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downthe-f4ndom-rabbith0le · 4 months

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As Brave As You Are (Newt x Reader) - A Maze Runner Story

As Brave As You Are (Newt x Reader) Reader Insert: she/her pronouns Word Count: 12,051 Warnings: death, bloody wounds, fighting, mental and physical torture, guns, suicidal thoughts and actions Spoilers: no spoilers because the books and films came out ages ago

After helping Newt recover from his ankle injury, Y/N and Newt formed an unbreakable bond that always had them looking out for each other. When they escaped the Maze, then navigated the Scorch, they always had each other’s back. It isn’t until Y/N is captured alongside Minho by WCKD and Newt contracts the Flare that he realises how he truly feels about Y/N.

Problem is, will he rescue her in time to tell her?

Note: I'm back in my dystopian future era thanks to the new Hunger Games film so of course I had to write for my original YA crush. This piece is based on the movie series mainly. Don't get mad at me, I love the books more, but I can appreciate the storylines that came out of the path they took with the films. And if there is one thing the TMR fandom can agree on, it is that the film cast was the best cast ever for the series. So enjoy - not sorry that it's horrendously long, Newt deserves it xx

‘Medjack! Medjack, now!’

Y/N recognised it was Minho was calling for help. Clint and Jeff ran out of the med hut to see what all the commotion was. It wasn’t long before they were hurrying back inside, carrying Newt of all people between them, Minho and Alby in tow.

‘Clear the table,’ Clint ordered, and Y/N quickly followed through, practically throwing off containers, bowls and medical instruments to get Newt on there as quick as possible. Once Newt was up, Y/N finally noticed the unnatural twist in his ankle and it almost sent Frypan’s sloppy sweet potato soup right back up.

She was still pretty new to her job as a Medjack, being the greenie and all. She was the only girl in the Glade of the current twelve residents, so she was intimidated at first as to what role she could play in the place. Medjack seemed the most suitable, and she seemed to have a knack for it, having stitched up some eyebrows and cleaned up knee scrapes with ease and precision.

But even though she’d seen blood, dealt with displaced bones and joints, she still got queasy doing her job. It didn’t help that Newt was hissing through clenched teeth from the intense pain, an occasional sob passing through.

‘What happened?’ Y/N asked.

‘I don’t know,’ Minho said. ‘We split up for only five minutes. I thought we could cover more ground that way. And we’ve run that part of the Maze like a hundred times already. I thought we’d be fine…’

Clint held Newt down as Jeff and Y/N took a look at Newt’s ankle. Jeff only pressed gently with his fingers around the bone, but Newt’s responding howls confirmed the severity of the injury.

‘The bone is completely shattered,’ Jeff said grimly. ‘We’re going to need to reset his foot first though. Y/N?’

‘On it.’ She rushed to a shelf that held bandages, then to a cupboard with flat boards about shin length. She grabbed two of those before heading back to the table.

‘You’re going to have to hold him down,’ Y/N directed at Alby and Minho, gesturing to follow Clint’s efforts. Then she turned to Newt, whose face was slicked with tears and sweat as he continued to writhe in pain. ‘Newt. Newt, can you open your eyes for me? I need you to focus on me.’

To his credit, Newt opened his eyes and he didn’t look away from her.

‘Good. Good, Newt,’ she said. ‘Now, we have to realign your foot. It’s going to hurt a lot. We’ll go on three, okay?’

In the short time Y/N had known Newt – which arguably was no time at all, as he ran every day and she was in the Medjack hut all day. They didn’t interact unless he or another runner got hurt, or at dinner if only to say hello. Even so, she had come to know he liked it plain and straight, no bullshit. So, despite his pain, he took two deep, calming breaths and gave her a nod to say he was ready for what they had to do.

Y/N nodded back, then looked to the others, who had their hands braced on all Newt’s limbs. ‘Ready?’ she asked, to which they nodded in reply. Y/N gently held Newt’s ankle, eliciting a quiet whimper from the boy. ‘Okay, on three. One, two…’ She cut herself off as she slammed her hands either side the ankle bone, causing a loud cracking sound as the ankle snapped back into place.

Newt’s wail of pain must’ve been heard from across the whole Glade it was so loud. He writhed and pulled to sit up, but the boys held him down as Y/N and Jeff bandaged the two splints either side of Newt’s ankle. Jeff then dabbed a small dose of chloroform in a cloth and pressed it to Newt’s nose. Soon enough, the boy was unconscious, finally pain-free.

‘You guys go have dinner,’ Y/N said to Clint and Jeff a little while later as they were cleaning up the hut. Alby and Minho had left soon after Newt fell asleep, but it was almost dinner time now. ‘I’ll stay with Newt tonight.’

‘You sure?’ Clint asked. ‘We can do shifts if you’d prefer.’

Y/N shook her head. ‘I insist. You guys rest up. I can do this. Consider this my final test to becoming a fully-fledged Medjack.’

Jeff chuckled. ‘You have much more to learn, Greenie, but suit yourself.’

‘We’ll bring you back some food, Y/N,’ Clint said as he and Jeff left the hut, leaving Y/N to idly clean up.

Newt woke up from a dull throbbing in his ankle, which turned into a harsh pain, causing him to sit up in alarm.

‘Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay,’ a voice gently said as equally gentle hands pushed him back down.

‘My ankle,’ he said, voice hoarse and dry. ‘It hurts…’

The face of the voice finally came into view: it was the Greenie. Y/N offered him a small smile as he finally recognised her. In one hand, she held a needle with clear serum. Her other she offered to his leg. ‘May I? It’ll help, I promise.’

He hesitated for a moment, but the intense pain in his ankle broke his composure as he eagerly nodded. The painkiller worked immediately, and Newt sighed with relief as the throbbing eased significantly.

’There,’ Y/N said, wiping the needle. ’That should help for a bit. Sadly, we don’t have much left for me to give you more than once a day, but I’m hoping you won’t need it beyond the end of the month.’

Confusion clouded Newt’s mind as he tried to process her words. ‘What… What happened?’ But he answered his own question as images of the Maze flashed through his mind, and he remembered it all. How he bid farewell to Minho. How he climbed as high as he could along the Maze walls. How easy it was to let go.

Then the pain fully encompassed him, and then it was just a blur. How Minho found him. How Clint and Jeff laid him on the table he realised he was still on. How angry and embarrassed he felt having his friends see him broken and miserable.

Newt managed to pull himself into a sitting position, propping a pillow behind him to cushion the hut wall. ‘How bad is it?’ he asked glumly, eyes unable to lift from his injury.

He couldn’t be bothered with pleasantries. He was too tired, and, frankly, saw no point in keeping up appearances anymore.

To her credit, Y/N seemed to pick up on his mood, saying, ‘It will heal to a point you’ll be able to walk again. But it won’t ever heal properly.’

‘You mean I’ll have a limp?’

‘Potentially.’

’So I can’t be a Runner anymore?’ Y/N didn’t reply, finally drawing Newt’s attention away from the source of his pain and to her.

Newt had only interacted with Y/N on a few occasions. Mainly at mealtimes or the odd occasion he passed her by on the way back from a run, only talking as much as greeting and farewelling one another. As the only girl so far, of course he found her intriguing, but he never had time nor a reason to get to know her.

And while he’d come to think of her as the quiet and gentle Medjack in comparison to Clint and Jeff, he didn’t see an ounce of pity on her face as she looked at him. Only quiet contemplation, as if there could be any other answer but no to his question.

‘I guess that’s up to you and Alby,’ she finally said. ‘I mean, I know what I should say is no. I’m sure Clint and Jeff will say no. But it’ll more so come down to if you want to go back in or not.’ Her eyes flickered to his ankle, sadness glazing her eyes briefly before returning to him. ‘But I think I can take a guess as to what your answer will be.’

Newt’s gut twisted with guilt and shame that she’d figured it out, and his face flushed with embarrassment and anger. ‘So, you going to tell everyone?’ he asked, words thick with hopelessness. ‘I mean, that’s your job, right? Diagnose me, then tell Alby, then the whole glade how pathetic I am?’

Y/N shook her head. ‘I think you give me too much credit. I’m not an actual doctor, you know,’ she said, coming to stand beside him. She inspected his ankle for a moment, then turned her gaze to him, and it shocked him to see such intensity in her eyes. It was as if suddenly he was the most interesting person in the world.

‘I can say it was a running accident,’ she finally concluded. ‘You can tell your truth when you’re ready. It’s not my place to take away hope when the others are so full of it right now. That includes me.’

He stared, stunned, as she packed up the last of her things by a spare medical cot at the other end of the hut. It wasn’t until she let out a loud yawn that Newt noticed it was dark outside. The silence of the Glade told him everyone else had gone to bed so it was late. Or early, he couldn’t really tell.

Y/N fluffed a sad excuse of a pillow and put it on the cot. ‘Now that I know you’re alive, are you going to be okay if I get a few minutes shut eye? I can stay up if you’d like.’

Now that the initial shock and embarrassment of the day’s events had subsided, Newt realised how exhausted he was still. ‘No, that’s okay,’ he said. ‘I think I should rest a bit more anyway.’

Y/N nodded and swung her legs up to lie down fully. Newt went to slide himself and his pillow back down to do the same when Y/N spoke again.

‘And Newt?’ she said, her voice soft and almost hesitant.

‘Yeah?’ he called back.

She was silent for so long Newt thought she’d gone to sleep. But then she spoke. ‘For the record, I don’t think you’re pathetic. For wanting it all to end, that is. I actually think what you did was really brave. You might be scared and maybe out of hope, but at least you did something about it. The rest of us can only hope to be as brave as you.’

Newt’s breath caught in his chest as it swelled with a mix of emotions. Brave? What he did was the act of a coward. Tears streamed silently down his face, both from a deep shame, but also a warmth he hadn’t felt in a long time.

The rest of us can only hope to be as brave as you…

Newt had lost all hope after a year of searching for a way out and finding nothing. But she didn’t know that, and neither will the next Greenie, or the Greenie after that. Even some of the boys already in the Glade didn’t know that. That’s why they waited every day for the runners – for him – to come back with news, with a shred of hope that they’d get out of there soon.

Newt twisted himself so he could see Y/N, who was rolled away from him, her body rising and falling with the rhythm of sleep. Even if he thought it would all be hopeless in the end, some truly believed they would get out of here.

And maybe that was something worth fighting for.

Two years on and Newt and Y/N had managed to forge something akin to a friendship.

Y/N had kept her word and said Newt had had a running accident, and he’d agreed with her for the sake of his worried friends. Y/N had also been right about his ankle; it healed to point where he could walk and do a decent jog with a limp. But he would never run again.

He was transferred to work as a Track-Hoe in the gardens with Zart. But it wasn’t all bad. As more boys arrived – never any girls much to their confusion – Newt developed a knack for leading others, for diffusing hard situations, and for wrangling the boys into line. Because of that, he was promoted to Alby’s second-in-command, which gave him more meaningful work to do than just the gardens – stuff that might actually get him and the other Gladers out of the bloody Maze.

It also meant he had more time to talk to Y/N. He would make sure to drop by once a day (and not just at mealtimes) to check in on her. For a time, he convinced himself he did that because it was his job as second-in-command to keep up group morale, and he would visit everyone in the Glade. Eventually, however, he realised it was because he genuinely enjoyed her company.

Since that night, Y/N had come out of her shell more. Still a little shy and apprehensive at times, but she would openly joke and play along with the boys’ antics. She was more confident in her work as a Medjack too, not afraid to boss Clint and Jeff around if she needed something from them.

Newt’s visits became longer, as they talked about any and all things. Aside from Alby and Minho, Newt considered Y/N one of his closest friends. And she must’ve felt the same – or at least in a similar fashion – as she entertained his thoughts about life beyond the Maze, and the rants he would go on thanks to whichever stupid shank put the fertiliser in the wrong place.

It was a friendship built on mutual respect and genuine care for one another, something that helped Newt convince Y/N to come with him and the others when they finally decided to leave the Maze. But he couldn’t help but feel a deep dread and guilt as he waited behind Thomas, knowing that Grievers were right around the corner.

While the others caught up, Newt turned to Y/N – who’d been helping him through the Maze with his limp – and offered her a spare spear he’d been carrying.

Her eyes widened at his offering. ‘I can’t take that. I can’t fight.’

‘Well, you can’t just go in there without something to protect yourself,’ he said, this time forcibly handing the spear over. Y/N clutched the spear awkwardly, and Newt saw the uncertainty in her eyes, in her trembling hands.

Newt felt bad for making her hold such a violent weapon. All her hands had ever done were help people, save them at times. Now he was asking her to kill. It was for the greater good they both knew, but to kill, nonetheless.

Newt placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and locked eyes with her. ‘Hey,’ he said softly, ‘you stay with me the whole time, do you understand? I promise you won’t have to use that unless absolute necessary.’

Y/N bit her lip to stop it trembling too, but she nodded, steeling herself in preparation for the fight ahead. Newt reciprocated the action and gave her shoulder a final squeeze before turning to face Thomas as he explained the plan.

They fought the Grievers, taking down a few while some of them took down Gladers. The Gladers were backed against the door that Teresa and Chuck were trying to open with a code. Minho shouted numbers at them as he, Newt, and the others fended off one last Griever.

Before he could finish, Minho was caught by a Griever, and Clint ran out to save him. But the Griever’s tail caught him, sending him over the edge of the walkway they fought on with one flick.

‘Clint!’

Before Newt could stop her, Y/N rushed out from behind him, spear drawn back and flying at the Griever in seconds. Not being a fighter to begin with, let alone a good one, the spear bounced off its metal leg without much effect. It did, however, alert the Griever to her presence, turning all its attention to her. Minho leapt to his feet, finally free, and ran back to the group. ‘Y/N!’ he cried as he ran. ‘Run!’

Y/N seemed to finally realise her situation, looking up at the Griever frozen with fear. The horrible creature raised its claw to end her, but Newt moved faster.

He ran as fast as he could, limp be damned, past Y/N and threw his spear at the Griever’s head. It landed true, puncturing one of the creature’s bulbous eyes, drawing a painful screech from it. Newt didn’t wait to see what it would do next, as he grabbed one of Y/N’s arms and Minho grabbed the other and ran back to the group, practically throwing her behind the front line and against the door.

Teresa finally got the door open and the Gladers tumbled in, Thomas throwing one last spear down the Griever’s throat as the doors closed.

Lights flickered on to show they were in some empty room with a door on the wall behind them leading to a corridor.

Thomas looked at the group, taking heavy breaths. ‘Everyone okay?’

‘What’s left of us, that is,’ Winston said, his tone sad and regretful.

As Newt eyed the group, he noted how many they’d lost, how little their group seemed all of a sudden.

Minho stepped ahead with Thomas, pointing towards the door. ‘Well? It’s not going to open itself.’

As Minho and Thomas led the group to the exit, Newt turned to Y/N, whose eyes had a distant look glazed over them. ‘What were you thinking?’ he asked, bringing her attention to him. ‘I told you to stay behind me. You could’ve been killed.’

‘I-I know. I’m sorry,’ she stuttered out, tears teetering in her E/C eyes. ‘I just… Clint… It all happened so fast, and I was just kind of moving before I knew what I was doing.’ She looked down at her hands then, and Newt noticed a slight tremble to them. ‘I thought I could help, but I was too slow. And I put you guys in danger too. I’m just… I’m sorry.’

Newt’s guilt came back full force then. He placed a gentle hand over her trembling one, grasping her fingers to stop their shaking. When she looked up at him confused, he just said, ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pressured you into thinking you had to fight. You won’t ever hold a weapon like that again. I promise.’

Y/N opened her mouth to object no doubt, but Newt cut her off. ‘But you have to promise me something back. Promise me that you’ll let us protect you. You can help by keeping us alive, just like you always have. But you’ve got to listen to me, you got it?’

He used his authoritative voice this time, and it seemed to work as Y/N calmed down, her unshed tears now gone.

‘Okay,’ she said, quiet but strong. ‘I promise.’

Newt nodded. ‘Good that.’ He turned to see the others leaving through the door then turned back to Y/N. ’Do you think we’d be lucky enough not to face anything else beyond those doors.’

‘I think we should consider ourselves lucky for getting this far.’ To her credit, Y/N managed a small smile as she looked up at him. ‘But why should our luck run out now?’

There it was again; the glimmer of hope Newt had felt from her since the night he injured his ankle. Newt couldn’t deny that they’d made it this far – by design or by luck, they’d made it.

And who was he to deny that things might be on the look up for them now?

Together, Y/N and Newt followed the rest of the Gladers to meet their makers.

‘I never thought I’d say this… but I miss the Glade.’

The group around the fire grew silent at the implication Frypan’s words had, the memories they conjured up. Y/N couldn’t help but agree as she looked into the dark sky above her, peaking from behind the crumbling pillars they took refuge under.

The sky was always so clear back in the Glade, she recalled silently. But, just like their current situation, the sky was now obscured.

The people who rescued them from the Maze were actually WCKD – the people who’d put them in the Maze in the first place. The past twelve hours had seen herself, Newt, Thomas, Minho, Frypan, Winston, and a boy named Aris find Teresa, break out of the facility, and enter the deadly Scorch. In their search for supplies, they’d been attacked by crazed, infected people, driving the group to hide where they were.

The Maze was dangerous, but it was familiar and the only home Y/N recalled ever having. Out in the Scorch, safety wasn’t guaranteed.

She looked to Winston, who laid back, his shirt pulled up to expose the bloody bandage she’d wrapped his torso in. Y/N tried not to think about the infected scratch marks underneath, and more specifically what gave them to him. The Grievers were one thing, but the things that attacked them? They used to be people.

Not wanting to sit in her thoughts anymore, Y/N stood up, brushed off her pants, and grabbed knife from their pile of weapons they’d found in the abandoned mall. ‘I’ll take first watch.’

She didn’t wait to hear if anyone objected, already walking around the stone that covered them so she was on top. To her relief, the others let her go without argument, putting out the fire and quickly settling down to sleep.

After half an hour, Y/N decided to get up and patrol around the area, knife tightly gripped in her hand and her footsteps quiet despite the sand.

There was so much of it, the sand. The lady in white – Doctor Ava Paige – had said in her video that the whole world was just desert now. The thought made Y/N yearn for the Glade even more. For the grass, and the woods, and the bonfires they used to have, and the games they played. The boys – Clint, Jeff, Alby, Gally, Chuck.

Y/N wasn’t a hateful person, but she clutched the knife tighter at the thought of all the loss they’d all suffered at the hands of WCKD.

It’s why she didn’t hesitate to follow Newt when he’d found her in her room – for some reason, she hadn’t been allowed to stay with the other girls from the other mazes just yet. It’s why they were now braving the Scorch searching for people that Thomas didn’t know even existed. They wanted a better life out from under WCKD’s thumb.

The crunch of sand had her whirling around, awkwardly poising the knife as if to attack, but she relaxed at the familiar person standing there.

Newt raised his hands in mock surrender. ‘Whoa there,’ he said, the quirk of a smile on his lips telling her he was just joking. ‘You could do some real damage if you’re not careful.’

Y/N blew out in relief, the knife dropping to her side again. ‘Thanks, but we both know that’s not the case, Newt.’

Newt shoved his hands in his jacket pocket, shrugging his shoulders as he did. ‘I don’t know, I’ve seen you with a scalpel. Absolutely terrifyingly precise with that thing.’

Y/N chuckled softly, appreciative of the distraction. But her smile dropped as she looked out into the dark cityscape. The moon hid behind clouds so Y/N couldn’t make out anything. ‘Is it pathetic that I’m scared to see what the world has become?’ she asked, not daring to raise her voice above a soft mumble.

Newt stepped up beside her, his body radiating the last remnants of heat from the fire and it warmed her slightly. ’Someone once told me that I was brave for facing my fear,’ he said after some quiet contemplation.

Y/N looked up at him confused, but he looked down at her with a knowing, smug smile. Much to her chagrin, she couldn’t help but chuckle and shake her head at him. ‘I don’t recall saying that specifically. But if that’s how you saw it, who am I to tell you that wasn’t what I meant?’

Newt hummed in agreement looking back out at the dark expanse, contemplation scrunching his brows together. ‘I’ll be honest with you, I’m scared too.’

That surprised Y/N. Newt, second-in-command, casual, leader Newt was scared? ‘You are?’

Newt nodded. ‘I’m scared that we’ve made a mistake. That Thomas is wrong and there aren’t any mountain people.’ He turned back to Y/N, the most serious she’d ever seen him. ‘I’m scared we’re going to lose more of us, and then what was our escape for? But… it’s not my place to take away hope when the others are so full of it. Including myself.’ Finally, Newt’s smile returned, and it warmed that cold pit of despair Y/N had been falling into ever since they left the WCKD facility. ‘Or, at least, I think that’s what someone very wise once told me.’

Y/N stared at him, awestruck. Hopeful. Newt was hopeful again. And she didn’t want to read into it, but she thought the knowing smile he was giving her told her that she had something to do with it. The thought alone strengthened her resolve, and she looked down at the knife in her hands, less afraid of it all of a sudden.

Y/N held it out to Newt. ’Teach me.’

He raised an eyebrow in a silent question. ‘What?’

’Teach me. How to fight,’ Y/N explained, eyes unwavering from his.

Concern flashed across Newt’s face for a brief moment. ‘Y/N, I told you, you don’t have to fight if you don’t want to.’

‘If there is one thing I’ve come to know about WCKD is that it doesn’t actually matter what I want anymore. What any of us want,’ Y/N said, feeling the most certain she’s felt in a long time. ‘The one thing we have on WCKD is that we are defiant. We escaped, and are taking away the one thing they want most of all: a chance to find a cure. So, if we’re going to have any hopes of making it to the mountains alive, I’m going to have to know how to fight. So please – teach me.’

Newt contemplated her for a moment, and Y/N just prayed he wouldn’t say no. Or even worse, laugh. Instead of doing either, he took the knife from Y/N’s hand, his fingers brushing across her palm as he did.

‘All right,’ he said, moving his feet apart to get into a fighting stance. ‘First of all, you’ve got to have a wide-ish stance, and stay light on your toes so you can control when you back away from your opponent.’

He demonstrated the movement by quickly shuffling away, always keeping his feet a certain distance apart and the knife gripped tight by his hip. ‘…and when you go into attack.’ He moved so fast Y/N didn’t see his footwork, her eyes locked on his as they bored into hers, knife poised at her neck as if he’d strike.

He stepped away and gave her the knife back. ‘You think you can do that?’

Y/N nodded and took the knife, and for the next hour Newt taught Y/N basic blocks and manoeuvres that he’d picked up from Thomas and Minho and just from basic instinct. Just like she’d been with her Medjack skills, Y/N was a quick study, performing move after move when Newt asked her to.

She impressed herself. For a natural pacifist, she wielded the knife quite fluently.

They decided to finish the session on a quick sparring match. Newt took a swipe at Y/N, and she stepped back just like Newt had taught her. She then rushed in for an attack, to which Newt threw up his own knife in time to block. Y/N anticipated the pushback and twisted out of Newt’s way as he stumbled slightly forward. While he was disorientated, Y/N gripped his wrist that controlled his knife and pointed her own into his back.

‘Looks like I win,’ she said, breathless but proud.

Y/N didn’t like the carefree scoff he gave her, followed by, ‘Are you sure?’

She doubted herself for a moment, loosening her grip enough for him to twist out of her reach, knock her knife away and bend to sweep her legs out from underneath her. Y/N landed hard, groaning at the pain in her butt as Newt looked down at her and laughed.

‘I’m glad you find my pain amusing, Newt,’ she grumbled, rubbing her sore behind.

Newt laughed for a moment longer then calmed down. But his radiant smile remained on his face, brightening the darkness surrounding them. ‘I’m sorry, love,’ he said between remaining chuckles. To his credit, he held out his hand in an offer to help her up. ’But the surprise on your face was priceless.’

Y/N contemplated his hand for a moment, whether she should just push it away or take it. Instead, an idea came to mind, and she gripped his hand tightly then pulled him to the ground with her. He landed on his stomach beside her, getting a face full of sand.

Y/N let out a loud laugh before quickly covering her mouth to stifle the relentless laughter that wished to burst from her.

Newt spat and coughed out sand as he made to sit up. ‘Well,’ he started, spitting out more sand as he looked up at Y/N, ‘I should’ve seen that coming.’

That just made Y/N laugh even harder, using now both hands to quieten the giggles. Goodness, when was the last time she’d laughed this freely? When was the last time she’d felt such joy? After everything they’d been through, Y/N was worried she’d forgotten what was like to laugh.

When she’d calmed down, she looked down to see Newt propped up on his arms looking up at her with an odd expression on his face. Like he was in awe, maybe. Whatever it was, it made Y/N acknowledge how handsome Newt had become. His baby features had faded since she’d first met him, being replaced by a lean figure and a toned jawline from working in the gardens every day for two years. And with his big brown eyes, tousled blond hair and funny accent, Y/N wondered how he had changed so much without her realising it. How she hadn’t realised he’d grown up.

The intensity with which he looked at her brought a heated blush to her face, and so she turned away into the cool night breeze, willing the blush to cool down. Newt shuffled to sit up next to her. They didn’t speak for a minute, until Newt suddenly stood up.

‘Well, um,’ he started, and for the first time since Y/N had known him, he sounded uncertain about what to say. ‘I better let you continue with your shift. At least you know how to defend yourself now.’

Y/N hastily stood up as well, making sure there was at least a step between them. ‘Yes!’ she said. ‘Thank you for that. I’ll be sure to practice.’

‘Good that.’

They looked at each other for a moment, and even though Newt said he was leaving, he made no move to leave. Maybe he doesn’t want to, she thought, and the mere possibility of that being true warmed her heart.

But he took a step away, gave her a shy smile and a small wave farewell. ‘Goodnight, Y/N.’

‘Goodnight Newt,’ she said, those two words hanging in the air long after he’d left.

As she finally woke Frypan up for his shift, she clung to the knife and went through all the manoeuvres Newt had taught her until she fell asleep.

Newt was unable to sleep until Y/N woke Frypan up to take the next watch shift, and laid down to sleep herself. Newt opened his eyes to see Y/N laying across the pit they’d dug out for the fire. She faced him on her side, and Newt noticed with curiosity that she held the knife she’d practiced with close to her chest. Her chest rose and fell rhythmically, and paired with her heavy breathing, Newt figured she was completely asleep.

An odd sensation fluttered in his chest and stomach as Newt considered Y/N’s sleeping face. It was the same feeling that had fizzled in his chest when he’d looked up at her as she laughed. He couldn’t remember the last time any of them had laughed as freely as she had.

And he couldn’t help but admire how beautiful she looked doing so – hiding her bright smile behind trembling hands, eyes narrowed but sparkling with joy.

All because of him.

He rolled onto his back then, not wanting to give the thought anymore weight. There’s no point getting your hopes up, he reminded himself. But like a moth drawn to flame, Newt couldn’t help but tilt his head to gaze upon her peacefully sleeping. An ache carved itself deep in his heart. How had he not realised her growing up, changing? Being the only girl for a long time, of course he and the others found her pretty. But now that he looked at her – really looked at her, and wasn’t concerned with his life for just a split second – he realised just how beautiful she was.

It was in her features, but also in her determination to be better for the group. It both hurt and impressed him when she asked for his help. He promised her she would never have to fight again, but things have changed drastically since the Maze.

It was in her ability to still find the joy in things, to still be able to laugh despite their situation.

It was how she believed in Thomas, in Aris, in the mountain people, even if she was scared.

‘The rest of us can only wish to be as brave as you,’ he whispered into the night, a silent promise that he’d tell her that sometime.

And with the fluttering in his chest finally easing into a calm warmth, he finally fell asleep.

Everything exploded with chaos as Y/N, Newt, Thomas, and Minho navigated their way through the Right Arm camp as guns fired and explosions went off.

Teresa had betrayed them. Y/N couldn’t believe it when it was revealed in front of everyone, and she still couldn’t believe it as Minho pushed her head down, sheltering her from another explosion. Teresa truly believed WCKD could find a cure, but still at the expanse of Y/N and her friends’ pain. And just when Thomas was going to blow them all sky high, Jorge and Brenda had come in like a saving grace, and that’s when all hell broke loose.

‘This way!’ Thomas yelled over the din, beckoning them behind a weapons container.

However, Minho stopped suddenly and picked up a launcher. Keep going!’ Minho called over his shoulder as he shot at WCKD soldiers around him. ‘I’m right behind you!’

Thomas and Newt reached the container, but Y/N stopped and turned at the sound of a painful cry. ‘Minho!’ she cried as her friend fell, his body convulsing from a launcher shot.

‘Y/N, no!’ Newt called after her, but she was already running back to Minho, grabbing at his jacket to drag him to safety.

But Y/N was not strong like the boys, and certainly not strong enough to move Minho in any hurry. She looked up just in time to see a launcher fire at her, then her body felt like it was on fire.

She was sure she was screaming, but she couldn’t hear anything as the electricity struck every nerve with a vicious bite. After what felt like an eternity of pain, she was granted a moment of peace as her vision went white, then in a flash was swamped by darkness.

Newt’s heart stopped when he saw Y/N shot. She convulsed as Minho had, then collapsed beside their friend unconscious. The second Y/N hit the ground, Newt found his voice again, feelings of anger and desperation clawing their way through every vein in him.

‘Y/N, no!’ His cry came out broken as he made to run to her, but a strong hand gripped the back of his jacket and pulled him back.

‘No, boys,’ Vince shouted over the din, holding both Newt and Thomas back.

‘Let me go!’ Newt protested, struggling against Vince, eyes darting between him and Y/N. ‘I need to help her! Y/N!’

But WCKD soldiers were already picking up Y/N and Minho’s unconscious bodies, dragging their feet through the red dirt and into a berg.

‘I’m sorry, son,’ Vince said, and Newt thought he sounded genuine. But that didn’t stop icy terror gripping tight on his heart as the doors began to close on Y/N, Minho, and other immunes from the Right Arm.

Thomas called for Minho, and Newt called for Y/N, but neither could do anything to help their friends as they were flown away. Back in WCKD’s clutches once again.

When the sun rose, the remaining survivors came out of hiding and began scrounging up supplies. They were moving on, Vince claiming there was nothing they could do but keep going with who and what they had left.

Newt couldn’t accept that, and neither could Thomas apparently, as he claimed he was going after Minho, Y/N and the others. Without hesitation or any further explanation, Newt was the first to sign up and join him.

And so, they went on a quest to rescuing Minho, Y/N, and as many immunes as possible. The train hijack was a huge success with immune numbers, but no Minho and no Y/N. Even so, Newt refused to accept that he’d never see either of them again. Even when they almost got killed by cranks. Even when he, Thomas, Brenda, Frypan, and Jorge were almost blown up by turret guns.

Even when he found out he was infected with the Flare.

He could feel it, his mind slowly slipping away as the Flare ate away at his sanity. He was usually level-headed and rational – it’s part of the reason he became second-in-command in the first place. Guilt and shame ate away at him as he sat on the rooftop of their hideout in the outskirts of the Last City, explaining to Thomas why he just bit his head off about being in love with Teresa.

Not that I’m one to talk, he thought as he rolled down as his sleeve, silence wrapping around him and Thomas comfortably. Newt could feel Thomas didn’t know what to say, and Newt didn’t like long silences so he broke it.

‘The crazy thing, though is…’ Newt started, a soft but sad scoff escaping him, ‘I’m not scared of dying. I used to be, back in the Maze. Because it felt like my friends were dying for no reason, without purpose. But…’ Newt looked over his shoulder, past Thomas, and to the peaking spires of the Last City. To where Y/N was being held somewhere.

‘I have something to die for now,’ Newt said, eyes never wavering from the spires.

Thomas came to sit beside Newt, a sad realisation drawing his brows and lips down. ‘You’re not just talking about Minho, are you?’ he asked.

It was how gentle and matter-of-fact Thomas spoke that had Newt’s chest tightening with fear and an immense pressure he’d been scared, until now, to acknowledge. His throat threatened to close on him as he spoke, rendering his words tight and uncontrolled. ‘I failed to protect her, Tommy,’ he managed to get out. ‘I promised I’d always protect her, and I didn’t.’

It surprised Newt how simultaneously hard and easy it was to speak about his feelings, and now that he had started, the words just flowed.

’She’s just always been there, so I never saw it coming,’ Newt continued, a melancholic smile adorning his lips as he recalls the day he met you, how you helped him with his ankle. How, since then, you’ve always been by his side, growing with him, changing with him, supporting him and everyone else around you.

’Saw what?’ Thomas asked.

‘I never saw that I could have a future after the Maze, after all of this,’ Newt explained. ‘That I would want a future… with Y/N.’ And with that, his tears finally spilled over, the pressure in his chest bursting into sobs that wracked his whole body. Newt was vaguely aware that Thomas was now holding him, and so he wrapped his arms tight around his friend, around his brother.

‘I love her, Tommy,’ Newt whispered over Thomas’ shoulder, his words obscured somewhat by his tears and holding back sobs. ‘And I’m scared I’ll never be able to tell her before I go.’

‘Hey,’ Thomas said, pushing Newt to arm’s length. He kept one hand on Newt’s shoulder and used his other to grip Newt’s neck, forcing their eyes to lock. ‘We’re going to find her – and Minho, and the other immunes. We’re going to get you that serum that helps with the Flare – as much of it as possible – and you’re going to tell her. You’re not dying. No one is dying. You hear me?’

No one could replace Alby, but the way Thomas was taking control of the situation reminded Newt of his old friend. How kind yet stern he could be. How hopeful yet pragmatic he was. It was something familiar that Newt was thankful for. He quickly calmed down, wiped away his tears and nodded at Thomas.

‘Good that,’ Thomas said, a small proud smile gracing his lips at his use of Newt’s common phrase.

Newt couldn’t help a chuckle as well. ‘Good that, indeed,’ he agreed, and followed Thomas back inside the hideout to finalise their plan to get into the WCKD facility.

…and you’re going to tell her. You’re not dying.

There was a nagging voice in the back of Newt’s head that was telling him not to believe Thomas. That Newt was going to die, or worse, turn into a crank and hurt his loved ones. That voice had followed him from the Maze, to the Scorch, and now the Last City. It was the voice that had driven him over the edge of the Maze walls all those years ago. But not anymore.

Newt had to keep hope, just as Y/N had taught him. He just had to be brave.

Y/N sat in the corner of her white-walled cell, hugging her knees to her chest as she rested her head on top. She’d sat there for hours, perhaps days. Y/N lost track of time after her first month in WCKD’s facility.

There were no windows, and the lights never dimmed. She pressed her eyes into her knees in the hopes of downing out the incessant white light. Her eyes ached with sleep deprivation, but she refused to sleep. The nightmares were much worse to deal with, and they always came whenever she closed her eyes.

Images of her friends dying in the Maze and the Scorch, of Grievers chasing her, of her friends turning into cranks and attacking her. Images fed to her by WCKD.

She knew they weren’t real, but she could never wake herself up in time to escape them. So, she stayed awake, knowing that she’ll have no choice but to face her nightmares when the doctors and scientists come to test on her again.

Y/N shivered at the thought of seeing another needle, of seeing her blood drained from her while WCKD turned her mind against her. When will it be enough? She might’ve lost track of time, but Y/N knew she’d been in the facility for a while now. If they hadn’t found anything by now, something told Y/N that nothing she gave would ever be enough. That included her life.

She knew Thomas and Newt would be dumb enough to come after her and Minho – that’s just the kind of people they were. Her heart ached at the thought that their efforts would be in vain.

Y/N hadn’t seen Minho since they arrived, having been separated from each other and the other immunes. Something about how they were the most promising subjects, she overheard from a scientist one time. Y/N didn’t know if Minho was alive, and if he was, what condition he was in.

But Minho was strong, the strongest of all the Gladers in Y/N’s opinion. If he was being tortured like her, he would be able to hold on. Y/N highly doubted she would last much longer.

The rest of us can only hope to be as brave as you…

Y/N wasn’t sure if Newt knew she was actually awake that first night in the Scorch, but she’d heard him, his words so soft she thought she’d dreamt it at first. But it had been real; Newt thought she was brave.

She was too dehydrated to produce tears, but an ugly sob desperately tried to escape her aching chest. She bit her lips instead, hard enough to draw a little blood, and the sob died out, leaving her body quiet except for her mind.

I’m sorry Newt, but I am not brave.

Even so, Y/N refused to crumble to WCKD anymore. They’d taken everything from her. Her life, her memories, her loved ones, her friends. Even her hope – something she so naively believed no one could take from her. They would not take her dignity.

She raised her head at the sound of her cell door unlocking, blinking a few times as bright light flooded her vision once more. Two WCKD soldiers and two scientists stood by the door, and Y/N spied a gurney just behind them.

One of the scientists – young male, maybe in his early twenties – stepped forward. ‘Time for more testing, Y/N,’ he said in a cold tone. But he had the sense to look sympathetic as his eyes roamed over Y/N as she stood up, showing how pale her S/C skin had become, how dark the circles beneath her eyes were, how the cargo pants and grey t-shirt hung off her in areas where she used to fill.

Y/N knew it was useless, but still she ran for the door, pushing past the scientists with ease despite her weakened state. However, she hit the soldiers like a brick wall, unable to fight against them as they restrained her arms and pressed her against the wall. The male scientist recovered quickly and injected her with a serum that made her drowsy enough that she wasn’t in control of her body. She was conscious as the soldiers strapped her to the gurney and the four of them wheeled her down corridor after corridor, and all she could do was watch fluorescent lights pass her by as she stared at the ceiling.

Soon enough, she was in a familiar room: the test lab.

‘It hasn’t been that long since we last tested her,’ the other scientist – a female, about the same age as her co-worker – said, her words laced with worry. ‘We put her under again, we risk losing her for good this time.’

‘I didn’t make the call,’ the male said as he continued to set up equipment around Y/N. ‘When Janson says he wants a cure, I don’t question him. Do you?’

The female didn’t answer, switching her focus to helping her co-worker. Y/N could slowly feel the serum wearing off – it was obviously only a light dose, the scientists knowing they’d put her under when they began testing.

But just as they unstrapped her to move her to the nightmare simulator, the room shook, sending Y/N rolling to the ground as glass and steel broke around her.

Sounds were muffled briefly and her vision blurred in and out of focus. She couldn’t hear what exactly the soldiers were shouting, but she saw them run out of the room alongside other soldiers. That just left her and the scientists.

Y/N flexed her fingers, the serum completely wearing off. Before she could stand though, two hands roughly grabbed her arms and hauled her to her feet. ‘Come on, Y/N,’ the male scientist said, pushing her towards the machine. ‘Just one more trip under…’

Fear electrified Y/N’s every nerve. No, not again. With a desperate cry, she shoved the male into the utensils table, sending him and the tools scattering across the ground. Before he could get up, Y/N straddled his upper body and slammed his arms into the ground.

‘Get off me!’ he yelled, struggling violently beneath Y/N. He managed to twist them both around until she was the one pinned to the ground. Y/N struggled but to no avail. She was significantly weaker than she was when she was first captured and he knew that.

‘You little brat,’ he spat in her face. ‘Ungrateful, selfish immunes. Your duty is to save us all! You–’

He was cut off when he suddenly went slack, falling unconscious on top of Y/N. She scrambled out from underneath him, then looked up from the floor to find the female scientist with a syringe in her hand. She looked between her unconscious co-worker then Y/N, a scared and disbelieving expression morphing her delicate features.

‘Go,’ the scientist finally said, her voice shaky, but the resolve in her eyes told Y/N that she wouldn’t chase after her. The room – no, the whole building – shook again, and when Y/N looked out the window, she realised why.

The city outside was on fire. Buildings crumbled, and Y/n could hear the screams and cries of civilians through the broken windows. The scientist wouldn’t chase her because there was no point.

This was the end.

‘Go!’ The scientist insisted, and Y/N didn’t think twice. She picked herself up, ignoring the cuts and scraps of glass it caused her, and ran out of the room.

She ran into the corridor, ignoring the cries of soldiers and other scientists who recognised her as a subject. She didn’t know where she was going, but this was the most freedom she’d had in forever.

Then a thought came to her – Minho. She had to find him, he surely had to be alive. She would run through every floor if she had to to find him. So she ran, looking into every test lab, every storage closest, every break room on the floor.

‘Minho!’ she cried, uncaring at this point if someone heard her. She just wanted to find him. She didn’t want to die without a familiar face with her. ‘Minho, where are you?’

She rounded a corner, right into the chest of a WCKD soldier. He was caught by surprise, giving Y/N an opportunity to slam him into the wall. It was like her fear was giving her a boost of strength, as she kneed him in the groin, sending him to the ground. He dropped the pistol he was holding, and she quickly picked it up and smacked the butt over the back of his head. He fell to the floor in one last scuffle and laid unmoving as Y/N sucked in deep breaths.

‘Y/N?’

She whirled around at the familiar call of her name, only to find three other people had entered the corridor. Thomas, Minho, and Newt. Her eyes scanned over them all, heart aching with an intense relief it threatened to crush her chest. ‘Guys?’ Her voice was hoarse with disuse and exhaustion. She was surprised she even had a voice after all her screaming.

Newt stepped forward, a relieved smile gracing his lips. ‘Yeah, love,’ he said, sounding on the verge of tears. ‘It’s us.’

Y/N’s first instinct was to run into his arms, the only place she’d felt since leaving the Maze. But she took a closer look at him. He was paler than when she last saw him, almost sickly with how dark the circles under his eyes were. Crank.

She pointed the pistol at her friends, causing them to raise their hands in shock. ‘Whoa, Y/N, it’s us!’ Thomas exclaimed.

‘No,’ she said, her voice cracking ever so slightly. ‘How do I know I’m not in that simulator again? How do I know this isn’t just another test, another trial?’

‘What are you talking about, Y/N?’ Newt asked, worry crinkling his brow.

’She doesn’t trust her mind,’ Minho said, as if in explanation. ‘Boy, they really did a number on her…’

‘Shut up!’ Y/N unlocked the safety and pointed the gun at Minho. ‘You’re just trying to trick me. Make me think everything is all right. But it’s just a lie. You’re not here. You’re not here…’

Newt stepped into the firing line. ‘We are here, love. I promise, we’re really here.’

‘Newt…’ Thomas warned, but Newt remained, eyes locked on Y/N’s.

Y/N couldn’t look away from Newt. He sounded so genuine, so much more real than previous simulations. But WCKD couldn’t be trusted, and they were wearing soldier uniforms…

Her hands shook but her voice was strong. ‘Prove it,’ she said. ’Tell me something only the real Newt would know.’

Newt swallowed thickly. ‘Okay, um… You cut yourself when you tried out being a Slicer and had to have Clint and Jeff fix you up. That’s when you thought being a Medjack would be a good idea.’

‘WCKD was watching us the whole time. They would’ve seen that,’ she countered, using both hands to grip the gun.

‘Okay, okay,’ Newt said, looking away a moment to think of something else. When he finally looked back at her, he was calm once more, eyes genuine and sincere. ‘How about how I jumped off the walls of the Maze in an attempt to kill myself?’

The world around the four of them seemed to freeze, as if the world wasn’t collapsing outside. To Y/N’s knowledge, Newt had never told anyone the truth of what happened that day. It was the shocked and tragic expressions on both Minho and Thomas’ faces respectively that had Y/N loosening her grip on the gun slightly.

Newt took a small step closer, eyes never straying from her. ‘I had lost all hope of getting out of that bloody maze. So I did the one thing I could do to control the situation. But I failed.’ He stepped closer again. ‘I was embarrassed, ashamed. I was just a coward. But you healed me and told me something I will never forget. I have held onto it like a lifeline through the Maze, through the Scorch, and all the time I was looking for you.’

He took one final step towards her, unfazed at how the gun pressed hard against his chest. Now that he was so close, Y/N saw just how sick he was. He looked like the early stage victims of the Flare they’d seen in the decrepit city they’d lost Brenda and Thomas in temporarily. And while Y/N refused to believe Newt – her beloved, sweet Newt – was infected, his eyes were the same as always. Open, honest, and truthful.

‘The rest of us can only hope to be as brave as you.’

It wasn’t the fact that he knew the exact words – again, WCKD had cameras everywhere in that Maze, they would’ve heard it. It was instead the emotion tied to the words. She felt them, felt the lifeline they’d created for him in his darkest moment. He wasn’t lying, and that meant he was real.

Finally, she allowed the sob to break free as she dropped the gun and threw her arms around Newt’s neck. He breathed out in relief, bringing her closer to his chest, face pressed into her H/C hair.

‘It’s really you,’ she whimpered, grasping tighter to the person she’s always been able to rely on. The person who has always protected her and brought out the best in her. Her closest friend, her safety net, her home.

‘It is, love,’ he said into her hair, breathing her in deeply. ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you before.’

‘It’s okay,’ she said, pulling away to look up at him then to the other two. ‘I can’t believe you came after us.’

‘I know right,’ Minho said, punching Thomas’ arm lightly. ‘Dumb shanks.’

‘You can berate us later,’ Thomas said, rubbing his arm. ‘Right now, we’ve got to get out of here before Lawrence brings down the whole city.’

Y/N went to ask what he meant but gripped onto Newt instead as the building shook again.

‘Come on, let’s go,’ Newt said, grabbing Y/N’s hand with one hand, and holding a launcher in the other. Together, the four of them ran to escape WCKD once and for all.

‘Brenda!’

Y/N didn’t care about the rain of bullets and walls of fire around her as she ran for the berg. After hearing Teresa’s broadcast, she needed to get the cure back to Newt fast. Leaving him was one of the hardest things she has had to do. He wasn’t in great condition, but Thomas insisted that he’d take care of Newt. But the medicine Thomas had given Brenda all those months ago didn’t just buy her time, it had cured her completely. It could do the same for Newt.

If she could make it in time.

‘Brenda!’ Y/N cried as she spotted her friend. ‘The cure! I need the cure!’

Brenda understood, immediately retrieving one of the extra capsules Mary had made from Thomas’ blood before WCKD raided the camp. ‘Here,’ she said, passing over the injector.

‘Thanks!’ Y/N said, already sprinting back into the war zone before anyone could stop her.

She could feel it, the exhaustion, the strain she was putting her body under. Underfed and under trained, she was struggling. But she refused to stop. Newt had come all this way to find her, risked his life to get her out of WCKD’s clutches when he could’ve been administered the temporary cure and been safe on the berg already. No, Y/N refused to let him die without trying.

Minho, Brenda, Frypan, and Gally – Y/N was still shocked about that revelation, but that was for another time to discuss - followed around her, covering her with guns and other weapons as they ran through the war zone.

After an eternity of running, the group rounded a corner to find a sight that made Y/N feel like she was back in the nightmare simulator. Newt was leaning over Thomas with a knife aimed at his chest.

‘Newt, no!’ Y/N cried, running towards the two boys without thought.

Newt faced her at the call of his name, and she froze as she saw his black eyes. Dark veins branched over his skin and black blood dribbled from his chin. He was a full-blown crank now.

He raced at her, snarling as he swung the knife at her throat. She ducked just in time and rolled away as he slammed the knife down where her neck was. She quickly jumped to her feet, and despite her fatigue, muscle memory took over her legs, then her hands. That first night in the Scorch came to mind, how her and Newt sparred. The injector was her knife, and Newt her proper opponent.

‘Newt, it’s me,’ she said, slipping into her Medjack demeanour – calm and steady. ‘It’s Y/N. Please, snap out of it for a moment so I can help you.’

She thought he would run at her again, but his brows crinkled with concern and he looked at the knife in his shaky hands. He looked back at her, and the voice he spoke with broke her heart. It was a mixture of his sweet accent and a gargled croak where blood clogged his throat.

‘Y/N…’ he started. ‘Run away… Before… Before I kill you.’

The scene reminded her of the time he came in with his injured ankle. How desperate he was to fade into nothing because he was scared and ashamed of what he’d done. But just like then, she refused to be scared of him.

Y/N shook her head. ‘I’m not leaving you, Newt,’ she said. ‘None of us will.’

Newt seemed to realise there were more people than just her and Thomas, turning around to see the others. The sight of them seemed to distress him, though, as he snarled angrily and charged at her. She shuffled back as he swung at her again and again, but as she stepped back again, she tripped on something. She fell onto her back, knocking the air out of her lungs. Before she could gather herself up, Newt was on her, straddling her similar to how he had Thomas pinned before. Newt raised the knife to bring down on her but was tackled by Thomas.

They rolled for a little, then scrambled to their feet as they fought once more. This was Y/N’s only chance. She pushed herself up and ran for the boys, injector at the ready. Newt was bringing the knife forward in a wide arc that would gut Thomas when Y/N threw herself in between them, slamming the injector into Newt’s arm.

Right as his drove the knife into her stomach.

‘Y/N!’

She wasn’t sure who called her name, because all she could focus on was Newt as some of the blackness in his eyes cleared and she saw some of his gorgeous brown eyes. She also felt her body finally giving up. As if it knew that this was the end. After all the torture and pain, she had stayed alive so long for one reason. To save Newt – the boy who had been there from the start. So much so she hadn’t realised until he wasn’t there how much he meant to her. How he’d wormed his way into her heart and consumed it without her even knowing.

She gripped his hand that held the knife in her stomach, unfurled his fingers from the handle, and brought them to her chest where her heart was slowly slowing down. Her weak legs gave out, and she brought Newt down to his knees with her. She could’ve been imagining things, but she swore she saw recognition in his half-black eyes which made her smile as tears finally fell from her eyes.

‘It’s okay, Newt,’ she whispered. ‘It’s okay because… I love you.’

Her vision blurred and she finally let go of Newt as the both of them collapsed to the ground. Her breaths were short and sharp as the pain made itself known. A rush of feet thumped around her, and she had the slightest awareness that someone was moving her, but she didn’t care. She was finally at peace as darkness, at last, consumed her.

Y/N woke to the sound of waves rolling over on sand. The first thing she saw was grey canvas, then rolled her head around to see she was lying on a cot in a small tent with tables and medical supplies similar to how her Medjack hut looked. But she wasn’t alone.

‘Oh my God.’ Brenda’s face came into focus as the girl crouched by Y/N’s cot, disbelief and relief morphing her gentle features. ‘You’re awake! You’re finally awake!’

‘Ow,’ Y/N clasped at her head at the sudden loudness. ‘Could you lower your voice please?’

‘Yes, right, sorry,’ Brenda said, but her lips split in a bright smile as she helped Y/N sit up. ‘I’m just so happy you’re okay.’

‘What happened?’ Y/N asked, all she remembered was being stabbed then falling unconscious. She pulled up her fresh linen shirt to see her wound bandaged. ‘I thought I was done for.’

‘So did all of us,’ Brenda admitted, her tone sombre as she pulled up a seat beside the cot. ‘We got you to the berg as quickly as possible and Vince got you stable, but you just weren’t waking up. It’s been a week.’

‘A week?’ Y/N made to get up but sat back down as her wound pulled in an unpleasant way.

‘Whoa, where do you think you’re going?’ Brenda asked stabilising Y/N back in her bed. ‘You’ve just come out of a coma induced by physical and mental torture. Not to mention you were stabbed.’

‘I’m fine. Trust me, I’m trained… somewhat,’ Y/N said, this time able to swing her legs over the side of her cot. Brenda didn’t try and stop her, but she did have to help Y/N when she stood. ‘Now, where is Newt?’ Brenda didn’t answer right away, and tears threatened to pool in Y/N’s eyes at what her silence could mean. ‘Brenda… Is he… Is he alive?’

Brenda, again, didn’t answer, and her face didn’t give anything away either. Instead, she just held back the flap of the tent and motioned for Y/N to exit. Y/N took cautious steps forward as she followed Brenda into a completely new place that had her staring in awe.

It was a bustling camp where sleeping quarters and other spaces were mapped out by canvas strung up on carved wood pillars and posts. Y/N spied a kitchen area where she swore she heard Frypan laughing with some others.

There was a gathering area where a giant stone stood in front of the seats. There were names carved into it, like what they used to do in the Glade. Y/N tried to make out if a certain blonde’s name was on it. She caught familiar names like Alby and Chuck, Clint and Jeff.

‘Y/N?’

She swung around to find Brenda smiling as she was joined by Thomas, Minho, and Jorge. The three of them ran at her, arms wide open to capture her in a hug.

‘You crazy shank, Minho said, laughter on his lips. ‘Look who finally decided to join the living again.’

‘And here I thought I was the lazy slinthead for sleeping for so long,’ Thomas said jokingly, pulling Y/N in for another hug. ’I’m so relieved.’

‘Welcome back, hermana,’ Jorge said, a warm smile gracing his lips as he gave her a comforting pat on the shoulder.

‘Good to be back,’ Y/N replied, smiling at the three males. ‘What happened after I thought I’d died?’

Thomas went to reply, but Minho cut in. ‘We’ll explain later. Right now, I think you should go say hi to someone else.’

Confused, Y/N followed Minho’s gaze to Brenda, who stood atop a hill and was staring over the other side of it. Y/N quickly reached Brenda’s position and followed her gaze to a large garden that people were working on. But her breath caught at the sight of a familiar blond at the edge of the gardens talking and pointing in all directions to people.

‘Hey, Newt!’ Brenda called out, causing the blond to turn around and look up. At first, he saw Brenda, but his gaze soon fell on Y/N and his whole face changed into disbelief.

With the other gardeners forgotten, he started climbing up the hill, and Y/N couldn’t wait another moment so she started walking down the hill.

They met in the middle, with Y/N standing at Newt’s height on the uphill. Neither said anything to begin with, both in disbelief and awe at who stood in front of them. Y/N looked over Newt, noting he still looked pale and somewhat sickly. But the dark veins were gone, as was the black blood and his black eyes. And the sun shone so brightly that his hair looked golden. It was as if he was never infected to begin with.

With a shaky hand, she reached out to rest her hand over his beating heart. ‘You’re alive,’ she whispered, too scared to voice it too loudly in case this was also another nightmare.

But he proved her doubts wrong as he rested his own hand on top of hers. ‘I am,’ he said, and the usual warmth of his voice truly convinced her he was real.

His face pinched suddenly with concern and guilt. ‘I’m so sorry, Y/N,’ he said, his hand tightening slightly over hers. ‘I hurt you. I almost…’

‘It’s okay,’ she interrupted, using her free hand to cradle is cheek and keep his eyes on her. ‘You didn’t. I am here, too. Looks like we both saved each other.’

To her relief Newt smiled. It was a genuine, happy smile, something she hadn’t seen on him in a long time. He nuzzled into her hand briefly, before bringing it down with his free hand so he held her hands between them.

‘Before I passed out,’ he started, ‘I remember you saying something.’

‘Oh.’ A blush heated upon her cheeks, but she refused to look away from him. ‘Right. I did say something.’

She was trying to play it cool, but as soon as his deep brown eyes fixed on her, she knew he could see right through her. But he didn’t smile smugly, he didn’t tease. He actually looked scared as his jaw clenched, fighting to find the next words to speak.

‘You said you love me,’ he finally said, words tight but hopeful. ‘Is that true?’

Y/N’s mouth dried up suddenly, constricted by all the things she wished to say but couldn’t say all at once. It’s not like she was scared, she just never thought she would live long enough to have a future, let alone one with love. One with Newt.

But she had – she had survived WCKD’s cruelty, she had survived the terrors of the old world, she had survived when so many of her friends hadn’t. And it was her duty to live her gift of a life to the fullest.

‘Yes,’ she finally said, and it was like breathing in fresh air after being underground for so long. ‘I love you, Newt. I don’t know when or how it happened, but I do. I love you.’

There was a second of hesitation, but then Newt broke out into a wide smile, and Y/N swore she saw tears brim in his eyes. He suddenly reached one hand up to cradle her neck as he pulled Y/N in for a sweet kiss that simultaneously knocked the air out of her and breathed new life into her. He held her neck and hip, and she pressed her hands against his chest, satisfied to feel his heart thundering beneath her hands. The heart that almost never beat again, the heart that had saved her over and over again.

The kiss was short but was no less breath-taking, and when they pulled apart neither could stop the smiles on their faces.

‘I love you, too,’ Newt said. ‘If that wasn’t already obvious.’

Y/N threw her head back in a hearty laugh. She slung her arms around Newt’s neck, a cheeky grin dancing across her lips. ‘I’m not so sure. Maybe we could try that again to make sure?’

‘Cheeky bugger,’ he murmured as he pressed his lips to hers again. Y/N sighed into the kiss, grasping the baby hairs at the base of his head.

They pulled apart at the sound of their friends whooping and clapping atop the hill. Y/N felt her face erupt with embarrassed heat, to which Newt laughed as she ducked her head into his chest.

‘All right, come on lovebirds!’ Minho called out. ‘Dinner’s almost ready.’

As they walked down out of sight, Y/N went to follow but was stopped by a loose grip on her wrist.

‘What is it?’ she asked as she turned back to Newt.

‘I just…’ Newt turned to the gardens below, then to the water, then to the sunset that bathed the whole camp in beautiful hues of orange, pink and purple. When he finally turned back to Y/N, she thought he couldn’t look any more handsome with that pure sunshine smile and sparkle in his eyes. ‘Thanks.’

‘For what?’ she asked.

‘For teaching me how to be brave,’ he answered.

Y/N gave his hand a squeeze. ‘You were always brave, Newt,’ she said. ‘It’s how I learned how to be brave in the first place.’

Newt squeezed her hand in return, then they walked hand in hand back up the hill and down to dinner to where their friend awaited them.

Where the lives they never imagined they’d get a chance to live awaited them.

#maze runner newt x reader #newt x reader #tmr newt x reader #maze runner imagines #maze runner x reader #the maze runner #minho #tmr frypan #tmr thomas #tmr minho #tmr newt #tmr gally #tmr brenda #tmr jorge #the death cure #the scorch trials #romance #angst #friends to lovers

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enchxanting · 1 year

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our love is god [ethan landry] pt. 5

read part 4 here || all parts

pairing: ethan landry x fem!reader

warnings: major character death, depictions of murder/suicide

a/n: okay here we get to see the toxic psycho behavior start to come out! this part is so different from the last that it gave me whiplash to write. n e ways hope you like

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Even before I turn over, I can feel Ethan’s eyes on me.

He grins. “Hey, good morning,”

“Hi,” I say, sitting up against the backboard. “Have you been up very long?” I check the alarm. It’s relatively early still, only 8:15.

“No, no,” he says. “I just didn’t want to wake you. You looked so peaceful.”

There’s an awkward tension between us, neither quite knowing what to do now. Eventually, Ethan clears his throat. “So I, uh, I had a really special time with you last night, and I kinda want to keep hanging out? If you want to, I mean.”

“You mean like, go on some dates?”

“Um, yeah? If that’s cool?”

I don’t know if he’s ever asked a girl out before because he absolutely cannot look me in the eye, but his expression is so sweet that I lean over and gently kiss him.

“That would be great.”

He smiles, and I almost lose myself in this moment, until I remember the rest of last night.

“Shit, shit, shit,” I say, untangling myself from his arms. “I gotta go see Tara.”

Ethan frowns. “Wait, why?”

“I have to apologize. She’s all alone right now, Sam left last night.”

“I don’t see why it’s your job to tell her you’re sorry, though,” he says. “She literally slapped you.”

I pull on some discarded jeans and a t-shirt. “It’s more complicated than that,” I sigh. “I don’t want this to become a big thing. Easier to just apologize now, you know?”

He gets up and wraps me in his arms, resting his chin on my shoulder. “Alright. At least let me drive you? It’s too far to walk right now.”

I know that it’s a bad idea to bring Ethan, but the feeling of his arms around me and the faded scent of his cologne is intoxicating. I can’t help but be persuaded.

“Fine, okay,” I say. “Thank you.”

He gives me one more quick kiss on the neck before pulling away to get dressed.

***

Usually, the drive to Tara’s is ten minutes long. Thanks to Ethan’s driving habits, we make it in five.

Pulling up to the house, a wave of nausea and jitters passes through my body. I’m considering turning around until Ethan takes my hand in his. The non-verbal reassurance calms me down, and we walk into the house together.

I’m surprised to find that the door is slightly ajar, deadbolts forgotten without Sam in the house. I know that she’s still gone– her car is missing from the driveway– but my theory is confirmed when I find a note on the kitchen table:

At gmas. Don’t text. Call when you can have a real conversation -Sam.

“That’s brutal,” Ethan whistles.

“Yeah.” I remember how Sam looked at all of us last night, and it sends chills down my spine. I push it away. “I think I should bring her something.”

Ethan laughs. “Don’t you think that’s over the top?”

I roll my eyes at him. “Oh, whatever. I just want this to work.”

Opening the fridge, I find a bottle of orange juice that Tara once mentioned was her favorite. “Hey, that’ll work.”

Ethan grabs a ceramic cup from the cabinet and hands it to me. “How about making it special? Got any mixers?”

“Like Sam keeps any alcohol in this house,” I scoff, pouring the juice into the cup. “Plus, a mimosa isn’t the best hangover cure.”

“I don’t know… I was thinking something more like this.” He reaches underneath the kitchen sink, pulling out a bottle of drain cleaner.

I laugh, thinking he's kidding, but he doesn’t crack a smile or put the bottle away. “Come on,” he continues, pulling out an identical cup. “She’ll puke her guts out and you’ll get a little revenge before you apologize.”

He pours in blue liquid and mixes it with equal parts orange juice. I can’t lie, I’m a little horrified. “Don’t be a dick, Ethan, that stuff could kill her.”

He pauses for a second, and I can’t read his expression before his face softens. “You’re right, Y/N. I’m sorry. I didn’t think about that.”

He leans in and kisses me unexpectedly, and even though I’m still weirded out by his suggestion, I melt into him, letting the moment take me.

“Is okay,” I mumble into his mouth. “We gotta go. She’s probably waking up now.”

Without looking, I grab the cup from the table, distracted by Ethan’s eyes raking over me. It feels good to be wanted like this. I smirk at him and turn on my heels.

He follows me up the stairs, and together we approach Tara’s door. I know she’s in there by the sound of her sleep music playing softly, even though it’s past 9:00 at this point. Tara’s usually an early riser, but I’m willing to bet that the hangover is preventing her from starting her day.

Out of courtesy, I knock gently on her door. “Tara? Are you in there?”

No reply. Not wanting to give up, I turn the knob and let myself in. She’s laying in her bed, facing away from us. “Hey, Tara?”

Tara turns over, and I can tell she’s not happy to see me. “What are you doing here, Y/N? And with… Ethan?”

Even though she’s trying to ice me out, she’s clearly interested in whatever happened between us. I clear my throat. “Yeah. Listen, Tara, I know both of us said a lot of stuff we didn’t mean last night–”

“Did we?” she interrupts. “I don’t know, you seemed pretty fucking sure of yourself when you got in the middle of my family business.”

Her words hurt, and I can feel Ethan shift uncomfortably behind me. “I know. Can we just forget about it?”

I hold out the cup and she eyes me suspiciously. “What, did you spit in this or something?”

“Jesus, Tara, no,” I sigh. “I came to say sorry or whatever. You said it’s your favorite.”

This seems to persuade her. She takes the cup from me, sitting up in her bed. “If this makes me feel better, I’ll consider accepting your apology.”

This makes me smile slightly, and I can see a glint in her eye that tells me she might not be as mad anymore. She lifts the cup to her lips and drinks, and I relax a little, thankful she accepted my peace offering.

But something is wrong. Really, really wrong.

As soon as she swallows, her face scrunches up. She drops the cup, spilling the contents on her comforter.

“Tara?” I say, “What’s going on?”

She’s hacking now, and I see her start to convulse. I’m full-on panicking now. “Oh my god, Ethan, call 911!”

He’s completely checked out, watching Tara choke. “Fuck, Ethan, just do it!” I scream.

This seems to wake him up, and he grabs his phone from his back pocket. “Jesus, it’s fucking dead!”

This can’t be happening. I take her head in my lap, trying to elevate it so she doesn’t choke, but there’s no use. Tara wheezes and wheezes, then suddenly goes still, blood starting to trickle from her mouth.

I’m frozen. I can’t do anything but stare slack-jawed at Tara’s gaunt face in my lap.

Then it hits me, and I start screaming.

“Oh my god! Fuck, fuck, how could this happen, how could we kill–”

Ethan suddenly slaps his hand over my mouth, frighteningly out of character for him.

“Y/N, stop, please, stop! Someone’s going to hear.” He retracts his hand, and I feel my eyes welling with tears. I’m shaking.

“Jesus Christ,” I say. “I just killed my best friend.”

We sit in silence for a second until the reality of the situation dawns on me. “Holy fuck, what are we going to tell the cops?”

I can see the cogs in his brain turning, and he stumbles around the room. Suddenly, Ethan stops and picks up a copy of The Bell Jar from Tara’s desk.

“Okay. Now, we did a murder, and that's a crime. But, if this were like a suicide thing…”

“A suicide thing?” I don’t follow.

“I mean, you can do Tara’s handwriting just as well as your own, right?”

I suddenly understand what he’s asking me to do, and the thought makes me sick. But we have no other option.

I gently lift Tara’s head off of my lap so I can get up and rip out a piece of paper from her half-full history notebook. “Fuck, what do I say?”

Ethan thinks for a second. “We have to tie it back to last year. Make sure to talk about her fight with Sam last night.

It feels impossible, but I force myself to start writing.

Dear world,

You might think what I’ve done is shocking. To me, though, suicide is the obvious answer to the impossible challenge life has given me.

Though Richie Kirsch and Amber Freeman did not kill me last year, they stole something much more valuable– my will to live.

The absence of my father and sister, the deaths of some of my closest friends, and then the departure of my mother, all combined, made me realize that there is no one left who really knows me, no one who really cares.

I can’t live like this any longer, alone and afraid of an enemy who isn’t there. I died knowing that there was no other option for me. I hope you can understand.

Tara

By the time I’m done, I’m shaking so hard that I drop the pen. The page is stained with my tears, but there’s no time to rewrite it.

I collapse on the ground, and Ethan wraps his arms around me. “I know, I know,” he says. “It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.”

taglist: @miawastakens

#ethan landry #ethan landry fanfiction #scream 2023 #scream 6 #ethan landry x reader #ethan landry x y/n #heathers #heathers au #high school au #jack champion #scream vi #scream fanfic #scream 6 fanfic

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yelenasdiary · 5 months

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I hate that I am making this post but I am simply making it for the others to be aware of this particular person.

Below the cut there are mentions of suicide, nothing explicit but just a heads up x

Please know I am not making this to humiliate this person or cause them any harm, this is simply for others to be aware and to be able to lookout for themselves!

I’m not 100% confident on their name but they have used Alice before, but again, can’t confirm if this is actually their name. But I can confirm that the person I’m talking about has in fact done the same thing to another person & I can only imagine there are others.

This person gets a kick out of seeking help from others. They will tell you how sad and depressed they are, they will send you detailed messages on how they want to hurt themselves or how they have currently hurt themselves then suddenly stop replying, leaving you to worry and hope they are okay.

They’ll return a day or so later and apologise over and over how it wasn’t fair for them to put that on you and within minutes the conversation will shift and return to how depressed they are etc.

I started talking to this person around late March, I noticed rather quickly how odd I thought it was that they would message me around the same time every night. Thursday & Friday nights around 9-10pm, sometimes on a Saturday. They would then deactivate their blog out of nowhere or without a word and come back a week later acting like a different person but the story and detailed messages were the same.

Eventually they deactivated once again and I didn’t hear from them for a few months then 2-3 months ago I received an anonymous ask stating they were going to take their life and so on. I could tell this was the same person from the detailed information in the ask and decided to ignore it and reply to another ask of theirs asking them to kindly leave me alone. I blocked them and the next day I received asks saying that I had killed a girl.

“She reached out to you and you ignored her” etc etc. Of course I didn’t believe this at all so I blocked and deleted the asks. This person has shown me before how quickly they can become angry if things don’t go their way. They got upset with me once because I didn’t agree with them on their opinions on the police force and how they handle at risk people.

Then last week on Tuesday night, after I finished work I saw I had a spam or asks on my side blog (sokoviansecret) saying they hated me and what not, at first I didn’t think it was the same person and just another troll but the more asks I read after replying to 2 of them I knew it was them.

I told them that I wasn’t buying into their behaviour and to call a helpline if they seriously need help. On Wednesday night I came home from work to a spam of 20+ asks from 6:30pm to 7:45pm saying how a “Sydney girl was found dead by family” and that messages between me and then had “leaked” and that it was my fault that they “took” their life.

This is the second time this person has done this to me. So I again, told them I wasn’t stupid and I knew that they were not dead that they need to stop using this as a way to gain attention. I also mentioned that if they didn’t leave me alone for good I would take things further. I blocked them once again and I didn’t hear anything until the other night when somebody reached out to me with a screenshot of an ask another blog received.

“Yelenasdiary killed a girl

She had an OD she’s dead”

This is where I gave up. This person is now trying to tell people I am responsible for the death of somebody who isn’t even dead. Unfortunately I am not the only person this has happened too. I’ve had another person reach to me and tell me their experience and they confirmed the one of the blogs they were contacted from is the same blog I was contacted from.

The blog is now deactivated but if you ever spoke to a blog under the names: introvertedmoths, wandamaximoffspuppup or hellhoundskiss please know that everything they said was nothing but a lie. These are the 3 blogs that I currently know of and unfortunately I don’t know what their current blog is.

This person lies and abuses your trust. I never ever want anybody to feel the pain and suffering I do so of course I wanted to help and be somebody they could count on to be there for them but when I noticed it was all for their benefit, for the attention, I had to stop. They’re made because I stopped, because I don’t believe a single word they say.

If this person sounds familiar to you or you think you’ve experienced this person, please don’t let their behaviour have any effect on you! They are a sick individual person who needs help, help we can no provide.

Please be safe and look after yourself & others.

I’m sorry again to make such a long post but it seems tumblr won’t do anything and I refuse to let this person make me out to be a cruel individual.

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larathia · 2 years

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TBHK Analysis: Ch. 91

Oh. My. Gods.

Yeah, that was my first reaction on seeing this chapter, and I pretty much kept repeating it all the way to the end. There is SO MUCH going on here. So much I mostly did not see coming and a few things that maybe I did but I'm still not sure about, so let's unpack!

Six:

* Natsuhiko only says he wanted to 'capture' Six. It's possible Six still is not actually dead, just incapacitated. Nobody ate anybody's heart yet, anyway.

* Also worth noting: Natsuhiko, and thus presumably also Tsukasa, wanted the supernaturals to go berserk in the mortal realm.

* WHERE IS HANAKO'S SECOND HAKUJOUDAI? - No, I don't know, but I'm going to keep watching for it until it happens to resurface or Hanako explains where it went. Cos it isn't here.

Yashiro and Hanako:

* I want to state at the outset that when Yashiro says yeah, she's fine with dying here, the focus is on Hanako's expression. That is not a happy expression. That is a muted oh. shit. expression. And since he segues from that directly into his Ultra Chirpy mode, it's safe to say he is not revealing a lot of what he really thinks or feels at that time.

* "So, it's too late for you to return to the living world."

I've gone back and forth on this. It sounds like Hanako is saying Yashiro is now dead. But...I dunno. The way he says this - the way he then goes immediately to 'and now you'll either be pulled to the far shore or you'll have to become a supernatural'...he's not saying this like it's a given. The way he's saying it reminds me of, say, a parent whose little toddler has, in a tantrum, said 'I'm running away from home because you're mean!' and responds with something like, "Oh? Well, I guess I can give your room to your little brother now", or "I guess I don't need to fix dinner for you". It doesn't feel like Hanako, here, is saying this is what now must be so much as he's trying to make Yashiro ...at the very least, not choose to die.

* "If things got messy, that being may no longer be called 'Yashiro Nene'."

...Look. I get that Hanako's intent here was to get Yashiro to focus on living longer, but I have to consider the source here. The supernatural called 'Hanako' has a lot of differences from the mortal boy 'Amane Yugi'. Amane Yugi was sullen, withdrawn, interested pretty much entirely in his own world and little else. And yeah, a lot of that was probably because he was being badly bullied by someone, but still. There are a lot of ways that Hanako just...isn't Amane Yugi. And don't even get me started on Tsukasa, because we have so very little to go on with regard to Tsukasa. What I'm trying to get at here is...maybe we should see that sentence and hear a warning.

* I just want to add, though...that Hanako legitimately scares Yashiro with this little speech. He scares her, and she tries hard to reject it...and he basically tells her that that childish optimism is something he loves about her.

Hanako and Tsukasa:

* We're right back to OH MY GODS.

* "Even though you gave up and took the easy way out."

Tsukasa confirms for us what we've pretty much been guessing for a very long time; Hanako died by suicide.

* Let's poke for a second - just a second - at Tsukasa's sudden presence. We know that it's not because of Six, because Hanako and Yashiro are quite a ways away from Six at this point. But Tsukasa 'always comes when someone makes a wish from the heart'. It's entirely possible he came in answer to Hanako's desire to see Yashiro live...but Yashiro is now a 'cusp' figure, neither quite alive nor quite dead. It's entirely possible that Hanako's little speech meant Yashiro's heart called for Tsukasa. Just think about that a minute. Especially since, as always, Tsukasa's appearance spooks the fuck out of Hanako.

* Also worth noting, Hanako uses his knife at Tsukasa. He's avoided doing that this entire time - as many readers have noticed, he'll even turn the blade away from Tsukasa. But here, it's not only out in a flash, he's swinging it at Tsukasa. He really wants to keep Tsukasa away from Yashiro.

* Tsukasa ...isn't wrong, here, either. He points out quite accurately that Hanako isn't trying to save Yashiro for her sake, but for his own. And yet - when we cut to Yashiro's face, she's interested. When Tsukasa says, "How will you make her live?" she wants to know too.

"If you destroy all seven of the Mysteries' yorishiros, God will grant your wish".

I swear to gods the bottom dropped out of my world when I read that. There's just - so much that went through my mind. I'm going to try to get all the thoughts down.

First, and this is the big one - Hanako's been doing this almost from the beginning. The whole 'unseat all seven Mysteries' thing, that was his idea. And in fact all the yorishiros that have been destroyed, have been destroyed at Hanako's instigation, using Yashiro.

Second, and it's almost as big - Tsukasa didn't realize Hanako knew this. It's probable that Tsukasa thought the 'solution' would be Hanako making a wish to Tsukasa (which just sounds like a big Tangle, but one Tsukasa would enjoy) but was surprised that Hanako knew of another method that would be, from Tsukasa's perspective, at least as much 'fun'.

But note that Hanako's fists are clenched as he says this line. He doesn't want to do this. Honestly, he might not be able to, without Yashiro's active participation. She's been the one to actually do the yorishiro-destroying thus far. (And I can't imagine she will lightly destroy Sumire, or depower Mitsuba. She might willingly depower Akane at this point though.)

And it's also worth noting that Hanako would never have been cleared to 'unseat all the Wonders' in the first place if Tsukasa hadn't driven Two mad. These two have been working in tandem from the beginning, just as Teru thought. It's just that apparently they didn't realize they were in agreement. I want to know what Hanako's original wish would have been, since 'saving Yashiro' is a much later-stage goal for him.

And we end the chapter with an apparent alliance between the brothers, but...Tsukasa's seal is a black one. A yorishiro seal. Which suggests that very soon we're going to find out if it really IS a yorishiro seal, because if it is, then this chapter is ending with Tsukasa basically saying "you get to kill me again!". I'd say 'that can't be it, he looks too cheerful and happy about it', but this is Tsukasa we're talking about.

I am seriously sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for the next chapter, now. Oh so many questions I want answers to. And it'll be an early Hanako Day next month!

#toilet bound hanako kun #tbhk analysis

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dreamingsushi · 1 year

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Till the End of the Moon - Episode 5

Last episode, everyone was saved from the mean monster, thanks to Tantai Jin absorbing her, thus disolving her spell. He pretty much likes the taste of the new powers he gained through this experience. Susu is starting to have doubts about her mission and is reluctant at some level to kill Tantai Jin. She feels he became a demon lord because of the life he led. Which is a very sad one.

Tantai Jin first tries his power on the crow. It makes him able to see through his eyes. Right then, Susu comes to visit and he decides to try his powers on her. And then he kills her! BAM! But no actually, that’s just his thoughts. Turns out he was about to do it still, but he changes his mind when he sees her hand and she confirms she stopped him from committing suicide in his dream. Then she takes him on a walk to go see Ye Bingchang, but they bump into the 6th prince. Xiao Lin wants to talk privately to Ye Wuxi. He asks her to give up on him because he’s going to ask to marry her sister. She agrees. Then he tells her to make sure nothing happens to Tantai Jin, otherwise war would be waging between the two states. She says she will watch over him, but that she hates him and dreams of killing him, however she won’t let anything happen to him, but she won’t do it from kindness. The thing is... Tantai Jin was using his crow to spy on them, so he heard everything. Poor thing. His two only hopes of people maybe caring for him as him were blown away just like that.

It is announced that Ye Bingchang is going to be taken in as a consort wife, not the first wife of Xiao Lin. Obviously, it has nothing to do with her sister and her family meddling, it’s just that her family is already powerful, so it would give them too much leverage were she to become the official wife. She’s really mad about it. Xiao Lin is upset too. He promises her that he will take her as his wife, not his consort.

On the day of the wedding, the 5th prince is beating an old man outside. That guy is disgusting. I don’t know what Tantai Jin plans to do with him but you know what, even if it brings him closer to become a demon, please do it. He bothers Tantai Jin about the fact that Ye Bingchang, whom he’s supposed to like, is getting married to someone else, but our man doesn’t waiver. Also Susu kind of insults the 5th prince to shoo him away. But then she gets distracted by the cultivator and when she turns around, Tantai Jin is gone. It’s really, but really annoying how sometimes the top of his hair is black and sometimes brown. It should always be black. I can’t take him seriously with a hairstyle like that!!

Okay maybe that was a little too violent for me. Tantai Jin uses a crow, make it speak in front of everyone during the ceremony. And then, it attacks the fifth pince, plucking his eye out. Also, I didn’t mention it, but it seems like Susu is afraid of crows. Tantai Jin sends crows attacking everyone that hurt him. The cultivator gives the special scale to Xiao Lin and tells him to take his bride to safety. He puts a shield around her and wants to leave to take care of their guests. But she won’t let him because she’s scared and she doesn’t care about the people outside. So she’s not that generous, I guess she’s pretty selfish too and just pretends that she isn’t because everyone liked her little sister better.

When he’s about to send them over to Susu, he decides last minute to retract, seeing how scared she is. Maybe he’ll torture her in some other way. She uses her talismans to help her brother. Tantai Jin notices she knows how to use them. As she escapes, she thinks of Tantai Jin and rushes back in, in case something happens to him.

Tantai Jin doesn’t feel anything different from getting revenge for what they did to him. Then he hears something fall behind him. It’s the scale left in Ye Bingchang’s care. He shows her a little bit of his powers to scare her, gives the scale back and tells her not to say a word. And he leaves. So he felt something different when he was about to hurt Susu. Well... Ye Wuxi. She finally finds him and when she sees him, she grabs a sword. He thinks to try to kill, but she actually kills a bird next to him. When the crows are rushing towards them, she stays in front of him to protect him. Seeing that, he gets rid of them before they hurt her, without her knowing of course. They have a little talk. She says she came back to save him because she likes him. He asks what it means to like. Poor guy knows nothing. But he likes power. That’s a good start. We just need to widen his interests. So he asks her to teach him how to use talismans. She agrees to it when he says he also wants to protect the people he likes.

And that’s it for episode 5, that’s it for today. The scene with the crows was a little too violent for me though. I don’t believe in getting revenge, it doesn’t solve anything. However, the 5th prince did need to get a lesson. I just wished it wasn’t so graphic, I’m a sensitive person. So far, it’s still good and intriguing. I’m looking forward episode 6!

#till the end of the moon #bai lu #luo yunxi #deng wei #chen duling #xianxia #xianxia drama #costume drama #cdrama #c-drama #chinese drama #drama review #drama recap #drama reaction

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myriaed · 7 months

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HEADCANON. — THE SCAR ( tw pregnancy / tw car accident / tw miscarriage / tw bodily harm / tw attempted murder / tw suicide )

The last thing you expect to hear as a sophomore in high school from your girlfriend of 6 months right before your first class of the day is “I’M PREGNANT.” You do expect the beating your dad throws you when you get home and tell him and your mom, though; that one you could see coming from a mile away. After that, things settled down a lot, and it took a little while but you actually start getting excited about being a DAD. Your girlfriend, Brianna, goes to her regularly scheduled appointments and if you can convince the school that it’s important enough, they let you skip one class to go with her to the important ones. You hear your baby’s heartbeat for the first time and it’s the only time something other than extreme pain has made you cry. You keep your grades up to show the school ( and your dad ) that missing one class for necessary appointments isn’t hurting your GPA and the next appointment you’re allowed to go to is the one where you find out if you’re gonna have a daddy’s boy or if a princess is gonna have you wrapped around her little finger. ( It’s gonna happen either way and you know it is. )

Brianna is singing her heart out, more excited than you’ve seen her in a long time, and there’s a brief moment where you look over from the driver’s seat to bask in the warmth of her smile. It’s in that moment that you see it - the shiny silver grill of the truck that plows into the side of your car going 50 miles an hour through a red light. You wake up in the hospital; gut instinct has a vice grip on your chest and it’s only confirmed a few minutes later. Brianna survived, though she suffered massive internal bleeding and the right side of her face was cut up by large shards of broken glass — but… she lost the baby. The next week Bri’s allowed to go home, no longer sedated into a catatonic state, and for the first time you think your father might actually have a heart when he lets you stay with her for a few days. Mom calls it your time to mourn together, but it turns out to be yet another nightmare. You realize way after dark that she’s not in the bed with you, but you close your eyes and go back to sleep, assuming she’ll be back soon. You wake to a searing pain on your face and grab at whatever is causing it, catching Brianna’s wrist in your hands, but not before she SLICES into your cheek, temple to lips, with her father’s serrated hunting knife while screaming that it’s ALL YOUR FAULT; that your baby is gone BECAUSE OF YOU; that you deserve to look JUST AS HIDEOUS and feel JUST AS MUCH PAIN as she does. She’s admitted into a mental facility the next morning. You’re stitched up, but not with the reassurance that even though they did their best it’ll probably scar pretty badly. You don’t care. You DO deserve it. All of it. A month passes, and you finally hear that Brianna has been taken off suicide watch, so you plan to go see her, but two days before you make the trip upstate you get a phone call from her mother. Looks like Brianna’s time in theater class did her some good, enough that she fooled the facility’s doctors. She left a note that she was going to be with her baby.

OTHER THINGS TO KNOW BASED ON THIS HEADCANON:

- Simon doesn’t openly talk about the scar, but he’ll answer questions about it the best he can. He’s not oblivious to the fact that people tend to stare at it.

- He’d still love to have children one day, because he really does have a soft spot for them, but he’s hesitant about getting into relationships because of this whole ordeal.

- He rides a bicycle or walks as many places as he can. He has a truck (very different from the one that caused the accident) but only for bad weather and days when he absolutely has to have one.

#headcanon: simon cohen #lots of tws at the top #please read them before clicking on the readmore

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v5hadow · 1 year

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WIP Wednesday

So I haven't managed anything of what I've been intending to work on this week for progress at this point of the story(aka we aren't finishing the scene today...). Or more correctly I've only got a a small, small bit of what I want done on it.

Instead I'm posting the first section of a prequel bit that took most of my focus this week....

Futaba's Lost and Found Services

11/21/20XX

Futaba knew the longer she kept tapped into the phone the more likely she was to get caught in the metaphorical cookie jar. She pretty much had what she wanted almost from the start of the call. A name and a confirmation of actions taken. But something about Akechi’s tone… He sounded a bit hollow. Something, something, curiosity and cats, and between her and Morgana in her lap they probably had a full cat’s curiosity.

It was nice to hear that Akechi had no plans to immediately act against the rest of the team, even if he said nothing positive to say about them himself. A little surprising to be compared to cattle instead of sheep since how much more aggressive cows are. Generally a bit of surprise how little he was planning on going after them, as it may take months for them to be off lips enough to start targeting the teens visibly attached to the team. Him keeping an eye on them would likely be one of the most dangerous parts from now on but if he is being this loose Futaba was way less concerned.

Deaths were interesting to think about in an abstract way. Her and maybe Ryuji, would need to be the most cautious as they were not as public of figures. Her and Sojiro would likely be framed as a murder-suicide. Makoto would be difficult to justify until at least the next school year but pretty neutral after that. Yusuke was probably the easiest of their famous group, if he could frame it as a suicide, being a literal starving artist at times. Haru would have to wait one of the longest, as she is the largest shareholder of a major corporation that had her father die just last month. That was just last month.

Akira’s death… wait. And the SIU director? Isn’t that too close? And why does that seem like the most amusement he’s had in all the conversation? He’s acting completely differently on these two deaths of targets.

The SUI director from everything they could gather was likely in the know of the conspiracy. In fact the group couldn’t figure out a way he wasn’t like Kaboyakawa. So Akechi got to kill another member of the conspiracy and was happy about it. But he doesn’t seem nearly as happy to have done so to Akira. He shows some emotions about his targets still.

Akechi finished his call with Shido. She should be disconnecting but she felt an urge to listen a little more. See if he gets out of the building as smoothly as he hopes and that Akira isn’t caught in the first few minutes.

Futaba heard a few bangs from Akechi’s line as she set up all the preestablished audio on Akira’s cell phone for Niijima-san. In any other environment than the quiet hall she likely wouldn’t have heard Akechi’s whispered, “Why? Why?” There was one last, harsher than the others bangs but still soft enough to barely be heard. Even quieter, “No, not here. Can't break down here.”

She disconnected the tap but had it prepped to check on him again in a few hours. Now she needed to keep a monitor on Sae and Akira’s progress out of the facility.

When Futaba checked in on Akechi’s phone again, his location was listed as what she assumed was his apartment from previous assessments. One of the news reports about Akira’s capture played in the background.

“Why couldn’t you figure out another way? How didn’t you find another way out? Why did it have to be you?” So many other what ifs and questions crossed his lips before the news broke with the suicide.

With that news a slam and a curse quickly followed. Watery breathing, as if holding in the crying, was all that could be heard in the quiet transition from the news to jazz. She let the recording go for a few more seconds before closing and unwinding her bug for now.

The cat looked up to the hacker, starting, “Ora-”

Futaba quickly interrupted, “Don’t bring this up to Akira.”

“Huh? Why?”

Futaba stared at the audio files she’s recorded today. “If Akira ever crosses paths with Akechi again knowing he was, uh, upset? Might just mean Akechi succeeds on a second try.” She ended up dragging several out into another folder. Just in case.

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rosiegeee · 2 years

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List of LGBTQ+ Character’s in Disney Films

This is a reposting of a previous post from last December with updated information. Disney has a very long history of making queer coded characters, mostly villains, and despite there being several opportunities in the past two decades to make characters that have actual speaking lines LGBT, there are next to none. Here are, to my knowledge, the only confirmed LGBT characters/couples in Disney movies.

Lefou and his dance partner. 2017 Beauty and the Beast.

Lefou is in a good portion of the movie, and he clearly has something for Gaston, but when Gaston point blank asks Lefou why he isn’t with any girl, Lefou doesn’t have a gay panic moment where he tries to hide anything, or says he’s gay/bi. He gives a genuine answer that women just don’t like him, which implies that he truly wants to be with a woman. In the last five minutes of the movie Lefou is dancing with a woman and is smiling and having fun, than his partner leaves and is replaced with a man, and Lefou’s face turns to confusion and not a look of attraction, although the man seems interested in him. What I’m saying is that Disney said how proud they were of making Lefou gay, but had no true set up, had the character genuinely says they like women, than when he has his gay moment he looks uncomfortable, and not in a questioning-my-sexuality kind of way. Lefou is a last minute gay.

Officer Specter. Onward

This character is far better than Lefou, but still falls in the one second gay category. She’s not in a good portion of the movie, but she does have speaking lines, and one of them is she mentions her girlfriend and her girlfriend’s daughter. She is probably the second best character on this list, and that is sad because she’s in less than ten minutes of the movie and although we don’t need to, it would have been nice to see said family, even just a picture would suffice. Still she is only one of four characters on this list who makes it specifically clear that they are LGBT, while the others had to be confirmed outside the film by the film makers.

Bucky and Pronk. Zootopia/Zootropolis

They are introduced as Judy’s loud next door neighbors and were confirmed nine months after the films release that they were a married couple and not brothers. The actor for these two had to confirm it, and in five years Disney has not debunked it so its Canon, but could be debunked by disney if they feel like it. If they are a couple than that makes them the first LGBT couple in disney, and how were they portrayed, yelling and arguing at each other in every scene they are in except the nudist shot. They fall into the retroactively gay category, and In my eyes the disappointing category.

Bobby. Avengers: Endgame.

Do you know how long it took me to find the name of this character. Five minutes, when all it should take is typing in “Gay grieving man in Endgame” into Google, but he was such a small character that I had to go through 3 different MCU wikia pages to find his name. He is one of the four confirmed for sure onscreen LGBT characters. He’s talking to Steve Rogers five year after the snap in group therapy about his date with a male character, and how he misses his previous boyfriend. For years this is all the MCU has, as Valkyrie has yet to be confirmed onscreen. I classify him a one minute gay. (Side note Bobby here is taking to the man that risked his life multiple times to save the life of Bucky just so they an stay platonically together without Bucky asking him too, where as Peggy, the woman Cap marries at the end of this movie, begged Steve to get off the ship and we know there were parachutes, not that he needs them, and that once he changed the course of the plane he probably could have jumped ship to be with her, but instead choose suicide[He also thought Bucky was dead at this point.] So read into that as much as you want and think about how much sense the final scene of Endgame made.)

Commander Larma D'Acy and Lieutenant Wrobie Tyce. Star Wars: the Rise of Skywalker.

Bet you also didn’t know the name of the woman D’Acy was kissing in this scene, did you? D’Acy was a minor character who was in all three sequel Star Wars movies and I honestly liked her even before I knew she was gay, but considering how much hype and teasing by ALL the actors that FinnPoe would become canon, this felt like a punch in the gut. In fact all they had to do was make the obviously gay Poe canonoticly gay but still single and I would have settled for that, but instead D’Acy, who was barely in the films and hadn’t mentioned her wife at all in 3 movies or are seen together before this point on screen, was the one to be confirmed on screen to be gay. These two fall under the last minute gays category.

Lesbian couple in Finding Dory and Lesbian Moms in Toy Story 4.

If these two couples have names, I couldn’t find them. The first two should because I think one has a speaking role and therefore should be credited, but I couldn’t find it, if you know write a comment. The Finding Dory couple could literally just be friends and we would never know if Disney hadn’t been all like “Look at the gay characters we gave you, we’re so proud.” The mom’s in Toy Story 4 are more obviously a couple, especially in there second appearance in the end, but they are so far in the background that you could easily mistake the black mother for the Caucasian mom’s husband if Disney hadn’t again advertised these characters as there glorious representation. These two couple fall under the background/ confirmed off-screen one second gays category.

Artie: Cruella

Dude is very obviously gay, the first out of all of the above, but Disney went from so obviously not gay that they have to off screen tell you that’s what they are to all the gay man stereotypes rolled into one, he’s in a small little portion of the movie but he is important to the plot, but still had to be confirmed off-screen. So Although I don’t like his portrayal I can say that this is by far the best lgbt character Disney has made up until May 2021 in there films. He has set the bar, and lets hope every lgbt character after him is better.

McGregor Houghton: Jungle Cruise

I haven’t watched this movie yet so I can’t fully speak for it, but someone in the comments says “he had this whole monologue of how his family was completely against his 'preferences'”. And google confirms he is gay, so he joins the list. I can’t fully rank him though yet.

Phastos and Ben: Eternals.

God almighty how I waited for a character like Phastos. An actually openly gay character who being gay is only one aspect of there character. That alone would have been enough, but what makes me fall in love even more is he has a husband named Ben, and a Son named Jack. I REPEAT, HE HAS AN ON-SCREEN HUSBAND AND A CHILD. They also share a kiss which is a first in the mcu films. He is important to the plot, has more then ten minutes of screen time and lines, and is actually gay on-screen plus is a pretty good character. I hope this is not the last good lgbt disney film character for another decade.

Before I conclude there are some honorable mentions that are technically lgbt but didn’t qualify for this list. Amilyn Holdo from the last jedi is bi, but was only confirmed in a novelization whose canonality can change at anytime. Lando Calrissian was confirmed pansexual off screen in 2018, however in both Solo and TROS he was not portrayed as such. Valkyrie was confirmed bi off-screen, but had her two lgbt scenes cut so there is no film proof of this on screen. Finally Loki was confirmed genderfluid and bisexual (but used solely he/him pronouns and fell in love with his genderbent self because they wouldn’t dare have him actually be seen flirting with anyone but a woman) however this was an mcu tv show and I am not sure yet if I consider it canon just yet.

So in total, counting mentioned partners that never were on screen, the number of confirmed LGBT people in all of Disney films is 19. After reading this I hope it becomes blaringly obvious why Disney needs more prominent LGBT representation. If this were done with racial representation Disney would probably not be in business still. There is progress being made, but only slightly. There is still plenty room to grow, such as first trans/non-binary character, or lgbt character under 18. So if you want a serious queer Disney fix, your going to have to stick to Tv, books, and shorts for now.

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worstloki · 3 years

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Okay, this is gettin’ real screwed up here.

I watch a lot of TV. Probably too much. And I’ve seen characters beaten to their knees before, sometimes even with collars. And yeah, there’s usually someone standing over them, and it’s been a woman sometimes. The kind of scene we got in episode 5 of Loki is not new ground.

But here’s the thing. In EVERY OTHER SCENE I can remember like this, the person kneeling is the hero. They’ve been brought down, fully humbled before the sneering villain, and in a few minutes something will happen to get them back on their feet again. It’s usually a tense moment, a “what if they break?” that makes you want the hero to win. You aren’t rooting for, or even liking in some cases, the person standing. You’re cheering for the person on their knees.

This doesn’t seem to be the case with the Loki show. Yes, the viewers may be rooting for Loki, but there’s no hatred for Sif there. She’s not proved herself to be a cold, heartless villain, ruthlessly pounding the hero until all he can do is kneel at her feet.

Except…she did kind of do that. But it isn’t treated as something bad. It’s treated more as something Loki deserved, in my opinion. The show wants us to feel like he deserved to get repeatedly beaten up and told horrible things, just for cutting off a lock of Sif’s hair. I’ll grant, it’s peanuts compared to what happened to him in the mythology. But it’s still bad. Especially since they had him acknowledge it, repeat her cruel words back. They’re playing it off as if Loki is still the villain by himself, and is only good because of other people- Mobius, mostly, but Sif is part of that.

That’s not the way Loki’s character is. In the comics particularly, his biggest arcs are always about reinventing the labels given to him, changing “villain” into something good, something he can use, and doing it by himself. Yes, there’s outside influence, but ultimately Loki is the one who decided to change.

The show is not letting him do that. The show is portraying him as a stubborn jackass who refuses to change until other people show him the light- either with psychological torture presented as therapy, or with beating him up a bunch of times until he gives in. The show and its characters are forcing Loki to become good- they aren’t showing him doing it by himself. He is not becoming one of the good guys, he’s being essentially enslaved by them, and the show is passing it off as somehow all that good influence finally rubbed off on Loki’s cold, villainous heart. That’s why him betraying Mobius was shown as so bad even though Loki barely knew him and had been psychologically tortured by him- Mobius is written as a character who can choose to be good, and Loki is written as a character who must be forced to be good.

And something about an entire show revolving around an independent character being treated as a villain, literally enslaved by the “good guys” (back when the show still wanted us to think the TVA weren’t shady as all hell), beaten to his knees with a collar around his neck until he accepts that he deserves to be alone because he isn’t “good” like everybody else…that doesn’t go down right for me.

The TVA being presented in not just a neutral but often reliable light is something I thought would change once Loki literally called out their propaganda and Sylvie called them fascists, but, for some reason the authoritarian genocidalists are not being presented as a bad thing and it irks me too.

It's especially weird because of the way what Loki claims to have wanted by making choices for people and what Mobius claims the TVA do ARE THE EXACT SAME THINGS, except Loki, until the show, hadn't done that of his own volition and was being tortured during the invasion and is treated terribly for something he didn't even succeed in doing, while the TVA successfully erase events on a mass scale but are presented as having a higher (or at best, - equal) moral ground.

The exact same thing was done in Ragnarok where Loki's "turning point" from a tricksy villainous scoundrel happened because Thor left him frying on the ground and gave him a pep talk filled with lies and general slander about how he could be better - and people see that as good because Thor is framed as a hero, and it's because instead of accepting Loki is a complex character they take what the narrative tells at face value and that is that Loki fights the protagonist(s) so he's bad.

I personally don't like the narrative pushing a character that is canonically an abuse victim and attempted suicide and was tortured right after as someone who needs fixing because he's lusting for power and needs it to gain a sense of control during a retcon which is occurring for the sake of calling him a complete bad guy who needs to change (probably because no actual original character development could be thought of?) after he was just confirmed as queer and colloquially (i assume) called a narcissist because of twisted love.

That he deserves to be alone was presented neutrally as a joke even as he was repeatedly getting beaten to the ground, and then both people he could call friends were removed from his immediate vicinity right after.

Loki isn't being presented as a character that has done a huge mix of good and bad in the movies, he's being presented as an oft incompetent idiot that deserves what he gets because he shouldn't have run away from captors, or he cut Sif's hair, or he killed his mother, or he dared to think he had any importance or could do something good, because the truth is he's an evil lying scourge.

"But maybe," Mobius says, "Maybe he wants to mix it up. Sometimes you get tired of playing the same part. Is that possible? He can change?" And everyone's already forgotten that moments before the mission Mobius said to Loki's face that the TVA has pruned a lot of Loki variants because he's so nice! look! he has hope in him when no one else does! It's also easy to forget the "and hey, if it doesn't work, I'll delete him myself," right after because the guy was smiling through it and the scene is followed by Loki really badly trying to explain the logic of being a trickster who everyone knows is a trickster.

A lot of people payed more attention in Ragnarok than to the other Thor movies so it's not a new retcon and people seem fine with the extremely strange take that 'loki is bad but he can do good sometimes,' because the character is more animated and acts foolish and that's generally more fun for comedy, which is fair for people to prefer imo, people find different things entertaining.

But I do solidly hope the show doesn't go that way though and takes a side with Loki on the narrative stance eventually because I've seen a lot of people who just. miss that the TVA's concept is bad. And those who think they're "reforming" Loki. As if the guy needs anything but a break at this point lmao he only got away from Thanos like 2 days ago please just let him rest for a bit he's a fail villain and it's cringe to have your supposed 1st open queer character get beaten to a pulp by Sif and then put wack sexualizing shots for it too :/

it's like the show itself is trying to sell the angle of "Loki is a villain" and I'm a clown who is still wanting that to be intentional because if it is? It could be amazing and playing with how different parties are framed would be s p e c t a cu l ar and could encourage people to reassess the hero coding in other movies including ones Loki was previously in - but we're reaching the last two episodes and I don't feel like that'll happen.

I feel like even if Loki does reach the end of the show as a transformed person it'll be done leaving the audience with "perhaps you're not so bad after all, Loki," and then also give credit to Mobius or Sylvie or whoever else was involved, simply because as even of yet Loki hasn't taken on a lead role in the show. I'd argue he hasn't really contributed anything worthwhile to plot either. As you've said, he's being shown as someone who needs to change but isn't really motivated to. Aw man they better not make romantic love the reason he wants to change.

#no because they're framing things that are humiliating or demeaning as *casual*#I don't even care if they wanted fanservice in the show did it have to be THAT type???#of course it did they don't take the character seriously or consider what they're doing with him despite his legitimate grievances #in a show where Loki's had literally no influence on the main plot but delaying it for the entirety of the Lamentis episode #if i was worse this is where i'd theorize about how Loki isn't a typical 'strong' hero and threatens the fragile masculine ideals of some #like........marvel the F*CK kind of message is this meant to send after Thanos throwing Gamora off a cliff was 'love' and Odin was 'strong'#they've made Loki be embarrassingly bad in fights too and what's up with that?????#''no look he's powerful see he just reversed time on an entire building on his own!!! now watch 2 guards hold him back <3''#bro 2 guards aren't enough if loki wants to escape what movies were you watching bro #you want me to believe this is the guy that went toe to toe with thor and tie-lost because he had tears blurring his vision????#nice try mcu im onto you your writing sucks #the Loki show #loki spoilers #loki show spoilers #im still reeling from Sylvie's backstory of BITING AND RUNNING and that she left the door to the TVA open for so long accidentally??????#im enjoying the show but i'm not going to say it's a good show or even that I see Loki as in-character #he CAN CANONICALLY TELEPORT WHY THE FR*CK WERE THEY SITTING AND WATCHING LAMENTIS BLOW UP #he BROKE the tempad - their ONLY WAY OFF THE PLANET - which was stored in a POCKET DIMENSION - by falling TOO HARD ?????#EXCUSE ME????#put some effort into the story you're trying to sell marvel #the logic with the timelines???? makes NO SENSE??????#the TVA either has no clue what they're doing or the multiverse literally already exists and the sacred timeline continues to be lies #i want to strange Marvel #the entire thing is so entertaining though so im definitely enjoying #ThisPostIsLongerThanMyLifeSpan #TPILTMLS

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specialagentsergio · 3 years

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rationalizations

rationalizations: a defense mechanism in which one makes up a false but reassuring explanation to explain their behavior and/or feelings to both themselves and others, thus avoiding the reality of why they are really acting or feeling as they do.

summary: You’re the psych evaluation for Spencer. You think he’s full of shit, so you refuse to sign his clearance form until he actually tells the truth.

pairing: spencer reid x f!reader

category: angst (happy ending)

content warnings: spencer’s canonical trauma, flashbacks, mentions of suicide and suicidal ideation, swearing

a/n: i wrote this for @imagining-in-the-margins‘ enemies to lovers event. it’s not my favorite trope, but one of the prompts sparked inspiration for me. i also took a good amount of inspiration from meredith’s various therapy scenes in grey’s anatomy, so if some of it feels familiar, that’s why! i swear i intended to make this cute and funny, but, well… here we are lmao.

word count: 3.6k

masterlist

Spencer throws his bag onto his desk with a frustrated huff. It thumps loudly, startling JJ at her desk across from his. She gives him a sympathetic look regardless. “Still not cleared yet?”

“No!” Forgetting that it’s wheeled, he drops himself into his chair. It skids backwards and he has to scramble to grab something to keep from falling out of it.

“Careful there,” JJ says, trying valiantly to suppress a laugh. “That psychologist's got you really worked up, huh?”

“I don’t know what she wants from me!” he complains. “It’s been nearly a month! Hotch’s ex-wife was murdered by an unsub, but they cleared him. I was only shot in the neck.”

“I mean, that’s still kind of a big deal,” she says. “You could’ve died, from the gunshot, or from the nurse that tried to kill you afterwards.”

“Speaking of that nurse,” he starts, “Garcia is the one who shot him and she’s been a wreck over it. She insisted on going to the guy’s execution. But the therapist cleared her!”

“Penelope’s not in the field,” JJ points out.

He crosses his arms. “Still. This isn’t the first time I’ve been shot. That possibility is part of the job. It’s not like it came out of nowhere and I was completely unprepared for it.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Spence,” she says. “Just keep all of your appointments and I’m sure you’ll be cleared soon.”

He pulls a stack of papers on his desk towards him. Paperwork—one of the things he’s actually allowed to do. “I better be,” he mutters.

---

“And it was really scary, you know?” Spencer wipes at his eyes with a tissue. “Not knowing if I was going to live or die.”

“Mm-hmm.”

He takes a deep breath. “But… it’s over now. The preacher who shot me died in the same shootout. Owen McGregor, the leader of the corrupt deputies, died later that night, in another shootout. And Greg Baylor, the one who posed as a nurse and tried to kill me, was sentenced to death row and he’s gone now, too.”

His psychologist makes a note on the paper in front of her, but doesn’t say anything, so he continues.

“I… I feel better now, just letting that out.” He takes a new tissue and dries his nose. “I feel ready now. Ready to go back to work.”

She nods slowly, considering him. But she doesn’t even look towards her desk where the clearance form sits, frustrating him to no end. After five minutes of silence, he breaks.

“You can’t be serious.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I’ve been coming to these sessions for over a month, and I’m still not cleared to be in the field. I…” He musters up more tears and makes sure his voice wavers during his next words. “I just don’t know what you want? I’ve tried everything.”

“No, you haven’t,” she says plainly.

He blinks in surprise, sending some of the crocodile tears down his cheeks. “What?”

She crosses her legs. “You’re full of shit.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re not being honest with me, and I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself either,” she says. “You’re a great actor. I can see how you’ve gotten clearances easily before. But that stops with me.”

Spencer stares at her. “I don’t understand.”

She moves her notebook to the side. “What happened in Texas isn’t the first time your life’s been in danger. Why do you think that is?”

“Wh—that’s part of my job,” he argues, fake crying long since forgotten.

“Not to the extent that you take it. I’ve read your file,” she says. “You take unnecessary risks with regularity.”

The tissues crumple in his hand as he clenches it. “I do not.”

“Let’s go back to the beginning.”

“The beginning of what?”

“Of your career.” Yet she doesn’t take out his file, or look at her notes. She speaks from memory. “2005. The BAU is assisting with a hostage situation. You go into the train, posing as someone who is there to remove a microchip from the unsub, but the first thing you do? You take off your bulletproof vest.”

“Okay, clearly you don’t understand what the situation was,” Spencer cuts in. “Ted Bryar was suffering from a psychotic break. He was somewhat unpredictable, and he told me to take off the vest.”

“And you just listened?”

“He—he had a gun, and was threatening both me and the other passengers with it!” he says. “What was I supposed to do, not listen?”

“Uh, yeah,” she replies. “You easily played into his delusions just a few minutes later to distract him. Why not do that to keep yourself safe?”

“I was twenty-four and was running on adrenaline,” he says defensively. “And it was my first time doing something like that. You can’t expect me to think of everything.”

“You’re right, I can’t,” she agrees. “So let’s jump forward a few years. How about the time you approached a teenager who was wielding an assault rifle with no protection, not even your own firearm?” she challenges.

“You mean Owen Savage? That was a unique situation,” he protests. “I knew I could talk him down.”

“No, you didn’t. You thought you had a good chance, but there’s no way to be one hundred percent sure of that. He was volatile, and on a killing spree,” she counters. “You didn’t know if you’d succeed--”

“I did!” He startles himself by unconsciously raising his voice, but he doesn’t apologize. “I did, because….”

“Because you related to him,” she fills in. “And that’s fine. Having empathy for an unsub doesn’t suggest something’s wrong in and of itself. But you still put yourself, and the rest of your team, in danger, didn’t you?”

He crosses his arms. “I got that lecture from Hotch when it happened, okay?”

“So then why’d you confront an unsub alone a few years later in Miami?” she asks. “You didn’t even tell anyone where you were going. You left your vest behind and just ran off.”

“I was having a head—wait, how do you even know that happened?” he questions. “It wasn’t in the report.”

“Well, first of all, you just confirmed it,” she points out, and he wants to kick himself. “Secondly, I can read between the lines.”

“I was having a headache,” he repeats. “I wasn’t thinking all that clearly. I just knew Julio’s life was in immediate danger, so I went to help him.”

“Uh-huh. More recently,” she says, brushing past his excuse, “You confronted your girlfriend’s stalker without your vest or gun.”

Spencer’s getting angry now. “I was trying to save Maeve. She asked me to leave them behind.”

“And you simply listened. Do you see the pattern I’m drawing here, Dr. Reid?” she asks. “These are just a few of the instances that stand out. Time and time again, you put yourself in unnecessary danger. So I’ll ask you again. Why do you think that is?”

Spencer looks over her—really looks over her, trying to understand what she’s getting at. “Are… are you suggesting that I’m suicidal?” he asks quietly.

She looks him straight in the eye. “You don’t act like someone who wants to be alive.”

It’s like she set off a bomb in his brain. Memories, and the feelings attached to them, emerge—Elle handcuffed to a seat, a teenager with a rifle, a blinding headache, Maeve and blood on the warehouse floor.

“Here’s what I see,” she says. “I see a man who’s been through so, so much. Your mother is mentally ill, your father left--”

His father is packing a suitcase. Spencer doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do or say, so he falls back on what he knows.

“Statistically, children who grow up in two-parent households attain three more years of higher education than children from single-parent households.”

It doesn’t help. “We’re not statistics, Spencer.”

“Your file says she’s staying at an institution, and with your father out of the picture, I can only assume you were the one who had her admitted--”

“Spencer, please don’t do this to me!” she cries as she’s escorted out of the house by Bennington Sanitarium’s transport staff.

“A few years into your work here at the FBI, you were kidnapped, tortured and drugged--”

He’s tired and cold and his whole body aches. Tobias—the real Tobias—looms over him with a syringe.

“Please. I don’t want it,” he pleads of his captor. “I don’t want it, please.”

The needle punctures his skin regardless.

“—you were held hostage by a cult leader--”

Emily sits across from him on the plane with a black eye. “What Cyrus did to me is not your fault.”

He pretends to agree.

“—you went through the death and reappearance of Agent Prentiss--”

He’s tried to make it clear to Jennifer that he wants to be left alone, but she won’t stop trying to talk about it with him, and he’s had enough.

“I came to your house for ten weeks in a row crying over losing a friend, and not once did you have the decency to tell me the truth.”

“—and your girlfriend was shot in front of you.”

“Who’s Thomas Merton? Who is he?” Diane demands, gun pressed against Maeve’s head.

“He’s the one thing you can never take from us,” Maeve replies, and Spencer’s heart drops. Thomas Merton is Maeve’s way of saying goodbye—she’s giving up.

“Wait!” he cries out, but it’s too late.

“This is just some of the more traumatic stuff. And then there’s what happened last month, which is why you’re here. You present a face of not being bothered by all of this, because that’s what you’ve been doing all your life, but I think you are bothered. You really, really are. And you don’t want to admit to anyone just how much it all has affected you. Maybe you don’t even want yourself to know.” Her expression and tone of voice are certain.

Spencer can’t take it anymore. The whirlwind of emotions and memories is overwhelming.

“The number of times you’ve almost died is staggering--”

“Yeah, and sometimes I wish I had!” He glares at her, breathing heavily. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

But she doesn’t seem intimidated or alarmed at all. She leans back in her armchair. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”

The response only serves to make him angrier. She questioned him relentlessly and made him admit something he swore in the dark hours of sleepless nights that he’d never think again, never voice, let alone admit to anyone. She forced it out of him, forced. She made him say it against his will.

So why does he feel a sense of relief?

“I…” Tears well up in his eyes—real ones this time. “I’m done,” he chokes out.

He pushes himself off of the couch and out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

---

He storms in Hotch’s office and demands to see a different psychologist. But she was one step ahead of him—a few hours before the appointment, she had emailed Hotch and told him that under no circumstances should Spencer be allowed to get a clearance from someone else.

“And you’re going to believe her?” he cries.

“She’s doing her job, Reid.”

“You barely know her! You’ve known me for a decade!”

“Yes, I have,” Hotch agrees. “And you’ve told me yourself that you’ve fooled psychologists and therapists before. So if this one is saying you’re not ready yet, I’m inclined to believe her.”

Spencer just stares at him, but as usual, Hotch doesn’t blink.

“Unbelievable,” Spencer eventually mutters.

“Take the rest of the day off,” Hotch replies, glancing down at fists Spencer hadn’t realized he was clenching.

“Fine.”

Too agitated to stand in the elevator, he takes the stairs. As he stomps down them, he swears he’ll never go back to her office, even if it means never going into the field again.

A week passes, then two, and he hasn’t seen the psychologist since. But he doesn’t feel any better—he actually feels worse. It’s like her words broke a dam in his mind, in his gut, and feelings of unease and uncertainty won’t pass. It keeps him up at night. Her words echo in his head. “You don’t act like someone who wants to be alive.”

Spencer’s had yet another sleepless night and is struggling not to doze off at his desk despite the coffee he’s drinking. He stands up with the intention of splashing some water from the bathroom sink on his face, but his feet take him somewhere else.

He stares at the nameplate on the door. He swore he’d never go back, yet he feels compelled to knock.

It only takes her a few moments to answer. “Dr. Reid. Can I help you?” she asks.

“I…” He sighs. “Are you busy?”

“No. Come on in.” She steps to the side, opening the door wider to let him pass. He sits down on the couch.

She waits patiently. She doesn’t rush him. She lets him speak first.

He wrings his hands in his lap, staring down at them. “Something you said is bothering me.”

“What was it?”

“About… living,” he admits quietly. “I… I think you might have been right.”

When he gets the courage to glance up at her, he finds a soft smile on her face. “Would you like to talk about it?”

Spencer hadn’t realized he was expecting judgment and disdain until it didn’t happen. His shoulders slump down in relief. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, I think I would.”

---

“You’re still thinking about her, aren’t you?”

Spencer looks up from his paperwork, slightly out of it, to find Derek watching him. His coworker had, indeed, caught him thinking about her again. His psychologist. Well, former psychologist. After his second session back with her, she’d handed over a clearance form and a referral to a therapist outside the bureau to see long-term.

“And you better follow up with that,” she’d told him, the corner of her mouth turning up despite her serious tone of voice. “I’ll know if you don’t.”

He’d promised that he would, and had followed through. But despite the progress he was making with the new therapist, he was feeling a little disappointed that he didn’t get to see her anymore. He only saw her in passing, sometimes in the elevator or walking down the hallways of the building. They would exchange hellos, she would ask how he was doing, then give him a little wave as she left. Each time his heart would skip a beat, and he’d feel an urge to follow her to wherever she was going.

Yet he hadn’t quite realized why he seemed to be preoccupied with her until a dream he had a few weeks ago—a dream in which he found himself kissing her. Despite being alone in his bedroom, he’d woken up feeling embarrassed. He promised himself that he would put her out of his mind. Having a crush on his psychologist? It was ridiculous.

But then he saw her in the elevator a few days later and he couldn’t help but analyze her body language. It was open, and she twirled her hair around a finger while she looked at him to ask him how he was. A few other people entered the elevator on the next floor, but her attention remained on him. They were subtle signs, but signs that he recognized nonetheless—signs of attraction. And once he started seeing them, he couldn’t stop.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Spencer tells Derek, picking back up the pen he hadn’t noticed he dropped.

“You can’t pull that on me, kid,” he replies. “It’s your psychologist. You can’t stop thinking about her, can you?”

Spencer sighs. “So what if I can’t?”

“So go ask her out already!” Derek says like it’s obvious.

“You don’t think that’s just a little inappropriate?”

“You’re not seeing her as a client anymore, are you?” he points out. “Go for it, kid. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”

Spencer takes the advice—as soon as Derek said it, he knew he was right. He would regret not taking a chance on her and the connection he felt. Sure, she’d helped him with therapy, but it went deeper than that. It feels like she knows him.

He leaves the bullpen ten minutes early that evening, hoping to catch her before she leaves for the day. On her doorstep, he feels just as nervous as he did on the day he admitted that she was right, but it’s a different kind of nervous. An excited nervous. He knocks on the door.

She’s surprised when she seems him. He watches as her pupils dilate, and it boosts his confidence. “Dr. Reid. Can I help you?”

“You can. I’d like to talk,” he says.

“Oh. Well, I guess I could do that,” she says. “I thought things were going well with the therapist I referred you to, though.”

He shakes his head. “No, I don’t mean I want an appointment.”

Her eyebrows come together in confusion. “Okay, then, what do you want?”

Spencer doesn’t hesitate. “I want to take you out to dinner.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I really like you, and I think we’re meant to be together,” he replies, voice softening a bit.

She pauses before answering. When she does, her voice is gentle. “Dr. Reid, sometimes a medical professional’s care can start to feel like affection over a period of time, but--”

“No one has ever listened to me like you do,” he interrupts.

“That’s my job,” she points out.

“I’ve seen therapists before, but none of them have been like you,” he counters. “You understand me.”

She sighs. “Well, I’m glad I was a good fit and was able to help you. But that doesn’t mean that I see you as anything more than a client.”

“You’re lying.”

“Excuse me?”

“You do feel something more for me,” he says firmly, but then backtracks a little. “Well, I know you’re attracted to me at least.”

She blinks and shakes her head slightly, take aback. “Dr. Reid, this is not appropriate--”

“Please call me Spencer,” he says, then jumps into his explanation. “See, when we’re attracted to someone, our bodies display involuntary signals, and I’ve seen you do some of them when you’re around me. Whenever we run into each other here, your body will turn a little towards me and you’ll play with your hair. Your attention is almost entirely focused on me. And, when you see me, your pupils dilate. They did it when you opened the door just a few minutes ago. Oh, and I’m attracted to you, by the way,” he adds as he realizes how one-sided he’s been. “I imagine my pupils probably dilate when I see you, too.”

Her mouth opens and closes a few times, like she wants to speak but doesn’t know what to say. She looks flustered, and he wonders if maybe he’s pushed it too far or said too much, but he can’t turn back now. “So, please, let me take you out,” he says quietly. “Just… just give it a chance.”

She bites her lip and looks at the ground. There’s a crease between her eyebrows, which he’s come to learn means she’s thinking. She speaks seriously when she looks back up. “If I go out with you, I can’t treat you anymore. If you ever need another evaluation or session, you’d have to get it from someone else.”

“I know,” he says. “I get along well with the therapist you referred me to, though. And having to get clearance from a different psychologist at the bureau is something I’m willing to give up in favor of getting to know you better.”

She considers him. “You’re serious about this,” she states.

It’s not a question, but he answers it anyways. “I am.”

She tilts her head to the side, eyes unfocusing as she ponders the situation. Eventually, she says, “Let me think about it.”

It’s not exactly the answer he was hoping for, but he’ll take it.

---

It’s only six PM, but Spencer is already exhausted. He unlocks his apartment door, fully intending to collapse onto his bed, but instead receives a pleasant surprise in the form of his girlfriend waiting for him on the couch. He can’t help but smile.

“Sweetie, what are you doing here?” he asks, then adds, “Not that I’m complaining.”

“Penelope told me it was a bit of a rough case,” she replies. “And I missed you.”

She holds out her arms and he takes the invitation, joining her on the couch and laying down between her legs, placing his head on her chest. “I missed you, too.”

Her next words are overly familiar. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Hey, we agreed to no therapy,” he says. “Something about I can’t be your client anymore?”

She huffs. “This isn’t therapy. This is being a good partner.”

Spencer smiles into the fabric of her shirt, snuggling in closer. “I know, I’m just teasing you. I don’t need to talk about the case,” he says, finally answering her original question. “I feel fine now that I’m here with you.”

She lets out a pleased hum and starts running her fingers through his hair. “I ordered take-out for dinner, by the way.”

“Where from?”

“You know where.”

A wide grin spreads across his face. She must have ordered take-out from the restaurant he took her to on their first date. He lifts his head to look her in the eye. “Aren’t you glad you said yes to me all those months ago?”

“Oh, I suppose,” she says with pretend annoyance, rolling her eyes.

Then she kisses him.

Spencer’s never been so happy to be alive.

---------------

tell me what you thought here!

please note that i DO NOT ENDORSE asking out your therapist/former therapist. this is fanfiction. thank you.

general taglist: @calm-and-doctor , @spencerreid9

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid angst #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds self insert #spencer reid #angst #my fic #i just cannot stop myself from writing about mental health issues and treatment can i

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letarasstuff · 3 years

Text

Hold On

Summary: This is based on the song "Hold On" from Chord Overstreet. After weeks and months of arguments, hurtful words and pain Spencer's daughter is convinced that this is the only option for both's happiness.

Warnings: attempted suicide (not specified how), hospitals, angst, sad, hurtful words, mean Spencer in the beginning

Wordcount: 2k

✨Masterlist✨ _____________________________

Loving and fighting, accusing, denying I can't imagine a world with you gone

The last few weeks weren’t easy in the Reid household. There is not one day, where no loud screamed arguments are thrown through the entirety of the apartment.

“(Y/N), you have to see things from my point of view, too! My job is demanding and I can’t be there for every little competition you have”, Spencer tries to reason with his daughter.

“I have to see things from YOUR point?! Little competition?! DAD! This was the math olympics and, mind you and your busy schedule, it was not the ‘petty’ school round. I went against people from the WHOLE country! Just- I- Sometimes it would be nice to feel like I have a father caring for me for at least an hour. But I see, your job is more important than your child.”

Her father looks at her, speechless. He didn’t know how far she came in that competition. (Y/N) hasn’t said a thing, didn’t make a noise about it. How is he supposed to know all that then?

“Just because I’m a profiler doesn’t mean I’m able to read your mind. Just try and cut me some slack here, I- I need you to understand how important the things I do are. Can you try to be a little less ignorant, please?”

It feels like Spencer has punched her in the guts. For years (Y/N) backed down, knowing that her father’s work is in fact important. He is saving life for crying out loud, but is it really that selfish to ask for his attention every once in a while? Ever since she is basically able to be on her own it seems like he stopped caring for her.

“Ignorant? Oh Dad, you really are an amazing profiler”, the teenager says, her voice dripping with sarcasm, “You know what? Try and profile that!” She begins to walk out of the living room, showing him the bird. Seconds later her door smashes into the lock.

The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of I'd be so lost if you left me alone

Is he really that bad of a father?

When (Y/N) was born, he swore to himself to be the opposite of his own. Spencer wanted to be there for his daughter any time she wanted him to. School dances, spelling competition, kindergarten graduation, the whole nine yards.

But when was the last time they did something as a family. From cooking and eating dinner together nearly every night they went to occasionally seeing the other at the breakfast table before heading out.

Spencer understands her now. He is not better than his father at the moment. He just missed a big event in his daughter’s life and blames it on her. He called her ignorant, even though he is the one that didn’t pay attention. The oh so amazing profiler forgot to show his child that he loves her. That she is more important to him than anything in his life. He needs her in order to function, her love is the only thing that motivates him to do anything.

He knows he has to talk to (Y/N) about it, he was wrong and mean. Spencer just wants to give her time to cool off.

Meanwhile the teenager sits on her bed, staring at the wall. He did it again. He said these hurtful words. Tears stream down her face, but she is numb to them.

Everytime he calls her something, (Y/N) memorizes it. She doesn’t have an eidetic one, but when it’s about mean things, everybody has an elephant’s memory.

Ignorant.

Selfish.

Egoistic.

Childish. And many more.

And her father is right. She is all of the above and so much more.

Maybe he is better off without her. Better off without having to act like he cares for her.

She is a burden, she knows that. Her mother knew that from the beginning, why else would she have left them? Left her? Nobody’s life wouldn’t be better, if she isn’t in it anymore.

(Y/N) thought long and hard about this. Tonight just confirms her thoughts and boostes her decision.

Quietly she makes her way over to the bathroom, locking the door without making a noise. Hidden under towels is her little box. The contents she complained about using for so long.

You locked yourself in the bathroom Lying on the floor when I break through I pull you in to feel your heartbeat Can you hear me screaming? Please don't leave me

Twenty minutes have passed since (Y/N) smashed her door. Spencer hopes it is enough time for a teenager to cool off. He knocks on her door, waiting for an answer.

Nothing.

He tries again.

Nothing.

“Sweetheart? May I come in?”

The silence is louder than any gunshot he heard.

“Sweetheart, I want to apologize. May I open the door?”

Still nothing.

Spencer enters the room, finding it vacant. Oh of course, the moment he wants to talk with her she is in the bathroom. The Reids always had a thing for timing.

He knocks at the bathroom door. “Sweetheart, are you in there? Of course you are. Dumb question. I- I want to apologize. What I said wasn’t right and it was hurtful. Can- can you come out? There are a few things I have to make right.”

To his bewilderment there is no answer. No noises. A whole lot of nothing. This scares Spencer. “(Y/N), please say something. I care. I do. I love you, please answer me”, he desperately says.

Still no answer.

Spencer feels like he doesn’t have a different choice. He takes a step back and a deep breath, remembering what Derek taught him. With a loud crash he kicks the door open.

There she lies. His child. His daughte. The one human he promised to protect no matter what.

Her body lifeless, a small box next to her. Spencer identifies the contents immediately. His heart drops faster than he thought it to be possible.

In an instant he kneels next to (Y/N), pulling her in. His hands are shaking as he tries to take her pulse. “No no no no. NO! (Y/N), baby please open your eyes. Don’t leave me, no! You can’t do that, I love you, I love you so much. Don’t leave me, I need you!”

Hold on, I still want you Come back, I still need you Let me take your hand, I'll make it right I swear to love you all my life Hold on, I still need you

(Y/N) is in and out of consciousness. The dark seconds are terrifying to her. She regrets her choice.

In the seconds she is conscient, she hears a warm voice. The teenager feels safe now that it is there. At first the voice is quiet and blurry, but she is still able to catch a few words.

“Don’t” “Me” “Love you” “Much” “Need”

As her body finally slips away, she feels at ease. These words, it feels like lotion on her wounds. Because she also loves the voice and its person. She needs them like they need her.

Long endless highway, you're silent beside me Driving a nightmare I can't escape from Helplessly praying, the light isn't fading Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones

Spencer acts quickly. He knows his daughter doesn’t have much time left. He picks her up, trying to grab as many important things on his way out as possible. The genius runs to his car, hoping and praying to all the gods above that it will work after months of not using the vehicle. The motor does turn on to his relief.

The drive to the hospital feels longer than any roadtrip Spencer ever went on. The seconds tickle down and just like that (Y/N)’s chances. Chances of a happy ever after with him in her life, hopefully.

Not once does she move, her body looking more like a doll than a human being. Spencer just prays that it won’t be like this for long. He needs her, the light of his life. She can’t fade, she is not allowed to. It will break him. Darken his own light.

He has to be strong now. The glass is half full, the hospital only a few minutes away. (Y/N) will make it. Spencer doesn’t have any other option than that.

They took you away on a table I pace back and forth as you lay still They pull you in to feel your heartbeat Can you hear me screaming? Please don't leave me

“I need a doctor! A nurse! Somebody! My daughter, she-” Spencer screams, entering the ER with her lifeless body in his arms. He can’t end the sentence. But it’s also not necessary. A whole team of people crowd around the young man, one of them pulling a stretcher behind him.

Reluctantly Spencer lowers (Y/N) on it, knowing that he can’t do anything more. His child’s fate lies in the hands of the medical staff now. He has to trust them with her. With his lifeline.

One doctor takes her arm, trying to take a pulse. He shouts something, but Spencer’s ears are deaf to his words. Everything goes silent as they pull her away. Away from him.

He falls to his knees as reality hits him. He may not be a father any longer. And it’s his fault and his fault only.

“Please don’t leave me”, Spencer whispers.

Hold on, I still want you Come back, I still need you Let me take your hand, I'll make it right I swear to love you all my life Hold on, I still need you

Lights flash her. They hurt her eyes. But there is a greater pain (Y/N) can’t locate where it’s coming from. Where is her father? She needs him. She has to apologize. There are so many things she wants to say to him. To reassure him that she knows her decision was wrong.

As people continue to scramble around her, the pain intensifies. It becomes nearly unbearable and stops suddenly. The last thing she hears after a shrill high pitched tone is the voice of her father.

“I love you.”

I don't wanna let go I know I'm not that strong I just wanna hear you Saying, "Baby, let's go home" Let's go home Yeah, I just wanna take you home

“Family of (Y/N) Reid?” A doctor asks into the waiting room, looking exhausted. Spencer looks up from the floor. He memorized every little bump while pacing back and forth. He hasn’t called anybody. He doesn’t want to alarm then, not now. The young doctor needs time to understand what’s happening.

“Is she breathing?” is his first question. The doctor's face takes a pitiful look. “We stabilized her. But (Y/N) is still not through. We can’t say if she makes it through the night. If she does, we are sure she will be on a good way to a full recovery. Tonight will be critical for that. But (Y/N) showed us she is a fighter, maybe the chances aren’t that bad.”

Spencer is led through several halls to her room. He sits down in an uncomfortable hospital chair next to his daughter’s bed. Her hand is cold against his warm one. His are still shaking as he brushes a strand of her hair out of her face.

The only thing that Spencer wants right now is for (Y/N) to open her eyes and ask him to go home. He wants to take her there so desperately. But he can’t. Because he is the ignorant one.

“Hold on, I still want you Come back, I still need you, Sweetheart”, Spencer says, pressing a kiss onto her knuckles.

Taglist:

All works:

@dindjarinsspouse @big-galaxy-chaos

Criminal Minds:

@averyhotchner @mggsprettygirl @herecomesthewriterwitch @ash19871962

@ellyhotchner

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x daughter!reader #spencer reid #spencer reid x teen!reader #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #reader insert #x reader #x teen!reader #x daughter!reader #tw: suicide #Spotify

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lotusthewriter · 2 years

Text

Square One

Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe

Rating: T

Relationships: Tony & Peter

Characters: Tony Stark, Peter Parker, Happy Hogan; MINOR - Morgan Stark; MENTIONED - Pepper Potts, May Parker

Summary: “Speaking of that,” Tony remembers, “how’s the kid?”

The other man legitimately frowns. “Kid? You saw Morgan, didn’t you?”

Tony frowns, “Hap, come on. I mean the kid.” Happy only blinks like he knows nothing. “Peter? Peter Parker?”

Even being told his name, Happy only recognizes it after an entire minute. “Oh, Peter! I… I actually met him yesterday,” he says.

“… Happy, are you playing a prank on me?” Tony laughs nervously. “I know you’re right to be angry after I was gone for one whole year but come on, don’t joke about that.”

“No, Tony, I’m serious. I met him yesterday when we went to his aunt’s grave.”

“His… what ?”

Word count: 2.992

AO3

A/N: I have not seen No Way Home and I refuse to, I’ll just stay right here in my chair and make Irondad canon. RIP to Marvel but I’m different.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - canonical character death, past character death, trauma and implied suicidal thoughts

SPOILERS FOR NO WAY HOME.

Waking up after knowing you’d die is… certainly not too surprising.

He laughed at the face of death multiple times. Turns out the universe cannot kill Tony Stark, even if it wanted to. Even if he tried to accept that.

Problem is this time is not immediate.

Tony wakes up near his home, likely his own grave at the small and nice woods around his cabin house in the middle of nowhere. Some lady was walking there with her daughter. The child gasped and pointed at Tony like he was a shining star. Well. The mother’s jaw was not as dropped as his own stomach.

His right arm is… alright, like he didn’t snap his fingers in the first place. Maybe he time travelled? Even if he doesn’t have the stones with him…

Either way, Tony takes the way home, already meeting Morgan playing by the garden. Morgan doesn’t question it – she simply runs all the way to him to give him the biggest hug.

“I knew you’d come back,” Morgan tells him.

Tony laughs, “I always come back.”

Pepper is surprised, though. Apparently, Tony has been away for an entire year. He really wonders if he actually travelled through time. He’ll make sure to make the necessary calculations and experiments to find that out.

It’s so strange, because Tony feels like he’s only hibernated, not… died. He remembers Pepper staying with him when he died. Remembers telling him he could rest. Pepper and his now six-year-old daughter have had to live without him all this time.

His wife stays a good three hours glued to Tony like he would disappear at any minute. In the meantime, he played a lot with Morgan to make up for the lost time. By the end of the day, Tony promised he wouldn’t be away, and would just call his other friends.

He leaves a video message to Rhodey, who for any reason is busy today. Rhodey will probably go straight to his house and ground him for eternity. Fair.

Finally, Tony decides to call Happy, to know about a certain spider-kid. He wonders how Peter is. Peter was… very devastated before Tony collapsed.

We did it, Mr. Stark.

I’m sorry, Tony.

It rings for a while, but Happy eventually picks up. His voice is very much confused.

“Tony?” He asks for confirmation.

“The man himself.”

There’s a good silence.

“This isn’t recorded, right? You’re not a robot?” Happy questions.

“No, Happy, it’s me. I can send you a picture. I’m at home right now.”

With the suggestion, Happy does videocall him. Save for his gray beard, he hasn’t changed too much. And he seems to have learned how to actually do videocalls.

Waking up after knowing you’d die is… certainly not too surprising.

He laughed at the face of death multiple times. Turns out the universe cannot kill Tony Stark, even if it wanted to. Even if he tried to accept that.

Problem is this time is not immediate.

His right arm is… alright, like he didn’t snap his fingers in the first place. Maybe he time travelled? Even if he doesn’t have the stones with him…

Either way, Tony takes the way home, already meeting Morgan playing by the garden. Morgan doesn’t question it – she simply runs all the way to him to give him the biggest hug.

“I knew you’d come back,” Morgan tells him.

Tony laughs, “I always come back.”

He leaves a video message to Rhodey, who for any reason is busy today. Rhodey will probably go straight to his house and ground him for eternity. Fair.

Finally, Tony decides to call Happy, to know about a certain spider-kid. He wonders how Peter is. Peter was… very devastated before Tony collapsed.

We did it, Mr. Stark.

I’m sorry, Tony.

It rings for a while, but Happy eventually picks up. His voice is very much confused.

“Tony?” He asks for confirmation.

“The man himself.”

There’s a good silence.

“This isn’t recorded, right? You’re not a robot?” Happy questions.

“No, Happy, it’s me. I can send you a picture. I’m at home right now.”

With the suggestion, Happy does videocall him. Save for his gray beard, he hasn’t changed too much. And he seems to have learned how to actually do videocalls.

“Oh my god,” Happy gasps. “Pinch me.”

“I would if I was there,” Tony smirks.

“Tony… Tony, you’re really back?” Happy laughs, living up to this name. “Oh, man. I don’t know what to say. If only you knew what happened…”

“Looks like everything went south without me, huh?” Tony jokes.

Happy doesn’t laugh at that. “Oh, you have no idea…”

“Speaking of that,” Tony remembers, “how’s the kid?”

The other man legitimately frowns. “Kid? You saw Morgan, didn’t you?”

Tony frowns, “Hap, come on. I mean the kid.” Happy only blinks like he knows nothing. “Peter? Peter Parker?”

Even being told his name, Happy only recognizes it after an entire minute.

“Oh, Peter! I… I actually met him yesterday,” he says.

“… Happy, are you playing a prank on me?” Tony laughs nervously. “I know you’re right to be angry after I was gone for one whole year but come on, don’t joke about that.”

“No, Tony, I’m serious. I met him yesterday when we went to his aunt’s grave.”

“His… what ?”

Happy looks down in sorrow. He’s not kidding; not that he would ever kid about that.

“May died yesterday. We couldn’t save her,” he explains, guilty.

“… No,” Tony whispers, “No… No, Happy, please tell me that didn’t actually happen. I must be still dead. There’s no way…”

Happy sighs. “I’m sorry, Tony. Apparently, no one remembers what happened. I don’t remember what happened. Peter won’t tell me…”

Tony only tries to deny May’s death, but Happy truly looks like he’s aged ten years. It only happened yesterday. Tony initially thinks, I could’ve saved her if I got there in time. But it shouldn’t be his course of action. Blaming himself is never helpful.

“Where’s Peter?” He asks, taking a deep breath.

“He’s living with me at my apartment. He won’t come out of his room for anything…”

His kid is suffering, Tony can tell. Peter only shuts out when something happens. He cannot imagine how he must be feeling after losing his aunt. May was the only family he still had after Ben.

“I’ll be right there, alright? The kid will probably not believe I’m real, but I’ll be there for him,” Tony assumes, not laughing about it. “I’ll call a suit. And give you a hug, because you look like you need it, Hap.”

“Yeah, I won’t deny it,” Happy sighs again. “Thanks, Tony. I’ll be waiting.”

“Thank you for taking care of Peter, too. I’ll see what I can do.”

“Alright. See you, Tony.”

“Bye.”

Yeah, everything truly went to shit without him. He just wonders why it took so long for him to come back. Well, he can’t change it so he must act.

Pepper isn’t confident to let Tony alone after just being brought back. She doesn’t want to wake up again and not find him with her in their room. Tony promises he’ll be back home. Just like he told Morgan, he’ll always come back, no matter what happens. Apparently, not even if he straight up dies. Death isn’t match to him.

Tony flies to Happy’s apartment, the same one after years. New York doesn’t look like it’s changed. But considering Happy – and Pepper and Morgan too when Tony told them about Peter – doesn’t remember anything from before, he wonders if the world was really reset.

It takes at least five minutes to arrive, and Happy is already waiting at the door. He’s the one who hugs Tony first, for that matter. Oh, he missed the big guy.

“Peter is right there,” Happy points at the door. “You try not to scare him too much, okay?”

“No promises.” Tony sighs, “Alright, here we go.”

The hero hesitates before knocking on the door, and slowly opening it as there’s no answer, finding what seems to be a simple guest room and a miserable, small figure on their knees on the floor.

“Kid?” Tony tries.

Peter instantly raises his head, and Tony notices the kid has been crying just in one glance. And like Pepper, the teen is completely horrified. But more horrified than everyone that saw Tony again.

“No,” Peter shakes his head, “No, please don’t do this to me.”

Tony’s heart aches at how deniable he sounds. “Peter—”

“You’re not real. You can’t be real. Dr. Strange is just messing with me, isn’t he? Are you Dr. Strange?” Peter sobs, his eyes filling with tears again. “I know I messed up, okay? Please leave me alone.”

“No, Peter, it’s me. I would never hurt you, no matter if you messed up or not.”

Peter continues to deny it. “This is my punishment, isn’t it? Not a single friend of mine remembers me and now I have to remember I killed him?”

So, this is what happened, isn’t it? Dr. Strange is behind all of this? That sounds like the guy.

“Peter, believe me, I’m as confused as you are. I don’t even know how I got back,” Tony admits, “But it’s really me, on the flesh. I’m right here, kiddo.”

“Prove it. Just prove it for once. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Tony tries not to cry with Peter, as he must be strong.

“The last thing I remember was seeing you cry, and how much I didn’t want you to cry. You were begging for me to stay. I wanted to, kid. I would’ve stayed if I weren’t so weak.” He replays the whole scene in his head. “The thing I remember before that was finally holding you. I’d missed you so much, Pete. You’d woken up just like I did today: without any memories, like we were just in a deep sleep. You had no idea what was going on and you were telling me the entire story again. And all I could think was that I’d gotten my kid back. I could finally hold you again.”

Peter stays quiet but he cries more, except he doesn’t sob for now. At Tony’s heartfelt words, the kid seems to believe him.

“I-I really messed up, Mr. Stark.”

Tony takes that as a sign to sit in front of him but allow the space Peter needs. What must the kid be thinking, he’ll never know.

“Tell me what happened,” Tony requests, softly.

Peter sniffs. “E-Everyone found out who I really was. My friends and my aunt were getting hurt for it. MJ and Ned couldn’t get into MIT, May couldn’t get another job, everyone struggled because of me,” he swallows his sob. “I-I asked Dr. Strange to erase everyone’s memories, but that collapsed the whole multiverse somehow. There were other villains, other Spider-Men, it almost destroyed the entire world.” He pauses to regain breath. “I thought I could fix it. I thought I could fix the villains because they were just people who were done wrong. The other two Spider-Men too, they just wanted to go home. And- they did, sure, that’s good, but Dr. Strange actually casted the spell and everything was back to normal. But I didn’t expect people not to remember my face at all. I’m a nobody, Mr. Stark.”

That’s… quite a lot of information, but like Tony said, Peter was in the same place not too long ago. He knows some things, though:

“Alright. Remind me to kick Strange’s ass later,” Tony tells him, not joking. He’s quite too serious. That would do. “But gosh, kid. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling right now. I… I really don’t know what to say. Only that I could’ve helped you if I were there, but…” Tony sighs, “I’m sorry, kiddo.”

Peter sniffs again. “I-I lost May, Mr. Stark. I couldn’t save her. I killed my family again.”

“Oh, no, kiddo. You didn’t kill May.”

“But she died because the Green Goblin got to her, and he got here because of me. S-She would’ve been just fine if I didn’t ask for that stupid cast,” the teenager pulls his own unkept brown curls. “Maybe it’s best if MJ and Ned don’t remember me at all. They could’ve died, too. Everyone dies because of me, so maybe I should just disappear.”

“No, no, don’t say that. Peter,” Tony begs, “please don’t say that.”

“But it’s true, isn’t it? May isn’t gonna come back. I thought you wouldn’t come back either, and- and I didn’t do anything when you died. That’s how Ben and my parents died, too, I’m dangerous, I’ll kill everyone. I might even kill Happy. I-I should just run away.”

“No, I’m not letting you do that.”

“Why? W-Why won’t you stay away from me?” Peter’s voice shatters. “Why won’t you stay with your family?”

Although Tony’s heart definitely breaks, he stays.

“Because you’re my family too, Peter.”

Peter shakes his head but only seems to cry more.

“T-Tony, you need to stay away from me. I d-don’t want to kill you again.”

For once the older man approaches a hand. Peter freezes like a deer caught in headlights as soon as Tony touches him. The other is also shocked. He didn’t remember feeling Peter’s presence. He didn’t remember what holding Peter felt like. Until now.

Peter’s cheek is pretty much wet and red and kind of gross, but Tony doesn’t care. Peter’s hand touches his, too. That’s the kid’s cue to throw his arms around Tony, like he’d been holding in for all this time.

Tony sighs and hugs him back as tight as he can, as Peter sobs in his shoulder. Tony kisses the side of his neck, no longer hiding his own tears.

“I’ve got you, kiddo,” he reassures his kid. “I’m glad I still remember you.”

Peter breaks at this sentence, his weight sinking in Tony’s arms. He sobs so loudly, so painfully, but Tony knows he has been hiding this for so long, so he lets him sob and grieve and cry as much as he needs.

“I swear, Pete, you don’t deserve to be alone. You really don’t.”

The teen hiccups, “B-But I messed up so badly…”

“Nothing could ever make you deserve to be forgotten. You’re so lovable, kid. If I ever had to forget you, I would be the saddest man alive.”

Peter laughs, “Y-You’re exaggerating, right?”

“No, I’m not.” Tony sobs as well, “Why do you think I snapped?”

“Tony…” Peter’s grip loses itself a little, but it tightens again. “I’m not worth it.”

The hero sighs. “It’s okay if you don’t believe me yet. But I’ll prove it to you, Pete, you’re so much worth it, and your aunt and your friends knew it. Your uncle knew it. None of them are gone because of you. It’s because sometimes the world is cruel, and it’s crueler to some people. But it’s not your fault the world is fucked up.”

Peter thinks over it. “E-Even if I destroyed it?”

“Even then, Pete. You destroyed it because it destroyed you. And yet you still wanted to fix it again.”

The kid finally looks like he’s listening and believing Tony’s words, but obviously he’s not any less hurt.

“I-I just want May back,” he begs.

“I know. I know, kiddo.” Tony takes some of the kid’s hair and smooths it. “I miss her, too.”

He remembers May’s scent and how excited she was, how much she loved Peter and wanted to protect him and look after him the best she could. Tony misses their talks, their coffee breaks, he misses the time he asked her about having kids because he would dream so much about it, and she would imply he already had one, but that Peter would love little siblings.

The news of her death was like a punch to his stomach, it hurt as much as Thanos’ stab against him. He hasn’t quite accepted it. Imagine how Peter must feel, then.

Losing a parent, losing someone when they’re right there and you can do nothing but watch…

He can only hope he doesn’t lose anyone else again.

“I’ll stick in with you, Peter. I promise. If you let me, we’ll figure this out. We’ll beat the hell out of Dr. Strange together.”

Peter laughs, “He’d beat your ass first, though.”

“Don’t test me, kiddo. I beat a god once.”

“Right.” Peter pauses. “I just wish I could go home,” he whispers.

Tony caresses his back. “Me too, kiddo. At least we’ve got each other.”

“Yeah…” Peter finally relaxes in his hug, even if for now. “I’ve got you back, Tony.”

Tony smiles, not minding if the kid takes a nap right there.

“Yeah, you did.”

#marvel #tony stark #peter parker #irondad #happy hogan #death tw #suicide mention tw #hurt/comfort #fanfiction

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s-odasoda · 3 years

Text

My thoughts on the LOKI series

Yall can scream “it’s so in character of Loki to fall in love with himself” all you want but I will still believe he was out of character the entire season. This man was literally suicidal not long ago now he’s acting like some love sick puppy over another version of himself. The way he fell for her was waaay too quick and the fact that it’s completely one sided has me wondering why on earth marvel even bothered.

They said this series would really be about self love, they were doing a good job at it for a while. In episode 1-3 I felt like Loki was definitely getting some character development and beginning to journey down the path of self love and forgiveness.

This is one of my main problems with Sylki because as soon as it was really introduced that all completely shifted. The story was no long centred around Loki and his journey in self love but instead was some selfcest romance story.

This is so harmful and I don’t get how people don’t see it because all it did was completely scratch away all his character development and enforce the idea that Loki is incapable of loving anyone but himself or “another version of himself”. This IS NOT SELFLOVE.

Even if Marvel did want to say that Loki loving Sylvie was a version of self love them completely stripping Sylvie’s character of all the things that fundamentally make her a Loki just so that it doesn’t feel weird to ship makes it so that it doesn’t even feel like self Love because they’re trying so hard to make her not a Loki.

Yet they contradict themselves by constantly feeling the need to remind the audience that they indeed are the same person and shipping them is weird whilst continuing to show them romantically. Including scenes like Mobius calling the relationship out for being “sick” and “twisted” or Sylvie telling Loki that “they’re the same” and Kang purposely calling Sylvie Loki just to highlight that they’re the same person and calling the relationship “unnatural” makes no sense to me if Marvel act wants us to enjoy this ship. Like make up your mind do you enjoy selfcest or not Marvel? Because it feels like one minute their otp and the next you like NOPE.

A romance was not necessary at all this season and while I do ship Lokius I didn’t even want that to become an actual thing this season because it’s just too fast. Especially with Sylvie and Loki’s relationship they’re was no need to make it romantic.

It would have felt much more impactful had Loki either 1.) Fell in love with someone who wasn’t himself.

2.) Had a relationship with Sylvie that actually revolved around self love.

3.) Fell in love with the person he actually originally had a bond with in the series and who ACTUALLY helped him along his journey for self love and forgiveness. Not the person who he met halfway through the series. Cough Mobius Cough.

Let’s not even go into the lack of actual Genderfluid representation and Bisexual representation. I’m neither so I don’t feel like I’m the right person the go in depth but a few things that really annoyed me are

1.) Loki is Bisexual that means he’s attracted to BOTH men and women so why do we only see his attraction towards women in the entire show (Canonically) even the flight attendant, they could have easily made her a man but nah let just show him flirting with yet another woman. ONE AMBIGUOUS LINE is not enough to claim that a character is bisexual

2.) Loki never actually getting to be genderfluid in the series and then treating all Loki’s like they’re cisgender when they’re not. (You can come at me and say the fluid on the file was just stating he could shapeshift but Kate Herron and Tom Hiddleston confirmed that Loki is actually genderfluid yet we got no representation of this.)

3.)Them saying that it seems“terrifying” that there would be a Female Loki when they’re literally meant to be genderfluid was so unnecessary and as someone who isn’t even genderfluid it deeply upset me.

The actual kiss to me felt like it was only a manipulation tactic on Sylvies part. It wasn’t romantic she was just using him. If you look back you can see that Sylvie never actually showed any signs of returning feelings for Loki. The fact that she never trusted Loki doesn’t seem like the best way to build a relationship.

Now it honestly feels like Loki is right back where he started but worse cuz he’ll probably not be able trust easily anymore. It feels almost like they only used his character so that they could introduce the multiverse and I feel like there’s way better ways they could have gone about that.

Edit: I wrote this in a sleep deprived state so I had to edit it there to make it make more sense. I also wanted to include that overall I actually did enjoy this series I definitely didn’t hate it. I just believe that they didn’t do Loki’s character justice. I really enjoyed a lot of scenes and the acting in it was OUTSTANDING. I’m looking forward to see what season 2 brings and hopefully they’ll take a different approach with certain things.

No one has to agree with any of the points I stated here. This is literally just my sleep deprived rant so I really hope I don’t get a bunch of hate comments on why I’m an idiot and this is all totally wrong. This isn’t meant to offend people it’s MY opinion. Thank you.

#loki #loki series #lokius #loki laufeyson #sylvie laufeydottir #mobius #mobius m mobius #time husbands #wowki #antisylki #marvel rant #I can’t believe this ended up on the y0ung r0y@ls tag #i’m mortified

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isthisthingeven0n · 4 years

Text

number eleven : s.r

a serial killer is at large in atlana, carving numbers into his victims and throwing their bodies from rooftops. yet, things seem to hit a little too close to home for your liking, and sadly you get caught up in it all (4.2k)

( this is an original idea of mine, I’ve gone based off what I know in the show but the killer is made up! pls do not steal my concept without at least asking, and i hope you enjoy :) )

“It’ll be okay, Spence,” You fight against the unsubs hold as his arm remains pressed against your neck. “just, don’t give up.”

“Please, let her go!” You can hear the crack in his voice as his gun shakes in his grip, his eyes not leaving yours as tears pool. “You don’t have to do this, there’s another choice for you.”

The unsub scoffs as you wince at he breathes into your ear. “This ends with you.”

Two Days Earlier

“Hey, Spencer,” You smile as you walk through the doors to the bullpen, two cups of coffee in hand as you place onto his desk. “how was the Doctor Who convention?”

Out of everyone in the team, you were the only one to pay attention to the small details Spencer shares. You always have done, ever since you first joined the BAU, you noticed the subtle eye rolls as he rambled on with facts and statistics so you made sure to always pay attention.

Lifting his head up, Spencer can feel a smile tugging his lips as you take a seat at your desk adjacent to his. “You would’ve loved it. They had the original designs from the Cybermen’s first appearance in 1966, ‘The Tenth Planet’ and for the time, it was high tech stuff.” He explains whilst you listen contently, oblivious to the others watching you both.

“God, they’re so into each other it hurts.” Emily sighs as Penelope nods along.

JJ walks over to the girls, catching sight of what they’re fixated on. “Why can’t they just say something? I mean, it’s been three years.” Penelope questions, but JJ simply chuckles.

“This is Spencer and Y/n we’re talking about.” JJ comments. “For one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, Spencer can be stupid sometimes.” She states, returning her focus to how you look at Spencer as he talks, but also how willing Spencer is to be close to you and laughs at your input in between his rambles.

“I bet twenty dollars he’ll say something by the end of the year.” Rossi chimes in, but Emily scoffs.

“Dream on, Rossi.” She comments, but Rossi shrugs his shoulders.

Hotch exits his office, catching a glance from the girls who quickly stand up straight. “We’ve got a new case,” He announces, passing between you and Spencer on the way.

As you all enter the board room, you sit beside Spencer as you look at the tablet in front of you whilst he sticks to the original file.

“Within the past few months in Atlanta, Georgia, at least nine women have been found dead having fallen from rooftops, all in their twenties, latest victim was Caroline Kutes, twenty-three. Last seen having gone for a run after her shift at a local diner.” Penelope explains as you scroll through the images, seeing what was left of them from the crime scene.

“It’s not some suicide pack, is it?” Morgan speaks up, but Penelope shakes her head.

“I’m glad you asked, sugar.” She turns her back as she pulls up more images, displaying the victims left forearms.

“Numbers?” You question, zooming in onto the number three having been carved into the victim's flesh. “Someone’s keeping track.”

“So we know there are nine confirmed victims of this unsub then, it’s not a suicide pack.” Hotch states. “The police have requested our insight on the case, wheels up in thirty.”

Closing the tablet you push your chair back. “You alright?” Spencer asks you as everyone begins to file out.

You force a small smile, nodding. “Yeah, just some cases are never easy.” You mutter before heading out and grabbing your things.

Arriving straight to the latest crime scene, Hotch splits the team up. “Prentiss, I want you and Morgan to go to the rooftop, see if there’s anything left by the unsub or Caroline Kutes. Reid, Y/L/N, go to the morgue to take a look at the carvings and if there’s any other sign of torture.”

With that, you climb into a car with Spencer, looking at the drop from the building to where Hotch stands. “One hell of a fall.” You whistle as the driver pulls away, Spencer not missing your comment or how you’ve been wiping your hands over your pants since you arrived.

Standing in the morgue, Spencer took the lead as you stood back whilst bodies were examined. “There isn’t any sign of sexual assault on any of the women, but there are bruises across the neck and the carvings on the arm.” The diener explains. “From the fall she suffered several broken bones, a collapsed lung and a crack to her skull along with internal bleeding.”

“Are you saying she was alive when she hit the ground?” You speak up, stepping closer to see how they’ve managed to clean up the victims face, what remains from the large gash in her head.

“Yes, but only for a minute. She chocked to death on her own blood.” The diener states and you can’t help but feel a shiver through your spine.

“It’s most likely the unsub approached these women, if Caroline was out for a run, he might’ve asked her for directions or grabbed her. If she was grabbed, it would explain the bruising on the neck in an attempt to cut the circulation off to the brain, rendering her unconscious.” Spencer suggests, looking over to you as you remain too quiet for his liking. “You in there?”

Snapping out from your thoughts, you nod. “So the unsub approaches these women, tries to strangle them and then takes them to a rooftop. He isn’t sexually assaulting these women, but why throw them off a roof?”

“If he’s trying to pose it as suicide, it’s unusual for women to throw herself off a roof, it’s too dramatic. If a woman were to commit suicide, she’d overdose or drown herself. A subtle way to go.” Spencer explains as you nod along. “It’s almost as if he’s apologetic. He wants them to suffer, but can’t inflict the pain besides carving a number into their forearm.” Spencer looks over the number on Caroline’s arm. “You can see in some area’s he didn’t go deep enough with the knife, he’s dug in multiple times to carve out enough skin to make it bleed.”

“Maybe he’s a narcissist? Keeping track of his victims, making sure no one else can take the limelight for these girls.” You state. “I mean, he knows he isn’t going to get caught by the girls. Based on Caroline, she could barely move let alone tell anyone who did this.”

“I’ve seen countless bodies from suicide by jumping from buildings. It’s a rarity if you survived such a fall like this.” The diener tells you. “Clearly they knew what they were doing.”

“Contrary to popular belief, when the body falls from a height their head does not splatter onto the ground. Their bones will break and splay out, but if you were to fall from say a 48 feet building you’re most likely to live with a 50% chance of surviving.” Spencer explains, and you nod along.

“But our unsub picks tall buildings. Office blocks, malls, parking lots.” You tell Spencer who hums. “He knows they’re not going to survive the fall.”

“Yes, but statistically,” Spencer begins, but your phone begins to ring cutting him off.

“Sorry, Spence.” You tell him with an apologetic smile before moving out from the morgue, taking the phone call. “Yeah?”

“Ah, my sweet angel. Have you found Cupid’s arrow yet?” Penelope chuckles, causing you to roll your eyes. “How’s the case going? No one’s called to update me on the gruesome details.”

You sigh quietly. “Honestly, Pen, you’re lucky.” You tell her. “And what’d you mean by Cupid’s arrow?”

Penelope groans loudly through the phone, and you can hear her head hitting the keyboard before she apologises to it. “Y/n, how are you so pretty yet oblivious to the attraction of one Spencer Reid?”

“I, what?” You stumble over your words as you look over your shoulder to see Spencer staring back at you with a small smile on his lips as he waves to you. “I, he, Spencer? No,” You scoff, trying to think about anything else to reduce the spike in your heart rate.

“I’m no profiler, but I know things,” Penelope states.

“You’ve got it all wrong, Pen. Sorry to disappoint you, but there is no way he could ever like-”

“Y/n?” Spencer calls out, now standing in the doorway in front of you. “Hotch wants us to meet him, has a potential lead.”

“Sorry P, I gotta go.” You tell Penelope before she has the chance to say anything else and hang up the phone.

Walking alongside Spencer, you can’t help but notice how close he is to you. For someone who is a bit of a germaphobe, he’ll always sit with you before anyone else. During a flight last month with bad turbulence, he held your hand in his as you began to fall asleep, resting your head on his shoulder. You woke up concerned he’d mind, but Spencer just smiled and offered his shoulder any time.

“So, what’s the lead?” You ask as you walk into the police precinct, finding the rest of your team in a small room as boards with pictures have already been set up.

“I’ve checked with Garcia about the possibility that whoever is doing this must have some form of access to each of these buildings. There has to be something tying them together,” Prentiss begins.

“Like a cleaning company, or security?” JJ suggests.

Emily nods before grabbing a file and reading directly from it. “SecureO is a security company based all over Atlanta. They have hundreds of security guards working at various office blocks, department stores, parking lots. You name it, they’ve got people there.”

“And our unsub works for them?” You question, looking at the file to see the hundreds of names. “How are we supposed to find him?”

Hotch reaches out to call Garcia. “And here I thought you forgot about me.” Penelope states through the line, and Morgan smiles to himself.

“Garcia, can you take a look at the employee records for SecureO and crosscheck to see if any of them have criminal records.” Hotch asks as you listen intently to Penelope typing away.

“Okay, fifty-seven members of staff have criminal records.” Penelope states.

“How about any with troubled pasts? Maybe this guy is using these women as a form of release. He’s not sexually assaulting them, so it’s less likely to be about an ex, maybe it’s more personal.” You suggest, and Spencer scans through the file once again before looking back at the victims on the board.

“You, my pretty might be onto something,” Garcia chirps. “right, there are twelve members of staff who grew up in the foster system. I’m sending their details over to you right as we speak.”

“Wait, Penelope,” Spencer calls out and Hotch raises his head. “how many of those twelve lost family? Basing on their age and strength, he must be at least in his late twenties or early thirties. Try looking up any accidents in the state in the late eighties to early nineties.”

“Thinking he might have never left the state?” Morgan questions, his arms crossed over his chest.

Clearing his throat, Spencer stands taller beside you as you glance up at him with a reassuring smile. “Looking at all these women, they’re all young and pretty. Anyone who grew up in the system is less likely to leave the place they’re comfortable in. If our unsub grew up in Georgia, he would’ve stayed here and have gotten a job at eighteen. SecureO has been around for twelve years, and five of these employees have been around since it began.”

“Okay, I’ll send across anything once I’ve found it.” Penelope speaks up and hangs up the phone.

“Good work, Reid. Let’s go deliver the profile.” Hotch nods as he leads the way out of the room, Rossi patting Spencer’s shoulder as he departs.

“Not too shabby, Doctor.” You nudge Spencer playfully and he softly chuckles as you walk out.

“Couldn’t have done it without you, Y/n.” He mutters under his breath as you walk out of earshot.

Entering the station the next morning, you looked around as solemn expressions greeted you.

“What’s happened?” You ask, taking a seat beside Spencer who notions to JJ.

“Another victim was found in the early hours of this morning. Amelie Hartnell, twenty, was discovered on top of a dumpster in a back alley below a seven-story abandoned office building.” JJ passes over the file to you as you flick through the images whilst you hold your breath.

“She was only twenty,” You mutter to yourself, unaware of Spencer eyeing you carefully. “there’s something about the carving on her, it isn’t as deep. You can see it’s a lot shallower than the others.” You explain.

“He was in a rush this time.” Morgan states. “But if it was an abandoned building, who was going to see him?”

“I’m not sure,” Hotch mutters. “call Garcia, see if she’s found anything yet about those five employees.”

“On it. Baby girl,” Morgan comments before exiting the room.

“You seem tired, Y/n.” Rossi speaks up, and you lift your head up to see the concern in his eyes. “Is something bothering you?”

Shaking your head, you dismiss the matter as the team look over at you. “I’m fine, just thinking about a few things. Didn’t get much sleep last night.” You tell him, but Spencer can tell there’s something else underlying you’re not saying. “Excuse me, I just need some air.” You mutter before exiting the precinct.

Watching you walk away, Spencer sighs. “Well, go follow her,” Rossi motions to Spencer who quickly gets up and exits the room. “these kids, I swear.” He mutters to himself once Spencer is out of sight.

As you walk out, you take a deep breath, clearing your thoughts. “Y/n,” Spencer calls out and you turn around, forcing a smile. “something’s clearly bothering you.” He states as you move away to sit on a bench whilst Spencer hovers beside you.

“When I was growing up, I had a friend, Sylvia,” You start, and Spencer watches as you brush your hands over your pants once more. “she moved to Savannah and we just grew apart, but I’ll never forget her brother, Killian.”

Spencer sits down beside you, your leg touching his as he reaches out and takes your hand. “Y/n, what was it about Killian?” He questions quietly.

“He was always there, just watching us.” You mumble, remembering those bright blue eyes always in the background, never leaving you or Sylvia. “But, their parents, they died in a car crash when Sylvia was thirteen, Killian was fourteen.” You begin to explain as you exhale a shaky breath.

Squeezing Spencer’s hand, he shushes you. “It’s okay, just, take it one memory at a time.” He reassures you as your eyes remain tightly shut.

“From what I know, Sylvia couldn’t take it, losing her parents,” You swallow the lump in your throat as you open your eyes, focusing on Spencer’s. “she killed herself, by jumping off of the roof of a mall.”

“Just like the first victim.” Spencer mutters as he quickly stands up. “We gotta tell Hotch.”

“Why didn’t you mention this sooner, Y/n?” Hotch stressed as he frowns at you, but Spencer remains by your side as you keep your focus on the team, eyeing the photos behind Emily.

“I suppressed a lot of memories from when I was growing up, I forgot all about Killian and Sylvia, but seeing these photos it just made me think back to it all.” You explain, looking around at all of your team. “I’m sorry for holding back.” You apologise, and JJ smiles as she walks over, hugging you lightly.

“Garcia, can you look up Killian and Sylvia Atwork?” You speak up into the phone and Penelope begins to type rapidly before pausing.

“Oh my god,” She mutters. “Killian has been working at SecureO for ten years. He was employed when he turned eighteen and is in charge of the security footage for various locations.”

Hotch rises to his feet. “We have to inform the police department and the news outlets, JJ, can you sort a press conference?”

“I’m on it.” JJ states as she begins to call her contacts, taking the call in another room.

“Y/n, we might’ve just had a break in the case because of you, thank you.” Hotch comments and Rossi gives you a subtle thumbs up. “Garcia, I need you to look at any other buildings that SecureO are in charge of the security systems, see if our unsub is heading to any of these next. If we’re lucky, we’ve got enough time to stop him killing again.”

“Will do, Sir.” Penelope calls out from the phone.

“You think we’ll get him in time?” You speak up, fiddling with the hem of your cardigan.

“Hopefully.” Hotch sighs and JJ walks back in.

“Ready when you are, Hotch.”

* The plan was simple, and it should’ve been effective. All of you were teamed off into pairs. Prentiss and Morgan, JJ and Rossi, Hotch and the chief of police whilst you went with Reid.

“I’m proud of you, Y/n.” Spencer mutters as you sit beside him in the car on route to the office block about ten minutes west of the station. “Without you, we might not have gotten to this point.”

Spencer can’t help but feel warm inside as you smile up at him. “You think so?”

“I know for a fact.” He states as his hand reaches out to yours as he pulls up to the building. “Just keep an eye out, and don’t do anything stupid.”

“Again.” You add as you close the car door, securing your vest on as the pair of you begin to head up to the roof of the building, you leading the way.

“Any sign, Y//L/N?” Hotch asks through your earpiece.

Looking around, you keep your gun extended in front of you as you quietly open the door to the roof. “Negative.” You state, turning the corner as you continue to search the place whilst Spencer is still coming up the stairs.

“Reid, my dead grandmother could’ve gotten up those stairs faster than you.” You joke playfully as he comes into sight, the sun beginning to set behind you illuminating his hazel eyes as they widen.

“Y/n!” Spencer yells, but you’re too slow to react as an arm is tightly holding your neck whilst a knife is being pressed against your back beneath the vest.

“Long time no see, huh, Y/n?” Killian mutters into your ear as he begins to drag you back as you sight against him. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you, this can end one of two ways, I prefer to keep this clean.”

“We need back up and medics at 1238 Meadow Lane, I repeat, we need backup. Killian is here, he, he has Y/n.” Saying that through the comms immediately causes his heart to sink as tears fill your eyes.

“We’re coming now,” Hotch announces, and you can hear the sound of sirens across the city as Killian drags you toward the edge of the roof with you in front of him.

“Spence,” You focus on Spencer’s face as his gun remains out, directed at Killian’s head. “what are the statistics of surviving this?” You ask him as a tear falls down your cheek.

“Y/n,” Spencer starts, but you shake your head as you fight against Killian, taking shallow breaths as he continues to apply pressure to your windpipe.

“Please,” You breathe out as Killian chuckles against you. “I need to know.”

The truth of the matter is you know your odds of making it out alive are slim to none, but you wanted to hear Spencer ramble one last time.

“From a building like this, a ten-story drop your odds aren’t great, in fact, falls from ten-story buildings have a 90% chance of death.” He explains, his gun now shaking in his hand as he pictures you on the ground below, bleeding out. “Those, those who survive can be paralysed if they land on their backs, permanent brain damage from skull fractures or,” Spencer stops himself as Killian focuses on him.

“Do finish Doctor Reid, I’m enjoying this.” Killian states, and you shudder at the fact he’s finding this entertaining.

“In cases like Sylvia, she survived but was left to bleed out.” Spencer finishes, and your eyes widen. “You see, Sylvia wasn’t suicidal like we thought. She was just in the wrong place, wasn’t she, Killian?” Spencer steps closer, but you wince as you can feel the knife starting to pierce your skin.

“No, Sylvia killed herself. I, I saw it.” Killian yells, tightening his grip around your neck as your hands lie limply by your sides. “I would never hurt her.”

“Not intentionally,” Spencer comments. “you were playing, and you knocked her, didn’t you?”

Killian shakes his head. “No! She jumped!” You can feel his heart beating against you. “She jumped and never said goodbye, she left me all alone.” He cries out.

“Killian, I’m sorry.” You manage to say. “It wasn’t your, your fault.”

“She left me here.” He spits at you. “Everyone else moved on, but I was left with the guilt.”

“There’s always another way, Killian.” You speak softly, focusing on Spencer. “But if this is it,” You start, but Spencer shakes his head. “Spencer, I’m so sorry.” You let your tears fall freely down your cheeks as Spencer steps closer.

“Y/n, don’t do this.” Spencer tells you.

“I love you Spence, but please, please be strong for me.” You can feel yourself beginning to slip out of consciousness as Killian continues to apply more pressure around your neck.

“There’s another way out, Killian. I promise you, just let Y/n go.” Spencer is yelling at the top of his lungs as Killian simply laughs.

“You think there’s another option? You sure you’re a Doctor, kid?” Killian scoffs.

“It’ll be okay, Spence,” You fight against the unsubs hold as his arm remains pressed against your neck. “just, don’t give up.”

The unsub scoffs as you wince at he breathes into your ear. “This ends with you.”

Closing your eyes, you embrace the feeling as Killian falls backwards, taking you with him.

“NO!” Spencer screams, running over as Killian lets go of you at the last second.

Spencer grabs a hold of your hand, but within a split second, it slips. “Spence,” You cry out as you hang on to the ledge of the building with all your might.

The sound of Killian hitting the floor only worsens your fear as Spencer begins to pull you up. All you can hear is the sound of your heart in your ears as the sirens dull behind you whilst Spencer is yelling in front of you, yet you can’t hear any of it.

“Come on, Y/n, stay with me!” Spencer screams as another pair of hands appear by his side.

“Come on, we’ve got you.” Hotch states, pulling you up with Spencer and away from the ledge.

Immediately you fall into Spencer’s arms, your hands gripping his arms as you sob into his chest. “It’s okay, I’m not letting go.” Spencer holds you tightly as he looks up at Hotch, his expression saying more than words can.

“We need a medic!” Hotch yells as three men appear, checking over you as you remain sat with Spencer on the roof, far away from the ledge.

“You’re okay,” Spencer tells you as you go quiet, going into shock as the medics help you out from the building and into the ambulance as your team stands by.

“Oh thank god.” JJ blurts out as Spencer exits the building, enveloping him into a tight hug. “Are you alright?” She checks as she pulls away, but Spencer can’t help himself as he focuses on you in the back of the ambulance, wrapped in foil as the medics check you over.

JJ follows Spencer’s gaze and can’t help but force back her smile.

“Go on, you should be with her.” She assures him, but Spencer pauses.

“Y/n told me she loves me.” Spencer quietly tells JJ who quirks an eyebrow. “You, you knew didn’t you?”

JJ chuckles under her breath. “Spence, we all knew. But she doesn’t know you love her too, does she?”

Spencer shakes his head as he glances back over to you, seeing you being given the all-clear as you begin to rise to your feet.

Immediately, Spencer darts over to help you, his hand resting on your waist as you look up at him. “Spence, I,” You stumble over your words, watching as Killian’s body is being transported away in the body bag.

“Hey, don’t focus on that,” Spencer rests his hand on your cheek. “you’re alive, and I guess you beat the statistic.” He states, listening as you laugh lightly.

“Probably because I didn’t fall.” You add.

“But you almost did, and, and I would never have had the chance to tell you this,” Spencer tells you.

“Tell me what?” You ask, looking up at him with hesitation.

Spencer opens his mouth and after exactly three years, two months and nine days of knowing you and falling in love with you, he cannot find the right words to string together. “In the English language. there are 171,476 words. I’ve only ever needed three of them to tell you how I feel, but I can’t even do that properly.” He laughs uneasily as he focuses on you.

Lifting your hand up, you rest it on the back of his neck as you rise to your tiptoes. “Is this okay?” You whisper.

“More than okay,” Spencer responds before his lips are on yours.

You can hear Rossi cheering in the background as Hotch tries to shush them all but secretly is proud of you both. Having seen the way you gripped Spencer’s shirt when he saved you on that roof, he knew it was about time something would finally happen.

Pulling away from the kiss, you laugh lightly. “I take it the feeling is reciprocated then?” You question, and Spencer smiles.

“I’m never letting you go again.” He mumbles into you as you rest your head against his chest, hoping that promise will remain intact.

#okay so it was v long #but i really hope you enjoyed it!#spencer reid #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid imagines #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid angst #spencer reid oneshot #spencer reid au #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds imagines #criminal minds fluff #criminal minds angst #criminal minds oneshot #criminal minds x reader #matthew gray gubler imagine

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