#how to help suicidal friend

[dayurno]

most touching bit that has been going on recently is people including kevjean when they say there are ship wars being fought on jean's holy name as if kevjean is ever even remotely comparable to jerejean (famous) and jeanee (canon)..... there are five kevjean fans and two are me. i dont think we can compete let alone compare but i love the enthusiasm

#LIKE I GET IT. BUT I WISH #my friends my acolytes my sisters and my cousins how i wish. how i wish! #its seriously touching its like having your bumfuck ass small town shout out @ the international news #but unless kevjean is secretly super famous in an underground aftg fight club then we are truly doomed #realistically what do we have. jean's suicide and the 2 in his jersey #thats all #these whores dont even talk. kevin hasnt answered jeans texts in a year #its moreover (moreau + over like joever) and we know its moreover. but i love getting included so thank you #even if kevin is indeed jeans bi awakening its literally crumbs girl its crumbs #i mean i guess you never forget your first love BUT STILL. you understand that its moreover #let renee and jeremy duke this one out kevin has done his time he was cute and pretty when it mattered and now he gets to gracefully exit #also to be honest lowkey kevin doesnt even want jean which hurts me personally but anything for my princess.... #im showing him picture after picture of jean holding puppies and helping old ladies cross the street and kevins asking me where andrew at #hes looking the other way hes checking his nails hes whistling #lalalalalaing even #txt #kevjean

[silenthillbunni]

lately i've been finding it so so hard to be positive and hopeful. and it's making me so bitter and hateful. i hate it but i dont know what to do about it

#idk it's just all too much to deal w #i have sm pains and physical discomforts. money issues. stress bc my avpd is making school very hard for me to finish #i have suicidal thoughts and really bad anxiety every single day. i've basically begged the mental health care system for help for 7 months #like i've kept contacting them and asking them but they havent done anything at all for me. i dont even get to see anyone and talk #i just dont know what to do or how to handle it #im so stressed abt the future. i have to finish school but then choose smth so i can go to school/get a degree & get a job #im holding my mom down and back and i need to find a way to kove out from her and support myself #i have no friends to meet or hangout with and destress with etc etc and im really feeling the lack of it #idk the list just goes on and on and on #nothing is working and idk how to fix it. but also i know that me and only me have to find a way bc there is no help #i struggle bc of my avpd and mental health but there is no treatment for me to get. they just dont wanna give me *any* help at all #im just so frustrated. and every day is the same. everyday is full of some physical pain anxiety stress worries suicidal thoughts etc etc #i cant break free idk how!!!! my life is so fkn boring and pathetic and miserable #i never get to relax bc all of a sudden last year i got extremely noise sensitive. and it's never quiet anywhere in this city #anyway yeah i could just keep going. and like now im feeling anxious bc my tooth is aching :(( #it -everything- never stops or lets up or relents. and it makes me wanna die even more. #so... idk im just incapable of being hopeful abt anything and that's really killing me idk

[uniquezombiedestiny]

I'd like to know why you are all alone while I'm lost at sea /

Maybe we'll be there when you want

#bella #fc!bella #lc ocs #art #this is from reinhardt's (branch-wdk53) pov! you cant escape him in my art. i cant escape him #link leads to stranded lullaby - the lyrics are also from there :3 #this is around rein's fears about bella being like ryn but is also about the extraction interaction (still love that name) #honestly every piece of this has. so many meanings like. god #let me just redo all this and go through them one by one lmao #the sea: this one's about them being in the same situation. also their issues (the sea will slowly rise; obscuring and drowning them) #it's also about guilt - it can be a blood ocean! the blood of those they let die... #OOOH I JUST NOTICED THIS: bloodbath! since it's a blood sea :3 #the halos: the inner one is halfway just for composition half bc rein sees bella as a good person. the outer (hard to see but) tear-shaped #halo is both a drop in the sea (me when the blood sea! when we've let so many die it no longer matters.) and a noose's opening - #like foos's but metaphorically(? lmao) bella's own suicide by distancing herself from her friends and therefore her help/support system #the black spots: represents rein losing her in a way. he knows what's happening but has no idea how to help. also tied in with his #amnesia/memory loss (totally covered; lost info; yknow). could even be from pain or drowning in the sea! who knows! :3c #...........yeah im normal about these two. you can trust me. #i need to make a bella/ritz piece istg... ive been sleeping on them!!!!!!!! #but. i love these two so much. total of 2 interactions and i made the MOST out of them <3 #also since im naming all these now since i gotta save them to post em: this one is called lost

[idleorbitals]

(ray) thoughts from of ep 4

goddamn this ep came out swinging. I think however I take this it's just going to be a ray breakdown so let's just have a little ray breakdown

we get so much characterization in that first scene and oh boy is it painful. ray in an empty bathtub in flashback, calling mew in the middle of what looks very much like an intentional od. except he's not quite there; this is desperate cry for help territory. he reaches out to mew and tells him explicitly where he is and implicitly what he is doing; he either hasn't taken anything yet or hasn't taken enough to be in physical danger.

(khaotung's fucking acting in this scene. jesus christ.)

the ray mew dynamic is suddenly entirely heartbreaking because we can see that ray has attached himself to mew in a way that mew doesn't reciprocate, not even to touch romantic feelings. when mew picks up ray's call he hears him sloppy and emotional and is immediately exasperated and pushing him away (are you drunk again? I'm not picking you up this time. you're talking nonsense)

when he realizes what's going on mew runs to the rescue because he does care about ray, and wants him safe. but it's clear that mew does not want to be ray's emergency contact here. he's going to do what he can to help out someone he loves, but he has a solid self-preservation drive and he is going to stick to his guns the same way we've seen him do with top so far. for the next two years ray will continue to cling to mew like a lifeline and mew will continue to push ray away as much as he thinks he can handle it.

a strength of this show is that it doesn't shy away from showing the reality and the nuance of this kind of situation. this dynamic plays out in emotionally abusive relationships on the regular and I've watched it close up and it rocks me in fiction not in the indulgently angsty way I love but in a pit-in-my-stomach way.

ray is putting mew in the impossible place of being his only reason to stay alive. this is heavyweight manipulative behavior, even though it's coming from a place of desperate pain and grief. maybe ray is repeating a pattern he learned young; maybe he's come here in the throes of his own self-destruction. whether intentionally or not, he's picked someone relatively invulnerable to this tactic, and so he only feels lonelier and more broken as it plays out. ray is looking for a savior in mew that mew refuses to be.

this dynamic gets an echo in the scene where ray kisses mew without consent. goddamn the narrative framing on this is well done. ray gets told off, both directly by mew and metatextually. he will return later to apologize earnestly for his behavior.

ray screws up over and over with mew. and we still hurt for him, because mew has the self-worth to stand up for himself, while ray loses no opportunity to add evidence to his reasons-I-am-a-terrible-person file.

meanwhile sand. we have seen already that the only thing standing between him and taking the psychic damage ray is dealing out everywhere is his quickly crumbling boundaries. he's stuck them so far, but only nominally. every time ray applies the na? na? he folds so fast it hurts to watch.

three minutes exactly post the above screenshots it has become a joke we share with the camera, in which ray says "hey, I saw a record store nearby. will you go there with me?" and we cut from one singular na directly to a closeup shot of sand's hands as he flips through a stack of records.

this scene also gives us ray trying to recreate the banter they had in their early interactions, in which sand threw insults at him and ray gave him bedroom eyes in response. ray names some insults sand has used in past and asks to be yelled at as punishment for bailing on him to pick mew up and without the na of doom sand just stares at him and thinks about what he's done.

sand doesn't want to throw insults at ray. sand is grasping at least one piece of ray's mo. he looks at ray and sees the lonely sadboi underneath, and he wants to save him.

unfortunately for sand but potentially fortunately for their long term prospects, as of yet ray is not looking to him for a savior the way he has with mew.

the end of this episode brings us back to ray's bathtub. the first time we were here ray was not using it as a bathtub. not to put too fine a point on it, but with no water in it, a bathtub shares some notable characteristics with a coffin.

this time, there is water in the bathtub and ray, again, and a glass of liquor, again, but no pills. this time, there is also no fully clothed mew to offer contrast to the physically and metaphorically naked ray. (mew, as it happens, is busy being physically and metaphorically naked in top's shower)

this time, ray is alone. but he's closing his fist significantly around the keychain that represents his relationship with mew, and looking significantly over at the poor boy shirt that represents his relationship with sand. the levels of analogy the of production team have wrung out of that singular t-shirt deserves an award

now we cut from the t-shirt Directly back to the record store, to sand saying "just give it a try. I think you might like it", which is definitely about the music and not a metaphor for anything, and putting headphones onto a ray who is gazing back at him like so:

as tender gentle acoustic music fills in raysand exchange longing glances and sand mouths /do you like it?/ and then has to ask again aloud, and ray affirms, and then has to take his headphones off to say it again more explicitly. no metaphors here, folks. we're talking about the song, and the song only.

then they tenderly and gently begin to take each other's hands.

I think I remember this scene from the lion king

so what's next? unfortunately we are only 1/3 of the way through this series, which means that raysand are still far away from any happy ending they may or may not be allowed. this episode suggests a possible bookend to ray's pining after mew, but those feelings don't change overnight, and sand is still forebodingly in the dark about them. also big question marks around ray's ability to approach reciprocal love in less toxic ways. also various addictions in play here. this could go wrong in so many ways I can't even guess the most likely! but boy am I along for the ride

(all ofts reflections)

#ofts #only friends the series #ofts meta #raysand #sandray #firstkhaotung #how we feeling #this helped me recover honestly #suddenly I am ready for next week again in a way that this morning after I watched I was lying in bed staring into the middle distance #might write more at some point bc I have top thoughts and nick thoughts and many more #but this feels more manageable than last week's reflection lmao #self harm / suicide cw////

[autistic-katara]

there r fics that make u insane (so amazingly good it’s removed ur sanity) and then there’s fics that make u insane (you need to fistfight the author for how they did a specific thing that caused u to rant for hours)

#i know i just posted that other thing but ffs that is NOT how u handle someone in that situation everyone involved made everything 10x worse #yet it’s being treated like the right thing to do (which again ofc they’re cops they don’t understand harm reduction but still) like #seriously everything’s so forceful like u seriously think forcing ur friend to talk to u or forcing a patient to talk to a therapist under #the threat of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital is gonna make her feel comfortable talking to u? or anyone? she’s just gonna trust u #less and get better at hiding it and speaking of which the taking away all sharp objects thing makes sense in theory but like think abt it #for a minute she confirmed she isn’t suicidal and this is her only way of coping so do not just forcibly take away all her coping mechanism #like yes she is hurting herself but it’s a COPING MECHANISM. she’s coping with something. help her with that don’t just take away her penci #sharpers or whatever (which btw since she’s an adult she could easily buy more stuff and yk learn to hide it better) which again has to be #voluntary it isn’t gonna work if u force someone to do smthn they don’t want to like as ur friend u could’ve made it clear u care abt her #and wouldn’t judge her for anything and r here if she wants to talk don’t just say “you have to talk to me” and casually threaten #hospitalisation when she isn’t ready in the moment like seriously if this wasn’t a badly written fanfic she would completely stop trusting #bcz given that this wasn’t even done out of panic i would like ffs u are NOT doing any of this right #oops sorry ranted abt the bad fic in my tags- #it’s not where the author’ll see it and know it’s about them i don’t feel bad abt it #this was my first time even looking at stuff for this fandom so #cw self harm in tags #idk if i need to tag anything else for that 😭 #fanfic #ao3 #ryan shut the fuck up

[mysterywheeze]

If you've ever struggled with suicidal ideation, this has likely been a particularly difficult week. It certainly has been for me. I've lost a lot of trust in a lot of people. I hope this post doesn't make anyone lose trust in me.

You need to live. That means you, the person reading this post. I don't know your name or your situation but I know, with the same certainty that I know that the Earth is turning, that you need to live.

I know that it can be hard, crushingly hard. I know what it's like to feel so empty that getting out of bed seems impossible, or so overwhelmed that drastic action seems like the only way out.

It isn't. Death is not the answer. It sure as fuck isn't praxis. Please, please do not let anyone convince you otherwise. If you think that your death will have a net positive effect on the world, I promise you, as someone who has been there before, it won't.

And while I encourage you to do what you can to try and make the world a better place - donate to charity, pick up litter, volunteer your time, write your representatives, et cetera - I want to make it clear that those aren't requirements you need to meet to justify being alive. Your life has value, inherently.

Today things may be terrible. They may stay terrible for a while. But one day, a song will get stuck in your head that makes you feel something again. You'll meet a dog that loves you unconditionally. You'll eat a meal that tastes like it was cooked by an angel. You'll pick up a new hobby, perhaps without even realizing it, and it will bring you some sense of satisfaction. You'll watch a beautiful movie. You'll walk past a beautiful mural. Someone will compliment your outfit, someone will laugh at your joke, someone will tell you they're happy to spend time with you. One day you will wake up early enough to see the sun rise.

It's a cliche to say "it will get better". That's because it's true. It probably won't be a linear upward trend, rarely do things stay better forever, but there will come a time when you'll be glad you stayed alive. I promise.

#cw suicide #and uh. it's been a while since i last posted. i feel like i owe y'all a Life Update #so much has changed in my life - for better and worse - over the past two years #i have a degree and a (freelance) job and new friends. i have been through extreme stress and been taken advantage of because of it #there are a lot of things in my personal life that i wish were better. lowest points are not easy to recover from. #but at the end of the day i think it's a good thing that i'm still alive. #sidenote: this isn't the grand return of this blog or whatever. i haven't been keeping up with watcher content since early 2022 #i still love the boys it's just been a wild ride out here in meatspace #i hope to make a proper return to the fandom someday. right now a certain hat simulator has an iron grip on my brain #it's funny how a game i was barely familiar with just half a year ago has ended up helping me deal with extreme stress. #the very specific type of joy it brings me is not something i ever saw coming. i am so glad i'm here to feel it now.

[grandninjamasterren]

.

#shittiest way to lose an entire friend group: reacting badly to being ignored #and i just keep going over it in my head because i can tell ive done something wrong but i dont know what it is and why this always happens #i know i reacted badly but what makes everyone im friends with decide to ignore me after a certain amount of time #i dont know how many more times i can take this happening #its like being back in middle school when all the popular kids would pretend to be your friend- laughing behind your back the whole time #im already suicidal i didnt need the help thanks #next time just shoot me- it'll be easier #heaven forbid i get upset because an entire group of people all decide to give me the silent treatment at the same time and then lie about #trying to ask about me while taking a week to realize that id left the game server because of it #sure whatever call me childish for counting the days since my last consideration of suicide but loosing yet another friend because they #“cant reconcile with [me] in good faith” because i reacted badly to the rest of the group purposely excluding me? #they were the one who encouraged me to leave in the first place

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

dietitian warned me the other day i may need to go inpatient if this keeps getting worse and it hasn't left my mind ever since. partly because i don't see the reason. i am literally gaining weight. and also because a non-zero part of me wants to go back inpatient and i don't know why

#and also because self destructive impulse go brrrrrr #steadily lying more and more about being full again so that's fun #unfortuantely eating disorders are chronic and will only go into remission not go away entirely!!! so if i just die that will solve that #problem right :) #personal #tw suicide #tw ed #puddleglum hours #i don't want ot have to keep myself alive anymore!! i am so tired #i don't even have a diagnosed eating disorder lol #hilariously funny to me in a terrible way #diagnosed with Big Sad disorder (mdd) but not Can't Eat disorder which is what i originally went to get help with when i first reach out to #a doctor #you know how often i regret that? so so often #im just here like LET ME DIE when the two times in teh last two days i have been Left Alone With Knives i have Talked Myself Out of using #them #in part because im scared of trying and failing again #in part also because i don't want to scar my siblings yknow?? like a friend once said that sometimes you refrain from doing things for othe #people and not yourself and i think she was so right

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

.

#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work #blocked it all out #my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer #breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries #they just diagnosed her two weeks ago #so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends #because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well #but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work #on top of my fulltime #which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it #but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this #for the coming four months at least #so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT. #i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes #then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe? #which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week #which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc #i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer #came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry #but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat #bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.” #“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.” #and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually #but seeing her anger made me see my own anger #and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic #i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more #so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise #doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal #and i am not joking #so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back

[chirsu]

Page Five of When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D. that I bought at a thrift store.

I am using the cut-up technique and going page by page.

#dave.txt #she speaks #poetry #self help books #When I Say No I Feel Guilty #Cut-up technique #coping #depression #This is about being discharged from the mental hospital when we were 14 and returning to school #And not being able to heal because we were too embarrassed to open up to our friends about the reality of our mental state #We were too busy thinking about how we must be overreacting. #Silently trying to piece ourselves together like a puzzle because we're afraid of using the wrong words and getting called fake #And for years we doubted our transness because we couldn't.. Tell if we were faking it for attention. Bc that's what it always feels like #It all feels so fake because every detail about ourselves feels like a grab for attention. #Just thinking about being depressed felt like we were making a mockery out of ppl who were actually depressed and suicidal #I'm sorry for being so emotional about this piece. For trauma dumping. I'm also sorry if you're reading this. And sorry that I was scared. #I am okay I'm just really tired. Tired of being sick. Being sick makes me cry. I feel so useless. Like a lump. #I am curling up in embarrassment #dear diary #vent

[aq2003]

i'll start drafting long posts talking about how some people overblow ten's ego/arrogance especially dw dudebros who ignore his guilt/depression/trauma and how his thinking of regeneration as death has less to do with him super really loving being Dweeb Alien David Tennant and more to do with him not wanting to move on from the deep love and grief that has defined his identity . and then i will not post these drafts because i do not want to be more annoying about ten than i already am

#like i so so deeply do not want to come off as one of those 'stop criticizing him! hes traumatized :(' ppl but also are you guys like #even considering the fact hes traumatized at all #how a full season is dedicated to how his ptsd affects him and his relationship with martha #and how him trying so hard to push his feelings down and not let himself be helped ends up deeply hurting martha too #i really do feel like people forgo this and instead subscribe to. like. #'it's like he had a bad breakup w his girlfriend and gets a new girlfriend and treats her like garbage bc he doesn't really love her' #rather than 'it's like his gf died and hometown exploded and he doesn't know if he should even have a friend and accept their attempts #to help him through his grief because he's afraid he'll lose them like he's lost everything else. But also he cant survive on his own so #he will drip feed himself human connection while not considering how unfair this is to the friend involved that he doesnt know loves him' #this isn't even touching on his suicidal tendencies in s3. like god #dr who #Uh oh i read this post and these tags over and looks like i AM being annoying about ten once again. its not my fault he's worms in my head #10 era

[hussyknee]

TW: 200th rant about the stupid "HP fans are all complicit in antisemitism and transphobia" discourse, brought to you by my OCD-induced suicidality.

I've by now become so wary of trans people and enbies on social media, especially Jewish ones. I'm like "this person is GOING to be on their Harry Potter bullshit and trigger the hell out of my OCD" and my hackles go up automatically. Then my OCD goes "haha you hate them because they're Jewish and/or trans, you're an antisemitic transphobe so they're clearly right about people who defend HP! SUFFER bitch!" Cue hell loop until my brain is flayed over anything nobody actually even said or did.

I don't even LIKE HP that much anymore, why is wanting to stop having PTSD episodes about stupid shit the thing that also dropkicks me down seven circles of hell??? It's made all the so-called "leftist" enclaves of the internet a minefield. Why are people with OCD everyone's favourite collateral when it comes to stuff shitty rich assholes do? Is it so fucking hard to stop making up thought crimes to attack people over??

It's an extra layer of horrible when the same people have no problems applying "no ethical consumption under capitalism" to stuff like Coca Cola and Nestlé products. Y'all can't possibly live without child slavery chocolate or making brown people drink Nestlé's toxic filth or anything that's subjecting Indigenous communities and people in entire Global South continents to long, lingering, horrible deaths, but this one franchise whose author royalties are funding the UK transphobic lobby is the one line that matters. Fuck all the trans people in those places I guess. Every single Global North consumer moral policing is western leftists's dehumanization of our people writ large. Fuck all of you.

#yeah i know i keep bringing this up. that's the nature of OCD #and the sheer prevalence of this rhetoric and the lack of opposition to it #sometimes it's like Im the only one speaking out #and it's because my fight and flight response is set to fight and I can't disengage #not because Im brave or something #in order to avenge the UK's trans genocide it's people like me all over the world #who can't even afford books and games #that need to be killed off first #when you're triggered into suicidality over and over because of your love for a book #that helped your child mind escape while cowering from the adults in your life #even without having paid money for anything HP related in years #how exactly are you supposed to rise above that #i've systematically lost my entire friend group to this clown circus this year #because apparently ''this thing you're doing is ableist and also making me suicidal'' is just me being lost in the fandom sauce #and not caring enough about real issues #it's no use singling out the western left anymore bc USAmerican internet hegemony means even my people take their political cues frm them #''you're being influenced by western imperialism'' went down about as well #as did ''if my wellbeing is not enough for you I literally know trans HP fans wth OCD who are suffering even worse than me'' #harry potter #knee of huss #scrupulousity #pure ocd #actually ocd #western leftists #white queers

[sa-bo]

Genuinely need a break from this arc real quick why does One Piece delve so deep into the ethics of war this arc, like holy shit I'm gonna fucking die

#so much emotional shit been happening during the marineford arc im gonna come out of this feeling like a jaded war soldier #seeing coby having a downright full-on panic attack while bodies fall to the ground around him?? isnt this kid like 15-17 #and literally any scene where some shit happens to luffy is absolutely mortifying in nature ever since drum island #one piece sets itself up like ''lol look at these pirate friends getting into hijinks and saving each other and conquering the world!'' #but then shit gets crazy every time #i can no longer in good conscience recommend this without warning people abt how scary it gets sometimes #i feel like the first taste comes during arlong park where we see nami repeatedly stabbing herself #then with us seeing zoro's wound stapled shut and bleeding like a motherfucker as he still tries to fight #because they couldn't get professional medical help even if they probably saw his fucking guts and ribcage #but shit just keeps getting more terrifying every arc #alabasta? civil war. we see the princess of her country screaming her lungs out in vain for her people to stop fighting #sky island? mass genocide. for funsies. by a man so hopped up on delusions and apathy he thinks it's funny #water 7? we see the downfall of ohara and robin trying to Fucking Commit Suicide because she finally found ppl who like her #thriller bark--THRILLER BARK SPEAKS FOR ITSELF. #seeing brook's crew sing together one last time as they all progressively drop dead one by one until only one is left #and the utter terror as we see zoro standing surrounded by his own blood in a 20 foot radius around him #impel down we see the horrors of the world government and how they treat their prisoners with layers of hell #and marineford we see a war even worse than that which we saw in alabasta #horrible horrible shit

[after-the-end-times]

Ed was so calm and pretty that morning, all the while planning to drive them into a storm

He truly pushed the last of his hope for a future out the window with his bride and groom Ed and Stede

#he makes me so sad #I honestly don't know how I'd help a friend that was spiraling like that #so what was izzy and the crew supposed to do? #pull up in a port with a therapist who specializes in suicidal pirates?? #edward teach #our flag means death #ofmd s2 spoilers

[binders-and-beanies]

Doin bad again folx

#might delete later I’m just wide awake and miserable #summer bill came out today and it’s $7100 not including housing which will be $2400 #literally dunno how im gonna pay for that and my dad is. adding to the emotional turmoil of it all #not able to get a loan at least not before the bill is due #able to get aid luckily but again who knows when or how much #my bday is tomorrow and for months I’ve been like please just let my bday be a good day i need one #i need some hope. not that I haven’t had good experiences lately bc I have. but nothing that lasts #nothing i get to feel good about for more than a day before a new problem drops #I need to enjoy my birthday without feeling this deep dark dread and fear and fucking guilt and hopelessness #I have fun plans for today And tomorrow and I’m grateful but honestly stressed about that too #bc it’s gonna be a lot + bc of all I need to do outside of that #+ I don’t get to spend my bday w friends the way I want like I have one friend Maybe coming w me #my bday is supposed to feel celebratory and instead it feels like absolutely forcing some illusion of choice or joy in my life #on top of it all. the most peaceful I usually ever feel is in bed w my partner and now my body won’t even let me hold or be held by them #currently laying next to them not touching them so I at least don’t keep them up w how physically miserable I am rn #I’m literally always physically miserable at this point and it feels like spring is never gonna come and provide any relief #but it’s like can I at least be cozy w them. nope instead I’m wide awake facing various horrors #despite being permanently exhausted and falling asleep in class after 40 ounces of coffee #Im just. so fucking unhappy in life rn dude I don’t want life to be like this forever with the constant threat of it getting much worse #fucking shred of joy in this godforsaken world: the sleep noises they r making rn #mine #txt #vent post #suicidal ideation tw #<- cry for help

[and-stir-the-stars]

I just realized. Your dream theory revamp means there's a wide field of options for endings outside of the dream, and I'm wildly curious about any ideas you have for that. Does Evan get to like. Grow up?? Ik you were still debating on the Bite for this, but I'm wildly curious about what things would be like if he actually got to continue on past that point.

Also, does Elizabeth still go missing?

I have. All the curiosity. Tell me anything. Or nothing. Follow ur dreams

I'm going to half-answer this in a rambling mess, okay, bear with me

So, initial idea for the au was that both Elizabeth and Charlie disappear, but I'm not exactly sure how that happens if William isn't actually a killer

Maybe it's possible that William accidentally killed Elizabeth in an ''abuse gone too far'' moment and covered it up afterward. Or there's some other killer or kidnapper who got their hands on Liz and Charlie. Or Liz and Charlie ran off together and got hurt and lost in the woods and never came back.

Orrrr, I was also thinking that it'd be nice to have an au where Mrs. Afton, aka Francine, is actually alive. So maybe William and Francine were going to get a divorce because William is an abusive piece of shit, okay, and William tries taking the kids and running because he REFUSES to loose everything that he had (all the "property" he owned) but he only manages to get away with Mike and Evan. So maybe in this version, instead of kids spreading rumors about how Elizabeth died, William and/or Mike is the one doing that to make Evan stop asking questions about Liz. William would have to leave Fazbear Entertainment behind to avoid jailtime for, yk, kidnapping though, so this version probably wouldn't work.

Or it's possible that Francine was the one to try taking the kids and leaving to keep them safe, but she's only able to save Liz for some reason. That way William is still part of Fazbear Entertainment, and anger and grief over the divorce/Francine running would further William's abuse of the boys; William could try pushing the idea that Elizabeth is "missing" around town rather than admit that his wife ran off with her, and kids around town still spread rumors about animatronics being responsible for Liz's "death." Maybe Charlie still goes missing, maybe not.

But either way, I think "Evan eventually grows up to reconnect with his mother and lost sister" makes for a good ending, especially if we squeeze Mike in there for the happy ending. Though ofc a lot of effort would have to be put into their relationship for Mike and Evan to get to that point, not to mention Mike and Evan having to get over the trauma of being left behind by Francine, whether she wanted that to happen or not.

If Mike does try killing himself at some point in the au, and esp if Evan is the one to find him, i can see Evan still growing up to be a doctor (probably pediatrics specifically) in the au, maybe; Evan wasn't the one in danger but the doctors and paramedics were all super nice to Evan when he had to call for help, when they showed up, and during stays in the hospital waiting room to see what Mike's fate would be. Evan obviously isn't very used to kindness, so their kindness would mean a lot to him.

It does admittedly feel weird to think about Evan growing up in this au tho, and I'm tempted to kill him off before he gets to that point for any other ending besides the "grow up and reconnect with his mother and sister" ending.

#tw suicide #tw child abuse #there's also the question of like. do mike and evan ever come to an understanding and if so when #i don't have a lot (re: any) solid or cohesive thoughts. just flashes of ideas really. #whatever evan grows up to be the job definitely has something to do with kids #dream theory au #yeah i'm leaning toward ''francine wanted to run away with the kids but only managed to save liz'' the question is just how lol #like mike loves his mum but maybe he was so roped into william's manipulation that he didn't want to leave william? #or he was so scared of his family being ripped apart that he told william when he learned what francine wanted to do? #evan was definitely too young to understand what was happening. francine wouldn't have told him the truth of what was happening #so evan couldn't fill that role. francine might have lied to liz too depending on how old liz was at the time #mike might have been the only one francine deemed old enough to know #or he just overheard francine telling her plan to a friend #probably the same friend helping her run away