Your fears that you don't have a body that will transition "well" are, sure, understandable, but there isn't truly such thing as a body that's unworthy of transition. Perhaps your changing body won't suit everybody's taste, but would you rather live for yourself or for the whims of random people who don't care about your happiness as long as they're attracted to what they see?
Transition is for anybody who wants it. It's okay to be fearful. It's okay to be uncertain. But it isn't the end of the world. You are in control, and if you choose to transition to any capacity, it should be at your behest. You and your body are worthy of transition. I hope you are able to seize transition and do what you truly want for yourself.
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i turn 29 on july 1st. i feel like i make a lot of these notes to myself, to check in. hi, me, here's what's happening.
hi, me. hi, you, too, if you keep reading. here's some rules i have been following:
when a book is bad, i put the book down. i choose something i like instead. when i don't like a movie, i don't make myself watch until the end. i care less and less what people think about me and focus more on being a good friend.
for the 6 months or so, i've been asking people what they think should be my next book or tv show. i ask them where i should go on a walk next week. i ask them what food i should try next, what hobby. and then i write it down in front of them.
the truth is some stuff slips through the cracks. but most of the time? within two weeks, i get to send my favorite kind of text - so i tried the thing you were talking about and !
i have a new policy for split-second choices - it's better to try it. i have social anxiety. i have to talk myself into doing many things. i am constantly battling the desire to run away as far as my feet will take me. and then i stand up and i do the thing anyway. i make myself act and dance and sing. sometimes, yes, i know-immediately never again, i hate this. but most of the time - i just have fun with it.
i have a new mantra - nobody is scorekeeping. at the end of my life, there will be no grand reading of how many calories i'd been eating. no reviews on how many boring documentaries i forced myself through, no calculation on how many hours i endured an extremely dull educational podcast. and so what if i try karaoke and i don't actually nail it? so what if i stumble over my words while trying to make a public announcement? so what if i wear something too-showy to go to the grocery store? nobody there knows me, and: nobody's keeping score.
life doesn't resolve with a grade (i know, i was as shocked as everyone else when i realized it). i am not falling behind, because there's no curriculum to life that i should be following. there are no checkpoints; nobody is making sure i have a fully-furnished life resume. i am just here for as long as the earth will have me, and i get to decide what makes me happy.
i don't have a partner or a house or anything that is supposed to belong to people-my-age. i spend most of my time focusing on being kind, compassionate, ready to listen without restraint.
and honestly? i feel good. like actually. i kind of like it this way.
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yall wanna know how fucked up my anxiety is about some shit
i scroll past a post that's about a topic i don't like. whatever, it's fine. i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't care about. that's normal.
i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't like or care about but the person presenting it is a person of color? i IMMEDIATELY feel immensely guilty and need to "compensate" by "proving" it wasn't because of race by also skipping other random posts, JUST IN CASE someone thinks I'm racist because I didn't want to watch a video on a topic I didn't like or care about, that happened to be presented by a person of color.
this just in on: the police in my brain are loud and i'm scared of them
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stayed up til 3 when I have an 8am again. I do this because I hate myself so sos sososososososososo much. It's really funny because I don;t fall asleep in class thanks to my meds but I've noticed every time I go to class after 4 hrs sleep people act weird around me which is how I know im acting really weird. And I am so extremely angry at myself. I spent 4 hours. well 8 hours. Well all day. Pretending I'm going to do homework and distracting myself with various other things on my laptop or crying on the phone to my parents. Got zerooooo work done at all i stayed up most of the nihght for literally no gain whatsoever this is pure self harm. Which I do becauase again I hate myself. Because I didn't do my work. Which i won't do tomorrow either because i'll be so tired I wont be able to string a sentence together even though I'm supposed to give a presentation haha. My favorite activity is staring at the clock on my laptop getting later and later and later. new high score etc. Who's a hypersomniac now. Imagine how much easier this semester would have been if I'd gone to bed before 2am ever. I'm so fucking angry at myself I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep now even. If I fail my classes again my parents are gonna make me live at home forever and say im too crazy to live on my own. I know I was supposed to get a therapist but I hate them all so, so, so much. I think people get that job bc they feel powerful telling some pathetic person what to do knowing I literally cannot do it and will come back week after week admittingn failure and paying
I know I was supposed to take the new experimental FDA approved drug for IH but the list of side effects is fucking terrifying and I live and sleep alone so i really don't want to take a super powerful sedative that can make you stop breathing. So I'm gonna keep taking stimualnts and lying to myself that today is the last day I stay up extremely late for no reason.
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ok heres the most vile, depraved, unhinged thing i’m willing to admit to
if d*halim was a woman i would be all over that character like go girl give us nothing
hard to articulate exactly what makes me think this way if not “i just think it’s neat when fictional women are horrible not only as people, but also i want them to be absolute train wrecks from a writing perspective, especially in a way that is refreshing and a bit out of left field for a woman”
like
guy needs girlfriend’s help and guidance to tie his shoelaces, not give himself food poisoning and not say the most insensitive shit to people:
-tired, plays into the “men can’t navigate life by themselves and need their Girlfriend Who Owns The Braincell for everything” cliché
-look at this failure of a straight (derogatory)
-opens a pit of darkness in my heart
girl needs girlfriend’s help and guidance to tie her own shoelaces, not give herself food poisoning and not say the most insensitive shit to people:
-refreshing, hilarious
-look at this failure of a lesbian (affectionate)
-opens a pit of darkness in my heart but it is a safe, welcoming kind of darkness that lulls me to peaceful harmony as it hums
gender is so mysterious u guys
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OC DUALITY
was tagged by @morvaris to take this uquiz for my ocs >:) thank you nico this was super fun!!
tagging: @numbaoneflaya @time-is-a-lake @aartyom @nuclearstorms @girlbosselrond @druidgroves @malefiicarum @swordcoasts @aldcaldos @sufferthorn @steelport @calenhads @lavinet and anyone else who’d like to join in !!
you and the hat man
oh boy you're fighting demons aren't you? it's like you're in a constant staring competition with something that's always in the peripheral. what the fuck. (at least, that's how people who don't know you would react). at this point you've probably gotten pretty familiar with the hat man. he's a reliable kind of guy. keeps to himself, sure, but you can trust him to be there. maybe a haunting isn't too bad if it's never left your side. you can only imagine what it will be like when he's not there any more.
god-hungry scientist and their abominable child
you stitched something together inside of yourself and gave it life with light from the sky and now it won't die and you can't kill it because part of you loves it and you're not quite right in the head or the person you used to be but at the end of the day it's simply a beast of sadness. you crave the mercy you didn't get from your creators and so i'm telling you please forgive yourself. please hold the monster by the hand.
moon curse of the werewolf
you have found yourself hungered or sickened or ambitious to the point of emotional carnage. you are fine, until you're not, and then you could rip someone in your way apart with your bared teeth by complete accident, and later claw at yourself in fits of pain trying to apologize. do you look at the moon that blessed you in her name, at her marred beauty and baneful eyes, and wish she could just crush that loving-hateful heart of yours before it crushes itself? every bite you take out of flesh is a response to the threads of silver bullets in you that haven't healed. the duality is that the human inside is howling too, gnashing, and without the wolf pelt, everyone can ignore it and turn away. at some point, you got tired of the moon being your only witness. now the wolf is there to make sure others know that you are hurt, and deserving of humanity, of attention to wounds. because that wolf loves you; all of you; and knows when you are hurt better than yourself.
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