the idea of humanity having to prove ourselves to a cold foreign alien superintelligence is just so incredible and funny to me. like a civilization that's at least a 5 on the Kardashev scale that can harvest the energy of entire galaxies and supernovae with merely a thought and command growth and decay with but point of their finger, and they notice a bunch of ants on this weird blue and green pebble in the middle of nowhere and they're like, 'hey, what can you guys do?'
-The year is 2622. Tony Hawk is hanging ten off of a black hole's gaping death-maw of an event horizon shaped like a Penrose triangle, landing LITERALLY impossible tricks
-behind him in the background, Alex Honnel, visible only thru a telescope, is currently on his 5867890th day of free-soloing the Pillars of Creation. he has a single bag of chalk and he's just going ham
-Jimi Hendrix has been resurrected from the dead and has a whole stage devoted entirely to him where he's being forced to try and play a guitar that's been altered on a universal-mechanics level so that not a single note it can play is in tune with any other note, even down to the microtones. his solo is making them all weep
-the entire arena is being continually bombarded by a barrage of flaming meteors at thousands of miles an hour; if just a single one of them lands, the entire place goes up is smoke and humanity is eradicated. they're held back only by Daigo, hooked up to a VR Street Fighter helmet + fight stick programmed to affect reality itself. he is parrying all of them
-a giant lineup of famous comedians are all simultaneously trying to make an ancient alien sage who has no concept of what humor is laugh. if he's displeased they get shot full of holes with laser rifles. there are only two still standing. Gilbert Gottfried is doing a stalling tactic, reciting the longest-ever Aristocrats joke for the past five decades. everybody is mortified of what will happen when he gets to the punchline. standing next to him, miraculously, is Gallagher, whose routine has never worked harder
-the Five Gods of Smash Bros. Melee, along with Wizzrobe, aMSa, Leffen, and Zain are pitted in a 9 vs. 1 grudge match (Final Destination, no items) against a perfect quantum hypercomputer matrix that can precisely calculate any given equation imaginable, answer unknowable questions, and is trained in every game that has ever been recorded. They win if they can take one stock. There is no damage limit; aMSa is on his last legs at 90,156%. Wizzy is still DI-ing every hit. Mew2King is slowly beginning to figure out a way to out-think it. PPMD's impeccable neutral baits the computer into getting hit by Armada (perfect as always), who bounces him into Mang0's backswing that it never saw coming (that's the mango), which whiffs (that's also the mango). After one hundred years, the computer has grown weary and begun to physically deteriorate from how long Hungrybox, determined to win, has been ledge-stalling it. There is simply nothing it can do.
-a tag-team dynamic duo of Mike Tyson and Muhammad Ali, both in their prime, hopped up on every hard drug and steroid ever invented and all but immune to pain, are struggling to box with a giant kaiju-gorilla elder god from outer space that has conquered ten worlds. It has just been given its 6,083rd black eye
-Steven Hawking, Plato, Albert Einstein, Confucius, Carl Sagan, and also Michael from VSauce are having a heated, passionate discussion about life, the universe, and everything with a board of alien philosophers in a great pantheon beyond the stars, looking down over everything. it was a challenge originally but now they're just kinda talking
-Bruce Lee is learning to punch faster than the speed of light. If the x2 billion times-slower camera the aliens are capturing his fists with show him in frame for more than 10 picoseconds, he must start over
-Shakespeare is collaborating with Neil Cicierega and Bo Burnham to produce a large-scale comedy puppet musical of the event with an infinite budget in case we all get wiped and the aliens want a fun little jaunty flick to remember us with (livestreamed by Jerma)
-Summoning Salt and Rod Serling are on commentary
-the music is provided by what humanity unanimously agreed was the best song anybody's ever written to represent us, "Down at McDonaldzzz" by Electric Six, who are performing it over a galactic PA system in an opera hall with Dio on backing vocals, Chuck Berry as lead guitar, and orchestral arrangements by Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, and Hans Zimmer. the aliens are bobbing their heads in surprised appreciation. of all the things we've done, it really is the most impressive
attended a (large, major) tournament while actively sick, possibly covid, without even wearing a mask, until eventually DQing because he was too sick to play
thrown a fucking chair as a “popoff”/celebration of winning a video game -- not once, but TWICE, at two different events
for context: Coinbox is a series of online Super Smash Bros. tournaments organized by Hungrybox
Cody Schwab is currently ranked as the second best player in the world and he has promised to wear a maid outfit for a tournament livestream with many of the best players in the world entering
This blog post took me almost two weeks to complete, but I say it was worth it. This is a follow-up to an old post I did 7 years ago.
This is a follow-up to one of my favorite blog posts I’ve ever written. It’s understandable why defense is seen as lame and boring, while self-sacrificial offense is seen as valiant and entertaining. We can have idiots who deliberately put themselves in harm’s way and get people cheering their lungs off while downing gallons of Bud Light, then not be given even an ounce of shit about when they…