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sero-para-el-pueblo · 3 years

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Okay so, Sero Latino headcanons and just headcanons in general bc I love him and I’m procrastinating studying for my finals. I have also been thinking about all the difficulties that being a foreigner has with language and culture and staff. Also, imma project a little bit so bear with me

When Sero and his parents moved to Japan, Sero didn’t know Japanese he knew only the basics and bc of these he probably was really good at subjects that don’t have letters on them

Like, Sero it’s really good at math because numbers are numbers and he just had to follow the teaches method,

when class 1-a find out hes good at math they're like how are you so good and he's jsut like "bueno plebes, when you move across the world you have to find ways to remember yourself you're not dumb just don't know the language"

he’s probably also really good at sports and English

Although being in an environment where Japanese was all he hear helped Sero picked Japanese fairly easy he still had a period of time where he was failing most of his classes bc his Japanese wasn't the best

Even after like 5 years of being in Japan there are expression he doesn’t quite get or like Japanese pop culture or classics he doesn’t know and he feels alienated for not knowing them and the bakusquad try to make him feel better by explaining stuff to him

Okay but like imagine Bakugo aggressively making Sero feel better

“Listen soy face you were raised in another fucking culture it’s not your fucking fault you don’t know this shit, who the fuck even cares”

Speaking of Bakugo it’s his birthday today so imagine Sero barging into boom boom boys room at 6 in the morning singing las mañanitas

also Sero's mom made a 3 leches cake for Bakugo and he loved it

In Spanish word have a lot of different meaning like so in my Mexican mind the equivalent of saying “bet” when someone says something it’s “jaló” however it also means to pull

So imagine after Sero has taught some Spanish to class 1-a someone asks him to go somewhere and Sero it’s like jaló, and everyone it’s like the fuck?? So Sero has to explain Mexican slang to the class

A few hours later when Aizawa comes back he finds half of the class arguing about the correct way of using words like “pedo”, “madre”, “verga” and Midoriya it’s taking notes at light speed and the other half are trying to stop Bakugo from blowing Denki's face bc he keeps using the words wrong

Idk if it’s just my Mexican dad or all dad are like this but whenever something in the house needs fixing my dad would just make it worse or get mad at everybody bc he can’t fix it or take forever to even look at it

But imagine Sero's dad it’s like that so Sero's mom took it to herself to learn how to fix stuff around the house so Sero's got stuck helping his mom fix stuff so now he’s just really good at it

So now every time something needs fixing at the dorms Sero just fixes it

Imagine bakudeku knocking at Sero's door bc they were fighting and they accidentally broke the sink for the 4 time that month and they need to fix

“Sero we need help-” “safo Rey ” (I think this is the equivalent as touching your nose to signal your not gonna do it?? Idk) Sero ended up fixing it just before Aizawa was back

I just rewatch Coco so imagine class 1-a celebrating Día de Los Muertos (day of the dead) putting up the altar and all and Aizawa and All Might walk in when the class it's finishing up and Aizawa it's like 'Sero why are you putting flower petals in the floor?' and Sero it's like 'oh to guide the dead safely on their way back' "... okay that doesn't answer my question"

Aizawa and All Might end up watching Coco and at the end All Might ask the class if it's okay he wants to put a picture on the altar too

the next morning the altar has two new pictures, a lady with black hair and a smiley boy sitting on what seems a cloud, although the class wants to ask about the boy a look on Aizawa's face stops all questions.

I made myself cry with the last one my bad y'all

okay onto happier topics imagine that Spanish slang doesn't stop at the students but also reaches the teacher

imagine Present mic screaming "fierro" or "a huevo" it drives Aizawa crazy

Mexican people tend to be really religious and even tho Sero doesn't really believe in religion he does things like giving the bakusquad la bendicion every time any of them go out like it started after Kiri got hurt rescuing Eri so now Sero does it all the time

Bakugo acts as it bothers him but he would stay still in from of Sero and be like "what the fuck are waiting for do your stupid thing so I can go"

Sero also insist on giving la bendicion to Miroriya bc the lord knows the boy needs it, fuck it the rest of the class didn't want to be left out so they also demand to be given la bendicion

Also if you speak two languages you know you get a brand new personality when you swish language

Sero get more confident, cocky, and flirty when he speaks Spanish he would flirt with anyone specially Bakugou and Denki he would purposely role his “r” to mess with bakugou

#sero hanta #sero bnha #sero latino #bakusquad #class 1 a #bnha aizawa #all might #present mic #sero headcanons #midoryia #bnha headcanons #mha #mha sero #headcanon #i should be studying #bakugou

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beneaththemasks · 3 years

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Analyzing Atsushi and Akutagawa pt.1 (I have a lot to say so there's gonna be a part 2)

CW: Dazai hate

first of all I want to clarify that I don’t think any of this is going to happen but it’d be really nice if it did... however, since BSD is a fiction story and my analysis is based on what would be ideal in the real life I don’t think it’s too likely for this to happen.

I think Atsushi should leave the ADA and Akutagawa should leave the Port Mafia.

To begin with, I’d like to tell you how I came up with this idea;

The thing is that in the BSD fandom there’s this (sadly too popular) discussion about Atsushi being a good, strong and entertaining main character or not. Many times I’ve seen people discussing this as if it was simply and wholy a matter of yes or no and the more the discussion grows the more angry I get (but i get angry too easily so don’t mind me).

In my opinion Atsushi is not weak, I actually don’t think any character in BSD is tbh (I mean they’d beat the shit out of me even if they don’t know how to fight because all ever do with my life is sit on my tiny piano and play my silly little mozart). But leaving the physical strenght aside, I still don’t think he’s a weak/strong or boring/entretaining character. I think the charm of Atsushi as a MC lies elsewhere.

Yes he’s pretty, he’s kind, he has an e-boy haircut and I’d let him step on me with those worn-out dirty boots.

But he’s also a common person living among prodigies and demons.

(Really, I feel like standing up and appaluding Asagiri for choosing Atsushi as the mc and writing him the way he did because there’s nothing that could make my shitty life better than knowing that the protagonist of my favourite story in the world is someone I can relate so much to that I actually ended up learning more about myself through him.)

And yes, we’ve seen this happen many times in countless stories (yes yes haikyuu for example) where the plot worked as good as any other even though the MC took longer than the rest to get to where they were but managed to do so in the end (unlike the typical shonen mc that levels-up overnight) plus what people mostly criticize about Atsushi as a MC are his constant war flashbacks and how much he self-doubts himself.

So I came to the conclusion that it's not really Atsushi and his journey as a MC but his unresolved trauma what seems to annoy the audience instead.

And that’s how I came up with a fiction-breaking answer to your problems; If you want Atsushi to stop suffering over and over again for the same things, he has to leave the ADA and get some real therapy.

(Don’t misunderstand me, even if I accept him and love him as he’s now, I’d still love it if this were the real final for him bc it hurts me to see him suffer all the time.)

Think about it, Atsushi is just a poor boy, abandoned by hell itself and thrown into the street in the worst conditions a human being could be just to end up running into a maniac manipulator with a good heart that offers him a roof over his head on the condition he accepts a job that Atsushi himself says doesn’t want and is too afraid to be a part of and that he tried to leave once but failed to do so and then felt too guilty to try again because he eats guilt and remorse with milk for breakfast so now he has no choice but risk his life, face his archenemy physical pain to beat his enemies and constantly fear that he might not be doing what’s right or being good enough while having a huge responsibility on his bare shoulders.

As it stands, his situation can only be explained by that famous saying “it’s not that you don’t want to grow/heal, it’s that the environment is not apt for you to do it”. Yeah, no wonder he hasn’t made any progress overnight and feels so hopeless at times.

I love everyone in the ADA (not you Dazai) and their found family made out of scraps and angsty love is all I ever whish for, but just because he’s finally found people to rely on that care about him doesn’t mean it’s enough to heal so much damage (suprise suprise your family and love won’t always be enough to heal trauma). Atsushi won’t overcome his fears by facing them head-on nor will he become more independent by fighting on his own (actually we all know he hates fighting alone and that’s because he’s not in a place where he can trust in himself yet) instead, it’s very likely he’ll end up pushing himself to the limit to get “stronger” faster and end up loosing sight of himself.

And here's where Akutagawa enters.

The reason why I also mention him is because Akutagawa for me is the perfect example of why Atsushi has to stop now before it’s too late.

Akutagawa has been past the point of no return for a long time now, he’s fought so hard to get "better" faster for the sake of being recognised by Dazai that he stopped recognising what’s real and what’s not. Akutagawa is already strong enough and has everything he needs but can’t recognise it because he works in a place where the more and faster you kill the better you are, so even though he’s the most feared member of the PM he doesn’t believe it because he hasn’t heard Dazai saying it.

To me it makes perfect sense that Dazai insists so much on making them face each other, I mean, Atsushi has everything Akutagawa wants and Akutagawa has everything Atsushi wants and as long each they stay blinded by their own unrealistic expectations they’ll keep risking their lives for something they will never accomplish under those circumstances, it turns into a vicious cycle where Dazai seems to be the only one benefiting from this since he now has two UltraRare awakened subordinates to fight for the sake of his book or whatever he wants. (but don’t let me get too excited about this topic ‘cause I could talk about Dazai for 3 days)

Yes I know I know, it was a very good thing that Asagiri decided to break that toxic vicious cycle and made one of them think for both to finally make Atsushi challenge Akutagawa to stop killing for six months as a condition to fight with him (that's called GROWTH, breaking out of the cage, abandoning the nest, etc).

But unlike Atsushi, Akutagawa doesn’t have many people to rely on when the time all of his enemies show up -after mori has beaten the fuck out of him for not showing results and lowers his rank to the same Oda had- to make him pay (let’s be honest the mafia couldn’t care less about the errand boy).

Basically, Aku has to leave the Port Mafia in order to stay safe, gain perspective and find a reason to live of his own rather than sit and wait for dazai to approve of his every move (the same goes for Sushi, he has to stop throwing himself off of high buildings to save people and stopping bullets with his mouth to be validated by his peers).

But yeah, Akutagawa is probably not going to leave the PM and Atsushi is probably not going to leave the ADA but as someone who really wants to see them doing some real growth and barely stands this “just forget your trauma and fight” thing that’s going on I had to say it.

I mean, look at Dazai, it was no untill Oda told him he clearly wasn’t going to find a purpose to live that he decided that mayyyyybe the PM was not a good place to try spiritual healing.

What’s more, I’d say almost every single character in BSD is too fucked up to be able to heal in the kind of environmet they work at and that they must have let the pain sink or whatever bc they jsut don’t want to change their lives but idk man that’s fine if it makes them happy.

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd manga #bsd akutagawa #bsd atsushi #sskk #analysis time

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1989album · 4 years

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first thoughts on folklore under the cut!!!

the 1

Omg piano. A beat?bus stop? Girl u aint taking the bus. I’m getting Sara barelies vibes. Im LOVING this sound. It would have been you. FUCK. Literally CHILSS.

Cardigan

She is trying to kill me. THIS SOUND? IS SO GOOD? Cardigan is the new all too well scarf. BUT I KNEW YOUUUUU. This is like…everything I’ve been asking for out of an album from her? YES. Fall vibes, 100%. This one gives me Sara barflies and Lana vibes. This seems very nostalgic =. like……wildest dreams 10 years later. Im sobbing.

The last great American dynasty

Ok new vibes sorta?whom is Rebecca? Do I know like no American history? I don’t know what this is about lol. Rhode Island? a Kennedy mayhaps? Dolly? I don’t know what this is about I should stop guessing. OH. The house she bought in Rhode Island ok.

Exile

Piano intro again, im here for it. Omg the man’s voice…I did not expect it scared me LMAO. I like the vibes of this one. The lyrics too, I need to relisten to focus on the lyrics. I like the call and response they have in the bridge that is *chefs kiss* my tears ricochet

“If im on fire, you’ll be in ashes too” JESUS YES. “I swear I loved you to my dying days”. THIS IS KILLING ME. Leave with grace. UFCK. IF IM DEAD TO YOU, WHY ARE YOU AT THE WAKE? KLSJDGKLDSJGKLS. FUCKING ROASTED, IN THE SOFTEST VOICE TOO. Get fucking reckt, calcium headpiece. This is my favorite so far. “I DIDNT HAVE IT IN MYSELF TO GO WITH GRACE, SO THE BATTLESHIPS WITH SINK BENEATH THE WAVES.” That IS SO FUCKING GOOD?

Mirrorball

Oooo this gives me beachy vibes. Literally every part of this song, this album is what I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!!!!! I sent home the circus yessss. No clowns allowed. I love the voice modulator and the layered vocals on this A LOT.

Seven

OMG IS THIS TAYLOR? Her voice!!! I love this. It is such a different way for her to sing.SWEET TEA AND GOD’S GRACES MAAM?

August “cause you were never mine” why is everY SONG RIPPING MY HEART OUT? This bridge. YES. “For me it was enough to live for djsgklsjdkl” YES. “YOU WERE MINE TO LOSE”

This is me trying

I like this slow intro. “I just wanted you to know this is me trying” brb crying. This whole album has me in my feels. I love the strings in this one.

Illicit affairs

Ooo Taylor what u been doin girl. “Leave the perfume on the shelf that you picked out just for him” girl. ): THEY SHOW THEIR TRUTH ONE SINGLE TImE. “DONT CALL ME BABY, LOOK AT THIS GODFORSAKEN MESS YOU MADE MEEEE.” I WOULD RUIN MYSELF A MILLION LITTLE TIMES……fuck this album is good. God tier.

Invisible string

This song sounds so soft. Safe and sound vibes. Im in lOVE. “CUTTING ME OPEN THEN HEALING ME FINE” kGOD????? FOR THE BOYS WHO BROKE MY HEART. Where is centennial park?

Mad woman

OK I CLAIMED THIS SONG. LETS SEE. Um yes? Do you see my face in your neighbors lawn? FUCK YOU FOREVER. sKLDJGKDLSGJKLSD TAYLOR YES. “They say move on, but you know I won’t” “women like hunting witches too” SHIT GIRL……there’s nothing like a mad woman YES. CAUSE YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME…..yes hunny. This is so GOOD. Lwymmd had a GLOW UP.

Epiphany

I looove how she is branching out with how she sings. This is so GOOD. WATCH YOU BREATH IN WATCH YOU BREATHE OUTTTT. Her voice is so LOVELY in this wow. Some things you just can’t speak about :/ . It is true, girl. I cant decide a favorite song. They are all SO good. I love how this one fades out and just makes u sit in it.

Betty

oh she said cuntry bumpkin vibes for betty. Taylor got some old grudges to talk about LOL. Oh Taylor did something? This song is so gay I cant. Im not a Gaylor but jeez. taylor said: debut rights. In the GARDEN, it was JSUT A SUMMER ATHING? WHAT. I DREAMT OF YOU ALL SUMMER LONG? CARDIGAN AGAIN? Ok

Peace

Ohh this guitar intro, im a fan. “No I could never give you peace” GOD. The lyrics on this album are so good. “Im a fire and ill keep your brittle heart warm” YES. This is just so good. “YOU KNOW THAT ID SWING YOU FOR THE FENCES> SIT WITH YOU IN THE TRENCHES.” WAIT WHAT; “GIVE YOU A CHILD?” GIRL……… She gave me a shoutout in peace "clowns to the west"

Hoax

I love all the piano in this album. This is such a good closer. So soft. So warm. “ I am ash from your fire” “you know it still hurts underneath my scars” this is forsure top 3 for me

OVERALL: this album is SO good. So soft. So warm. It is everything I have been asking for in an album from Taylor and im blown away at how good it is. GOD IS A WOMAN AND HER NAME IS Taylor Swift.

#folklore #Taylor swift

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animalkingdom-an0nymous · 5 years

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So I’m a whore for J. But like blurb about J meeting an exotic dancer and smut about him watching her dance at a club he’s staking out just in the dressing room, slamming her around the room and just FLITH AND SMUT.

Putting this under the cut because I don’t need any dick stains flagging me

“Third time this week that you’ve booked a private room.” I laughed breathlessly as J dragged his teeth across my collarbone.

“You complaining?” He pulled back and looked at me, eyes dark.

I slowly shook my head, briefly pondering what he would have done if I’d said yes. The truth was that I didn’t even know if his name really started with a J, or if this was just some fun little game for him.

I couldn’t remember the first time I saw him at the club, but I quickly began recognizing him the more he showed up, those glassy eyes always glued to me. Being a stripper, I didn’t have room for embarrassment or modesty, but there was something about the way he watched me dance that left me completely self conscious. Vulnerable. And when J finally booked a private dance in one of our VIP rooms after watching me for nearly a month, I was terrified. Was he stalking me? Obsessed? He couldn’t have been older than a college aged guy, but let’s be real, it’s hard to trust any white guy in this day and age.

That was two weeks ago and this was the fifth time I’d seen him since then, but of course I wasn’t complaining. I was fucking hooked on him.

“I like this.” J dragged his pointer finger down the center of my body, dragging gold and white glitter with him.

“You’re gonna get covered in sparkles, you know.” I laughed before sinking my teeth into his bare shoulder as he hoisted me up, my legs wrapping around his waist, ankles locking at the small of his back.

“Good. I can look at it later and remember all the nasty shit I’m about to make you do.”

His words sent shivers down my spine and I arched into him, our lips meeting in the hazy red and blue lights of the dimly lit room. I could hear sounds outside in the main room, the low bass of whatever song was playing. Princess Di (real name Evelyn) was onstage. The fan favorite. But not J’s. I was his favorite, and in that moment it was all I cared about.

I’d never slept with a customer until J, but he was so… tempting. Provocative. Mysterious. And he also wasn’t a complete asshole, which was refreshing.

“Oh, yeah?” I asked as he dropped me onto the couch that he ususally sat on. “And what are you about to make me do?”

He jerked his chin at the other side of the couch. “I want you to lay your head over the side of it.”

My eyes widened slightly, I knew exactly what he wanted me to do but we’d never done that. J liked having his cock sucked, he would thrust up and fuck my face until my jaw ached, but we had never done it that way.

“Nervous?” he asked with a small smirk, sliding a hand up the soft skin of my inner thigh. He was wearing nothing but a pair of jeans, his brown leather belt already opened and his zipper undone. He was painfully hard, I could see the outline of his cock restrained against the denim material.

I shook my head and J’s smile widened. He knew I was lying. I barely knew him and he could still tell. Silently, he walked towards the edge of the couch, beckoning me to follow him, and I crawled across the black velvet before laying flat, turning so that I lay on my back, staring up at him.

I felt like a trained dog following him but I didn’t care. I loved that I didn’t have to think when I was with J. I could just exist for a little while.

J was looking down at me, head cocked to the side. He slid his fingers over my face, dipping them into my mouth. I sucked, hard, dragging my tongue over the digits and letting my eyes flutter shut as I moaned.

“Eyes open.” His voice was rough, hoarse, and he pushed his fingers deeper. When he hit the back of my throat my eyes widened and I fought back a gag, turning my head to the side.

J’s free hand wrapped around my throat, stilling my movements. “Stay.” He said it slowly, quietly, eyes concentrated on my face as he did it again, pushing his fingers in and successfully making me gag.

I kicked my leg against the couch and he pulled his hand back with a laugh. “You have to stay still when I do it, okay? Be good and stay still. It’ll be fun, I promise.”

I nodded my head, breathless. For whatever reason, I trusted J. I trusted that he wouldn’t push too far, that he would stop if I said no. I trusted that he wouldn’t hurt me and maybe that was stupid, but there I was anyway.

I lay there breathless and wet as J made quick work of ridding himself of his jeans and boxers. I reached up, stroking him, my fingers wrapping around his cock. It was hard to see in the dimly lit room, but I could still make out the thick length of it, see the pre-cum dripping from the tip, and I couldn’t help but lean up, turning slightly to take it in my mouth, moaning when I tasted him.

J sucked in a breath through his teeth, abdominal muscles tightening. I loved his body, loved how strong he looked. The first time we fucked he’d thrown me down on the couch so hard I thought I got whiplash and sometimes he gripped my thighs so hard they bruised. But I wanted it, the bruises and the whiplash. Something about J felt so fucking dangerous and I craved him.

“Lay down.” It was a command and I obeyed, resuming my position.

I opened my mouth, my chest heaving as I took a few deep breaths. J slid the head of his cock over my chin and down my cheek, his eyes wide as he did it. He was having fun, I could tell, but before long he was bending his knees and dipping into my mouth, my tongue swirling around his shaft as he gave a low grunt.

“Fuck.” J was holding the base of his cock while I sucked, my cheeks hollowing out. It was a difficult angle, impossible to properly bob my head, and when I reached up to stroke what wasnt in my mouth he grabbed my hand, holding my wrist in a tight grip. “No hands. Keep doing that, it’s good. You’re doing so fucking go- fuck.”

He squeezed his eyes shut as I repeatedly flicked my tongue against his tip, moaning so that he could feel the vibrations. I was having fun and it felt good knowing I was making him feel good.

J’s hips thrust suddenly and he hit the back of my throat. Once again, my first instinct was to turn my head, but his finges wrapped around my throat, just under my jaw, and I inhaled sharply through my nose, whimpering and trying to stay still.

“Ah, ah, ah.” He spoke slowly, calmly. “Stay. Still. Trust me, Y/N.” He stroked his fingers over my throat and up my chin, his cock still in my mouth. “Open your mouth wider. It’s okay to spit, to get messy. I want that, okay? Don’t get embarrassed with me.”

I moaned again, this time louder. I couldn’t fucking help myself, his words did something to me. He wanted me to get messy, he wanted me to be his little pornstar. And I wanted that. I wanted to do anything he told me to, and I surprised myself when I reached out, grabbing onto his hip bone and pulling him forward, letting the tip touch my throat again, this time a full blown gag happening. My eyes watered, my back arching off the couch as I tried to breathe through my nose.

“That’s it.” He thrust again, pushing deeper as I gagged again, this time louder. “Keep going, that's it. Good fuckin girl.”

Spit was dripping down my cheeks as he thrust, fucking my face in a way I’d never done before. I gagged again, hard, and he pulled out, a long string of saliva still connecting us. I could barely see from my watering eyes and I was sure my lipstick was smeared. I didn’t fucking care.

“More.” I demanded.

Blurbathon-6

#animal kingdom #j cody #blurb #blurbs #bn #this was fun to write #blurbathon

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katzirra · 4 years

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I hate looking at jobs because I don’t know what sounds good. What sounds like shit I can handle anymore. What sounds fair for the pay. What what what.

I don’t know what kind of jobs I want, what I’m even GOOD at anymore. I use to love doing the money shit honestly and just doing the paper work and shit and then I got dragged out of that because I was good and could manage other tasks in tandem with it.

But all these paper and receptionist jobs sound so fucking weird in one way or another and I just keep feeling overwhelmed even thinking about anything.

I’m so sick of feeling overwhelmed I just want a dumbass level job that’s not catering to humans face on anymore but that’s like??? UNHEARD OF LMAO I’m just so sick of the service industry because it’s just... I’m great at my job but it’s my fault my employees aren’t getting theirs done somehow??

BUT I’M PUTTING IN MORE TIME THAN I SHOULD TO MAKE SURE SHIT GETS DONE SO I DON’T GET YELLED AT BECAUSE I CAN’T JUST SAY “My team isn’t working” BECAUSE THAT’S MY FAULT.

So my job is essentially get yelled at or get yelled at and I’m just exhausted because I’m doing more than I should and getting on my team like I’m supposed to - but I’m supposed to NOT do as much as I do and get on my team and it’s just... that’s what’s got me here in the first place is juggling not doing as much and doing too much and pushing my team all the same and I’m just... I’m so lost what I’m supposed to do anymore.

And this whole thing I got in trouble over isn’t the first time the schedule was FUCKED UP so?? Why is it my fault that the ENTIRE team fucked up versus me leaving 10 minutes before another person came in? I’m so just...

How am I supposed to care about a job that I’m told no matter what I’m going to probably lose, and on top of that - one that I’ve been TRANSPARENT about what I know I’m failing at doing and trying to get help about it and beign shrugged off and SEEING my mental and physical health DRASTICALLY dropping and voicing that concern over needing my days off back to back to help me physically and being IGNORED pretty much.

Like?? I understand the needs of the business but I am so sick of putting my shit on the back burner and pushing through and then being asked WHAT HAPPENED TO THEO LD KAT when the answer is something you all don’t wanna hear that you’re bleeding my dry like??? I am the hardest fucking worker, but I’m not allowed to run my team, I’m constantly micromanaged and second guessed to the point it’s made me second guess everything I do and when I ask for validation because my independence has been made to feel SO FAKE anymore, I’m made to feel like I’m asking a stupider question than I am anymore. Like. It’s become an unhealthy job for me in all honesty, but above all else I’m just so tired and overwhelmed all the time that I mentally freeze up when I look at new jobs and I dopn’t know how to fucking handle it. AND WHEN I DON’T HAVE TO WORK I’M SLEEPING BECAUSE I’M PHYSICALLY IN PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had to do laundry today, but my boss kept me for 13 hours yesterday to work, and that was too much for my feet so I could barely walk after work, and slept all day because every time I got up I wanted to break down crying my legs hurt so much :)) so I didn’t get to do LAUNDRY which is a thing I have to waste my days off doing!! I don’t feel any bit rested and my anxiety is already upsetting my stomach for the week because this is now a major issue in my life that I might not have a job!!

I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do honestly anymore and my brain jsut keeps yelling wow if I just died in 2012 I wouldn’t be needing to WORRY about this!!

And if I ask dad abotu it he just gives me vague stuff, and the rest of my family hasn’t had a job in YEARS or got it from connections. Same for all my friends... they get them through connections honestly, and have told me for years my job is shit... like I know my job is shit. I know I get paid shitty but I literally don’ have the time to go to a job service place to help me find a job, and when I’m home I’m so vibrating from over stimulation and anxiety all the time that I barely DRAW or do things I WANT to do - let alone manage to sit down and look at job listings I can’t get my brain to focus on enough to read.

Like it doesn’t help to hear my job is shit, but that’s all that happens when I paraphrase that I’m tired of my job. I try to actively AVOID talking about my life because I’m tired of “wow your job is shitty, you need a new one” because I just... I hate how lazy I sound when I say I need to get one and I can’t get my brain to do it. Like it’s impossible to not feel like crying because I’m so overwhelmed. I feel so lazy and shitty and stupid and I’m like arguing back and forth that I’m not and EMOTIONS ARE VALID~ but for fuck sake I sound like a pathetic little girl and i hear my dad saying “If you wanted something bad enough you’d find a way” and I just feel WORSE and it’s just.... a fucking MESS.

I honestly wish I’d never gone to New York - honest to god. Maybe I’d have kept my shitty jobs, never moved up in a company. Maybe I’d have taken Sky up on that job offer he had. Because I didn’t see him prior to my visit and I never spoke to him after, obviously. Maybe my anxiety wouldn’t be this bad. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I’d probably be happier because right now I can’t handle how not myself I feel anymore. This doesn’t feel like me at all and I hate it. I’m not a person. I’m not this fun energetic optimistic and funny person I use to be - I’m actually a person I hoped I’d never be and it honestly makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t know what to fucking do with myself anymore.

Like what’s the fucking point of putting in effort in your own life if this is all there IS....?? I feel like this is all there is. It’s just working and being in pain and being miserable all the time so someone else has time to kill lmao like I’m just DROWNING in exhaustion. I don’t ENJOY anything anymore. I like get mild enjoyment for five minutes of things and then I get violently BORED and the depression sinks in. I don’t know the last time I was legitimately happy for a decent span of time.... I’m just fucking broken feeling and I don’t know what to do because I’m also just like hmm, I should therapy but I don’t wanna hunt that down, and factor in payments and who knows if I’ll have money for that soon anyway :))

I think I bypassed burn out and went straight to ash pile.

#kat life #ignore me #fuck being alive though honestly.#just yikes man

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amane-yasuchika · 7 years

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im tired, im tired and im tired and i’m so alone and fe dup with everything i haven’t elt like being alive for years but never this dangerously since 2013 and that was one hell of a yer. i think this is pretty much the same in so many different aspect. and i’m tired. i wish someone could beat the shit out of me to an inch of my life and then i could look as i feel inside everyday and im so tired what’s the point of living if im this alone always. im worthless and stupid and disguting and i wish i could tear myself apart so i stop being myself so i dont have to live with myself and how much it hurt it hurt and it’s so hard to breathe everyday and it’s so hard to wake up and keep moving and going to work and then return to be a mom and i’m tired. the only reason i’m here it’s not because i’m scared of dying but i’m terrified of my child’s suffering but i’m so tired. i’m so hurt and broken and i bit my nails to the point of bleeding and i couldn’t pretend im not suicidal todaya t work and someone mentioned i looked tired and ilaugehd and i said it wa sbecaus eit’s monday. i’m tired of being myself. of having to be strong and having the one to fix everythign to stay flawless and strong and i jsut want to be taken care of and not feel like im fucking beign swalloed up by a black hole in the inside. not having to pull myself out of panic attaks or having to run until i dont have any breathe left so i cant even scream or cry and then having to come home and clean and im nto allowed to be depressed ever. because life doesnt stop. because i have to wor. becaus ei have to take care of someone. and im so alone and i dont have friends and i try so fuckign hard. and i buy them things because i think that they are gonna stay even if its by interest and they never do because who the fuck woudl want a worthless useless broken bitch to be friend with. im disgusting aim awful i dont even want to be with myself why woudl any other human being want to. but it hurts it hurts it hurts. im sad i dont have anyoen to listen to me to give a a fuck, or if im happy or if im worried and maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me to writ ebecause i don’t know what is like to have someone coming to you in the middle of night. sleeping net to somoene that care. waking up to a smile. to someone to love me. there is nos friend help the suicidal one troope with me. if i was to kill myself my kid would be the oen fidning me. my mom would be the one orchesting a fucking funeral for no one becaus enoneone would come and then she would be pissed because i bother her even in death. and i’ve lived with her abuse for 29 years and im so done. i stopped defending myself and if i stay still if i agree to waht she wants without complain is less awful. and thats why im sitll alvie because my kid would go to her and i dont want her too live i did. and still like today when realization sinks whe i read in a story soemone gettign called by a nickname or a endearing name, that noone says my name im gonna dide and my soul is gonna die with me and there will no one to keep memy memory alive because of course, if nodone wants to be with me when alive, who is gonna care when im gone. tried fuckign everything. online counseling, homeopathic shit, actual depression medication, pain to release endorphins. and im equally miserable. and i cant take it anymore. i jsut wanna rest and not wake up anymore. i dont wanna feel like lonelinessis eating me alive as if i was at the stake beign burned alive so slowly and painfully. i wanna be able to breath without chocking i wanna breathe breathe breathe and happy things wont last because i dont have anyone to share them with either. no one is gonant ae car eof me ever. like when i read in ficiton people egttign abd bad bad and people carign and helpign them back up. i dont have that. i wont have that. and im so sure my mind has been so close to jsut fuckign snap and my self be gone forever, i’ve held back becaus ei kne there wa sno one to take care of kid. so when i saw shit people dissasoating im like fuck. is that nice? not being here? fuck i wsih i could aford that. i want to scratch myself until i can get rid of myself. until im not here anymore. until my head it’s not yelling at me how this is not going to change. that hasnt changed for years and it’s not going to get better because this is not a fuckign fiary tell, because this is not normla people tale where there are friend and where there is a fmaily or where ther eis somethign form the protagosnit to feel happy about. wher esomeoen has soemthign to look forward to, where they ahve plans, where they have fun, where they are loved. they enver alone they always egt help. i’m rannting my fucking self intoa fucking web where nosoneby gives a shit about me either jsut to pretend i can be listen to too. i snapped at dad today because i jsut told him i was down and that tlakign with mom ddnt work and he went on and on of how mcuh she hurt him and how mcuh im huritng him by living here and mom is jsut the absolute worst in regualr basis even more so when im weak or when i cant pretend where i cant keep my shiled on and she likes to hurt me for fun and then i have a fucking child i nee dot ake of not worry and then i child friend and im so fucking alone. everyone leaves. my students i loved wont even say hi to me anymore. im worthless and stupid and nobody gives a shit about me. one days gets mixed with another and another and another and ive tried so ahrd so so long and im sitll alone alone and i will neve rhave someone by my side, as a aprtner, because who woudl want a fucking sloppy seconds with a child, that is broken beyodn repair and is worthless and stuid and tasteless and boring and lame. nobody. nobody. nobody wants to spend time with me, let alone a life. there is no happy endign for me. can we skip forward to the epilogue. more like just closing the tab. nobody cares enough to go throgu the whole story. kiddos’s dad, my mo, every single person that didn’t stay. it’s okay. i give up. you won. i wont fight anymore. i wont resist anymore. i wont defed myself anymore. i wont try anymore. i give up. you won.

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nocteverbascio · 7 years

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what are your intentions (6/10) - rated m

Pairing: Alex Danvers/Lucy Lane Summary: It was a fun to push each other’s buttons because it not only brought out the best in one another. Both women met their match in one another. Only now, things have changed. And Alex is pissed. A/N: when kara tries to help it jsut makes alex feel worse

ao3 link

“We’re going to fix this Alex,” Kara says with her eyes burning with determination.

Alex digs into the strawberry shortcake ice cream sadly. She’s curled up on her couch with a pillow against her chest as Kara paces in front of her with a white board.

She’s been wallowing and brooding all week.

Alex knows Kara’s picked up on it because of how often she’s been present. Kara has always been good at cheering people up. She’s always full of energy and determination. She lives life fully and unapologetically. Underneath it all, Alex knows Kara carries a sadness to last a lifetime and maybe that’s why she shines so bright. So that no one has to understand the pain and sadness she’s been through.

It makes Alex feel guiltier as she digs deeper into the pint of ice cream.

She’s been in relationships with people before. But no one has ever mattered as much as Lucy. And when Alex thinks of being with Lucy, it terrifies her to think that anyone could be just as important as Kara.

Alex has done almost everything in her life for Kara. She’s Kara’s big sister, her protector, her best friend, you name it. So maybe, she just wants to wallow a bit more. Maybe ignore her feelings and crawl into a hole forever until they go away. Alex doesn’t know how she broach the conversation that Kara plays a much bigger role in her decision than she thinks.

“Okay! Let’s start,” Kara says with a flourish as she motions to the white board.

It’s titled: Dating Lucy Lane in rainbow colors with a line down the middle. One side subtitled: Pros! With an emoji with heart eyes and the other with CONS and an angry frowning emoji.

“Do we need to do this?” Alex complains as she stuffs her mouth full of ice cream. She regrets it as the brain freeze settles in.

Kara frowns as she snatches the pint of ice cream from her sister. “Yes,” she insists. “We have to do this. I’m trying to understand how you feel about her so we can fix this.”

“There’s nothing to fix, Kara,” Alex says with resignation in her voice.

Kara gives her a disapproving look. “Alex, if there was nothing to fix, your feelings wouldn’t be so hurt right now.”

Alex rolls her eyes and shrugs like it isn’t a big deal.

“Come on, let’s start with cons to get that out of the way,” Kara goes on. “I promise this is going to help.”

Alex stares at her sister. Kara’s blue eyes full of hope and promise. She can’t say no to her at all. “Fine,” she huffs. Entertaining her sister wouldn’t be such a bad idea. At least she finally has someone to talk to, even if she doesn’t want to talk.

“Cons!” Kara pops open the marker with a flourish.

Alex thinks about it for a moment. What about Lucy doesn’t she like?

After a moment, she says, “Her dad.”

“Huh,” Kara agrees as she puts Sam Lane on the list with a frowny face. “What else?”

“She dated your current boyfriend.”

“I knew dating James would make this weird!” Kara says as she writes James down. “Alright, what else?”

You. Alex shuts her mouth instantly. No, she shoves another scoop of ice cream in her mouth to shut herself up. There’s guilty creeping up her spine like vines, sinking into her predatorily but not quite vicious. She knows it’s only her mind playing tricks on her but Alex has lived with this far too long to be anything but reality.

Alex is the protector. She maintains order. She is the leader. If she fails at any of those that means failing her family. The most important family she has is Kara.

Kara is staring at the board thoughtfully before she realizes that Alex hasn’t responded. She turns to her sister with a curious look. “What’s wrong?” It isn’t hard for Kara to read Alex’s emotions.

Alex projects them so well without even realizing it. Whatever she’s holding onto is evident on her face even as she shoves ice cream into it.

“It’s nothing,” Alex answers as she clears her throat. She tries to put a brave front.

Kara gives her a skeptical look as she sinks down next to Alex. She peels the pint of ice cream from Alex’s fingers. “Talk to me,” she pleads. “I hate to say this, but I feel like you’ve been hiding this from me on purpose.”

Alex furrows her brows in confusion. “No, no,” she tries lying. “Lucy and I weren’t serious. It’s hardly something I would want to bring up to you.”

Kara drops her shoulders, trying to level with Alex. “You weren’t serious, but it’s kind of clear you want to be something more. You can be something serious with Lucy. I’m sure she wants the same thing with you because she doesn’t seem like the type to do things halfway.”

“She isn’t,” Alex agrees ruefully. She can’t help the smile that creeps at the corner of her lips as she thinks of Lucy. Yet, the cold thoughts whispering her reminders of who she is suppresses the smile. Alex tightens her jaw as she shakes her head. “We really shouldn’t do this Kara.”

“Alex, no,” Kara says quickly as she grabs onto her sister’s hands. “Don’t shut me out. Please. I want you to be happy.”

“I know,” Alex throws back more defensively than she intends. She feels even worse at the stunned look on Kara’s face. “I’m sorry. I know you want me to be happy but Kara, there’s something that you need to understand. Maybe I’m not cut out for this relationship stuff.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is Kara. I don’t think there’s ever someone that’s stuck around long enough for me to want to feel close to.”

“That’s because they weren’t the right person. They weren’t willing to put in the work for you. Lucy isn’t like that. Lucy is--”

“Lucy is so much more than I expected,” Alex admits, feeling the tug in her heart. “But I can’t be that person for her.”

“Why? Why do you keep saying that?” Kara shoots back. There’s a sad frustration in her voice as she pleads with Alex. “Why do you think that you can’t be with Lucy? You’re smart, beautiful, and amazing. You guys are eerily perfect for each other.”

Alex pinches the bridge of her nose. “I can’t, Kara. I just can’t.”

“Alex, you can. You can be with her and you deserve to be with her,” Kara encourages earnestly. She stares at Alex so hopefully and honestly that it hurts to stare at her.

Alex hates this feeling that wrenches inside of her chest. She can see the heartbreak that Kara feels for her. She’s her older sister and here Kara was doing so much for her. She is supposed to be Kara’s rock, always. Undoubtedly, Alex would always be there to protect and make sure that Kara was the one that was happy. No matter what the sacrifices were, Alex was willing to make them.

Yet, Alex doesn’t know which one is worse. How much it hurts to not be with Lucy or how guilty she feels if she was going to be with Lucy.

“Please, tell me what’s wrong Alex,” Kara begs at this point. She’s already staring at Alex with her puppy eyes. “Please.”

Alex cups Kara’s cheek gently in her hand. Kara holds her hand over Alex’s as she waits patiently for her. Her voice comes out coarse as she speaks softly, regretfully, “You don’t understand, Kara, I do want to be with Lucy.” Kara opens her mouth when Alex shakes her head. “But I can’t be with her because it makes me feel guilty.”

Alex shudders as she forges on, Kara patiently listening. “Everytime that I want something for myself I just feel like I am being selfish. Whenever I’m selfish things always, always go wrong. And I can’t stand the idea that every time I go for something that I want, there’s this dreadful ending waiting for me to reach.”

“This isn’t the same though…”

Alex feels the tears well in her eyes as her emotions continue to pour into her. “It isn’t. It’s worse because I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything so much. The more I want something, the worse it’s going to be.” She thinks of Lucy and all that she wants them to be. It starts to overwhelm her. “When I think of Lucy--when I think of being with her, it feels so vivid, so visceral, that I can’t remember a time where I’ve ever felt like this. It-it feels like I need her and it’s mortifying because I shouldn’t need anyone as much as I feel like I need her.”

Kara throws her arms around her sister’s shoulders and pulls her in closely as the tears threaten to fall. Alex shudders as holds onto Kara tightly. “It’s okay to need someone from time to time,” Kara comforts as she rubs Alex’s back. “We can’t always do everything on our own. No matter who we are. Look at me, I need you.”

Alex holds onto her sister even tighter. She buries her face into Kara’s strong shoulder, trying to be that strength Kara needs. “I know you do. And I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always be your big sister and your protector.”

“I know that,” Kara says so easily. “But I don’t need you all the time.”

“You don’t know that,” Alex lets out unconsciously.

Kara lessens her hold over Alex slowly before peeling herself away. She stares at Alex curiously, trying to see her sister eye to eye. “Do you feel this way because of me?” she asks carefully.

The look on Alex’s face seems to say it all. Alex can’t help herself as she stares guiltily at her sister. It’s why she wanted to avoid this conversation in the first place.

“Alex, come on,” Kara throws out incredulously. “Do you think that if you were selfish, something bad would happen to me? Or us?”

Alex feels her heart tighten. “I don’t want to feel like I’m abandoning you.”

“No,” Kara suddenly declares. “How could you think that? You’ve never abandoned me ever. I know that.” She sits up straighter as she stares at Alex with passion in her eyes. They shine similar to Alex’s tear filled eyes. “You’ve given me so much more than I could ever ask for since landing here on Earth. You have been my rock, my heart. You are my person, Alex. Just because you take care of me all of the time doesn’t mean that you have to. We are family. We take care of each other.”

The gravity of Kara’s words cut through Alex’s reservations. She feels the dam break and the tears fall freely as she reaches for Kara.

Kara holds Alex once more, feeling her sister rely just a bit more on her. “It’s okay, Alex. We’re not kids anymore. You don’t always have to protect me. Let me protect you for once.”

Alex shudders through her tears as she feels herself relax against Kara.

“Besides, I know that Lucy loves me too, so she’d probably kick your ass if you abandoned me,” Kara tries as she shakes her sister.

Alex actually laughs at this. “She would,” Alex agrees with an uncontrollable smile on her face. She can just imagine Lucy giving her that look whenever Alex does something wrong on mission.

Kara smiles brightly as she stares at Alex. “I really want you to be happy, you know that right?” Alex sheepishly nods in agreement because fighting it doesn’t make it any less true. “Does Lucy make you happy?”

Alex takes a deep breath. “She makes me feel so much more than that.”

Kara beams. “Then, we’re going to make sure you get your girl.”

#luclex #alex x lucy #the directorship #what are your intentions #sisterly bonding #alex stop being a little shit #listen kara isn't a fucking idiot #if kara and alex really loved each other no one would ever get between them #unless they were both banging them tbh #wait thats inappropriate but idc lol they have a really strong relationship

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