger the one screaming in your heart?

You pull away, and she hugs Spencer but as soon as she lets go, Spencer captures your hands again. Emily sees this and smiles, but doesn’t say anything.

“There’s so much I want to tell you guys, and I will. I promise. But right now I really need to know what’s going on with Declan.” The team continued to discuss Declan and Spencer holds unto your hand like its his life line. You only break apart when the team has to work again.

He gives you one look as he separates away from you, “I got you.” He says, kissing your temple before leaving to go to the interrogation room.

That was enough to calm you down.

The team gets Declan back safely and after all the trials, you finally had a moment to breathe.

“Hey, you doing good?” Spencer asks. You nod. He looks good, he looks like home in a purple shirt and sweater vest.

“Do you want to go home?” He asks you. You want to shout but you’re my home! You nod and he takes your scarf from your desk and wraps it around you.

“Let’s go?” You smile at him as he wraps it around you. It felt so domestic, so familiar.

You walk together to the elevator, leaving the BAU and all the piles of emotions that you’ve been through this past few days. As you both stand in the silver tin box, you see your reflection with him standing beside you, his arm around your waist and your head on his shoulder.

You wanted to scream how much you love him. But the voice in your head screams back, he doesn’t love you! It’s shared trauma! You shake your head and Spencer sees this.

“You okay? How are you feeling?” You smile up at him, as he looks at you with all the worries that a person can hold for another one.

“Yes, I am good, Spence. How about you?” He smiles and kisses the top of your head. “I am good. I just need time to process some of the things that has happened.”

Spencer drives you both home. Spencer doesn’t take the word hate lightly but Spencer hates driving. He still drives tho, for you. Holding your hand while he drives with the other, while you were staring out of the window, just watching the places blur by.

Death waits on your door and when the right time comes, it will knock. When it does, you can’t turn it away or send it away. When it knocks, it sweeps you off your feet, leaving no time for goodbyes or regrets. Ironically, Spencer walks you to your door, opening it for you and even taking your scarf off for you.

Your heart almost grows twice its size and you can feel yourself bursting in its seams. You find yourself closing the door, as if trying to block Death away from him. He smiles at you and something bursts inside of you.

“I love you, Spence.”

He drops your keys on the bowl on your hallway and he smiles, teasingly. “I love you, too, Dr. Y/L/N.” You smile but you shake your head.

“No Spence, I love you. With my whole heart... I mean, of what’s left of it. W-we need to stop, if this is only a shared trauma for you. I can’t be that... because... I love you and I want futures with you. Any kind of it, as long as you are there, every morning with a cup of hot coffee for me. If that’s not possible, we need to stop. Because my heart...” You hold unto the edge of the table for strength.

“My heart... is not strong enough to lose you and love you at the same time.” Spencer stares at you, confused with a certain spark in his eyes.

“W-why are you saying this now?”

“Because death is at everyone’s door. Emily is lucky. But what if it takes me tonight, or tomorrow? I don’t want to die without telling you that I love you.” You say, bracing yourself for the impact of the rejection.

Spencer walks to you, holding your waist to steady you.

“I love you, more than anything in this world. I have love you even before Emily died. This isn’t shared trauma, it’s been love way before that. If it's anything, it made my love for you grow deeper. You... helped me heal. You pushed me to go to therapy. You made me stronger, Y/N.” Spencer holds your face and brings you into his arms and you clung unto him as he hugs you.

“I love you... I love you so much.” You whisper to him and he hugs you as close as humanly possible.

Spencer lets go of you but cups your face to lift it closer to his face. Spencer kisses you like it was the last time you can ever kiss him. It felt like a fever dream you once had. The fire of the kiss fills in the cracks in your heart, slowly but surely healing it all at once.

Life, the direct opposite of death, has always been hard to describe. Death was easy to describe for you but Life? it was a struggle. But with Spencer kissing you, as he holds your hand and your face, so tenderly like you were going to break, you finally realize what life is supposed to be. It felt good being alive, it felt good to be breathing.

You and Spencer sleep together for the first time that night. It is in one word, unbelievable. It was as if the universe has planned it all along to teach you what it felt to be alive, as he pushes himself inside you, whispering nothing but sweet praises and promises of futures together in your ear. You wake up, hours after making love, tangled with him and the bed sheets, with you in his arms.

“I love you.” You whisper to him, brushing through his hair as he sighs to your touch, snuggling more to the crook of your neck.

The morning comes in a breathe. Easy and fast. You wake up earlier than Spencer, untangling yourself from him to make him his daily morning coffee.

A knock comes and it almost makes you drop his mug. Looking up at the clock, it was only 7 in the morning. The thought disappears as another knock comes. You open the door and today life offers you Emily Prentiss.

“Hey, good morning.” She says with a smile, you give it back, still not used to seeing her, alive.

“Hey.” You smile looking at her as you let her enter.

“Pen said you had my boxes.” She looks around on the apartment. “Its not here. Its on the garage downstairs. Do you want it right now?” She nods. “Oh. Uhm, the team actually helped me move it there, its a little heavy...”

“Okay... I’ll get the team to help me later.” You nod but don’t say anything and the silence is so loud, it’s deafening.

“Can we talk?” Emily asks, in a gentle voice. Almost like she’s talking to a toddler. You shake your head. “We can, but not today... I need to process some things first and I need help with it. We can talk this weekend, after my therapy.”

“Therapy?” She repeats. You nod. “Therapy.” She bites down her lips, you know Emily enough to know that she feels bad about it.

“I know it’s not your fault, Em. I understand, but I just... need time. I... buried you. I cried on your grave and for months, I had to accept the fact that you were... dead.” Emily nods, opens her arms for a hug and you gladly accept it.

“I’ll give you as much time as you need. You are my bestfriend and I love you.” You nod and hug her tightly, reminding yourself that she was alive, and that was what’s important.

The hug was cut short when Spencer comes out of your bedroom half naked.

“Spencer?!” Emily almost screams as she pulls away from the hug.

“O-oh... I-I didn’t know you were here...” He says as he slowly backs up the door and picks up a shirt to wear.

“When did this happened!?” Emily is definitely losing her mind now.

“Uh... Last night?” You said, not exactly sure as to when it started. Emily’s mouth drops in surprise and Spencer can only smile at her offering her a cup. “Coffee?” Spencer says with a smile and a shrug that makes both you and Emily laugh.

Emily doesn’t stay long after that, opting to leave the two of you to spend some time together. Spencer and you end up in the couch, huddled together in a huge blanket you both knitted together with cups of coffee in hands.

“So... Are you officially moving in with me?” Spencer looks down at you. The steam of the coffee colouring your cheeks a bright pink colour.

“Do you want me to?” He asks, smiling at you. Spencer loves you, in ways he didn’t know he possibly can and he’d give you anything you want. You could ask for the stars and Spencer would build a rocket just to get a few to give to you (even if he knows it was impossible because, well, stars are made of gas.)

“I want you everywhere. You... are my home.” You say softly, as your hands caress his cheeks.

“Then, I am moving here, love.” He says as he kisses your forehead and you lean unto him as you wrap the blanket tighter around each other.

“I love you.” He says as you lay your head on his chest and he brings you closer to him. You smile and whisper it back. “I love you more.”

Most people say that time heals pain. It, truthfully, does not. Love does, love in the corniest way possible, mends your soul in ways that are not physically possible.

When Death knocks on your door it will be in different shapes and forms, but so will love and for you, love came in the shape and form of Spencer Reid.

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semisgroupie · 3 years

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The Woman Who Used to be Mrs. Jones

Genre: smut, fluff (kinda at the end?), angst

Pairing: Aoi Todo X F!Reader

Word Count: 6.4k words

Warnings (some of the content can be triggering so please read through the warnings before reading this): cheating (in this Todo is the other man/reader is in a loveless marriage where her husband cheats on her/her husband is just a huge asshole), toxic relationship, sexual scenes, unprotected sex (don’t be silly wrap your willy), oral sex (f! and m! receiving), dirty talk, multiple creampies, bathroom sex, praise, risky sex (they fuck at a party the reader and her husband is hosting), mention of a small altercation between Todo and reader’s husband, mention of a child & brief mention of pregnancy (not detailed), if I missed anything let me know

A/N: I do not condone, support or encourage cheating! It is not good, don’t do it! The song Me and Mrs. Jones by Billy Paul helped me with creating this piece so I recommend listening to it while reading this. This has depicted sex within this so MINORS DNI (I’m not gonna cry bc I don’t cry but I am not afraid to beat some ass) So I hope you all enjoy it, comments/reblogs are very appreciated!!! I also apologize in advance if formatting is weird on mobile :/

Flashbacks are bolded & italicized! Also separated by a border!

Todo walks up to the counter of the cafe and orders the usual for the both of you. He came early since he was done with work earlier than usual so after paying for the drinks he carried them to the special spot you two shared. Once seated he takes his phone out to check the time while taking a sip from his drink.

The time read 5:45. You got out fifteen minutes ago and your job wasn’t too far from the cafe, so you’d be there soon. The bell chimed to the cafe and Todo looked up to see you walk in.

His heart pounded in his chest, you looked as beautiful as you did the first day he met you all those years ago in high school. Once you two made eye contact you flashed him a smile and made your way over to him.

“Hey baby, I didn’t think you’d be here before me.”

He felt his cheeks flush at the pet name. You leaned down to hug him and give him a kiss, placing your hands on each side of his face caressing him as your lips met. Once you pulled away you sat down and started talking about your day at work.

He couldn’t help but lose focus as to what you were saying. He knew your day was tough from how your hair looked a bit disheveled from running your hands through it, a habit you had picked up when you were extremely stressed.

Time passed as the two of you spoke about each other’s days and then you were both done with your drinks.

“Wanna go home now Aoi? As much as I love it here I found this new recipe online that I would really like to try out!”

He nodded as you both got up, tipped the cashier one last time before heading to your shared home. The distance was short from where you both were currently and when you two were together even one hundred miles would feel like two blocks.

As Todo put the key in to unlock the door he sighed in content. Once you both were inside he took your jacket off and put it away. He leaned on the kitchen island while you started taking out ingredients for dinner.

“This isn’t a dream right Y/N?”

It just felt so unrealistic to him he just had to be dreaming. Your laughter filled the air as you walked towards him. You wrapped your arms around his body and looked up at him.

“While we did this in the most unconventional way it is very much real” you removed your left hand from his body to put your hand close to his line of view, “this ring you gave me a few months ago is proof of our love and the ring I gave you on your left ring finger is also proof of my love and dedication to you.”

Unconventional? Was that even the right word to explain the events that led you both to where you are now?

You started your arrangement with him two years ago. You became “Mrs. Jones” a year before that. A happy marriage was wished to the both of you, but your marriage was anything but that. Six months after you both said your I do’s you found your husband in bed with his boss. They didn’t even think about trying to conceal their affair.

To say it broke your heart was an understatement. You felt like he ripped your heart out of your chest and destroyed it slowly as you watched. Soon there were lonely nights filled with you drinking and crying yourself to sleep. Soon after you just became numb, you got used to putting up a facade whenever your friends or family asked how married life was.

The only one who knew of the affair and how horrible your marriage actually was, was your best friend Valerie. When she first found out you had to hold her back the next time she saw him because she was just filled with rage. You were trying to find a good divorce attorney, but you just didn’t have enough money yet, so you were stuck for the time being. Then it was time to plan how to celebrate one year since the day you married him.

Valerie said that she would bring a special surprise for you, but you just pushed it to the side. You settled on hosting a party at your parent’s house since it was big enough. The fake smile you had plastered on your face burned your soul more than the cheap ring on your finger. A cheap ring that meant the entire world one moment but now means absolutely nothing.

You were leaning on the wall, holding a glass of champagne, next to your husband as Valerie approached you.

“Y/N! You look absolutely stunning!” she gave your husband a side glance as she begrudgingly said his name, “Declan... anyways I have your surprise so come with me to the backyard!”

Before you could say anything she grabbed your hand and weaved both of you through the crowd of people. She opened the door and you almost dropped your glass at the sight.

“Aoi? I thought you were away in Sweden?”

Todo brings a hand to his neck.

“I was but my job relocated here, and Valerie told me everything. As much as I’d love to say congratulations, I can’t.”

Your body moves on its own as you approach him and hug him. He holds you on instinct and all that is heard is sniffles. You move back and quickly apologize for your abrupt actions.

“Hey, don’t apologize pretty girl” he brought his hands to cup your face and wiped the tears from your face, “Declan should be the one apologizing, how could he take someone like you for granted. I know you might not believe me, but you look just as beautiful as you did when we were in high school.”

The two of you were high school sweethearts but got accepted into different colleges. The inevitable happened and you both broke up, heading your separate ways losing contact. The last thing you heard about him was he had a job in Sweden and that was it. After college you met Declan and he seemed like a knight in shining armor, but it was too late for you to realize he was the devil in disguise.

You leaned into his touch as if you two were the only ones there. Only if he was the one you married; you both would be so happy. You wouldn’t have to worry about any mistresses or affairs because even in this moment you felt all his love. Todo moved in and before you knew it you felt his lips on yours.

You melted into the kiss immediately kissing him back until he abruptly pulled away.

“I am so sorry Y/N. I didn’t mean to you’re still married, and this is the anniversary party and he’s inside—”

“I don’t care about Declan. The only one I care about is you. Valerie always says I should be a little selfish and now is the time. I still care about you Aoi, I still love you. The piece of my heart that left with you is now back and I’m whole again. I understand if you’re not comfortable with this, I am trying to find a lawyer and once I get the promotion at my job I can finally pay for one.”

You looked up at him hoping he would indulge you in one last kiss even if it would be the last one you two ever shared. You watched as a smile grew on his handsome face.

“I love you too Y/N, I always had and I always will. When Valerie told me about everything I cannot explain the anger I felt not only at him but also myself. If I never left then you wouldn’t be in this situation. Maybe you would’ve been with me.”

He leaned down and placed another kiss on your lips. Before it could continue Valerie ran out to the both of you.

“Hey lovebirds as much as I love seeing you two together Declan is starting a toast and wants his wife by his side.”

She rolled her eyes as your husband’s name left her lips. You took a deep breath and turned inside, Valerie and Todo following you. You took another deep breath as you made your way to your husband putting up the fake smile. He handed you a glass of champagne and started the toast.

“This past year with my beautiful wife by my side has been the best year of my life. Waking up next to her every morning is what fuels my fire. I love this woman so much and marrying her was the best decision of my life. Thank you all for coming and supporting us. Here’s to a happy, healthy marriage and for many more years to come!”

As glasses clinked and cheers filled the room you were filled with disgust at his words. How could he spew such garbage knowing it meant absolutely nothing?

“Come on honey, you can do a better job with that fake fucking smile. Make everyone believe that we’re in love and that I haven’t fucked almost every single one of my coworkers. Maybe I’ll even indulge in you tonight.”

“Fuck you Declan, you piece of shit.”

You excused yourself to the bathroom shoving your heel into his foot making him wince in pain. Todou followed you upstairs a few minutes afterwards hearing your sobs. He knocked on the door once, twice until your shaky voice responded.

“Hey it’s me, I wanted to check on you.”

He waited hearing your heels click on the ground until you reached the door to open it. You looked up at him with tear stained cheeks, eyes puffy from all the rubbing and wiping your tears away. Todo looked at you with so much love it was as if Eros struck him with his bow.

He quickly placed his lips on yours, the kiss feverish but also very loving. As if he was telling you how much he loved you each time his lips met yours. He picked you up and placed you on top of the bathroom sink, quickly running to shut and lock the bathroom door.

“Please let me make you forget about him. Please let me show you what it is like to make love and not fuck. Please Y/N.”

All you did was nod before placing your lips back on his allowing your hands to slide down and undo his belt. He allowed you to undo his belt and pants letting them hit the ground while he was lifting the skirt of your dress up.

“As much as I’d love to take my time worshipping your body we have to make this pretty quick beautiful. But please if you want to stop at any time stop me.”

You nodded at him as you felt his hand lightly graze your clothed pussy. He moved your panties to one side as he slipped a finger in, slowly moving it then inserting a second finger moving it just as slow but each movement made you moan and shiver. You started getting impatient and you grabbed his wrist.

“Please Aoi, please make love to me.”

He slotted his lips against yours again as he removed his cock from his boxers. Moving the tip against your folds making you both moan in the kiss. Once he entered you, slowly and gentle, you broke away from the kiss to throw your head back and moan. Once you gave him the okay he started thrusting.

“Fuck, you’re so tight baby. Just holding me like you don’t want me to let go.”

He moved faster hitting all the right spots. It was as if his cock was designed to fit inside your pussy. Both of your moans and groans filled the small bathroom. It quickly became heated as the mirror started to fog up. He started thrusting into you faster and harder making you throw your hands on the mirror for stabilization.

He placed sloppy kisses along the column of your neck. He lifted himself from your neck to lick two of his fingers and place them on your clit, moving them in small tight circles.

“Come on baby cum for me. Cum all over my cock and I will fill you up. I’ll make this pretty little pussy so fucking messy with my cum and you’ll walk around in that party filled with it. You look so fucking gorgeous baby. I love you so much.”

That sent you off the edge, creaming on his cock with a high pitched moan of his name. He continued pounding your pussy through your orgasm as he was nearing his own. You pulled him in for another kiss running your nails up and down his clothed chest. Feeling your nails against him made him reach his own peak, filling you completely with his cum.

Todo peppered kisses along your lips, swollen and puffy from kissing so intensely, as you both came down from your highs.

“I’m going to pull out now okay?”

“Okay that’s fine.”

You didn’t need to tell Todo to be gentle, he was already treating you like fine glass. He slowly pulled out and quickly moved your underwear to cover your cum filled pussy. A low chuckle left his lips.

“Don’t want you leaking cum all over the place.”

He lifted you off the bathroom sink after picking up both his pants and boxers. Before you could even smooth out your dress Todo did it for you, fixing any flyaways in your hair and placing one last kiss on your lips. He unlocked the door and helped lead you to the stairs.

“We should head down at separate times so we don’t look so suspicious.”

You nodded, placing one last kiss one his lips.

“I love you Aoi.”

“I love you too Y/N.”

You went downstairs and walked to your parents. You had a small limp and it filled both Aoi and yourself with joy seeing how your husband stared, completely confused at you. Valerie leaned next to you close to your ear.

“I already gave Aoi your phone number, go get that dick again.”

She lightly smacked your ass, a small yelp leaving your lips. The party went on for a couple more hours, lingering glances shared between you and Todo. When the party ended you had to figure out a ride situation since your husband drank way too much and you were a little tipsy.

Declan’s brother offered to take him back and before he could offer you a ride Todo came up and offered to take you home, to which you immediately agreed. The ride was filled with laughter and talk of memories. Also, when Todo parked at a secluded area near where you live you thanked him for the ride with a mind blowing blowjob.

He dropped you off in front of your place, being the gentleman he is, he walked you to the front door giving you one last kiss.

“I hope to see you again soon beautiful angel.”

“How about tomorrow? We could go get drinks or dinner.”

“There’s a cafe near my job, I’ll text you the address. Meet me there tomorrow when you’re done with work.”

You nodded as you fished your keys out of your purse. Taking a deep breath you unlocked the door and put your things away, heading straight to the guest bedroom because you refuse to sleep in the same bed Declan had all his whores in.

You thought he went to sleep until you heard a groan of your name. You rolled your eyes and continued going to the guest bedroom, ignoring him until you felt a hand grab your wrist.

“What do you want Declan?”

“What, I can’t touch my wife? You looked really sexy tonight so I thought I might do you the favor of fucking you.”

Fire burned in your veins. Every time you tried to pull yourself away from his hold, his grip got tighter.

“Declan, you’re drunk, and I hate you. Even if I was drunk I still wouldn’t go to bed with you, so make good friends with your hand or call one of your whores up because I will never sleep with you again.”

He turned you around.

“Listen here you bitch, you will never talk to me like that ever again. I did you the fucking favor of marrying your sorry ass now you treat me like this? I haven’t touched you in fucking months and this is what you tell me? Fuck you.”

“My sorry ass? Did me a favor? Did you also do me a favor by cheating on me over and over again? Did you do me a fucking favor then Declan? Rubbing it in my face that you didn’t love me the way I loved you, fucking anything that had tits and bringing them back here. I. Fucking. Hate. You. Rot. In. Hell. I don’t know what those girls see in you anyways, I had to fake almost all my orgasms and your dick has a weird curve, you should go see a doctor for that actually. I can’t wait until I have the money to divorce you and properly leave your sorry ass in the dust.”

You snatched your arm from his grip and locked yourself in the guest bedroom. You took off the heels and unzipped your dress letting it hit the ground as you made your way to the bathroom that was connected to the room. You took off the ring on your left hand flushing it down the toilet.

“That’ll be the last I see of you.”

You turned on the shower letting the water run, steam filling up the bathroom fogging up the mirror. You slipped your panties off the memory of your time with Aoi in the bathroom of your parents’ house filling your mind as you picked up the cum stained panties and put them in the laundry basket.

You entered the shower letting the water run over your body. After your shower you put your pajamas on and sent a goodnight text to Todo setting up the time for meeting at the cafe tomorrow. The next morning you woke up to an empty house, you let out a sigh of relief not wanting to deal with Declan after the stunt he pulled last night.

Your day at work went fairly quickly then it was the end of your workday. Inputting the address Todo gave you into the GPS you realized the drive was going to be pretty short. Once you found parking you walked into the cafe, the little bell on the door chiming with the movement. You looked around and saw Todo sitting at a corner side table, isolated from most of the crowd.

That’s when you started the arrangement. He was fine with being the sideman for now until he could properly have you to himself. Little dates and mind blowing sex filled your lives for the next four months.

~Four Months Later~

Todo was sitting at the table that basically became the unofficially assigned table for you both as he heard the chime to the door. His head shot up expecting you to come through the doorway. It was just an elderly couple. He checked his phone again, checking for any new messages from you and nothing. Just the last message that read: “I’ll see you soon my love”.

Today was the day you would find out if you got the promotion. With the promotion you would get a huge increase in your salary and a $2,000 advance once it was official. $2,000 was the amount you needed to finally afford the divorce lawyer.

Ten minutes passed and Todo ordered another drink for himself. To say he was nervous for you would be an understatement. He was fidgeting like crazy. He received the drink and sat back down at the table. The door chimed again and he looked up to finally see you.

You waved at him and gave him a small smile. Worry filled him and he was afraid to ask you how everything went.

“There’s no way she didn’t get the promotion. She has the best relationship with her boss and she works so hard.” He thought to himself.

You greeted him with a kiss on his head and sat down. He stood silent watching you.

“So I should tell you about what happened at work right Aoi?”

“You don’t have to honey, it’s fine.”

A smile graced your face, a genuine smile, the only type of smile that you shared with Todo since he filled you with genuine happiness.

“I got the promotion.”

Todo sat there in shock.

“What? What did you just say?”

“I got the promotion. I just came back from meeting the divorce lawyer to fill out necessary paperwork, that’s why I came so late.”

He got up from his seat and lifted you up into his arms.

“I’m so happy. I could yell from the rooftops.”

So he did the next best thing, he yelled about your promotion to the entire cafe. The people inside applauded you and gave you words of encouragement. The elderly man approached the both of you after Todo put you down.

“Congratulations to you young lady. This young man seems to be extremely proud of you. I didn’t mean to interrupt the celebration but it’s just that the both of you remind both my wife and I of us when we were younger. While we met under unconventional circumstances we have spent the past 30 years together. I wish you both a happy, healthy relationship.”

You both thanked the old man and watched him walk back to his wife.

“Do you think we’ll be like them one day Aoi?”

He pulled you close to him.

“I don’t think we will, I have a feeling I know we will. Now let’s go pick up your things and bring you back to my place to properly celebrate.”

He drove you to your house and walked with you inside to pack your clothes. In the midst of packing things you both heard the front door slam shut, meaning one thing: Declan was home.

“Care to explain the car in front Y/N? I know you don’t have enough money to afford a new one.”

You sighed and continued packing with Todo.

“I was asking you a fucking question -- oh who’s this? Why are you packing? Oh I get it now, finally got a new guy to deal with your shit? Good luck buddy--”

Before Declan could get another sentence out Todo walked over and shoved him against the wall.

“Don’t you ever speak to Y/N like that again asshole. For your information, she’s leaving you and coming with me. A guy who actually loves her.”

Declan stood there shocked that someone stood up to him. Once you zipped up your bag Todo left Declan to help you. Todo walked behind you with your bag in his hand. You turned one last time to Declan.

“Oh by the way I’ve been having sex with Aoi for the last four months and the first time was at the anniversary party. The reason I was limping was because of him not because of my heels. And you’ll be getting my divorce papers soon, go fuck yourself Declan.”

You walked with Todo to his car and he drove you back to the cafe so you could bring your car to his place. Once you entered through the front door he was on top of you. Placing sloppy kisses all over your lips and neck.

“You looked so fucking sexy there Y/N.”

He picked you up and brought you to his bedroom while you were peppering kisses along his neck. He put you on the bed and started stripping, you followed suit until you were left in your bra and panties and he was left in his boxers.

He pushed you down on the bed and crawled over you. Placing kisses down your body, removing your bra once he got to your chest and removing your panties once he got to your hips. Not one inch of your body was left untouched by his lips except your pussy. The place you needed him most.

“Aoi please.”

“Please what baby? Tell me what you want.”

“Need you—your mouth on my pussy please.”

He wasted no time. He licked from your leaking entrance to your engorged clit. Making you throw your head back.

“I don’t know how but you taste better every time. I’m fucking addicted to how you taste.”

He dove back in, wrapping his lips around your clit and using a finger to tease your entrance. He was alternating between light sucks and harsh sucks making you buck your hips against his mouth.

“Aoi please fuck me. Wanna cum on your cock please.”

He gave your clit one last suck and took the finger he used to circle your entrance and put it in your mouth. The feeling of your tongue swirling around his finger made him even harder if that was possible. He stood up and took off his boxers, throwing them to a random area in the room.

He spit on his hand and pumped himself a few times as he made his way back on the bed.

“Are you ready my love?”

You spoke breathlessly “yes Aoi, please.”

He aligned himself and entered you slowly, going inch by inch until he bottomed out inside you. A moan leaving both of your lips.

“And correction my love, I don’t fuck you” you furrowed your brows but that expression quickly changed when he pulled himself back until only the head of his cock was inside you and he bottomed out again in a swift movement, “I make love to you.”

He leaned down placing his forearms on either side of your head slotting his lips against yours. His thrusts slowly increase in speed. He breaks the kiss to praise you.

“My beautiful girl is so talented. You look so gorgeous right now. So fucking beautiful, I love you Y/N. I love you so much.”

“Aoi, feels s’good. Please I’m gonna cum soon. You fill me so good, like you were made for me.”

You wrap your legs around his waist and he slides his hand down between the two of you to rub circles around your clit. Your moans start increasing in pitch signaling that you’re going to cum. You bring your hands to his back and rake your nails down, digging into his skin, sure to leave marks. His ruts increased in speed bringing you to your orgasm.

“Fuck baby you’re clenching my cock so tight. I’m gonna cum so deep in your pussy baby. I’m gonna fill you up every single day because now you are mine.”

He emphasized each word with a hard thrust. He buries his face in the crook of your neck. Once he cums he sinks his teeth in trying to conceal the guttural moan that leaves his mouth. Coming down from his high he lifts his head up.

“I’m sorry baby I didn’t mean to—”

“There’s no need to apologize Aoi, I’m sorry about the scratches on your back.”

“Don’t apologize pretty girl, with how often we’re going to be making love I’ll get used to it.”

He slowly pulled out and you felt the cum leak out of you. He picked you up and carried you bridal style to the shower. Let’s just say both of you were lucky that the neighbors were gone for the night.

~1 year later~

The both of you have been together for a year and four months. Todo was by your side the entire time throughout the divorce preceding. Comforting you and supporting you the entire time. Once your divorce was finalized your relationship received an official title.

Both of you were extremely happy but there was the voice in the back of Todo’s head that gave him doubts. When he went to go engagement ring shopping with Valerie the voice was there.

As he picked out the perfect ring for you the voice was there. His head was filled with doubts. Of course he loved you, he loved you more than anyone or anything in the world. He knew you loved him. His love for you was immortal, unconditional but he wasn’t so sure if it was the same for you.

That voice in his head hammering doubts over and over again it made him nervous. He started to wonder if he should bring the ring back. If he should change his mind. It was that voice.

“What if she gets tired of you like her husband did with her? What if she finds someone better than you? What if she doesn’t love you as much as you love her? Could you handle the heartbreak Aoi? Could you?”

He started getting distant from you, less kisses in the morning, leaving without saying goodbye, barely initiating sex, it made you worried. What if he’s getting tired of you like Declan? You texted him wanting to meet at the cafe after work. He just sent back a simple “okay”.

Reading it made you even more nervous than before. When you were done with work you drove as slow as you possibly could to the nearby parking lot. You opened the door to the cafe and once you looked around you saw Todo there, fidgeting.

“Is he going to end things with me? We were supposed to move to the new house next week.” You wondered to yourself, you both had so many plans for the future but the future is uncertain.

You sat down and it was silent. He nudged your drink over to you and that was the most interaction you got from him since you got there. It killed you to not talk to him and it was killing him too.

“Y/N, I’m scared.”

You looked into his eyes and saw the fear within them. But what could he possibly be scared about?

“Aoi, what’s wrong? What’s scaring you?”

“What if you get tired of me? What if you meet someone better than me? What if—”

“Aoi. Stop that please” your voice started shaking, it broke your heart to see the man you love being plagued with such fears.

“Aoi, I love you. I love you more than anything in the world. You’re my love. You’re my soulmate. You make me happier than anyone in this world. You brighten up my day, the small things you do make me fall even more in love with you.”

You got up and bent down to hug him. You pulled back holding his face in your hands.

“Aoi I will never get tired of you. I let you leave me once and I never plan on doing it ever again. I love you Aoi Todo, I will love you until my heart stops beating and I will love you long after that. In every life I will look for you to recreate this love over and over again. If I had to go back in time I would go through this all over again just to be right here with you.”

Tears were falling down both of your faces by the time you stopped speaking. You wiped his tears away and he lifted his hands to wipe yours away. He pulled your face closer to his and kissed you.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m so so sorry.”

He muttered apologies against your lips and when you both pulled away it was his turn to speak. You sat back down holding his hands above the table.

“I just got scared Y/N. I love you so much and I just can’t imagine my life without you. I look forward to the future with you, I want you by my side through every single endeavor. You’re my everything. You’re the sun that brightens my day. You’re the stars that shine through my night sky. You’re the air that I breathe. I love you.”

You stood up and pulled him along with you as you both walked out of the cafe. You drove the both of you home and once you entered you led him to the bedroom. Once you entered you undid his work shirt and pants stripping him to his underwear. You led him to the bed and sat him down.

“I never want you to question my love for you ever again.”

You kissed him and placed kisses down his body. Little nibbles along his pecs, a flick of your tongue along his nipples, slow sensual kisses until you reached the waistband of his boxers. You tugged at the waistband and he lifted his hips to help you properly take them off.

His cock slapped against his abdomen. You took it in your hand and gave it a few gentle strokes. You placed featherlight kisses from the head of his cock to the base. You took his head into your mouth swirling your tongue around it and letting it go with a pop.

You took your hand and spit on it using it to lube his cock for you and you started to take more of him into your mouth. His moans and groans filling the room along with the sounds of you gagging yourself on his cock.

When you popped up for air looking at him he could swear he just saw a goddess in front of him. Even with your saliva and tears coating your face he has never seen anyone more beautiful than you. Even Aphrodite herself could not even come close to your beauty.

You got up and stripped off your clothing. You pushed him back gently to lay on the bed as you straddled him aligning his cock with your pussy. You sunk yourself down onto him, he tossed his head back into the bed feeling your warm slick walls welcome him in.

You started moving up and down slowly before gaining a rhythm bouncing on his cock. You moved your upper body close to his grabbing his face and making eye contact.

“I love you—ah fuck—Aoi. I love you so much. You fuck me so good. You are so handsome. Thank you for loving me.”

You felt his arms reach around your waist as planted his feet on the ground to pound into you. Once he started jackhammering into you repeatedly hitting your g-spot you felt yourself cumming around him over and over again.

He used this position to pull as many orgasms as he could from you until he had his own and with how tight you were around him it would be extremely soon. You felt his cock twitch inside you.

“Please cum inside me Aoi, please please please. I need you to fill me up please I need your cum.”

He pulled you down and his hips lifted bottoming out inside you, filling you with his cum. You let your full weight go onto him as you were catching your breath. Hard breaths filled the room. You looked at him and kissed him again.

“I love you Aoi.”

“I love you more Y/N.”

The following week you both moved into your forever home. Todo made dinner and ordered your favorite dessert to celebrate the move. It was also the day that he was going to propose. He knew how much you hated public proposals and receiving unnecessary attention so why not do it at home?

When you were doing the dishes making small conversation on how you saw a documentary about female serial killers he got the ring and went on one knee.

“So all of her victims were just random men who had green eyes, isn’t that—”

“Y/N.”

You turned around and dropped the sponge in your hand. Your jaw drops at the sight of the man you love and the most beautiful ring you have ever seen.

“Y/N, you have made me the happiest man the past year and four months. Time with you has been amazing. You make me feel like I have been floating on air and I never want to come down. I love you so much. Will you continue this journey of life with me, as my wife?”

“Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!”

You bent down to kiss him and he slipped the ring on your left finger. A few seconds later Valerie called, already aware of what Todo was planning to do. You set the date of the wedding six months from the day of the proposal.

The wedding was small and filled with only close friends and family. It was the happiest day of your life and everyone preferred Todo over your ex husband, even your father, who never liked any of your boyfriends.

“I like this guy a lot Y/N, I mean I’ve always liked him.”

“Dad you threatened to hunt him down when we first started dating in high school.”

“Oh honey it’s just dad stuff but that was a promise and it still stands.”

“Dad! He’s not like that, he makes me feel like I’m the only woman in the world and like I’m a precious gem.”

You both looked over at Todo sharing a dance with your mom and when he looked at you, you could see your future in them. Wherever he would go you would be there beside him as his wife.

“this ring you gave me a few months ago is proof of our love and the ring I gave you on your left ring finger is also proof of my love and dedication to you.” Todo leaned forward and kissed you holding you in his arms.

“I never thought that one person could make me feel so loved and make me feel so much love for them Y/N.”

Now married life was doing the both of you well. Nothing could tear the both of you apart. Not even the news on your one year anniversary that you both were going to have your first child. If Todo felt like he was on cloud nine before then holding your beautiful, healthy son in his arms made him feel he was in seventh heaven.

A/N pt2: thank you all for reading this, I’m really excited about how this work turned out I hope you all enjoyed it. This is by far my longest fic so I really appreciate you reading it through. I have much more on the way, if you have any requests my ask is open! Again thank you so much for reading I appreciate you all! — D <3

#aoi toudou x reader #aoi todo x f!reader #jujutsu kaisen angst #jujutsu kaisen smut #jujutsu kaisen fluff #x female reader #tw cheating #tw toxic behavior #tw toxic relationship #tw unprotected sex #Aoi todo smut

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piningeddiediaz · 3 years

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Ok hear me out i really dont want to seem like i diminish the friendship between h and r, or the brotherly relationship between d and r but like….. people seem to forget that h and r only met literally 2-3 months ago. Yes i know love and friendship can grow fast but people act as if they’re bffs already like no? They have stuff in common OBVIOUSLY and they go through quite some stuff together but they dont really know each other that well and they are barely alone to have a real conversation. That is not to say i dont love them and im happy for their blooming connection and friendship and that they have someone to talk to. And when people melted over declan remembering that r wanted to be a farmer i mean????? Thats literally the only possible outcome for r right now/when he quit aglionby and the only thing he wanted to be so obviously anyone would remember? Of course it’s a very delicate convo they’re having but idk i thought it was blown out of proportion a bit?

hi anon! I do see where you're coming from. the reason hennessy and ronan's friendship dynamic immediately stuck out to me in cdth was because they are. well for the lack of a better analogy they seemed like the same people in different fonts. they both give each other as good as they get. they have this animosity thing going on where hennessy doesn’t quite hate ronan, but thinks of him as being extremely privileged. it always comes back to the idea of alone vs lonesome. we know, having seen ronan across six books (so far) that ronan feels lonesome. he has powers no one understands, including him. he wants a community where he can belong. he’s never alone, exactly, because he does have a great support network and people who care about him very much, but if you look at it from hennessy’s pov, ronan is extremely lucky. i can’t find the page anymore, but there’s that whole inner monologue where hennessy thinks about how really, ronan isn’t alone at all. he has a brother who is willing to do anything to protect him. he has friends who are willing to look into something in the middle of night while on vacation for him. he has a loving boyfriend he will not stop bringing up literally two seconds after meeting her. hennessy herself had a mother who did not love her, a father who sounds like he didnt give a shit. all she had were the girls she dreamt, and all of them want to leave her. ronan has what hennessy wants, and there’s a part of her that resents him for it. and honestly, i didn’t clock that until they have the adam conversation. but the reason i like their dynamic so much is because despite this bitterness they have, they are very protective of each other. hennessy defends ronan with bryde, she brings bryde’s attention to herself instead to spare ronan. ronan tries to keep the lace out himself so that hennessy can dream peacefully. they’re like siblings who want mum and dad to like them more, but won’t let the other one get into trouble either. so i do see what you mean - they’re not bffs in the traditional sense but i do think they have a pretty solid foundation to be good friends in the future books and I think after the kind of friendship Ronan had with gansey or Adam or Noah or even blue, perhaps it seems like his friendship with hennessy hasn't matched up to that level. they hit off amazingly from the start, and tho mi complicates things a bit it does have bryde being that annoying parent who tries to make them be each other’s competition. maybe they’re not the gangsey level of friendship yet (and probably shouldn’t be - the gangsey may be an epic friendship but aren’t exactly healthy by normal standards lol) but i am excited to see how their dynamic develops in the next book.

the declan thing i have to disagree with, mostly because i am an absolute sucker for platonic relationships and in particular declan lynch. extremely unpopular opinion, but I liked declan since trb. like, of course Declan wants his underage brother to not street race. of course he wants to make sure his underage brother who is living in a bachelor pad is looking after himself. of course he wants his brother to get an education and build a future for himself. of course he wants him to keep his head down and not attract attention to himself since there are people who would kill to have his power. it was so amusing to see declan show himself to be a great big brother time and time again and people hate on him lol. anyways, the point of that is that declan has always had to choose between being ronan’s parent and being ronan’s brother, and to him being his annoying parent was better. declan’s priority was never being liked by ronan, or keeping ronan or himself happy - his priority has been to keep ronan alive, to make sure ronan actually has a future. declan wanted Ronan to move on and leave the barns behind, maybe a bit because he wanted to leave it behind himself and couldn't do it as long as ronan wouldn't, but I think even declan to an extent knew that as long as ronan is stuck at the barns, he is going to be stuck in his past and all he is going to see every day is niall lynch’s bashed up head on the driveway. for Declan, that is ensuring ronan’s safety and wellbeing, for Ronan, that is Declan not understanding him and what he wants and instead imposing what he thinks is right on him. neither of them are wrong exactly, but it does mean that their relationship is virtually non existent. Ronan doesnt think Declan cares about him or what he wants or anything. he’s been seeing Declan as the villain in his story for so long he stopped seeing it from any other pov. so that’s why Declan remembering he wants to be a farmer, he wants Adam, was so big for Ronan. because it’s not just Declan saying ‘yeah I remember this is the profession you wanted fine go ahead’ or even Declan proving he actually listens to Ronan. it’s Declan saying ‘I understand you. I understand what you want, what you've always wanted. you think no one knows what your future is, but you have always known it. I have always known it. don’t throw it away.’ so much of ronan’s arc in this series is his need to be understood, and this was the first indication he got that declan always did.

#im so sorry this took me so long to answer!#thank you for sending this anon <3 #if there is ONE thing I want from this series its Ronan and Declan sorting out their issues #mi spoilers #mister impossible spoilers #mi meta #mister impossible #ronan lynch #declan lynch #the lynch brothers #the brothers lynch #anon #asks

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toast-the-unknowing · 4 years

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What scene made you ship Pynch? How did I miss anything about an emo band???

OP was humorously misstating the moment; there are no emo bands, I hope that I am not crushing any dreams.

The scene in question is from Blue Lily, Lily Blue, when Ronan drops in on Adam at the garage. Given that we all love manibus I imagine I am not the only one who found that to be the tipping point into shipping Pynch for real, but who cares if I’m a basic bitch, there’s just so much good stuff here!

Okay obviously this is fun if you like that “they call each other names but they love each other” ship dynamic, BUT I also genuinely love the idea that this is one way in which Adam’s relationship with Ronan is less stressful to him than his other relationships. Yes, they fight, but he doesn’t spend hours stressing about it when Ronan isn’t there.

THAT ANGST THOUGH. It’s not really anything to do with Pynch, I just like this line a lot.

Adam is curled up on the ground having a panic attack and Ronan thinks it’s funny, Ronan, you have badly misread the situation. But points for considering whether Adam was cold, I guess.

It should be clear by now that I do in fact love the “they call each other names but they love each other” ship dynamic.

I find Adam’s attitude toward Ronan’s family problems really healthy? He doesn’t try to solve Ronan’s shit for him. He even gives him a little more space around it than he personally wants, out of respect for boundaries.

For someone who goes hardcore on “words of affirmation” love language in her personal life, I am terribly fond of “I will blatantly seek you out because I miss your company but deny that that is what I am doing” moments. PRETEND YOU DON’T LIKE EACH OTHER, YESSSS.

OKAY. There’s a lot going on here and it’s fascinating. 1, the aspect that Adam keys in on, is that this is another moment where Ronan has everything completely backwards. Ronan feels that Aglionby is pointless for him because his magic doesn’t mesh with that regimented world, because he doesn’t want professional employment, because he can make a future for himself without the benefits it provides, because he isn’t learning anything there that is of use to him. Which, fine, it clearly is a bad fit for him (even if I think he goes a bit too far in the other direction of rejecting everything that isn’t magic). But he goes and assumes that all of those things are true of Adam as well, which is a BUCK WILD assumption to make. Ronan, how long have you known this boy again? Besides which, he claims that Adam could find a way to make a living off of his connection to the ley line, which is either a TON of faith in abilities that Adam has a very limited understanding of at this point in time, or a complete lack of understanding of economic realities. Or both, obviously.

But at the same time, we see over and over again Adam’s self-consciousness about not belonging, and his fear that even if he DOES achieve success (academically, financially, professionally) he still won’t fit in with his peers and everyone will know that he’s not like them. And then here’s Ronan just casually saying, obviously you belong to the same group that I do. The fact that he says this while also getting so much wrong kind of makes me like it more? Even when Ronan is a fucking idiot he knows heart and soul that Adam is his people.

I love that they have ACTUAL ARGUMENTS, so I love this moment where they are actually pissed and hurt by each other. And I love the ways that it shows. Ronan goes “cool” when he’s actually upset. And Adam, who calls Declan and Gansey out for trying to solve Ronan’s problems for him, for not understanding that he has to want to do things for himself, here tells him to do his homework – if you’re going to tell me how to live my life, fine, I’ll tell you how you’re fucking up your life by not having the same values that I do; how do you like that.

OKAY I KNOW WE ALL HAVE THIS ETCHED INTO OUR HEARTS BUT I HAD TO. The timing is just so perfect. Ronan has misread the situation, discounted Adam’s basic motivation, dismissed his effort, and then when Adam must have just totally felt unseen and misunderstood, here is this proof that the whole time Ronan had also seen him and understood him and cared enough to figure out something that would actually help him. This is the moment where I put my phone down and texted my friend Ronan scaring the daylights out of Adam and picking a fight with him and then breaking into his car to leave him a super thoughtful gift is my jam.

Bonus screenshot because reading this scene over I find Maggie committing a terrible horrible sin:

MAGGIE, NO

#the raven cycle #Anonymous #trc meta

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aeirithgainsborough · 5 years

Text

very Important adam/ronan things to take away from the cdth sampler:

“like the other lynch brothers, he was a regular churchgoer, but most people assumed he played for the other team.” i am SCREAMING. top tier gay joke. well timed.

everyone: ronan’s eyes aren’t pretty. adam: mhmm e y e l a s h e s

much to say about the revelation that ronan is partly at the barns to keep his dreams hidden and in check, and how much he relates an inability to change and be like everyone else to having to stay there. almost like he’s stuck huh! i’ve been saying!!

of note that words used to describe ronan’s existence are BORED and MALINGERED.

fingers crossed he finds some balance between his dreams and his wants/needs that allows him to leave the barns and grow but after the Great Crab Disaster I’M WORRIED.

fire imagery EVERYWHERE. i’m WORRIED again.

“there are stains that spread faster than you drive. if you drive, it’ll take fourteen years to get there. seventeen. forty. one hundred. we’ll be driving to your funeral by the end.” good to know ronan is still the most DRAMATIC boy in the whole of virginia. absolutely no chill.

dont like the possible foreshadowing of that driving to your funeral by the end, though. must leave lynches alone!

“it’s very safe” asjkajjka DECLAN PLEASE

“ronan kicked one of the volvo’s tires” asjkajjka RONAN PLEASE.

ronan trying to act nonchalant by cramming chocolate covered peanuts into his mouth and choking a little is Peak Disaster Gay.

matthew’s music must be awful if ronan and declan are in agreement over it, must have playlist.

ronan who lives to pretend he doesn’t care wondering if his brothers didn’t say anything about his moving because it didn’t make a difference to them is huhhh. don’t like it, take it away pls.

i’m sorry, ENTIRELY WRAPPED UP IN! ENTIRELY!

entirely

wrapped

shut up!!!! shut upppppp!

“is there any version of you that could come with me to cambridge?” tbh nothing would have readied me for this. adam i-can-do-everything-alone asking ronan if he could go with him. so much growth, too much pride, nowhere to put it, send help.

the fact that ronan doesn’t stay in cambridge when he visits adam because of plausible deniability, that if he doesn’t try there’s no evidence he can’t make it there. rip.

ronan! missed! him! like! a! lung!

dramatic again, but entirely relatable bc damn, same ronan, same.

a) ronan thinking about how his heartbeat is the same as everyone else’s so he wasn’t that different and b) JUST LIKE ADAM’S HEART WHEN HIS HEAD WAS RESTING ON HIS HEAD = much too much to think about. need to lie down for a bit.

he could move to follow the guy he loved!! we all knew it was love, we’ve always known it was love, but! the words. the words!!!!! brb sobbing.

i have only had jordan for a day and a half but if anything happened to her i would kill everyone in this room and then myself. 11/10 would marry.

art forgery plot confirmed!

THIS WAS HOW IT HAD BEGUN

bitch fkajdkajksja GIVE ME A WARNING.

still can’t compose myself RE the info that ronan saw adam and immediately sent a desperate prayer up to god

will the word please ever be the same again? definitely not!

adam’s arms adam’s hands his lovely! boyish! hands!

the description of his expressions with all its contradictions and multitudes is just my favourite thing ever. it encapsulates everything i love about adam fucking parrish.

and the fact that ronan instantly recognised all those multitudes in him. there was always a level of understanding ronan had for adam throughout trc that no one else did and this tells us he had that before he even met him, he just... recognised something in him i just... ;______;

please

ronan knowing all the harvard stats because he was the person adam could crow to, how he takes on that adam that is still full of contradictions and multitudes, how he finds it hard but he absorbs all the facts and all of adam’s anxieties, even in the face of his own anxieties about adam leaving and falling in love with the shining, educated people that ronan thinks are better than him. that absolute, unwavering support 😭😭😭

tbh there’s a whole ass lot to unpack in this section so imma try and do it briefly (she says!)

ronan lynch is a romantic cdth confirmed:

he could have texted adam but he liked the soft surprise of it

over the past few days ronan had played his reunion with adam over in his head MANY TIMES

adam i love you but that outfit sounds awful. you are a student, it’s a friday night, put some sweats on and stuff some cheetos in your mouth.

the sweet nervousness of their reunion, how they walk past each other and both seem so uncertain. they’re a year into dating and the still get nervous and unsure after a few weeks apart and it’s CUTE and definitely speaks to their excitement/anticipation levels.

THE WATCH. big time softness.

they hugged hard ;_____;

im just so relieved that they’re allowed to touch each other and be intimate and aren’t consigned to the ‘boys in love aren’t like that boring boring’ corner.

the way ronan thinks about how adam fits as he remembered. huh. you’re really gonna do this to me.

his hand still pressed against the back of ronan’s skull the way it ALWAYS did when they hugged.

you smell like home. you smell like home!!!!!! brb ive gone absolutely fucking feral.

i both want to play repo because it sounds fun and don’t want to because it sounds complicated and i fucking hate instructions. much confusion.

adam pressing his shoe hard against ronan’s and then his leg and then breathing in ronan’s ear I AM HOWLING. ronan’s nerve endings being made a marvel of I AM SOBBING. it’s very important that m/m ships are afforded the same level of explicit attraction as m/f (and i don’t mean explicit as in nsfw, i mean as in obvious)

no offence because i love them but all of adam’s friends sound Extra™

“to the outside eye, ronan lynch was a loser” pls ronan, you are giving me an ulcer.

scary spice i asjkjdkjskdjak

queer crying club! i stan!!

also adam saying in the epilogue of trk that he wanted to save all the adam’s hidden in plain view and then going to college and scooping up all the criers and giving them something to do is far too much to handle.

don’t think about that and the time he thought about how he used to spend his nights crying on the trailer steps and wondering why he bothered until gansey came along and offered him friendship. dont think about how he’s essentially paying that forward DON’T THINK ABOUT IT.

hand holding, arms around each other, hip to hip walking, can’t wait anymore kissing, I MISSED YOU. love that for me!

but also the fact that adam reaches down for ronan’s hand and its so natural. ronan’s hand is there so he just. takes it.

hearing ronan’s thoughts on what happened with robert at last is A Lot. the way it’s still happening, always happening, kept fresh and savage shows how affected ronan was by it all and still is and i think its so important that he’s not just. angry and hot headed. there’s more to it than that. its painful, it makes him feel sick, its unending and it really speaks to how much adam means to him.

adam thinks he has no one BITCH YOU’VE GOT ALL OF US.

and ronan.

but. how he feels like he has nothing still. the way his voice hitches on ‘because’ because it’s all still so painful. i wanna wrap him up. i wanna take everything that hurts away. i wanna tell him he’s so loved. guess i’ll just have to sit back and watch him work his way through it all I GUESS. no but i am looking forward to his growth in this trilogy, especially considering how much he’s grown already. adam parrish invented character growth lets 👏 be 👏 real 👏

it had never been a fight between them/it was a fight between adam and himself, between adam and the world/for ronan it was a fight between truth and compromise, between the black and white he saw and the reality everyone else experienced. i LOVE this. it so well encapsulates them. and it’s so important that they can realise their differing world views and their complexities and meet in the middle somewhere.

“ronan put his lips on adam’s deaf ear, and he hated adam’s father” FUCK ME UP. my absolute favourite bit 103930%. absolute incoherent mess over here. not! okay! see other post for more coherency because i only had it for 5.7 minutes.

frowning, guarded, crumpled adam who i’ll literally. never be over in all of my life. 38983/10 will love him until the end of time.

i want it too much. !!!!!! going feral again over here. WHAT DO YOU WANT ADAM? I WANT IT TOO MUCH. definitely will never shut up about this.

scared adam is going to be a visionary so pretending chapter 6 doesn’t exist.

LINDENMERE ;________;

i love it already

i CANNOT believe that ronan is being dream invaded and challenged and he’s over here like hmm nice bike ELEGANT and ROUGH and READY like ADAM asjkasj please ronan you are so embarrassing!!

also. ronan thinks adam is elegant and rough and ready so! there’s that!

i literally. cannot. cope with the HILARITY of chapter 8. the whole thing is a complete and utter DISASTER. it’s absolutely gone off in adam’s room after all his work at constructing a well put together boy. ronan comes for a night and everything goes BONKERS. amazing.

(really worried about what this means RE ronan being able to exit the barns and grow and change and not be bored and not feel like a loser so we’re focusing on the hilarious disaster of it all.)

p.s. adam sleeping slotted between ronan and the wall OKAY. THIS IS FINE!

p.p.s. adam’s bed hair is WILD.

p.p.p.s i have missed adam and ronan so so so so so much and im an emotional fucking wreck

#call down the hawk #ronan lynch #adam parrish #pynch #dreamer trilogy #cdth spoilers #long post #sorry so much to say we were so well fed so many thoughts #;_____;#lou.txt

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spiltscribbles · 5 years

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Taste Like Coming Home

@Notes: Huge thank yo to @ravens-world who made this so much better than what it was!!! <3<3

A REBLOG IS WORTH A THOUSAND STARS<3

Adam’s always appreciated the light thrumming of life that buzzed in Washington, even in the middle of the night. It’s nowhere near as loud as Boston had been, but still, it distracts Adam from floundering in his own thoughts that even now threaten to swallow him whole in an ocean of insecurities and doubts (that had first bore to life in the precarious stillness subsequent Robert’s fists and his mother’s impassive gaze) . ((Adam had lost count of how many nights he'd spent like this, wondering if he’ll ever be good enough to earn his parent’s affections, Gansey’s friendship, Blue’s warmth, Ronan's-Ronan's everything. )) Adam is always questioning if he’ll ever be good enough to deserve the near reverent way Ronan regards him, has always regarded him. To deserve the soft touches and encapsulating kisses and the way Ronan looks at Adam as if he’s the answer to his every question, as if Ronan could find what he’s looking for whispered between the space of Adam’s lips.

Adam tries not to linger too much on the latter anymore, because he knows he'll never find a sensible answer. Knows that he’s never deserved Ronan and all Ronan’s brought to his world. He'd transformed the muted grayscale of his carefully methodical outlook into vivid tones of impossibilities come true. No matter how much he loves Ronan, how he never wants to be without him. Ronan has become a fixture in his very soul that he could never fathom existing without, and yet Adam is still so very inept. Still can’t tell him his feelings in so many words— more often than not opting for gentle caresses and tender kisses that can bring his feelings to life— and he knows he still comes off distant and cold during their more real arguments, despite how sparing they might be. Adam can’t ever contort his mouth in the right ways to speak out loud words of comfort and vulnerability he was so deprived of once upon a time. But still, he tries. Adam tries because this is Ronan, and he wouldn’t be true to himself if he didn’t give Ronan— give them— all he had.

“It’s not your fault,” Adam says, flicks off residue from one of the bright blue creepy-crawlies that had followed Ronan into the real world, from his legs.

Ronan’s only response is an incredulous huff.

Looking at him now, Adam can’t help but marvel at how beautiful and sincere and unshielded he truly is. The dark shadows paint across his face and the light spills over him so that his profile is nothing but flat planes, made all the more sharp, and pale eyes shifting to a haunting, stormy grey rather than the icy oceans Adam has always known and has always ben able to see through. Eyes he’s been enthralled with for forever, even when he only viewed Ronan as the savagely handsome best friend of Gansey’s who infuriated him in ways Adam never was able to completely comprehend.

“Don’t. Don’t do that,” Adam tells him, moving so that they’re shoulder to shoulder. “Don’t push me out because you’re mad.”

“I’m not,” Ronan says, hurried and stubborn, his face morphing into something desperate.

“Ronan,” Adam says, but actually means bullshit, and the translation seems to have gone through if the decidedly ceded expression that passes over Ronan’s rough but handsome features is anything to go by.

“I hate that I can’t control it, no matter what I do.”

“Hey,” Adam laces their fingers together and squeezes. “Nothing happened.” He kisses Ronan’s shoulder right then, is relieved when he feels the slight loosening of tension there. He’s suddenly, acutely thankful to all the stars above that Ronan can understand the spaces of words that go unspoken between them.

“Yeah, this time,” Ronan sours, eyes flickering to their closed door and Adam understands him completely. Understands that Ronan doesn’t care if those poisonous arachnids had bitten him, Ronan never cared. The only thing Ronan cares about when concerning bringing back his uncontrolled dream things is the possibility that they could hurt any number of the three people he loves more than breathing. One, Adam, who sleeps right besides him every night. And the other two— their set of twins— are just right across the hall.

“It could so easily go wrong.”

“It won’t,” Adam says with more steel than even he expected.

“How do you know?” Ronan asks chargingly. Hesitantly. Imploringly. Like someone would ask a prophet.

“Ro,” Adam says, quiet and tentative while he runs the pads of his fingers down Ronan’s cheek, tracing the outline of his nose and lips and jaw. His fingertips land on the hollow where Adam could feel his heartbeat, and he swoops forward to press an open mouthed kiss to it. He revels in the sensation of Ronan carding a hand through his hair, nails lightly scratching Adam’s scalp. “I’m here for you, always. I won’t ever let anything happen to you or the kids, and I know you won't either. Stop worrying, okay? ” Another kiss on Ronan’s mouth, arms wrapped around his waste to pull him even closer. “Else you’ll start getting wrinkle lines and I’ll have to find myself some new arm candy.”

“Pff,” Ronan snorts, rubs a ginger hand down Adam’s naked back. He can feel the cool scrape of the golden wedding band Adam’s got a matching pair to. “If anyone’s the trophy husband here it’s totally you.”

“Fuck off.”

“Lynch farms just got another expansion, fuck face,” Ronan preens, and Adam loves him like this. Boasting and teasing and always, always so soft whenever he peers down at Adam. “Me and my herd are gonna blow fucking Wisconsin right off the map with our Dairy prowls.”

“Actually, I think California’s now the state to beat for title of Dairy capitol,” Adam corrects with a nonchalant shrug.

“What the fuck ever,” Ronan snipes, words full of humor.

“Come back to bed.”

“I shouldn’t,” Ronan frowns, and Adam doesn’t miss the fear, fear that’s only ever directed at himself, that ghosts across his face. Adam parts his lips to argue and chide at him that he needs to trust himself, but Ronan must’ve seen that coming from a mile ahead because he stops it with another resounding kiss that Adam can feel to his core.

“Had to be up anyways,” Ronan explains amidst heavy breaths that mirror Adam’s own. “Me and Opal were gonna check out that Farmer’s Market back in Henrietta and Declan wanted to join.”

“Fine,” Adam gripes, follows him out the bedroom to help collect the things he’ll be needing, partially because he’s too riled up to go back to bed now, but mostly because he knows that if he leaves now, Ronan won’t be back until late afternoon. He always misses him so achingly during these long trips away from their home.

God does Adam love that, the idea that he’s got this. He’s got a home that he gets to share with the man he loves more than any other and his two kids that he would willingly lay down his life for. Sometimes he has to stop and just take it all in, climb out of the memories of crying on the steps of the trailer wondering if anything was worth existing for in this world and thinking that the kid he was finally found that worth.

Adam passes Ronan a thermos of coffee for him and an herbal tea for Opal, sends him off with one final peck of farewell.

“You should welcome me home with a martini,” Ronan goads, grin gone sharp and slightly feral. “Put on a slutty genie outfit?”

Adam pinches his forearm, hard.

“I will never play out some kinda I Dream of Jeannie tableau for you dickwad, get over it.”

“You can’t blame a man for trying,” Ronan shrugs, goes off to kiss the tops of the kids’ sleeping heads. He gives Adam one more kiss before he has to finally head out to the BMW.

Sometimes Adam forgets that these long days apart are just as hard for him.

“Is it Daddy’s birthday?” Livvy asks, eyebrows hiked, and lips pitched.

“No,” says Adam while pulling out spare mixing bowls from the cupboard— it's a miracle that he even knows where they are, if he’s being at all honest. In their household, the kitchen is largely Ronan’s realm of expertise and all Adam’s good for is washing dishes and the occasional toasting of bread.

“Are you graduating again?” Gage— a near spitting image of his sister, with all their trappings of dark hair and intense eyes and thin lips, asks owlishly.

“Not that either.”

“Then why on God’s green earth are we baking cupcakes?”

Jesus fucking Christ, do these kids have some mouths on them. Adam would like to blame it totally on Ronan’s frame of mind that unfiltered speech is the only way he’d speak around his kids, but Adam knows that ever since they had first brought them home, ten months old and just barely crawling, that they’ve gotten just as much of his cynical outlook than what Adam would’ve liked.

“Because, squirt,” Adam pulls out his phone to search for a decently simple recipe he both had the ingredients to, , and one that wouldn’t turn out an utter mess. “Daddy woke up a bit sad this morning and I thought that if we made him this, it would show him we're thinking bout him and he wouldn’t be so sad anymore.”

The twins look suitably cowed at that, both pairs of eyes going pleading and chorusing a thousand questions on whether Ronan’s okay and when he’ll be coming home and how they could help.

“He’s fine, kiddos, just was gonna miss you guys when he went out with Opal and Uncle Declan today. But he’ll be home any minute, so I wanna make sure this is done by then, kay?”

Gage nods with grave certainty, wielding a whisk like a weapon of war, but Livvy still looks a bit unsure.

“Aunt Blue says that your cooking should be considered a weapon of mass destruction.”

“Like a nuke!” Gage tacks on helpfully.

“Or mustard gas.”

“Ooo! Or like—“

“Neither of you are ever allowed to say the names of weapons out loud again! Not ever!" Adam scolds with no actual heat.

“Hey, but what about,” Gage points to Chainsaw, who’s perching atop the refrigerator watching them.

“Not my problem.”

They both roll their eyes but don’t press him on it.

“Papa, are you sure you can do this?”

“It’s baking, Liv, not cooking a full course meal," he says, only slightly indignant.

“Ms Gomez says that baking is just like science and that’s why it’s way harder than just normal cooking.”

Adam’s expression goes flat.

“You get to crack the eggs,” he tells her in lieu of a response.

“Oh, yay!” Livvy crows. Gage howls with the unfairness of it all.

An hour and a half later finds the white marble top island of their spacious kitchen splattered with batter and oil and substances Adam is almost positive he doesn’t recognize. There’s a tray of a dozen cupcakes in the oven but Adam isn’t quite sure that they’re meant to be staying flat, refusing to rise even once the halfway mark passes— that along with the fact that the toothpicks literally are stuck once used to puncture doesn’t bode well. The sink had overflown about a dozen times because one of them keeps forgetting to turn off the water once they’ve rinsed a dish.

All and all, it probably could’ve been worse.

“Aunt Blue’s always right,” Livvy says sagely.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Adam can’t help but agree while frowning at the mess, his heart contracting the moment he hears the front door swing open and the recognizable thudding of Ronan’s farm boots.

“Oh joy,” he mutters as the kids dash off to the front parlor, leaping into Ronan’s arms, batter splattered hands and all.

“Mother of God, Parrish,” he bellows, obviously in a better mood than this morning. “What are these changelings doing here and where are our actual kids?”

Adam can’t help the way his mouth dips down into a small, delighted grin, his heart doing palpitations at the sight of the three people he loves more than anything all together in one spot.

“No, Daddy!” Livvy squawks. “It’s us!”

“We were making you cupcakes because we thought you were sad and we hate it when you’re sad and we love you and Papa is really bad at anything in the kitchen, but he tried.”

“Thanks, Gage,” Adam ruffles a hand in his hair, tugs softly on Livvy’s pigtail, before kissing Ronan hello.

“You taste like shit that’ll rot my teeth.”

“I’ll take it as a compliment.”

Ronan’s answering laugh is something splendid.

“You guys didn’t have to go through the trouble.”

“We love you, Daddy,” Livvy argues, kissing the back of his hand and making Ronan’s expression go gentle in the way it only ever does for them.

“Thanks, princess. I love you more, though.”

Livvy sticks out her tongue, contentious, and Ronan follows suit by pulling a face at her that makes it so she’s cackling.

“Look, I’m sure your Pops has made the kitchen a living nightmare,” Ronan says, and Adam glares at him, affronted. “So what about we go out to grab something sweet? Sit out on the peer while eating it?”

Livvy and Gage chorus excited words of affirmation and Adam refuses to let Ronan in the kitchen till it’s cleaned up.

“Fuck, it looks like World War III or some shit in there, doesn’t it?”

“One more crack at my cooking resembling a war zone and I swear I’m filing for a divorce,” Adam threatens.

Ronan just laughs and something deep in Adam’s chest blooms, pleased that at the very least the cupcakes had their intended effect.

#PYNCH #ADAM PARRISH #RONAN LYNCH #THE RAVEN CYCLE #SPILT INK

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fandoms-live · 4 years

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thoughts on: call down the hawk, by maggie stiefvater

title analysis:

i’m not quite sure where this comes from, i might have missed something while reading :((

characters worth contemplation:

- ronan - oh ronan. his willingness to help people makes him so beautifully human. it’s impossible for me to imagine him holding hands or hugging anyone because i just picture him as unshakeable. but being human is beautiful. i admire his persistence to chasing bryde, connecting to niall’s questionable past, and to helping jordan, hennessy, and his father’s dreams make it to grow old.

- hennessy - she’s lived a rough life. not sleeping through the night for over a decade definitely breaks a world record or two and is extremely admirable. imagine what she could’ve done if she knew how to dream without killing herself…

- jordan - some would say the most interesting character. how do dream copies work exactly? no one knows, but jordan is bold, never hesitating to speak her mind to hennessy or even declan. it’s due to her persistence that the whole gang survives. her talent for art is insane and i’m waiting on her original work.

- declan - beautifully boring, declan truly is an enigma. he’s boring because he has to lay low, but his intelligence is obvious. everything is carefully planned out, that is, until he meets jordan. then, thoughts run wild. i love their friendship/relationship more than life and declan deserves the world for taking care of ronan and matthew and keeping their broken family alive and well.

setting:

virginia where the barns are, d.c. where declan interns for a senator, cambridge (briefly) for ronan to visit adam at harvard

random thoughts/general:

- maggie stiefvater is one of my favorite authors for many reasons, but most importantly, it is because i love her writing so much. people read for many reasons - to escape the everyday world, for the wild plots, for the character interactions, for the characters themselves. maggie’s writing does all of these aspects so so well. her writing is so raw, yet lighthearted and funny. the things that ronan, hennessy, and jordan say are honestly hilarious. she accurately represents all of her characters and their ages all match with their behaviors. her characters are beautifully complex and multifaceted. they are real people with genuine flaws and complicated personal reasons for doing their own things. the story is so dependent on the characters and includes so many details that i feel i really know them. i’m able to see a bit of myself in each character. each character has their own life and they don’t exist just to serve the plot. each character also grows to love themselves BY loving their friends, which defies the more popular stereotype that you have to learn to love yourself before you can love other people. i also love how she captures the strong sense of love and loyalty that teenagers feel towards their friends (gangsey). maggie also explains emotions that i didn’t know i felt and that i couldn’t explain myself. her semi-abstract descriptions make everything seem like a dream, which is apt. she describes even the most common scenes (grocery store at night) in such a way that each becomes super memorable even if it doesn’t further the plot. the story feels never ending - i could read this a hundred times and realize something new each time (her extended metaphors help with this). it’s hard to describe the genre because it’s a little bit of everything, even though maggie herself has specified one.

(insp: https://fandoms-live.tumblr.com/post/622046543622684672/cabeswater-and-camaros-today-is-the-one-year)

- the romance is truly one of a kind. maggie is able to convey so many emotions without hot-and-heavy makeouts and explicit scenes which could discourage some readers. thoughtful words, gestures, and interactions between characters do so much more. simple (or perhaps not so simple) conversations and touches between declan and jordan create so much romantic tension that it is impossible to miss. yet it remains perfectly pg. the details they notice about each other and maggie’s writing of their perspectives is so beautiful.

- she weaves in details so subtly that you must read closely or else you’ll miss them. liliana appears a few times, first as a young woman, then a younger girl, then a old woman. if you miss the bits about the visionaries aging with explosions of sound from the years they missed, you’d miss that she was a visionary. noticing the details while reading carefully makes it so much better.

- the subplots that are actually all connected - carmen trying to save the world. it’s a common trope - must do things for the greater good, even if they are distasteful. kind of like thanos from avengers: endgame - she’s tracking down zeds to kill them so the world at large may survive. but it’s only after several of carmen’s chapters that readers understand how she is relevant to the study. i like how maggie introduces characters briefly and leaves us to figure out how they may relate to the plot, which we eventually figure out - all in good time.

- nightwash is an interesting concept

favorite quotes:

- “You are made of dreams and this world is not for you.”

- “Dreams are not the safest thing to build a life on.” - “Adam. Ronan missed him like a lung.”

- “Tamquam alter idem.”

- honestly the whole book

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flying-elliska · 5 years

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I finally finished Call Down the Hawk ! Here’s my first reaction (very spoilery!!!!)

- On the whole I loved it. Loved most of the new characters, the themes, the more grown up vibe and the expanding worldbuilding. Is very clearly a set up, opening novel so a bit frustrating in the pacing but nothing major, just a lot more questions than answers. I just felt like it was still the start of the novel, rising tension and then boom ! the end. Had the same feeling with the Raven Boys tbh. But mostly I didn’t want it to end so soon.

- this book is so sad ? but sad in a nuanced, gotta cope with it, adult sort of way. Like TRC was about a cool adventure quest, of course there were threats but it was full of magic and friendship and the thrill of becoming yourself and wanting *something more.*This is about stopping the end of the world and people having no good options and I can’t think of one main character in this book that isn’t like...subtly devastating. But it’s sad in a way that centers the agency of the protagonists and how much they care and how hard they’re trying, so it doesn’t feel fatalistic or gloomy. It’s just *arrrrrgh my heart*. They’re all trying so hard to cope but if they don’t find a better way to cope with their problems soon it’s going to kill them. Lol the young adult mood nowadays or what.

- Ronan broke my heart, really. I loved that on one hand there are clear signs that he’s grown so much - he is able to show tenderness, to be open about his sexuality, he’s taken control of his dreaming to a point where he’s capable to help Hennessy - but at the same time he’s clearly depressed and he doesn’t know his place in the world and feels like everyone is moving on without him. Because the implications of his powers make it impossible for him to live a ‘normal’ life. Surviving your teenage years and self-acceptance is only the beginning ; then you have to deal with a world that isn’t made for you. He needs to find his people. This is just so, so relatable for a neuroatypical twenty-something...feels like a punch in the face. I am sooooo happy he found Hennessy and I can’t wait to see where their relationship goes. Worried about Bryde and how easily he could manipulate Ronan, though. Also, I am interested in the new sun symbolism attached to him - the kid permanently dressed in black with his ‘night horrors’ previously - now he’s making little lights/little suns everywhere in the guise of fireflies or floating flowers or little lights ; he has sundogs and a sun blade. Obviously there could be a link to the fire that is slated to destroy the world (and Kavinsky’s fire dragon !!!!) but it can also very much go in the direction of ‘stepping into the light’ and full life giving potential and sun-drenched tomatoes and happiness. MAN his arc in this trilogy is going to rock so hard i just cannot wait.

- I just love Hennessy and her girls so, so much. The idea of living with clones of yourself is so fascinating to me...the fact that Hennessy struggles with the similarities with her mother, the artist who killed herself, and how caring for the girls seems to be a substitute for caring for herself, which she can’t manage. That scene in the bathroom...heartbreaking. Like can you imagine not being able to sleep for longer than 20 min ? That’s torture. Nod her relationship with Jordan, so complex. This idea of ‘my parallel universe self can live a better life than me if I keep all the self-hate’ ; of dreaming a better version of yourself. They care for each other so much but there is so much resentment being trapped in that state of being too. I wonder why Hennessy dreamed copies instead of something else : out of a need to be less alone with her plight ? To find others like her ? Or is it a darker ‘take her not me’ way to hide ? The fact that she gets a moon sword in the end (the moon being a reflection of the sun duh) makes this symbolism all the more present. Maybe she had this struggle of feeling like a copy of her mother, beautiful and wild and doomed and codependent on the man she loved. I can’t wait to see where this goes. I was just heartbroken that most of the girls had to die. Plus some bi rep yayyyyy (and more characters that are not white dudes ftw). It’s interesting that the Lace picked her specifically to torment ; I can’t help but feel it’s tied to that unsteady sense of self. Anyway, I really hope Hennessy gets to a place of love and self knowledge and self care and being surrounded by people who love her. I feel like her POV really underlines how tiring it can be to doubt yourself so constantly.

- Declan Lynch ! Wow, I just love love love a POV switch that shows unsuspected depths about a previously disliked character. His arc is really *eldest sibling plight* taken to the extreme. Being boring for survival because you can’t afford to be a problem. Yup, extremely relatable too. It’s very refreshing because a lot of the MC of TRC have this ‘edgy cool we don’t like rules vibes’ which can come over as very immature (i meah duh they’re teens) and Declan had to grow up too fast and his sticking to the rules and trying to impose structure on Ronan’s life and completely draining his own life of any sense of joy or individuality, feels half like a survival technique half trauma response stemming from the terror of being given responsibilities at way too young an age and coping with the chaotic environment he grew up in and the constant threat of discovery. It’s like, textbook ‘child parentalization’ and it really sucks and Niall Lynch is an incredible asshole. And Ronan is pretty much stuck in father worship mode and turning all his anger towards Declan. The growth there...is going to be super therapeutic. And I love his thing with Jordan. Survival makes it impossible for them to be their true selves but they find something true together ? Aww. I can’t wait for them to be together at the Barns, which is really Romance Central in this universe. (I foresee angst too but ehhhh). And more art flirting and museum dates.

- I also love how dream beings are getting more autonomy in this book. I think Declan distancing himself from Jordan in the end is this old complex about being non-magical and therefore inferior, but also because he doesn’t consider dreams to be real people capable of consent or interiority. I found the idea of Aurora Lynch always extraordinarily fucked up and in this book we learn it’s even worse - that she was basically a copy of Declan’s real mom ? Imagine growing up with that...no wonder he hates Niall. Though the idea of Mor O Corra doing the same thing is really intriguing, makes you wonder what the fuck happened there (was it a mutual decision ? was it a revenge thing ? Man their whole family is just so messed up lmao. But I just love the idea of Boudicca and the magical lady mob though.) And Matthew learning he is a dream and starting to deviating from his ‘happy but kind of dumb’ behavior in the previous books. He’s always been this previsible creature but now he isn’t and I feel like a big difference between him and Jordan was this knowledge. She has this knowledge of what she is and she immediately has more sense of self and agency and I feel that that’s a key theme of the book - knowledge, self knowledge. It’s basically what the ‘Call Down the Hawk’ title links to - Bryde talking about the man who turned into a falcon and then a hawk and learning so much about the world ; calling down the hawk would mean the man coming down and sharing this knowledge ; for Ronan it’s as well meeting and helping Hennessy ; so it’s about knowing your own nature through meeting people who are like you, as well. I love !!!!!

- Adam ! Not enough Adam in this book. I spent the book missing him, but that makes sense, because that’s the mindset Ronan is in. He represents what Ronan can’t have, and the Longing tm just permeates the whole book. Everytime he appears he’s just the epitome of cool, whether as dark academia vibes Harvard Student with his queer clique the Crying Club or Hot Motorcycle Boyfriend. He knows exactly what Ronan needs - understands his distrust when Ronan wonders if this is the Real Adam, tells him ‘go slow’ instead of just don’t, wants to take a look at Bryde to check the dude out, drives eight fucking hours on a motorcycle he can’t even drive properly to spend three hours with Ronan...he’s just like a dreamboat in this one lmao and after all the shit he went through in TRC...Therapeutic. But he is also increasingly distant and it’s so painful in a delicious way - the longing between characters who are already together but who are being kept apart by life is one of my fave angst tropes ever. Ronan wants to grow old with him and has romantic horny farmer dreams about him and the whole ‘tamquam alter idem’ thing...Boi i die that shit is just so...Romance tm. And I love how true to them it is, they’re achingly tender and yet there is still that strong chaotic shithead vibe between the two of them. Honestly the fight with the murder crabs was fucked up but made me laugh so much too. But then Ronan not being able to stay ? HEARTBREAKING. Ronan having Adam under ‘MANAGEMENT’ in his phone...really fucking funny but also feels like Ronan puts a sense of stability and direction in Adam and now that Adam is so distant...he feels extra vulnerable so he compensates with jokes. Ouch. Anyway I really want more about Adam and the Crying Club. Adam’s mix of cold, calculating pragmatism and compassion and understanding ? I love him so much, damn. I hope he’s a POV character in next book. I can see Ronan disappearing with Bryde and Adam looking for him, tbh. He’s too important to Ronan to stay on the periphery forever I hope.

- the Carmen Farooq-Lane chapters were my least favorite, especially when she’s with Parsifal - it felt kind of repetitive. I feel like Maggie’s villain chapters are often sort of a weak point - the bad guys tend to be either ‘Vague Ominous Cosmic Horror Entity that wants to Destroy Everything’ (also often a terrifying reflection of mental health issues/existential terror) or ‘Evil Prep’ lmao, and I had the same feeling w the Whelk or Greenmantle chapters in TRC. That said, I feel like Farooq-Lane has potential. Her persistent self delusion about how she’s the good guy is fascinating. Her ‘evil sibling, obvious trauma hidden by politeness and cleanliness, probably is going to have a redemption arc’ thing feels very Gray Man. Her punching Ramsay moment was very ‘hell yeah’ and tbh I already ship her with Liliana - who feels a bit underdrawn at the moment too, but interesting potential. The Moderators, still, feel a bit too ‘generic lawful evil agency’ yet, but the concept is interesting. I really really love Bryde as an idea though. His speeches to Ronan are fascinating ; from one aspect they really illustrate a fascinating concept of the Earth coming back to real magic but from another, he sounds like a cult leader. Selling this idea to vulnerable people that their difference makes them special - and well Ronan and Hennessy definitely are, but does that make them better than other people ? Seen as how Ronan reacts to Declan, it feels like he would be vulnerable to that idea. Hennessy not so much ; I can see her accept Bryde’s help out of pure necessity maybe, but not be swayed by his lies. I really feel like they’re going to need each other.

- So much cool worldbuilding...The Fairy Market concept is amazing (but also scary as shit right...like they’re selling people ? Probably dreams but that is still fucked up as hell ? Then again we’ve seen dreams die in pretty casual circumstances so the question is very much ‘so...what is personhood here?’). The idea of Visionaries is absolutely horrifying. Some people saying Adam could become one ? My god I’m not sure if I could stand those levels of angst. His ‘seeing the future of the world instead of people’ thing though...feels very compatible. Or at least like Adam could contrebalance the Visionaries’s visions somehow at the very least. Anyway, this is going to hurt. But it’s cool to have more answers ; the ending of TRC left a lot unexplained in my mind about the Lynch fam or why all those people wanted the Greywaren so bad etc. So this is very satisfying.

- So Miss Maggie really went wanting to be normal at the expense of your true self is no way to live and also if you don’t create what you need to, you're going to die ? haha thanks for the callout i feel attacked. But honestly her saying that this was about the necessity and price of creation man I am soooo interested in where this is going to go next. All in all a stellar book, 10/10 would read again to overanalyze (yeah more than this even), most frustrating thing is waiting for the next one

#call down the hawk #cdth #cdth spoilers #maggie stiefvater #pynch

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antiquechampagne · 5 years

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Mixed Media - Ch1 - Deja Vu

Watching the way the dining room light danced on the surface of the diamonds facets, Rita idly spun her wedding ring around her finger with her right hand. She was having a hard time concentrating on her son’s prattling; something about another kid in his first grade class. Her stomach lurched.

“Isn’t that funny, mom?” Jackson asked, turning to her.

Snapping back to reality, all Rita could manage was, “Oh… yeah. Sure.”

“Are you feeling alright?” Declan put his fork full of spaghetti down.

Rita had to ruminate for a moment on her husband’s question. She had felt off most of the day, but it was only at dinner that her stomach had really began to bother her. As she concentrated on her body, she could sense the beginnings of a migraine starting to burrow its way into her brain.

“I’m sorry, hon,” Rita rubbed her temples. “I haven’t felt good most of the day.”

“Why don’t you take it easy on the couch with your tea? We can handle the rest of dinner, can’t we, chap?”

“Sure.” Jackson nodded. Rita rose from the table and headed to the living room. “I hope you feel better, mom.”

“Thanks, guys.” She patted his shoulder. “I hope so too.”

Rita spent the next half an hour listening to the distant clink of silverware, the tea doing nothing for her turbulent state of health. Next, she heard the sink in the kitchen and laughter as her family cleaned up after their meal. Soon after, Declan leaned through the doorway to check on her.

“The TV isn’t on? You must really be sick if you aren’t even gaming. Guess that means you won’t be writing tonight either.”

Rita shook her head. Even if she had felt up to it, she had been suffering for writers block for over a week. Sitting at a computer was not in her cards tonight.

“Maybe it was the sweet rolls Tracey brought in.” She frowned. “My stomach is flopping around like a fish.”

“Why don’t you go to bed? You look like hell. I’ll take Jack up to the park for an hour or so before bed. It should keep us out of your hair and knock him out.”

Rita really wanted to refuse, to try to help Declan out with their nighttime routine, but she knew better. She was no help in the state she was in.

Trailed by her husband, Rita slipped into bed. Declan placed a glass of water and her cellphone on the nightstand, just in case she needed to get ahold of them at the park.

“Feel better, Love.” He said as the door closed behind him, leaving her in the dark. She only allowed herself to relax once she heard the front door close, the whole house silent in her family’s absence. Slowly, Rita drifted off to an uneasy sleep.

Rita woke from the blackness, her body jostling side to side. A cool breeze chilled her face. Thinking she might have left a window open, Rita slowly opened her eyes. It took a few blinks to register the tall green conifer trees passing by, breaking up a hazy sky. The rough wooden seat dug into her legs through her thin pajama pants. She tried to wipe her face, only to find her hands bound together. Why could she hear the clopping of horse hooves?

“Hey, you. You’re finally awake.”

Rita’s eyes focused on the man across from her. He looked to be clothed in something from a renaissance festival, with long blond braided hair and bushy facial hair. The last remnants of her headache retreated from her mind.

“You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, and that thief over there.”

Rita groaned, cutting off the grumbling thief. “You have got to be kidding me. That’s it… No more 6-hour Skyrim streams on a work night. This dream has great resolution though.”

A soldier clothed in red armor shouted back at the group. “Shut up back there!” he ordered.

The thief, shivering in his rags, turn to the man sitting next to Rita. “And what’s wrong with him?”

Before the chatty prisoner could answer, Rita cut in.

“Don’t worry, I got this…” She pointed as best she could to each man as she talked. “Your name is Lokir, a horse thief from Rorikstead. He’s Ralof, a Stormcloak soldier from Riverwood, that guy next to me is the big shot himself, Ulfric Stormcloak.” The three men stared at her, sitting there in front of them rolling her eyes. She shrugged. “If you are going to be in a meme-dream, you might as well shake things up a bit. Am I right? Do you even have any idea how many times I have restarted my character in this game?”

Lokir broke out of his trance first. “Ulfric? The Jarl of Windhelm? You're the leader of the rebellion. But if they captured you... Oh gods, where are they taking us?”

Rita jumped in again. “Helgen. Here’s a free tip, Lokir. If you don’t run, maybe you'll live past the tutorial.”

“Well then, what village are you from, stranger?” a confused Ralof asked.

“Indianapolis.”

“Never heard of such a place.”

“I’m not from around here.”

Ralof waxed poetic, the gravity of his words worn thin on Rita's ears. “A Nord’s last thoughts should be of home.”

The cart rounded the bottom of the hill, steadily rolling through the rocky walls of Helgen.

A guard called out. "General Tullius, sir! The headsman is waiting!"

Rita had heard these words so many times before; she ignored most of them. Instead focusing on the world around her. She could smell the cooking fires of the barracks and homes they passed mixing with the smell of the animals. Birds sang, their songs echoing off the masonry and high mountain peaks above their heads. The bounce of the cart rolling over the cobblestones was making her back ache. As they pulled up to the small square in front of Helgen's main tower, Rita was transfixed momentarily at the detail of the thatched roofs that surrounded her.

The cart began to slow.

Rita was brought by to the present by the thief's shaking voice. "Why are we stopping?"

"Why do you think?' Ralof answered. "End of the line." The cart came to an abrupt stop. "Let's go. Shouldn't keep the gods waiting for us."

"I wonder why there isn't ambient music. It's so weird without it." Rita shook her head.

Lokir pleaded with the soldier to no avail. "No! Wait! We're not rebels!" Each of them were roughly shooed out of the cart.

"Face your death with some courage, thief." Rolaf admonished.

"You've got to tell them! We weren't with you! This is a mistake!" Lokir's nerves were shot. He shifted his weight back and forth on his feat, itching for any opening.

An Imperial Commander in front of them barked out an order. "Step towards the block when we call your name. One at a time!"

Next, she leaned over to Ralof, "Empire loves their damn lists, am I right?" Ralof cocked an eyebrow down at her.

An Imperial with a list read out the first name. "Ulfric Stormcloak, jarl of Windhelm." Ulfric strode defiantly across the cobbles.

Ralof stood proudly, watching his commander go."It has been an honor, Jarl Ulfic!"

The roll call continued. Ralof was next to be called forward. Rita knew who was next. Rita leaned close to Lokir.

"Dude, Lokir... don't run. They’re just going to shoot you." She could tell he wasn't listening. He looked like a rabbit cornered and scared, eye wide and breathing fast.

"Lokir of Rorikstead."

"No, I'm not a rebel! You can't do this!" Faster than Rita had remembered, he bolted across the courtyard.

"HALT!" the Captain commanded.

Full of adrenaline and terror, Lokir taunted back, "You're not going to kill me!"

Rita rolled her eyes as the order was issued for the archers to stop Lokir's escape.

"Anyone else feel like running?" The Imperial Captain scanned the crowd, daring each of them to test the aim of those under her command.

The Imperial soldier with the checklist looked Rita up and down as he checked his list.

"Wait. You there. Step forward. Who are you?"

Rita left the line. "Well, I don't look much like a Khajiit this time, do I?"

"Enough with the funny business. Where do you hail from?"

"I don't think you have where I am from on any map around here."

"You are trying my patience, prisoner."

Rita raced through the possibilities. "I guess I would be a Breton, I suppose?"

"Name."

"Rita Edwards."

He turned to his commander. "Captain. What should we do? She's not on the list."

"Forget the list. She goes to the block."

Rita followed as the Captain instructed, straining her ears, filtering out those who spoke around her. A shape caught her eye. The soldier nearest the wall had a sword strapped to his belt, but something about it stuck out to her. It took a moment for her to realize it was the wrong kind of sword. The hilt and pommel glinted gold in the sun, the blade straight. It was a Chinese officer sword.

"That shouldn't be there..." Rita didn't have time to contemplate it as a distant roar echoed off the mountains. She could hardly repress a smile.

"What was that?" the soldier asked.

The boring dialog droned on. Rita looked to the sky, catching glimpses through the trees and buildings of a foreboding shape nearing the town. She was so distracted she didn't notice her name being called. A soldier roughly shoved her forward, towards the chopping block, the stone already bloodied from the prisoner before her. She hesitated. Being this close to so much blood turned her stomach worse than her dinner had. A coppery-sweet scent wafted to her nose as she was shoved to her knees.

"Can't we just skip this part?" This was entirely too real for her. A pair of meaty hands pressed her head to the stone, soaking the side of her face in still-warm blood.

"Come on, Alduin..." Rita muttered under her breath as the headsman raised his axe.

Right on cue, a giant dragon landed on the top of the tower. Screams and shouts filled Rita's ears. Fire rained down, setting the town a blaze, scattering people in every direction. All this Rita had expected... what she didn't understand was why the wrong dragon had attacked Helgen. Alduin wasn't calling down meteor showers or unleashing an unrelenting force. Instead, a blight-heralding archdemon sat above them breathing down fire, resplendent with its corrupt leathery purple-black skin. It was the wrong dragon.

"What the fuck, Todd?!"

#fallout #fallout 4 #mixed media #fanfic #fan fic #dragon age #elder scrolls

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kayliemusing · 3 years

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26: WIP Questionnaire

1. What is the title of your WIP? - Currently I am going by the title "Wake"

2. What is your WIP about? - My main character, Holly Vincent, goes on a quest to find The Cursed Fate in hopes of saving her recently disappeared mother, but she must hurry because her time is running out.

3. What Genre is your WIP? - YA Fantasy-Romance

4. What is the target audience for your WIP? - 12+

5. How long have you been working on your WIP? - I've been planning it for about four years or so. Yikes. But this last year has been the most progress I've made.

6. What draft are you on? - The first draft

7. Did you plot your WIP before you started writing, or are you pantsing it? - I'm trying to plot it to the best of my ability. I've just started trying to write it, but I fall in between planning and pantsing. I like to have an idea of where I'm going but I find I'm most creative while I'm physically writing and in that headspace so I'm giving myself lots of room to make things up as I go.

8. What program do you write your WIP in? - Microsoft Word because I know it the most lol. (I've been considering trying out Scrivner tho)

9. What inspired your WIP/how did you think of it? - I initially got the idea in 2017 so I can't remember the "aha!" moment of my idea, but I was really inspired by Hades and Persephone in Greek Mythology as well as the Moirai in Greek myths. I was also inspired lots by the A Court of Thorns and Roses series by Sarah J Maas, as well as the Caraval series by Stephanie Garber.

10. Share a song that makes you think of your WIP. - My Tears Ricochet by Taylor Swift

11. What is your WIP’s aesthetic? - I don't have a name for the aesthetic really, but in my pinterest board, my wip is heavily inspired by: Victorian London, medieval/fantasycore, starry skies, the colour gold, dark green forests.

12. Do you want to publish your WIP traditionally, self publish, post it online, or keep it for yourself? - I plan to eventually publish it traditionally, but I'm open to it also just being kept with me if I decide later on that I don't think it should be published.

13. A little bit about your protagonist? - Holly Vincent is my main protagonist- she's the character I thought of first. She is 18 years old and living within the mortal lands. However she's a little more complicated than the people around her, because she's clairvoyant in a land where magic or any kind of sixth sense is completely forbidden. Her mother was also clairvoyant, and Holly had ended up spending most of her teen years taking care of her mother who eventually lost her grip on reality due to her clairvoyance, and because of this Holly doesn't like to press into her abilities. She's quite scared of them. She's also very loyal, emotionally driven and completely altruistic which kind of sets off her adventure to find/save her mother. She's also very driven to find her purpose.

14. A little bit about your supporting cast? - Arrow is a bandit that runs into Holly and eventually accompanies her on this journey to find The Cursed Fate. Arrow is a very lost character and really struggles with understanding who he is or what his purpose is, which kind of gives him grounds on relating with Holly more than he really realizes. He's very smart, curious, and independent, and he's quite observant. - Becca Davis who has grown up alongside the throne because her father is the King's Royal Guard. She's best friends with the King's son Declan. She also has big dreams to become a Knight, even though girls aren't allowed to be. She's very determined, reliable, independent and strong willed. hardworking. She has a complicated relationship with her father, which is a large driving factor in her story, and she really values his approval. - Another character who was going to be part of Becca's story was one of my favourite characters who I'm in love with. His name is Cassian and he is one of the Fates known as a the Fate of Love and Passion. He's very bougie and loves a life of luxury. He's always dressed immaculately and cares deeply about his outward appearance. He's also very sly, charming, and playful. - Note: Becca and Cassian were originally a part of an idea I had to make this book Multi-POVs, with the POV centered around Becca's journey. I'm leaning towards keeping it part of one book as the events in Becca's journey are in the same world and time as Holly's journey. I'm having trouble mostly trying to tie these two together in a unique/interesting or realistic way. If I decide to cut them from Holly's book, I planned to have Becca and Cassian have their own spinoff. (But I'm heavily leaning towards lacing Becca's journey with Holly's.)

15. A little bit about your antagonist? - There's a couple of antagonists in this book. For Becca, there's Declan who used to be her best friend but due to circumstances (which adhere to her plotline) they have a falling out and he becomes her enemy. Declan is my favourite antagonist, because he's not *really* an antagonist but a victim of tragedy and grief. It's his grief that propels him into becoming the antagonist. For Holly, her antagonist is actually her life's fate, which is to die in her eighteenth year. Because of this, she battles a lot of illness throughout the book which complicates other obstacles as well.

16. What is the setting of your WIP like? - My setting is set in two places. We have the Mortal Lands, which is home to the humans. The Mortal lands known as Estermere is filled with vast countrysides, mountains and hills. Providence is the city where Holly and Becca grew up is very inspired by Victorian London, so big brick buildings, cobblestoned streets, big markets. The weather is often cloudy and grey, but the sun does like to peak out during the summer months. - My second setting is in the non-mortal lands that I call Aeonian. Aeonian is home to those who are not human and is filled with magic. Aeonian is filled with clear, starry skies, crystal-clear lakes and rivers, bright vegetation and just very fairytale-esque. - I don't know if my characters are ever going to explore this place, but a part of the mythology in my story is in a land called The Haven, which is home to deities and gods/goddesses. It's more brutal there, very cold and grey, sharp-looking buildings, rocky and dark.

17. One fun fact about the world of your WIP? - In Aeonian, there's a mountain called Lada's Mountain which was named after the goddess Lada after the god Ozen cast her out of The Haven and she fell into Aeonian. A large mountain grew in her place and now Lada's Mountain is known as a mountain of blessing and prosperity.

18. Do you have any faceclaims/picrews for your characters? - I do! But they're all on my pinterest board and I don't feel like posting them here lol.

19. Share a song that makes you think of your protagonist. - Holly: Oceans by Seafret - Arrow: Natural by Imagine Dragons, alternatively Neptune by Sleeping At Last reminds me of him as well. - Becca: My Tears Ricochet by Taylor Swift (this song fits a lot of the main characters in my story so I also consider it the "theme song" of my wip) - Cassian: Outgrown by Dermot Kennedy

20. Share a song that makes you think of your antagonist. - My Tears Ricochet by Taylor Swift also reminds me of Declan. It reminds me of Becca and Declan’s friendship on a whole.

21. Does your WIP have romance? If so, what is your favorite couple? - Obviously!! I live only for romance novels so it's natural that I write them too. Cassian and Becca in my head are my favourite. Arrow and Holly are cute, but Cassian and Becca are the two I'm most excited to write which is a large reason I don't want to cut them from this book because I just *have* to write them, immediately.

22. Favorite friendship in your WIP? - I'm planning for Holly and Becca to have a good friendship in this book but I'm still struggling on working out the kinks. I would also say Declan and Becca because they made such good friends, but their friendship is mostly turmoil and betrayal so it just ~hurts me~

23. Characters with the best dynamic? - Probably Arrow and Holly, even though Cassian and Becca are my favourite couple.

24. Share a song that makes you think of your favorite character dynamic. - I don't think I have another song oops!

25. Easiest character to write? - Cassian

26. Hardest character to write? - Oddly enough, Holly is someone I find hard to write. I've just begun my first draft but a couple months ago I start with writing short stories on the characters just to get a grasp on them as people and I've found Holly very hard to write.

27. Which character is the most like you? - I think Becca is a little bit like me.

28. What is the strangest thing you’ve had to research for your WIP? - I don't think I've had anything too strange yet because I've just started, but there's been tons in other stories lol

29. What is the latest you’ve stayed up/earliest you’ve gotten up to write? - I think I stayed up until 1 AM writing once and the earliest I got up was 9 AM, but I don't like to write in the mornings because I find my creative threshold is usually between 4 pm - 11 pm. (Maybe even starting later than around, around 5 or 6 pm). I've always wanted to be the writer that writes in the morning because I get anticipation anxiety when I haven't done anything but it's just not it for me lol.

30. Do any of the names in your WIP have significance? - Yes! But mostly the places are significant. Holly's mom has a significant name because her name is Asteria which means astrology or dreams, and because she's clairvoyant I thought it fit. I have the name Maeve for one of the Fates sisters; Maeve mostly means 'Intoxicating' I think, but I read on pinterest it can also mean 'evil queen' (but I highly doubt that's for real lmao) but the evil queen was the reason I named that character Maeve, because she's the Original sister Fate that is known as the 'mother of death'. As for my geography, Providence means God's will which can also mean destiny so I thought it tied in with the theme of this novel. Aeonian means everlasting, which I felt also fit with the theme, but that's it as far as names!

31. Favorite line from your WIP? - I don't think I have one yet, because I've only just started lol.

32. Is your WIP action heavy, or more relaxed? - I think it'll meet in the middle. I'm worried about writing action because it's not my strength, but there's definitely a few scenes I have planned in my head that are action packed.

33. What are your favorite tropes you use in your WIP? - Enemies To Lovers baby

34. Sum up your WIP using only emojis. - N/A (I'm on my lap top sorry!)

35. What are some of the themes of your WIP? - Purpose, love triumphs, destiny

36. What is the message you want readers to take away from your WIP? - I don't know this yet. I know I have the main idea of writing about purpose and meaning, because that's something I'm struggling with but that's as far as I know

#I'm avoiding facing the frustration of plot holes so i decided to do this instead #surveys #about my wip

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frayedpatches · 7 years

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Raven Cycle Fic Recs!

The Pynch section yo

- Wonderterror Weekend by nimmieamee - E - 49k

Adam Parrish gets Saturday off and spends the day falling in love with Ronan Lynch.

He also spends it fighting monsters, visiting Europe, and traumatizing people. But falling in love with Ronan Lynch is the part he chooses.

- With Quiet Words I'll Lead You In by @jesper-fahey - T - 20k

In that moment, Ronan looks like some kind of ferocious monument to a new found god; young, but infinite in power and a furious kind of sharp-edged beauty. Adam’s lungs feel a little short of air, but it’s probably just due the cold.

“I was freezing my fucking balls off out there.” Ronan complains and, just like like that, the illusion is shattered. He is a boy once more.

Cabeswater is trying to get Adam to realise something, but he's struggling to understand what. When he and Ronan break down in the middle of nowhere, Adam finally finds himself with enough time on his hands to figure out some things about himself and his feelings.

- Keeps Me From Unravelling by @jesper-fahey - N/A - 11k

Whatever response Ronan gives, it’ll be the truth, not just spilled platitudes; it makes Adam desperately want to win his approval. Ronan, this enigma of a boy with the ability to create anything from nothing, who has dreamed some of the most amazing, ridiculous creations. Adam chews on his bottom lip briefly, before forcing himself to stop. To be casual.

Ronan stops, stares at the gift sitting on his lap and then barks out the loudest laugh in delight. “Fuck, Parrish that is hideous!” His eyes are alight with a wild kind of joy.

(Or the one where a prompt generator gave me "Adam Parrish knits Ronan Lynch a hideous sweater" and I ran with it.)

- Heart of Stone, Heart of Flesh by @charmingpplincardigans - T - 28k

The elk appeared out of the shadow of the forest canopy as if materializing in mid-air. He was as tall as the moa, but also had massive antlers that reached up and tangled with the branches on the trees. His coat was a dusty chestnut color with a white starburst over his chest and smattering of white across his cheeks and nose. The elk leaned over the fence and bent his massive head, as if showing Adam deference. To Adam’s right, Destroyer knelt down on her front knees and dipped her nose into the grass.

To Adam’s left, Ronan bent his head too, like he was about to say grace. When he spoke his voice was soft and low. “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”

(Or, the one where Adam is a veterinarian and Ronan has dreamt up a whole menagerie of extinct/magical creatures.)

- Amor gignit amorem by @amethystinawrites - G - 3k

Considering everything that had happened and just how desperately Adam wanted to get away, he hadn't expected to find anything like peace in Henrietta.

Trust Ronan to prove him wrong.

- Roses on Parade by Jamesina - M - 8k

Adam accidentally ends up in Ronan's dream and Ronan is very Ronan about it and Adam is very Adam about it. Gansey is also briefly very Gansey about things.

Alternate summary: Adam has feelings and hyperventilates about it for 9,000 words.

- Heavenly Wine and Roses by Jamesina - M - 4k

Gansey has everything under control.

- Roses in Between My Thighs by Jamesina - E - 6k

Four things that could have ruined them but didn't.

- the hang of being alive again by @ronibravo - M - 12k

Falling for Ronan had felt like going to speak at the same time as someone else after a long silence, two people bumbling over their words to say, no, sorry, go ahead about three times before one of them says what they were going to say.

- mapping territories by @cheselle T - 3k

“I’m not going to offer you a briefcase of money and demand you stay away from him,” Declan said. “This isn’t a fucking telenovela.”

“I can’t believe,” Adam said, “you just said the word telenovela out loud.”

-- or, Declan has a talk with Ronan's boyfriend.

- adam parrish is in love (or, you can take the boy out of the south) by heyfightme - M - 4k

“Alright Parrish, I yield. What is it, then? You miss the Daisy Dukes and shitkicker boots on those cowgirls back home?” “I’m from Virginia, not Texas. Not a lot of cow-anybodies.” “I refuse to believe you don’t know anyone who lives on a farm.” Parrish rolls his eyes hard enough to shake the earth. “Stewart, of course I know somebody who lives on a farm. Just no cow-people. There’s a difference.”

---

Adam is in college. He has a roommate. Adam's Virginian accent has gotten him curious. Also, Ronan comes to visit.

-Somnium Meum Vestrum by shoulderbone - T - 8k

Ronan smells like smoke and spice, like the memory of a home he's never had; like a feeling he dares not name.

- Without Having To Say by @charmingpplincardigans - T - 24k

“Yeah? Which was the big guy downstairs? Because my good Catholic upbringing didn’t make the distinction.”

Out of nervous habit, Ronan brings his wrist up to his mouth and chews on the leather bands there. He’s been wearing them and chewing on them since he was sixteen. It’s a wonder there’s anything left to them at all. He feels the same way about his good Catholic upbringing.

“I think,” Adam says, quiet now. “That he wasn’t very nice, but that he wasn’t ever given a reason to be. I think it was self-defense.” It’s an explanation that sounds both close to home and far away. He looks up and out the window. His gaze gets caught there, distracted for the first time since they started.

Ronan looks as well, but it’s dark out now and all he can see is the shadow box reflection of the room against the black behind. Set against the rest of it, Adam’s hunched over reflection looks small and dark. Ronan is little more than a few swaths of stark negative space cut against the white glow. Neither of them has a halo.

(Or, that one where Adam is an art major and Ronan agrees to model for a sculpture of Satan.)

- maybe i dreamt you by @memordes - T - 17k

Adam seldom dreamt of other people. His dreams were nebulous, winding, leaving him with abstract impressions. But there was Ronan, solid as flesh—and from there, the dream left Adam with the echo of a feeling.

It was one hell of a feeling, though.

The not really/necessarily pynch fics

- Things That Go Bump In The Night by mochroimanam - T - 9k

Subtitle: The real ghosts are the friends we made along the way! The gang goes to a Halloween haunted house attraction, only to find that things are a bit more....realistic...than expected.

Ronan reminded himself, viciously, that he interacted with a real ghost every day of his life. But Noah’s moments of otherworldly strangeness had nothing on this specter’s air of sheer sinister deadness.

Adam took a step forward next to him, and Ronan’s hand shot out, fingers gripping Adam’s sleeve. Being cornered like this made Ronan feel the same way he’d felt trying to get out of the dank cellar – claustrophobic and scared and angry. “Parrish,” he hissed, trying to pull Adam back. The girl was a good 20 feet away, but it still felt too close, and being any closer seemed like a decidedly bad idea.

- Out for Re-henge by @charmingpplincardigans - G - 7k

Blue has a favor to ask of Ronan while Gansey and Adam are away. She ends up receiving much more than she expected. (Or, that one where Ronan teaches Blue to drive stick and they have adventures.) Post-BLLB.

- we built this city by @fahye - T - 13k

"As you keep pointing out, I've died twice," said Gansey. He was so bright that Henry almost wanted to look away from him, and so compelling that he couldn't. "I don't care what I'm supposed to be doing."

#ficrecdays #the raven cycle fic recs #pynch #sarchengsey #the raven cycle #fic rec days

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afoolsingenuity · 7 years

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Looking Forward // April 2017

I’m mixing things up a bit this month. Normally I only include books which I haven’t read yet and I am excited to read but this month I decided to include all the books I’ve both read and haven’t which are being released this month. I want to get folks excited for books and I want to make sure everyone wants to read too. Basically, I am attempting to spread the love whilst failing epically at talking myself out of spending money.

Geekerella - Ashley Poston Genre: Contemporary, Romance, Retelling, Young Adult Release Date: 4th April 2017 Red Sister – Mark Lawrence Genre: Fantasy Release Date: 6th April 2017

Geek girl Elle Wittimer lives and breathes Starfield, the classic sci-fi series she grew up watching with her late father. So when she sees a cosplay contest for a new Starfield movie, she has to enter. The prize? An invitation to the ExcelsiCon Cosplay Ball, and a meet-and-greet with the actor slated to play Federation Prince Carmindor in the reboot. With savings from her gig at the Magic Pumpkin food truck (and her dad’s old costume), Elle’s determined to win…unless her stepsisters get there first.

Teen actor Darien Freeman used to live for cons—before he was famous. Now they’re nothing but autographs and awkward meet-and-greets. Playing Carmindor is all he’s ever wanted, but Starfield fandom has written him off as just another dumb heartthrob. As ExcelsiCon draws near, Darien feels more and more like a fake—until he meets a girl who shows him otherwise. But when she disappears at midnight, will he ever be able to find her again?

Part romance, part love letter to nerd culture, and all totally adorbs, Geekerella is a fairy tale for anyone who believes in the magic of fandom.

It's not until you're broken that you find your sharpest edge.

A brilliant new series from the bestselling author of PRINCE OF THORNS.

"I was born for killing – the gods made me to ruin"

At the Convent of Sweet Mercy young girls are raised to be killers. In a few the old bloods show, gifting talents rarely seen since the tribes beached their ships on Abeth. Sweet Mercy hones its novices’ skills to deadly effect: it takes ten years to educate a Red Sister in the ways of blade and fist.

But even the mistresses of sword and shadow don’t truly understand what they have purchased when Nona Grey is brought to their halls as a bloodstained child of eight, falsely accused of murder: guilty of worse.

Stolen from the shadow of the noose, Nona is sought by powerful enemies, and for good reason. Despite the security and isolation of the convent her secret and violent past will find her out. Beneath a dying sun that shines upon a crumbling empire, Nona Grey must come to terms with her demons and learn to become a deadly assassin if she is to survive…

A brilliant new series from the bestselling author of PRINCE OF THORNS.

Why Am I Excited?

Well, I’ve read it so it’s easy to give reasons why I’m excited for everyone else to get reading but it is one I want to get my own copy of. I mean, it’s a brilliant book and it’s one for all those who have been a part of any fandom ever. Also, I am very much in love with Darien and I’m not normally a fan of celebrities in books.

Why Am I Excited?

I got an ARC of this book in my Illumicrate box and I’ve not started yet but it sounds amazing. I’ve not read anything from Mark Lawrence before so I am a little nervous about it. It looks utterly awesome, though.

Letters to the Lost – Brigid Kemmerer Genre: Contemporary, Romance, Young Adult Release Date: 6th April 2017 Alex, Approximately – Jenn Bennett Genre: Contemporary, Romance, Young Adult Release Date: 6th April 2017

Juliet Young has always written letters to her mother, a world-traveling photojournalist. Even after her mother’s death, she leaves letters at her grave. It’s the only way Juliet can cope.

Declan Murphy isn’t the sort of guy you want to cross. In the midst of his court-ordered community service at the local cemetery, he’s trying to escape the demons of his past.

When Declan reads a haunting letter left beside a grave, he can't resist writing back. Soon, he’s opening up to a perfect stranger, and their connection is immediate. But neither of them knows that they're not actually strangers. When real life at school interferes with their secret life of letters, Juliet and Declan discover truths that might tear them apart. This emotional, compulsively-readable romance will sweep everyone off their feet.

Bailey “Mink” Rydell has met the boy of her dreams. They share a love of films and talk all day – Alex is perfect. Well, apart from the fact that they’ve never actually met . . . and neither of them knows the other’s real name.

When Bailey moves to sunny California to live with her dad, who happens to live in the same town as Alex, she decides to track him down. But finding someone based on online conversations alone proves harder than Bailey thought, and with her irritating but charismatic (and potentially attractive?) colleague Porter Roth distracting her at every turn, will she ever get to meet the mysterious Alex?

From the author of Night Owls comes a story of summer, first love and hidden identities . . .

Why Am I Excited?

Another book I have read already but had to make sure got a feature because it is an utterly amazing read. I know some people haven’t enjoyed it but I seriously loved this book. I loved the connection between Juliet and Declan and they were utterly adorable and then the book dealt with grief and a complicated relationship between parents and children. I just loved it.

Why Am I Excited?

I have been excited about this book for ages and all I see is rave reviews of this book. I want to read it so bad so I need to get a hold of a copy. I mean Jenn Bennett writes good books anyway but this is a sex positive books which everyone seems to have loved I want to read like last week.

Duels and Deceptions – Cindy Anstey Genre: Historical, Romance, Young Adult Release Date: 11th April 2017 The Upside of Unrequited – Becky Albertalli Genre: Contemporary, Romance, Young Adult Release Date: 11th April 2017

Miss Lydia Whitfield, heiress to the family fortune, has her future entirely planned out. She will run the family estate until she marries the man of her late father's choosing, and then she will spend the rest of her days as a devoted wife. Confident in those arrangements, Lydia has tasked her young law clerk, Mr. Robert Newton, to begin drawing up the marriage contracts. Everything is going according to plan.

Until Lydia—and Robert along with her—is kidnapped. Someone is after her fortune and won't hesitate to destroy her reputation to get it. With Robert's help, Lydia strives to keep her family's good name intact and expose whoever is behind the devious plot. But as their investigation delves deeper and their affections for each other grow, Lydia starts to wonder whether her carefully planned future is in fact what she truly wants…

Seventeen-year-old Molly Peskin-Suso knows all about unrequited love. No matter how many times her twin sister, Cassie, tells her to woman up, Molly can’t stomach the idea of rejection. So she’s careful. Fat girls always have to be careful.

Then a cute new girl enters Cassie’s orbit, and for the first time ever, Molly’s cynical twin is a lovesick mess. Meanwhile, Molly's totally not dying of loneliness—except for the part where she is. Luckily, Cassie's new girlfriend comes with a cute hipster-boy sidekick. If Molly can win him over, she'll get her first kiss and she'll get her twin back.

There's only one problem: Molly's coworker, Reid. He's a chubby Tolkien superfan with a season pass to the Ren Faire, and there's absolutely no way Molly could fall for him.

Right?

Why Am I Excited?

I mean, it’s a historical and a romance and it sounds awesome. I heard about this book last year and I’ve just been counting down to the release ever since. I have enjoyed all the Swoon Reads books I’ve gotten so I don’t doubt I will feel the same about this one. I just need it in my life already.

Why Am I Excited?

Another one I actually have an ARC of but I’ve not read it yet. I am so excited/nervous about this one as I’ve not actually read an Albertalli book before but I heard about this one at the beginning of the year and I wanted to get reading it.

Fireworks – Katie Cotugno Genre: Contemporary, Romance, Young Adult Release Date: 11th April 2017 It Happened on Love Street – Lia Riley Genre: Contemporary, Romance Release Date: 25th April 2017

From Katie Cotugno, bestselling author of 99 Days, comes Fireworks—about a girl who is competing with her best friend to become the new pop star of the moment—and all the drama and romance that comes with it—set in Orlando during the late-'90s boy-and-girl-band craze.

It was always meant to be Olivia. She was the talented one, the one who had been training to be a star her whole life. Her best friend, Dana, was the level-headed one, always on the sidelines, cheering her best friend along.

But everything changes when Dana tags along with Olivia to Orlando for the weekend, where superproducer Guy Monroe is holding auditions for a new singing group, and Dana is discovered too. Dana, who’s never sung more than Olivia’s backup. Dana, who wasn’t even looking for fame. Next thing she knows, she and Olivia are training to be pop stars, and Dana is falling for Alex, the earnest, endlessly talented boy who’s destined to be the next big thing.

It should be a dream come true, but as the days of grueling practice and constant competition take their toll, things between Olivia and Dana start to shift . . . and there’s only room at the top for one girl. For Olivia, it’s her chance at her dream. For Dana, it’s a chance to escape a future that seems to be closing in on her. And for these lifelong best friends, it’s the adventure of a lifetime—if they can make it through.

Set in evocative 1990s Orlando, New York Times bestselling author Katie Cotugno’s Fireworks brings to life the complexity of friendship, the excitement of first love, and the feeling of being on the verge of greatness.

The most romantic place she never wanted to be . . .

Pepper Knight moved to Everland, Georgia, as step one in her plan for a successful legal career. But after this big-city gal's plans go awry, going home with her tail between her legs isn't an option. So when the town vet-and her sexy new neighbor-offers Pepper a temporary dog-walking job, she jumps at the chance. No one needs to know that man's best friend is her worst nightmare . . . or that Everland's hot animal whisperer leaves her panting.

The last thing Rhett Valentine wants is to be the center of small-town gossip. After his first love left him at the altar, he's been there, done that. These days, life is simple, just the way he likes it. But sultry southern nights get complicated once sparks fly between him and the knockout next door. When she proposes a sexy, secret fling-all the deliciousness and none of the prying neighbors-it seems too good to be true. And it is. Because Pepper's determined to leave Love Street, and when she goes, she just might take his heart with her . . .

Why Am I Excited?

A book set in the 90s? I am totally down for that. I have enjoyed Cotugno’s past two books, I had issues with them but I enjoyed them and this is the last chance I’m giving her to totally impress me but I am excited. I think it’s the 90s setting, I am a 90s child after all.

Why Am I Excited?

I blame this one on Nick. All of it. She told me about this book on Twitter and then I got myself a review copy! What?!?! I am insanely excited to get reading but I’ve been waiting to read until it’s closer to the release because that’s how I roll. I adore romance and I trust Nick’s opinion absolutely.

And those are my books for April (maybe, if I can get them all anyway). Have you read any of these? Is there one I should read first? And have any missed any books because you know what I need is more books on my TBR?

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#a fool's ingenuity #books

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toast-the-unknowing · 5 years

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What are the #thots on CDTH?

This is begging for one of those “edgy/depressed/dumbass bitch/thot/bastard” memes, but sadly you sent it to someone with no patience for slapping together graphics, so you get a lot of words instead. Behind a cut, for length and SPOILERS.

I really enjoyed this book, my reactions to most of the additions to canon were positive, it felt a wide range of emotions while reading it and upon finishing I found that it had knocked me sort of off center in that way where I don’t want to write anything ever again, or read anything, or really do much but stare out of windows. I know that feeling will pass, but I’m soaking in it for now. I haven’t yet discerned if there are going to be any substantial changes to the ways that I write these characters, when I write these characters again.

I loved Ronan in this book, which was a relief. I had been a bit worried that Maggie intended for him to end up as Lonely God Ronan, isolated and just too damn special for the rest of humanity, but it now appears that is very much not the plan. It hurt watching him be trapped at the Barns, wanting something different from life and not knowing how to get it, and it was amazing to watch him forge a connection with someone new and find the capability that he has to help other people, instead of just kind of thinking of himself as the fuck-up.

Holy Shit I felt emotions about Matthew, that was unexpected and unprecedented. Fuck did that boy make me sad. I am greatly looking forward to seeing where his story goes, now that he actually has one. I want some quality Matthew & Jordan dream duo bonding time.

I want, just, quality Jordan content in general, I love Jordan, I need more of her, she was wonderful.

Hennessy leaves me cold, but I had a very similar reaction to Ronan until most of the way through The Dream Thieves, so I am giving her the benefit of the doubt and waiting to see what happens in the future.

HOLY SHIT I LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT DECLAN.

It did crack me up that it literally took one page for the book to start talking shit about him, but I also found the whole “Declan is deliberately, crushingly boring” idea interesting. It surprised me but still makes sense in retrospect, which is the best kind of surprise. I hadn’t pictured him as the kind of guy who would go to work and let people snap at him and call him by the wrong name, but I think my understanding might have been a little closer to the version of Declan that still thought he could have Senator or Congressman in front of his name. I think Declan might be the character I most have to reconsider, but I’m happy with how he was portrayed here and I’m looking forward to doing that reconsideration, and to seeing what happens to him next in canon.

God but he just continues to be the hardest working brother, and he still fucks it up, but he doesn’t want to fuck up, but he just shouldn’t have to deal with all of this shit, and ow, ow, my heart.

I adored Declan/Jordan and every moment where she delights in surprising an honest reaction out of him. “I see the real you when no one else does” is EXACTLY my kind of ship.

I had really wanted this trilogy to force Ronan to reexamine his understanding of his father, but getting to see Declan do some actual work on processing his pain is fantastic too. I love all of the moments where he admits that he hates Niall. It fucked me up so bad, because it’s like he doesn’t want to be thinking or saying it but he just cannot keep it in. It’s like his emotional nightwash, but he doesn’t get to dream it away.

@comicsohwhyohwhy and I once discussed the problem of Ashley, and we JOKINGLY suggested that maybe the Ashley from TRB and the Ashley mentioned in TRK are two different Ashleys, that maybe Declan has just dated a string of women named Ashley, and then we had a good laugh about how absurd that would be, and I cannot fucking believe that that has turned out to be canon. I am oddly delighted with this development.

I am happy with the Adam content that we got and with the size of his role. I felt like the book did a good job of honoring his importance in Ronan’s life, letting him be present and matter and affect Ronan (and disagree with him in productive ways where they didn’t just argue and where he wasn’t just Declan 2.0), while still keeping him in a support role, since that was apparently the goal. I’m unclear on what kind of role he’s going to have going forward, but it looks like he’s being set up to have some kind of character arc, with the “Adam is lying to everyone who knows him” situation, so I really do want that to pay out and go somewhere, even if he does continue to be a supporting rather than featured character.

That whole Harvard situation breaks my heart: Adam’s friends think that his family is wonderful and that his boyfriend is a violent drunk. I can’t imagine any interactions around that that aren’t fucked up. Adam having to defend Ronan to his friends any time he comes up, but not being able to tell the truth, so he just sounds like he’s making empty excuses for someone that’s bad for him…which is something that he has in fact had to do, but not about Ronan, about the parents that all of his friends are “jealous” of him for having. Fuck. FUCK.

I loved every mention of Gansey and Blue. I can understand why Maggie doesn’t want to include them as characters, but that could have easily ended in a situation where they’re just…noticeably absent, and instead we got this, confirmation that they still talk to their friends and love them and are involved in their lives, plus we got A+ Gansey-texts-like-an-old-man content.

I enjoyed Farooq-Lane a lot just from a standpoint of being an ordinary normal person who gets put into a weird as shit situation and then…continues to be an ordinary normal person who has ordinary normal reactions to things. I find that kind of shit fascinating – it’s the kind of thing that makes for great comedy and improv, but it can also be very effective in drama, and we really got to see a wide range here.

What. the actual. fuck. is up with the New Fenian and Mor O Corra. Like I mean okay the Lynches have to live through all their parent trauma again, yeah I get that, okay Niall apparently made a dream double of an actual woman he’d slept with which like, wow I didn’t think Aurora could be retroactively creepier but damn if Niall didn’t find a way, blah blah I get all that. But like. What is – what is that relationship, exactly? Between them? Niall’s ex made a dream copy of him, too, but like…as a kid? Or one that doesn’t age? Has Mor O Corra out-creepered Niall Lynch? What the actual fuck is up with those two. I almost don’t want to know. I kind of love being this weirded out.

Bryde is really goddamn tiresome. I am expecting he’s going to turn out to be a villain and honestly that can’t happen fast enough for me. Although I anticipate that we’ll see Ronan buying into his crap more before that happens, so, it looks like we get to look forward to a lot more overblown insufferable monologues about how “special” we are and how we’re better than those gross boring mundane people. Blah.

I’m kind of disappointed that this is apparently a series where the stakes are THE END OF THE WORLD and where the protagonists have to fight a SHADOWY INTERNATIONAL GOVERNMENT ORGANIZATION that can send ARMIES of WELL-ARMED HIGHLY TRAINED OPERATIVES to HUNT DOWN THE PEOPLE WITH SUPERPOWERS – this is 90% of all fantasy stories, and it’s boring, and I’m tired of it. I like that the stakes in The Raven Cycle are small but still immensely meaningful. What happens in The Raven Cycle if the characters don’t succeed? Gansey dies. Ronan dies and Matthew falls asleep. Adam doesn’t go to college. Blue doesn’t get to travel the world. The world doesn’t explode, but we still care so so much about seeing them succeed, because we care so much about those characters living and getting to build the future they want. That’s a thousand times more interesting to me than “we have to…[dramatic music, put on sunglasses] SAVE THE WORLD.” Spare me.

I’m still going to read the other two, obviously, and I’m not even really mad about this, mostly just rolling my eyes. But I expect that Maggie is going to use this plot device I don’t care about to do things emotionally and character-wise that I do care about, and that’s the important part.

There is one actual thing that pisses me off with this book, that I actively hate and wish was not a part of canon, that I will probably just ignore and pretend isn’t canon, at least once I have wrapped my head around the fact that it even happened in the first place: why the fuck does Ronan go to confession.

I was willing to accept in The Raven Cycle that Maggie had no interest in doing anything with the fact that she had made the Catholic character and the gay character the same character, because Ronan is actively figuring himself out in the course of that series, because there’s so much else going on in his head and his life that I can buy that religion isn’t his top priority, because hey, I kind of liked that the series wasn’t one more Sad Story About A Sad Gay Who Is Sad Because Homophobia. I can accept a Ronan who goes to mass every week because that’s family time, because that’s tradition, because that’s what Lynches do.

But going to confession – with some degree of regularity! – is not going through the motions. When I was a Catholic school girl and an ALTAR SERVER who went to mass twice a week, confession was still a “maybe once during Lent, if we get around to it” kind of deal. What the hell does Ronan say in confession, exactly? He’s not confessing to the shit that he actually feels guilty about, playing god and creating life, because that’s a secret. He’s not confessing to the thing that he’s getting told every week is going to send him to hell. So what is he doing there?

This ceases to be “skipping past homophobia so we can just have a nice happy gay story for once (or at least a story that’s unhappy for other reasons)”. This is firmly into “deliberately and cruelly ignoring the real pain and suffering that the Catholic Church inflicts on oppressed people every single day” and I think it was a grave, grave misstep.

So my super general #thots: loved it, largely positive, some things I’m iffy on but excited to see where they go, a couple of plot elements/characters I don’t care for but can put up with for the sake of all of the good, one big negative that will probably feature only very very sparingly in canon.

#cdth spoilers #call down the hawk #the raven cycle #catholicism I guess #Anonymous #the dreamer trilogy #trc meta

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spiltscribbles · 5 years

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Hi! It's me again! 145 or 113 (bc I can't chose fjjkk) for pynch prompt 💜

z~113. “I made you cupcakes cause I knew you liked them”

Send Me A Prompt

Adam’s always appreciated the light thrumming of life that buzzed in Washington, even in the middle of the night. It’s no where as loud as Boston had been, but still, it distracts Adam from floundering in his own thoughts that even now threaten to swallow him whole in an ocean of insecurities and doubt that had first bore to life in the precarious stillness subsequent Robert’s fists and his mother’s impassive gaze. Nights of wondering if he’ll ever be good enough. Good Enough to earn his parent’s affections, Gansey’s friendship, Blue’s warmth…. Which all eventually culminated into questioning if he’ll ever be good enough to deserve the near reverent way Ronan regards him, has always regarded him. To deserve the soft touches and encapsulating kisses and the way Ronan looks at Adam as if he’s the answer to his every question, as if Ronan could find what he’s looking for whispered between the space of Adam’s lips.

Adam tries not to bother figuring out the latter anymore because he knows he never will find a sensible answer. Knows that he’s never deserved Ronan and all Ronan’s brought to his world, transforming the muted grayscale of his carefully methodical outlook into vivid tones of impossibilities come true. No matter how much he loves Ronan, how he never wants to be without him. How Adam thinks Ronan has become a fixture in his very soul that he could never fathom breathing without, he still is so very inept. He still can’t tell him his feelings in so many words— much more preferential to gentle caresses and tender kisses that can bring his feelings to life— and he knows he still comes off aloof and cold during their more real arguments— despite how sparing they might be. Adam can’t ever contort his mouth in the right ways to speak out loud words of comfort and vulnerability he was so deprived of once upon a time. But still, he tries. Adam tries because this’s Ronan, and he wouldn’t be true to himself if he didn’t give Ronan— give them— all he had.

“It’s not your fault,” Adam says, flicks off residue from one of the bright blue creepy-crawlies that had followed Ronan into the real world, from his legs.

Ronan’s only response is an indignant huff.

Looking at him now, Adam can’t help but marvel at how beautiful and sincere and unshielded he truly is. The dark shadows paint across his face and the light spills over him so that his profile is nothing but flat planes, made all the more sharp, and pale eyes shifting to a haunting, stormy grey rather than the icy oceans Adam has always known and has always ben able to see through. Eyes he’s been enthralled with since he had only viewed Ronan as the savagely handsome best friend of Gansey’s who infuriated him in ways Adam never was able to quite comprehend.

“Don’t. Don’t do that.” Adam tells him, moving so that they’re shoulder to shoulder. “Don’t push me out because you’re mad.”

“I’m not,” Ronan says, hurried and stubborn, his face morphing into something desperate.

“Ronan,” Adam says, but actually means bullshit, and the translation seems to have gone through if the decidedly ceded expression that passes Ronan’s rough but handsome features is anything to go by.

“I hate that I can’t control it, that no matter what I do.”

“This time,” Ronan sours, eyes flickering to their closed door and Adam understands him completely. Understands that Ronan doesn’t care if those poisonous arachnids had bitten him, Ronan never cared. The only thing Ronan cares about when concerning bringing back his uncontrolled dream things is the possibility that they could hurt any number of the three people he loves more than breathing. One, Adam, who sleeps right besides him every night. And the other two— their set of twins— are just right across the hall.

“It could so easily go wrong.”

“It won’t,” Adam says with more steel than even he expected.

“How do you know?” Ronan asks pleadingly. Hesitantly. Imploringly. Like someone would a prophet.

“Ro,” Adam says, quiet and tentative while he runs the pads of his fingers down Ronan’s cheek, tracing the outline of his nose and lips and jaw. Landing on the hollow where Adam could feel his heartbeat, swooping forwards to press another open mouthed kiss to it, revels in the sensation of Ronan carding a hand through his hair, nails lightly scratching Adam’s scalp. “I’m here for you, always. I won’t ever let anything happen to you or the kids, and I know you won’t ever either. Stop worrying, okay.” Another kiss on Ronan’s mouth, arms wrapped around his waste to pull him even closer. “Else you’ll start getting wrinkle lines and I’ll have to find myself a new trophy husband.”

“Pff,” Ronan snorts, rubs a ginger hand down Adam’s naked back. He can feel the cool scrape of the golden wedding band Adam’s got a matching pair too. “If anyone’s the arm candy here it’s totally you.”

“Fuck off.”

“Lynch farms just got another expansion fuck face,” Ronan preens, and Adam loves him like this. Boasting and teasing and always, always so soft whenever he peers down at Adam. “Me and my heard are gonna blow fucking Wisconsin right off the map with our Dairy prowls.”

“Actually I think California’s now the state to beat for title of Dairy capitol,” Adam corrects with a nonchalant shrug.

“What the fuck ever shit head,” Ronan snipes, words full of humor.

“Come back to bed.”

“I shouldn’t,” Ronan frowns, and Adam doesn’t miss the fear, fear that’s only ever directed to himself, that ghosts across his face. He parts his lips to argue and chide at him that he needs to trust himself, but Ronan must’ve seen that coming from a mile ahead because he stops it with another resounding kiss that Adam can feel to his core.

“Had to be up anyways,” Ronan explains amidst heavy breaths that mirror Adam’s own. “Me and Opal were gonna check out that Farmer’s Market back in Henrietta and Declan wanted to join.”

“Fine,” Adam gripes, follows him out the bedroom to help collect the things he’ll be needing partially because he’s too riled up to go back to bed now, but mostly because he knows that if he leaves now Ronan won’t be back until late afternoon. He always misses him so achingly during these long trips away from their home.

God does Adam love that, the idea that he’s got this. He’s got a home that he gets to share with the man he loves more than any other and his two kids that he would willingly lay down his life for. Sometimes he has to stop and just take it all in, climb out of the memories of crying on the steps of the trailer wondering if anything was worth existing in that plane, and thinking that the kid he was finally found that worth.

Adam passes Ronan a thermos of coffee for him and an herbal tea for Opal, sends him off with one final peck of farewell.

“You should welcome me home with a martini,” Ronan goads, grin gone sharp and slightly feral. “Put on a slutty genie outfit?”

Adam pinches his forearm, hard.

“I will never play out some kinda I Dream of Jeannie tableau for you dickwad, get over it.”

“You can’t blame a man for trying,” Ronan shrugs, goes off to kiss the tops of the kids’ sleeping heads and one more for Adam before he has to finally head out to the BMW.

Sometimes Adam forgets that these long days apart are just as hard for him.

“Is it Daddy’s birthday?” Livvy asks, hiked brow and pinched lipped.

“No,” says Adam while pulling out spare mixing bowls from the cupboard— a miracle that he even knows where they are if he’s being at all honest considering that the kitchen is Ronan’s realm of expertise and all Adam’s good for is washing dishes and occasionally toasting bread.

“Are you graduating again?” Gage— a near spitting image of his sister, with all their trappings of dark hair and intense eyes and thin lips, asks with owlish eyes.

“Not that either.”

“Then why on God’s green earth are we baking cupcakes?”

Jesus fucking Christ do these kids have some mouths on them. Adam would like to blame it totally on Ronan’s frame of mind that unfiltered speech is the only way he’d speak around his kids, everything else is disingenuous. But also Adam knows that ever since they had first brought them home, ten months old and just barely crawling, that they’ve gotten just as much of his cynical outlook than what Adam would’ve liked.

“Because squirt,” Adam pulls out his phone to search for a decently simple recipe he both had the ingredients on hand to bake, and one that wouldn’t turn out a utter mess. “Daddy woke up a bit sad this morning and I thought that if we made him this, it would show we were thinking bout him and he wouldn’t be so sad anymore.”

The twins look suitably cowed at that, both pairs of eyes going pleading and chorusing a thousand questions on whether Ronan’s okay and when he’ll be coming home and how they could help.

“He’s fine kiddos, just was gonna miss you guys when he went out with Opal and Uncle Declan today. But he’ll be home any minute so I wanna make sure this is done by then, kay?”

Gage nods with grave certainty, wielding a whisk like a weapon of war, but Livvy still looks a bit unsure.

“Aunt Blue says that your cooking should be considered a weapon of mass destruction.”

“Like a nuke!” Gage tacks on helpfully.

“Or mustard gas.”

“Ooo! Or like—“

“Neither of you are ever allowed to say the names of weapons out loud again! Not ever! Adam scolds with no actual heat.

“Hey, but what about,” Gage points to Chainsaw, who’s perching atop the refrigerator watching them.

“Not my problem.”

They both role their eyes but don’t press the point.

“Papa are you sure you can do this?”

“It’s baking Liv, not cooking a full course meal.” He says, only slightly indignant.

“Ms Gomez says that science is just like baking and that’s why it’s way harder than just normal cooking.”

Adam’s expression goes flat.

“You get to crack the eggs!”

“Oh yay!” Livvy crows and Gage howls with the unfairness of it all.

An hour and a half later finds their white marble top island of their spacious kitchen splattered with batter and oil and substances Adam isn’t sure he recognizes. There’s a tray of a dozen cupcakes in the oven but Adam isn’t quite sure that they’re meant to be staying flat, refusing to rise even once the halfway mark passes.

“Aunt Blue’s always right,” Livvy says sagely.

“Oh joy,” he mutters as the kids dash off to the front parlor, leaping into Ronan’s arms, batter splattered hands and all.

“Mother of God Parrish,” he bellows, obviously in a better mood than this morning. “What are these changelings doing here and where are our actual kids?”

Adam can’t help the way his mouth dips down into a small, delighted grin, his heart doing palpitations at the sight of the three people he loves more than anything all together in one spot.

“No Daddy!” Livvy squawks. “It’s us!”

“We were making you cupcakes because we thought you were sad and we hate it when you’re sad and we love you and Papa is really bad at anything in the kitchen but he tried.”

“Thanks Gage,” Adam ruffles a hand in his hair, tugs softly on Livvy’s pigtail before kissing Ronan hello.”

“You taste like sugar.”

“I’ll take it as a compliment.”

Ronan’s answering laugh is something splendid.

“You guys didn’t have to go through the trouble.”

“We love you Daddy,” Livvy argues, kissing the back of his hand and making Ronan’s expression go gentle in the way it only ever does for them.

“Thanks princess, love you more though.”

Livvy sticks out her tongue, contentious.

“Look I’m sure your Pops has made the kitchen a living nightmare,” Ronan says, and Adam pulls a face at him, affronted. “So what about we go out to grab something sweet from Nothing But Buns?”

They chorus excited words of affirmation and Adam refuses to let Ronan in the kitchen till it’s cleaned up.

“Fuck, it looks like World War III or some shit in there, doesn’t it”

“One more crack at my cooking resembling a war zone and I swear I’m filing for a divorce,” Adam threatens.

Ronan just laughs and something deep in Adam’s chest blooms, pleased that at the very least the cupcakes had their intended effect.

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