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thequeenb · 3 years

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Come Back

This is part 3 of the series because its highly requested. Part 1 and 2 are here for you to read.

I watched Poppy get out of the limo gracefully as she has always been. She was perfect in every way, people here aren't used to this type of women. From head to toe she was beautiful, from the way her hair fell to her shoulders to the way she was standing, eyes looking at me intently.

Everyone was stunned but i am not surprised. Charlie gasps as she takes my hand in hers tagging me away from the crowd. My eyes are lost in hers, just like every movie everything stops. My heart is pounding but I can't quite know how i feel. As Charlie pushes me away from her i can see the disappointment all over her perfect features

Why she follow me? Why is she here? How did she know i was here? And most importantly what do i do now? Before my mind start overthink Charlie looks at me worried

"I am sorry this is all my fault i thought it was a celebrity i didn't knew it was your ex"

Right my ex. Is this the right word? I cant quite tell to be honest. We have been through so much that we didn't had time to label our relationship nor we had to. I felt anger when the painful pictures came back in my mind. If our relationship meant even a little bit to her why would she let us fall apart?

I frown and Charlie hugs me tight without another word. She always knew what to do and how to read my eyes. Her hand draws small circles on my back and i take a deep breath

"This wasn't your fault. I am surprised she even knows where Farmsvile is" my bitter chuckle fills the air "i always wanted to take her here, show her the real world without any masks covering our every decision"

Charlie listens to me like always. I miss Zoe though, she is as supportive as her but she always knew the New York world better than Charlie

"Why do you think she is trying to find you?"

I bite my lip in thought wanting the answer to this question but for now its unknown

"Well i blocked her number..her instagram, her Twitter account, her Facebook account her-"

"Woah there" Charlie says laughing "you are such a drama queen no wonder the big city treats you well"

"I wish it did, so many things changed so fast. The way i dress, the way i think, the way i make decisions, everything" i hide my face in my hands unable to get a hold of my emotions

"Well you better make a fast decision because miss Barbie is coming our way right now" i quickly fix my hair and wipe my tears not wanting Poppy to see how hurt i am

She approaches carefully and so sure of herself but knowing her i sense the hesitation in her expression.

"Could we have some privacy?" Poppy asks and Charlie gives me the "should i kill this bitch" look. I nod reassuring her its fine

"If you hurt her more i will throw you to the pigs" Charlie says giving Poppy a sharp look before walking away

Poppy mutters something under her breath, probably something like 'gross' or 'ew'. She is hesitant to sit next to me but I don't mind it. Taking a deep breath i try to not cry

"Look Bea, i won't waste your time because you already hate me but everything you saw has a story behind them" her expression changes, i am sure she replay the events and honestly so do i. The difference between us is that she feels sadness and i am blinded by rage

"Oh i am sure it does. I will make a guess and say that you used me all this time and i was just a puppet in your stupid game" i stand up unable to be close to her

"Oh please what would i gain from you? Being with a farmer girl isn't exactly appealing to any advantage" she stands up too, her eyes a wild fire ready to spread

A farmer girl..not appealing. Bravo Poppy, break my heart a little bit more

"Wow really? Last time i checked a farmer girl made you feel loved, a farmer girl took you to nice places and a farmer girl held you while you complained about your family!!" I raise my voice even though i have all the right reasons, still i can see how surprised she is by it

"I could have anyone i want if i snap my fingers but i tried to protect you i never wanted Carter-"

"Oh really?? The what the fuck is this pic Poppy?" I shove my phone in her face and i can see clearly her anger building in

"You don't understand, i am stupid i even came to this disgusting place to find you" she grabs her bag fixing her hair trying to make a dramatic exit

"Oh seriously? Well i am sorry this doesn't meet your standards i am sure you enjoy the city where nobody gives a shit about you or use you for your name" i grab my bag too and this time i walk away without looking back

Suddenly i stop my tracks but i don't turn around to face her "And to think i wanted to show you where i grew up" thats all i say before my tears fell from my eyes. I change my pace going faster in hope she would chase me but she doesn't.

The fresh air hits my face and i feel safe knowing nobody will judge me here. Walking a little further i finally arrive home where a familiar smell greets me. My mother is making my favourite food, father is feeding the chickens and Charlie waits for me on the porch

I put a fake smile on my face as i approach "well that went better than i thought" sarcasm was always my way to cope with my emotions

"You will share the details later right now we should eat the stew while its hot come on!" Charlie leads me inside the house and it feels good to be surrounded by welcoming faces

The day passes fast and i jump in my bed. I am so exhausted, who knew dealing with my emotions would be so tiring. Before i close my eyes i check my phone in hope Zoe texted me but i know she is busy. I close my eyes hoping the pain will stop and the new day will start better.

The sun hits my face and i groan in annoyance when i hear a knock at my door.

"Sweetheart should i come in?" My mother comes inside my room and i sit up trying to understand why she woke me up at..8:00 in the morning?? Ugh a girl cant get her beauty sleep

She sits beside me cupping my face in her hands. I missed her touch, she always made me feel better about myself and my problems no matter how sad i was feeling

"You have visitors outside waiting for you but i was adviced to not let you look through the window" my mother chuckles "now get ready they waited long enough"

I smile putting all my energy into getting out of my warm bed "fine fine only because i know Charlie will want to do something crazy"

I get dressed and run downstairs. I open the door only to be greeted by Charlie and.. Poppy??

"Goodmorning Princess i am sorry to wake you up so early but we have cows to milk" Charlie winks at me but my attention falls to Poppy who's wearing a simple T shirt and..boots? What is happening?

"Don't look at this city snob like that it took me 1 hour to convince her to wear these"

Poppy rolls her eyes but i laugh, its a once in a lifetime opportunity to see her this way, ah how i would love to take a picture and post it everywhere

"Show me your world" Poppy says giving me a small smile and for the first time i can see all the effort she put for me. I mean the outfit says it all, and the one and only Min SinClair will do farm work? Now thats some change

"I chuckle walking towards the farm "Well then show me how sorry you are" i say throwing a bucket at Poppy who looks at it in disgust

"I swear Hudges if you-" but Charlie push her in time and honestly this is the best sight ever. Poppy pouts but bites her tongue

"Lets go city girl show me what you got" Charlie and i laugh and surprisingly Poppy joins as she hides her face on my shoulder

"I missed you" she whispers only for me to hear and i smile letting my bad thoughts on the side for once seeing where this will take me. I hold her closer as we walk into the sunrise ready to share a piece of myself with her.

Tag list: @mvalentine @otakufangirl-12 @princessstellaris @indecisive-choices @i-loveeveryone @kiara-36 @ognenniyvolk @somewillwin @it-lives-in-braidwood-manor @ghalind @sergeant-pepper-loves-choices @dibberdipper @aiswood @alexlabhont @dopeyouth @tyrils-star @alexroyard @uselesslesbianfr @wolfietheduckyou @somin-yin

#queen b poppy #poppy x mc #poppy min sinclair #queen b #pb choices #choices fic #choices #pb #choices stories you play #playchoices #queen b mc

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saviorgenius · 3 years

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Not Exactly

Summary: Reader thinks something is going on between JJ and Reid and tries to ignore it but cant

It almost feels like every time you walk in a room they stop talking and look at you. You aren’t normally the jealous type, which is why when this happens you try and just shrug it off. You walk in and start talking to them about what ever reason it was that you went in there in the first place and it’s all okay.

The first time you noticed this happened was when you walked into the BAU to give Spence his phone that he left at your apartment. It’s more like you share the apartment, but he still has his own apartment with all of his books that he likes to go to when he’s thinking hard about a case. You were okay with that, you knew what you signed up for when you began to date him. Anyways, you walk in and JJ is on Spencer’s desk talking to him with a smile on her face. They are friends, you know that, you also know that Spencer used to have a crush on her but he was also open about that in the beginning as well. The minute you say a word and they notice you both of their faces go blank and Spencer spins around in his chair in shock which he quickly fixes to be happiness. You make a weird face at him but except the hug he comes at you with, melting into it and forgetting all about the situation.

The second time it happened you were at one of those gathering with the entire team at Rossi’s house. You walked in together and everyone comments on how adorable you are and how they just love seeing you at events with Spencer. You and Emily are talking when Spence sees someone and walks away, you glance just noticing him leaving your side and not who he was going to but you were so into the conversation with Emily it didn’t really matter. You trust him. Maybe ten minutes later Emily had walked away to talk to someone else and you went over to grab a drink scanning the group of friends to find your date. He’s standing with JJ so you walk over and again you were noticed and the conversation pauses. It was starting to get a little irritating at this point but what could you do? So you do what you do best and move passed it. Spencer greets you, “hey Y/N.” He smiles at you but his eyes dart to JJ who is looking down at her glass, you reply back with a soft greeting. “hey, what are you two talking about?” You smile with your innocent question but all you get back is two people telling you two different things they obviously weren’t talking about. It’s awkward for a moment until someone calls JJ away and now your standing there with a nervous Spencer who is waiting for you to pounce on the fact that neither of them had the right answer earlier. But you don’t say anything you just ask him how he’s enjoying the party and the situation disappears again but this time it lingers in the back of your head as well.

The third time that it happened you two were at home for the entire day. He had the day off and so did you, this didn’t happen often so when it did you usually both spend the whole day together watching movies and talking. This time it started off like a normal day but his phone kept buzzing and unlike normal days when he’s off, this time he kept answering it. The first few times it happened you figured he was just getting messages from his team, then it kept happening all day and while he loves his team he normally won’t answer them unless it’s an emergency on his day off. You guys were making dinner together, he was stirring sauce while you were slicing the last ingredients for it when his phone buzzes and his eyes dart away from you to the phone. Your eyebrow raises as he lifts his phone up and reads the text before sitting it down and going back to cooking. “Do you need to go?” You didn’t mean to comment on it but it just slipped out, you would hate to be keeping him from somewhere he’d rather be. He looked over at you with a furrowed brow, “What?” You don’t even hesitate, “Do you need to go? Your phone is going off like you’re a carnival game. If you have a case you can tell me, or if you had other plans you didn’t need to come over today.” He stops stirring and looks at you while you don’t even bother looking up from what you are doing while you talk. “No, I don’t have other plans. I’m happy here- I want to be here with you. It’s just updates on a case we closed.” You liked hearing him say he was happy here, maybe that’s why he said it though.. You don’t like that you’re questioning him but if the shoe fits.. “oh okay,” you say with a smile that doesn’t quite match the normal one you wear. “Just wanted to make sure.” He walks over to you and kisses you on the back of your head lingering for a moment, “I’m sure.” You lean into the feeling and then you both are back to cooking. After a while you guys were eating your food, laughing and talking the night away.You eventually make your way over to the couch to watch a movie together, laying your phones on the side table as always and getting all cuddled up. In the middle of the movie Spencer has to go to the bathroom but tells you not to pause the movie as always. As soon as he makes it to the bathroom you pause it and wait.

Bzz. Bzz. Bzz.

You glance over at the nonstop vibrations and pick it up once you see who it is. JJ. Something inside you hardens, he doesn’t have his message previews on like he used to and that felt secretive. You set the phone back down and sit up on the couch, pressing play on the movie to distract you from any of the overthinking you are about to do/ are already doing. He comes back out and sits down, you aren’t cuddling anymore but he still grabs your hand to hold it. Something was up, but you didn’t want to mention it. It scared you too much on what he might admit to.

The last and the most recent time that it occured was at you aparment once again. This time JJ was there though, along with the rest of the team, you didn’t have the biggest apartment but there was enough room for everyone to be comfortable. It was Spencer’s birthday so you wanted to host it and host it you did. You cooked all the food, made all the decorations, made the cake and all the drinks. In fact you were in the kitchen finishing off dinner right before the last thing that sent you over the edge occured. You walked out with the food, the whole team was sitting and Spencer was sitting next to JJ with a seat open on the other side for you. You take it, still noticing the little looks between spencer and JJ, everything inside of you is fighting to ignore it but it’s so hard. Your eyes glisten with tears but you hold it in, you’re good at that. Through out the day you’ve held it in, from Spencer hugging JJ on entrance and them whispering about something to all the private conversations throughout the night that stopped when you came in the room or were noticed. When you sat to eat its almost like you couldn’t distract yourself from the obvious truth. Spencer was going to leave you..

There was a moment when everyone began to notice you weren’t talking, of course they would notice. It got quiet except for two people, JJ and Spencer, they were having a side conversation not seeing the way you were looking. You look up and see almost all of the eyes on you, Emily looks concerned and her eyes keep darting to Spencer to try and get him to notice, Hotch’s expression looked protective and confused as to why, Rossi looked as if he wanted to kick someone’s ass and the rest of the team looked just the same. You take a breath and excuse yourself for a moment, practically running to the bedroom to get away. That’s when you noticed the absolute silence, JJ and Spencer noticed now too.

Some time passes and you hear the front door opening and closing, your body is aching from embarassment and guilt from somehow ruining the night that wasn’t even about you. You wanted to become invisible, you wanted nothing more than to lock the door and never let anyone back in the apartment again. Then there was a knock on the door, you squeeze your hands into fists and take a deep breath before wiping your tears and fixing yourself to open the door.

Standing outside your door was none other than JJ and Spencer reid themselves. They look almost sheepish as you walk passed them back into the living room where you find out that everyone but these two had left.

“What is the party over?” you say as an attempt at humor before starting to clean up. “Y/N..” Spencer says in a tone that makes you want to listen, he grabs your hands and pulls you to sit down so you could talk. JJ sat down too, they were concerned for what happened whilst the rest of the team had known and left for them to figure it out, hinting for JJ to stay too.

“What, Spencer? What do you want me to say?” Your voice cracks but you were able to recover from it. “I’m sorry I guess I just got overwhelmed.”

Spencer furrows his brow, “Y/N, I’m not upset with you for getting upset. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine.”

“I disagree,” JJ says matter of factly.

Your eyes dart up to look at her and your sadness goes away being replaced with annoyance, “Of course you do.”

“Excuse me?” She laughs and looks to spencer who looks just as confused.

“Of course you do.. You know I’m tired of pretending things dont hurt me anymore. I don’t like when I walk into a room and conversations stop, its suspicious. I don’t like when my boyfriend, who never has his previews on his phone off suddenly does. I don’t like not trusting you.” The last one was directed at Spencer and he looked hurt but also had a look of realization across his face.

“This is all a misunderstanding,” He says trying to get you to understand. “It’s not what you think.”

“Oh so now you assume to know what I’m thinking? Actually why don’t you go ahead and try to explain how all of this doesn’t add up to you and her sneaking around behind my back!” Tears swell in your eyes and they can both tell you are more hurt than angry at this point. They can tell that it’s something you’ve been pushing down and ignoring for a while.

“Y/N, I would never do that to you,” JJ says first. “Spence is only a friend-”

Spencer cuts her off, “This is all my fault. I’m so sorry, Y/n, I’ve noticed your hesitation for a couple months now but I’ve been saying it’ll all be okay in the end because of what I was doing.”

“Spence-”

“No,JJ, she needs to know. No more lies, I knew it was risky.” You were watching them talk back and forth but nothing was making sense to you, your brow furrows and a tear falls down your cheek almost perfectly. “I have been planning a surprise for you and I have been having JJ help me so that I don’t screw it up.” He digs in his poket and puts out a ring, setting it gently in your hand which only makes you cry harder. This whole time you were thinking he was leaving you but in reality he was planning a way to have you in his life forever. “I wasn’t leaving you,Y/N, I was trying to make a perfect day for us so that I can have you in my life forever.”

“I’m so sorry,” You choke out and he reaches up to tuck your hair behind your ear. “I ruined it.”

He smiles at you and shakes his head, “No you didn’t.”

JJ smiles and chuckles, “so does that mean you are saying yes?”

You look up at her and apologise without words, “I don’t remember hearing a question yet.”

He smiles and asks you the question you will never stop hearing until the day you die, “will you marry me?”

You nod and laugh, “Yes.”

Meanwhile on the other side of your apartment door Emily, Garcia, Rossi, Hotch and Derek were all listening with a smile.

#spencer reid x reader #criminal minds x reader

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savnofilter · 3 years

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TW: MENTIONS OF DISCOURSE, GR//MING, P/D/PHILIA, ASS//LT, C//NSENT, D//RK CONTENT.

- this isnt under a read more because i want people to read this, but please read past this/tread carefully if you cannot handle such topics. this is not meant to be interacted with.

I'm not sure how to really go about this. I've been overthinking if I should address this and bring up some stuff while I've been gone, so sorry the absence. I deleted the tumblr app a few days ago and I downloaded it again today so i could post this. I really don't like making posts like this because it cuts the vibe that I've been trying to portray that everything is okay and it makes me feel really disconnected to you guys. I am sorry for the abrupt absence and cutting off any source of communication between us. I knew if I left any form of direct line of talk to me that I would receive hate and I just mentally decided that I cant sit through being harassed right now.

Have you guys ever paid attention to the same people who always have a statement to say or is always in discourse? It's very telling how everyone can post about me, but I shouldnt dare post about them. I'm tired of not being able to post about what I want without people vague posting about me, bringing me up every time they start another discourse with another writer or directly talking about me. My days on here are starting to feel the same. Its good then it goes bad. Good goes bad and bad goes good. It's not even tiring, annoying, or angering -- its repetitive. When I'm not saying anything people create fake stories about me, and when i speak about it im the one starting discourse. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near perfect and I have made my own mistakes. But why the fuck am I always being told to be the mature one, why am I the one who should've done better, why do you people expect so much from me. It's the fact people are always quick to say, "no one cares about you, youre fishing for attention" when they're the ones who vague and interact with me while ive been minding my business for months now. Hm. The fact people have me proudly blocked but still harass me anyways shows a lot about themselves than it does for me. How its such an issue that im a minor until it comes to demonizing, tearing down my character, gaslighting, lying and bullying. I'm a literal example of how their friend group manipulates their followers and exiles people from fandoms for not kissing their ass. except now its in your face.

Consider this my last post about this discourse. I'm not going to waste my time on people who fail to digest other peoples thoughts and opinions time and time again because theyre weak narcissists. If I so choose to decide to shit post my opinions or argue with someone, none of you should be aggravated or moved by it because youre not even supposed to be on my page. If its not something serious i will not be wasting energy that i can be using to build on myself as a growing person than on miserable old ladies that have to use fanfiction to have excitement in their pity, depressing and lackluster lives. If people so do choose to create stories or vague about me, I do not care. So I ask respectfully to people who do lurk on my page to not attempt to message, post or vague about me please. This includes sending anons to yourself to make shit happen.

Past that, something got me thinking. My (older) friend had showed me screenshots of adult writers (no one i have spoken to) that were very excited to write underaged reader with adult characters. There are other instances where writers (that you have probably read from) on here openly made reader underage while aging characters up as adults/with adults. There are many more but there's really no point in listing them nor do I really care. But least to say, the same people who are gung-ho over these pedophilic themes/stories are the same people who support predatory people.

I've been thinking about whether or not i should continue writing for the students anymore. Granted, I still think they're attractive because one snap of the fingers cant stop that. I had been teetering on this thought for awhile because of how borderline pedophilic the people are here towards my age group. I enjoy writing but not to the point of willingly being in a straight line of sight where people who are well over 16 are harassing me and lurking on my page, especially to other minors solely because they are my friends. Backtracking to the statement before, I honestly dont know if I will either stop writing or just for the students as a whole. It shows that clearly some people are using their attraction to teens with the excuse that the characters are fake. The rapid normalization on dark problematic "kinks" is disgusting and vile, and the fact that its discourse now to shame said interests is appalling. Concluding that combined with my experiences here, i feel unsafe.

***(TRIGGER WARNING)*** I dont talk about my personal life on here that much cause I dont see the need too nor do i think its anyone's business. Paired with the fact that the people i have trusted personal information with have used it against me, I will be preventing myself from opening that door. Besides that for now, I have sparsely shared I've been assaulted before. This is my first time really opening up about this and i kind of find it necessary now. Coming from someone who has been a victim of assault and CP by people my age and well over, writing nsfw has been the only way where I could feel comfortable with sex in general. I won't get into details because mentioning this is triggering already and can make people uncomfortable. It feels like anywhere I go, I'm constantly putting myself in a position to be abused. The same people who told me I didn't have to worry about my age and be judged for it, exposed the minimum comfort of keeping myself private online to demonize, judge and hurt me. People call me "extra" for being distraught about my face and age being posted because they think im trying to be sneaky which isn't the case. Its the principle that they KNEW I wasnt ready to share said things, and coming from someone who is inherently a private and closed person, she knew damn well what she was doing when posting screenshots of me on Tumblr. There is no excuse for it. The same writers who write dub/non-con can BARELY understand basic consent and its fucking terrifying. This site was the only other place I could cope without being criticized. To see people who some i was close to proudly lie on my name, (adults) say that i sent them pornographic content without their consent is so very hurtful. To watch people supposedly be victims and then use their own trauma to invalidate my own was so fucking humiliating, disgusting and nerve wracking. Although I knew I made the terrible decision to interact with stories, I have never initiated any NSFW discussion with anyone in DMs unless they did it with me first and a few times -- and trust me raise your hand I'll show you the proof. I was sure that everyone I talked to regularly knew that I was a minor, and to my general consensus, people were under the impression I was 15/16 (which I was and am).***

Whether it be victim blaming from the grooming discourse, I've been met with racism, harassment towards my friends, people wanting me to harm myself and be assaulted. I fear what will happen when i will turn 18, if the harassment will escalate and what not. A big part of me is that I'm still here anyways because it pisses people off and I don't care when I receive hate. I can take it but I don't want it. A good conscious of me knows that I should be doing what's best for me but at the end I'm still attached to my ego-self with the added fact that I sincerely enjoy interacting with my followers and posting stories.

I just don't know how the options look. I'll probably be updating my blog rules as of right now. I've been writing more sfw lately because of this and it'd be nice if you guys supported those until I properly decide. I still have plenty of requests of a bunch of characters (mostly Bakugo and Dabi) and original stuff (all sfw & nsfw) that I really wanna share with you guys. But I just ask that what I do modify that you will respect it like you would to any other writer on here.

Stay safe, keep your mask on, and thank you.

#discourse #tw discourse #tw: discourse #sav talks

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red-elric · 5 years

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so ive read fruits basket like twenty times, and over the last couple of years i noticed that, each time, i was drawn more and more to the characters of kimi and momiji, and identified with them in a way that was really confusing to me because i didnt really think i *actually* had a very similar personality to either of them? (discord friends may disagree but, well, this whole post is going to be about people and characters who change up their personality to be more likable.) i got all introspective about it and finally came to a conclusion about their characters that i subconsciously knew already: the key similarity between the two of them and myself is the way we very carefully layer subtle personality masks for ourselves to protect ourselves and to seem more approachable and likable without actually being vulnerable to other people. (other characters in furuba do this a lot too--key examples that come to mind are tohru, kagura, and yuki--but i care more about momiji and kimi so this is about them.)

to clarify a bit what i mean by this, ill start with a personal example. ive always been pretty good at remembering people’s names, especially if i think theyre cool and want to become friends with them, but i noticed around middle school or high school that people subconsciously find it intimidating/stalkerish if you know their name and they cant remember yours, especially if youve only met once. on the other hand, if they *do* remember your name, and you admit to not remembering theirs, they feel empowered and sympathetic to your situation; and if neither of you remember the other’s name, you have a moment of solidarity that can lead to a more relaxed relationship. so, i started pretending to have a manageable amount of trouble remembering the names of people i wanted to be friends with. the first two or three times that i meet someone, at some point i will use “clarifying their name” as a conversation starter, ie: “you’re....[], right?” or “is it []?” this is a small effect of a pattern of behavior i tend to follow: feigning incompetence to gain trust and camaraderie. is it manipulative? absolutely, but harmlessly so. its directly derived from my own social anxieties, but its a relatively healthy way to feel more connected with my peers and to stop feeling ostracized by people who resent me for being “smarter” than them--something i struggled with a lot in my youth. momiji and kimi dont put up the *same* masks as myself, but they are both rather adept at maintaining their own masks, and are both incredibly socially perceptive in the same way that i am: they analyze people’s reactions to their behavior and sculpt themselves to get the reaction they want.

lets take a look at what this means for kimi. surface level, kimi seems pretty cookie cutter--sure, shes a little chaotic, but she fits quite nicely into the femme fatale/dumb blonde trope (even though shes not blonde). but did you know that shes actually at the top of her class? its subtle, but to me its always been obvious that shes actually incredibly intelligent and constantly manipulating people to suit her needs. there are easy examples of this, of course: flirting with a teacher to get a new whiteboard, anyone? but there’s one scene that’s always spoken volumes to me about her character, and that’s the one-off joke where kakeru starts to say some “secret” about her, clearly joking, and she immediately shuts him down by cutting him off with “don’t say unnecessary things!” and elbowing him in the side, all while still smiling cheerfully. the subtlety of this is that, with her reaction, she’s actually imitating their audience: yuki. it’s yuki she doesn’t want to know about whatever kakeru knows, so she shuts down kakeru in a way we’ve seen yuki yell at kakeru whenever kakeru makes idiotic jokes. the physical attack, the angry smile, accusing kakeru of saying something annoying, but that doesnt really matter; none of these are particularly characteristic to kimi, she causes as much chaos as kakeru on a good day, but they’re incredibly recognizable to yuki. her reaction is familiar to yuki, and it invokes an assumption that kakeru is making a lame joke, not trying to reveal one of her deepest, darkest secrets, and it works because yuki would react completely differently if kakeru tried to tell someone about *his* secrets. yuki doesnt pursue the subject further, kakeru bounces back easily and doesnt give it a second thought, and kimi is safe. so, we can tentatively say that kimi has a habit of reflecting other’s expectations to hide her true self.

now, is this one scene enough on its own to prove this idea? of course not. however, when we view her actions as a whole we start to see a pattern. we see several instances where kakeru will say something stupid and kimi will listen, encourage it, or say something just as stupid back; it’s only when he tries to reveal something about *her* that she shuts him down. we see subtle signs of genuine anger when he tries to reveal her secret: the overly violent jab, the tensed vein/angry eyebrows, etc--not very characteristic for happy-go-lucky, flirtatious kimi. and, of course, we have several examples of how she manipulates a) men into buying things for her, granting her favors, leaving their girlfriends for her, etc; and b) women into feeling inferior to her, feeling aggravated with her, and thinking she’s incredibly troublesome but knowing that they can’t argue with the men about it. overall, its not a far stretch at all to think she’s manipulating everyone around her to avoid revealing information about her true self: a proud, intelligent woman who enjoys causing chaos, but is also very manipulative and controlling to the people around her and hates being vulnerable.

momiji is in some ways similar, and in other ways very very different. most people--especially characters in the story with him--tend to put momiji in this “sweet, innocent child” box. it’s not just his height--his fashion, mannerisms, outlook on life, etc are all very reminiscent of someone much younger than he is, and people tend to *treat* him like he’s much younger than he is. even if they know intellectually that yes, momiji is significantly older than he appears, it’s very easy for the older sohmas to treat him as a troublesome but still loved younger sibling--someone to be taken care of, not taken too seriously, someone lovable. i’ve seen several people point out that part of *why* momiji does this is because he subconsciously feels that hes not allowed to act like an older sibling (to momo), so he acts as a younger sibling in an effort to get a similar sort of familial bond without overstepping the boundaries that his family instilled in his mind, and i agree. i believe momiji has a habit of feigning youth to more easily bond with the people he loves. his childish actions and behavior make him easier to deal with, and also give him a little more leeway to do things that would normally frowned upon if he appeared older, ex: sleeping in a bed with tohru, wearing a girl’s uniform top to school, taking any chance he can get to be physically affectionate with people, indulging in sweets and candy, etc.

two things draw momiji’s true personality out of its shell: his growth spurt, forcing people to acknowledge his actual age, and the breaking of his curse. late game momiji, to me, has always seemed bitter, tired, and sarcastic, as opposed to the sweet, energetic, and sincere front he’d put on for most of the series, which is very interesting to me. of course, you’d normally *expect* someone who’s gone through as much as momiji to *be* bitter, tired, sarcastic, etc; however, when he puts his child-like mask on, it’s easy to pretend that he’s this loving, saintly child who bears no ill will towards anyone, who can be knocked to hell and back and still stand back up to smile again. and i do think it’s true that momiji has an incredible capacity for forgiveness and love, but there’s also no denying that he has a limit, and we can see that during his first conversation with akito after his curse breaks. this, i think, is the most raw, true representation of momiji in the whole story; momiji has lost his link with the family he made for himself in the zodiac, he’s been physically forced to grow out of his persona, he’s finally seeing that his primary abuser is really not so powerful after all, and he’s forced to finally confront the fact that, while his curse, the thing that caused most of the troubles in his life, is broken, the impacts it already had on his life won’t magically go away. momiji in this scene seems completely disconnected from akito, who is still caught up in the curse, still desperately trying to hold everything together; in his lowest moment, we can finally see momiji, not as an all-forgiving saint, but as someone who just wants to start over. he’s not happy that his curse ended; id even go as far to say that momiji, out of every zodiac, is the one who most wishes it was still around, for the bond that it gave him with the other zodiacs and as something he could pin the blame on for his family struggles. which is why it is so sad to me that his was among the first to break.

now, yall probably know by now that i am a momimi bitch, so lets talk about them together. most of the people i see shipping them--and i fully admit, this is how i started shipping them--simply just say “same energy,” make a few cute headcanons about how they’d use each other for clout, and call it a day. this is perfectly fine. however, here at Overthinking It Inc., we take it a few steps deeper. personally, i have a hard time getting invested in a ship unless i can see how the characters compliment each other, how they help each other grow, and how they could genuinely enjoy each other’s company enough to pursue a romantic relationship. it took a little bit of obsessive extrapolating, but ive finally figured out just *how well* momiji and kimi compliment each other.

momiji, at the end of furuba, is going through a metamorphosis. he’s been forced out of his childish persona and into the life of an adult rather quickly, and he takes the opportunity to try to become more true to himself. we can see, in the last few chapters, the beginnings of bounds of growth; however, i imagine that there is a significant “awkward” period in his growth. judging from what i know about his character, i believe he would, in his effort to be more honest and confident, overcompensate a bit; he would become overbearing, intense, perhaps even oversharing. he might have a tendency to try to figure out what’s “wrong” with his friends and family, might always be trying to “fix” everything. i could easily see him, in fact, develop a bit of a selfish attitude (albeit rooted in kindness--it is, after all, still momiji); in his journey to stop letting people walk all over them, i believe he might become prone to walking over people himself. he’d have no idea where the lines are, where someone’s limits are, because he never had the chance to test them out in his youth, and because the people in power in his life (his parents and akito) never respected anyone else’s limits. enter kimi: tough, walled off, and incredibly secretive, though she tries to hide it. momiji, with his social perceptiveness, would notice at some point how difficult it is for her to form genuine, emotional connections with others, and would feel the urge to help her, to draw her out of her shell, not realizing that she doesnt necessarily want to be understood, nor that she’s (now entering headcanon territory, be warned) *scared* of those kinds of relationships. she’d take it, for a while, but there would come a time when she’d snap. this would do wonders for helping momiji figure out where the boundaries are, and how to be more aware of other people’s wants and needs (and it is something that tohru, reserved little wallflower that she is, would never be able to do for him).

kimi, on the other hand, has not quite started developing her character at the end of the manga. i like to apply all sorts of believable anxieties onto her: maybe she regrets not having an easy connection with other girls, like she does with boys. maybe she refuses to believe in the familial structure (that momiji idolizes). maybe she’s so used to playing the part of the homewrecker that, when she finally realizes that she’s found something or someone she truly loves, she doesn’t know how to handle it, and always worries that somebody’s going to take it away for her. maybe she views connections with others, or vulnerability, as a weakness, something that could be used against her, and tries to do everything she can to wall people off and hide her true feelings. well, good news for her, momiji is the resident king of loving family structures. family is something he truly loves and understands, from how much he’s admired it from afar, and been grateful for the family he’s made for himself in hatori, tohru, and the other zodiac. he’s well primed to help her understand what a true family is like, that real love is a good thing, not a scary thing, and that it’s okay to be vulnerable sometimes. this big, sweethearted doofus who somehow managed to see how much she was struggling under the many layers of masks that she hides beneath? there’s no way kimi wouldnt fall for him. and she, this girl who challenges everything he believes in, teaches him valuable lessons about how far is too far, and is basically the most fun person he’s ever met? there’s no way momiji wouldn’t fall for her.

i believe the two of them would start things off as almost a play; theyd portray a satire of the ideal male and female celebrity couple rather easily; theyd lean into the standard boy and girl roles almost ridiculously so, drawing attention to the absurdity of the standard relationship and somehow flirting through it. kimi, as we know, likes to pretend to be this helpless, flirtatious, “i couldnt possibly do anything on my own, oh whatever shall i do O3O” caricature of the feminine “ideal” to draw men in; momiji, i feel, would respond to that with a dorky, happy-go-lucky, “i can help you with that, miss ; )” caricature of the masculine, “ideal” gentleman, just for fun. theyd put on a show, for each other, for their peers, and for themselves, but they would eventually run into some troubles (detailed above). things would be tense, but theyd keep up their personas--why would they *ever* admit to their flaws to the outside world, theyre perfect? their friends would notice, of course, but wouldnt be able to do much about it; in the end, the only people perceptive enough to read through the bullshit of one is the other. theyd come to an understanding--spoken or unspoken (with the subtleties of their relationship, its not unreasonable that they could change their entire perspective of their relationship with just actions, not direct words or conversation)--and shift back into their previous, flirtatious relationship, except its different this time. because now, they understand each other, they love each other, theyre practically reading the other’s mind, and theyre perfectly in tune. rather than putting on masks to hide from each other, they wear one together to hide from the world--but, they think, that’s probably enough.

#meta #it me #long post #and i do mean loooooong #kimi toudou #momiji sohma #momimi #please dont criticize me too harshly im not trained in writing and i do this for fun #<3 #fruits basket #fruits basket spoilers

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dearatz-archive · 5 years

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please write about how ateez would be as drunks and you having to take care of them!!!

SEONGHWA

not really one to need looking after; what i like to call a “high functioning drunk”

lightweight but aware of it; takes his time when he drinks

a very go with the flow type until messes start being made

likes to sit on the sidelines and watch the others have a good time; he gets enjoyment out of watching them enjoy themselves

laughs at the antics and jokes 99 line makes and only steps in to scold when it seems like hongjoong is going to burst a blood vessel

always the one to suggest a drinking night and is always the one that gets stressed about the mess made during

scolds mingi and san for constantly spilling their drinks

will ask you for help reigning the others in when its time to wind down

begs you to help him clean up after the others have called it a night

becomes very flirty when you’re alone and will probably teasingly brush his fingers along your arms or backside as he passes by

gives you soft kisses on the cheek and forehead and thanks you for having the patience he doesn’t

softly sings to you while you both clean

wants to cuddle you on the couch when you’re both finished

fucks you on it and tells you to be completely silent so you don’t wake the others

HONGJOONG

mercurial drunk

will switch from smiley and happy to irritable and angry in half a second

wants to fight everyone

knew this was a bad idea from the start but likes the excuse to drink and let loose for a bit

gets annoyed at the chaos and causes more chaos trying to quiet said chaos

likes to use the advantage of his age and make the younger ones get him more drinks

THE biggest lightweight; drinks way too fast and gets drunk before everyone else not even 45 minutes in

you spend a lot of the night laughing at him along with everyone else when he gets mad and then reigning him back in when the teasing gets too under his skin

tends to forget to eat to line his stomach when he drinks; please remind him

loudly whines to you about how no one respects his authority

wants you to tell him he holds all the power

and pointedly give jongho a look when he whispers that he doesn’t

curses 50x more with alcohol in his system

curses when he loses the drunk games you all play

even though he loses every time

wants to fight everyone x2

passes out before the night is even over and has to be dragged to bed with help from the other members (usually seonghwa)

YUNHO

holds his liquor moderately well but doesn’t drink as much as the others, since he doesn’t necessarily HAVE to be drunk to enjoy drinking with them

LOUD; alcohol makes him forget volume control and he often starts yelling his words without meaning to until someone shushes him

giggly; everything becomes 50x funnier to yunho when he drinks and half the time no one else really thinks it’s funny but laugh at him because he won’t stop laughing

sentimental drunk and will tell everyone how happy he is that they’re all together and hanging out like this and how much he appreciates every single person there

gets bold with alcohol in his system and will make suggestive faces and eye contact at you across the room until he realizes yeosang has been watching the whole time

then he gets embarrassed and is quiet for at least 10 minutes

surprisingly agile; rarely spills or drops anything and is often catching other people’s food/cups if they topple off the table

always wants to play games when he’s drunk and thinks it will be even more fun while everyone else is drunk

he’s right.

until he loses. then it’s no longer fun for anyone because he becomes a sore loser and that’s intensified by alcohol

you’ll have to take him aside and distract him to cheer him up or he’s gonna sulk the rest of the night

usually ends with the others continuing to play without you while you two cuddle and smooch in the corner and are so sickeningly cute the other members gag

YEOSANG

what i like to call the “what if oxygen is poisonous and that’s what’s actually slowly killing us” or philosophical drunk

always asks the weirdest ass deep questions that no one is sober enough to think about

quietly sips his drink and watches the chaos until there’s a lull in the noise and then asks another weirdly deep question that doesn’t make sense until you overthink it

often gets made fun of and then told to shut up, but it never ruins his mood; he thinks its hilarious

another lightweight, but also takes his drinks in moderation

always tries to stuff himself with sweets until you tell him its going to make him sick; still tries to eat them anyway, so you’ll have to confiscate them.

makes cheesy puns and jokes and then laughs at them himself

promptly gets made fun of again for laughing at his own jokes, but he continues to laugh, aided by yunho.

they both get told to shut up.

but every now and then one of them is funny

and then everyone is laughing until seonghwa or hongjoong finally shushes them

is the one that usually beats yunho in the video games and causes him to sulk.

is very pleased with himself and wants you to be too

sneaks into the kitchen after seonghwa cleans to swipe snacks for both of you; you stay up for another hour eating them and talking about the universe

SAN

dear GOD he gets even louder, if that’s possible

will yell stupid things over all the noise just to hear the sound of his voice until wooyoung joins in

they both get hit by hongjoong

the cause of 75% of the laughter in the room

makes the weirdest jokes and impressions whether they fit into the conversation or not, and everyone dies laughing

another giggly and playful drunk

often gets too excited and knocks over drinks; sometimes they’re his but usually it’s someone else’s

touchy drunk. his hands are all over you, his arms are wrapped around you, his cherry vodka flavored lips are all over your face and he’s loudly telling you how much he loves you and you giggle and laugh for him

playfully teases you under the table but isnt at all as subtle as he thinks he is and everyone sees it

the others say you’re both gross and that the two of you need to get a room

san tries to make jokes about you going to his and yunho’s room to finish but is vehemently shut down by seonghwa

randomly becomes emotional in the middle of the night and starts telling everyone how much he loves them while on the verge of tears

which is usually when its unanimously decided that he’s had enough to drink for the night

he sulks for a bit and then is back to his usual antics not five minutes later

the night absolutely ends with the two of you messing around in the darkness of his room, both of you covering each other’s mouths so you don’t wake yunho

but yunho is always awake and aware of what’s going on

MINGI

real fuckin goofy ass drunk

nothing that comes out of his mouth makes sense and everyone laughs at him always

randomly starts rap battles with hongjoong and ends up losing because he starts laughing halfway through and cant finish

another accident-prone drunk; usually spills his drink while it’s in his hand because he’s laughing too hard or gets too excited

the worst potty mouth when he’s drunk; drops something? “fuck.” he doesn’t understand something that’s going on? “what the fuck???” he realizes he’s had way to much to drink? “shit i think i’ma fuckin’ throw up shitshitshitshit”

he usually doesn’t.

but sometimes he does.

not a lightweight but sometimes overestimates how much liquor he can hold and ends up drinking way too much

you’ll have to stick close to him to make sure he doesn’t break anything

skittish; will see things move in the corner of his eye and will assume it’s a bug or some other sort of unsavory creature and scream and jump out of his seat

its funny the first few times and then he starts getting very annoyed looks from the elder members + jongho

you figure its time to take him away before his ass gets beat

you lay on his bed in the dark and listen to him rap to you until he’s finally tired enough to fall asleep.

you think he’s cute.

WOOYOUNG

holds his liquor well and takes full advantage of it

probably has the most drinks of all of them next to mingi

extremely playful drunk

starts playing around with san and usually ends up yelling along with him until hongjoong or seonghwa steps in

sings into empty bottles as if they’re microphones and serenades everyone until san starts up a duet from across the table until everyone is dying with laughter

always the one to get misty-eyed when yunho and san get sentimental though he swears up and down he’s not crying

gets up and dances to whatever music happens to be playing in the background

rarely in his seat ever, really

keeps getting new cups and drinks because he sits his down and doesn’t remember where he put it because he’s never still

makes cute faces at you from across the room to make you laugh

the others thinks he’s disgusting

starts sexy dancing for you out of nowhere while maintaining eye contact across the room

the members thinks he’s even more disgusting; jongho throws whatever is in his reach at him

seonghwa makes him gather up all of his misplaced cups at the end of the night and you both sit on the kitchen floor and drink the contents of all of them

you both end up making out on the floor

seonghwa pretends not to notice but doesn’t dare step foot back into the kitchen

JONGHO

lightweight that doesn’t believe he’s a lightweight

always confident and believes he’s holding his liquor well and continues to drink until it all hits him at once

and then he’s fucked

but he’s fun

like yunho, everything becomes so much funnier to him when he’s drunk

but when he laughs he’s usually hitting/pushing the person next to him

strength control is non-existent when jongho is drunk, so whoever it is often gets sent flying

sings into his cups while he drinks

loves to push all the older member’s buttons while they’re drunk

“whispers” things about the members to you that everyone in the room hears

he thinks its funny and truly believes they won’t remember it when they wake up

which isn’t completely untrue, but yeosang and seonghwa always remember

you cut him off on drinks there before he starts getting too bold; you can only save him from so much

challenges everyone to arm wrestling matches that no one but you and san take him up on

he lets you win

he mercilessly destroys san

the second one that’s always beating everyone at games

disappears to the kitchen part way through the night and it isn’t discovered until the night is over that he’s split all the fruits in the kitchen

seonghwa is not happy

he makes him replace them in the morning

#i tried to work in the you taking care of them part for all of them but....#i dont really see them all as NEEDING to be taken care of if that makes sense?#for: ateez #ateez reactions #ateez scenarios #Anonymous

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lil-pink-goblin-gal · 4 years

Text

My messy week recap and me panicking also there’s a max word limit and i hit it :)

So i like my friends, but i have this one friend that can get really loud and she sits right beside me at lunch? and when im tired/sensory sensitive it can be really, lets just say panic inducing? I feel really bad since its a big group and people see me going to cover my ears sometimes or flinching and i don’t want them to think im faking it? or being rude? I got here this year, im new and my god am I so worried about having everyone hate me and being alone again. But everyone is so nice and i don’t, I can’t with emotions? i have empathy problems already so im not very good to talk to about things of that nature so I try not to stress anyone else out over my problems but everything boils over? which is why im writing all my rant here, i really wish i didn’t have to have a separate blog for my shit that sucks, I like my friends but thats too personal and i feel like continuing to rant on my main would seem like im begging for attention, I run the risk of this now, before i had like 3 friends not even now i have way more and its, a whole deal. I play dnd and we’re splitting into two different campaigns and the DMs both wanted me in their campaign! tho this might’ve been one of them saying that since neither of them wanted me? god im, overthinking everything im so stressed? sorry if you see this and you know me irl btw. I have so many things to do, i like social studies! its the only class i answer questions in and my teacher is really nice, I did a rough draft of my character? A pirate bard. My blanket is really soft even if the tag is somehow always in my face and my dry hands catch on the fluffy part, my dogs and i had a nap after school, I finally brushed my hair after having it in a bun for weeks, might go to bed early ish and be generally happy tomorrow morning, the only part of me hurting is my forearms when i streach them and my foot when i flex it! I get to wear mostly yellow tomorrow for a dance prefomance. A guy in my drama class keeps making eye contact with me, does he think i look bad? is he judging me whst am i doing wrong? should i stop smiling so much ik i look weird when i smile sometimes maybe my laugh is ugly or maybe i need to stop stimming? is it because im new? but theres another new girl and i don’t think he stares at her? I keep on trying to get people to tell me wtf is up but? people say im like, attractive and like sure but he’s friends with two of the prettiest girls at the school i don’t think he’s staring at me cause im like mildly cute? No somethings up, I act more like myself in drama since im normally free to fidget/stim (i forgoing which one is for adhd?) and my favourite is rocking, maybe i should try to stop? i’ll test it out next class maybe. Also in drama my friend put a blanket over me and i think it was an invitation to sit next to her and like, be near her but than she kept on slowly moving back? and i tested and moved back a bit she moved more im?? so confused what did i do, im not sure. I feel like i might have more thsn just ADHD? sometimes i feel like i don’t have ADHD and im just lazy and anoying and stupid but, i do things and i don’t think it’s normal for people with only adhd. The guy i keep making eye contact with is very tall and very funny he kept on making dad jokes and my friend kept on making puns and i was almost crying. I really want to have a crush, there are two really nice guys in my dnd group?? who willingly touch me without expecting me to initiate first which im always anxious about doing, but they’re both really nice and god i haven’t been like, properly held since i was like 10 (or like a month ago but i was half asleep and sobbing doesn’t count) and they’re always warm and its very nice. I wish i had classes with them but only dnd. I hate my body and we have to dance but the dnd room is starting to be realky full and i don’t know some people i might fake an injury or drag everyone somewhere else to practice since i cant with the noise and the eyes its too much. But i really wanna spend the time i have with my friends not practicing a thing. theres max word??

#adhd #actuallyadhd #rant #ik i like reading about random peoples shit so here #if you like hard to follow rants im your gal #rants!

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dfwemelie · 5 years

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August🔥

August 5th. I finally got my phone back from the cruise and omfg I wanna go back so bad. It was so incredibly fun and I met alot of amazing people. I met Gage, Taylor, Emma, Destiny, Dezi, Josh, Jacob, DJ, Andre, Adam, Daniel, Ty, Preston, Eddy, Aiden, and so many more people. It was such an experience and definitely the best birthday I've ever had. None of them are gonna read this but thank you to everyone who made my first cruise and my 16th birthday so awesome. I love and will miss everyone.

I got to watch Gavin today cause Sebastian has a eye doctors appointment which is not fun for me. I also have to get my school schedule today cause I wasnt able to on the 1st cause I was in Cozumel. I'm really hoping I get classes with my friends. I'll be upset if I didn't but itll be okay. If I dont I'll just be known as the quiet girl again.

August 6, I have to force myself to stop liking swedish boy but ngl it's so fucking hard. Hes perfect for me. God fucking damn it why does he gotta live so far. Why do I have to get so attached to people so quickly. I just get left in agonizing pain again and again. it's just a constant state of heartbreak. I hate this. I hate myself. He told me hes forcing himself to stop liking me cause he knows there is no way of us meeting. That really broke me. I keep saying it's fine but it's not. Why do I do this to myself. Why cant I just stay away from all of it like I wanted to in the first place. None of it matters anymore. I guess the only thing I can try to do is move on. I was talking to Parker about it and he said if he really did like me then he would try all he could to make it work. Ugh I just wish he could make it work. Hes not my cute swedish boi anymore, just a guy I met on tiktok. It hurts saying that but that's all itll ever be now. My tiny little sliver of hope that I had was incinerated by the flames of tragedy. I gotta move on. I dont wanna move on. I have to though. It hurts. Its weird not seeing his name as Swedish boi now when he texts me. He asked me to change it.

August 9th, I went driving today and i did kinda good. I went on Birnhamwoods and i was scared but i did good. My mom doesnt know how to give directions. Other than that I've just been in bed all day again. I've been watching Jane The Virgin season 5 with Misty and so many things are happening it's great. Theres 5 days till school and I want to go back but I really dont want to. First I'm gonna have to see Gage and that's gonna be hella awkward. We havent talked since he blocked me like a month or 2 ago. I also have to give Scott his stuff back and that's really gonna hurt. I don't tell anyone but I still wear his jacket sometimes. I know it's bad and I need to stop but I cant help it. I cant help the fact I still miss him. But now I gotta give it back to him. By me doing that it means its really over. I guess that's how its gonna be now. Just over. I gotta ignore the fact that I loved him and he was my first. But now it's gone and I have to accept that. I'm just gonna stop trying ya know. Im tired of getting my heart broken. I just need to be alone from everyone for awhile.

August 10th, Yesterday I was playing with the boys and needed to switch the party from my phone to the xbox. My headset was dead so I asked sebastian for his charger cause I lost mine. He said no but I took it anyways. He knew I was gonna take it so he rat me out to my parents and told me to give it back. I asked if I could borrow it again and he said no. I was angry so I grabbed his headset and threw it on the ground, breaking it. My dad heard and ran up the stairs and started yelling at me. He told me to clean my room so I locked myself in the bathroom. They took my phone, xbox cable, and TV cable. My mom tried talking to me but I didn't say anything, only that I wanted my phone back. While everyone was distracted I grabbed pillows, blankets, markers, and my fan and slept in the bathroom as a protest. At around 1am my mom gave me back my phone and said she deleted everything. I was pissed. But I'm fine now.

I went driving today again. We went through benders and looked at the rich people houses. Must be nice not being broke. I also drove to Kroger which I was nervous about since there were so many cars but I did good. I even parked, not perfectly but in the spot. My dad felt bad about yesterday and got me Starbucks. School is starting up soon and I'm excited to see kaylie but that's it. Not looking forward to giving Scott his jacket back. I'm just gonna walk up to him, say nothing, and hand it to him. I'm gonna stop talking about it before I start crying again lol

August 14th,First day of school and I've already cried twice. Scott kept talking about how he broke up with me and how he feels bad about how he did it and regrets it. Then he asked me about Gavin was and I said he really fucking misses him, cause he does. Then the bell rang and I cried walking out. Other than that it was an okay day. Coach Clair remembered me and I was really happy about that. Also my son Jadon is in that class and that made me happy.

August 15th, I'm in chemistry rn and I fucking hate it. I don't think there are any juniors in here and it sucks. I feel like shjt that I failed this class. It wasn't my fault though. I really hate this. It makes me really nervous and anxious and emotional. I'm not gonna cry but I wish I could. Everyone knows eachother and I don't know anyone. I wish I was in Physics instead but i guess that's harder than Chemistry. Now I'm in level chemistry so its gonna be easier cause I struggled with how fast they were teaching.

Looks like I gotta reset my days clean tonight.

I met this guy named Allon yesterday. I see him everyday since he's in my culinary and he's also in my history and my English. He seems cool and is friends with Eugene. Culinary was fun today, we did a speed dating thing and it was awkward at first but once we got to talking to everyone it was easy.

August 16th, its Friday. School is done for the week. I was upset today cause they changed my history teacher and I loved him. Now they put me with this monotone teacher Mr.Horton. it's weird cause there is only like 10 kids in that class. I am now also in Livestock production and there are 12 student in there including me now. I don't know why some of the classes are so small, there are over 2,000 students at gohs now. In culinary we had to split up in groups and I went with Eugene, Allon, Adam, and Tamara. They are a really fun group. I almost feel bad for leaving Michael to be in a group with a bunch of people he doesnt know but he would've had to choose to sit with them or Eugene so I sat with them so he didnt have to. I had alot of fun. I already know culinary is gonna be my favorite class this year. Mrs.Langley says we aren't allowed to choose our groups this year but I hope she changes her mind. Allon seems really nice. I got his snapchat and we've been talking alot. He has the cutest fucking poodle ever. I see him everyday, not just cause of culinary but hes in my blue day English.

August 18th, its 12:06pm and I just realized I haven't done my review for the last 2 days. I haven't done much. I've mainly been texting Allon and watching Netflix.

August 19th, I try to sleep away my depression. It doesn't work

August 20th, by far one of the worst things about grand oaks this year is the bus situation. There are way too many kids on each bus and they have to get more busses cause it's so over crowded.

Last night was okay, I played Apex with Eugene then after we just talked for an hour. He was the main person talking he kept saying he felt bad for talking so much but I told him I'm a good listener so it was okay. We talked about some deep stuff and we actually have alot in common. We both overthink situations and create random scenarios in our head that would never happen but like what if they did. I almost feel kinda bad about talking to Eugene so much cause Michael hates him and I consider them both of my friends. I've just known Michael for so long but I have alot in common Eugene. More than I thought. I've kinda been leaning away from Michael and from my friends in general. I feel horrible for doing it but I don't want to completely cut them out of my life cause they've been in my life for so long. I guess I've kinda just grew out of some friendships, mainly Michael and I's. Idk maybe I'm just talking too much and should just keep everything how it is.

August 22nd, okay so update. Derek hit me up and I'm like ew but whatever. Allon is making me watch pokemon and ngl kinda love it. My hair is curly. We stan. I feel sick but that's cause I ate a sandwich and kept moving around. Also my back hurts. I wanna die. I'm at the bus stop. Its humid. Ew. Gross. I hate myself. That's it. Goodnight.

August 23, I was kinda quiet in culinary today and everyone was very concerned apparently. I spoke maybe 10 words. I dont know the exact reason but it was mainly thinking about Scott and the fact I kinda feel left out alot of the time. I don't even know why I'm still thinking about him, maybe I should take the time over the weekend to try to stop thinking about him. I feel left out alot in culinary, and in life in general. Culinary cause I sit with all guys and they talk about things I dont really know. I dont feel like talking about it anymore. Goodnight

August 28th, not much has happened since I last updated. I played minecraft with Allon last night and it was pretty fun. He died twice and it was super funny. Before he left we talked about just life. How we've both given up on relationships in general cause we've been fucked over so many times. Which I think is weird cause I keep getting mixed signals from him that he likes me but he also thinks of me as a friend. It's weird. But yea he also asked me if I was gonna go to homecoming this year and I told him I would if someone asked me but other than that I probably wouldnt. Yeah and then he left and I cried myself to sleep cause i talk to my ceiling about how lonely i feel at night. Yeah that's it.

I have such bad luck with guys holy shit I hate myself

August 29th, I played more Minecraft with Allon yesterday. We played for 3 hours lol. It was really fun. We both kept dying in the nether and we also kept killing eachother. I still get confused on whether he likes me or not. So many mixed signals it's crazy. I forgot my chemistry notebook at home and I'm very upset about that but oh well. I get to see Julian today so that's gonna be interesting. I keep seeing Scott everywhere I go and it just makes me so incredibly sad. I wish it didnt but it does. I'm sitting next to Johan and it's very obvious he likes me. I feel bad for not liking him back but I cant help for the fact that I will only see him as a friend. I think the whole Scott thing is playing a part in it too. I dont wanna date Johan cause it means I'll be around him more often. I really miss him but I dont. I want him in my life but I dont. Ya know? I'm confusing myself. Carlos and his friend walked to my house yesterday to get his phone and wallet back. It was funny cause there was alot of lightning and thu der and Carlos got hella scared. My mom pulled up and we drove them home.

August 31st, ah the end. I've played minecraft with Allon all day except for when I went to Akashi. Lifes been okay. I still think about him alot but I'm getting better. At least I feel like I am. Hopefully. I know it takes time but fuck I'm impatient. I miss Kaylie. I like culinary. I've officially established a group. It's me, Allon, Eugene, Adam, and the occasional Ty and Tamara. It's great. I'm happy I've made friends. Also I have a new friend in fashion. I'm trying to plan ahead on outfits for the show and I already have my whole 5 outfits but I need my fashion sketchbook to come in quick cause I'm dying from not drawing these. Adam has concluded I'm addicted to vitamin water. This month was ight. Hopefully I get better next month.

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aw-life-no · 5 years

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Long personal rant ahead im working through some shit yall. Trigger warnings ahead of #suicidal ideation #depression #self harm #self hate

And for all my IRL friends who will probably see this, this ramble thoughts is why i dont reach out.

————-

So can anyone tell me....How the fuck do you tell your friends youve been in a suicidal-idealation place for a few weeks but like....without worrying them because you feel like youve feel like youve been exhausting them with your problems a lot recently but theyre youre support system so like you know they care but you just dont want to overwhelm them anymore then they already are??? But like i also havent actually told anybody really about how i want to die like every day all the time and i cant stop thinking about all the ways i could just dissapear?? And ive been like this since i was like 14 but ok whatever.....but im also like terrified of my imagination?? Like does anyone else think of stabbing into the forearm and ripping up it with a knife every other thought?? Or just overdosing??? Like its not normal and i dont want to scare people with the actual thoughts i have....but i shouldnt keep them all inside??

But like im also finally kinda getting some of my life together i guess?? I have a great girlfriend, a good support system mostly......make decent money now, anxiety is lower now.....And like.....i dont want to die??? im only 26 but ive been in this spiral since i tried to kill myself at 14 and 20 and like is this just going to happen every six years like what the fuck. Im on the anti depressants. I take care of myself as best i can in this state...I get sleep most of the time. Im working on therapy. I need to talk to my doctor about different meds maybe like UGH.

I thought i stopped self harming years ago and SURE i dont cut anymore but i dont like...eat anymore?? And im fat so how the fuck is that working for me haha....and i “accidently” trigger myself sometimes which is WHY you dont see me on alot of social media much anymore cause im fucked up and go into a deep spiral on purpos cause i want to feel somethinf??? And i take showers WAY too hot so my skin turns red...And ive lost SO MUCH interest in what i used to LOVE doing like art and writing and costumes. And i still scratch at my skin till its raw and overthink everything. And keep it all bottled up all the time.

And i wish there was a place i could just talk about all of this without being like put on a suicide watch or whatever. I DONT WANT TO ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS BUT I CANT GET RID OF THEM. Thats my problem. I cant just “be happy” or “think positive”. Its bullshit and has never worked for me. And yes i did try yoga and meditation.

But now im just TIRED ALL THE TIME. I just want to sleep my life away. I dont want to exist in this hell of a life being thrown at me but god damn IM TRYING to make it worth it. And i hate myself that im like this but this mental illness is NOT going to define me.

And i WISH people would think to like i dunno, check up on me once in a while?? WITHOUT me prompting it like in posts like this??? Like im always initating and you know what??? Reaching out is fucking HARD AS SHIT and i need a fucking limb or something. Im BAD at asking for help. I know this about myself and i dont know how to fix it. And now i know people will ask “oh are you ok” or “i saw your tumblr post wanna talk” like NO i DONT. I used to want to talk but now yall are gunna remember me for like 5 seconds and forget once i “seem ok”. (And also i just ranted out all my feelings so what more would i say to you anyway). And I KNOW thats selfish of me becuase everyone has their own lives and illness and trauma too....but i keep telling my support that I WILL DISTANCE MYSELF AND NOT PARTICIPATE OR INTERACT BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO BOTHER YOU OR FEEL LIKE IM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOUR HELP. And it seems like whenever i need help or feel like i need or should reach out, everyone is already burnt out or unavailable. So here i am on tumblr.

Anyway. Im 26. Clinically depressed and anxious. And ive been suicidal since i was 14. Ive attempted twice, not that youd be able to tell by looking at me. My shit is not together but goddess i am trying.

#moy talks #personal #do not reblog #tw suicude #depression #depressed #selfharm #self hate #rant

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sincerely-amyd · 7 years

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july 2017 updates

a boring title just for organizational purposes...

currently listening to fa ru xue by jay chou. its like almost 2am aka my fav time ??? i always get these random nostalgic weird moments where im like woah what am i doing with my life and who am i??? k gonna type properly now lol

So I kind of just need to journal it all out to figure stuff out. It makes me feel like I’m being myself. That doesn’t really make sense but when I’m listening to my favorite songs and just typing whatever comes to mind, I feel so at peace. It makes me remember how much I miss thinking. I literally love just thinking. When I visualize it, I see a tree being watered and the water going to each of the roots and the tips of the roots... in the same way I have to think through all my thoughts to water them all. Then I feel replenished. Some times I know I have all these thoughts but I don’t have time to think through them. I rush through life too much. I miss being me. Happy, simple Amy.

I feel so bitter about my past 4 years. Everyone had so much fun in university and I feel like I’ve been robbed of the experience of could of have. I f*cking hate U of T with a passion. I feel like a teen mom. With countless expectations. I’m tired of living for my parents. I just want to do what makes me happy. I want to be selfish. I’m tired of being bad cop. I’m tired of being the one who cares the most. I wish I was carefree, easy going. I want to be happy. I feel like I’m not happy. I have this huge desire to travel and see more of the world. I feel so insignificant and tiny.

I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. When I listen to mando pop it does make me wish that Jeff was mando and that he could understand how much I love Taiwanese music. I feel like we don’t connect over the same songs. The songs that make me feel so much he can’t understand. I guess its the same vice versa. I kinda want to watch another Taiwanese drama.

Updates on my life: Jeff and I have a good relationship. Things are stable, I’m happy. He treats me well. I know he cares. I trust him. I hope we get married. I still overthink but I can sleep at night and I don’t get anxiety anymore. I know he would never say anything to hurt me and that he means what he says. I do appreciate that he’s being honest but I need to be more trusting of him verbally. One thing is that I wish he would cook for me and be more like... wifey???? I don’t want to be the only one taking care of the house. Also, I really want to travel and I’m scared he doesn’t want to go.

I want to have a love that is passionate. I want to make out randomly and be so in love.... I know its supposed to be a “high” or the honey moon phase or all emotions but I think I could literally be like that forever. It’s built into me. I’m so...intense with my feelings. I feel like I have all this love and I just want to love hard. It should hurt hard too when I’m sad, but that’s how I know I love hard. I like feeling emotions some times because it makes me feel alive. When I feel sad, I feel real. I feel likes its life. I’m scared what if I’m tricking myself that I want to be married? I want to ask Jeff to watch my fav dramas with me. I want to be able to share this side of me. I want to side in a field of grass on a sunny day and just be held. I want to just enjoy being with him and who he is.

I want to learn how to cook and bake. How to write mando and speak canto. I want to be fit and look good naked and run 5k under 30. I want to be confident. I want to discover who I am and be that. I’m tired of living for people. I need to grow on my own.

Jeff has taught me a lot over this past year and I’ve learnt how to be more mentally stable. He’s shown his love to me in so many ways that I never expected before. He never lets pride get into the way when we fight. He makes me feel pretty and loved. I do wish he was more “in the moment” but maybe its also good his not? I just want to have random makeout seshs..... and be pushed against a wall lol. But he always does stuff in a joking way that its not cute but its funny. Funny isnt bad but still I want to be romanced???

Also I dont know if I want to consider david a good friend anymore. Looking at bad at our relationship, hes been very selfish. Hes never been there for me when I truly needed him, he turned his back on me and I feel like he still is. He only cares about himself and his own needs. I don’t want to invest anymore time in him. I do think Neil will be a good friend. I think hes over me. I think we can be friends. I mean not too close but I’m willing to help him and I know he would be there for me. I legit see him as family now its weird. I dont hate him, some times I get a little cringe from before but I think its okay.

I want to be more confident. I want to be me and discover what that means. I’m tired of being SHY. I want to be HAPPY. I need to make hobbies and do stuff more. Some times I wonder how Eric is doing. It’s such a shame we aren’t even friends, I don’t get why he had to block me everywhere. I think I would like to catch up....some day when hes more mature. I don’t want to just do it now its like “I have a doctor bf” or show off. I genuinely want to see where he is. I fully don’t feel bitter, its been so long I cant remember the happy or sad anymore.... I do recall feeling so happy when he texted me in the very begining, I can remember him yelling at me a lot, the lies, the jealously, the hurt. Then reading tumblr reminds me of how much it was an up and down rollercoaster. The 3 hour long fights over skype where I bawled my eyes out until 4 am.... waking up at 7 the next day for school with swollen eyes and seeing him do the same. I remember we kept skype on all night. We were pretty in love. But it was ... too young ?? I mean we got along in a spiritual slash soul like way. But living life with him would be hard. We were too emotional and similar. He was manipulative. He stopped caring first. When I looked at him sometimes when he was crying....I felt ....disgusted. He always cried. It was unattractive. He got angry so fast it was scary. Idk it wasnt as cute as I reembmer. Oh well. I learned lots, I don’t regret it. I hope he figures out his life and finds a girl who will complement his personality. I genuinely wish the best for him.

Ugh I can’t imagine being not with Jeffrey. Like thinking about not being married = breaking up which is like .......losing my best friend and best everything. He is so funny and I’ve never met anyone who has the same humour as me....pervy humour??? I don’t liek to admit it. I like how I dont have to be fake nice and pretend like I don’t like seeing fat people fall. I love how honest I can be with him, it feels so good to be me. I love how cute he is lol. Then how hot he can be too. He eats like a little fatty. He literally is the cutest thing in my life. I wish he looked older though cause people think I’m a pedo dating a high schooler -_- I can’t wait to be able to see him everyday, to share our lives together and build a family together.

I am not depressed anymore. I am happy. I go to the gym 4-5x a week. I eat ok. I love Jeffrey. I need to figure out my spiritual life but that can be an update for another time. Pce.

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altheawaldorf-blog · 6 years

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My first ever post.

Alright, so this is my first ever post. I’m going to try to not make a big deal out of it which is pretty much impossible for me since I make a big deal out of everything and anything. Or is it anything and everything? That sounds better...

Anyway, not sure exactly how this all works. Not sure if I’ll have any followers. Not sure if I should care.

I needed something. Something for all of the thoughts in my head. Something else to contain them before my brain bursts. I’m tired of being so anxious all of the time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not how you would picture an anxious person. At least I don't think so.

I’m not always wringing my hands. I don’t stutter... usually. Unless I’m in a high-pressure conversation with someone I’m trying to impress. Great timing right? Need to impress the boss? Cue the water works, tight throat and stuttering like an idiot... But otherwise I’m relatively chill.

I use words like dude, sweet and fucker on a regular basis. I shorten words around people I’m comfortable with, completely aware how douchey I sound saying “ hey you want some chick nugs?” but not caring because I honestly like the way it sounds.

As far as my general persona goes, I’d say I’m incredibly empathetic (to those truly in pain, I have to patience for overly dramatic, self obsessed drama queens), I’m a hippie wanna-be at heart, wishing that everyone could just get along- especially humans with animals. I have no shame in saying the pain of an animal typically affects me on a deeper level than that of a human. I also dispel tough love when necessary. I’m as sarcastic as they come. I curse like a sailor and rarely admit that I’m wrong (because I’m usually not).

And coating all of this; like the stickiness of caramel on an apple that you just cant ignore... is my anxiety and my depression. I overthink. I don’t see the world clearly. My disorders manipulate the way I see the world. They make life harder. They affect every part of me. My relationships, my thoughts, my body, my perception. My life. My being. My everything.

I spend hours obsessing over the fact that someone is stopping by my house quickly to pick something up. Making sure every inch is clean and there is food available just in case they want to come in, even though they probably won’t. Dreading the idea of coming up with small talk, figuring out how to say goodbye without coming off as rude. I don’t want them to think I’m a dirty person, or that I don’t have my shit together. I don’t want them to think I'm inconsiderate. I want to make sure I look okay, not too tired or sloppy. Is my hair greasy? Does this shirt make me look fat? God I'm so bloated all you see is stomach. They won’t be able to look anywhere but my stomach. Except maybe my hair because its such a mess or the floor because I haven't swept. And on... and on... and on....

And these are people I like! Love even! People I enjoy! But the disorders put these thoughts into my head. These thoughts that people are judging me. Waiting for me to fail. That failure is inevitable. That I’m not as good as everyone else. They have their shit together. They do it. They have good jobs, they stay hydrated and go to the gym regularly and have hot bodies and know about sports and culture and they travel and theyre involved in politics and they can cook. And the women all wear heels and do their makeup flawlessly and their hair looks perfect and their bodies are perfect and their outfits are perfect.

And here I am, barely wanting to brush and straighten my hair (frizz everywhere) and put on concealer to cover the circles under my eyes. Unable to walk in heels, wearing one of the 7 outfits in my regular rotation.

But I think. And I overthink. And I can’t breathe. And I can’t live. Because in order to live you must experience the current moment and I cannot. I’m frozen, and I'm tired. Too tired to put in more effort. Too tired from thinking how I’m not good enough. Too tired to get out of my head.

I am too stuck in my head to be here in reality so it passes me by and then it’s gone.

Did I enjoy that? I don’t know. But it’s over now. What’s the next thing I need to worry about? Relax? No, not now. I have to move quickly onto the next thing. Why? Because if I don’t obsess now, I’ll run out of time and if I run out of time I lost my chance to do all of the tens of millions of things on my to do list at any given moment. And once that time is gone its gone forever and I cant get it back so I cant do that thing so I obsess and I panic because its all so permanent.

And I obsess and I panic and I get stuck and I dread and I overthink and don’t live.

Because by the time I’m ready to live the moment is gone.

I thought about it so much, I obsessed over making it perfect and by the time everything was in order I had lost my chance.

Because I’m anxious and Im depressed, but not overtly. I seem confident, but this is only because my mind is not on display for the world to see.

My mind is hidden, only available for view if I allow it; and even then it is only the skewed version I decide to show.

I have kept so much hidden, I have forgotten who I am. I stop myself from acting on impulses so much so that all of my behaviors are actually knee jerk reactions to avoid pain and embarrassment. I no longer follow happiness.

This is why I have created this blog. I will work it all out here. All of the craziness in my mind. All of the confusion, the mess. I will recreate who I am. I will discover under the cloak of secrecy the things that bring me joy.

In the company of strangers I will find out what in life excites me. I do this so that I can truly live, instead of watching other live. With complete control and freedom to mold from the ashes: Althea.

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bearrigan37 · 7 years

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Mind Vomit, Mind Laundry and Mind Garbage

Hey everyone.

Its been about a year and a half since my last real post. A lot of things have happened since that last post. I am not going to talk about a good chunk of it, because I just plain don't want to. The gist is that I lost a friend, I lost my job and lost my place to live. Thankfully my mother is tolerant of our shenanigans and is letting us stay with her. It's been rough, to say the least. The good things are that my sons are healthy and happy, and get to play around with their cousins and grandparents almost every day. The older one is almost done with his Pre-K, and even has a little ceremony coming up for it.

The thought that this child has grown so much is mind boggling. He's a little cutout of me (unfortunately, but thank the abyss that he also has his mothers genes). He'll start actual Kindergarten soon. His little brother is growing in his teeth, crawling, standing, and damn near walking already. The older one is the young ones favorite person in the world, and that's a big ray of happiness in my otherwise bleak worldview.

My wife has had her ups and downs as well. The school she used to go to that caused her tons of grief is going down for being generally shady and terrible, but the school she is going to now can no longer offer the classes for the degree program she is on. She did, however, get into some classes that will lead to a job with an old folks home, and will make her a CNA. Hopefully that acts as a foot in the door for her to get closer to her career of choice, labor and delivery nursing.

My mom and stepdad are slowly starting to do all the alterations to their house that they have been wanting to do, and seeing them out there painting and cutting wood and doing all their little projects makes my super happy for them. It took them both a long time to finally be in a place that allows that kind of stuff, and they're both finally in a place mentally where they are actually very happy. My sons adore my mom and stepdad, so that's a bonus.

My dad got his shop/cave set up and has a bunch of cool things in there. Amazon Echo turns on his air conditioning and that will always be novel to me. My boys got to spend some time with him recently too. My oldest preferred to play outside, but the younger one had a bit of a fascination with him. His laptop, his beard, the dog, all very exciting to the little guy. Being closer to my parents has brought a good amount of peace to my mind.

In the past year and change, I've done lots of thinking. Lots of anxiety, depression and dysphoria have rushed through me at breakneck speeds. I read an article from Transgender Universe lately that was pretty spot on, I'll link it at the end of this post.

Basically, it talks about the anxiety and mental acrobatics that a person goes through when even thinking about transitioning. It hit all the marks, and I recommend that you all read it. Funny that at the moment I type this paragraph, “Wired Wrong” by Steam Powered Giraffe started playing on my computer.

Anyway.

I lay awake a lot at night. I wake up at all hours in blind panic, or crushing anxiety. I think and think and overthink. The me that is now and the past me, have all laid the foundation for my current life. They've laid down the building blocks for what I have to deal with later on. I did a lot of things wrong, and a few things totally right, but they are both things that keep me up. Does the future me, the correct me, even have the strength to figure out how to deal with all that later on, when I'll be forced to? My decisions and lifestyle now have basically doomed me, lets breakdown how so that everyone has an idea of whats going on in my head.

First off, the two big things that are doing things to my general mental and physical health are my diabetes and my gender dysphoria. Because of the diabetes, I can’t take the pills for transitioning, because the pills are bad for your kidney and liver. The other options are injections or cream/ointment/patches. The injections are the most effective way of taking the hormones, and the cream is the least effective way. The injections are on a national shortage, and there is no real sign of that shortage coming to an end. I'm not sure how the cream would play out for me, honestly. I've been too in my own head to actually call my doctor and find out. More on that later.

Everything that has happened in the past year and change has stopped me dead in my tracks in doing whats best for me. I haven't called doctors, I haven't taken medicine, I haven't gone to school, I've done nothing. Well, I did finally get to go camping, and took a few trips into the desert with my brother in law, those always helped clear my head, but now its spring and my allergies would literally kill me if I stayed outside for too long. I got pericarditis last spring, every time I sneezed or coughed, it would create too much pressure on my heart and stop it momentarily because of a build up of fluid in the pericardium, or something like that. This happened because of viral infection, because allergies.

I worry about everything. I don't sleep, because I think of what is going to happen in the future. When I finally find work again, how far into my transition can I go before things get awkward, or violent for me? How long before someone finds a reason to fire me that allows them to claim that it wasn't discrimination? How do I explain myself to my sons teachers? What do I do if one of the parents of my sons friends decides my son can’t play with their child because of who I am? What do I do when faced with all that? How can I even justify going through with my transition, using all that money when it could be used to pay bills, pay for food, pay for doctors, or even just buying toys for my babies? This whole thing terrifies me. I'm scared to exist, merely because existing the way I want to exist could mean no job, no house, no life if I'm not careful, as in I could be killed because of what I am. The thing that scares me more than that is what will happen to my kids and my wife if I start presenting and people make the connection. Everything that could happen to them keeps me awake.

I can't justify putting myself first at all. I need to put other people before me. I have a compulsion to do small things for myself to keep myself sane, like archery or hiking, but in the long run, I will never allow myself to put myself first. This leads to more problems.

Like my steadily declining health.

In that regard, I am purposefully putting off everything because of stupid reasons. Its like those fetch quest strings. Go get this, so that you can get this thing from that guy, who'll give you a thing to give to that guy over there who needs this other thing because blah blah blah. I put off working out because my back and feet wont allow me to work out in the ways I want/need to, but I dont go to the doctors to fix those things because [reasons], [bullshit], and [nonsense].

My diabetes is uncontrolled. I have had plenty of opportunities to go to doctors of all kinds of different fields to get me healthy. Doctors for my feet, my organs, my eyes, my back, doctors to get my weight down, start meal planning for a gastric sleeve, therapists, etc, etc, etc. I don't go. I never go. I know I should. I need to get myself into shape. I need to get the fatty tumor on my liver taken care of. I need to get insoles for my feet. I need to stay alive, but I hardly want to.

Because its inconvenient for everyone else.

I have to go to the doctor, well then I need to use the car to go way out to the outskirts of town to see her. I have to see another doctor later, and another later, well I've already used a ton of gas to do that, and I cant forget about how last time I went out to see my doctor, the tire went flat so we had to pay for new ones. Cant let that happen again. Doctors appointments at weird times? Cant try to get someone to babysit, they might be doing something else, I don't want to bother them. I'll just not go. It's easier that way.

That's how it goes.

Hell, even right now I feel terrible writing this instead of searching for a job. I mean, I know there isn't much more I can do to find one, short of getting out and going to places instead of applying online. I just feel bad. I don't really even play games anymore, because I feel guilty enjoying myself instead of providing, or even just trying to provide. I play strictly mobile games now, and the ones I play I just play because I'm part of groups and don't want to let them down. I'm playing a tabletop Fallout game with my wife that I created, mostly because she has been wanting to play D&D for a long time. My game is unpolished and rough, but she's enjoying it, so that's what matters.

I'm not writing this to complain, mostly. I'm going to complain anyway, because I try not to in real life, so I'm writing this on the off chance that more than five people read this. I'm writing this so that if there are any people that feel the same thing, they know that they aren't alone. The only reason I am comfortable typing this out in the first place is because I think only five to ten people read these when I put them out. Some of my dearest, closest friends have no idea who I am, even though I laid it out plain in the past posts. I guess that in a sense, it is a bit of a cry for help, but I'm allowed at least one, right?

Anyone?

*Ahem*.

Losing my job is the worst thing. I had started working at Sportsman's Warehouse, at the archery counter. It was great. Talk about bows, shoot bows, fix bows, and when I'm not doing that, head over to the gun counter and talk about guns, or do some minor work on scopes, sighting in rifles or whatever. Stock the shelves and clean when there is downtime. It was a fun, easy job. I lost the job because I fucked up an interaction with a customer, and mistakenly thought he wouldn't fire the air rifle I just cocked. Well he did, it was loud, and some people thought it was loaded. Corporate HR and Corporate LP decided I had to go. The managers did what they could for me but, I don't think they could even do much. I loved that job, I enjoyed the company of all the people I worked with. My bosses were cool.

All gone now.

Since I am living with my mom, there have been more troubles. My mom and step dad really like everything to be clean and neat, but I'm very lethargic most of the time. I try to help with cleaning and whatnot, but I just don't have the motivation. I know in my head that I shouldn't need motivation, I should just do it because I’m a god damn adult and that's what adults are supposed to do but... eh. Granted, I'm cleaning more here than I did when I was on my own.

My oldest son keeps telling us that he wants to go home, or go to the new house. Having to tell him that we are home, that there is no new house, and watching his little heart break is just the worst thing.

Living with my mom and step dad is great. We all get along great, we have fun and things aren't bad. I just know that we are a bit of an inconvenience. We dirty the house, eat the food, use the water, and don't really do much to help other than cleaning or occasionally buying beer. I wish there was more we could do, but I don't even know what there could be, without income anyway. We have money, but we need to use it to get a place, if there even is a place that will take us with no income, even if we can pay 6 months all at once.

Another thing is that my uncle was supposed to move down a while back, but the only place he can stay is here at my moms. We're still here, so he cant move down. I don't think he will move down until he knows we are back on our feet and stable. He's just like that, he likes to make sure everyone else is comfortable. He doesn't want to impose, I guess. Something like that. We create more inconveniences. So I'm a huge ball of anxiety and guilt and awful. This all contributes to the decline of my mental health. Dysphoria itself is bad enough but damn, just add everything else up and there's just a massive shitstorm on the horizon and I don't know whats going to happen when it hits. I don't know.

Additionally, I don't talk to anyone anymore. I don't know if I don't talk to them because of whats happening, or I just don't, or anything. I don't anymore. I would like to. I would, but I just don't. I guess its that motivation thing from before.

I mean, at this point I feel like I'm just rambling, but this is an important thing for people to know. Contact with humans outside of family is important. Having friends is important. I talk to a few of them online, but rarely.Plus I need to say all this stuff and not actually say it.

Point is, I don't know what my point is. I've got issues.

Everyone has issues, I know. I know that this is also my outlet, my way of letting people know how I feel about things and letting people know stuff about my life. It started out as my Daddy Blog thing and man did that go downhill fast. I feel the need to apologize for the content of these posts, though I know I have no reason to. Should be a little gateway into my head. I open myself to the public for that reason, to give people that gateway. Maybe something I type out and ramble about helps someone. Who knows?

God I hate posting these things, but I have to do it. I have to let it be known. Even if it makes me want to throw up because of nervousness. It’ll all just get worse if I don't.

Thanks for reading.

Links for more reading (Better reading)

My dads Amazon page! He has a ton of books.

https://www.amazon.com/Ron-Washburn/e/B008MN7D2U

My friends blog, she has adventures and ideas!

http://nearlyeloquent.com/

Transgender Universe article, and really just check out the site.

http://transgenderuniverse.com/2017/04/03/the-darkest-moments-in-a-transgender-existence/

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