#he looks so fucking tired and Done

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Killua and the Power of Wishes

Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.

As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.

One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.

Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.

Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.

Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.

To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.

I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.

Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.

What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.

[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]

This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.

When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.

Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.

[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]

It's such an innocent, simple want.

And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.

In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:

Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."

Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)

Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."

And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!

So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.

10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.

Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.

It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.

Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).

"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"

The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.

Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?

Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]

Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.

And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.

This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.

It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.

[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]

I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.

However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.

Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.

[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]

I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.

But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.

Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]

Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?

Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.

[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]

Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".

I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.

...holy shit, kid.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]

And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(

What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.

In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.

Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]

Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.

Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.

They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:

As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course

Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo

I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.

Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.

The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.

So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.

Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.

It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.

Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.

Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]

Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.

Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.

Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.

And Alluka tears into him for it.

[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]

You tell him, girl.

Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?

"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.

Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.

And neither should Killua.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]

It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.

Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.

And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]

...she doesn't even have to think about it.

I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.

#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened 😭 #ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl #but i'm so tired lmao #anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck #killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever #this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them #nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world #ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week #hunter x hunter #hxh #hxh meta #killua zoldyck #call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective. #storyrambles #also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh #he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've #done the same lmaoooo #it's very sweet though :') #argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.

[jhirowolf]

Being a Marvel fan is so difficult because everytime i wanna look through a character tag it's just their MCU versions whitch are just NOT the characters i am here fory they're a bastardization of them. And i can't even escape it in the tags that have "comics" in the name because people can't fucking tag so it floods those tags too.

#marvel #marvel comics #anti mcu #this is mainly about the Netflix characters #and Moon Knight #also Ms. Marvel #and Kate Bishop #like sorry but that's not why i am here #it's on sight with the creators of Moon Knight #and no hate to Oscar Isaac he's done a good job #but GOD am i tired of seeing his face #it's either that or the tags being so focused on shipping #and i do enjoy shipping #but fucking hell do i just wanna look at cool art of the character or hear headcannons about THEM #not how they are in a relationship

[stardust-vi]

Dumb ramble but I hate that you can't critique The Thing you love within a fandom space without some dude breathing down your neck like "Well actually that means you hate The Author and The Thing! And what about all the times The Author did this Good Thing? Checkmate, liberal." as if you can't be critical of something because you love it and want it to be better.

#just. i'm in a rush rn so i'm probably not articulating myself well and i could go more in-depth with my thoughts #at the risk of someone spinning my words into “cringe blue hair pronoun wants to cancel araki!” which... will happen inevitably #even though i don't know how many times i can repeat “i do not hate araki #this is specifcally about jjba btw because like. #look i love it and araki has done some good things (or at least had good intentions in most cases) #but i'm so over the fact he constantly has to reach for some form of traumatizing women in his writing #and I already hear “well it shows they're a villain!” #but does he HAVE to use assault? why does he have to use that instead of demonstrating their villainy in other ways #that don't need to use it as a crutch #i'm not even saying you can't ever write about assault #that's not my argument either. #I'm not even accusing him of being a bad writer or person but just. Can we please retire the overusage of assault for shock value? #i obviously don't hate people who enjoy the series regardless #i'd be a massive fucking hypocrite #i mean i've literally been in this damn fandom for 6 years and just now decided to post my art. #but i'm tired of any time someone brings up legit criticisms of the misogyny in his writing #it's met with “but araki did this-” like it changes anything. #i'm glad he did somewhat improve writing women over time compared to the earlier parts #that said. that doesn't cancel out the blunders he did make or will make in the future #even if he has good intent. #or really any criticism of the writing being hit with “but its not supposed to make sense #anyways rant over. probably going to delete later bc im tired. #tw assault #assault tw

[hanakihan]

jinchul, being a literal reincarnation of a god: what a fucking loser he was to get murdered by his own creations

#it’s just fucking funny he def would be so done with shit AB done #it’s like looking at past incarnation and be like ‘damn bitch you live like that’ #jinchul trolling to hell and back over AB’s shit life decisions #ashborn is kinda offended but also ‘ngl he has a point’ #tired jinchul saying he wants to destroy the earth and people legit can’t say if he’s joking or no #jinchul is AB if AB seriously invested into intellect #‘only I can insult a god because I am said god and I have that low self esteem’ - jinchul probably

[devotedlystrangewizard]

totk really is one of those games that make me go "ok thanks for the characters, setting, and general plot, but ill take it from here <3" because the entire historical timeline had so much potential for interesting and nuanced story telling but they just went with the old zelda story formula and YES thats how theyve always done it but botw was such a reset in terms of gameplay that they couldve overhauled how they handle story in totk. but they didnt

#ramblings #all the races swearing fealty to rauru made me so uncomfortable #like yeahhh ganondorf evil or whatever but also. hey. why is the one leader fighting for the independence of his people. the evil villain #am i just not getting something here am i insane #my first thought when i heard about ganondorf returning was 'wow they could turn him into an actual character' AND THEN THEY DIDNT #its been half a year i feel like the honeymoon period is over. totk was kinda mid. im sorry #it was alright but it just. didnt grab me. at all #botw was interesting because it was new but totk made me yearn for the older zelda formula #though tbh. im always yearning for the older zelda formula. i grew up on oot & twilight princess #you hype up ganondorf so much you make him look like THAT (no im still not over this) and then you just. do what weve always done #this happened in twilight princess. it happened in oot. it happened in ww. hell if you count demise it happened in skyward sword #IT HAPPENE.D IN THE FUCKING HYRULD WARRIORS SPINOFF #'oooh noooo the great evil has returned' WEVE BEEN HERE EVERY TIME. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH POTENTIAL #heres the gerudo having a man born and making him king as is their custom but they spend years in fear that he will be monstrous #here they are after all these iterations of ganondorf afraid to even have kids out of fear that SOMEONE will bring the new great evil #heres a child recently given the throne despite being barely more than a baby always treated with fear by everyone around him #ARE YOU SEEING MY VISION???? #the curse is right there. do something with it. oh my god #i KNOW zelda games are just simple heros journeys but pleaseeee i need food #you dont have to make ganondorf nice just. do something with him im so tired of the evil guy caricature #i like guys who are plain evil but i like them more when they have some fucked up motivation beyond taking over the world

[magiefish]

THEY DID THE METACRISIS AGAIN.

AND THIS TIME HE'S NOT EVEN SAFELY CONTAINED IN HIS OWN UNIVERSE!

AND THEY MADE THE FIRST BLACK DOCTOR PLAY SECOND FIDDLE TO A WHITE ONE AND

OH MY GOD TAKE THAT BOYS TARDIS AWAY FROM HIM GODDAMIT I WANT TO WATCH HIM

DIE

#tragedy enjoyers we are *not* winning #maybe its the oversaturation of david tennant in the media #maybe its his unjustified return to doctor who #maybe its just because im sick of the fandom obssession with 10 to the neglect of all other doctors #or maybe its just because i hate obvious nostalgia bate and the bcc's obvious cowardice retreating back to rtd rather than try something new #but man i was looking forward to watching 14 kick it only to be ROBBED #tbc i dont have anything against tennant personally im just tired of seeing him everywhere #like does he sleep? does he eat? does he spend time with his family? idk #also really disappointed that they made Ncuti play second-fiddle to an old white doctor. like cmon thats so cowardly. fuck you. #and i wouldnt hate the whole '14 stays on earth with donna' thing IF THEY HADNT DONE THAT BEFORE WITH ROSE #AND IF THEY HAD CLARIFIED THEY HE CANT REGENERATE #AND TAKEN THE TARDIS AWAY #AND ACTUALLY EXPLAINED WHY THE FACE CAME BACK LIKE GIRL THE TRAUMA RECOURSE WAS RIGHT THERE #It's just. its always fucking tennant that gets the special treatment isnt it? every other doctor has to cease #but he gets out of jail free #(also if it was about finding family again and taking a break. Susan Is Literally Chilling One Century Away) #on the positive side i did like the toymaker. he was severely wasted but i liked him he was fun #i really enjoyed the dance sequence it served like no purpose but it was a lot of fun #also the soundtrack. i like ominous 'la la la la' noise. they better release it soon. #anyway rant over #doctor who

[cloud-somersault]

constellations chapter 3 is SO GOOD idk what the fuck happened there, but go OFF!!!

#i know everyone's in chapter 4 land but 3 is SOO GOOD #bro the stone forest alone....HELP #ugh it was so hard writing wukong's rage form but HOLY SHIT!! reading it after is so hype #do u ever just sit in a pavilion as the rain gently falls...with your ex-husband and mentee....and it's quiet and peaceful but #there's a strong turbulence going on deep inside you :3 #the way wukong always dusts MK off and wipes his tears away and makes sure he's clean faced and ready to go #speaks to how much wukong cares about vanity #i mean he also is expressing comfort and compassion but. he also cares about appearances a lot #but anyway -- do you also ever have a conversation with your ex-husband through eye contact alone? #i think they've done that four times in this fic... #mk the entire journey: every day i get a little more homophobic #HE'S SO TIRED!!!! #MK after talking to wukong and macaque at the inn: yeah haha! i seriously wanna go home now! 🙃 #MK on the phone: DADSY /PLEASE/ COME PICK ME UP!!!! #macaque seeing Wukong's eyes for the first time and actually stopping everything that he was doing #and just looking at wukong and being like “haha...heeyyy what the fuck?? did they do to you??” chef's kiss #wukong and macaque just talking while macaque captures that random man's shadow...please #as they reminisce about how things used to be...how easily they talk to each other when they're not guided by hate #that's the thing it's how easily they fall into step with one another #that's shadowpeach. they'll be off balance or one will be running and the other walking. they'll get distracted or whatever. but #they'll always fall back into step with one another #and that's why they've got to walk with each other. step by step...so they can stop being afraid 😌

[rubiesintherough]

.

#(( ooc. )) #venting tw #negativity tw #i know ive been bitching about this a lot lately but just let a girl vent pls #husband just got home and said 'you look tired you should go lie down ' #and i told him i cant. i have too much housework to do. 'well lay down after that ' #cant. because then i have more housework after that. #and he got all huffy at me like i was being dramatic #and he said 'how am i supposed to snuggle up with you if you arent laying down? c #and i shot back ' who's going to do the housework if i dont ' #and he rolled his eyes. straight up rolled his eyes. #this is the man that is constantly telling me to just ask him for more help. just make a list #yelled at me and stormed out of the house whej i told him to pls just use his eyes #bc i dont have time to make him a list of chores #and also the man who if i do ask him to do smth it doesnt get done #examples just from today. he was heading into town and i asked him to please bring the recycling with him. he didnt. #he yells at me for doing the cat litter bc its bad for my asthma. but then leaves it until its bad enough i have to do it #bc its unfair to the cats to expect them to use a litter box that bad. and then he gets mad at me for not just asking him to do it #like. its in the bathroom. right next to the toilet. he has to look at it when hes taking a shit every day. and youre telling me #he doesnt notice it? i have to remind him??? #and then i get yelled at and reprimanded for just doing it myself #' ASK FOR HELP DAMMIT! ' #i do. i do all the fucking time. i ask you to empty the garbage bc bending over makes my back scream. but you dont #and i have to power through and do it. #i ask you to bring the recycling into town to drop off. and as soon as you leave i find out you didnt even gather it up. #i ask you to please clear out the bathtub drain. for two weeks. and you brush it off until the day i decide to #do it myself and you get so passive aggressive about it and ' no ILL DO IT. the tool is back in my mom's room #guess I'll just go WAKE HER UP FROM HER NAP so i can grab it since you need it done! ' #im so tired of asking and then just being disappointed anyway. #if im gonna get yelled at anyway id rather just do it all myself so at least its done. and not sit there and beg for help and do it anyway

[waywardsalt]

ive spent like 20 minutes trying to world this eloquently but i give up; im a big fan of linebeck just. not being capable of watching over kids not the person to be the guardian of a group of young people he struggles to take care of himself at times and has so much shit going on that it takes about one conversation with oshus for the old man to realize that this guy is. not doing great

#this was gonna be like. a jokey post at first juxtaposing oshus’ expectations vs reality with linebeck but im too emotionally drained #so real linebeck talk in the tags bc idk if ive actually talked much abt like. the specific as on why. iwrite and see him the way i do #likr. off the bat i put him at like 19 in ph and im too fucking tired and just. done rn to justify that like whatever kill me if you wish. #like. hes. been throught a lit hes been abused neglected used ignored hurt ridiculed violated deceived hes so fucking tired #hes worn down over the course of ph it causes him to finally like. express his anguish over what hes been theough its cathartic #hes getting pushed but talking to oshus and being around link loosens him up and he fucking. cries properly yknow #he cries about everything and the last bit of ph hes kind of an emotional wreck but hes finally letting himself feel all that shit #he cries he struggles to articulate himself he has a violent public meltdown as he becomes fed up with his reputation #and it all culminates in bellumbeck just. being a really raw examination of what hes been through and how he feels and what to do now #he hates people he has people he wants to kill people he wanted to kill but after bellumbeck its just. hes tired. hes processed everythjng #and then he needs the post ph crew and everyone they meet along the way to just. be a fucking support system for the first time ever #like post ph hes rhe captain he runs the ship he keeps everyone in line he can do that. but hes softer more vulnerable more self doubting #hes kinder and more hesitant but trying new things and being more openly passionate abt his interests #and he keeps working through his trauma he finds out what else it causes problems for and everyone. supports him #hes not capable of like. being any kind of parental figure to link in ph his perspective on like. how to handle kids is fucked #because his perspective on what a normal childhood should look like is kind of a mess #his perspective on relationships is murky on love on adventure on self expression but post ph hes just. free. tired but free #he manages to take naps the group helps him eat properly he learns his physical boundaries and actually does what he loves #idk. im just. man idk. its still measy but like. my version of linebeck is. i really hate the idea that its so out of character its not him #like. idfk what to even say abt that. idfk what ‘in character’ looks like when you hc a character to be masking in canon #when you hc them to be lying and covering things up and just. subdued bc theyre working on stuff #that they lie and exaggerate their own traits on purpose but let the truth through some cracks like what rhe fuck then #i hate it bc i dont see anyone else think of linebeck anything like this so im scared im fucking wrong somehow #im tired. i recently learned that one of my cats has been burrowing under and chilling under a blanket we cover a couch with #its very cute

[boygirlctommy]

no way you guys can guess what clip im animating right now

#my post #iamso tired rn though i think im done for now #i did. all the lines. and the bgs. #i did like maybe half of fundy throughout it and i havent started coloring jack #ough and then i need to do some tweening.. and maybe some lighting idk i might just fuck around with different layers #anyways :] this is fun #ive been watching a lot of videos by professional storyboard artists and wanted to try some different stuff out n like #do some more of just people talking to eachother #so of course i go to yt search and look up iconic dsmp moment compilations #also ignore that fundys not wearing pants <3 hes a cartoon animal he does not need them #also also i randomly went w jack manibot for this. bcus i was like 'hehe hes buffering or something instead of just being afk'

[skhardwarevers1]

that feeling when you want to post a rant/vent but it just feels like another attempt to get attention <<<<<<<<<(x one million)

#Oh wow and would you look at that this in itself is just another way for me to get fucking attention #For being a sensitive little whiny bitch who can’t take a fucking joke #I’m just so fucking tired of this shit #I wannna say I don’t give a fuck what my dad has to say abt my life kr jokes he makes #But obviously that’s a fucking lie since I just spent half an hour violently sobbing in the shower #Todays not my day guys #I need to sleep for seventeen fucking years straight #Better than that just forever atp I’m so done with this shit #I just feel like everyone I know fucking hates me including myself #Like I fuck up one time and suddenly I’m not even trustworthy enough for you to trust that I fucking went to xtra help for a half hour #Like omfg just kill me already. I hate this shit. #And I know he was probably joking but like it still fucking hurts yknow? #And now I can’t leave my room cuz I look like a fucking mess and you can tell I’ve been crying #I’m actually ready to fucking just give up on all this shit #I’ve been trying so fucking hard to try to improve. I’m doing what you fucking asked me to like omfggggg #I dunno I just feel like shit I’ll be fine #Just me being a sensitive bitch again. Literally that’s all it ever is #Tbh if I never fucking dated my first partnrr I wouldn’t fucking be like thid #I fucking hate everything #Kill me #Whatever. This shit fucking sucks #Vent

[weskinz]

maybe if i go back on antidepressants ill ask for wellbutrin

#p #like yes i am pretty depressed rn but i dont feel like killing myself like i did when i was on viibryd #no genetic altercations my ass i was on that shit for years and just now looking back at my messages and notes no wonder i was scaring ppl #i was so anxious one time i had to sit in my brothers room so i knew he wasnt going to die suddenly #and i was so so so scared but it was like there was a mental block where it couldnt become a panic attack jst paranoia #but i was one degree from it. just imagining what i did to him happening to me scared me to death and i had to reassure myself #my mom asked me abt it the other day like 'hmmm. wouldve been nice to let me know you werent on it anymore. seems like a thing your mother- #'-should know.' and like yes since im still completely dependent on her in all aspects but man #i didnt want to explain i had no interest in seeing lisa anymore and i was just done. i was so tired of my lows being so fucking low #and not even noticing they were so bad yknow #do i even know how to be honest anymore. no i dont think of killing myself but i dont see a future for myself either #i have no goals no motivation no nothing #its selfish to want to die but its like that mytoecold dude video where hes like 'if i spilled milk and then killed myself technically- #'-the problem would be gone' like yeah. that is true. how do i get that out of my belief system #he was a raging addict btw i just saw that video. crazy and sad but i guess when you are dealt a bad hand you see eye to eye

[woundedheartwithin]

It’s amazing how I am a nervous, timid wreck having to make phone calls until I hit peak efficacy of my adhd meds and then I can fucking do anything. Like this medication has actually turned me into a functioning adult and I still can’t fucking believe it

#she speaks #like I took it late today cuz I got up late so I’m functional a little later today #but like I just had to call five different pharmacies trying to chase down the generic vyvanse #and I wasn’t nervous once #like that’s not a thing that happens to me I’m always fucking nervous #EXCEPT NOT NOW CUZ IM PROPERLY MEDICATED #I could NEVER have made five phone calls in a row before I’m not even kidding #I would’ve gotten my dad to call because I’m scared and he humors me lol #but no I did it and I’m still just like eh had to be done wasn’t a big deal #and I’m absolutely marveling at that #like I don’t even feel tired after all that #and two of the pharmacies had rude ass techs answering the phone #one was SO SWEET tho #she goes I can look and see if any pharmacies around here have availability so you don’t have to keep making calls #and I was like OMG IF YOU CAN DO THAT I WOULD BE SO GRATEFUL #and she was just like of course and I’m sitting there thinking why the FUCK didn’t any of the others offer that??? #like not even my own primary pharmacy offered that #anyway she gave me the number and I went #as earnestly as I possibly could #thank you SO much #and she was so taken aback she jus kinda paused and then went of course! it was my pleasure to help! #like no girl you just saved me a whole bunch of leg work I am indebted to you fr

[devil-changmin]

again, in tags, and dec 18 tw

#i know ppl sensationalize 'let me out' way more than 'elevator' because its much more on the nose #even in the title #and like it has 2x as many listens on spotify so i know ppl are just listening to it cuz theyre like oh what is this #but bro #if depression is part of ur life experience and u listen to elevator #its like #shit #and like ive had depression for so long and it was untreated for SO long that i think it rly rly hits in my personal experience #and like jonghyun was so honest with his emotions and he felt everything so strongly #and i think a moment like let me out is much more like #thats when youre angry and fed up with yourself and with everything and you just want to be DONE youre just tired and youre like fucking le #take a break from this #but elevator is so poignant because it feels so much like the bottom of the well #like when you dont really feel anything #youre on your back in a dark whole staring at the pinprick of the sky #to the point that he's even detached from the self #he is seeing his reflection as if it is someone else #and saying how long have you been that tired? how long have you been that sad? #and to look at yourself and say 'i don't know you' but also 'you know you cant go on like this anymore right? #like bro #i wish i could verbalize like how insanely like #i mean hes an artist he encapsulated the thought in a very poignant and concise way #its just so insane to think how many people listened to those words and were still surprised by what happened #idk #anyway #i miss him

[bloggirl8842]

Being me is so embarrassing like wahhh I’m Niku I’ve had a crush on the same guy for years I’m a painter I don’t believe in myself my dad’s an asshole wahhh girl pleaseee get something else going on 😭

#my dad IS an asshole we were lookinng at my blood test results and my hemoglobin n shit is low bc of anemia and he remarked that my cells #are physically smaller than theyre supposed to be and i went ‘’oh that must be why i feel sick all the time’’ and he goes ‘’you dont feel #sick ALL the TIME.’’ and my moms like yea she feels tired and weak and i go yes and i also get nauseous and he goes you get nauseous ALL th #TIME? and im like no i get nauseous often. why do i have to justify this to you youve SEEN ME feeling ill #and hes looking at my test tesults on my phone so when hes done i snatch it out of his hand and leave and he whines to my mom and #exaggerates the way i took it back. fucking sick of him #i genuinely dont have much affection for him he thinks hes better than all of us. characterizes my brother as a hustler and my mom & i as #disappointments #im just going to not talk about anything i genuinely care about or invested in around him bc since childhood he has shown over and over tha #the only viewpoint he cares about is his own. and its my fault that i keep trying to fucking connect with such a brick wall of a man #today though i showed him an in progress painting and asked him if he liked it and he said he wouldnt know til it was done.. i DO support #that he was right for that. i cant ask for ppl to like my shit b4 its finished bc then ill never finish it!

[hopefulyellowlamp]

it really hurts to see the people i trusted and loved more than anything in the world just move on from me as if they never knew me

#lamp vents #aka my exfriend posted on tiktok and i havent unfollowed them yet... #and im still not over how he just... cut me out of his life with no warning #he was like 'yeah i get that youre autistic and has a panic disorder and a severe depression. but also all your symptons for these are unac #ceptable and i hate u' and not only cut me out of his life but also turned several other of my friends against me #like i cant get over the fact that they used moments where i was in distress and having panic attacks or severe sensory overload against me #as if i would have sensory overloads and panic attacks just to manipulate them or make THEM feel bad #jeez im sorry i didnt realize im not allowed to have emotions #i know i snap when im overwhelmed which is why i usually always would deafen/leave call on discord immediately and try to jreathe or calm #and somehow theyd still turn it to be avout them #i was trying my damnedest to be the best friend but jesus christ man they expected me to do SO MUCH when i had two panic disorders and so m #uch mental health issues #most of which i tried to explain to them... they were all neuro spicy ot mentally ill too so i thought theyd understand #i thought theyd at least not think the worst of me when all ive ever done is look up to them #the worst feeling ever is having someone i looked up to and wantef to be like so much it fucking hurt #say everything they hated about me after 4 or so years of friendship where i trusted them enough to tell them anything #it still makes me doubt myself #anytime someone writes to me about how we need to talk i immediately expect loads of pent up anger at me #i always expect my friends to finally be done with my bullshit and tell me theyre tired of me #ive always had doubts about wether or not im a good enough friend or not but lately its just been so much worse #and i keep getting so angry and frustrated because i still miss them and i still wanna try and make it up to them #even tho theyve made it clear they already made up their mind about me being the bad guy #i just feel so helpless and alone #i used to be able to go to him about all my problems but i guess he really saw that as bothersome... i did so much for him and for what #i spent so much time with him and i knew his parents and i knew his pets and i knew his routines #we CUDDLED while sleeping in the same bed multiple times we took naps together and i #i showed him my favourite childhood game #and he bottled up all his emotions until they spilled into hatred for me #for what? for nlthing. and then he teams up with another friend WHICH I INTRODUVED HIM TO #he fucking replaced me after all those nights of quick typing and crying and reassuring him that i loved him and would never replace him