#i am thinking of a certain alter in our system as i write this lol

[casketscratch]

I am trying to write it all out and just purge what happened, or line up the pieces I know.

I can only ever do this when I use the pronoun "you," like--

Your parents get divorced. You still see your Dad every weekend. He takes you to see your grandfather every Sunday so your mom can focus on her coursework.

It's never "me," it's never even a specific alter name, it's just this "referring to myself in second person because it offers a certain distance." But I've always done this, journals going back as far as I can find are just 'you' all the way down, and sometimes in a really meta, self-aware way? There's an entry on the dreamwidth somewhere where it's like a narrator self-reflexively checking himself about how there's no real "you" there and he doesn't know who he's talking to.

Which, on the one hand, no wonder I gravitated toward being an English major, lol.

On the other hand... I doubt this is just me because "does anyone else do x" questions inevitably end in "yes!" from someone, right?

Totally cutting this because I am getting super navel gazy and English majory about my own writing at the same time.

I'm really interested in how much dissociative distance this enables while still being "intimate" in an omniscient narrator sense? Like "I" can still write about it by treating it like a second hand story or something. It's also definitely a sort of Watcher/Narrator part whose role it seems to be, he calls himself the Chronicler, so there's a lot of "an alter talking about another alter who he doesn't feel is part of his person" and whatever. But before I knew about any of that, this is just. How I'd journal without thinking much about it.

(I am also kind of high and working through this like a bad first draft here now, sorry, lol)

We never really experienced 3rd person POV dissociation like a lot of the literature talks about either and I kind of wonder if that made writing in third person feel more alien than second. Or something. (Or it's bits and pieces of all of this and a lot of factors at play, which, yeah.)

Bonus points: I hated psychoanalyzing literature in university because I'd have to start thinking about this stuff, but that period was also when the "you" logs really started. It was Chron and Stephan and Crue, or Chron reflecting back Stephan and Crue to themselves as "you," or whatever. Lot of "you" entries that read like short stories, like Chron was... watching our life like a TV show, but instead it was writing it like a book, I suppose?

And lest we forget, all of those entries from that period were "coded." We recovered our memories last year by realizing that if we followed the trail of references and allusions to our own, other journals over the years, we could trace a path to Crue in the inner world (or whatever, I guess more like discover our own system's architecture and find communication lines). That's how we reconnected with him.

He joked once that he introjected House of Leaves, because the logs/journals/thing really is this massive sprawling hypertext of memory and forgotten blogs and logins and passwords, Borges labyrinth kind of thing, and we've still only worked through about half of it. It was enough to break through our host's denial, anyway.

Maybe this urge to rewrite everything with what we know now is connected to that too. Like it's updating what's basically our own system's domesday book and fleshing out what Chron's learned since? Just. All in second person, all the time.

(The House of Leaves thing is like 50% a joke and 50% not, because I am also getting pinged with memories of studying it in a postmodern fic course when Crue was doing the academic work and maybe he's really not kidding, maybe our brain really did go "oh that'll be USEFUL" and here we are.)

#this is one of those obnoxious posts where i asked a question and get an answer in real time lmao #OH YOU #so to speak #chron.log #system things

[plutoswrath]

Please post your opinion on what black moon Lilith represents in charts of men, women and nonbinary

Hello! Long post ahead!! Please read through everything or else it won’t make sense lol

The post about lilith I’m currently still editing does touch on gender and astrology. I think I’ve said this before but I want to make one thing clear, as someone who’s also into sociology:

Gender and astrology is only relevant because we live in a society that revolves around gender performance. It’s also a binary idea of gender. Man and woman; and both are represented and constructed as differences. This is the norm society created in order for it (and it many other social harmful systems) to work. Being a man equals to different behavior, ideas and attitudes. Same with being a woman. That’s why men and women are usually raised and socialized very differently. And that’s why we can see differences in the manifestations of certain energies BUT NOT because the stars are gendered! I want people to let go of this weird idea of bioessentialism that apparently is inherent in the stars. Gender as it is now understood in western culture (because I grew up in a northern part of Europe, this is the culture I’m most familiar with) is a social construct that serves a primary oppressive system and purpose.

That means that the different manifestations we see in men and women in astrology is due to gendered performance. We have to go with lots of nuance into these conversations, even though I want to break them down as easily as possible for everyone to understand.

People that are non-binar fall out of this heteronormative system by definition, but there’s more to it. These people still grew up in a binary system, which can lead to internalized believes about gender and sex that are hard to unlearn even though you are not cis. Gender and gender performance is also tight to race, you can also talk about class here and how these two categories alone can alter your whole perception and experience about gender performance. This intersectional approach is very important to keep in mind, even though I do want to generalize the certain aspects that people that fall into a specific section have in common.

For example, I’m not cis either, but I know, that politically I am a woman; I do feel strongly about my experience with womanhood and know that I’m not only read as a woman but have been socialized that way my whole life, even though my experience has been different to those who identify as cis. So I do think that people who are not cis fall out of the scheme and definition of certain astrological placements/energies.

Also; astrology so far is very whitewashed and extremely heteronormativity gendered (which in itself goes hand in hand with whiteness)

There’s a lack of representation when it comes to astrologers that don’t fall into the heteronormative and to see their approach and definition of the astrological practice.

Therefore I am also wondering what happens to our practice of astrology when we‘ll finally strip it from those harmful ideologies. I remember writing about the sign cancer and how it is so weirdly infantilized..that cancer women are happy as long as they have a home and a man by her side…..that’s not cancer, that’s a cancerian woman that operates as best as it can in a system that tells women that they should be with a man and become a housewife. And now I wonder, what is truly the essence of cancer if you strip away the heteronormative idea of a cishet marriage?? It’s not about dissing marriage and cishet people, but about the idea that these ideas are inherent to the energies of an astrological placement.

ANYWAYS BACK TO LILITH

We have lilith and we know what her themes are. Now we only have to set it in context and that context will look very different for everyone else. I just know and observed that lilith in hetero relationships, or at least were those dynamics are vividly present and (subconsciously) lived out, the themes often stay the same between the man and the women; if he hasn’t reflected on and works on his misogyny there’ll be a strong and often unpleasant power dynamic between the two.

Lilith is INHERENTLY very political in that sense because the story is about the power dichotomy between two people that were meant to be equal and then ended in the separation between women and man due to her own free will. And I’m not trying to girlboss lilith because our lilith can want things that are bad and makes us act out in ways that can definitely be harmful. I’m just trying to say that Lilith talks about power dynamics. Us in relation to the world/society. And we dissect ourselves in relation to what we want and are and what we shouldn’t be and crave. It’s again talking about the raw and honest nature of desire and our inner nature and how it relates to others/society.

And again the story of lilith is not historical, it’s religious so it is inherently a metaphor. This story can be read and interpreted in many ways. But I try to identify Lilith’s story with what I see in real life and make my sense out of it. And from what I’ve seen lilith always reduces itself to the political and private self (which are ultimately interchangeable) in conflict to each other or others. So there’s that.

This theme can be true for everyone, no matter what you identify as. For example I see lilith playing out as power plays in hetero relationships often but I do wonder if it’s at least somehow different if the man is aware of his own misogyny. And ofc what happens to the woman if she isn’t aware of her own misogyny.

I guess everyone who isn’t socially and politically active doesn’t like my take buy this is the type of astrology I practice.

Edit; I’m rereading this currently and realize that I haven’t touched on the way lilith can show up between two women. It can be incredibly uplifting because she is seeing in the other what everyone denied her of and honors her power and wisdom. It can be very freeing to be together and familiarity and power can be found in shared suffering. But ofc one or both can be triggered by their internalized misogyny as well. Fully in lilith nature it is polarizing, either incredibly freeing and nice or painful.

#WOWSA I HAVENT PROOF READ IDC IDC THIS TOOK SO LONG #replies #anonymous #Lilith #black moon lilith #sociology

[chromaticroses]

1, 8, 9, 17, 31, 38 for the plural ask game! :)

oooh numbers. okay

1. What do you guys usually fight about, if anything?

usually it is whoever’s not in front yelling at whoever’s in front to go fucking do what they have to (eat, work, go to pt, etc etc)

8 is something i’m not really at liberty to say. can’t share my headmates secrets, y’know. not my place

9. What do you feel your origins are, if you feel comfortable sharing? 

we don’t really like the communities focus on origins, so while we don’t actually have any problems with our origins being public we don’t publicize it or answer this question outright. focusing on how we function NOW is more important to us, and how we function now is that we’re an adaptive dissociative disordered system. if you really wanted to i’m sure you could guess origins from that lol

17. Any nonhuman members?

SO many. we literally mod a non human server on discord LOL. you know she’s non human…. who? the robot writing this ☺️

31. Do any system members have a different gender or sexuality? How do you guys handle this?

oh yeah for sure. something i will share about 8 actually is that syscovery really made it clear for us why we would feel like, like sometimes we were a gay man and sometimes we were a lesbian and sometimes we were aroace and sometimes we were bisexual bigender and every combination you could think of LOL. the way we handle it is like. idk it doesn’t really need handling. current host is bisexual bigender so it really doesn’t bother me to have memories of other’s sexualities or genders. i will say that sometimes someone decides to passive influence me into believing i’m a different gender/sexuality than i am and that is NOT cool, SOUTH

38. Is it easy for you guys to be co-conscious?

no, not at all. it’s usually one guy fronting, locking out everyone else. certain alters will have an easier time with another alter (Tucker will nearly ALWAYS front with Effex, Agent will often come with Brilliance, etc) but usually it’s a lonely front

ty for numbers!

#asks #anon #ask game

[felassan]

What is your opinion on Flemeth? I see so many fans praising her for being a bamf grandma, for saving Hawke and it confuses me. Didn't she abandon Elves? Didn't she abuse Morrigan? According to them not, because she was hurt and sad during their confrontation or that she actually never planned to possess her body. Her supposed friendship with Solas is iffy to me too.

Hi Nonnie! This answer is under a cut for sensitivity as it mentions abuse, and for length.

I think there’s nuance here. Liking (or appreciating the storybeats from) a fictional character, in the context of them as a character, doesn’t mean liking them as a person or agreeing with their actions. It also doesn’t mean that you’d endorse such actions happening in the real world, or that you’d like, support or spend time with such a person in real life. We separate the two. It’s okay to like her character and it’s okay to not like her. Certain things can also be true simultaneously - for example, like many characters in Dragon Age, Flemythal has done things that have had good impacts (such as saving Hawke, although it should be noted that she did this for her own benefit and in pursuit of her own ends), and she’s also done things that are questionable or even bad.

I like Flemythal as a character in a fictional setting. I find her very interesting. Mysterious, complicated, cryptic, plot-integral. I like that she’s powerful (she is pretty badass) and clearly has her own ends and agenda. That’s agency. Her voice casting is second-to-none and I find her involvement to have been one of the intriguing (and arguably iconic) staples of the series. She generates a lot of speculation and theorycrafting given that a lot of questions still remain about her, her past involvement in events and possibly her future involvement also. It’s also nice to see a visibly older woman in a prominent role, as they are often underused or underrepresented in media.

That said, she wasn’t a good mother. I don’t think she’s a good person, and multiple elements of her relationship with Morrigan do read as abusive (in several different ways too, as abuse has several forms). Morrigan compares her to Kalah Brosca, which is self-explanatory. Morrigan recounts times when Flemythal broke her possessions, taught her harsh lessons, told her horrifying stories, punished her or only gave her gifts which came at a cost. Morrigan’s Fade nightmare in the Circle Tower consists of the spirit/demon emulating her mother hitting her and saying horrible things (and such Fade-scenarios do in a way reflect what happened or what was perceived to have happened by the ‘experiencer’ in ‘the real’). Flemythal was manipulative, insulting and told half-truths to her. Morrigan’s personality is also in large part due to her background, Flemythal’s influence, treatment and teachings; it’s why she values survival and power above all, thinks that love is a weakness and makes some off-color, heartbreaking comments about love as a concept. It speaks of both the reality of what the Evanuris were like (compared to the Dalish conception of them as the Creators), the impact the murder of Mythal had on her as a being and of the further impact functionally fusing with the intensely aggrieved/angered human Flemeth, that this is the kind of parent that Mythal the Protector and All-Mother, goddess of love and patron of motherhood, was to Morrigan. Thinking of it in those terms makes it seem sadly ironic and puts me in the mind of the perversion of spirits of Justice away from their purpose towards Vengeance (not literally exactly, but thematically?).

Prior to the murder, Mythal in her fullness was the “best” of the Evanuris, according to Solas’ account, but even then... The best of a bad bunch is not exactly much of an accolade, and although she cared for and protected her people and was often a voice of reason compared to other Evanuris that would mitigate the worst of their whims and excesses, she was still... a false-god divine-pretender, and essentially the queen of their extremely classist empire system. She may have had slaves marked with slave-brands. She struck down some Titans and gave their “land” to the People, and did “something” ominous-sounding to the Titans and/or the dwarves. She was a patron of vengeance as well as justice. Some accounts paint her as dark and vengeful, and Solas admits that she was “both of these [both the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’ versions of her from the tales] and neither.” (“It’s more complicated than that”!) To add, Mythal being the best of them is Solas’ opinion, no doubt partially colored by his personal history with her. It’s difficult to comment on Mythal in her fullness and the Evanuris in general though, as all we have are partially biased accounts and scraps like misremembered tales and Codex entries which each come filtered through the respective lens of their writer.

Flemythal did seem to express sadness or regret in her DAI encounter with Morrigan. This is another one of those situations with nuance and where two things can be true at the same time. Flemythal was a bad parent and was abusive towards Morrigan. Flemythal also seems to care for her, in a way. I make no comment on other peoples’ experiences or on the majority of cases, and in no way would Flemythal’s treatment of and dynamic with Morrigan be acceptable in a real life situation, just, speaking from direct personal experience, there are sometimes instances where the abusive relative did care about their respective family member at the time, and later felt sad and regretful about the things they did to them and the impact it had on them. And she did intend the essence of her godhood as a gift for Morrigan, not hostile possession. 

Her abandonment of the elves is something that can come up both with Lavellan and other Inquisitors in those scenes: “If Mythal is a part of you, why haven’t you helped us? We’ve called to you, prayed to you.” “[looks away and looks sad] What was could not be changed.” “What about now? You know so much.” “You know not what you ask, child.” // “If Mythal is within you why not reveal yourself?” “And to whom should I reveal myself?” “To the elves, to everyone!” “Hah... I knew the hearts of men even before Mythal came to me. It is why she came to me. They do not want the truth, and I... I am but a shadow lingering in the sun.” I do wish she had interacted more with the elves in Thedas, especially given the lot of modern elves there and especially considering Dalish tales of and reverence towards her as Asha’bellanar (Merrill bowing to her in DA2, how Marethari sought her out in 8:82, the clan that turned Maric and Loghain over to her, the way Lavellan can mention their people speak of her legend).

The writing in that conversation is kinda frustrating in that it’s intentionally vague and more of a non-answer than a sufficient explanation to the question posed. But there’s some Thing we don’t know yet, something we’re not supposed to know about Mythal right now. It sounds like the truth of why and of the matter isn’t simple or... pleasant (“You know not what you ask” - that sounds like worshipping her, the reality of her, wouldn’t be good). In DA2 when Merrill bows, Flemythal asks her if she knows who she is beyond the title Woman of Many Years. Merrill replies that she knows only a little, and Flemythal says “Then stand. The People bend their knee too quickly.” It sounds kinda like “If you knew I was Mythal, and if you knew what Mythal and her compatriot gods and by extension our society was like back in the day, you wouldn’t be bowing to me and wouldn’t want to worship me.” sefesjfesfeksj this gap in our knowledge is maddening lol. Or perhaps she thinks that the elves wouldn’t want the truth, would reject it or would feel worse after learning it? The revelations in DAI that the gods are false and were actually jerks, that vallaslin were originally slavemarkings, that an elf caused their downfall (not humans) and that their ancient society practised slavery and all that - it’s a lot. If so, I do wish she would’ve let them make up their own minds about it though.

There’s also the question of whether the Dalish would believe her claims if she came forth with them. Some would, but her appearance is outwardly-human as the Inquisitor can note, and Solas didn’t make any real headway with most of the Dalish he encountered when he tried to talk about some of his knowledge with them before joining the Inquisition, and that was without including the undoubtedly seismic “btw, I’m one of your gods” part. Would she even be capable of doing much to help them in her current form? A shadow lingering in the sun sounds like she’s barely a fragment of what she once was, and only has a fraction of her old power. In the modern day she’s a powerful mage who can shapeshift into a dragon and cheat death with a Horcrux, sure. Is that enough to, say, destroy the human kingdoms, or radically alter the social position of elves in Thedas? To add, if you subscribe to the belief that there’s a connection between Flemythal and Andraste (with Shartan) and/or Tyrdda Bright-Axe (with her “leaf-eared lover”), it seems that she’s tried to change things before in the past along these lines and failed.

Who are “the elves” to her, anyway? She mentions to Lavellan and Merrill how they are of the People, but we can see a back-and-forth on that subject with Solas during DAI, who at times says modern elves are his people, and at other times says they are not. Who’s to say who “the elves” or “The People” are to Flemythal in her mind, millennia later, really? If her conception of her people is ancient elves, not modern elves or both... Recall Abelas, one of Mythal’s lead acolytes: “'Our' people? The ones we see in the forest, shadows wearing vallaslin? You are not my people.” Maybe that’s why she hasn’t done much to help modern elves? If her people are the ancient elves, and if Solas’ plans don’t include modern elves, perhaps that’s why she didn’t do much for modern elves all this time but /does/ help Solas power up so that he can carry out his plans to help the ancient ones (along with the fact that her desire for vengeance depends on his success, of course). She knew he would come after all. An alternative reading is that his plans do include modern elves, but in order to save the People (and again also to get her revenge) she needed him (to gift her power to and do The Thing), and so until he woke up from his many years of slumber, all she could really do was wait for that moment? Their respective natures in the modern world are different; she’s just a spark of a dead goddess in a formerly-human vessel, a shadow lingering in the sun, and he’s still his proper full self, albeit temporarily weaker than usual. He specifically says in Trespasser that his situation isn’t comparable to Flemythal’s - “Are you a fragment of what Fen’Harel once was, like Mythal?” “No, this is all I have ever been”. It’s a stark difference in their two conditions, and it ties back to the question above of whether Flemythal’s abilities in the modern age would have been Enough to do anything concrete. In this reading, Flemythal’s nudging and influencing of history along a certain course through time, which she’s been doing in order to line up events just so so that the Evanuris will be unleashed again by Solas, take on a secondary motive too: lining up events just so so that Solas will be able to carry out his plans and in so doing, save the People.

Mythal’s relationship with Solas is another one of those things that’s difficult to comment on, as we only have hints and pieces. They were close, that much is clear from the intimacy and familiarity on both their parts in the post-credits scene, from how he speaks of her in Trespasser, and from his desire to subject the Evanuris to an eternity of torment as a fitting punishment for the crime of murdering her. Fen’Harel statues in the Temple of Mythal, which Morrigan says is a thing that seems like naked paintings of Andraste in the Chantry. Wolf ‘guardian-like’ statues on either side of her Altar. The eluvian in the post-credits flanked by both a dragon and a wolf. Statues in the Deep Roads: “Many of them are for Mythal, though. And Fen'Harel. Not in a spot of honor, but guarding, attending. Protector and All-Mother, why are you honored here, so far from the light of the sun? And why was the Dread Wolf at your side?” Cole’s words, if they’re about Solas and Mythal: "He did not want a body. But she asked him to come. He left a scar when he burned her off his face.” Legacy dev notes stating that he was once her oldest friend. These are fragments and we can only try to infer. Were they involved? Was he her second-in-command, her spymaster, her consort, her enforcer, her confidant, the leader of her ‘kingsguard’, her right hand, her advisor, the ‘guardian wolf’ to her ‘Emerald Knight’, what? Was he once a spirit and he manifested a body at her behest? What events led to him burning her vallaslin off his face? Did they have a disagreement? To what extent was she using him? The specifics of their relationship and their respective positions therein aren’t, but what’s clear is that once, she needed him, he was in her service, and that there was fondness between them. 

(For the record I don’t believe she possessed him in the post-credits, or that he absorbed her essence/Mythal-spark and now the Well-drinker is bound to him. I think she passed her godhood through the mirror to Morrigan and allowed Solas to take her power/strength, that’s all.)

There’s an undertone that Flemeth may not really have full autonomy in what she’s doing (or was doing), at least where her broadstoke actions and goals are concerned. After her angry rant about vengeance, [worldstate dependent] she looks up at the statue of Mythal. In both scenarios her expression then becomes kind of sad, and she looks to the side. “Alas, so long as the music plays, we dance.” That sounds kind of like she has no choice? Like something’s fated or she’s bound to her cause? Before Flemeth’s end, Mythal was to her as our hearts are in our chests. They are intrinsic and carry out their function - beating - no matter what, until death. Given the dichotomy of Justice and Vengeance as explored by the nature of spirits and demons, and the ‘spirit-adjacent’ nature of elves, it feels like she’s compelled to do what she’s been doing all these centuries, in pursuit of the goal of getting that all-important revenge. “Our destinies are not so easily avoided.” She gets so incensed when she rages about her vengeance, it’s like she’s consumed by it. The burning desire for revenge is what kept her wisp alive through the Ages, after all.

#dragon age #bioware #abuse #abuse mention #abuse cw #morrigan #queen of my heart #solas #cole #spirit boy #mj replies #anonymous #video games #mj meta

[shadowsong26fic]

Coming Attractions!

A day late, but ah well...

As usual, we’ll go ahead and do an Open Question Night. Which basically means that, while my ask box is always open, tonight I’ll be keeping an eye on it and answering things as they come in. Any fandom or work I’ve talked about here (or posted on AO3) is fair game, as are general questions about writing, etc. I do accept prompts, but I am. Not very good at filling them in a timely manner unless they Immediately spark something, lol.

So, yeah, what’s on your mind?

Also, since I don’t think I have for a couple months, plug for my Discord server! It’s pretty quiet, mostly intended to be a slightly more interactive extension of this space, but you’re welcome to check it out!

Anyway, the usual Coming Attractions details are behind the cut!

PodTogether 2021:

I participated in this challenge for the first time this year, and it was a whole lot of fun! Of Other Suns is a SW/AtLA crossover, and I think it turned out pretty well! My reader/podficcer and I worked pretty closely together during the initial brainstorming process, working out what we wanted to do, and also bounced off one another during the whole editing/finalizing process. There’s a lot that I didn’t end up putting into the fic (because time and length; I am a. Uh. Very wordy writer; the aim was for 6-12k words, we ended up with nearly 15k as it is...), so I might poke more at this specific AU, or crossovers linking up at a different time (either a different point in the SW canon, or in the AtLA canon, or both). I...definitely have extensive headcanons for SW characters as benders of various elements (or nonbenders), and there are at least two Force-sensitive AtLA characters who were outside the scope of the crossover.

Anyway, if you want to check it out...click this link XD (and definitely listen to the podfic too!!! It’s really great)

Precipice:

So, between the final push on PodTogether and some origfic stuff I got done, I...did not get anything finished and posted for this, alas. But! I am saying it here in the hopes that doing so publicly will for once get me to actually stick to a deadline, which is that I will get either the first Protectors chapter or the next Preludes one-shot (or both!) up by this Sunday, September 12. The Protectors chapter will be mostly scene-setting, establishing where various characters are when we open, six years after we last saw our heroes. The Preludes segment will involved Hondo contacting Obi-Wan (and Anakin, who’s with him when he gets the call) about something Relevant To Their Interests.

I will for sure get that Prelude out this month, and hopefully at least two Protectors chapters, but we’ll see how things go at work and how much brain that takes, which is always a factor...anyway, with any luck, I’ll start establishing a Rhythm. I don’t think I’ll be doing weekly updates, the way I did for the first few arcs of Precipice (in part because there are some other longform projects I intend to start putting out and if I am going to do Weekly Fic Posts, I’ll probably alternate), but we’ll see how things go.

AtLA Fic:

Again, I didn’t finish what I wanted to (other than the aforementioned crossover for PodTogether), but I have been working on stuff in the background and, while I’m not going to commit to a Specific Deadline like I am for Precipice, I do plan to post at least the opening chapter of the still-untitled Avatar Zuko AU I’ve been working on this month, so watch this space!

Other Fic Projects:

I’m poking around at what to do for next years SWBB (if only because my wordcounts have been Steadily Increasing and I’d like to get a head start in anticipation of that happening again this year, lol). Still considering exactly what to do, whether I pour all my focus into OFLAM, like I consider every year, or see if I can work up Bail Unfucks the Timeline or another half-plotted AU I have in the back of my head, or go with a different prompt/storyline that occurs to me at some point between now and then, but I’m starting to Actively Ponder things.

I do have that BSG1 crossover outline in the works, I swear XD I’ve got...uh...maybe half to two thirds of the first third of the overall storyline written up? XD It’s a. Uh. Long one. I might go ahead and release it in three parts, just for length/convenience, and because it does more or less have three distinct sections (the initial contact/New Caprica fallout and establishment of the Haven settlement which makes sense in context; the second contact/algae planet; and then an adventure on a resurrection ship to retrieve a Specific Boxed Five and possibly walk away with Ellen because that would just ruin Cavil’s day and I do so love to ruin Cavil’s day, lol). ...I’m going to go ahead and post a preview snippet at the bottom of this post, as Motivation XD

I think that’s all the fanfic stuff I have specific updates for. There’s generally always stuff noodling around in my brain (lately, for Star Wars, AtLA, BSG, or some combination of the three), it’s just how much of it materializes, lol.

At some point, I plan to revisit some BSG epics I had going on (Serenissima; rewriting For Sorrow Sung or doing a slightly different storlyine with the same concept; The Other Battlestar; a few others), but no concrete plans as of yet.

I also kind of want to explore a far-past AtLA setting I designed for a challenge community way back? But I’m not sure if that would work better as an original work with the serial numbers filed off, if I could figure out how I wanted to do that (I have done it before, as I’ll talk about below, but this concept, while not directly involving any characters from Avatar canon as it’s set 2000 years prior to Sozin’s reign, does to an extent lean on the Avatar specifically as a concept, in a way that the other fic I did this with did not).

Original Fic:

Due to a challenge on rainbowfic, I actually got. Quite a bit written? Most of it was not super plot-relevant, but I dropped some Hints about a character in Lux and I got to play in some heads I don’t very often. I might go back to the Regency AU at some point, and there’s a specific reveal I want to write up for a secondary character in The Farglass Cycle, but I haven’t quite figured out how to structure that one, so we’ll see how it goes.

Had an interesting discussion the other day about the way original fiction sometimes starts as fanfic with the serial  numbers filed off and...well, a lot of my original stuff starts that way? Or has some roots there, anyway.

Lux doesn’t quite as much, but I definitely ported in at least two characters who started as fanfic characters (leaving aside that this is, y’know, The Apocalypse IN SPACE so, like. Various fandoms that deal with that probably influenced things, plus several key players are Public Domain Characters sooooo), plus some of the way the world is constructed draws on the Native Tongue trilogy and I flat-out stole a concept from Queen of the Damned, though the way it works in this world is different (also, to be fair, I think I’ve seen it in other places, too; but I personally got the idea from there).

The Farglass Cycle and Untitled Intrigues Story, however, straight-up started as fanfic concepts. And I don’t think it’s obvious unless I point out what the source materials were? Farglass, in particular (it’s the AtLA fic I mentioned earlier), because it started as an alternate future and then the map and magic system got reworked, plus the Avatar themself wasn’t even super involved in the original fic context, and while certain characters are very loosely based on AtLA characters, by now they’ve been so altered by the setting that it’s...I used the same archetypes, if that makes sense?

And then Untitled Intrigues Story started as a fusion between two wildly different fandoms, and while one character is a pretty clear expy if you know where he comes from, and another character kept the same actress in my head, I don’t think it’s very clear other than that.

...anyway, not sure where I’m going with that, other than it’s been in my head lately, lol.

...I think that about covers it! What about you guys? What are you all working on? Slash any questions, etc.?

Teaser for BSG1 AU outline, as promised:

So, anyway, SG-1 is prepared for rain and mud and a survivable-but-kinda-unpleasant environment. They’re also prepared for the usual shenanigans--Goa’uld, cranky local politics, weird alien tech that Daniel really should know better than to touch but sends him into another dimension anyway...

Just. Y’know. A normal mission.

They’re...not quite prepared for what they actually find when they step through.

Which is a very tense and now slightly Confused crowd of people, and a firing squad made up of very large killer robots, with a teenage girl as their target.

(One of the large killer robots is. Uh. Well. Half a large killer robot now; that particular Centurion was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got kawooshed in the face. As one does.)

(Said Centurion absolutely wins the ‘Weirdest Death’ pool for the week in Download City, because that is clearly a thing that exists because it entertains me)

There’s a beat where everyone just stares at everyone else, trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

The wormhole disengages.

Daniel takes half a step forward, opens his mouth to start the ‘we are peaceful explorers from Earth and y’all seem to be having a Moment here, sorry for interrupting, but, uh...’

And then the moment end and absolute chaos erupts.

#coming attractions #open question night #shadowsong writes star wars #shadowsong writes atla #shadowsong writes crossovers #shadowsong writes original fic #feedback greatly appreciated

[aki-chan2014]

And So It Begins playlist

imiSome of you might know that I started a new DanganRonpa fic called ‘And So It Begins’, which happens to be an SYOC. A lot of songs have inspired my writing of it so far, as well as some of my planning, so I figured I may as well begin a playlist of sort. It is a work in progress, so more songs will be added over time, and the links (put in the song name) to the videos will also only be put in as and when I can. But yeah, I hope you enjoy: (Quick note 11/11: I have also decided to add some quick notes next to certain songs to explain why they have been chosen for the playlist, where I did have specific things in mind for them. If anyone else has interpretations of how certain songs relate I’d be all for sticking those in here too-with credits, of course)

Mafumafu-Keep Out

Fantastic Youth- DAYBREAK FRONTLINE (rap arrange ver) (This song is for the happier moments in the story, particualrly those between the whole group/ larger parts of the group, and any moments that, in a different story, would have simply been carefree and youthful. Also check out this dance version, as I will be making an Ending Song chapter based on it)

Nuyuri ft flower-Proto Disco (This song is meant to be reflective of how the characters are descending down a dark path in the choices they make and the events that draw them closer to creating a killing game.)

HENSHIN ft GUMI- One Moment’s Crime (This song can relate somewhat to the system Hope’s Peak has in this story. It is also the ‘opening song’ for the story, as you may have noticed)

THE SIXTH LIE- HIBANA

Eve-Dramaturgy

Jonas Blue ft Jack and Jack-Rise (This one is about the rebellion aspects of the story)

Police Piccadilly ft Miku Hatsune-Separate (This song is meant to relate to certain pairs and possibly trios in this story, and the bittersweetness of the fact they have developed such closeness in such bad circumstances. I’d say I have Mizuki and Mokomichi in mind particularly here, but it could easily apply to others too. This is also the first ED song of the story)

Do As Infinity-Kenshin no Kemono

Foreground Eclipse-When Innocence is Just a Mask (This one is definitely also about the rebellion aspects of the story, but perhaps at a later stage of the story, where some characters may be more fatalistic about it. When they are further down the rabbit hole, so to speak.)

Natsushiro Takaaki-Endroll (also check out this chorus cover done by CATINABOX for round 2 of the Ascencion Chorus Battle 2019-my personal headcanon is that Reirei’s voice is like Emiko’s singing voice)

brave elements-Bakudan Ma (cover)

Zutto Mayonaka de ii no ni-Humanoid

Wowaka-Unknown Mother Goose

Luschka-Moratorium (This song is related to the remorse some people might feel from being involved, wondering if they’d ever be forgiven)

Sayuri x MY FIRST STORY-Reimei

Dima Lancaster ft BrokeN-Feed the Fire (cover) This one is definitely related to the point of the story where everything gets awful and there’s no turning back

ONE OK ROCK-We Are (This song can relate in some ways to how some characters see themselves as doing something good in the situation. Also a song for how they may have started off feeling when setting off on this endeavour, or the general feelings of Reserve Course oppression. )

AmaLee-Again (English Cover) (This song could link to some relationships within the story)

Cepheid ft Un3h-Chronos (this one is about feeling helpless about the situation, and how some characters are having regrets about it)

Minstrel-Fiction

AViVA-Blame it on the kids

Hanatan-Niwaka Ame

Misumi ft flower and Miku Hatsune-FAKE (see also this cover)

Dean Lewis-Waves

nameless-Toumei Elegy (cover)

HarryP- 泥中に咲く(blooming in the mud)

MurasagiYT-Little Parade (English Cover)

DECO*27 ft Miku Hatsune-Otome Dissection

Three Days Grace-Riot (Thanks to tobi-is-an-artist-too for this one. I am sure the reason for it’s inclusion is self explanatory lol)

Yunosuke ft Miku Hatsune-Spiral

2NE1-Come Back Home (Japanese unplugged ver)

Tears of Today-Corregret

Zutto Mayonake de ii no ni-mabushii DNA dake

Pizuya’s Cell X Barrage Am Ring ft Meramipop -my temperature is zero degrees

Rupert Pope and John Robertson ft Isla Meller-Coming Round

After the Rain (Soraru x Mafumafu)-yuudachi (evening rain) (this one could relate to some of the character dynamics between certain pairings, particularly between cast members and some side characters as the relationships become more distant/deteriorating. It can also relate to the feeling some characters might have at their youth slowly slipping away as the story continues)

ONE OK ROCK-Mighty Long Fall

Akiakane-FlashBack (I am planning to use this for a second OP song chapter at some point ^.^, and the actual PV of the song will inspire the sequence I write for that. Also, this is such a good song about falling apart and grief and betrayal so it fits really well with later events)

*Luna ft  來 -Epilogue (Also check out the chorus cover done by EncripT for round 1 of the Ascencion Chorus Battle 2019. Anyway, this one is about being able to make one’s own choices and how the idea of doing this has served as a motivation for some characters)

Fractured Light Music-These Final Words

Fractured Light Music-We Dream of Stars

Fractured Light Music-Goodbye

Ludovico Einaudi- I Giorni

Eve-Yamiyo

Tokyo Teddy Bear English Chorus Cover

YURRY-CANON ft GUMI-Humanly

Eve-This World To You (For the bittersweet moments and the bereavement)

CYPHER-Redmoon (another one for the rebellion themes, and also the theme of doing something that you cannot go back from)

Misumi ft Hatsune Miku-Weird Beast

chorus cover of ‘Bolero’

Zutto Mayonaka de ii no ni-Seigi (justice)

After the Rain (Soraru x Mafumafu)-The equation for the beginning of love (a particular couple relationship is what I have in mind with this song, because the song characters are sweet awkward dorks and so are the characters of the couple)

Fantastic Youth-Mairieux (acoustic arrange)

Nathan Wagner-Innocence (because well, they will end up losing it, won’t they?)

Fantastic Youth-I thought I was an angel (cover and rap arrange) (Kinda self explanatory-they started out trying to do the right thing, thinking they were the ‘angels’ in this. Of course, they aren’t really, are they?)

Jayn-With Love (for the slightly more supportive/positive aspects of various character relationships, both platonic and romantic) UVERworld-Touch Off Dasu x Ensou ft Len Kagamine-Jet Ammo

Memai Siren-Ajisai

Crusher-P ft Miku Hatsune-Propaganda! (both about the elitism of Hope’s Peak and how they’re trying to present this very particular image, and also how dangerously close-knit the cast get)

ALEXANDROS-Pray (There’s a lot of cases of characters wanting to help each other, and not knowing how. So this song is about that, and those particular relationships)

FELT-Until Tomorrow

MAN WITH A MISSION-Remember Me

Aron Wright-How You’ll Be Remembered

JubyPhonic- Häagen-Dazs Ika no Sappuukei (English Cover) (This inspired the scene with Keiko on the roof in Party Time, part 1. I guess this could be a song for the main event of Preparation/Party Time in general)

BRAVES ft Nikki Reed-World’s On Fire

Fantastic Youth-Totemo Suteki Na Rokugatsu Deshita (cover)

Wolpis Kater-1% (Melon soda no hoshizora wo)

Studio Yuraki-Mukanjyo(English cover) (this fits with the themes of the story so well in general)

Misumi ft Hatsune Miku -Alter Ego (there’s something about the darkness of Misumi songs that fit so well with ASIB aaaaa)

chorus cover of ‘0verf10w’

Raon Lee X KOBASOLO-Philosophy of Adversity

chorus over of ‘Yankee Boy Yankee Girl’ 

Eve x Rib-Lear

Pizuya’s Cell-Midnight Liberty

Studio Yuraki-MAYDAY (cover)

Mitei no Hanashi-Drown in the Night

YOASOBI-Racing into the Night (check out this group cover too)

Fantastic Youth cover of no title

chorus cover of Los!Los!Los!

Sou-Mr Fixer

Techniken ft Lollia and Sohly-Make Me, Hate Me

Eve - ‘Love & Destroy’ (cover ver-originally by Mi8k ft GUMI) There are a fair few good covers of this really, but I picked this one because Eve.

FUZI x Neru ft Luschka and Mas Kimura-Optimi2er

Chorus cover of ‘RENEGADE’ (come on, tell me this isn’t a Shino song. Or even an Emiko song, for that matter. I dare you.)

SYND!CATE-In The Elegy (a chorus cover mash-up of ‘In the End and ‘愛迷エレジー ‘. Yes, really.)

Nathan Wagner-New Horizon

Neru ft Len and Rin Kagamine-Becoming Potatoes

Wild Fire- Everybody Knows (cover)  (about the elitism, obvs)

Harry-P- 徒花の涙

Ivy Adara-Rebels

GRIMES- We Appreciate Power (feat Hana)

Opening song for ‘Get Even’ (BBC drama)

THE BINARY- 花に雨を、君に歌を

MILGRAM-Undercover

Mafumafu- 悔やむと書いてミライ

Sou’s cover of ‘Penguin’s Detour’

HANDEAD ANTHEM-Why Not?

MARETU- ドクハク  (The link leads to a dance cover because why not? But this one would link to the more violent events and mindsets that develop over the story)

Stray Kids-District 9

KIRA-RISE UP NATION (Quite a few of the cast could be seen as misfits in some way, and they are all for causing trouble and making changes)

*Luna ft GUMI-Black Out Stray Kids- SLUMP (English Ver) (Deteriorating relationships of all sorts, and the emotional conflict that some of the characters are going through especially as they realise that they are at the point of no return.)

Red-The War We Made (Well, it’s more or less a war anyway)

Citizen Soldier-Hope It Haunts You (I’ll let you all theorise over this one lol) Citizen Soldier-Would Anyone Care? (Suggested by PainX65, as fitting certain characters, moments and even Hope’s Peak’s actions over the story)

Eve-How to Eat Life

MYTH&ROID-Remembrance (Goes without saying that Remembrance is in a way one of the stronger motives behind what our cast are doing, in a macabre way)

No Resolve-What You Deserve

Nine Lashes-Guilty Hands (They all have them)

Nathan Wagner cover of ‘The Kill’

Mako Niina-Sensen no Realism (The implications/consequences of what they are all doing hitting them)

After the Rain-Kono Yubi Tomare

Mashiro cover of ‘That Summer Saturates’ (the heady fallout of being involved in a crime with friends, and the general intensity of adolesence, and how the two combine)

chorus cover of ‘Nocturnal Creatures’

Fumiko Uchimura-Dotte Koto Nai Sympathy

#fanfiction #my fanfic #Dangan Ronpa #SYOC #music reccomendations #playlist #fanfic playlist #AndSoItBeginsSYOC

[thishouseisafuckingnightmare]

Answer all of those asks

Okay so I guess no one else needs to send me asks bc Torin is Like This(tm)

Anyway, here I go I guess

I was around 13-14 years old when I started communicating with the system but I didn’t have a name for it (OSDD-1b) until I was around 16-17

Hmmm honestly? We’re shit at pretending to be each other and that disrupts the day to day pretty bad and tends to cause a lot of problems. That and no one doing the things we’re supposed to do bc they sound boring

I really like the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding, it helps me a lot!

My previous therapists haven’t been great but my current one is really good! She helps me a lot with conflict resolution, especially conflicts within our system

Semi-often? I (Ashel) am the host and I’m out pretty much all day but folks come in and out of co-con and every few-ish days, I’ll leave front entirely to let folks be gay with their partners/potential partners (namely Zylus, Holly, and Moss)

Well me and Liz-1 (our main gatekeeper) disagree on this but recovery for me is to possibly have a few more integrations and improve our communication and relationships in order to live our life as a functional, slightly smaller system

Improving our communication for sure. We have shitty communication and that alone has caused more than a few fights

It differs depending on the current frequent fronters but rn, I wake up and be gay most of the day. If it’s a bad anxiety day, then a protector (typically TorinBD or Lid) will be co-con, and it’s a bad trauma day, then a trauma holder (typically Holly) will be co-con. Around night time (anywhere between 10pm-2am), I’ll leave front because I have terrible insomnia and whoever was co-con will go to sleep (we’ve got some alters who’s job is to sleep but they’re not great at their jobs lol)

My external support system is.. not ideal? I don’t live in a safe environment so my support system is my online friends which sometimes makes stuff hard. I love all my friends tho, they’re doing great!

We use the SystemTime! bot on discord to record switches and a personal system server on discord to leave notes and other stuff (we tried writing stuff down but leaving physical evidence of the system is a bad idea)

Floaty? It’s weird... sometimes I’m like 3 feet behind myself and sometimes I’m just laying there, feeling like I’m in a void

I don’t really listen to a lot of music!

Good? There’s been a few bad folks of course, but there’s also a lot of amazing folks who I’m so happy I met

Oh uhhhh if the amount of introjects we have says anything, it says too many medias lol

Hmm for me personally, I would say venting! Like... sometimes venting is great when I’m mad but when I’m just dealing with trauma, talking about it often makes me more distressed and protectors typically have to intervene

The headaches are probably the worst, your entire head is pounding, and all you can do is lay there and hold your head and cry

Improving our relationships! Like I said earlier, my therapist and I work a lot in conflict resolution and that helps us understand each other better and get along!

Uhhh depression is big, and so is anxiety

Hmm depends? Certain trauma I tend to over share (and then a protector steps in because I’m working myself up) but certain trauma I either don’t know at all or refuse to talk about

A good amount I think! We’ve still got a lot of trauma holders who need help but we’ve also got a lot of trauma holders who have become stable (myself included!) and I’m so happy with the progress we’ve made

It’s hard to say, we’re still undecided about who we’re cutting off and when but my ideal future would be to live with my partners, working in a field I’m happy with, and for none of us to ever have to worry about our ab-sers ever again

I deal with some guilt, a hell of a lot of anxiety, and some less than great sh urges that I don’t like having to deal with because they’re just hard to handle and/or get in the way of my life. Some other folks have a lot of things they struggle with experiencing, most recently Zylus, but those aren’t my struggles to comment on

I don’t do shit, our gatekeepers immediate contact that alter’s protectors or caretakers who typically know them best and know how to help them. Eg: when I’m distressed, TorinBD typically pulls me out of front and distracts me from the issue, calming me down (and then I nap lol)

Hmm internal? Like I mentioned earlier, leaving evidence of the system is dangerous so aside from things on my phone, it’s safest if we mostly communicate internally

Aww this is a cute question. My partners and my friends make me super happy, and seeing other alters in our system happy makes me happy too. I’m happy with how far we’ve come

Anyway, thanks for readin and thanks Torin for asking lol, here’s the questions in case y’all don’t want to have to go back and forth between the two posts

[ahnmakes]

devlog # 6 // hex tilemaps and pathfinding, part 5 (refining pathfinding features)

so, if you can’t tell, i’m absolutely in love with development right now, been typing away for days and days. :’)

mainly, since the last devlog, i’ve spent my time doing two things:

- organising and backing up my development process

- refining the pathfinding system’s features

starting with that first point, once my project files and code started getting to be more than a few lines, i quickly realised that i would need to take some time to start keeping everything even more in order.

i came across trello, a tool where you can make and sort tasks to keep track of what’s going on in your project.  currently, this is all entered manually, but i did notice they have a thousand features and other apps and things to take your task-keeping further.  right now, i am satisfied and very much served by these simple lists.  instead of countless, nondescript notes and word documents on my computer - “rpg notes”, “rpg devlog”, “devlog notes”, “game design”, “game design b”, “design notes”, etc - i keep all of my to-dos in one place.

i also started using github (for unity) to keep changelogs and backups of all of my project files.  this is something i had been especially thinking of as the files grew larger and larger, given that if i lost my progress, even though i could definitely put things back together (and perhaps more neatly the second time?), it would definitely throw off my motivation.

it only took a few minutes to set up a github repository(?) and install the associated plugin for unity, though i do not feel at all that i understand how this all really works - for now, the point is that i’ve got a consistent, easy way of tracking changes in my files and making sure i don’t lose them.

okay, now for what we’re really here for: the game, and its pathfinding system(s).  what i’m not going to do in this devlog is explain every detail of how i’ve put things together; what i will do is explain (a) what i put together, (b) the patterns and resources i worked from, and (c) some of the challenges that came up throughout.  there’s going to be lots of pictures today!

last time, we got to pathfinding in the sense that the game was able to identify the quickest route from our source position to a target tile position, then draw debug lines along that route.  in the few days since then, i’ve complicated the system quite a lot.

firstly, i made changes so that the tiles actually have movement costs.  i did this by creating a method that would take in the coordinates of a tile, then return its cost.

next, we needed to actually put this cost into the algorithm, so instead of the dist, i put in the CostToEnterTile - this piece of pathfinding might look familiar!  (i actually ended up putting the distance back into the equation as well, not shown in this image.)

after manually defining the movement cost values for each tileType in the inspector, the game looked like this:

notice how the pathfinding is avoiding grey tiles, and somewhat the blue ones?  this is not the “shortest” path, but it is the one that costs the player the least movement (which is what we want)!

next, i put in a method i imagined would be helpful - something called upon Start that would take a unit’s position, figure out if there was a hex below (via raycast), and then take on that hex’s position and array coordinates.  for a reason i cannot explain, this works only on this exact player object - not even on copies - and it works about 85% of the time.  :’)  i don’t understand why at all, and i’ve pored over this code (and updated it) for hours.  if you see why this code isn’t working how i intend, please let me know!

this is what it looks like when it does work (player was originally just vaguely, randomly over a tile and is now centered on that tile, internally storing a reference to its coordinates):

and whoa!  the tiles are at different heights?

well, yes, because i created something for each tileType called the “height offset range”.  this data is used when first instantiating all the hexes.  brings a ton more depth into the level.  lesgoooo unity 3d!

with this, the tiles start to look more like environmental terrain.  it becomes more apparent that the pathfinding is very much avoiding certain tiles.

this is just one of many changes i want to implement that will allow the game to generate interesting levels, procedurally, with almost no effort.

check out this “randomly” generated level, which has a more island-y feel, with the increased water tiles.

this was created by altering only 3 or so values, representing the proportions of a given tileType’s likelihood to be the one chosen when a hex is instantiated. (i want to soon move all of these variables into something editable from the inspector, so everything can be easily adjusted from inside unity, not from digging in the code.)

if i alter these few values again (notice below that i only change the 10, 9, and 6), we start generating levels that have quite a different feeling to them, something more rocky.

i even created another tileType (called “null”) which cannot be targeted or walked on.  this creates an effect that looks like there are spaces cut out of the map.

it may seem like “well, of course, the pathfinding won’t go along these tiles if they don’t exist”, but they actually do exist; the pathfinding is recognising them and choosing against them.  here is the same image as above, but with the null hexes changed to a visible/glassy material.

then, it felt like time to jump more into the code again and figure out how to not just calculate paths, but to actually use them to move the character.  again, with insights from quill’s tutorial, i set up some code that would move the unit along the found path, guiding them to a specific “destination”, waiting for them to get close, then moving to the next piece as the next destination.  cool shit that i definitely didn’t figure out alone.

after putting in some debugs (thanks to my virgo), we get a very satisfying list of steps the pathfinding went through to move the player, and our first visual..

! ! !

there remains only one thing to be done, from the two goals i defined for the pathfinding system.  one was to be able to find a path and move a character there (which we just did), and the other was .. to highlight possible move spaces?  how the fu--

welp, long story short, i panicked a bit because the few guides/tutorials i was finding were v e r y math and big, conceptual engineering (at least that’s how they felt).  and when i found what felt like a more accessible tutorial that showed someone using pathfinding for this purpose (highlighting possible movement tiles), their implementation didn’t seem immediately like something i could integrate alongside what i had.  i watched a bit, got frustrated and overwhelmed, then decided to relax, ease my mind .. which led me to this video lol?  an mit talk about graph theory and breadth first search.

somehow, i found it comforting to just explore the concept without thinking of how to apply it immediately.  i was just seeking to understand.  and understand i did.  right before i went to bed, i decided to write out - from this understanding - what kind of lists, variables, states, methods i would need to get this working.  i set it aside, and went to sleep.  and when i woke up the next day, this morning, this is what i did.

i translated what i had understood directly into new lists, variables, and the like - things i understood.  and for the first time on this scale, i was doing this entirely freehand, without any tutorial.  and i wrote for the code to do this when the the player was clicked on:

not so impressive?  what about this?

that looks like what i asked for!

the only difference between the two is that, in the second implementation of this algorithm, rather than cycling through all of the hexes, i ask the search to stop at a certain point -- something i’m currently calling the movement buffer.

from the game’s movement rules, a player can not only attempt to move within a character’s movement range, but can also exert the player to try to push to a further tile; this has the consequence of the character hurting or overly fatiguing themself, if they do not make a high enough roll to move that amount.  that’s what this image shows: the light blue represents the player’s movement, and the darker blue represents those exert/can-try-but-it’s-risky tiles.

i also took care of some other helpful, necessary features (can only select within the highlighted tiles, deselecting the unit will return tiles to their original colors, etc), also free-hand, just by applying the little pieces i know into a greater whole.

i have never felt more confident in my own programming ability; i define goals for my work, i research, i think through them, and then am able to create and refine the code that follows.  with that massive update, i will temporarily be pausing on any pathfinding for a while (as both of the goals we defined have been completed!), and looking to other areas to explore.

thank you for joining me on this journey so far. <3 in the next days, i’ll mostly be looking into visuals - shader maths, animation, modeling - trying to get things looking pretty.  most likely will be implementing a character stats UI, as well.  see you in the next devlog (or find and chat with me on twitter.com/michaelinwords​)!

with love and an ever-growing to-do list,

ahn

#dev #gamedev #indie games #indie developer #indie development #game development #art #shaders #math #animation #modeling #ui #character #rpg #turn-based rpg #final fantasy tactics #hex tiles #hex-based #grid #magic #fantasy #graph theory #pathfinding #engineering #mathematics #computer science #unity #unity3d

[ddragon13]

How do you "meet" your alters? I feel like I'm crazy just for thinking I'm doing this. But I tried to have a meeting and when my eyes were open I was dissociating A LOT! I was dizzy and had to keep my eyes closed. I don't understand when people say you have to "meet" your alters.

This is a little uncomfortable for me to write because I am so new to the terminology and finally having a way to describe what’s been happening in my headspace my whole life. I keep re-drafting this, but every version comes out rambly and I’m sorry.I think it’s normal to feel crazy in this situation. I mean, we didn’t want to be crazy, so that’s how we’ve managed to avoid detection the last 23 years. hahahaa Certain things just came up and half of my alters were tired of being ignored. So meeting everyone came about pretty quickly based on our situation.A little background: I have BPD as well and spent a solid 3 years learning various CBT techniques to help sort out that particular mess. (when I was diagnosed, my therapist also mentioned DID, ADHD, and slight autism, but the only thing she wanted to treat at the time was the BPD because the other things “didn’t seem to bother” me. I didn’t even know what DID was until last week and now suddenly the whole world makes sense.) With CBT there’s lots of journaling and self examination. What triggers me? How do I know when I’ve been triggered? What situations make me feel a certain way? So I applied the same techniques to listening to my alters. When I found out about DID, we talked immediately to my partner. She has been so incredibly supportive and actually knew before we did that I had this, though again, none of us had a name for it. She was actually the one that suggested I sit down and try to meet everyone.

I’m an artist, thespian, and I practice witchcraft. So visualization comes pretty naturally to me anymore. I sat down with the mindset of “I don’t know what is going to come from this. Whether I actually have DID or not, it will be good to do this. After all, sometimes when you name your emotions it makes self-compassion a little easier. So regardless of what happens, I am doing this to help myself.” This mindset eliminated any possibility of feeling “crazy” which made it significantly easier to avoid fighting the following… I had a pile of note-cards and my pencil. Really, all I did was say “I’m ready to hear what you have to tell me. Anyone who wants to talk, now is your chance.” (and yes, I said this out loud. I giggle in retrospect...)

My family and friends frequently point out that I go into a kind of trance when I do creative work. I personally just thought of it as “hyper focus,” but it is true that from the time I pick up my tools until I am done, I don’t actually remember anything. Which, is also why I’ve always been so ashamed of my work? That’s another long story. Point is, I found myself in that familiar tunnel. Every distinct voice was given a face- some more clear than others. This was Mixer. Finally a name for the one who thinks in pictures and is responsible for these lapses in time when I work.The next notecard was grabbed by Scholar, then Kit, and then Lily. Each wrote a little blurb about themselves and their purpose. Lily had to stop midway because everything was just too overwhelming for her. Suddenly being recognized and listened to was… well… a lot. We took a nap and afterwards I examined the cards. I looked at the hand writing and recognized different hands in my journal. I cross referenced my journal and the personalities all matched. I observed the tensions in my body, and my emotional responses after each alter wrote. We only made it through 4 of the 11, but it was enough to learn how I feel when I’m co-con. We realized that we all met Pearl (our little) a long time ago. My Dad was actually the first to notice her before I even started therapy the first time! LolSo now, we (my partner included) pay attention to when I switch and what brings out each alter. Now that they are not ashamed or worried about labeling the system as “crazy” their distinct personalities are starting to show instead of merely acting like who I am “supposed” to be. Which is nice. My partner has also started quizzing everyone’s memories. This is how we’re learning how to cope with the amnesia spells. It turns out that as long as the last alter who fronts co-cons for a short period after, they can share memories and I don’t lose gaps. Which is nice.As far as having a “system meeting” goes: using the car analogy we typically have someone riding passenger and 3 in the back seat at any given time anyway. So now that I know who’s voice belongs to whom, we can carry on full conversations while going about the day. Which is also a nice change from the sheer cacophony of unrelated thoughts/sounds that used to exist before we were willing to listen.

I don’t know how to help you with feeling dizzy? Other than practice. I used to get that way when meditating and doing tarot readings. It doesn’t happen as often anymore. But when Lilly fronted willingly that first time, we got horribly nauseous. I think it’s just part of it? Never push yourself further than you are comfortable. When you need to stop, stop. It’s okay. The feelings you have are real and only you know your limits. I think of it kind of like lifting weights: you push yourself enough to grow without over-exerting and hurting yourself. If that means only 3 sets of 2 reps, so be it. If that means only listening to 1 alter, then that’s enough.I hope that answers your question. I’m so sorry for the long-winded response.

#unplannedlove #i meant to answer this privately and then it turned into a private post and now it's stuck on this blog #fuck me. reblogging it to the did blog space #and then i should be able to delete it here right???

[nicartph]

CONVERGE

Conducting a sporting event on full swing in every school around the world becomes imperatively paramount today as the trends are becoming grandiosely cultural and filthy hype. Let’s not forget the bottom line that in a school setting this is part of the curriculum and a celebrations of both sports and life skills learning through running events, novelty races and mass drill performances.  It is indeed a challenge for one to think parallel and consider all the parameters of a successful sporting event including   the school  expectation, time frame, budget allocation, students’ ability, people that you’ll be working with, event  standards, down to having implements  are all have to CONVERGE.

What does it take to have a successful sporting event with a cultural performance twist?  

I trimmed and listed 10 empirical points on how to plan and conduct an Annual Sports Day in school. Hope you find it cool.

1.       DTT (Define the Task). It is important to always make the job crystal clear before you start planning. There’s no harm in asking, ‘What’s the management expectation?’ ,  ‘ What kind of culmination activity are we looking for here?’ . It is safe that both ends are looking at the same page especially when you are teaching overseas / other countries dealing with other nationalities, where language, might be a barrier for certain point of time. So always DTT!

2.       Standard. Raising a bar is easy but raising it higher takes intensive effort of everything that’s why you need to have one. It doesn’t have to be wild and too technical, It’s about you and your work ethics something that answers the question, what do you want people to be known you for? or ‘ How did you pull the strings to bring nothing but the best version of all your students? It takes skills and experience for you to be able to set one for yourself. Most of the time, setting your work standards is risky & always gets prejudged. However, if you can picture out the outcome then work backwards and you know to yourself that you can pull it, everything is worth taking the risk. Trust me!

3.       Experience. Teachers’ (for all I must say) best teacher case close.  Short sharing:  when I was teaching in the Philippines I have experienced both private and public schools when luxury and scarcity of all kinds of supports were evident. Also here in UAE, I’ve been to couple of schools having different supports system and all. Having said that, I am now able to take those good points, further improve, implement and eliminate those bad experiences.  And when you have all these in mind, everything becomes smooth.

4.       Students’ Ability.  Understanding students’ capability should be the priority. Your planning and course of action should be made FLEXIBLE.  Keeping in mind that the true highlights on that day are your students so might as well work on their pace without compromising point # 2. Structured running selection prior to the event is what I have learnt to understand my students and on how to take them all forward considering differentiated instruction and all.  Mind setting and  teaching games for understanding technique are the instruction dissemination  keys to become a better version of them with a certain level of sportsmanship by having individual goal setting scheme ( through breaking own time record) , accepting the guidelines of selection,   how to treat defeat  and be happy to cheer for the success of others. ALL TAKES AN UNDERSTANDING. On the other hand, I made mentioned that the planning has to be flexible because if not you’ll end up frustrated. A very precise example is mass drill practices, again we should understand that not all our students are kinesthetically able. So during one of our practices, I gave my senior group students a dance exercise routine which they found it difficult to execute but still trying and ended up with a not so pleasing result. Turn out, I changed it into easier routine but still they aren’t able to take, until I came up with my alteration of routine and finally got it.   Again, it takes an understanding.

5.       Time Frame. Always work in a backward design is my suggestion. It would be helpful if you keep a task board  with you and list down all the errands, implements, purchases, people to communicate, even taking break in between. All needs to be visually written so to be able see the progress day by day by encircling or cutting out those jobs done. Time to request for a marker and start making your to do list.  

6.       Budget. This has a direct effect on the outcome of the event thus should be part of the stage 1 planning.  Dealing with this, I would suggest two contrasting good points. 1- Remember that you are part of the faculty /school team that must consider the amount of every expenditure, everything has to be worthy or probably not so pricey kind of spending and 2- Just be open to tell to your boss what exactly you want to buy for this event, It doesn’t mean that they will agree on it perhaps, they can suggest for any better alternatives.  You know what? Allowing you to personally spend for the requirements by giving you petty cash is the coolest thing to happen as far as budget is concern.

7.       People. It gives me an immense pleasure working with bunch of people whom I haven’t got to worked with before. I have experienced fun and dismayed bumping into others who are out my league. (I’ll be writing a separate blog about the kind of people I got to worked with). In here, having people smart skill is important and knowing your peoples’ strength is IMPORTANTER (grammar!!!) LOL! I have in my team who knows best in IT and computer work, so might as well gave her all the documentation work including being music in charge on the day of event. I have another team member who’s good in art and have patience with the designing of small details so I made her in charge of program and props beautification, another has a good sense of command in disciplining children, one is logical thinker, one is born dancer and well versed in artistic yoga, one is a leader, one is creator, etc… (I am excited to write my next blog… I have a ton to say). BOTTOMLINE: Use your people/team’s multiple intelligences and talents and always treat them with respect and just wait for the cunning result.    

8.       Events.  You are now down to designing what kind of show you be putting up. Yes, an extra hour of research would be helpful. Personally, I always brainstorm during my morning shower and morning bus ride. You won’t believe, that a tons of crazy ideas are popping up so I just have to keep on writing before it gets vanish.  My personal suggestion, apart from the given points above, come up with an idea that 1. You are enjoying teaching and doing it 2. It should have substance in it and 3. It must have a takeout effect after watching. JUST DON’T FORGET THE FIRST 7 POINTS ABOVE.

9.       Implement. If you are very hands on in every small details of the event then you do personally the shopping or the purchasing of implements for the mass drill, programs design & decoration amenities just like I did. Few tips: 1. You must know the cheapest yet with quality stores for your requirements in town, remember we are talking about bulk order 2. Build a rapport for future purchasing. It is always good to establish good working relation for future deals and 3. You must have your car. Commuting is OK but tiring especially if you need to walk kilometers, with 6 big plastic shopping bags on your hands.

10.   Reason. In between the process you will feel lost, exhausted, jaded because of back to back to back errands, I must admit that at a certain point of time I did cry for the same. One of my friends asked me to give reason at least one good reason why am I all doing these? I answered: I DON’T HAVE 1 , BECAUSE I HAVE 540 REASONS WHY I AM ALL DOING THESE. (My students from KG1- Gr.8)

THANKS FOR READING AND WISHING YOU AND YOUR SPORTS DAY ALL THE BEST!

#SPORTS SPORTDAY CBSE DUBAI SCHOOL PHYSICALEDUCATION KHDA

[muneerahwrites]

BHM: Wretched of the Earth

[I am revisiting books of black thinkers or activists that were introduced to me during my Masters in SOAS but due to uni being uni, I did not have enough time to dwell on the readings. As it is also Black History Month in the UK, I thought this was the perfect opportunity for me to pen some thoughts down upon re-reading three texts.]

I remember finding this a difficult text to read and in the Comparative International Political Thought class in SOAS, it was the week on anti-colonialism and we had to compare Fanon’s position on violence with Gandhi. Me, being from a very safe country, not knowing a lot about physical strife and conflict, I instantly leaned towards Gandhi. Non-violence and passive resistance always seemed of a better and morally sound stance for me. I attribute this to my upbringing and from media today, the world is always portrayed as black and white. Violence is always dismissed as bad and evil, no matter the perpetrator or the context. And violence is always attributed to certain peoples and actions – this is a whole different conversation, one that I will not delve into here. (I was so intrigued by this concept of moral violence, I dedicated a short reaction paper to this, if you’re interested in reading it, I posted it here: http://muneerahwrites.tumblr.com/post/166455572563/can-violence-be-moral-revisiting-fanon-on)

Short Background of Fanon and the text

Frantz Fanon, born 1925 in Martinique, a French colony, was a psychiatrist, philosopher and revolutionary who wrote two works that came to shape anti-colonial movements –  Black Skin, White Masks and The Wretched of the Earth. Black Skins, White Masks is a great great piece on the psychological effects of racism and colonialism, where Fanon laid out the definition of a colonized mindset and explained where feelings of dependency and inadequacy of the colonised come from. 

If you’re interested about Fanon’s backstory, look it up online, there’s a lot of resources about him. Writings always reveal more when we understand the writer.

It is important to note that Fanon wrote most parts of The Wretched of the Earth in 1960 – when decolonization was occurring in most African countries. This has to be highlighted to show that Fanon had a direct experience of colonialism, independence and problems that came with it. Wretched of the Earth covers Fanon’s discussions of decolonization in Africa, especially Algeria. He looks at patterns in how the colonsied overthrew the colonizers – its success and failures, how newly independent countries form national and cultural consciousness and the psychological impact of the colonialism on the colonised. Most people view it to be a call to violent action against the coloniser, a radical militant anthem for oppressed people and an ideology for resistance. This was how I viewed it too upon first reading in uni, especially reading this side by side with Gandhi’s discussion on decolonization.

But as a whole, it is actually his critique and observations of the colonial reality; he warns about the liberation movements, that when they have attained independence they are capable of undermining their own democracy and liberation through ignorance and greed. Also given the complexities of the colonial struggle and almost a century of exploitation, newly independent countries struggle to function independently.

He wrote this book while he was terminally ill with cancer, so many saw it as an attempt to make a larger contribution to a theory of colonialism in the African continent. His observations stem from his experiences as a psychiatrist for the fighters and tortured combatants of Algeria’s National Liberation Front (FLN), and with influences of Marxism, he was a staunch critic of the French Left.

The Wretched of the Earth

I have a feeling Im only going to talk about the first chapter:/ But sokay.

To me, the intended audience of this book was for a multi-racial and global audience, not only those experience decolonisation as Fanon challenges the Manichean thinking created by colonialism. Fanon asserts that “racialism and hatred and resentment - ‘a legitimate desire for revenge’ cannot sustain a war of liberation”. (138) He doesn’t call on racial or geographical binaries but forces us to look at the systems and the environments created by colonialism.

Fanon talks about the importance of violence as a political tool, which can not only bring about fundamental change, but which also deconstructs the colonizer-colonized, master-slave relationship thus bringing in a change in the social structure from the bottom up. He highlights the colonial systems and how the colonial hierarchy is perpetuated and maintained through violence. According to Fanon, violence begins with the coloniser, who “does not alleviate oppression or mask domination. He displays and demonstrates them with the clear conscience of the law enforcer, and brings violence into the homes and minds of the colonised subject.” It is only through violence, then, that the colonised can reassert their own humanity. Decolonisation, he states, is a violent process of overthrowing the government, but more than that of freeing the colonised mindset that is imposed and drilled into the colonised. During decolonisation, it is this unchecked, destructive and tireless violence that is “appropriated” by the colonised.

Violence is thus an empowerment tool which the colonized uses to reassert their authority and legitimacy at the colonizer. This notion of violence seem to be a way for the colonised to construct themselves as a people with agency, rather than passive subjects who are the receivers of powers.

He says: “At the level of individuals, violence is a cleansing force. It frees the native from his inferiority complex and from his despair and inaction; it makes him fearless and restores his self-respect.” (51)

In stark comparison with Gandhi, Fanon ridicules the notion of formal independence granted through peaceful handovers and more moderate means. Negotiation is no substitute for capitulation, and does not bring about effective decolonization. For example, Gabon gained a black, national-bourgeois president who is received as the guest of the president of French Republic; but within Gabon the status quo realized under French colonialism continues (26-28).

Fanon's disdain for the national bourgeoisie is due to his observation that their primary goal of decolonization is not fundamentally altering the political system and improving the situation of the majority. Rather, they wish to gain access to the wealth and social status that had previously been held by the colonists.(53) This commentary is so useful in the reading of decolonisation across the globe as we see elites and nationalist movements actually replicating the colonial systems and retaining their economic interest.

The national bourgeoisie, defined by its European-based education and culture, is credited with founding the political parties, which give rise to the country's future leaders and those that negotiate the terms of decolonization with the colonist country. However, the relative social and economic comfort of the national bourgeoisie prevents them from supporting a violent insurrection. This made me think of how we always project our moralities onto others because we don’t want to let go of our own interests.

I think Fanon brings up an important concept of self-empowerment that we often overlook. He claims that through this struggle (decolonisation) a new national culture will be defined-not a culture defined by European norms; nor a culture that harkens back to indigenous traditions of pre-colonial times as this culture is forever lost, reactionary, and has been ruined and degraded in the psyche of the colonized through colonial racism and modernisation. The colonised must looked inward yet forward.

In the rest of his book, he comments on the divisiveness of the national bourgeoisies and the limits of nationalism.

Importance of Fanon

He is a black political thinker that speaks of nation building and revolution. Throughout my whole undergraduate years studying political theory, there has been no mention of Fanon in my lectures and tutorials and it is really such a shame as his work is really relevant to what we see today of post-colonial states and his work is compelling as it looks at politics and psychology and philosophy.

There is so much truth in his work when we look at African and Middle Eastern states today; bourgeoisies that tended to replace the colonial force with a new class-based system replicating the old colonial structures of exploitation and oppression. Today we can see states across the formerly colonised world giving rise to national security states, to dictatorships, oligarchies and one-party systems.

Share your thoughts and opinions! If you’ve read the book, lemme know what your opinions are!

Lol and I got too excited, so this is way too long. I’ll try to shorten it for the next book!

Passages that struck me

Colonialism is not a machine capable of thinking, nor a body endowed with reasoning faculties. It is naked violence, and only gives in when confronted with greater violence. (23)

We have said that the native's violence unifies the people. By its very structure, colonialism is separatist and regionalist. Colonialism does not simply state the existence of tribes; it also reinforces it and separates them. The colonial system encourages chieftaincies and keeps alive the old Marabout confraternities. Violence is in action allinclusive and national. It follows that it is closely involved in the liquidation of regionalism and of tribalism. Thus the national parties show no pity at all toward the kaids and the customary chiefs. Their destruction is the preliminary to the unification of the people. (51)

At the level of individuals, violence is a cleansing force. It frees the native from his inferiority complex and from his despair and inaction; it makes him fearless and restores his self-respect. (51)

The whole commentary on capitalism and repatriation from pages 55-62 is great. Pay special attention to it: “Moral reparation for national independence does not fool us and it doesn’t feed us. The wealth of the imperialist nations is also our wealth. At a universal level, such a statement in no way means we feel implicated in the technical feats or artistic creations of the West. In concrete terms, Europe has been bloated out of all proportions by the gold and raw materials from such colonial countries as Latin America, China and Africa. (58)

Europe is literally the creation of the Third World. The wealth which smothers her is that which was stolen from the underdeveloped peoples. The ports of Holland, the docks of Bordeaux and Liverpool were specialized in the Negro slave trade, and owe their renown to millions of deported slaves. So when we hear the head of a European state declare with his hand on his heart that he must come to the aid of the poor underdeveloped peoples, we do not tremble with gratitude. (58)

“This spectacular flight of capital is one of the most constant phenomena of decolonisation.” (59)

“Colonialism hardly ever exploits the whole of a country. It contents itself with bringing to light the natural resources, which it extracts, and exports to meet the needs of the mother country’s industries, thereby allowing certain sectors of the colony to become relatively rich. But the rest of the colony follows its path of under-development and poverty, or at all events sinks into it more deeply.”

#Franz Fanon #wretched of the earth #black history month #book summary #the wretched of the earth #postcolonialism

[raining-down-on-the-system]

Not gunna lie (a sorta update turned long rambley and dissociative

Crap's been bad. Stressful and hard are the best ways to describe the last 3(?) ish months... It seems like just as everything gets back to "normal" something else comes up... The vast majority has been external stress and happenings. Now though, certain things are transferring to internal bs too and there's literally nothing anyone of us can do about it. Our probably lowest functioning alter in our section was apparently just starting to make sounds, from what I understand there wasn't really anything close to words but sounds alone are a big deal for her. Well somehow word of this got to a persecutor - I really am not comfortable naming anyone here...idk it's all really personal and still really fresh so, yeah, you guys understand... - anyway our persecutor got a hold of her and brought her back to the section over, which none of us /but/ this particular alter has access to (unless she brings you there herself.. obviously) which is REAL damn concerning bc she won't tell anyone - including my bf who she's got a good relationship/trust with (or at least it seems.. idk I'm really sketched out by this tbh) - why/ for what purpose she brought her over there, or anyyyy details surrounding it besides just "it's Otherside stuff, don't worry about it" or hella vague statements like that... (Otherside is the name of the section over from... us? Lol idk how to word it, I don't wanna say "main section" but like???? We literally just call the section we're all in "Inside", the whole of the inner space is called "inner world" like.. 'normal' to differentiate, even though it's super close.. basically we've never been able to agree on a name for our section) Anywayyyy the worry is abuse happening innerworld/ Otherside more specifically based on what we know of her and Otherside.. I'd have to check the dates cuz I'm not 100% positive, but I'm fairly sure this all lines up with some intense and sudden family stress that I don't plan on going into due to contents of it.. idk why I feel the need to explain myself... pretty sure anyone following me who bothers to read all this will probably understand how sensitive content can be difficult/ triggering for both the writer and reader.. this is a damn DID system blog for fucks sake. But point being I'm super concerned for what this could mean, especially as far as unraveling trauma, because tbh I've basically been avoiding that like the plague in therapy... like I'm a crazy curious person by nature, and I want to learn all there is to learn, but am also like a pro at deflecting emotion and (trying to remember how my therapist says it and failing apparently lol) - I legit give up on the end of this sentence I've been trying to figure out the words or even remember for the last like 5mins but I'm tired and starting to dissociate and ughhhhhhhhh....... this is annoying but I just really want to be able to finish my vent... So attempting to continue on... I'm like no good at accepting/ dealing with trauma or anything when presented with it - except occasionally when it's presented purely as fact and void of emotional backing, intent or charge.. lol - which is part of why my bf and I work so well together, were both lower empathy so we often step back and speak theoretically and non emotionally which works really well for us especially when problem solving and stuff. Ok but I've lost track of what I was trying to say again. But I'm keeping all this cuz it's helping me process I think so I can hopefully stop thinking myself in circles RIGHT ok trauma work.. yeah I'm scared shitless of it even though some sick part of me desperately wants to know... And pieces of things are starting to fall together a lot quicker than I would like all of a sudden and too many things are fitting logically together to come up with a most and more than likely scenario of early life events that was only really theorized by me until now and idk that I'm ready to accept this it's too damn much too quick like I had my ideas but I also kinda thought it was all bullshit and nothing would come of it and I'd just be a stupid and crazy young adult with differing issues than originally suspected but I think that's exactly the "cover up" if that makes any sense. It's my safety screen because I'm too much of a p*ssy to face up to any of it... Whelp... congratulations Tumblr... you've officially seen my thought process in writing as I slowly dwindle into dissociation and an existential crisis simultaneously... that's just great.... I'm not deleting any of this tho because I want the record of it tomorrow so I can get it down on paper or something... My therapist is gunna love this lol (like in the sense that she'll approve of me looking emotionally at events and such and communicating them.. at least I hope so?? Hi Stace!!!! lol it's me from the past!!! F*ckin trippy! K but seriously do you approve cuz now I'm paranoid and probs might cry but actually also probably not... just sayin) Guys Idk how to deal with this... imma be honest I'm freaking tf out by everything happening all around me. Like now I can't escape it regardless of where I go - not that that matters because amnesia is still being a regular bitch which I blame on the constant stress???? Does anyone else have that problem??? Amnesia getting worse while more stressed I mean, not just like switching more or something, specifically forgetting any switch. Cuz for a while communication was getting better and now it's gotten worse again.... Normal? Anyone?! ALSOooooooo I'm going through a phase of remembering my dreams right now and with all the stress (and how vivid they always are anyway) they've gotten extra weird and uncomfortable and are pulling ideas from like every corner of our waking life and meshing them together into confusing and jagged (that's not the word but the closest approximation I can make right now) dreammares... like they're not quite nightmares but they leave us with this sense of unease for sureeee... I could still hear the small child from my dream screaming for like 5mins after I woke up... (in the head, not like a hallucination) which leads me to believe it was possibly actually coming from somewhere inside but I don't really have a good way to confirm that and again with the whole curious bit a pussy thing I kinda don't wanna knowww.............. but I do but I really don't but I also do so like... fucking send help???/!!!?!?!?!? K I'm don't writing I'm a fucking mess and I can't tell my ceiling from a sea cave right now... -Jinxy

#jinxy speaks #rainingdownonthesystem #update #dissociativeidentitydisorder #actuallydissociative